#i did a bit of art today and got real focused on it and didnt have time to work out or do work or anything else i couldve been doing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

comicteaparty · 4 years ago

Text

June 20th-June 26th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 20th, 2020 to June 26th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

What is something you’re just not very good at right now writing and/or drawing in general?

Deo101 [Millennium]

mysteries. 100% I can not write mysteries!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ears

Deo101 [Millennium]

the connection between legs and torso. No not hips, I can draw hips fine, but like the movement aspect of it

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Action scenes. Orchestrating fights or big motions on the page... it doesn’t come naturally to me! I have to look at a lot of reference to see how other artists do it. Impact shapes, speed lines, anything to convey movement...

But I am slowly building a vocabulary of... fight shapes? I’m calling them fight shapes, haha

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I feel that

Your feeling I feel deeply

"visual library" is a term that comes to mind

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Composition. I just talked about this earlier today, but.... yup. Composition is my bane.

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

I'd like to get better at writing in general. I have a lot of trouble verbalizing things I see in my head, and so I gotta rely on images and thumbnails to get any idea across, sometimes. otherwise im a windbag and use 5000 words to say 0-1 things, lmao

carcarchu

I have trouble writing simply. I always want to embellish, add extra details, more characters and make everything more complicated and i worry it ends up making things unnecessarily convoluted

Drawing-wise i hate drawing hands

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

The legit thing I am worse at writing is fucking

Deo101 [Millennium]

omg

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

essays to convince people to hire me

Deo101 [Millennium]

OH OKAY

WAY TO CUT IT OFF

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

YEAH

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

carcarchu

let her finish deo

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

comedic timing at its finest

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

omg

I was very confused for a sec(edited)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

but seriously like speaking of filling gaps this is what I'm legit struggling most with right now so any help much appreciated

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

raises hand

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I need to write a personal statement and every time I sit down to edit I want to die

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I volunteer as tribute

writing is basically the only thing I'm really good at

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

It's not the writing I hate

It's the writing about me

carcarchu

is that the thing where you have to write in 3rd person? like those blurb things on people's websites?(edited)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

It just feel so gross whoring out my deeply held passions and struggles for a spot in med school

No I'm talking about college essays lmao sorry for derailing

The blurb things are an interesting topic though!

Have you guys writtent those before and does anyone actually like writing them?

carcarchu

i had to write a blurb about myself for my university's website and yeah it was uncomfy

lemme see if i can find it

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I HATE writing those

because I just start like, "Crona J. is an artist and writer from Chicago......." And I have no idea how to continue

Deo101 [Millennium]

god yeah even just writing a profile or about me is hard enough!!!

I'm always like "deo - 22 - she/her - illustrator - webcomic author - student" and then i leave it

thats it thats all you get

depending on the platform i MIGHT put bi - disabled and thats it!!!!

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yeah

half of the stuff I write doesn't even feel relevant to the audience either

who cares that I have been drawing since I was 12 lol?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Mate I don't even write those. My bio is like "UCSD" "Read my comic"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

hahaha

Deo101 [Millennium]

I also always feel like when I see "ive been drawing since I was 5!" I kinda think like... well everyone has been -_- like this doesnt tell me anything, how long have you been an aspiring pro, how long have you been studying art...? that tells me more

so I never put that kind of stuff in my biod either

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yeah, and also, I didn't go to prestigious school, so I don't even include my college

and I only have one comic project so far, just under a chapter

so what do I write?

Not that important an issue, but irksome nonetheless

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I don't include my school because it's prestigious, I include it because it's not an art college

Deo101 [Millennium]

owch

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I want fellow stem-y yet artsy people from my school to recognize me as one of them(edited)

DEO stop interupptung me at the worst points!!

Deo101 [Millennium]

i love jumping to conclusions. so no.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

If it's a bio where I can talk about the comics, I try to spotlight a few tropes/genres that'll catch the eye of potential readers. Not a full-fledged summary, just a quick hit of If You Like These Words, You'll Probably Like Reading It. ("Fantasy, comedy, shapeshifters, PTSD, time travel, cats")

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

And if it's gonna be personal, same deal with bits of personal info -- not trying to be a Comprehensive Biography, just pulling a few details that are relatable connection points

The problem with "I've always wanted to be a writer/artist/cartoonist" isn't just how generic it is, the problem is also the vibe of "here's my thing, your role in this is to support me"

Whereas if you say something like "I like drawing cute girls and writing fantasy," the response can be "oh hey, I like seeing cute girls and reading fantasy, tell me more!"

Or if you go with "Sailor Moon fan, will put extra cheese on everything," people can go "cool, that's relatable, we can like Sailor Moon and cheese together." It gets at your shared investment in a fun thing, it's not about expecting them to be personally invested in you

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I think perhaps the most fundamental thing is "you can't please everyone." I've never liked the 'random food related weird tidbit tacked on' thing because it feels too try-hardish to me, but I understand for other people, it's not a matter of trying too hard and is genuinely how they just talk.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Oh definitely, you hold out for a bio that connects with everyone and you'll never get it done

AntiBunny

Personally I'm not great at drawing cars. It's why all my cars early on in the comic were side view only, and old blocky looking things. It was all I could do. I've been getting better by using references.

Every so often I buy a little hotweels or matchbox car when I'm buying groceries. I aim for realistic ones based on real vehicles, especially utility vehicles like ice cream trucks, ambulances, fire trucks, and whatnot you'd see every day in a city. I keep a little box of them on my desk, so if the scene calls for a car to be visible, I have a reference that can help me get all the curves and angles right.

Sure beats drawing from memory, but also practice time in the sketchbook with them is a necessity.

Now crowd scenes are beginning to be my bane. Not because they're hard to draw, just because they're time consuming.

Suddenly I realize why old episodes of Sailor Moon has cities with people free sidewalks and empty streets.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

That's a great idea, gathering the model cars! I should do that for a future comic.

kayotics

I also struggle with cars so, uh, my comic takes place in fantasy 1700-1800s

But also horses are bad too

Cars and horses! They suck

Deo101 [Millennium]

do what I did and make up an easier animal to draw than a horse ;)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Vehicles in general. Should just put everyone on roller blades and be done with it

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'd lov that tbh

kayotics

I’ve considered making something other than horses......

Deo101 [Millennium]

I highly encourage it, the people love it and also so does my brain

kayotics

Or else lean into them being ugly

Deo101 [Millennium]

heres the trick about horses though they look really weird and as small as you make their legs, when you think "this is way too thin..." youre wrong and their ankles are probably smaller than that

kayotics

The thing that gets me is their faces

Deo101 [Millennium]

... mask

kayotics

Hahaha

I should just make deer the normal mode of transport

Deo101 [Millennium]

that would be really cute tbh

kayotics

I love deer and they’re cute

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Just exaggerate them to the point where it looks like a style choice

Your people already have unrealistic proportions

Why not the horses too

kayotics

That’s how I draw buildings tbh because I hate buildings

Deo101 [Millennium]

I also gave horses dog mouths, maybe do something like that? someone can be like "horses dont look like that?" and as long as youre consistent you can say "they do in this world!!!"

kayotics

Oh god no that’s like a devil creature

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah they look horrible but its fun

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I legit remember saying that to you deo lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

ive had dog horse for years you didnt give me this

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Not the they look horrible part

kayotics

I’ve already got beasts, I don’t need horses to look WORSE than they did

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Bwah I remember

Time to archive dig(edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

I love dog horse

kayotics

Honestly it’s good but they scare me

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah... maybe instead give them cat mouths

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

https://discordapp.com/channels/472908933045026827/634081658018070549/688589449562423422

wait omg this is the message that led to your first dm to me lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

is it??? omg i think it is... historical moment

dog horse brings us together

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Another point to convince kay to draw uncanny animals!

Deo101 [Millennium]

what I do to make birds fun to draw is making them sparkly

maybe try that

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

god you're gonna ruin kay's carefully crafted aesthetic

is this your competitiveness showing its face again(edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

they can make it work! why do you doubt their abilities

make this the main mode of transport

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ah is that how it works in that case i have 10 shitty indie game ideas

make them pls

Deo101 [Millennium]

implying my ideas are shitty??? rude!

kayotics

I have an aesthetic?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Or if you want to be very efficient, everyone in universe can teleport

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lmao you have an excellent aesthetic

crona

i do that already

kayotics

Crona.... that’s my comic already!! Haha

Deo101 [Millennium]

kay does also have teleporting to be clear

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

don't underestimate my laziness!

Deo101 [Millennium]

LMAO

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

See

It must be great advice

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

oh crap you're right kay also does have teleporting

and unrealistic beasts, to be fair

kayotics

Sometimes on the same page

That’s the eyes I draw on the beasts

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Or be even lazier, and make it so that horses and beasts either don't exist or haven't been domesticated in that region. Everyone walks. Their feet hurt, but their calves are glorious.

Deo101 [Millennium]

you get it

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

wait crona and deo also have comics where teleportation could exist

will you join us?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol, yup

Deo101 [Millennium]

nope

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

(nah, I've already drawn horses. They're not so bad if you stare at photos)

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

drawing horses is fun!!

[multiple people are typing]

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

And there will also be hella walking, because the leg game must be strong, otherwise I'm not doing my job

Deo101 [Millennium]

ive decided that millennium is like really in the future but things like time travel, teleportation, warp speed... nope! You can go really fast in a spaceship but like nothin crazy

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

man these planets real close together then

or maybe people just live a really long time ...?

Deo101 [Millennium]

I just do my version of teleporting which is "wow it'll take a week to get there" and then its a week later

dont worry about it

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

nice

Deo101 [Millennium]

its not realistic, but its consistent

🌈ERROR404 🌈

ahhhh horses are really nice to draw imo, if i can get it right lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

I like drawing horses a lot I just never do it tbh

🌈ERROR404 🌈

something needs to fuel my addiction to cowboy culture

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Consistency is key tbh

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I just do my version of teleporting which is "wow it'll take a week to get there" and then its a week later

when my whole comic takes place in like a week lmao

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

if you decide that gravity doesn't exist in your world, as log as you're consistent with it, you're golden

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

in the unlikely event i get tired of drawing my comic i can adopt deo's strat "wow it'll take a week to get to the ending"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

My comic takes place in about a year (not counting flashbacks which span... uh... a very long time)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

"man sure seems like this conflict will take approximately a week to be resolved" "one week later"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

hahaha

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

"sure did get resolved"

the end

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

convenient

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i wonder if anyone's done that

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

One Korean series I followed for years did it

and everyone was pissed, as you can imagine

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

better than cancellation?

Deo101 [Millennium]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

what a way to go

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'd honestly have preferred cancellation/ abandonment

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Just have a fan finish it for you at that rate lmao

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

OH that's a good discussion topic. If you got tired of your comic, or life got in the the way of you working on it anymore, how would you end it as quickly as possible?

Deo101 [Millennium]

maybe rephrase that a little

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I would toss it at my little sis, and she would do it for me, no joke

Deo101 [Millennium]

My little sister also would probably take over it for me

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

let's move to general?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

eyyy!

Deo101 [Millennium]

but also I could just be like "They got an email that john died of old age its over now"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

MVP sisters!

lol

an email

what a way to end it

eliushi [Keyspace]

For me it’s panels. Past me thought that the four panel structure would make things easy. Nope. It’s limiting how I want to tell the story so... I’m trying to branch out now and looking for other inspirations for panel and layout

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Just change the shape of your panels. It forces you to be creative.

eliushi [Keyspace]

True true! I have those in upcoming updates

But my heart swoons for the page spreads

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

oh yes

They are so gorgeous, but difficult to plan

eliushi [Keyspace]

Initially I was planning on storyboards but now I’m more comfortable with comics I think I’ll be aiming for traditional layouts

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, storyboards are an entirely different beast

Desnik

I'm currently working on clearly portraying character motivation

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I think for me I don't draw animals often and rip have to draw a few for the upcoming pages so I'm just doing my best at this point lol

AntiBunny

Panel arrangement is the heart of comics as an art form. It takes practice, and study to learn how the eye flows from one thing to the next.

And once you have a thorough understanding of the rules you can learn how to carefully break them to produce something truly eye catching.

If I had to say the simplest rule to understanding flow is, if you need arrows to tell you which direction to read, then you're doing something wrong.

DanitheCarutor

This is candy for my self-deprecating mentality. Lol Honestly though. I'm not the best at writing in general, I don't like doing it physically, avoiding it at all cost (outside of dialogue and poorly done bullet points on scrap paper.) so I don't really know if/think I'm particularly good at it. I remember the last time I tried to physically write something was back in high school, I still have it saved on my computer, but it was something else. Too many dialogue scenes and overly detailed descriptions of things and characters. I only made it a little ways before giving up with "You know, this will be easier to just show than describe.". Story and character wise for my current comic, I'm not sure how well it's turning out or how good it will be in the end, my brain defaults my work to mediocre so I tend to be totally blind to what I'm doing right. I know my characters aren't the best for sure since they're all fleshy flaw bags with too many flaws, and I know I could have presented certain scene changes and such better, but that's all I can think of objectively. The art portion is something I at least know I can execute decently, but my color composition is the worst. I'm aware that I need to improve it, and I know what needs to be done, but it's something I can't really accomplish with my comic since I just want to focus on finishing pages. I'll have to make time to draw up some throw-away illustrations to experiment with, which I hope to have a little bit of now that I'm not on a regular update schedule. Also I can't draw vehicles and architecture for the life of me, I've referenced and studied but I still can't wrap my head around it. ALSO extreme angles and perspectives are still things I need work on, like 4-point circular perspective, ground level shots and over the head shots.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

There's a lot of things I want to improve, but something I haven't seen mentioned yet: I would like to get better at deciphering feedback, how to glean useful things from multiple conflicting feedback.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Ooh that's a good one keii

I haven't really had to deal with that before though because all the negative feedback I've gotten is pretty consistent

Can I ask what the conflicting feedback you got is?

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Oh gosh, I legit spent a long, long moment trying to figure out where to even start

eliushi [Keyspace]

I really like this approach to feedback

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yo Eli this is so good

eliushi [Keyspace]

Mary robinette is goals

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

this is spectacular already

wow

eliushi [Keyspace]

Pretty sure a wiser writer passed this onto me I have since used it a lot and it works for me

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

This is so so good Perfectly said about crits in creative fields

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

One example I can think of isn't actually something that was criticized, but showed up a lot in various ways: "this is (supposed to be) an exciting adventure romp centering Danbi" vs "this is an emotional journey story centering Ethan" ... Not a criticism, but two very conflicting interpretations. People who have one interpretation are shocked and confused when I tell them about the other one.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Holy crap, Eli... This is one for the folder of absolute knowledge

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

woah, excellent advice

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

And yeah, that is a really good one. Symptoms are extremely useful, and diagnoses tend to be more useful in a conversation rather than a one-way "here is my diagnosis" thing

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I haven't heard it said before but the explaining eliminating a clean reaction rings so true to me

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Ahhh, this is literally the one document I have needed my entire life

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

also the helping someone tell the story they want

also the stream of consiousness, MAn

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I think I'll save that for my future high schoolers lol

some of the stuff said there is what I've noticed in the last few years critquing in academic settings but its nice to kno!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

People have given me stream of consciousness reactions before and they were the most helpful. Almost all the changes in the story from others' reactions were from stream of consciousness reactions, not intentional critiques

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, one of the most helpful "critique" I ever got was also completely unintentional

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

One of the most useful tips in this guide for me in particular is the "As a writer don't:" section. I struggle with it a lot.

