#i cant even remember what my first time was because weve always just. existed around each other

[irl-ichi]

this is what love is

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[gizmosisbuttons]

Episode 4 was a fandom wide callout post.

all you fools too busy being pissed bc Coran went all show crazy and basically re-characterized the paladins to what the masses found entertaining, to notice that the entire episode was literally a fandom wide call out post. they literally called us out guys. 

lets go over the list of things Coran said/did in ep 4 and compare them shall we?

let me preface this by saying he literally wasn't himself and i still love him just as much as before, my gorgeous man.

”I worked up very specific personas for each of you. This is going to help the audience connect on a much deeper level with each team member.” 

as if they didn't already have defining personalities that make them very likable and awesome? sounds familiar right? its one thing to speculate and theorize based on what we know about a character especially if we don’t know a lot about said character. the writers put a lot of time and effort into developing these characters and even said during an interview once that one of the things that bugged them about og Voltron was that the only properly developed character was Keith. the other guys didn't get a chance to be loved. and that was what they aimed to do, to give every paladin and character the chance to be loved. since the beginning the fandom has been bad at this. taking one teeny trait from each character and twisting them so that the only thing that matters is that trait. 

         “lover-boy lance”

throughout the series lance is known  to flirt with...pretty much every cute alien girl. of course. hes handsome, charming, girls love him. Coran wipes away all of the actually relatable things about his personality in favor of this charming flirt who would win over girls. Lance is insecure, he’s witty, he is the freaking sharpshooter, the teams sniper and their glue. he’s voltrons right hand now for a reason. he got into the garrison which is a military space exploration base, not just anyone gets in. hes incredibly intelligent and a great pilot. amazing really. bc simulations are always absolutely terrible and rarely help. oh yea, and hes charming.but god forbid anyone forget that hes a flirt. who cares about the other stuff that will actually help the audience connect with him. 

        “science wiz pidge” 

its no secret that pidge is incredibly intelligent. she is one of the characters who haven't gotten their developing points until this season. in one of the first flashbacks we learned she nearly gave up studying because some kid decided to be a dick and bully her. Matt pulled her out of it and encouraged her to work hard. later on in ep 4 coran says that her science doesn't need to be factually correct because noone will understand her either way. he undermined her intelligence because . well. noone cares what she says as long as it sounds smart. fanfic writers do this a lot. like. a lot. i understand that you may not have the same knowledge that the girl who hacked herself into a military school base undercover at he age of 14-15 (if the theory that the garrison is a high school program is correct) because she had gotten banned for sneaking in and hacking into the computer system, but if you really do insist on focusing her on her smarts, do some research. no to mention. pidge may be the youngest, but she really is more than science and calculations. shes intelligent yes, but she can hold her own in battle (at the age range of 15-17 with no prior battle training), shes afraid of the possible reality that all her efforts are wasted and Matt and Sam are dead, she is actually pretty social with the paladins (she can even be seen hanging out in the kitchen while hunk makes glass cookies.) and beyond her intelligence, shes wise. shes not just random science facts, she knows how to hold her own in situations outside of battle and books. shes street smart. 

       “lone wolf keith”

now i know this was said to allura, and ill get to that. but if the keith vlog showed us anything, its that  hes not just a moody loner teenager.  i am very guilty of this myself. i portray keith as a human disaster. we don’t know hen he was left alone, we don’t really know much of his story. i head canon that his dad left him to fend for himself but every month woul drop off food or money or something. i head canon hes terrible about taking care of his body. but at least i don’t call him moody and move on.  i give him a background to fill in the blank space, but sometimes i forget and focus too much on his folded arms and  pouty face. he smiles. he laughs. hes an actual precious bean.  but hes also afraid of being pushed away. hes guarded and does his best to be strong. he hides his feelings and protects his heart with everything he has. (geez boi who hurt you). he is not the human embodiment of “teenagers” by mcr. aka he has feelings too. not to mention he also got into the garrison, and was the top pilot regardless of how he got in, if it happened to be by recommendation like most people think. 

      “humourous hunk”

as a hunk stan this one annoys me the most. throughout the episode hunk is consistently embarrassed, and even protests the fart noises, fart jokes, etc. he is purposely tripped for laughs. the fandom forgets that hes not just the fat funny guy, or just the personal chef. hes overcome so much since babies first lion flight, he used to get sick, constantly had to be the voice of reason to keep his teammates out of trouble,  he is just as intelligent as pidge and is actually one of the only people that can keep up with her science stuff. keith and lance even stated that they didnt understand anything they'd said. hes a fantastic engineer even if he had a few tummy mishaps. hes an amazing pilot too, and extremely sassy. he and pidge probably rigged the game console to work in space, And hes pretty friendly and cautious. he is NOT meant to be the comic relief. (say it louder for people in the back)

