#i couldnt have asked for better roommates and our shitty house that I love

[jewshboy]

im not sure I've actually /really/ taken a moment to be grateful since ive moved. not that it hasnt dawned upon me but man.... im living the life i dreamed of having since i was a young teen basically.

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[blushingjared]

School Daze

Title: School Daze Pairings: Jack x Reader, brief Jack x Claire Words: 2k Warning: Smut, Alcohol consumption Prompt: Anonymous asked for a Jack x Reader story where the reader teaches Jack how to have sex for the first time. A/N: Umm...hey again. I’m back with a shitty fanfic for your reading pleasure. I really couldnt get this outta my head, but here you guys go..enjoy it please.

College is easy for Y/n most days. Her major has tough but intellectually satisfying classes. Her job at the school’s library has never been better. She wishes she could say she was happy. What is making everything else seem so unimportant?

It’s all because of a boy.

She knows she isn’t supposed to let the fact that she doesn’t have a man in her life get to her, but being single when the guy you like is two feet away from you every day really fucking sucks.

Jack is either too naïve or simply doesn’t care about a romantic relationship, and to be fair to Jack, he’s really new to a lot of things. He says that’s what happens to you when you’re homeschooled.

“Y/n? Y/n? Are you listening to me?” Jack looks at her expectantly, waiting for an answer. So she ducks her head and sips on her smoothie, ignoring his question. “Y/n, are you ok? You seem to be spacing out a lot lately. Is everything alright?” He asks, somehow always concerned with her well being. Being so concerned about every little thing in his friends life is his biggest problem and his best attribute.

Jack cares too much, and Y/n loves him for it. “I love you Jack.” She’s told him a million times but still can’t understand what she’s telling him.

“I love you too.” Then he just smiles brighter than the sun and it hurts to be around him for a while. Until she’s able to face Jack without crying her eyes out, she stays away for a while.

Y/n sighs as she finally answers him, after a long moment of silence. “I was thinking about a party Claire invited me too. I was trying to think of a way out of it.” Jack’s smile faded, as he listened.

“Why would you not want to go?” He questioned. “I assumed parties were something fun for people our age.”

Y/n hesitated before answering, “For some people but I usually go with a group of people but no one I know can go to this party and I really don’t want to go alone Jack.”

At this Jack’s eyes lit up. “I’ll go with you. I’ve never had the chance to attend a party. I’m sure it will be fun for both of us.”

Anyone else passing by would have been able to see Y/n was worried about Jack going to a party. He didn’t seem to be the type of person to even think parties would be fun. Jack’s idea of fun was sitting in his dorm and watching Netflix documentaries. To be fair, Y/n wasn’t exactly the party type either, but it was more fun with her small group of friends.

“I guess we can go together Jack.” She wondered how Claire would react, her and Jack had dated for a while. Y/n was hopping since Jack was willing to go to the party then the both of them had separated peacefully.

Jack’s whole face lit up and she could tell he was bouncing with joy, foot tapping now with excitement.

“I should go get ready. Perhaps I’ll ask Dean what to wear.” He stood and shouted back an apology to her.

Y/n sat in the smoothie shop silently, wondering if this was a good idea. She hoped it was.

Jack showed up at her dorm at exactly 8:30, the time she had texted to him to be here at. “Punctual as always Jack.” She teased but the boy cocked his head to the side, saying nothing. Most likely going over everything she had said in his mind.

Claire’s house was just off of the campus, seeing that her Dad was a professor at the University. He seemed to always be away though, hence the amount of parties this girl threw at her house. As the two of them made their way up the street, Y/n could already hear noise coming from her house. The door was wide open and they let themselves inside.

Already, someone was offering the both of them a drink. Jack took it up Y/n declined. Instead watching as Jack sipped it.

The realization that the drink was beer hit Jack not too long after and he spit some of it out and onto the carpet.

She tried to hold her laugh back but it was honestly too funny watching him. “We can’t have beer. Were still underage.” Y/n took the drink and shook her head.

“You should get used to it. I’m sure there’s plenty of things people are doing here that illegal.” Y/n pauses as she watches Jack’s roommate come closer towards them.

Dean stops in front of them and smirks at the both of them. “Good to see you guys out here. Didn’t think you’d actually go to a party Jack.”

Jack shrugs and places his arm around Y/n, a move coming from nowhere. It makes her go a little lightheaded but she eventually straightens. Once she does, her energy all goes into focusing on Dean and Jacks conversation.

Y/n misses the look of confusion Dean gives to Jack. Their words start to blur together as she sips the drink, something about a shitty professor but Jack seems to think the teacher hates Dean because he slacked off.

Claire hasn’t appeared all night, it’s almost midnight though and Y/n really wants to get home. Shit, where did Jack go? There was a few seconds of Y/n stumbling around, opening doors and slurring out his name.

How many fucking drinks did I have?

Out walks Jack though, shirtless and panting, from one of the bedrooms. “He-hey buddy.” She giggles and tripped forward, falling on top of him. Jack’s warm hands softly ran up her thighs, as if he was trying to comfort.

Y/n gazed up at Jack biting her bottom lip as she leaned up, getting ever so close to the kiss that she had wanted so desperately to give.

“Jack? What the hell?” A familiar voice came from the bedroom, Claire walked out, blanket wrapped around her.

“Oh sh-shit..” Y/n coughs softly as she backs away from Jacks arms. “Sorry.” Jack’s mouth is moving but she can’t get an understanding of what the fuck he’s saying. “I’m going.” But the turn must have been a little too quickly and she falls on her face, passed out.

