#i couldnt save him from being hospitalized permanently

[somnolent-scout]

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[mywalkintofreedom]

Life at West Main Street - part 1

We’ve been doing some work around the house lately. We painted some walls, and hung some new pictures, got a new light fixture... stuff like that. I’ve always found it very important to make our home my sanctuary. I have to change things around every now and then too, just to change the scenery. As a stay at home mom it’s important to me that I feel comfortable in the space I’m in.

I can’t help but think back to the first place we ever moved into together back in 2014. It was a small one bedroom apartment, it smelled like cigarette smoke, it had no central heat or air and was a shared building with 3 other apartments. It was what we could afford at that time, and I say that with a wink, because we moved into this place using our last money to pay for the down payment not knowing where the rent was going to come from, as Micah did not have a permanent job yet. We also couldn’t afford to turn on the water or power yet, but we chose to be grateful that we found a place to live and trusted God to work out the rest. It was nothing like I had pictured in my mind as we were dreaming up our life. BUT, let me tell you this, it was the most life changing season of my life living there. This little apartment became my sanctuary, and the many months that we lived here became some of our most treasured memories as a newly wed couple. It became the foundation of our marriage, the foundation of how we decided to raise our kids and really just the foundation of our journey together. We learned lessons and foundational things there that we will bring with us for the rest of our life.

We had plans to move out as soon as we could, but reality pretty soon showed that this was going to be home for awhile and that this would be the home that we would have our first baby in.

You would think that the environment was the hardest part of living here, but it wasn’t. While it was certainly a struggle the smell, the dysfunctions and interesting neighbors, the greatest struggle presented itself as how I like to recall it “being stripped of every comfort I’d ever known”. This meant, not having internet, not having a tv and not having a phone and not having people to contact or call.

The first day Micah went to work a full day, I remember clear as day, sitting on a desk chair that someone had given us, in an empty apartment, in the dark (it was a cloudy day and the place had very little natural light). I had no idea what time he would come home, because we had no way of contacting each other. All we had was this desk chair and our suitcases with clothes (which half of mine didn’t fit me because I was pregnant) and an air mattress that we slept on. I sat there probably for an hour that first day, with my hand on my belly feeling our baby move, tears dripping down my face, thinking about what I could possibly do with myself for the entire day. This continued to be the biggest struggle I woke up with every day, what am I going to do today? The first months, all I could think about was moving out. But as the weeks went by there was no way we would be able to move on to something else. It felt like being dropped off on a deserted island. In a way it was similar. I had no way of contacting people, and I was in a country that was not my own. Every day I counted down the minutes until Micah would come home, which were a lot of minutes when you start counting in the morning. Any time he came home all was well. We would light candles and play card games all night. This was after he would have made us dinner on our one pit burner, which would take more than an hour usually, because you could only heat one thing at a time. It really didn’t take long until our apartment was furnished. We had different people donate things to us, a lot of items are still part of our home and in a way sentimental to me.

For the first while we didn’t have a fridge. This was challenging, but it was winter so this helped a little. We had a box that we would put our milk in, and maybe two or three other items we had, and we would put this outside between our front door and screen door. I remember some days being out and about and we would be watching the temperature, because what if our meat would get too warm!? (I also had some fear that our neighbors would steal the box😂) We did have some precious meat spoil one time and it was hard, I mean I think I cried. Eventually someone asked us if we could use a mini fridge, which remained our fridge for the entire time we lived there. The only down side to this fridge was that it didn’t fit an ice cream container in the tiny freezer section at the top😭 (the freezer section also didn’t have a way of closing so we closed it with a piece of cardboard😂). But in the end that was okay, because we really couldn’t afford ice cream anyways.

Since I’m talking about food, this is also what I meant with “being stripped of every comfort you’ve ever known”. We had a $20 food budget a week in this season. Going and buying whatever you feel like eating really wasn’t an option. I remember one night sitting on the floor in front of our tiny little pantry, crying, because I just wanted to eat some chocolate so bad. I know that sounds crazy, (do keep it mind I was also pregnant😉) but when you can always buy whatever you feel like buying you don’t know what it’s like when you can’t.

Our biggest arguments we ever had in our early marriage days were about... food... and what to buy. We were total opposites, my brain told me we should be buying the cheapest of the cheapest, well mister Huff wanted to buy organic chicken with our $20 food budget. I honestly could kill him for it and thought he was insane. Then we’d have an argument about me being too loud protesting in the store. His intentions were honest and pure, he wanted the very best for me and our unborn child. We eventually met in the middle, and I’ve learned not to loudly start arguments in the meat aisle. While we had very little to spend, we never felt poor. We calculated everything to a T before we went shopping and eventually knew the prices by heart, and became pretty smart in our shopping. We made the best meals with what we had. We ate meat maybe 2-3 times a week and did beans on the other days. We didn’t really eat snacks, just an apple at some point of the day. We paid everything with cash (which we have done up until just a few months ago! But we still don’t own a credit card). Any change we’d get, we would save up and buy an ice cream cone with at the end of the week at Dairy Queen. If we had a really good week, we’d be able to buy a blizzard, which felt like a celebration.

While going through the literal purification of my life, we also had a lot of unknowns. How were we going to bring a baby into the world? The hospital wasn’t an option because I wasn’t eligible for health insurance, because I didn’t have my green card yet. Speaking of which, I also feared the green card police would knock on my door and deport me, for real, which was probably a little dramatic. We saved every little bit of money we could to pay for a midwife, and pay for the green card application.

