#i consciously ignore that fact when i have those issues and haven’t eaten in a while

[sharkswithsocks]

Not being able to read/process hunger cues sucks cause, like, I was taught growing up that if your tummy rumbles you're hungry. And sure. That's true. But for me, nausea or a headache can also mean I'm hungry. But my silly little brain still says 'oh you're not experiencing tummy rumbles so you're not really hungry'. Shit sucks.

[unsteadyshade]

day 1: canon compliant/missing scenes

a/n: i made this account after bees schnees week was announced, and i just had to contribute, so i hope everyone enjoys what i’ve got to offer. these three deserve happiness, even if it’s only found in a small moment.

The movie was only halfway over when the three decided to leave the theater. Normally, they would’ve stayed to be polite, but there were only so many facts a piece of media based on a true event could get wrong before it became completely unbearable. There were no objections when Weiss suddenly stood and proceeded to walk out, the boys following closely behind.

Although Oscar wasn’t present at the Fall of Beacon, even he could tell how the narrative had been twisted to fit into what Atlas wanted its people to take away from the event. Plus, well, the boy had been traveling with their group for a while now. Remembering this only brought her thoughts to her own team, and Weiss quickly looked for something to take her away from the conflicting feelings that started to form.

Weiss tuned back into the conversation when dinner was brought up, and she knew that Jaune was trying to distract her from anything involving the ongoing election. As much as she enjoyed their company though, maybe it was best to return to the academy. She didn’t feel particularly inclined to do anything else and told them as much.

All thoughts of staying in vanished the moment she saw her teammates heading towards them, Yang’s arm casually draped over Blake’s shoulder while whispering what Weiss could only assume were comforting words, if Blake’s guilty expression was anything to go by. They hadn’t noticed the presence of anyone else yet, too engrossed with their conversation, but Weiss couldn’t tear her gaze away.

“They’re uh...really great, huh?” Weiss wasn’t sure which one of them said it, but she nodded numbly anyway before snapping her gaze to the boys behind her. Oscar was looking between the girls curiously, but Jaune-

Weiss looked away. She didn’t want to think too deeply into what those understanding eyes seemed to realize in that moment. The next words he muttered were so quiet that only they were able to hear, spoken quickly before he could really think about them. “It’s how I used to look at you.”

“What-“ Weiss cleared the sudden lump in her throat, trying to find a way to deny, to repress. What ended up happening wasn’t anything that could be considered indicative of either. Her fists bunched tightly in her clothes, needing something tangible to cling onto.

The heavy silence spoke for itself, and Weiss was about to leave to spare some shred of dignity before her hands were gently taken, knuckles slowly rubbed, easing the tension away. She didn’t need to look to know who the familiar touch belonged to, considering it was the same one that comforted her in the presence of her father earlier. Weiss met the intense amber gaze and noticed how Blake’s makeup was especially prominent before doing her best to smile reassuringly despite her racing heartbeat.

In her peripheral vision, Weiss sensed Yang moving behind her, her teammate acting as a solid barrier, and her smile became brighter at the realization. She could see the brightness reflected in Blake's eyes and felt a squeeze from their intertwined hands, though she couldn't be sure who was responsible for it. Yang returned to Blake's side, and now she was staring at two sets of concerned eyes.

"Jaune said that he wanted to have a guys night in with Oscar, so looks like you're stuck with us, princess." Yang said, smiling softly. It made the next hesitant words easier to hear. "Unless you wanna be alone…?"

Loneliness was the last thing she'd choose, especially when she knew how pleasant company could be, especially when it involved the two in front of her. She hadn't even realized that the boys had left until they were brought back to her attention, and she silently thanked them before sighing heavily. Weiss was truly exhausted ever since returning to Atlas, and if this was going to be their only night off until the next issue popped up, she was going to make the best of it.

"I-" Weiss hated how her voice cracked, the admission sparking a new fear within her. It was a nice offer, but what if they didn't really want to spend time with her?

"I don't want to be alone," Weiss finished, weakly. She tore her gaze away, unable to take the  overwhelming intensity.

"Then you won't be. Not tonight or any other night." Weiss released a heavy breath and nodded, not trusting her voice.

