#i could talk about Ariana grande and my lacking opinions on her for five minutes but not ten if you catch my drift

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 3rd November 2019

I apologise for how late this will probably end up being posted, but we have a big week to talk about, with EIGHT new arrivals, two from Selena Gomez, three from Kanye West and two appearing here in the top 10 so I’m just going to get through everything as soon as possible to the best of my ability, although this week has several...mishaps on the BBC page to say the least, so I’ll try to correct them if I can, and I have had to wait for my week of non-stop Weezer listening to end or for me to accidentally slip up and listen to something else so I could actually write about the new arrivals here.

Top 10

Interestingly, none of the nonsense that this chart week ensued seems to appear in the top 2 or shake the #1 at all, as “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at its fifth consecutive week at the top of the UK Singles Chart.

“Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean – well, it’s actually a remix of a Jay Sean single but just let me relish in the fact Jay Sean is on the charts again – isn��t moving either at number-two, the runner-up spot.

The first impact that we can see at the top level of the charts is the debut at #3 for Selena Gomez’s first US #1 “Lose You to Love Me”, which the BBC has interestingly misspelled as “Loose You to Love Me”, her 13th UK Top 40 hit, fourth top 10 and highest-peaking song ever, after “It Ain’t Me” with Kygo peaked at #7. We’ll talk more about Selena Gomez’s two new arrivals later.

Thanks to Gomez, Post Malone’s “Circles” is down one spot to number-four.

At number-five is Ed Sheeran with “South of the Border” featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B, down three spots this week to number-five.

We have our second new arrival within the top 10, at number-six, “Follow God” by Kanye West from his ninth studio album, JESUS IS KING. He has several songs debuting here in the UK Top 40 this week, so we’ll talk more in-depth about his mini-album bomb later on, but this is his 44th UK Top 40 hit, which is crazy impressive, and his 20th top 10.

At number-seven, boosted up 11 spots by an Ariana Grande remix, is Lizzo with “Good as Hell”, making it officially her biggest song in the UK and her first top 10 hit, as well as Grande’s 16th.

Up two spaces to number-eight this week is “Memories” by Maroon 5.

Down two spaces from last week, we have Dermot Kennedy at number-nine with “Outnumbered”.

Finally, at #10, to round off the top 10, we have Lewis Capaldi’s “Bruises” down four spaces from last week.

Climbers

Naturally, there aren’t many climbers here because of the album bomb and influx of new arrivals, but we do have some unfortunate boosts for “hot girl bummer” by blackbear up five spaces to #25... and that’s all.

Fallers

Fallers on the other hand... we could split this up into genre, actually.

For pop, rock and EDM, we can start with “Lights Up” by Harry Styles deservedly flopping six spaces down to #17, then continue with “10,000 Hours” by Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber down 12 to #29, “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston down eight to #31, “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May down 10 to #32 and finally “Don’t Call Me Angel” by Ariana Grande featuring Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey down 13 to #39 – but that’s not all.

For hip hop and R&B, we have “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott down seven to #12, “Be Honest” by Jorja Smith and Burna Boy down five to #14, “Professor X” by Dave down seven to #21, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae down nine to #28, “Playing Games” by Summer Walker down nine to #33, “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey down 10 to #35 and finally, “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch down nine to #39... but again, that’s not all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

We have no returning entries but we sure do have a lot of dropouts, some of them genuine hits such as “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch out from #36 and “Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid out from #39, hits that never really hit the landing with the British general public but have been on the middling section of the charts for a while and could easily rebound like “Motivation” by Normani out from #27, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo and remixed by DaBaby from #31, “frick, i’m lonely” by LAUV and Anne-Marie out from #32 and “Lalala” by Y2K and bbno$ and remixed by Carly Rae Jepsen and Enrique Iglesias out from #37, as well as some genuinely premature drop-outs such as “Graveyard” by Halsey out from #29 and finally, “47” by Sidhu Moose Wala, MIST, Steel Banglez and Stefflon Don out from #38. Now, finally, after all that time spent on stray UK Top 40 observations... let’s talk about Kanye.

ALBUM BOMB: Kanye West – JESUS IS KING

On October 25th, Kanye released his ninth studio album, JESUS IS KING, after missing several release dates and changing name from YANDHI. Kanye, a now born-again Christian, makes a “gospel” album free of any explicit lyrics, accompanied by a short film of the same name. It features an all-star guest list of vocalists and producers, including frequent collaborators Ant Clemons, Benny Blanco and Mike Dean, the reunion of legendary rap group Clipse, trap beat-makers Pi’erre Bourne and Ronny J, and smooth jazz saxophonist Kenny G. Obviously, it went #1 in the US, #2 here, but to mixed reviews – now, I won’t be focusing on the politics that surround the album and I am not very knowledgeable of religion so I cannot really comment on much beyond my understanding of Christianity and arguably more importantly, the lore of Kanye West. Mark Grondin of Spectrum Pulse already quoted more Bible quotes in his album review than I could remember digits of pi, and several people, like DeadEndHipHop, Sean Cee and even Anthony Fantano, whether you like them or not, have made several in-depth discussion videos about whether West’s sudden revelation is a genuine moment for the rapper, a mental breakdown or a cash-grab. I’m here to discuss the music... but even that’s not very good. I wrote a very lengthy review for the album two days after it came out (And before it went through an additional few fixes for mixing quirks, sigh) which will be linked here if I remember, and overall, it was disappointing, a light 4/10 and easily the worst record in West’s discography. Regardless, let’s talk about the debuts here.

#20 – “Closed on Sunday” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, Angel Lopez, Brian “AllDay” Miller, Federico Vindver and Timbaland – Peaked at #17 in the US

Features uncredited vocals from the Sunday Service choir and A$AP Bari(?)

The most memeable yet also one of the most detestable tracks on the album, this is his 45th UK Top 40 hit. “Closed on Sunday” was one of the few tracks set to fail off the pure concept, as the biggest issue with most songs on JESUS IS KING is the lack of development or complete mishandling of great ideas, to the point where there basically is no effort to, you know, write a song here. “Closed on Sunday” is essentially one verse split into half due to a flow switch at the midpoint, and despite a runtime of only two minutes and 32 seconds, it drones on endlessly, with a solemn guitar melody leading into what could sound like a pretty cool, dark ballad, built up by the choir vocalising in harmonies that sound actually pretty great but then the 808s come in and ruin any sense of harmony. Kanye comes in with some of the worst mixing I’ve ever heard vocals have, especially on an album with the budget Kanye has, with a lot of background noise and I can even hear the buttons pressed on the phone or other device Kanye is using to record at about 0:38, which signals a drastic change in how the vocals are mixed, but it’s still shoddy and allows them to have some pretty severe clipping during the “chorus”, until a sudden shift where a turgid beeping sound works as a pathetic excuse for you know, an actual synth, and until now, Kanye’s vocals have not had reverb or Auto-Tune added onto them, so his vocals being drenched in effects actually sounds great here... but he still has a sore throat and sounds like he’s struggling here, although unlike “God Is” and just about the entirety of 808s & Heartbreak, where it adds to the emotive performance, Kanye sounds bored and with no choir backing him like they could have been, the release here just isn’t as cinematic as it could be and it just sounds like a melodramatic Kanye aimlessly spouting random Bible motifs over 808s without taking his daily Dequadin lozenge... and there are no drums... ever. Oh, and A$AP Bari comes in at the end to shout “Chick-fil-A”, abruptly interrupting the beat’s natural progression and making it clear as day that the album is unfinished. Also, speaking of those lyrics, should you really be comparing YOURSELF to a fast food restaurant that donates charity to anti-LGBT hate and pressure groups? That’s not very Christ-like, Ye. It probably wouldn’t matter if they didn’t either, because a thinly-veiled Taylor Swift reference (Yes, I know the Bible mentions “snakes” and “vipers” as much as reputation does, but the two aren’t on good terms so it’s no coincidence in my opinion) and calling God your “number-one with the lemonade” don’t exactly make you sound like a wordsmith. Oh, and A$AP Bari, the uncredited vocalist on the outro, pleaded guilty to sexual assault earlier this year, which again doesn’t exactly sound like a Christ-like thing to be supporting either... but I digress. The version he performed on Jimmy Kimmel with a genuine choir backing him and a brass band is miles ahead of this, so don’t bother with this version, or better yet, don’t bother with this monotonous crap at all.

