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ivarsrideordie · 6 years

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The Hidden Clearing

Must be 18+ to read. No if, ands or buts.

Pairing: Alex Høgh Andersen/Ivar the Boneless x Reader

Warnings: Smut, language, rough sex, BDSM, and fluff.

Title: A Hidden Clearing

Words: 3,346

Masterlist

This will also be posted to my AO3 account in the future.

There is no Danish in this except the normal nicknames and pet words.

If there is Danish written into the story, I just put ((insert text)) at the end of the sentence or paragraph.

If you would like to be tagged, comment or message me. I’ll be happy to add you.

You opened the shower door. Alex stood there smugly grinning. You were excited but you didn’t want him to see that. Grabbing your towel from the holder, you climbed out. He eyed you hungrily.

“I’m going to get ready so we can go to dinner. I should be ready soon.” You sweetly smiled.

“I’ve got a surprise waiting for you. So hurry up.” He had a wicked grin spread across his face and you loved it. You felt butterflies build in your core. You were wondering what he had planned.

As you walked by, you brushed your wet body against him. He licked his lips.

“You like that? Do you Mr. Andersen?” You bit your bottom lip, giving him an innocent puppy dog look.

“Mhm.” He pulled you close. His lips softly kissing down your neck. You felt heat sear through your body. His tongue licked at your collarbone. You let out a longing sigh.

“Alex. We are going to be late.” You whimpered.

“I know.” He mumbled through muffled kisses up your neck. “You taste so sweet min elskede. I just want to eat you up.” He nibbled on your earlobe. Your body quivered. You grabbed his face, pulling it to you. You invaded his mouth with a deep kiss. Your tongues crash together. Gods, he tasted so good.

You pull back. “I am going to get dressed. You should really calm him down.” You grinned and glanced at his erection.

“But Lille Mus!” He whined.

“Go! I will see you in the living room.” You kissed the corner of his mouth and went to dig in the closet for a sexy dress.

You heard him mumbling something incoherently in Danish as he stomped down the hall. His game room door slammed shut. You stood there smiling. “Well, at least he’s playing a game to calm down.”

You were searching for the perfect dress and you found it! You placed the dress against your body and looked in the mirror. Ah yes. This is it. You slipped on a pair of black fishnet stockings. You were about to put on a pair of black thong panties when you decided against it. A devilish grin came across your face. You went to your dresser and pulled out your garter belt. This was Alex’s favorite one. It was a silk belt with lace on the underside. He loved the silky feel of it. Whenever you wore it, he would slide a hand under your dress just so he could pet it. And you of course. Tonight he will be pleasantly surprised since you decided not to wear panties. You hooked the belt straps into your stockings. You grabbed the dress from your bed and slid it over your head. You had chosen a spaghetti strap leather dress that was skin tight and zipped from bottom to top in the front. You sprayed on his favorite perfume and lightly painted your face. Alex loved your natural look but you always wanted to look your best on date night.

“Alex?” You called in a sing-song voice. “I’m ready!”

You heard him jump off the couch. Hurried footsteps came to the door. He flung open the door. His mouth dropped open at the sight of you. A sound came from him you had never heard before. You couldn’t even describe it if you wanted to. It was sexy beyond words.

“Åh Lille Mus. Jeg kunne spise dig lige her og nu!” He growled. ((Oh little mouse. I could eat you up right here and now!))

Your stomach lurched into your throat. Ivar was coming out. You could hardly control your excitement. Alex had a devilish grin. He slowly walked over to you, eyeing you up and down. Your body grew warm. Your face flushed. He reached out for your shoulder, dragging a finger as he walked behind you. Your body shivered. He wrapped his arms around your waist. Your body reacted to his touch. You let out a small whimper. He pressed his lips against your shoulder. He moved your hair to the side to access the nape of your neck. His lips and tongue peppered your neck. Your eyes closed. Your head fell forward to allow him easier access. You slid your arms behind you and grabbed his hips. He had started grinding his cock on your ass. Gods you wanted him. You wanted him now.

“Alex. A… Alex. Come on.” You stifled a moan. “We need to go.”

He growled against your skin. He brought his mouth to the shell of your ear and whispered. “Who is this Alex you speak of? Hmm?” His scalding breath whisked across your lobe. His voice seethed in that devilish Viking accent.