On the note of things we are bad at in the comic-making process, I am very bad at taking critiques!(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

tbh for a long time, my biggest struggling point that's not in the "as a writer don't:" is "don't throw yourself into the void of self-hate." I'm better now, but boy, when it was bad, it was bad.

But perhaps that kinda thing better fits into "as a person don't:"

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I am pretty good at taking critiques, but pretty bad at giving critiques! Right now the point I'm at is I'm just gonna not give critiques until I'm more mature

But then after I decided that an amateur writer friend told me his story idea that I not only disliked but was sort of offended by

and I really wanted to tell him but I didn't know how to do it nicely...

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

ooof

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

oh no

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yeah, that's really tough

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

rip I tend to do kinda a sandwich method. I had to say some rough things few days ago on a practice pitch run and I pretty much said

Deo101 [Millennium]

Uh oh

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

"Your idea is developing for sure, but I think you need to reconsider some of the world building choices you done. Have you thought of researching such and such."

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

That's basically what I said

But I think I had to say "research ffs" in increasing intensity like 3 times lol

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Oh, nice, the "let's give them compliments too so that they know I'm not just being mean" method

It's a good method tbh

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Rip it's not that like

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Deo might have something to say about this but it was about schizophrenics in a mental institution being portrayed in a real weird way by someone who didn't know anything about it(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Ooof

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ah man

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

ewww

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'll always stand by "asking people who've lived what you're writing about is the best form of research and can't be replaced"

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Yeah I would said the to the person consider researching more on the topic and interview folks who have schizophrenia

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Dude I brought you up lmao

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

and also like "is there a reason you want to depict it this way?"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

oooh

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I know I'm agreeing idk... Idk what else I'd have to say on the topic

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

That's a very good question to ask someone

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

and depending on their responses, I would just put my two scents in there that rip

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I always ask "what are your goals?" Before I ask anything else

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

critiques are kinda my strong point sinc eLMAO I do em all the time in my class

and teaching so yeah LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Deo I mean I brought you up to this guy like saying "my friend messaged people online and they were super willing to talk to her you could do that"

Deo101 [Millennium]

OHHHHH gotcha

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I try my best to figure out what they want out of it and just deliever with some handful of suggestions

but I won't sugarcoat it unless you're a high school student or younger lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I'm often told I'm a lil too harsh but like idk

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I wouldn't say sugar coating it per say... More just telling them what their strengths are too, so that they have an idea of where they're at

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

telling someone their strengths is just as useful as telling them their flaws

that way they can highlight them

like just because you story has no flaws doesn't mean it's good right?

gotta have stuff that stands out in a good way as well

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Someone once phrased it as "Let's list everything that's wrong here, and find out how we can fix them" vs "How do we take this to the next level?" and that really resonated with me. It's not about sugarcoating; it's more about helping them get to the next level in the direction they wanna go.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

THIS

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I try to point out things that are going well, and I usually try to only point at things that ppl can work on immediately

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I should phrase my statement more clearly. But yeah Kei that's what I usually look for when critiquing

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

There's often no need to tell them "your writing is only at level 3, and that's bad because the max level is 99." Just tell them how to get to level 4.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I dont' see it like its something bad but something that is challenging to them at the time

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Unless they have extremely unrealistic expectations or whatever that are standing in their own way

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

just have to figure out how to get out of the hump

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Yep. I see this phenomenon in animation a lot. A good animation director will help you boost your existing work to something stronger, but still yours. A bad one will tell you to do it their way, and chide you for doing it ‘wrong.’

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

rip I know a person like that and lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yessssss

That's why I always ask "what are your goals" to start

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yup

🌈ERROR404 🌈

I totally agree!!!! A LOT of the most important bits of great criticism is understanding exactly where the original creator was intending to go, and formatting your statements around helping them achieve that!!!!!!!

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Critiques are impossible if you don't know what the person is trying to achieve

🌈ERROR404 🌈

Just stating things that you would change if you were making it may seem useful and relevant to you the critic, but unless the creator is headed the exact same direction as you, they have just as much reason to invalidate the entire statement as they do to nit pick out the things they care to agree with

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Sometimes a prospective critic is simply too far removed from the target audience of the work, like on a fundamental level, and it makes it impossible to give them useful feedback. I think it's important to acknowledge that this can happen. It happens to me a lot and I just decline to give crits when it does.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, like don't ask me to critique a comic about sports lmao

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I agree on that notion, esepcially when seeing professional aritsts giving crits to folks starting out but it doesn't go as er ideal as they thought it would be

Deo101 [Millennium]

That's why I usually only seek out criticsm (for more than just general direction/advice) from people who's work I like

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I remember reading advice on getting beta readers, and it’s really REALLY important that they’re excited for your stuff. They want to make it better. They care. They can give critique, but they absolutely must be jazzed about your subject matter in some way, or else it’ll be a slog for everyone.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

for me, I have my peers who I contact daily and we give each other advice, tips

despite having er difference interests in fields, but we experienced a lot in our program lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yes... (Speaking of if anyone wanted to beta read my next comic uhhhh let me know id love to have u)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

very good point claire

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

100 percent agree Get people who are excited and know your vision

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I have a small group of writer friends who know all my goals and a lot of my stuff? So they make a very good little critique circle, and we all help eachother

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I'm always ready to beta read if it's a concept I enjoy

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like people who critique comics they hate. I'm like, damn, tough work but also ?? why

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

(Be careful about people who are excited about what they think is your vision.............)

Deo101 [Millennium]

Fish is this a callout for me

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

slightly?

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ahsjfkdjdkskdjdjdj

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Keii I experienced the oppisisite like rip

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

it's just mystifying to me, I don't think it's wrong or anything

Deo101 [Millennium]

Also crona I'll send u when I'm at my comp

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

sure

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

What do you mean Tuyetnhi?

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Ohh that would be oof to deal with Kei

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I had to let a person down to reality bc I know they're excited about their idea but uhhhh

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

(Is it the fish romance?)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

it wasn't engaging to me

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yes that one qjdjfkskdkk

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

nor my illustration friends

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I don’t have beta readers but I think that’s how it all goes lol

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

and we were like

"AAAAAAA"

Deo101 [Millennium]

Oh that's awkward

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Ooooooohhhhhhh... oof

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I have a couple friends I send pages to sometimes but they're always really positive about it

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

It was a rough critique

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Having creative friend circles is so essential for growth and screaming at eachothers works for motivation too

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yessss

Also just the ability to talk about your process without having to explain yourself

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

agreed lol

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I occasionally tap my fiance's shoulder and shove my sketches in his face with zero context, just to make sure he can figure out what's going on without me explaining. Super helpful

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I feel like I have a couple friends where, when I read their stuff, I know things that would amp their work up tenfold. But until they ask me... I’m screaming inside lol

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

my friend always makes me feel like i'm a better writer than i am because she thinks so much like me she gets everything i write perfectly lol. But then I post and the comments are like "wtf i'm confused"(edited)

eliushi [Keyspace]

Yeah feedback is most effective when both sides are open and invested

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Claire Senpai Wants To Help

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

also same crona(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It’s not bad, I just go I THINK I CAN HELP YOU MAKE IT AWESOMER AHHHHHH

eliushi [Keyspace]

Claire senpaiiii

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

But until then I remain still and supportive

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

why don't you ask them "can i suggest things?"

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I try and keep my mouth shut

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

or "do you want suggestions?"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol

eliushi [Keyspace]

I usually say what I like about it first and then. Are you looking for feedback?

Deo101 [Millennium]

Tbh hearing "can I suggest things?" Usually comes off kinda like "I see stuff wrong with this :)" which can hurt a little even then

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

YEeeeah

🌈ERROR404 🌈

At least for my comic, i have sent bits and pieces for critique from creators i am friends with , but i'm really hesitant promoting myself because I don't feel like I'm not at a place to even get a critique i'll be able to make anything of. O(--( i really don't know what I'd do if someone tried to seriously analyze my plot and break down the story right now

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

It's really hard, because a lot of people (myself included) get scared when someone else asks, "Do you need help?"

Deo101 [Millennium]

I usually trust ppl to say whether they're looking for feedback

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Its always so tricky to gague the reactions of that. Some people handle that better than others So i only offer when they open up

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Based on how people can get about even the offer of critique, yeah, I tend not to say anything. That’s their baby. If they want to open that door, then I’ll poke my head in

eliushi [Keyspace]

True too. I’m already in forums where feedback is wanted so I’m already in selection bias

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, I like to only offer crits if someone is asking for it for that reason

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

for the record i'm always open to critiques

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

kinda mutal agreement on don't chime in unless asked lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, at least in my groups we send things like "hey this and this are bothering me? Can you help?" And other than that it's just support

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, that's a good idea

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

for both parties. For me, If it's something that I need thoughts I ask but otherwise, lmao my social circles ask me for help for their art stuff

Deo101 [Millennium]

We never agreed on that btw it's just kinda how it goes

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

That's a nice group way to handle that AND make the space more breathable for others who are more nervous about crit work

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

exactly

eliushi [Keyspace]

There’s a time and place for everything and feedback is no different

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah! Like here we have seperate chats for help and sharing

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yuss

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

When someone asks me if I'm open to suggestions, my reaction is usually "nOOoooOo..." but not always. I think it helps a ton if there's an existing rapport, like if I already know this person gets, REALLY gets, my work.

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

And that's okay Keii!

eliushi [Keyspace]

Yeah I’m super thankful for my betas for that

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yee same

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s very rewarding when people are also invested in your work to make it better within your means and style

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Honestly u gotta do whats best for u and ur mindset in the end.

Deo101 [Millennium]

It also is a little but awkward to say "no I'm not open to suggestions' cause it feels like you're saying "I don't care to improve" when in reality it's more like "no... I'm happy with this and I don't want it to be soured"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I love the fact that if I post in #creator_art_share, nobody will critique me unless I ask. And if I post in #art_help, I can get that help. So incredibly nice

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yes! Thats very respectful

eliushi [Keyspace]

So key

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Omg Deo.....such a mood LOL

Deo101 [Millennium]

I always feel so bad saying no thanks but it's like it looked good I thought

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

omg, I felt that in my soul

We beat ourselves up enough as it is

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Sometimes i know my work can be farty but... I dont also want perfection in every facet of my pieces too and thats okay! Some are learning pieces, others more indulgent

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I think I'd be very hesitant to accept ideas that will utterly break my core plot... unless someone comes out and outright tells me something about it is offensive or wrong or otherwise bad. But critique on the connective tissue between the bones, so to speak, heck yes. I've gotten some much better ideas from that.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

e.e even if i post in art share i would be honored to receive a critique from any of you

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Oh, if someone comes to me with suggestions that are that incompatible with my vision, I'm getting outta there.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

but i don't wanna post every single thing i do in art help hm

but maybe i should

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I am SO getting outta there.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I did had some suggestions that didn't... really help with my comic most of it are just comments and not pure criticism

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Just post it lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah it's probably best to leave crit in the crit section so as not to break that unspoken rule.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

To signal to the rest of us

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yea your vision is key, and i find that people who crit the work need a basic understanding of it for it to be a True Crit

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Yeah it's probably best to leave crit in the crit section so as not to break that unspoken rule.

good point

i wouldn't want people critiquing me to make others feel like it's okay to do that to everyone

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

A good attitude!!! Y'all are very respectable this is a wonderful topic

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeee

eliushi [Keyspace]

I think the best feedback is one where it makes your work become more effective within your vision. Sometimes it’s finding the betas who are invested but I also find betas who focus on different crafts also can offer a lot of wisdom. I find it comes down to being open and it’s never a bad thing to ask for clarification

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

[also writes this down for a potential lesson actvity for high schoolers] (edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, a critique is supposed to help the work become a better version of itself, not a better [something else]

Deo101 [Millennium]

Mostly with true beta reading I am looking for "how clear is my work coming off to someone who knows nothing of my lore and backstory etc?"

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I like the idea of having at least one beta reader who's a writer, and at least one who's not. The writer can dissect things a bit more than a 'civilian' could while the civilian can look at surface-level things and react as the audience majority might.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

multiple beta readers are a blessing lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Cause with my friends, they already know everything I'm planning, so i worry a lot that they are putting together things that a regular reader wouldn't

So yeah same thing as a "civilian" reader, sort of!

eliushi [Keyspace]

For sure. Within my critique group I have novelists, webcomic creators and artists. Those who read the complete script and those who haven’t. It’s important to have all sides I find

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Dang you people with your luxury of multiple beta readers... I don't even have one (but it's mostly my fault; my scripts are unreadable)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

omg lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i'm sure you could use many of us as beta readers if you wanted to!

varethane

that surface-level 'first gut reaction' crit can be SO useful

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I change dialogue too frequently for a beta reader to have a fair chance, lol

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I started early with one years ago, but now I have like 5-10ish but they can't help me at the same time lmao

varethane

I agree upthread with when it was said that some of the most helpful crit was given unintentionally lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

same. i asked some people, including deo and crona, for a beta read of a script a while back but then ended up changing most of it lol(edited)

eliushi [Keyspace]

Most of my betas I found in forums like these! I’m sure a lot of us want to help each other out!

Deo101 [Millennium]

I usually only share stuff once I have at least a solid sketch and dialogue is in

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

so much changes in the thumbnail/layout stage for me. SO MUCH. whole scenes get swapped/cut/extended

I never keep it the same way

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't like to share scripts cause also I don't usually script much anyways lol

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

@keii’ii (Heart of Keol) As a long-time reader of HoK, I would be more than happy to beta read if you ever wanted it. Just throwing that out there!

