#i cant rly feel excited abt it this year so i figured

[potionio]

I've come to wish you an unhappy birthday.

[sammyloomis]

2023 completions

welcome to the 2023 edition of my ramblings about video games i completed this year!! including even more unwanted opinions and even less coherency

total games: 37

09/01 - Sam & Max Save the World - 8/10

sam and max, freelance police, begin a long string of investigations involving hypnotised celebrities, sentient computers, and conspiracies that go all the way to the TOP, baby

startin the year off good game wise then!! tbh i started this one in 2022 but it didnt make that list cause i just.. wasnt in a game playin mood towards the end i guess fghj but anyway!! really liked this one, ive seen a few mutuals who like this series so i was excited to play it and it was a lot of fun :] defo an old school point and click game and i rly liked the main characters themselves and the supporting cast!! glad theres another remaster i can jump into right after this one

11/01 - Dark Pictures Anthology: The Devil In Me - 8/10

the crew of lonnit entertainment are invited to a recreation of the infamous murder house, the stomping grounds of americans first serial killer, h h holmes. they are hoping the location will help save their documentary, but will you be able to save... THEIR LIVES??

i feel like every dark pictures game becomes my fave dark pictures game as they come out, but this one really was Very Good. i can confidently say this is probably the most scared ive been while playing a supermassive game Ever. the characters, while dysfunctional, grew on me a lot over the course of the game which made keeping them alive even more nailbiting :’] speaking of, the deaths in this one were Particularly gruesome imo, just from a concept standpoint, so big kudos for that too!! my only gripe is that i think the new “features” such as puzzle solving and traversal mechanics just artificially prolonged the runtime without actually adding anything to the experience

15/01 - Sam and Max Beyond Time and Space - 7/10

even more weird shit is afoot in the second sam and max game, this time our duo facing off against T-H-E-M, the bermuda triangle, and satan himself!! ... or was it santa??

2 sam and max games in one month, this may have detrimental effects on my brain :’] but really, i liked this one too!! not as much as the first, but i still liked the characters and overall story, i liked how it all connected to both the previous game and the events through this one. i found some of the puzzles a bit more difficult and obtuse, but they were still fun. another fun point and click game (tho somewhat dated in some cases fghjk)

18/01 - Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments - 5/10

the game preceeding sherlock holmes: the devils daughter, which i completed last year, follows the titular character once more, solving 6 of his cases along with his partner dr john watson

eh, not much to say about this one. i certainly prefered the devils daughter, but that one was also kinda meh fghjk. with this one being an older game, the graphics and gameplay were a bit more janky, and i guess theyd changed voice actors for sherlock since this game cause i didnt like his voice in this one tbh. that being said, mystery wise id say its abt on par with the devils daughter. yeah, again, not much to say really :’]

24/01 - Psychonauts 2 - 10/10

a mole in headquarters, an evil from the past is rising again, and even MORE figments hidden in really obscure places... another day at the psychonauts office :V raz once again must delve into various brains to figure out what the Fuck is goin on

okay this game was literally so fkn good in every aspect. visually stunning, amazing story, brilliant characters both new and returning... GOD!!! what the first game did well, this one blew it CLEAN out of the water, i loved it a lot!! like idk what else to even say, it was just such a solid game i cant think of much to critisise :’]

04/02 - AI: The Somnium Files - 3/10

kaname date works for the police force for a department unknown to the general public, using groundbreaking technology, he delves into the minds of suspects and uncovers clues using their own memories. when a body shows up resembling a victim of a serial killer from a cold case, he begins his investigation

... man... spike chunsoft rly just know how to make characters that grate on me fghjk for starters ill praise the original concept and interesting story (when it finally got around to being revealed), but i disliked/was uninterested in most of the characters and thought the tropes they kept using were annoying and just plain weird. im not fully sure Why this game was a branching path type game since it never really plays into the plot and the main story could have easily been told with a single storyline. overall, didnt rly enjoy this one, but what can ya do they cant all be winners :’]

13/02 - Sly Cooper and the Thievious Raccoonus - 5/10

sly cooper, youngest descendent of the illustrious cooper thief clan, had his familys secrets stolen when he was just a lad. now he sets out to retrive what was taken from him and beat up some bad guys as he does

i gotta commend this game for the humour and the creativity with it, and im defo lookin forward to playing the rest of these games based off this one, but i think this first entry suffers from a lot of Jank that made it quite frustrating to play :’] also, there wasnt any way to mute anything except the music or adjust the volume so it would routinely blow the FUCK out of my eardrums. that bein said tho, still fun, very quick game, but im keepin it a low rating cause im expecting to like the later ones better :’]

26/02 - Hidden Agenda - 2/10

the infamous “trapper” killer makes a final confession while counting down the days on death row, claims he never killed anyone and he can help lead the police to exactly who did. detective becky marney must investige this case one more time and decide if hes lying, or if the killer is still afoot

im so so SO sorry to my friends who like this game but besties.... why fghj for starters i was locked out of playing it for almost 2 years when the app you are REQUIRED to use in order to play this thing just stopped working, and when i finally did start playing the jank didnt stop with just the app. the whole game seems to be a broken mess with textures flickering in and out, characters walking thru solid objects, its MADNESS. the story and characters are so.... not interesting :[ it takes only 2 hours to do a full runthru of the story so i never rly grew to care abt them and theyre so flat anyway that i didnt Want to. if it wasnt so clearly rushed i think itd be good, and some of the acting is actually rly stellar, but overall...... its a no from me

04/03 - Minecraft - minecraft/10

its minecraft

technically i already got the plat ages ago but this year i finally got the coveted 100% so.... yeah ;w; i mean we all know what minecraft is so like...... idk what to say abt it guys, u already know how good it is (tho the console version is Vasty inferior to pc)

05/03 - Death Stranding - 8/10

after a world ending catastrophe dubbed the death stranding wiped out modern life as we know it, humanity is scattered across america. its up to sam porter bridges, post apocalyptic delivery man, to travel across the country and unite those that remain

depsite how confusing this game was, and how slow it was paced, and how fkn damn weird it was half the time, i still had a lot of fun playing it :’] i enjoyed the characters, tho wish certain ones had more limelight, i enjoyed the actual gameplay, tho by the end game i was finding it a bit Too repetetive, and i found the story rly interesting, when i could understand what was going on fghj so basically for every good thing i liked, it was countered by something, tho they are fairly small things. also the ending cutscene is an hour n a half long and i was fkn 3 am when i was finally allowed to exit the damn game so, u know, beware of that

10/03 - Ratchet & Clank - 7/10

young mechanic ratchet, with his new buddy clank, join the galactic rangers in stopping the blargs from destroying countless planets in order to build their own

another game thats been on my backlog for ages, im glad to have this one done and dusted :’] i certainly had fun playing it, but i feel like it was a bit Too kiddy in some places for my personal taste (dialogue and humour wise that is, but since this was also made by insomniac of spiderman fame, it makes sense) and after a certain point the game becomes piss easy with all the upgrades u get, but i still enjoyed it

03/04 - Sly Cooper 2: Band of Thieves - 5/10

sly and his pals return to their thieving ways after learning that the infamous klaw gang have begun reassembling parts for slys arch nemesis; clockwork. they travel across the globe to stop them

man my descriptions are getting worse fghj but anyway, as with the first game, i rly enjoyed the characters!! and the music, and... thats pretty much it. i really dont know what it is about these sly games that i just cant seem to enjoy the gameplay but i Really Really dont have fun while playing them :[ which is a shame cause, like i say, great characters that id like to spend more time with. if this was supposed to be the best in the series, i think im gonna give the 3rd and 4th games a miss for now, but maybe ill come back to them in the future

29/04 - Last Day of June - 7/10

a short game depicting a young couple named carl and june, and the tragedy surrounding their relationship

this game doesnt actually have a plat, which is something im trying not to be too picky about going forward in terms of playing games, but even tho this game was super short i really liked it!! the story is rly simple but incredibly sad, and even though theres a lack of “voice acting” in the traditional sense, there was still a lot of great emotive acting in this. that being said, the fact some of the voices sounded so odd detracted from the seriousness of the plot sometimes, and the actual gameplay was kinda boring, but still a solid short game :]

29/04 - Predator Hunting Grounds - 1/10

DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME

OH THE AGONY OH THE PAIN OH THE HOURS OH THE WASTED YEARS THE WASTED YOUTH THE PRETTY LIES THE UGLY TRUTH

and i dont like it >:[

03/05 - Linger in Shadows - 1/10

this... isnt even a game apparently

i had it on my list of things to check out while i had the ps plus premium thinking it Was a game, but its not. its a strange kind of “art” thing according to the guide i used. i didnt rly know what was going on fghj. certainly a unique experience i suppose but nothing id recommend u go out of ur way to do, even if it takes literally 10 minutes to get all the trophies (no plat either)

08/05 - Kurushi - 2/10

ps1 puzzle game, another one from the ps plus catalogue

not much to say abt this one again fghj seems like these last few games have been kinda duds huh :’] ah well, theres certainly better games on the horizon i suppose. as said, this is just some puzzle game from the ps1, janky controls and all. the music is surprisingly good, sounds almost like disney instrumentals :’] not that fun without assisstance tbh

