#i could literally write them as siblings and it wouldnt sound out of place

[samarecharm]

I hope its okay for me to jump off of this, i have Thots about this exact thing and instead of just making my own post and tagging u in it, i thought it would be okay for me to just tack it on here 😵‍💫💦 I think about Makoto and her lost potential alot, but i also think about GORO and Makotos missed relationship potential. Not necessarily romance-wise; i dont ship them at all- im more focused on their missed interactions and potential friendship!!! And obv Goros relationship with Sae 🥺 This is wholly an hc of mine that i recognize sounds a bit silly and unrealistic, but I see Sae, post game, all but legally adopting Goro. I HAVE REASONS FOR THIS! (Im being dramatic tho; she just feels a bit responsible for him)

I think…a ‘good’ adult figure in his life helped Goro more than he thinks it did. Without her (assumed) guidance, where would he be in the force? Would anyone else treat Goro w the respect he deserved? Its not often that younger people in a given field are treated w a proper level of respect; do u think that had an effect on Goro and his confidence? To cement the idea that he CAN go through w the Shido assassination bc he had someone that respected his intelligence and wit despite his young age? Sae was meant to be AWAY from Goro during his plan to kill Akira, but would he have incorporated a lesser person into the plan and used them as bait w the intent to kill them off? I like to think that the respect was Mutual, and Goro responded by making a plan that would be more Cunning and less Brutish. (Kill Akira w no witnesses and get one step closer to Shido without The Thieves breathing down his neck, vs. Kill Akira and anyone whos theres as a witness and potential Leak, bull rushing his way to Shido in the aftermath.)

Sae is nowhere near perfect; she is what youd describe as a scathing, single mom in some shows. Loves DEARLY with ALL of her heart, but unfortunately is so hardened by the world that that love comes off as cold and brutal. Makoto does not get to have Fun; she NEEDS to be perfect. She NEEDS to throw people under the bus, she NEEDS to break the rules and cheat in order to get anywhere in this world and Makotos personality suffers greatly from this belief. But Sae does love Makoto So Much; she wants her to succeed!! and???! she is unusually soft with Goro. Bc she ALSO wants him to succeed. Goro isnt the men shes fighting against in court, hes still a kid in her eyes. And she MUST know about his home status, right? I dont think of it as pity (i dont think shes even capable of that tbh), but more like, as an Adult who had to take on too many responsibilities Too Fast, and found herself raising her own sister fully bc she loved her and she Knew it was the right thing to do, I can also see her dragging Goro under her wings.

Hes brilliant and she knows this. Im sure shes taught him things that shes taught Makoto. Its a mix of the “youre a WOMAN in a MANS world” kind of advice and the “youre ALONE in this world and no one can help u make it but Yourself” kind of advice, and the latter would definitely resonate with Goro. Obv the hypocrisy of that is supposed to be blatant; Sae is preparing Makoto to essentially be Alone to try and make it but like, not only is Sae helping her RIGHT NOW (if she were TRULY alone, makoto would have ZERO help and advice), that will Never happen (being alone) bc Makoto HAS a support system now. And I would hope that after Sae becomes aware of The Metaverse and the affect of her Wants on her mental state (and the way its affected her sister) that she becomes a bit more Soft in the way she addresses things. Bc like u Know she loves and she wants to Be loving, but in the same way the world has tried its best to make the thieves miserable in their own lives, the world did a good job making Sae and Makotos lives Miserable up until the Thieves intervene.

Anyway the whole point of this is that Sae WOULD BE the person to accidentally ‘raise’ two ultra competitive smartasses. Her ‘dog-eat-dog world’ mentality shifting into something more Mild; ‘working hard wont get you far, but working smart, will.’ Sae keeping track of Both Goros and Makotos accomplishments. Sae bringing Goro along when she and Makoto go to eat out bc she rarely does it and she knows Goro laments about not being able to eat Good Food with her. (Smoking tw) Sae finding out that Goro and Makoto (and even akira) smoke sometimes and instead of EXPLODING like she mightve done before all of this mess, shes like PLEASE at least do this somewhere safe, like on my balcony or in Sojiros attic…she buys the cigs herself so that they dont have to try and steal them. Akira assures her that he can steal them without getting caught and this does not ease her worries. Sae pretends to not notice, but Goro will bring certain cases up to Makoto to hear her opinions on them, and then mock argue about them together. Sae THINKS Goro is indulging Makoto and her slightly odd interest w fighting, and it turns out he is ALSO interested in fighting ??? When hes too tired to get back to his apartment, Saes home is always available to him.

