#i didn’t need to know that lo’ak felt neteyam’s last heartbeat

[randxmthxughts]

there was literally no reason for me to get a tiktok on my fyp called “small details during neteyam’s death you may have not noticed” ????

[askinkiskarma]

Pairings: Neteyam x (f)Avatar!Reader x Lo'ak

Word Count: 3.5k words

Warnings/notes: angst, mentions of death and mourning, cursing, mentions of smut

Synopsis: Neteyam's death leaves more than a few wounds behind, and you and Lo'ak must find a way to navigate the aftershocks together.

A/N: well, this hurt. i love this song, and as I was listening to it one day, this idea came to me, and so here it is. i would say enjoy besties, but i feel like that's just me rubbing salt in wound. as usual, can't wait to hear your thoughts and I appreciate every reblog, like, reply, follow etc. love you besties xx

I know you hear me when I cry, I try to hold it in the night

While you're sleepin' next to me, but it's your arms that I need this time

The tent was dead silent as you entered it, a tortured sigh and the sound of muffled sniffles you tried your best to stifle, the only thing that could be heard. You almost worried for Lo’ak as you made your way to your shared mat, as he was even more engulfed in deep slumber than he usually was, no snores or breaths discernible. You found yourself reaching for his mouth and nose just to check that he was indeed still alive, the sound of your own heartbeat deafening you, your palms already coated in an increasingly thick layer of sweat that you rubbed on your thighs, as the unpleasant thought burrowed through layers of your mind until it reached the front, until the flashbacks almost took over you. 

When his breath coated your palm, you breathed a huge sigh of relief that woke your mate up, and the tears that didn’t even have time to dry from 20 minutes ago started pouring down your face again. 

“Baby, what’s the matter?” 

You didn’t know how to explain, and you knew you couldn’t even reasonably begin to try without telling him where you were, where you went every night after you were sure he was fast asleep. 

“Nothing, just had a nightmare.” 

Lo’ak sighed and opened his arms for you to fall into, and you did, clinging to him like he was your life support, and to be honest with yourself, at this moment in your life, he probably was.

“Another one, baby?” 

You felt the hole in your heart bleeding inside your chest, pooling blood in the pit your felt in your stomach, where it’s been bleeding for months, where it wouldn’t stop, not until it filled you up and spilled around you.

“… yeah. Another one.” 

Look at the cards that we've been dealt

If you were anybody else, probably wouldn't last a day

Every tear's a rain parade from hell

You loved Lo’ak. You had no words to describe how much Lo’ak meant to you, how much he has meant to you your whole life, ever since you were just a 5-fingered freak and a tiny human finding happiness and meaning in this life that seemed to clobber the both of you to the ground whenever it had the chance. You have been best friends since you were born, and you didn’t think that was ever going to change. You were grateful for him, and his presence in your life, that saved you, both literally and figuratively, multiple times throughout your 19 years of life. You were grateful for his heart, that sometimes felt like it was too big to reasonably ever fit inside his body, and his mind, that somehow never tired finding new ways to make you smile, and his own smile, that shone brighter to you right now than any star in the sky, than even the sun itself as it was engulfed by Polyphemus before Eclipse. You were grateful that he chose you as a mate, and grateful to know that, in light of everything, there was now no one else in the world you would rather embark on this life-long journey with, no one else who could even begin to understand the fucked-up mess that was your mind - partly because you and him shared in that, you shared the pain and the grief, and you were forced to navigate it together. 

You felt sleep slowly engulfing you, and you knew the nightmares wouldn’t be far behind.

Though I wish he were here instead, don't want that living in your head

He just comes to visit me when I'm dreaming every now and then

Nightmares became not only expected, but almost desired in your life, as even in nightmares, even in the worst nightmares your mind could ever possibly conjure up, at least he was still there. He was there, here, in your life, and when you touched him, and you felt him, and you heard him, it felt real, it felt better than any reality. Even the nightmares where you relieved the worst day of your life, over and over, like a twisted comic joke, still brought you some sort of sick post-hoc comfort, until the morning came, or until the dream ends, and the arms that are wrapped around you aren’t the ones you need.

