#i did post this a while ago but delete it like 2 hrs after bc... idk 😕

[kazuaru]

Updated mateo & nathan :)!!!

[simplyjaeeex]

Okay about a day or two ago I posted that my theory that Lou was with Harry in LA after the biking pictures came out was proven but that I theorized that Lou would be back in London one day and there would be “proof” spread around that he had been in London the whole time. (I mean El couldn’t have made it anymore obvious with her insta stories). Then after some time he would publicly go to LA or Harry would go to London making it seem like like Harry had been in LA the whole time and Lou in London.

1: Harry at protest, very much pictured and recorded by many, including friends posting him on their social media = “Harry being in LA the whole time after people questione authenticity of biking pictures” 6/3

2: Lou’s voice in Amy’s video, she basically confirmed by liking post/comment = Lou in LA with Harry 6/4

3: Lou in London at the protest with El = “Lou in London this whole time” 6/6

Now 6/4 was proof that Lou was in LA before being seen in London on 6/6. That’s two days where he could have taken the 10 hr flight. He could have easily gone to the first London protest on 6/3 like Niall and Liam did but for some reason he chose to wait until 6/6. It was clear to me that El was going to go to a protest either with her friends or with Lou after she posted flyers about the protest. While I’d have wanted it to be just her and her friends and to begin fueling the whole breakup news further because Lou wouldn’t be with her, I was expecting him to be with her bc Lou is the type of person who cares and shows up for these things and while I’m sure he’d have rather gone to the one in LA with Harry he had to keep the narrative that he was in London. So with that said. Be strong my fellow Larries and hang on, there’s still hope.

Also please don’t bombard their friends and family with comments and messages, that’s just annoying and disrespectful. Poor Amy had to delete her post bc of it. Y’all need to learn some self control

[starbitstudies-blog]

92 questions

tagged by @stevenstudies​ thank you!!!

rules: answer these 92 questions and then tag 20 people!

last:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: uhh i don’t remember i don’t really call ppl aaa 

3. text message: something about hating when people think a bad character = a bad person because that’s not the case!!! or that one bad action done by a character makes them horrible!! 

4. song you listened to: well i’m currently listening to lollia’s cover of “cymatics” by techniken!

5. time you cried: i think two or three days ago!! 

have you:

6. dated someone twice: nope!

7. kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone so nope!

8. been cheated on: fortunately, with me having not dated anyone, that’s not possible. hopefully this answers stays ‘no’

9. lost someone special: our family dog died a while back... i mean also my father left a long time ago but tHAT’S HEAVY SO UHH

10. been depressed: yeah, since it’s likely i have depression

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

list three favorite colors:

12. PERIWINKLE!

13. pastel pink

14. cyan!!!

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yeah!! a few tbh

16. fallen out of love: idk i don’t think i’ve been in love hahhaha, 

17. laughed until you cried: TWO NIGHTS AGO

18. found out someone was talking about you: ye

19. met someone who changed you: people here (positively) and people at school... also people on other sites (both pos and neg)

20. found out who your friends are: yes i think?

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: whats facebook? (jk but no)

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: i deleted my facebook sorry pals

23. do you know any pets: we have so many u dont even know

24. do you want to change your name: PLEASE can i change it to zia?

25. what did you do for your last birthday: i played video games, helped babysit my nephew for a few hrs, then ate chinese

26. what time did you wake up: technically like 7 but i got out of bed at 8

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: i think on tumblr

28. name something you cant wait for: MY OWN LAPTOP TBH

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: right now

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: PRACTICE ART MORE AS A KID!!! UR NOT GONNA WANNA BE A WRITER WHEN UR OLD ZIA NO FOCUS ON ART

31. what are you listening to right now: all we know (chainsmokers) this is after the last music post bc time has passed rip

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: my ex-best friend’s dad! (we’re still friends but not close anymore, because we don’t live close to each other anymore)

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself

34. most visited websites: tumblr, twitter or insta probably. maybe even yesstyle because GOSH i love clothes more than i ever knew

more random info:

35. mole/s: face moles that’s all i know of 

36. mark/s: idk dood

37. childhood dream: i once dream i was at like a disco thing and then there was water and i was DROWNING my dreams were and are weird.