RAMBLING at this point, i am so sorry. I am just so invested in the three of them. TL;DR- Sae, after the events of her palace and the game ( ignoring goros death but also ignoring p5r) tries Very Hard to do right by Makoto, and this also somehow extends into taking care of Goro. Its less about Sae mothering him, and more about giving Goro a more positive Adult Figure in his life. Giving these teens the space to Grow without completely stifling them allows them to be successful without the miserable, brutal outlook on life Sae had to adopt. Like every other character, she had alot of potential to be more involved w the thieves lives, and with Goro and Makotos lives specifically. If she was given the time, she couldve been WAY more helpful but instead we got a single throwaway line that shows that she acknowledges goro, lines that indicate that she thinks Makoto is a burden, and the typical “WOMAN in a MANS world is HARD; u MUST be COLD and CALCULATED to SURVIVE” girlbossing attitude that writers love to give their ‘strong’ women

It’s crazy the first time we’re ever introduced to akechi it’s as sae’s colleague and then they never interact or have moment beyond that. I hate that they didn’t go deeper with their relationship and akechi and makoto’s rivalry

[kaz11283]

Could I make a request: Reader is ill (fever, headache, etc) and Loki comes home to find her fast asleep whimpering in her sleep from being ill and burning up from the fever? Something along those lines, feel free to take creative liberty, haven’t been feeling great lately and would love some comfort. Love your work 💕

Yes my sweet dear! I really hope that you get to feeling better soon! Thank you for the request and for the support! I am sending you some comfort vibes right now as we speak as well as some Loki Love i truly hope this helps you to feel better!

~~~~

Characters: Nat, Loki, Clint, you

(Loki x reader) (Clint x reader, brother)I know I've done this but I just love the idea of being siblings with Clint (Nat x reader, friends

Summary: After a beautiful snow fall you and the team decide to go outside and enjoy the day off, of course knowing your luck you would be the one who got sick.

Announcement: Individual request sent in, i am more that happy to write anything that is thrown my way (even though it might take some time) i inow what its like not feeling good and jusy wanting some comfort and to be loved on so I hope you truly enjoy this!

Loki Masterlist

~~~~

Your nose was red as you made it back to the cabin were you and the team had decided to vacation for a little down time, of course it wasnt your normal run of the mile cabin not with Tony bank rolling the whole thing. It was a rustic 4 story cabin with 3 rooms on each floor, a huge fire place that literally sat in the middle of the house (you didnt really cared how it worked you just knew it looked cool), a huge kitchen and living room sat on the first floor.

"I cant believe i let him talk me into that." You mummbled making your way to the fire place. Clint, your wonderful older brother had decided that the team should have a snow ball fight, you know "team building exercise" as he called it. You had of course been on opposing sides since it would be fair for two Bartons to be on the same team as Tony had said.

"You should know his tricks by now y/n, you've only known him all your life." Nat laughed walking in the door after you shacking snow from her hair.

"I didnt expect him to peg me in the side of the damn head. OR tackle me to the ground and shove my face in the snow." You grumbled. "Hes lucky he ran before I could get up."

"I'm pretty sure he's hidding in a tree somewhere." She laughed again.

"Good, the bird can stay in his roost for all I care. I'm going to go take a nice hot shower and a nap. Let the others know please." You walked off toward the steps that lead to yours and your boyfriends room. "Hey Nat, try to make sure the others are nice to Loki? The only reason hes here is so that he could try to get closer to them."

"Yeah, him being able to spend as much time with you as possible was not his intentions at all." She stated rollingbher eyes.

"Thanks." You went and took the hottest shower you could stand enjoying the steam as it enveloped you before you got out wrapped yourself up in a big fluffy towle and made your way into the living area. This was another nice room, hell every inch of this place was nice though. It wasnt like your "mini apartment" as you liked to call your room at the tower, but it still had a seprate smaller living area with a couch and a recliner, the bed was on the oyher side of a patrician looking out of the floor to celing window. You didnt want to lay there because it was so bright so after digging around in your bag and pulling out a pair of black shorts and one of Lokis green pullovers you decided to crash on the couch. After a few minutes of watching some random cooking show you dozed off engulfed in your boyfriends sent lulling you to your dream world.

You woke with a start when you felt something pressong aginst your forehead, you felt like you hadnt been asleep for very long, lookinh atound you realized first that it was dark outside, and second your muscles all over was sore and stiff feeling.

"Shhhh, Its just me, my darling." Loki ran his hand down your cheek softly. "I came to check on you, I realized you must not be feeling good when you were whimpering in your sleep." You then noticed that your throat was sore.

"I dont whimper." It came out horse, youtried to clear your throat as much as you could.

"You did, it was adorable." He smiled. He walked around the couch to take a seat next to you. "Your not feeling well. I can feel it." He had a look of worry. He always went on and on about how vulnerable mortals were and you wasnt doing anything to prove him wrong at this moment.

"Loki, I promise the worst this is is a cold that I technically caught from my idiot brother. Ill be fine in a few days. The only thing that aucks is I'll be stuck in here while the rest of you are out having the time of your lives." You huffed pulling the pillow under your head better.

"The rest of you? My dove, I can promise there is no rest of you if your not going to be there. The only reason I came on this dreaded team building experience is because of you." He offered you his hand and helped you stand so that he could guide you to the bed. "Lets lay here and watch the snow fall." He pulled your side of the blankets down and help you under them.

"That sounds like a plan Loki. Although I am a little hungry." You sat in bed as you watched him strip from the clothes he had been wearing all day and changing into a pair of black sleep pants. He started digging again. "I have your hoodie on." He looked over and shook his head with a smile.

"It looks better on you anyways. Of course I should have known that you would try to get me naked." He laughed. "Your brother saod he would bring something up in a bit. I had text him and told him you wasnt feeling all that well."