Jack watches as his best friend falls down and sits with her, hands going into his hair. Something he does when he’s stressed. “Jack? Wha…” Claire hesitates but sees Y/n on the floor, “God Jack, just fucking tell her. We’re done ok? If you don’t tell her, I will.” She turned around and slammed the door. Of course Jack still couldn’t tell Y/n that he loved her.

Jack was sweet but he had no clue about what was going on around him. Claire had said that to him before but he didn’t know what that meant until now. The look in Y/n’s eyes had been clear enough.

Pain. Jack was causing his best friend so much pain. He reached down and carried Y/n to her dorm. Hesitating before slipping into bed with her. He hoped that Y/n would forgive him when she woke up.

Jack slipped into a pretty deep sleep, much like Y/n had done since he carried her into the dorm room. His eyes slowly lifted to the ceiling when Y/n’s alarm went off. Jack felt his head pounding as he blinked awake. Y/n only shifted closer into Jack’s arm burying her face into his neck. His eyes slowly watered because he felt so undeserving of this view. Her hair fanned out beneath him, lips parted in a silent question.

Why had he put off his feelings for so long? What was the point of it? He was just hoping she’d find someone better, but it was clear the girl loved Jack.

So, there was no way he’d be giving his chance up now, if she’d have him.

Y/n shifted awake as she saw Jack pushing away the hair in her face. “Jackie? What’re you doing here? What happened last night?” She asked eyes big, face slowly becoming redder and redder. What happened last night?/

Jack didn’t want to wait any longer, and so he pressed his lips gently against hers. Fingers carding through her hair, and pressing himself impossibly close. He felt Y/n struggle, only in surprise he hopes, before falling deeper and deeper into the kiss.

Y/n’s fingers slowly trailed down his chest and under his shirt. “Jackie..I-“ Slowly he pushed Y/n onto her back, gazing into her eyes.

“Y/n, I want you. I love you. Now let me do this.” Jack smiled softly but she laughed. Genuinely.

“Have you ever ‘done this’?” She asked but it was now Jacks turn to blush. “No, but I realize that you’d want someone who showed dominance.” Y/n felt kinda honored but she also did want their first time to be like..good?

So she rolled over and gazed down at Jack. Fingers running over his cotton t-shirt. “Jackie, let me make you feel good today?” Y/n had been dying to do this for years, she wanted to be the first girl to make Jack cum.

Her eyes gleamed in excitement as she dropped her hands down to his shirt, tugging it off of his waist. Y/n was hesitant to dive right in, but there was no way she could hold back. Jack’s chest was unbelievable white, smooth, with just the hint of muscles there. He was so gorgeous like this.

So, of course she kissed Jack like she was worshiping him. Starting up high on his shoulders. Roaming lower so she could kiss the soft skin just around his nipple.

“Don’t worry Jack, I’ll teach you how to do this.” Y/n moved her tongue over his nipple, eyes closing slowly as she moved the pad of her thumb over the other one. She lavished Jack in warm licks and attention. By now Jack had become unable to stay quiet, and the stirrings he had felt in the pit of his stomach was about to bubble over.

His eyes flashed down to Y/n’s skirt, he felt his face grow warm from the blush on his cheeks. Her core was pressed desperately to Jack’s hips. It was just so easy to slip his fingers under the fabric. Jack’s forehead began to collect sweat, causing his blonde hair to stick there. “Y-y/n, take of your clothes. Please.”

Jack was almost unbelievably hard by now, he was surprised how quickly the clothes were taken off. It was adorable too, the way she partially tripped over her tights as she took them off. Damn, even as she climbed back on top of Jack, he found her much more gorgeous now than any other moment.

After a few minutes of uncoordinated grinding and fingers slipping over each other’s sensitive parts, Y/n was finally able to slip Jack’s cock inside of her. Seconds ticked by, both watching each other for any sign of discomfort. When enough time passed, Jack bucked his hips up against hers.

Jack fell into pure bliss watching Y/n move above him, moaning her name as they built and built to this moment. Both struggling to keep a rhythm. Y/n eventually gave up and just rode Jack, hard and fast until the both of them were left in a horrible, panting mess. Gripping onto each other desperately for the time being, sweat slick bodies holding each other.

Y/n was sure this had to be a dream but as they both got up and redressed, she knew it was real. There was only one thing left to do: give her new boyfriend his first blowjob.

[swampgallows]

i have 45 minutes until my alarm goes off but here i am awake for no reason anyway

i woke up thinking about how, out of all my boyfriends, it seems like my high school boyfriend was the only one who would tell me ‘sweet nothings’ as it were, tell me i was cute or something unprovoked. my gf and i did it almost constantly, always turning sentences into how much we loved each other, much like me and my high school bf did. even now, he is affectionate in that same way.

i started thinking about college since a friend of mine recently graduated from his, and how he said he learned zero. i feel like i did too. i tried to think of specific things that i did learn in college, things that werent just artistic practice, and one of them was indesign. i barely learned to use it, but its still a program i hadnt even heard of before my graphic design course. 

fuck. i wanted to take that bookmaking class. people actually got their books printed. and those accordion books too. there is so much in college that was available that i never got to do, that wasnt available to me. i wanted to take that underworld course. anyway.