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

same Lazuli like

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I'd love to beta read for anyone too

varethane

I prefer sharing sketched pages because my scripts usually change SO much in between being written and going onto the page

like, sometimes they're outright unrecognizable

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

@Deo101 [Millennium] Same. The couple times I really wasn't unsure about a scene, I had to find someone and give them cleaned up thumbnails

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I don't share more than sketched pages with dialogue

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

SUPER cleaned up thumbnails

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

from thumbnail to final, like they aren't the same from before lmao

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Most helpful critique for me was just someone engaging with the story. "Man I love - and -, they're such good friends, but - pisses me the fuck off" and that was my intention, but i realized it was coming on a bit stronger than i liked and changed the next scene dramatically to make a future plot point where the last character needs to be trusted feel more earned(edited)

varethane

(anyone who seriously is down for beta reading, I have 3 finished chapters burning a hole in my buffer hhnnnnggggg)

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah cause also like, 80% of the crit is usually "well this paneling is unclear" kind of stuff too

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

also i don't mind if anyone is asking me to beta read

Deo101 [Millennium]

Which you can't do from a script anyways

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

or (I don't usually do this often but)

I'm also a sensitivity beta reader too

so if you have questions about POC stuff, asian-american, er mixed-asian or mixed-black experiences

I'm willing to help lmao

but i'm just one perspective to the table

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

A lot of comments, not critiques, have influenced scenes I put later too. Things to clarify, expand, emphasize. I take every comment like that as an idea. I love knowing what the readers hope to learn.

eliushi [Keyspace]

I’m in the midst of a 180k plus word count novel beta and alphaing a couple works but once that’s all done, happy to take a look too

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

holy

Deo101 [Millennium]

Wowie

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Getting trustful beta readers i gotta say again is so important bc sometimes when asking for some, u run into betas that are there to just exploit that privilege too (tho rare) And!!!! Be respectful of ur betas on the other side of the spectrum

Deo101 [Millennium]

Exploit how?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like to read your work early?

eliushi [Keyspace]

Definitely pick your betas wisely

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Usually just the free ride of Knowing the Story or the opportunity to just Constantly Crit (non helpful) bc of personal reasons

Deo101 [Millennium]

Damn

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I'm imagining having someone sneak in as a beta and reveal they're a rabid toxic fan trying to influence the plot to their liking. As an absolute worst scenario

Deo101 [Millennium]

Spooky

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yea.... There's def ppl out there that would do that THOUGH RARE again. I think that's more of like Competition in the field or spite? But ive heard it happening and its not cool

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like people just looking for a free ticket to complain about your work?

i can see that

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Oh yeah, I had folks like that before

after that I'm just like "thank you for your time" and block them after LMAO

Deo101 [Millennium]

That sucks :(

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

hhhhhhh

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yea And u can always tell a sincere crit from a one that comes from a place of malice and ill intent pretty easy.

eliushi [Keyspace]

Exactly

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

oof

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Still!!! A horrible experience

Deo101 [Millennium]

:< yeah

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah.. I've never had anything like that happen, but wow... that's a terrifying notion

eliushi [Keyspace]

You tend to want to know your betas more than just them being a reader too. I like to think my betas are my friends and it’s a two way street where I help them too

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Some betas sign papers of confidentiality to avoid these instances of people running off with ur work too

eliushi [Keyspace]

There are paid betas but that’s business side and yeah Krispy

Deo101 [Millennium]

/stress

eliushi [Keyspace]

I don’t have them for mine

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Its scary bc we're all so small and our work is mainly for free U have to be wary of this

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I could easily see myself getting sucked into a bad situation like that I trust people too easily sometimes

but ugh... ya gotta learn

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s good to know the risks. That being said, I think the rewards of having a good beta far exceed the bad apples. You have to set good boundaries

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Not that any of yall would do this omgjghg

Deo101 [Millennium]

Same Claire ajdjdnsdjjjdjdjdjddj

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

gonna steal all y'alls IDEAS

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s also totally valid to say, hey something came up and I can’t beta anymore

Key is communication

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

lmao ya gotta kill me for my ideas

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Isossn Watch out for that Claire lady

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

https://tenor.com/view/laugh-giggle-mutley-dick-dastardly-snicker-gif-5552702

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Omg Eli yesssSSSSS that!!! Is important for both creator and beta to have that communication

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Oh no, my precious ideas!!!

Deo101 [Millennium]

Eh even if u steal my ideas you can never steal my characterizations!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

just steal everything and make a horrible hodgepodge of all of our webcomics, like some sick frankenstein's monster

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't think my ideas are the best part of my stories anyways :P

Ahsjdjfjdjfjdjfjdififiididkfkdje Frankensteins webcomic

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

my ideas are relevant to my cultural background so I'm like lmao

eliushi [Keyspace]

I learned from my novel days that ideas are dime and dozen and it’s the execution that counts(edited)

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I would actually love that tbh

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Oh no id read it tho XD

Deo101 [Millennium]

Massive crossover event

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

YES

PLEASE

eliushi [Keyspace]

Super smash bros when

varethane

lmao

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

hahaha

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I really want people going into healthcare to critique my personal statement, but I won't send it to anyone because I've legitimately heard of people stealing others' personal statements and getting both people rejected

Deo101 [Millennium]

Wow

eliushi [Keyspace]

That’s scary and unfortunate

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

ooof

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

it's almost worse than stealing a story idea because you're stealing like

someone's life story??

or their personality??

it's extremely strange to me

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah that's ??????

eliushi [Keyspace]

I would consider having a mentor look over your statement but that’s veering off creator babble territory

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

oh i am doing that and very very thankful to them

Deo101 [Millennium]

Good suggestion and good point

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

After recently seeing a whole comic style/theme completely and obviously lifted from another one... yeah, the things that make your comic yours? They can absolutely be stolen whole-cloth

It's scary

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

oh no

god what even is the fun in that??

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I don't know. I really don't.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you know what i want to spend years doing? telling a story that's already been told, except worse!

varethane

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've had someone steal designs before

varethane

dpsofasdj I am so curious about these cases now aaahhh

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ppl do steal stuff. But what sucks for them is I'm the one with a brain and I can make new things

eliushi [Keyspace]

I’ve seen similar styles but have not seen a purposeful recreation of another’s style whether as impersonation or plagiarism

Haruh2 (Colony Life)

i just read a webtoon that was "inspired" by an anime with many ideas from anime too

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It was a case where I always thought the two looked surprisingly similar, but then... yeah, you learn more things and you go AW GOD OKAY

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

this, and offensive stuff, is a case where i think unsolicited critique is 100% okay

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, though then it's the line of "is it offensive just to me? Or overall?"

Though I guess saying "this offended me" isn't horrible or whatever

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i think of the trend of lgbt youtubers making videos making fun of anti-lgbt crap and that's a case where i'm like yeah! pile on!

You have a good point and there are cases where something is almost objectively offensive

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, and then there are other cases where ppl are offended by how I've decided to have no homophobia where it's like "okay sure but I'm not doing anything wrong"

But yeah there are definitely times where it's like "no that's bad for sure and I'm allowed to be critical of and mad about it"

I also think there's a difference between criticizing mass media and criticizing independent media

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Wait What what omg???? Thats???? So backwards

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

well, here's an anti-critique. it offends me when someone says that being lgbt must be hard and sad all the time!

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah! I'd agree with that LOL

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

can I just be happy

as a bi woman

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

"IT'S NOT LIKE MY LIFE THEREFORE IT'S INACCURATE"

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ahdjfjskfkdkckskfksdksk yeah

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

So true tho!!

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

God, I hate that argument

Deo101 [Millennium]

Though I do think that its worth it to open yourself up to that kind of critique to potentially reach the people who do need your story

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yes def agree

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

True true

If there's a blind spot you're missing, then for sure

Deo101 [Millennium]

Well, I was meaning more like "you can't please everyone, but that shouldn't stop you from trying your best anyways!"

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Ah! also true

Deo101 [Millennium]

Like not necessarily blind spots, but more like. Some people will be mad no matter what sorta thing

Yee

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

so tru

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Yeah for sure. I've tried to cover my bases on certain things in my own work, but I'm sure if it ever gets bigger, someone will be unhappy about something.

I'm not ready for that day, but... maybe it'll come

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah. Like I said I had someone get mad at me for not having homophobia

Where it's like... Okay stop reading then cause this isn't the story for you

Actually my friends replied to then and they did kinda turn around on their thinking, I think, so that was nice!

There's something I'm bad at for the question, is replying to my comments

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oh? :0

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

okay sometimes i've said to my friends "yo weird ass comment, right?" and they've gone and defended me like way extra hard

i'm always grateful but also a little (edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah same. .

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

too mch man

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah it's like Thank you but

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I do have some weird comments but the ones that I just kinda trying to offend me

I don't look at it till after a few months and respond to them calmly lmao

no point for me to just get rilied up for someone trying to get on my nerves but rip that's probably just me and how I deal with that stuff in irl too

I don't let my friends go after bozos lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah for me I just like. Try really hard to be diplomatic, I guess? But it takes a lot of energy

When what I WANT to say is "lol read another comic then" or something but I try to think of a way to be nice

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yee I understand on that. for me I'm just say it as it is if at's the moment but for more heated comments I address them after a few months lol

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I haven't gotten any weird randos yet apart from... one legendary one But things are always calmer on your own site far away from Tapas/Webtoons

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I agree on that but lmao

I did had one angry commenter going agro for few of my pages

and I looked at it and I was like "Oh worm man"

they were just reacting to my characters being shit LMAO

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

OH WORM MAN

very good

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I ignore it tbh. I recently had someone comment "All lives matter" at the end of my comic because I included "Black lives matter" at the end. And I honestly knew i didn't have the mental fortitude to explain to them why that was so rude and missing the point.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lol my mom is saying that stuff and i'm just like :|

okay mother

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I guess for writing for me, now thinking about it is that

on the prompt: I don't respond quick and I'm not really active much on interaction but I want to try more

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I haven't gotten any weird randos yet apart from... one legendary one But things are always calmer on your own site far away from Tapas/Webtoons

I really haven't either though! Just a few people saying mildly :| things, no hate or anything. Wt is not always as scary as its reputation

or maybe i'm in the eye of the hurricane idk

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol

I have had mostly good experiences too

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've had mostly good too!

I know I complain a lot but really I'm just salty and that's just a few bad things here and there

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

The comment I was thinking about earlier was just an innaccurate interpretation of characters' feelings. They thought some people had a romantic history. I wasn't going to respond but my friend went all "if you actually read the comic you would see th- " and I was thinking omg tone it down a bit

Deo101 [Millennium]

Bajsjdjekdjdkdjd

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

never underestimate the Friend Army

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I had a reader I didn't know defend me in the comments once. The original commenter was complaining about the length of my updates, and the other reader started railing on them. It was powerful lmao. I didn't even need to say anything

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Oh! same

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've had some ppl defend me or explain for me and it's like. Idk a special kind of magic ahahahah

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Oh for sure! It feels magical to know that some of your readers passionately love your work

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Update-length complainers are so cathartic to smack down. Not that I've done it, I just... like seeing it

You're getting a free comic. Made by a human with a life. Chill

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

All my comments are normal where are my weirdos

boogeymadam

someone take some of my weirdos, my comic attracts them

but not really because i accidentally gave claire one of my weirdos and i feel Sooooo bad

Haruh2 (Colony Life)

i feel im still a long way off from getting anyone with my comic

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

weirdos are contagious apparently

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

You don't have to be popular to get a weirdo

Sometimes like... you could have 1 regular commenter and that person is a weirdo

or not even a commenter, you show your work to a RL friend before posting it online, and the friend takes off their mask dramatically, and reveals their True Identity as a professional weirdo

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

for real, i was posting on SJ and had all of like a dozen followers and one guy went through and heavily critiqued a ton of my pages

Like technical stuff like paneling and flow of action?

Also said my female lead looks like a man and my animation was nauseating lol

Haruh2 (Colony Life)

heh well after i do this current update im working on, i'll be scraping how ive been doing updates and following some tutorials i finally found

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I like critique but even so that guy was :|

boogeymadam

omg noooo sorry that happened fish! D: unsolicited critics are some of the worst

DanitheCarutor

I guess that is the one thing I've been lucky with. I actually don't mind unsolicited critique, but I've never gotten any outside of one time someone corrected my character's grammar in the comments. Commentary like that is way more welcome than the occasional anonymous hate comment, and malicious article calling me a fetishist, which is all entertaining in its own way but not as easy to deal with. Now that critique is brought up I'm reminded that I need to work on how I respond to it. Like, I actually get kind of excited when someone takes the time to break down my stuff (even if it totally misses the mark with what I'm trying to accomplish), but I end up responding with a novel and sometimes it's worded in a way that sounds like I'm upset. I need to get better at keeping it short and sweet.

Feather J. Fern

I raise my hand to say I can't draw hands for the life of me still after praticing for a long time. I used all the techiques, tricks, and still my hands are just butts.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

make a universe where people have butts for hands

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

This is a really minor one and thankfully easy to correct after publishing, but: my ESL-ness shows sometimes, especially with prepositions and articles. My English isn't terrible; there's just some occasional "wait did they mean 'on' where they put 'in'..." That's on the surface level. I also can't do that 'just write the dialog and see how the characters bounce off each other' thing in English. I hadn't thought much about that until I started writing a story in Korean, and I was surprised how much easier it was to get flowin' with the dialog. I'm not toooo concerned about this one, as Get Flowin' is just one way of writing a scene. But it is a thing.

Feather J. Fern

Eightfish stop calling me out that I can draw butts better than hands okay(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

feather have fun drawing the gluteus maximus

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I see nothing wrong here

Moral_Gutpunch

I'm bettign most people here can draw hands better than me.(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

S’okay, my hand drawing is pretty bad

Feet is...also an issue

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

The best reference is the one attached to you, I always say

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

or make your so pose for you

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yes

That

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

looks back at comic and sees lots of guy characters with slender palms MHMMMM

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Hahaha

Lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ahahha i have the same problem

some guys have thick ass fingers when i look at them closely omg

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, everyone has pretty thin fingers in mine, because I have thin fingers(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Okay yeah not gonna lie I HAVE made my SO pose for me. Several times.

Oh yeah don’t forget

Guys can have hairy knuckles too

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I have had my SO pose his hands retroactively for me, imitating a panel I did And I was screaming inside LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

this stuff makes me :00

Deo101 [Millennium]

I have hairy knucles and my hands are bigger than my dads

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Ughhhh, that's too much detail for me, Shadow

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Yoslslzlzrhlzxzzkhzhlztututs funnily enough my SO’s hands and mine are of similar length

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

For such a small person, I have really long fingers

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

reminded me of a convo i had with some friends

they sent a reference and said they thought it was unrealistic because of how much the tendons stick out

and i said, no, that's how mine look

and it was interesting seeing the differences

Deo101 [Millennium]

everyone share hands

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I mean, especially since your fingers are stretched, the tendons stick out lol(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Someone told me I have piano fingers

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like i always think of my hands as the 'default,' because I see them the most but really there is much variation

deo has nice hands

look elegant

shadows hands look a lot like the rest of her :0

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Whhhhhhhhh

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

tall librarian

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

GJOXJPSLZLJZDXKXYOF

Yeah true XD

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

My nails are super long rn

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Holy shit the manicures

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I did it myself

Deo101 [Millennium]

thank U i have lovely hands that are big as fuck, and I can use as a ruler

because my pinky and thumb can stretch out exactly 10 inches

this cup is 10 inches tall

youre welcome

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I have stubby baby hands as well as double jointed fingers, so I'm very aware my hands aren't "average" looking. Yet if I don't pay attention, I tend to draw hands kind of like mine

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Hahahaha, Deo!!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

wow so useful i should measure my hands

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Me too tbh

Deo101 [Millennium]

I atually suggest it it comes in handy (ha) more than youd think

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i found a joint that measures exactly 1 inch and i use it so much

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah!!!

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Whoooooa

Mine goes 8 inches

Deo101 [Millennium]

my hands are fookin hyuge bro

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Wait

8.5

YEAH YOURS ARE GIANT

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

exactly 8 inches

omg your hands are huge

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Mine stretch out to just under 7.5 inches

Deo101 [Millennium]

in yalls defense I also have ehlers danlos so theyre probably stretching more than yours too

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I have smol hands because I am smol

Deo101 [Millennium]

tiney

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yus

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

surprised shadow managed to find a way to measure in inches haha

Deo101 [Millennium]

she said it wrong its actually 8.5 cm

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

8.5 inches

I used a ruler

In cm it’s 21

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

she said it wrong its actually 8.5 cm

hm maybe that's why she thinks hands are hard to draw

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

LMHfhgzmzjKfhl

Deo101 [Millennium]

because she has tiny baby hands and can barely hold the pencil... yes

its all coming together

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

I will slap y’all with my tiny baby doll hands

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i'm learning so much about you all today

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Now you see my pain

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

o h wait do you play music crona?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Uh... Not really. I've messed around on the piano, and failed at playing the French horn

Deo101 [Millennium]

LMAO

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Playing instruments is hard for smol hands

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

rip

Feather J. Fern

My tiny hands compared to my pen XD

Also I took the picture close up and at an angle so not cone cna make fun of my writsts which are narrower than my computer mouse

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

my wrists are also narrower than my mouse, and my mouse is pretty small

Deo101 [Millennium]

mine's about the same as my mouse

Feather J. Fern

Yeah I got a pretty small mouse too, I been told by people to eat more becuase of my wrists (It's an Asian thing apparently) and I'm like "First of all rude, second of all my health is not any of your concern random lady on the street"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yup

Tiny wrist solidarity!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Solidarity!

varethane

I don't have especially thin wrists but my hands are lowkey shaped pretty oddly. I only posted a photo of my hand petting a cat to FB and got a lot of comments like 'cute cat but what's with that hand????'