Through all of these changes, I was getting used to living in a very different country than my own. They call immigrants, aliens, and that’s often how I felt. I had visited the United States often before I officially moved there, and I loved the country, but living here proved to be more of a culture shock than I knew it would be. There were so many small details I had to learn about the culture, the language and the country. There were times that it caused anxiety.

I remember one particular time our church was doing “family fun Saturdays”. It was just a way of fellowshipping together. I was actually quite excited about this, because I didn’t have any fellowship throughout the week and missed my family a lot. Micah worked Saturday morning and after he was done we left. When we got there and we walked into a room full of people anxiety hit me, but I was okay, because Micah was right next to me. Well next thing I knew, the guys were going to do a sports game outside, Micah left and I was left alone in a room full of people. This really wouldn’t be a big deal, but anxiety overtook and I got immensely afraid and panicked. I left as quick as I could and went to our little car. We were parked in kind of an open spot where other cars were arriving, I was so afraid of seeing people and having to converse that I sat down curled up on the floor of the car in front of the front seat. I couldnt help but cry uncontrollably because I just was so afraid of conversing with people and that someone would see me and I was thinking to myself “what have I become”? Social anxiety was something I had struggled with before, but never ever in my life to the extent I was experiencing that day.

Speaking of cars, I do feel like I should probably tell you about our 1997 Toyota Corolla. How did we ever end up with a car when we had no money? That’s a good question. It was presented to us to buy the car for $600 at the very beginning of our journey, but we denied, because we didn’t have any money. The car was given to us. Before we had this car we were walking everywhere.

When I was 27 weeks pregnant we prayed and reached out to a midwife that was willing to accept us and decided that the only way we were going to be able to receive prenatal care was to have a home birth with a midwife. During our first meeting with her we went over the cost and when we left we discussed it and we really had no idea how we were going to pay her. It was going to be about $3000. After a lot of praying we both came to the conclusion that the only way we’d be able to pay her was if we could take out a loan. We didn’t like having to do this, but we also couldn’t go without the proper care for me and our baby.

We decided to go to the bank, and that’s where we met Frank. We sat down in front of Frank and we explained what we needed the loan for. He asked us if we had any collateral. Micah and I looked at each other, I whispered “what is collateral?” and then we looked at Frank. Micah answered, well, we have a 1997 Toyota Corolla. Frank said, “okay let’s see it”. We had parked it right in front of the bank. The two front fenders and the hood of the car were black, as it had never been painted white after a replacement like the rest of the car. The grill and the Toyota logo in the front were missing. Micah and I joked constantly that it looked like a car with a toothless smile. When we walked out, “corey” as we named him, was right in front of Frank, but Frank was looking right over it looking for our car. Then Micah said “this is him, pointing at our car, this is the toothless wonder”. Frank looked at it and made some notes on a note pad, we went back inside (meanwhile Micah and I really had to hold our laughs because it was hysterical). After Frank got done writing some things down and asking some questions he said “well, I can give you about $1200 for a loan”. It wasn’t the amount that we needed, but it was something so we took it. We left the bank and laughed often about the story of Frank and the “toothless wonder”. We were able to give our midwife $1200 up front, and paid her and the bank off as soon as we could possibly could.

It is around the same time that we realized that we were definitely not going to be able to move anywhere else until we had paid off this loan, the rest of the cost of the midwife, and gotten everything paid to get me a green card. I made a decision to stop thinking about “the next step”. Often we live with the mentality, “if I can just reach this or that, then I will be happy”. Always thinking about the “best best thing”. My mentality had been “if I can just move somewhere else I can start to be happy”. I learned a huge lesson in contentment in this season, and the scripture that Micah and I were often reminded of was “if you can be faithful in the small things, God can entrust you with the bigger things”. (And boy if I had known what God would do later in life I would’ve started this much sooner). I started by praying that God would either take the smoke smell away, or help me not to smell it, because I couldn’t stand it. He did, I stopped smelling it. I declared this small apartment my sanctuary. I decided to make it my home, and asked God to help me make it home. When you always have distractions at your fingertips it’s easy not to deal with feelings, I was faced with my feelings every day and had no way of numbing them with distractions. There were no distractions. None. It was just me and God, every day. There was no way for me to “numb” the time away by watching tv, scrolling on a phone or asking someone to come over.

You would probably think after reading all that that I regretted moving and that I regretted getting married. I truly didn’t. I knew with everything within me that this was where we were supposed to be and that I was with who I was supposed to be with.

There is so much to say about the season that we lived here. What I forgot to mention earlier is that someone came to us when we had just moved into our apartment and gave us, I believe it was $250. However much it was, it was the exact amount we needed to turn on the water and power for the apartment. They said that God had laid it on their heart to give this to us, and we knew it was Him because of the amount they gave us. They had no idea of our situation. There are so many miraculous things that happened while we lived here, and I plan on writing more about it because I’ve always wanted to, it is an extremely important part of my journey, and our journey, and so many valuable things were learned. I am forever grateful for the “stripping down and away”, because it prepared me for motherhood and life as a mom and it made us make important decisions for our family that I believe will truly change the lives of our children and have changed our own lives. God became real, and the Word of God exploded as we read together each day. I have never been the same and I never will be. More stories to come about the many experiences at west Main Street.

[cxffncase]

What are your OCs' backstories?