Your knees grew weak. “Oh, my king. King Ivar. I am so sorry. I… I...” Ivar stopped you.

“You what? You’ve been bringing another man to your bed? Have you been a slutty little bitch?” He snapped. He swung you around by your arm to face him. His eyes dark. He was practically salivating with lust.

“No, no my king! Never!” You pleaded. You bit your lip. You fought every instinct in your body to just let him have his way with you right then and there.

“Good. Go get in the car, my queen. I’ll be right there.” Ivar licked his lip. Pop! He smacked your ass hard. You whipped around, looking at him with shock and lust. Ivar chuckled. “Go!” He shooed you away.

You headed out to his ‘57 Chevy. It was a beauty. Candy apple red with a blonde drop top. You climbed into the passenger seat. You started thinking about Valentine’s Day. How he had done everything you asked him to do. Everything he wanted to do. And you didn’t care. You loved every minute of it. You felt your pussy grow wet. Your hands slid to your thighs. You lightly tickled the inside of your thigh. Ivar came from the house. He had changed into a black blazer and black pleated pants. His blazer was unbuttoned revealing a gray microfiber shirt that clung to his well toned-chest. His long brown hair was hanging down, resting on his shoulders. Your heart skipped a beat. You crossed your legs to alleviate the throbbing in your sex. God. Look at him. You let out a sigh. Ivar opened his door.

He glanced at your fingers lightly massaging your thighs. His face grew dark.

“What time do we need to be there?”

“Soon.” Ivar snapped. “I see you are touching yourself again. I have told you time and time again. Why must you do this to me? WHY?!” His roar sent a chill through your body. You unexpectedly moaned. He rolled his tongue around his bottom teeth. “I see.” He got in the car, slamming the door.

Ivar started down the driveway. A few miles down the road he swerved off to a side road. He drove deep into the woods. There was a small clearing. He stopped. You kept your eyes forward and gulped. You felt his stare. Slowly you looked to him. He was licking his lips and grinning that sexy Ivar grin. You bit your bottom lip.

“Åh min dronning. Jeg ved, du har været en slette lille hore. Du har ligget sammen med denne mand ved navn Alex. Jeg vil lære dig, hvad der sker, når du snyder på Ivar den Boneless!” Ivar hissed. ((Oh my queen. I know you have been a slutty little whore. You have lain with this man named Alex. I will teach you what happens when you cheat on Ivar the Boneless!))

Before you could say anything, Ivar was on top of you. His hand was on the back of your head, pulling your hair. You whimpered.

“Jeg vil kvæle dig så hårdt, dine tænder vil vokse lige.” You felt his hand slide up your dress. “What is this? No panties! What were you going to do with this Alex?” He bellowed. ((I’m going to choke you so hard, your teeth will grow straight.))

He didn’t wait for you to answer. His mouth crashed into yours. He moaned into your mouth. His teeth nipped at your bottom lip. You felt his free arm slide under the small of your back. He laid you back on the bench seat. Ivar unzipped your dress revealing your supple breasts. His mouth found your breasts. He bit down on one nipple. You sucked a breath in through your teeth. His hand grabbed your throat. He slightly squeezed. You felt your cunt grow slick.

“You will always be mine.” Ivar hissed. He reached between your legs. He ran a finger up your slit. Ivar licked his finger as if he had just scooped whipped cream off of a sundae. “My. You taste so sweet and you are so wet. I can’t wait to get my cock in you.” He squeezed a little harder on your throat. Everything was getting fuzzy. You could feel the heat of his enraged cock against your leg. He let go of your throat to unzip his pants. You coughed and inhaled deeply. He pulled his pants down and laid on top of you again. The tip of his cock lightly teasing your lips. You spread your legs for him to enter you.

“Oh no. You don’t get that yet, Lille Mus.” His hand went back to your throat and applied pressure. Ivar nipped at your earlobe. You shivered at his touch. Your throat began to burn. You gasped for air. Ivar released slightly. You sucked in a deep breath. He reached into the glove compartment. He pulled out your pair of handcuffs. You smirked but quickly hid it. Man, those things are getting a lot of use lately. You couldn’t help it. You grinned and he saw.

