#i continue breaking out but i am even more miserable bc of the lack of treats in my daily life

[capcarolsdanver]

Training

Request: Bello! New here! Could you do some Carol x Reader where they have a relathionship like Tony and Peter? Bônus If Peter is Reader boyfriend?

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader (with Carol Danvers x reader friendship I guess?)

A/N: Oh my god this is way longer than I aimed for it to be. My bad. I had a whole bunch of trouble writing this fic. I really like the idea of it but it was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be and I’m definitely not super happy with it (probably bc it wasn’t Carol x reader relationship if I’m being real). Hopefully it’s okay, please send me any feedback!!

You don’t remember much about your life before you met the Avengers. The first clear memory you had was from when you woke up in the Avengers facility, jolting awake with a scream. You looked around at the unfamiliar room, panic setting in before a woman quickly entered the room, her eyes full of concern as they took you in.

“Hi. You’re awake,” she said gently, trying to ease your obvious distress as she slowly stepped further into the room. “Do you know who I am?”

You squinted at her, and while she did look familiar, you couldn’t place her face. You shook your head and she offered you a soft smile.

“My name is Carol Danvers. What’s yours?” It took you more than a few seconds, but it finally came to you and you told her your name. “Well, it’s nice to officially meet you, Y/N.”

Carol moved to take a seat next to the bed and your eyes followed her. Though you still felt a sense of uneasiness, Carol’s presence seemed to ease your discomfort slightly.

“Do you remember how you got here?” She asked. You felt panic begin to set in again as you realised that you didn’t. “Hey. It’s okay,” Carol said, gently placing her hand on your arm. “I’ll remind you, okay?”

You nod and let Carol recount how some of the Avengers were helping to deal with an explosion in New York, the result of some wannabe villain failing miserably at his grand plan of taking on the Avengers. Though he got their attention, he was immediately caught and luckily his damage was kept to a minimum.

“Danvers, why don’t you check out that warehouse for anyone inside?” Steve gestured towards a small warehouse that had taken a hit and even though it looked likely abandoned, Carol nodded and made her way inside.

That’s where she found you, curled into a ball behind some boxes near the corner of the warehouse. She approached you carefully, moving to place a hand on your wrist but quickly becoming startled when her hand moved straight through your arm.

“Rogers, I’m gonna need some assistance here.” Carol spoke into the comms and watched you closely to make sure you were breathing, sighing in relief at the slight intake of breath she saw you take.

You looked at Carol with surprise as she spoke.

“Wait. Your hand went through my arm?”

“Yeah. As soon as I realised you had powers I knew we had to bring you back here. Steve helped me figure out a way to-”

“Hang on a second,” you interrupted, bringing your hand up to rest on your forehead. “Powers? I think you’re mistaking me for someone else.” Carol lightly chuckled.

“Trust me, I saw it myself. I’m not mistaking you for anyone else.” At your reaction, she squinted her eyes at you. “You really don’t remember anything, do you?”

“I think I’m lucky to even remember my name, to be honest.” Carol smiled sadly at you.

“You know, I actually know a bit about the whole forgetting your past thing, too.” She said. “It’s rough. But I had people help me to find myself again. And you have people, too.” You looked at her skeptically. “Well, you at least have me,” she shrugged with a smile. You returned her smile before your eyes dropped to you hands and you studied them for a moment.

“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I mean, I have powers. Like, where did they come from? What powers do I even have?”

“We’ll figure that out, don’t worry.” Carol stood from the chair. “For now, you need rest. Everything else can wait.” She made her way to the door before turning back to you. “Tomorrow we’ll have you moved into your new room and you can hopefully feel a bit at home.”

You thanked Carol as she left, still unsure about your new surroundings but significantly more relaxed.

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You settled in at the Avengers facility quicker than you had expected. Carol had been there for you practically any time you needed someone, just like she said you would, and you couldn’t even express how grateful you were for it.

You had found yourself waking up almost nightly in a cold sweat, most often than not screaming yourself awake, and Carol had immediately rushed to your room and to your side every single time without fail.

“Hey, Y/N. Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe,” she would whisper as you clung to her tightly. She would hold you reassuringly until you’d cried all the tears you had and if you wanted to talk she would stay and listen, but usually you’d just apologise to her and try to go back to sleep.

You had become equally excited and nervous to learn more about your powers and how to use them, and you and Carol spent hours on end in the training room trying to figure out what you could do. You had no memory of ever even having powers, and Carol only had her first encounter with you to go off of, so she’d assumed you could probably manipulate density in some way.

At first you were worried you would accidentally hurt Carol, but then she showed you exactly what she could do with her powers and your worries almost immediately faded. Carol was incredibly strong and you felt honoured that she’d decided to act as a mentor of sorts to you.

It was a few weeks after you had first arrived that you met Peter Parker. He had finally taken Tony up on his offer to stay at the facility so he could properly train and learn the abilities of his upgraded suit inside and out. Carol seemed to be quite fond of Peter and he liked to hang out in the training room while you were in there, frequently shooting you encouraging words as you grew frustrated at your lack of control over your powers.

You had your first breakthrough one day when you and Carol were sparring while Peter took a break from his own training to watch you. You could tell Carol was trying to frustrate you, never letting you land any solid hits and even using her powers a little to throw you off. At one point you lashed out at her, and she easily dodged your attempts and swiped your legs. You were thrown onto the ground and she pinned you down.

“Come on, Y/N. You’re almost there, I can tell.” You tried to push Carol off of you but she pinned your arms to the ground on either side of you, not backing down. You continued to try and push at her and Carol watched your frustration build as she held your attempts at bay. “Don’t just use your physical strength. It’s more than just that.”

You had no idea what she meant, but she clearly wasn’t going to let up any time soon, so you tried to focus on her words rather than putting all you efforts into pushing at her. You saw Carol’s eyes widen slightly as suddenly, you felt her weight on you change dramatically and you were able to easily remove your arms from her grip, pushing her away from you as you stood up.

She fell to the ground before getting to her feet, shaking herself off and stepping towards you again with a smirk on her face. You were still shocked you’d even managed to get Carol off of you, so when she stepped forward to swing at you, you flinched and waited for the punch to land. When Carol fell forward, you looked down to see that her arm had gone straight through you. You moved forward, through Carol, before turning around to look at her in shock.

She wore a proud smirk on her face and you found yourself completely speechless.

“Oh. My. God. That was amazing!” You heard Peter cheer as he came running up to you, engulfing you in a tight hug as he laughed. You returned the hug just as tightly, letting your relieved joy out as you laughed too. You looked at Carol over Peter’s shoulder and she eyed the two of you before shooting you a knowing smile.

