#i cant decide where to eat so ive been staring at a wall for 20 minutes

[geometricalien]

Bad news folks, my favorite day of the year (today) is lining up with the days before my period where i hate everything about myself!!

[wordsbymareehasoomro]

Pages 1-7

 Before I could say goodbye, the train started rolling, I craned my neck to see him and I looked at him till he faded. I didn’t even say goodbye. He didn’t say it either, we departed like we were gonna meet the next day.

I knew he won’t show the pain. I knew he could smile and laugh even when he would be burning and exploding from the inside. That was the way God made him and that was how God gave this crinkly eyed monster to me. I was not supposed to change him but I do believe God should have sent a warning label along with him.

8th November 2007; when I first got to know Adrian, he was not the person you would want to be with. He was emotionally detached and carefree. Very charming. And awkward. Gentlemani-sh but would ignore you like you died. He was that guy who seemed mysterious because he was distant sometimes. I tried to dig into him all day long trying to make him say things that tell me about his life but somehow he would keep telling me that he has no plans of actual commitment. The highest level of compliment you would get from him would be ‘’cute’’ yes im not even kidding. Apparently hot was not a term he would use for you, in a million years. Like, I said a gentleman but forced into a fuckboy. I had a slight clue that there is a full-time gentleman hidden inside him and I literally burned my ego into ashes to know that full time gentleman out of this fuckboy.

Strange but yes, we met through his ex. He had a lot of exes apparently. Not new to me, I’ve had all kinds of species in my relationship history as well. Everyone had earlier mentioned this guy to me as a ‘’fuckboy’’ of course. I still don’t know how was I described to him but im sure in bad words. We both were bad in our own comforting ways. I saw a glimpse of him at a party, I had no second thoughts. Yes, I found him cute. Why? Because he almost fit my ‘’good looking characteristics in a guy’’ list and it was as follows

1.    Hooded, crinkly eyes, deep as hell

2.    Lips small but not too small. Big but not too big. Smaller than mine, big lips makes it feminine for me on a guy

3.    Hairy but not too hairy, should have dark deep eyebrows

4.    Should know how to make his hair. Not too boyish and not too uncle type. Just in the middle of it

5.    Should make a great couple with me

6.    Height bigger than me

7.    No teeth problems otherwise disqualified

8.    Shoe sense

  ‘’What are you looking at? He’s a Jewish and he is with every other girl in the world’’ my friend said to me in a sarcastic tone. I acted like I wasn’t looking at him ‘’I was looking at his ex, she’s pretty but desperately needs to get her teeth fixed’’ and we both laughed it off but deep inside, both of us knew I was gonna send him a friend request as soon as I go back home.

I was acquaintances with his ex so I search him up and he’s right there. ‘’Wow so now he has a dimple too? It was not even in my list!’’ That was a shocker. Quite strange but I had never been with a guy who had a cute little dimple and this one had it. Fucked me up. Added him instantly and he accepted ‘’instantly’’ because of course he was thinking of me as just another target and what was I thinking? Probably ‘’he’s a cute guy’’ just that. I didn’t wanna flirt with him, I didn’t wanna date him, I obviously at that point of time couldn’t think about marrying him because of the religious differences so what was I getting?

I don’t know.

I wish I was that sorted out in life. So now he adds me back and we kind of have this really serious conversation about things…which make me feel like he’s way too serious for me.

BUT YES, I would like to mention he started the conversation.

Adrian- Can you please introduce yourself?

Me- (being as awkward as I can be) How do you introduce? Hahahahahaha

Adrian- I’m a 21 year old living in Canada

Me- Okay can I introduce myself now? Im a 20 year old obsessed with batman and I wanna have a pet monkey so yes tell me more about yourself

Adrian- Damn and you ask me how do you introduce?

Me- Am I good at this shit? Duh Im good at everything

(And there, I said it)

No but on a serious note,  nice abs (after looking at a photo of his abs on his profile of course)

Adrian- typing…

Me thinking okay now he thinks im desperate as fuck and a slutty hoe

Adrian- Thanks but I don’t like my abs im going to workout more in the future

Me (not knowing shit about gyming and abs and workouts)

– but whyyyyy?

Adrian- Just like that

And you’re obsessed with batman? I am batman

(Wait what? Don’t tell me he likes batman too? This is gonna be interesting)

Me – If you don’t mind I would like to confess that I AM BATMAN sorry

Adrian- You can be batwoman for sure

Me – Batman with tits so mind your own business, I can be whatever I want to be

Adrian- Wow that’s pretty interesting batman with tits wow..

