#i did already love her before i knew shed be on a second ep too

[just-spacetrash]

🕵️

[chalkrevelations]

Episode 32 of Word of Honor, and once again, this is just. A LOT. A LOT is happening, and all of it is A LOT. Also, show, what is even happening? I have questions. A LOT of questions.

(Spoilers. Go ahead and scroll on by, then come back later, if you want to watch it unspoiled.)

BUT FIRST, before anything else, you know I have to yell about this for a minute because we once again see that the Gu Xiang/Cao Weining relationship and the Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishou relationship are the same relationship. We get the same scene with A-Xiang and Cao Weining – again – that we’ve already seen with Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu, this time from Ep 27, with Fan Shishu in the role of Ye Baiyi. Fan Shishu (YBY) asks “Do you know who she (he) is?” and this time, Cao Weining knows, just as ZZS knew in Ep 27. Cao Weining (ZZS) literally throws himself in front of A-Xiang (WKX) to protect her (him). “Kill us both” (Ep 27). “If you’re going to hurt her, kill me first” (Ep 32). Fan Shishu, like YBY, eventually lets A-Xiang and Cao Weining go, despite having them in a position where he could do them in. Color palettes between the two couples in these scenes match again, with the younger couple being more intense this time – A-Xiang and Wen Kexing in pinks, Cao Weining and Zhou Zishu in blue. (ZZS is mainly in creams and grey, but the piping on his robes is a very light blue, I think the greys have a blue undertone to them, and when you stand him next to Chengling in more intense blue while he’s wearing that particular outfit, it really starts to pull out the blue of ZZS’s outside robe – you can see this at the end of Ep 26.) Between the way these relationships continue to mirror each other and the hairpin scene from the last ep, I honestly don’t know what our takeaway is supposed to be, other than that WKX and ZZS are essentially married.

I also find it interesting - although this almost seems like too much of a stretch to be anything other than coincidence - that we get a specific callback to Ep 27 in this episode, as Ep 27 is also when WKX talks about not wanting to lie to Chengling about who he is anymore, and this ep is when they finally (apparently) meet again after Chengling learns the truth.

Aaaand now A-Xiang is crying, so of course I’m crying. Aaaand then we have the mournful montage. Give me a minute. And some tissues. I notice how much of this mournful drunken montage is ZZS remembering all the times he was cranky with WKX. Oh, honey. No. That’s what you’re remembering, because you feel bad, but it’s not what he would remember at all, if he was looking back over his time with you. And even if he did, it would be with great fondness.

Yeah, so, if I haven’t mentioned, this episode is a LOT. We get a big confrontation between WKX and half the jianghu/the Scorpions/some of the Ghost Valley contingent, ZZS showing up to support his man, Fantastic Cranky Grandpa of my heart getting in his eleven cents, Chengling shooting one of his dads, and two yeets off a cliff. And that’s only 15 minutes into the episode. This is too much, show. And I have too many questions. Also some observations. Also some wild speculation, not just about the fact that Wen Kexing is not dead but also about how he may have (not) got that way. And not just because there’s still four episodes left, and it’s too early for him to be dead.

First a small observation but pretty significant, I think: WKX is NOT in his blood-red Ghost Valley master robes during this confrontation. In fact, I think we’ve seen this set of robes in happier days with Zhou Zishou and Chengling. Just noticing this. Also noticing WKX’s face when Shen Shen starts going on about WKX’s parents and how omg if they could see WKX now they’d die all over from the shame, and WKX’S expression is like, the fucking audacity of Shen Shen saying this, and if he could actually kill people with the power of his mind, Shen Shen would be twitching and frothing on the ground. Also noticing the complete change when WKX sees Chengling – it’s like Shen Shen ceases to even exist for him. Gong Jun, your face, it’s killing me. Anyway, I’m going to start wildly speculating here for a minute, because WKX is willing to let Chengling kill him, because he’s so tired and wants to stop fighting, but he’s going to kick everyone else’s ass who even tries it? And then Chengling is actually the one who shoots him and yeets him off the cliff? Is this a set up? Is Chengling in on this? Is he the one who’s supposed to “kill” WKX? If so, at what point did we get Chengling in on this? And who did it? Did Chengling send what’s his name, Jing Beiyuan’s guard, away on purpose at this particular point, because he knew ZZS would show up in time for this confrontation if he heard about Chengling’s reaction to the news about WKX? And do I actually believe Chengling is smart enough – and a good enough actor – to pull off any of this? (Look, I love our little goldbean plenty, but let’s face it, he’s not the brightest kid running around here.)

Also, my dudes. My clever little killers. Xie Wang and Wen Kexing. I am unwilling to believe that you two aren’t somehow still together on this in some way in order to fuck over Awful Yifu. Your antagonistic back and forth seems a little bit like playing roles. Xie Wang gives Awful Yifu a weird side-eye a few times when Awful Yifu talks about how tricksy and cunning WKX is, like maybe he’s reconsidering, and do not tell me you’re questioning and reconsidering whatever deal you’ve made with WKX, little gambler. Why does your Awful Yifu’s bs always work on you? This is really not the time to roll the dice again. I’m assuming A-Xiang is still the only one who knows about their tete-a-tete? If so, this is a side-take I never would have expected on “you don’t fail me, and I won’t fail you.” Honor among thieves? Stick to the plan, Xie’er, whatever the hell it is. Do not blink.

So then, Ye Baiyi shows up, and my immediate reaction is NO. My beloved cranky grandpa, don’t fuck this up, because whatever is going on seems to already have a lot of moving parts with a lot of places for things to go wrong! But … are you in on it, too? Have YOU coordinated with Chengling? (If so, maybe you should have warned him to expect ZZS’s wild-card self-yeet over the cliff’s edge, since you’ve already seen how self-destructive self-sacrificing these two can get over each other.) Making me even more suspicious, Ye Baiyi later proceeds to walk out of a banquet before even eating anything. This guy is walking away from food? There is no clearer sign in this ep that something is up.

Also, while we’re on the banquets, listen. I cannot be the only one who wants to punch Zhao Jing in the face during his interminable yapping during both post-fight banquets. This is one of those places where the show and the actor have done their job too well, because he is so dislikeable and so off-putting that I almost can’t bear to actually watch him. And yet, I can’t fast-forward, because what if I miss some info? Like the fact that … you know, I went back to watch this bit three times, and that is a very … interesting series of camera shots during the second banquet - after the toasts, just as a couple of randoms start advocating for Zhao Jing as head of the Five Lakes Alliance, and we move from Xie’er to Shen Shen to Chengling, all of them still standing, facing Zhao Jing after their individual toasts, all of them in a formation that’s almost caging him in from the front and both sides. It gets more interesting every time I watch it. Is … is Shen Shen also in on this, somehow?

See, I know that is a lot of wild speculation. I know Wen Kexing got yeeted off a cliff, and Ye Baiyi was busy catching Zhou Zishu. And we saw a body. And ZZS set that body on fire. But I also know that Liu Qianqiao was the person holding vigil outside the shed where the body was being held. And I know she’s the other person, besides ZZS, who we know of that knows the facemask disguise technique (in fact, didn’t she learn it from ZZS’s shifu?) We actually get reminded of this later on in this very episode. Which makes me wonder if that was actually WKX’s body, or somebody else, in the shed. Who “found” that body and recovered it? Was it a Scorpion or one of the Ghost Valley contingent? Also, where’s that key WKX was waving around, and why does no one seem to remember it?

 Other things:

lol at A-Xiang’s reaction to Jing Beiyun talking about how ZZS used to ask him to set ZZS up with girls. Further lol at Jing Beiyuan, “And funny enough, he was NEVER interested in them. Welp, time for another drink!” Seriously, Qi Ye, we like you, you can absolutely stay.

Still at the banquets, Xie Wang seems discombobulated during a lot of this. And then when Awful Yifu calls him Zhao Xie’er in front of everybody, holy shit, he’s getting everything he ever wanted. Xie’er, you … you’re not going to fall for this again, are you? Please tell me you are not falling for this again, at what is likely a crucial moment. This is NO TIME to take another roll of the dice, little gambler. Stick with the plan, whatever the hell it is.

