#i did this rather than start my commission sheets lol

[zurdurer]

.... this is so stupid lol

[ace930615]

IMPORTANT PLEASE READDDD

Hey guys, unfortunately I'm going to have to take a hiatus for awhile :-( a lot is going on in my personal life with school and work, and as of recently a few weeks back around Christmas my grandmother caught covid and it really knocked her down and made her extremely weak. She can't really walk anymore, needs oxygen, has bowel incontinence, and dementia. She was in the hospital until about a week ago and was going to be living with my family for the time being until we figured out exactly what my nana needs. I honestly dont know why they discharged her because ... man she was still really bad and they knew that she wouldn't have a nurse to come to our house yet! She was residing in my sisters room while my sister moved into our father's office. My sister and i were taking care of her full time for a week, which was extremely stressful. My sister and i had to make sure she was eating/drinking, cleaning up after her (changing her diaper) constantly changing her sheets and making sure she wasn't taking her catheter or diaper off because she kept doing it lmfao. My sister and i told our dad she absolutely needs more assistance than what my sister and i were providing her, we couldn't even get her properly clean like in the bath since she still had a catheter and could barely move we would have to wipe her down! She started to get sick again and we brought her back to the hospital (which she ended up falling and hitting her head). They tried to discharge her back to our house again but eventually my dad got them to discharge her to a nursing home. She's about an hour away, and might need to go to more of a facility/rehab rather than an elderly home because of how sick she is. It's not something we can exactly afford, its going to take whatever little money she gets by the government (since shes not working obviously) and whatever medical/insurance can cover. There really isnt any other choice, we dont have anyone in the family who can dedicated 100% of their time taking care of her (which would have probably been my mom but shes dead), even then my nana would probably still need a nurse constantly if she were to live at our house. My dad and i have been dealing with her insurance since some of it is in my name, and we found out she stopped paying her bills months ago. This isnt surprising considering how downhill she has gone, even before she was sick but my dad wouldnt listen to my sister and i who were still taking care of her weekly because she just got so weak while she still lived in her apartment (due to old age and a number of medical issues). My nana is also incredibly stubborn and did not want to move out of her apartment for as long as she could. She still thinks she can go back but obviously not. So its been really messy! Really messy and stressful and sad LOL. On top I am also having computer issues which is preventing me from saving any art I draw, which honestly im probably just going to have to get a new computer at this point. If you have commissioned me please reach out, I will also be sending messages when i can to my commissioners and we can further discuss it. I am open to refunds at this time! Unless you are willing to wait until i come back, which could be a few months. I absolutely cannot focus on art professionally right now due to these circumstances. I haven't felt this since my mom got sick and passed away in 2016 so it's really... taking a toll on me and my family. Im sorry if this post is a mess there is so much more to this situation and its so complicated i tried to just go over the most important stuff. Thank you guys again. I will be back soon!

[z3llous]

𝓡𝓮𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓷𝓬𝔂

@burnthoneymint​

This is my entry for Sanjifest! I started working on this in January, but it fit the prompt well (oof a few months put into this). It has both text and illustration (Lol I hope the difference in quality over time isn’t too bad). I hope you love it!

Prompt: “That is definitely not what I was expecting.”

---

I can't be late

They quickly rounded the corner only to crash into someone, the briefcase previously in their hand hitting the pavement and sliding away.

Shit

They scrambled to get up, looking to see an outstretched hand. Hesitating for a moment, they took it.

"You dropped this." The  pretty blond stranger said holding their briefcase.

"Yes, thank you. I'm sorry I really don't have time to talk." They grabbed it and turned to leave.

"Wait, what's your name?"

"It's Y/n!" They answered before rushing away.

He sighed watching them vanish in the distance.

"Y/n...Damn, they're beautiful. At least I got their name..."

---

Bright colors of flowers decorated the town. He was normally too busy to stop and smell the literal roses that florists put out during the first week of summer.

His eyes trailed aimlessly over the crowd and recognized a familiar form he'd been seeking every time he visited the area.

He couldn't miss such an opportunity.