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You and Peter began hanging out around the facility outside of training, Carol teasing you mercilessly over it. Every time she caught sight of the two of you, she would snicker to herself before usually sending some kind of remark your way. Her favourite was the classic ‘get a room!’, and you would roll your eyes every time you heard her say it, which just made her laugh harder.

Occasionally, Peter would ask you to train with him and he’d always talk about how you’d get to fight alongside each other with the rest of the Avengers soon. Carol walked in one day, overhearing him talking to you.

“Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, Peter. Yes, Y/N has learnt how to use some of her powers. But she isn’t anywhere near ready to use them in combat yet.” Peter brought himself back onto the ground from the spot on the wall he’d been climbing in his suit.

“Well, yeah, but with my powers I just jumped straight into using them and it helped me a lot, ya know? Like, I always went out and looked for bad guys to try and take down. So maybe that’s what Y/N needs to do, too.” Carol crossed her arms and you saw Peter physically take a step back from her, his eyes instantly widening.

“Okay, first of all, that was incredibly dangerous of you to do that.” Peter looked to you, then back to Carol, bringing a hand up to scratch the back of his head.

“And second, you’re not considering the kind of powers that Y/N has. We haven’t even seen the extent of what she can do. But what we do know is that her powers could really hurt people, especially if she hasn’t learnt to control them yet. And that’s just the powers that we know of.” Peter nodded at Carol.

“Right, of course Miss Danvers, ma’am. I think I get it now.” Peter stumbled over his own feet and Carol watched him, trying to suppress a smile. “I think I’ll be going now,” he continued as he walked over to you, leaning in towards you slightly before he glanced back at Carol, deciding against his actions and instead heading towards the door. “Um, yeah. Bye.” He quickly waved before disappearing out of the room.

Carol looked to you in amusement, shaking her head.

“Your boyfriend is something else,” she teased and you immediately felt your eyes roll.

“He’s not my boyfriend.. I don’t think.”

“Sure, sure,” Carol chuckled before giving you a more serious look. “Well. Whatever he is to you. I get that he’s excited about your powers, but it’s important that you take the time to master them before we use them anywhere else. You know that, right?”

“Don’t worry, Carol. I know how big a responsibility it is to have powers. I’m not gonna let Peter talk me into going on a rouge mission to find some bad guys.” Carol looked at you for a moment, nodding and letting a smirk appear on her face.

“Good. You ready to train?” You nodded and followed Carol’s lead, eager to learn how to better control your abilities.

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Carol would still help you deal with some of your most difficult nights, but Peter had also become someone you knew you could rely on. Your night terrors had slowly lessened and you wouldn’t wake up screaming in the middle of the night as much, but it definitely helped knowing you had two people who were there for you no matter what time.

If you were having a particularly bad night, you would tend to call on Carol a little more, as she was a little more patient than Peter and would give you the time you needed to deal with whatever was going through your head before asking if you wanted to talk.

Peter was great at helping you too, especially on the nights where you just needed someone to hold you, and he usually immediately calmed you down when he’d wrap his arms around you, kissing the top of your head and whispering supportive words in your ear.

It was late one night when Peter had come to your room for other reasons, and you walked Peter out to the hallway before he headed back to his own room. He smiled at you and leaned in, kissing you softly before you both heard the sound of someone clearing their throat a little further down the hallway.

Carol stood near her door looking at you and Peter with raised eyebrows. Before you could even say a word, Peter quickly panicked and made some excuse to go, leaving you and Carol standing in the hallway alone. She looked down the direction of the hallway Peter had rushed off to and looked back at you.

“Is everything okay? Did you have a night terror?” She asked, her concerned eyes on you.

“Oh. Um. No?” You sheepishly replied, watching the concern immediately leave Carol’s face. She let out a sigh.

“You know, you really shouldn’t have anyone in your room at this time of night.” You furrowed your brow slightly in confusion.

“You can’t say that when I saw Valkyrie heading to your room, like, two hours ago.” Carol was silent, momentarily lost for words.

“That’s different,” she finally settled on.

“What? How is that any different?” You scoffed at her.

“It just is,” she said. “You and Peter are both still so young.”

“Come on, Carol that’s not a valid excuse. We’re both old enough to consent.” Carol stepped closer to you, ready to say something else, but you spoke before she could. “No, I’m done with this conversation right now. Good night.” You walked back into your room, shutting and locking your door before shaking your head in anger.

The next day, you and Peter had decided to escape from the Avengers facility for a while. Peter had apologised profusely for Carol catching you last night but you had insisted that neither of you were at fault. You walked together down the streets of New York City, Peter pointing out some of his favourite places.

“This building right here,” he said, pointing to a tall building on the street corner. “I used to sit on this balcony all the time and look out for any danger. You know, so I could practise using my suit and my powers and stuff.” You nodded along before your ringing phone caught your attention.

“It’s Carol,” you said to Peter, rolling your eyes slightly before answering. “Hello?”

“Hey, Y/N. I went to your room to speak to you, but you’re not there. I, uh.” You heard Carol scoff at herself before she took a deep breath. “Listen, I’m not so good at the whole apologising thing, but I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for last night. It turns out it’s all fun and games telling you and Peter to get a room until you actually do.” You chuckled and let her continue, you and Peter coming to a stop.

“I guess I just feel a kind of responsibility for you, you know? And I know it’s weird but I think I just went straight into asshole parent mode before remembering that I’m not at all your parent.” Peter was watching you while you listened to Carol, offering a hopeful smile and a questioning thumbs up. You nodded at him and he let out a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, I get it.” You said to Carol. “It’s okay, your apology is accepted.” Peter smiled at you before his face changed to one of alert, looking at the raised hairs on his arms. He quickly pulled you down the nearest alleyway he could find and looked out onto the street as you heard a loud crashing sound.

“Thank you,” Carol said, the relief in her voice evident. “Hey, where are you by the way?” The sound of a car screeching and speeding down the street became louder as it got closer to you.

“Uhh, Carol. I’m sorry but I really have to go,” you said as a car sped passed you and Peter and you heard a gun fire from further down the street. You noticed a man from inside the car lean out the window holding a machine gun.

“Wait, what’s happeni-“ you heard Carol start before you hung up your phone.

“Woah!” Peter exclaimed as he quickly opened his backpack and attached his web shooter to his wrist, grabbing his Spider-Man suit and practically jumping into it in a matter of seconds. “Stay here,” he told you before flinging himself up into the air with his web towards a streetlight.

You watched as Peter shot a web towards the car, pulling the gun away from the man before any shots could be fired. The man yelled something to the driver of the car as it screeched to a stop. Peter began moving towards the other man on the street who had opened fire earlier.

You watched the man in the car as he flung the door open, marching to the trunk of the car and pulling out an even bigger weapon than the one he had before, this one looking like some kind of grenade launcher. You gulped as he turned it towards Peter.

