#i change the mood when i enter a room but i really cant relate to the hating humanity and resenting feeling that apparently all contras have

[nimrrod]

i'm having real trouble understanding if im synflow or contraflow

[ladyideal]

Ficmas~ Day 12

Pairing: Scones x Gender Neutral!Reader

Word Count: 1576

Warnings: Pregnancy related events

Summary: You have a Christmas baby.

Requested by: @mrs-l-mccoy

A/n: Not so bad for the first pregnancy fic. And I think it went great.

"Y/N? What are you doing here? McCoy will kill me if he sees ye here," A rather displeased Scotty ran up to you the moment an Ensign noticed you in the upper Engineering decks. 

"Working, Monty. I'm sick of being on bed rest, and I'm about to go insane if I don't do something," You answered, waddling past him.

Sure you were nine months pregnant, and looking like you were about to burst any moment. Leonard, the ever so dutiful doctor and boyfriend, had put you on bed rest and medical leave ever since you started your 30th week. 

Honestly, you were just done with this whole pregnancy and just wanted the baby out.

"I can still fix small things, Monty. Please?" You pleaded, heading into his office. "He doesn't have to know. I can head back in a bit. Just want something to do with my hands."

As an Engineering Lieutenant, you met Scotty first. Soon, your relationship became more than just work related. But how Leonard came into the picture was a story for another time. Getting to know you after countless accidents down in the lower Engineering decks and patching you up, he came to realize that it was Jim's fault for his lack of stricter rules. In an effort to apologize, he'd asked you out for dinner.

The Scot looked conflicted, flipping through the work orders on his PADD to keep you entertained. "You would be able to fix the Medbay's biobed in a jiffy, but Leonard is still on duty."

You sent him a sharp glare, letting out a sigh of relief when you sat down. Your lower back ached, and so did your bladder and knees. 

"Here, found it," He rummaged around his piled up desk, retrieving two seemingly perfect PADD and a comm. "Bloody Ensign Zane scared me half to death when he came in unable to fix them."

You snorted, reaching out for them. Ensigns, of course. Newly graduated Engineering ensigns were just as bad as medical ensigns. Len would usually complain about them often when picking up new crew. Happy with being able to work on something, Monty watched you with a relief sigh. 

It might be something Leonard was used to, as the second child. For the Chief Engineer though, this was his first child. Dealing with a pregnant lover was one instance he was completely new too. Violent mood swings, nesting, and so much more honestly scared him at times. 

Giving you another side glance and making sure you were alright, he settled in his office chair and continued going over reports.

"Scotty," A female Ensign popped in, earning herself a frown from you. "Oh uh hi, Y/N. Didn't see you there. Think I have enough room to put these around the office?"

She indicated an armful of mistletoe.

"Whatever Y/N decides," Scotty spoke nonchalantly, but did look interested.

"Sure! Where can I help?" You shifted away the parts and pieces from the PADD you were working on, and heaving yourself to your feet.

"Oh please no. You're pregnant, and I've enlisted help from Alex and River," Your friend spoke, as the other two waved from behind. "You just let me know where to put them."

"Thanks," You gratefully replied, glad that you were still included. Being on bed rest was enough to drive you nearly insane without much to keep you entertained. Monty and Len would pop by often during breaks, but you still felt left out. 

"Come on Monty, it's getting late," You mumbled, placing the last of the repaired electronics on his table. The office, and no doubt the other Engineering decks, were decorated with heaps of dark green mistletoe. "And I got dinner ready too."

"You're forgetting about something, Y/N," He spoke, turning off his terminal and swinging the chair over to face you.

"What?" You frowned when he pointed to the bundle of the green plant hanging overhead.

Realization dawned on you.

"I'll kiss you anytime anywhere, mister. Mistletoe or not," You laughed, pulling him in for the obligatory kiss. 

"Come. Let me find my bloody comm and we can eat," The Scot spoke, his Scottish accent slipping out more strongly after a long shift. 

"I have it," You pocketed his comm away, letting him escort you back to the shared quarters. 

An unfamiliar sensation trickled down your ankle, forcing you to a stop. Eyes widening, you turned to your boyfriend. 

"What's wrong?" He frowned, but panic shone in his eyes. "Is the baby okay?"

"Monty? I think my water just broke."

You'd never seen the Chief Engineer move that fast. Panicking, he'd scooped you into his arms and sprinted towards the Medbay, anxiety eating away at him.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, Monty. I haven't even my first cont-," You stopped mid sentence, gritting your teeth and squeezing your eyes shut as the pain threatened to overwhelm you. 