i thought about that shitty graphic design course i took, how uncomfortable the instructor made me, and i thought about our final project. those years of college were the first times i started... “switching off”. or as my job put it, turning “inward” and being “not communicative”. our final project was supposed to be this big professional to-do “like a job interview” she said, like we were supposed to dress in business attire and all this shit to present our final project. and my computer was failing at the time so i couldnt do a lot of my work, i couldnt get to the computer labs when they were open (and i had anxiety about using the animation computers in a way i cant really explain) so i ended up having to make a lot of it in mspaint instead of illustrator. i fucked around a lot in that class. there was a time where i got on vent and was laughing and the instructor pulled something like “well you cant laugh like that and not share with the class” and i made up some shit about how i was laughing about godwin’s law on wikipedia. 

whatever. but during the final project i cant even remember what i wore, i just knew i didnt have any nice clothing with me and it was too difficult for me to go out shopping for some and even more difficult to go home and get what i had. so during my “interview”/presentation in front of the class i was just... practically nonverbal, could barely speak above a mumble, literally said tihngs like “i dont care” or whatever. i dont even remember what i was presenting. and i think i got a D in that class. i dont remember. i was just happy to get it over with, and i knew i wasnt taking any more graphic design courses. i was with my abusive ex at the time and was tired as shit always, i think i had been taking 5 courses at once, and i was disheartened about not getting into the bfa and had to take the graphic design course to pave my way to the regular ba. or somethign like that. i wasnt planning on taking it but had to. and the instructor told fucked up stories about how she fell off a roof—”well, i walked off” she corrected herself—and had brain damage so she had to learn to write and read and walk again. it made me severely uncomfortable and i thought it was totally inappropriate for a classroom environment. i was so put off by how buddy-buddy she seemed to try to be with me and she would invade my personal bubble a lot when talking to me. but i wasnt in the best shape to begin with. she seemed to really like me at first because i was funny blah blah all that usual garbage. but that final project is one of the first distinct times i remember going nonverbal and “turning off”. and i couldnt turn back “on” even if i tried. though i didnt care to try. when i feel like that i just want to get away from everything and go to bed. it’s too hard to keep up a facade.

i spent much of my college ‘career’ extremely unhappy and stressed out about things that werent schoolwork. schoolwork i can do, it’s exclusively the only guaranteed thing i’d been able to do for 12+ years of my life consistently. but i think the trauma was catching up to me and pulling me into the undertow without me realizing, drowning me, and the people i thought were saving me just dragged me under more. my gf, “tarzan”, my later abusive bf, the guy who raped me in my dorm room, my shitty invasive roommates who called me a slut for it (thought my screaming was me broadcasting how hard i was being fucked “like a slut”), my pseudo-boyfriend who i guess i was dating but i have zero memory of basically that entire year... that guy had a good heart, i think, but i was so fucked up in the head about everything, and about sex, and about college expectations or something that i couldnt be on his level. even 7 years later he found me in wow and was asking me all these questions about whether or not i got help or if im doing any better, felt a need to check in on me, said “you were so miserable” and “you were always suffering”. it didnt even feel like that at the time. i dont even know whether or not i knew i was suffering. if i felt sad. or if i felt anything. i dont remember. my livejournal entries from those years are sparse.

i dont know why i do that thing. that thing where i “turn off”. i dont really know for sure when it started or if i did it before i got to college..............

there was a time when i was.... i had to be in elementary school. there was a time at stephanie’s house—she was my best friend in first grade, before i went to another school—i think i ended up seeing her later? i dont think i was in only first grade, i feel like it was later in life, that i was maybe in 5th grade or something, and she asked me if i was sad or something, i dont remember exactly, and i had told her no. then, i remember, she asked “then why are you acting so glum?” and i have no idea what my answer to her was.

i want to sleep more but i have to get up soon. today will be fairly inconsequential in terms of work. i dont know if im going to “turn off” or not today, but it shouldnt matter much if i do because times running out anyway. im scheduled to be in the kids shop all day, which basically means im going to read wolfheart for 6 hours. i hope its good. im not a fan of knaak’s writing.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i had a nice weekend, amazingly enough. in some ways i feel we both made an effort but at the same time we didn’t. like we just chilled - didnt try to make plans or rush through, just accepted that this was the activity.

it helped to change the routine up a bit. since my roommate left, we decided to stay at my place. i had a friend over for tea before being dropped off at his place where we packed up some things and came back. we got weed and alcohol and watched the unabomber documentary on netflix. it was nice - no one was yelling, no one was bothered. i brought my bed out to the living room so we could watch the big screen and relax.

in the morning we went to the bakery and bought good stuff for breakfast. smoked some weed, finished the unabomber series and took a nap. then we went skating at the park downtown before buying ingredients to make a fancy pasta dinner at his house.

it was very nice. i felt that this was ~my christmas. we definitely needed time / space to enjoy each other as is instead of constantly rushing and or making plans for other things. the success of it and the lure of downtown began helping him change his min (as well as the fact he wants to live the life the unabomber lived and now he realizes its kind of crazy)tm

this week i have a doctors appointment and im supposed to get a tattoo. he leaves on friday basically but he should be back before the next friday which oesnt seem that bad at all? he’ll still be here for new years. and my birthday. considering i dont care about christmas anyways, seems like an okay deal and i’ll probably get free random shit from people anyways. 

things are 20% less bad than they were on thursday/friday last week. it’s not great but i dont want to die. which is like .... the most normal level of being for me possible rght now. i am not “excited” to see my doctor because it means ive gone off the deep end but i am excited for the relief that i will feel upon talking to a professional who advocates for me. i am considering asking if he would want to talk to one of my friends who has been dealing with me to see if it would help because i think it would help to see that i have smart friends who are active in my life in positive ways - like i still want to provide proof that i’m not just some drug addict.

