#i cant wait to cry on my mental health walks listening to it

[mimibtsghost7]

Fuck you and all your little brain washed rats sending people hate because you cant take responsibility for your actions!! But go on stay silent like you always do, pretend its nothing of your business, keep being a fetishizing racist delulu like you love to be while pretending to be the best blog on tumblr!!!

NOT like anyone will see this but YOU will so LET’S GOOO!!!~~

TW: mental health and more (if you feel like this can trigger you, pls don’t read this, breathe in and out and listen to this HERE and remember I love you), loads of tea and Mimi NOT being a friendly and kind ghost. 

funny enough: 

I never pretended of said I was the best blog. But I guess the fact that you say it might be because you heard it frequently? Thanks for thinking so^^

I sent hate to no one and u r the one sending it to me rn ^^ In my whole 4 year journey on Tumblr I received a lot of love but also worse hate that you can imagine. Yes you are saying now you are receiving hate ... funny how it’s bad when It’s addressed to you but when it’s at me and my dear followers it is not. Still, I never told anyone to go hate on you. You were the idiot that tagged my old blog and as soon as my blog was gone pple searched me and found out you were the reason behind this. But as you keep hating on me. Let me tell you I am kind but don’t mistake that for me being a coward.

I am not into insulting others and I don’t care much if you insult me. BUT don’t YOU DARE touch my dear followers. Insulting ain’t hard. Let me try: The only rat here is you hiding in your hole as an anon. I went and compared your writing with this ask and previous hate asks. And it was you~ Good for you~ the sewers smell just like your filthy mouth spilling sh*t left and right. So on brand. However, I know who you are @hobisbeautifulass Hi ^^

Me racist? HAHAHAHAH you truly know NOTHING about me nor my ex-blog’s message. It was a place when you were welcomed no matter your skin color, religion, gender ... proof? well it got deleted thanks to you. but ask around this time and search for who reblogged my posts as they were always the top of the tags (even if I don’t trust how bad you are at research). I supported the BLM movement and still do and will always do but I did so veeery early without anyone telling me. Not for the notes but because of my humanity. I wished my dear followers’ happy holidays no matter their religions. And never cared about those things. Why judge someone on something based on religion or how they were born. As for the LGBTQ+ community, I was always and will always be there for love being love. I talked about mental health and opened venting nights. I helped left and right and when I was receiving hate because of people like you spitting lies about me. What did I do? Did I go online and called people bad? No. I looked back at myself and asked myself if I did anything wrong. I tried to educate myself and apologized sincerely when I had to. I read books and watched documentaries to learn how to become a better human. AND never repeated a mistake twice. You tend to forget that our cultures are different and sometimes you grow up to see some things as normal when they are not. This is not an excuse tho, so I always believed that I was lacking and if someone had something to say against me, there is a chance they are right and just in case I should reflect on myself. But for your case it was pure nonsense. ME? a stalker? how can I stalk when I have social anxiety and at that time couldn’t even leave my room? I am even afraid of taking public transportations and just the other days I was crying from joy when I took a taxi alone. they said I was in Japan stalking Jimin and Jungkook and took a pic when I was NEVER EVER was on that land. You put me on the same list as people who bought info about BTS’ flights to be on the same plane as them? I was stalked before and let me tell you it ain’t cute and fun. I am even scared of the idea of being followed. that’s why I never shared openly my age, country, or anything about me on my blog. that’s why I have no personal social media to this day and that’s why making my ex-blog was some sort of miracle in my life. 

Silent? yes I was silent when I received hate and didn’t even vent to my dear followers or pointed fingers. Why? because I thought as my day was hell I shouldn’t make anyone’s day worse. I was worried about my dear followers with mental illnesses being triggered. I tried to take my life so many times I lost count but I still came here and smiled. It was my safe place and you took it away. Yet, I should pity you? You hated on me first for no reason and you know it deep inside but right now you are trying to convince yourself that you are the angel and feel no guilt. Compared to you. I pointed fingers at no one and didn’t name you when my blog was gone. Why? because compared to you, I thought you will not be able to manage the hate and what was done .. I didn’t want you to suffer the same way I did when you are the one who made me suffer the most the past couple of days. But the kind Mimi is someone you will never remember because you dared touch the friends I love and calling them names. I don’t mind people insulting me but don’t you dare touch my people. I know myself best. My dear friends/followers know me best. I thought ... I could leave without this mess but you keep barking in my ask box and it’s annoying. I left this backup account just to talk to my friends and yet you are here to ruin things again? I should stop being kind to the ones who deserve non of it. I ignored you when I had so many followers and you went silent too because you were scared of me. But as soon as I lost my blog because of you, you went, edited and then reblogged that stalker post. How can I be a stalker? do you even know the definition of a stalker? do you even know shame? well .. I don’t think so.. you said it yourself. You are NOT ashamed (and you reblogged that so many time lol). 

Death threats? this is no competition but thanks to people like you I have been there and wish no one to be there not even you. The only difference is that you almost killed me for real. You were not the sole reason? Great job walking away from you beloved word: RESPONSIBILITY. And I didn’t get just anon hate, I got literal tagging by people like you, DMs, and people pointing guns at me. That’s why I didn’t mention you. I was worried about the one who took away what I worked for for 4 YEARS. I was more sad and concerned about the ARMY fandom here. Do you know how many rely on my updates? do you know how many people said I helped them? do you know any of that? do you think 200k people were “rats”? Do you think if I did and say wrong thing I will not be questioned by those people. I always told my dear followers: “friends, if I do or say anything wrong or share anything that hurts anyone please tell me. I am willing to learn from everyone.” But what did you know? what did you do? Well ..  guess you love notes? As the most notes you ever got and the most attention was when talking about me? 

Love how you talk about fetishing when my blog was what people call “family friendly”. I also like BTS. I love them for their music, talent, personalities and the happiness they give me. I also enjoy BTS’ bond and love their interactions. I posted content of all kinds of interactions JM X JK, JK X V, V X JIN, JIN X SG, SG X JH, JH X RM, RM X JM ... If you are calling this fetishing asian men just because I scream over BTS as a fan and love their bonb. Then aren’t you against the idea of being an ARMY? I was a clear OT7 and you were told that you weren’t right: 

 Then you answered this without even explaining the nonsense about me: 

idk .. I am trying to find sense in your nonsense so .. wait wait let me look at the definition of fetishism first. 

Fetishism /ˈfɛtɪʃɪz(ə)m/ noun: a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, activity, part of the body, etc.

Then .. judging from your URL alone hmmm ... cute. I won’t even talk about the SMUT you write that is full of kinks and fetishism. Well I have no problem with fan fiction but the irony you spit is out of this world.

Also, I made money out of mimibtsghost? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH no lil one. I worked day and night for FREE. At some point when BT21 just came out and there were no products on AMAZON or anywhere but S.Korea, someone reached out to me to offer 20% off or something for my dear followers. When they asked what I wanted I said what about international giveaways for my dear followers. Basically, made gifs, found content, updates, analysis, edits, and so on for free. Again, w-wait .. Aren’t you the one asking for commissions? Well .. It’s not wrong. But again THE irony. 

So, I went to see that post you made about me with “PROOF” and it was just another person who was salty as I got them blocked I can’t even recall who they were but oh well. Their arguments according to YOU and many should be taken as FACTS just because they said them?  You said HERE that your first comeback was MOST:7 that came in just last year (2020) SO what the hell do YOU know about what happened years before you came when all the proof you pointed at where baseless without any backing?

Let’s see this so wise person you used to delete my blog and what I have done ^^

The gifs: There is a story to this. The first week I came to Tumblr, It was my first time on this site and the first time I share anything. I shared some content and my analysis had a lot of notes for a small creator that started just a week ago. But I made a mistake, I found a gif and posted it while crediting the gif maker. At the time I had NO idea it was wrong. I logged off and after 5 hours I log in and there was a WAR for that ONE gif. The big blog had me blocked and her friend was telling me to take it off. As soon as the person told me I did IMMEDIATELY and apologized againa and again and told them to tell the original gif maker to deblock me as I want to apologize directly and that they can block me after that. They did and I apologized but they just kept insulting me. Of course it was MY mistake and that’s why I apologized. But for them. for a mere gif (yes I say a mere gif because I made so many gifs and they were used on all platforms but I never thought it was necessary to hate that much on someone like they did to me). That blog was big and had big blog mutuals. Thanks to that, I became someone you do NOT become mutuals with but block and never reblog content from. Without any big mutuals. Without any shoutouts. Only my love for BTS, my dear followers’ support and my hard work.. My blog, became bigger and FAST (I got 10k in less than 6 months after I started) and that brought loads of jealousy and thus more rumors. Even if, I apologized and since then made my own gifs. And I made SO many gifsets that I can’t remember how many there were. What I can recall is at some point I made them daily and many times a day.

Ships Jikook? I posted content of ALL the members interactions. I was here at a time where Jikook stans and Taekook stans where always fighting. BUT I posted about both and even made so many posts to encourage loving all the members and all the interactions. I also used the tags solely used for shipping with other big tags to show that BTS’ interactions are all important and their bond is beutiful. That our fandom shouldn’t hate on a member just because they are not part of a ship we like. And wait .. even if I shipped Jikook? I got called ALL those names by someone who ship the members with readers and write sexual scenes? Like, wait ... I am truly confused. Like, write fanfic and do all you want as long as you hurt no one I guess but why am I getting hurt for doing non of it? Like according to you, the person you should be cancelling is yourself?! I am also not into cancel culture like you so hahah whatever.

Posted stalker pics: well wow the story changes each time. Next thing you will hear that I was the one holding a camera for a member in a Vlive lol. Let me teach you about this update thing I was doing. I follow accounts I trust and that’s how we get info circulating fast. I always do reasearch but sometimes mistakes are made. For example when lately people shared pictures of BTS leaving their virtual concerts and schedules. There was a watermark of a news outlet. Normally we trust those but only later we realized that those people stalked BTS. You clearly can’t know it all. But I still didn’t share many pics related to many events (I will not name those as pple can search them even now because some pple never deleted those). And all big accounts shared many pics then deleted later. This happens all the time but it happened like ONCE for me. However, I am called a stalker for that? 

When Jonghyun passed away ... I don’t even wanna recall that night as the memories just ... when that happened I posted about it and send my condolescences. that post had over 10k notes and was at the top the tag. Why did I do that? I was devastated. Yes, many were but I will talk about me rn: I was suicidal the days before that and one of the songs that I listened to when I was broken where by him. I has been in the kpop world since 2006. And learned about his group since their debut with ‘Replay’. I was never a stan but I still knew of many groups and listened to all the songs I liked. I was very sad when he was gone and ANGRY mostly. Why is this angel leaving? Why is someone like me still here? Why did I not leave instead of him? How much did he suffer? And in the midst I posted a post from twitter that stated how agencies usually put down pple with mental illiness and hide it in the industry. Yes, that was important but NOT at that time. I shouldn’t have posted that and I realized after 5 min of doing so that it was WRONG. So I deleted it FAST but it kept being reblogged and I kept getting hate and people telling me: “Go kill yourself”... the sad part is that I almost did as my answer was “true ... why am I still here?” I apologized and logged off then to this day won’t forget crying at 3 AM while walking outside next to my dad. I was outside as I couldn’t breathe anymore and the idea of seeing the walls of my room was hell. I cried and cried and the teary eyes that my father looked at me with are something I am ashamed of to this day. To add one more thing while I am spilling the beans. I hate learning about someone dying. My grandma passed away sometime before that and it was so shocking to me. and some people came and told me when I was mourning her: Go follow that bitch of grandmother of yours. And for what? At that moment I didn’t think I would live to see the next year but I went to therapy and took medecine that was hurting and made me shake all day just to turn somewhat sane. No one knew tho ... I smiled all day and cried all night.. Even on the blog I fought no one of the ones who hated me. I just blocked them but even that was an insult to them?

Again, you said no one should defend me. Yet, you were ready to fight whoever touched anyone around you. What about changing your URL to beautifulassirony

Also THE hypocrisy. If you are sorry then why are you answering an ask of someone isulting someone you want to apologize to? Just make a post wher you apologize or ignore it from the start?

One more thing but surely not the last. You said you were good with research which you are NOT. So, let me show you what an OG detective ARMY can do. But first, as I was scrolling I saw some of your “work” (let’s not even talk about those gifs) and I am just giving my point of view here: I hate how you painted Namjoon as this horny-idiotic-make-dog. Like I get it it’s a fanfic or Namjoon as a dad but ... Namjoon is such a smart man who is very respectful and ofc he is a human with needs like many but what the hell is this way of portraying a character? Also a character is not cool, amazing, and a strong woman just because they curse and belittle their partner. 

Oh well, only you kept reblogging that as it show 36 reblogs when only 33 as still there when I looked and out of those 13 reblogs are yours? (you might have reblogged it more) but again some people might have liked ... people have different taste ... so ... whatever. 

Let’s continue, shall we ^^. You said you were the victim here when I was the one getting robbed right? How can I believe someone who reblogged the post below and was proud calling themselves an abomination or how the Oxford dictionary defines it:  a thing that causes disgust or loathing. For once you weren’t wrong.

What can you expect from someone who has the “I am not like others” kinda mentality while stating relatable things that everyone goes through?

This is getting pretty long. So to sum this up. You are now telling others that hate is NOt ok and that they should be ashamed of themselves when you yourself is not ashamed of hating on me?

I am not the type that sends anon hate. I might ignore some barking but the past days you came and bite me hard. I face the ones I have to face without fear. I know I am not the bad guy here and I don’t care much what you think about me. Even BTS got haters. This says a lot. BUT do NOT dare talk badely of my dear friends/followers. You said you do research well? Start by deleting the post below that was originally by ME from your blog ... oh how meticulous you are. From your baseless receipts to your twisted logic. Indeed people on the internet can say anything and it will be FACTS. You painted me as the devil and painted yourself as this researcher? What’s next you receiving a Phd in ‘pity me’ after your MBA in lies and irony? Whatever~ 

Whaaatever~ Karma will have upcoming talks with you. No need for you to apologize. I never cared about you and you only got attention using me. But I am not here anymore how will you get that blog running now? Are you gonna add me in a fanfic next? No need for you to send me my appearance fee when you do so~ And no need for you to apologize to me just apologize to you conscience if you have any left.  As for me @hobisbeautifulass​ you are just someone I will forget soon anyway~~ 

And because according to what you said HERE when you described the things you hate about people and I thought that was VERY close to how you treated me. Thus, you might really not stand yourself rn.

Do.Not.Worry. BTS are starting the Love Myself campaign again and just in time for you to jump in (you are good at jumping to conclusions about me so I won’t worry about you). I know you don’t like me or my friends but be sure to love yourself at least ^^ 

You are a Hobi stan? Then learn from Hobi to share some sunshine not bring the storm. Have a good day~

[bluebaby123]

Bitter Taste: Iwaizumi x f/reader Pt. 1

pt. 2 here

THIS IS SO LATE and I’m a fuck up hahahaha (kinda ironic this was 2 weeks late for Mental Health Awareness month) 

I am crediting my girl @kuso-deku for giving me Iwaizumi brain rot to begin with. I am also crediting @gixxie and @idonotagreebitch for helping me talk through my ideas... and crediting @doinmybesthere for the wonderful idea of a mental health awareness collaboration the link is here. PLS READ THE REST OF THE WORKS. Everyone deserves the love.

TW: manipulative male/female relationships, gaslighting?, subtle shit head crap that most men do (don’t worry Iwa is a peach as always tho, it’s Ushijima that’s the problem)

_ 

Iwaizumi stands and stretches in the cinema. The movie had been good, but long, he figured it was a little after midnight. “What’d ya think?” Kuroo asks as they exit the theatre. “I hated the ending…” Oikawa gripes, “I hate endings where everyone just dies.” “You are such a princess Tooru, I swear, it’s a metaphorical ending… did you not catch all the symbolism in the opening credits?” Iwaizumi sighs and turns his phone back on, trying his best to ignore their bickering. Slowly, notification after notification pops up… all from you. He blinks, surprised. You had declined his offer to join him for the film, stating you had previous plans attending a close friend’s birthday.