Me- yes very interesting, thankyou

(By now, He would have known this girl is mentally unstable)

Adrian- It’s good to be yourself

(He was still acting very gentleman-ish I have to tell you)

Me- you love me already

Adrian- Can you stop day dreaming?

(Ouch…)

Me- I can stop, yes.

Adrian- So I came back to study here after the party where I saw you, I come back to your city after every 3 months for a month or two

Me- Oh, I see

(Now, honestly I was like lets get out of this conversation its pretty dry)

Adrian- This is such a fucked up place, after a while you have nothing to do here

 And then I ignore the message. For three days. Yes three days. Because Im thinking this guy is pretty cute but too serious to talk to

And then in about a week, I am randomly going through my last conversations with people in the past few weeks, and I see his profile picture pop up and im thinking lets try again, maybe he’s not that serious, maybe he will send me memes, maybe he has a crazy side.

‘’Hey there’’ I send it to him

No reply.

A day passed away, No reply.

2 days pass away, no reply.

NEVER IN MY HISTORY OF HOOKUPS, IVE HAD A GUY WHO IGNORED MY MESSAGE FOR 2 DAYS.

My ego is burning.

3 days no reply.

My ego is about to burst into flames

And I get a reply finally, we exchange numbers

And then he wants to call me. Im thinking ‘’No, what if he’s a kidnapper, a rapist, a weird drunk fuckboy who wants to talk dirty to me, he wants to talk after 12am, he obviously wants to talk dirty im not talking to this random ass’’ I decline the offer. I make up an excuse and we don’t talk on call that night. The next night, he makes the offer again and I remember how he ignored me for 3 days when I didnt reply back for sometime and I don’t decline the offer. Why was I scared of not getting attention from this stranger who is too serious for me? I don’t know.

God knew better. God knew what he was upto. God knew why this stranger was creeping into my life like that.

He calls me. I’m so nervous. He sounds familiar. He sounds like someone I know but Im pretty sure I don’t know him. He begans talking like a gentleman and holy shit, in a minute or two this man starts making me laugh my ass off with his jokes. His horrible, lame yet funny as hell jokes and Im laughing, im laughing all night long. He’s telling me about himself, im telling him about myself, we both tell each other things that should take a longer time to be unveiled but we don’t take the long route, we spill it out. I tell him things that I would never tell a stranger, I tell him about family. He tells me about his family. We both talk about our little siblings. He gets serious for a while and then starts trolling me again and the laughter session continues. I stare at my wall clock, It’s 9 fucking am in the morning. No exaggeration. ‘’It’s 9 am’’ I said ‘’It’s 9 am’’ he grinned. And then we both laugh for no reason and we end the call in a few minutes. I don’t know about Adrian but I had a huge smile on my face before going to sleep, that night. And I had not smiled like that in a long.. long time and just so you know, im smiling even right now as im typing this because it reminds me of that exact moment I decided to sleep with him in my head, trying as hard as I can to insert him in my mind, thinking about the possibilities, I was crazy enough to fall for a guy after a call? ‘’No. No you cant’’ but no one knows me more than my dear heart ‘’Yes you can’’ it whispered to me.

The next day, I send a good morning text to him, You know the shit is about to blow up when you send a good morning to someone. He was my first thought in the morning.

We talk. All day almost. And the night? We call each other again like its routine. More secrets. More laughter. More knowing, less thinking about future.

I come to this conclusion in a few days that I don’t know shit about love but I like this guy. He is hard to read. I would call him an ‘’emotionless encyclopedia’’ who knew everything in the world but was emotionally detached to humans. I somehow felt there was a soft side to him but at that point of time, he was into his friends, both male and female he would skype with them all day long and I couldn’t figure him out properly.

But yes, I felt like it was clumsy between us. I couldn’t properly flirt with him because he wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t talk dirty because he didn’t dig the dirty. I couldn’t get the sort of attention I wanted from this guy and it was turning me off , and one day out of my desperation of trying to get attention from im, I asked him out in the most childish way you can ever expect. The girl asks out the boy in between a normal conversation. We are talking generally about hookups and im like ‘’Wanna hookup?’’ he doesn’t type for a while and then he says ‘’Hookup? Like a relationship?’’ I say ‘’Yes?’’ he says ‘’Okay’’ and it began.