Oh, hey! Are we finally getting some backstory on Fantastic Cranky Grandpa? Oh. OH. “Our child?” What is up, my friend? (I did go back to Ep 16, when WKX calls Chengling “my child” while defending him against Ye Baiyi, and looking at the Mandarin subtitles, I can’t entirely figure out (with my Level 2 Duolingo Mandarin) all of the nuances of these two references, but it doesn’t look like they’re using the same words to describe these relationships.) So some further wild speculation: Apparently, Cranky Grandpa Fantastico is solitary drinking in the dark instead of feasting at the banquet, over someone who (he feels) foolishly wanted to save the lost souls in the Ghost Valley? And now he feels like fate is making fun of him? And he’s asking Dead Beloved what he would do in Ye Baiyi’s position? Ye Baiyi, is it possible that fate is making fun of you because you have found yourself in the position of saving a lost soul from the Ghost Valley? Also, Ye Baiyi, I’ve noticed the children have been turning you grey. I don’t think you had that grey streak when you showed up for the first Hero’s Conference, did you? In fact, I feel like you got offended when WKX talked shit about possible grey hairs on your head. 

Duan Pengju, this asshole, omg … OMG. Well. I guess you got your confirmation, Xie’er. Were you really considering rolling the dice again? AT THIS POINT?

[deanstop13billyjoeltraxx]

Superposition

a deancas college roommate au :)

Chapter 8 is up on AO3! Chapter-by-chapter masterlist here. 

CW: mentions of verbal abuse, homophobia, alcoholism, jail time. instances of smoking. 

some notes: I usually go through and italicize as necessary when I’m posting on tumblr because it doesn’t copy over from my og text, but this chapter is like 6200 words and i’m just not gonna do that. recommend reading on AO3 for the best experience!!

An Exercise in Futility

Three Years Earlier

Castiel was convinced that his life was one massive, cosmic joke.

He’d been considering the possibility for some time. Being the gay son of a homophobic pastor does that to a person. When he discovered, sometime around the age of twelve, that the girls in his Sunday school class were far less interesting than the boys, he could practically feel God laughing at him. Then there was high school, where the religious prattling was replaced by what felt like endless torment at the hands of his peers. 

He felt like college was quickly becoming the third punchline.

Not that things were bad. Things were good, actually, better than they’d been in years. He was learning about things he cared about. He passed his midterms with flying colors. He even had friends. He spent a weekend watching all of the Lord of the Rings with Charlie. He had switched seats in accounting to sit next to Meg.

And, of course, there was Dean. Dean, who dragged Cas to a football game and didn’t drink a sip of alcohol the whole time in solidarity; Dean, who, after Tombstone, insisted on movie night every Tuesday; Dean, who, demanded that Cas print out a copy of one of his short stories and sign it (“When you’re a famous douchebag, this is gonna be worth so much money”).

It seemed that, on all fronts, Castiel had finally capitalized on the collegiate promise of a second chance. 

But by his own estimation, he was doomed.

Because sometimes, his palms started sweating when Dean stood too close. Sometimes, his heartbeat skipped when Dean threw an arm across Cas’s shoulders. Sometimes, Cas woke up from a dream so vivid, he was disappointed to find himself alone in his bunk bed.

He could see how easy it would be to fall in love with Dean Winchester, what with the blond hair and green eyes, bright smiles and southern lilt, funny jokes and considerate actions. The prospect was utterly terrifying, and Castiel was doing everything in his power to stop dwelling on it.

He’d been down the “falling in love with your straight best friend” road before. AP biology class brought Cas a lab partner in Ben Wright. Soccer team captain, A-student, all around nice guy. Maybe Ben didn’t do anything to stop the constant verbal torment, but he never took part in it. At first, being around him was exhilarating. Sharing looks, catching smiles, trading inside jokes; Cas was intoxicated. He was so high on first love that he made the mistake of confiding in Bartholomew. Cas had always considered him to be a role model, friend and brother at the same time. But that night, when Cas came out, Bartholomew looked at him like one might look at spoiled food. He’d agreed not to tell their father, on the condition that Cas never speak about the matter again, that he figure out some way to “cleanse himself.” They hadn’t spoken since that night.

And so the feelings that once propelled Castiel to school with anticipation suddenly made him dread it. Not only did baring his soul to a brother get him a one-way ticket to estrangement, but Ben started dating someone else, a girl from his English class. Now every shared look was painful, smiles were false, inside jokes stopped being funny.

It was somehow worse, knowing Ben could never feel the same way. It certainly didn’t help the feelings of guilt and shame brought by his family.

Cas would do anything not to feel that way again. 

He started by insisting that Dean invite Benny and Charlie to more of their nightly dinners. And while he honestly liked the both of them, he would be lying if he didn’t admit that their presence was, first and foremost, a distraction from Dean. He took up running again, as a way to get himself out of the dorm when Dean decided to stay in. He spent more time studying with Meg.

Meg was shockingly easy to befriend. She wasn’t nice — Cas had watched in shock when, once, she dumped a hot coffee on a skateboarder who had knocked her down on accident — but she never said a mean thing to Castiel. She was like him: a black sheep, the child everyone wished they could forget. Only, where Cas had become an agnostic and gone to college, Meg had become a Satanist and gone to jail for arson.

But this was her new leaf, she told him. Maybe it didn’t matter why someone needed a second chance, only that they were willing to take one.

They had been working for an hour when she threw her pen at his head and said, “Cas, you should come with me to Sig Ep’s Halloween party tomorrow. Be my date.”

Cas took a moment to process the meaning of party + date + with Meg. “Uh, I don’t — well, um, parties aren’t really —”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re allowed to say no, hun.”

Cas panicked. Meg was looking at him expectantly, her resigned smile making it clear she was prepared for rejection.

“Well, I… It’s not because of you — you’re very beautiful, and smart. Actually, you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve met here.” She grinned at that. “It’s just, I don’t really… Go on dates. With girls.”

She studied him a moment before understanding lit up her face. “Oh.”

Castiel fidgeted with his pencil, refusing to meet her eyes. He’d only ever done this once, and it hadn’t gone well. But he liked having a friend, and more than that, he liked having Meg as a friend. He didn’t want her to think he wasn’t interested because of any fault of her own.

“Cas,” she said. When he didn’t respond, she poked him in the arm. “Castiel.” He raised his eyes. “It’s cool. It’s not like you can just choose to like girls when a pretty one asks you on a date.”

“I… Understand, if you would rather not be friends,” Cas said, cautiously.

“What?” Meg’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about? Why would I not want to be friends?” She laughed a little. “That would be super ironic, considering I told you I went to juvie and you didn’t bat an eye.”

“Because I’m gay,” Cas said quietly, looking down again.

Meg grabbed both his hands. “Cas, hun, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

He looked up again, eyes wide. “What? I mean, I know that, I just… Not everyone does.”

Meg smiled sadly at him and gripped his hands a little tighter. “Well, I do. No biggie. We’re going to be iconic together, you and I. Sexiest gay-straight alliance of all time.”

Cas smiled weakly, relief flooding his entire body. “Thank you, Meg. I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to make any judgements on your character. It’s just… This,” he motioned at the air between them, “has never gone well for me.”

Meg shook her head. “That’s a shame,” she said. “I haven’t known you that long. But I think I can tell that you — all the parts of you — are awesome.”

“You can still come to the party,” she added after a moment.

Cas shook his head, capping and uncapping his pen repeatedly. “Parties… They’re not really my scene.”

“All right. You know who to call if you change your mind.”

                   On Halloween, Castiel returned from his nightly run to find Dean pulling on a flannel. He checked his watch — he had barely made it. 6:57 pm.

“Right on time,” Dean said. “I was about to leave without you.”

“I would have never forgiven you if you did,” Cas joked. Then, “Are Charlie and Benny coming?”

“Nah, they’re both busy tonight. Halloween parties, you know.”

“Oh.” Castiel took a large sip of his water. “You’re not attending a Halloween party?”

Dean shrugged. “Wasn’t really feeling it tonight. Plus, I have a feeling you’ve never seen The Exorcist?” When Cas shook his head, Dean rubbed his hands together. “Oh man, we are totally watching it tonight. Unless you’re busy,” he added, raising his eyebrows at Cas.

“I’m not,” Cas replied. Dean knew this already, of course, otherwise Cas might have made something up. The waters in which he tread got more dangerous each day. He couldn’t escape the warm feeling flooding his chest at the idea of Dean ditching the parties for a movie night.

It was precisely that feeling that caused him to hurriedly ask, “Would you mind if I invited Meg to dinner?”

“Who?” Dean asked, lacing up his boots.

“Meg Masters. She’s the friend from accounting that I told you about.”

“Ah,” Dean said. “Right. What, just me isn’t good enough anymore?” Cas thought he was joking, but it seemed forced.

“Dean —”

“I’m kidding, man,” Dean said with a short laugh. “Sure, she can come.”

Castiel hurriedly splashed his face with cold water and shed his sweaty t-shirt in favor of a hoodie. Dean feigned a sniff in his direction and made a face, to which Cas replied with an eye-roll. As they left their dorm, Cas sent a text to Meg.