#19 – “Selah” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, E*vax, BoogzDaBeast, Federico Vindver, benny blanco and Francis Starlite – Peaked at #19 in the US

Features uncredited vocals from the Sunday Service choir, Ant Clemons and Bongo ByTheWay

Now, I’m slightly more positive on his 46th UK Top 40 hit, “Selah”, the opening track (Aside from the short “Every Hour” interlude / intro track which is only Sunday Service) of JESUS IS KING, yet that might actually make it more frustrating and it’s easily the track I come back the least to because overall, it’s actually pretty uninteresting and doesn’t have a true “hook”. It starts with some cloudy synth noodling that sounds kind of cool with the subtle strings but then Kanye comes in with some pretty awfully-mixed vocals that is incredibly unprofessional, teasing his fans for wanting YANDHI, and saying it was coming before “Jesus Christ did the laundry”, and quoting John 8:33 to excuse his “Slavery is a choice” comment, which he’s been trying to respond to the backlash to for about a year and a half now, failing each time. Also:

Pour the lean out slower

Hold up –that ain’t Christ-like. The explosions of marching band drums come in in a similar fashion to “Feel the Love” off of KIDS SEE GHOSTS, and then honestly the bridge, which is insanely repetitive but builds up tension perfectly with Ant Clemons and the Sunday Service choir repeating “Hallelujah” incessantly with distant guitar strings, handclaps and sudden pitch shifts reflecting the change in Kanye’s mindset and the intensity soon becomes a lot more ramped up from now on, finishing the bridge with a pretty beautiful vocal line that the 808s hilariously harmonise with. Then, Kanye comes back in with a verse co-written by Pusha T, and you can REALLY tell, and it’s still awfully-mixed, when there’s no true excuse. He’s drowned out by the bursts of drums and bass as well as the choir’s recurring vocal sample. The best part of the song soon kind of fizzles out in a chaotic outro, in which fireworks literally go off while Kanye screams nonsense as well as “Yeezus” which isn’t exactly Christ-like, but it sounds insane and honestly a tad odd and unfitting for the album, which is supposed to be an uptempo Christian rap album? While there are parts of this song I don’t approve of, especially Kanye, who ruins pretty much every song he’s on... on his own album, this is pretty tolerable, albeit somewhat contradictory lyrically and far from my favourite Kanye track. At least there’s some grandiosity and emotion here.

#6 – “Follow God” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, BoogszDaBeast and Xcelence – Peaked at #7 in the US

I should be thankful for the grandiosity and emotion behind “Selah”, because this sure doesn’t have any of that. How the HELL does this have three producers? How on Earth does this album have 11 people on the mixing and mastering and yet this still sound like absolute gutter trash in my headphones? “Follow God” is easily the least interesting song on the JESUS IS KING album, and that’s pretty impressive for a record that contains the song “Water” with Ant Clemons, yet it’s the biggest and I don’t see why at all. There straight-up isn’t a chorus by any meaning of the word, or its many synonyms, and its dated production almost resembling 90s hip hop in the soul sample from 1974’s “Can You Lose by Following God” by Whole Truth and the genuine 90s groove and funk that is somewhere here in the beat, doesn’t exactly make it sound like a catchy trap banger that would reach the US top 10 in 2019, but it’s there. It’s called by many fans a spiritual successor to 2016’s “Father Stretch My Hands” from The Life of Pablo but other than using the lyric “Father, I stretch my hands”, I don’t see it, mostly because the 2016 effort doesn’t actually have much relation to Christianity outside of the beautiful gospel choir harmonising with Caroline Shaw on the bridge of that single. In fact, that song does a better job at flipping Christian rap on its head – it’s a two-part trap banger featuring verses from Desiigner and lines about... bleached posteriors. This song on the other hand is only one minute and 44 seconds, with one badly-mixed and distorted verse from Kanye that is as repetitive as the mind-numbing recurring “Yeah” vocal sample and prone to making me roll my eyes with its one verse and the... outro of sorts. But since this beat is so minimalistic, surely he wants us to hear what he’s saying, right? Well, no, probably not, because not only is his “wordplay”(?) and half-rhymes embarrassing, but I have so many questions to raise to this drum pattern. I want to interview the 808 and the kick drum and ask what the heck they think they’re doing.

People really know you, push your buttons like type-write

That’s not a sentence. “Like type-write”? Excuse my brief, unsubtle blasphemy, but Jesus.

Every single night, right? Every single fight, right?

The ‘i’-based rhyme scheme here is cool in concept and he finds his way around it pretty well, in a fast-paced rap flow that I actually really like, but it reeks of laziness, especially since not only does he completely abandon the rhyme scheme 55 seconds in but – yes, I counted – his verse is 69 seconds, that’s one minute and nine seconds. To put into perspective, Rick Ross’ verse on “Devil in a New Dress” off of Kanye’s 2010 album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one minute and 28 seconds, only twenty seconds longer than this one, and it includes ten times as much clever wordplay, story-telling, interesting flow switches and bars that are really epic, making the song feel really celebratory of sorts actually – and that’s without the epic guitar solo that precedes it. What a fantastic song. On the other hand, this song is substance-less and Kanye says very little of anything despite how much he crams into every bar in the rapid yet sometimes pretty awkward flow. What he’s supposed to be discussing is his situation with his father and how when he was yelling at him and having a massive argument and fall-out, Ray West told him, it wasn’t Christ-like, leading to a revelation and possibly becoming the catalyst for the already-kickstarted Christian rebirth. Surely, his dad and God are the two most important men in his life, right? Then why does this feel passionless and boring? Why doesn’t this feel genuine? Fellow Christian rapper NF, a white rapper who makes bland piano-lead pop-rap with sung hooks, would call this flavourless, dull and more importantly, grey. It doesn’t feel blue and gold like he wants it to as he uses the colours to imply royalty, luxury and loyalty to God on the album cover and lyric video. This doesn’t show loyalty. You made this in five minutes, Kanye. You made this on a whim because you had an idea and you ran with it but you had no idea on how to actually develop it into something interesting or even listenable. What part of this shows royalty, luxury and a rich, graceful connection with God? This sounds cheap and gross, and frankly incredibly disappointing from such a talented artist. I haven’t even gotten onto the rest of the song, man, and I don’t even want to. “Decimal” doesn’t rhyme with “wrestle”, Kanye. “Wrestlin’ with God, I don’t even want to wrestle”? That’s the deepest you want to go into your confusion and conflict between Christianity and fame? That’s pathetic, as is the random screaming at the end of this track for quirky or emotive bonus points. There’s nothing lifelike or Christ-like about your lifestyle, Kanye West. Get some help.

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 – “Nice to Meet Ya” – Niall Horan

Produced by Julian Bunetta – Peaked at #9 in Ireland and #83 in the US

Sorry to any of the Niall Horan fans who crashed his website when this single was announced, but I have considerably less to say about the rest of these new arrivals than I do about Kanye West and/or Jesus Christ. I have to talk about them regardless of if I have anything I can actually add, and this one is one I’ve actually already heard since I watched the MTV EMAs and he performed it. I thought nothing of it initially, but this is the Irishman from One Direction’s comeback single after his debut studio album Flicker. This is Horan’s third UK Top 40 hit and first since 2017’s “Too Much to Ask” which peaked at #24, and I did not expect this shift to late 90s and early 2000s dance-rock, but I am definitely not complaining. It starts with a catchy piano line that’s pretty Robbie Williams-esque, then the drop comes in and it is killer. The sleek synths decorating the rock drums in a lot of slickness that you wouldn’t expect out of such a meek stage presence add to the chorus pretty well, but the best part of that chorus is the distant pitch-shifted vocal sample yelling in the background, making it feel even more industrial which again is out of character for Niall, the quiet, shy folk boy, but he definitely has the charisma to pull off this type of swaggering, stomping pop rock anthem, and he proves that in the sing-along bridge, where even his murmuring hums stand out, and while he’s drowned out by the cool bassline and drum pattern most of the time, his vocal delivery really is the highlight of the song, even if that is equally vintage and in a way, pretty nostalgic for the era it replicates. Funnily enough, it has the same lack of care for organised structure that “Lights Up” by Harry Styles had just two weeks ago, but the careless, reckless groove of this song works a lot more in Horan’s favour than Styles’. Just saying.