"Y/n!" He waved excitedly catching their attention.

SUCCESS

"Why hello, I didn't expect to see you again." Y/n said once they reached him.

"You remember me!"

"Of course, how could I forget. Your look is quite signature." They laughed.

"True, very true." He laughed in return and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I was in a bit of a hurry last time we met, so I didn't get a name."

"Oh, it's Sanji." He was sure they weren't from around there, but still hoped they wouldn't recognize it.

"Lovely to officially meet you, Sanji." They gently took his hand and placed a soft kiss upon his knuckles.

 He froze. The gears had stopped turning in his mind, that was a first for him.

"Hello, Sanji?" Y/n tried not to laugh and snapped their fingers to bring him back to land of the living.

"Huh? Uh... Oh...OH! Yes?" His eyes flitted everywhere except them when he realized what happened.

"Would you like to join me for the rest of the evening?" They leaned in, looked up with a playful expression, and offered a hand.

"O-of course" He timidly accepted their hand.

I'm going to die of a heart attack before the sun sets.

---

Hues of pink and purple spread across the horizon, coating the atmosphere in serenity. A zephyr caressed their skin affectionately as they traversed toward the pier.

The remaining rays of the day highlighted his distant form in an ethereal manner. It left them frozen in an entranced state, thankfully he was yet to notice them.

Once Y/n returned they had to muster the confidence to approach him and begin their implied "date".

With my job you'd think this would be easy for me, but no I can't even walk up to him. Damn pretty boy, had to look angelic...

Fortunately, he turned to see them and the problem had been solved.

"Oh, Y/n! I hope your trip was pleasant. I wish you'd let me pick you up though." He said excitedly.

"Yes, the train ride was pleasant. I've told you before, the hotel I'm staying at is out of town. I'd rather not have you making such a trip over me." They stated calmly with a mild smile.

"But Y/n I want to~"

"I know you do. Alright, once I've finally quit my job and moved into a house I'll let you pick me up." They pretended to be deep in thought.

"I won't forget it!" He laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. Now, c'mon I'd like to start exploring before everything closes. I don't normally get to visit the seaside." Y/n held out their hand, trying not show the excitement bubbling within.

"I thought your job required travel." He grabbed their hand.

"It does, but not normally more relaxed areas, like here."

"You never told what you do." He thought aloud looking to the warm colored wisps of cloud.

"I would if I could.  My work often involves rich people, who don't like me talking about their business. I should be out of there soon, anyway." They sighed.

"Oh, that makes sense. I wouldn't want to get you in trouble." He lightly tightened his hold of their hand.

"Don't worry about it. Let's just enjoy the moment." They squeezed back.

---

Their time spent in town was sweet and filled with playful teasing.

As the sun sunk into the sea they bought warm drinks from a cafe and decided to spend the remaining time together on the beach.

Sand underfoot made pleasant sound as they walked, steam from the cups swirled off into the cool night air.

"Y/n?" He stopped walking.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sure you've heard of the upcoming ball at the palace... Would you be my date?" He lifted their hand up, thumb rubbing their knuckles, and eyes glistening under moon light in anticipation.

"That's definitely not what I was expecting. Yes, of course, I'd love to be your date." Y/n gave him a soft smile.

Sanji set their drinks down carefully, before turning around to excitedly wrap his arms around and lift them slightly off the ground in an embrace. He was so happy he couldn't help but laugh a bit.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you-" He chanted.

"Alright. Alright. I get it." They laughed.

---

Piano wafted through the air seductively as they took sip of the golden fluid glowing under the citrine light above. 

A figure dressed in auburn approached from behind to sit across from them. 

"Rue, late as always." Y/n stated swishing their drink around to admire it.

"Yes, well one doesn't wake up looking this good." She joked, her ruby nails searched through her bag.

She pulled out and slid a sheet of paper across the table top.

Y/n's eyes trailed over the words taking in the information.

"So Mr. Zero wants me to go out with a bang, huh?" They mused glancing up to meet Rue's Amber eyes.

