#i cant even comprehend how this isn’t what people are talking about 24/7

[winterf4iryy]

[oldmyths]

godddd i know i’m talking so much and on one hand i feel really bad about it bc i hate . having feelings but on the other hand if i don’t talk about it i’ll probably die so here we go

this isnt like my #official review of detective pikachu bc like i did like it for what its worth but it just brought things to the surface and along with other stuff it just kind of. hit at an inopportune time

And then after nearly an hour of my sister and i driving around town looking for a gas station thats open with the doors to our house locked bc everyones gone and we don’t have keys on us only for my mom to reply and say she let my nephew in after i sent over a hundred messages bc (a) my mom and my other sister are always on their phone/have their phone nearby (b) when my sister kelly tried to call them nobody picked up (c) we were running out of gas and were at a part of the city we didn’t recognize at nearly 11pm when kelly has to be at work tomorrow at 7:45

So like needless to say i was a little stressed and upset with my mom (so was kelly bc of other things that i’m not too sure of the details on) AND THEN i read on twitter from this astrology account i follow that started tweeting about being raised by virgos when my moms a virgo and how their kids most likely struggle with empathy and comfort from a distance and cant handle other peoples emotions and like thats what i’ve been saying! the entire god damn time!!!

like i know astrology isnt Real Science whatever that fucking means and that zodiac signs arent personality types and yknow all that shit. but that’s literally what i’ve been saying. among other reasons, being raised by my mom alone in an isolated community made me extremely emotionally Fucked Up because she just didnt talk! about her feelings at all! and then she’d get mad at me for something and i never felt like her child i felt like someone she just bossed around and i know i can’t blame her being a fucking Virgo for that bc she was going through shit with my dad that she didnt deserve to go through along with other shit she had to worry about but i don’t remember a time where i was a kid and i felt her love for me. like i don’t know what that feels like. my mom cares about me i guess and sometimes i feel like she loves me but growing up feeling like your own mother doesn’t love you is really fucked up!!!!

that isnt to say shes a bad person entirely bc she had to go through shit i dont think i should post online along with growing up native on a reserve literally across the road from where she and her siblings had to go to a residential school and dealing with my dad. like. i get it. and its not like i, as a kid, could really comprehend the severity of all that but there isnt an excuse for treating your own fucking kid like an accessory, like a soldier that to listen to you or else youd take away the only thing that passed the time inside the house

and it was hard to listen to an ex-friend of mine say how much she loved virgos bc of this and i know Not All Virgos and im not saying every virgo is personally responsible for my shitty childhood but i just cant listen to someone praise without criticism. i feel like an asshole for saying that too and i know its a shitty thing to say bc if someone said Well I Was Raised By A Sagittarius And I Hate You i would feel pretty bad too. but im not saying i hate virgos. im not saying i hate my mom. despite all of this i love her so much and it hurts to admit that

i just idk please dont misinterpret this as me like idk cancelling virgos or whatever i dont mean for it to come across as that way either. idk if i know virgos personally its jsut really not a great time to be reminded about parent stuff right now

not only bc mothers day but like, watching a movie where the main character had a struggling relationship with their parent, for that parent to be the father, and then my mom not replying when it was Kind Of Really Important for her to respond when she could

and im not saying she should be available 24/7 either i know she has a life but she didn’t even message the GC to say where she was or that she locked the door. neither did my other sister. its just a lack of communication that makes me very upset and i dont like it, especially when my other sister isn’t sleeping at our house that often anymore And when my mom and her boyfriend sometimes don’t come back until 1am or something

im just really emotionally spent and exhausted and all of this parent shit stirred up Emotions that i try to keep under wraps bc i know all of this is irrational and that getting this upset about it is kinda stupid but idk how else to process it.

i dont remember my dads birthday so idk what sign he is but the movies whole theme of reconnecting with ur father figure is like...lol....no thanks... also ow.

sigh idk im sorry for this post i dont want my words to get misconstrued but i also dont know how else i can justify how i feel and im tired

