#i can't believe i went all december without watching this movie

[punkshort]

i'll be home for christmas | part two

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: Having just caught your fiancé cheating on you, you decide to come back home from the big city to Austin for the month of December to try to figure out your next step. You had no idea you would be getting more than you bargained for with the handsome single dad who built your parents' house.

Chapter Warnings: no outbreak, modern day but Joel is 40, language, fluff, very soft!joel, flirting, kissing, hallmark movie tropes up the wazoo, mentions of infidelity, mentions of divorce, reader's sister is pregnant, hurt/comfort, explicit smut (18+MDNI), (somewhat) unproteced piv sex, angst (but you know there will be a happy ending, this is Hallmark, after all)

WC: 12K

A/N: I am so overwhelmed at the response I received for part one. No contest, it's my most successful story to date, and I can't thank you all enough ❤️ I really hope you enjoy this part just as much. Please read the warnings, this has some (very sweet and soft) smut at the end, so if it isn't your thing, feel free to skip it.

Series Masterlist

Joel sat in his truck, the engine long cooled down by now, as he stared blankly at his garage door, waiting for the stupid grin to leave his face before he went inside to face his brother. But he had been sitting there for almost twenty minutes, and he was still smiling behind the back of his hand.

That date with you was perfect. Well, he could have done without getting knocked on his ass by some kid, but it worked out for him in the end, so he didn't mind.

Goddamn, did you make him feel good. There was no way he would be able to sleep that night, he was sure of it. Not after the way you looked at him, touched him, kissed him. A big part of him wondered for a long time if he would spend the rest of his life alone, believing that lightning doesn't strike twice, that he would never find anyone who would look at him and want him the way you did.

He ignored the nagging voice in the back of his head that reminded him you didn't live there, that you would be going back to New York in a couple short weeks. He couldn't let that bring him down just yet, that was a problem for another day. Right now, his only problem was resisting the urge to drive back to your house and scoop you up in his arms so he could make you feel as good as he felt.

It was close to midnight, so he caved and went inside, hoping his brother would be too groggy to interrogate him. When he walked in and saw Tommy and Sarah lounging on the couch, wide awake and watching some action flick, his face fell.

"Hey, it is way past your bedtime, the hell are you doin'?" Joel scolded, sliding off his boots.

"Dad, c'mon, it's the weekend," Sarah whined.

"Don't care, you know the rules," he told her, trying to sound firm, but he had such a soft spot for her that he never succeeded in sounding threatening.

"But it's a special occasion, I wanted to hear how your date went," she grinned, sitting up and wiggling her eyebrows. Joel's jaw dropped and shot a glare at his brother while stretching his arms out at his side in disbelief.

"Oh, come on, she practically dragged it outta me," Tommy smirked.

"Unbelievable," Joel muttered, collapsing on the end of the couch and rubbing his eyes.

"So?" Sarah pushed, tucking her legs underneath her excitedly.

"I ain't talkin' about this with you," he said, biting his cheek as he stared at the TV.

"Why not?" she pouted, but Joel just shook his head.

"Go brush your teeth," he said.

"Fine," she replied, rolling her eyes as she made her way to the stairs. "But I'll get it out of you one day."

She stomped upstairs and it wasn't until Joel heard the water running that he turned to his brother.

"What the hell, Tommy? You know I didn't want her knowin' about that," he said, exasperated.

"Oh, relax," Tommy said, stretching his arms above his head. "She's sixteen, Joel. She's smart. She figured it out herself, I just confirmed it after gettin' the third degree."

Joel sighed and tipped his head back onto the sofa, closing his eyes.

"Christ," he muttered.

"What's the big deal?"

Joel sat up and opened his eyes.

"Big deal is, she lives in New York. There's no future there, we were just hangin' out, and I don't need Sarah gettin' her hopes up," Joel explained, trying to downplay his feelings, but his chest squeezed at the thought of you leaving one day.

"Ever hear of long distance?" Tommy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"That never works," Joel replied, shaking his head.

"Well, maybe you should make it work," he said, sitting up and muting the TV. "You know, Sarah just wants you to be happy, Joel. We both do," Tommy said somberly. "Told me tonight she's worried about you bein' all alone when she goes off to college."