"I noticed you were kinda bummed when you looked at us earlier." Weiss's gaze snapped back to Yang, who made a vague gesture with her free hand. It was only then that Weiss noticed her other hand rubbing her knuckles, the coolness of the prosthetic contrasting with the all encompassing warmth of Yang through her gloves.

"Is it because of…" Blake paused, considered, and redirected. "The election?"

And suddenly, Weiss was reminded of everything else that existed beyond them, this moment. She swallowed another lump in her throat and decided to roll with it. That seemed less scary to face than acknowledging why her pulse quickened when she felt two squeezes of her hands.

"Of course. Why else would I be bothered?" Blake looked like she didn't quite believe her, about to press for more, but Yang took the answer and steamrolled along with a nod.

"Right, well let's not think about that anymore. Vomit boy mentioned that you hadn't eaten yet, so wanna go out with us?" Weiss tried hard not to overthink the very specific phrasing of the question.

"Yang, don't ever use that nickname and the mention of food in the same statement again." Yang's laughter seemed to break Blake out of her thoughts, and Weiss could only stare, silently pleading that no prodding be done -- not now, at least. Blake nodded subtly, and Weiss looked around them, feeling dissatisfied with herself for not being more familiar with Mantle. It was just another thing that Jacques had carefully chosen to limit her exposure to.

“While we were walking around earlier, we saw some food trucks if you don’t mind some street grub,” Yang said, noticing Weiss’s silence, something that all her teammates had gotten better at interpreting. Weiss was too hungry and overwhelmed to suggest otherwise.

Weiss wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not, but their hands stayed intertwined as they made their way over to grab some street food. It wasn’t Weiss’s first choice, but with good company, she found it hard to deny them.

--

It was after they had all finished eating that Weiss realized she had yet to ask how her teammates’ night had been going before they had run into each other. So as they strolled down a quiet street, Weiss chose to ignore the screens displaying election updates and focus on something much closer to her.

“Did you have fun dancing earlier?” Weiss expected, even prepared herself, for a complete regaling of how much they enjoyed themselves, but it was as if the question was a bucket of ice water dumped on them, and suddenly the climate wasn’t the only thing that felt chilly.

“Couldn’t get in. Blake wasn’t allowed.” Yang said gruffly, and Weiss’s eyes flicked to where Blake’s Faunus ears quickly turned down before she consciously raised them, not wanting to bother her teammates.

“I stopped Yang before she could do something she’d regret.” Blake shrugged. “I guess that was fun.”

Unhappy with that answer, Weiss turned away and glared at nothing in particular, tapping her foot restlessly. Even on their day off, they couldn’t get a moment of peace. Not from other people, at least. It seemed they’d have to find it...or make their own, which is exactly what Weiss resolved to do.

“Do either of you know how to dance? Formally, I mean.” Weiss clarified, looking at Yang pointedly, whose mouth closed with an audible clack. She grinned, shaking her head. Blake shook hers not long afterwards.

Weiss raised her head then, eyes sharp. She looked between her teammates and found equally curious gazes trained on her, anticipation thrumming in the air. Their attention gave her the courage to extend a hand out in invitation.

“You want to teach us?”

Weiss nodded. Yang had a roguish grin on her face as she gestured for Blake to step forward. “I’m surprised we haven’t seen you dance yet. You know, I would’ve asked you to the dance we planned…”

The next words went unheard as Blake stepped up to her, took her outstretched hand, and placed the softest of kisses on it, all while staring into her eyes, and Weiss could’ve sworn she saw a blush form. She chocked it up to embarrassment.

Blake hastened to explain herself, though Weiss found no explanation necessary. Still, she listened intently to the whispered words.

“I wanted to-“ Blake stopped herself, clearing her throat. “I’ve read that this is how princesses should be greeted.”

The so-called princess giggled, and she saw that blush spread. In the back of her mind, she wondered if Blake had meant to say something else but quickly dismissed the thought. She whispered her own reply. “I’m honored. Did your books give you any guidance on dancing?”

When Blake sheepishly shook her head, Weiss smiled reassuringly and proceeded to instruct her. As she spoke and moved, she could feel Yang’s eyes on her, on Blake, on them both.

Weiss couldn’t remember when she last lost track of time since returning to Atlas, but suddenly she was being held closer than she’d ever been to Blake. The grip was steady, but Weiss felt like she was falling. Their breaths were intermingling, and only a sudden strong, familiar embrace from behind simultaneously grounded and excited her all at once.