#27 – “Orphans” – Coldplay

Produced by Rik Simpson, Dan Green, Bill Rahko, Max Martin, Angel Lopez and Federico Vindver – Peaked at #14 in Scotland

Coldplay, with their most recent upcoming album Everyday Life, are getting pretty experimental. It’s an hour-long double-album kept a secret until a month before it is set to release featuring a track list full of songs that have odd stylisations like “BrokEn” and share song names with Arabic poems. “Arabesque”, the B-side to “Orphans”, is a storm of nu-jazz trumpets with a Fela Kuti-inspired breakdown and uncredited guest vocals from Stromae, as well as profanity, which is a first for the band. I’m not surprised at all that one didn’t kick off but we are instead left with their 24th UK Top 40 hit and first since “Something Just Like This” with the Chainsmokers peaked at #2 in 2017, “Orphans”, which is a lot tamer of a track to say the least. That doesn’t mean it’s any worse though. It starts with a kids’ choir singing before we get into a tropical rock jam with a funky bassline that I wouldn’t be surprised if Flea wrote, it’s that tight. Chris Martin sounds as focused on Christianity as he did on the Avicii album earlier this year, directly name-dropping Heaven in the first verse, and then joining in with the nonsense words that the vocal samples had been repeating prior to the verse. The chorus is pretty reminiscent of arena rock, specifically “Paradise” I feel as it has that same nasal falsetto but in a lot more palatable fashion, mostly because this actually has groove and you know, a pulse. Yeah, this is pretty great, and I love the bridge of purely the mythical guitar and Chris Martin’s ethereal vocals. Something I didn’t notice on initial listen is how that the song is about a girl, Rosaleem, during the Damascus bombing in Syria from last year (That’s what the nonsense words and sound effects are all about), who is greeted by angels who talk to her about what Heaven will be like, which is “almond and peach trees in bloom” but also a place for her dad to get drunk and talk with his friends so he can feel young again. That’s actually pretty deep subject matter, and together with Niall Horan, I’m glad we can have some fantastic rock on the charts again. “Arabesque” is the better of the two Coldplay songs though.

#26 – “Look at Her Now” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick – Peaked at #7 in Slovakia and #27 in the US

Man, those last two songs were so powerful and organic, I almost want some disposable garbage to review next. It’ll just be easier. Oh, we have two Selena Gomez songs and a new AJ Tracey single to cover? Perfect, that’s just what I asked for! Yeah, this is Selena Gomez’s 14th UK Top 40 hit and it is awful, but not even close to as offensively bad “Closed on Sunday” or “Follow God” are. It’s just a mistake on all fronts. The passionless vocal samples drowned out in the background that peters out by the verse and the nothingness of the synths and a glitchy beat that abruptly kicks itself out of the mix every other second, as well as Selena Gomez’s weak, whispery vocals don’t exactly scream “passionate, boasting kiss-off” to me. The chorus is absolutely PATHETIC, if it even exists at all – I mean, it’s just a bunch of different sound effects Selena Gomez made pretty much, with her rhythmically humming as if that’s an excuse for an actual chorus with some unintelligible, stuttering and sometimes whispered repetitions of the song title as well as several “W-w-w-w-wow”s that add very little to the song and seem pretty pointless. This is mixed well for the most part, despite the synths clipping at times and Selena’s vocoder-ed ad-libs in the second chorus being way louder than anything else in the mix, but I have no idea what the composers of this song were thinking. What a trainwreck. It almost sounds like glitch-pop to be honest, it’s chaos, and if it were marketed as that maybe I’d appreciate it more, but if this is supposed to be a genuine brag to Justin Bieber asking him to see what he’s missing, he might as well have dated a robot. I think a RateYourMusic user summed it up best: “This is so monumentally mediocre that it barely even exists.”

#22 – “Floss” – AJ Tracey featuring MoStack and Not3s

Produced by The Elements and AJ Tracey

AJ Tracey is a British rapper who had his break out this year and he released his self-titled debut studio album back in February, but it now has a deluxe edition, with five extra songs, this being one of them. I wasn’t exactly impressed with the album as it’s mostly pretty bland Americanised trap fluff with only some promising elements of dancehall (“Butterflies” with Not3s and remixed by Popcaan), grime (“Horror Flick”) and UK garage (“Ladbroke Grove”, one of my favourite songs of the year) propping up whenever AJ sees fit, but it’s 48 minutes so these moments can’t carry the whole track listing. Lucky for us, he’s increased that runtime to just over an hour and included a couple more boring trap songs to listen to. Joy. This is AJ’s seventh UK Top 40 hit, MoStack’s eighth and Not3’s sixth. This song relies on a pretty sweet falsetto vocal sample under a surprisingly energetic trap beat, with some pretty nice steel pans and cowbells in addition to the skittering hi-hats and 808s. AJ Tracey is pretty okay here, but I feel with these lyrics and beat he could have gone for a faster and more impressive flow than what he brings out here. I’m still in love with his “bling-blaow” ad-lib though. MoStack is embarrassing as always, with an oddly-mixed verse and sometimes off-beat flow, with the most obvious difference between him and AJ being that there aren’t any ad-libs or multi-tracked vocals, which is mostly the same with Not3s’ non-existent and actually pretty unnecessary bridge (He should have just added to the final chorus, though his last few bars sound nice). Mo does have a pretty funny line about how you wouldn’t be able to notice him on CCTV and would confuse him with Dave though. This is better than I expected, but still nothing of interest to me. Sorry.

#3 – “Lose You to Love Me” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Mattman & Robin and FINNEAS – Peaked at #1 in the US

Now, much like Coldplay, Selena Gomez also released two lead singles, however both charted and they are drastically different to Coldplay’s, quality-wise at least. This is supposed to be the big massive smash ballad hit that hit #1 in the US, becoming her first ever song to reach that peak, but I can’t bring myself to care, because honestly, this is one of her least interesting singles she’s ever released. Out of all of her songs, including some I actually like such as “It Ain’t Me” and “Same Old Love”, this seems like one of the most unlikely #1s yet it tugs at our heartstrings with the pianos from FINNEAS, Billie Eilish’s brother and producer, and it’s about how Justin Bieber dumped her with wordplay revolving around “purpose” – wow, it’s almost like she’s talking about Justin Bieber’s ALBUM, Purpose! Ugh, her mind! Okay, I’ll stop mocking her fanbase and the general public, because this really isn’t a bad song. Selena Gomez can’t sing, so through thinly-veiled Auto-Tune, the producers cleverly multi-track her vocals to create a grand, powerhouse chorus out of the repetition of “To love, to love, yeah” and because it’s a pop ballad, the vocals can be breathy and untrained and it’s fine, right? It’s a ballad, it doesn’t need to be perfect, and hence we can take advantage of the complete lack of singing talent this person has. I don’t know, it just seems so cliché and predictable to me. You can only tell it’s a FINNEAS beat once the second verse hits and the synths get jerkier with the bass wobbles, and he usually has a pretty signature sound, so yeah, that’s the best way to put it. Or, perhaps, this song is also so monumentally mediocre that it barely even exists.

