#i could never sell products bruh this shit was expensive

[stargloom]

ugly little keychain designs i made for myself

[piduai]

what do you like or dislike about living in japan? i'm half myself, and ive never really lived there, and i always wonder how hard it would be to navigate living and working there, as someone who is a foreigner to the system (sorry if this comes up as rude...)

i like how neat and organized and effective everything is, i like the clean streets, i like the trains that are always on time and how accessible the train system across the whole country is, i like the busy train stations, i like the blood orange of the torii gates, i like that people get into an orderly line when boarding a bus, i like the spotless condition in the free toilets in convenience stores and how they’re everywhere, i like that all bureaucratic processes are causal, i like that people in the service and other industries are never rude to you, i like the bidets, i like the pretty packaging on most things, i like that selling subpar goods is unheard of, i like the starbucks seasonals, i like that vending machines are everywhere, i like that everything comes with a very detailed and comprehensive how to use guide be it a product, a service, a process or a task, i like that i don’t feel unsafe on the streets, i like that people don’t smoke while walking, i like that there’s no littering, i like the orange trees, i like the amount of shops, places and activities you can go to, i like sakura in bloom, i like the view of the mountains in small towns, i like the pebble paved gardens by traditional houses, i like amazon prime, i like that everything has a designated place, i like the cafes with neatly arranged beige tables, i like that everyone keeps quiet on public transportation, i like that people who have been brought up in safety and economic security feel lax enough to leave their phones on the table when they go to use the bathroom, i like hydrangea blooming in june and manjusaka blooming in october, i like that nobody robs the passed out drunks on sunday mornings in the middle of shinjuku, i like the trust system of leaving 100 yen when you draw the omikuji, i like the amount of shiba dogs i see on the street and how their owners let me pet them, i like a lot of other stuff. when i say that i love japan i always think of small, trivial things in daily life rather than general big ones (which i like too!) like a big economy or a good infrastructure. i grew up in a post-soviet country in poverty and abuse where mcdonalds was a luxury, bribes were not only normal but expected and encouraged, people are aggressive, poor, unhappy, close-minded and suspicious, so it’s all a matter of comparison. a lot of the things that westerners may take for granted are marvelous to me. another thing is that i chose japan specifically because it’s a secluded island difficult to reach so i could escape my family and give them no opportunities to haunt me. they know nothing about my life and can not do anything to me while i’m here.

what i don’t like is mostly small things too. fruit is unreasonably expensive, the shift of going from, say, 100 yen for 1 kg of peaches to 500 yen for 1 peach still hits me hard, i love fruit and being unable to have it often greatly annoys me. a lot of foods that i consider staple are overpriced in general, cheese is expensive as fuck and tastes like shit, the milk is weird, the bread and the chocolate are absolutely disgusting, bruh THE PIZZA is both wildly overpriced AND tastes absolutely repulsive... i think it’s mostly food lol i do miss the cuisine from home and so did every single other foreigner i knew who stayed here for longer than 2 months. i think that no matter how much you love a foreign food you’ll always long for the stuff that you were eating your whole life, that’s just how humans are... what else. i don’t wanna talk about work culture, hierarchical law, cultural misogyny, nationalism, overwhelming amount of prostitution and pedophilia, those are heavy subjects that all require contextualizing. there are a lot of small things that annoy me i am sure but i prefer to just not focus on them so i forget about them unless i have to confront them. oh and the summer heat and humidity, summers in japan are fucking BRUTAL as all fuck.

immigration is a difficult process that requires sacrifice and putting up with certain things you don’t want to put up with regardless of the place. at the end of the day an immigrant will always be an outsider and a different kind of person, even if completely naturalized. i don’t know where you live, but if you were born in the global west and don’t need to go through the hardships of moving countries in order to chase a better life, i’d be counting my blessings. i’ll always be envious of people who were lucky enough to be born somewhere where the rest of the world wishes their children could move to.

also i don’t want to be discouraging but every single halfie i’ve met who has lived in the west expressed a desire to go back, like not a single exception. they like visiting but they definitely preferred their lives in europe/the us/oz. the experiences of complete foreigners and half-japanese people are very, very different. halfies always seem to be in a transcendent place, if they don’t look foreign enough they don’t get the automatic special treatment that the foreigners get, they’re judged more harshly if their japanese is lacking or they mess up at something, but they’re still considered _foreign_, not part of the whole, outsiders. on the other hand they can pass as locals and get the privileges that come with that. difficult situation. as i said i’ve never met one who would be like ‘actually i like life here much more’, they always wanted to go back. at the end of the day japan is very much a conservative, traditionalist, rigid, patriarchal society with a lot of corporate abuse, if you’re like me and grew up in the same climate this whole thing isn’t new, but if you’re a westerner and grew up used to your human dignity and rights being respected and having individual freedom, it can very much feel like a downgrade.

