#i can't stop obsessing over it it's actually debilitating

[elvhendis]

Worst thing is uploading art and instantly hating it

[brokenorbornthatway]

So when are we going to start to address the very real harm that the anti ship discourse, as well as anti para rhetoric, does to people with POCD?

Do you have any idea what it's like to obsess over the fear that you might be a ped0? I have literally spent days basically non-stop analysing anything I ever might have done that would make me a ped0 with my greatest reassurance to myself being that "I can't be, because if I was I'd kill myself." (If you know anything about OCD, you know reassurances don't actually help. When I inevitably found more reasons to convince myself I am a P, the line to off myself only sounded more and more like the reasonable solution)

In my rational brain I know that fiction isn't reality and I don't deserve to fucking die over reading fic. I never used to have a problem with problematic fic I read because it was completely divorced from reality to me. I knew that it was completely fiction, even more than that it was further removed from reality because it was fanfiction, and knowing that nobody was being actually hurt meant I could read it without questioning my morals. Reading problematic fic didn't even pop up as a worry when the pocd would come back because I knew that fanfiction isn't reality and what you read in fiction has no basis on what you like in reality.

And I still know that's true when it comes to other people, i know that people who read and write problematic fic aren't intently ped0s, but the anti discourse has fucked me up. Ever since seeing people argue that reading or writing problematic ships means that you are secretly a ped0, my POCD has latched on to it and it makes me want to fucking die. I can barely engage with any media now without fear of commiting a fucking thought crime which will prove that I'm a monster and going to commit an actual crime. It's hard to be around anyone for fear that they'll also think I should die. I've gotten so much worse in the past couple years and so much of that is because of stupid fucking anti discourse.

And then there's the anti para rhetoric that exists fucking everywhere. Seeing people say "all ped0s and zoos should kts" has made me so sick. My ocd tells me that I'm actually just a ped0 in denial and should die because of it and people saying that all ped0s, regardless of if they have or would ever offend, should just die fuels the voice that tells me to commit slip and slide more than anything else.

For fucking decades the only people I've spoken to about this are my system members out of debilitating shame and fear and self loathing. Contemplating at what point the thoughts actually mean I should just give in and end it.

There are no such thing as thought crimes.

Reading problematic fic literally hurts no one.

Telling people that they're ped0s with no proof because they read something causes real harm.

[tofixtheshadows]

Aside from the obvious PTSD/depression/physical-cognitive disability metaphors, I really like ("like") Mithrun's disability as metaphor for addiction. Actually now that I'm typing this out, it's kind of just literally an addiction as a result of trauma and disability, isn't it? His obsession with hunting down the demon functions similarly to a debilitating addiction. It's taken over his life. He thinks about little else. Everything he does is in service to it, and that impacts his ability to form meaningful connections with other people. He can't stop the behavior even when it's causing harm to himself and others. It takes crashing and burning for him to start over again and build his new life without the addiction, with the support of other people.

[will80sbyers]

Noah and Bryce are friends irl

I'm glad he has nice people around, with all the harassment online that he had to live through these months!

I have read truly disgusting things in his comments, even being a Palestinians's supporter I can't agree with doing that to anybody and even less when we're talking about a 19-year-old, I can't even imagine how debilitating that must be for the mental health of anyone, or well I can partly imagine but on a very small scale in comparison... he didn't even say things as bad as others have, and I believe he doesn't really want any of the parties involved to die, he's not a '' genocidal evil monster '' and stuff like that, he was just ignorant, and I hope these months he actually did reevaluate some of the things he thought and some of his beliefs... plus many Jewish people have a definition of zion*sm that is very different in their minds from what the movement is doing, many identified as such growing up because they believed in the propaganda and had to deconstruct that whole reality before realizing what was wrong with it so it doesn't surprise me that at first he believed in all the things they were saying

if you grow up in a cult you don't know you're in one until you have that realization and start questioning what they tell you :/

after responding once people should have just blocked and moved on with their lives focusing on actually supporting the cause in a positive way, instead they continued sending death treats and worse to him that do absolutely nothing to help anybody...