Iwa opens the messages from you. He sees first the selfies. You look beautiful, extravagant even. Your dress is beautiful, it compliments your figure perfectly with the corseted bodice. It’s white and so is your lace mask. Broad, feathered angel wings rest on your back. Angelic would have been a word he’d used to describe you before, but now, it was confirmed. He wants to keep staring at the photos but Kuroo and Oikawa are starting to become too curious about the contents of his phone. He scrolls and relaxes his face to look more casual. But it’s hard when your intoxicated messages are so darn cute.    

hope the movie is good!

okay so I guess there’s an open bar? Is it my birthday too?

if you wanna come by after the movie I’msure you coul

this partyyyy suckssssssss assssssssss

wish id gon wiht u xx

You are clearly drunk and he laughs to himself before Kuroo peers over his right shoulder. “Well she’s thinking about you at least,” he smirks. Oikawa peers over Iwaizumi’s left shoulder, “ooo play the voice message.” Oikawa taps the message before Iwaizumi can give him an answer.

“Hiiiii Iwaaaaaa, hope you like the moovie and you’re having a good time, cuz I’m having a preetyy good time, they gots free margaritaaass. Okay byeeeee”

The guys laugh and Oikawa presses the next one.

“Hey Iwaaa, I made up a song about you, ready?

Iwaizumi

Doesn’t know what he does- to me…

Sshfhsijknfhahaha I cant remember the rest som’n bout… som’n I dunno. Byeee”

“Okay, Ushi says that I need to say sorry for sending so many…” you pause and then whisper, “drunk messages, but I’as only tellin’ ya I ssink ‘r awesome ‘n you should totally come to this party and hang out with me… you’re awesome, okay byeee”

Oikawa and Kuroo pause and look at Iwaizumi. “Ushi?” Oikawa asks, “like Ushiwaka?” Oikawa’s eyes are narrowed and he gags dramatically in disgust. Iwaizumi nods and walks to exit the theatre. “Wait… that’s her friend who’s having the birthday party?” Iwa grimaces as Kuroo chuckles. “No wonder you’ve had a stick up your ass all night.” Iwa glares at him, “they’re just friends… apparently… I don’t know, she said they’ve known each other for a really long time…” Kuroo claps Iwaizumi on the back. “I think you should definitely go to the party.” Iwaizumi starts to object but the ring of his phone draws attention, and he answers it. “Heyyy you're outta th’moviee, heheeheheha,” you slur. Iwaizumi laughs softly and smiles, “yeah, I’m out of the movie now, are you… good?” There is so much background noise, it almost drowns out your sweet sleepy voice. “I’m soooo good… … I just-” he can hear your voice drop to a drunken whisper. “I’z just hoping to see you today,” you mumble finally.  

Iwaizumi can feel his heartbeat quicken, his head reeling. “Oh really?” He plays cool but then instantly regrets it when you give him a serious answer. “Yeah, I was really hoping you’d come to the party, even for just a little,” you murmur. Iwaizumi can’t help but chuckle. You were pretty cute like this, not normally so transparent. You were actually quite hard to read, so sweet but guarded and teasing too. You were a friend of Oikawa’s first and he had met you through him. He’d liked the way you sat cross legged on the couch smiling, chin in your hands while you asked questions and listened to his answers. Your eyes sparkle when you hear something you like, and your face lights up when you talk about things you find interesting.

“Ya don’t have to, I can just see ya another time,” you add. He’s been silent too long which causes him to speak without thinking. “No, I’d love to see you, I’ll head to you now.” Kuroo and Oikawa are silently cheering him on and Iwa turns away in embarrassment. “Really? Okay! I’ll drop my pin… as the kids are sayin’ these days hahaha.” “See you soon, drink some water okay?” “Mhm, I will, see ya soon!”

You were at a club owned by Ushijima’s family. A place called ‘Eagle’s Nest’. He’d only known you for a few weeks but he couldn’t help his infatuation. It was immediate, the night he had gone to Oikawas for game night. You spoke to him so easily not knowing him at all and laughed at his little side jabs to his long time friend. The way you looked at him… Iwa knew then that he wanted to see you smile, hear your laugh, and that he would be happy to assume the responsibility of making that happen.

He was surprised when you had declined his offer for the movie, feeling that you both had some definite chemistry, but Iwaizumi was even more surprised when you had said that you had prior plans with his old time rival Ushijima Wakatoshi. Iwaizumi hadn’t seen him since high school but they knew a few people in common, Oikawa being one of those people. Oikawa could sure hold a grudge but Iwaizumi took all of his comments with a grain of salt. Ushijima often came off entitled and cold, which would leave Iwaizumi with a bad taste in his mouth. Maybe Oikawa had the right idea holding a grudge… But grudge or not he wanted to see you, hear your voice and admire you all dolled up.

When Iwaizumi arrives at the club he is met with a large security guard. “Invitation?” he grumbles. Iwa remains calm but a small trickle of fear runs down his back. Iwaizumi gives the guard a casual smile before he starts to answer but he is interrupted. “Iwaaaaa,” you cry from the top of the stairs. The mask you’d had on is now resting on top of your head, the delicate features of your face now exposed. The floofy skirt of your dress bounces with your excitement as you run down the stairs. You crash into him, throwing your arms around his neck. You bury your face in his collar and still momentarily. Drunk and bubbly, you melt when Iwa wraps his arms around your waist in return, avoiding your costume’s wings. “Mmmm,” you hum, breath hot against his skin, “you smell good.” You pull back and stare into his wide eyes. “You look incredible,” he offers, a slight pink tint to his cheeks. You grin in return and simply take hold of his hand. “He’s with me,” you beam at the guard. Iwaizumi is doubtful this trick will work here. But he is surprised when the guard steps aside saying, “as you wish Miss L/N.” You giggle and pull Iwa towards the doors. “I’ll bring you some cake later, okay Jurou?” Jurou laughs, “just have fun darlin’.” “You’re the best,” you call behind you as you push open the doors. Iwaizumi can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy knowing that you are on a first name basis with one of the body guards at the Wakatoshi’s club. How close were you with Ushijima?    

Blue and purple lights illuminate the vast space while black tiles make up the main floor. The dance floor is sunken, in the middle of the club with a small set of stairs leading down to it. It’s made entirely of glass, beneath is a saltwater garden of different plants and coral.  

“You’ll need one of these,” you explain, swiping a simple black mask from the welcome table. You hand it over to him and pull yours down over your eyes. Iwaizumi adjusts it to where he can see. “You look so handsome,” you admire. He grins, “what about you? You’ve got wings!” You laugh and adjust your mask back on top of your forehead. “I’m a swan, and Ushi said I couldn’t be a swan without wings!” You spin for him, trying your best to flap the feathered wings. Small pieces of confetti glitter rain from the skirt of your dress. Iwaizumi takes in your face illuminated by the lights of the club. Blue and pink dancing over your cheeks as you smile up at him. “What?” you giggle nervously. Just a few weeks but he is mesmerised by your everything. He shakes his head and tries to move on. He wanted to tell you how he felt but this wasn’t the right time. It should be when you’re sober, when you can take in his words properly.

You coax him down towards the bar.  “You’re sure it’s okay to sneak in uninvited guests?” Iwa questions. “Well, I asked Ushi ‘nd he said it was okay, so yeah!” You grin but notice Iwaizumi’s reserve. “It’s really okay, I promise, let’s just get a drink,” you suggest and take his hand. “Only if you drink more water,” he smirks. You roll your eyes at Iwa, “I drank some water before you got here actually.” You look back at him as you both head down to the bar. “I’ll prolly regret that yurr seeing me like this tamorow, ya know,” you call over the blaring music. “It’s cute, you’re cute,” he assures as he leans against the bar, “I didn’t know you thought about me this much until I saw all the snapchats and voice messages and texts.” You cover your face in humiliation, “I knowww, I’m sorry but you were on my mind a lot, alot alot, and  couldn’t stop think about ya, and the booze told me to keep on messaging…” You trail off,  finding the last shred of your filter to keep you from talking.  The bartender hands you your water and you take a long drink.

“Iwaizumi,” a voice projects over the baseline. Ushijima stands tall advancing towards where you both stand. His expression is neutral though, his eyes keep darting to you and then back to Iwaizumi. Ushijima is dressed as a knight, his silver mask hangs languidly around his neck. “Ushiwaka,” Iwa acknowledges, “this is a hell of a birthday party.” You giggle and point at Ushiwaka, “he’s 28 today; getting sooo old.” In that moment, Iwaizumi watches him do something he had never seen him do before. Smile… and then laugh. Ushijima wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you closer.  “You’re just a baby,  you’re only-” You wave your hand in front of Ushiwaka’s face, shushing him. “No, no, Iwa doesn’t knowww, don’t tell him,” you plead. “She’s only 23,” Ushiwaka says. You hold your face in your hands once more and groan. Ushijima pulls your hands from your face, “just barely twenty three too.” You glare at him and look back at Iwaizumi embarrassed.  “Did she not tell you her age?” Ushijima asks Iwaizumi. Iwa shrugs, “She didn’t, but I never asked,” Iwa shrugs casually, addressing you now, “didn’t seem important since you carry yourself so well.”

You turn to Iwa, mouth open like you’re about to respond but Ushijima swipes the glass from your hands before you can finish. “Drinking water?” You look up at him. “But it’s my birthday… and this is a party…  you need something stronger…” Ushijima beacons the bartender with a single flick of his hand. The barman pours three double shots of a clear liquid from a foreign looking bottle. Ushijima takes a glass and hands it to you, before handing another to Iwaizumi. Ushijima gives him a wink as he loops his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. He raises his glass, the violet lights illuminating the liquid. Iwaizumi follows his lead. “To my Juliet, the belle of the ball,” Ushijima bellows. You smile slightly and shake your head. “No no, to you Ushi, it’s your birthday, not mine, we are celebrating you!” Your eyes find Iwa’s, but you leave your glass raised. Ushijima grabs hold of your hand that’s still wrapped around the glass. “Cheers,” He tips the glass towards your lips and you swallow the clear liquor as he feeds it to you. You down it all in one go and Ushiwaka smiles wide once again. “She’s good, huh?” With that, Ushiwaka clinks his glass to Iwaizumi’s, “to you brother,” he assures. Iwa is surprised with the sudden sentiment. “And to you,” he replies before downing the shot. The liquor is surprisingly smooth, expensive, and strong. Iwa can feel his head starting to get light from the small portion that was in the glass and Iwa wasn’t a light weight. “Strong huh?” Ushijima smirks. Iwaizumi nods then turns to the bartender to signal for a water.

Ushijima turns to where you stand swaying slightly with the music. “Look at her, she gets drunk so easily,” Ushijima smiles. “How are you feeling, princess?” he shouts over at you. Iwa turns away and downs his water in disgust. ‘Princess?’ Ushijima shouldn’t be calling you that if you’re both just friends. You blink and give him a smile and a thumbs up. There was a natural innocence about you, a childlike wonder and curiosity, the embodiment of sanguine. Ushijima’s air was sometimes sinister, like he was taking advantage of your natural trusting nature. Iwa watches as Ushijima’s large hands rest on either of your shoulders and he pushes you back and forth like a pendulum between his palms. You giggle and try to push him away, “Ushi stooopp.” He laughs with you and continues pushing you around, “you’re so cute and small though, see?” He places a hand on top of your head and you still. “I said to stop,” you mumble. “And I did,” he retorts before letting you go.

Iwa watches the sudden weight of gravity find you as you stumble in your heels. He catches your arm just in time. Your arms find their way around his neck once more, your face in the crook of his neck. You pull away and Iwa examines your foggy eyes. “You okay?” You nod, pushing off of Iwa’s chest. You fix your hair, “it’s fine, he just messin’” you turn to Ushijima, “and someone doesn’t know when to quit.” You’re pulled away into Ushiwaka’s arms. He sways you back and forth, your back held against his chest while he says soft apologies. He whispers something to you and you nod. Iwaizumi wanted to pull you away from him. Not because he was jealous, but because the way that Ushiwaka was behaving with you was odd.

“Y/n is a little bit tired, why don’t you join us in VIP?” Iwa smiles and gives his thanks, trying his best to hide his scowl. Iwa follows after you and Ushiwaka, upstairs and under velvet ropes hoping that he will find a good moment to pull you away. But instead you are pulled onto the couch beside Ushiwaka. He lights a cigar and offers one to Iwa, but Iwaizumi declines with a simple, “no thanks, don’t smoke.” It’s strange the way that Ushiwaka keeps whispering in your ear, giving you sips of his drinks, and blowing smoke in your face. “Ushi, stop please, the smell is making me sick,” you whine. But he just pulls you closer to him, chuckling all the while and does it again. You’re laughing and poking his face, but it’s not out of joy... Watching Ushijima interact with you the whole night has been like watching a cat toy with a mouse.

Iwa grimaces when Ushiwaka tickles you. “Stop-stop-don’t-stop,” you giggle and howl. “She said to stop!” Iwa raises his voice. Ushijima’s eyes shoot towards Iwaizumi while you squirm off the couch. Your eyes are heavy as you walk towards a dark hallway and disappear into the shadows. Iwa’s eyes flick to the entrance to the hall. Ushiwaka sits in a contented silence, sipping a drink, “she’s so dramatic,” he sighs. He continues smoking, arm rested over the back of the purple velvet sofa. Ushijima takes a sip of his drink, swirling the ice in his glass. Iwa doesn’t move to break the silence no matter how expectant Ushijima’s expression was. He stamps out his cigar in the tray before addressing him.

“She’s awfully talkative, and incredibly fond of you…” Ushijima starts, an odd smirk painting his expression. Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow in intrigue and Ushijima’s face hardens. “She won’t shut up about you since she met you… it’s annoying...” Iwaizumi, remains quiet, the silence settling over the men like a thick fog. The only sounds are muffled club music and the ice tinkling against Ushijima’s glass. “I’m going to be honest as a friend… bad idea.” Iwaizumi can feel the rage bubbling inside his gut, “I don’t think that what’s going on between us is any of your-” He’s cut off by Ushijima.

“I’m really looking out for you Iwaizumi, girls can break hearts and Y/n is kind of known for that… she’s just a sweet soul, makes friends easily, but love? That’s harder for her… doesn’t have the best taste in men I’m afraid, I want to protect her and you from a situation where I can already see the conclusion… I get that you like her, everyone does.”  Iwazumi leans forward, “does that include you?” Ushijima is stone faced, then gives a cold laugh. “You’re funnier than I remember, Iwaizumi.”

Iwaizumi rises and heads towards the hall you disappeared down. If he sat in front of him any longer he was going to say something he regretted… and you still haven’t come back. He slips into the dark hallway as you’re exiting the bathroom. Your mask has been removed and even in the dim lighting you look pale. “Hey, what’s happened?” You look up at him embarrassed, your dress almost as wilted as you are. “Got sick…” you mutter. You’re shaking slightly, arms wrapped around yourself. “Oh Y/n, are you alright?” he sighs. His arm starts to reach for you but he thinks better of it, pulling it back to rest by his side. His eyes widen as he feels the warmth of your hand in his. He didn’t figure that you would want to be touched right now. But your fingers interlace with his,  your skin soft. “Are you good to drive?” you whisper. His hand instinctively tightens around yours protectively. “I only had whatever Ushijima gave us, it was strong but I’ve had water- yeah I’m good.” “Would you mind taking me home?” you ask, as you start to walk back towards the VIP room. “Sure, course,” Iwaizumi replies gently. He feels how your thumb brushes over the back of his hand in silent gratitude. The gesture has his heart beating hard against his ribs. Iwa walks forward, his eyes on you and nothing else. Your brow is furrowed and your expression painted serious which was unusual from how he knew you to act.

