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snapplecap · 7 years ago

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The Time I Accidentally Consumed Espresso

Let me begin this story by stating what is apparently one of the most blasphemous statements known to the English language: I don’t drink coffee.

You read that right. I don’t drink coffee, I don’t know how to make coffee, I don’t drink or understand the differences among a frappuccino, latte, cappuccino, grande, venti, large, or whatever strange sizing system coffee enthusiasts seem to use for this weird energy drink. I know three things for certain about coffee: 1) There’s a disgustingly pink colored unicorn drink out there in the world that the internet is absolutely melting down over 2) My friends who drink coffee depend on it possibly more than my brother used to depend on his cigarettes 3) Espresso is something like the drinkable version of a defibrillator.

With that in mind, I’m taking you on an adventure down memory lane roughly four years ago. I’m home from school on winter break, doing odd jobs for spare cash, playing with my beloved dog, and other typical winter break activities. My childhood friend Sarah contacts me and asks me to watch her family’s dog while they’re on vacation. Of course I say yes, and agree to meet with the family to receive proper puppy playtime and care instructions.

During said instruction time, I am informed to “help myself” to the multitude of cookies made by Sarah’s boyfriend Mike that have been beautifully piled into tupperware bins lining the edge of the crescent shaped kitchen bar.

Okay, if you insist, twist my arm.

People, when I tell you Mike bakes cookies, I don’t mean he baked a couple batches. This guy is a HARDCORE baker. And I, being the equally hardcore food junkie that I am, was more than happy to oblige to this suggestion to “help myself” to the cookies.

Fast forward to day one of puppy watch. I take the dog for a walk, feed her, throw the ball, etc etc, all the standard dog activities. Then the fun begins. I strolled into that kitchen like Justin Bieber rolling up to his favorite LA club, ready to make horrible, horrible decisions. I was a king among my adoring people, a movie star with pen in hand for autographs for thousands of admirers. I don’t know what the energy felt like at the ‘93 Super Bowl seconds before MJ began his epic performance, but I can only imagine it was a little like how walking into this cookie-filled wonderland felt.

I make my way through snickerdoodles, peanut butter, ginger bread, and traditional sugar cookies properly outfitted with an array of sprinkles touching every corner of the color spectrum. I just take a small bit of each because I am an adult with self control.

Then I reach the final tupperware bin containing the cookie I have long been waiting for: the chocolate chip. This is where the magic happens. This is the ultimate conquest. This is the grand finale, all I have been waiting and hoping for, neatly piled and stacked into this light blue reusable plastic container, sitting so quietly in the corner of this kitchen, waiting to rock my world. There is no substance on this planet as sublime as chocolate, and I know a baker as skilled as Mike is going to make this already-flawless and timeless cookie simply ethereal.

The scent of velvety chocolate and sugar waft into the air as I snap open the top, the cookies are impossibly delicate in my hand, seeming too perfect for this world. I sink my teeth into their crispy exterior, slowing as I hit the spongy center. How Mike has managed to create such an impeccable cookie is beyond me. But about two bites into this particular cookie, I pause. Something is different, but I cannot put my finger on it. It still tastes good, but there’s something...I just can’t name. Is it cinnamon? Did he use extra vanilla? I simply cannot name this odd flavor I’m tasting. While I am a far cry from being Bobby Flay, I like to consider myself fairly competent in the kitchen, so this quandary has me rather frustrated. So, after tasting a flavor I don’t recognize, I proceed with the only logical answer I can think of: keep eating cookies until I can name this mystery flavor.

About five cookies later, I give up. I have no idea what I’m eating, and while I regret nothing about eating this many cookies, as I mentioned before, I am an adult. I have self control. I must stop.

I pat the dog one last time and head home.

With nothing on my schedule for the rest of the day, I settle down on the couch with my own pup for a movie. About twenty minutes into the movie, I realize I’m no longer paying attention to the film as my mind races around thinking of my plans for the rest of winter break and school and I wonder if my professors have posted grades yet and what classes am I taking next semester again and when does Mom get home from work and omg Target is SO MUCH FUN TO SHOP IN THEY HAVE THE BEST SOCKS I should get some I wonder how many of those bull terriers they have for Target commercials and how did they decide on a white bull terrier I don’t think that many of them even exist and--STOP.