"Leonard!" Scotty bellowed the moment he stepped in, gently placed you on your feet. 

"Scotty, what did I say about screaming? I just got patients sleeping not even-," The doctor stopped in his tracks, taking in the urgency in his boyfriend's stance and you taking a grateful deep breath. 

"Their water broke." 

Things moved really fast once more. You were placed on a bed, prodded, scanned, gowned, in record time. It didn't take long for Leonard to sit down beside you, holding your other hand. 

"Baby's fine, darlin'. But it might be awhile before it is time," He spoke softly. "If the pain of the contractions gets too much, we can start you on the pain medications."

"We're having a kid, Len, Monty," You smiled over at Scotty who was rubbing small circles over the back of your hand. "Kid's finally deciding to finally meet us."

"You'll do wonderful," Leonard spoke, gently. "Let me help you get comfortable, sweetheart."

As the hours ticked by, so did the frequency and intensity of the contractions continued. Thank goodness for pain medication too, or you had a feeling you wouldn't be able to get through the night. During the blissful minutes between contractions, Scotty would walk around the medbay with you, talking about gossip and congratulations messages from those around the ship. 

By the five minute mark, you were absolutely done with puking and wanted the baby out immediately. A ring of nurses circled around you, and Leonard hovered constantly, fretting often with the numbers affixed on the bed. 

"Len, relax, would you? You're scaring poor Monty," You reached out, catching his sleeve and pointing. The Scot had a mixture of emotions flitting through his face every passing minute. 

"Sorry," The doctor apologized, keeping his mumbles to himself. 

"You ready?" The Engineer spoke, now changed out of his uniform and into a pair of the shirt and sweatpants. 

"More than ready," You nodded. "It's been fun, but I'm ready to have this baby out and stop pressing on my bladder and aching my back."

Leonard had returned with a fresh set of gloves, and settled into a rolling chair in front of your legs. A weak smile plastered on his face, but he looked determined. "Sweetheart, when you get the feeling to push, I want you to push hard. Alright?"

Labor was hard, much harder than you were prepared to be. Soon though, you were relieved when the baby's first cry was heard and everyone within the private room cheered. Although exhausted, you watched with a weak grin as Leonard cradled his baby boy within his arms. 

Once he was cleaned and fed, you watched with an adoring smile as he slept on your chest. A blue beanie, complete with gloves and socks kept him warm and safe. 

"We did it," You grinned over at your two boyfriends. 

"You did it, Y/N," Scotty spoke, carefully feeling the baby's hand with a finger. He was in awe of the little bundle of joy, a creation of life that you nurtured for nine months. 

"Welcome to the world, baby boy." You crooned.

Once you were allowed to leave, Leonard wheeled you out of the medbay. Scotty, on the other hand, cradled the baby. 

"What do you think Jim will say?" You spoke conversationaly. Two days ago you had given birth, and already the Captain was eager to see your child.

"Demand to be his godfather," The doctor shrugged. "What else would the infant say?"

"Congratulations!"

A rather large crowd of officers milled about in the lounge, surprising you when you entered. You smiled as the Captain approached, the first of many.

"You better name him after me after all I did to bring you three together," He clapped Scotty's back, and asked if he could hold him.

Your boyfriend glanced at you for approval, and you agreed with a nod. Watching carefully, Scotty slowly placed him into Jim's slightly awkward arms.

"Wow," was all the blonde could muster, already won over by the baby's cuteness.

"Alright, alright," Leonard grumped after a few minutes. "This isn't the time for "Pass the Kid Around"."

You chuckled, taking Nyota and Spock for their support. 

"In fact, just because I ended up delivering my own baby on Christmas Day, doesn't mean I want to end up delivering any of yours."

All around, as the Christmas lights flickered, candle flames danced, and a small pile of baby shower presents sat on a far off table, laughter could be heard around. 

It was your Christmas wish coming true. 