“Iwa’s taking me home now,” you announce and walk towards the stairs. Ushiwaka’s face hardens, “I can take her home, you shouldn’t trouble yourself,” he addresses Iwaizumi. You smile and turn around facing Ushiwaka. “But Ushi, ‘s ur birthday, you can’t leave this party jus’ ‘a take me home,” You turn to Iwa now. “Let’s go,” you say and Iwa nods, still holding your hand.  “Where’s my hug, princess?” Ushijima calls after you. You stop in your tracks and close your eyes, taking in a deep breath. You drop Iwa’s hand slowly, hesitantly. You walk back slowly and stand before his open arms. He lifts you and you groan. You’re still hugging him tightly but not quite with the same intimacy as before.

As Ushijima places you down you turn to look back at Iwa when Ushijima catches your face with his large hand. He coaxes your face back towards him then leans down. Ushiwaka locks eyes with Iwaizumi as he whispers something in your ear. Then he presses his lips to your cheek, still not moving his eyes away from Iwaizumi’s. Iwa tries his best to remain neutral but he can feel his lip creeping upwards in contempt. Ushiwaka is too prideful for his own good it seems.

You take Iwa’s hand again, leading him towards the exit. An exasperated look rests on your face. “What did he say to you?” Iwa asks. You sigh and shake your head. “‘S nothin’,  ya shouldn’t worry your pretty lil head ‘bout it.” Iwa can’t help but allow a smile. He raises an eyebrow at you, “think my head is pretty?” he asks. He’s met with your hazy gaze, “I do,” you say simply. Iwa wasn’t prepared for such a straightforward answer to his question.

Once out of the club, the valet pull Iwaizumi’s car around. He’s careful not to let you walk too far on your own. Sick, in those ridiculous shoes and still quite drunk, he opens the car door for you before hopping into the driver's seat. “Will you put your address in?” Iwa hands you his phone and you type it in as asked. “Thanks for doing this,” you sigh. “Yeah of course,” he says as he puts the car into gear. A few streets of city light pass by in silence. Your hands are resting in your lap but your body is still trembling. “I can- umm- pull over if you need me to…” You wave the thought away with your hand, “it was the smell of the cigar more than anything…” Iwa’s gut begins to boil again. Your voice is soft, almost defeated. He speaks before thinking better of it. “Does he always treat you like that?” You look at Iwa and make eye contact briefly before his attention is back on the road. “He was being a little extra weird today, maybe because y’all used to play volleyball together or… I dunno really, he just gets like that sometimes…” You trail off, allowing your thoughts to fade into the rearview. The silence is deafening and you feel the need to break it. “He’s really nice too though, don’t get me wrong, he cooks for me and calls to check in, he even gets me little gifts, so I know he cares.” Iwa shakes his head, “if he cared he would have stopped when you asked him to.” You take a breath, “I know but he was just having a night I guess…” Iwa pulls into your driveway as the GPS notifies him that he has ‘arrived at the destination’. He puts the car in park, “you don’t have to make excuses for him… it’s okay to be angry, if that’s how you feel.” You start to open the door, your fingers on the handle. “I’m not angry though, I’m just kinda hurt.” You open the door and start to get out, “okay, maybe a little angry too.” You laugh to yourself but not out of joy. It’s an ironic laugh and Iwa can hear the pain ringing inside of it. “Let me walk you inside.”  

[castiels-majestic-wings]

Sixth Sense - Chapter 3

Paring: Loki x Female!Reader

Word Count: 2,255

Warnings: Accidental violence/injury. Mental health (Loki).

Posted: 03/01/2021

Odin wasn’t particularly fond of you staying in Asgard. But you had insisted to keep a close eye on Loki. You had told him it was to make sure the darkness didn’t get stronger. But there was something else, after reading him so deeply, so intimately. Something changed. You no longer feared him, but you felt as if you wanted to save him. You needed to save him. From his thoughts, from the entity that harmed him before his forced attack on Earth. You knew he was tortured before his attack, you saw the footage, keeping tabs on what was happening during the battle. But now, you just felt worse. He thought he was the very monster his father despised. He had been lied to his whole life, even by his mother- whom he trusted the most.

Getting lost in your thoughts you didn’t hear Thor entering the room. He was worried for you, he had seen you read auras before but you had never acted like this afterwards. He hoped he hadn’t caused you harm letting you come here. He stared at your figure for a moment. You were facing away from him but your facial features seemed stressed and concerned. Your eyes were narrowed, facing the ground. Your right hand rested on your face while your left draped over your knees. You were unmoving. Completely still until you felt something and your head jerked up and your eyes met Thors. Your eyes narrowed, you had never sensed someone’s presence before. Was your being here helping you tap into your powers. The endless possibilities of being in a magic realm, would that make you more powerful, dangerous?

“Thor- I didn’t hear you come in.”

“You seemed deep in thought” You couldn’t tell him about Loki if he knew his feelings- from what you understood- it would break him.

“Yes, I think my pow- my abilities, I think they’re evolving” It wasn’t exactly a lie. But not the whole truth of what was on your mind.

“Evolving? How so?”

“Before I could only read auras. But now, I can sense them. Not straight away obviously. But what if- what if being here, is making me more powerful? Compared to earth, this realm is one of magic.” You stated, wanting his opinion on the matter.

“It’s possible. So you could sense my presence without knowing I was there?”

“Yes, and-”

“And?”

“And- and I feel a connection- to Loki I mean. I had never read that deep into someone. I felt like his therapist, but it’s more than that. A man like that, he wouldn’t willingly let me read his emotions. But I still felt them. I cant tell emotions from peoples auras, Thor. But with Loki. I did. Is it my being here? “

“We need to tell my father about this” Thor turned to leave but you grabbed his arm holding him back from walking further.

“Don’t. Don’t tell him yet. He doesn’t trust me, not yet. Wait until I gain his trust, then you can tell him” Thor turned to face you again, as your arms fell to your side.

“What if being here causes you harm, Y/N?”

“And what if it doesn’t? If Odin finds out- He will banish me from Asgard for eternity. Thor, trust me on this. There are things you don’t know, about Loki, about your father. Thor, please. Give me a month.”

“One month. No more, no less.”

“Yes! Thank you, Thor” You pulled him into a hug in which he accepted. After pulling away you knew you had to ask Loki about it. You began walking and Thor automatically followed- being you protector here. You memorised the way to the prisons, once Thor had realised your destination he held a hand out in front of you stopping you.

“Are you sure this is wise?” He looked down at your smaller form, concern filling his eyes.

“His speciality is magic, who else could I ask about this?” He frowned, knowing he was the only one that you could ask for answers. A sigh escaped his lips, lowering his hand, letting you continue. Once in the prison you had asked the guards to leave, they denied until Thor had ordered them to. Loki looked up confused with your visit. Sitting up from his laying position on the bed he was given.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” His voice was dull. He knew there was no point in being strong around you, you could read him as easily as the books he reads.

“I have a question, related to magic.” His eyebrows perked in curiosity.

“Magic? Well, you’ve come to the right place.”

“My abilities are evolving. I assume it’s my being here. I can now, not only read auras but sense them. And I think they’re still growing.”

“Well, this is the realm of magic, my dear. There are endless possibilities for the reasoning of your growth. But I would say your assumption is correct.”

“Would I be in any danger being here? Will my body be able to handle the change in my abilities.”

“That all depends on you. If you’re strong enough to sustain it, you will be fine. But if not, there is a certain danger to it.”

“Thor let me into the cell. I need to test something”

“Are you sure? He just said it’s dangerous”

“Only if I can’t handle it. I’ll stop before any permanent damage is done. Don’t worry so much. I’m stronger than I look.” Thor was hesitant but complied. Loki didn’t make a move to hurt you even with Thor on the outside. You sat in from of Loki with a chair, much like last time.

“Look, I’ve never done this before so if it hurts I’m sorry.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Just relax” You placed your fingers on his temples gently, closing your eyes. You tried to concentrate on him, his pain. You wanted to understand him more. Then you saw the tesseract and a purple titan with a deceiving smile. A tear rolled down your cheek as you searched for the cause of his pain. You saw auras within his memories. Those of his adopted family in happy memories turned sour. He believed his life was a lie. He didn’t want to love anymore, in fear he would get hurt again. He-.

You were brought back to reality, your hands were no longer on Loki’s temple but within his hands. You had caused him pain. Making him relive those memories. Thor had entered the room at this point. You still didn’t notice the tear on your cheek until Loki wiped it away.

“How- how did I see that?”

“That I’m not entirely sure of. It seems you hold abilities even more than you already possess”

“But I read auras, not emotions and memories.”

“I’m afraid you might be wrong there.”

“You are not doing that again” Thor demanded, voice deep.

“Why not? This would be the best way to heal your brother”

“Y/N you screamed as you cried. I do not think its best for you to continue. I shall call Stark and-”

“No! I- I need to continue”

“Y/N it will harm you”

“No, you don’t understand. I need to continue Thor. Not only am I helping Loki, but I’m expanding my knowledge of my powers. Who knows what other abilities I possess.” Excitement and urgency filled your tone, making Thor rethink his decisions. Was it wise to keep you here, letting you continue? Without his father’s knowledge? What was he thinking? He trusted you. He had to let you do this. You know the dangers, yet still want to continue, who was he to deny that.

“I shall not stop you if this is the path you choose. You cannot stop. You must continue forward until the very end” He lectured you as if you were entering battle.

“I know. But I trust my gut, Thor. This is something I have to do. There are no choices in this, no decisions that will change my mind. Its something I know that must be done” Thor nodded saying nothing more. You turned your attention back to Loki. He stayed silent, knowing exactly what you saw.

“Thor, leave us. Can you mute the cell? The barrier would have that ability I assume?” Thor huffed but nodded, answering your question as he left. He gave a thumbs up showing that he could no longer hear you, but you had to check. You knew what he was like. You turned and yelled.

“Thor is a giant asshole with an ego bigger than Tony!” Thor didn’t budge, but Loki stifled a laugh. You turned towards him and let out a giggle yourself.

“I had to check. He’s not very fond of us being alone together. Even if he can see us, he thinks you’ll manipulate me if he cant hear us.”

“And what makes you think I won’t.” He tried to shield himself again, going back to his trickster persona.

“I’ve seen your pain, your memories, Loki. You don’t have to hide anymore. Not with me. You hold no hatred for attacking my planet. I know you had no choice. That thing. The purple titan. He forced you to do it. I know you're not the monster they think you are.” You held his hand in a comforting way. Letting him know that he could trust you. His eyes searched yours for deceit. Anything that would show him that you would betray him like the rest of them. But he found nothing. He began to break.

“I didn’t want to do it. I thought I killed Thor. And I hated it. But I had to prove to him- to Thanos-”

“His name is Thanos?” His eyes shut briefly as he sighed.

“Yes. I had to prove my loyalty. He tortured me after he saved me. He needed me. The god presumed dead by his brother. No one would see me coming.” You nodded your head, listening to every word diligently. He poured his heart out, for the first time in his life. He was vulnerable. He told a Midgardian everything that was eating at his conscious. And during that whole ordeal, you didn’t say a word. You let him vent. It seemed as though you were a therapist of some kind to him. Once he stopped, he noticed your tears. You felt empathy, for him. No one had cared enough to ever listen to his words. But now, here you were, sat in front of him, crying. He didn’t know what to feel.

Thor was stood outside Loki’s cell the whole time. Not being able to hear a word. He saw that Loki was the only one speaking. He feared that Loki was trying to manipulate you, he went to interrupt before he saw your hand signalling him to calm down. You sensed his tension. You had to let him know you were okay. Loki wouldn’t open up if Thor interrupted. But when Loki stopped speaking and Thor saw your lips move, with tears in your eyes. He couldn’t take it anymore. He burst into the cell. You stood in defence at the sudden sound.

“What did you say to her Loki?!” Thor had misread the situation. You had to calm him down. You walked towards him, putting your hands up to try and calm him.

“Thor, I’m fine. He didn’t do anything” Thor barged passed you and went to punch Loki but you jumped in front of him taking the hit. You grunted as the force threw you to the wall. Thor pulled back, seeing your figure leaning against the wall. He resented himself for striking you, even if it was by accident. You looked up, holding your waist. The force you hit the wall at caused some more physical damage than the broken and bloody nose. Your other hand made it up to your nose to examine the damage. With the force of a god, you were lucky you were still conscious. Loki had come to your aid, helping you up while Thor was frozen, unable to believe his actions.

“Are you alright?” Loki’s voice showed concern. You kept hold of Loki’s shoulders to keep your balance. The thumping in your head didn’t stop you from yelling.

“You idiot! Thor, when will you learn that your actions have consequences! Stop and listen before attacking someone. It will get you out of so many unnecessary situations!” You removed your hand from your waist, placing it on your head. The shouting had made it worse.

“Damn it, Thor. I told you to trust me.”

“You were crying what was I suppose-”

“I was crying because he told me everything! I got so sad thinking ‘How could he live like that? How did he last so long?’ I cried because I have empathy, Thor.”

“I’m so sorry Y/N I-”

“Save it. I’m not mad. Just hurt.” You groaned in pain as you shifted your weight.

“Let me take you to a healer” Thor’s hands reached out to help you.

“Fine.” You removed your arm from Loki’s shoulders as Thor placed a hand under your knees, and the other on the small of your back before he lifted you. You looked at Loki and saw how hurt he was of your pain. He wanted to take you himself and check on you whenever he could. But as a prisoner, he wasn’t granted that freedom.

Taglist: @lovermrjokerr @lord-byron @lucywrites02 @violetica

[moon-nymphet]

♡ Haikyuu!! comforting you when you are down headcanons ♡

hii so I’ve been feeling a bit down lately (I’m better now ♡) I wanted to write something fluffly even though it isn’t a request, I hope you enjoy this 

☆ Daichi

checking on your mental health every now and then, he’s so caring and worries a lot about something happening to you��

if you got a problem the first thing Dadchi will do is giving you your time if you are not feeling like talking about it in that moment

always analyzing the problem from an objective point of view and trying to be the most sincere he can without hurting your feelings 

in an extreme case in which the problem has no solution, Daichi will be the best at making you feel better

this man knows the exact words to calm you down and is super supportive with you 

he’ll just hold you between his arms and let you cry it out if you need it while he strokes your hair and whispers sweet things to you

it makes him extremely sad to see you cry (to the point in which he’ll almost cry too) but he knows that sometimes it’s the only thing that can make us feel better

no doubt Daichi will stay the night with you if he sees you are not in the right condition for letting you alone, and he’ll do it with pleasure

worries a lot and tries to make you eat and keep your hygiene as a regular day 

“I know this is a hard time y/n, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you, whatever you need, nothing is too much when it comes to you love” he said holding your hands and looking at you

yes, hearing Daichi say those words made you cry again, but this time it wasn’t sadness, it was just that his words touched your heart like nothing had before 

☆ Kenma 

it’s pretty obvious but the little cat is not the best at words and expressing feelings, of course he doesn’t do it on purpose

but he still has his little heart with his feelings inside you know 

when you feel bad you can see Kenma doing a great effort to show you how much he cares 

the moment you less expect it, you’ll notice his arms wrapping around you in a soft and sweet hug 

the dark cloud you had in your head seems to clear a bit for a while 

his eyes closed and his forehead against yours (this is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen)

Kenma will completely forget about his videogames during the time you are feeling that way, he’ll only pay attention to you 

he’s so nervous and worried about you and you will see him checking on you more often that you think 

even if it’s just a little “hey y/n, you okay?” as he shows up in the door frame for a sec 

little babey is so pure and doesn’t want to overwhelm you by constantly asking so he just observes without approaching a lot of times, but you are aware of this so you feel thankful anyway

“y/n... I just wanted to tell you a thing” you hear Kenma’s shy voice

“what is it?”