(it did look pretty weird from that angle. Like a noodle with a couple of noodlefingers at the end)

spacerocketbunny

Oh no Vare ;;;;;3;;;;;;;;;

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

1 note · View note

shidiand · 6 years ago

Note

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

#tenco's story #freshlybakedspiderbread

5 notes · View notes

pinkykitten · 6 years ago

Text

I can be Loved

Marvel

Stephen Strange x plus size & fire power! female reader

Warnings: some curse words, violence, reader being self conscious, death, also i did not re-read this cuz i made this too dang long!

Specifics: death, sadness, romance, comedy, Avengers: Infinity War, man vs man, fire power, pictures, videos, plus size reader, race neutral reader

People: Stephen Strange, you, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Wong, Peter Parker, Ebony Maw, Black Dwarf, Peter Quill, Drax, Mantis, Thanos, Gamora (mentioned), Thor (mentioned).

Words: 4,229

Requested: By anonymously Hi doll❤️ I love your writing please keep doing what you are doing! Do you write for chubby girls or plus size cause I live for that!!!! If so could I request a plus size reader, where she is with doctor strange and many think she is all scrawny and can’t stand up for herself but she proves them wrong by fighting like a bad ass like Thanos makes fun of her and tries to degrade her but she is just too cool and she fights along side Dr. Strange so fluff and angst cause she reacts to his death

Authors Note: hi there anon! thank u so much for ur kind words. i do write for plus size beautiful woman! i luved this request and it makes me kinda sad to not see a lot of fanfics for dr. strange cuz he is such a cool character and it is the benedict cumberbatch. i went a lil bit overboard with this its just i really lived for this request also i made the reader have fire power because i wanted her to be powerful hehehe. but there is a lot to read so im srry. i loved writing this i didnt reread this so there may be mistakes but my back, fingers, legs hurt so yeah. thnx for requesting and i hope u enjoy this. remember i luv to hear ur guys thoughts.

The world as you know it was going to change, one way or another it was going to either perish or fight.

You all looked outside. The wind was strong and the noises of people screaming was all you could hear. Your heart racing in fear you consciously grasped Stephen, your fiance’s hand.

As Tony opened the door many citizens raced the opposite way of..something. Some falling, some terrified, like you.

“Y/n, I should go see what it is. You stay here,” Dr. Strange ordered you, letting go of your hand.

“No Steph, where you go I go. I can fight too you know.” With that you walked ahead of him following Tony.

Stephen quickly grabbed Wong’s attention. “Whatever you do, you keep y/n alive. Alright?”

Wong saw the seriousness in his friends eyes and just nodded.

As you turned the corner a ship that was a circle with a hole in the middle landed on New York City grounds. You gasped loudly at how large it was. This was no human tech, this was some alien crap.

Stephen, Wong, and Bruce followed you and Tony. Suddenly, a blue beam appeared and out came a skinny alien guy that looked like Voldemort, and another alien guy except he was huge and kinda looked like a dung beetle.

Your group walked to them, curious expressions.

The skinny alien then started to say how they were Thanos children, and that you all were about to die from them and it was a privilege.

You turned around all sassy to Bruce, “Is this guy serious?”

“I’m sorry Earth is closed today,” shouted Tony Stark to the alien men. “You better pack it up and get out of here.”

The skinny alien then focused his attention on Stephen, “Stone keeper. Does this chattering animal speak for you?”

“Certainly not, I speak for myself!” Stephen using his magic to maybe scare off the aliens and show that he was not playing. (god that part that he does that hand thing is kinda hot......anyways enjoy reading) “You’re trespassing on this city and on this planet.”

Wong after him brought out his magic.

Just then the huge alien was walking towards your group, hitting his giant hammer on anything he sees.

You tapped your foot impatiently, “hey guys are we gonna do anything? I really don’t think this guy likes us!”

Well since he was big you all then looked at...Bruce...well you all wanted the Hulk. You all stared at him awaiting for the green monster to rage on out. Instead, Bruce was having trouble getting him out, “c’mon man, c’mon.”

He was still pushing, and pushing, and pushing some more. Everyone awaiting, and staring impatiently.

“Ugh men!” You stated placing a hand on your plush, curvy hip.

“Wheres your guy?” Tony Stark asked looking as if Bruce lied to him.

“I don’t know we’re sorta been having a thing.”

“There’s no time for a thing. Thats the thing right there, lets go.”

The big alien man was coming closer and closer. Then he started running towards you all. You quickly turned your whole body into fire, your skin turning orange, and your hair turning into flames. Your eyes a bright sun orange (kinda like flame princess from at). “Step away boys.”

“I love it when she does that,” Stephen said as he stared all amazed at you.

(not my art! do not own!)

You stood in front of the massive alien, ready to shoot him with some fire balls.

(TONY’S COOL MOVE YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS srry) Tony decided to help as well. He turned his track suit into his Iron man suit. But in a cool way.

He added some blasters to his suit and all of them came out to shoot at the alien. You and Tony shot at the same time making the alien fall back onto the skinny one but surprise surprise, his powers were telekinesis.

He, with the power of his mind moved the other alien harshly to a car.

Tony put his blasters away.

“Holy crap that was frickin amazing!” A excited Bruce yelled, making you turn around and chuckle. “You turning into fire and you, Tony, where’d that come from?”

“Its nano tech, you like it?” Answered Tony, turning around to you all.

“I got to say that was pretty awesome,” you smiled placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

Tony placed a hand on his mouth and gasped, “ooohhh wizard man, how you feel about your fiance touching me and oh wait, yeah, calling me awesome?’

Stephen shook his head and his cloak smacked your hand off Tony’s shoulder, “she was only trying to be nice to you...she calls me better things in bed.”

“Wow,” Tony said.

“Babe! Thats private,” you shouted, laughing at the end.

“Wow, that was so unneeded, like to the point where you didn’t need to do that.” Tony shook his hands, shaking his head.

Suddenly, the skinny alien man used his powers to throw a car at you all. The other worked on it while you and Tony threw it back to him. He used his powers to cut it in half.

Tony then used his boosters to try to fly to him. You used your fire power to fly to him as well. As you tried to fly, Stephen brought you down. “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you stay here, I really don’t think you going over there is such a good idea.”

“Are you serious? Honey, I’m fine.”

Bruce came into the conversation, “yeah y/n, maybe Stephen is right. Maybe this is a little bit too much for you.”

“You know what, I know this isn’t a woman thing because you all let Natasha fight. This is a size thing. Are you all serious? You think I can’t fight cause I’m too big, too fat for the normal superhero.”

Wong then raised his hand and tried to tell you something, but you just ignored him. “Thats fine think what you want to think,” you almost cried, Stephen going to you and saying that thats not it, and of course it wouldn’t be it.

“Y/n, I think you’re the most beautiufl woman on this Earth, and trust me I know you are capable-”

“Save it. I don’t need any of you. I am going to fight, whether you like it or not, and I’m gonna show you all that bigger woman can do things in this world, especially be a superhero!”

Your fire became more intense and you flew next to Tony. The skinny alien was using his powers to throw some of the road on you two. The big alien threw a claw at Tony and this set Tony back.

“Stark!” You shouted. “You are not eleven from Stranger Things, are you?” You raised your eyebrow to the skinny alien. “Thats okay, you look more like the demogorgon.” You blasted flames at both aliens. Dodging one of the punches of the big alien.

The skinny alien threw the fire back onto you. You just chuckled, “You do realize I’m made of fire, right?”

The skinny alien smiled and heaved a huge piece of building onto you.

“Y/n!” Yelled Wong and Stephen. They tried to get to you but they had to fight the skinny alien.

“Ouch!” You quickly burned the piece of building into ashes and saw the skinny alien go to your fiance. “Steph!”

He put Stephen to the wall and placed bricks on him. You knew he wanted that stone. You also knew Stephen placed a spell on it.

“-then I’ll take it off your corpse.” The alien took Stephen and threw him to you.

“Oh my god babe, honey,” you took off your fire power to touch him, carressing his face. “Steph are you okay?”

His cloak brought him up and he nodded to you. He tried to use the time stone but the alien wrapped thorny vines around his arms.

“Let him go!” You try to burn the vines away but its not use, they just keep reappearing. The vines go around his neck and knock him out unconscious.

“Are you serious?” You try to take the vines off of him, they are strong and grab on real tight. “C’mon babe, stupid frickin things get off!”

The alien brings Stephen with him and you fall off the platform. The cloak then takes Stephen away from the vines. You, your fire power ignited, go after him, with the skinny alien following you two.

“Steph I am right here. I got you.”

He then goes by Tony, and you notice Tony fighting with the big alien. You also notice your favorite...SPIDER MAN!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hi sweetheart!” You wave to Peter.

“Hi Ms. L/n!”

“Kid thats the wizard and y/n, get on it,” ordered Tony to Peter.

“On it!”

You flew backwards now, your attention on to the alien behind you. “Go away freak!” You started shooting fire at him, him dodging every time. Peter tried to get the alien but he through a piece of debris at Peter.

“Peter!” You shouted look at his state to make sure he was fine.

“Not cool, yeah Ms. L/n, I’m fine!”

As Stephen was getting away from the alien, the alien used his powers to stop Stephen. By bending the street lights one of the lights caught Stephen by the cloak making Stephen fall out. You tried to catch him but you would of burned him. In that moment you felt defenseless, helpless, unworthy. You couldn’t even do a simple job as saving your future husband. They were all right about you.

Peter came to the rescue and saved Stephen. With a sad face you thanked the young boy for doing something you couldn’t do. You just followed them slowly, until you were lifted in a beam. You tried to hold onto something but it was no use. You were going to die, how did you know this? What use were you, they didn’t need you, nor want you. You were garbage to them. You were garbage to everyone. You tried to shake the self conscious thoughts out of your mind, but you couldn’t. They were eating at you, telling you things that were not true.

Peter tried to hold on with his spider web to Stephen but the skinny alien used his powers to bring Peter up.

You entered the ship with Stephen and ran to hide behind a piece of the inner ship. Watching to see someone come by.

“This is bad,” you thought. “Really bad.”

You meet up unexpectedly with Peter and Tony. You see in the distance the alien is pointing these needle like things to Stephen to get the time stone. The needle things go into his skin and you hear his screams. Tears coming out of your eyes you try to go to him but Tony stops you.

“Don’t blow our cover y/n, we will save him.”

As you all try to think of a plan Peter says, “hey have you guys ever seen a really really old movie called Aliens?”

As the alien is threatening Stephen, you and Tony go behind him ready to blast him away. He turns around to the sound of Tony’s high pitched suit.

The alien uses his power to bring out pieces of the ship to you and Tony. You smirk and say, “have fun in space.”

You and Tony blast a hole in the ship sending him and Stephen flying.

“Steph! Peter get him!”

Peter grabs Stephen with his web and then a new feature of his suit comes out. HE HAS SPIDER LEGS!

“HOLY SH*T THAT IS AMAZING!” You squeal in excitement.

Peter jumps up and brings Stephen in. Tony closes the hole.

You quickly run to Stephen and hug him, “oh my god, I thought I lost you. I’m so happy you’re alive.” You look into his eyes and he looks into yours.

“Sweetheart about earlier, what I was trying to say is that-”

You stand up quickly, the emotions and self conscious feelings interrupting your mind again. “It doesn’t matter right now.” You turn around, shyly placing a hand on your arm and rubbing it. You then mutter as you’re walking away, “I don’t matter.”

Stephen tries to go to you to help you and to make you feel better but Tony places a hand on him to decide where to go.

Stephen thinks Earth but Tony thinks wherever the ship is going. His thinking is he feels wherever this ship is going Thanos must be there, if all of you were to go then it would be an element of surprise. Stephen disagrees in the begging but you agree with Tony.

“If Thanos is going to be there then maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. I mean I know, we have to protect the stone but I don’t think Thanos is awaiting this much of an impact or this much of a plan. I say we go for it.”

The ship lands harshly on a planet named Titan.

A smoke bomb lands between you all and with impact you all go tumbling back.

“What in the world!”

You look up to see some wannabes trying to fight you all. You fly to the one with the funny looking goggles.

He shoots you with his gun while you blast a hole power of fire.

“I call this roast some buns,” you blast harder your fire at him. He dodges it with his cheap looking jet pack thing.

“What are we in The Krusty Krab?” The unknown person jokes along with you.

You all fight with each other and form a circle of whos killing who.

The person you were fighting takes his mask off and point the gun at Tony. “I’m gonna ask you this one time, where is Gamora?”

“Yeah, I’ll do you one better,” Tony took his mask off. “Who’s Gamora?”

And then the alien, buff man talked, “I’ll do you one better, why is Gamora?”

“I’ll do you all one better, why are we still talking about this Gamora?” You stopped your fire powers.

After going back and forth on where this Gamora was at the guy holding Peter mentioned Thanos.

“Wait, what Thanos. Alright let me ask you this one time, what master do you serve?” You looked at Stephen as he questioned the new comers.

“What master do I serve? What am I supposed to say Jesus?” The guy answered back, still holding Peter.

After explaining that you were trying to defeat Thanos as well Peter took off his mask, “We’re the avengers man.”

Just then the alien bug looking girl said, “you’re the one Thor told us about.”

Tony asked, “you know Thor?”

The Missouri guy nodded, “Yeah, tall guy not that good lookin, needed saving.”

You eyes widened, “oh my god Thor’s alive. We may still have a chance...I say we all work together on this. We all want to take down the same purple raisin so we should combine all our powers to become one and destroy Thanos.”

“Thanks for the input lava girl, didn’t know we were all gonna turn into Voltron with all our lions.” The blonde hair man said as his eyes were on you.

You walked up to him with a serious face, “my name is y/n, and I don’t think fragile skin can stand against hot fire.”

You walked to the exit while Tony, Peter, and Stephen giggled. “Gotta love her,” Stephen said as he followed you.

You all came out of the ship and stood on the planet, trying to come up with a plan. You learned all the names of the new people.

Mantis in a low voice asked, “Does your friend do that?”

You all look back to see Stephen moving his head quickly back and forth. You go to him and place a hand on his cheek. He comes back to reality with a startle cry.

“You okay?” You ask worried.

Stephen was using the Time Stone to look into alternate futures. You ask about if you win the battle, but out of the millions of futures he foresaw, he sees that you are all victorious in none but one alone.

Your heart pounds and you squeeze your hand shut, tightly. All in your head was how you are going to die feeling worthless, feeling like you contributed nothing to this world. Tears start to form in your eyes and you walk to a nearby rock, covering yourself from the others.

You wanted to show Stephen that you were not just the girl that got made fun of in high school because of her weight. You’re not someone you can make fun of and push around as if you don’t have feelings. You wanted to come out victorious and explain these terrible feelings you’ve been having lately to Stephen.

Stephen see you crying behind a rock and walks over to you. He kneels down to you and takes your hands in his.

“Sweetheart please talk to me, I’m here for you.”