At first, Weiss was afraid of how Yang would react, but she should’ve known better. She’d never had reason to fear Yang before, and the almost hesitant question against her white hair allowed a new sense of clarity to form within her. “Do you know any dances for three people?”

Struck speechless and not trusting her voice, Weiss nodded and proceeded to instruct them both now. They seemed to move effortlessly now, their time as teammates allowing for an easy rapport between them. It was effortless, and Weiss felt free for the first time in the gilded cage that was Atlas.

In fact, she felt so free and full of a reckless courage that the need to tell them how she was feeling, how they made her feel, sparked within her. So when the dance ended but the heat of lingering touches remained, Weiss seized the opportunity.

“Yang, Blake, I-“

The election results are in! The announcement, but more importantly, the picture of the man who would be sitting on Atlas’ council seat stopped her. Suddenly, her heart was racing for a completely different reason, and there was genuine fear now.

Weiss could sense comforting touches and words around her, but her eyes wouldn’t leave the distant screen where Jacques was speaking. Their scrolls pinged simultaneously, and Weiss knew this, whatever it was they shared, had to be put on the back burner. They separated, and Weiss could feel the Atlas cold deep in her bones.

“We need to check on Ruby-“

“Was there something you wanted to say earlier?”

Unsure who asked and unwilling to face either of them, Weiss started walking away.

“We have more important things to concern ourselves with.”

“But you’ll tell us later?” There was a hint of desperation in the voice now, and Weiss quickened her pace. She could hear them hurrying to keep up.

“If I remember.” But really, how could she forget?

a/n: if you reacted at all to this, feel free to share along with any other thoughts that come to mind. now on ff and AO3.

[lyrieux-blog]