Conclusion

Again, I’m sorry this is out so late but it was a big ordeal to write, especially due to all the Kanye songs. I’ll try and get the next one out a lot sooner, I assure you, but there’s an album bomb this week too, so we’ll see about that. Anyways, the Best of the Week is going to Coldplay for “Orphans”, who just barely edged out Niall Horan, who gets the Honourable Mention, with “Nice to Meet Ya”. Worst of the Week should be obvious, in fact, it’s not going to a song, it’s going to three songs, all by Kanye West. “Saleh” isn’t all that bad, but JESUS IS KING was such an immense disappointment that I think he should be crowned Worst of the Week based on not only “Closed on Sunday” or God forbid “Follow God”, but also on principle alone. The Dishonourable Mention is going to Selena Gomez for “Look at Her Now” for being hilariously misguided in the production area, Jesus. I’m going to wrap this week up with a Top 40 ranking of the whole chart on Twitter, which I’ll try to do bi-weekly, no guarantee, so follow me there @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and shoddy attempts at humour, and I’ll be seeing you here again next week. Peace!

[nomenomen]

I enjoy lame things and hurting myself, i lack friends and talk to myself

01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

i started loving her day after day and I couldn’t control it

 I used to find him very good looking, and then I got to know him and found out he’s charming, and smart, and funny, and it was kind of a slippery slope.

02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you? my boobs are terribly sore right now

 My left ass cheek and my shoulders are kinda sore because of some ice-skating falls, but I’m alive.

03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night? “i need to study more tomorrow”

 “I wish I didn’t have to come home and I wish I could have stayed more in bed with you.”

04: what are you listening to? mean by pink

 Death of a bachelor by Panic! At the Disco

 05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?

my exam in two days

 My exam next month.

 06: where do you think your best friend is right now?

at home, I guess

 Both at home, both in Milan.

 07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days? i haven’t

Yes.

08: sex on the first date? i would if I felt like it

 Probably not.

09: kiss on the first date? why not

 Yes.

10: is there one person you want to be with right now? yes

 Yes.

11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life? not happy, not unhappy

 Yes I am. Terribly out of character statement.

12: is there something you would like to say to someone? there is a billion things

 Nothing I can’t just say.

13: what are three things you did today? i studied, baked cookies and made myself chamomile

 I ate an ice cream, walked in the rain, tried on a leather jacket.

14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? have them over. i love my own bed too damn much

I would like to spend a night at a friend’s house.

15: what is your favourite kind of gum? i prefer candy

 I still prefer candy.

16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/girlfriends? yes

 No.

17: what is on your wrists right now? my skin

 The sleeves of my hoodie.

18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? almost every time i liked somebody I thought I didn’t stand a chance

 Not recently.

19: does anyone have strong feelings for you? i don’t know, i hope so

 “yeah, I sure hope it does” vine frame

20: are you slowly drifting away from someone? i wish I weren’t but i am

 Not right now.

21: have you ever wasted your time on someone? i am starting to think so now

Yes absolutely.

22: can you do the alphabet in sign language? i can’t but i want to learn

 I still haven’t learned, but I do know how to sign a couple words now.

23: how have you felt today? terribly tired

 Very bored.

24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?

food, a dress i love

 I don’t know. I want to say books, or a stationery shopping spree. Or maybe pay for a fancy date.

 25: what is wrong with you right now? i wish i could pinpoint just one thing

 I have a headache and I am kind of pissed that my weight and my diet seem to be a matter of public opinion and discussion. Aside from that, I’m good.

26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? yes. so, so much

 As of now, no, I’m currently not disappointed in anyone.

27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now? i don’t know what jamba juice is so i’m gonna go with starbucks edit - i googled jamba juice. i want alllll of that inside of me. hell yes.

 I googled jamba juice again. I want that one.

28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? because we can never go anywhere and we have to accept we can never be more than friends

 Cause she’s a bitch. B I C T H. In that order.

29: how late did you stay up last night and why? i went to sleep around four. sometimes it’s just how it is. it will fix itself

 I went to sleep around one because I spent the evening at my boyfriend’s house and we kept ignoring the time ‘cause none of us wanted to leave.

30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? right now

 I’m talking to him now.

31: what were you doing an hour ago? watching snl sketches because i need some damn fun in my life

 Reading The Great Gatsby.

32: what are you looking forward to in the next month? the end of this horrible summer and the start of a hopefully better autumn

 Finishing my exams and spending all of my free time with my boyfriend.

33: are you wearing jeans right now? i’m not

 No.

34: are you a patient person? it depends on the situation, on the people…

 Depends on what I need to be patient for. Overall, not quite.

35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months? i can last a whole life

 Yes.

36: favourite colour? green

 Green and blue.

37: did you have a dream last night? if i have, i can’t remember

 I’m sure I did, and I usually remember them but today I don’t.

38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? short shorts

 Sweatpants.

39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? if i don’t say it it will count as a wish and come true

 My boyfriend.

40: do you love anyone who is not related to you? yes

 Yes.

41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? absolutely

 Of course. Being honest is always important.

42: do you like meeting new people? sometimes, when i’m in a decent mood

 Not really. I’m very awkward when I first get to know people. But I do like it when I get over that and get new friends.

43: are you afraid of falling in love? i never want to for the rest of my life

 Kind of, sometimes.

44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself? it has happened

 Yes, but not since I last answered this question.

45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

i have pretty boring eyes

 Yes.

 46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? everybody has expectation, and it scares me how much i think about that when i do anything, rather than thinking about myself and what i expect

 Yes. In many occasions. But I know how to work it through.

47: take a selfie right now and show us? forget it 

 I got one this morning, hope it’s ok.

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

I’m in a complicated relationship right now and I don’t know if this is really good for me or it’s just my emotions taking the lead and making me make horrible horrible decisions.

I’m conflicted about having sex.

·         2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

I do. Every morning.

Yes.

·         3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

I’d be worried for their health, but I would just consider it their business after all.

I don’t.

·         4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

I find it easier to stay as far as possible from anyone and tell myself I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need no one.

Absolutely not. It’s definitely something I should work on.

·         5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Studying like crazy.

Something not PG-13.

·         6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably no one. And that’s probably the reason I’m sad and drunk.

My friends and my boyfriend and it’s my birthday and, honestly, we’re all having a great time.

·         7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

 Unfortunately, I had to experience this first hand. Before I thought it was something I could simply not forgive, but when it actually happened to me, I just took my time and then acted as if it didn’t matter.

 I would leave that person and not look back. Fool me once.

 ·         8: Are you close with your dad?

Very much.

Yes.

·         9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

I wish.

I did.

·         10: What are you listening to?

A playlist called beautiful songs to break your heart and make you feel. I think that says a lot about me.

7 rings by Ariana Grande. Gee thanks, just bought it.

 ·         11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Water. Water all the way.

Yep, water.

·         12. Do you like hickeys?

I do. I like having them, and I like giving them.

No.

·         13: What time do you go to bed?

When I do, it’s really late. When I don’t, I sleep a couple hours in the afternoon.

Around midnight, a little earlier if I’m tired or I need to wake up early in the morning; a little later if I need to study.

·         14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

I guess.

Not right now in my life.

·         15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Not really.

Kind of.

·         16: Do you always answer your texts?

Always, as soon as I possibly can.

Yes.

·         17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

Somehow, I do.

No.

·         18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

A couple minutes ago.

I am right now.

·         19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

Yes. 

Yes! Yes. So happy.

·         20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

I wish I could erase my memory and start all over again.

I wish I was still in bed with you.

·         21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

I’m alone.

No.

·         22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

I don’t. People can be good or bad and not have to respond for anything for the rest of their lives. It’s just how it is.

I don’t. It’s not gonna stop me from hoping bitches will get fucked though.

·         23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

The last three months have been hell, but I would have to go far back in time to find something I can call happy.

Oh baby, no. I’m very happy right now, thank you very much.

·         24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

There is. But I’m afraid we can never fix things again.

No.

·         25: In the past week, have you cried?

A lot.

No? No!!!

·         26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

I’m wearing a black dress.

I’m wearing a black hoodie.

·         27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

My first name is just fine.

No.

·         28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

I don’t think so.

No.

·         29: Do you have a best friend?

I do.

More than one.

·         30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

It would kill me. But I guess it’s just a matter of time now.

O o f. It would.

·         31: Who was your last call from?

My dad.