"It would seem so. He doesn't want you to live to tell the tale." She laughed. Her burgundy lips slowly formed a devilish smirk and she leaned forward. "Surprise him." 

---

Y/n stood outside staring at the paper.

"I might not be able to keep my promise. I don't know if I'll live long enough to have a home of my own. I'm sorry, Sanji."

They took one last look before setting the page alight.

Text of page:

COMMISSION NO. 7326

DEAD OR ALIVE:

DEAD

PREFERRED METHOD:

NONE

LOCATION:

SUNNY PALACE

TARGET/S:

STRAW HAT ROYAL FAMILY

---

Click

Click

Click

The sound their shoes hitting the marble floor echoed in Y/n's mind. The crowd surrounding was nothing more than background noise. The butterflies that fluttered about inside them were far too distracting. Tonight was the night. Be it the end or the beginning, They didn't know.

The people gathered around the stage hoping to sneak a glance of the royal family behind the curtain.

A man with spiked green hair walked up, introduced himself as Bartolomeo, and began a long fangirly speech about the royal family.

Y/n took this moment to look around for Sanji and Rue.

There She was sitting and sipping a glass of wine, classic Rue. She must've sensed Their eyes, for she gave them a smile and thumbs up.

Sanji was no where to be seen, Crowd: nope, Tables: nothing, or maybe the food table? No, not there either.

They took a deep breath and chose not to worry about it.

Finally a  foot peaked out from under the curtain and kicked him, effectively causing the ball to begin. Piano played, Bartolomeo stepped off stage, and the curtains were drawn.

One by one each butterfly once aflutter now dropped dead and began to rot.

There he was, sitting on a throne with the rest of the Straw Hats.

The blade grew warm as their stomach twisted itself into a tight knot. The joyful music felt to be coming from another room.

They were too dazed to notice the people preparing to dance and the royal family walking off stage to join in.

"Y/n?" Sanji called their name again. When he did he get so close?

"Yes...?"

"There you are. Sorry, was that too shocking? I didn't know how to tell you." He rubbed his neck, the tile below seemed rather interesting to him.

"That's...Alright. It's not like you could've brought it up easily." They too found the tile to be interesting.

As nice as the tile was, no solutions to the new problem could be found in it.

"Um, would you allow me a dance?" He offered his hand, glancing at them.

"How could I say no?" They took his hand and smiled, sweeping the dead butterflies under the rug to be dealt with later.

They gracefully swirled around and around, hands intertwined, hearts racing, and warmth rising to their faces. Though they tried to rid of it, a dull ache lingered deep beneath.

The song met its end which led to the beginning of another.

"C'mon follow me." He whispered as they slipped through a door and into a photo filled hallway.

Y/n paused for moment to look at a picture of Sanji running with who they thought to be King Luffy on his back. Many other pictures with others just as happy surrounded it.

I wish I had something like that

He walked ahead and opened a door.

"Here it is." He motioned for them to step through.

"Oh my-" They had lost their words.

An intricate ebony fence wrapped around the garden keeping the delicate flowers safe as they admired the ivory fountain in the center.

"Beautiful isn't it? I often come here to escape the king's insatiable hunger." He joked taking their hand and leading them to the center. "Nothing compared to you though." He smiled and traced along their cheek to move a strand of hair behind their ear.

They grew flustered and took a step forward, only for their foot to be caught on a brick in the path. They both tumbled down.

Y/n had him pinned to the ground. The two stared at each other for a moment to take in what had just happened and then burst into laughter.

Their laughter died first. The pain quickly settled in.

I can't. I can't give him up.

He noticed their expression and panicked.

"Y/n, what's wrong? Are you alright? Did you get hurt?" Concern dripped from every word.

"I- I need to tell you something." Tears welled in their eyes.

"Yes?"

"You know that job I've been trying to get out of?"

"Yeah?"

"It's Baroque Works. They're in the assassination business. They gave me a suicide mission yesterday. I'm supposed to kill your family. I- I can't do this, but they'll kill me if I don't. I can't I don't know what to do I'm-" Their words grew messier and more fearful the longer they talked, until he cut them off from anymore scared rambling.

