#i couldnt handle the excitment and i would be proper weird

[autumnfangirler]

i keep on making new sidesteps, which is fun and all but its really difficult to keep track of all of them and figure out all of their characters 💀

It doesnt help that i play favourites either LMFAO

HOWEVER. ive been stuck in philippines with very shitty/no wifi so i got plenty of time to think about them and i think ive finally gotten a semi-solid handle on cecilia so!! it is time to inflict her on the world

ive mentioned her before but cecilia rider, in all her herbo glory, truly is the ideal of fuck around and find out. she has the highest daring out of my steps and is reckless in ways that give all my other steps heart attacks. and like ive said before, cecilia is not the type of person to regret her actions, past and present. she will keep moving forward even when it hurts. nothing demonstrates that more than her relationship with the other rangers

cecilia is a hunger scar step, and by god does she hunger. she craves human connection, to have a relationship and feel loved again. the only thing that kept her from walking to the front door of HQ after her second escape was her work as a villain– she didnt want to be distracted, not when it was something she looked forward to for years.

her first reaction to meeting ortega again was excitement. she was so happy to see him, her best friend of years, and once upon a time one of her only connections to the outside world. The old jokes, banter, smiles and hugs was something she didnt even know she wanted, but when she got it again she was desperate for more. she couldnt live without it. after that, she cared so much and so recklessly, with no concern over what would happen if she did

after ortega, she ended up befriending herald (though that rooftop kidnapping was rough, she got pissed and ended up punching him djsjjdjs). it was really smooth, actually– cecilia is just a nice person, very bubbly and kind, and she loves being around herald, his thoughts made her feel warm and cared for (even if, in her eyes, he only cared for sidestep, not cecilia). plus, shes a lupin thief. i can imagine herald and cecilia discussing and debating art with eachother in their downtime. it makes me SO sad that you can only hang out w one ranger in checkpoint 4, even if it makes sense, because i think cecilia would totally go out with him for dinner for the free food and then waylay him with an "actually, im a lesbian who's going for your ex girlfriend" when he asks her on a proper date. in my heart this and the hangout with argent happened. I accept nothing else. Anyway those two are bffs and cecilia would beat the shit out of anyone who hurts him(except herself, because she did end up beating him to high hell at the museum. sorry danny lmfao)

cecilia ended up befriending chen next. actually, she never really wanted to be friends with him. she was perfectly content leaving him as the one ranger she hated. but, well, he has a dog, so she couldnt really stay mad at him, could she?

Bless spoon for all his hard work, because cecilia wouldve never interacted with chen civilly otherwise. she discovered that she actually liked walking with chen, as weird as that was, since hes at least less of a dick now. she went to walk spoon after therapy(sorry ortega) and was pleasantly surprised to find that chens quiet, more contemplative nature did well to calm her, especially since shes just a rowdy person in general. when she found out chen was gay and jealous of her, though,,,,, well, all i can say is rip chen because cecilia would never let him live that one down. i can imagine she teases him mercilessly about getting him and ortega together. chen will never know a moments peace again

and then there is, of course, argent. cecilia didnt care much for her during rebirth, up until the gala fight, where they fought eachother for the first time. she fought her fairly in the sewers and ended up enjoying it, even though argent stole her cape. from that point on, she looked forward to their fights just as much as argent did. in the bridge, she was very pleased to know that the flirting was reciprocated, and that kiss as she was very probably about to die did wonders for her heart rate. same with getting choked in the HQ. she had ample time to stop argent before it happened btw, she was just curious and then faced the consequences of her own actions lmfao

all that said, most of it was just cecilia finding her hot. she didnt really start being drawn to argent until the casino. the regenerator was the first time cecilia saw real desperation in her, a want that made her think, for once, maybe somebody could understand her. that somebody could relate to the constant feeling of need gnawing away at her. and of course, because this is cecilia, she made the most drastic decision she could think of to confirm it– she took her chances and revealed her tattoos, and herself, to argent. she had no qualms taking the subsequent consequences, and was very happy to know that the worst she suffered was a swollen lip(one that shed use to torment ortega later on anyway)