09/05 - The Gardens Between - 6/10

a very short puzzle game following 2 friends exploring a strange series of islands that tell the story of their friendship

when i say short i Mean short. like even without a guide i got this completely done in 2 1/2 hours, and that included me leaving the game on while i went to get something to eat from the kitchen. that being said, its a very cute game!! i enjoyed the puzzles, the style is nice and Capital-I-Indie, the musics nice and relaxing. the story was also nice, if sad, (can i say nice a few more times??? nice nice nice nice) but i just think this game is Wayyyy too short dfghj i think a lot more could have been done with it :’] glad i didnt pay the full £15 for this as it would have been a bit of a rip off

09/05 - Nelson Tethers: Puzzle Agent - 8/10

fbi agent tethers is sent out to the minnesotan town of scoggins to investigate the local eraser factory shutting down

damn we’re just flying thru em now huh! ive actually played and 100%’d this game before on steam, as well as its sequel so i suppose im a little biased :’] but i rly like this game!! another short one, and another puzzle one, but i rly love the art style and story, as well as the puzzles being fairly simple but still fun!! its a shame the second game never made it to ps or id complete that one too but yeah, fun and simple puzzle game, defo recommend :] like most games like this tho, i wish it were longer

11/05 - ABZU - 6/10

you are a diver on a journey through the ocean, discovering the creatures that inhabit the waters

short n sweet indie game (anotha one) and this one was pleasant!! i rly liked the style and music, the story was simple but told fairly well, and just overall a nice game :] beyond that, not much to say tho fghj defo a very pretty game, and id recommend if you have an interest in marine life n such, but beyond that its pretty bog standard indie game

11/05 - The Pedestrian - 5/10

a short puzzle game where you traverse various signs as the tiny person within them

pretty straight forward puzzle game with a Weird ending that i dont quite understand fghj but overall it was enjoyable :’] most of these quicker games ive been playing lately have been super quick puzzle games so i might be getting burnt out on them, but even then i can appreciate the creativity of this one. its also another game with no plat which, considering it came out not 3 years ago, is kind of annoying

14/05 - Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons - 4/10

two brothers venture on a quest to find medicine for their sick father

another short puzzle game, with a pretty interesting feature!! you control each brother with an analogue stick each, which can make coordination in some parts quite tricky if ur me fghj overall a pretty decent game, the story was kinda meh for me but i thought the gameplay was interesting, not much else tho

20/05 - Bloodborne - 6/10

the town of yharnam is crawling with beasts and hunters alike. fight through the corrupted streets and discover the fetid depths of this city and all the inhabitants trying super duper hard to kill you

im editing this from when i first wrote it after immediately finishing the game because i was cranky and frustrated because i cant in good faith give this game a score lower than 5 (mainly because i know the fromsoft fans would dox and kill me). this game is visually very nice, in the sense that it looks Horrible, which fits the vibe. the gothic style along with the monsters are really unique and detailed to the point where some of them are hard to look at. that being said, i personally didnt like this game. at all. i know on a “technical” level its very good, but i struggled for a Long Time to “git gud” as it were and surprisingly, dying a million times because you cant dodge within a 1/2 second window before being stun locked to death GREATLY decreased my enjoyment of this game. and thats all im gonna say about it :V

21/05 - Black Mirror - 4/10

following the suicide of his father, david gordon returns to scotland from india to inherit his familys estate. however, there are strange mysteries surrounding this house and the family who occupy it

pretty short horror/puzzle game that was pretty light on both the horror and puzzles fghj tho this game had a surprising amount of animation that looks fairly good which was a nice surprise. the characters were fine, and the story started out quite interesting but just felt a bit... weird. especially the ending, the final climax is basically just a bunch of qtes that ends really abruptly with little push back from the villain :’] for a free game i guess i cant complain too much

23/05 - Vampyr - 8/10

dr johnathan reid, recently turned vampire, has just returned home to london after serving as a field medic during the war. the streets are crawling with rogue vampires, and an epidemic is spreading quickly through the city, all while johnathan is searching for his maker

FINALLY A GAME I ENJOYED. GOD. okay so this was surprising because ive heard a lot of people call this game p mid, and maybe id think the same if it wasnt preceded by a whole bunch of Crap ive recently played, but here we are!! i really loved the chracters, i thought they were all fun and interesting, even the ones we dont meet for too long, and i also found the story super compelling!! the game Does have a bit of jank to it, with weirdly long loading times (even on the ps5) and the occassional graphical error, but otherwise i rly enjoyed this one :]

31/05 - Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart - 9/10

seperated after dr nefarious begins ripping holes into other dimensions, ratchet and clank must team up with another lombax named rivet and stop the universes from collapsing altogether

man this game was so fun!! i got the whole thing done and dusted over the course of 2 days :’] the writing was still a bit cheesy for me, and as implied the play time is Outrageously low for the steep price (which i thankfully avoided cause ps plus), but the gameplay itselt was Incredibly fun and engaging!! defo a huge step up from the first game in this reboot series. i also rly loved rivet so that certainly helped :’]

02/06 - Lake - 5/10

meredith weiss, a successful programmer, moves back to her childhood town of providence oaks to fill in her her dad at his post office job. deliver mail to the residents of this lakeside town and decide how meredith wants to end her 2 week stint

pretty cute indie game i got through ps plus, i kinda wish the whole thing Was just a post delivery simulator :’] the characters are okay, the storys okay if a little eh.... i wanna say Loose?? like the plot beats (if u can call them that) feel kinda boring n half arsed. theres also a random romance option in this which feels?? out of place and doesnt actully impact anything that much. overall its an okay game, like i say the thing i found the most fun was driving around delivering post but maybe thats just my autism showing :V

13/06 - PowerWash Simulator - 10/10

i mean... kinda does what it says on the tin guys

is a 10 a bit generous?? maybe. do i particularly care?? absolutely not. this game is a 10 if ever there was one. i truly dont know how else to sell this if the idea of cleaning stuff with a powerwasher isnt immeditely appealing to you like, maybe You’re the problem :V this game also has a weird amount of lore?? which is also v fun fghj so do with that info what you will

19/06 - LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean - 7/10

a lego retelling of all 4 pirate movies, with all the usual lego bells and whistles

pretty typical lego game, so the gameplay and stuff is p fun!! ive actually never seen these movies so i didnt rly know what was goin on half the time, especially because this is an Older lego game so theres zero voice acting in this. i also had quite a few crashes and bugs while playing where i had to restart either the level or the whole game, which got annoying during the cleanup grind. overall tho, cant go wrong with a lego game tbh

17/08 - Chicory: A Colorful Tale - 9/10

after all the colour in the world disappears out of nowhere, you must go on a quest across the picnic province to restore it using a magic paintbrush

you may notice the significant time gap between the last game and this one and uhhhh ngl folks i was Not Gamin dfghj i was Tired n a lil Sad but eh what can ya do, but this was a great game to come back with!! absolutely loved this one, super adorable art style and gameplay that reminded me a LOT of toem, very similar vibes but this game is much longer imo. id give it a perfect 10 if the collectibles weren’t so horrid to find fghjk but other than that cant recommend this one enough!!

29/08 - Observation - 7/10

dr emma fisher wakes up after the space station on which she resides undergos a catastrophic failure. take control ships ai, S.A.M., and attempt to reboot the systems and find the crew, who have all mysteriously disappeared...

rly quite liked this one!! the fact u control the ships ai is a pretty interesting feature and made the interface really cool and sci-fi lookin, defo alien inspired on that front. i liked the story, even if it Did get a bit confusing, and the voice acting was also pretty stellar!! gotta dock points for some classic indie game Jank, and the fact that there isnt a whole lot goin on gameplay wise (p much entirely minigames that arent that well explained to you that u only end up doing once) but the story and overall eerie atmosphere rly saved it for me

31/08 - OMNO - 5/10

short indie game where u travel through a mystical world, solve puzzles, and meet extraordinary animals

theres indie games and then theres Indie Games, u know?? this is the latter. and thats not a bad thing!! it just means its kinda... predictable. usual fare of no voice acting, gorgeous music, simple but stylised graphics etc etc. it was pretty cute and the puzzles were fun, but some of the controls felt a bit clunky and like i say, a little boring story wise imo (but maybe ive just played too many of these types of games). perfectly middle of the road :’]

03/09 - Tacoma - 7/10

you have been sent on a mission to retrieve the ai from a ship where all the crew have seemingly vanished (sounds a bit familiar huh?? all sci fi is the same (affectionately)). explore the ship and piece together what happened to everyone

anotha one, anotha sci fi indie game :’] rly liked the story of this one!! and it was an interesting mechanic to be able to view scenes of the crew via an AR system, and then also view their files and such. despite their limited appearances, all the crew members were interesting and unique, and no spoilers but it made the ending and its lead up a lot more exciting and intense. gotta dock points for how Glitchy this game was, it crashed at one point and started stuttering so bad i had to restart it manually, and also for how short it is. still, good story, good characters

06/09 - Chicken Police: Paint it RED! - 8/10

a gritty noir point and click detective game where u play as the infamous sonny featherland, one half of the crime fighting duo, chicken police. after a nervous dame shows up on his doorstep about her mistress recieving vague threats, he realises hes gotta take just one last case

anthropamorphic detective chickens..... played TOTALLY straight, mind you. like i was actually totally blown away by this game fghjk its Completely voice acted for one, and its Pretty Fuckin Good voice acting too, the story and mystery is Really interesting, the world its set in is super gritty and deep despite how little its kinda touched on through the story, i was very surprised!! i think the ending and reveal were a bit uhh.... abelist, not to get too into spoilers, but for a noir story i guess its par for the course. still, enjoyed this one!!