I have no idea what’s going on in the movie anymore but my heart is RACING. I have an incredible urge to run REALLY FAST SOMEWHERE EVERYWHERE ANYWHERE. I SHOULD DO LAUNDRY. I SHOULD CLEAN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

I try to be productive with cleaning but the vacuum doesn’t vacuum the things off the ground fast enough and I have to keep going over the same spots. I’m belting out lyrics to various Broadway musicals while folding my laundry but my heart continues to pound in my chest and every inch of my being feels like a live wire.

That’s it. I call the dog over, leash her up, lace up my shoes, and head outside. And we run. And run. And run and run and RUN AND RUNANDRUNRUNRUNRUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

My dog is an Australian Shepherd. I don’t know how many miles later, I FINALLY feel somewhat calmer, my heart rate is coming down, and the dog is lagging as far behind me as the leash will allow. I don’t know what was in those mystery cookies, but I am NOT under any circumstances eating a single one ever again.

Fast forward a couple weeks; the family is back in town, and I’m eating dinner with them to hear about their adventures and receive monetary payment. Mystery cookie baker Mike is present at said dinner.

Mike: “So, how’d you like the cookies?”

Me: “Aw man, they were great! Any time you want to bake too many cookies, I’m more than happy to help!”

Mike: “Yeah? You liked the snickerdoodles?”

Me: “Oh man, YES. Fantastic.”

Mike: “And the sugar cookies?”

Me: “Dude, the absolute essence of beautiful simplicity in its purest form.”

Mike: “And the double espresso chocolate chip?”

Me: *Slams drink down on table, eyes bug out of skull* “THAT’S what that was?!!!”

I quickly run them through the course of events following my cookie adventure. The table of 8 sits in total silence.

Entire family: *stares at me then bursts out laughing*

So. I have no idea if it was the mass consumption of sugar, or the double espresso shot cookies, or a combination of all of the above that led to me sprinting around the neighborhood with an Aussie in tow, but I have not come close to touching coffee ever since. Any time someone expresses concern for my well being when I mention that I don’t drink coffee, I explain to them that I once accidentally consumed espresso and thought I was having a heart attack. I never in all my life ever thought it would be possible to “accidentally” consume something like this, but I suppose life has a way of throwing curveballs at us. Ultimately, I learned a very valuable lesson that day: When you don’t recognize a flavor, it is most likely because you have never had that particular flavor before. Eating more of the flavor you’ve never consumed before will not help you identify it considering YOU’VE NEVER HAD IT BEFORE.

I will never forget that day until the day I die. It was slightly terrifying. It was delectably delicious. I regret nothing.

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tifapunchface · 8 years ago

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My kid was crying as if I was skinning her alive: A tale of transition from the Bassinet to the Crib.

So we moved to Iowa on March 15th from Colorado. It was a pretty crazy drive, our first ever road trip with the baby who was 7 months old at the time. My husband and I had our share of long drives. We drove from Colorado to my hometown of Pennsylvania in 2014 and back to CO from PA in February 2015. In our 2000 GMC Jimmy who we creatively named "Jimmy" he goes by a few other names "asshole", "fluid hemorrhaging piece of shit", and "Big Brother Jim." Because the Jimmy was definitely our first child. We got it in August of 2014 after the first car we got through Car Hop shit the bed via the radiator blowing up on I-25 and Colorado Blvd. After the Buick our first car lovingly named: Serana (a la Skyrim) died on us we got a new lease for Jimmy which absorbed the Buicks lease as well. We've been paying on this damn car since 2012 with them and I will not be done with payments on it until February next year!!! So yeah never lease a car from Car Hop they'll hemmorage your money from you and will give you a car that's radiator blows and one that pisses out oil and transmission fluid in return.