It began like the most simplest thing in the world but it began to eat us like a monster, it began as a sunset so calm after a long day. firey yet calming, it’s simple, it’s constant, but it grows to be that rush of adrenaline when you beat the odds, you feel on top of the world. You are powerful, and each glimpse of him you get, leaves you gasping for more, he is a breath of freedom in a sea of trouble. He begans to be my strength and my luck and my happiness and he ends up being my weakness, my love and my reason to be alive.

Who knew?

We make it official like its some kind of a serious relationship and we both knew It wasn’t. we knew it was gonna end in a few months or weeks or days, I just wanted attention from the guy who was emotionless, he just wanted to pass his time with someone who was 24/7 available to be his muse. We both were fucked up.

In a few weeks, we infact I realized he was not my type. Not at all. I was mistaken. I was into the sense of humor. There was nothing else he could give me. He could not praise me for anything, he could not compliment me no matter how hard I tried to look pretty in front of him,  never showed me that I meant something. We had long distance which obviously meant we never faced each other so it was harder. He once told me im not hot in any possible way and one day I ask him what is hot for you and he shows me a girl from his college and it humiliated me in the worst possible way when I receive a picture of that girl. I forget bullshit easily but this bullshit, I wish I could get rid of. He would sometimes prioritize his friends in front of me, he would tell me he’s sleeping but he would be talking to his friends, I used to feel like shit. I had never felt like that in my past relationships. I felt like I needed to be prettier, I felt ugly, I felt insecure, I felt like there was something more entertaining about his friends that I had to copy. We both would never agree upon the same ideas about life, we started having different views about things and the worst of all, after making me feel like shit, he would always be emotionless and laugh at me for being sad about it. He never used to get jealous even if I would go out with a million boys who looked good, he never used to question me and it started pissing me off to such an extent that I finally told him, ‘’I cant do this, you are emotionless’’

‘’But I was like this from the start’’ he says

‘’ I don’t know, All I know is I feel like shit when im talking to you. I feel like comparing myself to all these girls you talk to or you show me because I genuinely feel there is something wrong with me. I try to look good, I try to send you pictures of myself looking good but I cant beg for a compliment, I have never felt so degraded in my life, Adrian’’ I mumbled in my crying voice

‘’You tell me you’re sleeping and I see you online talking to a friend, I don’t care about the gender, its about the priorities and the lies, at least treat me like a girl friend when you’ve agreed upon a relationship’’ I continued

And then there was a long silence on that call. For the first time, this emotionless encyclopedia Adrian did not laugh about it. He apologized for it. And then we both agreed upon the fact that we are both too different and I told him I need to be fed with attention if im with someone and you’re a detached person, you don’t believe in feelings and all

‘’Listen’’ he said

‘’I fell In love once,

I gave everything to that relationship. I gave honestly, I gave loyalty, I trusted that girl and I trusted the fact that she is going to trust me back. I loved her like I wouldn’t love anyone in the world because she was the most innocent and the prettiest soul I had ever known but you know what she did? She trusted someone else who told her lies. She believed the lies and she called me a cheater. Imagine being called a cheater when you’re loyal to the one you lovel’’

I was silent. He was telling his side of the story for the first time. He was being serious for the first time. I didn’t say a word.

He continued ‘’ I tried to explain, but she didn’t. I was so heartbroken that I decided I would never have a serious relationship ever again. I would never fall in love with someone ever again, I would never trust a girl ever again, I used to take my frustration out in the gym, I ended up having muscles and packs and I would upload shirtless pictures of myself just to give myself some peace of mind, In anger and frustration, I showed her I could do what she blamed me for doing and I dated the same girl she blamed me for flirting with. Of course it didn’t work out because I never liked her in the first place but I wanted to destroy myself, I used to drink, I used to smoke, I fucked myself up completely until I moved on and ever since that, I have been in useless relationships with strange girls I don’t know completely but im cool with it because girls are not meant to be trusted. I do respect them, I don’t mess up with their respect and I don’t trust a girl when she tells me she is going to stay because these are all lies’’

I heard it all and now I knew 1/100 of Adrian’s life and I could never in a million years guess that this guy would be heartbroken by a girl.

We still ended the relationship over call because I had nothing to say, All I heard was this guy could never love anyone again and I felt defeated. I felt like ‘’What did she have that I don’t?’’

Yes I did stalk her after the call, and she was below average. Can you believe it that Im rating his ex’s looks after the sentimental story? I have to rate her because I expected the love of his life to be a gorgeous girl with the kind of hot looks he used of show me pictures of. One thing pretty clear was that this emotionless guy did not give a fuck about looks too much. He was not into choosing girls based on their appearance, He fell in love with someone so average. That kind of made me fall for him more even though I didn’t want to anymore because we broke up.