Wednesday, 21st June

Time: 14:59

     [╰☆╮]           I don’t blog as much as I used to on here - most days are the same old stuff; constant ups and downs, triggers, mood changes; literally the same old stuff. I am still on the same medication - I know it takes time to work and whatever but honestly, I just feel no different. I am constantly exhausted, like I have run a marathon and it’s the day after… My thoughts are just as all over the place, just as volatile… My anxiety hasn’t really dulled down all that much - I still panic fiercely when I go outside, sleeping is a little harder since I am literally consumed by anxiety attacks when I try… and then other times all I do is sleep… literally 19 hours a day. If not, most days I cant go on without at least two naps… I’d literally just… go to sleep. I couldn’t function. I still cant. Anyway. I got a phone call this morning. From a Councillor. It was a surprise… an early phone call… one I ignored on my mobile phone because unknown numbers panic me intensely… but then the women called the landline and my mother answered it - and once I knew what it was about, I was okay with talking. I have an appointment for the 6th of July. I’m not sure what to expect or think at the moment. I have another Doctors appointment next Tuesday, too. It’s probably to see how my medication is going again, how I am generally feeling. I just panic in those situations, say the first thing in my head to make out that things aren’t that bad or whatever… but the minute i get out I wonder… why did I do that? I just… don’t talk about the things I should… about the things I really do need help with. I cut myself, for crying out loud. But I haven’t mentioned it. I’ve put on a little bit of weight over the past two years and I am literally fixated on it - I hate it, I feel fat; I skip meals sometimes because I panic that I’m just going to get bigger. I hate the way I look. I hate all of the scars on my legs from flea bites in the past, I hate that I am always covered in scratches from when I sleep. I hate the fact I can’t see my ribs any more, I hate the fact that my hips don’t stick out as much. I’m not skinny enough any more. When I was tiny, I wanted to put on weight to be normal and now that I have I just… hate it, I really god-damn hate it. I just stand in my underwear in front of the mirror and… pick out everything I dispose about myself. Every day. Every single day.  And then there is this whole suicidal thinking thing? I mentioned that I had some thoughts but no plans. What a joke. I have thought intensely about how easy it would be to slip out one early evening and go to the Quarry and just throw myself off… because if the impact didn’t kill me, the water would. I can’t swim a stroke. And honestly, slowly drowning sounds better than constantly struggling with everything I have to keep in my head to keep everyone else happy. HOW DARE I SHOW MENTAL ILLNESS AT HOME! It will affect my sister! It will set my mother off on one of her phases! It disrupts everyone!  It’s tearing them all apart! Apart from that, I also thought of going toward the common… Peachfield common, i think it’s called. There’s a little bridge there over the railway line that I’ve visited a few times… I could just sit on it… and wait for a train to come and just… slip off. The road there isn’t busy… nobody would even see.  Mike spent the weekend. Well - Saturday and Sunday night. We had been together for three years on Sunday. And honestly, I love him and send him messages and whatnot when he isn’t here - I constant;y text him in fear that he doesn’t love me any more and when I don’t hear from him I get severely panicked that he is cheating on me with someone better, someone less crazy - and then I get paranoid. To the extreme. We had a nice weekend though I spent most of it wishing he wasn’t around because I was irritable and just… hated touch or loud noises or anyone in my personal space… but I couldn’t let him know that because I don’t want any issues with things. And when I had a wobbly moment and a panic attack and just… burst into tears… you know what he said? “It’s okay, lady, its just all in your head.” And that just really… really annoyed me. Yes, it is all in my head because MY HEAD IS WHAT IS ILL. If I had leukemia or something, people would understand immediately. Talking about Leukemia… I spent the last four days convinced I had it. For whatever reason it was this time… literally almost vomiting with panic and worry and whatever. And then I woke up this morning like; ‘haha how silly of me’. All of that unnecessary stress! It’s driving me insane, I can’t control my own damn mind! My moods are everywhere! I cannot cope with it any more. I will wake up fine, walk into the living room and mom will be having a bad day and boom, now so am I . I literally have no emotional skin, to to speak. It’s like being the emotional equivalent of a burns victim. The smallest things just… set my mood off drastically. I’m just… over the top emotionally sensitive and most of the time it doesn’t even have a reason. I know half the time it’s all unfounded, and I consciously note it but there is nothing i can do to stop it!  I was on Facebook earlier, and I was in a really wonderful, great mood - I was doing some art, planning some sewing and then a friend of mine posted about being upset about something. And instantly, I was in the darkest depths of being down, of being fed up, of being unbearably overwhelmingly sad. This is no way to live… I can’t do anything… it’s crippling. I’m not living, I’m surviving and it’s getting even harder to do so. Honestly, I wish I could just close myself away and quietly rot because this is no life to live. And I cant focus on trying to get better or anything when I have mom breathing down my neck every five minutes about not acting that way around my sister because she needs to concentrate on school. And yet in the same sentence she tells me I have to learn to open up to people. I can’t. I’ve always had to repress everything to keep everyone else happy and it’s eaten so much of me away that I’m not even sure it’s worth trying to salvage the rest. I never knew how to react to things because mom could change so quickly, she was so manipulative and complex and unpredictable… and my moods and my thoughts just… followed closely behind. Now she’s happy because she’s all better and on steady medication and a life that works for her and I’m just… messed up. Not coping. Not able to express that I’m not coping. I’m so close to just… walking outside and just… not coming back. Just disappear. Maybe die. 

[lyrieux-archive]