CN (7:02 pm)

Would you like to get dinner with Dean and me?

CN (7:02 pm)

Unless you’re already at your party, in which case, be safe.

MM (7:03 pm)

Party not til later. hot roommate dean?

CN (7:04 pm)

...Is that a yes?

MM (7:04 pm)

Yes please ;) shocker dining?

CN (7:05 pm)

Yes. We’ll meet you there.

Dean grabbed a burger and an inordinate amount of fries while Castiel loaded his plate with spaghetti and a salad. Meg walked into the dining room just after he and Dean sat down, and Cas waved her over.

“Meg,” he said, offering her the seat next to his, “this is Dean Winchester. Dean, this is Meg Masters.” Dean smiled at her with a mouthful of french fries. Cas dropped his head in exasperation.

“Pleasure,” Meg said with a half-cocked smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Dean shrugged. “I am pretty awesome. Can’t say the same about you, though.”

Cas went bright red. He shot Dean a glare, then turned to Meg. “He’s joking —”

Meg’s grin only widened, and she giggled. “It’s all right, Cas, I’m not very interesting.” She raised an eyebrow at him. He became extremely intent upon eating his dinner.

Dean stared at her for a moment, chewing a bite of burger. “So,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “You know Cas from accounting?”

“That’s right,” Meg said brightly.

“So he’s your tutor or somethin’?”

Cas interjected. “Actually, Meg is far more capable than I am. She essentially taught me everything about liabilities.”

“Adorable,” Dean grumbled.

“Isn’t it?” Meg asked sweetly. “And you’re his roommate.”

“Yep.”

“Lucky you.” She gave him a wink. Dean choked on his diet Coke, and Castiel prayed to whomever was listening that he might cease to exist.

“Meg,” he said, giving her a pointed look, “did you finish the homework?”

She pulled her eyes away from Dean. “Yeah, I did.” She dropped her voice. “Did you want to go over it? At my place?” She winked at Cas, who stared at her in horror. Why was she acting like this? “You know,” Meg continued, “We can do other things too. Besides accounting.”

Dean cleared his throat loudly. “I’m gonna go grab some more fries. Do y’all want anything?” 

Cas and Meg shook their heads. When Dean had left the table, Cas gave Meg a death stare.

“What’s wrong with you?” He hissed. “I thought we covered this —”

“Yes, Cas, hun, I know you’re extraordinarily gay,” Meg said with an eyeroll. “I’m not actually interested. I’m just conducting an experiment.” 

Cas narrowed his eyes. “What ‘experiment’—”

He closed his mouth abruptly and leaned away from Meg when he saw Dean returning from the buffet line. He returned to his seat, looking between Cas and Meg suspiciously. Cas downed his water in one swift action.

“So, Dean,” Meg said after taking a bite of her pizza. “I hear you’re educating our friend here on pop culture.”

Dean didn’t bother to look up at her while he swirled a fry in ketchup. “Guess so.” 

Cas cleared his throat to interject. This direction of conversation was much better. “Meg asked what my favorite movie was,” he explained to Dean, who still hadn’t looked up from his plate. “I told her about how much I liked Back to the Future when we watched it last week.” 

Dean gave him a small smile. “Yeah, that movie’s friggin’ awesome.”

Cas turned to Meg. “We’re watching The Exorcist tonight.” 

Meg gasped dramatically. “So that’s why you blew off our date?”

Dean sputtered into his drink. “Date?” He said through a cough.

Cas looked helplessly at Meg, who unhelpfully smiled back. He was going to have words with her after this. 

“I asked him to come to the SigEp party, but he said he was busy,” Meg said, feigning a pout. “But I get it, parties aren’t really Cas’s thing, anyway.”

Dean’s eyes flickered quickly between Cas and Meg. “All right, am I missing something?” He asked. His leg was bouncing against the table leg, hard enough that Cas’s plate was vibrating. 

Cas looked at him, panicked, and stuttered out, “I don’t —”

“Like what?” Meg asked, sipping on her water.

“You his girlfriend or somethin’?”

This question delighted Meg. “Why don’t you ask him?”

Dean turned to Cas with an exasperated look. “Well?” He prodded.

Cas was sure he was about three different shades of red at this point. “What — I — no,” he sputtered.

Dean seemed to relax a little. Meg was still grinning like a madman. “There you go,” she said.

Castiel could not formulate a single coherent thought. He was confused as to how they even ended up here. The silence between the three of them was thick and awkward. Meg paid it no mind, just popped a strawberry in her mouth and gave Dean a sickly sweet smile. Dean excused himself to use the restroom, hitting his leg on the table and nearly tripping over his chair. Once he had left, Meg turned to Cas, her eyes sparkling.

“You are so in,” she said.

“What the hell was that?” He asked her. “What just happened?”

“He thinks I’m into you,” she explained. She took a bite of her pizza, then continued, “And he thinks you might be into me. And he hates that.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Cas scoffed.

Meg laughed, throwing her head back. When Cas fixed her with a glare, her eyes widened. “You really don’t see it?”

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s nothing to ‘see’. I already told you.”

“Yeah, right. Whatever, you’ll thank me later.”

“For creating what is perhaps the most awkward dinner I’ve ever had in my life?”

She waved him off. “Don’t be such a baby, it wasn’t that bad.”

Cas gave her a look that suggested otherwise. She sighed.

“Look, the way you talk about him…” Meg grabbed Cas's hand when he rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. You like him, and now you know he likes you too.” She sat up proudly. “I just did all the heavy lifting for you.”

“Right,” Cas said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Obviously, this interaction points to an inevitable romantic encounter. Except, and I think this is important, Dean is not gay.”

Meg raised an eyebrow. “Well, the way he looks at you, he’s not straight either. Plus, he apparently still thinks you’re straight, so you two haven’t had that conversation yet. He could be flamingly bisexual and you would never know.”

“This conversation is exhausting.” Cas felt like he was watching a Disney Channel Original Movie, and Meg was a fifteen-year-old matchmaker.

Meg laughed. “I’m sure you’ll survive. By the way, did you actually want to go over the homework this weekend?”

“Yes,” he said, relieved at the change in subject.

Dean returned then. “Are y’all done?” He asked, pointing to their plates. Cas and Meg both nodded, offering “thank you’s” as Dean took their plates to the dish rack. They followed him to the exit, the crisp air sending a chill through Castiel.

“Did you want me to walk back with you, Meg?” Cas offered.

She beamed at him. “You’re so sweet, but no. I’m getting an Uber to Sig Ep, anyway.” She dug into her coat pocket and pulled out something small and black. “Plus, if anyone tries anything, they’ll find themselves electrocuted. Just a little bit.”

Cas grinned. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“See you on Monday, Cas,” Meg said, giving him a hug that lasted just a touch too long. “It was good to meet you, Dean.”

“You too,” Dean muttered.

They watched her walk away for a moment. Cas wanted to avoid looking at Dean for as long as humanly possible. He had no idea how he was supposed to explain the previous interaction.

“So,” Dean said, clearing his throat. “She’s… Nice.”

“She is,” Castiel agreed earnestly. “Dean, I’m sorry, Meg can be a bit…” He struggled to find an adequate descriptor. “I think she enjoys others’ discomfort a bit too much, sometimes,” he finished.

Dean let out a short laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. It’s not a big deal, man.”

They stood in silence, Dean looking at the ground intently, Cas tugging on the strings of his hoodie. Dean kicked a rock, then sighed. “You, uh, you ready to head back?”

“Yes,” Cas replied.

The walk back to their dorm was quiet. Castiel couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought Dean looked bothered. He felt bad — he had honestly expected for Meg and Dean to get along. He had thought them to be similar in their confident and boisterous personalities. Now, he wondered if that was precisely the problem. Too much personality at the same dinner table. He winced internally at his own poor judgement. Meg obviously took no issue with the encounter, but he worried that Dean might hold it against him.

Dean let them into their room, then wrinkled his nose at Cas once more. “Dude, seriously, go take a shower. You’re gross.”

“Actually, I enjoy the feeling of my sweat drying all over my skin. I was thinking of going straight to bed like this. It’s not as if I didn’t take a shower because of your constant insistence upon eating meals at the same time every day”

Dean made a gagging motion. “Hey, we had an appointment, and you were almost late. How is that my fault?”

Cas just rolled his eyes and gathered his things to head to the showers. He let out a muttered, “Crap” when he realized nearly all of his laundry was dirty. He’d been busy this week, and running every day tended to render his clothes unwearable after a single use. He made a mental note to do laundry first thing in the morning. He was able to find an old pair of gym shorts, but not a single t-shirt remained in his closet. Cas groaned inwardly. So he would simply have to sit next to Dean for approximately two-and-a-half hours, shirtless. Fantastic.