I think my mom.

·         32: Are you mad at anyone?

Mostly at myself.

No, I’m good.

·         33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

I did, but it was just a couple months difference.

Same answer as last time.

·         34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

Twenty.

24. We’re so old.

·         35: How many more days until your birthday?

Nineteen, yay!

252, I’m so ready.

·         36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

I’m just hoping for it to be over as soon as possible.

Look, it’s January. I will, maybe, who knows.

·         37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

I do. Very good friends of mine.

Yes.

·         38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

I am always keeping something from someone.

No. Definitely not.

·         39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Kind of.

No.

·         40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

I regret it very much.

Yes.

·         41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

Not really.

Not that much.

·         42: Are you available?

I never am.

No. Never.

·         43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

One.

Two.

·         44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

I’d get my tongue pierced.

Absolutely a tongue piercing.

·         45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

I have to.

No.

·         46: Do you regret anything?

Committing to a serious relationship with someone who was’t ready. It’s not her fault, but it wasn’t mine either. I guess it was just terrible timing. Or terrible luck.

Yes. I regret my previous relationship because it ended up being shitty for me and I’m incapable of finding the good in the bad.

·         47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

I want to be clean now. I want to forget and forgive. I don’t want this relationship to be everything I constantly think about.

I think I’m in love.

·         48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

I did. Now it doesn’t seem so bad, but back then it hurt like a bitch.

Yes.

·         49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

I have to tell myself it was.

No, it was a pretty great kiss.

·         50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

Because she cannot love me back.

Because I did and I got him.

·         51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

Many times.

No.

·         52: Do you still talk with the person you last kissed?

I do.

Of course.

·         53: What was the last thing you ate?

A kiwi fruit.

Almonds.

·         54: Did you get any compliments today?

I was told I got skinnier.

No.

·         55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

I don’t know when my next vacation will be. Probably years.

No idea.

·         56: Do you own anything from other countries?

Some things here and there.

Yes. Half of my belongings come from Belgium.

·         57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

It’s a fifty-fifty kinda situation.

Still and even number.

·         58: Where have you lived most of your life?

Here in Italy.

Still Italy.

·         59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

I never did, but I wish I could.

I don’t drive.

·         60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

I haven’t.

No, I think it’s kind of late for that experience.

·         61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

It’s not really a thing here.

Nope.

·         62: Who do you text the most?

My sister.

My friend.

·         63: What was the last movie you saw?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Again.

I did watch something recently but for the love of me I can’t remember what it was. Yes, I got it! I watched the Ore Monogatari live action.

·         64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

I don’t have anyone.

This bomb pussy that’s what.

·         65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010?

One boyfriend.

Still one boyfriend.

·         66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

She is, by a little more than a month.

No, he’s a little older by a couple months.

·         67: Do you curse around your parents?

I don’t.

No.

·         68: Are you happy with where you live?

Not really.

I’m not.

·         69: Do you collect anything?

I start collections of literally anything.

Yes. Books and other random stuff.

·         70: What’s your favourite colour?

Green.

Green and blue.

·         71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone?

Everything reminds me of just one thing right now.

Yes.

·         72: Has anyone ever cheated on you?

Yes.

Yes.

·         73: What are your plans for tomorrow?

Buying cream, eggs, and chocolate to bake, and then studying.

I need to read and study. Also I want to watch some Steven Universe. And I hope they’ll deliver my new camera so I can try it out, since mine’s broken.

·         74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?

I have a younger sister that is sixteen.

No, she’s gonna be 20 in a little more than a month.

·         75: Does your last ex have a job?

I don’t think so.

How should I know?

·         76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship?

I couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything. I know this moment is just bound to happen sooner or later.

Hope it sucks. Bitch.

·         77: Where is your cellphone?

Next to me, charging.

Charging, four years later.

·         78: What colour is your cellphone?

It’s black.

Gold. But, like, tasteful gold.

·         79: What did you dream of last night?

I can’t remember.

Unfortunately I can’t remember. Which is a shame, cause I have some pretty weird dreams

·         80: Are you atheist?

Mostly.

Yes.

·         81: Will you change your name when you get married?

Not in a thousand years.

No.

·         82: Are you ready for autumn weather?

Fucking bring it on.

I’m ready for summer and dresses and looking bomb.

·         83: Have you had any big storms recently?

I have.

Don’t get me started. December 2018 has been a  r i d e.

·         84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing?

Told you, it’s a dress.

Green sweatpants.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 5th May 2019 (Stormzy, Taylor Swift, bird sounds lol)

This week is really busy and crazy, so I’m going to try and keep it brief – although I have a lot to say.

Top 10

The biggest – or the first immediately notable – story is the new number-one, as “Vossi Bop” by Stormzy, reaching a peak of 12.6 million streams in its first week, the most ever for a British rapper. Its battle with our number-three spot was heavily publicised and Stormzy (And Lil Nas X) understandably won, mostly because of timing, however I don’t think Taylor Swift could have gotten the number-one spot anyway. At least pop music has gotten exciting, I guess – doesn’t mean the UK charts are any good right now, but it’s a significant improvement. This song is massive as is its video, and Stormzy’s first-ever #1 on the chart as a credited artist, and fourteenth top 40 overall (It’s his sixth top 10 hit overall). I pray to God this crosses over to the US, because, yes, I think it can.

To my surprise, Lil Nas X is still at number-two with “Old Town Road”, down a spot from last week, featuring Billy Ray Cyrus. I thought it’d be left demolished by Swift and Stormzy, but here we are, I suppose. Speaking of...

At number-three, we have another debut, Taylor Swift’s 25th (!) Top 40 hit and her 13th Top 10 hit, and Brendon Urie’s sixth Top 40 hit and first ever Top 10 hit, “ME!” credited to Taylor Swift featuring Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco, or as the YouTube video claimed, “(feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco) ft. Brendon Urie”. I’ll talk more about this and “Vossi Bop” later, but it’s safe to say that this was even huger than Stormzy’s track, at least worldwide, yet was beaten in pure sales and streaming. I guess that’s what we get for not counting radio on the UK charts.

Now it gets less interesting. “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is down one spot to number-four, thankfully.

“Piece of Your Heart” by MEDUZA and Goodboys is naturally down three spots to number-five thanks to the sheer power of the top three.

Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” is down two spaces to number-six.

The late Avicii’s posthumous release “SOS”, featuring Aloe Blacc, is down one position to number-seven.

Tom Walker’s “Just You and I” is holding on, down three to number-eight.

Russ (Splash) and Tion Wayne’s “Keisha & Becky” is still safe off of the remix’s longevity, down a spot to number-nine.

Finally, rounding off the top 10 at #10, is “Location” by Dave featuring Burna Boy, up a singular spot from last week.

Climbers

Okay, first of all, “All Day and Night” by Jax Jones and Martin Solveig as EUROPA featuring Madison Beer is only up two spaces so it’s not notable enough, but may I add that the official single image was used for weeks until they decided to use the thumbnail for a version uploaded via TunesToTube.com and I’m not joking, the watermark is still present and visible in the image used – how does this slip through the cracks? Anyways, “No Diet” by Digga D is up seven to #20, becoming his first ever UK Top 20 hit, “Carry On” by Kygo and Rita Ora from Detective Pikachu is up nine spaces to #30, and that’s all.