i cant explain it very well but argent and cecilia make me so jdjjjdjkkkkdj yk. theyre so similar. theyre both so stubborn, moving on from things without a second glance, because if they didnt theyd drown in it. they dont regret (most) of their actions. and most importantly to me, they can become very soft when it comes to the people they care about. cecilia is more open about it since she has more people she trusts with that part of herself, and she extends that to argent. sure she loves to flirt and tease, but shes unabashedly honest when it comes to what she feels. she accepts most things that comes her way, and the things she doesnt she isnt afraid to speak her mind about. and maybe thats what gets her on argents couch, stealing chocolate eclairs from eachother and watching sappy 70s movies. either way, shes quite happy with where she ended up.

or, shes happy at least until the crash. her canon run is a revealed ending. all of the relationships that shes built over the past few months? gone, just like that. everything shes ever wanted, everything she got, was stripped away from her a second time, which was Not fun for her hunger scar ass. she has no idea what she'll do, and shes terrified of the farm coming to take her in. for once, she regrets everything, all her actions leading up to this moment. but what can she do? theres nothing left for her, and once the farm gets her, theres going to be less than nothing.

argent saving her is probably the best thing that ever happened to her. both because she wont have to go back to the farm, and also because its a quiet confirmation that she hasnt lost everything. That she still had people she could trust. everyone else would be a long and difficult task of mending and rebuilding. but then again, when has she ever shyed away from the long and the difficult?

doing the hard thing has always been what she does best

[plushievash]

Number 10 with all of them. I am so curious

sdlkfj i have over 80 ocs… ill answer with all the main ones and then any others who have something significant10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?felix: hes neutral on children;; children like him mostly since he comes off as cool;; he absolutely does not want children ever the idea completely repulses him, he doesnt trust himself with the responsibility and hes afraid of becoming his father BUT, if dasha ever expressed the desire for one then he would try;; hed be a very caring kinda goofy dad hed give the kid a ridiculous nickname (ex. dara dara carbonara)in the good au he and dasha actually have 2 kids dlkjfsd their first born he gives the nickname “vascana banana”leonardo: children make him..uncomfortable..they remind him of his siblings;; hes generally kind but he comes off as distant, itd be divided some children dont trust him some like him a lot;; like felix leo would never want a child but for different reasons but he also feels like eventually he must to keep his familys raremutation alive;; leo would be a very tired parent he overworks himself but even when he cant make a bowl of cereal for himself hell help his child with anything or play with them..he tries his best…hed be a great dad..pietro: he loves children! they are the future after all!;; children love him back! hes very fun to be around and very caring;; hed love to have kids of his own but he wouldnt ever risk it with his status..he doesnt want to force a kid to be raised on the run…;; hed be a great dad tho over protective and caring hed always make time to check in with their life and see how things are going how theyre feeling if they need help or if they just want to play or watch a movie hes a very loving person!pekka: he likes children, he thinks theyre funny and cute;; like leo its divided some think hes weird some think hes funny;; hes neutral on the idea of having a child;; hed probably be an annoying kinda clingy embarrassing dad..hed want to make sure his child got the love and care he never did..hed try his besttalia: she likes children;; children dont usually like her..they think shes creepy at first since she usually doesnt talk or change expressions much;; shes neutral on having kids;; shed be a good but kind of distant parent…