The ones you needed, you left behind just a little less than an hour before, and despite it just being a vision, a metaphysical experience that would never manifest itself in the real world anymore, his warmth still lingered on your skin, his scent still flooded your nostrils, his eyes were still ever-present in front of your own, even with them tightly shut. You could feel him, like he was still here, like he used to be when you were still you and he was still him, and he was still here and he was still yours. 

“Yawne, I think we should do it. I think we should tell everyone, it’s time.” Your new blue body seemed to fit perfectly in Neteyam’s, a dream come true, it seemed, a gift from Eywa herself. To be able to be here, in this meadow, at this time, tall and supple and cerulean-skinned, without a mask to hinder you, with finally nothing in between you and the boy you’ve been in love with longer than you could remember. You received an Avatar as a present on your 18th birthday, and you’ve wanted nothing more than to spend every second of your new life with the person you could now freely be with, no biological, or physical barriers in the way, the person that occupied every thought in your mind and has explored every inch of your body, and it still didn’t feel enough. Never enough. 

“Tell them what, Teyam?” Neteyam rolled his eyes, and you smiled at the way he knew you were just making him say it out loud, because you enjoyed how the words rolled off his tongue. He’s always had an accent speaking English, just like you did when speaking Na’vi, and you found it hotter than the pits of hell, which is where you felt like you were headed sometimes when you played these kinds of games with your beloved.

“Must you always do this?” You chuckled slightly against his chest, and you tried not to focus on how the intimacy and feeling his naked body against yours, powerful and muscular was making you slightly dizzy. You will never get enough of this, and you couldn’t believe you would never have to. 

“You’re stuck with me now, you can’t reconsider after so many years, especially now that I have an Avatar.” He pulls your closer to him, which you thought was physically impossible, but he loved nothing more than to prove you wrong. The kiss on your forehead was so normal and habitual for him, for you both, and yet it didn’t stop the goosebumps travelling down your neck, or the butterflies in your stomach, or the scrambling of your thoughts. 

“I wouldn’t want to reconsider, yawne. Which brings me back to what I was saying.” You sighed, allowing yourself the chance to clear your mind of the bad feelings plaguing you, of the unshakable perspective that this wouldn’t go down well, or be accepted, or even tolerated in the clan.

You were a Sky Person, an alien. Even though you grew up with the Na’vi, that simple fact, unmovable and completely beyond your control, never changed. And even now, even in this body, the stares never stopped, and neither did the incessant chatter, about how you were still a demon, still wrong, still not fit to be around the Olo’eyktan’s children. Neytiri and Mo’at warmed up to you in time, but you knew that it was not nearly enough to matter, not enough for them to willingly accept you as Tsa’hik, which is what Neteyam wanted to make you by announcing it to everyone. 

A tender, slender finger on your chin and the slightest pressure lifting you face to meet his pulled you out of your reverie and his warm smile and intense gaze drowned out any fear immediately. It was a gift of his - and a curse for you, because you could very rarely think rationally when he looked at you like that. 

“I want to tell them. I’ve loved you for what feels like my whole life. And now I get this gift, this incredible gift, and I get to know that you will be mine forever, that we can mate before Eywa, that I get to feel tsaheylu with the only woman I’ve ever wanted to feel it with.” 

It felt surreal to you, almost like a dream, this love. This love that felt so good, that was almost too good to be true, and you wondered sometimes, fear overtaking your mind, as it always did, what would be the price you’d have to pay to balance it out. He always told you that - that nature has a balance, that life has a balance. That Eywa makes sure to reinforce that balance. Well, you were so happy, it felt like the world was pink and fluffy and weightless, and it was yours to take and he was yours to love and nothing else mattered, as long you had him. So what would be the price to pay? 