You wipe your tears, “I know I can’t do many things in life, I can’t prevent many things. But I can try to fight. I know I’m fat and ugly and big but I want to try to prove my worth. To you and to them.” You pointed to the group. “I’m so useless, aren’t I?”

Stephen kissed your hands. “No. You are so much more than those degrading words. Back there I wasn’t trying to make fun of you honey, or bring you down in any way. I didn’t want you to get hurt, I didn’t want, I don’t want anything to happen to you. You are so important to me and to so many others, you just don’t see it. You prove to others and to other young girls, just women in general that even if you feel useless and nothing you can make something of yourself, you can save the world. You are beautiful in and out y/n, you are my superhero, my hero, you save me y/n. It will always be that way. I know you are so capable of so many great things and I encourage you to do everything in your power to be you, to be the amazing, powerful, strong you. This means so much to me,” Stephen said holding up your ring on your finger. “It means that soon you and I will be one, we will be husband and wife. We will not just show love but be love. You are my everything y/n, thank you for standing by me sweetheart.”

Your eyes were wide and you were shocked. “I love you so much Steph, thank you for saying those things. I really needed to hear that, you make me so happy Stephen Strange. I can’t wait to get married to you and when I call you mine. Thank you love.”

You sit on his lap, not caring about your weight. Stephen holds you upright with ease, resting his hands on your hips. You trace massage your fingers into his dark locks seeing his ice blue eyes look into yours. You place your hands on his cheeks, taking in his complexion of high cheekbones and milky white skin. You kiss him on the lips lightly, enjoying the presence of him. He deepens the kiss his right hand going to your cheek, making the kiss more passionate. In the middle of the kiss you hear a cough. You and Stephen turn your heads to see a startled Peter, and a annoyed Stark.

“Sorry am I interrupting something, cause we’re in the middle of a war if you haven’t noticed. Anyways, you two, The Notebook, we have a plan.”

Thanos had come to the planet Titan and tried to explain his belief of genocide. It all seemed so crazy to you. You all almost got the gauntlet off but you all especially Peter Quill learned that Gamora was dead. Peter got so mad at Thanos that he punched him knocking him out of the sleep phase he was in with Mantis.

It almost worked the plan, now it was to make it up as you guys went.

You gave this war, this battle everything that you had. All your being your strength, everything.

Everyone was focused and paying attention to other things in their way that you were left with Thanos.

By yourself.

All the struggles in life, all the beat downs, the I’m not good enough have led you up to this moment. You were going to show this monster, this demon that you are good enough and you do deserve love and happiness.

“I, I’m not afraid of you,” you stood proudly in front of this giant.

“No my dear child not of me, but of others.” Thanos said as he walked slowly to you, bringing out his hand to your cheek. You gave him a scowl, scoffing.

“What do you mean?”

Thanos shook his head, “I know your deepest fear. Y/n, you are afraid of how others perceive you, how they think of you. You try your hardest to please others. You are the coward, you say you are not afraid but I know deep down you’re terrified.”

Your eyes were wide, “no, no, no, I’m not like that. Stop.”

“But of course you would be young one, you know how it feels to have your inner demons. To know your not good enough, not even good enough to be in this world.”

You started to shake your head, hands clutching the sides of it trying to not listen to those terrible words that have scarred you. Thanos smiling, knowing that he was getting to you.

“Stop leave me alone you monster,” you cried out.

Stephen came out and stood by you, “Y/n don’t listen to him. Remember what I told you. You are better than this.”

“Leave her be, let her make her own decisions. Y/n you are not happy with how you look, when you see yourself you see disgust. You are not afraid of me.”

You started shaking your head while tears were starting to come out, “no stop, stop!”

Stephen tried knocking sense in you, “Honey don’t listen to him, you are better than this. Remeber how much I care for you.”

Thanos kept going, “you are not afraid of death.”

“STOP! Just stop it!”

“No, you are afraid that no one will love you for who you are.”

At that being said it ignited something in you. All your power, the fire held inside you spilled out with a cry and shriek.

Thanos eyes widened and he used the power stone to be able to go through the fire you ignited.

“You are wrong about me Thanos! I have love, I have someone who loves me! You don’t, you know why, because you KILLED HER!”

Thanos used the power stone again on you to try to destroy you, but you were too powerful and uncontrollable to stop.

All the fire coming out of your body amazed everyone, you were so powerful. With another cry more fire came out making Thanos go behind some boulders to shield himself from the flames. Stephen stared at you with immense respect, amazed at how you fought. After a time your body was drained from all the power you used. Your eyes felt heavy and your body wanted to just lay down. The fire stopped and you were normal now, you fell from up in the air but you were caught in a pair of strong arms.

“I got you sweetheart,” came the soothing voice of your dear love, Stephen.

You smile weakly, “I know.”

Thanos came to you both threatening to kill you. Of course Stephen loved you so much that he gave up the infinity stone to save you.

He risked the whole world to save you.

“Why would you do that?”

Stephen just hugged you tightly like his life depended on it while kissing your forehead, “we’re in the end game now.”

You all waited for a sign, for something to show..anything. You hugged Stephen the whole time, enjoying what you didn’t know was the last moments together.

Suddenly, Mantis disappeared like the wind. Your eyes widened and then it went to worse. Like a list, others started to become ashes right before your eyes, and you could not prevent it from happening. Next came Drax, then Peter Quill. Tony then went and looked at Stephen. Automatically you started crying, “no, please, don’t tell me...no please no.”

Stephen looked so guilty and so pained at you and Tony, “There was no other way.”

Stephen grabbed your face and kept his forehead to your, “Time is so important yet so short. No words can describe how much I love you and will always love you even in death. I love you y/n, I love you.”

Stephen starts to disappear making you sob. Your heart is broken and all that is left is his ashes. You start to feel strange and notice in your hands you are also turning into ashes. Tears start to form in your eyes but you welcome this feeling because no feeling is worse than the feeling you just experienced of losing Stephen.

140 notes · View notes

chillihansol · 7 years ago

Text

barista!junhui (click for HD)

no. 1 reason why jun finds himself working as a barista is bc he dragged himself along

he’s a college boy too, major in performing arts wow whats new

and when he heard that joshua will be applying as a barista on the café near his department

he’s like “can i join, that sounds fun”

ofc, joshua being a kind friend, he’s very pleasant to have jun with him

ya know this café they applied to really needed a new set of baristas

and by the time the manager saw jun and joshua walk inside

“you’re both hired”

i mean, these too are very attractive (and they can attract more customers) and they look very responsible and dependable

tho they were accepted, they also had to work on different shifts and this made the two of them quite sad :(

but anyways, jun works in the afternoon after his class, which is also after everyone else’s class so his job was quite on the hassle side

junhui adapted on the job really well and only had to go training for two days

surprisingly, as junhui continued on his job on the café, he really DID attract more people to come

plus, most of the customers are college girls ofc

one time, a group of girls from another department came in while stiffling their grins and having pink blushes on their cheeks

junhui seemed to notice their reactions and found it really cute

and they seemed to notice that junhui caught them too

so they slightly turned away before ordering

luckily for jun, the café wasnt really packed at that moment so he took the opportunity to eavesdrop while pretending to clean the counter

“what do we order”

“idk we dont drink coffee”

“what”

“you’re supposed to at least like coffee!”

“girl they have teas too in case you’re more into those”

“and they have desserts too”

“but we have to order coffee so he asks for our name!”

this brought huge grin on junhui’s lips

and he wasn’t oblivious about the fact he was getting quite popular lately

so the the girls didnt stop to gush about him for about five minutes

until junhui heard the bell rang, indicating that another customer came in

and that was you

you came in, searching the whole room as you were actually looking for someone

but when your eyes landed on junhui, you made your way to him with such eagerness

junhui, on the other hand, almost dropped the towel he was holding as he watched you run to him

when you stopped directly in front of him, with the counter separating the two of you

he couldnt get himself to speak

and you noticed that

damn, junhui was speechless

so you initiated a sentence

“excuse me, is joshua here at the moment?”

and he felt a very little pang on his chest with that

he thought you were going to order and he would get his chance to know your name

he mentally shook himself before replying

“oh, h-he’s not here. his shift starts a-after mine.”

and he wanted to slap himself for stuttering in front of you

“oh” you said, a little disappointed “would you mind if i leave this here? it’s our report and he needs to revise it for our presentation tomorrow” you waved a brown envolope as you spoke

jun nodded multiple times before reaching the paper “s-sure, i’ll let him know.”

and that brought a huge beautiful smile on your face and he felt mini butterflies on the pit of his stomach

“alright, thank you–” your eyes squinted on his name tag “thanks junhui?”

“you’re welcome” he shyly replied, shoving the envelope on the drawers

“actually, can i have a cup of iced americano?”

and junhui suddenly didnt know how to punch your order on the machine bc he was so flustered

his hands were shaking as he took your order

and you noticed that, to which you found very cute

this also gave you the chance to look at him and intake his features

and woah

he’s

really

handsome

you felt your heartbeat raced a little faster at the sight of him

you stare at him while he was so focused on his work

the way his eyes squint a little

and his eyebrows slightly meeting each other

and his mouth parted a little

but he turned his attention back to you and he !! caught !! you !! staring !! at !! him !!!

so you quickly looked away and pretended to be busy admiring the interior design of the café

“so cute” junhui whispered to himself

but you heard it

and pretended you didnt

and that brought a huge blush all over your face

“your name please?” he asked with a hint of amusement in his voice

you barely looked at him as you replied “y/n”

so junhui turned around and made your drink,

He was blushing real hard and he’s never blushed like that his whole life

the temperature outside is really high too, so junhui secretly add more ice on your drink

“y/n” he called you and you looked at him, forcing yourself to smile but not too much

Bc he’s going to notice you’re having butterflies

Ofc, when he handed you your drink, your fingertips brushed against his

And that brought mini sparks in his hand

WEN JUNHUI IS MENTALLY CALMING HIMSELF DOWN

You pulled out your wallet to pay but jun immediately interrupted saying,

“Oh, don’t. It’s on the house,”

Even tho it wasnt, lol, really, it’s just a cup of iced americano

You know he’s lying but you just let it slide bc you didn’t want to insist

So you gave him one last smile before leaving the shop

lol, don’t forget about the group of girls earlier

Bc they witnessed your lowkey flirting with him

And they didn’t like it of course

Junhui saw how they were glaring at you and this brought a frown to his face

One of the girls saw his expressions, and they just embarrassingly walked out without ordering

So his shift continued until it was done, he was just waiting for joshua to come

When he did, jun immediately handed the envelope you gave earlier

“It’s from y/n,”

Joshua frowned a little, “y/n? How did you know her?”

“She said her name?” now junhui is a little confused why joshua was a bit skeptical

and this made junhui nervous bc…

….are you two dating?

“Are you….dating?” jun asked very slowly

“What? No! She’s my cousin.”

SIGH

Junhui let out a relieving sigh and nodded his head “she’s really…….pretty.”

Joshua’s eyes widened. “DO YOU LIKE HER IMMEDIATELY? YOU JUST MET HER TODAY”

He shrugged, and was about to ask something about you again until their manager came out and scold them for gossiping lol

And so the next days, junhui kept hoping for you to visit the shop

But you didn’t

He wanted to meet you so badly and it was so obvious that he’s very interested in you

He asked joshua all the time why weren’t you going to the café

And he was relieved that you were just very busy at the moment

Soooo, one day, you came back

But junhui didn’t hear the bell ring, and he didn’t know someone came inside

It was sunday which means there are no classes, but jun still has work that day

you came inside with bunch of books on your hand and a heavy backpack hanging on your shoulder

of course, you came there to study, hopefully before you get distracted by junhui’s ethereal face

and when you were about to order, you didn’t notice the sign on the floor

CAUTION: SLIPPERY FLOOR

and you

slipped

luckily, there were only two people inside

plus junhui

who heard your fall

your books were scattered everywhere

and he saw you on the floor, struggling

so he immediately stopped fixing the plastic cups and ran to you

his hands were on your arms, helping you to get up

while you were trying to hide your face behind your hair because,

let’s be real, it was embarrassing

when you got up, junhui gathered your books and gave them to you with a concerned look

“are you okay? where does it hurt?”

you almost blushed again because, damn, he’s really sweet

“no, i’m okay. sorry.” you chuckled, while screaming inside

junhui led you to an empty table, with his hand on the small of your back

why is he so sweet already ahsldjlas

“do you want some iced americano?” he shyly asked, looking down at you

“oh s-sure” you stuttered, looking down at your books

so junhui made you order and gave it to you immediately

lol he has never worked this fast before

he wanted to have a conversation with you but he noticed the abundance of textbooks you brought so he gave you the time you needed

and there he was,

just standing behind the counter

watching you as you focused on the notes scribbled on your papers

he literally just stops gazing at you when a customer comes in

but when he has the time, he just looks at you

you weren’t oblivious about it tho

in fact, it was distracting you

because you can really feel his gaze piercing on you, and you can’t focus on your studies because you just want to look at him too

tho as much as you want to, you also have a huge exam next day, and you don’t wanna fail that so you have no choice but to just leave

junhui was sad while seeing you walk out

and you saw of course

so you promised to yourself to come again tomorrow

and so you did,

not just the day after that

but you visit everyday

you and him were a bit awkward at first

he knew your order already

and let’s not forget you cousin aka joshua aka junhui’s friend slash co-worker aka his wingman

joshua trusts junhui, so he finds a way for the two of you to get closer

as your visits continue, you found yourself staying at the café until the end of junhui’s shift

what you were doing there, you ask?

talk with junhui,

or should i say,,,,, flirt with junhui

you get know each other very well

like really really well

his class schedule

his family

his friends

his habits

everything

and the more you gain more closeness with him, the more you actually like him as a man

one day, junhui was expecting you to arrive on the café

but you didn’t

calm down, junhui. she’s probably busy

he kept glancing outside, and on the clock

and when his shift was almost done

he gave up and sighed

but surprise,

you came in, with a huge smile on your face

and junhui was already walking out of the counter that time,

you intake his appearance

and that was actually the first time you saw him without an apron

and he’s more attractive

asjfnsakjf

when your eyes met, there was like a rope appeared between the two of you and pulled you to each other

you walked, then stopped just right in front of him

he smelled like coffee, strong coffee beans which you love

and he smiled down at you affectionately

“hi” he said

“hi” you replied, grabbing his hand, then interlaced your fingers with his

junhui’s expression changed and it was so obvious he was shocked by your actions but he likes it

he took a glanced on your connected hands and grinned wider.

“i waited for you today,”

“i know,” you replied teasingly

junhui raised an eyebrow

“will you go out with me today?”

his eyes widen at your question, and the butterflies in his stomach came up again

“i mean, if you’re not busy–”

“im not!” he interrupted too quickly to which you laughed on

and that was you first date, you were the one to ask him out

which was followed by another date

and another

and one more

and it took him the 10th date to ask you to be his

and he didn’t really give you a choice at all, honestly

“we’ve been in to so many dates, will you be mine already? yes or yes?”

when joshua heard about this, he was like ‘FINALLY!!’

coffee dates became your thing, and joshua was always the one to serve your coffees

you watch his performances

and stay with him on the café if he needs to work overtime

junhui is just thankful to have you

and he would never ask for more after having you

because you’re all he needed

eventually, you started working on the café too

which was not a good idea because junhui keeps sneaking kisses from you

it’s not that you don’t like it

it’s just, he’s distracting you

but you don’t really complain

because you love him

and he loves you too

265 notes · View notes

feverhalo · 7 years ago

Text

So. Heres this old fic from uhhhhhhhhhhhhh I really don’t remember how long ago. Originally I had it split into 3 parts on the posts that inspired it- and it was my first attempt at writing anything along the lines of stuffing, but it kind of ended up more like he was already coming down with something. It was on my first attempt at a fic blog- way back when and it got deleted because I didnt know how sideblogs worked back then and goofed. Thought I lost everything, then I found an old disc with a whole whack of it on there.