"I'll be alright," he said gruffly, although the same thought was plaguing his mind recently, as well.

Tommy stared at his brother a moment as Joel watched the TV, pretending to follow the story even though there was no audio. He decided to drop it for now and changed the subject.

"So, you gonna tell me how it went or what?"

Joel bit his lower lip, trying to keep himself from smiling, but he failed. Tommy noticed right away and grinned, leaning forward to tap his knee.

"I know that look," he said, still grinning.

"Yeah, alright," Joel finally said with a smile. "It was great. Really fuckin' great."

"Hell yeah!" Tommy yelled, and Joel immediately shushed him, pointing upstairs.

"She's funny and she's sweet, we had a real nice time," Joel said, his grin permanently etched on his face now.

"I figured it went well since you got home so late," Tommy replied with a wink.

"I ain't gonna sleep with her on the first date," he whispered, just in case Sarah was listening. He settled back into the couch as Tommy turned the TV volume back on, letting the movie play for a minute before adding, "She's a good kisser, though."

"Oh, I can't wait to meet this girl," Tommy chuckled with a shake of his head. "Haven't seen you smile this much in years."

"Yeah, well," Joel replied noncommittally, still smiling like an idiot and staring at the TV. He decided to stay downstairs that night, finishing the movie and then starting another one on the couch long after Tommy left, unable to quiet down his mind long enough to fall asleep until nearly three in the morning.

You woke up the next day, stretching your arms above your head with a big yawn, not ready to get out of bed yet but the voices downstairs told you it must have been late. With a groan, you reached over and snatched your phone off the charger. When you saw you had a text waiting for you, your heart skipped a beat until you read Sydney's name and not Joel's. Your eyes flicked to the top of the screen, noting it was close to ten in the morning, before sliding open the text.

Sydney: sorry forgot to reply yesterday. I saw will at black & blue, he was hammered and falling all over the place

You scowled, not interested in whatever your ex was up to, so you replied with just the thumbs up emoji and set your phone back down.

Staring at the ceiling, you dreamily thought about your date with Joel. God, he really took you by surprise. You were proud of yourself for taking that first big step forward and putting yourself out there again, but you had no idea it would feel like this. You weren't even sure you ever felt like this with Will. Even when things were good, Will never treated you the way Joel did last night. He was so earnest and respectful, opening doors for you and actually listening to you talk about work. And he didn't even try to feel you up, either, although you probably wouldn't have minded. Maybe it was those Southern manners you were missing this whole time.

With a groan, you dropped your phone back on the nightstand and swung your legs over the edge of your bed, wrapping yourself in your robe, still not expecting it to be so cold in Texas. Even though it was December, it was unusual.

You made your way into the kitchen and made a beeline for the coffee, tossing a wave in the direction of your parents sitting with your sister and brother in law in the living room.

"She lives!" Cassie exclaimed with a smug look on her face. You held your mug up to your lips and blew on the liquid, frowning when the whole family was looking at you with matching, goofy smirks.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Like what?" your mom asked innocently. You squinted at her as you sat down, not buying it.

"How was your date?" your sister asked. You took a sip of coffee before replying.

"Good," you said simply, nodding your head. Your mom and dad exchanged a look and you frowned again, getting annoyed.

"What?" you asked loudly.

"Nothing!" your dad said, looking back down at his newspaper. Who even still gets the newspaper delivered anymore, anyway?

"Josh, what's going on?" you asked your sister's husband, knowing he was the weakest link. He glanced nervously between you and Cassie.

"They saw you and Joel on the Ring camera," he blurted out, and your family all groaned in unison. Your face flushed beet red, gawking at them all in disbelief.

"Are you kidding me?" you screeched.

"We didn't mean to, Bucky. Dad was reviewing the footage because he couldn't find the newspaper this morning and, well..." your mom trailed off, trying to hide her smile.

"Oh my god," you whined, tucking your legs to your chest and hiding your face.

"Looked like the date was a little more than good," Cassie teased, and you smacked her on the leg.

"I can't believe this," you mumbled to yourself, hiding your face behind your coffee mug and praying someone would change the subject. "How much did you see?"

"Just from when he pulled in the driveway til when you went inside," your mom said with a shrug.

"That's, like, everything, Mom! Oh my god!" Your face was hot with embarrassment now.