Fallers

Fallers are a different story though, there’s quite a lot to talk about here. First of all, the streaming for Jonas Brothers’ “Sucker” may or may not have been cut as it’s down six spaces to #13, whilst four consecutive early 2019 hits continue their gradual fades out of relevance, with “Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man down eight to #24 but “Don’t Feel Like Crying” by Sigrid, “i’m so tired...” by LAUV and Troye Sivan as well as “Don’t Call Me Up” by Mabel all down six positions to fill up the #25-#27 slots. I’m also unsure to why there are premature drops for George Ezra’s “Pretty Shining People” down 12 to #37 and “Let Me Down Slowly” by Alec Benjamin featuring Alessia Cara down seven to #38, although our final drop here from Post Malone with “Wow.” down six to #40 is fully expected.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Some earlier 2019 hits are making room for the Summer it seems, perhaps due to streaming cuts as “bury a friend” by Billie Eilish is out from #15 and “Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani is out from #36. Some songs that never went anywhere like “Who Do You Love” by The Chainsmokers featuring 5 Seconds of Summer and “MONOPOLY” by Ariana Grande and Victoria Monet are also out, from #38 and #40 respectively, but the biggest story is George Ezra’s “Shotgun”, which has spent nearly all of its 58 non-consecutive weeks on the Top 75 chart in the Top 40, and is finally out from #30 – although it’s still outside of the top 40. Other than that, there are no drop-outs or returning entries to speak of, so let’s get to reviewing the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#36 – “Sixteen” – Ellie Goulding

Produced by Mike Wise and FRED – Peaked at #19 in Scotland

Okay, so, I’ve never had to talk about Ellie Goulding all too much, and to be perfectly honest, she’s continued to sour on me the more she puts out and the less unique her material gets. Sure, her songwriting chops have always been there and hopefully always will, but she isn’t as interesting as I wish she was, especially instrumentally as while her producers carved her own lane back when she was making stuff like “Lights”, she seems just to be chasing trends in recent years. Regardless of my opinion of Ellie Goulding, she’s made some good stuff and this is her twenty-second UK Top 40 hit, so let’s see how it fares... well, this sure would be mediocre in 2016. In 2019, it sure exists. Remember tropical house? Yeah, you love that, right? Well, let’s mix it with the boring and dull vaguely-pop music of 2019, and make what isn’t a disaster at all, somehow. It starts abruptly with a looped and manipulated vocal sample that goes nowhere, before cutting to an immediately pretty interesting guitar-lead verse, which then kicks into gear for a really bouncy, fun pre-chorus. Then the chorus comes in where Goulding strains her voice talking about being 16 and wearing her significant other’s T-shirt, and all of the momentum is killed when it drops into that manipulated vocal sample. Do I appreciate the tongue-in-cheek MSN reference? Of course, I do, and the lyrics are actually very unique and I’d argue pretty great, and really invokes that youthful sense of exploration and feeling like you can do it all, you’re on top of the world... but I’m not sure if it holds up sonically, especially with that freaking drop, it really isn’t pleasant and feels like a remnant of recent past. Overall, it’s okay and I don’t really care about it enough but I understand the appeal, as with Goulding’s work overall.

#34 – “Don’t Worry Bout Me” – Zara Larsson, not featuring Alessia Cara

Produced by The Struts – Peaked at #7 in Sweden

I say NOT featuring Alessia Cara, mostly because BBC seems to think it does. Sigh, there’s an insane amount of mistakes on this week’s entry. Anyway, this is Zara Larsson’s new single and like all of her singles it has a massive singles push, and by that I mean an incredible amount of pretty pointless remixes, whilst the original is just a cloudy pop single that doesn’t stand out at all from the rest. This particular single, co-written with goddess Tove Lo, is her ninth UK Top 40 single and only slightly more recognisable, mostly because it takes an 80s/early 2010s fusion of dance-pop that was pretty interesting but the build-up feels a bit drawn-out, with the lack of percussion making the way-too-obvious autotune stick out like a sore thumb, but once the strings and 808s hit, it’s not much but it does add a lot of drama and that cinematic feel is immediately killed by the drop, but the chorus is a catchy kiss-off, and the fast-paced percussion and house music-influenced bass does add a lot of bounce to the hook, and it is pretty fun. There’s a really nasal, eerie synth sound in the bridge that was irritating at first but did grow on me, but then it disappears for the entirety of the last chorus and outro, which doesn’t add any sense of climax or finality at all. The rest of the song doesn’t exist. Next.

#18 – “Let Nature Sing” – The RSPB

Produced by literal birds

So, this is the confusing one I think I might have to explain a bit. “Let Nature Sing” is a campaign more than it is a hit single, as The RSPB isn’t a band, rather it’s one of the largest wildlife charities in Europe, specifically the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. Now this isn’t a pandering charity single with a bunch of celebrities singing vague lyrics about we love the Earth, it is our planet, we love the Earth, it is our home, no, it’s literal birdsong – for two minutes and thirty-two seconds. Now, initially, I had no idea how to rank this in the top 20 so I invented a new “???” tier just for this single and any other bizarre picks that ended up in the top half of the charts... but I think I love this. There are 165 critically endangered species within Britain’s environment, as RSPB claims in their promotional website for the single, and that is 56% of the wildlife in decline. So they’re raising money a la Band Aid and/or Lil Dicky, for preservation of British wildlife, and trying to spread the word about this single, which eventually did get enough downloads and sales, as well as 58,000 streams to chart. Now, I hope this money is used well and that the birds who are sampled in this song are paid songwriting royalties because this is great. This is beautiful. Now it’s not like this has any specific structure, and I haven’t researched to see what species of birds are singing here, but this is pure serenity and almost works as ASMR wave sounds to fall asleep to. Sure, there are a bunch of reverb effects that make the woodpecker sound jarring, and some non-bird sounds that kind of sound like an artificial bass being added, as well as a synth but that may just be my complete lack of knowledge about birds in general. It’s all chopped up and it definitely is not pure recorded birdsong, which I’d be inclined to check out, but for what it is, the sounds here are quirky, fun and sound natural, and since it’s helping a cause, I’d say stream it. It’s not unpleasant and isn’t a 7-minute joke about small penises featuring Lil Yachty as a sexually-transmitted illness, so I’d argue it’s a better alternative to actual charity SONGS... so, yeah, stream this, it’s short, it’s calming, but I doubt this will stay longer than two weeks if that.

#3 – “ME!” – Taylor Swift featuring Panic! at the Disco

Produced by Joel Little and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #1 in Hungary, Nicaragua and Scotland

There’s a lot to hate about this new lead bubblegum pop single from Taylor Swift’s upcoming seventh studio album, featuring vocals from Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco fame. There really is a lot to hate, from the factory-settings production that feels like such an abrupt shift from the mechanical albeit jagged electronic production from the last album, Taylor’s aggravating inflections from her verse AND the pre-chorus, the nonsensical chorus which rips hard from “Sit Next to Me” by Emeli Sande, the marching band percussion that reminds me all too much of “Shake it Off” as well as Urie’s work on Panic!’s most recent album especially with the rattling hi-hats covered up by a blast of overproduced trumpets, and the cringeworthy bridge, where two grown adults in their early 30s starting their middle-eight with, “Hey, kids, spelling is fun!” – seriously, this was written only by the producers and the artists, how is it this unfitting and odd for Taylor to be singing? Surely, Taylor should be able to come naturally with great songwriting like she has before, even on reputation, and this shouldn’t be as awfully-written as it is. The “Spelling is fun” tangent doesn’t even fit the time signature, for God’s sake. Oh, and this trainwreck of a line:

Girl, there ain’t no “I” in “Team” / But you know, there is a “Me”

No, there isn’t. There isn’t a “Me” in “Team” unless you rearrange it, and in that case, it’d be misspelled, hence your bridge’s message, which is, as I recall, spelling is fun, is undercut by the fact you can’t spell. What does that even mean in this case, since it would otherwise be a cheesy lyric about how they’re a team or whatever, because it’s been rearranged and manipulated? Is there no “Me” in “Team” anymore? Are Taylor and Brendon breaking up in the middle of their spelling bee? Are they saying their relationship is as complicated and infuriating as this one lyric? Let’s see Taylor’s reasoning here:

“We wanted it to be playful, we didn’t want it to take itself seriously at all.” That, by the way, is why I love this song to death and despite everything I can nag about it, it’s actually really fun and one of Taylor’s best songs to date. It screams colour even without the expensive music video, and every little annoying misstep counts towards the hilarity of the song and how carefree it is, from Taylor’s “UHH” ad-libs to them both belting distant lyrics about how there’s a lot of lame guys out theeeeeere, it all comes together and makes a really cool song that doesn’t care about your judgement. Yes, I had a lot to say about that one, but I’ve been building it up for nearly two weeks now. You can’t spell awesome without “ME!”, I guess.