At the moment I can only find 2 of the 3 posts of the art that inspired it here and here. I’ll link the missing post as soon as I find it.

so um, warnings for vomit, cussing, and over-eating-ish and mentions of drinking. and I also am not editing it because im super lazy so its in the same glory as it was when i posted it years ago (2012 apparently)

2,864 words, apparently.

“Come on people! When I say I want you all mobilized in fifteen I don’t mean in half a damn hour. I mean twenty minutes ago.” Fury fumed over the intercom from his station on scene. His voice bounced off the inside of the transport van and rung through each individual earpiece. “Rise and shine, ‘cause we are in a fucking war against some baddies if you haven’t all noticed. You are my agents and I am expecting you to do your damn jobs at my order.”

“Load of fucking shit,” the sniper agent to Clint’s left mumbled, “two a.m. wakeup call is horseshit. I just finished a mission and got back at ten last night.”

“Yeah, welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D brother, what did you think this was? Day camp?” Clint double checked his packet was still together. He’d read it once they got to their positions, it was too dark inside the van. He shook his head a bit when the other agent went back to fuming. Running on low sleep was nothing, sure the headaches and fuzziness were a pain in the ass sometimes but it’s not hard to get used to. You have to get used to it in this job. Same with messed up schedules on basically everything. They would get an hour tops to set up and get ready for a long haul on their stations.

What he managed to make sense of before climbing in the back of the vehicle through his sleep-fogged mind was that they needed to be ready for anything by three thirty, three forty five at the latest with the other crew up ahead of them set up. He rubbed his face trying to wake up more, must be all the time he’s spent on normal schedule lately, it was causing a real issue. He wasn’t looking forward to the no doubt shitty and militant type food they were all going to have for breakfast within the next hour either. He was getting soft on the new routine of near-normal sleep and actual tasteful food instead of vacuum packed crap made for boosting endurance.

He leaned back to try and get into the mindset for the day. It was going to be a very very long one. Someone mentioned they might be stuck out there until seven that night. By then they’d have relief agents come in to give them a break, but as Hawkeye, well he was probably expected to stay around. Most teams wouldn’t shelf their best shooter if they could help it. He’d probably get a nap in at some stationed area. Though the accidental nap he got on the way there wasn’t something he completely cursed even though he didn’t like the fact of it.

“Alright, come on move out you all got a lot to go over and not much time.” The voice crackling into his ear is what startled him awake, and the hatch of the van swinging open definitely helped make that happen faster. Keeping near silent, everyone filed out and headed into the building while Agent Hill took control of their transport and directed it to their station a little ways away hidden in a different building.

Everyone was handed a pack; filled with the shitty food and bottles of water for their posts, their weapons if they hadn’t brought any and extra ammo and pieces if they did, additional intel for their briefing packages according to pay grade, and some quick hushed instruction to where they were all to be.

Clint took his without a word and made his way to his post. Abandoned, or purposefully emptied, industrial building and the usual sort of interior. Too much moving about would give away his position on the metal catwalk. He had a few windows to observe through and a railing to his back. He dropped his pack as lightly and quietly as he could and set himself facing the railing to observe everyone being dispatched while he read over his briefing package.

Exact sort of thing he expected since they woke him up. Nothing too big, but big enough to require a lot of force if anything went bad. He was given another radio code with instructions to call the other Avengers if things turned too ugly. And it was going to be a long-ass day. No break in sight until afternoon if they were lucky. He ripped open the first package of… well. He opened the first nutritional packet and set to work on it mindlessly while he kept reading and rereading. This was coded, but memorizing it and burning it was always his procedure.

By the fourth read through he was nearly done the second pack. Best to eat as much as he could, as much as he hated it and was off-put by eating at such a strange time after the Avengers got together. Professional agent Clint Barton, code name Hawkeye, sharpest shooter as they came- but totally useless without a sugar rush to start him at this time of night, and hell to deal with if he crashes afterward. Carbs, protein, sugar. The three biggest and most annoying things to eat right now, low on time and rushing to compensate for his mental sluggishness at this hour.

He startled himself with a small belch and nearly dropped everything. He did a quick scan and everything seemed normal. Confused for a second longer as to the origin of the sound, he came to the realization when he hiccupped. Ah. Right. He was eating, and apparently at the speed he was reading if the blooming discomfort in his slightly distended abdomen was anything to go by. He took a swig of the only soda from his pack, no doubt put there as a favor from a very sneaky woman. He let it fizz up in his mouth before swallowing it.

New diet. That’s another thing he reminded himself to update S.H.I.E.L.D on before the next mission. He downed some more soda and let the carbonation work its way back out in a few more small burps. It was definitely a good feeling. He just had to work the rest of the air out before the mission started. No big deal.

“Relax Barton,” He shifted in his new ‘nest’, “nothing you haven’t had to do before. Good to know I can still get mission jitters, heh. Maybe this’ll be fun.” He wanted it to be. He definitely wasn’t expecting this call when he decided to turn in early last night. He tried to tell himself the slight trembling feeling, not that he’d let his hands shake at all if it could be helped, was from nerves. Big man in the world now, sure, but unexpected missions always had excitement to them. Sometimes it left you a little shaken in the best ways. Not that he was sure how good this sort of shaken felt yet, all he could say for certain was that it was strange.

He shrugged his shoulders and straightened out before packing away the left overs and digging out a lighter to burn the paper with. The wind howled a little outside, bringing to his mind the chill of the night.

An hour later had him leaning lazily at a windowsill; nothing happened yet that needed his attention or intervention. He kept flitting his eyes about in a restless sort of way, glancing about but never focusing too long and trying to keep that trembling, tingling feeling filling him up at bay. He thought back to the night before, and about being so tired.

“See anything?” Another agent’s voice crackled through his earpiece. He pressed down on his microphone button to reply.

“Not a damn thing,” he drawled, “Anything from your sights?”

“Nothing yet,”

He let up off the mic and sighed. He felt his body buzz again in a wave under his skin and couldn’t help but shake his shoulders trying to get it out. Part of his mind nagged at him with a reminder of feeling distinctly unwell last night.

Drinking. Stark roped us all into it. Thinks just because he has a miracle liver means we all do.

Though it was harder to remind himself of that when he had to shake his shoulders and head again to fight off a wave of fuzziness.

It wasn’t for another forty-five minutes, and three updates from Fury himself, until Barton had something to hold his attention. He was crouched low at his post and grabbed at the shirt over his stomach as another wave of pain and sudden nausea shot through him. Sure he’d started idly rubbing his stomach a little earlier; he was getting butterflies was all. Usually something happened by now when they got this many people out that fast. He was getting more nervous the entire time, who didn’t when it came to performance issues? He was still having trouble focusing on the vast nothingness happening today by the time the butterflies started. But now this was throwing him off.

“Any news yet? Getting real bored up here,” he clicked the mic off after and waited.

“Nothing. Should be another hour at most. Getting antsy there, a little flighty? Ha.”

“Ha. Leave the jokes to someone who can handle them, Keith.” He turned down the radio and double checked the microphone was off when he curled up tighter into himself and put his head against the sill as another wave of discomfort washed over him.

Eventually, he had to get back up and in proper position. He felt a bit better after some time elapsed and figured as long as he didn’t over do anything and stayed relatively well hydrated he’d be good enough. He turned the radio back up and opened his water bottle as he slid back into the favored hiding position he found where he could stand full height without being seen. Another hour tops and he’d have something in his sights…

Hawkeye swallowed hard and backed away from his post. This was getting a little ridiculous. He stepped back until the guard rail pressed into his back. He hazarded a quick glimpse over before having to go back to staring at part of the wall to calm his roiling stomach, but his eyes didn’t miss a thing. All S.H.I.E.L.D’s other snipers were still focused at their stations. No other agents or personnel were in the area. He figured it was safe enough to sit down for a little and wait this out. Again.

He dropped slowly and cautiously, trying not to upset anything further, and dropped his legs over the side. He pressed his forehead to the cool metal of the guard rail and tried to focus on breathing evenly. At least if it all went to hell, it would go right the hell off his platform. Damn, even some personal snark wasn’t helping anything.

He shut his eyes tight and willed himself not to moan out-loud. Getting seen and getting heard were two ways to royally fuck up in this job, and now were also two ways to grab unwanted attention and ridicule over his gastric distress. His snaked one arm around the bar running at chest level and pulled his head down to lean heavily on it, holding it for dear life if his whitened knuckles were anything to go by. Clint’s other hand rested lightly on his stomach, too nervous to even try and ease the nausea by rubbing or curling up this time. By how ragged his breathing sounded, even trying to call in now wouldn’t work. His jaw felt glued together anyway, he really didn’t trust opening his damn trap for anything. Static fizzled over his earpiece and some other agents gave short updates.

After a few minutes with no relief Clint resigned that he might just actually lose it here. He shoved the microphone back and double checked it was switched off. Still on the right channel so just in case they did need him it was easy to radio back, he couldn’t back out but like hell he could get up right now. His stomach lurched and gurgled, leaving him coughing a little into his hand to stifle the sound and hopefully to help keep everything down. He felt a rush of stifling heat and sweat beaded on his neck.

Did he mention this was going to be a long-ass night?

“Got someone moving.” Clint perked up as best he could in this situation. Not the best idea, he shuddered and folded forward a bit more. He groped blindly for the water bottle he had been taking sips from to help quell the nausea with until now. He popped it open with his teeth and waited for someone else to give up more information. Nobody would realize he wasn’t looking right now, they’d all be too busy searching their own areas and figuring he was either doing the same or trained on the target already.

“Can’t see them.” Clint groaned aloud, unable to help it. He took another sip from the bottle, but just ended up spitting it out.

“I swear I will never say anything bad about anyone ever again…” he started mumbling to himself disjointedly. Promising things to any deity he ever heard of, cursing them all out.

“It’s the Director. No worries, everyone,” Agent Hill came over the comms. “He and I are double checking parts of the perimeter. The targets shouldn’t be this far back at all.”

“Fuck. Fuck everything and the damn horse it rode in on,” he swallowed hard and tried to ignore the burning at the back of his throat.

“Confirmed. It is Director Fury and Agent Hill.”

Radio silence returned for another stretch of time. Felt like almost another hour. Clint spat down on to the floor below again. Finally giving in to the urge to wrap his arm tightly around his middle, he rocked himself slightly to see if it helped. It did for a small moment. He let out a shaky sigh and glanced back over at the windows where the sun was now creeping up through the clouds of dirt and grime on the glass. He considered moving back a bit and laying down before radioing in his distress, but not before he was sure it was something he could handle. After a few more intense seconds he decided that was the best plan of action.

After about four more seconds his stomach decided that was a stupid idea and he needed to keep his ass very still right the hell where it was. And less than a second after that, Barton was parting with a good portion of his stomach’s contents. There was no elegant or quiet and stealthy way to cover that. He retched. He shut his eyes and shook a little harder after the fact. Resting his head, defeated, on the railing again, he Clint tried to work up the strength and his voice well enough to call it in if someone wasn’t already beating him to it.

“Damnit Barton,” Fury’s voice vaulted up to where Hawkeye was slumped, “What the hell?!”

Clint opened his eyes slowly, he shook a little more in some vague form of terror that filtered through his sickened mind. He scooted back a bit, ignoring the wet dripping of his own vomit onto the floor below. He pulled the mic piece down and flicked it on.

“Sorry sir, Agent Hawkeye reporting,” his voice shook, wavered and cracked a little, but still carried over the radio and down from his nest, “I think I’m a little under the weather.”

“Well no fucking shit.” Agent Hill had retreated a number of steps from Fury and the mess surrounding him. She pulled her clipboard up and started flipping through pages while putting out a radio call for a med truck and a replacement. If he had felt any better, Clint would have laughed at the absurd sight, but unfortunately he was back to fighting to keep down what was left in his stomach. “If you’re gonna do that again I’d like some damn warning.”

All Hawkeye could manage for warning was a quick ‘move-aside’ hand motion before leaning through the gap in the rail again and vomiting once more. By now everyone in the building knew what was going on and were switching radio channels and trying to ignore the sounds of Clint losing it all over the cemented floor.

After a third bout of being sick, Clint was left dry-heaving and limp against the fever-warmed metal. Too shaky to even hold the water bottle that hadn’t left his side today, leaving it to fall below him too when he tried to grab it. Within minutes two medical technicians were helping him down from his nest. He felt so shaky and wrung out he didn’t even attempt to fight them over being taken out on a stretcher. He just laid on his side and curled in on himself as they pushed him past Hill and Fury, who was still cleaning himself up.

“Next time spare us the damn show and call it in before the firework finale, alright?”

“Got it.”

#sick clint barton #vomit tw #avengers sickfic #lmk what other tags yall want or need on this #this'll be a tumblr only fic tho i might revisit it and rewrite it for ao3 #so its a super fun surprise for you guys #also a throwback

23 notes · View notes

roguestarsailor · 5 years ago

Text

musing about life after one year since graduating from college (pt 1)

i just watched a video of this kid checking on her college admission statuses. she applied to like the big schools like uw, stanford, columbia, georgetown, ucla, and uchicago. and she got mostly waitlisted which was a bummer but also not completely hopeless.

seeing all her options though, i am just in awe and feeling a bit regretful. i think i wish i had applied to those schools as well. i didn’t hate that i went to my university but it wasn’t my top choice. it was an option. i am sad that i didn’t look at other schools though; i barely did my research and honestly i picked my schools cuz the other kids in my class talked up that school or they were schools I saw on tv (minus harvard, yale and princeton).

looking back, i wish i had tried harder in school. i wish i had gotten better test scores. i wish i had actively looked for schools that weren’t so local. i wish i had been real with what i actually wanted to do. i wish i had truly accepted the person that i am and not the person i wanted to be.

i realize that i was hell bend on being a computer science major. i wanted to do computer science. i thought i was good at computer science but in reality, i think i was average at best and didn’t work as hard as i should have to really develop my skills. i enjoyed it enough to get the job done. but i think it was because i loved the idea of being a computer scientist; being able to build these amazing systems that will revolutionize the industry. the reality was that i didn’t enjoy sitting in a chair for hours on end staring at a glowing screen debugging lines of code. i wasnt good with the theory behind it either (its cool but fuck data structures!!!!). i was always told i had a knack for using tech and putting together tech and throughout school i would be the one to help the teachers troubleshoot tech problems (i.e. turn it on and off, downloading software. how to use the software, etc) but that’s not really a science is it. my end goal of that CS degree would have been web design but having a CS degree wasn’t going to help with that.

im glad that i had design on my brain when i was a senior but i refused to think design was what i wanted to study. i did fall victim to the i’ll have a “real job” and do art on the side mentality (parents didnt say that to me but the internet did tho). i applied to all the schools that had a high ranking computer science program and a few of them accepted me for it. but if i had been real with myself, i would have looked at more schools. looked at schools that specialized in design. i would not have just laser focused on this one thing and to later realize oh I fucked up and I am actually bad at it*. maybe then my decision to go to my university would have been an actual choice rather than a ok i guess im going here *shrug* (ok money did play a big role but if i worked harder in school i could have gotten more scholarships and grants esp at those big schools mentioned above).

i think i am going to quit watching youtube. i cannot watch these young kids being so smart and educated and articulate and business savvy. i thought it would be fun to see how the kids these days are doing but holy shit i wish i was even half as good as they are.

school was such a big part of my life and it took up such a big part of my brain. and since ive been conditioned to think that being good in school = good in life, i believe that if i had done better i would have a better life or at least on my way to a thriving life i wanted. i realize today would be the anniversary of graduating from college. feeling a little bit nostalgic and feeling a little bit like i am still messing up and i still haven’t figured out what to do with myself.

but then again i had to go through the process to really know that i was not meant to be there. im glad i got that experience and was quicker to pivot before it was really was too late and i was stuck trying to pigeon hole myself into a thing that i did not end up liking. and i am in the same spot again; realizing that i am suppose to be somewhere else. don’t know where that is nor how to get there but this isn’t the place. i know it’s toxic to keep looking back and being regretful but im sad that i am not moving and all i can do is fantasize about Dream Me doing amazing things.