ill put the rest under the cut

ruby: she loves children!;; and children love her!;; she likes the idea of having a child someday;; shed be a great parent shes full of advice and love and shes very caring and understanding shed probably be the perfect parent??miska: he loves kids!;; kids love him!;; hed like to have kids one day;; hed be a great parent hes very understanding and patient hed usually be too tired to play with them tho but hed be able to do things that take more concentration like crafts and help them out with school projects!dara: he loves kids!;; kids like him bc hes weird;; hes neutral on having kids he thinks hed probably be an ok dad but hes very unprepared and he thinks he probably wont ever be;; hes a fantastic babysitter he can properly take care of a kid for a while but not 24/7 he wouldnt be able to handle the responsibilityagostina: she likes children but doesnt much like to be around them, shes paranoid of them plucking her feathers without realizing how much it hurts her;; children are usually afraid of her or fascinated by her mutation;; she wouldnt want a child of her own;; she wouldnt be a very good parent, she wouldnt be abusive but she wouldnt have the energy to give the proper love and care to a childzacharie: he loves kids!;; kids love him!;; hes neutral on the idea of having a kid but also excited about it? if he ever got the chance he would gladly take it;; hed be a goofy kinda dad like felix with silly nicknames hed be embarrassing…but hes very loving and caring and very energeticemilio: he likes kids;; kids generally like him;; hes neutral on having a child;; hed be kind of careless at first itd take him a while to get the hang of things but once he does hed be a great dad just like zacharieantoine: he doesnt like kids but he wont be a dick to them hed just rather avoid having to interact with them;; children would probably be interested in him since hes distant but they dont rly have much to go on for liking or disliking him;; the idea of having a child repulses himdušan: he has a soft spot for kids;; kids like him;; he doesnt like the idea of having a kid of his own;; hed be a great babysitter tho! hed be like the cool older brother figure to them…zinovia: shes neutral on children;; children like her;; she likes the idea of having a child;; shed be a great mom..shed be a sports mom..pta mom……her kids gonna fucken destroy ur kid in football karenalcides: hes neutral on kids;; kids dont rly like him;; he likes the idea of having a kid;; hed be the cool smart dad that if u need help with homework in like any subject he can almost always help and itll be rightvittorio: LOVES!! kids!!!!;; kids loved him!!;; he had 3 kids (leo/stella/giovanni) and he was very excited to have them!;; he was a great dad very loving and caring very patient and understanding he tired to make sure his kids got to choose the life they wanted to live, he wanted to make sure his kids didnt have to recover from their childhood like he did he tried his best….alessio: likes kids;; kids were usually neutral and pretty bored of him;; he liked the idea of having kids, he had 2 daughters;; he was a great dad very caring and loving he was overprotective hes still very shattered over their deaths..ippolito: shes neutral on kids;; kids loved her;; she liked the idea of having a kid eventually, she had 1;; she was a great mother, she worked very hard and loved and cared for her son with the time she had..zaria: hates kids, she will usually be dismissive towards them but she wont be aggressive or violent, she doesnt want to scare them either;; kids dont like her;; she hates the idea of having kids;; she wouldnt be a very good babysitter shed just keep to herself and do her own thing while the kid does something elsecorvi: likes kids, but only bc theyre easy to control;; kids are usually offput by them;; they hate the idea of having a child of their own;; they would be a terrible babysitter theyd trick children into doing things theyre not supposed to or even get them to accidentally hurt themselves, corvi is very detached and only interested in how people react to things but they dont really realize that people are…people so they often go overboard with what they dolodovico: hates kids, he thinks theyre stupid and whiny;; kids hate him too;; he hated the idea of having a kid but he did have 1 (felix);; he was a horrible father he was abusive and disgustingly obsessed with making his son just like him when he was still alive he used to stalk felixfiore: liked kids;; kids liked her!;; she liked the idea of having kids and had 3 (attilio/iacopo/mirabella);; she was a great mother! she was the original sports mom…the original pta mom….her kids are gonna kick ur kids asses…get over it hellen…….theyre just Better……but she was very loving and caring of her children especially of attilio, she tried to make up for the treatment he received from his birthfather(nunzio)attilio: didnt like kids, thought they were too noisy and touchy;; kids didnt like him either;; he was neutral on the idea of having kids of his own, he was originally excited when time came, he had 4 kids (alessio/vittorio/petruccio/elio);; he was a good dad until alessio turned 8 and it was time to begin his training he then realized the power he had over him and he ended up turning into his own fatheriacopo: liked kids!!;; kids liked to make fun of him…..;; had 4 kids (venceslao/vespasiano/ezikiel/erza);; he was a goofy dad…..mirabella: liked kids;; kids loved her;; she had 3 kids (doriano/ippolito/ardito);; she was a loving and caring mother, she was……….pta mom….nikolas: neutral on kids;; kids didnt like him;; neutral on the idea of having kids, had 1(miska);; he wasnt a good father he was loving and caring towards miska but held impossibly high standards that miska couldnt always reach he often expressed disappointment towards him and even got violent occasionally // he completely neglected pekka and most of the times when he did acknowledge pekkas existence it was to tell him that he shouldnt exist and how much of a failure and mistake he isreijo: likes kids for the same reason as corvi, theyre easy to control;; kids like him;; had 1(pekka);; terrible father he walked out then years later when pekka found him he only used pekka to do work for him and get pekka to buy him things hes a deadbeat loservuokko: neutral on kids, leaning towards a negative view;; kids were usually split on her she was either too serious or they liked her bc she was nice;; she had 2(miska/pekka);; she tried to give her love and care to miska and pekka but she also held impossibly high standards for pekka like nikolas did for miska but she didnt press on it much, for pekka she often got bitter and blamed him for fights she and nikolas got intoryker: likes kids!;; kids like them!;; they dont like the idea of having a child of their own;; theyd be a great babysitter! theyre a good caretaker and very fun and energetic theyre just the right balance of playtime and workdimitri: loves kids!;; kids love (to make fun of) him!;; had 1(zacharie);; hes a very loving and caring dad he works his hardest to be someone his son can count on hes incredibly proud of zacharie and his friends hes a father figure to pietro and agostina as well! hes jumbo big daddemetrio: doesnt like kids but is very patient and kind to them;; kids dont really like them, they think theyre boring;; they dont like the thought of ever having kids or having to look after one;; if they had to tho theyd be very overprotective but very emotionally distant they wouldnt be very fun to play with and they wouldnt try to connect with the child much but if the child wanted them to read to them or make some crafts or draw theyd gladly do that

