#i cant read this sheet music and i need a recording and everyone is so loud and i dont know anyone

[autismmydearwatson]

Every day I go to rehearsal and I want to rip my fucking hair out

[kezcore]

oh trust me, it's insanely hard. there are times that i can focus enough to go through my lessons, but other days, i cant do anything at all. i tend to fall into a habit of ... let's just say, academic dishonesty, in order to get through my day. but i want to be very clear, i do not condone that behavior, and i'm working on it.

in lots of my classes, particularly math and history, i need my parents to walk me through the lessons since i cant do them on my own. i find it much easier listening to someone explain the lesson rather than reading large blocks of text on a website. but even then, i tend to zone out during my live video classes. thankfully most teachers record their lessons so i can rewatch them, and even speed them up since that helps stimulate my brain. a few of my teachers even upload study sheets and notes for us to look over, which is so much easier for me to comprehend.

since you mentioned your special interests, i highly recommend joining classes like AV tech, music, choir, theater, or digital media. even when school feels impossible, it's great to have those classes that make you excited to learn and work. even when you're not in those classes, being able to relate your schoolwork to your special interests and hyperfixations makes it 100x easier and fun. for example, i once had to do a history project on a particular time period in history, and my current hyperfixation happened to be set during that time, so i got much more invested in the project. or when i had to do a character analysis essay, and i jumped at the chance to infodump about another hyperfixation. i usually procrastinate on projects for so long, but when i was actually invested in the topics i was writing about, i finished them with ease.

i'm kind of rambling at this point. i'm not the best person to go to for adhd advice, considering i'm still in high school and still figuring myself out. i'm super lucky to have some insanely supportive parents who are a tremendous help, but i know not everyone has that. maybe i'll ask them later how to help students with adhd, since i'm sure they're getting the hang of it at this point. in the mean time, try reaching out to your school counselors for help! most schools offer accommodations for learning disorders, which are extremely handy.

please tell me i'm not alone in this. does anyone else have scolionophobia? does anyone else experience intense school refusal? it's been a problem all my life. the strangest thing is that i don't even have any reason for it, it just happens - though i guess that's what makes it an irrational fear. luckily, i've been doing online school for a couple years, so it hasn't really affected me much recently, but i think back to my elementary & middle school years and realize how fucked up it was, to the point where i couldn't even step one foot inside the building without having a meltdown or panic attack. hell, just a year and a half ago i tried going back to in-person school, but dropped out after 4 days. it's always made me feel very lonely, so i'd love it if anyone else shares those experiences.

honestly, after all this, how did it take until i was 14 for my parents to finally get me psychologically tested.

[chocominnie]

One Last Time 02  —  Pjm. (M)

⇢ pairing: Jimin X Reader

⇢ Genre: Idol!Jimin, Exbf!Jimin, model!reader, sad au, fluff, tons of smut, angst

⇢ Synopsis: Your idol ex boyfriend Jimin cheated on you. You two have been broken up for a while now and the media has been keeping track of you and him. You’re trying to get over him, but the things that happen inbetween makes you re-think the entire breakup, and so does Jimin…

⇢ Song : xxxxx

⇢ Previous : 00   01

⇢ Word Count : 

⇢ Warnings: dominant jimin, makeout sessions, this is honestly a sad angsty au, cheating, pregnancy, unprotected and protected sex, a bunch of sex, no really a LOT of sexual themes too, I know I’m forgetting some but sorry in advance!

⇢ Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

⇢ Authors note: This is my mini series for the summer! Get your tissues, things to take your anger out on, and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Shall we begin?

Your eyes shoot open, chest heaving heavily as you let out a blood curdling scream. Not this again. The same dream over and over again each night. It leaves you sleepless. The time on the clock on your nightstand reads 3:04 am. Just only four hours ago is when you fell asleep. But a full night’s sleep hasn’t happened for a year so why would it matter anyways.

Once you catch your breath you unplug your phone from the charger and read some of the notifications. From your window, the night-time critters sing their songs along with the persistant owl that’s somewhere around the apartment complex. You’d only noticed him, the owl, just a few months ago when your cat started meowing with his hoots. 

A missed call from your uncle. 

Immediately you unlock your phone and dial the number. Bringing your index finger to your mouth you gently nip on it waiting for it to answer, The rings are agonizing to you. If something has happened you only wish and pray it wasn’t as bad as you think. He’s the only parental figure left in your life.

‘‘ Princess! Hello I was just calling to speak to you earlier. But I realized you are five hours ahead of me and you had probably went to sleep.’‘

His soothing voice calms your emotions making you let out a tiny breath of air. Thank god.

‘’Hey Charlie.” You sigh. Looking towards your left, you spot Clara purring quietly next to you. You can’t help but to smile while bringing a hand over to rub her head with your thumb.  She’s so small under the shining moonlight from your window.

Her white coat shines brightly amongst her, making you remember the first night you had brought her home. All she did was sleep, and it worried you because you had no prior expierence caring for anything, let alone a small animal. Clara only drank kitten milk and slept back then. Occasionally being awake enough to nip at your fingers whenever you pet or touched her.

Now she’s a bit bigger and walks around the apartment like she owns the place. Quite the little attitude she has, but its too damn cute for you to scold her whenever she does something wrong. 

“ Yes I did fall asleep from after a gathering at someone’s house.’’ You continue on, bringing your knees to your chest after opening the curtain of your window fully.

The moons brightness illuminates the entire room, but not so bright for you to complain though. ‘’ Oh- was it Jimin’s? Tell him I said hell-’’

You bite your lip hard at his name. He doesn’t know and you wont even dare to let him know. Knowing him, your uncle would have a fit and oppose to come back to Seoul to ‘set the record straight.’ to Jimin. That’s the last thing you want to do, cause trouble.

‘‘ It was his brother’s house warming party.” You say, lowering your tone in your voice. You look at the nightstand for a couple of seconds just before opening the top drawer of the wooden, polished piece. Your hands shakily pull out a picture of you two together.

It was taken at  Marne-la-Vallée, France right infront of Cinderella’s castle. That was the day that you and Jimin had to went to Disneyland in Paris, France. You cant help but to think, with the picture in hand, that it was one of the best nights ever. It was also the same night your virginity was taken.

‘‘ Oh.. I know that tone. Are you two arguing at the moment.”

You shrug, “ I mean you could say that.’’

No you cant.

‘‘ Alright alright I won’t talk more of him. Let’s change the subject.” He chuckles deeply into the phone.

‘‘ How’s Europe? Anything new happening on base?”

‘‘ Same old Same old. It’s been what? 2 years since I’ve left Seoul? The food is different over here. They don’t have kimchi pancakes sadly.”

You can only imagine the frowny face he makes at you whenever he doesn’t approve or like something. It always turns out to be funny.

You giggle into the phone shaking your head slightly, “ Of course. You are in Europe Charlie. Where are you getting food from anyway if you are on base?’’

‘‘ I can go off base to a certain mileage when I am off duty. I just have to report back in time. But you do know that you can always come live on base with me...’ He trails off.

Oh boy. Here he goes. He’s always talking about moving you on base with him. Hell, he’s been talking about it since before he had to go to be based in Europe. By then you were twenty years old and old enough to live by yourself. Growing up in Daegu, Korea since you were six, you felt as if Korea was home to you and you definately weren’t ready to leave yet.

Especially, after losing your parents here. Around eight years old, your aunt and mother were on the way to pick up your father from the airport. With your mom and dad also being military and based in Korea with your dad’s bestfriend, your uncle Charlie, your father had been called to take military leave to go and be based in Korea for the National Guard.

On the way back from the airport, a drunk driver had struck the car knocking them off the road and colliding head first into the railing of the bridge. All bodies were reported dead upon collision, including your aunt. Charlie didn’t take the news well at all, and so did you. Only eight years old and still a bit new to a foreign country. It was devistating for you and Charlie. Charlie did what was right and stepped up to be your legal guardian while taking some time off from the military. Till this day, he treats you like his sacred little daughter and you can’t ask for anyone better than him.

 “You are old enough to live on your own and housing is avail-”

You jump at his voice on the line again, being too spaced out from the tragic memory. Before he can go on any longer you cut him off. ‘‘ Im fine with the apartment you left me. Im paying the bills on time and taking good care of it.”

‘‘ Alright fine. But that option is always available you hear me? I will always be ready for you to come with me.’’

‘‘ Okay Charlie” You groan.

‘‘ Alright.. sweetie it’s getting late on this side and it’s already 3 am on your side. Get some sleep okay? Don’t you have a model shoot thingy or something? You have those a lot.’‘

‘‘ Yes i actually do in a couple of hours. It’s been a while since I’ve did a shoot. Please eat and sleep well. Don’t injure yourself.’‘

‘‘ I promise. You promise to do the same right?’‘ He says, rustling movements are in the background.

‘‘ Yes I promise. Good night sleep tight..’‘ You smile as you wait for him to finish the rest.

He chuckles one last time on the other end, ‘‘I’ll always love you, goodnight‘’

Beep Beep Beep

You in a racy light pink lingerie with white duvets and sheets is the concept of your comeback. It���s supposed to symbolize the “Night After’’. Camera’s click and directors yell and praise you in your subtle yet damaging moves and facial expressions. You want.. no need for this comeback to be successful. Not only did your manager schedule this, but she is making sure that they release this same very day.

Nobody in this company’s industry has ever did this before. But you, you are sort of the special one. The special foreigner as they say. It’s not like you don’t like it but you don’t like that they label you as that. Stylists, employee’s hell even anybody who works there treat you as a princess. It’s not bad, but it’s just weird.

‘‘ One last one. Give me a sexy yet innocent look mama.’‘ Elliot, the director says, smiling wide at you.

You slip a finger into your mouth and do a little pout with your lips.

Elliot busts out into a roar of happiness with his hands clapping furiously. ‘‘That’s it mama yes! That’s just what we needed!’‘

Adjusting his microphone earpiece, he turns around to greet and thank everyone, ‘‘ Alright everybody this concludes our shooting! You all worked so hard today. Make it home safe, eat well.’‘

Finally. You sigh out in relief and close your eyes. It’s been a long day. Almost 6 hours of shooting. Three Videos, and five swap outfits for each session of shooting for the ‘’ Night After’’.  As everyone heads out and starts cleaning up you bow your head slightly and thank them.

A stylist brings you a satin robe to cover yourself in. You thank her and put it on just before getting up from the bed and walking towards wardrobe. Once you are done putting on your clothes, your manager leads you straight out the exit. Outside awaits the car that drives you everywhere. Literally everywhere.

‘‘ Tomorrow somebody has put in a special request for you to appear as the main lead girl in their music video. It’s short notice and I told them I would have to bump some things around and notify you. But they are paying us and you good money to be in it.’‘

Money? Sounds like a plan.

‘‘ It’s fine. Who am I shooting for?’‘ You say, fluffing your hair just a little while inspecting yourself in the rear view mirror.

Your makeup is still intact with no ruins and the contacts they had given you suited you very well. A hazel with a slight bit of teal. Suddenly the car moves off into the busy streets of Seoul. You can’t help but to notice every couple that walks along the sidewalks. They seem so happy, glad to be around each other.

On the floor of the car lies your little mini backpack filled with all of your items and belongings. Picking it up, you begin to dig through it looking for some hand lotion to soothe your semi-dry hands. Once you find it you gently start to squeeze the tube.

‘‘ Kim Namjoon.’‘

You freeze. Namjoon? The same Namjoon from the group? Joonie? It’s been well… a year since you’ve seen him in person. Hell since you’ve seen all of Bangtan Sonyeondan together. Except for lastnight when Hoseok and.. that guy showed up.

You sigh already knowing the answer from the question you are about to ask.

‘‘ From…?’‘ You ask then put the lotion back in your bag. Slowly you rub your hands together to moisturize.

Your manager quickly flips through the daily planner, ‘‘ Bangtan Sonyeodan but this is for one of his mixtape songs.’‘

Thank goodness.

‘‘ That’s fine. What time will the car be arriving tomorrow?’‘

‘‘ 8 am on the dot. You need to be there by 8:30. I’ll be tending to one of my other models tomorrow so you will be alone. I can send som-’‘

‘‘ No no it’s truly okay. I know how to manage things myself. Besides, I learn from you.’‘ You reassure her with one of your winning smiles, laying your head on her shoulder.

‘‘ Aigoo what am I going to do with you?’‘

The day ends very well. The movies you’ve been watching have kept you occupied. But not occupied enough for you to keep crying at all the sad parts in the chick flicks. Breakups, someone had died, someone had even just spilled something onto the floor and that was enough to send you into tears.Only because when the main lead boy rushed to help clean it up, it reminded you of Jimin last-night helping Isabel.

‘’What is going on with myself.’’ You blow your nose into a tissue for what seemed like the thousandth time today. Clara lets out one of her meows beside you then goes back to grooming herself.

You place her onto your lap and begin to run your fingers through her fur over and over again. Such a soothing effect to you as you stare into space sulking in your thoughts.

Why is it that you weren’t enough for him? Why is it that every single little thing reminds you of him? You gave him your all and he gave you his but what happened? Where did you go wrong? Cooked, cleaned, satisfied his needs. You guys had even started to plan out what you wanted out of a family. When you wanted a baby and what you would name it. It was fun. The whole relationship was fun. Right until that scandal.

Ding.. Ding.. Ding.. DI-

You unlock your phone immediately to stop that annoying dinging noise. Not surprisingly it’s a text from Jeon Jungkook.

Kookie : Im coming over I’ll be there in exactly 3 minutes.

Kookie: Don’t think about leaving either.

Kookie: Im bringing someone with me.