OOF ok uh so

theres a lot so ill “condense” it, ill only do the main 3 bc um i have too many ocs

 starting with finn, since he was the oldest. his backstory is still a wip, but:

 finn was born to a family who didnt want him, and left him on the street, basically. he was found by a man (whose name i still havent thought of oh no) somehow along the way. This man was an artist whose wife recently left him. he raised finn, enrolled him in school, even though he didnt have enough money. they lived on the outskirts of new york city. 

 back in NJ, lola was born to marisol and martin a couple years after finn. marisol was wery young and naive at the time. she was kind, but people (like martin) often took advantage of her niceness. marisol was a mom but martin was a pretty shit dad; he didnt really like the idea of having a kid and having to stay in one place. He grew to like lola  a bit actually, but not really. the idea of having a family really “weighed him down”, although he didnt really admit it. when lola was 5, marisol told everyne they were to have another kid (chiki). martin didnt want another child so he up and left marisol and lola

 when sam was born, lola was 2. Sam’s parents are Antonio and Theresa, who where even shittier parents individually than martin would ever be. theresa was an obsessive, nitpicky, overprotective control freak and antonio was a violent and physically abusive alcoholic, they hated each other but at the same time were really dependent on one another so neither of them permanently left the house. sam was pretty much an accident and theresa couldnt have an abortion because antonio’s parents were super super fuckign religious and she didnt wanna be separated from him

 when sam was 4 or so he ran away from home and met lola at a park. she kinda took him back to her house but when marisol found out sam ran away she had to take him back home, where (unknown to marisol) sam was beaten as punishment from antonio

 shortly after chiki was born (a couple weeks later after sam ran away), lola’s family moved to another town so marisol could get a better job to provide for her family.

 over the next couple years sam was enrolled in school and when he was in third grade or so lola moved back. sam and lola became really really good friends though through school, even when lola was in middle school the two really hung out together.

 when lola was 13 (in eighth grade), she realized she wasn’t straight, and consulted sam about it. he suggested she tell her mom, when she was ready. a week later, she told marisol about it. Marisol was very hesitant at first (because she was religious), and lola and her mom’s relationship became strained for about a couple months.

 when sam was 13 Theresa left the house and took sam with her after she found antonio sleeping with another woman. they drove all the way out to pennsylvania to stay with Theresa’s family, then theresa got a call from antonio begging her to come back. she said she regretted leaving and turned back around. when sam got back to the house that night he decided to commit suicide, only he wasnt sure if he really wanted to, so he drank a ton of his dad’s liquor to see what would happen. he ended up vomiting and passing out

 at the same time, lola entered a junior baking competition. she only got second place, but the judges were impressed nonetheless. though she was only a sophomore, she started looking for cooking schools to go to. marisol became less alienated from her daughter and began to be supportive, not only of lola’s passion for cooking, but of her sexuality too.

 meanwhile, finn and his adoptive father moved to new jersey for a more affordable living area. finn wasnt in redsdale yet, it wouldnt be until he was in his 20s he’d move there

 back to sam: at age 15, antonio and theresa had another really big fight that caused theresa to leave, but this time, she didnt take sam. antonio in a drunk rage kicked sam out and forced him to go look for his mom and that he couldnt come back until he found her. sam looked around the neighborhood for a couple hours, gave up, and went to lola’s house to sleep there. when he went back to his house, he found out that everything was actually ok, his mom had literally just been hiding in the basement the whole entire time. it was at this point sam decided he should leave his house. he got a job at the surf shop down the road, and dropped out of school at 16 to get a second job at the grocery store

 when lola was 18 she graduated from school, finally. she had gotten numerous scholarships and went to a school a couple hours away from home. her and sam kept in contact through texting a bit but not much. lola had a pretty hard time in college at first because she wasn’t used to constructive criticism and following directions n stuff. she was pretty headstrong and impatient as a kid but it’s here that she learned to be more meticulous and accept others’ advice. gradually she started to do really good. she became *almost* top of her class towards the end of her second year. she took an internship her third year to work in a kitchen in a pretty fancy restaurant.

 when sam was 18, he moved out of the house. life was pretty good as he was able to afford more on his own and do better w/o the stress of his parents. he started exercising a lot more (he had a bit before but his parents starved him a lot (not really intentionally, they were just really neglectful and he wasnt a priority to them)) and was teaching himself self defense/how to fight especially since his parents didnt want him leaving and they might try to follow him

 during break for lola and for sam’s 19th birthday, lola took him to a rock concert. this is where sam met lynn. they kept in contact w/ each other for a couple months as friends and then decided to date. for sam and lynn’s 1 month anniversary, sam wrote lynn a song and played it for her. the next day lynn asked to join her 2 person band in need of a 3rd member

 in the meantime finn was having some rough patches with his dad. he really wanted to go to art school but they couldnt afford it. finn had to get a job at an early age to support the family since they didnt have a lot of money

 things were going well with the band sam was in until mikey (band leader/singer) had been caught w/ lynn. sam found out this was not just a one night stand, but instead had been going on for a year. sam went to mikey’s house out of anger and beat mikey up to the point where mikey was literally on the verge of death. lynn found him in his house alone and got him to the hospital. sam was arrested but not tried, since mikey’s parents (cassandra and micheal sr) didnt want mikey to go to jail too (since mikey was kinf of a drug dealer on the side and if mikey’s house was investigated bc of the crime scene for evidence theyd def find illegal shit? i guess? yea)

 lola caught this on the new and was furious with sam. she’d become pretty distant w/ him bc of being so busy with college, so she broke it off with him. sam went into a pretty bad depression and started drinking and going to bars n shit and picking up girls

 after awhile he realized his life was really fucked up and tried getting some jobs but no one would hire him because of a spotty criminal record

 lola in the mean time graduated college and went back to redsdale to visit her mom. she wanted to still live there despite the fact she could pretty much go anywhere else considering how good of a chef she was. but instead she wanted to live close to her mother. she got a job at a restaurant by the ocean owned by frank. it wasnt doing so well; chefs were constantly coming and going, the place was out of date, etc. lola quickly became head chef there and practically saved frank’s failing business.