“I want to do this right, my love. I want to prove myself to your family, to your mother and to the Tsa’hik. I want to learn, I want to earn my place among the people. I want to take my Iknimaya. Once I do, we can tell them, and you can do whatever you want to me, and that’s a lifelong promise, Neteyam.”

Neteyam. Neteyam. Neteyam.

Baby, you do it so well

You been so understanding, you been so good

And I'm puttin' you through more than one ever should

And I'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to

Admit that it hurts you

“Wake up, baby… come on.” Lo’ak’s voice drowned out the wails you didn’t even realise you were letting out until it was too late to stop them, too late to pretend they were anything else but what they were. 

“It’s me, ok? You’re alright. You’re safe.” 

“Lo’ak…”

You loved Lo’ak. So much. And the hatred you felt for yourself every time he had to pull you out of a nightmare about his brother, every time you found yourself wishing it was him instead, every time you wondered how your life would have turned out if Neteyam never left you, it ate at your soul, gnawing at the already bleeding edges of the hole in your chest. He deserved better, you know he did. And yet he stayed, and he loved you, because despite everything, you both knew there was no one else, not for either of you. The trauma bonded you, it made sure you were made for each other, like two pieces of a messed up puzzle. 

As ironic as that sounds, maybe that’s why you never mated before Eywa. Because of the past, and the trauma, because in truth, despite not saying it out loud, it scared the shit out of both of you. Because you both knew deep down that there are things you can’t recover from and some truths better left unspoken, and feeling each other’s emotions and desires, your deepest fears and fantasies, at least right now, would be the one step too many, one step in the wrong direction, one step off a cliff. 

“You went to see him, didn’t you?” You felt heat rise in your cheeks at being caught red-handed. All you managed was a meek nod. 

“You always have nightmares when you see him.” There was a heavy silence that enveloped the room, but eventually, Lo’ak sighed and continued. “…How is he?” 

It was your turn to sigh. 

“He’s good. He’s… Neteyam. He misses you. He talks about you all the time, wonders why he hasn’t seen you in a while.” 

Lo’ak’s frown was visible even under the cover of darkness, and you knew you should drop it, but you couldn’t - not when you knew he’d regret it, he’d hate himself even more than he already does if he doesn’t find a way to be there for his brother, to see him, to allow himself a way to move on from the guilt that plagues him everyday. 

“I will. Just been busy with training, with strategising meetings, with my dad. But I will.” You didn’t tell him how you knew he was lying since you saw Jake there almost every time you went, and even if you didn’t, Neteyam told you about how often his dad came by and all the little chats they have. 

“Ok. You know best. I just think you should go before it’s too late.” Lo’ak scoffed, annoyed with you as he rose, legs crossed in front of him, a hard expression on his face. 

“Too late for what?! It’s already too fucking late.” 

“Too late to say you’re sorry.”

The flickers of light peering through the weaves of your tent reflected in his eyes as the tears flooded them, and you felt so sad for Lo’ak, and so sad for yourself, so sad for all the pain that didn't seem like it would ever be healed.

“He doesn’t fucking remember anything anyway. How am I supposed to apologise to him if he doesn’t even remember what happened? What’s even the point of it all?”

His tears hit your skin as he shook his head and let them out, and you reached for his face, brushing what was left of them with your thumb.

“You could still apologise. Not because he would remember, but because you need to. Because the guilt will kill you if you don’t. Because he’s your brother, and he loves you, and he misses you. Because you miss him too. Because this way, the last memory you have of him doesn’t have to haunt you forever.”

“It should haunt me forever. I ruined everything. His life, my family’s life… your life. I’m not an idiot. I know you loved him, and he loved you. I know if you had a choice, it would have been him.”