Kookie: We need to have a serious talk babycheeks.

You roll your eyes at the nickname he’s given you. No matter how many times you tell him you want him to change it, he declines. There’s no point in asking anymore.

Why would he want to talk anyways and who is the person he’s bringing. Eh.. it might just be Ryan they seem to do everything together as a team.

As soon as you step foot out of your bed the sound the door clicking makes your head shoot up. How in the living hell does he know the password to your house? Rage takes over you. That’s something that you hate. When people invade your personal space. In this case, personal home.

‘‘ Jeon fucking Jungkook!’‘ You scream, abruptly stomping your feet all the way to and out your bedroom door. Suddenly you stop at the sight of the two faces staring back at you.

Jungkook’s expression holds a concerned yet upset face while the other just stands there calm and cool. But you on the other hand are way besides that level.

Your eyes must be filled with rage and the expression on your face is no good. How dare he disrespect you like that? Bringing him into your home, knowing the bad blood between you two. Oh, they both have something coming towards them. You begin to walk to them again making each step make the floor shake.

‘‘ Get out. Both of you. One you invade my personal private home..’‘

You grab both boys by their collars, making sure to grip the one on the right’s harder than usual. ‘‘ Two, you fucking invite him over here.’‘ You drag each of them towards the exit. Which is going good until Jungkook rips your hands away from his shirt and takes you over his shoulder.

You’ve had enough of him and his invasive ways. Pounding on his back with your fists, you make sure to scream into his ear. “ Put me the fuck down Jeon Jungko-”

You hiss at the stinging sensation on your ass. Did he just? Jimin stands there awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. You make sure to make eye contact with him and roll your eyes. Something that always had and will piss him off.

‘‘ Hush. I told you all of us needed to have a deep talk about you.’‘

Jungkook plops your frail body onto one side of the couch in which he sits next to you. He motions for Jimin to come sit across from the both of you but you aren’t having it.

‘‘ Don’t you do it.” You glare at him. Jungkook sighs harshly only to pluck your forehead two times. You whine and rub it with your index and middle finger.

Jungkook shakes his head in disapproval, ‘‘ When are you ever going to learn? Jimin sit down now.”

‘‘ Truthfully.. I feel as though I shouldn’t be here so-”

“ Good. Get out you are unwanted.” You snap back causing him to give you one of his long stares with no facial expression at all.

Jungkook glares at you just before getting up to throw his hands in the air full of disappointment. “ Enough! “

Yelling. Something else you don’t like to hear being done at yourself. You finally sit still and quite avoiding any eye contact with the both of them.

He sits back down and clears his throat. Jungkook gives Jimin a look before continuing on.

‘‘ I gathered us here to talk about you..”

‘‘ Why. Im fine. How many times do I have to say it. Im fine im fine im fine im fucking fine!’‘ You exclaim, getting more mad by the second. When will people accept this?

‘‘ Baby.. ’‘

Your eyes shoot up to him and his soft voice. You didn’t want to but you did because his voice to you is like candy that melts into your mouth.

‘‘ Don’t call me that. You have a girlfriend at-least be loyal to her rather than what you did to me.’‘

‘‘ Fuck is anybody going to just sit here and listen? Can we at-least get to the source of the problem? Huh?’‘ Jungkook leans back into the couch clearly pissed by your attitude.

Jimin’s the first to speak and holds a firm eye contact with you, almost daring you to break away from it.

‘‘ Fine. Im just going to cut straight to it then. Why are you so jealous? You aren’t okay at all. I seen the way you looked at us yesterday. You wanted to break down so bad but you didn’t. It looks like you’ve been dropping weight day by day why aren’t you eating well?’’

You’re taken a-back by his jealous comment. Although you are you just cannot admit it. You are jealous. You do want him back. You cant bear to see him with another girl but you. But the fact that Jimin is concerned makes you really hope. Just hope that there is something left of you still in his heart.

‘‘ Jealous? Jealous tuh.” You scoff, leaning into Jungkook’s arms where you rest his head on your chest. You only do this just to see Jimin’s reaction and by the look on his face he doesn’t enjoy that move one bit.

‘‘ Yes jealous. I mean why else would you put almond extra-

‘‘ Woah. No need to go there. We established that it was a so called accident lastnight.” Jungkook does finger quotes into the air and looks down at you.

You lift your head up and furrow your eyebrows in annoyance, “ So called? So you really believe that I did it on purpose. Wow Jungkook. Escort yourself out.’’

He sighs, wrapping his arms around you securly in hopes of you settling down a  little, “ Honestly it’s not like that. I wasn’t there to see you bake them nor was I watching her eat it. Im just saying that you knew Jimin was coming and obviously his girlfriend was going to come too. It’s a little sketchy is all.”

There’s no fixing what he said. Him adding onto his explanation just made things sound worse than what he’s trying to say. You don’t have time to be ganged up on, nor like it at all. It’s best if they both just leave, to not turn nothing into something.

‘‘ Get out. Now. Before I call and tell Ryan what you said and then she’ll definitely deal with you.’‘ You say, removing yourself from off of him and onto the other side of the couch with your legs crossed.

Mad isn’t even the word to describe yourself right now. You’re just a mixture of all emotions.

Jungkook now looks of sorriness written all over his face. You bite your lip and shake your head while pointing towards the door. He sighs heavily and takes one last look at you while removing himself from the couch. You watch him slip on his coat and shoes.

Jimin gets up from his spot on the couch, ‘‘ I’ll be leav-”

‘‘ Sit down we aren’t done talking.” 

He looks at you with his eyebrows furrowed, sitting back down slowly.

Jungkook keeps his head down as he wraps his blue scarf around his neck. Poor baby, but he shouldn’t of said it. “Please better yourself and talk it out with each-other. Im leaving.”

‘‘ Make it home safely.. Kookie.” You sigh once the door closes behind him. Now you’re here. Face to face with Park Jimin.

The same Jimin who cheated on you. The same Jimin you haven’t seen in a while. You take a few moments to take in his appearance. He seems to have re-gained his muscles that are peaking through his black, longsleeve shirt. His thighs are still thick, just like his luscious lips. Of course he changed his hair color to black. But who knows, he might change it again.

‘‘ You’ve been doing well?’‘ You say, voice low but enough for him to hear. You drop your eyes to your lap instead of keeping intact with his.

‘‘ Yes. But you have not. Im disappointed in you. Why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t do this because of me.”

‘‘ Jimin you don’t know the feeling. You don’t know how it feels to be left wondering why you weren’t good enough for someone. Why they had cheated on you. You don’t understand at all and wont ever.’‘ Your voice cracks on the last sentence and you an feel the lump in your throat become sore.

He bites his lip unsure of what to say next. Those words had hit him good inside. ‘‘ Im sorry. I truly am. But you know the reason why we had to end it. I fucked up bad and the media was making the scandal bigger and messier day by day. It was better to just call it off.’‘

One by one your tears start to drop. You nose begins it’s running trip but you sniffle it back up.

‘‘ You could of denied it. You know you could of made a statement and denied it. But you felt something for her didn’t you? Didn’t you?’‘ You semi-yell, sobs already starting to take it’s way over.

He bites his lip once again and ruffles his fingers through his hair, “ Baby..’’

You wipe your tears with your hands making your face even more puffy from the crying. “ I am jealous. I am I admit it Jimin. But do you know i have been suffering for one year and two months? I can’t sleep at night because im so used to your touch at night. I look at every couple in Seoul and think to myself, Dang they seem so happy. What’s their secret?’’

Jimin sits up, making eye contact with you with tears welling up into his eyes. It hurt’s you more than yourself to see him crying. It always has.

‘‘ Please don’t do that. Don’t do this to yourself. Please get help from someone to try and move on. Please. I don’t like to see or hear you make yourself suffer.’ He begs, getting up from his seat and coming towards you.

Jimin sits next to you, hesitantly opening his arms up to you. Would it be wrong to embrace him? He’s being too sincere, but thats what you want right? You decide to just do it, and lean into him only for him to pull you in closer into his chest.You just lay there crying and sobbing while he runs his fingers through your hair. You shouldn’t be doing this. He has a girlfriend. But it feels so right.

‘‘ What does she have that I don’t? Why couldn’t you love me the same way you love her “  You cry into his chest, soaking his shirt with your tears. 

You’d been waiting for this moment to just let it out. Let everything out.

‘’ Please don’t make this harder than what it is right now. Just try and forget me and move on. Please.” Hypocritcal. How does he expect you to get over him when he’s the one whos holding you so tight right now. Soon enough his sniffles join yours in harmony.

You raise your head up and look him deep into the eyes while you wipe away his tears, “ Don’t cry Jimin. I’m the one supposed to be crying over you. Don’t cry.’’

He takes your hand away from his face and wraps his fist ontop of yours, “Please promise me you will move on okay?’’

You shake your head no, “ I can’t make that promise.”

He doesn’t say anything. He gently cradles you in his arms and lifts you up. You don’t think to where he is going. You just close your eyes and grab onto his shirt firmly not wanting to let go.

Soon enough you feel the cold sheets over your bed. He covers you in the duvet and leans down to your forehead.  A kiss. Your fist is still locked onto his shirt in which he tries to pry it away but you don’t want to let him go. He sighs and raises his arms up as he takes off the shirt revealing an extra plain white wife beater under it. Taking your other hand, he wraps your hand into another fist onto the shirt to where both of your hands are holding onto it.

‘‘ Please better yourself for me baby. Sleep and eat well. “

Is all he says before turning off the lights and walking out your bedroom door.  You can hear him putting on and zipping up his heavy coat but you just don’t make a sound.

The apartment door clicks and beeps letting you know he’s already gone.

[calif0rnia-lovers]

hues.

a/n: late to the game with on my block. only just finished chapter 8, but i was looking through random writing challenges and thought I’d try this one. the format is way different than how I usually write. i wrote this in my iPhone notes at 2am and copied it over, so hopefully, it actually makes sense😊

challenge: pick a character + recall memories through color association (I picked 8 colors)

pairing: oscar diaz x black!reader

words: 805

✧ your eyes. kind. color of the richest chocolate. as warm as the smile you gave him. your gaze. always finding his across a classroom. beautiful. powerful. strong enough to draw butterflies. silence him. snuff out the confidence of a fourteen-year-old boy. time. teaches him how to know what's inside your heart. your eyes. brown. your only tell. they hold the key to what lies inside. your eyes. betray you every time. your eyes. unable to hide your true thoughts. his fear. finding disappointment when he looks to them.

✦ freshman year. movements controlled. breathing dreaded, but a necessity. bruises. purple. painting his ribs and back. distance. unanswered calls. once occupied desks, now empty. his school appearances. rare. sophomore year. rumors. whispered. creeping through the school halls and neighborhood. oscar. a name murmured at birth. replaced with a moniker. one that evokes fear. generates a mask that you don’t recognize. months of ghosting. nights passing your house. a need to see you. deterred by scared parents who enforce boundaries. his heartbeat. racing once your paths cross by chance. doubt. has his absence forced you to judge him like your parents? bruises. purple. against his knuckles. impossible to hide as your hand finds his.

✧ his eyes. red. swollen. dry. tapped out. tears. none left. a pain. in his chest. indescribable. unmistakable. never felt before. his heart. breaking. ripped in two. somehow still beating. a conversation. reoccurring. talked about for months. always falling on his deaf ears. this time. your foot is down. your high school graduation. recently passed. college. looming. hundreds of miles away. long distance. not an option. a conversation. he doesn't want to hear. a breakup. long overdue. must be done. the start of summer. easier for a clean break.

✦ black ink. scribbled. letters. most addressed to one person. you. his letters. fear about his brother. left alone. apologies. for things, he said out of anger. questions. about your life. your daughter. olivia. her father. false words. saying he's sorry for your failed engagement. he's not. hope. maybe when he's out you'll come home. give him a second chance. each letter you send. leads to reminiscing. your words. maintain his sanity. each of your letters. kept. pages creased. refolded. read. too many times.

✧ useless fans. heatwave. dripping ice. cold beers. food on the grill. ice cream. music melding with laughter. a conversation. falls on death ears. air. catching in his chest. knots. in his stomach. a rare occurrence. a figment of his imagination. caught behind a haze of smoke. only this time it’s different. morphed. aged by four years. your beauty. somehow enhanced. your curls. soft. longer. your eyes. always impossibly bright. focused on those welcoming you home. the sun. casts a golden glow upon your skin. your sundress. yellow. a pause in your speech. your eyes spot him. his eyes warm. his smile. soft. an unexpected sight. still brings butterflies.

✦ sheets. white. cotton. soft. your breathing. light. warm upon his chest. you. asleep. him. wide awake. his phone. silenced. notifications. neglected. responsibilities. need to be handled. they're rebuffed. his body. can't move. scared to leave you alone. sheets. white. holding him captive. one thought in his mind. he can't let you wake to his side cold. not when you've finally returned to him. two souls. tethered. a teenage love. abandoned years before. the feeling. sought for in the kisses of others. incomparable. never found. a teenage love. revisited. no longer juvenile. despite years passed. still inescapable.

✦ olivia's favorite color. shared with oscar the first time the two meet. pink. icing. unexpectedly smeared across his skin. cool. against his heated cheek. he. regards your gaze. doe-eyed. whimsical. a rare one a.m. sight. a result of him answering your late-night s.o.s. text. his arrival. in record time. his brow. arched once he finds you. standing in the kitchen. perfectly fine. surrounded by a mess of ingredients. your puppy-dog eyes. cause his head to shake.