“i-i love... I love you, so please let me take care of you...” 

your heart melting at his words, there’s no need to ask twice, you’d let him do anything he wanted with you 

☆ Oikawa

i’m sorry to say this but he’s not the best at guessing people’s feelings because he’s a cocky ass ??? 

you’ll have to tell him when you are not feeling well unless it’s obvious enough for Toruu to notice himself 

but he really tries to figure out what is happening to you and to look for a solution together

not the best at comforting words and advice, but Oikawa will give his best to cheer you up 

either by being the goofy ass he is, or by surprising you with something you wanted for a long time 

despite of all that of course he has a soft and sweet side which will make him stay by your side 24/7

this is so sweet from him, Toruu tries to talk to your friends and ask them to plan something along with him to make you feel better and surprise you 

despite of his self-centered personality he cares more about you than he does about himself and it breaks his heart to see you suffering and feel powerless about it

can blame himself sometimes if you don’t improve in a short period of time, but he won’t mention it because he doesn’t want to make you feel even worse 

long and warm hugs before he leaves your house (if he ever leaves because that’s going to be difficult...), and lot of texts when he’s not around to make sure you are okay 

“hey babe, this is all going to be over soon, okay? I’m always gonna be by your side despite of my shitty skills in comforting...” he says lifting your chin up for you to look at him before plating a sweet kiss on your lips 

☆ Sugawara

definitely the best at comforting he’s mother of seven teenager boys what else could you expect

he seems to have a radar for detecting when you are feeling down (or maybe he just knows you so well...)

you literally cannot hide it from him and you already know that, so it useless to tell him that nothing is wrong when there actually is something wrong

Suga handles it in such a mature way, you won’t see him getting nervous if he notices you are not doing well 

“let’s leave y/n, you need to rest now” he’ll say if you are somewhere, just taking your hand and walking towards your house

already at home, Koushi will prepare tea for you and cuddle with you on the couch quietly until you are more calmed 

“wanna talk about it honey?” his thumb caressing your cheek as his eyes are fixed in your face

in case you feel like talking, Suga’ll listen to you quietly, waiting for you to end to give you his opinion and advice 

but if you don’t he’ll be completly okay with it and will limit himself to comfort you

he’ll most likely take you to bed and snuggle up to you, tickling and caressing every inch of your body with his soft hands and pecking your face occasionally 

“I love you endlessly y/n, you cant count on me anytime you need me, and it’s going to be this way forever baby”

[joannie95]

Before You Go

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader platonic Steve Rogers x Reader platonic 

Summary:  Sometimes all you need is for someone to ask “are you okay?”

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: Talk of depression and mental health, talk of death, angst 

A/N:I actually wrote something its some sort of miracle. seriously though im sorry for not updating legacy, work has gotten very stressful lately and that has been my main focus. Ill try to write more but I cant make any promises and I hope this story makes up for it.

A/N; This story was inspired by before you go by Lewis Capaldi. This story means a lot to me because at one point in my life I have had thoughts similar to the ones i wrote about. Thank you to @mo320 for proofreading 

Bucky's pov

"I hate her"

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. Why did she have to leave, why couldn't she just tell me what was wrong instead she decided to leave me."

"Bucky are you listening to yourself right now? You're making this about you, you're not mad that she left you're mad that you didn't see what was going on with her."

Maybe Steve had a point. She always seemed so happy and I was so preoccupied with what was happening in my life that I didn't see that she was hurting.

Y/N's pov

You looked at your reflection in the mirror and tried to compose and make yourself presentable for the day. You can feel that you're dying inside, you feel like you'd be a burden on your friends if they knew how you felt so all the hurt and all the pain is being pushed down for you to deal with on your own. You are brought back to reality when you hear a knock at the door, you wipe away the tears you didn't notice had fallen.

You walk to your front door but before opening it you put on your most believable smile. As soon as the door is open your best friend Bucky walks in with a bag of takeout in his hand. 

He places the bag on your coffee table and slumps down on your couch. "She was supposed to be the one, we could have been so happy together but instead I find her kissing some random guy."

You walk over to the couch and sit next to him, he lays his head on your lap and you run your fingers through his hair and chuckle. "Quit being dramatic, you went on 3 dates and she told you it wasn't serious. And that "random" guy was her ex, they broke up a month ago and we all knew they were bound to get back together once they got their heads out of their ass."

He sits back up and places his head on your shoulder as you lightly stroke his arm. "Yeah i know, it's nice to dream though."

You sit up and look at him. "Come on no moping, let's eat, get drunk and watch movies all night. What do you say?"

He laughs at your eagerness. "Alright fine." He picks up the remote and finds a movie. "you're always so happy and make everything better, how do you do it?"

A lot of practice you think to yourself. You smile and hope he believes this false front you're putting up.

You spent your day off at home, you tried so hard not to let your thoughts get to you. But once again you failed, you're a failure you couldn't even manage to get out of bed. What's the point of trying anymore if you'll never be good enough. The ringing next to you brings you back to reality, you see Bucky's name on the screen and answer hoping the cheery tone in your voice is enough to make him think you're fine. "Hey Buck, what's up? 

"Nothing much really, long day at work and I just want to forget it. I was wondering if you wanted to go out to a bar tonight." 

You hesitated, not really feeling up for human interaction at the moment. "I don't know, I'm kinda tired. I've been cleaning all day."

"Please y/n, it's been a long day and I just want to hangout with my best friend and have a fun night."

You don't want to but if you say no then maybe he'll find other friends that do want to go out and have fun. Then you'll be alone but maybe you deserve to be alone, maybe...

"Y/N. So what do you say?'

You let out a breath. "Yeah why not."

"Awesome you're the best. I'll pick you up in an hour."

You force yourself out of bed and make yourself presentable enough so you don't embarrass Bucky. 

You and Bucky have been at the bar for nearly an hour. The night started out well, you let him lead the conversation and kept a smile on your face but you're noticing his attention is elsewhere. "Bucky, did you hear me?"

"What?" He turns back to you quickly. "Yeah you were saying?"

"I asked if you're alright, you seem distracted."

He looked towards the other side of the bar before bringing his attention back to you. "I'll be right back."

Before you had time to object he was gone. You saw him walking towards a tall blond with bright green eyes. Of course, she was gorgeous and you were well, just you. He was probably embarrassed to be seen with you. You pulled your shoulders in wishing you were invisible.

About 15 minutes later Bucky came walking back with a big smile on his face. "Hey doll I hope it's alright but i'm gonna head out." He looked back at the girl a few feet behind him. "Will you be alright getting home?"

You tried not to look disappointed, you understood he'd rather spend time with anyone but you. Like second nature you put a smile on your face to hide the truth. "Of course, have fun. I'll talk to you later." 

"Thanks your the best." He kissed your forehead before quickly leaving with his new date. 

You turned back around in your seat and willed yourself not to cry. You paid your tab and wiped the tear that was about to fall before rushing out of the bar. You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't hear someone calling you till you felt a hand on your shoulder and you jumped in fear. You turned around and saw your friend Steve.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I was calling you but you didn't hear me, are you okay? I saw Bucky leaving with someone before I had the chance to say hi."

"Yeah I'm fine, I was tired anyways just ready to head home."

"Okay." He noticed the look on your face. You were smiling but your eyes seemed so sad, it seemed familiar to him. "well let me at least walk you home, it's late and I'd feel better making sure you got home safe."

"You don't have to do that, I'm fine. You should go enjoy your Friday night." He's probably pitying you, you're nothing but a burden to him. 

"Please. I just want to make sure you're okay."

You nod and quietly continue walking home.

After some time Steve speaks up. "Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you're doing."

You try and act calm. "I'm fine Steve, just a lot of work is all. Nothing you should worry about."

"That's the thing though I am worried. The way you've been acting is the same way my dad used to act. He tried to put up this tough front and act like he was fine but he wasn't. There were days when he just couldn't get out of bed, at the time I didn't understand what was wrong. He needed help but he didn't want to admit it."

You came to a stop in front of your apartment building. You wiped away the tears that were starting to form as Steve continued to speak. 

"You have the same look on your face as he did when you think you people aren't looking. I regret not asking him this, it's too late for him but not for you." Tears were forming in his eyes as he was reliving the memories of losing his dad. "I need you to tell me, are you okay and what can I do to help you?"

You started to shake your head, you didn't want to put your problems onto him. Steve had enough going on in his life, how dare you burden other people with your problems.

Almost as if he knew what you were thinking he pulled you into a tight hug. "I promise you are not a burden to me or any of your friends, we love you and we just want to help."

The dam broke and once you started crying you couldn't stop. "It hurts everyday Steve and it won't stop. I try my hardest to be strong but I can't do it anymore. I can't act like I'm okay when I'm dying inside. I hate myself and I hate that I'm causing you problems. I just, I feel worthless and I can't."

"You need help, it's the only way things will get better. You can't let this eat away at you till you can't take it anymore, we can't lose you. It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless."

Steve stays over that night, you talk and understand the best thing for you to do is move back home with your dad in Seattle and get the proper help you need. You call your dad and apologize for waking him up before explaining the situation, he's more than happy to welcome you back home. You and Steve spend the rest of the night making a plan. You'll take what's most necessary to Seattle and leave the rest in storage until you're ready, if you're ever ready to return to New York. 

You don't see or hear from Bucky again till a few days later. By then you're all packed up and ready to leave waiting for your cab to arrive. He pulls up to your building and sees you hugging Steve and suitcases by your side.

"Thank you for everything Steve, I didn't realize how much help I really needed if it weren't for you."

"Of course, I just want you to be okay. Don't be afraid to call me if you ever need to talk and I promise to visit." He turns around when he hears a car door close and sees Bucky walking towards the both of you. "I think i should get going now, call me when you land." With that said he walks towards his car and greets Bucky before driving off.

Bucky walks towards you confused about the situation. "Hey, what's going on? Are you going on a trip you didn't tell me about?"

"I'm going home to Seattle Bucky." Your grip tightens on your suitcase handle.

"To visit? How long are you going for?"

You let out a breath. "No, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone."

"Wait, what do you mean." He started to raise his voice at you. "Were  you just going to leave without telling me? How can you do this to me? We're supposed to be best friends."

"Yes we are supposed to be best friends so tell me why you never notice something was wrong. Bucky, if we were really best friends you would have noticed how depressed I am. I felt, I feel like I'm dying inside some days but you're so preoccupied with your love life you couldn't be bothered to notice. Look Bucky, I care about you and I want you to be happy but right now I need to focus on me and I can't do that here."

He started to cry once he knew the truth. "I'm sorry, i'm sorry I didn't notice but please don't leave me."

Your cab pulled up and it was time to leave, the driver took your bags and you asked him to give you a minute. You pulled Bucky to the side. "I'm sorry but I have to go now. I hope I can be well enough one-day to come back but for now I can't be here." You pull him into one last hug and kiss his forehead before letting go. 

Before you get into your cab with tears in his eyes he speaks up. "Before you go. Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?"

"Honestly, all you had to do was ask are you okay?" And with that you left, hopefully one day soon you'd be able to return as a better person in a better place. 

@agentmarvel13 @1v-kayla @5sos-wdw @a-dancing-hufflepuff @agent-barnes40 @agreatcheesecakestudentstuff @annoylinglyaries @antclottz @avngrsinitiative @bradfordsgreekgod @babypink224221 @captainam-erika-trash @carisi-sonny @caseymcflurry @chook007 @cosmiccomicloverqueen @daniellajocelyn @doctoranon @ecamille-xo @editsbyjenny @ellieababy @eternaleviee @futuremissstark @geeksareunique @gummiwormsandonedirection @henrietteoaks @hermionie-is-my-queen @imahoeforbucky @ineedmorefanfics @isabella-bby @jaemingold @jamessbarnnes @junitorials13 @katykyll @keenmarvellover @klanceiscannon14 @lady-sigyn @littlephoenix-fire @lovemarvelousfics @l0kisbitch @luckyfiction17 @ludwigvonbaethoven @maddie-laufeyson @magnificentsoulecollector @mikariell95 @mistressoftorture  @moli1497 @nanajaeminniee @orderoftheflamingflamingos @oxodianaoxo @paintballkid711 @pastelpurplexoox @peteyparkersbabyy @princessizzy36 @shallowshawn @sillydecoy @spodermanpete @starstruckgardenstudentzonk @stuckyandsciencebros @superhero2552 @thatharrypotterfan13 @thatweirdchick147 @the-ducks-umbrella @tienna-laufeyson16 @trustme3-13 @wishiwasanavenger @xalinx @yougottalovefandoms @zaza-jones @izzyisavengersupernaturaltrash @angstysebfan @rarelikesel

[sparkie96]

How do you feel about an AU Chreon, Leon's 9 months pregnant and has been kidnapped, And Chris comes to save him but he going into labor... and their B.O.W's (I got the idea from some movie I've seen about a deaf girl and her mom going into labor in the bathroom... I can't remember the name of it, but it's good) Sorry this is so long, I hope you enjoy it :)

(Yeah, I’m not really good at that kind of stuff and that movie made me a bit uncomfortable so...

I have a preview of an upcoming fic if that makes up for it?)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And yet, here he was, in a hospital room with a peeved and annoyed Omega. The peace was over and the old Leon was back, glaring at Chris as he held their son, feeding the baby. He couldn’t read Leon as easily as he could before, the Omega’s body language a bit more difficult to decipher than before. Leon’s eyes were obviously angry, but at the same time, it looked like the scowl he always wore. 

The doctors and nurses fluttered in and out of the room, checking on Leon and the baby, offering to fetch Leon food and running tests just to make sure both the mother and child were in perfect health. They acknowledged Chris as well, of course, asking if he needed anything and how he felt about being a new father. 

“You two must be so happy!” One of the nurses gushed, “Congratulations!” 

Leon merely hummed in reply, not looking Chris in the eye at the moment and instead focused on the little television at the foot of the bed, watching whatever it was that they had put on for them. Either way, he couldn’t look Chris directly in the face without wanting to punch him in it. The nurses and doctors finally gave them privacy, congratulating them once more before closing the door behind them, going out to tend to the other patients.

It was quiet, neither speaking to the other. Chris cleared his throat, trying to get Leon’s attention, but the Omega deliberately ignored him. Ollie cooed as he fed from his mother, Leon gently pulling him off to burp him. Chris watched intently, making sure Leon didn’t try anything that would end up hurting the little baby. Or maybe he was watching out of his own paranoia, to make sure Leon didn’t try to pull something that would end up hurting Chris. 

“So…” Chris began, “Ollie is absolutely perfect.” 

Leon raised his brows for a moment, but said nothing in reply, rocking the baby in his arms slowly. His attention was focused solely on the little one, pretending Chris wasn’t right there in his space. He was afraid he might do something he might regret if he looked up at the elder.

Chris sighed, “You’re mad at me.” 

“You think?” Leon asked with a dark chuckle, “Boy, I can’t imagine why!” 

“Hey! You can’t be mad at me! I wasn’t the one who assisted an international terrorist!” Chris hissed. 

“She was a key fucking witness, you Fuckwit!” Leon argued, “You let the actual terrorist walk free and then had me fucking facilitated! And then, you fucking took me to your home and fucking took advantage of me!"  

“One: Ada has been involved with numerous terrorist organizations and worked with the likes of Wesker and Neo-Umbrella. You could have apprehended her at any time, but each time you let her walk after you two exchanged goo-goo eyes and played Patty-Cake! Two: Simmons is clean, we found nothing. Three: You had yourself facilitated! That was on you!” Chris hollered, the commotion disturbing Ollie’s nap and making the baby cry loudly, "And I took you home because no one else would-!"

Before they could go any further, another nurse came back with Leon’s lunch, both Chris and Leon freezing and looking at the nurse. The man apologized for interrupting them, asking if everything was alright in here. Cold blue orbs met equally cold brown briefly, exchanging angry looks as Chris gave a nod, and a faux smile, telling the nurse that everything was just peachy. They were just having a conversation...a very loud conversation and had accidentally woken the baby from his nap. 

