#i didn't even put white foundation on. i'm just that pale. crazy shit

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

lots of vulnerability in posting this bc i don't think i look good like ever at all anymore unless i'm using filters and i think i learned a valuable and very sad lesson that, in using filters and never saving pictures of my actual face without them, i am going to continue to forget what i actually look like and hate my actual face more in return whenever it doesn't look how i expect/want it to. and i will never have the youth of 17 back. that's just not how i look anymore. and barring any weight loss or skincare i may do to marginally "improve" how i look in MY OWN eyes, this is how i will look for the rest of my life, only older and older every year. i doubt i'll ever stop feeling like i need to be attractive to be worthy of existing and will continue to occasionally gasp in horror when i unexpectedly see my own reflection BUT i also think i need to get with the program and stop caring so much and see that every year i grow older is simply a miracle that i'm squandering by wasting time hoping and pretending i'll morph into a "better looking" person. also i literally look. fine