on the weekend i told him the story of my cat frank. frank died in really traumatic circumstances which was totally unusual for most people. frank was very very very sick and i took him to the vet by bus because my father was very sick. the vet took my cat, performed emergency procedures on him, then asked me to pay for it. when i couldnt pay for it they gave me the option of releasing it to the humane society, which the humane society woulnt take it and i would have to rive it there myself or put the now healthy cat down. so basically i had to put it down. they wanted me to pay to put it down as well. i had a friends father come in and he yelled at them and made a ig eal and they put it down for me for free.

in my life, i figured this was just ~ another thing. he asked me why this happened, how it couldve happened, that it was like a really terrible story if not one of the worst he’s ever heard and pressed for details. i did not fully realize at the time how unique my exprience was. i thought this went with my old line of belief - i was crazy. i was the crazy one just experiencing the world aroun me and reacting to it in a crazy way. i just “didnt understand” what was happening. i was 16 and alone and just dealing with this. 

but i was not crazy. i had taken my family pet to the vet like anyone would in modern society on the expectation that they cared about animals. but they did not care at all and i dont think that people fully understand that the pet industry is about money - it is not about the animal at all. but most people will drain their bank accounts for a beloved animal. i know people who have spent thousands of dollars and acted like it was completely normal and okay. 

is it though? i dont know. it seems fucked that we domesticated animals to an overabunance and then put a huge price tag on caring for one that they would otherwise kill. when this animal once survived in the wild without any care at all. 

but i tried to explain the nuances of this story to him which he would have zero understanding of at all. it is a bit like racism. you would never understand what a black person felt if you are not black. you do not get the nuanced glances and little shuffles away from you on a daily basis that makes you feel inhuman. and you cant explain the depth of that to someone - it sounds like you’re overreacting and nitpicking when this bothers your soul because you were merely born into the world and others are reacting to you for no reason at all.

so i tried to explain the nuances of being in poverty, having an alternative style and possibly being perceived as not white. which is a weird and unknown factor to my life - i am perceived as not white. i cannot say for certain what i am perceived as - i’ve gotten mixed, spanish and asian. but many times i am perceived as “not white”. i believe as i am getting older and my “alternative” style has become more like an old witchy type lady who just wears black and i am judged even more based on my natural looks that i am in fact coming across as more native american now than since i was a kid. 

it is kind of easy to tell by clothes if someone is experiencing poverty. kind of. sometimes people are still really insecure and want to portray themselves better off because they know its more beneficial to do so. some eople have no choice at all. as a teenager my “altnerative style” itself looked poor. i wore ripped jeans and band tshirts, i had weird colored hair that i cut myself and i probably had gross peircings. maybe i was wearing makeup from the night before. maybe my shoes had holes in them. maybe my jacket did. maybe i wore my leopard print coat. i dont know. i dont even know what i looked like or what i wore - i expressed myself through my style and i was very all over the place. maybe they judged me by this.

and its so easy to “understand” the judgement of “some punk kid” but the nuanced beliefs that follow it are not. punk to many is a criminal. a drug addict. someone who doesnt care. a kid is someone who does understand, that they can control and manipulate. someone in poverty has no choice and other people wont care. they wont care that this is a teenage girl saving her beloved pet, willing to work out payment plans and everthing else to do it. 

he did seem to understand my perspective. i have alot to deal with. this is why its offensive when i have to hear him lament about some other person’s life - who i honestly have no doubt they struggled. i really dont. if i met them independently and they told me of their lives, i bet we would get along (provided they werent a drug addict anymore) because i feel we’d probably empathize with eachother far more than he ever empathized with us. and i have only heard stories from others and every story is terrible - their successes are few and far between and they actively make harmful choices. imagine how they felt life was like for them to come to such conclusions on how they’ll live. to make choices to shoot drugs and fuck with all these people without care - that’s probably a lot of people actively not loving you and/or serious mental illness. 

but when the focus is on that and them and my struggles are taken without the same heaviness or seriousness or acceptance of how this would affect me .. it’s offensive. i do not want to be in competition with anyone for a shitty life. you cannot even be proud of that. it’s just sad. i’m sa for them, i’m sad for me - it’s just sad. but when no seriousness is taken on my life, i find myself trying to defend the belief that my life was not easy. and not just “not easy” like my parents divorced  or i didnt get into the school i wanted. like really seriously not easy, likely equal to the not easiness of this person as well. i just had a completely unique not easy experience to them and perhaps it’s not as wild or entertaining? or i’m not the cute little white blonde girl? 

i explained this to another friend about a doctor. as a teenager a friend and i  went to the doctor to try and find some help for me. we were our usual teenage goth selves and the doctor pretty much laughed and thought we were lesbians (we were not, which i guess kudos to him for accepting our perceived homosexuality but that wasnt part of the issue at hand) 

this is just the very obvious points. the examples you can see where most likely some judgement occurred but the actual bigger picture is what all these nuanced interactions equal out to. if everyday my interaction with someone is clouded by pre-conceived notions of being a drug addict, a criminal, “not white” (which in itself could be leading to the first two but is racist all around anyways) or to the lesser degrees - strange, not “socially acceptable”. but i am none of these things -  am just me. 