When he returned from his shower, Cas found Dean cooking two bags of popcorn, the title menu of The Exorcist already on screen. Dean stood up from the microwave when Cas entered, and was halfway into a thumbs-up when he did a double take.

“Uh… We goin’ shirtless tonight, Baywatch?” He said, tugging at his collar.

Castiel tilted his head. “I don’t understand that reference.”

“Of course you don’t,” Dean said with a chuckle. “Seriously, though, dude.”

Cas sighed as he sat on their beanbag. “I have a lot of laundry to do tomorrow,” he said by way of an explanation.

Dean didn’t respond, but made his way to his own closet. He ruffled through it for a moment before Cas was hit in the face by a t-shirt.

“Here, just wear one of mine,” Dean said. He coughed and crossed his arms over his chest. “‘S kinda cold in here, anyway.”

Cas held up the shirt. It was a Led Zeppelin graphic tee, vintage, from their tour in 1977. Cas raised his eyebrows at Dean.

“It’s pretty awesome right?” Cas donned the t-shirt. “Sammy got it for me from a Goodwill a couple years ago. Another of my prized possessions.” He looked at Cas with feigned scrutiny. “Looks good on you,” he said.

Cas played with the hem as he said, “Thank you.” Dean coughed again and walked back to the microwave to retrieve their popcorn. The air was palpable with awkwardness.

Dean turned out the lights. They settled onto the beanbag, as had become custom in the last few weeks. 

Not even thirty minutes in, Dean’s phone began to ring. “Hey, my brother’s callin’, can you pause it?” Dean said.

Cas obliged, and Dean stood as he said, “Hey, Sammy, how’s it goin’?”

Cas sat awkwardly with his hands in his lap, doing his best not to eavesdrop on Dean’s conversation. Though, he supposed if it was private, Dean could have moved to the hallway. Instead, he leaned against the door, twisting the beaded bracelet on his left hand. 

“He did what?” Dean suddenly yelled, and Cas jumped. Dean shot him a quick apologetic look. “

“Sammy, calm down, it’s okay,” Dean said, and Cas couldn’t pretend to not listen anymore. He looked at Dean with a silent question, but Dean was staring hard at the wall, his free hand balled into a fist. 

“Put him on the phone,” Dean said in a low voice. A pause. “What, so now he’s allowed to treat you like shit whenever he wants?” Another pause. A slow exhale from Dean. “No, you’re right. I don’t… I won’t make it worse.” Pause. “Do you want me to come down there? Because I will, you know I will.” 

Dean was silent for a long moment before asking, “Are you sure?” He sighed at whatever his brother said on the other line. “Okay. Let me know if you need anything, I guess. And Sam? I’m really fucking sorry. I should’ve stayed, I don’t…” He trailed off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I know. Yeah. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” 

Dean lowered the phone from his ear. He stood silently for a moment, angry gaze directed at the floor. Then, causing Cas to jump once more, he turned and hurled his fist at the door. 

There was a loud thud upon impact, and then Dean was yelling “Fuck! Goddammit!” as he cradled his hand. Cas stood abruptly, but had no idea what to do. He walked toward Dean, cautiously.

Dean’s eyes were closed, and he was heaving deep breaths. Cas put a hand on his shoulder. “Dean?” He ventured.

“Sorry,” Dean mumbled, still not looking at Cas. “I just — Fuck, that was so stupid,” he said, shaking out his affected hand. “Sorry,” he repeated to the wall. 

“It’s fine,” Cas said, even though he thought it definitely wasn’t. “What happened?” 

Dean just shook his head. Cas’s hand remained on his shoulder. He tightened his grip, a little nervous that Dean might shove him off. “Dean,” he persisted. “You can tell me.” 

Finally, Dean looked at him, and Cas thought if that level of rage was ever directed at him, he would promptly die. Instead, he raised an eyebrow. “Are you all right?” 

“No,” Dean growled. “I gotta — I don’t know, I need to calm down. I don’t actually want to break something,” he said, motioning to the door. “I’m gonna go for a smoke.” 

Cas dropped his hand and folded his arms across his chest. “I’ll go with you.” 

“Cas —” Dean started, but Cas silenced him with a look. He grabbed one of Dean’s flannels from his desk chair and threw it at him. Dean caught it with a cross between surprise and irritation. Cas grabbed his own windbreaker and put it on, looking expectantly at Dean. 

“Are we going?” He asked. 

Dean looked at him as if he was trying to decide whether arguing was worth it. A sigh confirmed that it wasn’t. He silently pulled on his flannel and opened the door, ushering Cas through before exiting himself. 

They walked in silence, despite the fervor of Cas’s concern and curiosity at Dean’s outburst. Dean’s jaw was set, and he took a long, slow breath when they hit the crisp fall air. When they reached the Impala, Cas silently moved to lean on the hood while Dean retrieved his lighter and a cigarette. 

Dean joined Cas as he took a long draw. He exhaled the smoke upwards, his eyes closed. His face was still turned to the sky when he asked, “This really doesn’t bother you?”

“What?”

Dean brandished his cigarette in answer, turning to raise an eyebrow at Cas. 

Cas shrugged. “It’s not particularly comforting. But, there are worse things.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up thoughtfully. “Besides, you’ve been smoking for years. If anyone could convince you to quit, your random college roommate isn’t the most likely option.” 

Dean gave him a strange look before exhaling another plume of smoke. He coughed a little. “I think you have long passed the line between ‘random roommate’ and ‘new best friend.’”

Cas gave a little chuckle. “That’s good to hear.” Inside, his world was falling down and rebuilding itself anew. Dean thought of Cas as his best friend. Cas had never known that feeling, to have someone care about him like that. Cas wondered if that could be enough, being Dean’s best friend.  

He didn’t say anything more, though, just let Dean finish his cigarette. After throwing the butt on the pavement and stomping on it, he heaved a sigh. 

“My dad…” He started, but paused. “He, uh, he said some stuff to Sam. My brother.” 

Cas nodded, doing his best to keep his face neutral. Talking things through wasn’t Dean’s strong suit, and Cas didn’t want dramatics to make it more difficult. 

“What did he say?”

Dean shifted and rubbed his hands together. “Bunch of bullshit. ‘It’s your fault your Mom’s dead, it should have been you instead of her.’” Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I mean, he used to say that to me. He gets into these moods when he drinks, says a bunch of shit he doesn’t mean.” 

Dean shoved himself off the hood and began to pace in front of Cas. “But I could take it, you know? Sammy’s just a kid. He doesn’t need to hear that.” 

“Your father says things like this often?” Cas asked, a tinge of horror in his voice. 

“He used to. But only to me. Never to Sam.” 

Cas took a deep breath, trying to discern how best to proceed. “Dean,” he said slowly, “he shouldn’t say those things. Ever. Not to Sam, and not to you.” 

“I’m just confused,” Dean said. “And pissed. Sam and him are usually okay. I mean, they’re not buddies or anything, but Dad leaves him alone for the most part.”

“I don’t want to overstep,” Cas said, “But it seems like your father used you as an outlet for misplaced rage. A punching bag, if you will. And now you’re gone, so Sam is the next best thing.” 

Dean met Cas'seyes with a horrified look. “God. I didn’t… You’re right. Shit, this is my fault, I can’t believe I —”

“No, Dean,” Cas growled. He stood and grabbed Dean by both shoulders. “This is your father’s fault. Not yours.”

“But I left Sam, alone, with him,” Dean said, and Cas could see panic rising in his eyes. “How could I do that, why —” Cas interrupted him again. “Why did you decide to attend college, Dean? What’s the real reason?”

“What?” Dean gave him an incredulous look. “I don’t know.” 

Cas tilted his head down, skeptical. 

Dean let out a long sigh. “Okay, all right. I went because Sam is smart, and he needs to go. But we don’t have any money. So I figured if I came and got a degree or some shit, I could make enough to throw him some cash while he goes to school. Get some summer internships and save up for his college fund. He’d probably still have to take out loans and stuff, but if I got a good job, I could help him pay them off.” 

Cas wasn’t sure what answer he had expected, but it wasn’t that one. He felt his heart break for the man standing in front of him, who did everything he could and more for the people he cared about and never felt like it was enough. 

“Would Sam ever hold that against you?” When Dean didn’t respond, Cas continued. “I know I wouldn’t. I have four older siblings, and not a single one of them has ever done something like that for me.”

“But—”

“You’re making yourself miserable over something that isn’t your fault,” Cas said. “Did you have anyone protecting you when your father went on a tirade?” 