"He looks like a good kisser, is he a good kisser?" Cassie asked.

"Shut up!" you whined, covering your face with your free hand.

"There's nothin' to be embarrassed about, he was a gentleman. Held the door open for you and everythin'," your dad murmured, and you groaned.

"Can we talk about literally anything else, please?" you begged.

"Of course!" your mom said, her eyes flicking around the room, waiting for someone to say something, but nobody spoke.

"I'm sorry, Buck, but you gotta see the the smile on his face after you went inside, it was so cute," Cassie said, pulling out her phone.

"I'm going upstairs!" you announced, jumping up from the couch.

"Wait! Are you still coming by later to help paint the nursery?"

"I don't know, are there any cameras there?" you shouted over your shoulder as your climbed the stairs with your coffee to hide in the sanctity of the guest bedroom.

"Well, no. Only because I haven't set the baby monitor up yet," Cassie called back and giggled when she heard you slam your door.

Grumbling to yourself, you flopped back into bed and picked up your phone, looking for a distraction from your embarrassment. You quickly found one when you saw you had a missed text from Joel.

Joel Miller: Question for you - when is the earliest you should text someone without looking too pathetic after you've had the best date of your life?

You grinned as you typed out a response.

You: answer - whatever time you sent this text :)

Joel Miller: Oh, good. Thought I scared you off, sent that about ten minutes ago.

You: sorry, I was downstairs talking to my family, forgot to bring my phone. And I don't think you could ever scare me off

You almost told him about the doorbell camera fiasco, but decided against it. Picking up your mug, you tried not to stare too hard at your phone as you waited for a reply.

Joel Miller: What are you doing later?

Your heart skipped a beat at the thought of seeing him again so soon, then quickly stopped yourself, remembering your promise to your sister.

You: I told my sister I would help paint the nursery...

Joel Miller: That's a shame. I was hoping you could teach me something again.

You: oh? lol

Joel Miller: I just realized how that sounded - I meant wrapping Christmas presents for Sarah. I'm awful at it and I have another hunch gift wrapping is a secret talent of yours.

You giggled and rolled over in bed, your embarrassment long forgotten now.

You: you might be right... how about tomorrow?

Joel took the porch steps two at a time, eager to see you again and it hadn't even been a full two days. His finger barely pressed the doorbell when he heard your voice call out I got it! and the door swung open. You smiled up at him, your eyes lighting up before dropping your gaze to his mouth.

"Hi," you said breathlessly.

"Hey," he replied, swallowing roughly.

"Have a nice time, Bucky!" your mom's voice rang out somewhere behind you as you shut the door quickly. Joel grinned, his gaze drifting from your eyes to your mouth before leaning in. You put your hand on his chest and tilted your head back before grabbing his hand and leading him to his truck. Confused, he followed behind and tried not to stare too long at the way your jeans perfectly hugged your ass.

You led him to the passenger side of the truck, but when he reached out to open the door, you snaked your hand up to wrap around the back of his neck, pulling his face down for a searing kiss only when you were sure you were hidden from view.

"Would I sound crazy if I said I missed you?" you whispered.

"No," Joel replied, shaking his head and trying to calm his pounding heart. "Couldn't stop thinkin' 'bout you."

"Me, too," you admitted softly, gazing up at him with your beautiful eyes all wide and burning with desire.

He cradled your face in his calloused hand, the other flattened firmly against the truck door behind you as he stared into your eyes, fighting the urge to pick you up and wrap your legs around his waist so he could pin you against his truck and let you feel just how badly he missed you.

Then, you heard your dad's SUV unlock and your eyes widened in panic.

"Shit," you muttered. "We should go. I think they're heading out."

"Alright, maybe I should say 'hi' real quick," he said, pushing himself off the truck and letting his hand drop from your face.

"No! That's okay, we'll be stuck here forever if you do," you said hurriedly. He gave you a curious smile but agreed before opening the door for you and hopping into the driver's seat.

He waited until he backed out of the driveway and was heading down your street before shooting you a sideways glance.

"Everythin' okay?"

You sighed and rubbed your palms over your face before clearing your throat.

"So, remember the other night on the porch, after you dropped me off?"

He smirked and nodded.