“Hvad er så sjovt? Morer jeg dig?” He vehemently spat. His grip grew tighter. You dug your nails into his flesh. Your throat burned. Each breath becoming harder. You felt yourself passing out. ((What is so funny? Do I amuse you?)) “Jeg vil få dig til at betale for din uforskammethed!”((I will make you pay for your insolence!)) His head dipped to your neck. His tongue lapping up the salty taste of your skin. He moaned against your skin. His grasp on your neck grew stronger. He growled against your skin as he nipped and sucked. You could no longer breathe.

You smack his elbow letting him know you needed to breathe. He released you in horror. You took a deep breath. “Oh, my gods Y/N! I’m so sorry!” Alex cried out. Tears welled up in his eyes.

“Oh baby, it’s ok. You can keep going. I just needed to breathe.” You pulled him down by the nape of his neck. You place a light kiss on his lips and wipe away a few tears. You sweetly smiled. “Can Ivar come back out to play?” You bit your lip.

Alex slightly smiled. “Are you sure Lille Mus?” He tenderly kissed your chin. You heard him sniffle.

“Yes. Please continue my love. It’s okay. Promise.”

Quickly he got back into character. “Get out of the car. Now!” He hissed.

You shook your head. Fire lit in his eyes. Your body ached for him. He pulled up his pants. Ivar got out, slammed the door and stomped over to your side. He grabbed your hair and dragged you out of the car. You hit the ground hard. You forgot how strong he was when he was role-playing. He pulled you along dragging you to the back of his car.

“Get on the trunk!” He demanded. His face reminded you of that scene where he was crawling to Heahmund after he had captured him.

“No!” Your body quivered. You had never defied Ivar before. He wrapped his arms around your legs, picking you up. He slammed you on the trunk. You licked your lips. Ivar got the handcuffs out of his pocket. He grabbed both of your wrists, pinning them behind you. He snapped them closed tightly. He bit down hard on your shoulder. You let out a yelp.

“You will do as I say. You are now my slave. Do not defy me again!” His eyes devouring the sight of you. He brought your hips towards him. “Jeg har haft flødeskummen. Nu har jeg brug for kirsebær.” ((I've had the whipped cream. Now I need the cherry.)) Ivar dove between your legs. His mouth sucked hard on your clit. His tongue flicked like a jackhammer. You were driven mad. Your legs began to shake. You felt him slip two fingers inside you. He curled them, hitting that sweet spot. He moved his thumb to your clit, still massaging it quickly. His hot breath brushed against your lips. A wave rolled over you. You felt it coming. You were about to orgasm. Ivar buried his tongue deep inside you. Your walls spasmed as he lapped up your cum. He licked and kissed you clean. His tongue paying special attention to the cherry he wanted to taste ever so much. He ran his hands up your stomach to your breasts. He firmly squeezed them.

“What do you say, slave? Should I remove your bindings?” He asked through a thick accent.

“If you wish it my king. My master. I will do anything you ask of me.”

“Hmm.” Ivar pondered. “I will take them off. I hope I can trust you to not do anything funny.”

You nodded. You just wanted what was coming. You needed him inside you. Just like he needed you too. He removed one of the cuffs, pulling your arms around. He pushes his pants down again. He takes your wrists, pulling you close. Before you knew it, your wrists were cuffed around his waist.

“ALEX!! How are we going to get out of this!?” You screamed.

He let out a belly laugh. “I’ve got that covered min elskede. Now back in character.”

“Skrig for mig! Skrig mit navn! Cum for mig! Lad mig skrige!” With one swift motion, he slammed his enraged cock into you. ((Scream for me! Scream my name! Cum for me! Make me scream!))

You gasp as the tip of his cock slammed into your cervix. God, it hurt so bad but felt so good. Ivar began grunting and growling. You roll your hips upwards. He placed his hands on your hips for more control. You contract your pussy walls around his cock. You felt him twitch inside you. He thrust faster. His body began to quake. He let out an animalistic groan. He positioned you so his member massaged your clit as he slid in and out of your pussy. You felt your walls collapsing. The pleasure was too much.

“Fuck me harder Ivar! Oh, gods HARDER!” You bit down on his shoulder, drawing blood. Your cunt exploded in ecstasy. You felt your juices flood out of you and drip down your ass. Ivar felt you release all over his balls. With that, his body became erratic. You kept contracting your walls as hard as you could. Wave after wave of orgasm flowed through you. All you could do was whine and whimper. Your voice hoarse.