I had made my dear heart understand that stop trying to make him fall for you because he has done that already and he failed miserably. He doesn’t wanna try again clearly so lets just leave him alone.

But my dear heart didn’t understand shit

We don’t text for several days, It was our second month knowing each other and I get an apology.

‘’Im sorry for being like that’’ he says

‘’Im sorry for asking you for attention all the time’’ I replied

And it was kind of a patch up again.

And we are doing this lifeless relationship again, why?

God knew better and you will know later on, why I keep saying this again and again.

[omegacunt-blog]

my view of time with the love of my life.

im sad i hate my home im moving to christchurch i know it will hurt my girl but its best for me and we have been distant already as it is "babe we need to talk" yes we do im leaving you and moving to christchurch im sorry but its best for me right now "i cheated on you when do you want your things" i knew then that i wasnt going to love again fuck that i packed my shit only 1 bag and got the next flight to christchurch i met my father at the airport and went back to his place we got a pack of smokes and went for a walk into the cbd because i told him i like walking we walked for hours talking about how we have been and what we do for fun we get to a giant arch thing and he see's one of his friends so i sit down and start scrolling instagram i was posting angry shit about my ex cheating on me blah blah and i figured i need new friends so i start following people and i come across this one page of this chick with red hair "wow she is really hot no way id have a chance with her ill try it anyway" we ended up going home and i stalked her instagram all night because i couldnt sleep she was really cute holy hell 3 days past and i was talking to the girls i had things with and i started to feel un satisfyed i got nudes every day from like 6 people how could i not be satisfyed i finally get some balls and message her but what do i say i said the most amazingly horrible opener "do you like memes" oh god ive fucked it im really weird somehow it worked we are talking now i dont remember what we said exactly but all i remember is getting her number right away and telling her we are in an extremely open no ties relationship which somehow worked it was really weird we started talking about neither of us ever liking each other we talked about how much we liked drinking we talked about our music i loved talking to her i soon found myself spending all day and night talking to her and thinking about her and finding myself at burgerking using the wifi just so i could keep talking to her i drank alot and i eventually ended up cutting my girls off without knowing i cant say i missed them because it would be a lie she was all i thought about it soon came time to meet her and i remember drinking a whole bottle of jagermeister and smoking a bit to get some confidence wow she is beautiful in person i wanna get close to her i want to talk to her all night i tried showing off to impress her like a 9 year old kid with a crush im writing this now with that same crush we were walking back to her house and i was still showing off i ended up getting arrested so i fucked with the cops for a bit before i got put in cuffs and taken home i put my foot out the car door and they both spent 20 minutes trying to put it in the car i almost told them i was carrying a knife i talked about her the whole way home and as soon as i got home i walked an hour to her house where she made me sit on the lawn because she didnt trust me it was okay i was fine with just being there she came and sat next to me and she asked me if i liked being scratched and she started scratching my left arm it kinda hurt but i liked it because she was doing it **it also why i burn the skin off my left arm** her friend started running around with a shopping cart and she kissed me on the cheek it was the first time ive been kissed on the cheek and it felt amazing i dont know why i just stared at her and said "oh" i was speechless and then we went inside and sat for a couple hours before i left and she told me to hug her so i did and i left feeling extremely happy i walked an hour in the wrong direction and then eventually got home i fell asleep right away thinking about her we continued to hang out for another 2 weeks and then she came around to my place and we drank and smoked cigarettes with her friend zion and we ended up cuddling for a couple hours before she left i hated it when she left 3 days later i watched her be with another guy it ripped me apart everytime i seen them kiss i hated the fact that she even sat close to him i was extremely jealous i think its easy to say jealousy is my biggest weakness it eats me alive its caused many of my scars and its the reason behind my anxiety and trust issues that day was the day we started going down hill i told her i loved her and i had feelings for her and she returned them i asked her out and she turned me down it really hurt and it took her 2 days for an explanation "i want to be with you and i will soon i promise just wait" and thats what i did i waited and watched her be with another it really hurt me that she could say all these things to me and then turn around and do things with another guy it should be me if she doesnt like him why is she doing this with him and not me i want it i deserve it she ends up getting high and she turned into a different person she told me to come see her so i walked an hour and a half and all i got when i got there was "dude just leave me alone im to high for this i dont want to see you" i told her i was done i cant love her if she doesnt love me oh but she says she does but where is the actual love? i dont feel it all i feel is disgust **thats why i dont like her smoking weed** i walked an hour and a half home after not seeing her and being told to leave her alone i was angry so i