The nurse beamed, setting the tray of food down on the little side table next to Leon’s hospital bed. Leon gave his own faux smile, noticing the nurse examining him. The man canted his head, asking Chris if Leon was one of those facility Omegas. He recalled Chris mentioning it prior to the baby’s birth, saying that Leon was one and had been prepared for these kinds of things. 

“Oh...yeah. He is.” Chris confirmed, “Why? Is there something wrong?” 

The nurse looked to Leon again, the Omega clearly confused and annoyed, “I don’t know...but aren’t those types of Omegas supposed to be...happy and sunshine and rainbows twenty-four-seven? Leon seems a bit more...doom and gloom. During the birth, he seemed a tad...feral.” The nurse explained. 

Chris scoffed, “What? No! He was in pain! Of course he seemed feral! Birth isn’t exactly a ticklish process! He’ll be fine once I get him back home! Right, Leon?” 

Leon looked between the nurse and Chris, giving an even bigger smile and a nod, looking more unhinged than friendly, “Absolutely! I am absolutely ecstatic about the birth of our precious baby boy! I cannot wait to go back to my Omega duties and care for my mate and child!” 

The nurse raised a brow, a bit disturbed at the unnatural smile Leon wore and the overly happy and kind of robotic tone that Leon spoke with. He merely shook his head, mentally saying that maybe he was just a bit too tired due to the long shift. He apologized for his prodding and congratulated them on the birth of their child before excusing himself from their hospital room. 

Chris gave Leon a look, “Yeah...I think that was definitely convincing. Not at all suspicious…” he said sarcastically. 

“Oh, fuck off.” Leon said with a sigh, digging into his lunch. 

________________________________________________________________

Leon and Ollie were kept overnight, Chris not leaving their side for even a second. Leon asked exactly what had happened between now and China, saying that his memory had been really fuzzy after China. He could only minimally remember the facility, up until a certain point. And then it was nothing but painful white noise, drawing a blank.

Chris held Ollie as he contemplated telling Leon the truth. He then told him what had happened without going too in depth with the details, saying that Ada Wong and Neo-Umbrella had been disposed of, Ada having been killed by suits in a helicopter and the facilities in the gulf had been taken care of. Piers had been lost in the process...thanks to Ada's pet project, but they had been in the process of looking for him, saying that it was possible that he could still be alive. Or at least locate a body so his family could have a body to bury in New England. 

Then, there had been news that Leon had gone "feral" and due to his behavior, the courts and DSO had facilitated him. Helena had been incarcerated for assisting Leon and Ada in the attacks and agents within the DSO had been arrested as well for helping and colluding with Neo-Umbrella operatives, including Ingrid Hunnigan for assisting Helena and Leon after Tall Oaks. 

Leon listened intently, feeling sick to his stomach at the news. Christ...he failed Helena, Hunnigan, Adam, the people of Tall Oaks...and even Ada. Christ, how had Simmons gotten away with all of this? Why would Ada do this? Wasn't she above all that? 

"As for the facility bit...they had me fill out paperwork and then made me wait two to three months until you were "Fixed" and showed up at my doorstep all Stepford Housewife out." Chris explained, "What do you remember happening?" 

Leon tried to remember but grunted, holding his head in pain. He tried...he really did, but he only had small flashes of memory, the sound of a machine, a loud whining sound...bright fluorescent lights...almost like...Christ! Why the Hell did his head hurt so much? Why couldn't he remember?

"I don't know...I can't remember…" Leon admitted, "Head hurts like a bitch to try…" 

Chris hummed, "That might be due to the electro shock therapy they put you through while you were there." He explained, "You showed up with these marks on both of your temples, and Dr. Policki said that it was all part of your treatment." 

"Yeah, cause that's legal…" Leon replied sarcastically, "So...when can I go home?" 

"You and Ollie will be dismissed tomorrow morning if all the tests look good and you feel good enough to do so." Chris explained. 

"And what about you?" Leon asked, wondering if the Alpha had previously understood what Leon had been implying. 

Chris caught on, "You don't have an apartment to go back to...or a job. They ransacked the apartment and your office...you live with me now for a reason." He reminded him, "Legally, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, I own you." 

"I'm not property." Leon growled, "I should be able to come and go as I please." 

"Not anymore." Chris pointed out, "Not after all the shit you've been involved with. You were considered a threat to the public...hell, you're technically still a threat now that the hypnosis wore off. The government stripped you of everything and declared you feral." 

Leon scoffed and shook his head at Chris, asking the man if he was serious. Chris only gave him a look, saying that he was dead serious and Leon wasn't going anywhere unless he had an escort or Chris was with him. He was lucky to be allowed to go outside at all. Leon argued that he wasn't a threat...because he didn't have anything to do with the Tall Oaks incident. Yes, he shot the president, but the man had already turned by the time he did so, and he even hesitated when he did so. That it was Simmons who was behind everything. 

Chris shook his head, waving Leon off, "Leon, enough." He said sternly, "The BSAA and the DSO have their evidence that you and Agent Harper colluded with Ada Wong and caused all of this. From Edonia, to Tall Oaks." 

Leon narrowed his eyes, "What...the Hell is Edonia?" He asked, sounding genuinely confused. 

Chris sighed and shook his head again, "I don't want to talk about it. Not now." 

"Why? How can I be responsible for any of that if-?" 

"Enough!" Chris repeated, "I don't...just, for once in your life, shut up. Please." 

"No! You're accusing me of something I didn't do! I was arrested for shit I had no involvement in and now you, a man I thought I could trust, won't even let me explain myself!" Leon protested. 

"What is there left to explain?" Chris asked, "We have all the evidence. The DSO does too and you've already been convicted, done your time and now you're serving your sentence. Just stop before you make things worse for yourself." 

Leon let out an over exasperated growl of frustration, choosing to shut up and sit back in the bed. He crossed his arms and merely glared up at Chris. The Alpha gave a sigh and relaxed in his seat, looking from Ollie to the Omega, watching Leon. 

This wasn't going to be smooth sailing from here on out.

[shuatoyou]

sadpossiblyd*pressed!jihoon + “i need you” + “just hang in there, okay?”

best friend ! jihoon x reader

angst

tw: panic attack, mental health issues

if you ever feel like you aren’t wanted or if things too much sometimes pls don’t hesitate to reach out to someone around you. oomfs you can also dm me whenever <3

thank you for sending a request kristen i hope this one is okay i wasn’t sure where to start and it was like 5 am. ily

“jihoon? are you home?” you step into the house with curiousity as to why the door was left open.

you were there to visit your best friend!jihoon considering you both had no time to see eachother previously and that made you sad. you had missed him a lot.

“jihoon?” you could feel your heart racing slightly in worry.

wandering through the house which looked completely okay no signals of someone breaking in which you crossed one worry off your mental list however you felt yourself walking towards a cry followed by sniffles and things falling onto the floor.

it was coming from the bathroom and you sped up your pace to get to the part of the house you had heard sounds from much quicker, reaching the door, you attempt to open it but no luck there. leaning into the door you call out hoping for some sign of your friend.

“jihoon?” you repeat like the previous times and this time you’re greeted with a louder cry which shocks you and breaks your heart at the same time.

“jihoon i know you’re in there please open up are you okay?” you’re knocking on the door hoping for something now.

“i don’t want you to see me like this y/n please go.” jihoon pleads voice breaking at eachother word.

“i’m not leaving i’ll wait until you want to come outside to me jihoon or let me in at least.”

“i’ll be sitting here jihoon okay?” you call out to the figure sat behind the door before stepping back and sitting cross legged on the floor across the bathroom door which was locked to your knowledge of attempting to pull it open before.

you helplessly listened to your best friends painful sobs causing you to shed a few tears yourself.

meanwhile jihoon was struggling to get himself together with a strong grip on the sink hoping for some stability as he tried to get through the uninvited panic attack.

“just hang in there, okay?” you mumble to towards the door shaking your head with tears falling.

he heard the pain and worry in your voice causing him to breakdown even more feeling bad for you more than he was for himself.

maybe it was a few minutes, maybe longer, before the door clicked letting you know it was finally unlocked.

you stand up in a blink could and cautiously push the door open to jihoon sat on the toilet seat with his whole body bent over his knees and his eyes not once looking up to meet yours.

“jihoon...” you softly speak out kneeling down in front of him bringing your hands up to his face to gently lift it up.

you search his sparkling eyes only to discover nothing but sadness and distress. eyes red and tears dried. you couldn’t help but feel a few emotions at his state but you knew breaking down directly in front of him wouldn’t help his situation.

you pull him into a tight hug feeling his arms weakly wrap themselves around your figure.

“i’m sorry y/n” jihoon sobs into your shoulder now.

“no don’t be sorry. i’m sorry i wasn’t here sooner.” you emphasise on the ‘im’ looking up trying to force tears back in.

“you couldn’t have known...”

it takes jihoon a while to pull away from your hug but you let him decide when anyways. you look at the tears staining his cheeks and immediately made the decision to get up and get a small towel out from the cupboard under the sink allowing some water to spill out from the tap onto the cloth.

you return to your best friend to wipe off the dry patches of tears with the lightest touch in fear of hurting him somehow.

“why are you here?” jihoon finally spoke up startling you in the slightest.

“i wanted to see you. i missed you” you give him a small smile putting down the towel as he finally looked up and at you. his eyes filled with unspoken apologies.

“i wish you didn’t have to see me like this i’m sorry y/n”

“stop apologising. you’ve seen me at my worst a lot too” you joke.

“we can talk whenever you are ready.” the words give jihoon the reassurance he perhaps needed.

“the world has it out for me.” jihoon begins and you stop, putting down the towel to listen.

“i cant do anything enough i don’t see the point in any of the things i do anymore y/n. i feel so unwanted. without a purpose you know. does that even make sense?” jihoon looks down after blurting out so many words at once. making you frown and lift his head up once again with your hands.

“but you’re doing great... you are making so many of us proud. i am so happy to call someone as amazing as you my best friend” you begin comfortingly. “and i know i need you, so do many others. please don’t think that way.” you pull him into another hug again this time lasting for a lot less longer.

“that means the world coming from you” jihoon gives you a weak smile before continuing. “i’ve cried so much today oh my god.”

you return the smile, lifting yourself up from the cold tiles of the bathroom and gently pull jihoon up.

“i’ll give you a minute to yourself, when you’re done come to the living room we can watch movies and eat take out okay?”

jihoon nods and so you do as you said, walking out leaving the boy alone momentarily, he needed to show you how much he appreciated you more often.

[andyparxia]

Military

A boy was crying and yelling. “I don't want to go to military when I grow up,” The mother annoyed assured him that since he is only 12, there is still 6 years to go. That is a long time, perhaps in 6 years the rules has changed. Maybe its not a requirement anymore, and more of a choice. The stupid fucking boy stopped crying and thought "perhaps you're right mother, perhaps indeed."

6 years later

The boy now 18 years old was quite miserable going to carpenter school. "I don't want to go to school today," he said to his mother. "Just finish this year and you can do something else," the mother said. Little did he know that there was a surprise for him in the mail box. A letter just for the boy. "Who would send me letters?," the boy thought. He slit open the letter and got quite nervous. "Yikes, its from the government."

"YOU ARE HEREBY FORCED TO TRAVEL TO A BUILDING WHERE WE CAN TEST IF YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO BE SUBBMITED TO THE MILITARY. IF YOU DO NOT SHOW UP, YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL LOL" - The Military

PTSD from 6 years ago came rushing down. "Mother was wrong all along" he said. How can a mother be wrong? How can the government do this to a little boy like me? Barely out of the womb and now straight into fucking war.

Day of the testing months later

Lucky for the boy he had legit reason to take a day of school. "I'm so happy I won't get a mark on my day of from school". Only times you have a legit reason and wont get punished at school for it is for testing like these, or funerals. And it did feel like a funeral, the boys freedom had officially died. "My freedom" he cried inside while on the train.

The boy had to follow people that was going to the same place, because he had no fucking clue where to go. He wasn't used to being on the road alone. Eventually they did find the place and the waiting started. Hours later sitting at a very uncomfortable chair someone called his name "ANDRÉ". It was for the doctor. The boy sat down and the doctor asked all kinds of questions. "Any mental problems?" "Any health problems?" "Problems in the family?" Nope nope nope the boy said to it all. "what a dull boy," the doctor probably was thinking. Time for sound test. The Doctor put the boy in a soundproof box and played certain tones. The boy had to click a button for every time he heard a tone. Little did the doc know that this dull little boy was being a little cheeky. He didn't press every time he heard the tone. "that'll show him," the boy badly smiled. "looks good," the doc said happily. "Fuck". The boy was disappointed. Back to the chair with him.

What felt like hours later they gathered all the boys for math tests. "Another chance to fake my results" the cheeky little boy thought. He suddenly noticed that by every random answer on the page, there was a very subtle dot drawn by a pencil. The military had just reused old papers from older contestants. The boy stupidly picked every answer that had the dot and it probably made him look like some math genius. So by picking all the wrong answers he picked the right.. Back to the chair. Hours later he was called in one last time by a dude that asked him all kind of questions. "Do you want to go to the military?". "Fuck no" the boy thought, "No," the boy said. After bunch of questions the boy was free to leave and head home. "I probably wont get called in for military in 1 year time" he thought to himself. Surely my answers was dumb enough for me to not get called in?

One year later.

Another letter in the mail.

"YOU ARE HEREBY FORCED TO TRAVEL TO THE MILLITARY, THE SEA MILITARY SPECIALLY BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU HATE THE SEA AND GET SEASICK VERY FUCKING EASILY. IF YOU DONT GO WE SEND YOU TO JAIL LOL" - The Military.

The boy was not amused. Finally done with school and now to military. 

The day of

The boy couldn't sleep, he only had hours before he had to leave. He got a brilliant idea to watch a 3 hour long new Lynch movie that just came out. So instead of sleeping, he watched a 3 hour long acid trip of a film. Brilliant idea.

The mother was teary eyed knowing she wouldn't see the son for a couple of years. Meanwhile the sleep depraved boy was sure he was coming back soon. "No fucking way I'm staying" he thought. "Told you so" he said to his mother while giving her a hug and off to military with him. 8 hours train ride went quick, he was listening to some bad Dane Cook show while thinking of that fucking film. "What the fuck did I watch".

He arrived at the station. Yet again no idea where to go. The boy found some poor souls that was going to the same camp, together they found the bus and away they went. The camp wasn't far away, 15 minute bus ride. The boy was surprised how local the camp was compared to the city. Like a big playground in the middle of civilisation. But instead of children running around playing, these grown ass men are running around playing war. The gates opened at the first thing he saw was people walking in groups, mighty impressive coordinated groups. Rifles on their shoulders, swinging them around like a show.

The boys got showed around and eventually ended up in a big gym. Bags in the floor while police and dogs sniffed out for drugs. Even though the boy was clean he was still nervous that the dog found something. Couple stoners was sweating beside him, and the dog barked. The boy was jealous of the stoners, "lucky them" he thought. They can leave and he was stuck here. After the drug sniffing, all the boys was pushed to the cinema of the camp. There they had to wait for all the other people getting sniffed out. A film were showing the the people waiting, it was "The Hills Have Eyes 2" from 2007. The boy found it a bit weird to sit in a cinema in a military camp watching a film with gore and people getting raped, but it was what it was.The film turned off suddenly. All the boys were done getting sniffed. Everyone was now in the cinema. 

