#i cant belIEVE im writing pjo fanfic againnn

[theparkertingle]

Something Bitter

Percy's not as oblivious as everyone thinks he is.

Or an examination into Nico and Percy's relationship through PJO and HoO (ao3)

The thought first crosses Percy’s mind when he invites Nico in for birthday cake on his fifteenth birthday. He recognizes the look that Nico gives him, but it’s gone within seconds and Percy thinks he must of imagined it, hopes that he has, because Nico deserves better and Percy’s pretty sure he’s already let Nico down enough. The guilt gnaws at him and it’s a bit like Calypso all over again.

He pushes it down just like he did with her. The Titan War (and Annabeth) serve as a good distraction, but it’s hard to ignore when he bathes in the River Styx and Nico’s hopeful eyes about finding information about his mother, about helping Percy are so focused on him. Some part of him almost wishes he noticed it earlier, so he could’ve pulled away, not put through Nico through this. The other part wishes he never noticed at all.  

Because Percy understands, he really does.

There’s a bitter taste in his mouth.

He doesn’t want to become Nico’s Luke.

But he doesn’t know if he can prevent it anymore, if he even has the right to. He wants to direct Nico’s eyes to someone better, someone like Will, who, he’s noticed, sneaks glances at Nico during campfires before looking away, blushing slightly, someone who could return Nico’s feelings. He wants Nico to talk to him about it, so Nico could move past whatever feelings he has for Percy instead of suffering on his own, but there’s nothing really Percy can do. He hates feeling this useless, hates constantly letting people down. The bitter taste doesn’t go away; he doesn’t know if it ever will. Some hero he is.

Annabeth confides in him a couple weeks after the war, after Nico’s finally accepted that he has a place in Camp Halfblood (and Percy prays that he’s learned to accept himself too), that she’s worried Nico might have a crush on her, that she’s caught him a couple of times staring at her and Percy with something akin to jealousy and hurt.  

For a brief second, he wants to tell her the truth, that she has it backwards, but it’s not his place to out Nico, especially when Percy’s not sure Nico’s accepted it himself. So, instead, he frowns at Annabeth, pretends to be oblivious, because that’s how people see him anyway, and tells her that they can try to be more private with their relationship until Nico has moved on or made peace with it.

He spends the next couple months at camp trying to subtly let Nico know that he’s accepted regardless of his orientation, at least by Percy, tells Nico about how he would go to the Pride Parade in New York with his mom every year, about how some other campers had recently come out to Percy, about how Apollo tried to hit on him right after the war ended and if he wasn’t in love with Annabeth, maybe he would’ve have flirted back. The last one gets a reaction out of Nico, who’s staring at Percy like he’s grown another head. Percy just laughs and ruffles his hair.

What he doesn’t tell Nico about is how Luke made him feel when he first came to camp. He doesn’t tell anyone about that, not even Annabeth nor his mother. That wound is too fresh, too real and the real reason he understands exactly how Nico feels.

It’s a month or two later that he disappears, wakes up with no memory of anything, except the name Annabeth, in a place that seems skew, not wrong, but not right either.  He meets Nico where he ends up, doesn’t remember a thing about him, but still feels the intensity of Nico’s stare. He wonders if he should ask Nico about Annabeth, if he’s seen her around this camp, but something instead his head screams at him not to and he doesn’t understand why because he doesn’t even know this kid.

Getting his memory back is a whole lot like being force fed every single terrible thing he’s ever done in his life and remembering Nico (and Bianca and Zoe and Charlie and Silena and Luke and....) were the worst of it. Percy finds out Nico’s gone, dreams it, Nico stuck in a jar, barely surviving and he can’t sleep for the next few days. It’s the Labyrinth all over again and no one on the ship seems to even care that much except for Hazel.

It’s only when Nico’s safe, when he sees him later in Piper’s arms, that Percy lets himself relax for the first time since he ended up in Camp Jupiter. But then Annabeth’s being dragged into the pit and he just got her back and he lets himself fall with her.

He makes Nico promise to lead the other demigods to the Doors of Death as he’s falling in Tartarus. As he falls, holding onto Annabeth, onto his world, he feels sick, feels like he deserves the hell that’s going to come for him down there, because he just used Nico’s crush on him to get something.  

He’s surprised that Nico’s not one of the people that cursed him. He almost wishes Nico did.