Eats Everything: @asraime @aspiring-ginger @mournthewicked @bluesclues-1234 @keijibum @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @also-fangirlinsweden @charlielotte @groovyfluxie @mysoulshideaway @fandom-imagination-ss @mayday1284 @sayanythingcreations @bbeasehnsucht @supergeekfangirl​ @your-sparklywinnercollection​

Trekkies: @marvelouslytrekking @lykxzandlove @mrs-l-mccoy @piccolaromana @strange-old-worlds @scraftskhu35 @april-showers-and-flowers @worm-cant-read @fandomismymiddlename @childofthecornflakes @dartheldur @yueci @lgbtqcontinuum @goddess-of-many-fandoms @writerdee1701 @crackheadcastdirector @readingtrek

McCoy: @cobe76 @yakuzussian @space-cowboy2227 @lacychick @kimberlyfletcher @nerdy-wierdo @samanthasmileys @cappuccinosandcosmos @fxngsfogxarty

Urban: @fandomsfeelsandfamily @justa-traaash @morriganwarrior @jkholmes

[whipscenarios]

Marathon night (F) - DPR Live

requested: Dpr live with some fluffy please / hi 😅 Can I request fluff or smut scenario with DPR live? I'd be really thankful 🙏 and your works are amazing! have a nice day💜 / Dpr Live fluff? He looked healthy again and genuinely happy at waterbomb

- 1k words - spoilers free

After the waterbomb festival Dabin had a free day, so you and him decide to make a La casa de Papel marathon, since the two of you started it together. You prepared you room, made your bed the fluffiest with all the stuffied animals he’d bought you, he had this habit of whenever he was traveling bring you a stuffed animal so you’d miss him less. “Babe?” you heard the door and hurried to greet him, jumping on his body, “I missed you yeobbu” you said kissing his lips, “So did I love, let’s go to our marathon huh?” he said picking you up bridal style and carrying ou to the room.

Dabin got only on his boxers and went to bed, “Is it any kind of game?” you said feeling weird about that, “You know I don’t like being with clothes on bed, but this time is just for comfort” dabin justified and you said, “I’m doing some popcorn before we start wait”, he nodded and you stopped for a while to look at him, just there, playing with the stuffed animals.

You two went through a lot because of this relationship. Lack of contact, jealousy, you parents disaproval, everything bad that could happen with a couple actually did happen. In the beginning your mom was aggainst because he was famous and she thought it would influence on your college, and your father thought he looked like someone without future. You two couldn’t see each other that much because he had his schedule full. And of course the jealousy would be something you didn’t really know how to manage at that time, all those models and fans wanting your man would make you fell you’re place wasn’t with you.

Now you were already adapted to all the changes he occasioned in your life, all you cared was your love and passion for him and so did he. Your relation was day by day lighter and without worries. “Come on babe you’re taking too long in the kitchen” he screamed right when you were entering the room, “I’m here dork, stop complaining, im all yours for the rest of the weekend, you’ll get tired of seeing my face” you said sitting beside him, “I’d never get sick of looking at your beautiful face you stupid” Dabin broke all the romance on that moment so you giggled eating a handfull of popcorn.

Putting the tv show, both of you were just cuddling and commenting some theories you two were creating while watching. That tension caused by the show made you two get even closer and cuddle even harder, “I’m so comfortable like this” he said kissing your cheek, you just blushed without letting him notice you melted by that action.

You felt so loved having him drawing with his fingers on your belly, kissing your neck from time to time, showing you how he missed you in a cute way. Sometimes you prefered having him like that than actually having sex, because just cuddling you really felt like he wouldn’t leave since whenever you two have sex he leaves to work. “I need a break baby” you asked seeing the credits coming up on the sceen. Already on episode five, you felt like you needed to stretch yourself a little, “Let’s cook dinner, I’m hungry” Dabin suggested and the both of you went do it. “What do you want to eat?” you asked and he said getting the pan, “You, but you’re unavailable so maybe some pasta”. You couldn’t really belive he said that and while laughing you said, “How can you be this filthy mr. Dabin”, your boyfriend hugged you, “I can be even worse, and you know it” he answered kissing you, “Not now babe, I’m not really in the mood for sex” you confessed, really not feeling like it, and you knew he’d respect you, “I’ll wait babe, I know you’ll be in this mood not so soon”.

Cooking with him was always a mess, like really. He was clumsy and your let everything fall, “Dabin” you’d scream a thousand times, “I’m sorry, I don’t really know why I am this clumsy” he’s apologize. You two decided to make some pasta with meatballs as you missed some international food. “Let’s watch it in the living room now, I don’t want to stay on bed anymore” Dabin said sitting on the couch and turning the TV, you sat by his side, “if I go to bed by now I will probably sleep so it’s a yes for couch cuddling”.

That moment was unique yet simple. The couch was a little small for you so you decided to lay on the floor, not that it would resemble a bed, but what else you do? “I’m so happy we’re together again, I cant stop saying this” he whispered. You knew he missed you more because you two havent seen each other in two months and it was hard for him since he was stressed about work. He’d call you or facetime just to listen to your voice, he’d cry saying he was tired and anxious and he missed you but what could you do if not cry with him. “I love you so much it hurts you know” you said back.

