#i carve validation and also have so many more fics planned out for this pls enjoy

[fandumb-thoughts]

Rating: General

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Harry Potter - JK Rowling

Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin

Characters:  Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin

Additional Tags: polyamory, poly trans Sirius Black, Hindi James Potter, animagus choosing, animagus, explaining why Peter is the Way He Is, marauders, fix it fic, start of a fix it fic, marauders era, Peter Pettigrew isn’t awful, that’s just the tea, well he is awful, only he’s not awful as a fifteen year old, cuz like, he’s just a kid, and he was one of their friends, ignoring that is ignoring the magnitude of the betrayal, Sirius has a shitty homelife, but it’s kinda background?, werewolves and shit, the war is happening in the background, domestic marauders

Language: English

Series: Part 1 of “Choices (are uniting)”, Part 1 of “A Hundred Divides (make a piece whole)”

~~~~~~~~~

Sirius was the first one to see his potential animagus forms.

He dreamt of a tree with bark that was blackened like coal. It was twisted, and gnarled, and rotted at the core. But above the tree sprouted young and pure leaves that shone through with sun and shaded the ground below.

There was a rabbit near the edge of the roots that was too terrified to move, erratic eye movements showing he was caught debating. Bolt and hope to outrun what endangered him, or hide in the roots and hope to avoid detection.

There was a snake that lay coiled at the base of the tree, half hidden in a deep hollow. His eyes glinted a familiar, unnatural blue-grey.

There was also a tiger, proud and lazy, dangerous claws glinting obsidian in the sunlight. He lay far away from any roots--away from the protection of the shade, farthest from the other creatures.

There was also a Grim, standing right before Sirius. Or rather, a large black dog that looked uncomfortably like a Grim. His eyes were blue-grey, like the snakes, but instead of unnatural it seemed rather more striking. As Sirius looked at him, he sat and wagged his tail, head tilting and tongue lolling from his mouth.

When Sirius awoke to Remus nudging him awake for breakfast, he debated on what he should say. Tell them he saw that he was still, somewhere deep down, part Slytherin? That part of him was skittish and terrified of what his future held, that some days he wanted to run and run and run and others he wanted to hunker down and weather the storm? That part of him was powerful but lonely, and content in the way it was? That the strongest piece seemed to be a loyal, obedient dog that took a rather uncoincidental appearance of a Grim?

“Are you alright?” Peter asked, bumping their shoulders and tangling their fingers together over the silverware.

Sirius fought the urge to pull away. There was no reason for him to get so flighty.

“Of course,” he said, stiffly.

Janmesh narrowed his eyes at him. Whenever Sirius was uncomfortable he reverted back to a very formal way of speaking, as had been ingrained in him. Shit.

“I just-I had the dream last night,” Sirius admitted. It was the final step to the animagus process, just in time for the full moon coming up in a week and a half. All there was left would be to choose, and then the transformations should be possible.

Janmesh leaned forward excitedly, nearly sparkling with excitement (or maybe that was just the water he’d shaken out of his still-wet-from-the-shower hair a minute ago, clinging to his skin). “Really? What did you see?”

Peter squeezed Sirius’ fingers, silently supporting him. He was sensitive like that, he understood that whatever Sirius had seen had shaken him up. It was a sweet gesture, just like Janmesh’s excitement was sweet in an entirely different way: it was a distraction. And Sirius loved ignoring his problems.

With a reassuring squeeze to Peter’s fingers he made an attempt to match Janmesh’s enthusiasm. “There was a tiger, a rabbit, a-uh, a snake, and a big black dog.”

Janmesh ignored Sirius’s stumble over the ‘my animagus form could be a snake,’ like a good friend/maybe-significant-other/whatever-the-fuck-they-are should do. “Really? Which called to you the most?”

“The dog was right in front of me, and seemed the friendliest.”

“You’ll have to focus on that when you go to bed tonight, then, and drink-”

“What are you talking about?” Remus asked, practically flinging himself onto the bench next to Janmesh, reaching blindly for the kettle. 

“Divinition,” Janmesh answered casually, automatically pouring Remus a cup and pushing it into his hands so that he wouldn’t knock something over or burn himself. “Peter has a dream journal as an assignment this month.”

Remus mumbled something to indicate that he’d heard, too tired to continue the conversation. Sirius thought he ought to start studying before late at night, and go to sleep at a decent enough time so he’d be able to function before noon.

“Speaking of that, I’m going to be late,” Peter squeaked out. He was so terrible at lying it was cute. “See ya guys.”

Sirius twisted his neck so Peter could press a quick kiss to his cheek before rushing off to his first class. “Bye, babe.”

Janmesh grinned. “You’re so cute.”

“Fuck off, it’s better than being starry-eyed over someone who doesn’t even look at you.”

Janmesh placed his hand over his heart, and dramatically swooned into Remus. “How callous! You wound me!”

Remus elbowed him, knocking him to the floor. They both laughed. Remus glared through foggy, baggy eyes.

“C’mon, Moony, off to Runes for us,” Sirius prompted, leaning across the table to push a piece of buttered toast and bacon into Remus’s mouth before he could curse at him for interrupting his morning caffeine.

“See you in Charms!” Janmesh called after them. Lucky bastard, the Arithmancy classroom was closest to the Great Hall. Then again, Arithmancy first thing in the morning.