[tedisdillon1299-blog]

Day 25 Wisdom

I woke up feeling rested today, and a dollar for some caffeine that I made from cleaning shoes the day before. I ate my breakfast and prepared for my first day.

I left early so I could sit inside out of the sun. Jimmy John's is expensive, but people say their thicker than subway. I don’t know about that but a slim ass sandwich for 4 dollars doesn’t seem all that worth it to me, however the 16 inch sandwich? That’s priced good.

When I got clocked in they trained me on the register and for the most part it I got it down. It’s what they advertised on the Indeed site, but they start everyone there. I was informed that I’ll be on the sandwiches at some point if I want the hours. Not what I wanted, I’m not very coordinated and I’m clumsy. I listened to the conversations there and there seems to be an element of politics, on a large scale, and there are a lot of people there. I kept getting goofy looks from these kids, I am one myself but these are kids fresh out of highschool.

I was working register next to this lady who I’m sort of attracted, and reading her body language I could, glancing at me, making eye contact and then looking down and subtly scratching her arm. She looked as if either I was making her incredibly uncomfortable, or that she wanted to say something to me but was too shy. I’d go with shy. She’s a small girl who had only worked there a week. I’d like to spend my day with a female, I’m tired of talking to sausages.

I’m fairly shy as well, but as I get older it’s been easier to get over the fear of rejection. All these people who I’ve known for no more than a week or two and then never  seeing them again has made conversation easier for me, as well as getting through the introductions. It was good practice, but she definitely understood that I showed interest, because the next day as soon as I say ‘Hello’ she responds ‘Hey so my BOYFRIEND and I…’ damn.

Most of the other stuff was simple enough. My manager had a few odd jobs for me here and there, nothing too hard.

When I got back to the shelter I sat down and was greeted by my another dude. He does friendly things, he’ll offer me a smoke, or something, but he has this, jackass way of talking about him. I’m not sure if it’s a front, or not. I do know that I need to stick to my instincts and just not really screw around with anybody. Think he was tryna sell me something but I won’t get into detail about that..  *it's not important*

Gonna skip to dinner time. I sat next to this old wise type black guy, very spiritual man he is. He was a very calm guy, a peaceful man. We talked some about the Civil War, and religion, and weed. Pretty cool old guy.

I told him that weed, makes me more self-aware and sensitive to others around me. It’s an eye opener, for me. He said using weed brings us closer to God. I told him about the time I accepted Jesus BACK into my heart legititmately. He asked me if I ever felt the holy ghost. I told him after I accepted God, I had become possessed by the holy ghost. None of the crazy stuff, but I was lost on the road one day, after being around some bad people, and with really highly active anxiety and schizophrenia. The fact that it practically vanished nearly as soon as I accepted God back into my life was a miracle. I was not in shape to drive, but when I accepted God it was as if something took over me and led me back home, I drove perfectly. The way there, and the next two days, everything was beautiful and graceful. The yellow lines on the road were golden, and everything was bright.  I remember talking to myself out loud, the things I said had never come out of my mouth before, things that pertained to myself. I was preaching to myself all while driving. I was lost getting home but a voice in my head said, “Just follow the yellow brick road.” Essentially, *keep going the way you are going.*

I felt 100 for the first time. Ever since then though I’ve never experienced it again. I need a solitary place, a place where I can meditate, and be comfortable again. That feeling I had came as soon as I accepted that my war with God was over and I had lost. Also I think my brain may lack dopamine as well… I really need to have my head checked out.

That night was like receiving relief from fear for the first time.

The old guy teared up when I talked about this. He said it took him back.

Anyway. Telling him these things, he smiled. He asked me if I would continue to smoke. I said, “I can’t handle the medication around people. It just makes my anxiety worse. I can’t meditate. I can’t take advantage of what it offers. I feed off people, third eye type stuff.”