The last episode ended and you two discussed about it, maybe having a little argument but nothing bad. “We’ll have to wait untill next year” you said ending the discussion, “I cant believe you cried for such a bad ending, I wish I could stop your tears” he joked, noticing your dry tears on your cheeks, “Man I’m sorry If I get emotional!” you defended yourself, “Let’s sleep now, I’m tired” he said changing the subject, “I’m down, just want to rest after this mindblowing tv show” you said and he put his hands on your waist and kissing you, “I want to live with you, my girl, my life, my everything”, he was, for sure, the one.

[parkjaewbumtests]

requested: Dpr live with some fluffy please / hi 😅 Can I request fluff or smut scenario with DPR live? I’d be really thankful 🙏 and your works are amazing! have a nice day💜 / Dpr Live fluff? He looked healthy again and genuinely happy at waterbomb

- 1k words - spoilers free

After the waterbomb festival Dabin had a free day, so you and him decide to make a La casa de Papel marathon, since the two of you started it together. You prepared you room, made your bed the fluffiest with all the stuffied animals he’d bought you, he had this habit of whenever he was traveling bring you a stuffed animal so you’d miss him less. “Babe?” you heard the door and hurried to greet him, jumping on his body, “I missed you yeobbu” you said kissing his lips, “So did I love, let’s go to our marathon huh?” he said picking you up bridal style and carrying ou to the room.

Dabin got only on his boxers and went to bed, “Is it any kind of game?” you said feeling weird about that, “You know I don’t like being with clothes on bed, but this time is just for comfort” dabin justified and you said, “I’m doing some popcorn before we start wait”, he nodded and you stopped for a while to look at him, just there, playing with the stuffed animals.

You two went through a lot because of this relationship. Lack of contact, jealousy, you parents disaproval, everything bad that could happen with a couple actually did happen. In the beginning your mom was aggainst because he was famous and she thought it would influence on your college, and your father thought he looked like someone without future. You two couldn’t see each other that much because he had his schedule full. And of course the jealousy would be something you didn’t really know how to manage at that time, all those models and fans wanting your man would make you fell you’re place wasn’t with you.

Now you were already adapted to all the changes he occasioned in your life, all you cared was your love and passion for him and so did he. Your relation was day by day lighter and without worries. “Come on babe you’re taking too long in the kitchen” he screamed right when you were entering the room, “I’m here dork, stop complaining, im all yours for the rest of the weekend, you’ll get tired of seeing my face” you said sitting beside him, “I’d never get sick of looking at your beautiful face you stupid” Dabin broke all the romance on that moment so you giggled eating a handfull of popcorn.

Putting the tv show, both of you were just cuddling and commenting some theories you two were creating while watching. That tension caused by the show made you two get even closer and cuddle even harder, “I’m so comfortable like this” he said kissing your cheek, you just blushed without letting him notice you melted by that action.

You felt so loved having him drawing with his fingers on your belly, kissing your neck from time to time, showing you how he missed you in a cute way. Sometimes you prefered having him like that than actually having sex, because just cuddling you really felt like he wouldn’t leave since whenever you two have sex he leaves to work. “I need a break baby” you asked seeing the credits coming up on the sceen. Already on episode five, you felt like you needed to stretch yourself a little, “Let’s cook dinner, I’m hungry” Dabin suggested and the both of you went do it. “What do you want to eat?” you asked and he said getting the pan, “You, but you’re unavailable so maybe some pasta”. You couldn’t really belive he said that and while laughing you said, “How can you be this filthy mr. Dabin”, your boyfriend hugged you, “I can be even worse, and you know it” he answered kissing you, “Not now babe, I’m not really in the mood for sex” you confessed, really not feeling like it, and you knew he’d respect you, “I’ll wait babe, I know you’ll be in this mood not so soon”.

Cooking with him was always a mess, like really. He was clumsy and your let everything fall, “Dabin” you’d scream a thousand times, “I’m sorry, I don’t really know why I am this clumsy” he’s apologize. You two decided to make some pasta with meatballs as you missed some international food. “Let’s watch it in the living room now, I don’t want to stay on bed anymore” Dabin said sitting on the couch and turning the TV, you sat by his side, “if I go to bed by now I will probably sleep so it’s a yes for couch cuddling”.

