#i cannot imagine what neuroses I would have developed if i had been actually raised in one of these churches

[magpiemirroring]

Some really chilling points about evangelical christianity here, but I am sorta fascinated here by the points about "real love" and spirtual ecstasy.

As a child, I wasn't raised with church. Both my parents were very opposed to dragging me (or themselves) to church on a regular basis. I didn't escape indoctrination because my mother and relatives did make sure to provide me with bible story books in various levels of cloying, but I didn't have Church Time. It was up to me to make up my own weird beliefs around the stories I was reading, lmao. (Some of which I am still unpacking alongside my general cultural christianity.)

In middle school I gave up on christianity, though, and start to explore other religions and practices. Because I had read and been told that god's love was special and that I should feel special in church. And I didn't. I had questions about what I was reading and my experiences in churches had never been transcendent. I felt like there was something I was supposed to be feeling and getting out of this whole thing that I simply wasn't feeling. I was an open-minded agnostic through high school and went to church once or twice with friends (who, in retrospect, really wanted to earn church points by "saving" me, lmao), willing to give the experience another shot to wow me. And I only felt lonely and alienated and puzzled by what everyone around me seemed to tap into.

It probably didn't help that the later churches met in spaces that were bland, featureless rooms that you could have held a business conference in. The church I remember as a child at least had some low key stained glass and some scale and atmosphere. It was a space designed to evoke feelings and even at 5 years old, I instinctively wanted to whisper. I don't remember being bowled over by awe for god though. I remember giggling while eating cheap chocolate cookies. I remember swallowing my chewing gum and worrying that it would be in my stomach forever.

Anyway, no regrets about never feeling god. I think religions and churches can provide people with community and connection. I think beliefs can provide a narrative structure to life and a connection to history. Church attendance and rituals can be very satisfying. But any church that preaches that only belief in their faith can provide you with real love is trying to hold you back from connecting to the rest of the world as person. There is love and awe-inspiring moments to be found with all sorts of people and all sorts of activities regardless of whether or not church approves of them. And it is real love.

I said this a couple years ago (one year ago?) and most of the comments on tumblr actually did not know this, so to reiterate what you’re up against: a VERY mainstream belief among American Christian fundamentalists is that they are the only ones who experience love. They raise their kids to think that everyone “living in sin” (all other faiths, atheists, and LGBT people) goes through life sad and empty, falsely believing they know what love feels like, and will never know until they’re “saved.” It’s not as simple as them diminishing the humanity of others out of hate, but being deeply brainwashed to believe others are automatically mentally less human. They are also very good at convincing new converts that they really are experiencing this “real” love for the “first time;” the same way members of all cults can become wholeheartedly convinced that they’re receiving psychic alien messages or communing with spirits. Cult conditioning is simply that powerful.

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Silver Spoon, Episodes 8-11

In which Hachiken cries over spilled milk, finds the courage to run away, and makes a sacrifice that pushes him forward.

Crying Over Spilled Milk

The best moment in Silver Spoon’s first season comes in episode 8, when Hachiken accidentally forgets to connect the hose to the tank and ends up spilling gallons of milk. It’s a stupid little mistake, a result of getting just a little too distracted to make sure everything was in its proper place. And the Mikages take it in stride; mistakes happen, even to the best of us. But Hachiken can’t forget about it. He just keeps rolling it over in his head, feeling worse and worse about costing them so much in wasted milk money, beating himself up even as everyone else has already put it out of mind. It gets so bad that he tries to turn down his summer pay, because he feels like he doesn’t deserve it for screwing up so badly. I know I’ve talked about how real Hachiken’s neuroses are, but Christ, that one hit really close to home. I have been in so many situations exactly like that, where I make a dumb little mistake that sticks with me for the rest of the day and makes me feel like shit. It’s always the stupidest little things, the most banal errors that no one else would give a second thought to. Even though you know they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things, you blow them out of proportion so much that you feel like everyone’s judging you for it. But then, the Mikages’ tight-lipped grandma chooses that moment to finally speak up and remind him that it’s only human to make mistakes, and it’s not something he should punish himself over. And that got me so damn emotional. It’s so easy to get lost in your head with this stuff, to imagine that everyone’s as hyper-aware of your screw-ups as you are. But the truth is, most people don’t blame you for making mistakes. We could all use a reminder of that every now and then; god knows, I could’ve used that advice far too many times to count.

And it completely makes sense why Hachiken’s prone to that kind of overthinking. From meeting his brother in the same episode, we get a very clear sense of the kind of pressure their dad put on them to succeed academically. He pushed them to fulfill his very narrow definition of success, and it seriously messed their priorities up. Hachiken was taught to see mistakes not as a stepping stone to greater success, but as irredeemable failure that cannot be tolerated. If he messes up, that means he’s a bad person and he deserves to be punished. And it’s left him with a serious complex about trying to do anything, because trying something new almost guarantees you’ll make mistakes along the way. How can you gather the courage to pursue your ambitions- or even develop ambitions- when you’re paralyzed by fear of doing anything wrong? Small wonder he wishes he were born into Mikage’s family; had he been raised with their guidance instead of his father’s success-is-everything mentality, he likely wouldn’t feel as stuck as he does. But he wants to break out of that mindset. He wants to be inspired by the passion of his peers and embrace the terror of finding himself. And over the course of his interactions with his friends at Ezono... he’s finally starting to figure out how.