and even if you don't want to forgive him ever, you can stop supporting someone without sending them death treats or trying to dox them or even making accounts specifically designed to target them like obsessed stalkers... you can also hold them accountable and correct them if they say something wrong without ending up going over the limit and into harassment territory, but that's not what happened for the most part - after a certain point it became a sadistic and highly disproportionate hunt of revenge and nothing more imo

[shootmewithasilverbullet]

Like okay here we go are you ready for an OC rant because you're gonna get one! I can't guarantee that this is going to be coherent but I don't really care just be amused by my thoughts okay

Iv been suddenly rediculously obsessed with Zach for like, the entire day today so I need to rant and get it out of my system. You have no idea how much love I have for this dumbass I swear to God.

Originally he came from needing extra characters in a resident evil fic that me and my ex were writing together, and you know what happens with those random shit heads that you make, right? They never fucking leave you alone so now I have Zachary Krowes, himbo of the highest caliber, creature of comfort, living inside my brain rent free like the gremlin he is.

I don't even know how to explain him properly I just have the dumbest facts that I want to blurt out incoherently without context aahh shit is that what you do?

Ginger boy with a fuckton of freckles, literally covered and he hates it but it's whatever at this point. Brown eyes because if they were green it would have been too much and he couldn't have been that blessed at birth. The Ginger genes run strong in this family, let me tell you it's absolutely disgusting and so good at the same time.

He will flirt with absolutely everything that moves, he loves it, it's a game and half the time he just wants to play with words and compliments and he doesn't think about going farther than the word play, and he isn't even good at it, but that's half the fun.

Getting drunk at a bar and just leaning on a table and telling some random girl that she's so pretty in seventeen different ways, and that she has the prettiest friends and he really hopes they're having a good time and that he'll buy them all a drink because they look like they're having so much fun and his own friend suck in comparison, an just being so not threatening and making friends with equally drunk gaggles of ladies that he will one thousand percent make sure get home safe and would fight for. The amount of times he's gotten into bar fights because some asshole has tried to disrespect his new BFFs in some way? All the time.

But at the same time he's literally this military dude, but he's soft as a kitten and while also having the biggest douchebag loud as fuck truck that he calls his baby.

And he's just an asshole on a good day, and he takes some jokes too far more often than he should. He's got so much respect for people but he makes jokes when he's uncomfortable that sometimes are a little mean and even though he knows it he still does it.

He'll drink booze like it's water, but he gets twitchy around drugs because of past addictions, but he isn't the kind of person to stop anyone from doing it just because he's uncomfortable.

He watched his best friend die because of a stupid decision he made, and hasn't been able to talk to the guys wife - also his best friend - for years because of the debilitating guilt he feels for what happened. Also the cause of his insomnia. The insomnia sparks paranoia, and Zach has rigged his entire house so that he has a firearm available no matter where he is.

He riggest his coffee table to have a shotgun holster underneath it just in case. You never know when you'll need that. He's actually very proud of all the shit he's rigged in his house and will at length go on about how he figured it out and how it works and how useful it is.

The insomnia birthed his ability to cook. He learned pretty quickly that he enjoyed it and he prides himself on being good at it. He loves cooking for people and will not hesitate to have people over so he can surprise them with these skills he has perfected. The kind of cooking that requires fresh ingredients that he will buy daily just to satisfy that perfectionist need.

He's so dumb and argues with teenagers on COD for no reason other than he's bored and hwy wouldn't he play war games when this is also his like, job? But teenagers on COD are so fucking annoying but at the same time it's so fun arguing with them like he is also a fucking twelve year old.

When he was assigned his last partner, the blond was pretty and Zach is stupid as shit so he obviously had to embarrass himself, and this dude he hadn't met before so he dropped to one knee and proposed to him in the middle of the briefing room with the rest of their unit present. Zach has never been forgiven for that. He did end up dating that very same partner, but no one would believe it because that whole partnership was just Zach flirting badly and Josh having better taste. Bad flirting won :)

He has mommy issues. A bad step mom who used to hit him when he was younger. She's still the only person that makes him freeze up, the only person that he's actively terrified of.