 sam found out lola was in town and wanted her help. they apologized to each other and she decided to help. lola got sam a job at frank’s restaurant since frank said he owed lola for her helping him.

 going back a couple years, finn moved out of his house at 22. he was super stressed out over working so he moved near the ocean in hopes of “rediscovering” himself. in the first couple years he was in redsdale, he developed his art a lot and painted mostly stuff of the ocean. he decided he needed a job, and got one at frank’s restaurant as a janitor. this is where finn met lola.

 eventually sam met finn as well after sam got a job there, and they became pretty good friends. finn didnt like sam at first but after a bit he warmed up to him. after a year or so sam realized he had a crush on finn and this time, consulted lola and realized he wasnt straight. it took him a couple weeks to prepare but after a bit sam told finn he liked him. plot twist, finn was gay this whole time, luckily

 pretty much everything wraps up here, sam and finn are dating now

 and we’re in the current modern day

yea

[owlpajamas-archived-blog]

yuu dies au

basic summary: “i thought kagami treated me horribly but then i met you lot” -- mika

“no one is happy and mika is the least happy”

the agenda: - make everyone sad - make ourselves sad

nory: heyyy remember yuu dies au bee: r u about to angst on us nory nory: welll i was thinking about it some more bany: Oh Boy

created by moi, @distressedphilosopher​, @forblazes​, and @celestialshinoa​

GIANT HUGE CONTENT WARNING for: suicide, self harm, fucked up mental shit, fucked up coping methods, disordered eating (kinda??), pain and suffering

Setting: during the Final Battle, yuu goes seraph and sacrifices himself to cleanse the entire world. kinda like what he did at nagoya but on a larger scale

yuu was secretly planning smth like this ever since they started planning the final battle (in sanguinem?? tokyo again???) and he was dropping hints leading up to it and being super duper affectionate and emotional towards everyone and spent a lot of time reassuring them all that he loves them so much etc etc. and insisted on mika drinking from him one last time the day they leave bc that means so much to both of them. n at the end of the battle yuu goes seraph and does the thing and there's this huge explosion/burst of incredibly bright light and a huge shockwave and it lasts for several minutes and when the dust clears yuu is lying at the epicenter of a huge crater

and mika gets to him first and the others just hear him scream with grief/pain and they Know. mika is completely incoherent and refuses to leave yuu's body and doesn't let anyone else get close for a while........maybe that's the first time mika tries to kill himself...this is getting a lot darker than i first intended

ok so it's after the battle right and yuu's body is at the morgue and the shinoa squad is back at their house recovering physically and emotionally from everything

like it's their first day back from staying at hospital overnight

and it's morning and mika drags himself out of bed and downstairs and he's dissociating like whoah; and he opens the fridge and the first thing he sees is the several bottles of blood. and it's yuu's blood that they made before the Final Battle; and mika just falls to the floor sobbing bc yuu is gone, he's dead, and yet a part of him is still here?? and feeding mika was always something special for the two of them, it was calm and safe and bonding time

and after mika drinks this yuu will be gone for Real

he's just hit w all this existentialism and reality of the situation

shinoa runs into the kitchen and finds him and he's totally inconsolable

the remnants of the JIDA become the new human government and they let the shinoa squad, including mika, retire early to a house in the countryside for their service.

t starts off w the squad in their new home and it's up in the mountains and it's nice and quiet and there are fields for them to grow their own food and they have a goat or chickens or smth idk but it's empty and they're all grieving

no one really knows what to do w themselves bc not only is yuu dead but they're all retired indefinitely now

kimizuki tries to distract himself w cooking

mika sleeps All The Time like for days at a time bc of vamp metabolism is weird af. so if u add in severe depression and grief u get....sleeping for 3 days straight. also in attempt to get mika out of bed kimizuki ropes him into House Chores™. picture mika and kimizuki at the sink. mika is robotically peeling onions mika and kimi become the food prep team

 he likes feeding the chickens. shinoa takes up crochet. shinoa gave the chickens all stupid names

everyone struggles to cope and mika is actively suicidal and the squad tries to bring him out of it

mika loses his appetite from grief/depression and refuses to drink for a week+ at a time and gets really weak and sick. it's ironic bc all this time drinking blood has been the thing he hates most about being a vampire but he kept doing it so that he could save yuu/live with yuu. and now yuu's dead and he doesn't even care about blood at all. like under any other circumstances this would be a GOOD thing to not be thirsty but.

it's a struggle to get him to drink anything bc the old solution of "confront him and cut ur arm or show him blood and then he'll give in and drink" doesn't work anymore bc mika just Doesn't Fucking Care.

someone just ends up jamming their arm into his fangs and he hates it but his instincts are screaming at him to eat, eat, survive even if his mind and heart don't want to

like once he starts drinking his body is like Oh Shit wait this is a really good thing u need this to survive

and then theres panic among the person who jammed their arm into his teeth because oh fuck his jaw locked (as vampires do when feeding sometimes. this was completely on accident on mikas part tho)

at one point yoichi is trying to convince him to drink and is getting really really worried bc mika is in a Bad Place and so he kind of yells at mika “yuu would want you to!!” or smth like that. and mika snaps and starts yelling at him and is Really Angry in a scary vampire way. like he just whirls around and yells at yoichi to shut the fuck up, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, he slams his fist into the wall, he’s baring his fangs and his eyes have this dangerous glint. and yoichi starts crying bc he’s just so scared and worried for mika, and he’s also grieving yuu so much, and he can’t help but be scared when mika acts like that

and then mika feels even worse!! >: D

yoichi is sobbing and mika doesn’t kno what to Do he’s so confused and disoriented and he feels so awful and it’s a Mess. the rest of the squad comes running in and intervenes cuz they heard the yelling

bany: also u know how cats will purr when either happy OR distressed as a self-comfort mechanism?yeah. that happens. its not a happy purr sound. its miserable and throaty and stuttered.