You stared in shock, "Textjng my brother? Looks like you have made some new friends."

"I wouldnt go that far, he said that he was afraid of you even if you were sick and I was probably the safest one in the room. He is going to vring a peace offering though." He pulled the blankets up around him as he settled in bed.

"The hawk shouldnt have flown his roost. Ill kill him once I get to feeling better." You grumbled.

"Sleep now my darling, get some rest. When we wake in the morning, of you are feeling any better, we will plot domination over your brother then." You felt him wrap his arms around you and kiss the top of your head before drifting off once more.

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

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[seoafin]

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

[uniformbravo]

tagged by @kittensintinytophats (aaaa thank u for thinking of me!!)

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 followers you want to know better!

Age: 23

Birthplace: california

Current time: 6:49 pm

Drink you last had: literally just took a sip of water wo

Easiest person to talk to: probably.... my mom

Favourite song: at the moment!!! the flip flappers ed is!!!! extremely good!!!!!! and very fun to play on the piano!!!!!!

Grossest memory: dont make me relive that shit???? why is this on here

Hogwarts House: gryffindor babey

In love: what is what i wont say i am

Jealous of people: hmm less jealousy & more like, goals? like if i see someone at a place i wish i was i just kinda go “ooo me too” & fantasize abt it w/o actually u know doing anything to get there whoops

Killed someone: a detective wrote this question

Love at first sight or walk by again: what does this mean

Middle name: uniformbravo

No. of siblings: 4

One wish: that mob psycho s2 will have 25 eps (imagine)

Person you last called: um like does a doctor’s office count?? i literally never call anybody lol

Question you are asked most: “where’s mom”

Song you last sung: the uh flip flappers ed lmao u shoulda put this question first?

Time you woke up: so like im gonna take this opportunity to complain abt my current state of sleep bc LMAO so i recently had a minor surgery & they were like “u gotta sleep elevated for a while” & the easiest place to do that is the couch in the living room. however i am a very light sleeper, which is super inconvenient for me bc sleep is like the most important thing in my life 2 me & i get extremely grumpy & pissed when my sleep is messed with. unfortunately for me i live w/ 5 fucking Hooligans who are either up rly late or waking up at uhhh fuckin 6 in the morning for whatever goddamn reason?? and there is literally not a single sound they could make that wouldnt wake me up so im like. i have maybe this 6 hr window where i get to have a good sleep at night & i operate on like a 9-10 hr basis so i’ve been fuckin dead as SHIT lately, & i cant even take naps bc sleeping elevated is rly fuckin hard for me & i only get tired during the day if im laying down flat so ive been pretty fucked, boiys, lemme tell u,,

anyway to answer the question this morning i woke up at abt 6:45, which was 4 hrs after i fell asleep, which has nothing to do with sleeping in the living room or anything, i was reading fanfiction until 12:30 (it made me cry :’( ) & then writing fanfiction until abt 3 am (to cope) so like. u know

Underwear colour: navy blue ya weirdo!!!

Vacation destination: disney parks lol..... im too nervous to go to any outside of the us tho unless i learn fuckin french chinese and japanese first

Worst habit: absolute worst?? letting friendships fade bc i cant maintain the energy required to keep them hooOOOO *air horns*

X-rays: like uh. back. hand/wrist. the other wrist that one time. teeth a lot

Favourite food: probably mochi ice cream but not green tea

I tag: @pachelbelsheadcanon @cry-beeby @docnoctem @dolichomorph @saigems

thats all i can think of rn srry i kno it was like “tag ur followers” but i dont feel comfortable reachin out to ppl i dont know in case they hate me???? byeghjdhfsd

(if u follow me & u dont hate me do this)

[birdysnow]

Who is your favorite OC? Pls share their backstory I must know👀

to be honest it’s totally Devon. I’ve had him sinceee about the 6th grade, and he’s been concrete since about 7th grade (I’m almost a junior!). He’s so important to me :’). Whenever I feel sad I just work on him or write about him and it cheers me up real fast. 

haha his backstory is a loooong, complicated mess. I literally went on an 1.5-2 hour rant about his backstory at a sleepover once, it was ridiculous how long it took for me to talk about him. I actually wrote a response for this ask yesterday, but it got deleted I hate my life. It was soooo long because I wrote it in the way I speak. You’re probably getting a lot more than you bargained for :’). I’ll put it below the cut so everyone else doesn’t suffer. 

im gonna use bullet points bc i like them and theyre shorter

note: universe is like. sci-fi. there’s space stuff you know

full name: Devon Mateo Westmore

born: August 16th 

a leo!!! do with that what you will

as far as parents go, they’re kinda dicks basically

Devon was a complete accident and he’s kind of treated as such

they’re pretty neglectful?? they really dont give a crap abt him frankly

they’re more interested in making bank with their jobs and turning up

has a sister who’s like graduating or smthn. she’s old. her name’s Lucía. 

she also could give less than a crap about him and had a similar experience with their parents; just wants to be free and have no attachment to this rando baby 

is a total Problem Child™ during school because of his messy life, just wants attention and love really but never really gets it

universally hated by teachers all his life

high school is especially rough he is a disaster

he’s basically like party all day every day bitches bc is parents are never home/probably wouldnt reprimand him for going out anyways

he drinks a lot, does drugs 

he bangs a lot of people irresponsibly. A LOT of people.