“Peter!” You yelled, desperate to get his attention. He had his back turned and was preoccupied, and you knew he wouldn’t be able to hear you. You nervously faced the man holding the weapon, holding your hands up in his direction and squinting your eyes in focus.

Just as he pressed the trigger, you quickly tried to use your powers to increase the pressure of the air against the man, something you’d only just started practising with Carol, to throw him from his position. It worked and he was thrown backwards, but you looked on in horror as the weapon still fired. Your powers had thrown the blast off course, now heading up instead of straight towards Peter, but it was still headed straight for the building behind Peter.

Not knowing what to do, you braced yourself for the impact, before a sudden burst of light appeared and flew up towards the explosive, redirecting it and aiming it straight upwards, away from harm as it detonated. An explosion echoed through the air as the blast went off.

The burst of light that had appeared earlier came towards you, before it took on the shape of Carol in her Captain Marvel suit. She landed right in front of you, and Peter flew over with one of his webs.

“Woah! Captain Marvel, that was so awesome!” He yelled in disbelief.

“Are you kidding?” Carol practically spat out, glaring at Peter. He backed off from her, looking taken aback as she stomped towards you both. “This is awesome to you? You think this is how you be a hero? By going out and looking for trouble?” Peter remained quiet.

“Carol-“ You tried.

“No, don’t,” she interrupted. She quickly turned and shot a photon blast at the man from the car as he tried to get up and run. “Just let me finish this. I’ll see you back at the facility.” She blasted herself away from you and you and Peter looked at each other before leaving.

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You told Peter you’d deal with Carol alone. You knew he blamed himself for Carol’s anger, even though he’d actually tried to keep you out of danger.

You sat in your room waiting, and sure enough it didn’t take too long before Carol came storming in.

“What the hell were you thinking?” She started. “Did you see all the people there? Someone could have died, Y/N. Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Hey, don’t try to blame this on us. They already had those guns before we even got there.”

“That’s not the point.” Carol ran a frustrated hand through her hair. “You’re not ready and Peter is just pushing for you to use your powers before you even know how.”

“What is the point then, Carol?” You retorted back, standing up. “Seriously, what is the point in having these powers and seeing something  bad happen but choosing to do nothing? And Peter has done nothing wrong. He has been nothing but supportive.” Carol sighed and took a second to recollect herself.

“I get it, okay? I know the sense of justice. But today you used your powers when you hadn’t properly learnt how to yet, and it almost went so wrong. If Peter hadn’t been pushing you-“

“Carol, he didn’t push me to use my powers. He tried to protect me, okay? I chose to use my powers. It was my fault, not his.” Carol blinked at you.

“He didn’t tell you to use your powers?”

“No. Do you know how much he respects you? So much. He would never purposefully go against anything you tell him or me to do.” Carol remained quiet. “I made a mistake, okay. I knew I wasn’t ready but I panicked and I’m just lucky you got there when you did.” You felt tears sting at your eyes but managed to blink them back before they could roll down your cheeks. “I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do anything like that again until I’m ready."

Carol nodded and pulled you into a hug. “We’ll work on it, okay? You’ll get there soon.” You nodded against her shoulder and she pulled back to look at you. “So, Peter really respects me that much, huh?” You chuckled.

“He accidentally called you ‘Aunty Carol’ the other day.” Carol burst into laughter, throwing her head back.

“Oh my god.” She attempted to wipe tears from her eyes as she continued laughing. “I cannot wait to make fun of him for that.”

[rawrevive]

My Vipassana Meditation Experience

I recently embarked on a 100 hour journey within myself over 10 days in beautiful Onalaska, Washington. Vipassana meditation is one of India’s oldest meditation techniques taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills.

Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are. It is the process of self-purification through self-observation.

About the Course

Vipassana centers are located all the around world, are non-profit and run solely on donations. You can attend a course for free or give a donation at the end which will allow more students to attend.

If you attend a 10 day Vipassana meditation course, you are provided food and accommodation.  NOT a retreat but rather a very intense, soul searching, emotional, physically painful course which you have to work VERY hard at to reap the benefits.

Including check-in and check-out dates, you actually attend for 12 days to participate in 10 full days of noble silence. Noble silence means silence of body, speech and mind. I was actually excited about this part! I couldn’t wait to check in my phone and not have access to it for 10 days!

All who attend a Vipassana course must conscientiously undertake the following five precepts for the duration of the course. These were all pretty easy for me since I already don’t eat animal products, or take any intoxicants.

The 5 Precepts

to abstain from killing any being,

to abstain from stealing,

to abstain from all sexual activity,

to abstain from telling lies,

to abstain from all intoxicants.

See Code of Discipline for information.

Vipassana meditation aims at the highest spiritual goals of total liberation and full enlightenment. Its purpose is never simply to cure physical disease. However, as a by-product of mental purification, many psychosomatic diseases are eradicated. In fact, Vipassana eliminates the three causes of all unhappiness: craving, aversion and ignorance. With continued practice, the meditation releases the tensions developed in everyday life, opening the knots tied by the old habit of reacting in an unbalanced way to pleasant and unpleasant situations.

Course Timetable

The schedule looks daunting; 10 hours of meditation a day! The gong rings at 4:00 am every morning but you have the option to meditate in your room till 6:30 so you can just go back to sleep if you want.

You only sit for 1 hour at a time with breaks so it’s really not that bad. Also, you have lots of opportunity to meditate in your room which can be more comfortable. During rest breaks I loved to use the walking trails on the property and spend time in nature amongst the deer (this was my favorite part of the day besides lunch).

4:00 am Morning wake-up bell 4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room 6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break 8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall 9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to the teacher’s instructions 11:00-12:00 noon Lunch break 12 noon-1:00 pm Rest and interviews with the teacher 1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room 2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall 3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your own room according to the teacher’s instructions 5:00-6:00 pm Tea break 6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall 7:00-8:15 pm Teacher’s Discourse in the hall 8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall 9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall 9:30 pm Retire to your own room–Lights out

Food & Accommodation

I wish I could have taken pictures of the food, but as mentioned earlier you are not allowed access to any electronic devices during the course. The food was very impressive! Anyone who is plant-based and gluten-free will have no problem as 99% of the food was vegan and gluten-free.

You have one main meal a day served at 11:00 am and then tea and fruit at 5:00 pm. I found this particularly hard as I was SOOO hungry ALL the time! I had to start eating way more at lunch so I could get through the day. I was waking up at 2:00 am with extreme hunger pains that would keep me awake. My theory for this is that my body was going through so much physically and emotionally I was burning through food so fast.