Zach almost got a police record, from when he was in high school. He got arrested for vandalizing a building with some friends and when the police showed up he let himself get caught so they could get away. He ended up getting let off the hook because the cop was a family friend, but he got smacked around by his step mom and he ended up telling his friends the bruises were from the popo roughing him up.

He'd do just about anything for recognition, especially when he was younger. The need to be the center of attention, to be noticed in any way, good or bad, stemmed from his parents inatentivness (his dad) and disappointment (stepmom). She wanted him to fit in a specific mold, that he couldn't hope to do, and hwne she realized he'd never be the Son she wanted, she got angry with him, and he started acting out to make her mad, to rebel against her.

Okay that's enough I could really go on but I won't. If you made it this far shit, kudos man I love you!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

So think about this: Post-Serum Steve has an absolutely wild libido. CONSTANTLY HORNY. It's like his body's making up for lost time when Pre-Serum he might've had a decent sex drive, but wasn't healthy enough to act on it often. But now? What would it be like? What would he do? BUT LET'S TAKE IT FURTHER. What if it was so ramped up that it started to become dysfunctional, debilitating, affecting his everyday life? What if it affected his sleeping, concentration, missions, etc? What if he became obsessed with it? What would he do, try to resist? Shamefully try to indulge as little as possible? What if the other Avengers found out? Would they try to find people for Steve to fuck in order to keep him functional as an Avenger? WHAT ABOUT WHEN BUCKY'S BACK IN THE PICTURE? Could he keep up with Steve constantly wanting to rail him? The whole idea makes me so curious (and horny) and I need people to talk about this! (Are there fics of this? There should be fics of this)

👀

I'm thinking about this ask disrespectfully lmao but yes yes I've heard this headcanon before and I love your twist! It's a unique look at it I think because it mentions how it could be a bad thing too... hmmm

(This turned out way longer than expected haha)

I entirely agree that post-serum Steve has a libido that if you bottled it, could cause nuclear explosions. There is no need for sex-pollen or an aphrodisiac 🤣

"It's like his body's making up for lost time when Pre-Serum he might've had a decent sex drive, but wasn't healthy enough to act on it often."

I've never thought about it like that! Just the idea that his body is making up for lost time as in the time he spent in the ice buuut I do like that added on factor too! I've read a few odds and ends of fics that mention that pre-war Steve had a hard time getting an erection plus a difficult time keeping one.

"What if it was so ramped up that it started to become dysfunctional, debilitating, affecting his everyday life?"

Poor Stevie!

The first thought I had about it being a negative was actually that he'd probably get some... chafing. Especially if he's doing this all alone, before Bucky is found to be alive still. He would probably, despite the serum, jerk himself raw trying to get his sex drive under control.

(I can now imagine Steve whining and jerking off, tears in his eyes, gasping aloud to himself, "it hurtsss, oh, fuck, it hurts, but that I can't stop- I, I, I just- I need to keep going! Need, I, I gotta- I have to, I can't! I'm still hard and it hurts if I don't, just, just one mmmore. Unngh! Ah! Fuck!" And... that shouldn't be hot but... the sadist in me says it is. Fuck, don't imagine Steve being unable to keep jerking himself raw and instead rutting his hips down into the bed, the fuzzy blankets the Black Widow bought him suddenly coming in handy, a lot less irritating than his calloused hand. Don't imagine it. Don't imagine it. Don't...)

"What if it affected his sleeping, concentration, missions, etc? What if he became obsessed with it? What would he do, try to resist? Shamefully try to indulge as little as possible?"

Not to brush over the first part of this with it affecting his sleeping, concentration, and other parts of his second life but, I mean... shame would 1000% be a part of this for Steve! Oh, poor baby...

His Irish-Catholic roots would SCREAM at him in the depths of his mind. He would nearly be eaten alive by it, I fear. Poor guy.