* March 1, 2019 will forever be scarred into my brain

#amandathoughts #mythoughts #college #graduating college thoughts #my hope is to one day look back at this and think i was too short sighted to see that i will end up being ok #yeah i have a lot of thoughts

0 notes

swampgallows · 7 years ago

Text

took a nap.

dreamed for the first time in a while. met a lot ofpeople in my dreams. “catie the clown from nickeoldeon’s spongebob squarepants”, she introduced herself, very mom-like, heavyset and nice to hug. a middle aged man was tagging along w her that we brought along making clumsy passes but she was flirting too. something like “guess what word i want you to wear?” (????) and she said “umm Z!” and he goes “nah you know that letter” and she was laughing. (????) met a dude in a mohawk pushing an empty wheelchair who went into a derelict looking building, we were playing and laughing in the alley, he asked us a question we couldnt answer then kind of mumbled to himself, “at least they have hair. im meeting a lot of good people here.” we heard a crash and popped in to see if he was okay, the apartment of the lobby was really cramped, dark, and seedy, but the middle-aged man in there followed us out and then that’s where i met him and ‘catie’. we left the building and turned around and saw two giraffes poking their heads out over the wall of what might have been the backyard? we smiled and waved at them, telling the mohawk guy (who i guess eventually came with us) to come over and look. he was shy but he finally did. there were other people at the wall who thought we were smiling and being silly toward them, then ducked their heads behind the wall. the giraffes kind of smiled at us, then stuck their black tongues out at the people who hid. we were all really nervous because apparently some kind of nuke had been launched or was talking of being launched, there was some sort of “nuclear notice” that had been pasted up everywhere. so we knew we were all going to die very soon but the friendliness i felt was genuine. there was just a tinge of melancholy, like “I wish this isnt what it took to bring people together”.

i havent been to my grandparents’ house in a long time. there is a space between the woodshop and the main house, backed up by the wall to the neighbor’s, that’s just a small empty patch of grass. next in my dream we had set up a big blanket fort there. i had made itmyself but my brother joined me later. i was trying to get reading done, or something. i felt very safe there, but also felt like i had made it so i could become safe. there was a part where i ws reading murals on wood panels, like they were giant advertisements made of canvas or something, but also were the walls of the fort. some detached voice , i dont recall everything now, was liek ‘we dont know yet beccause blizzard hasnt hired you yet’ and i rolled my eyes. the ceiling caved in due to some shitty little white puffy dog that jumped on top and i was pissed cuase i got trapped under all these blankets, but it reverted itself and xena was there. i saw her face and her eyes with great clarity and i could feel myself petting her. it was dark, like a nap, cozy, and warm, dimly lit from the waning light outside. i was with my dog in the blanket fort, eating oatmeal and scrambled eggs (in the same bowl, for some reason, and was told to put ketchup on the eggs, which i never do, and also did not go at all with the rest of the oatmeal. the eggs tasted like the oatmeal too, maple syrupy, and it was all a big mess. it was in a paper cup, like at an ice cream place, but it was warm and even though it wasnt very good all mixed together i could taste the individual flavors. so i was there with my dog in the blanket fort feeling safe.

that was my dream. the last time i had dreams this basic was back in 11th grade when my sleep disorder started really coming to a head and i wasnt getting much sleep at all, and then i wasnt eating either. i remember having a dream where i just sat down and calmly ate food and that was basically it. i just got to eat food and it tasted good. and i remember when we were reading about moments of prolonged high stress or trauma, how even the vocabulary of people’s dreams can become reduced, showing very direct basic images to fulfill waking needs, like it does with children. so it has things like a clean house, a safe place, a soft bed, eating candy or good food, etc. this dream just now was still pretty complex but compared to my other dreams it’s extremely basic. just wanting to be around friendly people, to get big warm hugs, to feel safe and secure, and petting my dog no less. didnt have to jump through many hoops of interpretation, as it were. i think everything is just surmounting now. the insane cramps, papou in the hospital, having to solve my medical, not having a job or knowing when i can get a new one or what i should do, just my life generally being a mess. im so fucking tired all the time i can barely even play video games. i played hots so much yesterday because i had to do something that wasnt focusing on the pain, and i had a stimpack so it gave me a ‘reason’ to.

i was driving with my dad yesterday because we were going to get a rat to feed topaz. my mom “has been meaning to” do it for like a week, just like she was “meaning to” take me to see papou until he called up, barely able to speak, and said “get me out of here”. if he hadnt done that i wouldnt have seen him, nor, do i think, would they have gone the extra push to get him out of the hospital. shit just kept going wrong. id been meaning to write about this for a few days, since it happened. i had been wanting to see papou again since i got back from my trip, because i was leaving shortly before his surgery and i wanted to tell him about it and show him pics when i got back. when i walked into the room he looked so bright, and i immediately walked over and held his hand. a nurse was dealing with his IV or something and he said to her “This one is my favorite. She’s a genius.” i’m among five grandkids and my papou always brags about us but this is the first time i’ve heard him say i’m his favorite. or to specify a favorite at all. and especially because i’m the least accomplished of the other four grandkids. the three are in line to be lawyers, all within in my uncle’s (my papou’s son) firm. my sister is back on track to becoming a teacher, interning at our middle school and passing all the credential tests, or whatever it is. all i do is stupid cartoons and try not to fucking kill myself. i went to college basically at the behest of my family and i’ve only ever had one real job, which was retail. i volunteered at the arts center and stuff when i was a teenager but while i was in most of high school and in college i didnt do shit. i only ever left my dorm to go to class or raves. i barely fed myself. i was so fucking depressed and just meeting all the wrong people left and right. one time my mom told me, “you know, the only grandchild papou has a picture of in his wallet is you.” he talks SO much about “the grandkids”, how we have “more degrees than people”, for which he is very proud. i’m doing nothing but keeping my head above water—and barely that—but i walk in and he announces i’m his favorite, and a genius.

before i left, he said to me, which he’s said to all of us before at one point or another—”you are my legacy”. my papou was an engineer and a war hero, jumping out of planes and getting purple hearts touring north africa during world war ii. how am i supposed to uphold that?

so, anyway, i was driving with my dad, or rather sitting in the car w my dad, he was driving. i told him i had been driving a little, “even though mom thinks i just sit in my room all day.” “yeah, and ‘i think’ all she does is sleep all day,” he says mockingly. i laughed. nervously. we get to our usual pet store and they dont have any large rats. topaz is 7 feet long. she needs the biggest rats we can find. technically she should be on bunnies but i cant stomach that, nor do we feel like hiring a handler (legally you have to. nobody sells ‘feed bunnies’.) so we call up some other places. we end up having to drive across town which takes an hour at 4pm, and i tell dad “well they might have more on monday, the guy said,” and dad said, “No, this is what we’re doing. because who knows what that guy knows. we could show up monday and there still aren’t any. so it’s a little more work, but i said i was going to get a rat today, and i’m going to do it. we’re not gonna rely on what that guy says. see, this is what you have to do; you have to take matters into your own hands. You follow through. This is what I always have to do; it’s my job. I follow through for people.”

i wish my dad was around more, just in general. he works so often that he’s basically inaccessible but we all rely on him for everything because he makes the money, which is why he’s never around. my mom works for him and, little harsh here, but is useless when it comes to executing tasks without any pressure (so guess where we all got it from). we talked about her for a little bit. essentially, my dad is the reason anything ever happens. my mom, nowadays, is the reason nothing happens. she pushes things away hoping they’ll just disappear, i guess. i see it a lot in myself and i hate it. i hate feeling as helpless as she does and i hate having to rely on someone helpless like her because my dad is always gone doing the ‘heavy lifting’ like making sure we can all be alive.

not to be fucking predictable but i want to be reliable. i want to follow through. like my dad.

any dad, really.

#blathering #dreams

2 notes · View notes

mamonthemoon · 6 years ago

Text

So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

0 notes

pbandjesse · 7 years ago

Photo

I fell asleep! I sort of knew that was going to happen so I set an alarm for 8pm but still. I’m exhausted. I better not be getting sick. Half the people at work have a cold. But I might also just be regular tired. Today was tough because of that. I did t even stay up very late last night. I almost slept in this morning and missed my alarm but my internal clock is very good and I got up on time. I had actually woken up at 5 and put the heat on, remembered to open the bathroom door even so it got warmed up too. Which made getting ready much better. And despite feeling a little scatter shot I had time to make an omelet. I did burn my finger a little bit nothing that even left a mark so it’s all fine. I got to work one minute late again. Not that anyone cares but I still hate it. Got right to work on some art. But I was very tired and had a log of trouble focusing. So I forgot steps for the first couple pieces and had to redo stuff. Like I forgot to put points into some art and didnt remember until after the dust jacket was on. So I,had to redo dust jackets at least with 2 pieces. But it was fine. I was more careful after that. I listened to a really interesting 2 part series on Donald Trump on the dollop podcast and was just absolutely horrifed by who he is as a person even more then I was before. And I highly recommend listening to it. Its about 3 hours total but it’s worth it. I sent links to my dad but he didn’t answer me. Which only worries me because I have anxiety not because I actually think anything is wrong. But also what if! That’s the aniexty talking which is also telling me it’s being very reasonable but I’m also very tired so it’s worse. I actually had to stop writing this and text my mom and see if everything was okay. Ugh. The rest of the day went fine enough though. Niky came in for her last shift working on her big project. It’s not actually finished but like there’s insurance drama and so they decided to only pay for half of the 800 pieces until further notice. It’s above,my pay grade. But I’m learning a lot about how insurance works. But because it was her last day Laura brought in cupcakes for us. And they were amazing. I had a pumpkin spice one and the frosting was to die for. I kept snacking all day just to try to keep myself awake. I did get to do some editing today which was fun. And I worked on some “real art” which is always more stressful but is also fun. I got to tell the story about how I found some of my own art at a thrift store. And show Laura and Mike some of my work on my website. And that was really nice. I really wish I could have worked on some art today but I just couldn’t. I got the early bus so I was home a couple minutes before 530. There was a woman in my bus scolding someone for popping her gum and I was sure there was going to be a fight but it settled down. I made dinner. And held Sweetp. I thought I would watch some tv and then work on some stuff but I just couldn’t get up. Then I slept for over an hour. And I’m going to go back to sleep now. Wash my face first. I hope I’m not so tired tomorrow. I will plan on making some art tomorrow night. Sketch up some pieces at least. I hope you all sleep well tonight. Stay safe.

#ootd #food #same sweater at yesterday #tired #nap #wensday

4 notes · View notes

somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

Text

“ill see you in a few days ....*strawberry fields plays in the background* and remember, nothing is real so dont let anything get you down.”

we did not speak openly about his trip because i think we are both still traumatized from the last one. instead of rehashing the anxieties, i think we silently agreed to just prepare for it and act the best way possible to make this as easy as possible. so we did not focus on his leaving. he didnt make it seem like he wasnt comng back. he didnt make me feel any way about our relationship and tht we _have_ a relationship. he didnt make me feel any way about the fact im poor and hes been supporting me this month so i obviously will need some assistance when hes gone and he helped me in whatever i asked for. if i asked for more, i think he wouldve given it to me but i still need to like “feel” my “independence”. i dont think i should be wholly supported because thats too dangerous. ive been there and as “easy” as it is - this is where you end up. and i want to know this so deep in my soul that i never do it again. so even though it “sucks”, it’s right to have a little suffering. it’s a very like.. monk-esque experience, maybe i’m “choosing” to suffer a little more than i would need to because it’s true - what if i didnt have benefits, wht if i had no friends? what if the world just goes to complete shit world war 3? what then?

so kudos to me for surviving and like.. supporting my depression and my self. i do suck but i am alive. i literally would not believe like.. 5 yrs ago that i would be alive in this scenario but i am.

the only reference to the struggle of him leaving was this comment - nothing is real, so dont let it get you down. and like.. maybe for the next few days it’s okay to just breathe and let it go - whatever it is, to get through. he’s coming back, things will return to normal and we’ll power through the coming months. i deal with bad drug trips the same way - nothing is real so dont take it seriously. maybe thats something to learn from myself. i already have that skill and thats literal chemicals in my body. i dont sit an cry to other people, freak out - i just like tantrically tell myself that it’s just the drugs. it’s not real. i hope i’mokay this weekend. i really do. but if im not i hope i get the chance to try this method - nothing is real in anxiety. and it’s okay because eventually at some point it will pass. it does not last forever. its not like default setting of the brain.

i almost cried but then i did not cry. and thats pretty good for me. like even though it sounds like im 7, emotionally i am very 7. and i have to raise my inner emotional child into the physical adult that i am so today i am not going to judge the fact that my inner self is 7 but instead pat it on the back for not cryng and putting on the big girl pants.

tonight im going out to sell jewelry at a show which is very proactive in many ways and i’m proud of myself for this as well. and for the past two days where i “prepared” by building new / different connections and focusing on different projects. tomorrow i am going to take a day trip downtown - possibly by bike but if i can earn money tonight, i might bus some of it but i’m going to see another friend and hang out; just hang out. not business, not art, just nice relaxing soul soothing hanging out. on sunday i want to go for a beginning of fall bike ride - i realized it was becoming fall out of nowhere.

that leaves just monday and tuesday, which is not bad. i have anxiety about running out of weed. i really really dont like to be sober. i even risked grabbing more weed when i probably shouldnt have. im hoping something random and spontaneous comes up on monday or tuesday to fill the day but maybe by sunday ill be mentally open to working on my personal projects.

i have lingering on going anxiety about being accepted for disabilty. what if the doctor is wrong? people get denied all the time. the accepted knowledge is having to apply many times - what if thats me? i keep trying not to “hope” for the changes itll bring. like i want to look ahead and dream of a future like the doctor sells me but if i dont get it then what happens? everyhthing remains the same and i have to just pick up my shit and keep going, like every other failure. i dont know if i can do it. i still let the thoughts creep in - i can move. i can replace my dingy old dishes and cookware. i can buy a new couch, have a kitchen table.buy groceries - good groceries, with good storage for left overs and spices. i can invite people to my place. my cats can feel comfortable and i wont have to worry about them. i wont live like im in a dorm room. i can travel. i can make and print things with my art. and thats just the immediate effect. imagine this stability everyday. ive almost never had that in 12 -13 years. and by myself! freedom! choice!

it’s like dory. but instead of swimming it’ smoking. just keep smoking. just keep smoking. get to the next day. one of these days will be _the_ day. i just really hope hes right. i really hope this isnt all set up to get shit on again. i want better medication. i want more access and health coverage. maybe i’m a whiny first world bitch - if i was in the third world ‘d be dead already. maybe i dont deserve it. but i live here. and this is my option for survival because suicide in the first world is seen as trivial. “couldve been worse”

i cleaned this morning. atleast a little bit - got rid of the very old dishes and cleaned the litter and garbages. tidied my own room. theres still things that need to be done, but i guess i’m “saving it” for later so i can continue to feel like i have things i could do. trthfully i want to go back to sleep - smoke weed, watch catfish (it’s become our thing and i love it, watching on my own brings a comfort) then shower and prepare for the show in he afternoon. i want to straighten my hair - he spent forty minutes brushng it because i let it get really bad to the point i couldnt just condition it out and it was overwhelming and depressing but its back to normal and i have to wonder if he mentioned that my hair was nice a few times to try and help promote the idea of caring for it because it could easilly go to shit in 5 days. if i straighten it, i’ll get a good 3 - 4 days out of it even if i dont shower. it still feels like a huge task and i feel like the length is gradually becoming a burden but i want it so bad even if it looks like shit sometimes due to my own neglect.