Accommodation was way nicer than expected. There are rooms with 2 beds and a bathroom so you really have a lot of privacy. The bed was a thin piece of foam on wooden slats, not so comfortable but you get used to it. There is lots of room for storage, a lamp and alarm clock (although you did not need the alarm clock as they rung the bell for every new item on the agenda).

Men and women are completely separated throughout the course (for distraction purposes). You will only see men during meditation in the hall but even then you have separate entrances and sit on opposite sides of the room.

Washroom in the residence

My bed/room

In this way the technique of self-observation shows us reality in its two aspects, inner and outer. Previously we only looked outward, missing the inner truth. We always looked outside for the cause of our unhappiness; we always blamed and tried to change the reality outside. Being ignorant of the inner reality, we never understood that the cause of suffering lies within, in our own blind reactions toward pleasant and unpleasant sensations.

My Experience

What led me to Vipassana

Okay, let’s get to the nitty gritty! First of all, I want to explain why I attended this course. I heard about Vipassana from a few people over the years and how it was life changing but the hardest thing they have ever done. 2018 was a really good year but it was also one of the hardest personally and emotionally.

I moved from Alberta back to BC which was one of the hardest moves of my life, went through a separation and started a new relationship. All while I was trying to start a business and create an income for myself.

These life events combined threw me through a loop and along with current traumas brought up a lot of past ones as well. They say intimate relationships bring out childhood traumas which I experienced first hand and now understand what that means. I realized I still had a lot of inner work to do and had not “dealt” with my past. Actually, I had blocked most of it out.

I knew I had to do something; it was either Ayahuasca or Vipassana! And I’m SO HAPPY I did NOT choose Ayahuasca. I registered for the waiting list at a Vipassana course in Onalaska, Washington and was accepted 2 weeks before. Everything happens just at the right moment and this could not have been more perfect timing.

Everyone seeks peace and harmony, because this is what we lack in our lives. From time to time we all experience agitation, irritation, dishar­mony. And when we suffer from these miseries, we don’t keep them to ourselves; we often distribute them to others as well. Unhappiness permeates the atmosphere around someone who is miserable, and those who come in contact with such a person also become affected. Certainly this is not a skillful way to live.

My First Impression

The center was only a 4.5 hour drive from Vancouver, BC. Check in is 3:00 pm to 6:00 pm the first day; upon arrival everything was really well organized and check-in super smooth. I filled out a few forms, checked in my phone, keys and wallet (they are all locked up in a safe), and was given directions to my residence. There are carts you can use to transport luggage as it is a bit of a walk to the residence. I loaded up the cart and headed to my room.

I was so excited about how much nature surrounded the center; endless greenery and lots of tame deer. It was so quiet, peaceful and smelt heavenly. My room was situated at the back of the residence facing nothing but nature! I walked in and was pleasantly surprised with how clean and warm it was. It reminded me of summer camp.

I unpacked and headed to the hall to eat a light meal and attend orientation. After orientation we headed to the hall for our first meditation session. I had no idea what to expect! I had never meditated in my life before this (I know, and start with 100 hours in 10 days, what was I thinking?)! We all had assigned seats which would remain the same throughout the course (so the teachers and course manager could keep track of us). During this first session I realized how serious this was and everyone attending was not here to screw around!

View from my front door

The First Few Days

Although, my emotions were all over the place, the first few days was kind of fun! I was happy, sad, confused, angry, happy, sad… and even started shedding a few tears on the second day.

I like structure so the schedule suited me well. All I had to worry about was meditating, eating, meditating eating again, walking in nature, meditating some more, drinking tea, more meditation and sleep. My favorite part of the day was lunch and afternoon walks, how hard could this be?

In order to be relieved of our misery, we have to know the basic reason for it, the cause of the suffering. If we investigate the problem, it becomes clear that whenever we start generating any negativity or impurity in the mind, we are bound to become unhappy. A negativity in the mind, a mental defilement or impurity, cannot coexist with peace and harmony.

Days Four to Seven

Day four we started learning the Vipassana technique of observing sensations in our body and this is when the real work starts. During this process the mind starts opening up which led me to have terrible nightmares (which lasted throughout the entire course), so sleep was non-existent.

I really started working hard to get as much out of as I could. After all, you take 12 days out of your life to practice Vipassana! I started taking it more seriously and really focused on the technique.

Vipassana focuses on mind and body connection; if you have emotional pain or trauma buried, it will surface in physical pain. And oh my, did it ever! By day 5 I was in SO much physical pain I wanted to throw up! Because of this, I was taking advantage of meditating in my room as much as I could. I was also very emotional and crying every day during sessions and on my walks.

Being in noble silence was particularly hard for me, I had no one to turn to for support except myself (I guess that’s the whole point, right?). Thankfully you are able to speak with the teachers when you have questions or concerns which I did a lot because well, I was a DISASTER! The teachers reassured me this was good because it meant the technique was working. All my pain was coming out at once and with a vengeance.

Every day after day four, physical and emotional pain, sleepless nights and nightmares just kept getting worse. I had to request a chair to sit during group meditations because any posture was just too painful. Even the chair was almost unbearable.

Day 8

I remember this day very well because I wanted to quit. I am not a quitter, once I start something I see it through till the end, so this was very unusual for me. All I wanted desperately was a bath and sleep in my own bed! I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it until day 10 but again I spoke with the teachers and they reassured me it will get better.

A good solution; it avoids both extremes—suppression and expression. Burying the negativity in the unconscious will not eradicate it, and allowing it to manifest as unwholesome physical or vocal actions will only create more problems. But if you just observe, then the defilement passes away and you are free of it.

Days Nine and Ten

Throughout the course, you are told over and over again the importance of staying until the end because you are doing surgery on your emotional wounds and day 10 will learn another technique to seal those wounds.

By the afternoon of day 9 I started to feel a lot better, and positive. I was in a totally different place, my surroundings looked different and felt more at peace. Day 8, I told myself “I would never do this again” and by Day 9 I couldn’t wait to come back. Funny how that happens!

Day 10 you are allowed to break noble silence at 11:00 am (so you can get integrated back into the real world). I thought I would be so excited for this but was actually very overwhelming. Lunch time was really loud with chatter and high energy, I had to go to my room to be alone. The rest of the day was pretty slack with just a couple of meditation sessions to learn the last technique.

Summary

After sharing our experiences with a few women, I realized my experience was quite intense. So please don’t let my experience scare you. Although it sounded like I had a really hard time, I accepted it because healing is hard work. You have to be really ready and willing to completely surrender.

People attend this course for different reasons during different emotional states in their lives. I decided to attend at a time in my life I felt I needed a big self transformation and self-improvement.

Someone said to me “Vipassana will be the best and worst time of your life”. This is 100% true! For me, anyway. This course was one of the hardest things I have ever done but the best thing I could have done for myself.