Then there's the general purity culture he grew up in paired with what he's jerking off about-? (Not his best friend who he last saw falling into a bottomless ravine because that's too painful but another dark haired, fair eyed man who has pale golden skin with sturdy muscles under it.... a man. Men.) His material is both socially unacceptable, during the time he's originally from, and also unacceptable in the church. Even if he doesn't believe in God anymore, too many experiences of poor faith stripped it from him, it's hard to shake the shame. The what if? What if He's real? What if I really am going to hell?

ALSO, not to mention how Erskine told him he was a good man... not a perfect soldier.

Yet, Steve suddenly doesn't feel like a good man; he doesn't feel like a good man but a deviant. It feels like he can't control himself and, poor Steve, he's something of a control freak. So its terrifying. The impulses and urges he has. Dirty and wrong... It feels to Steve like the serum didn't wholly turn him pure and good in this way and... it scares him. That part of him scares him for a good while, it feels like a wild animal. Like a dark corner, steeped as he's been in all that America's Golden Boy, US Government Propaganda. It feels like a dirty secret and something to be ashamed of.

"What if the other Avengers found out?"

I can't help but think - because I like to hurt myself thinking sad things lmao - about Steve coming to Natasha (or maybe Agent Hill? He seems to be closest to them right off the bat, more comfortable around women (and especially Hill with queer women having been the first women to join the military, so hed have that basis and comradery)) and breaking down. Crying with tears dripping down his face and chin, landing on the table with a quiet little pit-patter, huge shoulders shaking as he wraps himself up in a hug, grabbing his own hands to twist his fingers up in knots or grabbing at his own forearms, leaving fingernail marks and bruises behind... so, so fucking torn up about all this. Especially after holding all of the worry and shame and stress up inside himself for a long time. It just comes rushing- fucking pouring out of him to whoever he ends up spilling it too (which it surely won't fucking be his SHIELD appointed therapist (one of a few he's switched between, looking for the right fit) because, well, he's sure they're a fine person. A good person probably. But he's weary enough about the information the government has on him, more than enough information on his body, so they don't need more. The less they go poking around in his head, the better).

"Would they try to find people for Steve to fuck in order to keep him functional as an Avenger?"

Natasha I think would take initiative set him up with a ton of people like we see her do in the films. Introducing him to modern dating but also one night stands (and... also how, not entirely illegal sex workers are. He can hire someone to fuck, if he's not ready for the emotional side or the going out to pick up a stranger who may or may not recognize him). She keeps trying and trying, only because she likes annoying the old man she knows Maria Hill has got the other angle covered-

Agent Hill assisting Steve in ordering Steve sex toys and LOTS of lube so he's at least not injuring himself, trying to keep from being unable to focus and unable to help from popping inappropriate erections constantly. (Also Maria makes sure to 1000% keep her lips zipped around Coulson because he would LOSE HIS SHIT, knowing that Captain Rogers is using sex toys. Not to mention how he would probably have a nose bleed too. And the star-struck staring would get so much worse lol. A lot little school-boy-crush-esque.)

Also, TMI but I just feel like... thus far, Steve's favorite toy is a fleshlight. It's familiar enough to jerking off but it feels nicer. Some of the other, uh, options are a little too intimidating for him to want to go for it. Also, it feels a little too indulgent to use these fancy, expensive toys for something that is bad feels like he's doing something bad. (Eventually though, Steve's favorite toy will be a cock cage because it keeps him from getting hard when he doesn't want to or when the situation is inappropriate. That and the chastity device hands over control to Bucky beautifully- even in a healing way, Bucky having control again and Steve being able to let go. Also just a sexy way too though).

"WHAT ABOUT WHEN BUCKY'S BACK IN THE PICTURE? Could he keep up with Steve constantly wanting to rail him?

I mean-

If we're going for canon stucky where Bucky falls and comes back, super soldier and winter soldier, not shrunkyclunks, then I feel like the answer has to be y-e-s.

Bucky 1000% can keep up. More than that sometimes... Bucky gives Steve a run for his money with his begging and affinity for winding Steve up even more than he normally is. Intentionally using himself to tease Steve or just, y’know, existing yet making Steve drool somehow.