yoichi is crying and saying “i’m sorry i’m sorry” and “i miss him too!!” and kimi and shinoa are trying to comfort him and mika is floundering and sad-purring

bany: mika just. gives up and curls into a ball. just him and the squad and the vibrations in his throat

kimi drags yoichi away, who doesn’t want to leave until mika’s ok, and shinoa and narumi stay and try to talk to mika. he caves and drinks from narumi and then falls asleep for like a day and a half after that. depression symptoms become more exaggerated when ur a vampire bc their metabolism is slower. mika becomes the master of the depression nap.

hey hey what if he and yoichi cuddle after the fight as an apology. mika falls asleep and yoichi starts petting his hair and mika starts purring, then yoichi falls asleep too. yoichi Insists that mika drink from him, or at least drink /something/ bc mika’s had no appetite for weeks and is p much starving himself

bany: he feeds so infrequently and in such small portions the squad starts to notice signs of continual starvation (his cheeks are hollow, his spine should not be that pronounced, holy shit ribs) and say okay this has GOT to STOP

permanent dark circles under his eyes and shaky hands, dizzy spells All the time, his skin was always pale but now it’s paler than normal and all the color is washed out or greyed out

bany: vampires have slow heartbeats right? it should not be as fast as it is

nice thing about living w a group of powerful demon users/human experiments is that they all have a pretty good healing factor so they can lose a lot more blood and be fine than a normal human could

after yuu’s death and things settle down a little and the squad resigns from the JIDA and live in a house together in a small town thats being built again. theres a grave and shrine where yuu is buried, its in the woods a little,  and thats where mika spends most of his time. shinoa helped him plant perenials to plant on the gravesite. mika spends most of his time dissociating and remembering and talking to yuu outloud. about how much mika misses yuu and how desperately he wants to be with him, mika cant bear the thought of existing in a world where yuu no longer exits, and that hes so sorry that he could save yuu and that he wants to join yuu in death but he cant bc its impossible. and hes so lonely and he feels like something has been ripped out of him, bc yuu was mika’s life parter and fp.

he tells yuu about all the stuff that happens everyday too, and he also cries a lot. he tells yuu about how his appetite is gone and how ironic it is that something he wanted so bad to happen (to not want to drink blood) was caused by his worst nightmare (yuu’s death)

Melissa: Mika realizes how much he actually appreciated drinking Yuu's blood n stuff and how much he hates that he has no other options now

The squad keep a little schedule without mika knowing and they go and visit him and let him feed from them (or rather, make him)

He doesn't fight back as much as he used to because he just doesn't care about anything

Nory: he reaches a point where he doesnt cry or anything anymore but the only emotion he has is overwhelming grief and self loathing. he talks about how grateful he was that yuu accepted him so enthusiastically and whole-heartedly and always looked out for him even when mika made it difficult; and how much he misses drinking from yuu and how comforting and safe it was because he loved yuu so much and they had so much trust in each other. the first time he drinks directly from one of the squad members he breaks down and is flooded w memories of yuu

also he gets really really furious at the other squad members bc they arent feeling the grief as powerfully as he does. like they still are absolutely grieving for yuu but they start to recover and move through the stages of grief and mika cant

Melissa: Mika thinks it's because humans are fickle and care less and he gets mad at them for being so "shallow"

he takes his grief and angery out on them and yells at them and gets into fights, yelling how they couldnt posssibly understand what hes feeling right now, how dare you, how dare you start to move on….etc..

During one of his angry spurts he just runs into a forest and starts knocking down trees

Nory: someone tries to comfort him and he curls in on himself and hes termbling and sad-purring. kimi tries to stop hm and mika whirls around and snarls “dont touch me” and he looks really feral and its a little scary.

Melissa: He does the neck grab attack thing on someone then looks down on them as tears fall from his face into theirs then he gets off and turns his back toward them and just says "...I'm sorry" then flies away

Nory: he doesnt come back for a day or 2 and he comes back really exhausted and dissociating and bleeding a lot

Melissa: he stabs himself a lot (cue nory sobbing)

he hasnt had any blood in over a weak and he just makes it to the front porch before he faints, his injuries arent healing bc hes so weak. And everyone is like "how do we feed him if he's unconscious???" he wakes up a little when they get him inside and immediately throws up from internal bleeding. (I LOVE SUFFERING)

And they just like try to stop his bleeding enough to get him to be conscious enough not to choke on it.

he drinks from kimizuki then bc his body is running on autopilot at this point and hes to tired to fight the impulses anymore, and after he gets enough in his system he watches his wounds start to heal and he's like "damn it" and is mad and embarrassed w himself later for causing a scene and being an inconvenience.

he was also so drained and out of it he wasnt even thinking about dying he was just in pain and his instincts took over completely

he was dissociating and he didnt even remember going back to the house or fainting, he just wakes up in his bed not knowing what happened or where he is

after a while mika starts sleeping in yoichis room bc its comforting and it lets him forget about anything and just pretend hes a normal teenager

Sleep deprived angst talks are the best kind

yoichi + mika have late night talk sessions that usually involve at least 1 of the crying

mika comforting yoichi tho?? good shit……..in a very quite, subdued way, lots of hugs involved, purring, crying. they finally fall asleep at like 3 am and dont get up till past noon. mika is clinging to yoichi like an octopus.