"Yeah, I think I remember," he teased.

"Well," you began. "My family saw us on the doorbell camera the next morning," you cringed.

He laughed, throwing his head back just a bit so he could still keep an eye on the road, and shook his head.

"Oh, I hate those fuckin' things," he said, but he was still laughing.

You grinned, your nerves and unease dissipating quickly.

"You're not embarrassed?"

"Nah," he said with a shrug, then turned his head briefly to look at you. "I'm sure we put on a good show."

You giggled, your cheeks tinting pink, and turned your head to look out the window.

"Alright," he said after a minute. "I've waited long enough and I gotta ask."

You swiveled back towards him, waiting for him to continue.

"What's the story with the nickname?"

You groaned and squeezed your eyes shut.

"It's so unbelievably stupid," you said, but he shook his head.

"Well, now you gotta tell me."

"Fine," you said, rolling your eyes, but your playful smile gave you away.

"It's Buck, or Bucky. Short for Bucket," you began.

"Bucket?" he repeated, bewildered.

"I warned you it was stupid!" you protested, and he chuckled. "Anyway, when I was little, my sister and her friends had a sleepover one time, and I overheard them swearing."

"Okay," Joel said slowly, nodding along while he kept his eyes pinned to the road.

"I always looked up to my sister, I was like her shadow when I was younger. So, when I heard them swearing, I wanted to be like them, too, you know?"

"Yeah, I follow," he replied, still not sure how the story related to your nickname.

"Well, thing is, I misheard them. They were saying 'fuck it', but I heard 'bucket'," you explained. "So I went to school and, thinking I sounded cool, I would say 'bucket' to all my friends. We were little, they had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained to them it's a swear word. Before I knew it, I had the whole class saying 'bucket' any time someone dropped something, or got a bad grade on a test, or whatever."

Joel howled with laughter, gripping the steering wheel for dear life as he tried to make it safely into his driveway.

"The principal called my parents and told them what was happening," you continued, joining in and giggling. "They got me home, and-" you doubled over, clutching your stomach as Joel put the truck in park and slumped over the steering wheel, his body shaking as he laughed.

"And I had to tell them the whole story, about why I kept saying it and-" you wiped the tears from your eyes as you took a deep breath. "And - oh my god - my sister got grounded for two weeks-" Another fit of laughter washed over Joel, tears streaming down his face.

"Wait, wait," he gasped, unbuckling his seatbelt so he could turn to face you. "You got in trouble in school, and your sister ended up gettin' punished?"

"Yes!" you squeaked, still giggling.

"Oh, shit," he breathed, panting as he leaned the back of his head against the seat rest. "Can't believe you thought that was stupid. That's gotta be the funniest thing I heard in a long while."

"Well, I'm glad I could brighten your day," you said, still grinning.

He rolled his head back towards you, his soft gaze drifting up and down your frame quickly before stopping on your eyes.

"You really do, y'know," he said quietly, and you furrowed your brow, tilting your head in confusion.

"Brighten my day," he clarified.

You bit your lower lip and smiled, looking away as the flush began to return to your cheeks.

"Come on, charmer. Why don't we go teach you how to wrap presents?"

You never really gave much thought as to what Joel's house would look like, but once you saw it, it immediately felt like him. It was a smaller, two bedroom house. When you first walked in, you entered a living room with a leather couch and an oversized recliner. A big screen TV was front and center across from the couch, with a few framed pictures of Joel and Sarah mounted on the wall next to it.

"You want somethin' to drink?" Joel asked, making sure to slide the coat from your shoulders before shrugging off his own.

"Maybe just water," you said, following him into the kitchen. You gasped when you saw his cupboards and immediately rushed over to them while he pulled two bottles of water from the stainless steel fridge.

"Oh my god, Joel," you whispered, running your fingers gently over the designs. Each one looked different but somehow they all were cohesive. Some had small flowers or butterflies carved into the corners, while others had simple, yet intricate designs grooved into the wood.

"Had to practice somehow," he said, feeling his cheeks flush as he walked over to hand you your water.

"God, it's so beautiful," you said breathlessly, unable to look away from the dark, stained wood. Your fingers danced over some stars etched into one of doors, your eyes wide with awe, but he was focused entirely on you. He couldn't get enough of watching the delicate features on your face light up whenever you found something new that pleased you.