Since giving birth I have rarely been alone just myself with my daughter. My husband has been a saint, he is a stay at home Dad and her primary caretaker. Daycare is extremely expensive, 200 bucks a week WTF that is more than my rent! Even though I work from home I cannot have Surina with me when working. I work for an inbound customer service call center, thankfully I have been promoted through the years so the only calls I take now are helpline from our frontline customer service, international calls, and escalations when our frontline customer service reps get a customer who is asking for a supervisor. So a screaming or babbling baby in the background is not quite welcome. I have a few stories as to when my customers have heard her even though she is in the other room good and bad but those will be for another time.

When we moved from CO to IA we couldn't bring our car because when we arrived at the moving truck rental place we found out that the tow dolley we reserved with them had been discontinued and the only one that would work for our car was in California, fuck you Budget Truck. So we packed up our shit into the moving truck, turned off the passenger airbag and strapped in the beeb for an ass numbing 800 mile drive in a cramped budget truck cabin. Once you have a car and then go without it for a good 2 months is a traumatic experience. To be with wheels for so long and to move to a new unfamiliar place without wheels is a pain. Especially when the nearest gas station is a mile walk away and you have exercised regularly since 2008. We were lucky a friend of mine from work nearby that we could use her car sometimes when we needed to do a grocery trip or pay our bills but it wasn't available at all times. My Mom was awesome and paid for a 1 way ticket to Colorado for Dillon so he could pick up our car and drive it back to us. He also had an interview with 9 News about why he left Colorado. I've linked here if you would like to watch, his interview is at 19:00. So I took off work from the 30th to the 3rd so he could go get our first baby back to us.

http://www.9news.com/news/local/next/next-with-kyle-clark-full-episode-5-1-17-/435813436

When Surina and I kissed Dillon goodbye I was really looking forward to spending some quality 1 on 1 time with my daughter, and hopefully getting a little personal time to myself during her naps. There was a goal I needed to accomplish while my husband was gone: Getting Surina out of her rock and play (Bassinet) that she had gotten far to big for and into the crib that had only been used by her once. Until now the crib has pretty much been a storage container, laundry basket, anything that can be thrown in it will be thrown in it, etc... at our old place. We knew we needed to do it much sooner, honestly she should've been in the crib at 6 months but it was just so convenient when I was breastfeeding. If she woke up hungry I could just lean over, pluck her out and pop her on my tit. But Surina gave up the boob around 6 months anyways but even with bottle feeding it was just so much more convenient to have her right next to the bed within arm's reach. However now at 8 months old and a million new skills under her belt: rolling over, pulling herself up, etc... She had begun a habit of rolling over in her sleep and that was a definite SIDS risk keeping her in the bassinet any longer.

So this trip felt like it was an opportune time to get it done. Bye bye Mommys personal time because I didn't factor into learning how to sleep in the crib would result in Surina taking shorter naps. The first night was hell, I invited my Mom/Work friend who had born and raised 3 kids over for some playtime with Surina and to make her dinner. Yeah that worked... not! I put Surina down for her 2nd nap of the day and began to prepare dinner. At about 15 minutes into her nap she woke up freaking out. I tried everything and she just kept flipping and flipping no matter how drowsy I got her. I had to cancel Dinner because I hadn't even gotten it started due to her meltdown. She completely missed her 2nd nap of the day which turned her into Super Saiyan 3 Surina and she was now overtired and over fussy. She screamed for 2 hours, count it 2 hours straight. I swear every second of that 2 hours felt like pure pain in my heart.

She had been played with, fed, diapered, read to, bathed, rocked, bounced, gas drops and tylenol administered (she sometimes gets bad gas and is also teething for her top teeth now.) Anything and everything I did was met with screams and I asked my friend if we could do dinner another time. I dealt with this for a little over an hour before I started crying myself, panicking, and hyperventilating. All and all I had to stop and assess myself. "Okay Emilee, she's clearly losing her shit here, you're clearly losing your shit here. Remember what the pediatricians and internet pages said "If you get overwhelmed put your baby in their crib, step away and collect yourself" to me this was hard, extremely hard.