~~~

When Sirius fell asleep to the effects of the binding potion that night he thought of all of the options that had been presented to him.

The rabbit was the first thing to greet him.

“We’re scared,” said the rabbit. He had Sirius’ voice, but it sounded younger. Sirius’s blue-grey eyes seemed trapped within the rabbit’s face. “We’ve always been scared.”

Sirius nodded. It was true.

“It’s all we’ve ever known, for a long time. It’s comfortable.”

And it was comfortable, in a familiar sort of way. Sirius had grown up in his mother’s house, and his family’s world. He knew how to navigate it and avoid trouble, and how to run from it when he met it. It would be so easy to silently struggle and stay right in the position he’d been born into.

“I don’t want to be that person anymore,” Sirius told the rabbit.

“Very well.”

The rabbit vanished, and next there was the snake.

“We were raised to be this,” said the snake. His voice was smoother, refined in the way all purebloods were forced to be. Sirius’s eyes fit within the snake’s face but didn’t belong.

“I’m not a Slytherin,” Sirius protested. “I’m a Gryffindor.”

“That’s not the only indication of character,” the snake said. “We have it in us. We could do great things.”

Sirius could do great things within pureblood society. He was higher in line for lordship than any of his other cousins, aside from Alaric, and Alaric was a Prewett in name. The chances of the family magic claiming him as heir after his mother Lucretia were fairly low. It would likely go to Sirius’ father, and then Sirius if he hadn’t married out of the family at that point. He could have power. He could-

“That’s not who I want to be,” Sirius told the snake.

“Very well.”

The rabbit vanished, and next there was the tiger.

“We don’t need anyone else,” said the tiger. His voice sounded old and arrogant. Sirius’s eyes were wrong and disjointed in the tiger’s face.

“Yes we do,” Sirius argued.

If tigers could smirk, the tiger would be doing so.

Sirius wanted to squirm under his stare. He-he was self reliant, wasn’t he? The only people that knew even close to everything about him weren’t his friends, or even his boyfriend….s. It was his cousins and brother. In their own strange way, they stuck together. Even then the information shared was only enough so that everyone was able to get by in the strict way of living within their family and marriages and Hogwarts house. Sirius could shut himself down completely around his friends, and close himself off from his cousins and do things all on his own. No expectations to live up to, no rules to follow, free-

“I don’t want to be alone,” he told the tiger. He didn’t know if he fully believe even himself.

The tiger was judging him. He didn’t believe Sirius fully either, but it was Sirius’s choice to make.

“Very well.”

The tiger vanished, and next there was the Grim.

“We want things to be different,” said the Grim.

Sirius nodded, almost shaking with relief. All of the other options seemed to be rooted in staying right where he was, doing slightly different variations of what he was already being forced to do.

“No matter what happens, we need to go with our heart and stick with what we know is true,” said the Grim. His voice was Sirius’s voice. Sirius’s eyes were too intelligent for a dog, but they were fitting.

“Yes,” agreed Sirius, reaching to make contact with the Grim and bind his soul to him.

The dog stepped back. “There is danger in blind loyalty. Do you accept these dangers, know of them? Do you believe I am the best piece of you?”

Sirius thought of the rabbit, and the snake, and the tiger. 

“Yes,” he answered honestly.