"How long does this take for you to do?" you asked, finally dragging your eyes away to look up at him. Your throat tightened when you noticed the heat behind his stare, your pulse fluttering in your neck.

"Depends," he murmured. "Some are faster than others, but I prefer to go slow and take my time. Anythin' worthwhile takes time. Gotta show it respect, gotta care for it."

His low and sultry tone made your face flush, forgetting for a moment you were talking about woodworking.

"Y-yeah," you stammered, clearing your throat. Suddenly, you were feeling short of breath. "That makes sense."

He gazed down at you for another moment, his eyes slowly raking over your face as if committing it to memory before speaking again. Your entire body felt hot, and you cursed yourself for wearing such a thick sweater.

"Ready to go upstairs?" he murmured, still staring at you in a way that made your spine tingle.

"Huh?" you whispered, completely entranced by his deep, brown eyes.

"The presents?" he reminded you with a small smirk.

"Oh, right," you said, finally blinking and looking away. You shakily opened your water bottle after he turned around to lead you to the stairs, your mouth suddenly extremely dry.

As you walked up the steps, you tried to get a look at the pictures that lined the wall, but it was difficult to do without tripping. You thought you had finally gotten your head on straight after that moment in the kitchen, but when you realized he was leading you to his bedroom, you felt the tremble return to your hands.

"Sorry, had to hide everythin' in my closet, she's too nosy," he said over his shoulder.

"No problem," you squeaked, trying not to stare at his neatly made bed. Your eyes briefly drifted over the end tables filled with personal effects. You thought you saw a chapstick, a cord for a phone charger, and a worn paperback book, but you didn't want him to catch you, so you looked away quickly.

He opened his closet and you were surprised to find his clothes packed away so neatly. For a bachelor, he kept a really clean house. He pulled out the bags of gifts from the shelf above his clothes, then the wrapping paper, which was leaning against the corner.

"D'you think we got enough room?" he asked, glancing around at the floor.

"Yeah, of course," you said, sitting down crossed legged on the carpet. You reached out for the wrapping paper and rolled it out in front of you as he sat down at your side, taking out her gifts one by one. You felt yourself involuntarily clench as you watched his large hands deftly lay out each item on the floor, his muscles twitching slightly under the tanned skin of his exposed forearms.

"I know what you're thinkin'," he said, and your eyes widened in surprise. "I spoil her, I know, but she's such a good kid, I can't help myself."

That was definitely not what you were thinking, but you chose to keep that to yourself.

"I think it's sweet," you told him. "You seem like a really good dad."

Now it was his turn to blush. He tried to turn his head away so you wouldn't see, murmuring his thanks as you each picked an item to start. After a quick tutorial, which included way too much tape and ripped paper, Joel finally seemed to get the technique down. It only took until about halfway through the pile for you to muster up the courage to bring up a topic you couldn't help but be curious about.

"So," you began, hoping you came off nonchalant. "Is Sarah with her mom this Christmas, or..."

Joel's fingers fumbled for a moment with the wrapping paper, but he quickly recovered.

"Uh, no," he replied, keeping his eyes cast down on the shoe box in front of him. "She's not in Sarah's life anymore."

"Oh," you said, unable to keep the surprise from your voice, but you didn't push him any further. Your mind was scrambling, trying to think of something else to talk about, when he sighed and leaned back, abandoning the gift.

"I'm sorry, this is all so new to me, I probably should've told you about her sooner," he said, feeling guilty, but you quickly shook your head.

"No, you don't have to-"

"I want to," he said, cutting you off. You clamped your mouth shut and turned your body so you could give him your full attention, leaving the hair dryer you were wrapping on the floor next to you.

He drew a shaky breath in and looked up at the ceiling before speaking.

"There's not much to say, really. I'm still not always sure what happened," he began. You nodded, staying quiet and letting him take his time. "We were together since high school, ended up stayin' together after graduation. Sarah was a surprise, we were both still so young but we made it work. It was hard, but once me and Tommy got the business goin', it made things a bit easier."

Your fingers tangled together in your lap as you listened, refusing to say anything until he was done. His gaze drifted towards a fixed point on the wall as he continued.