     “shiro the hero”

a lot of the fandom has taken to calling shiro daddy, sexualizing him (”now put on this tight shirt”) and focusing on shiro and only shiro (shiros the “favorite character” of corans little show). hes great. he really is. and the man needs a break. voltron is a kids show. he isnt meant to  be sexualized, none of them are. hes more than his arms and his leadership abilities. the biggest issue i have with the whole shiro thing. regardless of if hes a clone, when shiro returned he cut his hair differently, and wore short sleeves. everyone i know, including me, said they'd be fine with the clone if he had kept his hair long and “as much as i love the arm view” and didnt change his outfit. its a kid show. his body shouldn't matter.i am also guilty of this, and ep 4 opened my eyes to it. coran lifted shiros arm as if to prove that thats what the audience really wanted. he treats shiro differently bc hes the real star here and everyone should know it. ofc, hes the black paladin. (i wonder where the whole “the black paladin is the only one who really matters here” mindset came from. looking @ u ‘84). shiros may have ptsd, and hes constantly trying to hold himself together for his team, and its obviously not easy. maybe thats why hes got a cute white floof. the stress. 

      alluras erasure  

another point that always bugged me. the fandom either forgets allura exists, or that she is just stealing lances place temporarily. Allura is the blue paladin. while keith is gone, she is not filling in. shes a paladin now too. for coran to call her keith, and constantly call her keith, even though she obviously has a few choice words to say about it, its distrespectful. she says his plan is working and he replies with “why thank you keith...i like to keep you in character” once again, erasing her existence. now im not as well versed in this particular topic, but id like you to keep in mind that he talks to his princess with that mouth, and that she IS the princess and not a fill in while keith leads. feel free to elaborate on this more. 

     coran “fires “ team voltron. 

this. i find extremely entertaining. remember that legal trouble last year bc of the leaks? and right around that time the klance shipper started threatening them if they didn't make it gayer and put keith and lance together? the  fandom, who wanted all of this to happen their way, were threatening to get it cancelled and such just because things didnt go their way. shiro, the leader, disagreed with coran and tries to shut him down. and coran in fit of rage says:

you're a bunch of quitters! quitters! i’m a visionary! i have thoughts, ideas, i dont need you anyway. ill rewrite the show, get rid of the whole lot of you, replace you with new paladins! and the show will be better than ever before!...except for you shiro, ill never get rid of you, you're our most popular character!

this is essentially what the fandom was saying. now, was this definitely their plan, to call us out with this bit, in not sure, but honestly, its almost too coincidental.

the writers have made it clear that they heard us, and have always been listening. and really, thats why i love ep4. you're angry because you know you got called out but haven't admitted it to yourself. the writers do their best to bring us the best show possible, but they cant satisfy everyone. why cant we just be happy about Actual Meme (tm) Matt, and look forward to season five instead of fighting them because we got our shit handed right back to us. weve gotten a  taste of our own medicine, so chill. i enjoy them keeping us on our toes, surprising us with every turn, theyre great writers.who cares if one or two things pissed you off? we both know youre not gonna stop watching.

[grammaticalmustaches]

KETTLE KATCHERZ FEEL FREE TO READ

under a read more due to length oops

suddenly overcome with love for my players. its a constant emotion but im feeling it so big right now. 

theyre just so invested in the world! and their characters! and theyre so kind!?! truly i think dnd brings out the best in people.

i gave them some kenku that are having trouble integrating with a community because of the language barrier and now my players are out of game diving into esl education to make a communication book to help them get basic ideas across.

it is an ongoing joke that they adopt every npc i give them and its not much of a joke bc no lie i think there are just as many npcs who travel with the party as there are actual pcs. actually i just counted there are exactly as many party npcs as there are pcs. three of those npcs are kind of just one npc who at one point shared a consciousness but are now separate(-ish) beings and one of those npcs is just a small horde of dust bunnies that occasionally either makes or cleans up messes so you could argue the numbers dont actually line up but it is still an absurd number of npcs to have adopted. i have to plan reasons npcs cant or dont want to go on adventures as one of the first character points i make otherwise their party would be triple its size. i am constantly forgetting how many npcs they have with them at all times but they Dont forget and make points to include them in conversations and decision making.

i just think dnd brings out the best in people!!!

also i lowkey hate making maps but maps are important for understanding the world so iv been doing research and shit and trying to get better at it but! my players literally help with that? not just in making it fun and rewarding but like literally help with the task of it? 

as in we just came from a city that one of my players spent a few years at so he drew a map of the city and wrote me out a Huge world building document about the city and its culture and like, climate and neighborhoods and what was important to his character while living there and everything! and another player gave me a six page document that included maps about the territory their character grew up in like, almost at the very beginning of our campaign! i havn’t even had a chance to use any of that information yet because they come from a very far away place! they dont care they Had Fun making me this big old document! and now we’re visiting a player’s childhood home and They’ve offered to make the map for the area! that would be three whole maps all player made!!! 

theyre just so invested and make things so easy on me!!! it is so easy to dm a group that is constantly focused on Working With the world and moving their characters forward!

and its a super homebrewed campaign partially bc i honestly think thats not only more fun but how dnd is Meant to be played, with some creativity and making shit up on the spot, but also my players are so good!!! about shit being homebrew!!! when something comes up we dont know the rules for or which rules dont exist for we work together to decide what happens!!! if someone knows a rule i dont they let me know and i can ask them what they think happens given the rules that do apply and we make decisions together on how it works with a focus on what makes the most compelling story! 

its just so truly OUR game!!! my beloved comrades!!!