This man spoke slow, and corrected himself a lot, so he’s hard to quote, but essentially he said, “That takes practice. You aren’t utilizing it to its fullest… you will get there. You know why you can’t be comfortable? This world is crazy you know.. and while that stuff helps us to be more insightful and sharper, it also makes us sensitive, and the negative atmosphere around us would try and take advantage of you with that state of mind. I was just like you. I smoke for nothing more than the spiritual guidance and insight, but I could not be around people for the longest on a smoke. Some people say that is insanity, but let me explain something to you… this place, this world, but especially this place, is full of insanity. *Insanity fits in with insanity, if you don’t fit in, you aren’t insane.* These crazy people who know nothing about true build up of one’s self, but only how to manipulate. That’s them. You feel it don’t you? People were supposed to be spiritual, you know something isn’t right about people in this world… *tears* … remember what I tell you.”

“This place is definitely insane, but it’s become a norm.”

“Yeah, just remember that you are here because of God, and this is a transitional phase for you just like it is for me. After your through with this, leave here a wiser person.”

And it has. Insanity to me is violence, murder, and looking down on the peace lovers of this world. It’s everywhere I go. These same people claim to be religious, but take the first chance they get to hurt a sheep, or even convert it to a monster. How good you are at being a violent rebel determines how much respect you deserve these days. The attitude of domination to me is insanity, and I don’t like it. Never will. People see that about me. How I turn my head or suddenly lose interest when a dude is flexing to dominate another. Stupid. It was clear that I wasn’t alone. All I’ve really known was insanity, except for my grandparent’s, but even that attitude can still be applied without the violence. People judging others makes me sick. My family enjoys that. Other than that, growing up in poorer places and dumb schools, and a popularity contest ran by bullies, all you saw was drama and insanity. Homelife, all of it. I grew up around a man who didn’t like me because I’m good hearted. He called it weakness.

Now I think I know the reason a part of me wanted to ride that train to Canada.

“You a pussy bro.”

Whatever man. Watch you grow old. Watch you crumble. Watch you just survive. Me? I’mma thrive.

Later on, that dude who I was talking about in the last post asked me if I would clean his shoes. I’d be making money cleaning shoes for folks, usually for two dollars. For fifteen minutes, it’s not that bad. That’s just unproductive time anyway. It’s also making me popular, but I know what that brings. I’ll just have to remember to stay me.

Well this guy gives me his shoes, and I already know how his attitude toward everything is, pessimistic and confrontational. I grabbed my old toothbrush, shampoo and got to work, and listened to the Gorillaz. It’s a good satisfying twenty minutes. When I got done I took him his shoes, he said he’d have my money tomorrow, and would throw in an extra buck. Okay.

Well later that night this dude comes up to me, asking me *if I even cleaned them.*

Oh hell no.

“People saw me scrubing the shit out of your shoes. How can you NOT SEE that those shoes look hella better than they were before?”

“You didn’t even get my shoes strings bro! You said you were gonna clean my shoes.”

I guess it’d be a fair point, IF the agreed payment was higher, and those shoe strings weren’t even dirty to begin with.

He keeps going on and about me running a business, and he’s my customer complaining. And all this BS. I scrub shoes good. Not a spect of dirt on his shoes. I told him that those shoes looked brand spanking new! They weren’t too bad to begin with, but SHIT, he’s over here again exclaiming so everyone there hear him say that MY JOB WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

He said he’d cleaned shoes for years like I was doing, and said, that if I cleaned them

the inside of the shoe would be wet.

I told him my method of cleaning and why i cleaned them like I do. Because he said that I don’t buy the fact the he’d been doing it for years.

Shampoo. Use shampoo on toothbrush. Scrub. Wipe with rag. Need a rinse? Wet toothbrush and wipe with rag. *That’s why yo shoes ain’t soaked.*

He’s also screwing with my hustle.

Second time he’s done some shit like that.

I told him what he was doing was fucking up my pocket change.

“How?” How? Okay time to give him some perspective.

I thought I smelt beer on him.

“HEY DUDE YOU SMELL LIKE BEER BRUH!” No I didn’t really shout, but I said loud enough for one or two people to hear.

“No I haven’t I swear… oh wait, okay now I see what you’re saying.”

Yeah. I told him that I was sorry he didn’t like the job, but everyone else has come to me later and told me how satisfied they were with the finished product, and word gets around so I’ve steadily gotten more and more ‘customers’.

I take pride. He said he’d still pay me tomorrow… so. Yeah.

Crazy dude and the whole shelter knows it. I let him get under my skin.

I had someone else after him and he said I’d done a really good job and paid me. Hell yeah. I like the compliment.