“No, but—”

“Is Sam incapable of handling himself?”

“No, but Cas—”

“He’ll be alright, Dean,” Cas insisted. “You can’t live your whole life as his shield. You’ll break yourself trying.” 

Dean was silent, and wouldn’t  meet Cas's eyes. Cas dropped his hands and leaned back against the Impala. “Did you ever think that Sam might have wanted you to go to school simply so you could get yourself out? Did you ever think that Sam hates the way your father treated you as much as you hate what he did to Sam tonight?” 

Dean pursed his lips together, but his jaw relaxed slightly. Finally, he muttered, “I guess I never thought about it like that.” 

Cas felt relief wash over him. He’d never seen Dean like this — angry and frantic. Cas wondered if Dean always did this, shouldered the blame for every bad thing his brother had to endure. The thought made his chest hurt. 

Dean’s hands were hanging limply at his side. He looked exhausted. Against his better judgement, Cas grabbed Dean by the forearm and pulled him into a hug. Dean was still for a moment, but then sighed and rested his head on Cas's shoulder. 

“Sorry, man,” he said. “I didn’t mean to act like that, punching things and shit. I just get so angry, and I don’t know what to do with it.” 

Cas was trying very hard to form a coherent thought. “There’s no need for apologies. I understand.” 

A chuckle escaped Dean’s lips. “You must think I’m a complete nutjob, huh?” 

Cas tilted his head in consideration. Dean’s hair tickled his cheek. “No. I think your father spent years verbally abusing you, and you’re doing your best in spite of that.” 

Dean broke the hug abruptly. The sudden space between them felt criminal. “I mean, I don’t know if it’s abuse…” He started, but, at Cas's look, he trailed off. Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks, Cas,” he said quietly. “Honestly, dude, I don’t know what I would have done without you.” 

Cas's cheeks warmed, and he shrugged. “You would have done the same for me.” 

Dean gave him a small smile. Cas’s heart nearly broke with relief. “I’m beat,” he said. “Bed?” 

Cas nodded eagerly. “Bed.” 

When they reached the stairs, Dean broke the heavy silence.

“So…” He began. There was a false brightness in his voice; he was obviously searching for levity. “You hanging out with your girlfriend tomorrow?” 

“If you’re referring to Meg, she’s still not my girlfriend,” Cas replied vacantly. “And yes.” He suddenly felt exhausted. First the mortifying dinner with Meg, then the heavy conversation with Dean. He hardly had it in him to field jokes about Meg being his girlfriend.

“She’s not your girlfriend yet,” Dean amended, giving Cas a smirk that didn’t meet his eyes. 

And what was Cas supposed to say to that? Meg was funny and smart and beautiful. She and Cas studied together on the regular. There was absolutely no reason he shouldn’t be interested in Meg from Dean’s perspective. 

Of course, if Dean knew he was gay… 

Cas didn’t know if he could face the consequences of coming out to Dean. Would he be upset that Cas hadn’t told him earlier? Would he be uncomfortable with a gay man as his roommate? As his friend? Cas may have expanded his social circle, but he still couldn’t bear to lose Dean. 

But, then again, Dean had defended him once already, without knowing whether or not he was gay. He’d sounded indifferent to the possibility then. And just tonight, he’d called Cas his best friend. Dean cared more deeply for his friends and family than anyone Cas had ever met. Cas was in that group. Dean wouldn’t shove him out of it because of who he loved.

Right?

As they reached the entrance to their hall, Dean poked Cas in the shoulder. “Hey, Earth to Major Tom,” he said. “You okay over there?” 

Cas realized he hadn’t said a word since they started their ascent up the stairs. He sighed heavily.

Perhaps this was as good a time as any. 

“Dean,” he said, but closed his mouth. He should just say it. He had nothing to worry about. This wasn’t Bartholomew. He knew that, but the words remained stuck in his throat.

“What?” Dean said, eyebrows raised. “Cas,” he prodded, waving a hand in front of Cas’s face. 

“I’m not…” Cas swallowed. “I will never date Meg,” he finished, with a pointed look. 

Dean side-eyed him as they walked to their door. “What, she’s not your type?” 

Cas gave him a lopsided smile. “You could say that.” 

“I dunno, man, maybe you should reconsider, you two are pretty adorable, in a gross way —”

“Dean.” Cas was about to rip his hair out. He wasn’t taking the hint. “She’s not my type. She’s a girl.”

Realization dawned on Dean’s face. “Oh,” he said.

“I apologize for not telling you sooner,” Cas said, bracing for the worst. “If that makes you uncomfortable, I understand —”

“What?” Dean practically shouted. At Cas’s look of surprise, he lowered his voice. “No, Cas, are you kidding? I thought I told you, after all that shit with Cole. It’s not a big deal.”

“Knowing your roommate might possibly be gay and knowing he is, indeed, gay are two very different things.”

Dean looked at Cas like he had just made the worst joke in the world. “I’m not gonna, like, try to move out.” As they approached their room, Cas stared resolutely ahead, walking with purpose. But Dean jumped out in front of him, a hand on Cas’s chest to stop him in his tracks. 

“Dude, it’s gonna take more than that to get rid of me. I lost my shit and punched a door, like, an hour ago, and you barely even blinked.” Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

Cas met Dean’s eyes and found unparalleled sincerity.

“I don’t… You’re not the least bit upset?” Cas asked, slightly incredulous. 

Dean shrugged. “You’re my best friend, Cas,” he said as he straightened. “Nothing’s gonna change that.” He pulled on his bracelet. “I do feel bad though, for making you feel like you couldn’t tell me. Not that you had to, or anything,” he added in a rush.  

Cas shook his head vigorously. “It has nothing to do with you, Dean. I’m… I’m new at this,” Cas explained. “The first time, with Bartholomew… I believe he was, as you would say, a dick about it.” 

Dean’s eyes turned stormy. “Bastard,” he said. “I’m sorry, Cas. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.” 

Cas nodded. “You’re right. It was rather unfortunate. I haven’t spoken to him since the night I told him I was gay.” 

Dean moved back to Cas’s side and slung an arm around his shoulders. “His loss,” he said. “You’re friggin’ awesome, dude.” 

Cas smiled. Dean patted him on the back and let the two of them into their room. 

Cas brushed his teeth and climbed into bed. Dean returned minutes later from a shower, and he flipped off the lights as he made his way to his own bunk. 

Cas pulled off Dean’s shirt and threw it across the room. Dean’s head caught it, and he yelped.

“Thank you for the loan,” Cas said, smiling. 

An odd expression crossed Dean’s face before he threw the Zeppelin shirt back to Cas. “Keep it,” he said. When Cas gave him a confused look, he put a hand on the back of his neck. “I meant what I said. Looks good on you.” 

---------

tagging @nguyenxtrang :)))

[sueboohscorner]

OUTLANDER S3 Ep3 "All Debts Paid" .....aka: Whoa Nelly!

So here we are on episode 3....10 more to go.  I knew it when I heard them say back when, that they were doing a book a season (WHY?  Be different!)....that this was going to be like this.  I mean I came out of this episode satisfied with the emotional highs and lows of the episode, but felt like I had to have a seatbelt on as time just flew by so freaking fast! Voyager is a huge book and there is actually quite a bit that happens in this book, especially when we get to Jamaica.  But to do this book in 13 episodes.....I trust that they will cover the basics and hope that all the episodes are as good as the first ones (My most hated ep ever was in Season 2 when Claire and Jamie go to visit Lord Lovat...God awful), but like what is happening in this episode I feel rushed and on a rollercoaster. Once again, as before because of jumping back and forth so freaking much and this time, time literally flies, I will concentrate on on era and then the other.

Claire first:

 SPECIAL ARRANGEMENTS:  We see Claire and Frank still together in 1956 with Claire still going to medical school and Frank is making a good English breakfast which he thinks that Brianna needs more of.  They seem like they are getting along good, friends really.  So Claire asks Frank if they can go see a movie and suggests 2 separate ones.  He smiles a little and is quiet, but then speaks up and says that he has already seen both.  That is when we see the beginning of the arrangement Claire and Frank had made at some time prior.  He is free to see who he wants and do what he wants and she won't question.  This seems to work more or less, as Claire has experienced true deep love with Jamie and he is still in her heart.  Frank, well, I guess you have to feel sorry for him in a way.  He truly loved Claire and nearly went mad trying to find her when she disappeared and then she comes back is pregnant and distant with him.  He wants what she cannot give him, so he looks outside the marriage.  This was something I am glad they hit upon, because I always thought that is what Frank probably was doing, but to have it out as an arrangement, an open marriage in a way, was refreshing.  