Mika: holds yoichi

Yoichi: is held

yoi always wakes up earlier than mika but he stays in bed and falls into a doze and hugs mika instead of getting up

bc its so nice to have companionship and also he knows that mika will get really anxious if he wakes up and yoi isnt there

oooooh maybe the first time they sleep in the same bed yoichi gets up in the morning to have breakfast and mika’s still asleep (he needs his rest). and then mika wakes up and panics bc yoichi is gone, and he immediately thinks someting bad happened

mika rushes downstairs bc Gotta FInd YOichi and sees everyone in the kitchen eating breakfast and everythings fine, but he still hugs yoi and checks him over for injuries and doesnt want to let him go. vampire instincts say Gotta Protect Yoichi

and hes like trembling a little bc what if something had happened to yoichi or any of the others??

scenario: mika spends days at a time at yuu's shrine and it's pouring rain and getting to be nighttime so yoichi goes to look for him and he's bleeding from his wrists and not healing bc he hasn't had blood in a week. and yoichi eventually persuades him to come inside. (bany: this kills the man). and basically half carries mika back to the house, and the other squad members are anxiously waiting in the kitchen, mika is basically incoherent but he's just so. miserable. and everyone hurts. he’s dripping blood and cold water and hes a Mess™

yoichi and shinoa get him upstairs and into the bath and mika doesn't even care bc he's just. done.

(also there's mikayoi going on bc i'm lov that shit)

mika says that his life his worthless if yuu is dead and that he's failed his only purpose - to keep yuu safe. and yoichi and shinoa talk about how they need him too bc he's their family now too. and there are nice tender moments with yoichi washing mika's hair

bany: good because his hair would be Nasty and prob needs a good brush

 afterwards mika drinks from yoichi bc he's too exhausted to even protest and they have another Tender Moment™

anyway imagine mika and yoichi hugging each other quietly remembering yuu 

:" )

the squad ovs ends up sleeping in the same room/mattress pile (comfort among others, ect.) but they have like. babysitting mika shifts. they take turns wedging him into the corner of the pile so 1. he can get some fucking sleep and 2. he won't get up and try anything self destructive at tnight.  lot of times he can't even sleep OR he sleeps for days at a time

thats it for now :3 thank u for reading so far and also im sorry

[artgraveyard]

akumatized marinette design + story figured i might as well post this now because i forgot to yesterday (or 2 days ago)

this is an angsty akumatized marinette au with a bad(ish) ending based on how you interpret it i just wanted to draw the spider bun but i came up with a whole backstory as well because why not? once again, i'm not a writer so sorry if my ideas are all over the place

few ideas i had in mind for this story about miraculous users getting akumatized/akumatizing in general: -the akuma is instinctively drawn towards very high sources of magic, even if hawkmoth intended them to go somewhere else -akuma victims are usually twisted forms of themselves but are still the same person. hawkmoth suggests them to do things, and can use pain to control them, but with an infected miraculous it is much harder to control the victim and he isn't strong enough to hurt them remotely if the miraculous ranks above his -other stuff i'll reveal as i go along

the events leading up to marinettes akumatization go something like this: (didnt really wanna come up with anything that sounds too shallow) -maybe like marinette's dad falls into a coma -sabine and marinette being forced to work overtime to make up for it -marinette getting yelled at by her mom because she sneaks out a lot to do ladybug stuff the stress from all this causes her to get akumatized. hawkmoth feels a familiar energy when he akumatizes marinette but can't quite place it

marinette turns into widow (wanted red widow but turns out thats actually a thing) her powers include: -arms on her waist that help her crawl around on walls and jump really far -talking to spiders telepathically -creating webs from her fingers -venomous bite

i looked it up and black widow bites aren't even fatal most of the time so i've been living in fear for nothing this is a human sized venom injection so obviously itll be deadlier

rest of the story in point form will put it under readmore because it looks like its gonna get long

-plagg starts to act very depressed and adrien transforms into chat when he refuses to speak -he fights widow and recognizes her as marinette because her mom saw her and phoned alya to send out a warning over the ladyblog -plagg starts talking into adriens mind when stalling for ladybug to get in isnt working -meanwhile widow and hawkmoth are constantly arguing because his control over her is very weak and she can't control her temper -widow manages to string up chat and bites through his armour to inject venom into his arm and tells him she won't give him the antivenom unless he takes off the miraculous (because its magically stopping her from just taking it or something, thats why lady wifi couldnt just take the earrings off ladybug) -hawkmoth and widow get into a big argument over the venom injecting because it might kill him before ladybug arrives and widow doesn't want that (akuma and miraculous merging is causing some kind of magical interference with her memories so she doesnt remember she is ladybug) -chat manages to escape from the web while theyre distracted and makes his way to some alley where he collapses behind a dumpster -plagg tells him he has to cataclysm the venom out of his bloodstream before its too late because ladybug won't be able to fix it or anything ever again -chat destroys his arm which was too damaged to save and destroys all of the venom -plagg and adrien manage to get to a hospital which is luckily 2 blocks away, adrien collapses in the lobby due to high fever and bloodloss -few days pass while adrien is stabilized in the hospital -plagg tells him his father came to visit and was muttering "i did this" (surprise, gabes hawkmoth in this) -plagg also tells him that tikki is gone forever, and marinette is ladybug since it doesn't matter anymore -he finds out there was a big battle and a whole tower got destroyed (or whatever the hell hawkmoths lair is in)