That moment was unique yet simple. The couch was a little small for you so you decided to lay on the floor, not that it would resemble a bed, but what else you do? “I’m so happy we’re together again, I cant stop saying this” he whispered. You knew he missed you more because you two havent seen each other in two months and it was hard for him since he was stressed about work. He’d call you or facetime just to listen to your voice, he’d cry saying he was tired and anxious and he missed you but what could you do if not cry with him. “I love you so much it hurts you know” you said back.

The last episode ended and you two discussed about it, maybe having a little argument but nothing bad. “We’ll have to wait untill next year” you said ending the discussion, “I cant believe you cried for such a bad ending, I wish I could stop your tears” he joked, noticing your dry tears on your cheeks, “Man I’m sorry If I get emotional!” you defended yourself, “Let’s sleep now, I’m tired” he said changing the subject, “I’m down, just want to rest after this mindblowing tv show” you said and he put his hands on your waist and kissing you, “I want to live with you, my girl, my life, my everything”, he was, for sure, the one.

[foursideharmony]

Changeling AU: The Good Doctor

Word Count: 1,799

Warnings: Therapy visit, sad family story, vomit mention

Pairing: None

Summary: How did Roman survive his time in the special needs school without being Undone? He had help...

A/N: I actually went to a psychiatrist as a child. This was roughly 30 years ago at this point, I remember very little about it, and anyway it didn't actually help me. So apologizing in advance if this doesn't accurately reflect contemporary therapy visits.

The couch was soft, at least—upholstered with brown faux-leather that had worn a little in spots but was still perfectly serviceable. It reminded Roman of some of the antique furnishings at Caer Flamingo…which would have been more comforting if he had more confidence that he would ever see Caer Flamingo again once St. Dymphna’s was done with him.

“Just wait right here, Roman,” the receptionist said in a sickly-sweet, chirpy tone, “and the counselor will be with you in few minutes. Feel free to play with any of the soft toys or action figures in here, but please don’t touch the figurines on the shelves. Do you want a cup of water before I leave you alone?”

“No thanks,” said Roman, flinching at the slight tremor that came unbidden to his voice.

“All right.”

She left the room and swung the door until it was just ajar, leaving Roman alone with his thoughts and about twenty different stuffed animals and superheroes. He didn’t pick any of them up right away, instead investigating the contents of the room.

The figurines the receptionist had mentioned were clustered along the numerous bookshelves, and like the toys, consisted entirely of cartoon characters. The groupings were more-or-less sensible—three Looney Tunes characters, a couple Disney Princesses, a few others that Roman didn't recognize but that shared an art style. If he wasn't supposed to touch them, did that mean they were there for the counselor's own enjoyment? If so, that was...unexpected.

Directly across from the couch was an armchair upholstered in the same faux-leather. Presumably that was where the counselor would sit while interrogating him, although at the moment it was occupied by an absurdly large plush of Winnie the Pooh. Someone had put a fake lab coat and a pair of spectacles on it. Roman wrinkled his nose at the crude attempt at humor, and decided he'd seen enough. He turned sideways on the couch and drew his knees up to his chest. It wouldn't be long now...the counselor would arrive, barrage him with questions, and pick apart his soul. They would declare that Roman was abnormal and needed to be fixed, and maybe put him on some sort of medication, and just like that, his life as one of the Shining Host would be over when it had barely begun. Lady Valerie had said so.

Roman balled up his fists and pressed them to his forehead, forcing himself not to sink into despair. Lady Valerie had said...but Thomas had said something quite different, something much more hopeful...he had to hold onto that.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when someone abruptly started singing baritone right outside the room. There were no words—just “dum da dum” syllables, but the tune was...a fanfare? Roman was painfully reminded again of Caer Flamingo, with its trumpeters and troubadours...but then the song continued. A hand came through the narrow gap in the doorway, fingers wiggling in time to the music, which sounded more and more awkward the longer it continued. Finally, the singer reached a crescendo and flung the door wide, springing into the room like a jazz dancer closing out Act 1.

The counselor—as Roman assumed this was—wore a tan suit, a grass-green necktie, dark-rimmed eyeglasses, and a goofy grin. “Good afternoon! My name is Dr. Picani, I use he/him pronouns, and I will be your counselor for today and the foreseeable future! You must be Roman...unless you prefer a different name?”

Roman could only blink in confusion. He had never met a regular mortal grown-up who behaved like this. Was it a trick of some kind?

“Um...Roman's fine,” he said.

