#i can't trigger tag this atm because i so badly don't want it to become real

[magistralucis]

Oh god, I’m so, so sorry about your cat. I just lost my 13 y.o. dog a couple of days ago so I know how painful it is to see one’s beloved pet ill. I really hope your cat gets better soon, wishing you both all the best.

thank you anon. i’m still in shock i don’t think i’ve been able to process this yet. i was full on bawling last night because i just couldn’t handle the thought of mimi not being in my life anymore. i don’t have many beings that love me in my life anymore and the thought of one of them going and the thought of having to go through this again (because monty, the other cat, and mimi’s littermate) is absolutely destroying me.

i never had the experience of a childhood pet dying. we kept hamsters when i was little and i don’t remember them much at all, and i think they were given away while still alive. mimi is the first animal who entered my life and loved me just for being there. she gave me small kisses and groomed my hair and let me stroke her gorgeous gorgeous fur and scratched softly at my bedroom door to be let in every morning. i regret so much not going to see her more often. i should have done more. she loves me so unconditionally and i feel like i failed her in every way possible. how can your lives be entangled for nearly ten years and you never feel like it was enough. she’s mine and she’s so innocent and she never never ever did anything wrong whatsoever and she’s sick. i keep thinking it was me who brought the evil eye on her or something because this happened so suddenly. she’s fifteen, she’s at an age where humans don’t really get to dictate whether she gets to be chained to earth for longer. we don’t have results yet on why she’s sick (she had fluid in the lungs and is in an oxygen chamber, she has difficulty breathing and has barely eaten) but should they turn out to be the worst, maybe we’re making her suffer more by keeping her alive. i know all that logically but i so so so badly don’t want her to leave me i want her to stay alive i want to tell her i love her just one more time this is torture