Also like, its been off and on and we’ve taken breaks but we’ve been playing since March 2019? and people have added and left and like i said we’ve had to take breaks but in the end this is not a campaign i can imagine not being in anymore. i cannot imagine this campaign ending just because, like, there’s just so many of them who are so invested!!! and Im so invested! to be honest this campaign is one of the most fun and rewarding things in my life and one of my favorite things about it is how confident i am that it is going to be a constant in my life for a long time. like im really able to just Revel in this campaign and sink hours of work into weird bullshit and plan out arcs and enemies and friends and plot hooks and aesthetic bullshit i dont expect our party to meet for Quite a while because i just! i have no fear that this is going to end!

One of my players got a symbol from our campaign tattooed onto their flesh body? art that i made for dungeons and dragons? it will be on their human body for the rest of their life? and another got a tattoo that (partially) represents what this campaign means to them? another has told me they would love to get a campaign related tattoo with me someday? there is a tattoo in game that binds (most of) the pcs to each other and there has been talk about us getting that tattoo together?

i cannot think about this for too long or i go insane. i made some shapes on canva and spent the whole time wishing i had ms paint because ms paint is my level of art and these are designs that are being added to bodies because we have collectively installed so much emotion and meaning into them. 

i am losin gmy mind.

and like, iv already sunk lowkey a kind of unreasonable amount of time (esp for someone who just went back to school and has homework!) into making my kenku soundboard and mixtape but its been such a passion project already and the whole time iv been working on it iv had Zero fear of the reception because i Know and Trust that my players will think my first attempt at using garageband is sick as hell even if its kind of not because they are just crazy supportive and love our world like i cant even really call it my world its truly Our world and! we all love and contribute to it!!!???!!!

I just love my party so much!!!

i just!!! truly think!!! dnd brings out the best in people!!!

at the end of every session we do a rose/bud/thorn (thing we liked/thing we’re looking forward to/thing that could be improved or issue wed like to bring up) to check in with how the session went!!! we discuss things we didnt like and how wed change them!!! 

they challenge me Constantly not just in pushing my capabilities as a growing dm but they also speak up and challenge my decisions when they disagree! 

i jsut cannot get over how truly we are Working Together in all aspects to make this campaign what it is. 

i have a tendency to move dnd at a crawling pace where every hour of every day is meticulously role played. and they told me they didnt like that and now we work together to make things move faster! and it doesnt always work and we still dont move that fast but weve brainstormed several options and tried a few new things to make it easier for me to go faster!

PROBLEM SOLVING INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF GAME

dnd! brings out! the best in people!

and also also also theres like, Multiple players who really hate using technology and sometimes esp video chatting. and most sessions currently people’s thorns have been tech issues/being on video. but wer still all (mostly) show up every session! we still submit to the mortifying ordeal of being seen/heard on discord!

some of my players have an accented character voice and i love them So So So Much for this and it makes me feel confident and comfortable enough to try my best at (when i remember to) doing character voices for npcs but we are not critical role and we are certainly not voice actors so none of our voices are very good or consistent! and my players with accents get self conscious about this pretty often but like!!! they are TRYING!!! they are GIVING IT THEIR ALL!!!

what more could anyone possibly ask of them?

multiple players have come to me concerned and looking for advice/help because they dont think theyre very good at role play/staying in character. we’ve got people who so dedicated theyre stepping Way outside their comfort zone and then turning around and apologizing for how far a walk it was??? they are giving it Their All and their biggest concern is how to give MORE?

i had a moment last session where i realized that our current arc is literally exactly the kind of arc i Dreamed of dming when i was first starting out. like, not to toot my own horn but its legitimately open world and they have a mystery that they need to get to know a small community and find out what everyone knows and put all the pieces together to figure out what happened. i used to scroll through dm forums Endlessly looking for Any advice on how to plan a good mystery and i didnt think id ever be at the point where i could actually pull a mystery Or an open world arc off. but like, here i am. its going pretty great so far.

also this current arc is one of the First i ever thought up for this campaign. obviously it’s changed and evolved a lot since original concept but like. just a Bit emotional over, ya know. finally getting here and having it be even better than i imagined. how far we’ve all come, in and out of game. the fact that my players had so much fun talking to my prize npc kenku whom i have been developing for literal years now and adore beyond reason that they are learning about esl studies to help them integrate into the coven they are trying to join.

DND! BRINGS OUT! THE BEST IN PEOPLE!

COLLABORATIVE STORYTELLING. WORKING TOGETHER TO CRAFT MEANING. LOVING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHERS CREATIVE DECISIONS. MAKING DICK JOKES.

THIS IS WHAT DND IS ALL ABOUT BABY. 