“Ah!” Dr. Picani continued, shutting the door firmly and crossing to the armchair. “Dr. Pooh Bear! Thank you for keeping my seat warm!” He moved the plush to the floor and settled into the chair, pulling a small notepad and pen out of his jacket pocket. “So then. I'll start with the same question I ask all my new patients: Do you how do, Roman?”

Had he heard that right? “Do I...what?”

“Listen again,” said Dr. Picani, in a tone of hushed excitement. “Do you...how do? Did you hear it that time?”

“'How do you do'...backwards?” Roman guessed.

“Not backwards, exactly. More...turned inside out. Like the Simpsons, in that one Halloween episode! You've seen it, right? No?” He cleared his throat and shifted in the chair, changing the mood of the interview. “Roman, do you know why you're here?”

Roman looked away. “Because my parents think I'm crazy,” he said bitterly. “And my teachers, too. At my real school, I mean.”

“Let me stop you there,” said Dr. Picani. “I don't want you to think St. Dymphna's isn't your real school. It can seem like a different world here, and maybe you've heard it's only for people who are full of delusions, and it's only going to be temporary...but it's still real. As real as the Ghostbusters.”

Roman's gaze snapped back into position. Despite that out-of-the-clear-blue reference to some old movie, that description was almost suspiciously relatable. That first week, after the theme park...

“Let me explain the situation as I understand it,” the counselor continued. “Roman, you're here because you're having trouble living in the world outside your head. My job is to help you figure out how to do that...without necessarily changing who you are as a person. The unique person that you are is a worthwhile one, and you shouldn't have to turn into someone else in order to get by. I want you to know that.”

Roman felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes. This was reminding him so much of what Thomas had said in the junk pile that it was painful. He blinked the moisture down and put on the haughtiest expression in his repertoire. “You're reciting,” he said. “Like a speech. You don't really mean it.”

“It's true, I do practice saying things like that. Using the right words is an important skill in my job here. But I also mean it. My goal is to help you, Roman. But I can't do that unless you cooperate with me.” He turned a page in his notebook. “Why don't I let you do some of the talking for a while? Do you remember how your troubles started?”

Troubles... Roman decided to humor the misconception for the time being, and suddenly the words were spilling out. “Yeah, it was when we went on vacation to Disney over Christmas. Everything there was just so...wonderful. It's like every kind of story come to life, all in the same place. They make it so you can really believe in magic. And so...so...so I did. And I found out that it was real, all of it, even after our vacation was over and we left.” The tears came again, too thick and fast to be stopped. “There really is magic. Why won't anyone believe in it?”

He fully expected Dr. Picani to shoot him down, but to his amazement, the counselor was nodding thoughtfully. “That makes a lot of sense. You're probably not the first.”

“The first...what?”

“The first to enter Chrysalis in a theme park.” Roman's eyes bulged with shock, but Dr. Picani was forging ahead. “After all, don't they call it The Most Magical Place on Earth? Where Dreams Come True? I always found those commercials to be pretty corny, but the place is focused on imagination and art. Why shouldn't it be capable of connecting susceptible individuals to the Dreaming?”

Roman leapt to his feet, hand scrabbling at his hip to draw the sword that he was not presently wearing. “How do you know these things?” he demanded. “You're not Kithain! I'd be able to see it if you were!”

The counselor slowly stood up, walked over to the desk in the corner, and took a framed photograph from it. He handed it to Roman, who examined it. It was an older photo, in color but with that slight smudginess that indicated it was taken using film rather than a digital camera, and depicted a girl in her early teens, and a boy several years younger, posing on monkey bars in a playground. The boy was just recognizable as a young Picani, while the girl...

Roman's eyes widened again. The girl shared a family resemblance with the boy, but...while the camera could only capture the mortal seeming, there were the little tells in her appearance, in the cant of her eyes and the shape of her nose. She was a changeling.

“No, Roman, I am not one of you. But my sister is. Or was, I guess. She's still alive, but we've barely spoken in years. She was...she lost her fae self, you see.”

“She was Undone,” Roman stated, running his fingers over the glass in the photo frame.

“Thank you, that's the word I was looking for. Our parents thought she was crazy. And so did her teachers. They wouldn't believe in magic.” Roman looked up. Dr. Picani was still smiling, but now it was a sad smile. “So Laura was put into psychotherapy in order to 'cure' her of her 'delusions.' The therapists wouldn't believe in magic either, and by the time they were done, Laura was a normal—completely human—girl.”

Roman felt the blood leaving his face and he began to grow dizzy. Autumn People... He let himself fall back onto the couch, setting the photo aside lest he drop it from his trembling hands. The dizziness got worse and he leaned over, letting his head droop between his knees.