and you know, right now i am in a place much like my friend was as a teenager. she struggled with her racial identitiy. she did not want to be seen as “brown”. she carried hatred and resentment towards her culture and did not want to accept it despite being “brown”. so like her, i am very non-accepting of drug addicts because their existence makes mine harder. a drug addict many times lives in poverty. “not white” people are perceived as drug addicts. alternative styles are seen as drug addicts. and drug addicts themselves, many of whom i’ve interacted with, are not nice people. they are not people you want to be around and yes - they are still people. under the heroin and crack, they are still people hurt and struggling. i get it. but they just made the struggle for themselves and me ten times harder. so i have to fight and defend myself that i am not a drug addict which is so hard to prove because they can believe you’re popping pills or your trip to the bathroom took too long and it’s frustrating as hell.

unlike my friend i do not have to accept my identity as a drug addict because i’m not one. i realized that i did in fact choose to take a harder route in the struggles of life because doing drugs is the easy way. and yes, smoking weed is kind of the same but i’ve dealt and cried about life. every experience ive had with other drugs has been very numbing and exaggerated and an altered viewpoint. that is not how i react with weed. i dont know if others react differently and i wouldnt argue if they did. but this is my reaction. i would smoke 2 joints everyday before i took an anti depressant which i have taken and do not have the same very positive effects. 

but when ihave done other drugs and if i chose to continue to do other drugs its a complete escape. 100% non functioning escape. and it’s not like “do a little” mdma and you’re just a little happier all day. PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND YOUR WEIRD ASS which is affected by this drug in unusual ways like you’re a “little happier” and everyone else is uncomfortable. congrats. i do drugs and i am writhing on the floor like a piece of shit. 

anyways, he told his mother the story about the vet and she essentially pushed it aside and said it seemed unlikely. she is why my life is shit. people ust like her multiplied into the thousands. for all the nuanced judgements and personal experiences - it seemed unlikely. but it did happen. this is my life. you’re telling me my life seems unlikely. this is exactly what happened. a grown man with a government job came in and yelled at them. i know his name. why would that occur? do you not understand WHY I AM CRAZY?

i am constantly looking for validation because of people like her. not everyone is like her. some people with vast life experiences or real open minds take you for your word. anything is possible in life. but many people don’t. and many of those people hold positions of power or authority which may even be as simple as being a teacher or principal. but those people will shape and guide the path your life in society is going to take. when i told people of what was going on - they didn’t believe me, they didnt care; it seemed unlikely. so i’m left questioning the importance, my sanity, my perspective as well as dealing with the actual active problem entirely on my own with absolutely no help or direction what so ever. thank god i was an egotistical cocky angry teenager. my punk ass attitude and anger and genera ignorance got me through things i honest to god probably wouldnt even do now. younger me was ten times harder. i was ready to do anything go anywhere but i didnt because i had guilt and apathy. i didnt have the same apathy as i do now, but there was some. i dont have guilt anymore and looking back had i followed through on my teenage dreams, i mightve been better off. i wanted to move out early. i wanted to move out at like 15 - 16 years old. if my dad had not gotten sick, i wouldve been working at a job where i made 350 - 500$ every week doing shit i was fully 100% capable of doing with no issue what so ever. in a home environment interacting with one other person. i realized i had earned like 4000$ in the 3 -4 months i was working there and had literally nothing because i spent it on weed and vodka and ecstacy. then i lost the job for being so stressed out and smoking so much weed before and during work that i couldnt even do the job anymore. which was like SHIT I DO EVERY DAY ANYWAYS. 

at 17 i spent 3 months living by myself. literally. while working. an taking care of any responsibilities my sick father put on me and this is before hes even in the house. most people cant eve comprehend the idea of me doing this now but this is what i did. what you need to realize is that my mother at the time was also still alive. so for whatever reason she just ... didn’t give a fuck this was happening. she knew. she was fully aware. but not once did she offer anything. she just wanted to know if he was going to be dead or not. 

17 year old me dealt with this by smoking an insanely large amount of weed which i do not think i have even matched to this day because never have i had that much disposable income again. but not only did i smoke weed, i did a shit ton of mdma and k and drank a lot of vodka which was my drink of choice at the time. we stole my dads van, three times, for lke no purpose. it was bad. this was essentially my most punk era of time which i now look back on pretty disappointed with myself because i had the wherewithal to get a job, maintain a job but then be a complete piece of shit teenager. that was my time - had i not given into drugs or alcohol i’d have been WAY different. period. 

by not taking that way out - and i feel like people don’t understan i made a concious decision not to do it anymore but eliminating toxic people in my life and like completely removing myself from these situations. the last time of significance that i did drugs - my friend came from toronto to visit. this is what we did. the routine. she came and we woul get “bored” and decide lets just pool what money we have and get something. so i asked everyone on facebook - at the time i had probably 150+ friends (super unusual for me a really big number) and just asked anyone and everyone. a random kid who went to our school back in the day (we were probably 18 now) said he had some pills. we walked in the dark to meet this kid and he gave us 2 pills for 20$ which is a pretty big rip off but we didnt care. we went back to my place, popped them and got high as fuck. half way through our trip, my bf at the time randomly shows up. which was a big deal; he live 3 hours away and was surprising me. we were very surprised and it was awkward and weird and it wasnt like we could send him away. we had to spend a few hours with him awkwardly before she slept in the other room and i had an uncomfortable time “sleeping” with him. 

i decided then maybe i was getting too old. i spent two years doing drugs and going through his routine and it was wearing on my body already. my teeth and gums were always sore from grinding, my lungs were always sore from smoking so many cigarettes, i was spending all of my money on drugs - there was times when the drugs were clearly mixed with other more disgusting drugs like coke and meth and it would result in way more fucked up reactions like the time i hit myself in the thigh with a baton for 30 minutes before my friend noticed and made me stop. but the repetition and pain were part of the enjoyment for me. all of the times i was on drugs, i was a different person. i was someone i would never actually be. sure, my inhibitions were lower but the filters of how i truly felt and would act are no longer there and thats not a real represenation of my actual true self. these are just deep layers of myself that i may not even want to share or would normally consent to sharing if the drugs didnt affect me. and that bothered me alot. it stil bothers me - my behavior on drugs. people out there have seen me in ways im not proud of. i’m embarassed and i only have myself to blame. 

