#i cant distinguish rational caution/anticipation/realism from irrational anxiety/catastrophisation/pessimism when im like this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

phagodyke · 1 year ago

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i feel like every decision i have to make atm is rock and a hard place devil and the deep blue sea and i cant fucking deal with it i can feel the wires fusing + cogs screeching to a halt. total mental shutdown

#it makes me feel so physically ill. someone needs to eradicate my free will and make all decisions for me. i need a sdg style ai #i know why i have such trouble with these types of situation like it makes sense where it comes from. but i dont know how to fix it #so it just eats away my fucking brain. worm in the apple innit #i cant distinguish rational caution/anticipation/realism from irrational anxiety/catastrophisation/pessimism when im like this #which means that fear overrules everything and i end up in a state of paralysis where i cant identify or follow through with what i Want #and usually things end up 'resolved' by nonaction. which 9 times out of 10 is the worst case scenario lmfao #calling my friend tomorrow so i can get a rational impartial take. if that doesnt help well lets not think about that right yet #i wish i wasnt so incapable of asking for emotional support like what i really need rn to cry rly snottily at someone for 4 hours #until they understand and can help me fix it. or at least believably reframe it as a positive choice not the 'least-worst-case' idk #but lmfao i physically cant express emotion like that around other people voluntarily unless im backed into a corner by them #so the most i can ask for is like. a more clinical type of help. unbiased situational advice. running the numbers. task-based favours #its not even that big a deal like its not inconsequential but it really doesnt have to be like this my brain is just fucking broken #idk i just dont fucking know!! i cant think abt this any more or my head will probably fucking explode. im going to go shower again #ignore this im venting its fine. its fine. or it will be eventually or maybe it wont who even fucking cares by this point. bye #.vent #nvm not done yet #i hate being like this so much i hate how unpredictable my mental state is i was feeling so calm abt it earlier everything was clear #and literally nothing has changed abt anything it doesnt make any fucking sense why i feel like this nothing triggered it #how am i supposed to live the rest of my life this way. knowing i make drastically different choices + think radically differently-#depending on what. fucking emotional whim? a butterfly flapping its wings. do i even have any sense of self or personality outside of-#just how i happen to feel in the moment. who knows not me thats for sure! its almost fucking impressive how fast shit flips #anyone else up knowing something unknowable is terribly wrong with them + living alongside that constant horror #ok thats enough gunk out of my head im done for now ugh. gonna go shower for real. sorry if anyone sees this lmao

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