[s-nnyd]

hey. all of the qs from the ask meme that apply to you. have fun

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

oh boy well with my dad most certainly not theres a lot situations where its been made obvious that im not the son he wanted but he’ll still use me as an example to show to my lil bro and also like theres a lot of cockiness too and with my mom i love her and i know she loves and supports me but a lot of that is because im her daughter  and id say id have a decent relationship with my mom and i do love her

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

lmao it was you

03: Do you regret anything?

oooooooooooooooooo boi man i been thinking and like ive thought about if ive regretted ever being friends with angie and id like to say that i dont cause shes done a lot and shes given a lot to me whether it be good or bad and ive grown a lot from it and i think that if i completely erased that then i wouldnt be able to work through the things i have and like in other aspects i regret not saying “i think youre cute” to movie girl and knott’s info boy like my goodness they were both so damn cute and i really shoulda said something

04: Are you insecure?

hell yeah i am

05: What is your relationship status?

single right now and i do want to eventually date someone and have that sort of closeness and that sort of relationship where i can feel at peace and rely on someone but i honest to goodness don’t think there’s anyone for me just yet and i don’t think im in a place really to be dating anyone cause i need to resolve things before i try to start something new

06: How do you want to die?

oh man duuude okay so when we read granny weatherall i legit like had a breakdown and i started panicking cause i started thinking about death all of a sudden and like there are situations where ive considered suicide and all but like there are also the times where it feels like its looming over me so much and like i get so so scared like im scared to walk down the pier at the beach at night because it so dark and the point where you look out onto the horizon and the horizon no longer exists and and its just a void and its so dark and like i think thats how i wanna die just im walking out on the pier at midnight and just im swallowed up because i think in the last moments i think i should just confront it

07: What did you last eat?

i had these hawaiian shortbread cookies that are so dang good like mmmmmmmmmmmm

08: Played any sports?

man i used to do tennis and swimming and i would love to go back to it

09: Do you bite your nails?

nah

10: When was your last physical fight?

like one where someone was genuinely hurt? like an hour ago and it was with the ground cause i got flung off my skateboard but for real i think my last physical fight was like kinder

11: Do you like someone?

skdjashjdkashd i doooo and i should noottttt and theres a lot of things i already know that its kinda like the crush is coming from the fact that there was a lot of support and general niceness and a whooollle lot of other reasons why i should not and im looking forward to the day when this goes away

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

my goodness i have and i died

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

hmm i do but i forgot who it was

14: Do you miss someone?

yeah i kinda miss my old self but for real i really miss my cousin lynnette like i havent seen her for like two years and i really needa hang out with her eventually

15: Have any pets?

dang i wish

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

at the moment? p distressed and very in my own head like i really need a break from a lot of other things but i also need a break from myself oh! ill show you my art project that were doing later when i finish it cause like we ended up havign to do an extreme emotion self portrait of how we feel at this point in time and like its hilarious cause ppl pass by it and theyre like “dude are you okay like just looking at that makes me feel bad”

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

dkjasdh i have not but i lowkey wanna just cause

18: Are you scared of spiders?

uH YEAh

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

i would i would and if it was to relive a memory definitely if it was to redo something over differently most definitely if it was to reexperience something wihtout changing something then uh no

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

hhhhhhh oh my goodness lowkey embarrassed to say it cause weve talked about places to snog a while ago and like the last time i did was like in the bushes in the sculpture garden

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

maybe working on the death of a salesman project maybe just getting some rest im really not sure im literally living day to day at this point

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

pfft man i do not wanna have any kids like at all

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i got two but theyve closed up already since i dont use em

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

art, a bit of dabbling in math, and then also psych like i lvoed the fuck outta that class

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

oh yeah definitely and i think about her a lot i definitely miss meleana and sometimes ill go out and theres a souvenir shop and ill look at the best friend necklaces cause she always got one for us and like i have a box just full of all the halved best friend necklaces and i wonder a lot what would have happened had we still kept contact she was a big gateway to a lot of things in my life 

26: What are you craving right now?

mmm some damn relief but for real tho i want someone to run their hands through my hair and pet it and all like any of the daydreams i have are usually centered around my new haircut

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i? dont? think? so? theres like only one of two people i know of who like ever liked me and that was jolin (the other one is this sophomore from my art class last year)

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

lol no

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

wish i could even get a date

30: What’s irritating you right now?

well i brought up the other ones in our chat and those are the main ones currently so

31: Does somebody love you?

yeah and i think in a lot of situations whether theyre friends or fam im being put on the weird pedestal

32: What is your favourite color?

OH OH OH ITS CERULEAN BLUE LIKE I KNOW ITS REAL SPECIFIC BUT LIKE THAT THAT BLUE IS SO GOOD LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE IT IN PUBLIC MY CHEST SWELLS UP AND MY LUNGS FEEL SO COLD AND THE AIR FEELS REALLY NICE AND LIKE MAN I LOVE THAT BLUE

33: Do you have trust issues?

lol yeah and in the process ive lied a lot and ive gotten so good at lying that sometimes i forget i am lying and the lines between whats truth or not get all blurry (i legit did not mean for that to come off as tumblr-esque as it did)

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

it was me just kinda floating in random space and then i was in a white room with no walls no doors no windows and i just walked around in this open blank space

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hhhh mrs quiggle

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

sometimes i think i do

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

haH hAH HAH haaa.......no

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

uh i believe 13 oh wait no scratch that i was like 8

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i needed to get the laundry so...