is a player tbh he will flirt with anyone. very pansexual. 

makes a lot of (bad) friends 2 fill the Void™ and does a lot of illegal things

anyway fast forward to when he’s like 17-18 and school’s like yep time to graduate!! and hes basically like

but he does graduate in order for the story to move forward

but now he’s like careers????????

all he’s kind of enjoyed is music throughout high school but he’s like thats not what i want to do. 

yolo, he probably says to himself one day. I’ll just join the military and become a space pilot because thats what I wanted to do when i was 8

so BASICALLY i haven’t figured out how I want this space military to work but he ends up in like an academy (he’s like around 19ish) or smthn 

this is where he starts to like chill tf out tbh

he discovers that he likes this a lot?? and he’s like dedicated to it???

a lot of like. coping happens and he has to figure out what kind of person he wants to be and recover™ himself

but yah he does well and he ends up being valedictorian nice going m8 

basically if you’re #1 in your class you get the opportunity to go to this like. school/training thingy. and it’s very exclusive but if you like graduate from their you’re like. set 

its like harvard except you could die there 

yolo, he thinks in yet another life decision he really shouldn’t be taking lightly. I want $$$$ so i’m about to make that place my bitch

he does not make that place his bitch

he suffers so much

by the end of the year/2 years he’s there, he does pretty well

He makes a bunch of good friends, and he gets a ton of experience. he’s really good because of it, as to be expected

while there the top of the class is this girl and her name is Adella

shes my daughter

Devon likes her but she’s like super stand-offish and he’s a party kid so he’s like

“hard pass.”

but he has like mad respect and he thinks she’s chill

the feelings mutual

anyways like RIGHT before they graduate she gets recruited to this special program because she’s top of the class and like disappears he never sees her again

sike

but not for a while at least……………

so like fast forward he’s like 23 maybe

he’s got a good job, he’s living it up really?? he’s just like pretty happy all around he has a life, an apartment, friends

he gets an email from this girl and she’s like yo

I’m Tamara, my mother passed away recently but I discovered that our parents are apparently siblings?? I never knew I had a cousin, I heard you live in the area and I was just wondering if you wanted to get to know each other 

and hes basically like damn if i’m about to pass up this chance!!!!!!!!

Tamara works as a programmer literally one (1) city away 

basically they just?? end up getting along really well?? Devon spends a lot of his off days hanging out with her

he’s so ecstatic to finally have someone who’s his family like she treats him like a little brother

probably Tamara also has a younger sibling, their name is Calix. they work as a doctor and dont see Tamara often but the two are close regardless

they’ll be important later but for rn they’re not relevant

anyway, at some point they make plans for Devon to meet Tamara and he ends up at her work

and she’s chilling with this guy who is absolutely

fucking

gorgeous

Devon’s sure he died, right there, behind a goddamn cubicle,,

he’s frantically trying to think up something suave to say (are you the only tennessee no– wait–) when Tamara notices him

she introduces him to her hot friend, his name is Shay

Devon tries to play it cool

“Hey would you mind if Shay came w–”

“NO NOT AT ALL I WOULDNT MIND”

they go out for lunch

he chills out a little bit on the way enough to be his usual self

Shay mistakes flirting for good-natured joking

Devon suffers

They exchange numbers 

cue pining 

Shay continues to be oblivious

He has to be told point blank by Tamara whos like “Please, for the love of all that is good, fuck him go on a date with my cousin.”

“Has he been asking me on dates every time he takes me out?? every time??”

I love Shay so much u dont even know

Shay is basically a really pure and happy person, literally nothing can get him down ever he’s just trying to live his best life

he’s everything to Devon, he’s so sunshiney and nice and Devon has just been through some stuff and his life is going well and now he has been blessed with this beautiful, perfect boy….,,,

it’s not like Devon has never dated anyone before, most of his relationships have been purely physical but he’s been in romantic relationships w people

but this is like. it he knows it. 

they date for about a year, everything’s fantastic

and then

things are heating up politically, and Devon’s in the military so they need him somewhere else

right now everyones living in like?? around india somewhere and they need him in like. canada.

hes understandably upset

he’s gotta move. acROSS THE GLOBE.

he’s not going to break up with bae but they’ve got to talk through this like Adults™

so they talk through it

and Shay’s basically like

“fuck no, i’m moving with you idiot

did you think you were just going to move away from me bench?? sike”

they move in together

I used to have their apartment layout drawn up on homestyler but they reset the system and it’s gone into the void so i’ll have to remake it :’)

so now they’re moved in which is super great everything is popping

remember Calix? they’re relevant again

basically, Calix has been dating this girl for a while now and they’ve gotten serious but their relationship is not working out because she is a mess tbh and they love each other very much but they are not good for each other

Calix isn’t emotionally receiving or helpful he’s very blunt so they end up splitting up because she doesn’t need a relationship  