"It's going to be alright. Everything is going to be ok. You are going to ok."

He lifted his free hand to wipe away the tears.

"It is?" They mumbled.

"Yes, I promise we'll help you. You're not alone anymore, alright?" He lowered his hand to gently hold their wrist and rub reassuringly with his thumb.

"Alright."

He smiled lovingly up at them.

"Together." They whispered leaning down catching him in sweet kiss.

"Together." He responded going in for another.

---

Epilogue:

Luffy, as always, was excited to have a new member of the family. Y/n quickly grew accustomed to the chaotic crew (Pun intended).

Rue was interrogated by Nami. Which, surprisingly, went smoothly. They got along quite well, too well. Within the month of them working together they were caught making out by the unfortunate Usopp.

He never forgot it.

---

"To the end of Baroque Works and the Freedom of  Y/n and Rue!" They Cheered holding up their glasses together in celebration.

Rue turned to Nami and pulled her in for a kiss.

"How did you two even get together?" Usopp groaned.

"Simple, I've always loved shrewd women." Rue joked and slid an arm around her girlfriend's waist.

The devilish couple laughed while Usopp died inside, now he had to deal with two of them.

Y/n sat at the bar where poor Sanji was most frequent the whole evening. He took every chance he got to stop by with a small treat and chat with them, but the demand was high and his visits were few and far between.

---

Finally the sun had set, everyone had turned in for the night, and Y/n finished helping Sanji clean up, regardless of his wishes.

After preparing for bed Y/n pulled him under the covers and turned off the light.

"Shhhh You've worked hard. You must be so tired. Let me take care of you." They whispered holding him close, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

He mewled and nuzzled into their touch.

They mumbled sweet words and ran their fingers through his hair until they both fell into peaceful slumber.

---

The wattpad cover:

All the illustrations: 

Click

[tamachan221]

What was originally a simple sketch because I needed something for my fanfic ended up becoming a whole ass drawing lol