Shrunkyclunks would depend on the author and not to be a tease but... this author and this new fic I'm planning right now..? Modern Bucky can CERTAINLY keep up. 👀 I can't wait to write and start posting it eventually.

The whole idea makes me so curious (and horny) and I need people to talk about this! (Are there fics of this? There should be fics of this)

Same! Clearly lol. I think people do talk about it but not a ton especially not a lot in a way where Steve can't deal with it effectively or where it impacts his life negatively. People do tend to just want the sexy part lol, which, fair. Same here haha.

I'm sure there are fics that are more meta-ish or more just, like, constant sex-pollen with Steve's sex drive but other than-

"just let me rock" by mcwho (which... now that I think about it, that whole series, "the serum amplifies", is a pretty good sexy, Steve can't control himself, group of fics)

-I can't think of any specifically!

(Also don't feel like you demanded me to write this, I knew you were just rambling, sweets, I myself got caught up in the thoughts anyway!)

[wattpadscapcons]

Addiction (Pregame Kokichi x Reader)

tw: Extreme self-esteem issues, relationship insecurities, obsession, reader is a literal saint let's be honest, implications of dependency

Word Count: 1166

=

"I wouldn't want to be anyone else."

These words slip out of your mouth before you could stop them. Kokichi sighs, and with a gentle squeeze of your hand, mutters out something you wish he didn't say.

"Funny, I wish I could be anyone else other than me."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why would you say that?"

"......Because that's just how I feel Y/N. I'm weak, and my intelligence only seems to help me in the most desperate times. How am I supposed to even protect you?"

"You're actually worried about me? You did see what I did to Kaito right?"

"Wait that was you?!"

"Duh! He deserved it too!"

=

He gave you a look and jokingly backed up again.

"Not funny babe."

"Nishishi."

=

He still seemed to be putting up a front as always it seems, he rarely lets it slip, even around you. You can understand where he's coming from though, it's hard to be vulnerable with anyone when you're so used to be taken advantage of. This issue definitely isn't new, but it must be debilitating for him to deal with.

You could tell him you love him hundreds of times and still wonder about it on some of his worst days. He'd never say a thing to question you though, he wants to trust you on it. Trust, that's the issue. He trusts you a lot more than other people since you've stayed with him for so long. You still have a long ways to go to really get him to say how he really feels, or what he actually wants to do with you.

=

He notes when you pay attention and remember everything he says he likes or hates, when you go out of your way to make his day better, when you protect him from others, and every other nice thing you've done for him. The mere thought of it was enough for him to smile, but so was seeing you in person.

You who are so loved. He envies that about you, and yet you still chose him over the others. That might be the one thing he can never quite wrap his head around. Why him, when there are so many others who fawn over you? Why him out of anyone? What made him different to you?

He keeps overthinking, and it gets to him all of the time. It's no wonder why he can get so quiet or take longer pauses to respond.

=

Somehow you managed to make him both feel special, and question himself in a single swoop. Yet, you assure him when on the rare occasion he questions you about how you really feel about him.

=

"Why do you love me again?"

"Kokichi...I've told you so many times before why."

"Humor me, please."

"I love you because you’re one of the strongest people I've ever known. Not once have I met anyone quite like you before."

"That still doesn't make any sense to me Y/N."

"Probably since you may be looking at it from the wrong angle. I refer to your mental strength, not physical dear."

"I know that...."

"Then there should be nothing to feel confused about."

"I'm confused as to why you came to that conclusion in the first place."

"I've seen so many people toss you to the side before as if you were nothing, yet you still got up and brushed it off. -"

"I never just "brush it off" Y/N. You are the only one who doesn't continuously try to hurt me in some way and I can't figure out why. Why haven't you just got rid of me already?"

" 'Cause you matter a lot more to me than you'll ever know."

=

He'll secretly worship you for that. For being the one to see good in everyone. For being the one to save him from his own self-hatred. For being everything he needed to start feeling ok. For insisting on keeping him safe no matter how many mistakes he makes. For just...be you. He could never imagine how life without you would play out, he never wants that to happen.