I was able to make life altering decisions so easily because everything became so clear. Without distractions of the outside world, self-reflection and observation, I was able to connect with myself deeper than I ever have.

Physical and emotional pain was released which led me to forgive, love unconditionally and see things as they really are.

I learned tools to change my reaction towards craving and aversion.

The work does not stop here, Vipassana is an ongoing technique and should be practiced everyday to reap the benefits.

Once you have completed the course you have access to resources and materials to assist with ongoing practice. You can download a useful app called Dhama.org Mobile App and listen to group meditation sittings, discourses and much more.

Observing reality as it is by observing the truth inside—this is knowing oneself directly and experientially. As one practices, one keeps freeing oneself from the misery of mental impurities. From the gross, external, apparent truth, one penetrates to the ultimate truth of mind and matter. Then one transcends that, and experiences a truth which is beyond mind and matter, beyond time and space, beyond the conditioned field of relativity: the truth of total liberation from all defilements, all impurities, all suffering. Whatever name one gives this ultimate truth is irrelevant; it is the final goal of everyone.

Interested in Attending? Here are Some Suggestions

Only attend a 10 day Vipassana course if you are ready and willing to completely surrender.

The center I attended in Washington was really well run, organized and the course managers do everything to make sure you are comfortable. (after all, they want you to stay)

Go without any expectation; everyone will have a different experience.

Talk to the teachers as much as you can so you fully understand the technique to ensure you are practicing it correctly.

Don’t bother bringing meditation supplies, the center has tons.

Bring a sleeping bag. I brought bedding but found it uncomfortable.

Bring a large refillable water bottle and snacks for emergencies.

You are not allowed to wear any tight clothing so bring lots of comfortable, baggy, warm clothing for 10 days (there are no laundry facilities.)

Upon returning home, eas yourself back into your life. I lost my voice the first day back home. If you can, take a day of rest and limit yourself to electronics, T.V., phone etc.

Go back! I would like to attend once a year.

I came home with confidence, less pain and misery and increased positivity. I would highly recommend this course to anyone.

*Quotes are from a talk by Mr. S.N. Goenka on the Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation*

Vipassana Meditation Experience My Vipassana Meditation Experience I recently embarked on a 100 hour journey within myself over 10 days in beautiful Onalaska, Washington.

[duetlyreads]

Rant

Its late and I’m tired and stressed from upcoming finals and irritated at myself for other reasons and I just want to get this out even if I’m not a very active (in terms of talking to other bloggers) member of my fandoms because this has been bothering me since like December and I've had enough. 

Seeing all of these wonderfully talented authors and fellow fans delete their blogs or contemplating deleting their blogs makes me very sad, but at the same time, I know that in most they are doing what they believe is best for themselves. I know that there are different reasons why different authors have chosen to delete, but I have noticed a disturbing trend of anon hate and increasing writing demands being a culprit of these losses. And I have some Things to say about that. Especially when it causes writers to feel like something they used to love doing is now a burden (this just breaks my heart)

It makes me both furious and sad to see that there are people who think it is ok to send hateful messages to someone, for whatever reason. To those anons, I am sorry that you have nothing better to do with your time than to try to bring a fellow human being down. I honestly don’t know what goes through your head when you hit that send button with that message filled with negative thoughts, but I am sorry that you lack the ability to express your feelings in a functional and healthy way, or even to be kind at all. Empathy is a tried and true method, and if you could put yourself out of your own selfish bubble long enough to see how you would feel if someone sent such a message to you, well, I hope that you would make a different choice. Whether you truly and wholeheartedly mean what you saw or not, whether or not you think you are in the right, hate is never the answer.

The sheer selfishness that some people exhibit when it comes to communicating with their so-called “favorite authors” is disgusting. If they really are your favorite author then you should have the decency to show some respect and understanding about how difficult it is to have a life and a current writing blog. Authors are not machines. They have setbacks, they have limits, and they have free choice of writing whatever the fuck they want. It’s their blog, and their choice, not yours. They do not exist to serve your every whim. If an author hasn’t updated a series in a while, what you SHOULD do is politely ask them ONCE (1 TIME) if they have a plan on when hey might be working on it again, and whatever answer they give you, accept it as canon. What you SHOULDN’T do is throw a tantrum like a toddler because your aren’t getting what you want or insult the author because they, a fellow human being with other things to do with their time, are not writing fast enough to your standards. How about you try writing a 20 part multific that's around 2K words each and update it regularly while being a full-time student/parent/worker, all the while either going through severe writer’s block or inspiration for writing a different piece altogether. Authors and bloggers alike are not perfect, nor do they claim to be. Cut them some slack and back. Off.

To the authors that have deleted their blogs for these other personal reasons, I first want to say that even though I may not know the details surround your circumstances, I understand the need to put yourself before others in order to be at peace. So in that, I say: “Four for you, Glen Coco.” Huge and amazing props to you for putting your mental/emotional/physical wellbeing over the wants and desires of others. I know that for many of you, it was most likely a very tough decision and a very painful time, but if it ultimately led you to feel peace or more at one with yourself, I applaud you for that. Even if you just transferred to another blog, that is still a great thing considering what may have been going on at the time. Things weren’t going so well, but you decided to start afresh! Go you! Secondly, I want to thank you. Not just for sharing your amazing talent with us, but for sharing YOU with us. You, who brought smiles to so many faces. You, who may have made us squeal inhumanly loud at the fluff, or cry uncontrollably at the angst, or have to take multiple cold showers after reading the smut. Thank you. You didn’t have to, but you did, and that made all the difference. Thank. You. And even if you are no longer writing on here or other places on the internet, I hope that you continue to develop your wonderful talent and share it with kindred spirits. Bless.

If you are contemplating deleting your blog for any of the above reasons or other personal ones, please know that whatever you chose, if it makes you happy in the end, I support your decision. Life is full of constant struggles and we never know if the choices we make are the right ones until after we make them, sometimes long after the fact. I can be a pessimist at times, but I like to think of life as a roller coaster. When you’re feeling down and miserable, I believe that at some point, things will start to look up. Your choices can either speed up or slow down that inevitable incline, but sooner or later, it will happen. Whatever you choose, try to make sure that it will make YOU happy in the long run. I believe in you. And if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open, along with my bag of doggo pics to try and brighten your day.

Tagging some bloggers and writers I know may find this relevant bc you guys deserve to know that you are loved and appreciated. Feel free to tag anyone else. 

