#i didn't even know arfid was a thing until about a year ago

[iwakuraz]

okay I'm too annoyed to even be online probably but sometimes I wonder. why do my parents and the rest of my family just refuse to acknowledge the fact that I have arfid. why are you trying to force me to eat food that I cannot eat without feeling extremely fucking sick and terrible. I've been through so much pain and fear because of food I'm tired of pretending I haven't. I'm so tired of things being like this

[gaybd1]

Skinny Culture in East Asia is super wild like everyone is model-thin and it might be bc of genetics and it might be bc of pressure (i know some women especially who have some pretty unhealthy habits) but like when i first moved to china from the us (where i'd been considered skinny my whole life) people would just straight up come up to me and tell me i was fat (it's supposedly not considered rude to do) so ive been dealing with that for years and years now...

but anyway over the last few years i really did gain a bit of weight as part of my ED (it seems counterintuitive but basically arfid combined with anorexia messed me up like i hardly ate anything but when i DID it was like "comfort foods" to me so basically sweets... but when u starve urself and finally have the chance to eat something youre gonna gorge urself on it, even if its cake...)

ANYWAY the first time it got Terribly Worse a few months ago and i just didn't eat anything at all for a long time i obviously lost a bunch of weight and i got some comments about it and i was like 'damn i kind of like this'

and then in recovery starting to eat like real normal food again i lost more weight woohoo but that naturally plateaued

BUT in this latest relapse i apparently lost EVEN MORE weight to the point that im getting like MORE comments up to 'wow its such a fast and dramatic change, tell me your secret!' and i obviously cant say 'well just dont eat anything for a week at a time!'

but my problem is.... i love this, it feels good, im... more motivated than ever to Keep It Up (It being the Bad Things) to lose more weight and... Oh No because for me this was never about body image or weight until it has gradually BECOME that in just the last few months and now i feel like this is going to be even harder to beat

I'm already thinking about how I had a great week this week and had three meals a day (my goal) most days but now ill be on vacation again and im already sort of planning like 'okay i guess i dont need to eat anything on these days' and its TERRIBLE