I realized I never got around to drawing a proper character sheet for Kimiko's 2003 incarnation, which I kinda feel ashamed considering this is the original version of mah gurl. I did make a few changes to her bio. Read The Story~! ________________________________________________________________ -Kimiko- -Fourteen Years old at the start -4'9'' in height - Leo refers to her often as Little Turtle, sort of a ref to Little Mermaid but also that she is a smol bean - Would be voiced by Bella Hudson/ Erica Schroeder (Dark Magician Girl, Akiza) -Loves cherry and peach blossoms -Her hair will grow longer as the story progresses -Splinter had found her unconscious as a small mutant about three years later, thinking she must have gotten lost after hatching or someone had lost their pet. He thought her mutation must have been caused by remnants of the ooze that had changed he and his sons. - In truth, she was an experiment of a scientist who had come into contact with the T.C.R.I. byproduct, the ooze, and began messing with it as he was slowly going mad. Kimiko was the second of two tests, but got lost from the scientist after the baby turtle ingested some of the ooze and then wandering before falling into a grate, into the sewers. The impact with the sewer floors and the mutation caused her shell to eventually stop growing with her after a certain age, leaving her lower back exposed. -Kimiko was very ill when found, but with enough determination, she would make it through. However, until a point in her later years, she'd usually suffer mild fevers that would last about a week due to the fact that well....they couldn't really get the proper medication for her. In the future years, they became less and less frequent, to a point where they haven't come back in her teenage years. But Kimiko has developed a fear of getting sick. -Kimiko also has a bad habit of overthinking things -At first, she'll wield twin wakizashi, then eventually crafts and keeps katana on her as she favors blades, but also likes the bo as well. Kimiko likes weapons and has a fascination in collecting and creating them. -She doesn't gain the chest strap, which will usually have extra shuriken in the pouches, until mid Season 2 after they return from T.C.R.I. -Kimiko has adapted around the Way of Invisibility, not only does it apply to one's keen senses, but she is able to manipulate what one's mind, making them think one thing when it's actually a trap into something else. Or rather, she's silver tongued. -Season 1, Kimiko starts off as careless, game loving teen and toward the end and by the end of Season 3, she is a depressed, edgy, hate filled and paranoid turtle who not only has strong feelings for Leonardo, but sort of a falling out with Splinter as she is only focused on taking out Shredder. - She joins the Foot in hopes of keeping her family safe from detection in the beginning under the alias, Kuro Katana, who becomes an Elite rank all while hiding her identity from Shredder. But also keeping her association with the Foot a secret from her family until the night of their first major battle. - Kimiko constantly blames herself for the Foot flooding the sewers and everything that happened at April's apartment, Leonardo's almost death, crashing through the window broken and battered, being what haunts her the most. She feels as if she should have kept a better eye on the Foot. -After arriving at the farmhouse and telling her Tale of Leo, Kimiko runs out of the house as she couldn't bare it. Eventually, running off, back to NYC and creating false evidence using her own blood, hair, burning some of it to make ashes, and some fabric. Which, as Kuro Katana once again, she presented to Shredder before waiting to strike at him. -Constantly hates herself more than anything throughout the series. - She had still managed to keep her identity hidden until their big fight at Foot HQ where she prepared special katana....which ended up being a useless distraction. -After it's revealed that Shredder was an Utrom, Ch'rell, and after the explosion at T.C.R.I. Kimiko has major concerns which cause her to start training very seriously. Becoming somewhat anti social and doing more on her own. -Meets a someone a little older than the turtles who goes by Talon (bc of course) who asks to hang out, but tricks her into a trap. -Does not Karai one bit, and is filled with nothing but venomous hatred when she finds that Shredder survived. - Forfeits her match in the Battle Nexus Tournament after learning of Leonardo's condition so that she can help him. - Will eventually be forced back into the Foot as Kimiko made a deal with Shredder during the Triceraton Invasion, though it did provide her with the means of attempting to attack him from within. ________________________________________________________________ I'll probably do another one as I start writing Season 3, bc Kim's appearance will be slightly different. Season 4 as well as that will probably have a LOT of drama especially between Kimmy and Leo bc there will be BIG argues Kimiko- TamaChan221 TMNT- Viacom/ Kevin Eastman ________________________________________________________________ -Buy me a Ko-fi~!-Commissions- Instagram- Twitter-Twitch-YouTube-

[haikyuu-imagines-and-others]

can i request some characters (oikawa, ushijima, akaashi, suga? you dont have to do them all!) taking care of a sick/chronically ill gender neutral s/o? thank you!

This ask is more heart breaking than the angst I’ve written… 3 My Grandfather passed a few years ago from cancer, so I remember what it’s like to see someone slowly fading away… It really hits home, but thank you for requesting! - Admin Satori

Oikawa Tooru: Terminally Ill

Heartbroken - but strong for you

Doesn’t even notice when he starts crying by your side, holding your hand, the tears just slip out now by reflex rather than by stimulation

“The doctors are working really hard to make you better, ______.”

Refuses to leave your side for longer than a few hours - doing everything he needs to within that time away before he’s back by your side

Of course this is upsetting to you - he’s forfeiting his life for your fleeting one

When you tell him as much, he flips out, breaks down, refuses to leave you just because you’re chronically ill

“I love you, _____! This isn’t fair…. Not only has God taken away any long life I could have had with you, but now you’re telling me to let go of whatever remaining time I have with you?”

Against your wishes, he stays with you, holds your hand through your treatments, helps you to and from your bathroom breaks, do anything and everything he can to make you comfortable

The time is ticking for the both of you, and everyday Oikawa wonders… is this it? The end? Will I never fall in love again? And every moment he sees you get weaker, his heart breaks just a little more than the last time…

“We’ll meet again…. Won’t we, _____?…. In another life?”