so thats the easy way. the hard way is living life within your true self and finding enjoyment in things when you can barely find the excitement in yourself. take a drug and do any activity - it’s fantastic. do nothing and it’s great. but fining things your true self wants to take part in -- long time drug addicts know the “boredom”. they never took the journey to find these passions and instead elected for the easy way to have the excitement handed to them.

and honestly? nothing really matches the thrill of mdma. or i guess crack or heron or whatever you do. i have never felt anything like it. every nerve is awake and aware, i am hyper sensitive to all of life and my mind is clear. everything is interesting and awe inspiring. 

but thats not life. you cant carry that into the slums of the ghetto. you cant go outsie and stare blindly at the sun. you cannot do it. this is not life. and its okay to someones experience it. the same way its okay to experience the heat of the sun. you can do it lightly ad responsibly. any other way really harms you.

in the spirit of positivity, here are some things that really get me going:

- playing an entire song with no mistakes on guitar and possibly singing it without fucking up or forgetting the words. super exciting to my life in ways nothing else is. it’s not even like i’m trying to play for other people it’s just a personal knowledge that i can do this and play it and feel it and create it. 

- making good food. not just like cooking food but the satisfaction of the actual creation of making something thats really good or luxurious. 

- being physically close to the person i am in a relationship with. i like the warmth and i was very deprived of physical contact but i dont like it with strangers or friends either so its a rare and nice feeling to lay close with someone. 

- a very fascinating tv show. like one that i have to keep watching because i neeeed to know. thats a unique and interesting feeling of human beings; being really curious. i guess it’s lke reading a book but i dont read much at this stage in my life but i hope ill become hat kind of person and when i do itll probably be exciting to have so much material in a world ive rarely visited. 

- cats. i really love cats. all of the cats. i love visiting people’s cats and i like to become friends with them. cats are great because they feel very individual; no two cats are the same and no matter how much the owner impresses on to the cat, the cat is just a cat and it does what it wants so it’s like getting to make a new friend even if the person you’re visiting isnt that exciting. cats are always great. even the shitty grumpy ones. or the old ones that maybe arent into you. if you spend enough time, eventually they will be and you can be friends and people think you’re a cat whisperer. i have atleast two cat friends i see regularly but i see more cats than that. we’re just not friends yet. 

- a really good song. either with really good rocking bluesy music or clever/well written lyrics. 

[afmasters]