08/09 - The Testament of Sherlock Holmes - 5/10

a mutilated bishop, a deadly poison, and some other shady bullshit, its another sherlock holmes game

this is actually the oldest game in the series thats avilable on ps, ive kinda gone about playing these in the exact wrong order :’] that being said, i do think this is my Least favourite of the 3 ive played thus far. like crimes & punishment, this game also has plenty of jank, and the voice acting is a lil ehhh stiff for my taste. the puzzles were fine, the story was fine, overall just Fine. this game follows 1 case rather than multiple like its sequels do

10/09 - Garfield Kart: Furious Racing - 4/10

basically a mario kart clone but with garfield :]

now i am not one who loves racing games. in fact i suck quite badly at them. so u may wonder why i have a racing game in this list and well?? im ngl i bought this game as a meme and it ended up being so hard i had to put it down for a while dfghj BUT i came back to it and after hours of sweatin and gamer rage i DID IT!!! but at what cost. the game is fun, it looks nice, tho the only real garfield references it Has are its racers, the courses are kinda bland and generic. also the trophies...... my GOD the trophies..... not even a plat btw hhhh anyway if u like racing games check it out but if u Dont then DONT

17/09 - The Last of Us: Part 1 - 8/10

in the fungusy zombie apocalypse, smuggler joel is tasked with taking an immune girl, ellie, to a group of freedom fighters to create a cure. a remake of a remake :’]

obviously its good. i mean cmon. i remember watching a playthru of the OG og game wayyy back when so i kinda knew all the plot beats, but playing it myself in this beautiful 4k ps5 remake was Glorious (dont get me wrong, i think it was totally unnessesary to remake it AGAIN but it do look pretty). i can certaily see why this game has such a cult following and got the reception it did. maybe a Tad overhyped?? maybe a tad. but still good!! gameplay is solid, story is solid, characters are solid, whats not to like?? docking points for the frankly OBSCENE price point (luckily i got mine Mega cheap but go-LLY)

03/10 - The Last of Us: Part 2 - 10/10

after a devastating loss, ellie begins a gruelling quest for revenge and runs the risk of not only losing the ones she loves, but herself as well

i mean. fuck me guys. fuck ME. if the first game is good then this one is straight up glorious. the story is Vastly improved, so much tension and grey morality and Bone Deep Agony, emotionally and physically. its just such a hugely better game, both story and gameplay wise with a Bunch of new features and they arent afraid to take you to Extremely dark places with characters we already love and brand new ones too. this games going to be sitting with me for a long time i feel

and thats it for 2023!!

kinda fell off the gaming wagon in the final few months of this year due to a variety of reasons, but lets hope i can keep gettin games off the ol’ backlog in the new year :]

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

hey ari!!! hope ur doing super well <33 i dropped by to ask u a few things…….

let me know whenever u find the time to read my gojo fic… i made a few revisions over time and i’d rlly love to hear ur thoughts o valued gojo lover ;; its become very important to me , but no pressure :33

AND. need ur most brainrotting thoughts about sashishu por favor. for. research. yeah… research 🙇‍♂️

riko !!!! i hope ur doing super super well urself, im doing just fine <33 trying to finish this fic im writing so i can (hopefully) post it today pshjdh BUT its going good so far !!

i know i alr said it but !! i am so so excited to read ur gojo fic !! if i dont have time today then i will tmrw 🙏🙏 cant wait to rb it w a huge rant i took a lil peek at it n i can already tell its gonna be so good….

AND RIKO. tysm i appreciate u like no other, ive been waiting for a chance to rant abt my Absolute Beloveds……… this might get long im sorry but sashisu make me. genuinely insane

OK SO. just generally speaking…… to me, the biggest sashisu appeal is just. how grounded they are. to me. i feel like both jjk trios are very realistic but in different ways!!

like. the 2018 trio are just !! good friends and they care for each other and they have fun together. AND most importantly; they can be open w each other !! like all three of them are a lillll closed off and obviously traumatized but they can still be sincere with one another. yuji talks openly w both megumi and nobara, megumi’s whole arc revolves around him getting comfortable with the idea of leaning on others and being saved by others, and nobara’s whole character hinges on her just being unabashedly herself.

AND I LOVE THEM i really do but sashisu r just so….. different and also similar and they feel so real to me even though theyre all insane in the head.

because contrary to the 2018 trio, theyre all sort of. Cunts pshjdhd. LIKE. high school satoru is a brat and he thinks he can make friends by being a bully and hes kind despite that but hes also sooo infuriating, and suguru acts like hes better but hes rly not. theyre both assholes. same w shoko!! shes literally out here casually underage smoking and all three of them get in trouble n then blame it on each other n its just…. theyre just so fun. they bully each other but u can TELL theres love there.

and the greatest difference between the 2018 and 2006trio is that the former can be open with each other, but the latter cant. sashisu are doomed as a trio because theyre all so closed off and traumatized and repressed and they will never be as sincere with each other as yuji/megumi/nobara are.

and to me, thats the main reason why suguru defects !! not that its their fault, but the fact that they didnt notice — or maybe the fact that they DID notice but didnt know how to broach the subject — is the one factor that makes his defection almost unavoidable to me. because his best friends, his most loved people, were never the type to be vulnerable like that. and neither was he !!

theyre just so DOOMED riko….. suguru couldnt open his heart to satoru or shoko, satoru didnt notice suguru’s silence bc he was too busy making himself strong enough to protect them, and we dont know how shoko felt but she obviously didnt do anything even if she did notice smth was off. neither of them saw how much suguru was suffering, and suguru was extremely depressed and isolated and never once gave them the chance to help him.

the three of them just werent the type to have heartfelt conversations in the same way the other trio does, and i think sashisu just… figured they didnt need to. that they had that bond together and that it would always be enough. bc all three of them have these incredible powers that make them isolated and kind of miserable, but they were able to be kids only when they were together. during that one year, they got to feel that slice of normalcy and genuine friendship.

and then they lost it !! and shoko and satoru both regret it !!! and they were never able to hate suguru, and he was never able to hate them, even at the very end !!! and the thing that always breaks me is that its just so, so evident that they all loved each other. but it wasnt enough !! and i think thats such a …. grounded and real depiction of how it can be to love someone who’s ill, or traumatized, while you yourself are ill or traumatized. and you might love each other, and it might still not be enough. but the fact that the love was there still matters.

they were three child soldiers who only found comfort in each other, and they all crumbled under the weight of the world but even at the very end they still loved each other.

and for sashisu, that love never disappeared — both shoko and satoru became more responsible after suguru left, and together theyre able to protect so many of the students and their coworkers. and theyre still traumatized and arguably even MORE repressed but the two of them still stick together, and theres a comfort in knowing theyll always have that. (im ignoring the current manga arc its not canon to me idc)

THIS IS ALREADY SO LOONNGG i just. i ADORE them. theyre so good. but !! if we’re moving past just general analysis of them then !! i love to think abt…. sashisu x reader……. maybe one day ill finish my sss x reader series psjdjdj but !!!

i just think itd be such a fun n comfortable dynamic ?? bc they all complete each other in a way…. satoru is just kinda hyper n cuddly n sweet, n suguru is calm and teasing n warm…. and shoko is so chill but also so caring and . i Need them. all of them r so gorgeous i would fall to my knees and cry if i just saw them relaxing by the couch.

i feel like a reader dynamic w them would just be the four of u living together and spending the rest of ur lives doing the same things u did in high school….. going to karaoke n getting in trouble and eating food . etc etc. maybe getting a couple cats…. and a bunch of plants that would all die if it werent for suguru pshjdjs.

in conclusion they make me feel ill <3

(also riko…. pls read the pink lighter by nosferatui, its a sashisu fix-it time travel fic and its one of my favorites ever !! i still havent finished it but its complete and it genuinely changed my life the writing is so good it hurts)

[seongminiz]

ohh that’s really cool, sounds exciting! it’s nice to be able to learn about things that interest you and to be able to choose that, i’m not sure if/when i’ll go back to school but im hoping i can find smth that is interesting enough to hold my attention for a few years🤕🤕 but cinema and art history both sound interesting and having the focus on a specific culture is rly cool!! i do like language studies so it sounds exciting to learn korean or smth too, linguistics is very interesting to me in general :))

i hope u enjoy it and can stay if u wish to, but it’s nice to have options if u decide to switch too! i’m really happy for you tho<333

- 🧁 anon

yeahhh tbh i cant wait to start bc i genuinely didnt care at all abt what i studied in high school n it made my grades get sooo bad , but for uni i feel its different since theres more freedom abt it :) n i hope u find something that interests u too !! tbh i think its never 'too late' to go back to studying (or maybe im just saying that bc it took me an extra yr (6 instead of 5) to finish high school And i took a gap year after that lmao n through that whole process i went to like 5 different schools 😭) n u can take all the time u want n need !!! like at the end of the day u cant have it all figured it out right away n it takes time to find something u actually want to learn abt n might want to make a career in the future !