“olivia’s class is having a bake sale, and she is not bringing some basic cookies or brownies--like everyone else's kid. you told me to call you whenever i need you...well, i need you to help me crank out four dozen cupcakes by tomorrow morning.”

pink. buttercream. rich and sweet as your lips find his cheek. each kiss. undoing the mess you'd made. the taste. lingering, with his smile, as your lips briefly meet his.

✧ the taste of salt on his lips. your hair still damp. moderately drying curls. frizzing beneath his touch. his heartbeat staggered. uncontrollable. a puppet at your mercy. years worth of energy. once trapped in wood. whispering, hissing, sizzling, cracking, popping. released back into the night sky. burning beneath the fire's flames. a kaleidoscope of lights. bright. warm. somehow never as hot as the heat of your skin against his. your curves. soft. intoxicating. majestic. moonlight. blue. trapped against your skin. a sight that brings him peace.

main tags: @crowngold @cant-decide-at-this-moment @wiccanmetallicrose @themarkblues @gemini0410 @binooo98 @the-jer-bear @abbiesthings @trhett21 @trulysuccubus @leahnicole1219 @starrynite7114 @queenbeered @kaystacks17 @richonne4life @cocotheclown @oscars-wifeyyy @jennisdirtyimagines @ughdontbeboring @myakai13 @linziland13 @sadeyesgf @brattyfics @sincerelykas @pearlkitten33 @tian-monique @megapeacelovemusic-blog @rosieposie0624 @appropriate-writers-name @demonquartz @ourlittlesecretsoveragain @beiroviski @frostingguru @seize-the-droid @cutiebubbleboo @siempremamita @awkwardtayler @relaxing-najee @tomhardydallasstarsgirl @toni9 @making-starsdance @chaneajoyyy

[hennesseyok]

ummm hi !! so i’m nori n i’ve been outta the rp game for a hot minute but miss rona has me without shit to do so im back !! plz excuse this literal garbage intro but we out here !! i am so down to plot the fck outta her ( she needs bandmates for her band ... n also a name ... ahem ... ) n honestly am v open to anything, so plzZz dont hesistate to message me on here (im not hip with the kids so i dont have discord ??? yet ??? ) n e wayz heres my cutie sadboy babie hennessey eeek !! i love this group already ah !!

kristen stewart. cis woman. she/her. ❝ can you hear painfully obvious by harmless coming from apartment # 408 ? that must mean hennessey rhodes is home. the twenty-six year old is currently a member of a local band and they live with 2 roommates. they’ve been living in the village for four years and residents have gathered the scorpio’s enigmatic yet detached demeanor. ❞ nori. 21. she/her. gmt -6.

s t a t i s t i c s full name: hennessey leighanne rhodes nicknames: rhodes, h, hez, daddy [ anything thats not “henny” lol she hates that name eek ] dob: oct 25 1993 sign: ☼ scorpio, ☾ scorpio, ↑ capricorn sexuality: queer [ wlw, nblw ] birthplace: new albany, mississippi known languages: english, some bayou french siblings: none a e s t h e t i c s + pinterest drunken walks home from the bar, matching stick n poke tattoos, worn in band tees, red-tinted bedroom lights, unmade beds, empty swimming pools at 3 am, sunrises on apartment rooftops, shelves of filled leatherbound notebooks, lightwash denim, half wiped off sharpies on skin, bruised knuckles on soft hands, blood pacts with best friends, freshly bleached hair, gentle forehead kisses, the smell of vanilla and tobacco b i o ☆ the child of two born again evangelical christians in the small town of new albany, ms, hennessey was brought into a world of devout religion and an “all american” mentality ☆ located in northern mississippi near the tallehatchie river, new albany had a population of just under 7,000 when hennessey was born. being in the bible belt of america, mississippi had a ruthless reputation for homophobia, transphobia, and racism. all things that hennessey was brought up surrounded by. ☆ her parents were through and through rednecks that tried to get their lives on track after her mother was knocked up at 19 [ thus her name… ahem ] ☆ the early years of her life were spent fully devoted the church, she was baptized at birth and was fully indoctrinated into her religion until her freshman year of highschool ☆ hennessey starting experiencing same gender attraction as early as she can remember, but never acted on anything until junior year. after a local high school party she found herself in the bedroom of the town preachers daughter. ☆ a whirlwind romance began, the two were inseparable and were thought to be the best of friends by everyone in town. but, when playing with fire, someone is bound to get burned. or the whole town can go up in flames, and that’s exactly what happened. ☆ the two were walked in on one night and it was enough to strike the match. all of new albany was disgusted and enraged; they wanted the rhodes family out of their town, even going so far as to claim that the devil had come in the form of the family to destroy the good people of mississippi. ☆ excommunicated by her family, she finished highschool at 18 and took of running as fast as she could. she bought the cheapest bus ticket she could afford, and landed on the couch of a local blues musician in nashville, tn. he took her in and taught her everything he knew about music and, by proxy, black culture. ☆ after leaving new albany, her worldview shifted foundationally. she’s been in and out of central booking on riot and protest charges, so she’s pretty much stuck doing this music thing due to her criminal record ☆ from the ages of 19 to 22 she spent between nashville, atlanta, brooklyn and detroit, playing music, going on benders, and getting between the sheets of as many girls as she could  [ she basically went on a rampage lol ] in the process she picked up a pretty gnarly coke habit that she’s still trying to shake. so she says, at least. ☆ she landed in new york where she finally started a semi-successful band and decided she wanted to start building a life n thats when she ended up here !! q u i c k  f a c t s ok imma try to wrap this up cus i know its getting long lol but n e wayz heres like a tl;dr summary ☆ grew up in a racist, homophobic, backwards town; was outed for being gay and hasn’t spoken to her parents since she was 18 ☆ she’s a v talented musician and her rising in capricorn makes her want to be successful as fuck, even if she has to do some shady shit to get there ☆ she started a band and their mild success landed her in brooklyn. she needs bandmates !! i purposely didn’t name the band so connections could help make it a #Band.... ehehe ☆  she’s a ride or die friend and 10000% one of the #boiz, you can usually find her doing some dumb shit with her best friends. once u have her loyalty, she’ll be by your side no matter what happens ☆ v flirty. like, will flirt until u invite her back to ur place only to bail and go hang with her bandmates lol. ☆ she finds it hard to open up [ i know… how fuckin CLICHE ] but all she wants is someone to actually hold her n tell her that its okay not to be okay ??? give me that soft gay shit ??? ☆ shes a lil bit of a player but only becus she’s bored. its never her intention to hurt someone but girls often get attached and her scorpio ass isn’t the best at letting em down easy ☆ once she left, hennessey basically tried to shed all trace of her hometown from her, but she has a slight mississippi twang to her accent that only comes out when she’s really mad or rly close with someone [ she hates it sm and hates when ppl comment on it lol ] ☆ she’s forever writing songs, like 9 times out of ten if u cant find her, shes prob holed up in her bedroom, cigarette in hand, writing some sappy shit about a girl she hooked up w after her latest show [ kiiiinda wanna do a plot w someone she’s super into but the person couldnt give less of a fck about her ?? like yes bithc we love a role reversal ]

um ya thats it i will def be developing her way more i know this is so shit but im tryin my best here plz dont read me if shit don’t add up. love yall hehe. also plz plot w her she needs besties and hookups and love interests !!

[beesmygod]

this is what riverdale is about (part 4)

part 1

part 2

part 3

i’m back, to continue from where we left off. obnoxiously, i’m going to take a minute to plug my patreon, which is primarily for my webcomic but i also do movie reviews and talk about bad books i find so if you like these posts, you’ll probably like those as well. all i ask....is one dollar a month.

anyway fuck that let’s get back into this.

images are from the riverdale wiki

SEASON ONE (PART 2):

the last picture show: immediately this show reveals that our beloved jughead has been living in a nearly abandoned drive-in that he also works at. too bad for him, because it’s closing down. hilariously, literally nobody in his circle of friends cares and call his make-shift house a crack den. owned. its revealed an anonymous buyer purchased it from the town and the mayor decided to sell it to whoever.

archie brings flowers to his teacher-girlfriend’s recital and when he and grundy (and his dad) head to pop’s for a good ol malt or whatever, betty confronts him about his relationship. betty is hurt when he says grundy believed in him when no one else did and goes home with renewed purpose: take grundy down.

veronica’s mom is caught having a heated argument with a member of the southside serpents gang next to a dumpster by cheryl who, as she delights in misery and disaster, captures it all on camera. she shows veronica, who confronts her mother who brushes her off.

betty lures grundy into a fake interview for her school paper instead of going to the police. betty seems to be determining all of this based on the fact that she didnt have any social media until a year ago, which really makes me question betty’s journalistic bonefides. its framed like this means she didn’t exist before she got a twitter or whatever. its really weird. more relevant is that the only record of a geraldine grundy.....WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO DIED 7 YEARS AGO!!!!! she takes this information to archie as well, who doesn’t care at all. he’s way too horny to care.

betty breaks into grundy’s vw bug and finds a gun and her real i.d. with her real name. archie is still too horny to care, even though betty (again, really overstepping her journalistic bounds) says that grundy might have killed jason (BASED ON THE EXISTENCE OF A GUN BETTY!!! COME ON). archie finally asks grundy straight up what the fuck is going on and she cops to trying to escape from an abusive husband, hence the gun and fake names.

jughead finds out that archie’s dad’s construction company won the bid to destroy the drive-in. its a bad time to be jughead. he tries to ask archie’s dad not to tear down the drive-in. through this convo we learn that jughead’s dad was fired from andrews construction several years ago for theft. a scene after this reveals that veronica’s mom is facilitating the purchase of the drive-in with the mayor pn behalf of her incarcerated husband.

i’m so glad the wiki reminded me of this line, word for word: everyone (and i mean literally everyone in town) goes to the drive-in for one last hurrah, where the southside serpents are guffawing up a storm. veronica somehow silences them by saying “You know what happens to a snake when a Louboutin heel steps on it? Shut the hell up or you’ll find out.“ it sucks so bad. veronica then witnesses her mother having an encounter with the same gang member who she is revealed to be paying to drive down the value of the drive-in property so hiram lodge can buy it for cheap.

archie and grundy are caught in a passionate embrace after betty’s mom reads her diary and goes on the warpath, rightfully telling her to get the fuck out of town or she’ll reveal her to be a child molester. grundy agrees to leave and archie is heartbroken. the last show of geraldine this season is her ogling two teen boys. horrible. leave, woman.

jughead leaves his shitty home and on his way out is accosted by the same gang member who was talking to hermoine lodge and is revealed to be....JUGHEADS DAD!!!!!!!!!! whatever.

heart of darkness: the town is abuzz with jason’s upcoming funeral and the teens of riverdale are fighting over who gets to take the dead kids spot as captain of the football team in a really normal and not at all super ghoulish way. archie is working his heart out now that his favorite teacher/pedophile has fled town. he has his time wasted by a member of the pussycats, valerie, who nets him a meeting with a music songwriter who tells archie he doesn’t have time for his shit. its a weird and totally pointless scene in the long run. it doesnt matter because archie’s music thing never comes to anything. the guy tells archie later, when he returns with sheet music, that his songs suck shit and he hates his music and to get out of his office.

jason and polly’s (betty’s sister) relationship seems to be at the center of whatever happened to jason, so betty starts asking around town about her sister, by using dates as a cover to ask probing questions to members of the football team. she also tries asking her father, who explains that polly and jason had a fight, polly tried to kill herself and so was shipped off to a mental institution. learning about jason’s death fucked her up again so they shan’t be exposing her to more sordid info about the events. the only information they get is that jason was selling drugs to raise money to leave town.

betty and jughead trace this thread to find out why jason would want to leave town but veronica is already finding out firsthand after she is invited to the blossom mansion for the world’s worst sleepover before the memorial (cool timing): the blossoms are all insane. they make their money on maple syrup, using the funds to build riverdale as we know it. veronica and cheryl bond over their awful parents and versonic encourages cheryl to act out at jason’s memorial FOR SOME REASON. KNOWING FULL WELL WHO CHERYL IS.

demonstrating extremely normal judgement, betty and jughead plan to raid jason’s room during the memorial to find clues. cheryl goes full hamlet, throwing herself on the coffin and weeping during her eulogy. they use this as cover to sneak away and go commit the worst social faux-pax you truly can do. however, they are interrupted by cherly’s senile grandmother, nana rose, who mistakes her for polly and reveals polly and jason were engaged. 

betty takes this information to her father who reveals he already knows but forbid the arrangement because the blossoms and the coopers have been trying to kill each other for decades over the whole maple syrup empire thing. betty and jughead later suspect her dad broke into the sheriff's office to steal his files related to uhhh everything i guess; a hunch which turns out to be correct.

meanwhile veronica’s mom is sent a live snake by the serpent gang, calls big strong fred andrews to come save her and then asks him for a job.

faster pussycats! kill! kill!: first of all fuck, the name of this ep.

archie, for some reason because i guess he doesn’t know what embarrassment is, decides he’s going to play an original song he wrote for the school talent show. he immediately gets stage fright at the try-outs and wusses out. veronica goes behind his back to sign him up anyway. thanks, asshole!

valerie, from the last ep, quits the pussycats because josie is slightly more stressed than usual about uhhh the talent show. also because she has a crush on archie for some reason.

hermoine, while acting as fred andrews’ new secretary, realizes he’s fucking BROKE. why’d he hire her? who knows. too late now. she suggests firing some people (for example............her, maybe, fred) but fred cant bear it...and is hoping to be saved by the newest construction job he doesn’t know that hermoine is manipulating under the table. much like his son, fred is now too horny to care and they make out while veronica watches awkwardly.

the remaining pussycats try to figure out what to do about their missing member problem. josie’s mom helpfully lays out that they need a strong woman of color, but not one prettier or more talented than josie. enter...VERONICA!!! who is miffed because archie replaced her with valerie in the talent show duet. veronica is now scientifically less pretty and talented than josie by show standards, which just rules because i love thinking that there are teen power rankings in riverdale.

betty and jughead make their way to visit polly at The Sisters Of Quiet Mercy which is literally the best name for a goth cover band in the world. surprise! polly is pregnant with jason’s baby. polly reveals she and jason planned to run away together, but she was caught by her parents and sent away. she then awkwardly asks how jason is and someone has to break the news to her.

josie’s dad makes a brief appearance, which i absolutely do not remember at all. i thought he only showed up in season 3 which makes mayor mccoys character arc way more awkward. anyway, the mccoy family, the andrews and the lodges all have dinner together to discuss business and its awkward as all hell. no one at the table likes the andrews.

betty straight up asks her dad if he killed jason and her mom laughs her ass off at the idea of betty’s soft white suburban ham shank looking dad being able to kill a weed much less a human. keep that in mind.

veronica’s mom forges veronica signature on a form allowing andrews construction to move ahead with the job.

jughead and betty kiss after talking about how they arent their parents. keep that in mind. anyway, betty takes jughead to a car polly mentioned that full of EVIDENCE. they take picture of it and leave the car to go tell the sheriff because i guess suddenly no one has cellphones.  jughead and betty return with the sheriff later to find the car has been light up by an unknown person. almost immediately after, bughead tries to rescue polly at the institution only to find she’s already bailed. welp.

josie and valerie make up and all four pussycats perform. josie’s dad walks out on her performance? harsh. cool dad moves.

archie sings and the crowd loves it. who gives a shit.

a kid died, guys. come on.