When he gets back from the pit, Jason’s looking at him differently. Not like the others, who look at him and Annabeth like they’re fragile, scared to ask about what happened down there. Not like Annabeth, who looks at Percy like she’s afraid of him sometimes, like she can’t see anything but him and the poison and Akhlys (though Percy can’t blame her, because that’s all he sees when he looks at himself). No, Jason’s looking at Percy like Percy’s done something to personally offend him. The sinking realization hit Percy. Jason knows. He thinks then that Jason might have the right to hate him.

Nico also tells him to give him space. Percy throws up and doesn’t sleep that night, Annabeth looks at him, worry etched on her face. He pretends it was a Tartarus flashback. It happens more than once and he wonders what it says that what he did to Nico is haunting him more than Tartarus ever could.

Percy never really expected it to come out the way it did, never really expected it to come out at all since the secret had somehow survived two wars, but Leo’s pestering Nico about his (lack of a) love life after a campfire one night at camp, not able to sense the tension that immediately results or notice the glares from both Jason and Percy and Nico just snaps, “You try moving on from Percy.”  

Nico’s gone before anyone can react, but he sees the shock on everyone’s face, except Jason's, who’s too busy staring at Percy’s lack of reaction and Percy thinks Jason might’ve just put it together that Percy knew all along.

“You knew and you didn’t say anything?” Jason’s glaring at him and he’s never felt so much anger from Jason before. It reminds him of eerily of Thalia.  

He doesn’t give Percy time to respond, because Jason’s already trying to go after Nico, the other’s still not really having recovered from the shock, but Percy stops it, “I need to talk to him.” He’s surprised that Jason doesn’t protest.

He finds Nico on the beach a couple minutes later, glaring at the waves. Percy sits down next to him, silent.

“Jason, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Not Jason,” Percy replies and it’s silent again. The two of them, staring at the ocean.

Nico’s the one who breaks it, voice timid and Percy’s hates that he’s the one who has reduced Nico to this, “Did you know?”

He doesn’t know what answer Nico wants to hear, doesn’t know what he could do to make this situation better, because Percy’s so sick of messing up Nico’s life and all he wants to do is help Nico. He settles on a story instead, “When I first got to camp, I was put in the Hermes cabin too. It was the first place that I actually felt like I was a part of something, that I wasn’t the weird kid who somehow blew up a school bus or who wasn’t smart enough or who couldn’t protect his mother, I was just another camper. That’s when I met Luke.”

He feels Nico’s gaze on him, but Percy can’t look away from the water, doesn’t know if he’ll be able to finish talking if he does, “I never had crushes in the mortal world, never had friends, just people who were against me, who labeled me as different, so I didn’t know right away, but there was something about him.”

“Luke figured it out the same time I did,” Percy laughed, tone edging on bitter, “It was the day before I left for my first quest. He just smiled about how I had good taste and I was suddenly just floored with the realization. He used me just like he did to Annabeth, but the difference was he actually cared about her.”

He’s so close to shutting his eyes and just stopping, but he’s never told anyone this before and maybe it’ll help the both of them, “When he tried to kill me, when we got back, he taunted it in my face, laughing about how the gods didn’t care about me otherwise why would have Aphrodite made me love him.”

Percy wonders if Nico’s felt that way too, “Kronos would taunt me about it, try to use it as a bargaining chip to get me to go over to the Titan’s side,” Percy stops himself for a second, trying to collect himself so he didn’t come across as more pathetic than he already was, “At the end, he apologized, said that I deserved better,” he lets out a self-deprecating sigh, memories of Tartarus fresh in his mind, voice closer to a whisper, “Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t.”

Nico doesn’t speak for a couple minutes. Percy assumes he doesn’t know what to say, that the thought of Percy and Luke never even crossed his mind. Though, Percy can’t blame him. It had always been about Annabeth and Luke and Thalia, Percy always orbiting on the outside of the three of them.  

“Why are you telling me this?”

“To show you that I get it,” Percy finally turns his head to look at Nico, smiling sadly, knowing Nico needs to hear this, “To show you that this isn’t something I would ever look down on you for. There are days when I hated myself for liking him after what he did, for who he was, and maybe it’s not the exact same thing, Nico, but I understand.”

He thinks Nico’s struggling to maintain eye contact and when he responds, his voice is shakier than before, “Percy, I -,”

When it looks like Nico isn’t going to continue with his thought, “It might not happen overnight, but you’ll get past it, find another guy who can love you the way you love him, but you won’t be able to until you accept it completely yourself.”

Nico’s eyes have gone glossy, slightly red and it’s enough for Percy to pull Nico into a hug and consequently feel the kid break down in his arms.