51: Favourite food?

prolly ramen oh or loco moco cause its so good

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

mmm i think id say i do

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

i was working on my entry for the lawyer firm art contest

54: Is cheating ever okay?

hell no

55: Are you mean?

i think so cruel even just cause i know so much and i think people who know and understand and think so much are in general dangerous cause they calculate their actions and sometimes that scares me cause i cant tell if im doing it on purpose or not but just in general yeah im mean like too many shits are just not given

56: How many people have you fist fought?

like? uh? i think maybe two and both times were when i was like 8 or 9

57: Do you believe in true love?

mmm i do i do and i think a lot of that true love stems from a relationship based on communication, honesty, trust, and a really good friendship as a foundation

58: Favourite weather?

oooOOOOOO okay so do you remember that one time it was raining hard as fuck like sophomore year like i know its real vague but it was legit pouring and like it was actually so bad that everyone adn i mean everyone went into the library to get some form of shelter and there were people who were soaked to the bone and peoples umbrellas were getting broken cause it was so cold rainy and windy like that that kinda weather is my fave

59: Do you like the snow?

uh i think i do?

60: Do you wanna get married?

hell yeah

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

mmmm i get a lil weird on that but i think some of my favorite ones are like being called “love” like “whats going on love” or “you look good today love” like mmm i eat that shit up

62: What makes you happy?

man legend of zelda is makign me so damn happy rn like it legit means so damn much to me adn like theres so much i lvoe about it and i just lvoe talking about it and anything about it in general and like also skateboarding has been making me real happy lately like ive never loved getting hurt more and like that sounds really bad and like my left knee’s nerves are totally shot cause i fell straight on it and messed it up cause i was skating but like theres just soemthing about feeling more within my own body because im gettin some form of physical activity adn im getting hurt adn its like its a reality in its own way and like i really love it and i super love when i get to cruise like it feels so damn esp with my hair now and also what makes me happy is the ppl i find cute every now and then like its genuinely such a nice experience and oh oh i just wanted to talk about it jsut cause but like whenever i get a crush i get real excited and real happy cause like i love getting them gifts and seeing the surprise and the happiness on their faces cause its like oh you thought of me and oh its somehting i really love and like it makes them happy for that glimpse of a moment and like i love talking to them and like when they tell me about things they like or their passionate about its so nice to hear cause its like yes yes yes i support you and i love you i love seeing you happy and like just seeing your brightens my day and like even if i do confess and i do get rejected ive been mroe than lucky cause its like the people i have confessed to have been so gentle with the rejection and so kind with it and its like oh no!! like yes im sad that we couldnt be more but like thank you!!! thank you so much for letting me love you adn letting me give you so much thank you for brightening my days up and lettign me see your smiles and hear your laughs like thank you so much im so glad i could crush on you and like thats another thing that makes me happy and like theres probably a lot more that i could talk about but i think ill leave at that for now

63: Would you change your name?

i been actually thinking about it for a while adn in the times that i have considered it i usually use a game with the customizable name to try it out and like at some point i used Elle and then i tried Lynn and like i dunno im really not too sure and maybe if other names come in the future ill test those out cause truly it doesnt feel like my name is my own

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

mm yeah id think so cause theres stuff we were supposed to talk about that we didnt and uhh yeah

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

say “thanks im really flattered but i really dont think im in a place right now where i should get into a relationship”

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

lmao no

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

uhh the guy at the receptionist desk when i went in to submit my entry for the art contest

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

lol if what we talked about wasnt deep and it wasnt you then itd be mrs quiggle

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

fuck yeah

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i dont think so like i wouldnt even die for myself

[kagayakimasu]

getting to know shinee world ♡

@duevangogh tagged me to answer these shinee questions and before i get started ill tag @acelululala @kimjongloser @ninonisanoctopus @taerrorize @peridoxxx @5-25 @eyes0ny0u @lunar-otter @losteraable  (but its ok if you dont want to do it ♡) and can i tag you @duevangogh back since you posted the questions but didnt answet them? ;u; ♡

01: How did you get into SHINee?

i like telling this story lmao

 yk that msn messenger thing we used to use like forever ago? my friends and i had this emoticon of a guy we assumed was from a kpop group laughing and he was adorable so we decided to look for him in music videos cause we knew kpop existed but we werent rly interested in it so i tried looking for him in shinee videos and instead i found taemin and fun fact: i still dont know who the emoticon guy was lmao

02: Your favorite member in SHINee is?

my favorite member has always been taemin but ive been in such an ot5 mood recently ;;

03: Bias wrecker anyone?

all??? of them???? im like minho it depends on the day

04: Your favorite SHINee OTP (if you have one)

again all of them OTL i mostly ship people like in a friendship kind of way so all the dynamics in shinee are really adorable and i love seeing any of them but ill say ontae and minkey

05: Is there a SHINee ship you don’t like?

at first i wasnt so warm about 2min tbh but that didnt last like a couple of months

06: The SHINee member you think is most easily shipped

i dont know? ;;;;;

07: Your favorite Korean song by SHINee

i cant choose one ;;; hit me, last gift and selene 6.23 are ones that hit me pretty hard 