38. hair color: black! (but i wanna go for blue-black or black w blue on the bottom and tips really soon!!)

39. long or short hair: LOOKS SHORT (bc super tight curls) but it’s really medium length

40. do you have a crush on someone: i mean kinda but its like a ‘admiration’ crush bc i don’t know them at all so i’m disregarding it.

41. what do you like about yourself: sometimes my eyes look ok uh

42. piercings: just ears!

43. blood type: idk dood 

44. nickname: bob the builder can he fix it yes!!! he!!! can!!! 

45. relationship status: single and too focused on college apps to want to mingle.

46. zodiac: aquarius

47. pronouns: ANYYY but most refer to me by she/her by default so!! 

48. favorite tv show: rwby!! but i love a good spongebob for giggles

49. tattoos: ehhh .... not unless its hidden good im too worried about jobs 

50. right or left hand: right (trying to learn to write w my left hand as well)

51. surgery: never have, maybe someday i will, who knows

52. dyed hair: a few times, purple streaks, purple on the bottom and tips, a few times black.

53. sport: i used to play volleyball but uhh bye

54. subtitles or dubbed version: when it comes to anime either way!! i’ve never rlly watched anything else w subs i dont think

55. vacation: nothing nada 

56. toenail color: plain plain plain

more general:

57. eating: i had some harvest snaps and non dairy ice cream thank u ben and jerrys

58. drinking: water

59. im about to: think about my life

60. ive been putting off: my entire life

61. waiting for: SCHOOL i miss the routine and i hate this anticipation stop it summer stop i

62. want: more stationery and CLOTHES FROM YESSTYLE OR H&M OR SHEIN 

63. get married: maaaybe???

64. career: VIDEO GAME ARTIST PLEASE or animator

65. hugs or kisses: hugs?

66. lips or eyes: eyes

67. shorter or taller: uhhh 

68. older or younger: UHHHH

69. can you wiggle your ears without touching them: no im  a weenie loser 

70. nice arms or nice stomach: ARMS ARMS ARMS A

71. sensitive or loud: depending on the situation..

72. hookup or relationship: relationship!

73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

74. kissed a stranger: nah

75. drank hard liquor: whats a hard liquoryall

76. lost glasses: yes im HORRIBLE ive also broke them mmm boi some spicy troublemakin

77. turned someone down: ONCE AND IM STILL SHOOK I FEEL SO BAD PLEASE DONT EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN @ GOD !!! 

78. sex on the first date: oh no sirree

79. broken someones heart: i mean KINDA?? idk

80. had your heart broken: proBABLY IDK

81. been arrested: nope

82. cried when someone died: yes

83. fallen for a friend: HJFKSHFKJDHSKFHDSKJF

do you believe in:

84. yourself: NOT ENOUGH

85. miracles: YE

86. love at first sight: NOT RLLY LOVE but like a crush yes???

87. santa claus: I DONT THINK I EVER HAVE

88. kiss on the first date: mmmmaybe if u know them

89. faeries: MMAYB

other:

90. current best friend name: KHALO AND BRANDON AND VAAN!!!

91. eye color: dark brown but they look like the void yo

92. favorite movie: MOANA ATM!!!!!

ANYBODY I TAG U ALL AND DON’T FORGET TO TAG ME I WANNA KNOW U GUYS!!!

[francu-s]

Laments in 3 parts

Lament part I

Not Les Mis related just sayin’... what you find here are: feelings, life and a couple of progress pics to lessen the pain.

