#i cant even talk to her about the self harm shit or the passive suicidal thoughts or any of that shit At All

[virmillion]

hhh

[credulouscanidae]

i had 2 breakdowns in the same day at work yesterday, to the point where i went home early. the first breakdown i managed to pull myself out of, spending 10 mins alone doing deep breathing and calming down, and i was proud of myself for actually giving the day another go; usually when i breakdown i cant even face the rest of the day or get back to it.

luckily the last breakdown happened in the last hour and a half of my shift, but yeah....

they were both caused by the same coworker, or moreso the way she spoke to me both times were the straws that broke the camels back. 

still...im still so severely shaken even 24 hours later, i couldnt stop dissociating, a week of bad sleep and nightmares have cumulated into an almost crisis, and last night i self harmed for the first time in years. i was really fortunate to have my roommates opening up a conversation w me and i got to vent about the day.

my coworker made me feel so shocked and isolated, the things she was talking to me about + her delivery of it insinuated some deep long-term personal resentment against me, and it was something i wouldve not picked up from a mile away because i considered us to be quite close as workmates.

its seriously making me not wanna go back to work, to the point where im only into the evening of my first weekend day and im already trying to fight back a panic attack. the “incident” got sorta unresolved, because i was so beside myself when it happened, and she immediately flipped to consoling me when i started crying again.

im still swimming in my head “what did i do wrong? why was she so mad at me?” because it sounds like a misunderstanding (to put it as briefly as possible, our manager quit when i had only been there for about 3 months, but before that she was my trainer. i utilised all my coworkers knowledge and help to learn about grooming, but i definitely have been working w the other bather [the coworker in question] the closest. yesterday she practically confronted me saying she was told by the bosses she was my trainer, not the old manager, and she and her authority over me had felt disrespected and undermined, she scoffs at me when i explain i didnt realise she was meant to be that directly in charge of me, and says i was told. to add, i literally have no memory of disrespecting her authority and have in fact been the one solid grounding for her since all her drama w the other coworkers, as i said, we were close, and to have to literally throw this 180 change of behaviour at me out the blue has left me so shaken to say the least, i apologised to her that i made her feel that way but i just broke down sobbing)

anyway.......sigh.....

ive been dealing with imposter syndrome ever since i got this job last year, i was originally shy and a bit reserved, but i buckled down and tried to do my best job possible, utilising everyone around me and supporting everyone. yes ive given into the drama (god theres so much of it) at times, but the bather coworker has always assured me i am “punching up” because she is technically above me when i vent. 

this was also coupled with management treating us like absolute shit during this lockdown. im so tired. the customers are so angry. i havent been able to switch off from work, i thought my work-life balance was bad enough beforehand but now im literally unable to sleep and having suicide and self harm relapses because of this stupid fucking job.

and i dont wanna quit. i would fucking hate myself because i have been beginning to vocalise to other coworkers how much im struggling, and i dont wanna quit and thereby proving im not cut out for this job- ive been with it 10 months and i still cant even convince myself i belong there.

theres so much bullying and bullshit going on. i dont wanna be weak and quit. im too passive and i understand i need to talk to this coworker about my issues with her. but she is extremely volatile and heightened and reactive, and bringing any sorta grievance to her in the past has either been met with excuses or self-depreacting comments, or a mix of both. its so much emotional labour, and the self-care part of me thinks “fuck this, i dont deserve to be feeling this way by others when ive only ever tried to be helpful and good at my job and train” but theres such a dominant part of me thats so scared and ashamed and confused. i still cant even process if my coworker was angry at me or angry at the lack of communication from management. but the way she was talking, she clearly had something stewing in her for a long time.

i cant do this anymore. 

[cryptid-anarchist]

self hatred rant. i really need to get this out somehow, i want help but i cant turn anywhere right now

i really hate myself sometimes. how i am. i had a great fucking day today, but then it just occurred to me how much i really suck. no matter how hard i keep trying, i cant get past parts of how i am, mostly caused by my autism or depression. sometimes anxiety. ive realized recently that i cant follow through on shit, ive been joking lately that im a “jack of all trades, a master of none!” but thats because i cant fucking commit. i couldnt even ever properly be suicidal, i always chickened out, or i was afraid of inconveniencing people depending on the method. 

the person i love the most is a person who would have gotten through life fine without me but if i hadnt met him i probably wouldnt be alive right now, i was falling so fucking far at that time i was probably a week away from doing what everyone here does to kill themselves without drugs. i dont know if he realizes he has helped me that much but he knows he’s helped me change. and sometimes im angry with him because he gave me gifts that came with trust, if i ever hurt myself the way i used to then that would be a betrayal of the trust he gave me with the pocket knives. i dont know if he did that on purpose, hes a bit of a redneck with a knife collection and he knows i found a bunch of them cool looking. but sometimes it feels like him giving me a few (one for valentines day, one for christmas, one for my birthday, and one he helped me pick out that i bought) was like saying “i know you dont trust people, so these can keep you a little safe. as long as you know i trust that you wont hurt yourself”. im angry about it but at the same time i know that the meaning i projected onto that has helped keep me safe. 

i even got pet snakes because of him. if it werent for him, i wouldnt have done so. but i got them because i knew i needed another crutch. i feel so selfish about that. i do everything i can to make sure they have a good life. i provide for them. and i enjoy interacting with them. they cheer me up. so simple minded, they cant understand human existential crisis. while its true they cant love me the way a human defines love, im honored to have their trust. and i stay alive because im afraid if i cant be around for them, they’ll end up not being taken care of well. 3 of them are actually rescues that i took in because after my boyfriend nursed them, he needed to clear up space so i took them in. dad was pissed about it, he didnt expect any more after the one. 

and my dad has a new wife. im happy for him. and shes way better and easier to talk to than his previous wife. as im adopted, im not related to any one of my family. they always spoke about how great my mom was. i hated her, and she hated me. she always put on an act of caring a little about me in front of the rest of the house. she fucked me up so badly. and her funeral shocked me. i couldnt believe a woman like her, as she presented herself to me, would have such a large funeral. i knew she let her stress out at me, but i was angry that it was ONLY me. all those people were upset that she died. if she didnt die that april i was ready to kill myself that may.then months passed, and i had a few bumpy encounters with potential romantic partners, but then i met my boyfriend. 

i feel really bad that he found me in such a wrecked state. but also grateful he stuck around so long. ive been building myself back up as a person lately. expanding my interests, and becoming a more outgoing person. learning to stand up for myself too. but i really, really wonder if its all worth it or not. i wonder if it was a mistake to keep going this long. because now im afraid of dying, because ive been working so hard. i dont want to let it all go to waste, but im afraid its going to go to waste even if i try hard. like everything else has. 

i dont knwo how to let out this stress. if i betray his trust, ill feel even worse. ive been in a total art funk, so i keep getting more stressed by that. and i dont want to waste my brain away with more manga or anime right now, because i feel like im hiding from my problems. im still afraid to talk to my stepmom about this any more than passive comments, and my dad is fucking terrible with serious talks to the point i dont think i’ll ever approach him with this again. my one true friend is visiting family, and my boyfriend is also visiting family states away for a few weeks. drinking is out the window, last tiem i drank while upset i had some scratches in my self harm zones. my snakes are either in shed or havent stopped fasting, so its unwise for me to handle them. my dog even walks away from me when im too sad to move.