shut myself off for 2 days and when i finally texted her back i went over to her house i didnt know that would be the last time id see her she was upset and she sat on her chair in silence so i sat on the floor and we were silent for a while before she came and hugged me i hate myself for not hugging her back she was hurt and i knew it but all i could think about was how angry what she said made me i was closed off we said nothing the whole time untill i got uo and said goodbye and jumped out her window i didnt even look at her as i left i hated it after that day everything is black all i did was drink my pain away eventually she decided it was time to cut me off "its best for you" she said i felt hurt i felt betrayed i was angry not at her but at myself if i had of done things differently it wouldve been better we wouldve worked i tried for weeks to get her back but failed every time i ended up having drinks with her friend i met at sparks in the park which was another time that i hated but loved i was with her i loved it but she kissed a guy infront of me i hated that **i didnt know he was gay at the time** and she ignored me most of the night unless she wanted me to stand behind her so she felt hidden and then she ditched me anyway back to the drinks i remember aysia telling me to invite pagan and i didnt have the courage to tell aysia i ruined everything with her so i just said "nah she is probably busy she wont wanna come here" from then onwards for the next 3 months was also black it was a spiral of alcohol and bad decisions my life was fucked up and all i wanted was for her to text me saying she still loved me i moved into a new house in pegasus and i noticed she unblocked me i messaged her and she said "leave me alone i dont want to talk to you im tryna hold it down for a nigga" and then she blocked me that really fucking hurt i started burning myself for the first time and drank every day there was alot of parties i had alot of alcohol drank but not once was i able to move on or forget about her i got home from driving one night and i had a text from her i nearly died from excitement she is finally back my life is finally happy again "well heres hoping we never meet huh? -your not so friendly demon (aka the guy who doesnt think with his dick and is with pagan and wants to make you choke on your teeth" that was the most painful text i ever got in my life not only did i get proof she had moved on but he wanted to hurt me for some reason did she say i hurt her? did she talk shit about me? i hated it i blocked her number and punched a hole in my wall the drinking continued the pain got worse untill months later she messaged me on instagram apologising for everything i was hesitant to let her back into my life i had to think about it she broke me many times already am i willing to go through everything again i never stopped loving her we talked about how our lives were things were good it took 1 hour for me to get hurt again when i found out she was still with **my not so friendly demon** i hated that and i hated seeing photos of them together and him talking shit to me and seeing them love each other and hearing her talking about doing things to him i was jealous notice a patern? something happened and she left him and i asked her out she was finally going to be mine she said yes im so happy everything is amazing this is why i love her i love her for the good times and i still love her through the bad i remember sharing a tiny bed i hated it i was embarrassed but she put up with it for me i remember first having sex with her ill never forget how uncomfortable it made her she hated sex but she tried it with me the first 2 times we had sex i didnt cum but i made sure she did i didnt care if i got no pleasure as long as she did i was happy i loved cuddling with her drinking with her smoking with her i loved listening to music with her talking to her everything she loved my niece and that meant alot to me ive never been happier in my life and she gave that to me i cant thank her enough i remember how it felt to cuddle her how it felt when we had sex it was amazing she was the best fuck ive ever had and i couldnt get enough i wouldnt to fuck her all the time i wanted to cuddle constantly i wanted to see her laugh every day i wanted to listen to her talk for hours i never wanted anything to end but it had to a piece of me died everytime she left my house i remember our first argument it was about me talking about the past i miss everything the kisses hugs sex the cuddling the waking up in the morning and seeing her face and hearing her say i love you as the first thing we went for a walk one day to the beach after having sex and we just walked and held hands for hours untill we went home that was my happiest day on earth and id rather keep the things about that day to myself for a future story im not going to go into detail about our final days but we eventually ended it i cried for hours i hated myself how could i do that to her why did i do that to her she came around one last time and i wanted to break down and cry and beg for her back but i had to pretend to be strong we shared a cigarette she cried we hugged kissed and she left the final goodbye will replay in my head forever i cried and yelled for 2 days straight and i found out that she had already moved on it felt like she had ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it spat on it and burnt it im sure she fucking hated me she fucked another guy so soon i fucking hated it i burnt every inch of my arm i even tried cutting myself but burns hurt more she likes this guy and its just lhbarflerbkjbSFEkSJ fuck this fuck everything i cant fucking finish this anyway this is the fucking story about me and the love of my life the one and only girl of my dreams the girl who i still to this second love with all i have left of my heart through thick and thin good and bad i still love you forever and always will -shane xx