@mattmoredick @bucky-plums-barnes (special message for you in tags) @sexylibrarian1 @timeforsmut  

(Note: It is 1 am and i honestly cannot rack my brain enough to come up with the other multitude of bloggers i know have been through this so im going to also tag authors who have been around for a while and have seen some things. Sorry if this is awkward! @persephone-is-here-omg @after-avenging-hours @angryschnauzer @buckyywiththegoodhair @lenavonschweetz @captainrogerss)

Tagging for Reasons:

@drearncatcher37 @runmild

[getlostinmyth0ughts]

My silence shouldn’t be mistaken for ease or lack of care. The past 2 1/2 months have been the hardest of my life. For the first time ever I haven’t acted out of selfishness. Not once did I send the “I miss you,” “I love you,” or the “please just hold me.” I have screamed, cried, prayed, typed countless messages into my phone notes. I have leaned into those surrounding me, giving me a shoulder to cry on (literally) and stayed busy almost every hour of every day. My poor work has seen so many mental break downs, refusing to take down the picture on my desk until today bc my boss forced me to. My poor daughter has watched me cry myself to sleep. My poor friends have had to just let me lay on their beds in silence as the sadness swallows me whole. I have been patient and placed my trust in God. I have done the absolute best I can with trusting it will all work out how it’s supposed to. All the times I’ve told myself that time will tell has been worth it. To just focus on becoming the best me I can. My eyes have been opened and although it hurts beyond words I have comfort in knowing we each deserve so much more. It was almost a waiting game. Waiting to hear something that would force me to come to a realization that it never would have been. That people don’t change. That people don’t care what the little eyes and hearts of their own children will see and feel when they’re in pain. That all my feelings were valid. That I have been right from the beginning of it all. I think it just hurts that it’s so easy to treat everyone else so much better. How would I have ever spent the rest of my life with someone like that? How could I expect him to spend the rest of life with me when the connection and spark were lost. It’s easier to hold on, easier to be selfish, easier to keep the family together. But it wasn’t right. And taking that step and owning it is the hardest fucking thing. I never pictured having to explain to my daughter why her mommy and daddy won’t have a house together. Or why they don’t sleep in the same bed. I give myself permission to begin opening my heart to others outside of platonic relationships. Permission to let go of the guilt and second guessing. I pray to keep an open mind and not allow my pain to cover all the good and growth that has and will come. I will not allow jealousy or pain to open a door of hate in my heart. I deserve the world, a little family to build a home and feel like home with, more babies, to be a wife to someone who adores me and who I can love and be loved by at a full capacity. With out so much hurt, pain, envy, whatever else there was. Here’s to letting go and … finally listening to my therapist🥂 Wishing the best for the one that I used to love, I pray he finds whatever it is that fulfills him … his life, his dreams, and brings ultimate happiness. We both are deserving of a pure, honest, and unselfish love. I hope I never lose sight of that and continuously pray over him. I pray for a healthy co-parenting relationship and even friendship when the timing is better. I don’t want awkward or uncomfortableness, that’s miserable. I’m sorry for things I’ve said, done or acted on out of hurt. I’ve done stupid things out of pain and I don’t want to ever again. That’s not who I am. I am love and light.

[koganeirou]

Welp I finished Psychedelica of the Ashen Hawk and my biggest comment is that this game has more plot holes than swiss cheese.

*insert more shifty eye uncomfortable emojis* 

What was...... that convoluted mess of a game I just played? Like this is reaching Zero Escape level of plot holes and “wow the writer clearly has no idea what the hell they are doing”. I don’t even know where I’m gonna start breaking down the amount of issues. Lots of spoilers beneath.

My favourite order is prob Levi > Elric > Lugus > Hugh > Eiar > Aria > Tee > Lord > Olgar > Lawrence >>>> Lavan >>>>>>>>>> Francisca

For starters, this felt like less of an otome game and more of a gang bang 5p fuck pile orgy. Seriously. One moment, Eiar is making out with Lavan, the next moment, Eiar is dreaming of sleeping with Lugus and wakes up panicking because “oh no! I think I’m in love with Lugus!”. If the romance is “the heroine being passed among all the guys”, I’d rather there be no romance at all. It felt more like a fucking badly written reverse harem anime than an otome. I had this problem with PBB but boy it was not this level of bad. 

None of the characters really develop, none of the relationships really develop. Let’s not even get started on the fact that 2/4 of your love interests are your adopted brothers who are actually your blood cousins. At first I enjoyed Lugus’s enchantment with Eiar but it doesn’t develop beyond that. Why is Lugus even in love with Eiar? His feelings never felt like anything beyond captivation, and the same applied for Eiar. Why is Lavan in love with Eiar? Because he’s some gross nii-chan lusty pervert who’s in love with his adopted sister??? IDK. 

The only one who genuinely felt like he loved Eiar was Levi, and even Levi’s character was butchered with the whole “yeah I’m a serial killer who enjoys inflicting pain onto other people”. Even if you blame it on the ~magical stone~, the revelation was like a slap in the face and it was so disconnected w everything we knew of Levi. The writers clearly didn’t know if they wanted to write him as a character who’s sadistic and ruthless, or if they wanted to write him as a character who was manipulated by his mother into becoming her assassin through abuse + gaslighting. The writers aimed for both, and failed miserably at both. 

Speaking of Francisca, the fact that Francisca is an evil bitch is literally NEVER brought up lol???? Like when Levi admits that Francisca was using him as an assassin, Eiar and Lavan are shocked but.......... that’s it. Especially in Levi’s ending, the fact that there’s never a hint of acknowledgement that Francisca was abusing him is jarring to say the least. There’s never any real discussion of how Eiar and the Wolf brothers feel about Francisca after they find out what she did to Aria and Olgar. Like wow we just found out our mom is a piece of shit, let us NEVER DISCUSS THIS or have ANY heart to heart talk about this EVER. Because that will give our characters perfect closure! The fact that Eiar never returns to her real name, the name given to her by her mother, also kind of bothers me.

Francisca’s character was honestly butchered along with Levi after everything she did to Aria was revealed. "That evil slut is taking away all the men in my life!” is not a good enough motive to burn a completely innocent woman to death, sorry. Her love for her sons felt shallow and her love for Eiar felt like she was just trying to show up Aria. I can’t find any redeemable thing about her and her character just ended up being at to the bottom of the barrel along with Rika and Mejojo. The only emotion I got out of the whole dumpster fire between the parents was “wow Aria deserved so much fucking better”.

Now lets get started with all the fucking plot holes this game has. 

For starters, if the whole town is actually Psychedelica and everyone lost their memories, it makes no sense for Francisca to be the only one who remembers killing Aria, and there’s never any indication to confirm whether or not Francisca is actually aware the fact that everyone is in Psychedelica.