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 8 Confessionals

This is long overdue but I've been busy because my brother got married woooo! Okay so FINALLY WE MERGED! Jordan and I survived the hell tribe and we made it here. We had to lose Jay which absolutely sucks, I feel terrible for voting him out but I did what I think was the right thing. The biggest piece of news is that I was literally on the merge tribe for like 10 minutes and ended up FINDING THE IMMUNITY IDOL!! I WAS SO SHOCKED I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!! I haven't told anybody about it but I might....MIGHT....tell Jordan about it to show that I do trust him after wavering so much on my decision about potentially voting him out. We have an auction coming up, I hope I get something really cool from it! Bryce told me that he was the one that gave me the idol but Zach told me that he was the one that pushed for him to give it to me so I'm thankful to the both of them for that. I think I could get good with Carson, Zach, Bryce and Charlotte. Katie and I have bonded over our love of true crime, she's super nice and her connection to Jordan Pines is incredibly strong so we can do this. I believe that Copa isn't dead just yet. 

finally got into an alliance with charlotte and chris

i bid well at the auction and got a nifty apple that lets me sit out for a round #blessed

Finding out someone I want to work with is an Amy Schumer fan.... maybe shouldn't work with them :/. Jk!! But am I even DKSFJSD

zack just sent me this message "and im in kuang si (it’s a main season, if you know what those are) asdjfk" I dont know how to respond to that

Merge sweet merge! Okay so I'm officiallly in an alliance with Katie and Charlotte. We're the Senior Citizens. Katie is playing up to Jordan that she doesn't have any allies in hopes of him telling her any potential people from Ulta who might flip. Meanwhile I have to PUBLICLY pick 3 people to go to the wishing well with me. Obviously taking the Senior Citizens, but I then decided on Bryce because he was the only person not mention by Jordan as someone he thinks he's working with. Immunity just happened and as of right now I feel content with my score but some people are insane and will destroy me. I really hope I win because I feel like I'll get cut as soon as the opportunity arises.

me two days ago: I should probably try to be less hostile towards JP. me today: DISADVANTAGE GOES TO JP. i'd say i'm sorry but that would be a lie.

am i up to date on confessionals 

hope i dont go home probably should have used my advantage 

We merged!!! and im stressed as hell. i have NO idea what im doing. chris won this wishing well thing in the auction and took katie, charlotte, and bryce. so it set off alarms to me and zach so we're working on the me/willow/zach thing we were planning on before, we just have mroe of a reason now. the plan is: vote jordan pines this first round (even though hes trying to talk strategy with me and if eel bad bc i told charlotte to use the disadvantage on him) recruit luke and katie and vote chris out at final 8 and thats our plan so far bc... its hard to plan things in survivor! yeah i have no idea i hate the merge especialyl when i know where NO ONE sits

Whose got two thumbs and flopped at immunity? THIS GUY. But it's all good. We have two clear outsiders in the form of luke and Jordan. I feel bad because I genuinely like luke. I'm hoping we can get rid of Jordan and then I can swoop up precious baby luke to use him to get some of the ulta's I'm not close with out. For now, me, Katie, Carson, and charlotte are going for Jordan unless something drastic happens. 

I'm tired and I've been essentially goating myself this game yikes 

So at this point, it's the morning of the first merge tribal. Exciting? Yes! Nerve-wracking? Yes! Willow won immunity. I lowkey was going to force a tie because I know any intellectual could get 5 at most (Willow's smart, so I just expected it) then her comp adv. of -2 would ensure her a win since 3 is theoretically impossible. SHE GOT TWO! Good on her though! I overall chose not to snatch her score because I felt really bad, and it was with someone whom I potentially was going to work it or would work with. Speaking of, Willow, Carson and I formed a trio alliance. We both comprehend that the two Copa need to go soon. I think it'll be Jordan Pines this vote. However, a) I don't want Luke to go JUST yet, as we can utilize him, and b) the votes might flip and ADIOS me! I also have worrying speculation of an alliance including the newbies. This is purely because of whom Chris decided to take on his little... trip to the wishing well. It's just a little suspicious, considering Carson admitted to me he talks to Chris relatively every other day, so it was shocking. Nonetheless, it's a game decision, doesn't matter much.. My game plan from this point forward is to just try to be fairly more social. I've been talking to Chris and Katie a lil more. I'm on relatively good terms with Luke. Carson and I are best buddies. Willow is a LEGEND! - then we have Bryce, a king who I don't talk to much but is iconic. Charlotte, a literal icon. Jordan Pines! (that name along speaks for itself). It's going, I guess. We'll see ^-^

So I finally found the wishing well thing and I completed my task yay!! I can now see who votes who for one tribal but idk when im gonna use it tbh. I think I'll tell carson about it b/c hes my number 1. But for this vote i'm hoping itll be easy and be one of jordan/luke just gotta talk to the other ulta people.