[icecreamkink]

so i watched cobra kai all in two days and i have so many -

this show has so many cool and smart angles to it, but the same time.... its so stupid oh my god everyone is so dumb literally mr miyagi held all of the braincells in this whole universe 

like i am but at the same time i am not surprised it was made like this, bc in hindsight of course there were hordes of ppl simping over johnny lawrence ....  but it still amuses me that this is like... an Actual Official Thing

ok this will get long so cut it is

how much fun this cast has is super visible and i love it

i rly enjoy how the world was expanded ! i did grow up watching the karate kid movies, so watching how they progressed the world of the movies so organically was pretty cool. it rly feels like its the same universe

i fucking LOVE stories that are largely about a Thing. dancing ,skating, sports its just so thrilling to experience this all consuming relationship people can have with this type of activity? and martial arts are just that much more intense, so yeah, grown ass men kicking each other around at the lightest provocation and a war veteran caring so much abt teen karate is Ridiculous.... but i love it all because thats the intensity i find so thrilling

was kinda surprised with how much im missing mr. miyagi. first because, like everyone is so unhinged jesus christo, it just really throws into relief how much his character grounded the narrative of the movies. but also hes just a really great character

and on that note it rly Gets Me that the show itself aknowledges that and plays that into daniels angst and all the little ways they sorta weave myiagisms into the whole show........ im not getting emotional over this dumb karate dads show OK

related - i really miss hearing ‘daniel-san’ 🥺🥺

ACE DEGENERATE oh god oh no

they really went down the down and out johnny lawrence route huh. like i was always kinda bummed we see kreese choking him and then we never see him again in the movies, and while i love dumpster fire problematic trash himbo ck johnny, its like......................... actually really sad that his life turned out like this fjngn

everytime i hear ‘babes’ and ‘pussy’ i die a little inside. i know thats the point but i am a v cringe easy person, have mercy (ehe)

loved the way they are constantly drawing parallels between johnny and mr. myiagi of all people. hes the handy man of his building that has a bullied kid asking for help and eventually steps up to teach them karate, beats up a bunch of bullies for him, creates a friendship with said kid, estranged from family, drinks his sorrows away, surprisingly one of the least quick to anger characters (which says more about everyone else really but.... Well.), no schemes or ulterior motives hes just tryna vibe here.... oh and ofc magically heals miguel of is asthma apparently. the true disciple.. meanwhile daniel is his usual messy petty self even tho he wants to be mr myiagi so bad 

also interesting about that is how miguels character is a parallel of both johnny and daniel at the same time

overall the parallels in ck are done really well, drawing comparisons and also subverting them constantly. theyre well thought out

THE PARALELOGRAMS

fr tho, the angle being explicitly the cycle of trauma and its effects and how trumatized adults in turn traumatize kids, maliciously or not, is so interesting

but! on the flip side of that, it feels like the writers are getting in their own way @ letting the characters grow. especially this last season. theres only so many times you can do "johnny and daniel are getting along but 5mins later they are (literally) fighting over some dumbass random issue" or "johnny puts in 20% of effort with robby and then gives up" before it gets on your nerves yknow?

i see daniel no longer talks like macchio ingested 15 shots of espresso before every take and idk how to feel about that tbh

interesting tension in daniel, as in, in tkk mr miyagi was there and daniel was frankly, kind of a lil shit, this messy petty spitfire hot tempered sassy kid,(johnny lawrence voice: just... stop being so annoying) but now hes the adult, and he wants to be mr. miyagi... but hes just not, and never will be to his very core and it shakes him and in a way hes trying to find who he is now that he sees himself in a position to be a not! cobra kai figure. i kinda really like that 

plus how that relates to his cobra kai trauma. idk if the writers thought abt it Like That, i think so, but in any case, its interesting bc it seems like daniel has told everyone whod listen about johnny lawrence his Pretty Boy Karate Rival and high school and 84 cobra kai... But. no one seems to know what went on in 85 (or 86? idk) which was just so much worse

like ye og cobras were shitheads, but tkk iii is just two hours of daniel being emotionally and physically tortured. 

like, the third movie is.............chaotic, to put it nicely, and many people ignore it, but the writers clearly didnt. daniels actions are, in a way, responding so much more to the events of tkk iii than to the first movie ie. johnny himself, AND. daniel doesnt rly seem to have dealt with that trauma? he never told sam? doesnt feel like hes ever told amanda? he doesnt even say terrys name out loud? freaks Out over kreese ? the way he reacts to robbys deceit? his FACE when he walks past the new "fear does not exist in this dojo" paint or kreeses photo? hmMm i sense Pain

his fashion tho........... disappointing. where are the flower shirts daniel huh we had one (1) shirt what a tragedy STOP WEARING SUITS ALL THE TIME . also the band ts/grunge bi are a look for johnny but part of me longs for the preppy lovable 80s bully chic johnny lawrence getups

weird that they never used that last moment of karate kid where johnny kinda... snaps out of his anger and hands daniel the trophy almost in tears. like “youre alright larusso, good match” “thanks a lot”  that being their last direct interection seems like itd be perfect fruit for cobra kai but... they just dont. weird. 

especially when, the FIRST SCENE they see each other, suposedly in 30+ years, the first thing to come out of daniels mouth is QUOTE "u still got those golden locks huh?" WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT DANIEL FUCKING SAN 

also amandas immediate reaction "your pretty boy rival?" like. can we talk about the fact that daniel had to have imparted to his wife the very important information that his high school bully/karate rival was like Really Cute and Fucking Hot Actually

 the writers Knew exactly what they were doing and honestly.............. power to them

tkk director voice: and billy was just so cute  

also I was thinking that daniel sounded strangely fond in that first scene, and i wonder if he developed a weird affection for johnny on the grounds that of all of his Karate Rivals johnny was actually the only one who didn’t actively tried to literally kill him

i was actually delightedly surprised with how great the chemistry between them is, like from the get go i am Invested. their rl friendship totally bleeds through and its fantastic

. granted, idiots enemies to lovers friends is my Thing so i am biased  

johnny lawrence: i am down in the dumps, i fucked up my whole life and my sons probably, largely in light of the trauma that the father figure sensei and the philosophy of my karate inflicted on me and all my friends. u know what i should do, as a traumatized, unreliable mess of an adult? teach that same philosophy to some other kids! what could go wrong! 

but really i enjoy the setup of it. i kinda like that i watched it late because, season 1 was johnny setting himself up for failure in a way and it was exciting to watch it all go to shit sjfn

Like. his heart might be in the right place, but theres just.... not a way to teach something like ‘strike hard, no mercy’ and not have it fuck up a kid 

case and point: aisha, miguel and hawk become annoying as all hell over that bullshit in the end of s1, even before shit gets truly fucked up

billys subtle panicked eyes when he sees hawk and miguel fighting dirty in the all valley was SO GOOD especially in parallel with the panic that is so visible in his face in the movie when kreese tells bobby to injure daniel and in the sweep the leg scene 

seen people question wether kreese should have returned and i absolutely think he needed to. johnny needed to realize that cobra kais fundamentals are flawed, at the root, beyond kreese himself being a toxic piece of shit 

also who are we kidding? we are here to see the tkk characters play on new playgrounds!

i get what they're doing abt kreeses backstory, ( also. cobra kai. pq eles caem nas cobras djjs sorry) but did it need to take up that much time? feels like they couldve  done it in half the run time and developed some other stories better 

martin kove has such an evil eye. i love it

love that we get a good follow up to kreese breaks johnnys trophy and tries to CHOKE HIM in the parking lot, which happened in the movie and then....................... was never mentioned again

“the gang is all back together again” aaaa u piece of SHIT 

also. terry silver is definetely appearing ha ha ha PAIN i cant wait

seen ppl say kreese was too much of a cartoon villain like..........................oh......... sweetie........... u dont even Know

interested how johnny will fit into that bc kreese was simping rly hard for johnny here. like i did not expect him to be so adamant to have him with cobra kai ... under his control, sure, but he really wants johnny by his side despite already having control of the dojo and how will terry silver self appointed jon kreeses forever simp going to feel abt that? 

like bitchs dropping by every episode like ‘joooooohnny ..... come bacc to me joooonny......... this ur last warning! for real this time johnny! i wont say it again! watch me ! im leaving johnny! im rly leaving ! im dragging a chair” and johnny is just like. dont let the door hit ya bitch it was so funny pls

and on that subject oof, johnny! doesnt! Know! he doesnt get that side of daniels cobra kai trauma. and i kind of.............. cannot wait for ck 2021 johnny lawrence to meet terry silver like. what a shit show i need a front row seat and popcorn (imagine terry tries some greasy charm and johnny just roundhouse kicks him in the teeth bc he just doest Not Have the Patience for This. glorious)

feels like we, as a society, should acknowledge that cobra kai will never die................ bc their sense of design is just chefs kiss. their name is COBRA KAI. they have sexie sleeveless black gis. theyve sneks. colorful leather jackets with embroided naja insignia, the get ppl thru the aesthetics. evil geniuses

the flashback cuts : masterpiece behavior

the other takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the differente angles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLOSE UP ON JOHNNYS FACE AT THE KICK 

that scene of daniel and johnny vibing to 80s music in the car. just. oh my god. the fan wish fullfilment. no thoughts head empty.