He could stay like this forever. Laying in bed, just staring at your sleeping form next to him, or laying his head in your lap while you watch TV. You never try to push him away, never make him feel like he's a burden to you, never question his actions unless it could get him hurt, you never do anything that might bring him more mental turmoil. You were his painkiller, you made everything stop.

He can still remember when you finally got it through his head. The moment of realization.

=

"So you love me....you really love me..."

The fact that he was even surprised that you did in the first place was enough for you to pull him into a hug. He clutched onto the back of your shirt, desperately trying to find a way to get just a little closer to you. He always felt warm when you were around, and suspected that's because he had some kind of pitiful love for one of the only people who ever seemed to treat him like he deserved. You brought him so much happiness, so much that he felt as he could never repay you for it all in a single lifetime.

=

"I always have. I'm sorry Kichi, I should've made it clear at the very beginning."

"No! I should've realized it myself! You've done everything to prove it to me, I guess I just wasn't ready for this."

"Ready for what?"

"The pain to stop.... I'm so used to being in some kind of pain, but you seem to be a painkiller for me. You're always making me feel better about just being myself, you never try to hurt me, and you've kept me from giving up entirely so many times I've lost count."

=

He's just hoping that you will continue to make all of those negative thoughts go away every time it gets him to the point of a breakdown. He hates having to rely on you for this every time, but no one else would ever comfort him like you do. No one else would try to comfort him at all, due to those facades of his. You broke them once, and you'll keep knocking down those walls until he can breathe again.

You are the only one worth being honest to, and it utterly scares him. He dreads thinking of a day that you finally see himself the way he does and end up leaving. You’re his addiction, motivating him to get up out of bed, go to school, deal with the others, deal with the chances of being mistreated again, all so he can see you. It's a wonder you haven't noticed just how close he is to snapping. He can't handle the thoughts of you with someone else.

You assure him that'll never happen. You'd never lie to him about that.

=

@ohlookitsnormannn

[mbti-notes]

I chose a scientific related uni because of people's advices. They used to tell me I was so smart I could do anything and this particular uni would give me great job opportunities. I had no idea what to do anyway, so I went for it. What I was mostly happy about was the fresh start and the possibility to make new friends. In this, I succeded, but with exams I had a lot of difficulties. Science is based on logic, which is something I found out I can't use very well. All my friends could - they[..]

[con’t: have been passionate about science for their whole life - and I started developing an inferiority complex. All my interests looked useless now since nobody could relate and I slowly lost all of them, forced myself to replace them with new ones. Everyone around me was referencing different things, valuing different abilities, and I really liked them and wanted to be their friend. I wanted to understand them. With time, I became obsessed with passing exams and getting every single detail  right. I wanted to prove them (and myself) that I wasn’t stupid like they thought, that I could be brilliant in science as well. But everyday I was changing and becoming a parody of myself, losing my energy, motivation, happiness, imagination. Eventually I lost all of my friends (for different reasons though) and stopped going to uni, still studying to pass exams - but on my own. Since I was alone, I started going out with my boyfriend (I met him at uni) more: everytime we were together I would notice how good he was at science and how many things he knew, how enthusiastic he could be about the world around him e all the abilities (math, logic and even things that were not related to uni) he had that I didn’t have. I started hating him. I forced myself to study and be better, but not without crying and feeling inferior at his every word. Months passed and I was more and more convinced I was stupid. Even if my boyfriend was so good, though, he was thinking of leaving uni. I did something really bad, that I’m still ashamed of: I encouraged him to leave. I think it’s because I didn’t want him to continue studying and get even better than he was at the time. I wanted a chance to surpass him. I feared people talking to us and judging me as the “stupid one” and him as the “brilliant one”. After some time, though, he was changing his mind again and wanted to stay, but I insisted and asked him to PLEASE go somewhere else. I was crying, shouting,so desperate and depressed for how stupid I thought I was that he accepted just to stop my suffering. He changed school, but it’s so clear he doesn’t like it. He forces himself to study, but has lost motivation. I’m studying just when I need to, not trying to be brilliant anymore, waiting for uni to end (just a bunch of exams and it’ll be over). I’m still stressed, but now because I’m angry at myself for what I did. I was selfish and did not only ruin my boyfriend’s career, but my entire life. I feel like I don’t have passions anymore, or a sense of humor, or even the ability to have fun. I never have anything to say, I don’t like anything, I try to get interested to old stuff but it’s for “stupid people” now - at least, according to my mind. After all this time even my boyfriend has become depressed. I no longer see the enthusiasm he used to have, he’s always sad and bored and hates his life. He’s too afraid to come back to my uni, he says it’s better this way and he doesn’t want me to feel inferior again. He’s seeing a psychologist and I’ll probably join him soon, but I’m so afraid… I’m sure they’ll tell me it’s all my fault, that I need to accept I’m stupid and inferior if compared to him and change uni. Being good at this is my dream now… how do I stop screwing things up? How do I solve them? Is there a way? Will I feel inferior to him for anything he does FOREVER? I miss the old days when we used to laugh together, with no comparison ever… now we don’t even know what to tell each other. I know it’s all my fault. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I wish I could change the past, but I can’t. I just wanted people to like me as much as they liked him. I wanted to stop feeling like I was the stupid one. Please, don’t judge me. I’m already doing negative self-talking everyday. Thanks if you will answer. (INFP)]