When bedtime rolled around, that dude wanted his charger back. I thought he gave it to me but whatever. I showered, shaved, and really took care of myself before bed. Grooming. I was relaxed, and continued to meditate on what the old guy had told me. I have a dream of making a dream come true, I just don’t really have a dream yet, I just know I need to keep doing what I’m doing to make it happen.

Yeah. Time for sleep.

[mizubelle]

Super Late SHINee In LA Stuff (that I need to get out of my system)

thoughtspam and unleashing of feelings that i’ve clearly been bottling up and wrestling with

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE SHINEE

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I REALLY LOVE JONGHYUN

LIKE THAT BOY TOOK MY BREATH AWAY MULTIPLE TIMES

LIKE I WAS TRYING TO SING AND JAM WITH MY LIGHT STICK BUT THEN THE CAMERA WOULD DO A CLOSE-UP OF HIM AND I WOULD STOP BREATHING FOR A SEC AND THEN HAVE TO DO A BIG INHALE

like i’ve never gotten anywhere remotely close to being in love with someone but he’s the biggest celebrity crush i’ve ever had and that’s probably the closest i’ve ever gotten to love (the very sad life of an anxious potato lmao)

FUCKING CHOI MINHO

LIKE WOW I LOVE HIM

SAVIOR IS LIT AS FUCK

SO IS READY OR NOT

I DON’T EVEN THINK I WAS EXPECTING TO JAM HELLA HARD WITH SHINEE BUT THEY DID THAT! THE WHOLE AUDITORIUM DID THAT!

idk maybe i haven’t listened to savior enough (time to remedy that) but somehow i did not realize that it was such a fuxking bop

aw they were so fricking cute spinning and playing around during ready or not

lmao i didn’t jump even though shinee told me to...i’m too boobilicious and jiggly to be about that jumping life

i can’t believe that i just wrote that asdfghjkl

i let the girl on my left borrow my shinee world iv light stick which i had taped up just before the concert started because it had broken at kcon before i got the chance to even properly use it. i taped it up to stay permanently on.

i think the cap at the tip came off sometime during the show

i had the shinee world v light stick i bought off of ebay

dude i should have tried to buy a bunch of them off ebay and sell them the day of the show (here’s where the stupid theme of regret begins)

anyway back to my assorted thoughts and observations

freaking choi minho dude

like i think he only spoke english to the crowd and holy crap he’s really good and i love that he worked it even in a language that’s not native to him and he’s so freaking cute

i’m sure the other members looked up at the balcony too but the only one that i really caught was minho. i don’t remember when (like during an earlier ment or the last one or even a slow song)

but holy crap his eyes were so soft and he looked like he was really taking in the balcony view instead of just the floor level and he looked so happy and thankful

shit shinee is really really funny

like highlights: 

taemin trying to copy something he’s heard key say before (asking the crowd if they’re having fun tonight) and getting so embarrassed before that he turned around to face away from the audience and after finally asking us and turning back to face us, he was hiding in his red hood

key and minho!: minho talking about the clippers and key dismissing him and asking about food (lmao key and i are one and the same), key trying to sing from La La Land (which i haven’t seen) and minho asking him if he was okay, Minho whipping out the dab and it turning into La La Land poster posing, minho and his freaking $300 clippers jersey (shhh it’s secret lmao) which he supposedly held up to the crowd when they exited after the show LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, talking about the Power Rangers and how there’s five of them but they’re the SHINee Five

Like damn I really appreciate Key. And I know the members were looking to him to help address the audience.

EDIT: THE JONGTAE HUG! THE JONGTAE HUG! LOOK IT UP BRUH! like jonghyun threw something like paper at taemin and like immediately scooped him into a hug after hitting him

FEEL GOOD FUCKING FEEL GOOD

IT’S HONESTLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE FRICKING SHINEE SONGS (EVEN THOUGH THEY LIKE ALL ARE BUT I REALLY LOVE IT)

AND HOLY SHIRT IT WAS SO GOOD

COLORFUL LIGHTS, SHINEE STANDING IN A SMOKEY MIST, GORGEOUS VOICE AND MOVES

LIKE I WAS LEGIT BOUNCING IN MY SEAT AND DOING THE DANCING HAND MOVEMENTS JUST BEFORE THE CHORUS

I NEED TO START COMPILING LIKE ALL THE FANCAMS FOR IT FROM THE TOUR OR SOMETHING

also i have zero fancams for once. i never got an answer from subk after aeg sent an email saying cameras were allowed but subk said they weren’t in their FAQ so maybe it was an SM thing. but anyways i was in the balcony so the screen and shinee got super washed out so it wasn’t worth focus on filming instead of them for extra blah footage. but a lot of people around me where filming on phones and someone might have been livestreaming? lmao if they were hoping you couldn’t hear my screeches (also dang where they getting good footage? what type of phone do they have??? lol lol lol)