the new characters! theyre .... good. but. idk. i really like miguel (save for the annoying phase mid s1 - end s2) and amanda, who is a damn riot and has some functioning braincells, but everyone else is       

like dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone,its not a jane and rafael from jtv situation,  and i am interested and invested in their arcs, but i wouldnt say i like   Like them, as in, personality wise 

like, sams grappling with ptsd was rly gutting and i enjoyed that plus her slight rage issues, 

which nicely parallel torys rage issues. torys background is all over the place tho so im pretty on the fence abt her so far

robby deserves better in every way, and i like how smart and cunning and surprisingly sweet he is

hawk............... is there i guess,

 demetri is annoying in the best way possible,

 carmen is sweet but. i just feel like her character is blunted to make the johnny relationship easier. like when shes furious with him after miguels injury but then forgives him like an episode later? and then convinces him to fight for the tournament bc she had a karate epiphany off screen even tho she was always against it? meh. feels like with the plot thiccening she was swallowed and now shes like a crutch for johnny mora than anything, which is disappointing.

aisha was cool and im kinda mad she wasnt in s3, especially bc a storyline with her tory and sam was like RIGHT THERE , but also... cant say i was super super fond of her... doesnt feel like we ever spent enough time on her

moon the bi icon, 

overall its a good cast but the main draw for me remains the og cast 

the tory/sam miguel/robby Thing. enjoy how theyre Narrative Foils and i like how their stories were so dramatically entangled but oh god give me a break with the teenage love square for the love of god. if u gonna put us through that at least have the decency to not make it so straight

and honestly some sam/tory        miguel/robby romantic tension would even make more sense. just saying! 

also im not sure how i feel abt the cobra kai: red miyagi do: blue theyre going with since some of daniels most iconic looks in tkk are also red. like it was a color they (johnny and him) sorta shared. i get it, opposite but complementary but idk... a little too fire nation and water tribe for me .

 and like the cobra kai kids are so funny abt it bc their outifts grow progressively more ridiculously coordinated. its like do they group chat every morning before leaving their houses? 

robby still sticks out like that tho. he went thru an athleisure/daniel san tsleeves phase and now hes back in the bandts grunge, but his color scheme doesnt fully blend with the other cobra kais. hmmmm.

LOVED LOVED LOVED both the okinawa episode and the cobra kais easy rider episode just such good good heart aching fun

bobby is an icon. he was in tkk and he is now ck hope appears more and more

 tommy is like the most iconic background character. all his lines, freaking gold then and now. sigh :( 

the framing in the okinawa trip was so good everything was so good

i stand by the fact that kumiko was the love interest daniel had the most chemistry with and shes is overall such a joy to watch, loved to see her again, idola, fashion icon

also tkk ii is good u guys are just mean

also really enjoyed chozens role in the episode, his evolution; i love that they introduced the pressure points (ty lee the blueprint) and! the honk + karate! cousins! absolutely iconic

when kumiko reads mr miyagis letters........ oh my god, my eyes FILLED with tears, it was so heart wrenching :(( tamlyns delivery was so emotional and lovely and its so obvious everyone involved in ck has so much love and respect for pat morita and mr miyagi as character, and i adore that it exists like this electric current through the show

when we were watching i told my sister i thought that ali would be miguels big shot surgeon and ngl i am so disappointed that didnt happen. hire me cobra kai writers

also the johnny ali daniel amanda chemistry? off the charts

AND the sassy retconning of daniel and alis breakup! LMAO ‘I HOPE U DIDNT TELL MR MIYAGI IT WAS MY FAULT’ HFDJJGNKFKSD

i am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure back injuries dont work like that    but oke

daniel and johnny are so good together whenever, like they never actually help the kids or get shit done and end up fighting anyway but its just so much fun when theyre hanging

JOHNNY LAWRENCE AND DANIEL LARUSSO FIGHTING TOGETHER

daniels “plan” on how to get robby to juvie was so stupid. literally were u TRYING to make him hate you. dumbass

parents at those hearing rly brave for ppl that did not do ANYTHING as their kids got involved in a karate gang war until now

“bullshit i heard u were the real bully!” i mightve screeched

this s3 ending was SO DRAMATIC omg

everyone is such a MESS go to THERAPY u unhinged motherfckers

also im sorry but uh. a richass neighborhood in california doesnt have some type of neighborhood watch? the larussos rly dont have any security at all? neighbors wont hear the sound of a damn karate brawl happening next door??? also wasnt tory all like ooo i cant go to juvie, my mom yada yada yet shes always running around town getting into fights even at the rich girls house she was kicked out of school for fighting??   ?  ??    ??        ?                ?    ?          ??                  ?    ? girl??

stop destroying the larussos house, its so pretty :((((

sam finding her center looking at mr miyagis picture...  uwu maybe

robby yelling ‘U ARE WEAAK’@  johnny \as he is easily blocking him is like.... so funny and so sad to me. sweetheart. 

also i know it was meant as ‘oh johnny pushes him and HURTS HIM’ but it just looks like robby runs himself into the lockers and IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY 

i like that he and tory are the cobra kai kids now. we need ppl we care abt there to not revert to a good vs evil schtick, and this is the most engaging it could be... tho it hurts that these kids cant catch a break

ah yes "lets bet some real shit on the result of this teen karate tournament bc that is always a great idea" is BACK

so daniel saves johnny from kreese..... maybe johnny will save him from terry 🧐

and dojos unite ohohoho. lets SEE how that’ll work out 

miguels face of Despair when the ck defectors and the md kids are bickering like 'this is never gonna work' : gold

also. Johnny Lawrence is gonna learn some myiagi-do karate AHAAHSJAKDFH

 ive been waiting for this moment all my lifeeee oh lawrd 

final thoughts! there are def things i hope the writers will improve on the next season, but i am very excited for it either way AND i feel like it has made me enjoy the movies even more and that is a win for a reboot/sequel to me!!

[amjustagirl]

HI NIKKI JIE omg its been ages since ive dropped in how are you!! eep i read ch 8 of when the sun loves the moon DAYS ago and ive been meaning to drop in to scream about it but got caught up with squid game (i want to scream the ending made my heart pain T^T) then with school :")

i dont even have words to describe how much i loved it aaaaa bokuto fighting to stay on her team, her finally bringing him to meet her mum, everything theyve been through together gdkjfkkdsk it was such a rollercoaster honestly having not one but tWO major angst plot points 😭 but i absolutely loved the ending soso much; their wedding (eAting at a yakiniku place with their teammates and friends pls thats the dream sia🥺) and omg that sneak peak at their life with kousuke kouichi AND kouji fjskdjksjs helpp that was soo freaking adorable and i think this thing with showing where they are many years down the road is not really something youve done before in your prev longfics ? (not including all your outtakes ofc) but you did it here and aaa i was squealing so hard it was so sweet 😭 fjskfjs hELP im so excited to see what outtakes youll have for them next time (kouichi and sachiko mayhaps 👀 HAHA) AND THEM SWITCHING IMAGERIES AT THE END HAD ME SCREAMING PLS 🥺 help not the way you revealed mizuki's name early cuz someone thought she was called tsukki HAHAHAHAH nikki jie you damn funny 🤣

eep i saw you have a prequel kuroo fic and osamu fic coming up 👀👀 CANT WAIT

oHOH and i think you mentioned before that you figured out which uni i go to, just from all my kendo references??? HAHAHAH RLY AH i dont keep up with other schools kendo so i have no idea whats the diff LOL (i thought the reading/midterms week schedule would have been more obvious cuz i think the rest diff from us LMAO) ok la but tbh i think most ppl go to one of the three main unis so i dont think its that hard to figure out HAHAHA

oh also i saw you made mr nikki start watching haikyuu?? hOWS THAT GOING HAHA help ive been rewatching it alot recently and my mum keeps asking me 'isnt that the volleyball one you finished watching already??' HAHAHH

hope you have a good week ahead nikki jie 💓 ~ann :>

Hello Ann meimei!

Squid game truly hurt me to the core (I just get attached to the characters and its just game over for my heart). I hope school isn't too hiong for you haha and I figured it out quickly enough bcos it's my alma mater after all!

And thank you again again again for your love for when the sun loves the moon! Every notif fr you truly makes my day and I'm glad you loved the unadulterated fluff I poured in! They're lovely and sweet tgt, and I guess subconsciously after all the angst I put them through, I really wanted to make sure you guys know that they're both truly happy, with their chaotic trio of little sons and their huge group of friends. They relocate back to Tokyo after bo's retirement (sakusa too), so kuroo, bo and sakusas kids end up playing together a lot! Esp sachiko and kousuke...and aiko and kouichi, if I recall whose kids I'm talking abt!