“Shit! Shit! Oh, fuck! Oh, my gods Y/N!” You felt his seed coat your walls. He let out a deep guttural moan. He slid his hand up the nape of your neck. His fingers entangled in your long locks. His lips found yours. He softly kissed your lips. His hot breath sweeping across your cheek. He squeezed you tight. Your bodies cling together.

“Jeg elsker dig.” You whispered in his ear.

“Jeg elsker dig til månen og tilbage min kærlighed.” Alex replied. ((I love you to the moon and back my love.))

“So, what’s your plan to get out of this predicament?” You smirked.

“Well.” He started. “I didn’t really think this one through as well as I thought I did.”

“Oh shit. What? What did you do Alex?!”

“Well,” He paused. “the keys are in my pocket. In my pants. On the ground.”

You both looked to the ground.

“Well, this shouldn’t be that hard?” You sarcastically questioned.

“Here.” He lifted his arms above his head. “Try this.”

You try to lift your arms up, but his shoulders are too broad. He chuckled. Cackled. Roared with laughter.

“What is so damn funny?”

“We are going to be found like this days later, dehydrated from fucking like rabbits.”

“WHAT?!” You looked at him in horror. “You need to fix this now Alex!”

He manically cackled and picked you up by your ass. He maneuvered himself so you were riding him piggyback style. He carried you to the front seat.

You clicked your tongue. “Come on, donkey.” You slapped him on the ass.

“Oh lord.” He rolled his eyes. He set you down on the front seat. “Scoot back.” He sat down in front of you. “You know, I could sit like this forever. I love the feeling of your soft, supple tits against my back.” He grinned. You sighed and bit down on his shoulder blade. “Ow! Okay. Okay.”

He bent down grabbing his pants. He fished around in his pocket. “Well, I have good news and bad news.”

“WHAT?” You cried. “I’m freezing Alex. What is it now?”

“I can’t find the keys. Want to hear the good news?”

“Oh, my gods! We are going to die like this! Why did I..” Alex shook a set of keys. “Oh for fuck’s sake! You shit head!” You heard him snickering. You felt the sweet release of one of the cuffs. Your arms fell to his lap. He uncuffed the other one, placing the handcuffs back into the glove compartment. He brought your bruised wrists to his mouth. He peppered them with soft kisses. You laid your head on his back.

“Did you have fun?” He licked your wrist, knowing how it turned you on.

“Yes, babe. I had lots of fun.” You ran your hand through his hair. You were always so envious of his hair. It was always soft and full-bodied. He sighed contently.

“We should get going. Don’t want to be late for dinner.” He stood, pulling his boxers and pants up.

“Aww, okay.” You had just started feeling relaxed again.

“Here. Let me help you.” He gave you his hand. “M’lady.”

“Why thank you, kind sir.”

He put your dress over your shoulders. The soft leather slid down your body. Slowly he zipped you up. He bit his lip as your body disappeared.

“I can’t wait to taste you again Lille Mus.” He wet his lips.

“Soon enough my love. Soon enough.” You brushed your fingers against his cheek and planted a kiss in the corner of his mouth. “Now let’s get out of here.”

He helped you get in the car and closed the door.

The engine roared. You cranked down his window, allowing the cool night breeze to sweep across your face. You closed your eyes.

“Lille mus?”

“Hmm?” You hummed.

“Should we go change?”

“Not unless you want to. You are the one that dropped your pants in the dirt.” You sniggered.

“Ha, ha. Very funny.” He looked down at himself. “I think I’ll be okay.”

You took his hand in yours. You sat in blissful quietness for the rest of the trip. The wind blowing through your hair. The smell of fresh cut grass. The salty smell of the ocean. The car stopped.

“We are here min elskede.” Alex sang.

You opened your eyes. It was your spot. You lovingly smiled. “This is perfect.”

“So, what would you like to do next time?” He smirked.

“You will see Alex. You will see.”

Alex opened your door. He gave you his hand, pulling you up. He brought your body close to his. He slid his arms around your waist, squeezing you tightly. You pulled back and brushed off all the dirt you could find on him.

