#i can't believe there's a whole au for five getting hit by a fire extinguisher

[in-tua-deep]

What if Klaus managed to hit Five with fire extinguisher? A) Five wanted to came back much earlier but got knocked back and all siblings see is his hurt expression B) he actually managed to stay but his face was messed up

adsfSDAFGHF an au that’s just everything the same except Five is walking around looking like the poster child for abuse thanks to a well aimed fire extinguisher to the face

i mean you could go down so many rabbit holes with this kind of ‘of want of a nail’ sort of things lmao like hey maybe Agnes doesn’t notice the tattoo on Five’s wrist because she’s too busy staring at his black eye and wondering if she needs to call CPS for this black coffee drinking child in her store 

which would mean that Hazel and Cha-Cha don’t track down the Umbrella Academy as quickly, which means that Klaus wouldn’t have been kidnapped wearing nothing but a towel or maybe even kidnapped at all, which means Klaus never met Dave, which means Klaus wouldn’t be motivated to get sober in order to see his dead bf, which means he wouldn’t discover he’s able to manifest Ben

I mean you might even think that maybe Agnes doesn’t go in the back because she doesn’t want to leave this potential-abuse-victim with his father-whatever she thinks the tow truck driver is to him, which would mean Agnes witnesses the time travel assassins and either a) dies (bad ending) or b) witnesses all of this and considering how well she took Hazel’s bullshit in stride just immediately adopts this tiny time travelling assassin and decides to help him out on his crusade which has the potential to be absolutely HILARIOUS like I bet you good money that sweet Agnes would absolutely be able to figure out the info on the eye?? 

Like if Five had anyone else other than Klaus I bet he’d go for it, and failing his mission to get info on the eye and knowing Agnes knows the bullshit going on he’s like “You know what?? you want to help so badly help me get info on this eye” and Agnes is like “hold my apron” as she amps up the ‘sweet donut shop lady who just really really wants to be helpful and she’s so sorry about her nephew, you see, he’s just come to live with her for reasons that should be evident because of his face and he has some behavioral issues and she very much hopes they won’t hold it against them while they’re in this delicate transitional period. in fact, little Fieval showing interest in helping others is really a very good sign for his recovery process and won’t they please help out??’

they walk out with the info they need and Five is just kind of like. hmm. okay. you can help. clearly he underestimated Agnes, master of manipulation and killing people with kindness

Five, walking into the academy with Agnes: okay so I need to work up some probability maps. you and Dolores can hang out, I guess.

Agnes, who actually does have several nieces and nephews and baby cousins who have left her with their stuffed animals and dolls before, very gravely: I would be honored, I’ll be in the kitchen making us some tea when you’re ready to join us.

Klaus, standing there with mouth open: UH actually what the fuck

Five, explaining nothing: ah yes. This is Agnes and Dolores. Agnes, Dolores, this is my idiot brother Klaus.

Agnes, witnessing this scrawny skinny man and activating her inner donut shop grandmother genes: why don’t you come have tea with us in the kitchen, dear. i’ll make some cookies, you look like you could use some meat on those bones. and you, too, Five! Stopping the apocalypse is hungry work, after all.

I fully intended this to be a short post but goddamn i am absolutely enamored with the idea of Agnes being the robin to Five’s batman. Or?? the Alfred? Agnes walking up to the Handler and saying that her behavior is not very nice. Hazel is just. Distantly in awe of whoever is hanging with Five and ends up having a few discussions with her while Five and Cha-Cha fuck something up and he just falls head over heels for her

Agnes: oh, yes. I have plans to visit all these bird sanctuaries. I have a big map drawn up and when this is all done I’ll take a road trip. Maybe I’ll take the kids with me, goodness knows they need to get out of that big old house.

Hazel: i uh. i hate to break it to you but uh. the apocalypse is in like, four days.

Agnes: oh yes that’s why I plan on stopping it. You see, I already went ahead and booked a hotel room for the first stop and it’s non-refundable I’m afraid. I’m going to see a california clapper rail in person, thank you.

Hazel: uh. what’s a california clapper rail.

Agnes, pulling out her book of birds and leaning over: here you see?? aren’t they lovely. they live in california, as the name suggests. they’re about the size of chickens and they rarely fly. how wonderful!

Hazel, absolutely in love: oh man that sounds pretty cool

Agnes, kindly: well if you’d like to join us I’m afraid that this apocalypse nonsense simply has to be stopped, first.

Hazel, already having swapped sides but doesn’t know it yet: UHHH

Five, warping next to them: okay I trapped Cha-Cha in the ball pit let’s get out of here

Hazel: i should uh, go take care of that

Agnes: well it was lovely talking to you, Hazel, I’ll see you next time you hunt us down? Oh! Here, you can hold onto this for now and look through.

Hazel, accepting the bird book and on the verge of tears: yeah that sounds nice

Five: i understand i’m really an old man but from the bottom of my heart i mean it when i say old people are fucking weird.

Agnes: now that’s not very nice, dear

Five: i’m not a very nice person >://

the ABSOLUTE SHENANIGANS and you know that Agnes just gently adopts all the Hargreeves under her downy wings and gives the best hugs?? Vanya: disarmed by the power of hugs and homemade donuts and the power of Agnes giving the whole family a disappointed look when they’re being mean to one another. and also the fact that if anyone says anything bad about Agnes, Five has knives and all the fury of being like five feet tall on his side because Dolores likes Agnes and they’re friends so

how did this au come out of five being hit in the face by a fire extinguisher why can i never stop at like one or two lines i’m a WRECK

but yes i’m calling this the poster child au where Agnes is about 80% more concerned and sticks around and ends the apocalypse by the power of being an ordinary person who is actually well adjusted and sane