How I broke my true love

Hey Tumblr got a sad story for you. Keep in mind I am not at all a writer or ever aspired to be one. Everything that is said in here is true and I want to share with you my story to help make others aware because I definitely was not. The beginning: It was a hot July day. It was the summer right before my senior year. I was at warped tour with a buddy wearing a ridiculous t shirt to take pictures with random girls who thought it was funny. The wind blew a paper at my back legs so i had to twist to get it off of me. As i was twisting down i caught a glimpse of you. You were wearing your jean booty shorts with a white tank top sort of thing. I recognized you as the new girl in school from the previous year. I instantly smiled and told myself that one day you'll be mine. That right there is where it all started. It shouldn't have been my choice for you to be mine. It should've been a mutual decision but I was too selfish to care. Later on in that July day i found you at some sort of pizza place. I purposely rubbed against you so that way youd notice me but i still kept walking. You turned around and said "OMG hey christian." I turned around and say "Hey." Not going to lie i was nervous. I walked up and saw you had a piece of pizza and i asked how it was not noticing you hadn't taken a bite yet. You lied anyways and said its pretty good and i offered myself a bite as you responded with a smile and said sure. After that bite i said thank you and left. You had me hooked, but i also knew i had you hooked. Fast forward to the start of school: I hadn't talk to you since that day. I had seen you around town, like our local target/pick n save but never added you on facebook ever to talk or anything along those lines. First day of school we end up in the same home room together. We lock eyes and smile. Your perfect dark greens eyes were so irresistible. We did this everyday for almost 2 months, never said a work to each other. Just randomly locking eyes in home room, in the lunch room, and in the hallway. It was always accompanied by a smile which made it so much better. One day i was in a shitty mood. I had heard some jock, some douchebag that was not me had asked you to the fall dance. i remember looking at you and locking eyes and you smiled but i didn't. Later on in lunch that day, same thing, we locked eyes, you smiled but i didn't. You took it upon yourself to text a mutual friend to get ahold of me. Our mutual friend was communicating for us and we agreeed to meet in the hall the last hour of the day. I had class and you had a free block. I stepped out and the first thing you asked was "is everything okay?" From that moment i knew, i knew you cared for me, that after never really having a conversation you asked that, that you were a caring person. I replied "i guess. I heard "x" asked you to the fall dance." She replied "well yeah but i haven't really given him an answer and i'm waiting for someone else to ask me before i tell him anything." At that moment i knew she was talking about me. Fast forward a couple days i had asked her to the dance with chocolates and flowers because she's not one who wants anything flashy. We hangout everyday together before the dance. The day after the dance we hung out again. I leaned in for a kiss and got one back. This was not my first kiss but it was yours and i had no idea. Going to fast forward and give quick summaries of the next couple months for you so that way we can get into the title of this. Now we hungout almost everyday of senior year except family events or whatever. When i say everyday i mean literally almost everyday. I told you i loved you after 3 months in and you didnt reply. After 5 months on your 18th birthday you told me you loved me. We wrote love letters back in forth to stick in each others lockers throughout the day ( i still have a majority of them). We did a lot of stuff throughout the summer before college. We drank, we went out on dates, we watched a lot of rooster teeth. You were the perfect girl. Then College move in day came. We grabbed a lot of stuff from your room and put it in your dorm room. Even though your school was 15 minutes away from your house you still wanted to stay in the dorms to experience that college lifestyle. Seeing your empty room it set in. I was going to see you everyday, you were going to have friends who i didn't know, you might even make guy friends....Now that. That haunted me. You were mine, i couldnt let some hot college boy with mommy and daddy money ruin what i took months to establish. Once again i was selfish, i had forgotten about how i was your first kiss which led into a lot of first everything's. Your first week in college a guy from your physics class asked you to lunch. You told me, at the time i was going to a community college and working part time, so i saw that and instantly got upset. I yelled at you and said "why would you go to lunch with another guy? Don't you know his intentions?" Which you replied back "sorry i didn't know it would upset you. I will cancel lunch with him." I ruined what couldve been your first college friend other than your roommate. This is where the damaging started. I had issues being away from you. Even though you were 20 minutes away and probably swamped with college homework i still bothered you to hangout and sometimes you would. Sometimes I understood what why you couldnt hangout. Sometimes i called you a cheater and threaten to break up with you because i would do anything to see you. Well that worked. You would drop whatever youre doing and force yourself to skype or have me come pick you up. You did so much for me and all i didnt notice it because all i cared about was myself. Fast forward to October 31st 2014. It was our one year of dating. You had a shit ton of homework that night but still managed to get prettied up and go out to dinner. We got into an argument on how much the steaks were and how we couldve gone to a chain restaurant instead of a fancy restaurant and saved so much more money. I continued to argue with you to tell you it was the thought, not the price. We didnt even go to a movie after that. You came back to my house put in some sweats and fell asleep. I think this was the first time you were realizing that this is not a relationship was suppose to be. Fast forward 5 months we're still arguing and fighting almost everyday we're not together or skyping. This day was the release date of Fast 7. You had never seen any of the fast and furious' but you still wanted to go see this one because you knew how much Paul Walker meant to me. We were the first ones in line that day. We watched the movie, cried our eyes out at the end and all the way home. It was one time we had cried together. We stayed up that night talking about life and our future together. It then reached 6AM. My parents were leaving for work and we had the house. You leaned over and asked if i wanted to have sex. I would be taking your virginity. You were saving that for the person you were planned on marrying. I asked if you were sure. You said 100%. That morning i took your virginity. What came next i did not expect. You wanted to hangout everyday again. You didnt want to be in college anymore. You took the city bus to the closest stop by me everyday. Bringing me dinner every night because you had free meal swipes. Everything seemed great. Then i mistakenly started taking to other girls while we were still dating. I lied to your face and you believed me but knew i was lying and in your eyes i could see you were still hurt. The nights you stayed overnight at school you always made sure i was home alone and not with another female. This starting eating at you because you didn't know unless you were there. Well i never hung out with girls other than you but the whole talking thing was enough to damage you. You grew depressed and tried self harm. You later came over and told me what was going on and that our relationship of almost 2 years was over. Instead of waiting and supporting you. I left. I went and had sex with random girls and only drunk texted you. Sometimes id even vent to you about the girls j was having issues with. I could only imagine how much more that fucked you up. I didnt care though. I was selfish and blamed you for leaving when im sure once you got better and i realized how much of a dick i was to you, we couldve started our future together. Now when i text you, you ignore me and i dont blame you. Ive accepted that im a fuck up. Im sorry and i will always love you. Today marks the 1 year the last i heard from you. Forever and always

[hellowhatsupfriend]

france ship 

ur character got drunk after being dumped in high school and decided to win over the love of their life by throwing rocks at their window at 3 in the morning .. only they completely missed the street n it was parkers .. she opens the window, they feel bad, apologize and leave .. next day they got seated together at math. they will do anything to pass the time.. (yea .. probably making origami and telling everyone in class to pass their rubbers so they can stack them on top of each other . ) ended up going to lunch detention more times than going to lunch but they didnt mind .. they got to see what the janitor’s storage looks like and wear those yellow cleaning gloves for the rest of the day n when someone asked them why ? they smile. no reply. they ended up going completely different ways .. while parker went to a community college for journalism .. they were probably doing much bigger things but they always kept in touch whether it was through phone calls or texts . now that they are on the show, they take every opportunity to mess w people the way they did back in the good ol days (they are old! just kidding. im barely alive) 

they were NEIGHbours (haha) for a while when they were kids and they’d come over to each others houses for pancakes and spongebob. parker probably scared away their bullies by kicking a soccer ball right in the bullies face .. went hunting for the weirdest bugs they could find. sat under the table at a mutual family friends wedding the entire day talking about what dessert theyd want to be, if they were a dessert  “id like to be a cream puff. a cream puff with apricots or even a plain one. lukewarm at the bakery .. in the window.”   “a CREAM PUFF?! as in cake?” “Of course!!! what else? a cream puff is a cream puff!!!” “a cream puff... you are weird.”  probably lost contact completely after parker relocated w her mom so for a while they probably had no idea it was them on the show until they heard each others names .. 