“Let’s go mus. I’m sure Joe is waiting for us.” He kissed your forehead and whisked you into the restaurant.

@lisinfleur @therealcalicali @missrobyn81 @dangerousvikings @ivarswickedqueen @bang-kim-bap @michaeliskindahot @heathen-whore @vikingsbifrost @hvitserksgirl @mblaqgi @ivarsshieldmadien @captstefanbrandt @funmadnessandbadassvikings @titty-teetee @ethereallysimple @ivars-snowflake @babydoll7478 @inthenameofodin @ivarsheathen @microsmacrosandneedles @trailerthoughtstexas @ivars-heathen @wichesterwife27 @cbouvier23 @tierneygonzalez @dmv49 @ivaraddict @akamaiden @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @jxylynn-eliz @tayachristopher @ivarlcthbrok

#alex høgh #alex høgh andersen #alex hogh andersen #ivar the boneless #ivar lothbrok #ivar x reader #alex x reader #fanfic

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bestliveshow6949 · 4 years

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Youth Activities Ii - Valentine’s Day Time

Can a Valentine's Day be messed up with a straightforward https://en.search.wordpress.com/?src=organic&q=dansk gift? Well, it would appear that Amy LaBelle can.

A lengthy, very long time back, when even the stuffed toy stores have been not everywhere and no one taught women how you can enjoy their sex, I was already a stressed and lively youngster who imagined checking out the industry of delight alone or perhaps in company.

At that time, I had a man with whom I needed began to make it happen together with whom I spent the afternoons of Saturdays from bash to bash. Though if we have been lucky along with his mothers and fathers went to village to the weekend, sometimes we could also spend the times together and also the celebration was better still. Which was when February came and remembering Valentine's Time seemed the most appropriate thing to do. We were privileged to obtain among those Saturdays whenever we could rely on the house of his mother and father, therefore we prepared almost everything to savor a wonderful night of enjoy very hormonal. He would look after acquiring some take out, as well as renting a porno video and getting more condoms, and I would acquire some under garments he got never observed and carry some fragrant candles to create the atmosphere. In fact a few things i got lay out to perform was delight him with a very interesting gift item both for individuals.

We had concluded dinner when he took out a tiny package covered with gold papers. To my amazement, his soft romanticism got directed him to provide us a engagement ring together with his name engraved upon it, as well as the particular date in our very first erotic deal with. Right then I thought it was fine to explain to him that this is not usually the date engraved on this kind of gift idea, nevertheless i realized that on his component, it had been a very wonderful details as well as attractive, plus it would stop being required to explain to anyone that this became not exactly the time of our own anniversary. She got also delivered a number of containers of condoms of varied flavours that her co-workers experienced certain her that I would go crazy and this I would not cease until I had tried all of them. In the event it was my turn to give her my gift item, I got out a beautifully twisted footwear box. Her very first reaction was obviously to believe that we was giving her some sneakers and her grin distributed from ear to ears. When she picked up the lid from the pack and noticed a tremendous crimson vibrator her touch transformed immediately and her anger became the protagonist of the festivity, as to what I needed was required to preserve as much as buy it!

A long, number of years ago, gentlemen only comprehended competition inside the sex area as well as any penis besides their particular was an affront for their virility. The one which was not only power-driven but also longer and fuller than his very own was an insult to his immature head. That Valentine's besøg dette websted lige her Time evening failed to end properly for people like us since there was clearly absolutely no way he could know the value that plaything would bring to our intimacy. Even so, I didn't give up and a few weeks later on, once again from the tranquility of my father's property, I surely could train him to take pleasure from the strength that that vibrator offered him over my system as he dealt with it along with his palms. He failed to like to talk about it together with his friends by any means, but whenever we could, he failed to think twice to take it out for the far more lustful games.

Unfortunately, it is still occurring these days and there are individuals who have not yet understood that in the sex partnership almost everything provides up when you both take it. I, after a long time, although I actually have changed partners often a few things i still do is provide online games and playthings in all my intimate instances. Which tells me i have to consider what things to acquire with me for my day with this unique night.

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ftmdemi-male-blog · 8 years

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Coming out // Springe ud

((Danish below ^^))

There is a lot of background knowledge on me that should be shared before any of this will make any sense :) The story will come as I go on with what I want to tell.