Pls lor I was horrified at the thought of ppl thinking mizuki shares the same name as tsukki LOL and I feel like tsukki wld flip (like omi) if he ended up related to bo.

And yes! I do intend to write more fics, the kuroo prequel is a monster and no where near done, the osamu one is on the back burner but still there! Have patience with me 😊

Hehe yesssss I'm having such a blast rewatching hq w Mr nikki! He was shocked when I told him he reminds me a little of kuroo (the snarky science nerd bit) but he doesn't know I think he reminds me of osamu either, cos hes still at season 2 only! He's v entertained by tanaka and noya cos he used to be in a team sport in sch, so it reminds him of his friends and their antics (where they just share one brain cell!)

I hope you have a good week too Ann meimei ♥️

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[gaysns]

this is me talkin abt bein trans and like documenting how i feel bc i love over explaining myself and i need to write things out to process them so if u wanna read u can but its nothing pressing also im rly sorry mobile users

so like. its been a while since i really steadied out on being a gay boy and lemme tell u. im so much more comfortable and it feels so much more natural than being a lesbian. im like pretty sure i was always gay but i was so deep in repression and just. trauma garbage that i used a feminine identity to latch myself onto my trauma to force myself to be hurting while also refusing for so long to get help or heal. i was keeping myself there as basically ?? self harm ??

for soooooo long i’ve been attracted to men and i was so so SO certain that it was comphet but it honest to god wasnt i just. like boys. thats all it is i just like boys. and accepting that after so long of trying to train myself out of it is rly interesting bc its so NATURAL to be arracted to boys and letting myself be attracted to boys is so funny to me like i went out to lunch w my friends last week and i saw a cute boy at another table on a date WITH A BOY and i was so. gay like he was CUTE and laughing a lot and i was like. oh. im gay. and its just so refreshing because i always had to force that with women! i always pressed myself to be interested in women!

i love women. i fucking LOVE women and i respect them so much and i feel so dumb typing tht as a boy now bc OFC He Would Say That and its weird getting used to being on the other side, like im almost mourning the loss of the femininity i clung to for so long? but i have to because i know im going to be happier and more comfortable as a man

i could go into so much more detail on accepting being a boy & it feeling sudden when honestly ive been working on figuring out gender stuff for YEARS and i havent been cis for YEARS and this isn’t sudden. at all really. but thats a post for another time and im still working on that insecurity

in other news im really REALLY lucky to be in the situation i am atm! im financially secure and im so SO fucking happy and i came out to my therapist and im going to come out to my mom and sister this saturday when my semester is over and im just. excited for people to see me properly. i cant even explain how right this feels and i know that im coming out really soon after realizing but i have NEVER EVER been more certain of anything in my life

thank u for reading this has been a pseudo journal entry and tldr eli keeps calling me a soft boy and it makes me wanna die bc im not

[sanhatation]

Wahh I'm so sorry I haven't sent an ask in like forever! BUT OMG YOUR CALLIGRAPHY!! IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN'T DO AHSJDGH I'm learning how to do calligraphy but I only know how to do the lettering sjdkjd how do you make it look so nice!? You're so creative!! I think you stole my talent when I was born 😩 what are some of your hobbies? Or things you like to do? Also have have you been!? Let's see I really love quotes but one of them has stuck with me for awhile now (1/4) -⛄

“People can be so quiet about their pain that you forget they’re hurting. That’s why it’s so important to be kind” those quotes are so beautiful and inspiring I love them!! I think my least favorite song hmmm it used to be cotton candy and star because idk they just didn’t…… Interest me or like call to me idk if that meshes sense but I think cotton candy has grown on me I listen to I a lot more but star idk it still doesn’t have that spark but I really love the lyrics (2/4) -⛄

Astros lyrics are so pretty! My favorite songs hmm I never really thought about it…… The first one that pod into my head is again or lonely I think I those two would have to be my favorite I can listen to them all the time and I keep thinking of sanha’s “hey hello” sjdkjd yes’!! Ahem then mj’s “I’m lonely againnn” I really like how it sounds because it’s like a soft sort of upbeat song if that makes sense but for again I always think of the dance practice video which I loVED omg (¾) - ⛄

That one move!! You know what move in talking about!? During the “떠오르네” I think that part..!!! oml it kills me!! And JUST LOVE HOW THEY ALL LOOK (especially sanha he be killing me!!) and then I also really like how thus me sounds as well and jinjin’s rap I’M!! I LOVE HIS VOICE HE BE SKATING!! And his little twirl AHH! Aha sorry this turned out to be really long 😅 (4/4) -⛄

AAHH thank u so much!!!! i think i picked up calligraphy a little over a year ago??? so ive been practicing a lot ;; and my hobbies yeet i have a lot tbh i love to sing, do graphic design, really any kind of visual art but especially calligraphy, line art, zentangles and painting !! and i enjoy dancing too even tho my skill is …questionable…and i also love photography, acting,,…fashion….astro…

tbh ive been GREAT !!!! smth exciting that happened this week was my sister came home and just last night my brother and his wife arrived and wow its the first time in five years that my whole family is all together !!!! my eldest sister has been in korea..my other sister has been in california..my brother has been at college…so ya its vvvv exciting!!!!! how are YOU?

thats a beautiful quote i love it!!! and i agree. kindness is so important, and when it comes down to it its all that rly matters!!! absolutely no point in being mean or rude for no reason

OK TBH IM SHOCKED !!!! i think Star is definitely a Fandom Fav^TM so ive never heard anyone who’s just eh abt it !! the lyrics to star pull me in so much and the melody itself is v me ig so i love her ! i get that tho, some songs just dont click….sis i love Miss cotton candy tbh she’s probably one of my faves too (a moment of silence for jinjin’s “GIBUNI JOA LA LA LA”) 

dude lonely is honestly so underrated. i cant figure out how to explain it…..it’s like……so chill yet so energized? like idk how else to put it other than it perfectly PERFECTLY captures the feeling of Fall???? like ?? there’s some sort of serenity to the breeze and falling leaves yet there’s like…a spark??? an energy and warmth???? aHHH THERES NO WORDS TO DO IT JUSTICE !!! but i know u know what i mean

again….shouldve held on…..she is so beautiful yet sometimes i still Cannot Believe astro produced that song when they did. like i cant even believe its real????? like WOW we didnt deserve her honestly

the dance practice????? we dont TALK abt her……………that One Move…yes i know exactly what ur talking abt and its off limits im sensitive why are they so loud…..literally everything abt the choreography is just so !!!!!!!!!!! BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i gotta say i think my favorite part is legit when they do like the rly cool “blindfold” move !!!! AND ofc moonrock’s SICK spins…and ugh u right they looked so good fhhsasdlkj i love skinny jean-stro

“HE BE SKATING” I CACKLED GHDJSAJ U RIGHT THO ! u ever just think abt his voice in Lie and just :( that man has so much Technique idek anything abt rap but he has TECHNIQUE OKAY

(PS i love reading ur long messages so dont be sorry!!) 

[possibilistfanfiction]

im feeling lowkey sad and you have this great ask where someone was like what's the gayest thing that's ever happened to you and it's rly sweet and i cant find it do u happen to have it lying around somewhere possibly i could use the pick-me-up

i do not but i have More gay things it’s cool i gotchu. sometimes stevie girl (the best dog in the world) cries when i get home bc she’s so excited & then puts the crown of her head on the middle of my chest to be pet. last thursday olivia & i watched handmaids tale together & she let me ramble for like 30 mins abt how amazing the recursion in it is. when i was in nyc for a night last week i had an interview which went well & then i went to my friend’s apartment & we had beers & watched glee & buzzed my hair bc i wanted to & then i got up at 6 am the next morning & talked to cole on the phone while i caught a bus back to baltimore & it was raining where we both were, some kind of same-ness. we’ve known each other & loved each other in some kind of big way for years & that allows for small soft wants & fears & hurts & how remarkable is it to have someone like that? abbigail is moving back east so i’ll see her for my birthday in two weeks. my friend emily just went to a memorial service for her favorite college professor & the same weekend she was back on campus there was also a lettuce eating competition so. my point is that, even when things seem terrible, or low, or shitty (& i’ve 100% been there, i’m there all the time still) there’s just a big weird soft world out there. dogs & ppl who make ur chest feel a little less like stones & moments where nothing makes any sense at all but u have to laugh bc who tf even schedules a lettuce eating competition? there are big sweaters & rainy days & the ability to watch the first three eps of the handmaids tale obsessively. there’s wine & cappuccino & bagels & falafel & ive had all of these in the past day but i also Love them so that’s cool. the world is big & terrible but it’s also full of tiny pockets of laughter & calm & the kind of soft warm that’s like your favorite tshirt straight out of the drier.

& look–i turn 24 in two weeks, which i literally never thought would happen. stevie is panting rn bc she got excited over her toy just siting on the floor & its warm bc it’s spring. i have finally figured out how to properly shape my brows. lana is recording songs abt the texture & heft & grit & beauty of life. cole & i get to fall in love w another lorde album this summer. i move to nyc in a month. there is just. so much. life is so much. stevie just curled up next to me in bed. it’s warm enough to wear shorts later. it’s quiet, it’s full. my friend maddie & i share a birthday & last year i bought her a star.