I know my posts are... sparse in number, to say the least. I also know that most of my followers started to follow me due to my les mis related drawings. So every time when I felt like sharing some personal details, or write a random post, I was like “ow no, don’t do it, you just waste others' time, nobody cares about your shit and so-called 'problems', they are just whinings anyway (fuck, if you want to know what 'problem' really means, check out the news)."

Almost everyone knows this feeling I guess - when your bitch of mind is your worst enemy.  

But... maybe we should take it as a challenge.

Take it as a challenge and resist the urge to say 'sorry' after telling what needs to be told, or taking the blame for something what has nothing to do with you. Say 'no' to things what you don't want to do, and don't feel bad about it. Say 'no' to shame, sorrow, doubt and fear.

Harder than one might think! I try to live like this since last month and still fail in it every day. Like, I have deleted 5 'sorry'-s and 14 self-degrading sentences so far. I do not want to say sorry for my feelings anymore, or see them a burden what's unfair to share. If writing them out helps me then I have to do so.

To be honest, I wanted to put a "keep reading" button at the very beginning, but then I realized - that's exactly the root of the problem. The need to hide away even from myself, to feel unworthy, and frightened by exposure.  

And the sad truth is that whatever happened in the past, I did this to myself. It was not a conscious decision to close up like a seashell of course, but it's time to take responsibility for myself. I have to open up. I have to re-learn how to let things in, and out. How to let a person close, be an old friend or a stranger. How to trust.

I want to be brave and happy again. I want to get better.  

So I refuse to put that "keep reading" button there.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lament part II

And now... let's practise this "sharing" thing.

I work as an au-pair right now, and the little girl I look after always asks somebody to check on her after bedtime. This person is usually her mummy but she travels a lot (like, for 4 days or one whole week) due to her work, and the task then falls on me. Her mom said it isn't really necessary to do so, though - if she is sleeping she will never know if you checked on her or not. The surprising thing is that this possibility of cheating has never occurred to the little girl. Well, I skipped the check-ons many times (still do) I admit that, but I felt bad about it so I usually crept to the door as she asked, but did not go into the room. Mostly bc she was a very poor sleeper in my first couple of months with her and did not wish to wake her up accidently and screw up my night with it.

It was too good to last for long. After the third time period or so alone, she finally stated the logical question:

"How will I know if you checked on me?"

Lol, how indeed...

So that night I made her very first bedtime note. Just a silly drawing on a piece of paper, a little girl in her bed and a short message (something like "I was here at 21:15"). I made three more at that week.

It worked. She loved them.

And the thing is, her mom loved them even more. She liked them so much that she asked me to draw some more so she can collect them and put them on the wall in a nice frame, well how lovely that would be.

I was flattered and happy, said OK but from that minute I just didn't feel so thrilled about this whole bedtime note thing. As that Lakota proverb says: "Force, no matter how concealed, begets resistance." I have made more than 60 bed-time notes so far but only 10 or 15 which I really felt like, "wow I got I good idea for this one, let's do it" (I might share some of them later on). And this - to be unhappy while drawing and almost unable to perform - made me wonder if it was a good idea to pursue this utopia, to draw for a living. And I don't really dare to look at the bottom of this question bc the next logical one is this: "What to do, then?"

And the answer is... nothing. I don't want to do anything. I feel no calling, no enthusiasm by anything, or not for long enough. And I am tired and numb by fear.

The worst thing that maybe drawing IS part of the problem. ("Am I a part of the cure? Or am I part of the disease?") I can't say I'm happy when I'm drawing but I'm in this flowing, timeless state and I feel nothing then. Nothing in a good way. I thought that helps. But maybe this is just a defensive mechanism on my part - I draw bc it makes (made) me feel safe. I draw to isolate myself from the world in body, mind and soul. To shut down, don't think, just be. To procrastinate dealing with Real Life.

All I know that it makes me angry when I feel like drawing and I can't, or when I have to draw something else what I feel for (even if the former is for free and the latter is for money... especially then).