Dillon and I have really done very well at attached parenting, I breastfed as much as I could, she slept in the same room with us, right next to my side of the bed to say the least. Anytime she cried we met her with a way to comfort and get her needs met. We felt so proud that we had raised such a happy little girl because of this parenting method. However it caused quite a problem for Surina because she had in no way ever really soothed herself to sleep. Usually it was nursing to sleep, bottle feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep or letting her fall asleep on our chests. The bassinet was also a very great tool in the beginning stages of her life. I am horribly short, 5' 1 and 3/4" and the 3/4 MATTERS! Because of this when I would attempt to put her in the crib I would have to stand on my tip tip tippy toes to get her in the crib. This almost always resulted in her jolting awake due to the startle reflex newborns have and an immediate crying jag. My Mom bought us the bassinet when she visited CO when Suri was only 6 weeks old. When the bassinet was used it was the most hours of consecutive sleep that we both had both gotten before Suri was born. So we depended on it.

I sat Surina in her crib and went out to the living room. At the time, I was a hot mess, I was covered in sweat despite taking a shower just the other night, felt gross, was without food due to her being up and at em all day and only napping 30 minutes for her first nap. I took another 20 minutes of me listening to the baby monitor and her screaming bloody murder as a multitude of bad thoughts came into my head:

"You're just letting her scream in her crib, she's freaking the fuck out."

"You're clearly a child abuser you know, because she's screaming like you skinned her alive."

"She's going to have horrid attachment issues now. Every time you put her in that crib she is going to think of this moment every time and of how you left her there screaming, snot streaming, to cry it out while you went to fix yourself. You shouldn't be fixing yourself, you should be fixing HER! She's the most important thing, you signed up for this. OVARY UP AND BE A MOTHER!"

Yeah... my thoughts can get pretty deep, dark and desperate. I frantically facebook messaged my Mam (maternal grandmother) and asked her if I was a good Mom. She replied to me with words of encouragement letting me know that I needed to let her cry and get myself together because that is when I will be able to take care of her best. I typed back to her thanking her for the advice. I turned down the volume on the baby monitor, not like I couldn't hear her from my kitchen. I'd grown dependant on the baby monitor too it was ALWAYS on so we could make sure she was okay at all times. Thankfully, we hadn't invested in the web camera baby monitors or I would've caved much sooner if I would've had to watch her precious face cry.

I sobbed relentlessly as I cooked my dinner listening to her cries, and constantly battled my inner voice telling me what a horrid mother I had been. I ate my dinner barbecue chicken and this amazing steamable quinoa with garlic and kale that Walmart sells. It is effing delicious and takes 2 minutes to make and really fills you up when you don't have much time to eat but need some serious energy. After calming down with dinner I heard the monitor go silent for a bit. I sent my Mam a text asking if I could call her since I had dinner and calmed down. She doesn't like me calling her on the phone when I'm upset and crying. I had a nice heart to heart with her and it honestly made me feel so much better. I'll go into my Mam in a later blog post because there are just simply too many good words to say about her. At the end of the call I went into the room with Mam on the line and just watched Surina sleep for a bit. You could barely tell that she was freaking out earlier.

The 2nd day of only doing the crib went a lot smoother. I knew now that if she fusses she fusses, as long as there is nothing in the crib that can hurt her she will be just fine. I learned to turn the monitor down and not respond to every cry with a bolt to our room to soothe her. The consecutive days after have been met with much better sleep for both me and my husband. I can't tell you how relieved I was when he got home a day later with our car in good shape. We now have Surina's Big Brother Jim back and things are finally starting to feel normal in our new place.

If you're still with me now because I type a lot you're awesome and thank you for reading! This happened back on April 30th to May 3rd and as I finish up this blog post is it now May 22nd. I'm not really too good with this blogging thing but hope to make it a nice casual habit to de-stress myself from the craziness of being a new parent. I added a tl;dr for anyone who couldn't read my huge blog post. I hope you enjoy it and look forward to more infrequent posts in the future.

Tl;dr Decided my husband leaving to get our car was the best time to get kid in the crib and attempt the Cry it Out technique. Kid lost her shit, I lost my shit. But no one died and hey she sleeps in the crib now!