“Easy there,” said Dr. Picani's voice, sounding oddly far away. He sat beside Roman—he felt the movement of the cushions—and rubbed his back. “Do you need the nurse? Or something to throw up into?” Roman shook his head as the dizziness subsided. “Roman, I'm not going to let that happen to you. That's the main reason I became a therapist—so that if I met any other young changelings, I could help them come to terms with their place in the world without making them turn out like Laura. And now I've met you. When they gave us your file, I found your story so familiar...I requested to have you as my patient. You can talk to me about your world, and I'll know that it's real. You're going to be all right. You're going to be you. Are you willing to work with me on that?”

Roman carefully sat up, noting with satisfaction that his head no longer spun. He allowed himself a careful smile. “I think so.”

“Then permit me to ask once more—third time's the charm, right?—do you how do?”

“Do...I...pretty good?” Roman guessed.

Dr. Picani beamed.

A/N: As of this writing, there have been two “Cartoon Therapy” episodes, and Dr. Picani's tie is color-coded for each. I chose to continue that theme here. Green is a color often associated with faeries in folklore because of their ties to nature.

Taglist: @k9cat

[stateofgrace-acoustic]

Taylor and Me

with reputation out and me loving it so much, i keep getting really nostalgic and astonished by how long i’ve been a fan of taylor’s and al the things she has accompanied me through. so i felt like posting a little reflection thing, feel free to ignore totally :D

like a lot of people Love Story was the first song of hers I heard. i was on the bus home with one of my friends and she let me listen to it. i was so young back then, oh my god. (like 12?) i think i found it catchy, but didn’t think much about it afterwards until two people had a presentation on taylor in music class. (we were all supposed to introduce our favorite artists). they played some more songs from fearless, and i can’t recall exactly what my reaction was but i know i wanted the album. i asked the presentation people if i could borrow it, and i remember looking through the booklet thinking how beautiful it was. i think even back then when i was so young i sort of intuitively understood what an amazing songwriter taylor was and how much work and effort she puts into everything she does.

fearless was for me very much an escapism record. i listened to it to enter this realm of magic and fairytales and dancing in the rain that was so far away from my everyday life and issues. i could never really apply her love songs to my life in a direct way, but i still felt like they were relatable for me, in a more abstract way - the feeling that came with them, a sort of freedom and passion, was how i felt in my happiest moments, when i didn’t feel inhibited by fear and doubt as i often did. and her nostalgic and sad moments i could relate to my own nostalgia as well. 

my mom bought me the fanbook for christmas, and that’s when i started being interested in taylor as a person as well., and how she sort of became my role model. i read about her childhood and the way she tried to achieve her dream so hard until she succeeeded. about how she wasn’t afraid to put herself out there, to open herself up completely in her songs. i admired how she put kindness above all else, how in touch she was with her fans, but also how intelligent she was and how all of her decisions in her career were her own, how she didn’t let anyone else take control over what her life or ‘image’ to the public should be. all of those things and values i took to heart and tried to live them in my own life as much as possible. looking back now i couldn’t be happier with my choice of a role model. taylor helped guide me through some years that were difficult, as they are for pretty much every teenager i guess. ‘fearless is living in spite of the things that scare you to death’ was the motto i needed so much in my life, because i was very much defined and trapped by my fears in my teenage years - of social interaction, of taking risks, of failure.. taylor’s music was something i could always turn back to to give me strength.

i remember when speak now was announced, i was excited out of my mind. i wrote the tracklist down onto my computer and kept looking at it. i loved all the released singles so much and listened to them for days on end. i painted 13s onto my hands and danced around the living room. that is one of the main things that comes to my mind when i think of happy teenage memories: this image of me dancing to a taylor swift song. 

speak now was an album that completely blew me away. i loved every single track from the first listen. it is still so incredible to me how she wrote that album completely by herself at 19; how talented she is with lyrics and melodies that completely fit together. i had some fan account back then on twitter and didnt shut up about taylor ever. 

around that time, my parents and i were planning this huge vacation in Calfornia that would turn out to be one of my best - perhaps THE best experience of my teenage years, and we figured out that a the time we wanted to go, the Speak Now tour was in LA. my parents agreed to get tickets because they knew how much it meant to me, and also because they were lowkey fans themselves:D you can’t imagine how happy i was. it was my first concert ever, and the fact that i got to experience it in that huuuge location with so so many other people, it was like a dream. i was pretty far away from the stage at the side, but it was perfect for me - i think the huge crowd would have overwhelmed me. i was completely enthralled by the huge setup, the stage aesthetics, the costume changes, just how big and well planned it all was. i ended up thinking all concerts were like this, but i remember my dad saying that artists usually don’t talk that much during concerts. but taylor told the stories behind her songs, universal experiences that people could relate to, inspirational messages she wanted to get out to her fans. she really cared so much about connecting with all of us. when she was in the love story cage thing flying around the arena she even waved in the direction of our seating area even though we were so far up! 