I have already addressed similar questions before: mbti-notes.tumblr.com/post/189237158737. You are in extreme Te grip, please read the tags and study guides about how to get out of inferior grip, there’s already plenty of information and I don’t want to waste time repeating it. 

I’m not here to judge anyone, I frankly don’t care enough to judge. You judge yourself harshly and this extends into fearing judgment from others. You’ve gotten yourself into quite a mess because you did not respect yourself and your feelings at the start. How can you feel good about yourself when you keep disrespecting yourself? How can you treat others well when you don’t even know how to treat yourself well? You kept trying to force yourself into a situation in which you clearly did not belong, and your insecurities have become so large as to hurt the ones you purport to love. 

The only way out is to properly reckon with your bad choices and correct/ameliorate the things you have done wrong. Until you do that, you will suffer from constant guilt and self-hatred that will impede any efforts to better your life via Ne development. Mistakes haunt you until you atone for them - you need proper closure to move forward. You should start with your boyfriend, because he is the person that you have hurt most other than yourself. Be completely honest with him about what you have done to him, as you explained it to me. It doesn’t matter what he decides to do so long as you take responsibility for the pain you have inflicted upon him. Be a mature adult. Confess fully and apologize sincerely. Let him decide what to do with his life. Stop trying to influence him, you have proven that you are incapable of caring for him, so give him space to engage in proper self-care. 

With regard to academics, you’ve stubbornly stuck it out this long so you probably feel like you should finish. It is your choice as to whether you would like to finish or switch tracks - I cannot say anything about that. The only thing I can tell you is that Fi doms will never feel satisfied as long as they are doing something they don’t believe in and aren’t passionate about. If you truly care about yourself and want to get your life back in order, then you need to spend time actually caring for yourself and exploring what it is you want to do properly (instead of trying to force yourself into a career like a square peg into a round hole, just because someone somewhere suggested it long ago). 

What other people do is irrelevant. This is your life to live as you see fit. Even if you manage to finish your degree, do you really think that this career path is the path to genuine fulfillment in YOUR life? If not, then correct course for the sake of your psychological well-being. If it is, then you need to get a better perspective on it because you seem to suffer from debilitating perfectionism that is only going to leave you in self-hatred. Until you engage in proper self-care, you are going to keep suffering from insecurity. I strongly recommend that you get professional help for serious self-esteem problems and inferiority complex. I have already recommended books on the resources list about self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-compassion.

You can get advice from anyone anywhere about what to do, it won’t matter until you step up and take responsibility for your decisions. Changing your life is actually as simple as making your decisions differently (which requires exercising Ne and envisioning better possibilities). If you don’t change how you make decisions, then your default mode is to make the same mistake again and again in an endless loop. The choice is yours. It’s your life and you are the one who is responsible for making the change. 