You desperately want to agree with him - but you’ve been sick for so long… you’re not sure what you believe in anymore

But you believe in Oikawa, and you believe in his strength… and that’s enough to keep you content

Ushijima Wakatoshi: Sick

Very serious about you following the proven ways to get better

Actually puts alarms on your phone to let you know when to take your medication when he’s not around to remind you

While you are the most important thing in his life, he does have other responsibilities and you are very understanding when he has to go to take care of his business

“I was only gone for an hour… How did you manage to get tangled in the sheets while getting out of bed?”

Very gentle, rubs your back and holds your hair back when you’re bent over a toilet

He’s not a very vocal man, so the time he spends helping you heal is very quiet and calm - most of the time you fall asleep while he’s there with you

“If you keep taking the medicine and drinking all your soup, the instructions say you should feel better in a couple of days.”

While he’s not very vocal, he’s very hands on - even when you whine about being lazy, he’ll pull you to your feet and help you stretch or put you in the bath with him to get clean

You’ve never really seen him in the kitchen as much as he is when you’re sick - and you’ve grown to absolutely love his food!! You never knew he was such a good cook!

“Seeing that you’re still sick and possibly contagious, please refrain from kissing the cook. At least until your viral load has diminished.”

Does it really matter at this point???? He’d slept next to you, bathed with you, what’s a little kiss going to do??

He ends up getting sick with you, and you’re both miserable but at least your together and can spend more time that way~

Akaashi Keiji: Sick

If you didn’t think he was a squad mom before…. Now you’re 100% sure of it!

Waits on you hand and foot - knowing he’ll probably get sick, but he wears a face mask anyway - just to be on the safe side

Knows exactly what to do and make to make you feel better!

“Bokuto-san is always getting sick during the fall, so I’m very well versed in how to heal you.”

Of course. Would it be a surprise that Bokuto also gets sick at the same time you do? And starts pouting when Akaashi spends all his time with you rather than him?? Surprised? You shouldn’t be!! Lol

Regardless, Akaashi takes care of you with your favorite soups, back rubs, hot, steamy baths

Sometimes you have to stop yourself from calling him mom when he starts telling you what to do while he’s gone for his errands

“Don’t forget to take your medication, ______. Otherwise you’ll be bedridden for another week, and if you miss too much school, you’ll end up failing the year.”

Yes Moooom. But you take his instructions very seriously, and follow them to the point! Akaashi knows best after all!

Absolutely soft mornings, waking up in his arms, feeling like it’s the best day ever before looking up and seeing that damn face mask covering his mouth and nose

“If I get sick, _______, who is going to take care of you? I will be out of commission..”

He’s got a good point, and you make it a goal to try to keep him as healthy as possible while you’re still recovering

Sugawara Koushi: Terminally Ill

Bittersweet is what he feels every moment he’s with you - bitter because you’re leaving him so soon in life, and sweet because at least he can spend the last moments of your life by your side

But he doesn’t let you see his breaking heart, instead telling you all about his teams crazy antics and funny stories about his childhood

“And then Noya-san jumped on Tsukishima’s back - actually bit the poor boy in his excitement, of course.”

The closer to the end of your days, his calm exterior will slowly crack away, showing more and more of his true heartbroken self

But what can you do to help him heal? Especially with your own destiny so bleak? How could there be any light if Suga wasn’t the beacon of it?

“It’s okay, ______…. I’ll live on with you in my heart… In my memory. I’m just…. I regret us not meeting sooner… So I could have spent as much time as possible with you… Before….”

Refuses to mention your condition, instead trailing off whenever the topic comes up or changing it completely to something unrelated!

When you tell him your time is on the horizon, he grows so solemn, you almost regret meeting and talking to him - you’ve stolen a light from the world that you shouldn’t have touched

But he’s smiling gently the next moment, a flicker of that light in the soft curl of his lips, and you pray that light will flow back into him once you’re gone

“I love you, ______. And I know… I know that the stars will align for us, again… I promise.”