“Very well.”

~~~

Janmesh saw an elephant, and a squirrel, and an owl, and a stag.

He dreamt of a river bank, the water slow moving and vast, and a grassy bank. The sun made the water shine and the grass alight a vibrant green.

In the water was an Asian elephant, pouring water over himself with his trunk. He was powerful and proud, uncaring to the other animals about. He had no reason to worry, so he didn’t.

The squirrel scurried between the small trees and bushes along the water’s edge, making cheerful noises as he played, unheading of the predator that sat on one of the branches.

The owl ignored the squirrel. He was a barn owl, pale-moon face staring smugly down at Janmesh. He was above the rest, arrogant in his full view of the world.

Then, closest to him at the edge of the water was a stag. His antlers weren’t quite full grown, but they gleamed in the sunlight. He watched over the squirrel and the uncaring elephant and the arrogant owl. The cautious protector.

Janmesh woke up to Peter screaming.

He bolted upright and shoved aside the partially-opened drapes around his bed. Peter was knocked to the ground, a great black dog with gangly legs and too-big paws standing on top of him and attacking his face.

No, not attacking. Licking.

“Sirius!?” Janmesh cried out, elated. The dog leapt off of Peter and bounded up to Janmesh, tongue lolling out of his mouth, tail wagging.

“What in the bloody fuck is going on?” Remus growled, poking his head from his drapes, squinting.

“Oh, um-�� Before Janmesh could come up with either an excuse or begin to explain that they had been attempting to become animagi since the past summer and had neglected to tell him as a surprise, Remus continued.

“Just get the dog out of here and let me sleep until I physically need to be up.” And with that Remus snapped the drapes closed.

“Dramatic,” Peter remarked in a whisper. Janmesh struggled not to laugh. Sirius-the-dog thumped his tail loudly against the bedpost. Remus let out an ominous growl.

“C’mon,” Janmesh told them and ushered them out of the dorm and up the boys staircase. The few early-risers gave Sirius some odd looks but decided not to comment. Upon reaching one of the empty rooms towards the top of Gryffindor tower, Peter locked the door behind them.

Sirius ran around the room, jumping and knocking into things. Janmesh had seen toddlers that were more coordinated, but at least Sirius could functionally move.

After three loops, he stopped and shifted back into his human form.

His very naked human form.

For all of five seconds Sirius didn’t seem to realize, so caught up in the excitement. “I did it! I did it firs-oh fuck.”

Peter covered his eyes with a squeak and a blush. It wasn’t that they hadn’t seen anything before (living in a room with each other for over four years would ensure that), however, it was very rare that it was Sirius being unclothed--even more so since he’d openly admitted to fancying all three of them. 

Janmesh valiantly decided to pretend that nothing too-far from ordinary was happening. He wasn’t going to check his...maybe, almost boyfriend out, no matter how much he wanted to. He also wasn’t going to look away, making it blatantly obvious that he wanted to check him out.

“Might’ve been the first one to shift, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be automatically able to keep your clothes, mate.”

Janmesh forced himself to focus on Sirius’s face, which was tinting pink high along the cheekbones. Even though he didn’t look down, he could tell Sirius was twisting up to attempt to cover himself up.

“U-ha-um-”

Instead of waiting for a more intelligent response, Janmesh pulled off the nightgown he wore over the flannel sleep pants Remus had introduced to all of them (after years of having his stolen, Remus had just gifted them each two pairs last Christmas and James wore them nearly every night).

Sirius’ blush intensified as he took the offered garment, quickly pulling it over his head.

“He’s decent, Peter, you can stop being scandalized,” Janmesh teased, shoving at Peter.

“Yep,” Peter managed to say, keeping his eyes firmly on the ground.

Sirius wouldn’t make eye contact, either, just as red as Peter. Janmesh’s nightgown was too big on him, and it kept making attempts to slip down his shoulders.

“I had my dream last night!” Janmesh announced, perhaps a bit louder than he meant. 

“Lucky,” Peter mumbled.

“What’d you see?” Sirius asked eagerly.

“An elephant, an owl, a squirrel, and a stag,” Janmesh relayed proudly.

Sirius frowned. “None of those would be quite useful against Moony, would they be? A stag would get eaten, a squirrel and an owl’d be too little, and the elephant would be a touch too dramatic.”

“Hey, the owl could, uh, could be lookout! And the squirrel would probably be good for getting through the Whomping Willow!”

“That’s actually a good idea,” Peter said. “Accuracy levitation is finicky, and it’d be a bit suspicious if any of the professors looked out and saw a stick hovering in midair.”

Sirius spun around Janmesh and Peter as he passed to get to the door. Janmesh attempted to will away the heat in his face at the reminder of how graceful Sirius could be when he wanted to, the aesthetic only intensified at the swirling of the borrowed nightgown. 

“It will also be easier to fit two of us and a squirrel under the cloak, rather than trying to squeeze the three of us.” Sirius opened the door, and the collar of the nightgown finally slipped off his shoulder, exposing the sharp line of his collarbone.

“Huh-yeah!” Peter agreed, hurrying to follow. From his momentary stutter Janmesh knew Peter had likely noticed the same thing he had.

“Squirrel it is, then,” Janmesh confirmed.

~~~

That night Peter dreamed of a black bear, and a blue bird, and a rat, and a wild boar.

He was in a field of raspberry bushes. He couldn’t see the edges of it, but he knew that not too far away there would be a little stone cottage with painted blue shutters. It was his muggle aunt’s place, out in the countryside. The sun was weak, but still bright in the middle of the sky.