Said girl is Adella

Adella is a mess basically

the program she was recruited for made her very successful, very well known in her field and in a lot of ways, among common people

but downside is there was a lot of government dirty work she was kind of pressured into doing

there’s also a lot of hush hush skirmish’s that have been occurring that she had to stop

she’s been struggling with depression for a lot of her life and she has PTSD so when her contract is up she decides to take a break™ 

her and Calix’s relationship kind of falls apart but she’s friends with Tamara and she’s like I need to leave somewhere and get out of this messiness, i’m going to move back home (Canada)

Tamara is like

LIGHTBULB DING DING DING

she doesn’t think that Adella shoudnt be on her own, she wants someone to supervise her and make sure she doesnt accidentally starve or smthn

she has the best intentions but she kind of tricks Devon and Shay tbh

“Hey you guys got an apartment with an extra room?? Can you take in my friend for a while, she’ll pay rent, she has a job she’s just trying to find a nice place to live but she needs to move to the area rn”

the two of them are like “yeah sure lol sounds legit tammy we ly

Adella shows up on their doorstep with the intention to live there for like 2 years

cue Shay internally flipping his shit over this lowkey celebrity whos going to LIVE in HIS APARTMENT DEVON DID YOU CLEAN THE KITCHEN

Devon is not phased 

he knows Adella from school so he’s just kind of like hey its u whats banging girlie

he basically just treats her like normal and she is so appreciative 

basically they become SQUAD i love them and thats the beginning of my story and thus ends background 

i’m sorry this was so long i tried so hard but i got carried away. double sorry for taking so long I have like 3 end of school projects due rip me

Thank you so much for asking!! I can’t tell you how much it means to me :’)) If you made it this far through my story I applaud you. thanks for reading!!! Feel free to message me if you have any questions 

[smokeblooded-blog1]

REALLY LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY.  RULES.  repost ,   don’t  reblog  !    tag  10  ! good  luck  !  TAGGED.  i took it from myself bc i was bored  TAGGING. spiritmiinded, soughtdawn, clandestinesque, spyblooded, starveincd, pastryblooded, and anyone else who wants to do it who hasnt already

BASICS.

FULL  NAME :  jean otus NICKNAME :  the cigarette peddler / receiver depending on the translation, the cigaretter receiver jean AGE :  thirty BIRTHDAY :  unknown ETHNIC  GROUP :  white NATIONALITY :  german (? subject to change) LANGUAGE / S : english, japanese, german SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  bisexual ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION : biromantic RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :  verse dependent, canonically single HOME  TOWN / AREA :  born in the Bādon district of the country (at the beak of the bird) CURRENT  HOME : he currently still lives in Bādon in a large apartment complex (he lives on the top floor, but only because he and his sister manage the building) PROFESSION :  second in command at the ACCA inspections department

PHYSICAL.

SKIN : fair skin that is scarless for the most part, no acne or notable blemishes except for some small birthmarks of no particular shape on his lower back EYES:  sky blue; the perfect blue color. they are often shaped in a tired, disinterested look of a poker face, but when smiling the softness is shown through them the most. more emotion can be seen through jean’s eyes than any other feature on him FACE :  his face is rather long for the most part, not a baby face in any form, but it doesnt look scrawny or make him look sickly either. he has a longer nose as well that is more lengthy on the bridge than the point itself LIPS :   arent particularly special. theyre not too thick, not too thin, and they are often in a straight line / resting. they dont get chapped often because he drinks enough to keep them hydrated and they are not bitten or chewed at in any form. when smiling, small dimples (barely noticiable) come on his cheeks  COMPLEXION : isnt anything particularly special. its not like he keeps his skin flawless (he has no particular interest in that), but jean is one of the lucky ones who is blessed to not have much acne. he cleans his face in the shower / when its dirty, but with that taken out of the picture, jean doesnt participate in washing it to the excess. its just naturally free of acne and other blemishes. he doesnt get red faced either, nor does he (or would he) wear makeup to cover it up BLEMISHES : besides the small birthmarks on his lower back, he doesn’t have any SCARS :  none TATTOOS :  none HEIGHT :  177.5cm / 5′10″ WEIGHT :  72.57kg / 160lbs BUILD :  has muscle, but nothing extraordinary. his strongest muscle point is in his wide / broad shoulders, but the rest of body just has lean muscle. he appears rather thin, so you wouldnt be able to tell he had much muscle unless stripping him down / seeing him shirtless / etc. he has a flat stomach, but there isnt much developed muscle through his stomach. the abs are there, but nothing noticable, really FEATURES :  nothing particularly notable ALLERGIES : bee stings. there arent many bees in Bādon, but when jean travels to other districts he often has to bring medicine with him just in case he does get stung USUAL  HAIR  STYLE :  golden hair with an undercut underneath a near-bowl hair style USUAL  FACE  LOOK :  he typically is expressed with a poker face. jean doesnt smile often, or really show many other expressions for that matter, but all of his expressions are vibrant (but short lasting). his smile comes out a lot when hes drunk USUAL  CLOTHING : typically hes seen wearing his ACCA uniform, with or without the jacket 