[crue6xx]

Special Girl

[Nikki×reader]

-------------------------------------------------

Warning:smut, cursing

Type:Smut/Fluffy

Word count:1653 way more now oof

Nikki and the guys are doing something special, and you get totally surprised.

--------------------------------------------------

Thursday

Today you woke up and Nikki wasn't in bed, you lie down and wait for him, suddenly Nikki swung through the door "hey baby, wanna go to the Rainbow for breakfast" Nikki said smiling and happy, you smiled and got ready for the day.

You hopped in the car with Vince driving, tommy in the back with Nikki and Mick in the front passengers side, you notice Nikki cant help but smile and is holding back giggles you dont pressure him about it though.

After you guys ordered, you looked out the window in the reflection something caught yours eyes, your jaw clenched and your hand tight , eyes wide open, you saw the waitress bent down to a position so Nikki could whisper into her ear, than he slipped her a $10.

You were about to get up and drag Nikki behind the Rainbow and yell at him, but just before you could even finish through what you were gonna do you heard singing and tambourines, Nikki had a giant smile as the waitress put a cake on the table while she sung happy birthday, "happy birthday baby!"

You smiled like an idiot, you ate cake with the guys and talked about how surprised you are "I didn't expect a thing" you said laughing.

Nikki fed you a piece of cake, you soon finished up at the Rainbow, thanking the waitress. When you got home you and Nikki snuggled and cuddled on the couch while watching a movie, you both fell asleep on the couch.

Friday

You wake up and immediately smell pancakes, bacon, and grits Nikki is shirtless halfway covered by the sheets and is propped on his elbow, "morning baby" Nikki smiled, you look at the bed and see a breakfast in bed tray in between you with two plates of breakfast for you and Nikki, "I'll put something on" Nikki said softly as he grabbed the remote and put on your favorite show.

You spent the day going around with Nikki to random places you picked, and Tommy followed along making it extra funny and with Mick's random expressions and sarcasticness, Vince randomly was here then there and gone and back.

Nikki bought you flowers and clothes you wanted, you didn't spend too much because you didn't just want his money.

Saturday

Nikki was up at night planning, soon to be you would have your fun. You woke up with Nikki wrapped around your body

"Nikki" lightly moving his arm over to his chest and then kissing his cheek he woke up a little bit "love you" Nikki groaned, you smiled "ok Nikki go back to sleep".

Later on when you all were awake, Nikki had told you dress in something comfortable but nice, you wondered why.

"Woah" Nikki said as you walked in the room wearing red pants that werent to tight but definitely showed your curves they looked like leather but it was stretchy, your shirt was a loose tank top reading "BAD BOYS" and a red symbol in the middle reading "Mötley Crüe" with a white strip through the middle saying "girls girls girls" and the bottom saying "HOLLYWOOD CA".

Nikki was on the couch wearing a leather jacket with a black tank top yes again saying "Suck It" with a black and white bandana around his neck and leather pants.

You Nikki and the guys drove out to one of the bands best friends who at the time worked at Elektra records and had a decked out mansion.

When you pulled up there were many cars parked literally everywhere, people inside and outside all over the place, in the pool, bushes like no kidding, "Nikki!" Some guy says walking up to Nikki with his hand out "yo haven't seen you in a bit" they talked a bit until he turned to you "hi I'm Markus, with a K" you guys shook hands.

"Hey come look at this" he lead you 2 through the crowd in the living room which yes had a real dance floor that lit up, Mick was on the couch talking to some girl Vince was probably getting a blow job somewhere and Tommy was showing his swimming skills off until he got water up his nose.

Markus brought you guys up to the balcony of the master bedroom that peered down on the living room, a balcony inside the house wow this is nice you thought, suddenly you saw random guys looking at eachother like there is some sort of que.

Markus nodded to the Dj and the Dj nodded to some other guy passing it arond the house and outside until basically everyone was inside the house and Markus nodded to one other guy and got off the balcony "HAAPY BIRTHDAY (Y/N)" everyone screamed and shouted popping tiny trinkets and confetti and fog machines went off.

After that quick rush of excitement and thrill things got a bit calm and "without you" started to play, Nikki got on one knee and pulled out a tiny black box with a skull and bones on the top, "(y/n) I love you so Damn much, always have always will, and I knew since the day we met you were gonna be the one never got away, so (y/n) the love of my life will you marry me" Nikki opened the box to a shiny diamond ring with a small red gem inside that glowed in the light and on the bottom of the ring read "special girl" you started to tear up and cover your mouth "OH MY GOD NIKKI! YES YES ONE MILLION TIMES YES OH MY GOD" you practically jumped up and down. Nikki placed the ring on your finger and moved the ring from his right hand to his left hand ring finger.

You both kissed passionately and soft but a bit rough, his lips meet yours as you put your hands on his cheeks as he put his arms over your shoulder.

"This is why your my special girl" he said softly in your ear

You both got off the balcony of the master bed room that was inside, the music changed to "same ol' situation" you talked to people and had some drinks.

"Wow Nikki" Tommy said just starring in disbelief Mick patted Nikki on the back and hugged him, "alright my man" Vince said all gathering around you and Nikki "that's a awesome ring (y/n)" Tommy looked at you smiling.

After all the people talked "without you" started up again and you and Nikki got on the dance floor.

Nikki had his forehead on yours as his arms were over your shoulders swaying to the music as Nikki synced these lyrics to the song "without you in my life i'd slowly wilt and die but with you by side your the reason I'm alive". You kissed Nikki softly he looked you in the eyes "Your my special girl and I love you so god damn much" Nikki kissed your neck as the song came to a nice mellow end lining up perfectly with Nikkis proposal of love to you.

"don't go away mad (just go away)" played and you turned around Nikki put his arms around your waist as you swayed he pressed into you a bit and you could feel the massive bulge he has been keeping in for about 2 maybe 3 hours now that had pressed into the curve of your ass perfectly, warm and stiff, you could feel him throbbing through his leather pants "damn Nikki, your hard".

Nikki smiled "I've been starring at you for half the night even kissing you could easily get me off"

You turned around "I'm gonna get a drink" you kissed him on the cheek, Nikki nodded "hey Markus thanks for letting us use your house" Nikki thanked Markus "nah man any time no problem" Markus happily explained.

"Ya think I could use the master bedroom?" Nikki asked "yeah but your cleaning the sheets" Markus joked with Nikki, You came back to the dance floor and looked around "hey Markus where is Nikki" you kind of had to shout cuz of the music "I'm pretty sure he's in the master bedroom" Markus said as he took a shot.

You headed up to the Master bedroom, you opened the door and Nikki was on the outside balcony drinking looking at the palm trees, "hey Nikki" you came up in front of him "I was thinking about what went on on the dance floor, wanna deal with it?"" you said stroking his chest Nikki kissed you "hey baby".

You kissed him back, you started to get into a rough make out session he squeezed your ass as you pushed into his bulge with Nikkis hot breath leaving hickeys and a trail of kisses down your neck, Nikki kissed you on the way to the bed, you pushed Nikki onto the bed Nikki took off his tank top as you unbuckled his pants and dropped his pants down to his ankles, his pre-cum dripping onto his leg and covering his tip fully dripping on the sides, you suck his tip slowly taking all of his pre-cum in tour mouth, and licking the sides slowly and to the top then taking him in whole his tip pressing against the back of your throat.

As you sucked him off, he slid his hand down your pants into your panties and rubbed your clit, he could feel how wet you were, he flipped you onto the bed and pulled off your shirt, you unclipped your bra as Nikki took off your pants and panties.

He put you on his lap as he kissed you slow but a delicious needing desire of affection, he pumped into you 5 times, you wrapped your legs aeound his waist as he flipped you on your back in the bed.

Nikki easily slid into you, "shit, Nikki" you moaned with your head back and eyes closed, Nikki just hovered over you cursing and clenching his fists in the bed railing you hard and fast "Fuck baby, your so Damn wet"

Nikki started to rub your clit while fucking you mercilessly in and out fast and hard, your grip tightened on the sheets as he would come out slightly so his tip rubs your clit every other second, teasing you and licking his lips, with his hips bucking faster into you with his every thrust making your legs quiver in pleasure, "my fucking special girl, yeah whos my special girl" Nikki demandingy asked, you tried to speak but couldn't Nikki thrusted into you harder as he groaned oh "who my special girl huh?", "me Nikki, fuck Nikki, me".

Nikki was about to break, and you were reaching your breaking point as well, "Shit babe, im gnna cum....Fuck in gonna cum all inside you baby" Nikki moaned loudly you finally hit your orgasm, Nikki still finishing as you felt a warm thickish liquid drip from you, Nikki lied down beside you before he got up to rinse off for a 30 second shower, and got ready.

When you both were ready, you went downstairs and it was quite obvious what you were doing but you ate dinner and went back upstairs to cuddle spoon and snuggle to sleep.

[oswald-privileges]

Loudmouth

(I wrote some statement fic. It’s been a heck of a while since I wrote anything for fandom.)

Statement of Ulla Ness, regarding, um... a peculiar transformation. Original statement given March 14th, 1999. Audio recording by Christopher Peake, in an… unprofessional capacity. Statement begins.

I still don’t see why I had to come to you. I know you have an email address, so wouldn’t it have been easier to just scan the form and send it to me? Hell, I would have taken a physical copy sent to me in the post. It would have been slower, but it would have meant I could have stayed at home. But no. I asked, and you just gave me a lot of waffle about how you have ‘strict acquisition policies’, alongside directions that had been copied from google maps. Which I know, because I checked.

It’s not that I’m lazy, you understand, far from it. I used to have what I regarded as quite the active social life. But recently that’s become impossible for me to maintain, for a number of reasons. Which are also the reasons that I’ve come to talk to you.

I used to be quite a religious person. Still am, I suppose. I’m not entirely sure. I was a member of the congregation of Saint Mary’s, a small anglican church in a small, anglican village up in Lincolnshire. Not everybody there was particularly devout, but it wasn’t one of those places where it especially mattered. It was more about the sense of community we had. Catching up with each other after communion on Thursdays, singing in the choir, arranging cake sales or coffee mornings as fundraisers for whatever bit of the building had fallen off now. I’ve been attending since I was little, and more or less grew up with the congregation.

I miss it quite badly, if I’m being honest. I’ve always been the sort to need other people, but I didn’t realise quite how much losing them would affect me. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone and all that, I suppose.

It started with another fundraiser, a jumble sale this time. I had volunteered to help manage the event, so I was in charge of sorting through the items that people had brought in for us to sell. Like I said, not everyone there was strictly devout, and didn’t always take care with what they decided to donate. Some people seemed to use it as more of an excuse to toss legitimate junk in our direction and call it a good deed.

This was definitely the case with Mister Ashley. He attended purely because his mother was too old to walk by herself, and I rather think that she insisted that he stay with her throughout the service. It was definitely at her behest that he took part in any communal activities. She would always announce that he would be happy to run stalls or make tea or some other menial duty, while he sat by her side, stony-faced, and saying nothing at all.

The only time I remember him giving any sort of reaction was when when his mother announced that her Jamie would be happy to donate some of his shop’s excess stock for the jumble sale. I remember, he turned to her with the strangest look on his face. At the time, I thought it was one of badly suppressed outrage. I assumed that she had simply gone a bit too far in volunteering his services; Mister Ashley was a second hand book seller, and owned the Jabberwock Bookshop just off from Memorial Square. It can’t have been all that easy to turn a profit. Thinking back on it now, though, and I wonder if his expression was something sharper than just anger. If it could have been alarmed, almost panicked. But I believe that is likely be nothing more than hindsight colouring my memories. If he had had some way of knowing, had been frightened of something like that which came to pass, then… well. I cannot honestly say I ever truly liked James Ashley, but neither can I believe that he would be as cruel or as cowardly as to not have said or done anything.