08: Your favorite Japanese song by SHINee

better is a really really special song to me because i remember when the album wasnt released yet and the only way to listen to it was in a super lq tudou video and right around that time my cousin came home from japan so he brought me the album and it was my first album and i treasure it so dearly TT but honestly im the biggest sucker for shinees japanese discography 

09: Favorite album

the first is really special for me, i love every song and theyre all in japanese and key is in a shopping cart i just love it so much ♡

10: Your favorite live performance

like a fire from swc iii clearly also their very first live comeback stage for everybody it was so good? the first time they performed sleepless night and tho i hate it when a member is missing i find it really nice to hear the other members covering their parts

11: First SHINee MV you saw

for some reason i chose replay out of the youtube search suggestions yk (how did i not pick lucifer i was in my emo phase idk how that happened)

12: Your first impression of SHINee

cute af, onew and keys voices destroyed me and i did not believe the mushroom guy from replay was the long haired lucifer himself in the lucifer mv

13: Is there a SHINee member that recently impressed you?

umm yes they impress me everyday let me live rip 

but jokes aside tbh every time taemin performs sayonara hitori he got me SO shook its never the same and like this isnt necessarily impressing me but sometimes taemins smile is so beautiful i cant believe and i cry 

14: The SHINee member you think has changed the most over the years

tbh i dont really like talking about change because im idk i guess im a little stuck up but one thing im really happy about is the fact that minkey got over their infamous fight and taemin has clearly become this amazing artist but it was kind of to be expected cause weve known him since he was a lil tiny child

15: The SHINee member you think has changed the least

i dont really know how to judge this adkjnvjnf i guess onew has had the least physical change since he was already almost becoming an adult when he debuted so we got to see less of his natural maturing and stuff but i also feel like jonghyun has accepted himself a lot over the years so hes allowed us to see a side of him that has always been there so even though it was sort of new to us at first, it wasnt really a change

16: Your favorite SHINee MV

lowkey replay japanese version highkey married to the music also lucky star is a masterpiece

17: Your favorite SHINee lyric

im actually really weak for even mildly cute lyrics like its two words and im on the floor screaming and there are some really specific ones that people really dont care for but i think are so beautiful like the “im not important” part in selene 6.23 and theres something along the lines of “i want you to depend/rely on me” in colors of the season but like the english translations dont do it justice i think the meaning in the original japanese words is so deep (and its probably really not lmao) also really simple ones like “you are the reason of my smile” in always love i just! want! to talk! about! lyrics!

18: The SHINee member you think has the best face

key 100% i remember when i first got into shinee id think key was taemin because he looked the best and i thought oh that must be the long haired guy

19: The SHINee member you think has the best body

onew hes soft and his face is squishy

20: The SHINee member you think has the best personality

mmmmmmmmm too hard they all have so many qualities i think are important in a person idk 

21: A SHINee picture that makes you smile

its just so funny to me omg

22: A SHINee picture that makes you nostalgic

23: Your favorite quote by someone in SHINee

i think taemin is really inspirational and i think about him saying you have to give up things to achieve others a lot also keys entire chicken speech

24: A picture of your bias with someone else you like in another group

25: Have you seen SHINee live?

not yet ;;

26: Do you have a favorite variety show moment?

tbh every time they eat and all these japanese hosts who treat taemin like a lil prince are 10/10 

27: How would you describe SHINee in three words?

bestthing thatseverhappened tome

28: Which SHINee video would you show to someone who has never heard of them before?

not a video but someone has this series of gifsets that they call “someone asked why im a shawol” or something like that i forgot who it was sry ;;; but i think those sum them up rly well

29. Is there a memory in connection to SHINee that you will always treasure?

when i was in japan there was a day i bought a fuck load of albums and random merch and the store clerks were all really nice to me and at the end of the day i remember when i was leaving shin ookubo, there was a store playing lucifer pretty loud so it felt like it was the soundtrack of my life as i walked down the street lmao and it was really the perfect way to finish such a great day

30: If you could tell SHINee anything you wanted…what would that be?

i think about this a lot but i still havent found an answer orz i think i would just end up telling them theyre the most important thing in my life but i wish i could let them know how much they mean like not to be dramatic but i couldnt live without them, i wish there was a way to make that sound good yk cause like it sounds way too extreme and generic and maybe hard to believe but i wish i knew a way to let them really understand how much they mean to me

[vitalmindandbody]

10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

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[somedaypast-thesunset]