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S :  losing the people hes close to (i.e lotta and niino for the most part) ASPIRATION / S :  completing his work every day, leaving ACCA somewhere down the line, finding niino (post ep8) POSITIVE  TRAITS :  adaptable, calm, candid, capable, compassion, determined, easygoing, empathetic, faithful, friendly (though it sometimes seems otherwise), honest, open-minded, punctual, etc NEGATIVE  TRAITS :  absent-minded, bored (sometimes), distracted, dull (before getting to know him), oblivious, etc MBTI : DEFENDER (ISFJ-A) ZODIAC : virgo (subject to change) TEMPEREMENT :  phlegmatic SOUL  TYPE / S :  the helper ANIMALS :  mouse VICE  HABIT / S :  SMOKING FAITH :  christian (however, he is not very spiritual. religion does not matter much in his life, he just has his basic beliefs in the entity itself) GHOSTS ? :  yes, but not a strong belief AFTERLIFE ? :  yes REINCARNATION ? : probably not ALIENS ? :  yeah he would POLITICAL  ALIGNMENT :  ACCA EDUCATION  LEVEL :  high school graduate

FAMILY.

FATHER :  a poor man prior to managing an apartment complex (the one that was passed to jean and lotta after his death) that does not have much known about him. jean doesnt talk about him much because of his higher fondness towards his mother, but his father was not a particularly bad man. currently deceased from a train wreck MOTHER :  a woman who was formerly the second princess of Dowa, but was removed from the royal roster for the sake of the country. she kept this to herself, even her husband and children when she met them / they were born, because she had faked her death to become a commoner on the streets. currently deceased from a train wreck SIBLINGS :  lotta otus, approximately eighteen to twenty years old, is the younger sibling of jean. she has a striking resemblance to her mother, as jean notes, and currently lives with him in their shared apartment on the top floor. has a love for bread, pasteries, and just food in general really. she and jean are quite close to one another EXTENDED  FAMILY :  king falke II (jean’s grandfather, the current king in power), prince schwan (cousin), other royal family members NAME  MEANING / S :  jean’s first name in hebrew quite literally means “gift from God” while otus means “keen of hearing” in Greek HISTORICAL  CONNECTION ? :  historically speaking, jean is of a royal family bloodline. he does not know this for most of his life, nor does he care about it once he finds out that he is apart of it. he would have been the next king in line instead of schwan if not for his mother being removed off of the roster, but his bloodline is still all the more royal

FAVORITES.

BOOK :  he hasnt read a book unrelated to work in some time, so he doesnt really have one MOVIE :  see above 5  SONGS :  jean listens to a lot of untitled instrumentals, mostly because it appeals to him. he will listen to other things on and off, but his favorite thing is typing in something along the lines of “relaxing music” in the search bar and clicking one of the 8 hour videos and just letting it play. he doesnt need to know the tracks, theyre good enough for him like this DEITY :  speaking as hes christian, god / jesus obv HOLIDAY : christmas MONTH :  he doesnt have one SEASON : spring. jean likes things to be mild and, despite how flimsy spring can be, he doesnt mind it too much. he likes when its not too hot, not too cold, but doesnt like it to be as chilled and rainy as it can be in fall. spring brings about rain as well, but not nearly as often as fall does, so this is a higher preference for him PLACE : at the bar / anywhere with niino, at home / anywhere with lotta, a bakery, the roof of the apartment complex WEATHER :  he likes sun, but he doesnt like when its too hot. it has to be like, mild, because if its too hot then its uncomfortable for him. he likes when its breezy as well but, like previously said, not too much. just enough so that it isnt chilly SOUND :  niino / lotta’s laugh, a gentle breeze blowing, rain SCENT / S :  strawberry, cigarette smoke, baking bread, faint cologne scents (i e: a specific brand that niino wears), warm food cooking TASTE / S :  strawberries, tobacco, bread (specifically tough bread) FEEL / S :  the cigarette between his fingers, people he trusts rubbing his back, people he trusts petting his hair, silk ANIMAL / S :  cats NUMBER :  he doesnt have one COLORS :  blue

EXTRA.

TALENTS :  figuring out when someone is lying to him (for the most part), investigating BAD  AT :  getting close to people, expressing his emotions in a way that isnt just deadpan / poker faced, cooking, holding his liquor, dealing with social events (he isnt anxious, he just doesnt like being at them that much) TURN  ONS :  body worship (receiving), care, confidence, dirty talk, minimal marks, praise, soft biting (more to be added most likely) TURN  OFFS :  being too rough (he likes it softer, more making love-esque), having to beg too much, too much teasing (a little is okay) (more to be added most likely) HOBBIES :   drinking with niino, smoking (is this considered a hobby? idk), listening to music, going to bakeries TROPES :  “Royal blood”, “Smoking is cool”, etc QUOTES :  “I never noticed I had an observer you’d assigned to me. But he isn’t a straightforward guy.” (to Grossular, about Niino) || “I smell tobbaco on you.” || “I try not to think of my subordinates as exceptional. After all, doubting them is my job.” (to Eider)