my favorite song from speak now was always long live, and i had desperately wanted her to play the song for the entire night. i loved all the rest, obviously, but i was telling myself not to be disappointed if it would be cut out. but then, almost at the end, she did play it! you can imagine small!me standing there almost crying quietly singing along in a state of absolute happiness. the memory makes me tear up right now ahhh, it was such an amazing moment. 

then came up the red era, and i remember staying up til super late to watch the announcement of the new album. the thing is...to make it short, red simply came too early for me. i was not ready, and not being able to fully comprehend and appreciate, the emotional maturity and sheer genius of the red album. i did not really like wanegbt at first. when red came out i did listen to it a lot and like it, but like i said, i could not fully appreciate it. hearing the general fandom discussions i feel like a lot of people had a similar experience, because red was such a leap from speak now in terms of the tone of the writing. im also gonna be honest here, i was influenced by the negative portrayal of taylor in the media that kinda reached its first peak back then, and even though i didnt buy into what they said about her because i knew better, it still influenced me like subconsciously, you know? i was also a bit sceptical at her direction towards pop music. so overall, i became a bit distanced from taylor. i felt like i needed to ‘outgrow’ her. a lot of it also had to do with the fact that it was my Edgy Phase where i thought being normal was a bad thing and i wanted to be as Special and Grownup as possible. (i think everyone has that cringeworthy phase sometime in their life but i hate remembering it:D). 

but the thing is, i think i needed that kind of alienation to eventually realize that taylor had grown up just like i had, but that didn’t mean we had to grow apart. by the time 1989 was announced i had actually done a great leap in maturity and had outgrown this thing where you idealize celebrities, and was able to see taylor as a person, with flaws and insecurities like everyone else, and that this didnt diminish her incredible talent of what a kind and wonderful person she is. 

i was not the biggest fan of 1989 itself (multiple reasons; i still liked it though, just didnt love it), but paradoxically, I felt closer to taylor again during the new era than during red. i kinda missed the red era now and regretted that i wasnt more involved when it was there (i still do). but i loved taylor’s new attitude, i was glad she had found happiness in independence and relying on herself. i loved the cat videos and the polaroids and the voice memos that gave insight into the creation of the songs. also, blank space was my jam and still is. since that ive been a huge fan of this super smart move of hers of taking all the things people throw at her and embodying it ironically. iconic!!

so since i was a bit more involved again (though clearly not as much as in my early swiftie days) i wanted to see the 1989 tour, and did! throughout the show i realized how much had changed, but also everything - the important things - that stayed the same (her interactions with the fans, the speeches, etc.) and i had tons of fun. it was like a giant party with strangers - which is obviously a very different feel to speak now, but loved it :D

i was worried that taylor would go into hiatus after 1989 because she always talked about how it was her best work yet, and it broke so many records and won so many awards, that i thought she might be scared she couldnt top it, and taylor always wants to top herself. i ended up being right, though the hiatus was more about all the drama and accusations because people just cant stop being awful. they cant take the idea of a smart talented woman who also shows vulnerability. 

but ive been awaiting a new album all this time, because generally i thought taylor doing pop had so much potential, i just wasnt completely a fan of the general direction of 1989. however....i never would have imagined loving the album as much as i do. i wrote a separate review about it, but basically - i totally love how reputation is big and confident but also super up close, intimate and deep at the same time. it’s darker, but it’s a powerful and sensitive sort of dark at the same time, if that makes sense. i can totally vibe to the general mood of the album because i think i can relate it to how i feel about my life right now a lot. also loving how taylor has truly found a place of happiness and trust after having been let down by ...the world?...so harshly. i love the aesthetic of the magazines and the poems, just everything about this era.

so basically, this album has completely pulled me back again to stanning taylor, and i think it’s kinda beautiful how i’ve come ‘full circle’ and am now back to hyping her music again as i used to :) i connect some of my most life defining and most precious memories with taylor, and i am glad i somehow found back to her and her music as i start off my twenties. 

im looking forward to getting involved in the fandom again so much, and i can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for us all :’)