0 notes

comicteaparty · 6 years ago

Text

March 28th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on March 28th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on Daemon by Akreampuff.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Daemon by Akreampuff~! (http://daemon.smackjeeves.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

my favorite scene is probably the one where billie transforms. this is largely due to it overcoming my expectations, cause a lot of transformation sequences are graceful or maybe even silly. even when demons are involved whether the demons be bad or good. this one though? this one looks terrifying to go through and i love. its such a cool illustrated scene too between the transitional effects and other sorts of kind of magical effects going around. http://daemon.smackjeeves.com/comics/2477610/page-25/

another scene i really enjoyed was the boat scene, specifically when the banter picks up. i appreciate that billie is not willing to trust zeke, but i also like how chill zeke is. i think it really shows off zeke's character in particular since it seems pretty clear hes empathizing with the situation.

mathtans

Made it. I was gonna ask if you meant the transformation forwards or back, so I'm glad you put in the reference. Neither seem all that fun.

I rather liked when the door blew out due to the fire, sending Billie out into the tree. And I mean "like" as in it got to me, not "oh, that looks fun".

The boat and banter was kinda cool. I mostly liked it for the way it could slip in exposition elements in an entertaining way.

RebelVampire

billie getting blown out of the house was a pretty said moment. although i did like this one page where its just debris and her hand http://daemon.smackjeeves.com/comics/2477607/page-22/ maybe im just a sucker for glass debris, but i really loved how it kind of slowed the moment so you could take in what just happened and then the next page really shows that hit and land(edited)

that is also true about the boat scene. the banter was a good balance to keep the exposition entertaining

mathtans

Right, that's the page just after the one I was thinking of. But that was good too, I kind of pictured her as reaching for her mum but being blown back through the window.

I feel so bad for the mum. I think she was in it just enough to create some empathy. Part of me wonders if Dad came back and accidentally started the fire.

RebelVampire

now that would just be tragic. dad sneezes and whoops, suddenly fire

although

tbf

we never see a dead body

maybe the mom is alive

and she started the fire!

mathtans

It's true. I wonder if maybe mum is alive but could even be kidnapped or something... um, or that? She smoke, maybe? ^.^

Fire could also have been started by that other watcher, the one working with Zeke but that Zeke said he couldn't find. Maybe he went rogue.

RebelVampire

that could be. i mean right now just being disappeared kind of makes them the prime suspect

but yeah if theres one thing stories have taught

its never believe someone is dead until you see both their dead body and ghost

so i consider it highly possible the mom wasnt in the fire

doesnt even have to have been kidnapped. maybe she was at the late night store getting milk

mathtans

I wonder if ghosts exist. We only know vampires don't (which was kind of funny as stated).

Everyone probably thinks Billie died in the fire either way.

RebelVampire

yeah im really curious how she expects to just go back. cause shes been gone long enough that someone probably noticed the fire and investigated and made assumptions. or for one of the supposed victims to turn up out of the blue is the height of suspicion

it screams murder or for the insurance money

mathtans

People already didn't seem to like her, so this won't help either. Poor kid.

RebelVampire

yeah tbf i also dont get why she wants to go back

she didnt have any friends

and i didnt get the feeling she had some sort of extended family either

which i mean maybe she hasnt considered it cause shes in shock and being grumpy

QUESTION 2. Overall, it’s very obvious Billie has a lot on her plate regarding her newfound demonic lineage. Emotionally, how do you think Billie will come to deal with her situation, both in regards to her heritage and her mother being dead? How long do you think it’ll take her to adjust (if ever)? Do you feel Billie will endeavor to learn to control her newfound powers after Zeke shows her some more? Or, do you feel Billie will return “home” and try to pretend everything is normal at first? Assuming Billie learns at some point, what sorts of things do you think she’ll learn power wise? Speaking of home, what do you think Billie is going to do in regards to that? Overall, how do you see Billie just dealing with the new situation in general?

mathtans

Could just be a fear of the unknown. And she had that one blonde friend. Kinda.

I feel like one of the things Billie will ask eventually is where's Dad hanging out. I'm not sure if that will help her adjust but I think it'll help her sort some things out.

RebelVampire

yeah im surprised insofar shes not the least bit curious about her dad. especially cause her dad must be well known since those medical daemons knew of him.

enough to even say like father like daughter basically

i feel like for a while, billie might emotionally not deal with. like especially if she stays in the caves, its a lot easier to put the events out of mind. or more i mean she might deal with the demon elements and come to accept that, but i think theres other things shell avoid and not hit her till later

like the fact she has no house

mathtans

I mean, she thought her dad was just some guy, there's still the need to adjust to that.

Also might not immediately want to meet the guy who's supposedly part of this hybrid breeding program.

Yeah. I wonder if the caves are fireproof. Feels like she might have fire issues later.

RebelVampire

actually if her powers wind up being fire related, that has huge implications she started it. and i would hate to be her in the moment she realizes she caused it.

mathtans

Oooh. Like, unconsciously? That would suck. Unless someone watching her decided to start it to make her think she started it.

RebelVampire

that would be devious

but not impossible

especially if powers are somewhat inherited and her dad is the big fire guy or something

maybe what will inspire billie to meet her dad is anger. like in the sense she needs someone to lash out, and hes the secret demon father who made her and gave her demon blood and sort of got her into the situation.

mathtans

Maybe the police will investigate and she can get a report to figure out how it all started. She might not be related to fire though, maybe she has powers of just making people uncomfortable, like she did to her classmates.

Maybe. Or maybe she meets him as a trainer and doesn't realize who he is until later.

RebelVampire

actually thatd be a really interesting way to have him introduced

have him just there upfront the whole time

and then surprise

ya know, i hope the uncomfortable thing is her powers and not just her heritage in general.

cause if all daemons make ppl uncomfortable, theres a huge question of why

cause that stands in contrast to the nicer image zeke wanted to paint of them

mathtans

I'd say Satan was her father except I'm pretty sure Satan's a lady. Either that or the cliffhanger is that there's a librarian.

RebelVampire

somewhat off topic, but i really liked that one page on the boat that was all blue and white while zeke was talking about the daemons actually being good. the palette really made them see ethereal, but i like the contrast of how real colors make them look. like without that blue colored glass as it were, its kind of easy to see why someone would hmm if theyre good or bad.

yeah i kind of get the impression satan is that lady too

cause zeke did purposefully not use pronouns that i noticed

mathtans

Zeke may have his own rose coloured glasses too, mind.

Oh, that's cool. I'm not always good at picking up on art stuff.

I did have a look at the link to the time lapse video on the colouring of one of the pages... interesting how it was flipped horizontally at a couple points, I've never thought of doing that.

Actually, lots of the bonus stuff is pretty fun. Like Zeke's alternate magical transformation, or the 100th page breaking the 4th wall.

Maybe Satan is also the librarian.

RebelVampire

well zeke did say satan is just a title

so satan is the job title given to their librarians

i really loved that bonus page with zeke's alternate magical transformation

it was a good, silly addition in some serious moments

QUESTION 3. Vaguely, Zeke mentions that the hybrids were created because daemons needed something from humans. What do you think this thing daemons need is? Will Billie like the answer when she finds out, or is it going to be something that horrifies her? Why are the daemons so desperate they’d even create a breeding program to get it? The comic also talks a bit about the history of daemons. What do you think was said and done in the past to create such a negative view of daemons? What was even the purpose of making them so hated? Also, who was even the main perpetrator of these distortions? Ultimately, how do you believe both the history and the creation of hybrids will play into the story and the daemons’ goals?

mathtans

Interesting, I guess part of me just thought what they needed was love and attention. But maybe there's something in the genes.

As to the negative view, probably propaganda by cults. Maybe a jilted ex-lover.

RebelVampire

maybe it is love. i mean i dont consider it impossible. though i also would be concerned why daemons cant produce love naturally cause that has horrible implications

maybe humans are better magical conduits or something

idk why thatd be

but its the only thing i can think of

or maybe daemons have longer or immortal lifespans and they need some good ol' mortality

since the comic description mentions theres gonna be fighting angels

maybe only humans can fight angels

but they made hybrids cause plain ol' humans are too weak

but speaking of angels, i assume the propaganda was theres. which i mean, if all daemons make ppl uncomfortable, it was probably easy to manipulate the world that way

cause of course youd assume ppl who make you uncomfy were evil

although

if i go with humans kill angels thing, it makes sense why theyd do it. cause if humans dont like daemons anymore, there will be no alliance

mathtans

(Sorry, back) Yeah, it's weird unless they need a surplus or something... oh, right, magic. Hum, that's an idea.

Maybe a daemon can only be killed by a hybrid or something. They need one to go on a quest. Or the angel fight's a good one too.

Maybe the daemons have signed something like that they won't do stuff to angels, and so their hands are tied now that some angels have gone rogue. I wonder if there's half angels too.

Oooh. Maybe only hybrids can breed with angels?

RebelVampire

that could be.

i never considered thered be hybrid angels

if there are i feel doubly bad for humans

no matter what are the puppets

mathtans

Instead of horns and tails they grow wings. Very inconvenient as far as shirts go.

I wonder if there's some actual humans who can do magic, or only hybrids.

Also, their program can't be too successful if they've only managed under 10 in something like 20+ years.

RebelVampire

i got more the impression was that they wanted to start small

which either suggests 1) they really dont know much about the risks or what the consequences are so made a small sample size or 2) theyre afraid of there being too many hybrids

mathtans

Hmm, I suppose that could be too. Though seemingly they weren't sure if anything would even manifest, so maybe their sample was larger than we give credit for.

RebelVampire

im really curious if the blond friend is a hybrid somehow. especially since she didnt mind billie at all

mathtans

I wondered about that, but with so few of them, it'd be a bit of a coincidence.(edited)

Unless they're all from the same region on Earth or something, I guess. (Maybe she's an angel?)

It'd cut against the grain, an angel who likes to skip class and show up late and stuff.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Besides the history of daemons, there are a few other mysteries floating about. Who do you think burnt down Billie’s house and for what goal? Was Zeke really not involved? Could it have been another daemon? How do you think Billie’s mother even ended up with a daemon? Did Billie’s mother really not know he was a daemon? Alternatively, if she knew, why didn’t she tell Billie? Do you think Billie will get to meet her father? If so, how do you foresee that going? Additionally, how do you think it will go when Billie meets the other hybrids? Will she find newfound friends, or is she doomed to be alone? In general, what future events do you see happening in the comic?

they could be from the same region. maybe theres something in the water. but tbh it could just be a coincidence. i dont see why not.

mathtans

Maybe the shocking twist is, Billie's mom was actually an angel! And nobody knew!

I'm kinda curious to see the other hybrids. The author must have kinda figured them out, they were shown in silhouette early on.

Iris

just wanted to quickly say that this seems like a super cool chat, I'm really hoping that I'll be less busy during the next one and be able to get more involved ;o;

mathtans

Heya Iris. We all have our busy times, early March chewed me up.

RebelVampire

hoping it works out too! we'd definitely love to have you, @Iris ~!

yeah i really want to see the hybrids too

but mostly cause new charas

to see billie interact with

Iris

ty! gonna check what next week's comic is

RebelVampire

and have fun

mathtans

I'm curious about the designs, since they all look different. Which is a real interesting way to go on that. (Also, seems Billie lucked out in terms of her armour.)

RebelVampire

@Iris its kamikaze https://kamikazeanimated.com/comic/

yeah im kind of for the theory billie's mom was an angel just cause it seems convenient she got such nice armour

Iris

thanks!!

RebelVampire

i really hope we get to learn how billie's mother ended up with a daemon. cause im really banking on the fact that she probably knew.

cause the lie she told billie seems sort of vague and convenient(edited)

mathtans

I hadn't considered that. (Tinder?)

Iris

(demon tinder. cinder)

mathtans

"There's finally dating apps. Project hybrid is a go."

RebelVampire

appropriate name given the fire themes XD

plot twist: daemons invented dating apps

Iris

makes sense

mathtans

Heh. Maybe they've got a tech area.

So, Billie and Zeke... do we ship them? The conversational bits about being a cat make me think yes. But of course, I prefer to ship Billie with the BadGirl (tm), because of how I prefer yuri.

RebelVampire

idk if i ship billie and zeke yet. im not sure i trust zeke. not cause i think hes up to something, but he seems creepily loyal to the daemons to the point i wouldnt trust him to have unbiased decision making

mathtans

Billie hasn't totally trusted him for that reason though, so I feel like the lampshading makes it possible. Though if he's meant to be her mentor/trainer, maybe not.

Kinda related, maybe Billie will want to stay just because everyone around now won't have that bad vibe she gave to the other students.

Also, there's books.

RebelVampire

yeah i did kind of feel that will be a motivating factor

that now she has a chance to make friends

and not be alone

and i kind of feel that fact will make her stay for a bit "just to see what its all about"

and then shell come ot feel they are family like zeke said

but im also curious how the hybrids in general are treated in the society

cause i do worry theyre getting the useful tool treatment

mathtans

You need to make sure they're plugged in at night. Or they lose their charge.

(Billie's lucky, she doesn't have a tail, so doesn't need to charge up. Zeke, on the other hand...)

RebelVampire

billie is one of the fancy wireless ones you just put on the stand

mathtans

She's her own action figure.

Seriously though, yeah, I wonder if all of them are as chill about things as Zeke. Also, I wonder if anyone else is being monitored out there.

RebelVampire

yeah thatd be an interesting situation for billie to be in

having to monitor some other hybrid

which emotionally i dont feel will go over well for her

mathtans

Maybe she'll have to monitor BadGirl with the ponytail. And I get my ship.

I wonder if any of the other short forms for Satan will get used. ("Actually, my name's Stan. Someone added another 'a'.")

RebelVampire

maybe.

mathtans

Well, all the best to Billie then. Hope her next transformation goes smoother. (Oh, I also liked the whole "and then she died" gag, heh.)

RebelVampire

although now im wondering if satan is actually an angel or if this comic split lucifer and satan

mathtans

Ooh, that's a good question too.

RebelVampire

i guess well find out eventually tho. darn angel propaganda

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Akreampuff, as well, for making Daemon. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Akreampuff’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: http://daemon.smackjeeves.com/

Akreampuff’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AkreampuffArt

Akreampuff’s Etsy Store: https://www.etsy.com/au/shop/AkreampuffArt

Akreampuff’s Twitter https://twitter.com/Akreampuff

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #daemon #akreampuff

0 notes