SHE ARRIVES: Claire (and Joe Abernathy) graduate from Medical school and a celebration is held first at the house and then they were to go to a restaurant.  Frank seems a little on edge that they haven't left yet and Claire explains that he has the time of the reservation wrong. 

She finds out why he wants everyone out of the house.  The doorbell rings and there is a young woman standing there.  She is surprised to see Claire and Claire puts 2 and 2 together and realizes it is Frank's mistress.  He invited her to their house!  Claire quickly gathers everyone and suggests going to the restaurant early. 

Frank comes home late drunk and to a very nasty Claire.  He really doesn't want to have this conversation, but is seems ready to give it right back to her.  She calls Sandy (yup, a blonde named Sandy) Frank's "blonde harlot" to which Frank claims that green is not really Claire's color.  Claire dares to ask if they had sex in their house, in their bedroom.  Really?  I mean, sex in a twin bed really is NOT a comfortable thing.....but I digress.  Frank just replies that their bedroom is already way too crowded.  Ouch.  Claire then suggests a divorce, but Frank tells Claire of a friend of his that got a divorce and lost his children, because the courts cater to the mothers, not thefathers and he really does not want to lose Brianna.  Claire tells him she would never do that to him, but he refuses the idea of divorce, at least for now.

SUDDENLY GOODBYE:  Time passes, Brianna is all grown up and is now in the shape of the actress that we originally saw her last season.  She has her 16th birthday and then we see her graduating in 1966. 

A little more ahead and Frank comes to Claire and states he wants to take Brianna with him to England.  Claire thinks that is a lovely idea, until Frank says, no they are not coming back.  He now wants a divorce because he wants to marry and be with Sandy and he wants to take Brianna.  Claire is furious and they argue.  Claire suggests divorce, but be careful on what grounds, because he can't really say adultery when there is really no proof, but she can on his end!  Frank tells Claire that he would like to live with a wife who loves him and then adds that all she could see every time she looked at Brianna was HIM.  Yes, it might have been easier if Bree didn't look like Jamie, but I don't think it would have been a cure all.  Frank leaves and Claire sheds a tear. 

 A little while later, Claire gets a call from the hospital to come in for a surgery.  Later we see her with the husband, giving him advice and consoling him as to his wife, who will survive.  When giving him a hug, she see Joe Abernathy coming down the hall with a look of remorse on his face.  He tells Claire that it is Frank, there was a car accident.  She runs down the hall and pauses outside a door.  Inside, we see a very dead (and clean for being in a car accident) Frank. 

It is an emotional goodbye, as Claire tells him, if he is still close enough to hear, that she did love him (and we think....not nearly as much as Jamie) and kisses him goodbye through her tears.  Now, to move on to yet another chapter.

Now Jamie:

THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS:  Jamie has been in Ardsmuir for years and it is now 1755.. It is not the HIlton by any means.  It is filthy, cold and damp and rats are plentiful (which we learn later is a GOOD THING for the prisoners!)  He is out in the yard with the other prisoners, in shackles, hand and feet, and sees the old governor (Harry Quarry)  of the prison showing the new one around (hello Lord John Grey!)  

With Jamie staring at them,  Gov. Quarry points to Jamie and informs Gray that he is the only prisoner they keep in chains and that the prisoners look up to Jamie, consider him like their chief, and call him Mac Dubh. He continues by saying that he treated Jamie as a liaison between him and the prisoners, to keep the peace so to speak and dined with him once a week.  At this point it looks like John Grey may recognize the man that terrorized him on that night when he thought a certain English woman needed rescue. Harry Quarry makes sure to mention the legend of the French gold treasure that supposedly was sent to Prince Charlie and that is supposed to be somewhere out on the moor, but after a few years, he gave up on the search.

Back in the cell, Jamie is listening to the men talk about the "new guy" and Jamie remarks that he seems familiar, but cannot place him.  Then we hear a voice we thought we would never hear again say "So, you've seen the new governor then?"  That my friends is when we book lovers cheer!  When we see beloved Murtagh, who most certainly died at Culloden in the book, is very much alive!  However, Murtagh is coughing and not looking so good.  He is getting sick and not getting any better from the God awful conditions of the prison.  Jamie is called to the Governor's office and you can feel the tension.  However, Jamie is quick to point out the lack of food for the prisoners and when a rat is seen in the room and the other prisoner who acts as the Governor's lackey, is told to bring a cat.  When asked if there are rats in the cells, Jamie tells him there are plenty.  Grey orders a cat for every cell, but Jamie comments that the men might have a problem with sharing the rats with the cats.  Here we find out that the lack of food allows for some serious gross eating.  Even Grey is repulsed.  Other than that it is a short visit and not much is covered.

THE WHITE WITCH RETURNS?  The next thing we know, it is another day, week....who the hell knows....and a raving mad man by the name of Duncan Kerr is found roaming the moors.  He is babbling in French, Gaelic and very little English.  But the hint of treasure is mentioned, so Grey tells Jamie that if he helps him he will strike off the chains.  Jamie says yes, but he has some conditions, medicine and blankets for all the prisoners.  When Grey refuses, Jamie says to put the shackles back on and take him back to his cell.  Grey informs Jamie that he does not have THAT much power and would help if he could.  Jamie says, fine, but blankets and medicine for one man then, his kinsman, Murtagh Fitzgibbons and Grey agrees.

The meeting with Duncan is short.  He rambles on and changes direction, but when he mentions a white witch, Jamie is stunned and wonders if it is possible.  The treasure is cursed , the white witch protects it and she is coming for him (Jamie).  He dies in a short time.  Somewhere in that conversation, Jamie must have received a hint of where this might be.  Grey demands to know what the man said.  Jamie gives him the basics, but leaves out the white witch story, the mention of Dougal, Colum and his mother Ellen and the brief mention of perhaps his father Brian.  Later, in the Governor's room again, Jamie says that some of the men wonder if they could hunt for their own food.  Grey is astonished at that idea, to give them weapons and let them run amok on the moor.  Jamie says, no, to be allowed to set snares when they go out to collect peat for the fires.  This is allowable, and when they go out to check on snares that have been set, A couple men help Jamie escape, by hiding him.

TO EARN RESPECT:  Grey is NOT happy that Fraser has left the building so to speak.  However, some men say that he was seen swimming to the island.  God, there is so much left out of here.  Hopefully, we see more in flashbacks or something! 

Grey excuses himself to take a piss in some ruins when he is suddenly grabbed and disarmed and held by his own sword by Jamie.  “That’s how it’s done, William Grey, second son of Viscount Melton,” Jamie snarls at Grey.  This is when Lord John William Grey realizes that this man actually does remember who he is.  Jamie makes him relive that thwarted attempt to save a lady's life so many years ago.   “They were the actions of a foolish boy, and I regret them to this very day.” Grey tells Jamie.  Jamie lets go and asks Grey if he remembers his promise.  The one that if he ever saw Fraser again, he would kill him.  Jamie lets go of him and hands him his sword back and gets on his knees.  "Well, sir, here I am." he tells him and is basically begging Grey to kill him.  Grey puts his sword at Jamie's throat, but stops and tells him that he is not in the business of killing unarmed men. The look of anguish on Jamie's face says it all.  It is just impossible to die in this story if you are Jamie Fraser! Though it hurt to not get that wish, it also earned Grey some respect with Fraser who confides a little later that he didn't find much, just a box with a single sapphire (yeah....we will see if that is true in a few episodes) and hands it to Grey.  He also admits that when Duncan Kerr mentioned the white witch he thought perhaps it was his wife returned.  Grey turns to Jamie and says "You said she was dead."  Jamie replies "No, I said she was GONE."

At another time, both men are being quite cordial with one another and have dinner and drinks and play some chess.  Jamie is amazed at John's skills at the game.  John talks about a "particular friend" he lost at Culloden and his brother took him away because how he reacted was not proper.  *** For the record people....that friend's name is HECTOR....NOT Black Jack Randall!  Jamie admits that the English lady that John tried to "save" was actually his wife and that John would not talk to save his own life but he did to save a lady's was worthy of respect in Fraser's book. 

Jamie finally smiles some and says her name. "Claire.  Her name was Claire."  John our of sympathy, but also the fact that he is gay, reaches out and touches Jamie's hand.  Jamie's smile totally disappears and the evil eye returns.  ”Get your hand off me, or I will kill you,” Jamie says slowly, deliberately and quite furious.  He gets up and leaves and John sheds a tear.  It will be some time before he knows the story behind why.

A NEW LIFE:  Time passes (yet again) and the prison is closing. 