"PEOPLE THAT ARE STAYING SIT IN ROW 1-3". "PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO LEAVE, GO SIT IN ROW 4 AND UP" a dude yelled. "Oh fuck what do I do? I don't want to stay, but I have no legit reason to stay other than a note from the doctor that say that I have "snapping hips"". “Fuck it”, the boy went to row 4 and sat down. Luckily a bunch of other people followed suit. They were around 10 all together. "THE PUSSIES, FOLLOW ME", the man yelled (not really but he was 100% thinking it). All the pussy boys follow the man trough the playground. He stopped at a house. "Here you sleep for tonight, tomorrow after breakfast you are going to see a doctor to see if you have a LEGIT reason to leave. Good night." The boys went inside. There were pool tables, tv with news playing. All kinds of fun shit to do. The boy sat in the corner while all the other pussy boys were bitching about how they wanted to leave. This felt good to the boy, knowing there were other boys like him there. 

It was getting late and all the boys went up to the bedroom to sleep. The boy was shocked to see that all the beds did not have the beddings already put on. The boy had never done it himself. He struggled getting it on, so he eventually he had to ask for help. Ashamed the boy went to bed, very quickly falling asleep. A sleep that was quite comfortable and he slept very well. (No kappa).

The next day

A dude with a fucking bell in the hall woke up all the boys. "Time for shower and breakfast". The boy had never showered with other people in his life, he always avoided it like the plague, so he avoided it this time as well. The boy grew more pathetic by the minute. They all went outside to the dining hall, it was dark as fuck. Dark and cold. There was a long line outside of the dining hall. It took about 20 minutes to finally get in, eat stale bread with cheese while listening to a hall for of noise. "I got to get the fuck out," the boy thought. After the food all the pussies got pushed to a building where all the doctors were located. There was a tv in the waiting room playing "Band of Brothers". Nothing more ironic watching people getting blown up in the war on tv in the waiting room of a military camp. Outside the window the boy was watching people doing push ups. "Thank God I'm not one of them, I literally cant even do one push up". DING, the boy got an idea. He has a note from the doctor about snapping hips (Which means that many of his joins snaps every time he moves them in a certain way), which makes push ups and sit ups quite painful. Not to mention that he doesn't shower with other people, because he often got to clean his hairy asshole in a hard way. "Cant bend over like that in the shower in front of people, neither can one go around with poopy asshole", the boy thought. The boy now had an legit excuse. Hairy asshole and snapping hips.

Literally hours later the boy got called in. He now has a plan. "So why do you not want to stay?", the doctor asked. "Well I don't want to shower with other people and I have snapping hips.". "Why don't you want to shower with other people?" the doc asked. "Well I'm very hairy... a certain place." he said. "Most boys are hairy, its very normal" doc laughed. "uhm, I got a hairy asshole", the boy shamefully said. "Oh, and snapping hips, I can write a recommendation to release you." The doctor said. The boy could breath out in relief.. The doctor printed out something, made the boy sign it. "Take this to the gate, show it and wait for your bags to be delivered". The boy shook his hand and walked to the gate. There he met other pussies also waiting, "lucky them" he thought, "Maybe they have hairy assholes as well". 

He waited for his bag and he could finally leave. The boy looked back at the adult playground, smiling at all the grown ass dudes running around like it was important. "So long" the boys menacingly thought. The boy took the bus back to town. He has never felt that free, free to  do whatever (not even 12 years later that feeling has been that strong). No more Military, no more school. He walked around the town in a bliss. Visited a local DVD shop and bought a bunch of DVD's. A imported DVD of Eraserhead was one of them (which he sold 12 years later kind of regretting not keeping it for the memory). He then sat at the station waiting for the train to come, looking at his shiny new DVD's. The train ride back was quite painful, the boy had forgot to take a piss this whole trip, and a cute looking lady was sitting beside him blocking the way. Better not disturb the lady and just be in pain instead. Eight hours later he texted his sister to ask come get him, not even telling his parents of his arrival. A funny prank he thought. The sister drove him home and he ringed the bell. "I'm home", he said. The parents was probably very disappointed learning that they couldn't get that 1 year break away from him, but the boy couldn't care less. The boy can now go back to watch movies and game. And he gamed happily ever after.

[boywivlove]

| Lutz | 01 

Chapters | 02

Pairing: Past Hoseok x Reader | Eventual Jimin x Reader

Genre: Figure skating AU | Slight angst | Fluff

Words: 1K +

Summary : After your last performance at the Junior world championships leaves you with a broken leg, your longtime boyfriend and team mate Jung Hoseok decides to partner with someone else and sign with a new agency  for the next competition, leaving you behind with the remains of a severed relationship. 2 years go by and your leg has long since healed, but a nasty blow to your confidence has put you off the idea of return to the competition circuit after being left behind. But when a chance meeting with an old friend catches you by surprise, you find yourself with a new partner. And after working hard you end right back where everything went wrong. But this time your going to show just far you’ve come.

Warnings : Mentions of broken bones and injury | some strong language |

Authors Note: Heyyyy SO Im still here haha, Ive been so busy with work and getting ready for christmas Ive not had time to write, but hopefully people are still here and want to read my skater AU hahah >W<

Its funny how things can change so quickly. You feel like everything just fits together, like a jigsaw portraying the image of your perfect life. You never really think about the perfection shattering like a mirror and you, being left to pick up the pieces of your once perfect reflection. Some things are just not meant to last forever I guess.

It was currently autumn time in your small little town, the leaves had long since shifted from lush greens into the beautiful hues of orange and red, like fire lining the cobbled streets. The chill in the air calling for thick winter wear and stalls of delicious hot foods perfect for this kind of weather. Yet as you walk the busy street, your once beloved time of year now only brought you broken memories and an ache in your bones you couldn’t seem to shift. 

You readjusted your messenger bag as you opened the door to the small coffee shop, the bell chiming as you felt the warmth kiss your frostbitten cheeks. It had been two years to the day when your dreams were ripped away from you. It was in this very cafe that you remember every detail of that night, every word he spoke to try and make you see his point of view, as if to soften the blow of his abandonment. Who was he trying to kid? His name was Jung Hoseok, Jhope in the figure skating circles. Yes, THAT Jung Hoseok. Lovable bad boy Pro skater Jung. god. damn. Hoseok. It was such a bad break up, if you could call it a break up. More like complete abandonment in your opinion. Who the hell abandons their girlfriend and skating partner for competition? Him thats who. 

It all happened at the junior world championships. You and Hoseok had been partners for 10 years, ever since you could balance on your skates. and for 5 years you had been a couple going strong. All the training you put in had led up to that moment, the moment to prove yourselves and be scouted out by the mass of agencies that had attended in hopes of snatching some new blood. It was finally your turn and you both breezed through the routine, the toe loops? no sweat. the Salchows were child’s play for you both. But then came the triple lutz. You had practices this particular move almost a hundred times and every time you were near perfect. But that one particular moment. The one time you needed to be flawless, lady luck decided fortune was not in the cards for you. You lost footing mid air and Boom. One broken femur and a trip to the hospital later you felt your ego bruised and your chances of being talent scouted shot.

It was two months later into your recovery Hoseok had asked you to meet at the cafe you sat in now, four booths over in fact. You had arrived a little late due to your injury inconvenience. He had ordered your favourite hot drink, peppermint hot chocolate and asked how you were. You didn’t think nothing of it but he had been distant since the accident. It wasn’t anything you felt you had to worry about, you were confined to the house the majority of your time after being released from the hospital so it was natural to you you hadn’t seen him in weeks. It was only when he cleared his throat and bit his lip you knew something was on his mind, it was a habit he had since he was a kid. Time seemed to slow down in that moment as your world caved in from under you.

“hey listen,, this is a little hard for me to say…”

“oh? is everything alright? I know we haven't been able to practice in a while but once im all healed-”

“no no its,,, look Y/N ill be straight with you.”

“ o- ok?”

“Y/N,, I want to go somewhere with my figure skating. and with you off the ice for the foreseeable,,,, I dont think I can go anywhere.”

“ oh… uh- so,, are you saying you want to go solo?”

“Not quite,,, aghhh listen, after your accident I realised were on different levels in our skating, this just proves it. This competition should have been easy for us and you go and break your leg for fucks sake,”

“oh like it was my intention to make an idiot of myself out there? How can you blame me for that?! Hoseok if you just wait we can work, I can work on my routines. i ca-”

“Y/N I cant say thins any other way but, I got a call from the S.F.S.A and they want me in their program. They’ve partnered me with a great skater and she-”

“Wait… you've already signed with them,,, and got a new partner. Hoseok I cant… I cant believe you. We always said we skate together or not at all. and you know how much I wanted us to get into S.F.S.A TOGETHER? Its like you dont care about anything we worked towards… and just because I broke my leg? … I just. I cant believe you.”

“come on Y/N dont be like this. This is a big opportunity for me. The Seoul Figure Skating Association in a BIG deal. I thought you’d understand. Your my girlfriend why are you being like this”

“Im HURT Hobi!? The slightest inconvenience and you throw me away? ,,,”

The silence was deafening as the two of you sat in that booth, The lighting overhead made Hobis blonde tips look almost white, and your eyes shimmer with unshed tears. It was as if the Hobi you knew, the man you’d loved since childhood had disappeared the moment he sat down. After all the hard work and effort you had put in, both in your teamwork and relationship, was it all for nothing. 

“I dont think this is gonna work between us anymore… Things, things change. People change and, I want this Y/N. I cant wait for you anymore.”

Those few sentences broke your heart. With nothing else to say to him you stood up, your crutches steadying you as you said nothing, what could you say to someone who just threw away everything you had together for a chance at bettering his career,,, a career you both put so much effort into. A career he was perusing with someone new. Hoseok stood with you when you struggled to adjust your bag around your head, he looked as though he wanted to help you, but the angry tears threatening to spill out of your reddening eyes was enough to tell him not to. As you made your way to the entrance you looked back at him, his face was masked in an almost pained expression, his cheeks were starting to pinken and his jaw was shaking slightly as thought he was about to cry. You left the shop before you could hear him saying its for the best. if that was what he thought then he can leave you. You were just thrown to the kerb and in that moment. your perfect world had shattered. your reflection left broken into pieces on the floor.

So, two years later and here you sit, in the same cafe, looking over to the booth your whole life came crashing down. Your leg had healed well, and you took back to the ice almost instantly to train yourself up again, but after the pain of losing your partner on and off the ice, you just couldn’t find the confidence you once had. It was as if your competitive lust for figure sating had left you with Hobi. It was after your loss of confidence your mental health took an even bigger hit, you felt yourself declining from the world and the people around you as you just got by day to day. You felt you could heal from what happened physically, but not mentally. But all grey clouds have a silver lining, days went by, the sun came up, and you eventually felt like yourself again. It took a lot, but it was the lack of self confidence in yourself that led you to your current occupation, your local ice rink had an opening for the overseeing the beginners lessons for ages 5-10, as much as you wished you could get back to being the skater you once were, the kids have grown on you. Your days that were filled with dull moping around the now very single woman’s apartment was now filled with tiny rosy cheeked little faces eager to learn. and everyday you felt yourself becoming more and more like yourself. And its this part of your life when you meet someone who turns it all around for you.

[might-guys-acorn]

Can I get a head cannon of a Shippuden era Naruto helping their friend through their depression?

Of course my love💕 Its late but I dont have work tomorrow, so Im gonna happily write some pieces. I cant wait to reopen my inbox for you guys :) -🦎

===============================

If anyone understands, its him. He doesnt show it, but depression can get to him a lot

He shows up at your door with movies and snacks when he hasnt seen you in a while. He knows how hard it can be to leave your house when an episode hits, so he'll bring the fun to you

Tells a million corny jokes to make you laugh. He misses your smile, and its hard to resists the sunshine he brings whenever he walks into a room

Opens the curtains whenever he gets there. Sunlight is important for mental health

Sits on the floor and listens to your rants about existence. Will hug you tight if you start to cry, and tells you all the good things about this shitty world to remind you of the upsides when youre only seeing the downs

Takes you to ramen. It always brings his spirits up, so hopefully itll do the same for you. Doesnt matter if you havent showered in days, or your sweatpants are covered in bleach stains. Ichiraku has no dress code.

Or just brings it to your place. They do takeout too, ya know?

If he does bring it to you, though, he'll get comically dressed up, and knock on your door with a little melody. Has a stupid big smile on his face when you open the door

"Special delivery for Y/N! Some happiness in a bowl! Compliments of your best friend!"

Gets very excited when you smile back at him, he loves to make you feel even a little better.

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe idk if youll see this but i only have a year left until college and i live in an abusive household. no one understands me and my mom and dad especially don't. my older sister doesnt seem to hold the patience to listen to whenever i do try and call her once annually. i dont know how much longer i can hold on. it literally hurts my mind so much thinking about all of it, especially after abusive episodes from them. im scared to live alone but i just cant wait to

gosh im so sorry to hear that love :( while i’m proud of you for making it this far and for being able to talk about it with me, it’s really awful that you’ve had to deal with it for so long, and that it’s happening to you in the first place. especially during your adolescence, which is a time when we’re all super impressionable. a time when we all feel like nothing is ever going to change. and i can definitely relate to nobody even taking the time to understand you, and to feeling like you’re being overlooked or forgotten. when we experience something like this our brains often to try to make sense of the actions of those around us by turning towards self blame, and internalizing all the negativity + manipulating it into self hatred. but i think its important to remember that you are not responsible for what others do, in this context. how they choose to treat you is not a reflection of you or of what you deserve, alright? your sister’s selfishness is a trait of her own. your parent’s anger is a result of their lack of control and self regulation. none of this is on you. it may be hard to truly believe that in this moment, but nonetheless i think it’s a sentiment you should try to keep close to your heart. it’s not your fault that you have been failed by the people who were supposed to protect you, and it doesn’t mean that any future bonds you form will turn out the same way. it’s normal to want to give up at times, but you must know that there’s a difference between temporarily feeling that way and actually acting on it in a very permanent way. i said this another anon the other day, but i mean it just as much: you have so much waiting for you. and you didn’t survive all of that for nothing. once you’re in college and you have autonomy over your own life, once you get to choose how much time you spend with your parents and how much you let them in - all of the pain and toxic beliefs you’ve built your world view around will begin to slowly dissipate. and that may be a life long process, but it’s supposed to be. you have all of the time in the world to build your own existence and to heal from what’s happened to you. there are so many different tools to utilize, paths to walk down and people to meet who will show you what it’s like to be truly loved. including yourself, the person you will grow into. if you just give yourself the chance. i know it’s not that much comfort in this moment because you still have to deal with your parents and their bullshit, but it’s good to consciously remind yourself of all the good that is out there. when you’re an anxious and hurt person, it’s common to suffer from a sense of impending doom or failure, but the reality of it will be so much more of a calm, gradual process than you realize.

that being said, i’m quite worried that you’re still in this situation and that your parents are just okay with periodically putting you through ‘episodes’. it’s NOT okay. and you have every right to process hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness, numbness because of it. while it may be painful, there is no shame in crying or in feeling whatever you need to feel. it’s a normal human response to such emotional turmoil, so try to go easy on yourself honey. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given. however, it’s important to understand that the presence of these negative emotions is never an excuse to harm yourself or worse. i understand that it’s extremely overwhelming, and that it may sometimes feel beyond your control. but even just attempting to put some positive coping mechanisms in place may make all the difference, even if they don’t work every single time. this can be anything from creating a safe space for yourself (in your room, or could be somewhere outside like the park or a library) to researching breathing techniques and self affirmations, to journaling or venting to your friends, to meditation to finding a comfort hobby/show to simply lying in bed and sobbing the feelings out and then going to sleep, maybe practicing some self care. every small effort counts, even if it feels like the dumbest thing in the world. if you keep it up on a semi consistent basis, you will notice a shift eventually. it’s possible to hurt and grow at the same time. i also think it could be a good idea to consider reaching out to someone about this - perhaps a school counselor, or a mental health hotline, or a support group in your area. maybe make an appointment with your doctor to see if they can recommend any resources, if possible? whatever works for you. i just really think it’s important that you understand on a very fundamental level that you have every right to talk about what’s going on, and that there are so many ppl out there who understand. who have even been through the same thing, and survived after it and thrived. i know this is one of those suggestions that feels very scary and like you just can’t do it, but if there’s any service available to you i’d really recommend utilizing it, or at least not ignoring the option all together. having someone you can be honest with and who can enable you to develop some self esteem, plus some added perspective so you don’t feel as ‘trapped’, will really make it all feel a little less heavy. consistent therapy/counseling will show you how to unlearn all of the mental habits you’ve developed over the years due to the treatment you’ve endured, and you deserve that relief. i get that it all feels like a lot of effort, and i’m not saying that doing this stuff is a quick fix. i’m saying that you have a life and an existence that is worth investing in, that is worth caring about. you are worth the world, FUCK your parents for making you question that due to their own mental and emotional issues. regardless of your past, you’re here and you deserve better. you will find better. you’re so much closer to getting ‘out’ than you realize. while it’s normal to be scared of living alone, humans adapt quite quickly. and you wont be alone in the way that you imagine, you’ll simply have agency over your own choices. like i said before, there are so many ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to truly treasured, who you haven’t even met yet. it’s just a matter of treating yourself softly, the way you’d treat a friend going through a hard time, until you get to that point. and also a matter of knowing your parents are full of shit. but anyway, this got far too long. i just have a lot to say, i hate how adults choose to have babies and then do this to them.....if you want to talk about it properly, or if you need a friend or anything. please feel free to send me a message. i’ll be here, and i believe in you !! one day at a time 💌

[adaydreamersworld]

2019 is hard. Saya selalu berusaha, berusaha dan berusaha untuk simply survive mentally, physically, dan menabung masa depan yang lebih baik. With all I have, all I can do, dan menemukan cara to make things out of nothing.