#1 – “Vossi Bop” – Stormzy

Produced by Chris Andoh

Speaking of awesome people, welcome back, Stormzy, one of my favourite British rappers and one of the most unique, with Gang Signs & Prayer holding up as one of my favourite hip-hop albums ever. Merky Academy’s founder has decided to strip it down a bit for this minimalistic return to form after a gospel-tinged and R&B-influenced debut studio album. This is “Vossi Bop”, and it bangs. We have that lo-fi yet menacing synth line looping in the back of the mix before the thumping bass kicks in with a catchy and eerie piano melody which really adds a lot of grit to Stormzy’s bars, mostly just about living life of luxury and celebrating his rags to riches story. While the 808s are admittedly mixed a tad oddly, as is the trap percussion, the rattling hi-hats give an otherwise pretty slow-paced rap flow some bounce and quick-paced energy. The multi-tracked hook is catchy and anthemic, although Stormzy’s refusal to dab is a bit more EB the Original Master than I would prefer, and I personally like the Mondegreen, “my brothers don’t die, we just Vossi bop” better, but the verses are pretty great. In this context, Vossi bopping means a laidback dance popularised by a guy named Vossi that went viral a few years ago – in fact, this song was made ages before its release. In the bluntly-delivered verses with some smooth flow switches, Stormzy discusses how he looks at his girl and thanks God. How wholesome. Also F Boris Johnson and he’s Chuck Norris? It’s not exactly the most poetic Stormzy’s been, but he does have multisyllabic rhyme schemes and his lyrics are at least coherent, which isn’t really what I can say for most UK rap that debuts on the charts nowadays. He also refers to jet lag as “f***ing up my body clock”, and we have a censored word that we don’t know yet, and have yet to have had any explanation for? We’ll see, I guess. Anyways, this is an absolute banger and I’m ecstatic Stormzy has a #1.

Conclusion

This was actually a cool week in retrospect. Best of the Week is going to The RSPB for “Let Nature Sing” because it’s two and a half minutes of birdsong in the top 20 and that’s impressive enough. The Honourable Mention is tied, going to both Stormzy for “Vossi Bop” and Taylor Swift with Brendon Urie for “ME!”, whilst Worst of the Week goes that Zara Larsson song. Blech. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more pop music ramblings and Top 20 rankings, and I’ll see you next week!

I could never die, I’m Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris) / F*** the government and f*** Boris (Yeah)

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th June 2018 (Kanye West Edition)

There are a lot, and I mean, a LOT of new arrivals this week – seven, in fact – so I apologise for the long read ahead. I will try and keep it brief.

Top 10

No, our number-one has not changed. It is still “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa, keeping steady at its eighth week, whilst barely getting into the top 40 in the States? That’s odd.

Talking about artists without much US success, we have Jess Glynne up three spaces to number-two with the borderline-yodelling track “I’ll be There”.

“2002” by Anne-Marie is a non-mover at number-three, for some ungodly reason.

Sadly, “Nice for What” by Drake is down two spaces to number-four, but there’s no doubt that he’ll rebound once the album comes.

Also dropping (a single space, this time) is “No Tears Left to Cry” by Ariana Grande, now at number-five. I don’t think this will last long enough to get a number-one once the album drops, but we’ll see once that time comes.

The beautifully strange “Solo” by Clean Bandit featuring Demi Lovato is now up four spots to number-six.

“Better Now” by Post Malone is up two spots to number-seven... somehow.

I assume George Ezra’s pushing a new single, as at number-eight, up 12 spaces from last week, is “Shotgun”, from his newest album.

That sadly pushes down “Flames” by David Guetta and Sia by a spot, now at number-nine.

And, to round off the top 10, we have the highest-charting Kanye West debut of the three that UK chart regulations allow, with “Yikes” from the album ye. This won’t last in the top 20 but it’s good to see it here regardless.

Climbers

While there are seemingly thousands of new arrivals, the gains are pretty slow. Other than “Shotgun”, we have a 15-space jump for “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker, now at #16. Thanks, advert?

Fallers

The fallers, however, are definitely a bit of a different story. We have six-position tanks for “Paradise” by George Ezra to #12, “Love Lies” by Khalid and Normani to #20 and “Never Enough” by Loren Allred to #38, as well as seven-space falls for “Bad Vibe” by M.O., Mr. Eazi and Lotto Boyzz to #25 and “First Time” by M-22 featuring Medina to #31 and 10-spot leaps of faith for “This is America” by Childish Gambino featuring Young Thug to #27, “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Dan Caplen and Macklemore to #35, and “Praise the Lord (Da Shine)” by A$AP Rocky featuring Skepta down to #39. There are a few miscellaneous songs that took hits too, like “In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes down nine spots to #21 and “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble down five spaces to #26, but the real stories here are the losses for two songs: “Freaky Friday” by Lil Dicky featuring Chris Brown and “Answerphone” by Banx & Ranx and Ella Eyre featuring Yxng Bane, taking 13- and 26-space punches to the gut respectively, now consecutively laying at #32 and #33. I’m happy that Lil Dicky has collapsed, but it’s a shame about “Answerphone” – that song was growing on me by the second.

Dropouts and Returning Entries

That last section was the longest it’s ever been so far – it was an absolute massacre, and the same could probably be said for the drop outs, where Drake has some pre-album losses, including “God’s Plan” from #35, “I’m Upset” from #37 and his feature on BlocBoy JB’s “Look Alive” from #40. We also have “Vroom” by Yxng Bane out from #34, “Friends” by Marshmello and Anne-Marie out from #30, as well as “Like I Do” by David Guetta, Martin Garrix and Brooks from #38. Nothing particularly sad here, especially since Drake will rebound, but I hope “Friends” comes back – that was a decent track.

As for returning entries, well, there’s none at all – thank God, there’s a lot of new arrivals to deal with anyway.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Youngblood” – 5 Seconds of Summer

So, this is surprisingly the second single from 5SOS I’ve reviewed on this channel, and once again, I have no real opinion on it. We have some weak fake-snaps and an ugly synth-noise of a sub-bass in the first (and second) verse, where members of the boy band sing pretty boringly – they’re in tune, but their performances aren’t any interesting... but then the chorus comes in, where the bassline gets more prominent and we get some simple but absolutely killer pounding drumming, as well as some more of a guitar presence, setting up a clean slate for the subtle EDM-influenced synths and (someone who I’m pretty sure is named) Luke to sing pretty powerfully over the hook, with both a catchy chorus and bridge, that seems so out of place compared to the rest of the song, both in terms of mood and quality. Overall, despite a funky hook and the final chorus being pretty great, this clumsy amalgamation of pop, rock, funk, dance and whatever the hell doesn’t work for me, especially in the verses.

#28 – “Girls Like You” – Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B

The only real reason this debuted in the top 40 is because of its star-studded video, featuring female stars from Sarah Silverman, Ellen DeGeneres, Camila Cabello and more, as well as the fact that Cardi’s a pretty cheat-code feature on any pop song right now in terms of traction-garnering. It should be noted that this is actually a remix of a song that originally featured on their album, Red Pill Blues, from last year.

Okay, I’m going to come clean: I love Maroon 5. They know how to write a hook, a funky bassline and a catchy riff or two, hence most of their hits really work for me, especially when the production is polished and Adam doesn’t go into too unbearable territory with his falsetto. They have a unique poppy charm that always keeps me coming back after they release something new, even if it is lazy trend-hopping. How does this fare? Well, it starts with some pretty all-over-the-place acoustic guitar strumming, before it is drowned out by the synths and the finger-snaps, yet Adam really rides on the minimalistic beat in the verse and the hook, with a sweet melody that translates well when the bass drops and we get a simple trap-pop song that uses its instrumental (or lack thereof) to an advantage of making quite a relaxed song, perfect for Adam’s lower register but not perfect at all for Cardi, known for more hype trap-rap tracks... so how is she? Well, after the Blank Banshee-esque Vocaloid drop in the bridge and Adam’s pretty great middle-eight, she kills it. Yeah, of course, she does, do you expect her to not destroy whatever she touches? Man, I’m pretty sure that this is right up my alley and succeeds by catering to my every need. In fact, this is borderline pandering to my specific desires in good pop music. This is great but, I mean, it’s a Maroon 5 song featuring Cardi B, so of course, it is.