As it was, he brought the books to the side room the next day, where I was going through the donations and sorting the sellable items from those things too broken, torn, stained, or just plain unusable. I had just set aside yet another jigsaw- this one with almost two thirds of the pieces obviously missing- when he knocked on the outer door. In spite of the heavy rain, he wasn’t wearing a coat, hat, or boots. He didn’t say a word to me when I opened it, just shouldered his way in, dropped a heavy cardboard box on the floor by the unsorted donations, and walked out again. He did this three more times, leaving the door swinging behind him, letting in strong gusts of wind and rain, and reinscribing a damp trail of rainwater on the carpeted floor. Then he was gone as abruptly as he had arrived.

Ashley had taken better care to protect the books from the rain than himself. The cardboard was soaked through, but the books inside had been wrapped in several layers of plastic sheeting. They were stacked upright, and had been fitted in without any attempt to force too many into a single space. They were all, without exception, worn, faded, and almost completely without interest. Paperback romances long since out of print, old text books, children’s encyclopedias. It was rather a relief, if I’m honest. I could just reach into the boxes, grab a book, give it a flick through, and place it on the “for sale” pile.

I was about halfway through the last box when my fingers brushed something that did not feel at all like paper. It was dense and yielding, and ever so slightly damp. I recoiled, shock and disgust crawling their prickling way up my arm. My fingers looked clean, but the ghost feeling of something sticky still clung to them.

My first thought that it was some nasty practical joke. That Ashley, stung by his mother’s willingness to give away his stock, had put something disgusting in there by way of relieving his feelings. But that would have been ridiculous- he was a grown man, for goodness sakes, not a slighted child. It was more likely that the plastic keeping the books wrapped up had slipped, and allowed the rain to seep in through the sides. That was the more likely explanation.

It seemed as though I was right when I looked into the box properly, and saw nothing there but more books. But when I reached in again, all I felt was rough, dry paper. Confused, I went through the contents more slowly, looking where I placed my hand and at the books I chose.

I didn’t feel it again until the fifth book I picked up, that same almost-damp feeling. It was broad and set in landscape, almost like a sketchbook. It was dense with pages all jammed together- dense and heavy. It flopped bonelessly in my hand, and I needed to support it from underneath before I could read the title.

Hymnal, it read. The gold letters gleamed wetly on the slick cover.

It appeared to be full of sheet music. No titles or lyrics, just scratched staves and notes that meandered up and down the lines as though drunk. The smell that rose from the pages as I turned them was odd and unpleasant. I wondered if the leather binding them hadn’t been properly cured. Those areas of page that weren’t covered in music were full of sketches, but so dense and overlapping that I couldn’t tell what they were supposed to be. And, I realised with an unpleasant start, the cover beneath my hands was warm, as though I was touching a live thing.

Suddenly, I’d had enough. I was sitting here, working myself up over an old, graffitied book for no good reason. I shut the thing hurriedly, and it snapped closed with a heavy slithering of pages. I caught the soft part of my forefinger on one of them, and a tiny bead of scarlet began to well from the wound. The stinging was welcome- it gave me something to focus on, mundane annoyance drowning out the confusion that had been threatening to become fear.

I dropped the book onto the discard pile. I couldn’t sell something like that, that much was obvious. Then I picked it up again, and dashed through the rain to the rubbish bins outside. I tossed it in, and followed it up with as much of the discard pile as I could bag up in one go, burying the thing underneath threadbare scarves, broken plastic dolls, and half used art supplies.

I felt a little better when it was done, but not much. Whatever those hymns were praising, I don’t think it was Our Lord.

The cut on my finger didn’t heal like it should. It stopped bleeding without any trouble, but the edges became raised, reddened and sensitive to the touch. I dabbed at it with antiseptic and did my best to put it out of my mind. I succeeded at first. I had plenty to keep me busy, both at church and at my workplace, and for a day or two, I completely forgot about it.

At least until it opened up again.

I don’t remember what caused it, or if anything caused it at all. Just that I was reaching for something, and there was the feeling of… unpeeling, almost, the cold feeling of fresh air on wet skin. I checked to see if the cut was bleeding again.

Instead of a cut, I found myself looking at a tiny, fully formed mouth.

The raised, reddened edges I had thought were a sign of infection had become minute lips. They were slightly parted, and behind them I could see the tiniest slivers of white. And behind that, a dark space where something wet shifted.

I didn’t look at it for long. Already I was reaching for the first aid kit, hastily covering the cut- the mouth- with a plaster. I was already convincing myself that what I’d just seen was some kind of infection I was too squeamish to look at, and that since I couldn’t feel any pain, I should probably go to the doctors, in case it was nerve damage or something. The impression of having seen a mouth rather than a cut was an unpleasant trick my mind had played on me, and one I didn’t feel like closely examining. I told myself I had imagined it.

I hadn’t, though. I could taste the soft fabric patch on the plaster.

I really did mean to go to the doctors. Mouth or no mouth, whatever was happening to the cut on my finger worried me. I even got as far as making an appointment. But the next day I went into work, and there was an accident involving a slippery patch of floor and a very, very sharp knife that I was carrying at the time. I ended up with a nasty slice parallel with the underside of my ribcage.

This time, it was obvious how quickly it stopped bleeding, how it was practically dry before I even changed the gauze once. How the scabs began to flake before I even touched them, leaving nothing but those raised, reddening edges around the cut itself.

I didn’t go to that doctor’s appointment. I don’t think it would have helped me if I had.

It took longer for the second cut to open, but when it did, I could stand in front of the mirror to properly see the flat, white, human teeth, and the tongue that moved behind them.

It didn’t feel alien. That’s what surprised me most. I was scared, of course I was scared, I was growing new bits, opening up in places that I shouldn’t- but that was just it. It was my body doing this, not some… weird infection or surgery. Whatever was happening, it felt like an extension of myself.

I could move them, I found. Not as consciously as I could my original mouth, the one in its proper position on my face, but sort of like moving a limb after it’s fallen asleep. It took concentration, like I was working through partial numbness. Like I needed to focus to wake them up.

I didn’t spend very long doing that, though. I would realise with a start that what I was doing wasn’t normal, it wasn’t sane. I would pull my shirt back down or re-plaster my finger with a feeling almost like shame. I wasn’t as scared as I should have been, and that in itself was somehow a lot more frightening.

I’m not clumsy. I can’t be, considering the sharp tools I have to handle at work. But I started to accumulate injuries. Innocuous things at first. Paper cuts from the prayer books during mass, scrapes from the edges of the metal benches at work. And then other things. Pushing down a door-handle would lay my palm open as though I’d been struck with a metal ruler. The pressure of my jacket across my shoulders would tear the skin. I woke in bed one morning to discover that the folded sheets around me had left cuts going from my hip to my collar bone.

Every single one of them bled, reddened, and opened.

The mouths started to become restless as their number grew. They tried to chew on the clothes I wore to cover them, and if I didn’t focus, they would let out soft, but audible moans or sighs. I tried to quiet them. I even tried feeding them, though I only did that once. It seemed to help, but the mangled sensation of swallowing with a throat that seemed to be lodged under my right kidney was so disorienting I couldn’t bring myself to do it again.

I hadn’t stopped going out altogether. I left the house less, certainly, but as uncertain and uncomfortable as my changing existence was, I didn’t want to give up the company of other people altogether. I get lonely easily.

So, one Friday, when when there was so little skin left under my clothes and gloves that no new mouths could easily form, I patched my face and neck with gauze, and went to take my place in the choir again.

Nobody really seemed to notice anything different about me. I had all the right stories lined up for when I was asked about what had happened to my face, but almost nobody did. A few condolences, a few jokes, and that was it. People apparently preferred to gossip about the death of Mrs Ashley, and how her James had stopped coming to church now, and how they had known his heart wasn’t in it all along.

It felt awful. There I was, standing in the middle of them, skin to skin almost, with the most fragile disguise imaginable hiding a secret that would ruin their perception of the world for good- and they were too wrapped up in their own smug assurance of their own piety to notice. I offered up a brief prayer for patience, but like all my prayers lately, I don’t think I was offering it to the God whose praises we’d all gathered to sing.

And when we raised our voices together for All Things Bright And Beautiful, and I opened my mouth to join in, and then opened my mouth again, and opened my mouth again, and opened my mouth again- I wasn’t singing praises to that God either.

I didn’t realise that the others had stopped at first. It wasn’t until I glanced to one side, and saw Julie Wright staring at me with her powerless mouth open and unmoving, that I realised I was singing in harmony with myself.

I broke off, suddenly embarrassed and frightened by the way that they were all looking at me. There was something like awe in their expressions, but there was something else there too. Something that shuddered and recoiled. I desperately tried to remember the words I’d been singing, if I had gotten them right. I had the horrible sense that I might have subverted something holy.

Adam Bromley was the one to break the silence.

“Well now. You never told us you were getting private training!”

And just like that, the spell was broken. The unexpressed disgust sank back beneath their faces, and the others took up the idea almost with relief. A beautiful voice, they told me, what trick did they teach me to make it resonate like that? I forced a smile and said something non-committal and when we took up the tune again, I was careful to sing only the words that were on the page in front of me.

My own relief was short-lived. When I got home, I found the skin I had left was being pulled apart by the restless movements of the mouths. Blood stained the underside of my shirt, and I couldn’t stop the moans and hissings any more than I could have controlled a spasm or a muscular tic.

I didn’t sleep that night, and called in sick to work the next day. I lay on the bed, and stared up at the ceiling, trying very hard not to move.

It wasn’t any use. My skin had become so fragile that even getting up and walking to the kitchen caused it to split, the blood barely having time to dry before the wound began to twitch and whisper. All my fascination was gone now, as were all my attempts to ignore what was happening. All I did was lie on the bed, and let myself slowly drown in my own body. I lived like that for a week.

When next Friday evening came, my entire body burst into song.

I writhed and moaned and hummed without will, without choice, throwing out snatches of hymn before discarding them as not what I wanted, not right. And for the first time, the indistinct murmurs and whispers grew louder, began to form words. Prayers that had been chewed out of shape, pleas for more, more mouths, more brothers and sisters, to come out of hiding and join the great curdling of flesh.

This went on for the entire night.

That was when I decided that I needed to do something. I’d let… whatever this was go on for too long, long beyond the point of saving myself. But I wanted to tell someone first. So I dragged myself to my computer, and searched as best I could. It’s difficult to type with only a confusion of tongues.

And that’s where you came in. You aren’t special. You were just the closest place that didn’t either ignore my emails, or reply with not so gentle suggestions that I see a psychologist.

I don’t think I’ll be leaving my home again, once I get back. I doubt I’ll even bother uncovering, although there’s no-one there to see me. For all that I wanted to let someone know, I don’t want to be seen.

The cupboard below the stairs locks from the inside. I can push the key out from underneath the crack in the door.

Whatever is happening to me, I won’t allow it come to fruition.

Post-statement follow-up: There wasn’t anyone under the stairs when I went to check. The lock on cupboard door was broken, and so was the one on the back door. Either Ms Ness was, um… successful in her attempts to… halt her transformation, and a housebreaker with some seriously questionable motives took what was- what was left of her. Or she wasn’t. And her resolve either waned or the situation was, um. Taken out of her hands. Or. Whatever she had instead of hands.

I wasn’t… going to record this. It’s not my job, strictly speaking, but I was reading some of the old statements, and this one just… sort of caught my eye. And I’ve seen the Archivist and some of the others do recordings, and it just looked so… I wanted to try it out. I’ll be taking the tape with me, though. None of the others need to know about this.

[hcnnessey-blog]

ummm hi !! so i'm nori n i've been outta the rp game for a hot minute so plz excuse this literal garbage intro but we out here !! sorry for this late ass post, i just got back from a month in australia so this jetlag is fuckin me HARD lol (im sry yall) but um ya i took a few wc’s, but i am so down to plot the fck outta her n honestly am v open to anything, so plzZz dont hesistate to message me on here (im not hip with the kids so i dont have discord ??? yet ??? )  n e wayz heres my cutie sadboy babie hennessey eeek !! i love this group already ah !! 