The men of Ardsmuir, including Murtagh are to be shipped off to America.  Jamie is confused as Lord John has him tied with a rope and led behind him.  Days pass and they finally stop.  Grey explains to Jamie that because he is a high profile traitor of the crown, that it is at the King's discretion whether to allow him to go to America, etc.  and it is NOT in the King's discretion.  So, Grey apparently pulled some strings.  “I couldn’t give you freedom, Fraser. This is the next best I could manage,” Grey says and explains that Jamie is to be indentured as a servant for the Dunsany family at the Helwater estate.  Jamie is confused at first and states that it is because he didn't let John have his way with him.  Grey can't apologize fast enough and says how foolish he was and regrets that action very much. 

Before leaving (wait...what?  He personally delivered Jamie to the family in the books!)  it is suggested to Jamie that he not use his real name as this family lost loved ones in the uprising and he says to Jamie  “You gave me my life several years ago. Now I give you yours.  I hope you use it well.” and bids Jamie farewell.  Jamie looks down at the huge estate and must be wondering what it holds for his future.  Oh, my poor man....you have no idea.  

The only problem I have with this episode (and I am afraid that there are going to be more like this) is that they just speed through stuff.  I mean, you miss some things between characters that deepen the meaning of the ending.  The actors did phenomenal job though with the emotional aspects and I am very grateful and in awe of that.  All I have to say for this and probably the rest of the season...."please fasten your seatbelts" especially if you have read the books and if you have not read the books.....PLEASE DO!  The show is awesome, but it is only the tip of the iceberg.  You will see and gain so much more.

So, any thoughts, concerns, comments, etc on this episode?  And may I add that this was the MOST WATCHED EPISODE ever for Outlander!  Congrats to them...now wait for the print shop one!  *grin*

[fmdxjerome]

You’ve Changed. || Solo Para

When: Somewhere in 2017

With who: Khaled Yilmaz & Freddy Albert (Best Friends).

The familiar sound of skype booting up filled the spacious room of the singers apartment. It was late, around 2am, but it was fine. Late nights were normal for the male. Either he couldn’t sleep, was writing random lyrics, be on his phone texting with someone or like now - getting ready to talk to friends. 

It was time, too. He hadn’t spoken to his friends in ages. Last time he got the news they were leaving their old apartment to live separated, seeing as things became serious between Khaled and his girl. How they shed tears that night, even though Jerome stayed in that apartment for little over two years, it had memories.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he smiled at the two figures appearing on his screen.

“It’s two past midnight in Korea and I have to be at a talk show in a few hours, be grateful.”

“I got school homework to grade, you be grateful.” Freddy said in his defense. moving his webcam to show a stack of papers.

Khaled just smiled proudly as he spoke. “I got a beautiful girl waiting for me so I got you all beat.” They both agreed to this, not really being able to fight his reasons.

They talked for awhile. About various topics. But when the topic landed on “Yuddy” so to speak, things became interesting.

Swiping through pictures on his phone, he showed the prettiest girls Korea had to offer - with riveting commentary, he might add. “Fucked her. Fucked her. Almost fucked her.” His tongue slid over his lips as his eyes glinted at the face that blessed his phone screen. “Oh, fucking her.” He spoke as he showed the picture, a pleased smirk on his face.

“You’re fucking Wren?” Khaled exclaimed, a bit too loudly, leaving Freddy stunned at his level of shock. It almost made the singer chuckle. “You know her name? I didn’t think of you as a WISH fan.”

“No fuck you, you know I don’t play with that gay shit.”

“Khaled.” 

“Shut up Freddy, you know what I mean.” He spoke. “No, but Selima’s sister is like a rabbit kpop fan and I’ve seen her room. WISH everywhere. She’d actually foam at the mouth if she’d knew her sisters fiancee is friends with the guy dating her favourite.”

Jerome felt the grin play on his lips. “Who said anything about dating her though?” He could see the confusion forming on both of his friends faces, understandably so. They’ve known him since he was just a teen, nervously talking to girls that didn’t deserve him just to be rejected anyways. And even when he was finally getting girlfriends at ages sixteen and seventeen - he was nothing but faithful. Always faithful, walking after them like a lost puppy hungry for love. Flustered at even the thought of being intimate with someone who he wasn’t dating.“You aren’t dating her?” He heard Freddy ask through stuttering audio, sounding concerned? He couldn’t quite make out the tone in his voice but something was there. The singer just took a swig of his drink “No? She just comes to my apartment sometimes, begging, let me tell you. And I just comply.”

“I’d rather call her a play thing.” 

Khaled had always been the extra one in the friendship. Always overreacting, even now six years into adolescence he almost fell from his couch. In contrast to Freddy, who just stopped eating his rice dish and stare. “Did Jerome Gauthier just use play thing to describe a woman? The guy who literally talked shit to me for hours when I suggested fucking the dönor kebab girl? The guy who was glued against that bitch of an ex of his sickly kissing her because oh no seven days without her how can I live?” He saw the Turk point at his drink through the screen. “You gotta stop drinking that soju shit, turns you into a fuckboy.” 

The mention of his ex made him take a quick gulp of his drink. It’s been years but the memories still hurt. Why was he still affected by her? Maybe because he hasn’t allowed himself to move on. Fall in love again. Care again. Freddy noticed. He always did. But he kept his mouth shut to hear what Jerome had to say.

“Shut the fuck up.” His tone sounded irritated yet masked with a playful tone. “Who has time to be monogamous when girls just come to you? Who wants to be monogamous then?”

“Fuckboy!” Khaled exclaimed, looking away from the screen to call to his fiancee. “Selima! Jerome is a fuck boy now, imagine that.” 

He had to listen closely to hear Selima speak her words. “Shocker. I have to stop my sister from drooling over him because-” Her voice went from far away to close by before the familiar beauty graced the screen from behind her man, directly glaring at Jerome. “You are a bad influence. I’ve seen your instagram mister Raki Papi are you fucking serious?”

“He’s fucking Wren.”

“He’s fu- He’s fucking Wren? WISH’S Wren?” She spoke in disbelieve, glancing at Khaled for a moment before returning her gaze on him. “She’s my sisters favourite you asshole. If you ever let this leak out to the public I will come to Korea and ruin your career. I don’t need my sister wanting a boy like you.” 

Freddy just kept quiet through all this back and forth, not really interested in who he was fucking - just interested in why Jerome turned into this.

“I’m offended. I’m good to my women. If Esra wasn’t seventeen and she’d ever attended one of my shows, I’d treat her right.” The Korean spoke, pretending to think about it.

“You’re disgusting.”

“I’m joking! Jesus. Not even married yet and humour already left your life.” He rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, fuck you.” She furrowed her brow before curling her arms around her fiancee’s shoulders. “Sign off Khaled, it’s been almost two hours. We need to do the dishes.” The male sighed heavily, wanting to hear more about Jerome’s scandalous life style but defying Selima isn’t worth it. “Fine. later Fred.” With a quick flash of a smile, he turned to Jerome.  “Later fuckboy!” 

“Later pussy whipped.”

Sipping his drink absentmindedly, he listened to Khaled’s last second rant getting cut off by Selima signing him out - eventually leaving him alone with his closest friend. He looked up to the male who seemed to be in thought. A sigh left his lips, breaking the silence with a tone of voice only described as tired. “Here we go, what kind of psychological analysis do you give my shocking behaviour? Mommy issues? Not being loved enough as a kid? Taking out my stress through sex? Whats the verdict?”

“You’re upset about your ex coming back into your life so instead of moving on you became a dick.” Freddy spoke matter-of-factly, taking a bite of his food. Jerome just raised both his eyebrows, not responding to the ex comment. “A dick?”

“A dick yes. Seriously Jerome. Do they know you’re just using them?”

“They enjoy it.”

“Not an answer.”

Jerome sat up a bit straighter, one of his eyebrows still raised. “Why are you so interested in my sex life anyway? You aren’t Khaled.” He asked.

“Who you are fucking is none of my business. Rather not have the mental image, my man. But you as a person is. Jerome, I’ve known you since you were this fourteen year old Asian boy who chased after the pretty white girls in class. Remember Emy? She was fucking hot and you got crazy rejected by her.” 

“No need to remind me.”

“You cried.” Freddy said smugly.

“Your point?”

The elder just kept quiet for a bit before he answered. “I know you. I’ve known you for ten years. This is not you. You’re a sweet guy who gets really grossly in love sometimes. Not the embodiment of a wack G-Eazy song.”

“First of all. G-Eazy? Gross. Second of all. People change. I changed.”

“Sure you did.”