Btw money - let's get back to my host mom/boss. 2 weeks ago she asked if I would draw a picture for her company. She offered 20 pound for it and I said yes bc it actually did seem interesting, so why not? So I asked about the details but haven't gotten much, only vague ideas. I made sketches, made modifications as her idea got more clear (but not much clearer). Never, ever say yes to a job where the customer has no idea what she/he/they actually wants! (yep it seems evident now...).

I have shoved her every progress, she was happy with them.

Then, at the very end of the project, she said there was a different style in her mind. Hand-made watercoloured picture to name it.

For God's sake, man... She knew how my style looks like. She knew I was working on the computer. She saw all the WIP pics.

I thought back the late week then - all the hours I spent drawing it, all the night I could have spent working on something else, or just sleep. I mean, there was at least 3 days when I did not get away from the computer for 5 constant hours, not even to pee. I was thinking of the burning sensation in my eyes (not crying, just too much hours in front of the computer). I was doing some quick maths then - how much time did I waste on this, exactly?... Let's be gracious here - 20 hours or so.

Let's just pretend for a funny moment that I actually hold a proper job, and also pretend that a proper job can be compared to art.

The minimum wage over 25 is currently 7.20 pound per hour in the UK, I just checked it. If you are an apprentice then 3.40, this is the minimum of minimums.  

When I said OK to this project I did not do it for the money, but anyway, let's just take out our pocket calculator, shall we? (if you mess with the zero then you don't even need one:)

20 x 7.20 = 144 20 x 3.40 = 68

So. At that point, all my sense of humor has left me.

And the worst part? I felt disappointed - in myself. I felt I failed her. That the whole shit is my fault. And that after all this work, I still owe her. I owe her a finished piece of art, watercoloured as she wants, even if watercolouring (OK, colouring in general) is as far out of my comfort zone as it is possible. I am the line-art type and not the colour type of person. But I felt I have to become a master of watercolour for next day no matter what and DO THE THING.

She has been so kind to print the line-art for me. I told her that I try to do my best but for watercolouring you have to use aquarelle paper.

Some harmful, ill determination and maximalism what made me finish this project. I bought paper, brushes, watercolours, all from my own money. I was not even thinking anymore. If any HR manager asks me during a job interview if I am a dedicated person, I shall tell them this story. (Then they can send me away for being such an idiot.)

Yes, I know I am an idiot. What else can I be when I still feel disappointed in myself, convinced that she did not like the final piece and only that damned English Politeness made her say what she said, and that I almost refused to take the 20 pound when she gave it to me today?

I reckon everyone reading this has already guessed that the whole post is about "releasing some steam". Here, I release some of the progress pics, too, out of gratitude that you haven't clicked on the "unfollow" button yet:

The original concept what I got: 1) hares 2) big hats.

Some random sketches and stages:

 She wanted only 3 hares having tea and cylinders like the Mad Hatter's in Alice in Wonderland. (couldn't you just say this much at the very beginning?)

Line art without the hats

Final line-art

Here is the flower border what she asked for (and what I spent one of those constant 5 hours on), and which was not needed after all.

Before colouring

Finished colouring (it's a fabric company and they wanted to show off their new collection on the hats)

Desperate attempt to make it less line-work-ish

Final watercoloured shit

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lament part III

The gall of me. I am not only an idiot, but an ungrateful, selfish one.

I hesitated to post this as my mind has been mocking me with one word during the whole time while writing it:

fanfiction

I plan to dedicate a proper post for this topic alone some time. For now, I just want to say that reading fanfictions is, shame or not, one of the most important aspect of my life. I have been reading them for more than a decade now, but they were my fuel of life in the last for 3 years or so. I can't be grateful enough for all the stories which kept (and still do keep) me going, and the authors who share their work, not for 20 pound or for one million as they deserve, but for free, without any lament.

If I were religious I would say: God bless you all. I wish you the very best and everything what you might wish for yourselves.