"From what I gathered, she felt like havin' Sarah so young robbed her from doin' certain things in life," he said heavily. "Said she couldn't do it anymore. Didn't want her life to pass her by and be full of regret."

You bit your lip. The pain was clear as day on his face and it was making your chest ache.

"Well, anyway. I thought maybe she would go off for a couple months, do whatever it was she thought she was missin' out on. Parties, college... other men," he added the last part quietly, and you dropped your gaze to the floor. "Get it out of her system, y'know? But she just... never came back. Eventually, the calls came less and less, and I put two and two together. Didn't even get a courtesy call before I got served with the papers."

He rubbed his eyes, trying so hard not to look like a blubbering idiot in front of you. You reached your hand out and placed it gently on his knee, giving him a reassuring squeeze. He dropped his hand from his face to cover yours, staring at your coupled hands for a moment.

"Joel-"

"It was just so fuckin' hard on Sarah, y'know?" he said, his voice cracking. "I had no idea what to tell her. She cried almost every night, askin' me why her mom didn't love her anymore."

"Oh, Joel," you whispered, unable to hold back any longer. You closed the small gap between you, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and pulling him into your chest, your fingers gently raking through his hair. "I'm so sorry," you told him, burying your nose in the hair on top of his head, breathing in the citrus scent from his shampoo.

He didn't say a word. He just tugged you closer and closed his eyes, leaning into your comforting touch with a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry," he finally managed to croak out. "I'm throwin' way too much at you, I know you didn't sign up for this."

"Shh," you whispered into his hair, then tilted his face up to look at you, his dark brown eyes glassy with unshed tears. "It's okay," you murmured, pressing a soft kiss against his lips. A solitary tear slipped down his cheek when he pulled back to look deep into your eyes.

"It's okay," you repeated, wiping away the tear with the pad of your thumb before placing another gentle kiss against his lips.

He hummed contently against your mouth, sliding his hand up to the back of your neck and pressing his lips more firmly against your own, scared to let you go because if he did, he was sure he would fall apart.

Your grip on his hair tightened as he leaned forward, one strong arm wrapped around your midsection and the other pressed against your back. You mumbled something against his mouth when he tried to lay you down and knocked over a small pile of DVDs.

"Fuck," he whispered and, oh god, the way he said it made your legs turn to jelly and your cheeks flare with heat.

Frustrated, he tightened his grip around you and lifted you up, refusing to break the kiss. A tiny, high pitched squeak slipped past your lips as you wrapped your legs around his hips, letting him carry you to his bed.

He laid you down carefully on top of his plush, navy striped comforter. You sighed into his mouth, your legs loosening around his waist and falling open while you dragged your hands out of his hair and down to his shoulders, wrapping your fingers around his biceps to keep him close. He hovered above you, balancing all his weight on his elbows while his fingers played with the ends of your impossibly soft hair.

He slipped his tongue easily past your lips with a low groan, the noise going straight to your core, making the ache between your legs almost painful while your tongue danced with his, the two already so familiar with each other.

You tipped your head back with a gasp, desperate for air, but he kept going, unable to stop himself. His lips brushed against your jaw before his teeth and prickly beard scraped against the sensitive skin behind your earlobe. You let out a needy whimper and arched your back at the sensation, pushing your breasts into his broad chest as goosebumps spread over your whole body.

"Oh god, Joel," you whined softly, squeezing your eyes shut.

"Yeah, baby?" he replied, his voice thick and muffled against your neck. Baby. Jesus, this man was unraveling you so fast, it was making your head spin.

"I-I know we said this was casual, but-" the words got trapped in your throat as you cut yourself off, unable to finish your thought.

"I know," he said, his voice strained. "Fuck, I know."

He lifted his head away from your neck as he stared down at you, patting your hair back and away from your face as he panted slightly for breath.

You looked up at him, eyes watering as you tried not to think about your time coming to an end in a couple short weeks. You could tell he was thinking the same but didn't want to say it, the pain behind his eyes was obvious.

He blinked a couple times, the clouds clearing as he forced himself to focus on the present. He had you here in his arms, in his bed, underneath him right now. And he was going to be damned if he didn't soak up every single second.

He leaned back down and locked his lips on yours again, this time moving slower, more gentle and tender. He wanted to treat you right. You deserved it, and he wasn't going to give you anything less than what you deserved while he still had you.

