#i couldnt help myself i cry
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If you need me I'll be chewing on the fact that, yes, the other eight uses are in Exodus and are about the Tabernacle tapestries and in the New Testament our bodies are called the temple of the Lord
#LOOK. this book is about miscarriage and its so very good and im crying a lot in a helpful way#but this still blew my mind in the middle of all the crying. clearly i need to do word studies more lol#christianity#miscarriage#death#infant death#and yes i did look into this and confirm it myself. 8 in exodus and one in psalm 139. there IS another derivative also used but#i couldnt figure out how to do a reverse search to find out what verses used that derivative#(because i was using a physical book concordance to start. had to move to digital to actually find the other verses though.#the other entry was two down in the dictionary part but theres no way to go the other way to find the verses that use it lol. anyway.)#BUT as it stands - word for exact word comparison - this holds true#i almost forgot to actually cite the book lol:#you are still a mother by jackie gibson
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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got cuddles !
#it was awkward bc she was taller than me but sat below me and i couldnt fix myself bc she came in randomly late#but also it was comforting i think bc she stopped crying? so#uhhmmm win for hand vaguely around your shoulder bc i couldnt adjust to u but we WIN!#im sedated for a few years until i get desperate for human touch again#hope shes okay too eee i was too tired to really understand what was going on by i hope holding her helped#micetalk
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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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i ♡ going into verbose over-explaining mode in fear of being misinterpreted and then being misinterpreted anyways
#wordvomit#i love being autistic it has not negatively effected my lived experience to any extent#“i thought we were being silly” we are. i am. i am using hyperbole and making jokes. do u think im gonna kill people for [x]#its so frustrating especially as someone who LOVES long-winded rambling discussion. i want to read 6 paragraphs of someones indepth thought#on some random subject they got prompted from#but then when u trust ppl enough to try and do that they look at u like ur insane and give one sentence answers acting like ur trying to#force them to agree with you??#i want you to be doing the same thing im doing back however you do it. come engage with me. i wanna discuss and debate.#“yeah i just didnt think that lol” ok why!! how come! walk me thru ur train of thought!!! lets waffle back and forth pointlessly and#meticulously over random subjects!!#ironic that the passion-rant that started this was how scary it is to engage with any sort of topic online that is discourse-y or#contentious in fear of it spiraling out of control or getting unnecessarily hostile ???#i kept neutering myself so much and trying to speak in such a !! tone while still sharing my honest thoughts bc i could feel smthn going#wrong but couldnt tell what#i may go cry for 6 hours#“yes i love doing community work and moderating group spaces it is my passion and i want to help everyone get along!” lookin ass#ill probably delete this but this site is my one outlet since they nuked the vent app#rip a legend#where else will random middle aged women comfort me
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#several months ago i had a dream i was sitting with my mom and my sister came in and sat down next to me#and i was surprised but happy to see her but in the dream i couldn't figure out why i was surprised to see her#it wasn't until i woke up that I remembered she was gone and I'll never see her again#i want to go back to having dreams like that#sometime after i had a dream that she'd somehow come back to life and it was a frantic scramble to get her to my brothers place#so that he could see her before anyone else found out but i woke up before we got to his place#and just now i woke up from a dream where we were essentially having a graveside memorial thing#but she was standing next to me and I could see and hear her but no one else could#and she was moving around trying to talk to other family members- including her husband- but they just couldnt hear her#and i had no way of helping them hear her so i just felt useless#these are the most vivid dreams I've ever had and i always wake up crying#im giving myself a headache from crying and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet#kee speaks
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had a very intense semi lucid dream last night where i was the daughter/acolyte of an insane cult leader/my dad who performed non consenual surgery on me and molested and raped me. it inspired me to start writing a lil sci fi novella but also to clean out my closet and find my vibrator cuz i was desperate for it after waking up lmfao
#he had like. grown me & a few other and inserted more and more mechanical parts into us through our lives#so we were mostly machine inside. but human-looking outside#and i tried to run away and got the shit kicked out of me by my sister/fellow cult member#she patched me up most of the way but for the complicated stuff dad had to help#one of my arms had been broken so he just cut the whole thing open to fuck with the wires and stuff. it felt so awful guhhhhh#and after that he started trying to finger me and asking questions about wether id slept with anyone while i had been away#and told me he knew id been touching myself and that made me disgusting and corrupt and that was why id tried to leave. and he had to fix#my mind too.