2 days ago -widow hears about adrien agreste being found with only one arm and puts 2 and 2 together (and so did gabe) -the shock of realizing chat was adrien causes hawkmoth to lose all control over her and she starts to get her memories back but she still can't control her anger -she heads to hawkmoths lair which she found using her spiders and beats him up -during the fight hawkmoth finally realizes why akumatizing marinette felt so familiar and realizes she is ladybug -hawkmoth escapes but loses the will to go on since the creation miraculous is gone -hawkmoth's tragic backstory is revealed: he accidentally akumatized his wife's miraculous many years ago (because the akumas are drawn to magic) and turned her into a giant bird monster he keeps locked under his lair. he thought using the combined powers of the ring and earrings would allow him to fix it but what's the point because he just killed creation. -hawkgabe walks into the birdcage and birdmom (who went crazy from being locked away for all these years) breaks through the bars and eats him -adrien escapes the hospital and transforms into chat -widow and chat team up to destroy the birdmom who just escaped and is trying to destroy paris after combining with the butterfly and peacock miraculouses and adriens parents (golden sun, anyone?) -adrien realizes what hes fighting but has no choice after widow almost dies trying to protect him -why do i use apostrophes in some words that have them but not all of them -fu shows up after the battle is over and collects the butterfly and peacock miraculouses -plagg tells adrien that the only way to get tikki back is for marinette to die and that she will be back eventually. hes gone thousands of years without seeing her so what's a few more -tom wakes up from his coma and hes like wtf -mariwidow decides to live like a hermit on the outskirts of paris in case anything ever threatens it again -she cant risk her temper rising and accidentally hurting civilians -her family and chat visit her on occasion -chat carries around a lot of antivenom -the end

notes: so basically the idea i had was that once an akuma touches a miraculous it gets infected and they permanently become an akuma unless you somehow manage to break the infected miraculous (which would throw the universe out of balance, plus theyre pretty indestructable) marinette is pretty much stuck in her dumb costume and calls herself the widow but once she's out of hawkmoths influence she acts the same way as usual but with a more dangerous anger problem. gabe walking into the birdcage in his state was pretty much a suicide so that he doesnt infect adriens miraculous too. people eventually realize that adrien is chat because of the one arm thing but they assume ladybug died in the fight with hawkmoth or something (alternatively plagg can give chat some kinda fake magic arm while transformed) adrien ends up with -1 arm. -2 parents, +1 spider gf the first draft of this story i did didn't have hawkmoth as gabriel, and it pretty much went like adrien rejects marinette widow kills chat realizes its adrien then she kills hawkmoth, but i heard someone say 2017 is be nice to adrien year and i figured why not do the opposite. just killing him wouldn't be too much suffering so instead he kills his parents once again, theyre aged up a bit to like late teens

[suebarr]

The Perfect Christmas Present (for a Jew)

I would like to tell u a story and like all good stories it starts... Once upon a time …and like all good stories there’s a struggle, a longing and then when hope is almost gone a miracle happens.

Once upon a time there was a woman who had an awesome life. She traveled the world and worked with fashion designers, dated male models and partied with rock stars but her heart was empty. She tried to fill the emptiness with lovers and designer clothes and exotic vacations but nothing filled the gaping hole in her heart.

That woman was me. I was in my early 30’s and it was the naughty 90’s.  I was  was a fashion stylist and editor. Styling Big Brand Commercials, Print Ads, Rock Stars and Fashion Magazines.  Sony, Coca Cola and L’Oreal, Brett Micheals, Bon Jovi, Hall & Oats , The Fashion section of the NY Times and the Italian Magazine Donna were among my daily clients. No matter how successful I was  my heart was empty. I was so blessed that my career took me to so many wonderful places and introduced to me to all types of amazing people but I seemed to always be searching for that something or someone to fill my aching heart. I even changed careers to become a photographer mid decade thinking that being the creator would help the loneliness and despair I felt within.

One sunny day my career took me to a palm tree shaded neighborhood in the outskirts of Miami where i met the most adorable 2 year old and his mom. She was bright, loving and seemed so well adjusted as she told me her tale of becoming a single mother by choice. I knew right then and there that everything I was blessed with needed to be shared with my own child. I knew that I needed to fill my heart with giggles and blue ices and rollercoaster rides, fill my heart with the simplicity of childhood. I realized the cure for my ache was becoming a mother.

But like all good stories, this revelation was just the beginning of a long and painful journey. I signed up at a sperm bank and chose my child’s father from a stack of dossiers. I chose a Sperm donor #6930, a 6 foot tall, dark haired Ivy Leagued Russian scholar who I nicknamed Ivan.  For over a year I monitored my cycle and did artificial insemination with Ivan twice a month and and a turkey baster.  And after a year of failure and my biological clock  passionately ticking away I invested the last of my savings into a round of artificial insemination. My hormones were raging from both the drugs and this secret desire to be a mom.  The IVF didn’t work and I was referred to a fertility specialist. It  seemed like the ache in my heart was growing to a cavernous level that could never be filled. It took 6 more months before I had a my appointment with a renowned fertility specialist who basically told me my clock had stopped ticking. His solution was I should buy donor eggs. Donor eggs and Sperm from a sperm bank was his solution. He even suggested how I could get discount eggs! .

At that very moment I had an epiphany that pregnancy was not the only way to fulfill my desire to become a mother. I thanked him  for his time with tears in eyes and  left his office with a bit hope filling the emptiness in my heart. It had taken almost a decade since I had decided to become a mother and I was 43 years old but so much had changed the world around me and with me. Michelle Pfeiffer, Madonna, Sharon Stone and Rosie had all become single mothers by choice as well as everyday, hard working middle aged woman. Single motherhood was all the rage and I felt comfortable talking to everyone about the possibilities of adoption.