Okay so I think its just gonna be the easy vote of Jordan? Hope its not too easy and im not too complacent

Here's the thing. Anyone who has ever played with me before, or knows me, knows that I pretty much play the same game. I stick with my alliance and only turn on them when I need to ... I'm not one for cannibalizing the alliance too early. But ... I'm bored. Everyone's quiet, no one's exciting me, and I really just want to watch the world burn. Do I like Jordan? Eh. Will he make the season more exciting? Absolutely. If I can convince Katie and Carson, or maybe Zach, to vote for Jordan ... the game will flip upside down.  I'm here for a little Chaos. 

is Jordan gonna die tonight? the answer probs wont surprise you as YES. AHHHHH. IM GOING HOME FUCK FUCK FUCK ME, FUCK YOU RYAN TEDDY PALMER. I am trying to save myself but i may be all out of lives.

I'm watching Shookstralian Survivor and writing a confessional, I hear this episode is iconic so I'm preparing! Michelle is winning btw! Okay so back to Cordillera Blanca...I didn't win immunity...Jordan didn't win immunity which means that both of us are vulnerable at tribal and one of us could potentially be going home tonight which is worst case scenario. As of now I think the votes are going to Jordan and I would be open to playing my idol on him but I would need to be 100% certain that I'm not getting votes because I DO NOT want to idol myself out. If I lose Jordan this round I do still have my Golden Monkey Idol to fall back on at the next tribal council so hopefully that work out in my favour. Right now Jordan and I are trying to pull in Charlotte, Katie and Zach to make a majority of 5 so that we can take over this tribe. Stay tuned...;) 

Did Jordan just save himself? MAYBE?????? If all goes according to plan,  me zach luke, charlotte and carson will vote for chris and blindside him 5-4. So #letsnotkilljordanpines

Omg so I have a randomized vote this round which really sucks but I sent in a fake vote so if people ask I can hopefully trick them also I'm shook I won immunity with4 guesses

So... charlotte wants to flip and zach does too which.. i gues?? djksd we with jordan andl uke.. a VERY tight duo pretty much, and its gonna be hard to break that, so we cant let them get far. but getting chris out right now?? idk if its right. im still a bit bitter over him not taking me to the wishing well [3:59:22 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 [4:00:34 PM] carson: (y) if i hear anything i tell u but just know I'm down with u lukle charlotte and zach [4:00:46 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 also jordan sent the same message to me twice which.. kinda shady but like i hope its not anything bad?? if he rats us out i dont think im the biggest target but like.. ya never know in this game. also idk if my social game is good bad or whatever, buti m hoping its good and it can propel me to a victory?? zach keeps saying hes my lapdog andj ust.. uh i dont want that i want to be equal allies. whatevs?? idk. also willow's vote is apparently randomized from what zach said and charrlote found where the iodl was hidden but it waas found so someone else has it... so idk. IDK i feel like flipping on the entire tribe and doing 5-4 the first vote is soooo risky. im thinking that me/zach can tell willow we're voting chris even though her vote is randomzied so she cant rlly do anything?? she doesnt talk  a lot of strategy because she takes awhile to respond but she's cool and id definitely say i trust her more than most people here. like bryce, i cant read him or chris. katie's cool but i feel like shes a bit fake to me like saying how much she trusts me when we dont talk that much?? and charlotte/jordan/luke just give weird vibes idk. only person i trust 100% is zach ig uess because we talk 24/7 and hes cool. hope this vote can go as planned, and im still kinda having cold feet, but like... i dont wanna lose jury votes so i either commit or go home.

hi can i have an episode title i came up with someone very clever here it goes: Why are all my tribe mates children like hey whats up welcome to lord of the fucking flies.

So this vote for the longest time was going to be Jordan. I was going to stick with it, but knowing me, I don't like boring games and it'd be predictable to do that. Charlotte came to me about voting out Chris. Not that directly, I guess, but mentioned flipping. I was down for it, but I wanted to talk to Carson. LUCKILY, she wanted to include Carson to, so we made an alliance ^-^ I believe right now the vote is sailing for Chris. I feel bad but it's the game, and you gotta do what you gotta do. No hard feelings. The game is tough. WHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS ALL THE TIME ARGHGH