Afraid to Run

Because what Hachiken’s learned from spending so much time with his classmates is, even they don’t have everything fully figured out. Some of them have ridiculously difficult dreams they might not be able to achieve, with a lot of hard work still ahead of them. Some of them are reconsidering if what they came here for is actually what they want to do. And some of them just straight-up don’t have dreams, just like him! Some of them are fine doing whatever, adapting to accommodate whatever life blows their way. As his equestrian friend puts it, it’s okay to find a job that suits you, but it’s also okay to make yourself suit your job as well. Life is a constant process of self-discovery, and there’s nothing wrong if your trail takes you in a direction you weren’t expecting. Just look at his brother, who dropped out of college and is currently pursuing a passion he has very little talent for. He’s not gonna be a successful businessman by making ramen, but it makes him happy, and that’s all that matters. The only reason he got into the prestigious Tokyo University was to make his dad happy, but that was never what he wanted to do. So the moment he realized he wasn’t satisfied here, he dropped everything and left behind all the hard work and effort he put in to get into that university in the first place. He actually accomplished everything Hachiken used to think he wanted, and he threw it away as casually as breathing. And he’s got no patience left for their father’s disapproval: ”I let you have your day in the sun, so I’ll do what I want from now on.” GOD, what a spectacular moment. That brazen refusal to take any shit is the kind of confidence that lets him shake off every way his father tried to twist him. He’s his own man, and only he gets to figure out what success means to him.

And that’s what Hachiken’s finally realizing: he doesn’t have to play by anyone’s rules but his own. He doesn’t have to be perfect, to never make mistakes and never screw up. If he wants to pursue a meaningful life, he can’t be scared of getting messy. He can’t be scared of running and starting over. Because sometimes, he will mess up. He will make mistakes. And that’s totally fine, as long as he makes something meaningful of it along the way. He ran away to Ezono to get away from a life he hated, but what he thought was an act of cowardice was actually an act of bravery. It was an act of rejecting everything he didn’t want to be and opening himself up to the terror of trying something new. It was an act of opening himself up to a world he had no experience in and letting it mold him in ways he never could have predicted. And it was also an act of molding that world right back; the farm kids are as much outsiders to him as he is to them, and his fresh perspective encourages them to reconsider what they take for granted about farm life just as they did for him. He makes them reconsider the complicated relationship between them and their animals, the gray lines between pets and food, simply by experiencing all that ambiguity for the first time and reminding them what that confusion feels like. He’s a new sheep in an unfamiliar flock, and just as they’ve encouraged him to step outside his comfort zone, hes encouraged them to do the same. That ability to share his feelings is his own strength, and it’s helping everyone around him wake up to that same fact: they have the potential to see the world in whatever way the want to.

All they need is the courage to take off running.

Goodbye, Pork Bowl

And for all he’s struggled with, all the self-doubt and second-guessing, Hachiken’s determined to take that step. He’s determined to seize this new shot at life and find out what he wants to do. So when it comes time to bid poor Pork Bowl goodbye, Hachiken finally stops running and faces the reality of his porkification head-on: by buying the entire damn pig himself. That, my friends, is what we in the business call Big Dick Energy. No more running from the reality of what he’s facing; he faces his beloved pig’s end and turns his carcass into something that honors his sacrifice. What better way to bring a bunch of hungry kids together than with bacon, after all? God, Hachiken really is the glue holding this class together; he’s been as positive an influence on them as they’ve been on him. And as the future looms over the horizon, he’s only gonna keep picking up speed. No more shrinking away from the fear of failure; now, he’s ready to actually try. He’s ready to fail. And he’s ready to get back on his feet and keep on running. Godspeed, pig whisperer. Here’s hoping you don’t leave your class unable to eat pork when all is said and done.

Odds and Ends

-That feel when you get angry over someone not giving you any good reasons to get angry with them.

-Grandma is the scariest farm animal, let’s be real.

-Have I mentioned I love the trope where the authority figure tells the rebel not to do the thing while tacitly giving him permission to do so?

-”It’s fun to watch you over-react, Hachiken.” No arguments there.

-”Whats’ one plus one?” “Three!” “It’s Tokiwa, all right.” sndskndjskdh

-”I can’t become a vegetarian.” Have I mentioned how much of a mood Hachiken is sometimes?

-”It takes a certain kind of genius to make horrible yakisoba.” Mikage, you’re a peach.

-”No, nothing surprises me anymore.” I am dead.

-You know, normally I’m not a fan of the “mistaken for a hook-up” gag, but something about this version really cracked me up.

-”Tamako will get mad at me if I don’t pay you for your hard work.” She’s a good egg.

-”It’s teaching material!” I demand more of this teacher next season, holy shit.

-”Empty out your pockets.” Aaaah, brothers.

-”Here, strawberry jam.” Oh my god I love the third years so much

-”Please help me down.” GOD DAMMIT THAT WAS PERFECT

-”I think I’ll jog back.” slkdjslkdjslk

And that’s season 1 done. Expect my closing thoughts later tonight!