"you know, its a good thing. honestly, its good that you see your value even if you dont see it in other places atleast youre seeing it in your intimate relationship. like this is a difference in you - no one prompted this. i didnt say anything to you. i dont think anyone else said anything. you just thought about it and decided on it. thats a really good thing" thank you, friend. because this is a really valid point that makes all the difference and i might not have seen that. for the first time, honestly, im not crazy. like im not questioning my belief as crazy or delusional. i know i dont like this and therefore its wrong. its not 'is this okay' - its not. and now im fed up. and i became quietly fed up. like i just sat on it and sat on it and never spoke about it to anyone. i dont ponder these thougbts with people. i just drive myself crazy thinking about it. because i know it doesnt matter now. i used to think it matter. i used to think that maybe someone knew more or better than i did. maybe i was just sooo dumb and useless that i dont "get it". so i fell in line to what others thought was best. whatever they said, i did. and i would try to seek a certain approval of my own ways so that i could justify believing other people knowing they really didnt know any better than i do. its a really fucked uo pattern thats like just shitty low self esteem. but heres the thing - i gained so much from him. like he completely changed my world view. not who i am but my world view and he gave me, honest to god, the path into humanity. like i also justified my own weakness of not taking more initiative to understand people and thus not feel abhorred by them and continue my cycle of low self esteem. seeing him be the person he is - not because hes great. hes not fucking great. he is legit not great at all. hes not "the best". hes like.. pretty good. okay on a regular basis. but he has a very unique personality and self awareness that mirrors my own in some ways and seeing it play out as an outsider and learning to love this person has allowed me to gain more love for myself. he is weird as shit. hes so fucking weird. i will almost hope to never meet someone as weird as him again because i dont like the odds of humanity turning out someone so weird and not being harmful in some way. but he is confidently weird. and i feel like he might not even be weird at all - hes transparent. hes totally see thriugh and humans are closed off and private and secluded but he speaks free on everything. everything. i have not met a single person like him before and slowly in my own social life away from him ive gained confidence to just be me. like more me than ive been before in an open and honest way. like just speaking freely and backing up what i believe and allowing the world to just be around me. and as people just let me fjcking be - just let me exist as the shitty person i am, each day ive gotten better. ljke im talking sitting on a couch all day no shower not eating chain smoking to getting up and going out to see people and cleaning my house and showering and eating. he didnt do this for me at all but knowing him allowed me o be free enough to discover my own way. like im starting to feel like the bum ive been for a long time but more in like a wow im pretty fed up with myself even. like damnnn. maybe im starting to wake up. maybe the fucking drugs are working and im like well im good so fuck the drugs like all naive assholes. but i dont know. i guess well find out on this awesome rollercoaster of my life. but i feel like im starting to wake back into life. ljke i was dead already, ive been dead and life is moving aeound me and i am a poltergeist . he knew it all along. im just a ghost haunting him. im already dead. but im not really. i have the ability to resurrect and i think i should be grateful that i can. im close to not being able to but i can. so like.. i said it. i said it but not to him but to him and he would know. like i always remember how he freaked out and posted about his ex owing him money multiole times in a row on facebook. he felt super justified in it and never back tracked. and listen - this is already wrong. were on two wrongs. of course its stupid to post anything like that on facebook. but he felt free enough to do it and i want to enjoy that same freedom without worry as well. he kept and keeps repeating that certain things are a waste of his time. and thats suuuuuuper funny to me. like on a shitty i dont even give a fuck anymore level. you know whats a waste of time? A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT REASON. holy fuck. nine months of just... WHAT EVEN IS THIS. HELLO. fuck me, im just like a girl who goes around his place and watches him play video games and sleeps at his house and smokes his weed. thats it. im not even his girlfriend honestly. like that describes exactlt our relarionship because he does nothing for me on a regular basis. nothing at all. so i spend a large portion of my time with a guy who DOESNT EVEN GIVE A FUCK and you want to talk about a waste of fucking time? "its not even that serious of a thing" then you dont even know. you dont even know. but you wouldnt. thats what ill have to work on. he wouldnt know anything about this because i dont talk about it. i mean, if im asked, im bluntly honest about it but i dont talk about it to him or anyone. so he wouldnt think it wasnt "serious". its about texting. its about "spending time together" its about whatever but its about THIS POINTLESS ASS ASSOCIATION WITH HIM. who the fuck are you to my life? like i cant even say hes my friend. i cant say hes my boyfriend. i settled into "the guy im seeing". becahse i dont know how important he should be to give him a fucking name in my story. are you a main character or secondary? and if youre the latter why the fuck you enjoying the benefits of a main? but again - repetition. i cleared this blog out of the earliest entries and you know what? they were all "what the fuck is this". nine months of what the fuck is this. i guess im done being romantic and being like all dreamy about this rogue guy having a life with me. now im like weve been fucking for nine months and created nothing but awkward conversarion between each other. heres the thing. i knew i was desperate. i knew that i pressed hard on fuckboy becahse i was desperste to return to confort and stability of a relationship and living together. i knew that. ive been sooooo careful and sooo insecure about seeming that way again. this may have been one of the first adult ways i went about doing something and im just... NINE MONTHS. holy fuck dude. how casual is nine months. you shouldve left four to five months ago and were still fucking. like he doesnt know what i want in life. like he honest to god thinks im just chilling and living wjthout cause. my god. im fucking old. im sorry. ill be 