The black bear was eating from the bushes. He moved slowly and calmly from bush to push, rolling gate peaceful as it sought out more of the sweet fruit.

The blue bird sat on one of the bushes that had yet to be picked over by the bear. The berries on that particular were full and ripe and red. The bird was jealously guarding the bush from the other animals there.

The rat was hard to see, hidden in the underbrush. He ate the berries from the lowest branches and the ones that had fallen to the ground. They weren’t the beautiful berries from the blue bird’s bush, or the bountiful feast that the black bear had, but they were food and it kept him hidden.

The boar was paying no heed of the black bear, marching right in front of his path and interrupting him when the boar wanted the berries the most. Even the blue bird with his beautiful horde was not enough to stop the boar, though he did not attempt to eat from the bird’s bush, only around it. He was fearless, yet still respectful.

~~~

And here is the divergence. The moment that would define the rest of history--or, at least, the history of the four boys sleeping in the dormitory that night. 

Either Janmesh Puther would choose with his head, or he would choose with his heart. The conversations with his animal pieces would go along a similar strain as Sirius Black’s had. Janmesh would be at the same stream as in his first dream, only he wouldn’t really know that, and the pieces would try to sway him to their side.

The elephant with freckle-spots around his eyes would tell Janmesh that he should reclaim his heritage of an ancient and powerful pureblood, to bask in the benefits of the Puther name. 

The owl with heavy brown markings around his eyes would tell Janmesh that he was capable of great things, if only he stopped lowering himself. 

The squirrel with pale spots around his eyes would tell Janmesh that the world was harsh and cruel, and he had people like his parents and Dumbledore to look out for him. He was still only a child, these things weren’t his to worry about.

The stag with large white marks around his eyes would tell Janmesh that he was in the best position to help his friends. He wasn’t the best duelist, and he wasn’t a genius, and he didn’t even know how to properly cheer someone up when they were unhappy, but he had the name and the wealth and the support that came behind it.

Janmesh would always reject the idea the elephant proposed. He was uncomfortably aware of the privilege he had over Remus and Peter and Lily and Sirius, in some regards. He wouldn’t ever want to ignore that.

Janmesh would instantly chafe against the owl’s suggestion, despite knowing, deep down, that if he were to mature some things could be going much differently in his attempts at wooing Lily and actually talking things over with Sirius. His parents would be less exasperated at his interactions with the rest of pureblood society.

To the squirrel, Janmesh might accept. It would be with trepidation, and the squirrel would make him hear out the stag first, but he would agree. Even if what the stag promised was true, it was not the correct choice for him. His friends need him to be a squirrel and he couldn’t be a stag, or else the very friend he was becoming an animagus form might try and hunt him.

Or, Janmesh might reject the squirrel. He would tell him that he didn’t want to live that way, with his head buried in the sand, that he had an obligation to his friends and if the squirrel wouldn’t allow it, he’d find another way to be there for them. In this version of events, Janmesh would immediately agree with what the stag was saying. He wouldn’t care what warning was issued with, just that he couldn’t live his life the way the squirrel wanted him to.

If Janmesh went with the squirrel, he would wake Sirius first by chittering loudly in his ear, and then wake up Peter in the same way. The three would go to the same empty room as the day before (this time with clothes for Janmesh in tow) and discuss the dream that Peter had.

If Janmesh went with the stag he wouldn’t have a choice on who to wake first as his young antlers would get tangled in the curtains and he’d nearly bring an entire bedpost down while clattering around. Sirius would be forced to explain to Remus why there was an animal in their room for the second morning in a row, inciting a disagreement that wouldn’t end until after the full moon.

If Janmesh went with the squirrel, the next night Peter would go with the wild boar. It had felt the most right to him. It was brave in a way that Peter had tucked way down deep inside, and not oblivious like the bear or jealous like the bird or scheming and afraid like the rat. Remus wouldn’t be woken up by his first transformation because he would have fallen asleep in the common room late the night before, and they would go with the plan to surprise him outside of the Shrieking Shack (in order, of course, to be sure that as a werewolf he wouldn’t attempt to kill them). The next day Remus would be furious at the risk but secretly touched.

If Janmesh went with the stag, the next night Peter would go with the rat. It would make the most sense, if they still needed a small animal, and Remus had shouted about how a dog and a stag was already enough attention, without a third giant animal in the mix. Peter wouldn’t wake anyone up with his transformation, he would sit on his pillow with some strange sort of forlornness that he couldn’t place, until Sirius pulled back the curtains to wake him and offered up a beaming smile at Peter’s accomplishment.

But these are just two possibilities, neither set in stone.

Janmesh had to choose, and his options were difficult, each weighed for their worth with the information that was known.

But choices, as everyone knows, have power.