Speaking of Aria, that scene where Aria is shown to be slumbering in the abyss and stops the kids from completing the Kaleido Via makes no sense either. For starters, why is Aria even in the abyss? She died in the real world, so her soul should have moved onto the afterlife, or she should have been trapped in the Psychedelica town too. Actually, the fact that she isn’t trapped makes no sense. Olgar activated the Kaleido Via with a desire to see Aria again (similar to Hikage with Usagi), so it makes no sense for Aria’s soul to not be drawn to the town if the town was created through Aprus and Olgar’s collective desires.

I don’t really understand why tf Aria would want to stop the kids from completing the Kaleido Via when that’s literally the only method to free the souls of the town so they continue into the afterlife? It’d make sense for Aria to stop them if their souls would go into the abyss, but again, it’s explicitly stated that your soul will only end up in the abyss if you die in Psychedelica. And again, the fact that Aria is supposedly in the abyss makes no sense in the first place. The scene with the kids and the kaleido via was so out of place it was ridiculous. How do you not remember a scene where a shard flew into your friend’s eye and caused her to bleed everywhere?

Moving on, it’s literally never explained what the hell is up with Eiar’s red eye. It can be assumed that Eiar inherited it from Aria who really was a witch, but then that doesn’t explain why only one of Eiar’s eyes glow red and not both. 

MOVING ON, who the fuck is Hugh and literally what is his damn role in the story. Like I looove character types like him bc and I’m a huge sucker for “mysterious observer characters who act as the story’s narrator” not to mention he’s beautiful but Hugh’s origins and role remains wishy washy from start to end and his character ends up being a plot device to give 30 minute info dumps on the plot. Like, he’s the dumb dead bird that lived with Ashen Witch (whom I assume is Aria’s mother), and after he’s killed by Aprus, Ashen Witch... releases his... soul? So he becomes... a mindless traveler traveling between the different Psychedelica worlds...? I guess??? It’s implied that Hugh is the one who gave Hikage the kaleidoscope but again, how or why he did so is never explained either. I also dunno wtf is up with his ending where Eiar just magically turns into a butterfly and whooshes away with Hugh.

I still have no idea what was with that scene where he chats with Aria about the stories in the Links ending, and I definitely don’t know what was with that scene where Aria talks with Eiar and decides to name her non born child off of her (who is the same Eiar). Like what?? are dreams and timelines converging or something??? No clue.

Also. What the fuck is the deal with Lawrence and Elric??? THAT’S NEVER EXPLAINED? Like yes, I know that much that they’re Kagiha and Hikage respectively but literally wtf is Kagiha and Hikage doing in Aprus/Olgar’s Psychedelica. Lawrence clearly retains his memories as Kagiha, but Hikage never does and it’s like ??? why?? Also why is Usagi in a form of a rabbit in this world? WHO KNOWS. I was just so tired of this game that by the time I was half way done all the endings I just wanted it to be over already.

No joke, I seriously thought that PAA took place in the real world where Hikage was born and raised because of the medieval/historical setting and we’d learn more about the lore of the manor and the kaleidoscope. Honestly though, I wish it was because it prob would have made this game a million times better. If the game was split between a “wolves” and “hawks” path like BWS, it probably would have fixed some of the problems with the terrible romance.

The one good thing I will say about this game is that it’s the first otome game localization from Aksys I’ve played that didn’t give me a migraine because of no proof readers. There were some issues with wrong tenses being used but other than that it wasn't littered with typos like literally EVERY OTHER otome they’ve localized so far lmao.

Presentation wise, this game is beautiful. The sprite work is beautiful and the cgs are amazing. I loved the character designs for all the guys like A++ pretty boys. Unfortunately, the OST really lacked in comparison to PBB this time around. This game had so much potential but everything just fell apart the further and further you go and that’s what makes it even more disappointing. It’s setting and premise were a million times more interesting than PBB. Like medieval setting? Check. Feud between two clans with the heroine caught in between? Check. It had everything I loved and I was confident I was going to love it but the execution was just so terribad that I don’t love it. I can’t love it. I do love all the characters sans Lavan and Francisca though and I think they all deserved better. They deserved better writing. They deserved better development. I wish I could just rework this entire game from the ground up because that’s how frustrated I am with it lmao.

TLDR; I am very very disappointed with this game and it’s such a shame because I loved Black Butterfly to bits and pieces but this game ended up being a convoluted mess of bad and inconsistent writing. PBB had a rather weak premise with an uninteresting and incredibly cliche “all childhood friends in love w the heroine and there’s ~tragedy~!”. However, it had a very interesting and well written lore and universe while simultaneously being clean and easy to understand so it didn’t make any unnecessary loop holes for itself. PAA was the complete opposite. I enjoyed the connections this game made to the first game, but that was pretty much it. 

anyway wow that was long, this is the first time I’ve played a game where all I can do is go on a tangent about all the problems I’ve had with it. Hopefully other people enjoyed this game more than I did HAHA.

[03-23-2018]

Please if I ever try to be with my ex again please remind me.

Reasons not to get back together with him:

Reasons I left my ex:

#1 He hit our daughter in the face, left a bruise on her cheek and there's court documents and proof...

(dont be stupid, this should be enough to remind you, Destiny)

#2 Yelled at our son and got mad at him, even though hes only a baby (2-4months old) would set him down really hard and tell him to shut up. Especially when playing video games.

#3 Smoked for hours outside

#4 Smoking was more important than feeding our children

#5 Smoking was more important than changing our kid's diapers

#6 Video games, the phone and friends were more important than paying attention to myself and the kids

#7 He had really stinky feet and crusty socks

#8 He was never taught to do laundry until he met me

#9 He's really messy and leaves stuff everywhere

#10 Lets dishes mold, never rinsed them

#11 Would make me/rarely ever take care of the kids even though I was sick, ill, tired or just came out of the hospital and refused to help because of selfish reasons

#12 Never contributed financially without throwing a fit or asking his parents to cover it for him

#13 Let the cats suffer with nasty litterboxes, let them poop everywhere, never bought them toys, food, etc.

#14 Yelled at me, made mean faces at me, would pound on the door when I needed space

#15 Would bully our child all day and wouldn't stop until I joined in so he could blame me for it or would direct his anger at me for comforting her

#16 Left his hair everywhere in the shower

#17 Never helped lift, carry or move heavy things unless he felt like it, I had to do it most of the time

#18 Went through classes to help with his behavior for a year then later used that knowledge against me to say I was abusive

#19 Wasn't that affectionate overtime, he became distant, moody, agitated

#20 Treated his parents like shit, told them to fuck off and go away when they would try to help him

#21 Eventually I became the new target when his parents weren't around for him to explode on then eventually the kids when I fought back

#22 Would never buy things we needed, often would spend his money on himself for weed, cigs, guitar stuff, etc.