[ kristen stewart, cisfemale, she/her, 25 ] SMALL POPPIES by COURTNEY BARNETT? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of HENNESSEY RHODES. maybe because they’re ENIGMATIC but also DETACHED. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since JUNE of 2014 in APARTMENT 206 and have 3 ROOMMATES. ( MOON RIVER , FOOL FOR LOVE , TOURING ) [ elle, she/her, 20, est ]

s t a t i s t i c s full name: hennessey leighanne rhodes nicknames: rhodes, h, hez, daddy [ anything thats not “henny” lol she hates that name eek ] dob: oct 25 1993 sign: ☼ scorpio, ☾ scorpio, ↑ capricorn sexuality: queer [ wlw, nblw ] birthplace: new albany, mississippi known languages: english, some bayou french siblings: none a e s t h e t i c s + pinterest drunken walks home from the bar, matching stick n poke tattoos, worn in band tees, red-tinted bedroom lights, unmade beds, empty swimming pools at 3 am, sunrises on apartment rooftops, shelves of filled leatherbound notebooks, lightwash denim, half wiped off sharpies on skin, bruised knuckles on soft hands, blood pacts with best friends, freshly bleached hair, gentle forehead kisses, the smell of vanilla and tobacco b i o ☆ the child of two born again evangelical christians in the small town of new albany, ms, hennessey was brought into a world of devout religion and an “all american” mentality ☆ located in northern mississippi near the tallehatchie river, new albany had a population of just under 7,000 when hennessey was born. being in the bible belt of america, mississippi had a ruthless reputation for homophobia, transphobia, and racism. all things that hennessey was brought up surrounded by. ☆ her parents were through and through rednecks that tried to get their lives on track after her mother was knocked up at 19 [ thus her name... ahem ] ☆ the early years of her life were spent fully devoted the church, she was baptized at birth and was fully indoctrinated into her religion until her freshman year of highschool ☆ hennessey starting experiencing same gender attraction as early as she can remember, but never acted on anything until junior year. after a local high school party she found herself in the bedroom of the town preachers daughter. ☆ a whirlwind romance began, the two were inseparable and were thought to be the best of friends by everyone in town. but, when playing with fire, someone is bound to get burned. or the whole town can go up in flames, and that’s exactly what happened. ☆ the two were walked in on one night and thus began the beginning of the end. all of new albany was disgusted and enraged; they wanted the rhodes family out of their town, even going so far as to claim that the devil had come in the form of the family to destroy the good people of mississippi. ☆ her family basically excommunicated her and forced her out. at 18 she finished highschool and took of running as fast as she could. she bought the cheapest bus ticket she could afford, and landed on the couch of a local blues musician in nashville, tn. he took her in and taught her everything he knew about music and, by proxy, black culture. ☆ she completely reshaped her world view and started standing up as an ally for marginalized communities and a voice for her own. she’s been in and out of central booking on riot and protest charges, so she’s pretty much stuck doing this music thing due to her criminal record ☆ from the ages of 19 to 22 she spent between nashville, atlanta, brooklyn and detroit, playing music, going on benders, and getting between the sheets of as many girls as she could  [ she basically went on a rampage lol ] in the process she picked up a pretty gnarly coke habit that she’s still trying to shake. so she says, at least. ☆ she landed in baltimore when she finally started a semi-successful band and decided she wanted to start building a life n thats when she ended up here !!  q u i c k  f a c t s ok imma try to wrap this up cus i know its getting long lol but n e wayz heres like a tl;dr summary ☆ grew up in a racist, homophobic, backwards town; was outed for being gay and hasn’t spoken to her parents since she was 18 ☆ she’s a v talented musician and her rising in capricorn makes her want to be successful as fuck, even if she has to do some shady shit to get there ☆  she’s a ride or die friend and 10000% one of the #boiz, you can usually find her doing some dumb shit with her best friends. once u have her loyalty, she’ll be by your side no matter what happens ☆ v flirty. like, will flirt until u invite her back to ur place only to bail and go hang with her bandmates lol. ☆ she finds it hard to open up [ i know... how fuckin CLICHE ] but all she wants is someone to actually hold her n tell her that its okay not to be okay ??? give me that soft gay shit ??? ☆ shes a lil bit of a player but only becus she’s bored. its never her intention to hurt someone but girls often get attached and her scorpio ass isn’t the best at letting em down easy ☆ once she left, hennessey basically tried to shed all trace of her hometown from her, but she has a slight mississippi twang to her accent that only comes out when she’s really mad or rly close with someone [ she hates it sm and hates when ppl comment on it lol ] ☆ she’s forever writing songs, like 9 times out of ten if u cant find her, shes prob holed up in her bedroom, cigarette in hand, writing some sappy shit about a girl she hooked up w after her latest show [ kiiiinda wanna do a plot w someone she’s super into but the person couldnt give less of a fck about her ?? like yes bithc we love a role reversal ] um ya thats it i will def be developing her way more i know this is so shit but im tryin my best here plz dont read me if shit don’t add up. love yall hehe. also plz plot w her she needs besties and hookups and love interests !!

[kitesupportgroup]

Be More Chill OBCR 💛💊

So the bmc obcr has been out for a bit now, (and I love it so very much) so I decided to write down all of my favourite things it- if not for other bmc fans but for myself. Enjoy reading through everything I love!!!

****This is not finished, but I ran over the character limit so I’ll be constantly updating this on reblogs! Look out for the most recent ones!!!****

(Btw It’s not all new additions to the album but just everything)

Jeremy’s Theme:

I mean. I love the be more chill band so much.

With the universal Be More Chill sound?

How could I not love this!!!!

And the amazing theremin?

(That’s what that instrument is called)

(I looked up ‘electric stick instrument’ to figure out what it was)

It’s just terrific

100000000/10

More Than Survive:

Will Roland’s voice (and Will Roland in general)

How unenthusiastic ‘good morning, time to start the day’ is

The addition of the parts part between Jeremy and mr. heere on the recording

‘Dude!’ (Weight the options)

‘Oh god!’

Will Roland’s voice (and Will Roland in general)

When the whole cast comes in on the third ‘c-c-c-come on!’

The new hallway lines (I’ve literally never noticed him before)

The dramatic music when Rich writes on Jeremy’s backpack

‘Oh! It’s a sign up for the after school play!’ *pause* ‘It’s a sign up sheet for getting called gay’

‘End scene’

‘Christiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine’ (new harmonies+notes ahhhhh!!!!!!)

‘No need to wallow, no’

Will Roland’s voice (and Will Roland in general)

MICHAEL!!!!

Just George Salazar

Just Michael Mell

‘You look like ass, what’s wrong?’

‘My mothers would be thrilled!’

‘That’s... good?’

[I was gonna say] ‘Getting atoned in my basement’

THE CHRISTINE HARMONIES YALL HAVE MY HEART

The band is so incredible I can’t

The ooooooooooooooo harmonies when Jeremy is signing up for the play

‘Gayyyyyy!’

‘I like gay people’

THE WHOLE LEAD UP TO MORE THAN SURVIVE ITS SO SOFT AND GENUINE WILL YOU WONDERFUL HUMAN

‘Whyyyy’

‘And teach me how to thrive’

THE INSTRUMENTS COMING IN AT THAT PART THEN THE NANANANANA’S

I LITERALLY LOVE THIS SO MUCH THIS PART GIVES ME CHILLS

Will’s bits AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

‘SUR VIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIII VEEE!’

‘GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GOOOOO GO!’

I Love Play Rehearsal

Stephanie Hsu. Just. She’s a queen. No- a goddess

The way she says ‘because it is fun.’

And the pause between ‘because it is fun’ and ‘...I love play rehearsal’

‘not depressed as in like’ bit

MAD GIGANTIC FEELINGS

‘I also have a touch of ADD

where was I?

Oh, right!’

‘The way it works out in the Pla-aa-y’

‘Centre of attention’

‘That was, really one of my best roles’ THAT VOICE💛

‘Do you find that? *pause that Jeremy clearly cant respond in time* Cause I totally find that!’

‘Why-y-y-y-y’

‘I *punch* LOVE *punch* PLAY REHEARSAL!’

‘Hives’

‘Why’m’

‘There’s also a part of me that wants to do this *adorable weird noises* yasss’

‘So I did it *giggles*’

‘My brain is like bzzz, my heart is like wow’

‘And it’s starrrrrting,

starrrrrting

it’s starrrrrrting,

sooooooooooooooon’

More Than Survive (Reprise)

I’m sorry. A NEW SONG?!

I LOVE IT AND THE TONE AND TUNE AND BAND AND WILL

the fact that ‘at least I didn’t have a breakdown, and have to go to the nurse’ suggest that this has happened to Jeremy before I NEED TO PROTECT HIM

Just the whole set up- it’s what touching my hand aimed to do but shorter and wonderful

The Squip Song:

I realise I’ve added this to everything but Gerard Canonico and his voice I love him

The start instrumental

The way he sings ‘girlfriend’ (idk why i just love)

‘Gross’

‘Futile quest’

‘I would trip!’

‘Then then, Then then, Then then, Then then, Then then, Then then, I got a SQUIP!’

‘You got quick?!!’ Jeremy is so excited aw

‘Not quick. SQUIP’

That entire conversation

Just the entire: It's from Japan

It's a gray, oblong pill

Quantum nano-technology CPU

The quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until

It implants in your brain and it tells you what to do’ part

And of course ‘so... it’s like drugs?’

*deep breath*

‘IT’S FROM JAPAAAAAAAAAAN!’

The techno ness on Rich’s voice

The band

THE HARMONIES

‘Almost hopeless’

‘Yeah, your whole life will flip’

‘Squi-I-I-p’

ALL OF THE SQUIIIIIP BITS WOAH rich GO OFF

Two-Player Game:

Can I just say- one of the cutest songs ever

The part where the intro is all slow after Jeremy and Michael are yelling so excitedly I laugh at it every time

The whole intro sequence basically

The band is amazing

Will and George’s voice’s sound so good together 💛

Michael YOU ARE SO DAMN CUTE

‘pac-man tattoo!’

‘Guys like us!’

‘Listen, bro’

Zombie! Watch out! Ah! Aoh! Awww’

Will’s voice ahhhhHH

‘Dude, I know, I get it!’

‘But we’re not in college’

‘All the same’

‘Ahh! Ohh... ZOMBIE! BLOOD! CLAWS! Pause’

YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NY FAVOURITE PERSON IS SO CUTE

‘I’m your favworite pwerson’

JEREMY’S CUTE LIL ‘yes! *giggle*’

‘Conquer it!’

‘Two... PLAYER GAME!!!’

THE BAND IS SO AMAZING

‘Two player gammmmmme!’

THE LAST FEW HARMONIES I LOVE

The Squip Enters:

Woah it’s so short but I have so much to say

STARTING OFF BY JUST SAYING HOW GREAT THE BAND AND SOUND DESIGN FOR THIS IS I MEAN WOW

Jason Tam’s Squip voice 💛

‘What the hell?!’

Will’s screaming and yelling and noises I love

Christine is so concerned!!!!!!!

‘Mild?!?!’

Jake. That’s all. 💛

‘Oh- wait. I’m fine. I jus-‘

‘Discomfort level may increase’ *yelling intensifies*

‘Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processer. Your SQUIP.’

Jeremy is so awestruck and cute

‘You look like Keanu Reeves!’

‘But I can see you may prefer to take instructions from Batman, Beyoncé, a sexy anime cat girl with a tail’ ‘KEANU’S FINE’

‘Can everyone see you?’ ‘I exist only in your mind. All they see is you having an animated conversation with yourself- so don’t do that.’

‘Like in X-Men?’ ‘I can see this is going to be difficult’ OH BURN OH DAMN I LOVE IT WOAHH (really tho this makes me laugh so much every time)

‘You want to be more chill?’

‘Oh, you mean cool!’

‘I do not’

Be More Chill, Pt. 1:

Okay but the Squip enters moves so smoothly into be more chill pt.1 woah

NEW INTRODUCTION ITS AMAZING

The ‘c-c-c-Come on’

THE ENTIRE KEY THAT THE BEW INTRO IS IN THO

THE WAY JASON SINGS ‘outdated’ assffhfkglsherb

‘I’ve arrived now, this is not a drill’

‘Be. More. Chill’

‘wow’ (Jeremy you’re so cute)

‘Oh but I am a masturbator’ ‘we’ll fix that’

‘I thought I was more of a... geek?’

‘Wha- stammer? N- I I I. I don’t stamme-‘

‘Non existent’

‘Buh’ ‘Uh-’ ‘Buh?’ ‘Uh!-‘ ‘No.’ ‘UH!’ ‘Stop.’ ‘DOGH!’

‘Everything about you is so terrible’ ‘Terrible?’ ‘Teribble’ ‘oh’

Jeremy sounds so dejected and sad on that ‘oh’ I need to protect him

‘....makes me wanna die’ *hyperventilating*

‘So DONT freak out’

‘It says Eminem’

‘If you’re so astute, what’d’ya need me for?’

‘I envision a future in which you wear a Eminem shirt and things turn out well’ *foreshadowing*

When the whole cast starts singing ‘everything about you sucks’ you can hear individual voices in it and at one point I swear you can hear George doing some weird voice and I love it

‘Now you try picking a shirt’ ‘That’s a girls shirt’

‘Jerry?’

‘Jerry-me’ or ‘Jerry-my’ (I always think of Jeremy being shocked about Chloe talking to him so he’s just like ‘Jerry? Me!’

‘Oh- Hi, Brooke’

‘You look sexy.’ ‘I cant say that to a hot girl- AOWWW’

‘LOOKING-PRETTY-SEXY-BROOKAHH’

‘No! Yess (????!)’

The entire round part I LOVE IT

‘Just like this HAHA’ SO ADORABLE

‘So who was this mystery girl?’

‘Oh you’ve probably never heard of (SQUIP HELP ME OUT HERE)’

‘Madeline’

‘What.’

‘She’s Fre-e-e-e-e-ench!’

‘She is not French! She just pretends to be for attention’ *radiating disdain*

Brooke is SO CUTE

‘Yeah- I mean- (????!!!!!)’

‘Because she was cheating on me-E-eeee-E-eeee-Eeeeeeh’ (YES I LOVE)

‘Hey. Hamlet. Be. More. Chill’

Leading into do you wanna ride!!!!

Do You Wanna Ride?

Okay but Lauren Marcus is literally amazing

And Brooke is amazing

The way the Squip and Jeremy day ‘Yes!’ At the sane time

‘Mich-ael’

Brooke is trying so hard to be seductive and it’s so damn cute

‘Do you wanna get inside my mothers car?’

‘Ah, hah’

‘We gotta stop for frozen yogurt first!’

When the incredible Katlyn Carson comes in GO CHLOE

Harmonies 💛💛

The band 💛💛

And, of course:

‘PII-IIINNNIN-IN-IN-IN-INK berrrrryyyyy

*giggles* ‘Au revoir’

SHE’S BEING FRENCH TO IMPRESS JEREMY

SHE’S SO CUTE

Be More Chill, Pt. 2

��Repeat after me’

‘Everything about me is just... terrible’

‘Good.’

THE SQUIP IS SO MANIPULATIVE

‘Everything about you makes me wanna die’

‘Everything about me makes me... wanna die?’

‘Now you’ve got it.’