You loosened your grip on his arms and allowed your hands to drift to the buttons of his flannel, slowly and shakily undoing them. His heart began to slam against his chest when he realized what you were doing, his mind going fuzzy with desire.

He pulled his head back when you were about halfway down his shirt, looking down hazily at your fingers working open the buttons as he desperately tried to think straight.

"Dad?" Sarah called from downstairs, the front door slamming shut. "Are you here?"

"Shit," Joel mumbled, scrambling off of you as he clumsily tried to redo his buttons. You jumped off the bed, leaning over so you could see into the mirror above his dresser, raking your hands through your tangled hair and quickly fixing your sweater.

"Yeah!" Joel shouted back, glancing over at you to make sure you were decent. "Sorry," he whispered, but you just grinned. Then his eyes fell to the half wrapped presents on the floor.

"Wait! Don't come up-" he called out as he heard her skipping up the steps. Joel grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the room, closing the door behind you both just in time.

"What? Why?" Sarah asked, then froze when she saw you. She looked up at Joel, then back to you, and a slow smile spread across her face.

"Ohhh..." she said with her hands on her hips. "Now I see."

"N-no, it's not what it looks like, she was just helpin' me wrap some gifts," Joel stammered, jutting his thumb over his shoulder. You shifted your weight nervously as you looked back and forth between them.

"Then why are you missing a button on your shirt?"

You both glanced down at his flannel, and she was right. He missed fixing a button in all the chaos. Your face flushed beet red as you stared at the ground while Joel hurriedly fixed the button, cursing under his breath. When you dared to look back up at his daughter, she was smirking playfully at you. Joel cleared his throat.

"Sarah, this is-"

"Yeah, I know, I remember from the party. The pretty dress, right?" she asked, and you nodded.

"Yeah, that's right. Nice to see you again," you said awkwardly.

She nodded, still smirking and looking at you and Joel. You could tell she loved catching her dad in this uncomfortable situation.

"Oh, crap. I forgot. Uncle Tommy is waiting for you in the driveway, said he needed your help unloading some work stuff out from the back of his truck," Sarah said.

"Ah, dammit, alright. You okay for a couple minutes?" he asked you, eyebrows raised.

"Of course," you said. He nodded, walking down the hall past Sarah, muttering "be good" to her as he walked by.

You listened as Joel made his way down the stairs and out the front door, leaving you and Sarah in silence, still staring at one another.

"I'm sorry, we really were wrapping gifts," you assured her.

"It's okay," she said with a shrug. "Last year he used duct tape on my presents, I know he needs the help."

You giggled, causing her to laugh, as well.

"Do you play an instrument?" you asked, just noticing the case on the floor next to her feet.

"Yeah, violin. I had practice after school today," she said, picking it up.

"Oh, cool. I played piano growing up, but I was never any good," you said, sliding your hands in the back pockets of your jeans.

"I have my school's Christmas recital on Friday," she said. "My first solo."

"Oh my god!" you said, clapping your hands together, genuinely impressed. "That's incredible! You must be so excited!"

"Yeah, at first, but now I'm getting nervous," she said, glancing down at the case in her hand. "You wanna hear me play?"

"Duh. Absolutely," you said with a grin. Her eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across her face again.

"O-okay. This is my room right here," she said, turning to her right and opening the door. "Sorry it's messy, my dad's gonna kill me."

"It's totally fine," you said, walking in and sitting down at the edge of her bed. You glanced around the room as she set up her music stand. On the pink walls, she had posters up of her favorite bands with a calendar and string lights draped across the room.

"I really like your room," you said, squinting to look at the stickers and drawings she had on her headboard.

"Thanks," she said sheepishly. "My dad let me do whatever I wanted."

You were about to comment on the various trophies she had on her windowsill when Sarah spoke again.

"Just so you know, I don't mind that you're seeing my dad."

Your eyes shot up to hers in surprise, not sure what to say. You hadn't really had a chance to talk to Joel about your relationship and how that would affect his daughter.

"He's been in such a good mood this past week, and he won't tell me but I know it's because of you," she said, pinning you with a familiar brown gaze.