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 :   if  you  could  write  your  character  your  way  in  their  own  movie ,   what  would  it  be  called ,  what  style  would  it  be  filmed  in ,  and  what  would  it  be  about ?           A1 :   what does ??????? this question even mean asldkfj Q2 :   what  would  their  soundtrack / score  sound  like ?           A2 :   itd probably be a lot of soft music. nothing super upbeat like pop and nothing like rock either. itd be maybe soft indie music, instrumentals, stuff like that Q3 :   why  did  you  start  writing  this  character ?           A3 :   you know, i honestly wasnt going to write any muse from this fandom? i figured the rp part of it would be dead after i couldnt find anyone after some time, but a few of my friends got wound up with the show after i talked about it so much and after they decided to make blogs, i made the decision to join them. even though i dont get that many interactions and this blog is still extremely new, i love being on jean. hes a really good character and im glad my friends convinced me to write him Q4 :   what  first  attracted  you  to  this  character ?           A4 :   honestly, it didnt come immediately. i never disliked jean, but i thought he was rather plain at first, which is to be understandable when you know how he is. i didnt think there was anything striking about him at all and i was more attracted to niino (i still am attracted to / love niino). that said, jean started to come to live more as the anime progressed and i found that hes really just a sweet bean and is VERY cute and i love him so so much. i think it was episode 3 when he was blushing / being precious and adorable while drunk that really got me getting gay for him Q5 :   describe  the  biggest  thing  you  dislike  about  your  muse.           A5 :  definitely the fact that he smokes. i dont hate people because they smoke, but i have an extreme aversion to smoking due to the fact that i not only have asthma and its very bad for me to be around, but because of the fact that it smells awful Q6 :   what  do  you  have  in  common  with  your  muse ?           A6 :  mmm, i think we’re similar in the fact that we’re pretty introverted and / or reserved and we like being away from social events and such Q7 :   how  does  your  muse  feel  about  you ?           A7 :   i hope he likes me. i love him so Q8 :   what  characters  does  your  muse  have  interesting  interactions  with ?         A8 :   honestly ? all of the interactions on my blog so far are great. my niino spyblooded and i already have like a kajillion threads and he loves their niino so so much <3. clandestinesque and i have an interesting thread and im not quite sure where we’re going to go with it but ive enjoyed it so far !!. spiritmiinded / astrallance and i also have good interactions too. we had great ones when i was still on keith too and im super happy that im still writing with them over here :’) Q9 :   what  gives  you  inspiration  to  write  your  muse ?         A9 :   i  dont really get inspiration, im just kinda here, writing because i enjoy it lmfao Q10 :   how  long  did  this  take  you  to  complete ?           A10 :   idk exactly but 2-3 hours probably ? longer than it took me to complete keiths i know that

[thenameisbinx]

Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe. 

so let’s start it like this instead. 

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are.  Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted. 

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along. 

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.  

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff. 

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate. 

Obedient -  submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to. 

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt. 

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood. 

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid. 

Strength -  legal, logical, or moral force;  degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved. 

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman? 

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable. 

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry. 

Tired -  drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own. 

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood. 

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me. 

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime. 

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear. 

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine. 

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while. 

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew. 

blame Monday. 

[groundramon]

even numbers for the ask thingy

2. favourite movie?

BIG HERO 6 because i am a weeb

4. dream date?not to be nsfw but id love to c*ddle and watch dumb anime w/ my bffs some day (i’d @ them but i dont wanna scare them ysdbcakjf and one of them doesnt have a tumblr but - rainy moony sharpy ily sobs)

6. what are your hobbies?Doing dumb shit, drawing when my tablet decides to work, writing when my brain decides to work, watching Appmon, and crying

8. if you could look like anything, what would you look like?DRAGON.

10. what’s your favourite type of weather?The kind of cloudy that blocks the sun but not a rainy cloudy, a cool breeze, maybe mid 70s during the day and 60s at night, p dry humidity but not like super dry humidity because my body will start falling apart, … raining is also ok but 1. its gotta be cooler and 2. i just dont wanna get wet so not during the day when im out pls

12. what are your turn ons?dr. agons.

14. if you got a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?I’ve always been partial to orioles and I’ve thought abt getting one of those dove-symbolic tattoos but with an oriole, probably with something in its beak that promotes love an acceptance (or since it’s like the dove from noah’s ark, incorporate a rainbow theme into it, and smth about how it can mean multiple things) and im not sure where it’d be but probably on my shoulder, low enough to see if i roll up my sleeve but high enough that i can cover it if i have to

16. dream job?Television writer for kids’ animation!!! serialized/fantasy animation like ATLA, Hilda, TDP, ect

18. dream vacation?Visiting ALL the pokemon centers in japan (or at least like, the biggest ones, Please)

20. if you had kids, what would you name them?Fuckboy and lavagirl

22. worst traits?Ok I dont want to be self loathing BUT a pet peeve I have @ myself is that every time I get a shiny pokemon im like “oh i am so fucking sexy I love SOS hunting” and then I try SOS hunting again and i die after 3 hours of misery for like 10 times before I get lucky again, and then the cycle repeats

anyways im off to go sos shiny h-

24. what do you want to eat right now?Hnggg i havent had blackberry frozen yogurt for so long

26. favourite city?whatever city in japan has the biggest pokemon center, thats my favorite

28. favourite article of clothing?awfully bold of you to assume that I avoid being nude for any other reason than dysphoria and self-conciousness