37 and laugh at myself now but im comfortable with the fact at 27 i realized i wanted true love. i wanted familial love. i wanted a partner in life. more than sex, more than a convinience or simple comfort. more than money, more than drugs. im not looking for a reason to change but i would accept one if it gave me things that were of higher priority and emotionally rewarding to my being. like why should i stop smoking weed when its one of the few things i legitmatelt enjoy? why should i stop smoking at all? why should i work my ass off at a full time job to come home to mt cats? this relationship gives me no purpose. a close intimate relarionshio jn my life gives me no purpose, no reason to get up in the morning other than seeing their face. which is ljke seeing a poster on tbe wall or hearing your fav song. its like an empty enjoyment that fades pretty quick because it gives you nothing deep. i guess im sad that this is life. like im not going to put that on him. i did that with an ex already. like its his fault life has these turns and people chanve and do things and become things. its no ones fault its just a depressing fact everyone lives with. people just come and go and in the end itll be me on my couch typing on a broken phone and smoking weed with my cats. im not depressed. like not anymore than i would be. and whats crazy is i was sober and pissed and got high and continued to be just as pissed because i cant even smoke away the anxious uncertainty. its not about fucking texting. its not a waste of time, youve just made it a waste of time. i didnt go to a party that i was onvited to today. i had a ride too. but ljke.. i knew that id be focused on this and be distracted and burnt out and wnting to go home. i was already on the fence about it anyways. i knew there would be hard drugs there and people drinking and honestly, im better than that now. i really am. i can hang out with these people but i dont need to party with them. its really okay. they can do what they like at their parties and as long as im not putting myself into it, i dont have to care. so its okay. im playing on it more that i didnt go out of anger. its really for the best. i told him i would be coming to get my keys tomorrow in the morning. and like.. i want to. and maybe ill wake uo feeling totally different but in my tired stoned state at 2am i feele more like maybe i wont. like it is important to me. and now that ive made a big deal out of it, i probably should. but like.. thats not really my point. i sent him this... kind of sassy message that basically implied that he was careless for not trying to get my keys to me when hes acting like a jerk and that he wouldnt even know about any of my issues for wanting the keys because he doesnt even know what ive done this week besides fucking laundry at his house because he definitelt hasnt given a shit enough about me to ask at all. like how are you smothered by someone you dont really know about. like youre literally not involved in my life unless i tell you one tidbit of it. like i dont talk to him. ive completely huddled uo in myself now. and i kind of wanted to see if i was deljsional and kept track if he asked me about myself. he never did. NOT ONE TIME. like thats why im stuck on it. how can you feel so overwhelmed as if im literally just peckinf at you lkke an annoying bird or something and you dont see me, speak to me or know anythinf about me. ljke he acts as though im just sending him shit over and over and consrantlt barraging him and im not. at all. the onlt way i could would be by sending one word messages. so this is very delusional on his part and other people would have no problem receiving a message from me. but the keys. id rather just not show up. just remain quiet for the day. but i have no weed and nothing else to do so im not sure what else i would do. i dont even know if that means anything either. ljke oo give me my keys and then i dont even show up for them. who cares, he still gets what he wants. like fuck me lets just end this. its been ruined. it takes both of us to untangle this mess and hes not doing his part so its just ruined. in my head not going to get my keys is like, "oh wow how unlike her to not follow through with something like this i wonder why she didnt come and what shes doing instead" but like its probablt more, "lol dumb bitch cries about keys and doesnt even get them" but at like 9pm at night when he finally realizes i never got them. i legit dont think he cares. its a waste of my time to try and think like ~why is he doing this. i dont care. theres nothing ive done to deserve this and to have no fucking point to now arguing about the ability to hang out? fuck off. ive deserved more. like i deserved a reply to my request for keys. just like a "youre right you can get the keys x" even if im penaljzed for not getting them when i was doing laundry -fine. but lkke.. reply to my fucking message. im not asking some inane bullshit. im asking abiut shit i fucking own outright. i deserve a god damn response when he wastes my fucking time calling about shit HE OWNS in his own fjcking house. like my god. theyre fucking keys. appease me even. laugh at it and tell me theyre in your mailbox. like holy shit, its not even hard to be a dick about that and you sit on no response? its not even a malicious thing. ive explained it even to his mother that its safety now. and hes rrying to impede my fucking safety. like go be you. be you all damn day but you being you doesnt include me so give me back my fucking keys. no one is arguing the being you part. no one is impeding or invading the ability to be you. but being an asshole about it - choosing to ignore it, thats impeding me being me. and i can be me as much as you can be you and i guess im sorry these are rhe consequences. like i try to even think of a reason why hes avoided my mentions of it. like why? you know what i want. what reason do you need to hold on to keys you never even use? what do you think im doing? ljke.. is it ljke im trying to clean up before offing myself? do i have a secret lover im movinf in and need keys for? am i offending his sejbilities of being my care giver by telling him hes not doing a good job? like he was offended by the thought that me saying or being in a huff about him not driving me somewhere meant that he didnt do anything or was being a bad boyfriend. so is this like in his mind some big insult to him and hes not even going to respond to it. like its just soo ridiculous to him hes just going to ignore it? simple fucking quesrion. so fucking simple. but hours of waiting. hours and hours. its 3 now and i want to say ill still be mad but i probably wont be mad enoufb to walk to his house. i want to be. but i guess i just need some depression days rifht now. i am doing good. and im still doing good and feeling down about these things is okay.