Wednesday, 21st June

Time: 14:59

     [╰☆╮]           I don’t blog as much as I used to on here - most days are the same old stuff; constant ups and downs, triggers, mood changes; literally the same old stuff. I am still on the same medication - I know it takes time to work and whatever but honestly, I just feel no different. I am constantly exhausted, like I have run a marathon and it’s the day after... My thoughts are just as all over the place, just as volatile... My anxiety hasn’t really dulled down all that much - I still panic fiercely when I go outside, sleeping is a little harder since I am literally consumed by anxiety attacks when I try... and then other times all I do is sleep... literally 19 hours a day. If not, most days I cant go on without at least two naps... I’d literally just... go to sleep. I couldn’t function. I still cant. Anyway. I got a phone call this morning. From a Councillor. It was a surprise... an early phone call... one I ignored on my mobile phone because unknown numbers panic me intensely... but then the women called the landline and my mother answered it - and once I knew what it was about, I was okay with talking. I have an appointment for the 6th of July. I’m not sure what to expect or think at the moment. I have another Doctors appointment next Tuesday, too. It’s probably to see how my medication is going again, how I am generally feeling. I just panic in those situations, say the first thing in my head to make out that things aren’t that bad or whatever... but the minute i get out I wonder... why did I do that? I just... don’t talk about the things I should... about the things I really do need help with. I cut myself, for crying out loud. But I haven’t mentioned it. I’ve put on a little bit of weight over the past two years and I am literally fixated on it - I hate it, I feel fat; I skip meals sometimes because I panic that I’m just going to get bigger. I hate the way I look. I hate all of the scars on my legs from flea bites in the past, I hate that I am always covered in scratches from when I sleep. I hate the fact I can’t see my ribs any more, I hate the fact that my hips don’t stick out as much. I’m not skinny enough any more. When I was tiny, I wanted to put on weight to be normal and now that I have I just... hate it, I really god-damn hate it. I just stand in my underwear in front of the mirror and... pick out everything I dispose about myself. Every day. Every single day.  And then there is this whole suicidal thinking thing? I mentioned that I had some thoughts but no plans. What a joke. I have thought intensely about how easy it would be to slip out one early evening and go to the Quarry and just throw myself off... because if the impact didn’t kill me, the water would. I can’t swim a stroke. And honestly, slowly drowning sounds better than constantly struggling with everything I have to keep in my head to keep everyone else happy. HOW DARE I SHOW MENTAL ILLNESS AT HOME! It will affect my sister! It will set my mother off on one of her phases! It disrupts everyone!  It’s tearing them all apart! Apart from that, I also thought of going toward the common... Peachfield common, i think it’s called. There’s a little bridge there over the railway line that I’ve visited a few times... I could just sit on it... and wait for a train to come and just... slip off. The road there isn’t busy... nobody would even see.  Mike spent the weekend. Well - Saturday and Sunday night. We had been together for three years on Sunday. And honestly, I love him and send him messages and whatnot when he isn’t here - I constant;y text him in fear that he doesn’t love me any more and when I don’t hear from him I get severely panicked that he is cheating on me with someone better, someone less crazy - and then I get paranoid. To the extreme. We had a nice weekend though I spent most of it wishing he wasn’t around because I was irritable and just... hated touch or loud noises or anyone in my personal space... but I couldn’t let him know that because I don’t want any issues with things. And when I had a wobbly moment and a panic attack and just... burst into tears... you know what he said? “It’s okay, lady, its just all in your head.” And that just really... really annoyed me. Yes, it is all in my head because MY HEAD IS WHAT IS ILL. If I had leukemia or something, people would understand immediately. Talking about Leukemia... I spent the last four days convinced I had it. For whatever reason it was this time... literally almost vomiting with panic and worry and whatever. And then I woke up this morning like; ‘haha how silly of me’. All of that unnecessary stress! It’s driving me insane, I can’t control my own damn mind! My moods are everywhere! I cannot cope with it any more. I will wake up fine, walk into the living room and mom will be having a bad day and boom, now so am I . I literally have no emotional skin, to to speak. It’s like being the emotional equivalent of a burns victim.  The smallest things just... set my mood off drastically. I’m just... over the top emotionally sensitive and most of the time it doesn’t even have a reason. I know half the time it’s all unfounded, and I consciously note it but there is nothing i can do to stop it! I was on Facebook earlier, and I was in a really wonderful, great mood - I was doing some art, planning some sewing and then a friend of mine posted about being upset about something. And instantly, I was in the darkest depths of being down, of being fed up, of being unbearably overwhelmingly sad. This is no way to live... I can’t do anything... it’s crippling. I’m not living, I’m surviving and it’s getting even harder to do so. Honestly, I wish I could just close myself away and quietly rot because this is no life to live. And I cant focus on trying to get better or anything when I have mom breathing down my neck every five minutes about not acting that way around my sister because she needs to concentrate on school. And yet in the same sentence she tells me I have to learn to open up to people. I can’t. I’ve always had to repress everything to keep everyone else happy and it’s eaten so much of me away that I’m not even sure it’s worth trying to salvage the rest. I never knew how to react to things because mom could change so quickly, she was so manipulative and complex and unpredictable... and my moods and my thoughts just... followed closely behind. Now she’s happy because she’s all better and on steady medication and a life that works for her and I’m just... messed up. Not coping. Not able to express that I’m not coping. I’m so close to just... walking outside and just... not coming back. Just disappear. Maybe die.