Until now I’ve been known as a young woman on 23. I’ve been out as pansexual since high school and I’m perfectly comfortable with that. All of my friends have been supportive and nowhere in my public have I met a questioning eye. My parents didn’t take it all that well.

I have three amazing friends online. All European like me, but none from the same country. I met them in Paris in January this year and they only became more amazing after that. They all have a leg in the LGBT+ community in one way or another. One is pansexual like me, one is bisexual, and one is lesbian. The pansexual one also has trans friends so I knew they would be acceptable. But even then I found the whole coming out extremely difficult. I told them separately one by one. Two of them I told the same day. One I couldn’t handle just yet. They were supportive all of them, promised to try and remember to call me Jackson but apologized in advance until they got used to the whole thing. Extremely supportive and apparently proud of me too. Now, the third took me a couple of days to come out to. Our situation is a little different. You see, I am roleplaying online. Roleplaying gives me the chance of creating a character, give this person a name and a face and then live their life. I created a character - Jackson - years ago. I’ve been roleplaying my male side through him. RPJackson has been the one I would be if I didn’t have to consider stereotypes and gender roles. How would people react if a man acted and behaved like he did? I needed to figure out back then. And the last girl happened to have the boyfriend to my roleplay Jackson. So coming out to her, telling her that the Jackson her character was dating is basically myself was incredibly hard. When I told her she wasn’t really surprised - which surprised me. She said she had seen it coming. She asked if she could give me stupid nicknames and let that be it. From then on I went as Jackson. That was Tuesday. I was out to my friends. I came out to two more friends that day too. I still had one tough one to go: My girlfriend.

My girlfriend, I’ve been with since October 2015. I know she was probably the one who deserved to know most, but I simply didn’t have the guts to come out to her just yet. My girlfriend is very much lesbian and has stated that she hates men. To say I was scared my be the understatement of the year.

I told her yesterday about being trans. I told her everything. And I’m still a wreck. She said she supports me but she doesn’t know about our relationship. She tells me she still loves me but she isn’t sure she can be with a man. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming she would say that, but it still hurts more than I thought it would. I’m giving her the time she needs and of course, I answer all her questions too.

For now, I’m not going to tell my family. I’m scared of how they will react. I also have to think about how I can come out to classmates, coworkers, and whatnot. I’m still thinking about all the consequences there are to coming out.

Now, what happened after I came out? I can literally feel a change in my step. I’m walking more confidently. I’m still having this nauseous feeling of elation of everyone so far being supportive of my change in gender. It’s nice. And honestly, I’m having this dying urge to come out to just about everyone that isn’t my family. Like, I’ve been so happy in the past 4 days and people have commented on it, but I can’t really tell them my reason. As much as I want to. But I know that for most my family deserve to know - probably first too. I want to get on T and have top surgery so they will no chance but to notice when I get that far.

This one became a long post. And not as deep into my emotions as I thought. I was scared and now I’m happy, but still scared. I still have a lot to face, consider, do, and say in this matter. This is just the beginning. But I’m feeling good. I feel like I can do this.

Next blog post will be about body dysphoria.

Dansk:

Der er en helt del baggrundsviden omkring min person og jeg. Meget af det der bliver sagt her er sikkert meget indforstået. Jeg skal dog forsøge at fortælle frem og tilbage efterhånden som jeg kommer til emnerne.

Indtil nu har jeg været kendt som en ung kvinde på 23. Jeg har været sprunget ud som panseksuel siden gymnasiet og har det generalt rigtig godt med det. Jeg har kun fået støtte fra venner og andre personer. De eneste der ikke har taget det pænt er mine forældre. De er knap så forstående som jeg kunne have ønsket mig.