#24 – “Butterflies” – AJ Tracey featuring Not3s

Oh, we back to the watered-down dancehall trash we get every week? I mean, okay? AJ Tracey has an okay flow but really, he’s not doing anything different than any other “grime” MC right now, other than saying that the woman’s anatomy is both like a pumpkin and the English channel. Okay, AJ, maybe she won’t “spread it” for you if you say that again. The chorus seems pretty directionless as well, it’s half about the girl but also goes into random tangents about how he’s so “fly”. Not3s is much better, though, for no particular reason other than the production on his verse has some distorted blaring synths that contrast his smooth, low-key vocals pretty damn well. Otherwise, I mean, it’s autotuned tropical-rap stuff we get every single week on this show, and to say I’m sick of it is a damn understatement. Gladly, the next four songs get rid of every British pop music cliché by throwing them out the freaking window, and hopefully, being of quality... right?

#22 – “Give Yourself a Try” – The 1975

...Wrong. Very wrong. First of all, I’m pretty sure this song is about getting woker as you age. I don’t know, something about the pretentious, borderline-nonsensical verses here just give off that vibe – talking about vibes, the singer here also mentions how getting STDs at 27 really is NOT the vibe, and throws in a few “big words” in there that I’m sure the singer is very impressed with and thinks he’s very intellectual for, when all the really do is interrupt the flow of the song. “The only apparatus required for happiness is your pain and f***ing going outside”. Okay, honey. He also says that he’s the millennial that baby-boomers like... okay, Matthew Healy, what are you trying to prove here? All he does in this song is complain and complain about the young ‘uns as a very old fellow aged... 29? Wait, hold on, are you sure this song isn’t called r/lewronggeneration? It sure feels like it’s ripped straight from a post that ends up on there. Ooh, but the song? Yeah, it’s okay instrumentally. It’s got a decent noisy appeal, with the screeching guitar and lo-fi aesthetic, but that really doesn’t work with Healy’s neatly-produced (albeit rather nasal) vocals here that remind me of a pop-punk singer who stopped trying midway through. By the three minutes the song goes on, the constant guitar loop gets tiring, exhausting and somewhat infuriating, as it never changes a single bit for the most part, even when you have some more hard-hitting drums and some clicking from a seemingly unknown source. Really, the lyrics kind of ruin this one for me – it could have been decent, but, man, they really messed this one up in the vocal, lyrical and generally thematic department. Yikes.

#17 – “Ghost Town” – Kanye West featuring PARTYNEXTDOOR, Kid Cudi and 070 Shake

Finally, we get to talk about the three most popular tracks from Kanye’s latest album, ye, and what makes them either fantastic or hilarious. This is pretty magically both, featuring uncredited vocal contributions from Kanye’s long-time friend and fellow-ghost-sighting-child Kid Cudi and new GOOD Music signee 070 Shake, as well as a feature from OVO member PARTYNEXTDOOR, present despite the recent beef that Pusha T, Kanye’s protégé of sorts, and OVO manager, Drake, which I won’t get into right now, because nothing charted from it other than that trash “I’m Upset” song last week. If you want to know Kanye’s comments on the beef, they’re right there on the same album’s track “No Mistakes”. Right now, however, we’re focusing on this breathtakingly dazzling track, “Ghost Town”, the penultimate song on the 23-minute, seven-song record. We start with a short Shirley Ann Lee sample, where she soulfully sings as a prologue to PARTYNEXTDOOR’s greatly-sung intro verse, with some of Kanye’s most soulful production since The College Dropout, and an absolutely killer guitar that fits PARTYNEXTDOOR’s rapid-fire delivery surprisingly well, but as always, it fits Kid Cudi’s slow blues-influenced drawl even better, who handles the interpolated chorus right before Kanye sings (without autotune!) for his short verse, where he sounds just as good as he did on “Runaway”, if not better, with discussion of not only his bipolar disorder, but his public appearance and persona, the lethal drug Fentanyl, Ye’s controversial past, his opioid addiction, and Einstein’s theory of special relativity in only barely even eight bars, before Cudi comes in to croon desperately over a minimalistic, stripped-down version of the beat before 070 Shake’s outro, with some poetic lyricism and the best guest performance I’ve heard on a Ye track since Chance on The Life of Pablo or even Nicki Minaj on My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – truly, it is the females who kill their features on Ye’s records, even if they are few and far between. The anthemic lines such as “I put my hand on the stove to see if I still bleed / and nothing hurts anymore, I feel kinda free” being sung beautifully over borderline sound collage-level instrumentation, with 8-bit noises, distorted guitar samples and the rattling percussion, are an emotional rollercoaster. This is a masterpiece, and the fact that its sequel on Kanye’s second album of 2017, KIDS SEE GHOSTS, might be even better, just shows how much of a genius Kanye can be with the right sample and the right feature... well...

#11 – “All Mine” – Kanye West featuring Ant Clemons and Ty Dolla $ign

...and also maybe Jeremih and Valee. The credits on this album are a mess.

This song is hilarious and uncomfortable. It starts with a cheap flute sound, before the booming trap percussion comes in for Ant Clemons’ hilarious catchy falsetto melody in the hook, where he says that the girl is “supermodel thick”, while forcing a rhyme (pretty impressively) for “medulla oblongata”, before he states how he wants the girl to rub on his lamp and get the genie out the bottle. Just lovely. Oh, yeah, Ty Dolla $ign has like half a verse here, and he’s basically a non-presence. I love the guy’s voice but he does nothing here of importance. The fact that it’s a skittering trap sex jam with pretty dull production makes Kanye sort of out of his element, as he flows clumsily, while he closes his first verse with mentioning how he loves his girl’s breasts because they let him focus on two things at once. Over distorted clips of (presumably) vocals or synths, he memes his own song by claiming that he’s going to hit it raw (“like f*** the outcome”) and that “none of us would be here without cum”. Beautiful, Kanye. Just beautiful.

#10 – “Yikes” – Kanye West

Okay, now, this is a banger. With the autotuned (but still incredibly catchy) hook being as fun to sing as it is menacing and kind of creepy, this song perfectly represents the bipolar disorder Kanye talks about throughout the album. There’s the female vocal sample in the otherwise upbeat trap beat, as well as a deep synth acting as a bass in the hook to make it feel even darker, to help Kanye spit his bars intensely, but these aren’t exactly fire punchlines as they are kind of sad. “Is he gon’ make it? TBD”, he asks, noting his uncertainty in how he’ll survive due to his addiction, and how he’s “tweaking” off all these lethal drugs, with news sites reporting that he lost his mind. When he feels high, he won’t come down, but due to his bipolar disorder, he can quickly snap, and in the second verse, he demonstrates primal activity and pretty funny over-the-top bragging, rapping that his hospital band is a hundred bands, and that he doesn’t need a watch, and that he can smoke with Wiz Khalifa in North Korea and tell Kim that he’s never seen her – yes, this is all over the place and I love it for that. It’s crazy... kind of like him. This proves that Kanye’s still got some hilarious lines up his belt, and as always, the outdated pop culture references that we know and love him for.

Conclusion

Jesus Christ, this was long. Anyway, Worst of the Week is going to “Give Yourself a Try” by The 1975, with Dishonourable Mention not being served this week (although it could easily go to “Butterflies”). No, instead, we have a tied Honourable Mention, which both Maroon 5 and Kanye West pick up, for “Girls Like You” featuring Cardi B and “Yikes”, respectively. The Best of the Week should be obvious – it’s going to Kanye, PARTYNEXTDOOR, 070 Shake and Kid Cudi for “Ghost Town”, one of the best songs I think has ever charted since I started this series. See you next time, where Kanye will probably be replaced with more Kanye.