Sedikit cerita saya membangun sebuah usaha yang awalnya berpondasikan 3 orang. A person left di tahun pertama and another person left di tahun ke dua. No, not my fault if that what you have in mind. As simply as, all of them thought how nice it will be to "own" something, but doesn't wanna carry the responsibility to make it work. So they basically leave because they are simply not an entrepeneur kind of people. So they chose to work in companies instead and that's fine with me.

The thing is, bisnis yang kami bangun adalah bisnis yang membutuhkan 3 orang. So when they left, saya harus hustling mengisi the void they made. He good thing is, month after month, the business get bigger, bit by bit. The bad thing is, artinya more burden to carry for a single person. I become the whole company. Dan buat kalian yang berfikir 'ah, masih banyak kok orang dengan masalah yang lebih besar'. Selamat, you people are toxic positivity. A wise person dalam hidup saya once said, 'masalah yang kecil buat orang lain bisa berarti masalah besar dalam hidup kamu'. That's why people have to be in someone else's shoes to know what they really going through.

Imagine this, I'm 149cm tall yang harus carry an items that sometimes are bigger and taller than me, literally. Imagine all those weight, on my shoulder, on my hand, and trying to walk without scratching everything around me, or scratching my own skin (which mostly happened). Every single week, every single month, i have to do that over and over again. But i'm happy, because i have a dream and i'm eager to learn.

I am the whole company, so basically seletih apapun, saya harus langsung do what the company have to do. Don't say it's easy just because you think so. Imagine this, driving for hours, waiting for hours, carrying heavy weights, coming home late dan masih harus do small things dari uploading photos, making financial report, designing, spending hours and hours to find vendors, dealing with clients, and all other little things, because a those little things have to be done too. No help, just me alone, with my tired mind. Simply because i can't afford to make people do all those stuff for me. But again, i feel fine karena it's my dream, my future on the line.

Carrying out a business of three is fine for me alone, and still possible, i just have to push it harder as the business go bigger and bigger. Just have to sacrifice more time while making sure i get enough sleep karena saya mudah jatuh sakit sedari kecil.

Then comes what harder than all of that, the mental games. Kalimat-kalimat ringan dari teman-teman seperti, "eh lo tuh harusnya gini tau. Yaelah kenapa sih nggak begini begitu" yang harus saya dengarkan over and over again. And i have to smile and explain to then why i cant do that and why i should do this. Tekanan dari keluarga, "kamu tuh harusnya begini begitu." Yang biasanya diakhiri dengan kalimat yang intinya sama, "saya kan orangtua, kamu harus dengarkan orang tua". Over and over and over again. Untuk kalian yang berfikir, "ah biasa kali kaya gitu". Again, either kalian toxic people, atau kalian do that to other people until you think there's nothing wrong with it.

I surrounded by toxic people my whole life. When i was 23, i start to realize that and start to eliminate them one by one from my life. Just for the sake of my my mental health. But toxic people are there, everywhere i go. And it's even harder when it's part of your family member.

Pada pertengahan tahun 2019 kemarin, saya berada di titik ragu dan bingung. Can i do this myself? I'm already this far to give up. Jadi setelah mengumpulkan keberanian saya pun terus menjalani yang harus saya jalani. And simply hope for the best. At the end of 2019, usaha saya sedikit demi sedikit mulai berbuah hasil. Pekerjaan yang datang semakin banyak. Letih dan kewalahan pasti, tapi saya tidak mau menyerah. I put every money, every time, every sweat, turning down another job offer for this. For something i can call my own.

And then suddenly, a family drama happened. Out of the blue. And im really tired. And im really sick of it. Saya berada di posisi dimana saya ditekan dan dipaksa to endure a stupid conversation, day and night, just so a family member can fill their curiousity with answer that not even their own business. They create dramas dimana mereka tidak menyadari bahwa hal bodoh ini berakibat besar kepada saya mentally, and more importantly to my business. It's funny how people say that they want us to be happy but they become the source of my sadness. They push me over and over again and telling me i am weak if i cant survive. Disaat saya berusaha untuk tidak menjadi orang yang 'gagal', justru keluarga sayalah yang menjadi sumber yang memberikan pemikiran bahwa saya adalah orang yang akan gagal just because i dont want to be pushed by them. To the cliff.. yes.. to the cliff. If you think, "i do this for you. To protect you. You have to listen to me because im your parents." Think again, is your ego as a parent that see thing as; in conclusion: 'im your parent and youre the kid, you cant say things to me but you have to listen to all my negativity' worth killing me mentally by the stress i have to endure every single day, while i have to also fight for my future and dealing with my social life? Mental abuse is as strong physical abuse. Some parents and any other of their generation just dont want to see that and think it is just weakness. I could cry and pour my heart out and my parent still wont listen. Their ego is bigger than their heart even after seeing their children's cry.

That concludes the end of my 2019. And for 2020, i just wish to find more people like me, people with more mental awareness and less negativity to be around. Because expecting people to change is sometimes hopeless. Especially when it's your family.

[calebswitching]

past lives - Mateo/Caleb

When: Monday, August 19

Summary: During the mark-swap event, Mateo discovers that Caleb has been emailing with his ex.

@dommateolopez

Caleb had been exceptionally quiet for a couple of days. It started on Mark's birthday, when Caleb kept thinking about him every time he wrote the date on an assignment, but it was days later now and he was still out of sorts. And he kept itching to email Mark. So he waited until Mateo was busy, and pulled it up on his phone. Unfortunately, he must have misjudged, because Mateo walked in two minutes later, and Caleb quickly tried to hide his phone.

Mateo had noticed the change in Caleb's behavior, but he assumed it stemmed from the anxiety of the mark change, so he didn't push the other man to discuss it. However, when he noticed him hide his phone in a hurry, he frowned, not even thinking before leaning over to look at the screen. "Mark?" he asked, his brows lifting. "I hope that's not the same Mark I'm thinking of."

Caleb blanched and turned off the screen before sliding the phone in his pocket and out of sight.  "....No?" Shit, no one was supposed to see! He would normally just do this in his own room. He swallowed and looked down. Caleb knew he was supposed to be the Dominant here, that was why he was in Mateo's suite, but the moment Mateo had spoken, every ounce of dominance that Caleb had been able to muster vanished. He knew he was in trouble.

He frowned deeper, moving to sit next to Caleb and resting a hand on his shoulder. “That isn’t a very reassuring answer, hermanito,” he said, squeezing his shoulder lightly.

Caleb cringed at the look Mateo gave him and shrank back into the couch.  "It's not a big deal," he protested, but even to his own ears it sounded weak. "... Please don't tell Nick? Or- or Eric, or... Anyone. Please, Sir."

“Hermanito, you know I can’t promise that,” he said quietly. “Nick is my claim, and Eric will be yours. Can you please explain to me why you’re still communicating with him?” he asked, keeping his tone calm and warm.

Caleb scooted back away from Mateo to the edge of the couch and pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around his knees and pressing his face into his forearms.  "They can't know.  Please, Sir.  Please.  They'll be so mad."  It was extremely obvious in this moment that no matter what their marks were supposed to be for the event, at his core Caleb was a sub, and as soon as his composure was broken he reacted to Mateo as a sub reacts to a Dominant.  "It's just emails.  Just.. just the last month or so.  It's not a big deal."

Mateo sighed and let Caleb have his space, but he did reach over to set one hand on his back, rubbing slowly. “You didn’t explain to me why,” he pointed out after a moment. He knew he wasn’t exactly acting as a sub but this clearly called for him to slip back into his normal role.

Caleb grimaced and didn't look up.  He knew what that sigh meant.  He was disappointing.  He was difficult.  He was too much work, and he wasn't cooperating, and he was frustrating for everyone around him.  His stomach  felt like it was twisting into knots.  "I'm sorry," he mumbled.  "I... I don't know.  I just wanted to talk to him."

His hand moved from Caleb’s back to his chin, gently moving the switch’s face so he could look into his eyes. “Hermanito, you understand why that’s concerning to me, don’t you?” Mateo asked quietly. He didn’t want Caleb to feel attacked for this - he just needed him to understand why this was not a very good choice.

When Caleb looked up at Mateo, following his gentle direction, his face displaying raw, unfiltered emotion.  He couldn't keep it away anymore.  He was awash in a sea of shame and guilt and fear and sorrow and desperation.  "It's... it's not like I'm.. dating him.  I'm not going back to Texas.  I'm just... just talking.  I miss him."  He knew how that sounded, and he grimaced, pulling away from Mateo's hand so he could look down at the floor.  God, he was pathetic, wasn't he?

He supposed he could understand why Caleb might miss him. It was all he’d known when it came to relationships. “What do you miss about him?” As much as Mateo wanted to order Caleb to never message that... sorry excuse for a Dom again, he knew a gentler approach would be needed.

Caleb shrugged and rested his chin on his knee.  "He wasn't all bad," he said quietly.  "...He was funny.  When he emails me... They still make me laugh.  And..."  He turned his face away from Mateo so he couldn't see the tears that felt like they were coming.  "He misses me.  He... he hardly ever sends angry messages anymore.  And... he was so happy to hear from me.  Said he misses me and he still- still loves me."  His voice cracked at the end.  He hadn't talked about Mark like this with anyone.  He'd talked about the pain, and why he'd left.  He hadn't talked about why he'd stayed for five years.

His hand came up to the back of Caleb’s neck, fingertips lightly running over the ends of his short hair. “I’m not surprised he misses you. It would be impossible not to miss you,” he murmured. “I know that all sounds wonderful. But I want you to think about something you said. He hardly sends angry messages anymore,” Mateo quoted, pausing to see if Caleb would say anything.

Caleb shook his head.  "I know, I know, it's- God, it's so stupid, I'm such a fucking idiot.  I know he- he mistreated me.  And I still miss him.  How pathetic is that?  I- I used to get so mad at him.  And I miss him anyway, I miss his jokes and- and the stuff we used to talk about, the stupid inside jokes and the way he could be sweet sometimes..."  Caleb covered his face with both hands.  "He wasn't all bad," he insisted.

“You’re not an idiot,” Mateo said firmly, squeezing his neck gently. “You were with him for years. It makes sense that you miss him. But hermanito... you cant keep clinging to what you had. You know now it was unhealthy and not good, and continuing to speak with him might not be the best idea. He doesn’t seem like the type to let go.”

Caleb shook his head again, but not enough to dislodge Mateo's hand.  He didn't want Mateo to stop touching him.   "It's not hurting anyone," he insisted weakly, even though he knew it wasn't a good enough excuse.  He knew he shouldn't be doing it.  Why else would he have hidden it?   "He's been emailing me... since I left.  Once or twice a week.  And I... I didn't say anything back until a few weeks ago, but I just...  I don't know.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I hate that I miss him so much."  He was trembling, trying desperately not to cry in front of Mateo.

“It’s hurting you,” he pointed out quietly. Mateo let out a soft breath, shifting on the couch to be closer to him, his arm sliding more fully around the other man. “Can you explain to me why you answered him the first time?”

Caleb shook his head.  He couldn't explain it.  He didn't know why.  "I just... He... he sounded...  He wasn't angry, but he was upset.  He said he just wanted to know that I was okay.  But... he'd said that before.  Lots of times.  I.. I don't know why it was different.  I just..  Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry.  Please don't tell anyone."

“Caleb. You’re not an idiot,” he said again, his tone a bit more firm this time. “I won’t tell anyone. For now. If I find out this is continuing though, I’m not holding my tongue. You have something beautiful growing with Eric and Maverick. They’re your future, hermanito. I’m not saying you’ll be able to forget the feelings you have for him overnight, but they will fade. I promise.”

Caleb shrank into himself at Mateo's harsher tone.  But he listened, and he nodded, because he knew Mateo was right.  He couldn't keep doing this.  He shouldn't.  But it was so hard.  After a second, Caleb turned towards Mateo, but couldn't bring himself to meet the Dom's eyes.  Instead, he looked down at his own hands in his lap.  "Thank you, Sir.  I... I know I don't deserve to ask for anything right now, but... can.. can you hug me?  Please."

He didn’t reply right off - he just pulled Caleb onto his lap, hugging the switch to his chest. “There is nothing I can think of that would make me think ‘oh my brother definitely doesn’t deserve a hug.’ Well. Murder probably. Making me eat coconut. Conspiring with Nick to drive me batty,” he mused, trying to make Caleb laugh.

Under normal circumstances, Caleb would have laughed at that, but right now he barely managed a weak twitch of a smile.  He leaned into Mateo, laying his head on the Dom's shoulder.  "I'm sorry," he whispered.  "Do I....  do I have to be punished, Sir?"

He slid his hands over Caleb’s back slowly, trying to soothe the switch. “No. You don’t have to be punished for this, hermanito. But if I find out you’re still communicating with him that might change,” he warned.

Caleb nodded, accepting Mateo's decision.  He knew that he'd already asked a lot just getting Mateo agree not to say anything to Eric or Nick, so he had been prepared to accept a punishment without arguing, but he relieved he didn't have to.  "I don't understand what it hurts," he said quietly.  "Just talking to him.  I'm not going back to Texas."

“If Nick or Noah had someone in their lives that hurt them like Mark hurt you, would you want them speaking to that person?” he pointed out, keeping one hand stroking over his back. “He might not be able to physically hurt you, but he can mentally. Having him in your life doesn’t seem healthy at all.”

Caleb sighed softly.  "No, Sir.  I wouldn't want them talking him.  ...But...  I don't know what to do, Sir.  I miss him.  I hate that I miss him so much.  I still care about him.  I hate that he's hurting.  He hasn't.... I've found Eric and Mav, he doesn't have anyone."

“It’s not your responsibility to help him move on. Especially not if it takes a toll on your own mental health. The thing to do is not speak to him. Change your email. Don’t even read his messages. He doesn’t deserve to have you in his life, hermanito,” he said, trying to keep his tone under control but god, he needed Caleb to stop communicating with the bastard who had hurt him so badly.

Caleb shook his head and finally pulled back from Mateo's embrace.  He sat back, putting his hands in his lap and looking down at his knees.  "It doesn't feel right, just cutting him out completely.  But I'll do it, Sir.  I'll block his email address.  I just feel bad about it. I think... I think he didn't realize, a lot of the time, how difficult he was.  Even when he punished me, I think he really thought he was being a good Dominant."