#cryitout loseyourshit i'magoodmomright? it'sallgonnabeokay turnthebabymonitordown getmoresleep newmom

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wecappbah · 8 years ago

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The AMAZON PARROT and How They Are Amazing

The Yellow-headed Amazon (Amazona oratrix), also known as the Yellow-headed Parrot, Double Yellow-headed Amazon, etc., is an endangered amazon parrot of Mexico and northern Central America. Measuring 38–43 cm (15–17 in) in length, it is a stocky short-tailed green parrot with a yellow head. It prefers to live in mangrove forests or forests near rivers or other bodies of water. It is often considered a subspecies of the Yellow-crowned Amazon. It is a popular pet and an excellent talker. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am going to introduce you to my Red-Lored Amazon Parrot, Gonzo. He is the mildest in temperament for an Amazon Parrot. He loves to be around people maybe not very cuddly, but his personality outshines that. He is very intelligent and it attentive when being spoken to. He understands you and responds to you when he is told not to do something. He is much like a dog and very loyal. I am very fortunate to have an Amazon like Gonzo.

Now we are going to talk of the genus of all Amazon parrots. There are about 30 different species within the Amazon genus. They are all on the CITES index, which means that Amazon parrots, like Macaws, Pionus, Caique parrots all protected exportation out of the wilds like Brazil, Central and South America and the likes of Mexico.

On what is called the CITES Treaty; CITES stands for Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Flora and Fauna. The CITES also known as the Washington Convention was created by the International Union for Conservation of Nature. It was adopted in 1963, the convention then opened for signatures in 1973 and entered into force on July 1, 1985.

I ask that if you do decide on an Amazon parrot be very careful as to where you purchase your Amazon from. They are an endangered species and they need to be protected by people, like you and I. That is why I highly recommend getting a hand-fed baby or adopting an older parrot. The difference between a wild caught and domestic parrot is the band they have on their leg; an open band means they have been taken out their country of origin and a closed band means they were hatched and hand-fed in the country you reside in. Many breeders do band their babies for statistical reasons, by keeping clean blood lines and knowing which aviary the baby came from. If a breeder does not band their babies I would be weary of that purchase. Remember that if one day certain species of Amazon's may become extinct in the wild, it will be you and I who not let them be forgotten; as they will be our domestic companions.

An Amazon parrot's life span, with them being healthy is around 50 years or even longer as long as they have had good nutrition and have been well taken care with their needs in mind. They are a medium size bird about 10-20 inches from head to toe. Amazon parrots have short stubby tails. Their primary colors are green feathers with coloring on their head and/or their face. Some can be very colorful to just a multitude of greens.

Diet

An Amazon parrot's diet, you have to be careful as they have a tendency to become overweight with lack of exercise from being in a cage for a number of hours a day. They eat seed, pellets, fruits, veggies and some may like human food. I highly recommend putting a pellet in their diet. It has nutrients not found in seed. Fresh fruits and veggies are very important as they contain phytonutrients (antioxidant pigments), that is not found in seed and pellets. Your Amazon needs nutritional food and also a variety of other foods because as they become bored, they need the variety for psychological enrichment. Food is mealtime but it is also playtime. Like your two year old child, mealtime is fun time. The fruits and veggies that are rich in vitamin A are dark green leaf veggies, carrots (the baby ones whole), mangos and sweet potatoes. The reason for vitamin enriched foods is because Amazon's are prone to this deficiency. All sorts of fruits and veggies can be fed. The fruits you can feed them are apples, pears, berries, mango, papaya, banana, grapes, oranges, tangerines, tangelos. The veggies you could feed them are whole baby carrots (something they can play with), cucumbers, zucchini, red peppers and chilies, even dandelion and chickweed (make sure they are not sprayed with pesticides). Gonzo loves all nuts, though Amazons are known to get obese from fatty food, he also has an indulgence for tortilla chips and ramen noodles. DO NOT feed them avocado as it is toxic to them. Make sure they have clean and fresh water every day. Amazon's like to dunk their food, so you may have to change it a couple of times a day. That is to avoid any bacterial infections.