“I’m twenty four Freddy. Not the fifteen year old crying about Emy. Not the seventeen year old who rejected the girls asking for one night stands at the bar we sang at. Not the nineteen year old who kissed the ass of a girl who ended up breaking my heart anyway.” Jerome finished his drink in annoyance. “I’m twenty four and lust just seems better than love right now. Is that so weird?”

There was silence between them both, the singer seemingly uncomfortable as the rapper just played with the remaining rice kernels on his plate. It wasn’t until a sigh left the elders lips that he silence was broken. “You know whats weird?” Freddy began. “I always thought that your stage persona was just that. A stage persona. But it seems Yuddy has seeped into my friend a little bit. Is it the air there? The alcohol? The attention? Marie? Ah, whatever it is, call me again when Jerome wants to talk, okay?” Jerome blinked, two times, as his friend spoke one last time before signing off. “About feelings. In here.” He tapped his chest. “See you later man.”

Call ended at 3.57am

He sat there till his laptop screen stopped illuminating his visage, the harsh blue tinted light now replaced by the warmth of his nearby lamps. Falling into thoughts had always been a negative for Jerome, getting lost in his head was never good. Yet here he was, Thinking.

Thinking about people. And thinking about himself. But just when his mind started to question itself, his phone buzzed. 

Freddy  → ✉: I did like that ‘uninvited guest’ song of your new ep. It reminded me of this kid I met in history class.

Freddy  → ✉: Wonder who’s it about.

Freddy  → ✉: *what’s it about.

That wasn’t a typo. And Jerome would be lying if he wasn’t nervous about it. His Adams apple bopped up and down as he swallowed audibly, fingers tapping away the text only to scroll down to open another one.

He had typed out a message but never send it. Instead he turned the lights off in his apartment, closed his laptop and returned to his bed - leaving his mind to wonder. Wonder about a certain person. A certain friend. A certain feeling.

His phone forgotten.

Jerome  ��  Yoorin [send?]: Wanna fuck? I think I need your body right now.

[msmelodymonroe]

BLOG: The Unexpected Ways Getting a Dog Changed My Life 🐾

BACKSTORY

It was spring of 2018. I had just released my debut EP and life was finally slowing down after 6 months of a grueling schedule. I found myself accomplished, but still missing something. I sat in my studio apartment on a Sunday morning, in a solemn mood, thinking of how to seize the day. I decided to walk to Piedmont park and pray while walking. Looking for guidance, I felt I heard an inner voice tell me to get a dog.

I had been wanting a dog for a while, but didn’t feel that I was ready. I always said it was too much like having a child and too much responsibility. Let alone, my landlord wasn’t keen on having animals in his property. But that’s what I felt I heard. 

When I got back from my walk, I took to Twitter for casual entertainment. Within the first 3 minutes, I started seeing posts of people with their dogs. I looked to the left to discover that #NationalRescueDogDay was trending. “Wow”, I thought and took it as a sure sign.

I started looking up local pet shelters and found that the Fulton County Animal Shelter has a Weekend Warriors program where you can get a dog for a weekend to allow them a break from the shelter life. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to see if I was really ready for a dog. I asked my landlord about the possibility of pet sitting and he agreed as long as it wasn’t a long term thing.

I finally went for a visit and got to meet a Jack Russel Terrier named Connor. One of the staff told me he was a bit sick and I could tell by his lack of energy. Still, I loved the colors on his face. I inquired about the Weekend Warriors program and found out that I would have to sign up for a future weekend. 

A few days later, my car went out of commission and I wasn’t able to return to the pet shelter for another 2 weeks. When I finally returned, I immediately went looking for Connor. He was the perfect size and I was looking for an adult, male dog that didn’t shed. I searched all throughout the shelter and didn’t see him. Finally, I asked one of the staff about him and they informed me that he had been adopted. 

I was a little bummed that I missed my chance, but was glad he found a forever home. I perused through the shelter again to find my second best option. All of the dogs looked so sweet. There were a lot of pit bulls. As I finished my walk around, I came across a petite brown dog. She looked me square in the eye as I walked past her crate. She was so cute, but easy to miss. I decided to give her a try. The staff took her out into the play area so that we could get acquainted. She was full of energy and life. She played with me and some of the toys they had placed outside. One of the staff members joined me to show me how the dog likes to jump on people’s laps. They named her Mimi.  Unfortunately, she hadn’t had her shots or been spayed and neutered so she could not go with me just yet. I decided to come back the next day after her surgery to pick her up for the weekend with the understanding that I would have to be responsible for administering her medicine (insert nervous face emoji).

The next day, I went to go pick up Mimi. She had lower energy than the day before just as expected. I had never had a dog in my adult life, let alone a sick one. I wasn’t sure how things were going to pan out, but it was only for a weekend and the staff gave me their information in case I needed to contact them. They said the time away from the shelter could be good for her recovery. She immediately sat down in the car. When we got home, she immediately hopped on the couch to lie on my lap. I couldn’t resist. It was the sweetest moment. I could tell she was very appreciative of the quiet and serenity my tiny apartment offered. We spent the next few days relaxing mostly. Her energy picked up by the days. As I took her for her walks, the neighbors were immediately drawn to the unique features on her face which made it even easier to tell them that she was available for adoption.

By the time Monday rolled around, I knew I wasn’t ready to give Mimi back so I called the shelter and asked if I could keep her until the following weekend. One week turned into three. Between that time, she got very ill with an upper respiratory infection (contracted from the shelter) and I had to take her to the ER to get treated. Because I was still fostering at the time, the shelter took her back in their care after she was released. I immediately went to get her again as soon as I could. After that incident, it was clear to me that I wanted her around, but I had to consider all of the factors: my tolerance for keeping an animal long term, financial responsibilities, and my landlord’s pet policy. I thought it over and drew up the numbers. I wanted to do this. The biggest obstacle then became my landlord. He already said a long term situation was out of the question. I had grown attached to Mimi and trying to keep her out of sight was getting pretty difficult lol. After rehearsing my pitch several times, I finally decided to ask again if he would be open to me having a pet full time. This time he said yes. I was overjoyed!!!

I went back to the shelter and officially adopted Mimi on June 29th. On my way home, I picked up a celebratory cookie bone and we shared a special moment together. I could say that’s the end of a beautiful story, but honestly, that is where the story begins. I’ll spare you every detail of all of my moments with Mimi (including the millions of photos I have of her) and share how since that time, she has unexpectedly changed my life: 1. Taught me patience and forgiveness Within the first month of adopting Mimi, she had thrown up all over my car (which took me 2 hours to clean by hand), urinated a countless number of times on the floor (yay for finally nailing down house training!), eaten a piece of cheesecake (which required an expensive Vet visit), and skillfully chewed random things in my house. 

2. Made me less materialistic Before I got her a crate, the house was up for grabs and boy did she grab. Including my $50 pair of ear phones and of course, my house shoes or any shoe she could get her paws on. It’s been a reminder to hold on loosely to material possessions. 3. Given me community This was the most unexpected benefit. I have met so many of my neighbors just by walking Mimi and have even set up play dates for her with their dogs. I’ve gone to dog-centered events and discovered new businesses. Our frequent visits to the dog park give me the social time I need for myself and I’ve discovered how much of my family members are dog-lovers from the special moments she’s created.

4. Helped me to learn the value of consistency Mimi eats at the same time every day. She falls asleep at nearly the same time every day. We go on walks almost at the same time every day. She clings to consistency. I consider consistency to be one of the weaker areas of my life. It’s shown me that I can actually be consistent when I have enough of a reason (read: passion) and accountability. 5. Shown me what type of parent I’ll be As long as I’ve considered the possibility of having children, I’ve also been concerned about the type of parent I will be. How will I think of a baby name? Will I be too lenient? Too strict? Will I pass on any undercover traumas? Because Mimi’s life and well-being are solely my responsibility, it’s as close as I can get to having a child without actually having one. She has helped me to enforce healthy boundaries. She’s helped me to learn how to guide in love. She’s also brought out a new level of selflessness (just ask PetSmart).   6. Is a constant source of happiness I literally have so much contentment just being at home, petting or playing with Mimi. When I come home, she never fails to greet me in the most excited way. When I’ve had really rough days, she’s comforted me and even wiped my tears. She is always giving me a chuckle from the silly things she does and she starts every day with a smile which causes me to do the same. 

When I have to discipline her or have accidentally stepped on her tail, she has never held it against me. Even when I accidentally made her sit in a pile of ants while trying to get a photo, she loved me just the same. She is truly an unconditional loving gift...that has changed my life.

Looking for YOUR Mimi? Try the Lifeline Animal Project. Already got a Mimi? Click here to get $20 off pet services from Rover! And post a picture below of your furry companion!