Continues to hold your hand, by your side through the rest of your treatment, even through any doctor announcements - puts his entire life on hold just to spend the rest of yours with you

After you’re gone… He never forgets you - you live on in his smile, in his sparkling eyes. It’s your courage, your strength, that has him moving forward without you - he knows the two of you will meet again; in the stars

[weeb-overlord]

well i guess i better update instead of just vague posting about my life LOL

i have a lot to do next week. I take my OGET, have a piano recital, choral auditions, test monitoring, two huge assignments, a final presentation, and all of my normal classes... i really dont know how im going to do it and ive been disassociating all day because i cant stop thinking about what needs to be done instead of focusing on the present. i need to study, i need to prepare that audition, i need to get those assignments done early, i need to come up with a concept for my Lit final, i need to prepare myself to wake up much earlier than usual next week while still maintaining all classes and work for those classes, i need to finish a commission. i cant stop thinking about my responsibilities and how i dont want to control anything at all.

my dog ate a chocolate chip cookie or at least maybe he did but now i cant stop thinking about him hurting because what if he has chocolate poisoning and i dont help him in time? i could just wake up tomorrow and he could be gone. i hate that. i hate it because im responsible for him and its my job to protect him.

i cleaned everything the other day. laundry, desk, dog bath, alll my sheets and linens and blankets... everything. i bought an air freshener too just because and now it smells amazing in my room and i at least have that to come home too.

im slowly starting to realize that im not going to get my contest piece done by Akon. thats ok. it really is. Tokyo in Tulsa is always my debut con. Ill debut 2B, Princess Fuse, and Kanna at Akon instead and get wasted on my honorary birthday and probably call everyone that comes to mind unless my friend takes my phone from me. itll be a party. no need to compete.

i do not like being dependant on people. i do not like attaching my dependency to people. i dont like valuing someone because they provide for me what others cant. i dont like it because it makes them special in my life, and it makes it more difficult for me to get over the loss and to repair the hole in me when they leave. i would rather them just sit on top of my heart rather than insert themselves into it. but here i am doing it anyway. im fighting love and acceptence for no good reason other than i believe i dont deserve it. i am scared and disgusted by it. but i am not disgusted by their love. which makes it even more terrifying to comprehend. i dont want to talk about it too much here and im being fuckin vague but sometimes i just really need to write and release something into the world...i really do.

i feel bad lately about interacting with anyone. mainly because i truly see myself as a grenade ready to blow as soon as the right pin is pulled. i dont think people understand how much of a chance there is that i could be gone without a second thought. im kind of glad they dont but i also wish everyone would understand. i dont see death as bad and never really have, i relish in the fact that i have control over my own death for the most part. it still sucks trying to retain long term relationships and friendships when you think you’re going to die within the next few years though. there are plenty of people around me trying to help me with this mindset, but even then i feel like their efforts should be put somewhere else where they willl actually thrive. people can put energy into me all day long, but i am a bad investment. there are plenty of others who need help much more than i do because i can’t seem to accept help properly.

i dont want to sing in my friends’ recital. at all. i  had a practice with the group the other day and felt so bad because i had learned my part by playing it on the piano and they had learned theirs by singing with the recording. so of course they were much stronger with their parts than mine. i looked like a complete idiot. they’re all ed majors too and so am I. so of course i was comparing myself to them.

im trying to think of something happy to write. i miss bts. i miss them a lot. they were amazing and i think about the concert everyday. next time we go see them we are definitely getting P1 tickets, end of story.

i want to play Horizon sooooo bad and now that i have a ps4 i can!!!!!!! also The Last Of Us 2!!!!

im getting fabric for 2B and a few little things for Kanna this weekend. it’s Easter but considering the fact that i dont believe the holy spirit moved a big rock, folded a napkin, and talked to the citizens about the rapture, i think i’ll survive without the festivities. i do like the day off though.

i cant tell if i’ve gained weight or lost it but either way i dont think my mentality will improve. i would like to lose a few inches but i dont really think it’s a priority right now. i’ve been eating like stupidly unhealthy food lately and im not gonna fuckin stop until all of my shit next week is done.

leatherfest is next weekend. im nervous about all the people, nervous about doing something wrong or being in the way, nervous about vulnerability. again i dont want to talk about it too much here but idk it’s part of the update, part of my life and who i am.

i think that’s it?? goodbye