#i cut a whole section of this meta that compares ashton's reaction to his disability

[mysticalspiders]

Imogen and Invisible Illness

I’ve been ruminating on making a post like this for a while but have never been sure exactly what I wanted to say. But I’ve read some great Imogen meta and meta of the Bell’s Hells in general that has really inspired me to make this post (particularly this post by @darkdisrepair, this post by @funscarylaudna, and this post by @sparring-spirals )

I have never related to a critical role character (and possibly any character) more than I have Imogen. So much of her characterization and details resonate with me on such a deep level. There are probably many reasons for this but I think a big one is that Imogen and her dreams/constant press of people’s thoughts are a good representation of invisible, chronic illness that I think hasn’t been portrayed before (or isn’t portrayed very often, especially in fantasy). 

Imogen resonates with me, particularly as someone who has invisible, chronic illnesses that affect me physically and mentally and has experienced first hand the complected relationship between physical and mental pain.

The way Laura has subtly played both the acceptance of Imogen’s dreams/mind-reading abilities coupled with the desire to learn more and understand and potentially cure (?) them mixed with some of the harsh realities of Imogen’s life (difficulty with crowds, drinking having a negative effect on her health, etc) has been so accurate to my own personal experience. The struggle between feeling the burden of her mind reading/dreams and the acceptance of it. 

The difficulty Imogen has in expressing her need for space away from crowds and how she quietly sacrifices her health for the sake of the group (the ball, bars, etc). 

Imogen’s isolation in being the only one able to experience what she is experiencing and unable to find someone (so far) who truly understands what she goes through (this particularly being heightened by Imogen’s ability to understand what others are going through so much more than others threw her abilities).

The moment that hit me right in the chest was the line “I removed my mask and I'm standing over on the side, hand against the wall, just breathing.” It was played partly as a joke but I have been here before, I have done this. 

Not to mention, the hints of her relationship with her father and his reaction to her powers “It was hard for him, you know? Because I didn't want to be around very many people, and... he just kind of-- distanced himself because he knew it made me more comfortable, and... you know, the people in town started talking, and I think he tried to distance himself socially as well for a while to try to, you know. Not his fault, totally.” When she says these lines I know exactly what she’s talking about because this has been me. When I am my most sick I find it hard to be social and talk to people and so I distance myself from my family and friends and my family and friends distance themselves from me. 

I also have so many feelings about Imogen and Laudna’s connection and friendship and the way the Laudna supports Imogen through this lens (her acceptance of Imogen has she is, her advocacy for Imogen, her calm, grounded support and help). Laudna supports Imogen in such a beautiful way that grounds without minimizing, supports without pitying, listens without judgment or expectation. 

In fact, I think this party as a whole have a lot characters that could be read through chronic illness/disability/neurdivergent lenses. I’m particularly thinking of Imogen, with her telepathic mind and terrible headaches, and Ashton with their jeweled head. But FCG with their unusual body (?) and mind and Laudna with her undeadness fit into this reading and metaphor to a lesser extent as well.

This meta is a mess because I don’t really have much more to say than that I love Imogen and that Imogen might be the character I have most related to in my life and that I have never felt more seen. The representation of invisible illness has been wonderful and I am desperately excited to see how it develops across the rest of this campaign.