I photographed families and kids and openly envied the adorableness of each and every baby I captured through my lens. Then one day as the holidays were approaching and that emptiness of not having a family started creeping into my heart again another amazing woman with the most adorable 6 year old daughter shared her personal journey of motherhood as she handed me a tattered business card and said I too could become a mom.

On the card was printed Steve Sklar, Adoption lawyer with an 800 phone #. I immediately called the # and was told they had a new jersey office and could meet with me in less than a month and discuss my options. Visions of childhood danced in my head and filled my heart again with the hope of giggles, and rollercoaster rides and blue raspberry ices.

My 44th birthday approached and days afterwards I met with the lawyer and he explained the process of domestic adoptions. My choices were varied and in a split second I decided the only thing that was important was I wanted a newborn with 10 fingers and toes. I didn’t care about race or sex or anything else.

So much to do to get ready for my bundle of joy that my heart was filling up with the hope on anticipation.  Home studies, and legal stuff as well as referrals from the community to gather and a  heartfelt dossier of pictures and words of why I wanted to be a mom addressed to an unknown woman somewhere in the country who would read it and chose me to her babies mommy. Somehow this all seemed manageable and easier than anything else I had tried but to guard myself from another devastating blow of defeat I gave myself a deadline. This would happen within the year and if my 45th birthday came first I would just give up and not look back. My heart just could not fill up and empty out so many times without becoming permanently broken so I swore I would be happy knowing that I gave my all to the journey of motherhood.

Unfortunately there was even more heartache to come. My family were all adamantly against my decision to become a mom on my own and would not discuss the process with me. Three birth mothers chose me, only to renege on the option of adoption at the last minute. One as I was was on route to the hospital, another newborn 4. 3 oz bundle of joy was placed in my arms in April but then when she was suppose to be released from the Neonatal Unit the birth mom changed her mind. Each time the agony of loss was more excruciating but my heart was still filled with idea of mommyhood. I photographed at carnivals and beaches and lovingly captured childhood for families across the country as I ached for my own.

Like all good stories, , when you wait long enough and you believe eventually something positive happens.  And it did! …  On one very cold gray December day a few weeks before my 45th birthday the phone rang. I almost didn’t answer as the holidays were approaching and i just couldn't bare another mindless sales call or worse an invite to some friends joyous family get together. I did answer the phone and on the other end was literally an angel. Well an angel in a bit of a bind. Someone who needed me as much as I needed her. A young woman named Dawn, who had a baby in her tummy but no room in her heart for the little soul would be arriving into the world very soon! It seemed that she thought I would an awesome mommy to the baby in her tummy.  One heart would be healed and the other would be filled with smiles and roller coasters and blue ices and the mummy rides at st leos fair.  A win win situation.

So that December I thought would be my saddest ever became so joyous as I filled my home with all that would make make my baby giggle and grow in this wonderful world. Friends and clients from far and wide brought cribs and cradles and bottles and bibs, high chairs and playpens, swings and stuffe animals, blankets and lovey’s and so many things that my home was filled just like my heart.

The days passed, my 45th birthday came and went and the holidays were looming and the angel lady with the baby in her tummy stopped calling. I just couldnt believe another birth mom had changed her mind. It seemed I was living a nightmare and there would never be a happy beginning to my story.  Hanukkah passed and then Christmas eve did to, and the ache in my heart was just unbearable. The sun was rising on a cold barren christmas morning and the phone rang at 6:45 AM and I just couldn bear to answer and hear some joyous well wishing friend with a loving family invite me to spend a merry day with them.  I did finally answer the ring and it was Dawn, that lovely angel lady with a baby in her tummy wishing me the Merriest Christmas. Well she didn't actually wish me a merry christmas , she told me she was on the way to the hospital and I should come as soon as I could to meet my baby. Literally, I grabbed a suitcase of diapers and onesies and a pile of cash and raced to the airport as she was in Tennessee ( i forgot a change of underwear and a warm jacket for myself).

I arrived in the hospital when the sun was gently setting behind the mountains, walked down the longest corridor in the biggest hospital I had ever been to. Every step was filled with boo boos and band Aids and kisses and pool splashes and homework and Saturday morning cartoons and pajama days and movie nights. All the things that fill a heart and make a mommy: As I walked down that hall I knew I was walking into the beginning of my happy story. I was becoming a mom and I knew it would be the greatest journey I would ever take.

I opened the hospital door and there was this tiny precious bundle of poop and burps and diapers and onesies who swaddled tighly in his hospital blanket and smiled right at me. He had the biggest smile a tiny little soul could ever have and my heart was immediately filled with something so big andI just didn’t know how to describe it. It was love

And our life as a family started. Yes it was filled with smiles and giggles and glee and definately blue raspberry ices and rollercoasters and mummy rides at St Leos fair . And so much more, good things and hard things and funny things and even some sad things but mostly so much more then I could have ever dreamt of.  Two moms, a birth mom and an adoptive mom together healed each other’s hearts and a tiny little soul is growing up to become a shining star.

When he was just 4 years old he looked at me one Christmas morning as he was opening his presents and said Mom it’s amazing that everyone celebrates my birthday. On  Christmas Morning please remember to wish Jake happy birthday as I will always remember to wish all a very merry!

http://www.app.com/picture-gallery/entertainment/2017/12/13/jersey-storytellers-home-for-the-holidays/108587382/