#there was blood on his fingers when he pulled them out of me and he got so so pissed#i was crying and trying to explain i was on my period but he said that was a lie and id been trying to hide more injuries from him so he#couldnt finish fixing me#and he spent a solid twenty minutes beating me for it while groping me & continuing to finger me#he had a metal arm n that was the one he was using too so i kept getting cut and bleeding more and hed yell and hit me more and he just#wouldnt stop 😵💫😵💫#i was tied down by my wrists laying on my tummy but he forced me to roll over so he could punch my stomach a lot too ;-;#toward the end he got on top of me and started grinding against me#talking to me nice again and saying i was his girl and he just wanted to make me better and i only had to cooperate#i was sobbing and panicking still but he was just petting me#he tried to push his cock in me but he like. couldnt fit.#he could only get a couple inches in and he stayed sweet for a little longer but then he started getting frustrated#yelling at me to stop fighting him and slapping my face#and i was trying so so hard to relax and let him in so it could be over but i was just too small#he gave up after awhile and finished cleaning me up without saying anything then left me alone down there. still tied down and crying.#that was only one part of the dream there was a whole plotline where i had made contact with 2 people (a brother and sister) on the outside#who were trying to save me. and i was trying to talk my sister into leaving with me because i was so terrified of losing her#eventually i did get out and ended up living with the brother and sister and it was super cute and sweet#parts of the dream were from her pov too. she made us all matching hats :]
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i love being such a subhuman freak i scare my mom so bad she nearly throws up
#cicadas vent tag#hi.#just had a level 4 catastrophic meltdown it was GREAT#(it was not)#my mom was just telling me all the things i tell myself about like. loneliness and friends and shit#yall know the michi lore i wont rehash it#and i got really pissed and we screamed at each other#it got so bad i ended up telling her about my suicidal ideation#and she said i was ungrateful and should go in a psych ward so like. if i disappear u know why now i guess#i als grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her which i know i shouldnt have done because she IS a good mom#but idk#i just couldnt help myself#maybe i am just like the cicaderations... nothing but a wild animal#man#ugh#and i cant even have proper suicidal ideation about it because that's part of the problem#part of why im an ungrateful ingrate#and she eneded up crying in my arms about how much i scared her which#yeah didnt impact me at all thanks mom#do love hr tho#idk#god i wish i was better#OH AND IT WAS IN PUBLIC TO#AT THE POOL I WORK AT#im speedrunning getting fired bro#and im probably never gonna get better either..... hashtag lol#ill stay lonely and friendless forever probably#FUCK!!!!!
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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Oh g-d I've been withdrawing
#gamer txt.#i keep typong up posts and tags and delstinv them withoit thinking too much about it recentlu but k never usually dp that#theyve all been needy and attention seeking and thats why i was eriting them in the first place but thats ehy i keep deleting them#because i want attention#and that scares tge hell out of me#how bad do i have to be to be this desperate for some sort of contact yet this scared of losing everyone eho moght give it to me#why am u rhis scared of people thinking im annoying ive been feleting needy posts for months thats not . like me#even when im bad im usually better than that i dont. i dont understand ahy this is different#hell i relapsed a few months ago and i couldnt bring myself to even say i cut myself again outright bc i didnt want to be bother#since when the hell have i put up the illusion of being ok on this blog why am i so comcerned#are my trust issues really that bad? am i really that worried everyone who cares about me will fold the second i inconveniene them?#g-d thats. yeah fuck no wonder my friends were insulted when i gave them a 6/10 for 'ppl i would talk to if i had issues'#that is insulting#and whats worse is that its a lie#6/10 should be over half i should tell them my problems about half of the time#i dont do it. ever#and usually thats not too bad because i unload wverything here anyways but now ive stsrted stopping kyself frkm doi g thst#i want help and attention and to stop being so svared but im too scared to ask for those#i had to drag myself out of bed to make rhis post bc if i left it till morning i wouldnt do kt#also thats why all the typos btw no glssses its dark and i stsrted crying at some point#i dont know if its just how ive been feeling lateky or if theres some truth to it but i feel like my text posts have been getting seen less#im honestly kinda really twrrified im gonna wake up and no one will have seen this post and im just gonna pretend to be ok#bevause i would i think i would really just give up#i dont know what gl do#ive never been this scaredwithout a discernable cause before#ive stsrted cryung way harder andb u dont even know why#i think i think thats more or lees everything off my chest#im gonna try to sleep
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thank you for being so positive cause i've been on kms island constantly for the past 3/4 days and you guys not dooming is making me feel a little better :(
🫂 i love you anogie. the fact is we will all be okay :)) no matter what happens. and im proud of you for pushing through this
#im not gonna lie the first two days were AWFULLLL for me but i think me not processing this the same as other people kinda helps a little..#as in i felt like shit of course and my face was hot and i had a constant stress response but i wasnt like crying or couldnt eat#i kinda felt guilty for being kinda numb/not as emotional about this but like i said no one will have a perfect response and well i have to#extend that kindness to myself i suppose. and of course someone's gotta support you guys who dont have a fandom support system somewhat so#im happy to be a sounding board for stuff because in a weird way this is also helping me? so i appreciate this cause i would also be on kms#island too if it werent for keeping myself busy by answering these :)) so thank you too