THE WAY THE BAND COMES IN

‘ABout you’

THE CAST

JASON TAM

‘Cool’ ‘Cool!’ ‘And powerful’ ‘wow!’ ‘And popular’ ‘*giggles* ‘incredible’ ‘woah!’

The accordion thing in the aforementioned section? Amazing

‘You wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill’

‘Be More Chilll! *giggles*’ JEREMY YOU ARE SUCH A PRECIOUS BEAN

*squip, probably face-palming* ‘be more chill’

THE CAST

Sync Up

*ahem* SCREAMING

THIS NEW SONG

IS AMAZING

I

LITERALLY

CANNOT

I have so much to say

Let’s go

First of all, the original more than survive reprise starts us off. I love it

‘C-c-c-Cmon, c-c-c-cmon go g-AHHH!’

‘I’m inside your brain’

I can’t write all of the lyrics as highlights but just know that all of the lyrics are highlights

‘Let’s sync up!’

‘Those facts are not mutually exclusive’

I LOVE HOW THIS SONG SHOWS EVERYONES FLAWS AND FEARS

‘I’m shook, I’m blah, I’m just-’ ‘there-there’ ‘Brooke!’ ‘I’m sorry’ ‘it’s not fair’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘I know’ ‘oh we so sync up’

That entire bit I just

‘But as soon as she shares it, they ignore her’ ‘that’s sad. What should I do?’ *pause* ‘you should ignore her*

‘Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-A’

‘The only controller you need is your mind!’

‘Looks like Jeremy’s killin’’

The electronic ‘lets sync up’ bits

THE BAND IS SO AMAZING THE ELECTRONIC COMPONENTS AND THE EVERYTHING

[bertbetripping]

Korea 2022 - Prep ‘n stuff

Tomorrow is the day! On the 10th of September me and Sadea will fly to Korea for 3 weeks! On here I will share some ways we have planned our trip, encouraged by friends and colleagues who said this might be helpful to them and others. Sadea might also blog over here; sadeainkorea.blogspot.com and I too had a blog in 2012 in Dutch; meneerbert.waarbenjij.nu In 2012 we both visited South Korea together with our friend Samantha. We had several penpals from South Korea at that point, so we planned to meet them that summer. We were also big fans of Korean pop. Initially we had planned to see the television music shows, but in the end we decide against it and instead focus on enjoying Seoul, Daegu and Busan. Now 10 years later we are visiting South Korea again. We are planning a daring trip, visiting 8-10 cities in 3 weeks’ time. So we made a schedule and everything, which we hope will work for us and I’ll record here on my blog what the actual experience was. Cause, you know, we’re by no means experts.

Planning For this trip we first planned the cities we’re visiting. We checked the public transport for them and drew it out on a map and created a spread sheet with a rough estimate of when we want to go where. As well as marking things as a ‘stay’ or a ‘day trip’. As you can tell, Jeju did not make it onto our schedule this time. We planned some less traveled places for tourism, such as Jeonju, Gwangju, Mokpo, Yeosu, Jinju and Pohang. The map is made in google’s MyMaps, it is available here. 

Above is the schedule in which we eventually added the time of all the hotel check-ins and check-outs. The days of the week and dates and the map overview. Before that we obvious had to find our hotels. For this we both made lists of hotels we liked on booking.com, agoda.com, some discount website that was available via Thuisbezorgd. We saw we had discount at booking.com via our creditcards as well! Then we met and decided on all the hotels and booked them.

Unlike 2012 we booked mostly hotels this time around. Sometimes separate rooms, but mostly rooms with twin beds. Sadea added which had breakfast inclused and which didn’t. All the costs are totalled at the bottom of the spreadsheet and we settled the differences that we paid.  On the same page we made an estimate of most other costs we might make. Busses, train, sights, attractions and food.

You can browse the spreadsheet and all its tabs over here. Planning like this is not for everyone and its not needed, but it gived me peace of mind I’ve everything planned out. The first tab the spreadsheet opens on is emergency info, which is also for family so they know what time we are at which place. 

Important on that page is that we’re gathered the addresses in Korean so that when we need help finding our accomodation, people have an easier time understanding the adresses.  It also has a packing list, a food list and a places to visit list. The latter I used very little, because I like to mark things on Google Maps. Only to find out that we cant use Google Maps because it doesnt provide directions in Korea. So I’ve transferred most of my marked locations to Naver Maps.

My most favorite thing about naver maps is that it has streetview that’s 100x better than 

I’ve gone though some travel guides and blogs and marked the things I like on the map. For some cities I’m reading this blog called Colonial Korea and it’s been an eye-opener. I hope it will give me more appreciation for cities people have been saying are not worth our time. So far we’re just looking forward to all the food haha. Tomorrow is our flight.  Like sadea would say ‘awwww yeaaaaaa’.

[axelsagewrites]

Santana Lopez*Heartbreak Girl

A/N: ALL CREDITS TO THE SONG GO TO 5SOS. No, I didn’t write the song, glee didn’t write the song, it was all 5sos. But for the sake of this imagine they didn’t write heartbreak girl.

Masterlist HERE

Wattpad HERE

“Dean, what were you thinking?” I yell frustrated at the screen when my phone starts buzzing.

Normally I would never pause supernatural but when Santana’s name flashed across the screen it was an instant reaction. “Whats up?”

“Not much” Lie. I can hear the sadness in her voice.

“Whats wrong? Are you crying?” She stays silent. My heart clenches but I ask “Is it, Brittany?”

“How could she move on like that?” She sobs. It hurts to hear Santana upset. It breaks my heart. Just as much as it breaks my heart that she loves someone else.

Santana complains and I try to console her but it's like a broken record, saying that her heart hurts.

“I'm never gonna get over her getting over it.” She sniffles.

“Don’t say that,” I tell her “You will. Time heals all wounds.”

 Whenever she phones because of Brittany she ends up crying. When they were still together I’d end up lying, saying that Brittany didn’t mean to hurt her, that they were great. Now I lie and say I'm happy for her when she gets another date.

And when the phone call finally ends, she says, "Thanks for being a friend," “No problem,” I tell her. But it feels like we're going in circles again and again when she says she’s going to get Brittney back,

then I'm left with silence when she hangs up. Why can't she see I could take away her pain. I don’t want to force her to like me but at least I can try and make her happy.

 The next day at school I see the two hanging out. It's sickening. I want to scream out that she could be with me. Later on, at lunch, she pulls me aside. “Do you think Brittney would give us another chance or am I being crazy?”

I put on a fake smile “She’d be crazy not to.” I tell her what she wants to hear again. Her face lights up and I don’t know whether its worth it.

“Thanks. I need to find her then.” It's so frustrating. Especially since Brittney doesn’t deserve her. All she does is string her on. It's not fair. But I cant make someone fall in love with me.

 Later that night, she calls me again. “Hey, guess what?”

“Mmm, you finally started watching Supernatural?”

“You wish,” she huffs “No, I'm going on a date.” She squels.

My face drops. “That’s-that’s amazing!” I tell her, trying to sound excited.

“You don’t sound too happy?”

“Oh, um my otp are going through a breakup thing, no I'm happy for you.”

“Great.” I can hear the happiness in her voice. How am I meant to say something when it would take away her happiness?

Santana starts asking what she should wear and other things about her date. Luckily it isn’t with Brittney but I still don’t trust the girl she’s going with. I mean I'm pretty sure she's straight.

“Thanks. You're the best friend someone could ask for.” She tells me. My heart drops. Friend. What a cruel word. “Call you tomorrow to fill you in.”

At least I have the whole weekend to eat ice cream and feel sorry for myself “Yeah have fun.” I hang up and fling myself back onto my bed.

 The next day I don’t get a phone call. Or the next. When I try phoning her it goes to voicemail.

On Monday when I see her her face is like stone. “Hey,” she says but in a flat voice.

“What happened?” I pull her to the side of the corridor. “The date go badly?”

She shook her head “She’s straight. She also has a boyfriend who was there. If you get what I mean.”

“People disgusting.” I scrunch my nose up at the idea.

“At least I've got you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder and she leans on me.

I nod “Yeah, you’ll always have me.” Just not in the way I want. I think but never say.

 That day in glee I sat with Santana, as usual, but make sure we sit away from Britt. As Mr Shue talks Santana and I pass notes. We actually have this notebook we pass notes in. Its so we can look back at the end of the year. Plus if you have a notebook on your desk its a lot less conspicuous than a folded up piece of paper.

I don’t really pay much attention to Mr Shue but something that he says snaps me out of the notebook. “What about an original song?”

Suddenly my interest peeks and I find myself listening to every word carefully. I’d always liked the idea of writing songs. I don’t know why I just think it would be cool.

Most of the glee club disagree. “Isn't that a bit risky?” “Why change what we’re good at?” “Who here can even write?” Where just a few of the objections.

“Think about it” He yells over the scabbling club “It was just a suggestion. But I want every one of you to at least try. In fact, that’s this weeks assignment,” Mr Shue grabbed his marker and wrote on the board ‘write a song’. “At least write a lyric or a dance move or something.” He pleaded as everyone seemed to glare.

When we were walking out of glee everyone was complaining “How does he expect us to write a song? In a week?” Kurt whined.

“I don’t know but it seems kind of cool.” Everyone's head snapped towards me “What? I'm just saying, it might be fun.”

“I think your mistaking fun for annoying,” Quinn said.

“Forget I even said anything.”

 The week went by without anyone mentioning the songwriting. No one tried and if they did they aren’t admitting it. I did give it a go and I think it went ok.

As sappy as it is I based it on Santana. All week she was stuck in my head and it was therapeutic to write it out.

When Mr Shue asked if anyone tried you could hear crickets chirping.

 At lunch, I snuck away from the group to Mr Shue’s office. “Whats up (Y/N)?” He asked when I sat down.

I flipped through the pages of my notebook. “I wanted to talk about the songwriting thing.” He raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. I never get this nervous. “Can you check this out? And be honest.” I handed him the notebook.

As he read it my stomach churned. After a couple of scrutinizing minutes, he said something “You wrote this?” I nodded “Its great” He grinned. I couldn’t stop myself smiling “If we just tweak a few things it will be perfect. Is this your first go?”

“I've tried a couple times but they never turned out that great.” I took my notebook back.

“We might be able to get Brad to help us with the music. Maybe some of the music clubs will help with the guitar. But I think this could be great.”

For 2 weeks I gave up half my lunch time to work on the song. Perfecting the lyrics, creating the melody and music. “Are you going to do this at glee?” Mr Shue asked after we finally finished the song.

“I don’t know.” I played with my fingers “ Won't they think its kind of lame?”

Mr Shue thought for a moment. “I've got an idea.”

 The next week the assignment was already on the board when we walked in; heartbreak.

The plan? Perform the song in glee and don’t tell them its an original. If they like it, tell them, if not say its from some weird band I found on youtube.

“(Y/N), your up next.” Mr Shue told me. I walked up, hiding my shaking hands, and handed the music sheet over to the music kids, despite them knowing it.

Mr Shue nodded to me before the music started.

“You call me up, it's like a broken record, saying that your heart hurts, that'll you'll never get over him getting over you.” I changed the pronouns about Brittney. I didn’t want Santana to know it's about her.

After the song, they all seemed to love it. “That songs amazing. How have I never heard it?” Rachel asked.

I rubbed the back of my neck “That’s cause I wrote it?” It sounded like a question. Being the dramatic group of people they were they gasped. Loudly. “What?”

“You wrote that song? For real?” Puck asked, clearly not believing me.

“Well, Mr Shue helped with the lyrics. And they,” I gestured to the music kids “did the music. Brad did the melody but yeah technically. I wrote about it.”

They kept asking questions for the rest of glee and everyone forgot about the assignment.

As everyone was leaving glee I heard Mr Shue call my name. “Whats up?” I ask as the last few people trickled out.

“When are you going to tell Santana?” He asked once the room was empty. My eyes widened. How did he know? “You kept looking at her. Plus everyone kind of knows you like her.”

“Everyone?” I groan. “Fuck.” I mutter “Wait no! Sorry, I mean-“

“It's fine.” He cuts me off. “I’ll let it slip if you tell her.”

“I don’t know. What if she doesn’t like me?”

“What if she does?” I look at the ground “You said it yourself, you could take away her hurt. Is it not selfish not to try if you think you could make her happier.”

“I don’t know.” I sighed.

“Think about it.”

 When I walked into the corridor it was mostly empty. But Santana stood, on her phone, leaning against the wall by the glee club. “Hey. What did Shue want?” She asked.

“Just talking about the song.” We started walking towards the exit since school was over.

“About that, whose the heartbreak girl?” I instantly went to start denying it before she cut me off  “Don’t even try it. Tell me so I know who to beat some sense into.”

I sighed and looked anywhere but her. “You.”

“What?”

“You!” I said louder, almost shouting.

She stayed silent for a moment “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you were happy. I didn’t want to ruin it. I didny even know if you liked me. Do you?” I looked at her, trying to be hopeful.

She looked confused, bewildered even “I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it before.” I looked at the ground but she put her hand on my arm “But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t try. What do you say, want to go on a date sometime?” She smiled lightly.

My face lit up “Yeah I’d love that.”

She chuckled. “Good. We’ll be like Cashton but better.”

“Impossible.”

[book-n-bean]

What would it be like without tv?

Every night, we put the tv on and watch it until it’s late or we’re too tired to stay up any longer.

Since when did everyone just switch on their tvs at night after dinner and just watch?

What’s it like without the tv? Without the noise? When you have to entertain yourself? Would you spend more time with the people you love, would you read more? Would kids do more homework just to have something to do?