okej…i have way more but….i think thats all ill do for now unless u ask for the rest bc this is……..a Lotbut thank u vv much!! i had fun answering this…

[brb-procrastinating]

all the blabbering that would have happened at my therapists office if only they gave me an appointment

if i do not get help now then im afraid i wont need it anymore. its a weird stage of life im in right now. too many big things have happened for me to handle and ive lived a pretty sheltered life and to be honest  at the risk of sounding dramatic i just dont see this improving. imean ive got alot of good things in the traditional sense of the word but there is no excitment and im living with the tought of constantly  disappointing and my parents have invested so much into me and i know they are supportive of what i chose but im strongly believe that i will be letting them down and im failing at my job just because i think im not meant to be doing this job tbh like i couldnt care less about the numbers and business but it brings good money and its good for cv and its good experience but my heart is not here. my grandma passed away because of cancer. and honeslty i feel robbed of her, of my family, of proper education, of adventure, of stability, i know now that i am an adult my life is in my hands and i can do anything i want but it would have been alot easier if i was encouraged to do things purely because i want to do them rather than because there is a whole list supporting the decision. im loved by everyone and by no one at the same time. love and connection are two different things it seems to me.  i tried to quiter college but i didnt ended up taking a break but im not sure going back made me happy. there is a way through but i dont know if im up for it because right now i am tired and alone and wasting my time in the worst possible way and i know if i just deal with this depression and anxiety i can be brilliant at anything i do. i know i have the potential but you see nobody sticks around. its almost like nobody takes things seriously when i say im feeling shit like i feel very much shit and everyone is symphatetic but it always comes off with suck it up and deal with it. well fuck you i refuse to deal with it id rather die