He laid his hand on Caleb’s back again lightly. “That’s not your problem to remediate, hermanito. That’s something he needs to realize on his own.”

"Yes, Sir," Caleb said softly.  He had a sudden desire to go back to his room and be alone, but he couldn't do that.  Not until Thursday.  Which reminded him... "Sorry.  I'm not supposed to be calling you Sir.  I'm sorry, I forgot, I wasn't thinking about the event..."

He squeezed the back of Caleb’s neck lightly. “It’s all right, hermanito. You needed to be back in your role, I completely understand. It’s what makes you feel comfortable after all. And I’m here to serve you and be what you need.”

Caleb nodded but didn't look up, but hearing Mateo say he was here to serve him made his stomach clench uncomfortably.  "Can I-"  He cut himself off after a second thought about the question he was going to ask, and shook his head.  He couldn't ask Mateo to let him be submissive for a while, it defeated the purpose of the event if they just flipped roles just because Caleb felt like it.  Mateo had already given him a reprieve.  The desire to go hide in his room was increasing.

He raised his eyebrows at the cut off question. “Finish your question, please,” he requested gently. Mateo wasn’t about to deny his hermanito much - even if they weren’t in this event, he didn’t think he would be able to.

Caleb shook his head.  "I can't.  I'm supposed to be a Dominant until Thursday I can't just... give up.  I can't ask you to let me.  It's not right.  ...You let me be submissive for a little while, that has to be enough."

Every time Caleb did something like this, he hated Mark a little more for making him think he couldn’t ask for what he needed. Mateo gently took Caleb’s chin in his hand, looking into his eyes. “What do you need, Caleb?”

Caleb looked up at Mateo for a moment, then grimaced and shook his head.  "It's nothing, I'm fine."

His grip on Caleb’s chin tightened. “Caleb. I expect you to answer truthfully. So please try that again.”

Caleb winced both at the tighter grip and the sharper tone.  It was like it went right to the core of him.  It didn't matter that he was supposed to be the Dominant and that he didn't want to ask Mateo to mess up the event, because as soon as Mateo used that voice, the Dom voice, Caleb basically rolled over and showed his belly.  "I was going to ask if I could be submissive to you for a while, Sir," he said, looking chagrined.  "I'm sorry, Sir."

There it was. He leaned in to kiss his forehead, his fingers stroking lightly over Caleb’s chin. “Don’t be sorry for asking for what you need. Why don’t you kneel by me for a while, hermanito? Rest your head on my lap?” He suggested.

Caleb looked pained, and curled in on himself almost imperceptibly.  "I'm not supposed to," he protested weakly.  He wanted it so badly.  He wanted to submit and make everything else go away.  He couldn't handle this.  He couldn't handle the world, or Mark, or any of this, and he just wanted the peace and mental quiet that came from submitting.  But it felt like he was cheating.   It felt like he was being bad, and Caleb couldn't handle that either.  "Are.. are you sure it's okay?  To take a break from the event?"

“You’re supposed to be acting as a Dom with a submissive. To take what you need from that submissive and trust they will do their best to fulfill those needs. That’s exactly what’s going to happen,” he assured him, squeezing the back of his neck again, hoping to comfort him.

Caleb frowned, because he really wasn't sure that that applied to him kneeling for Mateo and very clearly submitting, but he nodded.  He didn't have the mental wherewithal to argue right now.  He slid off the couch and onto his knees, and then shuffled until he was facing Mateo, his hand in his lap and his head bowed.  It felt marginally better.

He sighed mentally in relief when Caleb moved to kneel in front of him. Mateo leaned back against the couch, slowly carding his fingers through the switch’s hair and just letting him relax where he was, hoping this would help.

Caleb leaned his head into Mateo's hand, but otherwise stayed perfectly still, his eyes on the floor.  He was so tense, it was obvious from the way he wasn't even fidgeting like he would have done if he was only nervous.  He knew he needed more than this, but he was so reluctant to ask.  He wasn't even sure what would be okay for him to ask for in this situation.  He felt hamstrung and it was killing him.  "Sir?" he said in a small voice after a few minutes, without looking up.  "Is it okay if I..."  He trailed off and swallowed, then tried again.  "I don't know what it's okay for me to ask for."

Mateo felt a little more at ease himself as he just sat there with Caleb kneeling for him. But he leaned up a bit, looking down at the switch. “You can ask me for anything, hermanito,” he assured him.

Caleb grimaced, because that didn't help him narrow it down, and he really didn't feel like a lot of his normal options were on the table.  "I need to make my brain stop and it won't," he said finally.

This time he couldn’t stop the sigh he let out, running his fingers through Caleb’s hair. “Go into the spare room, take off your shirt and kneel by the bed. I’ll be there in a moment,” he said, his tone leaving no room for argument.

Caleb nodded without looking up. "Yes, Sir." He stood and headed to the spare room, where he'd been sleeping, and pulled off his shirt and dropped it on his bag. He knelt on the floor by the bed just as he had in the living room, with his hands in his lap and his head bowed.

He waited until Caleb had moved into the spare room before getting up to retrieve a couple of water bottles from the kitchen, then a thin silk rope from his own room. Mateo sat on the bed, resting a hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “I’m going to tie a harness onto you, hermanito. Then your arms. From there, we’ll see how you feel. Okay?”

Caleb stayed perfectly still, his posture straight and his head bowed, even as Mateo entered the room. "Yes, Sir," he answered softly. "Thank you, Sir." He felt guilty for asking for this when he wasn't supposed to, but so grateful for Mateo's help.

He sent up a hopeful prayer that Sue hadn’t bugged the rooms somehow before kneeling in front of Caleb so he could begin tying the ropes around him, his work steady and methodical, the line of knots perfectly even across Caleb’s chest.

Caleb watched Mateo for a moment, then just closed his eyes. He didn't need to see what was going on. He just needed to stay still until Mateo moved him. The rope was soft against his skin, it had to be silk. It felt really nice. He hadn't had ropes on him in a while. As it started to wrap around him, containing him, he felt himself starting to relax.

He finished off the chest harness easily, then moved behind the other man to start tying his arms. Mateo took his time, lining up the knots perfectly from shoulder to wrist, making sure they were just tight enough so Caleb wouldn’t be able to ignore them.

Caleb kept his eyes closed as Mateo worked, but it was comforting to hear and feel his movement and know that he was close. He let Mateo move and position his arms without any resistance. The ropes were right, certainly tight enough that Caleb couldn't move his arms at all, but they didn't pinch or constrict any vulnerable places. It wasn't a surprise, Mateo was an experienced Dom, of course he knew what he was doing. By the time Mateo finished, Caleb felt far calmer than he had ten minutes ago. He felt safe and contained, and he knew Mateo would stay with him and take care of him.

He stood once he was finished, moving in front of Caleb and running his fingers through his hair. “Feeling better, hermanito?” He asked softly, hoping the bondage itself would help ease Caleb’s anxiety.

Caleb opened his eyes again when Mateo spoke, looking up at his brother in law.  "Yes, Sir," he said softly.  He leaned forward to rest his forehead on Mateo's thigh.  "May I stay like this a while?  If... if you want to sit on the couch or something, I can move, if you help me up... Please?"

"We can certainly do that. I have a couple episodes of Flip or Flop I need to catch up on," he said with a little laugh. Mateo helped Caleb to his feet, leading him out into the main room. He kept a steadying hand on the switch's back as he got back down onto his knees before settling himself next to him on the couch.

Caleb smiled a little at that, and let himself be helped up.  He could probably stand on his own, but it was easier with Mateo steadying him.  He walked back out to the living room, and then knelt next to the couch, again appreciative of Mateo's guiding hand on his skin.  "Thank you, Sir," he murmured as Mateo sat next to him.  Caleb kept his eyes down on the floor, trying to be small and unobtrusive.  He didn't want to be a bother to Mateo, who hadn't signed up for this.

He leaned over to press a kiss to the top of Caleb's head. "I like taking care of people I love, hermanito. You don't have to thank me," he murmured against his hair before sitting up. Mateo flipped the TV on, his free hand moving to run through the switch's hair as the episode played.

Caleb nodded  and tipped his head into Mateo's hand, but didn't otherwise move.  It helped, being bound, because it meant that he couldn't move from where Mateo wished him to be.  He stayed as still as possible, and that helped too.  It eased the whirling in his mind, quieted things down.  He was good.  There was nothing he should be doing.  He was being good.  Worries and fears still flashed through his mind, thoughts of Mark, the messages he'd received, the one he wanted to send but couldn't.  Thoughts of Mateo and how it must be annoying to be saddled with Caleb for a week, when Caleb couldn't even manage to be a Dominant when he'd explicitly agreed to do it.  Some switch he was.  But at least Caleb wasn't panicking.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[weabbynormalblog]

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

[freaksneedfriendstoo]

My name is Julie and I have a very real and moving Testimony I would like to share with you. Please share this with anyone struggling with mental health, abuse or addiction so that they can know Gods power.

I was born in Toronto in 1983 and taken by CAS at 3 months old. The details surrounding this are sketchy for me but basically my mother got arrested and she got my aunt to watch me who then gave me to a lady she met on the street. I had a very bad cough and the lady took me to the hospital who called CAS because apparently I had bruises. I spent 10 months in foster care and was then adopted. I had psycological problems from the start and would destroy and rip everything apart. I think its because I never had normal bonding or was traumatised. I spent my youth very bullied and I would usually just walk around by myself all recess watching the other kids play. I liked to be alone and at 11 I was taken to a psychiatrist because I became so reclusive and stopped wanting to even eat. I would just listen to my micheal jackson tapes over and over on my walkman with my face buried in the couch.

I started cutting myself at 14 and smoking weed and cigarettes. I got sent to a psychiatric ward the summer after grade 9 and would never live with my adoptive parents again. I got passed through such facilities as Youthdale, Whitby psyc, Thistletown in Etobicoke and Crossroads run by Kinark. In the hospitals I was frequently left alone in restraints tying me to a bed and given so many drugs my personality was gone. My adoptive parents didnt even know me anymore when they visited.

At Whitby I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by a team of psychiatrists. I frequently would run away from the group home crossroads and once in a fit of rage I climbed the fire escape and threw myself off the roof. An ambulance arrived and put me on a board. I had hairline fractured my lower back.

Shortly after this I ran away from there for good and met up with a 25 year old man named Andrew. I was 16 at the time He was homeless and I stuck to him like glue as he showed me how to live on the street. He had a terrible temper and would beat me especially when he was drunk. I spent 11 months with him living on the street in abandonded houses, under a bridge and for a short time in an apartment in Bradford they we got through a worker. The police would get called to the apartment because people would hear me screaming from him hitting me. I was abusing cocaine and would use anything I could to get high.

After we left there we stayed on the street again and one night around 2am Andrew was drunk and he was literally beating me to death. He was sitting on me and just going at it. He put his hand in my mouth and tried to break my jaw. When I looked in his eyes it was like he didnt even know me anymore. The thought came into my mind to yell at him and desperate I started yelling at him to get away from me. To my astonishment he actually walked away from me yelling at me. I got up and ran pausing for moment to gaze a my reflection in a store window. My face was all swollen and bruised. I ran behind a mall and found a man making deliveries who called mall security who called the police.

I got placed in a group home in Newmarket called Heritage Lodge. I met a 26 year old drug dealer named Doug and started dating him. He got me into using needles shooting cocaine and oxycitin. I would abuse any pills to get high such as Gravol. He would also hit me and I got kicked in the head by him 2 times in a row with shoes on so hard I blacked out for a moment. He got arrested for this and then I went back to him about 6 months later. I had no feelings of self worth or real love.

When I was 18, I took an overdose of pills and went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal. They put me in a small room to wait and see someone. The room had a framed picture on the wall and sadly I broke the glass in the frame and I slit my wrists so badly up and down my forearm that my arm is disfigured by scars for the rest of my life. 4 thick, ropey scars.

At 19 I got pregnant by Doug and went with the baby to a womans shelter when the baby was around 3 months old. We went to Rosalie Hall in Scarborough and Sandgate womans shelter. I recieved emergency housing and was given a one bedroom apartment in a co-op. So now it was just me and my baby. My adoptive parents lent me a small black and white tv and a sleeping bag and I would camp out on the floor snuggling my baby until I got furniture.

After about a year I felt this urgency to find out the truth in life. I went to a used book store called Random Books to see what I could find. I found a book called There’s A New World Coming. The title sparked my interest so I bought it. I took it home and read it right through. It was all about Bible prophecy. At the end of the book was a prayer to recieve Jesus as your Saviour. I recognized that I was a terrible sinner and jumped at the chance to have a Saviour. I prayed for Jesus to be my Saviour and to forgive my sins. I confessed my faith in Him.

Then I tell you the truth I felt God’s indescribable, powerful love washing over me like gentle ocean waves. I spent like a week crying and praying. Confessing my sins. You see having borderline disorder the only thing I had ever felt was desperation. Desperation to be loved but I had no idea what love was nor could I express it. I had felt rage, I had felt pain like there was a giant hole in my chest.

In that moment God filled that hole with His love and peace. He gave me His Holy Spirit and great faith. He forgave me for all my wretched sins because of His great mercy. I have never been the same.

I began distributing Bible tracts and going to church. I got baptised on June 12 2005 and my baptism certificate sits by my bed. Instead of self destruction and self hatred I can by the power of the Holy Spirit feel love and compassion for others. I will help anyone and am moved to express love for others in whatever way I can.

God has filled me with His great compassion for the homeless as I know what it is like to sit panhandling. This new creation He has made in me prepares packages with Bible tracts and gift cards and treats and now I go seek out the broken and the lost on the streets of Toronto every two months.

This Christmas the Holy Spirit moved me to prepare gifts for the homeless and I set out Christmas morning with a hockey bag filled with wrapped packages of pot of gold chocolates, gift cards, handmade cards filled with Scriptures about hope and belonging. ‘No Greater Love Then Jesus’ is what the covers read. God uses me to bring His love to them. God’s love and compassion are the most beautiful things I have ever felt and He fills my heart in an indescribable way. This is just one example of what God has done in my life.

So when people dont believe in God I can tell them without a doubt that God is real. He has done a miracle in me. Everything in the Bible is true. God is good. He is pure in everyway. He is light and He sent His Son Jesus to destroy the works of the devil. The devil devours kids like I was but the Lord rescues them. He saves them.

My name is Julie and I am a living testimony that God is mighty to save and with His Spirit, He can transform even the most broken, hopeless person. Its all about having faith in Jesus and surrendering to His Spirit. Chris Tomlin music has helped me greatly with this as it is so soothing to my soul.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentless, faithfulness and self control. I really rely on God’s Holy Spirit as apart from Him I cant feel love, peace, compassion or joy. It’s not things I can or have produced on my own. The works of the flesh (me without Jesus) were all destructive and led to death. Here is my poem called broken that I wrote 12 years ago during the first week I was saved. It poured from me like water.

BROKEN I look at my wrists, I see the scars I search my soul, I know my shame I’ve been led by the blind and beaten down by sin I should have died, but You wouldn’t let them win I see Your hands, the holes in Your palms I know your glory has overcome all pain I turn to You Lord, in my broken suffering A love unimaginable, how can this be In all my wretchedness, You reached out to save me A soul so pure, my hero, Your truth The word of God that whispered to my heart and set me free As I tripped over trials, in this deathly darkness I looked for the way Your light opened my soul and my eyes lit up with hope You showed me a path that I can now take Thanks to Your selfless sacrifice This girl will never fade away I toddle like a baby, into Your strong hands I am Yours, You have made me new again Paralized with tears, my repentance shakes my being Then You kiss my tears away and I am no longer unclean Thank you Father, my cross I’ll bear 'Till the day I go home, when You shout from the sky All Your children will run to You with a happy cry And there I’ll be, tucked safely under Your wing As we fly away, this life will have seemed like a dream I will never forget how You gave Yourself for me I love you Lord Jesus