Jeg har tre fantastiske venner jeg har mødt på nettet. De er alle fra Europa men fra forskellige lande. Jeg mødte dem alle i Paris i Januar og det er de kun blevet bedre venner af. De er alle en del af LGBT+ fællesskabet rundt omkring. Én er panseksuel og har trans-venner, én er biseksuel og den sidste er lesbisk. Så jeg har altid vidst at de ville være fuld støtte. Men det har stadig taget tid at nå til det punkt hvor jeg føler at jeg kunne komme ud til dem. Selvom jeg vidste de ville støtte mig 100%. Jeg fortalte dem det én ad gangen. To af dem fortalte jeg i søndags. De var begge meget støttende og meget stolte også. De lovede mig at de ville forsøge at huske at kalde mig ham og han, og kalde mig Jackson. De undskyldte også i tilfælde af at ville glemme det. Den sidste kunne jeg ikke springe ud til endnu. Vores situation er en anelse anderledes end den var med de andre. Ser i, jeg rollespiller på nettet. Rollespil giver mig mulighed for at lave en karakter, give vedkommende et navn og et ansigt. Den karakter jeg lavede er Jackson. Altså mig selv. Den Jackson jeg er når jeg ikke skal forholde mig til forventninger og kønsroller. Jeg brugte ham som et forsøg. Hvordan ville folk behandle ham hvis en mand opførte sig sådan? Jeg forsøgte simpelthen at skabe et liv som Jackson. Og den Jackson er altså mig, den jeg rigtigt er. Og den sidste af mine venner er tilfældigvis hende der styrre rollespillets Jacksons kæreste. Så at komme ud til hende var rigtig svært. Den Jackson hun kendte og troede var min karakter er egentlig mig selv. Til min overraskelse var hun ikke spor overrasket. Hun havde set det komme. Hun spurgte bare om hun måtte give mig underlige kælenavne og lod det være det. Meget antiklimatisk men så så så så så rart. Derfra har jeg været Jackson. Det var tirsdag. Jeg var kommet ud til mine venner. Både dem online og to som bor i Danmark. Jeg havde stadig den sværeste tilbage: min kæreste.

Jeg har været sammen med min kæreste side Oktober 2015. Jeg ved hun nok var den der fortjente at få det at vide først, men jeg var simpelthen for bange. Hun er lesbisk og har sagt flere gange at hun hader mænd. At jeg var bange var nok den største underdrivelse i år.

I går fortalte jeg hende det så. Jeg fortalte hende at jeg er trans. Jeg er stadig ret så ødelagt over det. Hun sagde at hun vil støtte mig i det, selvfølgelig, men at hun ikke love noget om vores forhold. Hun siger at hun stadig elsker mig men hun er ikke sikker hun kan være en mand. Jeg kan ikke sige jeg ikke så det komme, men det gør stadig ondt. Mere end jeg egentlig havde regnet med. Hun får selvfølgelig den tid hun har behov for, og jeg tager mig tid til at svare på alle de spørgsmål hun nu en gang må have.

Lige nu har jeg ingen intentioner om at fortælle min familie. Jeg er bange for hvordan de vil reagere. Jeg går også og tænker på om jeg skal komme ud til mine klassekammerater, kollegaer og hvad jeg ellers skal støde på. Jeg tænker stadig over hvilke konsekvenser det hele vil have.

Nå, men hvad skete så med mig siden jeg kom ud? Jeg har bestilt tid ved en frisør der skal klippe mit hår til en maskulin frisure. Jeg har haft en seriøs kvalme af lettelse siden i går. Jeg har faktisk lyst til at komme ud til alle og enhver. Det er jo gået så godt så langt. Og jeg har været så glad de sidste fire dage at folk har kommenteret på det. Jeg kan dog ikke fortælle dem den egentlige grund. Jeg kan bare trække på skuldrene og håbe de ikke spørger ind. Jeg tænker at de næste der skal vide det er min familie. Jeg ønsker at få hormonbehandling og få fjernet mine bryster. Det vil de nok opdage uanset hvor forsigtig jeg er.

Det er gået hen og blevet en lang post. Den er ikke så dybdegående i følelserne som jeg havde ønsket, men egentlig så er det ret svært at beskrive følelser der er så sammenblandede og difuse som jeg føler mig nu. Jeg har stadig meget der skal ske, meget der skal siges og gøres og mange konfrontationer som jeg skal møde, men jeg har det godt og jeg er ved godt mod. Det skal jeg nok også komme igennem.

Det næste opslag vil blive om kønsforvirring og om ikke at føle sig hjemme i egen krop

#transgender #trans ftm #trans male #transkønnet #dansk #LGBT #trans #transition #transition ftm #hormone treatment #testosterone #hormonbehandling

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