Think on what kind of person you want to be and work to be it. You keep trying to be a person who is not you, and then you wonder why you’re unhappy? You cannot find happiness in self-violence. A person who is truly “worthy” is a person who nurtures their virtue and contributes something positive and beneficial to the world around them. You have to make the choice to be good and do better. You have to understand that the choices you have been making consistently lead you into being your worst self, which completely undermines your underlying intention to be better. You have tried hard to excel, I applaud that, but your energy would be better spent to nurture your character rather than your skills at this point. No matter what technical skills or knowledge you have, a bad moral character will never allow you to use them properly, will it?

[docgold13]

I've probably been germaphobic for a really long time without even realising it. I wash my hands so often a day, I used to have cracked, bloody skin during the winter and my hands often had a different skin colour altogether, though that is no more, all thanks to hand lotion lol. I also have certain routines and habits.

Eg, if I come home after being in a public space, like in a bus, or a restaurant, I change my pants before I sit down anywhere in my home. I don't lie/sit on my bed with any clothing other than my pyjamas.

I use toilet paper to cover the seat of the toilet before using it, anywhere - even when I was living on my own and literally no one else was using that toilet. I wash my hands after every meal, because I can't/don't want to touch things that are 'cleaner' without (if I went to bring the trash outside afterwards, I wouldn't wash them in that case). I need to know that my hands are clean before I use my own laptop, smartphone, gaming consoles, etc. (I tend to wash my hands after using the devices of other people, because I've yet to see a smartphone without a smeared screen.)

I will generally shake other people's hands, I just usually wash or disinfect my hands discreetly. I have a 'designated' finger for operating public touchscreens that I'll disinfect afterwards. The way I use public restrooms is funny too, because I want to avoid touching the tap and the door handle after washing my hands without at least a layer of paper in between. ...And there's a lot more.

If something disrupts these routines, like when I can't clean my hands right away, it's always on my mind until I clean them. The potential diseases are never a debilitating concern to me like I know they are to some, it's just that I don't want that on me. But I think that I've been able to adapt and hide my habits well enough that they don't impair me in public anymore or make me look weird.

I'm aware that the standards I have for myself are on the far end on the spectrum of personal hygiene. Idc what everyone else does in their homes, but it's a different story when it comes to my own. I have the luck that my family I live with are relatively cleanly people, but when I learnt that some guests didn't even wash their hands after using the toilet, I was shocked, disgusted and uh, it certainly ruined my mood. It was all I could think about whenever I looked at them.

...Anyway, all things considered, what does all of this qualify as?

first a foremost, while I’m a doctor, I’m not your doctor and anything I have to say in response should just be considered recommendation and not actual medical advice.

The key issue in answering your question is to what extent are you interested in changing. If you are comfortable as you are and do not feel unduly impaired or distressed by your concern over germs then there is no diagnosis. period. full stop.

The actions you are taking to avoid germs and stay clean sounds laborious and (statistically) unusual but not necessarily pathological. Psychological diagnostic is not about enforcing social norms but rather determining an individual’s wellbeing and functionality.

What your describe above would meet the clinical threshold for obsessive compulsive disorder; but only if it causes you undo distress and/or significantly impacts your life.

And while that might not be the case now, it could become the case later in life. There are bound to be things you might want to introduce into your life that will prove incompatible with this zero tolerance for germs. Pets are not always clean, romantic partners might not be up to your standards of hygiene, and having a baby can entail a near constant barrage of gross bodily fluids.

Still, all of this things are not necessarily necessary for a happy and complete life. If you are happy or at least content with the way you are then I wouldn’t recommend trying to change a thing.

If however you are unhappy or feel that your fear of germs is curtailing your life in some fashion, then I’d suggest looking into ways of mitigating the issue. Psychotherapy with a good clinician and potentially a medication like zoloft is likely to bring about a degree of relaxing on these fixations.