#i cant watch the 6th opening and 5th ending without crying

[pawphin]

i finished hxh earlier todau and im a sopping wet pathetic mess

[dreamsnipez]

So all my life

My mother is the 2nd oldest of 4, grew up in Mexico only reached 6th grade before my grandparents pulled her out of school to work and provide since they no longer had money to pay for her education eventually in search of a better life where there is no theifs and gangs as well as outrageously corrupt goverment. She moved to Georgia, US at the age of 15 and began working as a maid eventually lattering up to working in restraunts until she met my father whom she loved and did anything for him. Eventually further into the relationship she learned he was a porn addict, a drug dealer/abuser, and abusive even so she allowed him to have sex with her and he took her virginity despite her only doing it for him she had no sexual desire to it. He impregnated her then abandoned my mother for another woman got her pregnant then beat the other woman went to get high off 7 drugs got caught driving and being that he was illegal within prison ICE had found him and deported leaving my mother alone and for 4 years i lived without a father figure I don’t remember his face but apparently I’m an exact replica of him as well as with habits or way of doing things. ANYWAYS yea i grew in poverty living in an apartment until I reached age to go to school. I knew 0 English and was bullied for being different all the way till 5th grade. I grew up on a college diet (ramen and the occasional actual dinner but that was just beans and rice with a tortilla or 2) then my “stepdad” was forced into my life and i say stepdad in quotation marks because both him and my mother are illegal so there was no paperwork or church consent just their word and um yea he came into my life made things worse he was a drunk and aggressive he abused of me took his anger out on me beat me for every minor mistake and brutally assaulted me with makeshift weapons such as a wire from coat hangers even threw chairs at me hit me with a metal bat in the back of my legs

My mom would stress me into getting only 100s but i barely knew English I struggled especially when school wasn’t my worry my mother always emphasized how poor we were and how she was illegal so my worries were always to take care of her and i worried i think just as much as she worried i as a child grew up giving other more then I receive so like i said i was never in focus to learn in school but i loved to learn on tv about dinosaurs and anything i could find in National Geographic, Animal planet, and discovery channel sometimes even history channel I rarely watched cartoons and it distracted me from school which led to more beatings and insults as i was blamed for being the reason my mother couldn’t live a better less stressful life

I also never made friends with anyone until middle school because I was never allowed out I never could do anything but be forced to study or when i turned 8 i began working certain days to bring home income

My life just grew harder with things at home and school not knowing how to fit in society due to being isolated and emotionally scarred from bullying

I grew to make friends and quickly learned how unreliable everyone was and how good everyone else had life and yet they complained about the luxuries i wish i had kids complained their mother forgot to pack their zebra cake when i would sit not 3 seats down unable to afford lunch it made me envious

I worked from age 8 till now currently 17 things though got tougher as i lead to 8th grade and freshman year of high school i still lacked so many social skills and my family treated me as i went through puberty as a monster believing I’d rape my cousins or siblings especially after being caught on porn. I was excluded from the family and i slowly began speaking more on my ideas and who i was to anyone because i never spoke eventually i told my mother i was athiest and that turned into me being “satanist” and a very bad person then came freshman year after family drama

I met a wondeful girl and get this i met her like from a movie in our biology class it first began with awkward stares admiring one another and then we began escalating within a couple months we began dating everything was great I met someone who I understood and i found perfect from body brain to heart I knew I loved her at first sight but i never wanted to allow myself to fall that easy but within a month she told me she loved me and I said it back having been so eager for so long to say it since i met her then she decided she wanted to kill herself I at the time had barely been able to afford a phone because I gave the money to pay the bills and help my mother and didnt have permission to use it for anything except for calls and i was only allowed to keep it from the minute i wake at 6 to 9 pm no matter what so when I got up and i woke up to messages of the person i loved telling me she wanted to kill herself over night last words of those text were I love you and I felt 2 things. I felt my stomach drop, my heart hurt physically for the first time, and i felt as if my world ended because i had been putting everything into her and regret for not having been enough for not having done enough to keep her here ofc i texted her hoping and she replied hour or so later after i sat in the couch crying while numb that led to a deep relationship ofc with issues many being from the outside and we lasted 2 months dating before we broke up and even though broken up we claimed eachother and remained that way for 3 years almost

During those 3 years i lost a total of 13 friends to depression/drugs. I gained a lot of enemies and I was pulled into so much drama without having said a word to those people including between my best friend whom is thankfuly still here by my side yet im slowly losing her

Those 3 years were miserable and then after on and off relationship me and Mia had gotten together one more time thing were going well i was trying my hardest for the last time i wanted her like nothing else I love her but as things got better and we finally for the first time began getting sexual through text or physically I began being torn because of a couple deaths, drama and sadly I fell into believing rumors so i cheated and ruined her for the last time i took things from her and she opened her body to me and trusted me and i broke all that i was a shithead i regret all of it i wish I would’ve held on and not done anything but yea that was most my past now I sit where i pay the bills I work straight after school I work over night get max 4 hours of sleep because my mother got into an car accident that caused her to be arrested for not having a license(cuz shes illegal) ICE so happened to do the same they did to my father but since she has committed no crime and has kids shes going to court but she believes she has no chance I’ve had to put dropping out as an option to be able to support my sibling in their education and to feed them and cloth them and house as well as my grandmother another thing not even a month after my moms accident which also the bail was 18,000 originally it was 5,000 till ICE Got involved um anyways after her accident my grandpa died due to some strokes he had which began in 2012 he went 6 years repeatedly surviving strokes and with only 25% of his heart working he lasted long but it hit me hard because he was the only father figure i had and he showed me how to work in every hard labor possible he set me for life I lost something very valuable then i lost an idol someone who helped me through rough times things since then have gotten worse including my fights the beginning of losing my friend and cousin

My car accident that happened last weekend: omw to work a car intercepted into my lane in front of me causing my to get hit from the side pushed into the apposing side of the 2 lane roads only to be pushed into the middle after the guy who originally hit me got hit from behind I honestly could have died luckily the apposing traffic stopped and avoided me barely anyways my car is wrecked i have no method to reach work so I’m in the verge of losing my home and everything and I’m failing at life I cant keep my grades up with no time to study and i have no sleep so i fall asleep in class not to mention the amount of stress i have from being an adult and the emotional abuse this world decided to put me through my doctors told me to find an outlet or i could have a heart attack soon and same goes for my mother

I’m in ruins and i have no one there usually i had Mia there or Tiffany and my cousin

But now I’m here alone Mia hates me and even though i reached out to her again i doubt she’ll look at it

My best friend is slowly letting go of me because her boyfriend

My cousin is being manipulated by his gf and she’s pushing him away from his family and friends

Someone help please I need more than just this text I can’t do more and i cantgive up