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sorry i cant shut up about it but i actually cannot stop crying i feel so sick like i know its so petty and childish to cry over a haircut but when ur autistic and dysphoric and u trust someone else to help u feel more at home in ur skin only for them to ruin something that can be so personal its genuinely so heartbreaking i physically cannot look in a mirror without bursting into tears rn
#i never get haircuts. ever.#i only went coz i needed help to tidy up the back coz i couldnt see#and she totally ignored my requests totally ruined my hair#ive never felt more ugly in my life#genuinely#i wasted so much money on this it was supposed to make me feel better about myself i feel so much fucking worse#i cannot stop crying
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@leviismybby i couldnt HELP MYSEF- 💕💕
#SELFSHIPS WITH KLARARSNDJJD I AM CRYING#WE’ve beeen rotting and talking about this o muchshdhhd#I COULDNT HELP MYSELF!#aot smau#zens.smau.ships
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ah fuck off I'm going thru juanaflippa feelings now
#she keeps crouching at charlie during dia de los muertos 🥺#i miss her i miss her GAH#SHE WAS THE BEST EGG#charlie is. so so gentle with her. he knows its the real her. im going to fucking cCRY#FUCK OFF WAIT#HE JUST PUT DOWN A SIGN TYPING LOVE YOU FLIPPA THANKS FOR ALL#FUXK OFFFFFFF I MISS HER SO GODDAMN MUCH#i need to rewatch all the juanaflippa vods#even the ones where its just charlie and mariana arguing#mentally i am there. when juanaflippa was helping mariana build his house#and slime came over and they all hung out#and they asked flippa to choose who she liked better between both of them and she couldnt choose so she dug a hole down and#im gonna be sick im gonna be sick#VOD IS OVER okay okay before i backflippo myself into a juanaflippa cry session
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The nicest person in the world is the lady who helped me tie my shoes at 5ish years old so i could go play during recess. (I elaborated in the tags but theyre fairly long,,) -???
#ive already told this story to some people but i love to tell it.#ok so when i was young i only wore velcro shoes bc i couldnt tie laces.#even now i havent learned the proper knot that literally everybody has learned. idk why i just cant commit it to memory but to be fair#i havent tried to learn it in years bc now i learned a different way to tie my shoes which takes longer so everybody is always like why do#you take so long tying your shoes.#but anyway this story is when i was around 5 maybe younger or maybe older but max 7 yrs old.#my mom only bought me velcro shoes since i couldnt learn how to tie my shoes normally and at some point trying to learn made me so#frustrated i just refused to try and cried etc.#so anyway in my old school there was this weird rule ive never seen anywhere else that we had to use other shoes in the class#i guess to avoid dirtying the floors or something.#and one time my mom bought me new shoes with laces and threw my old shoes probably thinking id have to learn it. i didnt lol.#so she tied my shoes in the morning and then i went to school changed shoes and like i had to like. put back my lace shoes on to go outside#for recess. now get that the teacher hated me. not sure why you would hate a child this age. but she was usually mean to me.#so when she saw this issue she was rlly annoyed and told me so and like the first few days she tied my shoes so i could go outside.#and idk after 2 or 3 times she got rlly tired of doing it and said i had to do it by myself. and she just like fucking left and went outside#leaving me alone on the staircase.#and now this building had a 2nd story which was like a house or flat where people lived. and they were totally unrelated to the school afaik#but the lady was always rlly nice. so she happened to be going down to go outside and about her day and she saw me crying by myself on the#staircase and said whats wrong and i told her i cant tie my shoes and she just helped me and consoled me and then i could go.#anyway she was an angel to me.#its hitting me now as i tell this that when i was a child many of the adults around me were really mean#so i really imprinted on nice adults like i thought they were really amazing and the best people ever.#anyway thank you for reading my story!!#lorisys
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#sorry i need to vent ignore this#my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit#bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer#and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted#but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but#now i hate it again i hate it so much#ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN#and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but#i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers#but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but#it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression#like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be#in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly#to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and#i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn#im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now#i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it#clara tais toi#like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO#preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and#the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like#it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted#dl later
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