#23 Snores really loud

#24 Wouldn't give me space when I needed it, would refuse to sleep on the couch

#25 Cheated on me while I was pregnant on Halloween which was my favorite Holiday and an ex cheated on me on Halloween and he knew that so he cheated on me the EXACT SAME WAY my ex did, in a car and slept with a newly 18 year old girl at my brothers house

(as well as that Halloween was the best one our daughter had and he ruined it)

#26 Blamed me for the cheating

#27 Hed blame me for a lot of things

#28 7 out of 10 and 181 out of 200 on the MOSAIC test

#29 Never tried to get a vehicle until we separated

#30 Wouldn't respect my feelings, boundaries and continue bringing people into his life that he knew I was uncomfortable with

#31 Threatened to kill my ex boyfriend the first time I moved on from him, never was able to rekindle even a friendship with my ex over that bc he started dating his ex again.

#32 Threatened to drag my ex's dog from the back of a motorcycle bc he claimed he knew the "hells angels"...

#33 Got mad at me if I used the last of our money on OUR kids if he ran out of weed or cigarettes

#34 Had a problem with all of my friends, regardless of gender, but especially if they were overweight, ugly or really close to me.

#35 Often told me I should have had plenty of attractive female friends and was mad that I didn't

#36 Convinced me every guy I talked to was out to harm me, have sex with me or rape and/kill me and to get away from them asap.

#37 Almost left me, pregnant, with our daughter on the streets in Reno so he could go back home to Gridley bc he had work the next day. He didn't care about our safety, he cared more about his job. He yelled at me for about 2-3 hours in the parking lot for refusing to get in the car with his abusive friend's girlfriend (in reno) until some man intervened and took us to get food. He then left me and our daughter stranded for about an hour or two to get our luggage and I had to beg someone to give us enough money to get a hotel and then when my brother showed up to get us he had me leave with his parents bc he had them come get us thus resulting in my bro and his gf probably being a little irritated about everything.

#38 the second time I left him and moved on with a boyfriend he quit his job (the same one he would've abandoned us in reno for) so that way he could stay at home with us

#39 my water broke early and he'd visit me in the hospital very rarely and barely tried, sometimes he'd cause fights in the hospital

#40 yelled at me while our son was in the NICU and rarely wanted to go take care of him when we went to see him

#41 weed, cigs and drinking are very important to his identity and he would judge someone if they didn't partake

#42 Used the "Hells Angels" club to intimidate me or people I knew/loved/cared about over a lot of things

#43 I was the main person who paid for everything, did everything, sent him to walk with my money to get things we needed sometimes having to plead and beg him to do it and it still was never good enough. I never did enough for him or anybody

#44 Would call me psycho a lot or crazy and threaten to do something about it when I'd stand up for myself

#45 Kept his abusive father around even though he almost was killed by him Christmas of 2016

#46 Our kids were told to shut up or stop crying, our first kid by his father when we lived with him then later our son was treated the same by Jesus

#47 Kept anything around that would bother me, did things that'd bother me, constantly would push buttons to keep me miserable even when I opened up and told him it made me miserable he continued doing it

#48 Blamed everything and everyone for his own actions

#49 Would tell me he loved me, but would rarely ever show it

#50 Hated my parents and would talk shit about them any chance he'd get as well as other family members

#51 He'd purposely ignore me when I'd talk and wouldn't reply to me even if he heard me

#52 he’d get mad at the sound of me eating, chewing or any small things that were normal. I noticed he started making me food less and less.

#53 would yell at me if I changed my mind about having sex

#54 Was a VERY ANGRY drunk and did try to hit me or be abusive while drunk

#55 would yell and/or intimidate the kids and me for hours, sometimes we had to lock ourselves in the bedroom, I have recordings of him screaming for hours and banging on the door not allowing us to sleep...

#56 would lie about things to “save face” or keep his reputation clean, especially his DV charges with me + our kid(s) (even though its in court documents and on file)

#57 thought things I learned in my psych class were bullshit and argued with my education

#58 lack of contact for days, weeks, months on end about the children, says one thing does another, doesn’t want to co-parent or get along for the children’s sake, doesn’t want to meet my significant other or meet people the children will be around, which is ridiculous bc I think the children deserve better than that

#59 hated my self expressive part of myself, hated that I was polyamorous, didn’t accept things about me like my openmindedness about lgbt/trans/ things I was passionate about, very close minded and judgemental and held me back from being able to fully be myself

#60 refused to leave my side when we’d break up, would threaten to take the kids to another country, would intimidate or stay in the household or prevent me from being able to move on. No intentions of letting me live my life without him so I had to flee and separate us both from our children to forcibly get him out of the picture.

#61 still had to “save face” myself to slowly break the relationship to move forward

#62 he believed staying together was better for the children, even in a miserable, toxic and extremely unhealthy environment that he made minimal efforts to change

#63 screamed and yelled and made me feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time

#64 would hold our daughter down or use very sexist, overpowering punishments. would use scare tactics or anger towards her.

#65 Never took responsibility for his errors, it was hard to get him to admit his faults. had to use the “dont know what you got until its gone tactic” and walk away or cut off communication, if even possible

#66 his parents called me by his exes name for almost the first year of our relationship

#67 said I was supposed to cook, clean and give him kids and do very old-fashioned things for him

#68 would make me think there were evil entities and scare me to stay awake all night with him

#69 he’d interrupt me a lot and would barely let me feel, would barely allow me to cry without yelling at me or making the argument about him, even if it was originally about my feelings about something that hurt me

#70 I was barely ever able to have a voice and couldn’t go out and do things for fear of upsetting him if it was with someone he didnt like/ didnt approve of.

#71 criticized my music taste, made me feel bad about liking certain artists

This list is not a direct representation of the entire relationship. It is only a small percentage of the toxic, unhealthiness that I endured. This is a personal journal entry I have chosen to share, this was my reality. I am hoping that people will use this knowledge to recognize when they might need help, to reach out, to look into resources, recognizing abuse, unhealthy behaviors, and basically to utilize it as a tool, not an instrument to bully or harass anyone, including myself and/or person(s) unnamed. 

I also understand these are my personal experiences and reasonings, not everyone’s situations are the same as mine. Please dont take offense to anything, it’s not directed at you. This list is the MAIN thing that helped me move forward and leave an unhealthy lifestyle, without it myself and my kids would have continued to suffer and possibly endure and escalation of abuse. I got away and decided not to take that chance or have it be a possibility. Thank you for reading this.

http://www.thehotline.org/

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Users of web browser Microsoft Edge will be redirected to Google when clicking the “X” or “Escape” button.

More to be added soon as I think of them

(I will be rereading this a lot to myself when I feel weak and I'm posting it to share with others so you all are aware and hopefully can and will help keep me focused on moving forward away from him)