 

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again over him,

I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again intead of ghostin' him

Lo'ak's words shocked you. You never got the chance to tell his family, or the clan, in the end. You never got the chance to make him yours, and he never got the chance to feel the mating bond, the one thing he wanted to so badly. He never got the chance to be a father to your children, the way you used to dream about together, he never got the chance to raise a family with all the lessons he had learnt from his own parents growing up. He would never enter your bedroom again, banging his head against the frame of the door that was way too tiny for his 9 foot tall body, smiling as he always did when he spotted you reading by the foot of the bed. You would never get the chance to teach him a new English slang you learnt from a show, or play him a song you learnt on guitar, or allow him to rest his head on your lap, watching as his tail moved erratically in a display of pure, incandescent happiness. Your Iknimaya came and went, and he wasn’t there to witness it, or cheer you on, and you would never get to fly together on your ikran, never get the chance to share so many moments you reserved just for him, that you now had to live without, that you now had to wish away into the ether, and let it go, alongside your dreams and hopes, alongside the future you always wanted and you will never be able to have. 

All you had were glimpses, flashes of light in the dark, whenever you saw him in visions the tree blessed you with, where he was still there, and he was still him and you were still you, where you still had him and your life was still alright, if only for a little while.

“I can’t wait for your ceremony, you know?” Your back was flush against his chest, and you loved the warmth that irradiated off of it. it felt so real, just like it used to when it was real. He has always been your own personal sun, something you made sure to tell him as often as you could, and you couldn’t help wonder if this is why your body’s been cold since he left. Like the actual sun could never achieve what he did, like no other body could, like nothing could. You hummed mindlessly, allowing the breeze to touch your skin, just like his kisses up and down your neck did. In here, he didn’t know that he died. He would never know. In here, everything was all right, everything was serene and calm, everything was just the way it should be. The last time he visited the tree was a happy time, and you were so happy that was the last thing he remembers, the last thing he always would. He would never had to know the pain of death again, and knowing his smile would be forever captured in here, just like his spirit that was evergreen and so, so beautiful was, it was the only thing that allowed you to go on. As long as he was alright, and he was happy, you could still sleep at night. 

“Is it just because we finally get to have sex in front of the Tree of Souls or…?” You said with a chuckle and his lips detached from your neck, and you could just about picture his frown, just about picture the roll of his eyes and the little pout he always had on whenever you said something that was so widely outrageous in his mind.

“Yawne…” 

“I’m kidding, jeez! I can’t wait either. I can’t wait to be yours forever.” At least in here, you could always pretend. In here, you could, for a little while, entertain a fantasy, allow it to pass through you, allow yourself the happiness you’ll never know again. He tightened his grip on you and you felt his breath on your hair and a small kiss at the top of your head.

“You’re already mine forever. You’ll always be mine, and I’ll always be yours.” 

You couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down your cheeks on onto his arms, or the words that followed. “I’ll always be yours, and you’ll always be mine.” 

We'll get through this, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with a whole lot of baggage

But I love you, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with a whole lot of baggage

It was your turn to console Lo’ak as he was crying with his head in his hands, and knowing the pain he must be going through, the pain in which you shared, it struck a chord in you that seemed to wake you up a little, that allowed you out of your constant dreams and nightmares, of your visions and forsaken desires and focus on him, and watch him, and see him. 

“I know this isn’t what you wanted, ok? I know that it’s not your ideal scenario and I’m sorry. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know that it’s my fault you and Neteyam will never get to be together. It kills me, the pain and the guilt, it eats at me every day and I -“ you shut him up with a kiss, that felt warm and needed, that promised to at least try to mend some wounds in your soul. 

“Stop. You know it’s not your fault. And if you don’t, then that’s why I’m here. To show you. And reassure you that I love you, and that Neteyam loved you, and neither of us would ever blame you. I’m here to keep you sane, just like you’re here to keep me sane. And it’s fucked up, and it’s weird sometimes and the guilt I feel is just as strong as the one you feel, but we’ll make this work. Because I love you. Ok?” 

You loved Lo’ak. And you knew he loved you, too. And while it wasn’t how you imaged your life to turn out, you knew your happiness had always been Neteyam’s priority. And at least for him, you’d try to find at least the shadow of it again, and you knew the best place to look for it was in your new mate’s light. 

taglist: @fanboyluvr