Cage

Their bird cage should be as followed with the cage guidelines when you are buying a cage for them. Remember twice the width, so they may spread their wings and 1 1/2 times in length for their tail. Bar spacing needs to be 5/8 inch to one inch apart. There needs to be both horizontal and vertical bars to climb around on. The cage Gonzo has is 24x20x27.

They need plenty of toys to play with. Make sure the bowls are secured to the cage because Amazons are renowned throwers. I recommend an extra bowl for treats, fruits and veggies; besides their water and food bowls.

You need to wash their food and water bowls daily. Clean their cage at least once a week, by washing everything down with water and a small amount of dish detergent. Make sure it is well rinsed off when you put your parrot back into the cage after cleaning. Their trays can become quite messy as everything goes on the floor or below them. They do not have best table manners. I like to change their trays with newspaper every time I feed them. Newspaper is nontoxic and cheap to get. I do not recommend pine saw dust or ground shells. There is a chance of getting a bacterial infection or them eating it and getting sick.

Illness

We have spoken of bacterial infections and you are wondering "How do I know if my parrot is not feeling well?" The signs can be different so watch them carefully. Watch your parrot carefully because parrots differs from one another when there are signs if illness. If their demeanor changes from lively to sullen, ruffled plumage, resting often with their head tucked into their back (keep in mind that your parrot may prefer to sleep this way), consistent sneezing (yes parrots do sneeze). Now the most noticeable ones to watch for are if they do sneeze and discharge is coming from their nostrils, cloudy eyes and any change in their droppings (feces). I recommend you to have a good avian vet specialist, who you have relationship with; that knows your parrot so you may call them after hours for any potential issues that should arise.

Gonzo

Gonzo is not caged and we do not have to be subjected to the aggression that Amazons are known for. The more your parrot is out and interacting with the family they are more likely to be friendlier and not so aggressive. Amazon's can be the most aggressive of all parrot species; however this varies from Amazon to Amazon. Our Red-Lored is one of the mildest and more adaptable to the family life than other known species. These issues can be alleviated by not caging your parrot for excessive periods of time. Gonzo is not caged; he hangs on top of his cage and playpen, watching the day goes by. This also gives him a chance for exercise and prevents the obesity Amazons are known for. Please do not keep them on their perch in the middle of their cage; as they will appear like a stuffed parrot and when approached will bring out their aggressive side.

Behavior

How your Amazon parrot behaves. Many are very loyal, like a dog. Extremely intelligent and playful; you can teach them to play basketball and roller-skate; these are typical toys that can be purchased. They are outstanding talkers and yes, even sing opera. Amazon parrots love classical and traditional anthem music. Keep in mind that each species of parrots are individualistic and have differences, so you may get an Amazon parrot who does not sing or talk. In our case, our Red-Lored does not sing nor talk, but is fantastic just the way he is. Never get a parrot expecting it to talk, get it because you want a lifelong companion. Amazon parrots are great screamers and vocalization, not as loud as a cockatoo or macaw though. They can be quite noisy at times, especially when the sun comes up and goes down. When it is breeding season and they hit puberty, about 5 or 6 though it could be later, they can turn into Jekyll and Hyde. Ride it out, this your companion you made, it is a commitment to for life.

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Amazon parrot loves to bathe with a mister or in the shower, it is fun time and it can be quite comical. Their world is about playing. May it be with food to the toys in their cage; they see the world as an adventure playground.

Keeping this all in mind; you will have a happy family when you understand your new found companion and their idiosyncrasies. Gonzo is everything that one that anyone could ever ask for. He is beautiful, great disposition in life and shows us how to take one day at a time. We are grateful for Gonzo; hopefully after you have done all your research and made that commitment as to what kind of parrot you decided on, you have decided on an Amazon parrot.

Peter has four very proud parrot species from all over the world. We have lived with our four parrots for over 15 years. All of our parrots are domestically born. The joy we share with them is immeasurable.

By Peter T. Roberts

Article Source: EzineArticles

#amazon parrot

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