Prism butt rolls! especially from key! you know i screamed!

dude singing replay with them was so nice and Onew looked so proud and like happy at the MVP part cuz we were singing along and especially cheered at that iconic line

taemin’s solo!!! Get it boy!!! and then his next outfit was the freaking red hoodie that wasn’t zipped all the way up (like i see you bro. i see you.)

beautiful space background for beautiful jongyu duet. breathtaking vocals. long gazes from them at the end. wow.

before they sang Selene 6.23, I think key was the one to introduce it and told us to sing along if we knew the words and told us that jonghyun wrote it, giving him a little shout out and jonghyun freaking giggled

awwwwwwww jonghyun asking to see the 1of1 fan project again when they stopped performing

onew (or key?) talking about coming to LA more or something like that and (definitely onew) saying it was only a 13 hour flight

not all the fan projects went 100% smooth like the time that we were instructed to show the other side of the 1of1 banner for jonghyun’s birthday project, the curtain was literally going on down and idk if jjong noticed it but key did. and he was ducking to say goodbye to us when he said “oh right. it’s your birthday soon” which means he noticed the banners and also lmao i think that was the last thing we heard them say

jonghyun in his ending ment talking about how people were apparently blowing kisses so he was imitating them and sent loud MWAH kisses to the crowd (this kills the man)

it was so CUTE

like UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

JESUS CHRIST HE’S REALLY BEAUTIFUL

LIKE REALLY BEAUTIFUL

THEY ALL ARE TBH

they say that they’ll come back to LA soon and I freaking hope so!

like pls pls pls pls. 

i know in a couple of years their futures together might shift and change. 

plus also i’ve been really beating myself up because I was like I should have gone closer to the stage instead of in the balcony but tbh i spent the amount I was comfortable with and made sure to buy a ticket from day 1 because i didn’t want to miss this and i could not predict that later on the more expensive tickets would be selling under face value on stubhub (and by people on twitter and stuff but i wouldn’t really trust that method of selling)

idk about the pricing for this tour either, like if it was maybe more expensive (for whatever reason like venue, production costs etc. and also there are more members so maybe that factors into it to???) but back in 2013 the TVXQ tickets i had that were like 30 rows in at the (now) microsoft theater were about $90 with fees and the comparable seating areas were more than double that for this tour

anyway i’ve been letting the whole i-wasn’t-that-close to-the-front-and-center thing bother me a lot these past couple of days and color my experiences in a negative light which is absolutely freaking ridiculous 

I got the chance to see my favorite group live in a full concert close to home and I know that I had so much fun like singing and screaming and waving my light stick and bouncing in my seat and laughing and everything and I’m grateful. Not everyone that wanted to catch SHINee on tour had the opportunity to do so and it was just a great experience being in the room no matter what and I could feel all the love and good energy going around, with SHINee putting on a great show for their fans across the world from where most of the action happens and all of us in the audience there to support SHINee and send all the love we have for them right back at them and not just through our computer and phone screens. I know that they had a good time and appreciated us and I know I had a good time and love and appreciate them so much like every damn day. maybe i wasn’t like right up in the front catching their eye but i was freaking there having a grand ol’ time. and i’ll always remember it. Like I always randomly think back to concerts I’ve been too and I was laughing so much looking back at my TVXQ fan accounts earlier and I have a folder of TVXQ in LA stuff actually lmao so I’ll probably try to make a SHINee one too. Like hell there are fancams and stuff of SHINee I can catch to help take me back even more and I appreciate that the internet and the k-pop community allows us to transport ourselves to different places and performances and times through the snapshots and videos we share.

anyway i feel a lot better writing all of this out. and i got to make sure that i saved some more of my shinee memories. like holy shit i got the chance to see them 3 times in a year??? like from the first time seeing them live to a full concert experience in less than a year. damnnnnnnn.

tl;dr SHINEE WORLD V IN LA WAS FREAKING AWESOME AND YUP, SHINEE FUCKING DID THAT