they worked at an indoor go karting speedway together at one point .. probably got drunk at 18 after closing hours and talked about fitting in, n broken hearts .. maybe at one point even kissed but laughed it off .. “see NOW i know why u dont have a girlfriend” . probably pranked each other at any given opportunity ( still do) 

friends w benefits thing !!! we can expand on this based on ur characters personality ..  they were both stuck in the elevator before a movie casting and ended up talking non stop throughout the whole 4 hours they were there for .. they exchanged numbers but none of them actually reached out since they r both the type of people who wait for someone to talk to them first .. ended up both not getting the role so parker texted them about it and they bonded over mutual failure .. we can plot futher on what this new close proximity actually means for them ??? maybe they hate each other now??? idk things change ??? im so tired

the kind of friendship where they make each other laugh through trying to out do their own insults ... “oh nice shirt. where did you find it? at the bottom of a dumpster? smells like its been shit on. or maybe its just you” .. a big fat silence “did anyone hear something???? sounded like a big old mouth fart”

uhhhhh whateva else im tired 

roman attic 

(ok nevermind im tired this is just a bunch of aus i found ... we can interpret them in our own way! if ur interested .. sorry im tired x20 also these will be like in every possible narrative ever so sorry lol) 

she helped them get through a rough patch without realising it. she volunteered for a free late evenings and overnights mental health help line in college and they called her every week for months then they asked her out for coffee .. there was a lot of chemistry but parker knew she couldnt invest in a relationship at the time because of her own struggles so she had to decline when they offered a proper date .. now they wanna know why 

going through a really bad break up and answering the door for your pizza in a baggy t-shirt and your underwear because you have nothing left to lose and the pizza boy is genuinely very concerned about you being okay so he assures you he’s not a serial killer and invites you to get dressed and ride shotgun in his shitty silver car while he delivers pizza for the rest of the night and he listens to you talk and tells you how much off an idiot your asshole ex was

ever since 7th grade, muse a and muse b had been inseparable. the two knew each other like the back of their hands. they saw each other run through petty middle school crushes, family hardships, and more. they argued, they laughed, they did absolutely anything and everything together. however, they were always just friends. freshman year of high school muse a had confessed the crush they developed on muse b. that confession changed their entire relationship. the summer into their sophomore year, muse b stopped talking to muse a. their friendship ended within a blink of an eye. they didn’t talk for years. until senior year, muse a got into a relationship. muse a’s significant other took them to a party where muse a would be introduced to a “very important person,” the best friend. muse a was nervous, hoping and praying for the approval. when they arrived, muse a was shocked to see that the infamous best friend was muse b.

hello ???!?!??!?! love rosie plot? 

here’s these two idiots who are roommates, and they bicker and act like a married couple constantly, and can hang out like best friends but they’re completely platonic, no we’re not in love that’s preposterous!! and it’s so evident that they’re into each other like whenever one goes out on a date, the other is all bitter like ‘no i’m definitely not jealous’. and they like leave bars together at some stupidly early hour and their friends tease them and they just go home and get drunk together instead. and like domestic washing the dishes and fighting over who does what and flinging soap at each other.

(forget the pronouns ... im just copying and pasting lol) i really want a plot where this totally sweet girl is dating this total ass and he prob cheats on her all the time and is so shitty to her but she stays because she’s sweet and caring and he’s all she’s ever known and they used to be so in love but anyways he’s totally one of those guys who brings around his douche friends and they sit on the couch and talk about chicks and drugs and partying and she is supposed 2 be the regular house wife gf who brings them food and sits next to him when they watch movies so he can flaunt her and just be /: a dick /: ANYWAYS his fellow douche friend starts to slowly be like god this guy is so awful to her and he starts following her out of the room instead of staying to high five his friend for cheating on her w some club girl and idk he just generally starts hanging out with her more while her bf and his other friends hang out in the basement or some shit and they’ll like sit on the porch while he smokes and they just talk or he’ll help her make food or ANYTHING and it can go so many cute ways tbh like ? he could be listening to the friend brag about sleeping around one day or see him being shitty to her like yelling at her for nothing ro smth and just be like DAMN I’VE HAD ENOUGH and finally break and yell at his friend and fight for her and accidently admit that he thinks she’s totally amazing and he’d cherish her sm or he could kiss her one night while they’re talking and they could start sneaking around behind the friends back or anything so !

m and f are both celebs. m is very cocky and a big ladies’ man who loves to sleep around and party and all that. f is a little pop star who keeps to herself and never creates drama and is well-liked by the public. m and f meet at an event one night. all m can think about afterward is f and how cool and different she is, while f never wants to see m again after living up to his reputation for being a bit of a jerk. SO m starts to do everything in his power to make f like him… and f starts to like him but in the most pure way possible ?? and they get along so well and genuinely have fun??

agent who has to protect a civilian by pretending to be married

just kiddin lol 

they had that sickening real kind of love where theyd practically kill for each other.. except they never put labels on things and it turns out one of them found a more convenient love and was scared to tell the other until a big fight where everything was said and they parted ways .. they asked them to stay, said they will do anything to fix things but the only thing that could fix things was to turn the time back.. they ended unsolved because one of them just refused to answer their texts. its been a year and they still think about each other at night, even with other people in their arms. “you looked at me like i was your answer, i looked at you like you meant something”

otter

my friend can’t stop talking about how they want to set me up with their other friend so we start texting each other and disagree on everything .. somehow its amusing how we are both so invested in making each others lives harder ???? i think it makes both of our lives a little better  

famlieh 

bad break up thing

WEHEYYYYYYYYY 

sorry im in pain

ill end this here