[virginia-werewoolf]

Hello to all!!! It’s been a crazy few months and I haven’t had the time to really go on Tumblr much less post about everything going on in my life but i am going to today!!

I’m currently finishing up my senior year of high school and lemme tell u - it’s been wild!!! But so fun. This last Relay for Life was probably my favorite one yet & I wish I could just have one more. When I went my freshman & sophomore year I was still so, so shy and only talked to people I already knew. This year, though, I talked to the new speech & debate kids and they were some of the sweetest people I have met in high school!! I always get so nostalgic for speech and debate when I am around the newer kids in the club. I can’t lie - being in that club was the only time throughout my whole high school experience that I felt as though I was a part of something good. I quit because it did stress me out a bit and I wanted to join photography my sophomore year and just always kind of found an excuse not to go back after that (even though I always knew I should’ve). Prom was nice - we ate at the Venetian and danced our lil hearts out at Panis Hall. I felt moderately pretty. I got into an argument with my best friend, Vincent, that night - he’s been a real dick lately & I couldn’t put up w it anymore that night in the Red Rock parking lot!!! I have been holding a few grudges against him since then but this weekend I have gotten some time to think it over for the first time & I think I’ve made my peace with him!! After prom was the Disney trip - which has been a WILD ride for a few months now. There was a lot of fishy business going on w the stuco advisor but finally - LITERALLY 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE BUS LEFT - I got a seat on the bus!!!! I wasn’t ready at all because I didn’t want to pack a bunch & get excited just to end up having to go to math that day - but I had such a good time in my bummy school clothes & 2 best friends!!! Even if I didn’t get to take pictures and we didn’t get to finish exploring California adventure because we were all grumpy and tired. The bus ride with Vincent was so fun and I didn’t really think about all the things I was upset at him for. On the 24th, then, we had grad walk AND senior awards!! I did the travel grad walk with Ni-Ni and we got to go to our elementary and middle schools + pat diskin in our caps and gowns with all the current students lining the halls cheering us on!! It was so pure. The elementary schoolers were so so so cute n proud of us & it was the first time it rly set in that this is happening!!! Plus I saw my 4th grade teacher and she remembered me BY NAME. I foreal cried on the way back to the bus bc of it. Awards night was nice too - I sat next to a kid I hadn’t talked to since middle school but it wasn’t awkward and we made jokes to each other all night!! It was kinda cute. Like it really felt like we were all in this together. I luvvvved cheering on my friends & just other kids in my classes who I may not talk to much but it still feels like we’re on the same boat supporting each other!! I got my Ronald Mcdonald award that night + my hispanic educator award (two scholarships totaling $1500!!!!) I also have to go to a HUGE district wide ceremony & read part of the speech that won me the hispanic educator award the day after graduation!! Yikes but I’m excited. I think that’s basically all the senior events left except maybe the senior bbq??? But that’s not a big deal. I’m not sure if there’s a senior sunset and I know I posted about being upset that I didn’t go to senior sunrise but on the bus ride home from Disney, I woke up for a split second and saw the sunrise over the California desert with my best friend sleepin next to me, his arm latched onto mine & maybe that’s enough.

BUT YEAH. IM FUCKING GRADUATING. My checkout card is signed !! My 7th grade english teacher who i am super close to has her flight booked !!! Can u believe it!!

Work-wise, I was having a really hard time for a while. I was desperately looking for another job & was about to transfer because the theatre made me want to kill myself!!! My exs friends and my managers were talking so so so much shit abt me. They said some of the worst things they couldve possibly said about me - and were so condescending at a time where i was extremely insecure because i was hung up over a boy that treated me like shit & had just lost so many friends. I couldnt even imagine staying until summer - but the universe helped me out and made it so that 2 of my most condescending managers transferred & i stopped getting scheduled so much with my exs friends and things just got… better. I stopped crying everyday - or any day - at work and actually turned down an interview because i figured id just wait until july to look for another job (thats how long im required to stay at my current to qualify for a 10k dollar scholarship i think i have a good shot at getting!!). I dont feel trapped and dread going to work anymore anymore and its so so so relieving. For a second there, it really had such a strong hold on my life and im so glad thats over. It was not healthy at ALL

Driving wise - ive been driving a lil bit a few days a week now and im really enjoying it !! It is not as scary as i thought itd be. I still have a lot to learn but i think im doin pretty good + i have 3k saved up for a car & im so excited !!!

This summer is also gna be super fun - im gna throw so many parties bc all of my bffs are leavin im august for college + spend a week explorin LA w my sister which im so excited abt !!! Im super broke atm bc i had to borrow a bunch of money from my mom for grade nite & am trying to pay it back asap but hopefully any grad money will be enough to cover it so i can buy books n cute knick knacks freely while im on vacay!! Especially since my body decided to hit a second fuckin puberty this winter & none of my summer clothes fit me anymore :( ive been dressing so bummy lately bc of it but ive been too busy to care. I gotta get clothes b4 going to LA tho!!! Other than that though i really just want this summer to be abt me. I feel like even tho i KNOW i need time to myself, i always try to get the most out of literally ANY possible relationship in my life :( its such a bad thing but i hate passing up opportunities like that bc what if, u know? To love and be loved in return is what I always thought i wanted most in this world!!! But i think i just need to consider where situations like this are really going before i compromise the time i set aside to work on myself for it. SO unless i can really see something going somewhere, this summer is goin to be about reading, writing, filming, and taking care of myself !!! I want to eat better (vegetarian & vegan whenever possible!!) and exercise and take care of my skin and just get shit done in general (maybe learn to knit finally???) Im even gonna start a bullet journal!!! I think it will help keep me feelin like myself as well as stay productive & organized in college + its just such a cute hobby Not to mention my sister is ENGAGED?????? My BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! I will save the sappy stuff for later posts/my maid of honor speech but she really deserves this more than anyone. It hurts to see her movin out after 18 years of sleepin 10 feet away from her - if it were any earlier than this i wouldnt have been able to handle it - but im excited to be independent & im sure we’ll be sendin each other funny memes and visiting each other 24/7!! She is my best friend after all, and im just so happy to see her happy that i cant even be that sad abt losing our early morning laughs and late night talks - at least not yet!! Maybe it just hasnt set in yet

[mousepatrol]

8.28.17

Yooo

Ok so today wasn’t so bad. I still don’t have internet btw, which is jjust so cool ofc… I woke up at 730 and chilled in bed for a lil b4 I got up and got dressed and got all ready for school. Catherine had to drive me bc my car was in the shop so we left at like 810 and got there around 830ish and we parked at horsebarn hill, which they added more commuter parking to! Yay! My class was in hicks so it was right there and then I had INTERNET! So I posted my replies yaaaaaaaaaay!

The first class I had was wetlands ecology and the guy doesn’t talk very loud but honestly he was kinda funny and seemed like a nice dude so I think its gonna be good and not too hard. We did an activity and for part of it you had to find someone who had been to minesota, and when we finished he called on me bc I had been there. It was weird, he asked weird questions that I couldn’t answer like which suburb was my family from??? And I had no clue… I just said we go to st paul. I guess he did his degree there so he thought I knew shit but im from cali baby sorry

Next class was in the basement of ITE so I had to RUN omg. Its already hard enough to go downhill from there to hicks, and going up sucked. But the second class was intimate relationships and OH BOY im excited for this class! The teacher sounds gay first of all which is cool even if hes not gay, and its about all SORTS off interesting things that I kinda just think I should know about. He specifically noted that hes going to try to be inclusive and we are going to talk about non hetero things which is GREAt. I drafted an email to send when im on campus tomorrow with questions about honors conversion and his research and stuff so I rly hope he replies

So then I went to the gym and did arms, and MAN my pump was awesome. I could pull 100 on the lat pulldown doing chinup grip and I could only pull like 80 last semester! I felt pumped. It wasn’t so busy bc I went at like 1130 when everyone was eating lunch so it was great yaaaaay! So then I showered and I met my dad so that he could get lunch and I could eat mine, and then I had to run nd get my last HPV vaccine shot and it hurt but I did great hehe and now im ALL DONE. No more fuckin needles for a while thank god. My arm is gonna be sore for like 4 dayss though, so that’s why I did arms today lol

Then we went and got my car and the tires apparently are worn down in weird spots so its kind of a bumpy ride but I mean… I will survive I guess. We also ran to target (altho I was fucking dying I was so tired) and we got a bike. We brought it back and at first I was having major issues and it was being shti and I thought it might not be good, but I took it around again and actually I think itll be fine. So hopefully thatll help me get around campus because last year I was fast walking a lot abd honestly like what the fuck. ALSO the buses are fucked up because theres a road closure and basically you cant get anywhere so I wanted a bike to jst be able to go fast. Its in my trunk and im gonna use it tomorrow… wish me luck

I came home and my dad eventually left and he gave me a card that had 140$ in it omg thank god I can actually pay for groceries while I wait for paychecks for a month. I took a shift Wednesday n ight with Meagan so things should get moving in that respect, I hope. Aw shit I GOTTA remember to bring my work clothes on Wednesday then, wow. I should have time to change and stuff. Ill also need two meals… ill figure it out I guess uhh

Btw I was so annoyed bc I cried a little when my dad left because I feel so bad that HE feels sad about leaving and it just makes me feel shitty… im in this weird limbo where like… he is still mean to me sometimes and he does bad things but its not as bad as it used to be but the past still HAPPENED sso I mean? Im not forgiving him and I cant ever feel comfortable around him and I just. I guess I feel like I should never feel sad abt it and im really not I just. Idk. Im not really sure rn.