I’m not saying I’m not grateful for technology, I just think it’s so sad to be in this position every night, it’s so empty and boring and sad.

It’s just going to get worse as I get older too. Everyone connected to technology more and more. How long will it take for our world to be made out of technology? We’re already working on trees that glow in the dark to provide light and save electricity?

I don’t know.

Lately I’ve just been feeling like life is so empty and sad and pointless, and maybe that’s me being a little depressed and hopeless; but it’s true. What should we be excited about in life? Our futures? Because our futures are the same as everyone else’s, there’s really not much we’ll do that other people havent. And of course, that doesnt mean we wont enjoy it, i dont know what it means.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me - I FEEL wrong. Like im so much more up in my head than i should be, but i cant figure out how to come back to earth. I cant even remember if this is normal, to spend so much time thinking; even when im talking to people, doing things, i’m in my head. It’s worse when im listening to music, or doing something that doesnt require concentration. Reading is a distraction, and watching things can be a distraction too; but then i feel strange when I stop doing those things. I feel blank and empty like there’s nothing waiting for me beyond the book or the screen. Like the world is so quiet, unturning, people are frozen out in the street where they were walking, smoke comes from the exhaust of cars...but they dont move. And then time just skips, and suddenly it’s a couple of hours later and ive lived and so have the people in the street, the frozen cars are different to the ones before and the light outside the window is different. I know i lived every moment that i seem to have skipped, and i can remember each and every one of those seconds, but it feels like nothing happened in them at all...

I think i need help, but it would be so hard to talk about this. No one would understand, they couldnt help...it’s like that feeling i used to get, where it felt like my cells were freezing, through my chest into my left arm, into my palm. It felt like my blood was freezing, and it hurt. It would throb through me, some kind of icy breeze, and then it would linger...then disappear. My counsellor didnt understand that, i cant remember what she said; but im sure i would have remembered if it had been useful or interesting/important.

What do i do? I feel like ive got so many problems, but maybe im not looking at the big picture. Maybe i’m looking at every individual problem as it hits me and they just keep banking up as i fail to immediately solve them. That’s another question though, how far do they bank up? Have i actually been solving any of my problems, or have i just been side-stepping them and saying “good enough”?

I know i need help...maybe, and maybe i want help...but how do i get it? Therapy has never helped me before, ive always been better off working things out on my own, talking to my mum about things to get them off my chest and then doing the rest on my own. Who do i get help from? What would it cost? I could go to a school therapist, but i’d have to skip class for that, it would get weird. I dont want to skip class - that would stress me out. And last time, the school counsellor didnt help, but then again, i cant remember having big problems the last time i went...i think i’d been dating james for 2 months when i went to her; that’s such a long time ago, around about now.

Maybe this is normal...it’s just being a teenager, right? I dont want to worry my mum either, im okay, im dealing with it; even if that means struggling...as long as im just dealing with it. Im trying to focus on music, i know i should be trying to focus on school but im not interested right now. School feels empty too, i go to a building, entertain myself on the bus twice a day, talk to people i call friends, sit through six classes and take notes, pretend to/actually listen, crush on people who dont notice me, and then i go home and do it all again the next day. For what? An education, to be social; whatever. See what i mean? Everything feels pointless.

Even my possibilities seem close-ended; my endless possibilities. Breaking up with James was meant to make me feel open, see all the options out there. It doesnt feel like that. Sometimes i get a flash of that feeling, realising that there are so many people to love in the world and I could probably have a lot of them...but that door is as closed as ever because of my crush on the boy who’s taken; my heart is already dedicated to him...and he’s going to have to break it. I dont want him to, but if im going to move on, he’ll have to break my heart first. Maybe it’ll be indirect, maybe i’ll do it for him, telling myself he’ll never notice me, that im not like her and she’s better than me, the simple fact that it probably means nothing when he looks at me, oh and the lack of him noticing me. Yea sure, we text a lot occasionally, when i start the conversation, we tease each other and joke, but at the end of the day, what does it really mean? Anything? I dont know.

That’s the answer to all of my questions: I don’t know.

I’m not going to get help, not yet. At least I know I’m not depressed, something’s wrong but it’s not that. Luckily, I’m not suicidal, and I don’t want to self-harm; I tried that. In the shower, with the shaving razor, two little red lines, running blood, the sting, it didnt feel good, it didnt help; and I regretted it, I wanted it to go away. I won’t be trying that again, at least not for a while.

I just don’t understand, when did this all happen? And why? What started it - and how do I stop it? Melbourne Music Tour was perfect, I felt alive again, life felt electric and full, lovely and full of opportunities, friendship, warmth; experience. It was 7 days. I had seven days of life. It has been almost 7 days since. I have had seven days of emptiness. I could say it’s a cycle, but it’s not. It was a long, flat line of nothing, and then a 7 day blip, a promising little heartbeat...the world has gone flat again.

I’m kind of getting sad writing this, negativity and all. And it’s not helping, I feel the same, fuzzy head, tired, bored, it’s late (11:07pm, so not really that late for me, but im still tired). Im surprised about how much ive written though, how all of this is just flowing and ive just been letting it all out; ive barely stopped.

Maybe i am a little depressed, sadness comes easily. I do feel sad, deep down, it hurts. And when i do feel sad I know it’s deep, it’s the kind of sadness that opens a ravine in your chest and makes you want to hug something close to you, tight, to close the gap, make it feel better; to have something to hold onto while you’re being ripped apart from the inside out; and when you have no one that’s a little hard to do.

I want to tell myself that I’ll be okay, the thought lingered in my head, but I don’t feel like I will be right now. Im not interested...in life? I dont want to die, i just dont feel interested in doing anything im doing, not really. Even my hobbies are all dropping away. What are my hobbies? I spent one day writing in the holidays and i havent since. I read a bit...but its not very fun. I havent painted anything for months, watching Glee is a good distraction, but its more a way to pass the time than a way to entertain myself. Music is my only real hobby, i enjoy it, i love playing guitar, feeling the song, learning piano, looking at sheet music, recording my voice memos on my phone; if anything can get me through, it’s music. Maybe that’s the way out. I’m planning on buying a proper microphone, to record myself and sing into and...ive been thinking about starting a youtube channel, to have somewhere to put all of the voice memos i record. Maybe people will like it, maybe i’ll like it. It feels like the only step, in any direction, that im planning on taking in my life right now; everything else seems blurred and slow motion, walled-off. Music seems like a road to follow...

I dont know how to end this, i dont know what to say at all. I feel like there’s a lot more to say, but i know ive already said a lot, and i also know that theres nothing else materialising in my head right now; just the distant feel of thoughts. Im scared as well, we just watched a movie, there were dead people in it, it was gory, scary; i didnt like it. So now im paranoid and scared. I’ll go sit in my room, against my headboard, with the wall next to me; it feels safe there.

Maybe i really do need help - i sound insane. Im not, im just going through stuff...maybe i’ll end up talking to mum about it, but for now im going to take the weekend to chill.

[guiltsworn-a]

CHARACTER SHEET.

BASICS.

FULL NAME :  victor conley PRONUNCIATION :  i dont know how to do these its victor conley JGHJKDL NICKNAME :  vic, or none besides what characters give him in interactions GENDER :  cis man HEIGHT :  6′0 AGE :  26 ZODIAC :  cancer SPOKEN LANGUAGES :  common or w/e, very very very little alienage-plucked elvhen

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

HAIR COLOUR :  dark brown, nearly black EYE COLOUR :  also dark brown SKIN TONE :  Deeply tanned, sometimes with a somewhat sickly undertone BODY TYPE :  i don’t know the fancy terms but like? average? not quite built how you’d expect a rogue to be, a lil lankier than that ACCENT :  sera Lite(TM) / a cockney sort of thing, if you will DOMINANT HAND :  right POSTURE :  Bad, constantly slouching, never sitting straight OR still TATTOOS : DEBATE but i usually say he has a lil tattoo on his wrist of his mother’s death date in whatever date system each verse uses MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE : uhhh messy? or that he’s always wearin a long coat

CHILDHOOD.

PLACE OF BIRTH :  denerim, ferelden HOMETOWN :  denerim’s alienage BIRTH WEIGHT :  dont matter BIRTH HEIGHT :  dont matter MANNER OF BIRTH :  natural FIRST WORDS :  probs smth cliche like ‘mama’  SIBLINGS :  none PARENTS :  jodi ( mother, deceased ) walter conley ( father, fucked off somewhere ) PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT :  while dear old walt vanished into thin air the minute jodi’s pregnancy was revealed to him, never to return ; jodi was always there for vic, caring for him, making sure he was happy and as comfortable as she could make him in their situation. even when he was in the Height of his crime years, she was rather loyal to him and hopeful, hopeful he’d turn things around and she’d be there to help him with it. there was never a day mom wasn’t smiling, fiddling with flowers around the house, or reading a book to him since he was too twitchy to read them himself.

ADULT LIFE.

OCCUPATION :  dumbass thief, amos’ lackey, deadbeat, inquisition scout CURRENT RESIDENCE :  skyhold CLOSE FRIENDS : the people he meets in the inquisition RELATIONSHIP STATUS :  interaction dependent, default being single and sleeping around FINANCIAL CLASS :  low/poverty, relying on theft usually to pay for everything DRIVER’S LICENSE :  bis cant drive CRIMINAL RECORD : decently sized, and would be FAR more extensive if he got caught, which he usually doesn’t ‘ VICES ’ :  everything, my guy. crime, alcohol, drugs, etc.

SEX AND ROMANCE.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION :  bisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION :  biromantic PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE :  submissive  /  dominant  /  switch  /  unknown PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE :  submissive  /  dominant  /  switch  /  sex repulsed LIBIDO :  its high TURN ON’S :  god literally anything but honest to god love rly does it for him any romantic moment could be flipped into a lil more at any given opportunity bc he gets overwhelmed KJGHFJDK TURN OFF’S :  NOT MUCH, FRIENDS, but if withdrawals/cravings are Especially bad that might distract him out of it  LOVE LANGUAGE : touch he thrives through holding and being held, being close, playing with hair, running fingers over skin, kissing often and everywhere, sitting in laps, etc RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES :  clingy, very domestic with Everything, like reading together or always bringing an extra cup of tea / bowl of food / whatever for a lover when he gets one for himself, protective and willing to throw away his cowardly nature to defend someone, even if they dont Need defending

MISCELLANEOUS.

CHARACTER THEME SONG : only ONE? bruh... liability by raleigh ritchie HOBBIES TO PASS THE TIME :  mostly drinking, pranking and joking around, searching for cats, gambling,  MENTAL ILLNESS :  depression, anxiety, substance abuse, adhd fits here too i believe PHYSICAL ILLNESS :  nothing too noteworthy, but due to his substance abuse he’s a bit frail in build, not the strongest lad, and his lung capacity isn’t the greatest LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED ?  :  mostly right FEARS :  losing people, being alone, failing, falling back into who he was, templars, many many things SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL :  nonexistent he hates himself and there is an entire in depth headcanon post about how much he does kjfhgjfkdejh though he presents as Incredibly confident, a fun lil act VULNERABILITIES : talk abt family/his mother, also he’s very trusting and caring, therefor easy to hurt and manipulate

TAGGED BY : @fantomese thank u angel of music TAGGING : like everyone has done this so as always, friends who Haven’t 

[elftwink]

uh uh uh could u do orange and blue?

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? what’s your favorite halloween tradition? what’s the last thing you learned? when’s the last time you felt obsessed? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

good music i think?? thats genuinely... one of the only consistent things abt my good moods is that im also listening to good music.

i’m a sucker for costumes so i love that part of halloween honestly why do we not have more costume parties s m h. a couple years ago i made my own costume. it awful but i put so much work into it i love it

i cant think of ANYTHING the semester is over and i havent learned shit. i learned i need to study more, just now. 

BRUH right tf now i literally dont go. a single day w/o thinking about podcasts. not one. my personality is just Like This if i don’t have a new interest i fall back on old ones and i think about them obsessively until i find something new. its #toomuch but idk how to Stop w/o just. repressing my love for things so i dont anymore lmao

i bought a leather jacket for $90 and i didnt eat for the week but it was worth it. also i bought a t-shirt that says “my legs are strong but my will to live is not” which honestly... i love it. i wear it to parties.

blue: what do you do when you’re sad? what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? what kind of covers do you have on your bed? who is the last person you told a secret to?

listen to music and sulk mostly lmao i clean sometimes if its like. normal sad, or i try to write or play ukulele, but if its like. Bad Mental Health sad i stare at the ceiling. if i have any energy i go thru my own ‘bad day’ tag. but like. listening to music and sulking is a Core personality trait lmao

read, draw, write, indulge in complex daydreams w/ten minutes of thinking abt worldbuilding. if im home alone i’ll make food or have a shower. 

uhhhhhhh there was like one dumb night where me and two friends were coming back from a poetry slam (i know) and it was like. 1am and we were just talking about how much we loved the city and how nice it was and we found an empty train car and started recording random poetry lines we thought were good for a team piece (i kNOW) and we went back to on of the friend’s houses and made chicken strips and mac and cheese and started writing random shit on post-it notes to make a poem and we were up until four. everything we wrote was shit but the memory is really nice, and i wish i spoke to the two of them more but hs #drama happened so lmao

fuckin. theyre comic book ‘sound effect’ sheets. like they have things like “POW!” and “ZAPP” on them. theyre super dorky djkhjsk

i aint never had a secret in my life i tell everyone everything theres not a single fact about me that at least three people don’t know. not to mention the last ‘secret’ i had was like. telling ppl im gay and not bi and i for some reason did that at a party so i don’t actually know. who i told. im a Hot Mess