30. favourite meal of the day?I do enjoy my daily morning fruit loops

31. what are you excited for?HNG I might adopt a snek from my local reptile rescue place… my mom likes this 1 snake called a rosy boa and we think it might be rlly good for our situation!! because i’ll obvs have it (hopefully) going into college and although I want to move into a place where I can have the snake by my third year, my parents may want to go on vacation before then, sooo even tho feeding isn’t an issue water is.  HOWEVER rosy boas can go for pretty long periods of time without water, it seems like? so they might be perfect!! they’re also docile and small and apparently really stupid.  We were gonna ask abt the rosy boa and stuff tomorrow but my dad might need us to pick him up while costco works on his car :/ but we’ll look into the individual snake more soon.  This is kind of what it looks like btw!!!

so i realized after answering this that I did this wrong F so ill just answer the right question now but leave this

32. not excited for?Going to costco with my dad instead of looking at cute sneks at my local reptile rescue :/

34. dream house?So many plushies…….bed of plushies….bed of kinetic sand…..many reptiles….but like nice ones, i cant keep iguanas they make me sad :(

36. what’s something you love about the world?REPTILES but uh, honestly?  If humanity wasn’t so much of a hivemind as it is now thanks to the internet and whatnot (which sounds terfy and suspiciously aphobic but stay with me) I feel like humanity would have such amazing potential to structure itself in such an amazing way.  And by the hivemind, I mean we’re all connected and most of us function off of the same idea of human rights and government format.  I really believe in the freedom of speech but it’s hard to defend it when homophobes are the majority instead of the minority.  Plus, humanity isn’t evil, but the way corporate capitalism is has beaten us all into heartless monsters.  Socialism WOULDN’T work in america at large because capitalism turned us into greedy bitches.  It’s not fundamentally flawed, but we’ve been shaped into something incompatible with socialism, sadly.  So I kind of just bitched about the world but my point is, humans are very flexible, and we can change so much in so little time.  It takes effort to change an entire culture, but the flexibility of human nature from generation to generation is heartwarming.

38. what kind of sleeper are you?It’s super hard for me to fall asleep if there’s even like 1 sound but once im asleep im dead fucking asleep.  I wear ear plugs so you cannot wake me up.  Today a fridge repair man came and my parents said he was running this super loud machine but the only thing i heard was the dude leaving after everything was over bc thats when i happened to wake up.

40. are you a cat or dog person?CAT CAT CATCATCAT BUT IM ALLERGIC SOBS like dogs are good boys but we don’t get along.  I mean dogs like me, but I think - especially in more intelligent dogs - we kind of just respect each other from a distance.  Meanwhile I’m basically just an uglier cat so

(also i like snakes because they’re basically cats but noodlier, stupider, and im not allergic to them)

42. free! ask anythingSOL YOU DIDN’T ASK ME ANYTHINJG

44. are you trusting?It depends.  If you’ve done smth to make me suspicious, then I’m suspicious.  If not, then I’m not.  I’m also kind of just an open book to everyone i meet as long as I think they’re LGBT friendly and whatever so yeah, i dont have a lot of secrets lmao

46. what labels do you commonly get?I’m pretty sure this isn’t related but my friend diagnosed me as Digit from Cyberchasers-kin today

48. what issues are you dealing with right now?Jesus christ where do i fucking start okay:- tablet broken, dont know why (well i know whats wrong but i cant fix it), have to draw at particular angles to draw, cant use paper bc of sensory overload, big sad- mom’s phone is breaking, dont know why, big sad- fridge broke, its fixed now but i need cold water to not have headache and its taken all damn day to cool down- still grieving over Peppermint- politics Suck- Friends upsetti over miscellaneous shitty (not at me tho we wuv each other)- sensory overload makes EVERYTHING SO LOUD- we’re almost out of milk. i dont know if ill have enough milk for my fruit loops tomorrow. help.- my fingers?? were literally peeling because it was so dry here for a lil while??? theyre kind of better now but then i decided to sew so i fucked them up again- also did i mention im super behind on plushies- also my sewing machine isnt working with the thread i need it to work with (or im dumb)- I still have hang nails and im constantly worried abt nose bleeds bc of the lack of humidity Please Help Me- I owe my parents so much fucking money for vet bills and plushies.  They didnt even charge me for the more expensive vet bill or the cuddle clones plush, just the first bill.  But I only have like $32 left on that and I owe like $44 for plushies that I bought after the vet bill so I’m also just stupid- cuddle clones hasnt contacted me since i placed the order and i never specified the pose (bc there wasnt enough fucking room) so im concerned- i sent the reptile rescue guy an email but he didnt get back to me and im Big Sad bc if hed Reply i wouldnt even have to go (well obvs i would eventually, but i just mean like, rn)- mom’s battling in court for her inheritance because my step grandma is a bitch, and my dad’s been having Drama with his siblings after my grandma passed away, and im big stressed

50. what’s something about you people don’t know?Like how many people we talking here? bc if you mean nobody knows then aw piss this doesnt count. but if you mean just like tumblr/excluding like 3 other people uhhh i might be working on a warrior cats fanfiction because oh you know im a weeb.  But if you mean nobody knows then i want to write a harujin fanfic but im lazy. also you could probably guess that i want to write that but. it still counts.