Made some food and chatted with Catherine a bit, almost burnt my nachos but I saved them. The broiler is quite hot here. Then I excused myself at like 930 because omg I needed to fucking write like, im gonna get nothing done if I just get stuck talking to Catherine for hours every night. But tomorrow im coming home at like 330 and she wont be here for 2 hrs after that so hopefully I can chill and maybe make rice then and get a head start on things… that would be good. I have to do some reading for both of my classes so far but im not good at reading during the week, I might see if I can wait and read it/catch up/read ahead on the weekend when I have more time. Catherine will also be gne then and it’s a 3 day weekend so I think thatll work out well honestly

Well I gotta go to bed now I have a class at 930 and I gotta go early to work out this bike so bye

[seargantblue]

oh im so happy for u! really glad ur so happy :) hope u dont mind but i kinda wanna know how it all started between u guys and what ur friends think of it (since i guess they knew abt ur 'sexual confusion') and my last question whats the ideal couple in ur opinion? (again im very bored and i dont really have a love life whatsoever and im also very confused thats why im so interested in how u figured it all out i wish i could talk 2 u off anon but im so shy)

aaah u r so nice anon let me love u !! Im still very surprised myself that all this turned out the way it did tbh and I have no idea how I ‘did it’ it just happened. and maybe thats the magic behind all this feeling and love shit: it just happens and u dont rly have a say in all this. this is cheesy and overused, but I dont think u can force love and its still mysterious to me how some ppl just go in a bar and find somebody to talk to and then get together with that person. how do u do that ??? again under a cut bc its quite a long story but im gonna keep it short(yeah…) and thx again for having interest in my life haha! I hope that maybe it helps you or anybody out there who is confused as well!

I know him bc hes a good friend and old classmate of my best friend and she brought them to parties so thats how we met (bc I didnt knew him that well during school time) Its actually not rly that nice of a story bc we did start talking bc two of our friends had a huge fight and we wanted to help/needed someone to talk to, so that was the first time i rly talked to him (we were drunk and holding hands while sharing a wine bottle on the way to a club ((note: I love holding hands when a lill tipsy so that wastn rly anything ‘‘romantic’‘))and from that moment on we started to talk more (mostly via chat) but also when we met at parties, but it still took some time until we met sober for the first time (i actually didnt knew he could talk so much!! i thought hes more of a silent person, a lil bit grumpy even) but we had a nice conversation about italy and art over a few beers (but not rly drunk) and I think I even slept at his place ??? and thats also something we did quite often at the beginning: sleep at each others place bc we both rly like to cuddle. sometimes when rly drunk we would kiss but mostly just cuddle and make up excuses to sleep at each others place

and well that went on a while - going out together, cuddling, sometimes making out - we also started to hang out sober which was !!!! very nice. I didnt realize I had such strong feelings for him back then, bc I was confused and had the usual trouble of not being able to differentiate between “friend feelings” or “love feelings”. Also I never really had my usual crush-feelings for him which confused me more (but in the end made me realize that its way more than a crush). and well I continue to spend a lot of time with him and then did the usual stupid thing I tend to do: i only concentrated on him. And kinda forget my friends on the way which made them get angry at me and then I got angry at them bc I thought they should just be happy that we get along so good and I fucked up bad and said some incredible stupid things to my friends, which I regret very much now. And he also had some drama/troubles going on with friends of his/life so we bonded over that again yeah… not that romantic and it nearly destroyed the friendship to my best friends which made me regret my relationship with him for a while. bc I thought if I hadnt started talking to him, maybe all that shit wouldnt have happened ??? and that made me feel bad bc I didnt want to wish him away u know ?? and thats probably the moment where I realized that I was in for some deep feeling shit and NOPE it wasnt just a ‘friend crush’ lel. I actually tried to ignore this feeling for quite a while bc I didnt want to deal with all that shit, but u cant do that bc feelings are mean and will get u in the end. Well ANYWAY. thats how we met and after a while we started making out sober too (actually the first person I ever kissed while not being very drunk) and all that shit. Over the summer I actually felt terrible bc I didnt want this ‘we r not together but we behave like we r’ situation, but I also couldnt end this whole thing bc yeah- feelings and stuff soooo yeah, I already told the rest in ur other ask (: I think my friends didnt really like all that shit at first bc I put him above them and bc Im an idiot I didnt tell them anything that happened between me and him. some of them asked if we have sex or not and what he thinks abt me not wanting sex, so I told them what I told u in the other ask: not now, maybe some day, idc ;) They r rly supportive btw!! I was a mental wreck when this whole asexual thing started and they helped a lot.aaaah this got really long im so sorry, but this whole thing between us started around april (??) last year so its been quite some stuff going on (but it does sound more dramatic and exciting than it actually was looola perfect couple for me are two (or more if they can make it work tbh) ppl who support each other in all situations. who dont glorify the other person, know their flaws and love them still. I only know I love him bc when he does something stupid or gross or really weird I usually sit there and think “fuck I love this idiot” so yeaaah… kids, thats how u know u love someone: when they can fart on command and u find it funny instead of gross. and well an ideal partner just has to make u feel like u r a wonderful person and u deserve love and u deserve happiness and they try to make u happy and support u!! and they see potential and beautiful things in u, even if u cant see them urself and when they look at u, u still get butterflies in ur stomach. I sometimes still feel like throwing up when Im with him bc its just too much for my lil heart. if u can imagine waking up to them everyday and want to spend nearly every second with them and hate urself for being a cheesy romantic idiot: then u probably found a person u should try and keep as long as possibleTL;DRwe met over a mutual friend, the usual ‘dancing around each other and sometimes making out drunk’ happened, I cant remember when I fell in love but maybe it was from the beginning ???, nothing was planned we just coincidentally crashed in each others lifes and decided to stay,he makes me more happy (and sad) than anything/anyone before

[virginia-werewoolf]

Hi hello ive decided im gna rant abt something else thats been bothering me as of late and its this one girl im (or used to be??) friends with

Basically ive known abt her for a few years now bc we went to the same middle and high school and ive always thought she was so cool and wanted to be her friend and finally when me and my bf jarod broke up last yr after dating for 2 years (probably my only legitimate heartbreak so far ??) my whole life was kinda flipped upside down and i had to find friends lest i go crazy !! Since he was rly my only friend that whole time and i was so horribly depressed when we broke up so i really started trying to be her friend and we didnt hang out all that much but when we did it was so nice and i felt as tho we rly connected !!! And wed message each other a lot and it just really felt like we had a mutual appreciation for each other and that was so nice because i honestly adored her. Anyway in january i was sorta talkin to this guy that i had heard she had a thing with in the past (like a year ago) so when she messaged me abt it i figured the rumor was true & asked if it was cool if we talked, and she said yeah & that they had only spoken for like a day !! I asked a couple more times just to be sure but she kept saying that they never really even had a thing and i believed her. Im not sure if she had said things like this before all this but after the fact i started noticing her tweeting abt someone who was basically copying everything she did by saying that she had an ~identity thief~ and that she wasnt sure if she should warn the dude she was talking to ??? And im a really anxious person so the timing of these tweets kinda put me on edge but not too badly bc i genuinely thought we were good friends !! And i thought she was so cool and down to earth. Plus a couple of times she would tweet something that basically served as a reply to a tweet i had tweeted recently but im a way where she was sort of trying to 1-up me ??? Which raised my suspicions even more but eventually she tweeted something else contributing to that whole narrative and promptly blocked afterwards so i was like ok i guess it was abt me!! Which REALLY hurt just bc i had no clue what she was going off of, when i messaged her to check what was going on she denied it but has kept me blocked since ??? So i find it hard to believe those were never abt me. It just sucks!! Because ive literally only copied her once in the way we decorated our senior crowns and i remember asking her if i could do the same thing as her and she was SO enthusiastic abt me also doing it !! She even offered to let me have her own (bc shes a yr older than me) and i sent her pics of the whole process of me making it and she was so excited abt it!! I didnt see why shed turn on me for that when i started talking to a boy she liked in the past when i told her multiple times in the conversation we had about it that i didnt want it to affect our friendship and that she could tell me if shed rather me not !! But really its just a bummer bc she was one of the few people that really helped me out of the rut that was my first heartbreak and even if we didnt see each other tons, i was really planning to because i loved her and felt like she was rly one of my people!!! So it sucks that she turned on me like that for something so miniscule. I eventually asked the boy abt her and he said they had talked longer than just a day and i just dont see why she had to lie abt it bc i wouldve been so understanding!! I even apologized to her a ton for not just asking whether they had a thing or not b4 she messaged me abt it - but he was honestly just a good friend to me i didnt have crazy feelings for him or anything and so this all couldve been avoided!!but i cant really trust her anymore even if she ever wanted to be my friend again ??? But i guess thats unlikely and thats just the kind of person she is :(