"Oh, that's so sweet, Sarah," you said, finally finding your voice. "Thank you. That means a lot."

"You're welcome," she said. "I just want him to be happy again."

You dropped your gaze to your lap, your chest tightening at the thought of Joel being so lonely all these years.

"Me, too," you whispered, still looking down. Sarah regarded you for a minute before slapping her palms against the tops of her thighs and leaned down to pick up her violin.

"You ready?" she asked. You looked up and nodded, giving her an encouraging smile and sat back to listen as she began playing a hauntingly beautiful version of 'Silent Night'.

Sarah got about halfway through the song when she hit the wrong note and abruptly stopped, dropping her chin to her chest in frustration.

"Hey, it's okay," Joel heard you say softly as he walked back up the stairs. He paused at the top, right outside Sarah's room to listen.

"It's okay to make mistakes. Just go slower, take your time. Anything worthwhile takes time," you told her, and he smiled when he heard his earlier words to you repeated back to his daughter. He took a step forward to lean against the doorframe and watch the two of you, your back to him as you sat on her bed.

"Okay," Sarah said, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes before lifting the violin to her chin and starting over.

Joel listened to Sarah play the same song he's heard a million times already in just the past month alone, but kept his eyes trained on you. The way you gave her your full, undivided attention and encouraged her with a smile or a thumbs up when she would glance over at you shyly made his chest ache.

When Sarah successfully finished the song with no mistakes, you jumped up from the bed, clapping and cheering for her, making Sarah giggle and hide behind her hands.

Fuck, this was going to be so hard.

"Dad?" Sarah asked the next morning over her bowl of cereal.

"Yeah, baby girl?" he replied, frowning as he pulled his bread from the toaster. He sucked his fingertips into his mouth, trying to bring some relief to the quickly reddening skin.

"Can your friend come to my recital tomorrow?"

Joel froze, his fingers still pressed against his tongue as he slowly turned around to look at her. He dropped his hand and took a deep breath.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," he replied.

"You don't think she would wanna go?" Sarah asked, her eyebrows pinched together.

"No, it's not that, I'm sure she would," he said, trying to find the right words.

"Then what's the problem?"

Joel sighed and picked his mug up from the counter, then walked over to join her at the table.

"She doesn't live here, baby. She's goin' back to New York in another week or so, I don't want you gettin' too attached," he finally admitted, watching Sarah closely as she considered his words.

"Well, you guys like each other, right?" she asked, and Joel smirked.

"Yeah, but it ain't that simple."

"Yes, it is, Dad," she said, rolling her eyes and dipping her spoon back into her bowl. "My friend Katy was dating this guy last year and he switched schools over the summer. They're still together, it doesn't matter," Sarah said with a shrug, taking a bite of cereal.

If the topic didn't fill Joel with a sense of dread, he would have chuckled at the comparison, but instead he just sat there quietly, watching his daughter as she finished her cereal and scrolled on her phone.

Sarah pulled on her backpack and was sliding on her sneakers to catch the bus when she called back to Joel over her shoulder.

"Just ask her, okay? Please, Dad?"

Joel sighed, hanging his head between his shoulders and paused his hands over the dishes in the sink.

"Alright," he relented, and he heard Sarah clap her hands behind him before slamming the front door shut.

You: good morning :)

Joel Miller: Good Morning, sweetheart. I didn't think you would be up this early.

You: couldn't fall back asleep. What are you doing

Joel Miller: Just getting to work. Why couldn't you fall back asleep?

You thought about it for a minute from under the pile of blankets on your bed, rolling to your side before answering.

You: I was thinking about you...

Joel Miller: Good thoughts, I hope?

You: VERY ;)

His throat went dry when he opened the text. He glanced around outside his car window, making sure he was still the only one on the job site before replying.

Joel Miller: What are you trying to tell me, baby?

You smirked and bit down on your lip.

You: I was wishing you were in bed with me right now

"Shit," he muttered to himself, glancing around once again before adjusting his pants.

Joel Miller: Me too, what are you wearing?

The answer came back almost immediately.

You: nothing

He groaned and rubbed his palms roughly over his face.

Joel Miller: You're killing me, baby. I have to get working in a minute.

You: i'm sorry ;)

You: I promised my parents I would go to dinner with them tonight, but are you free tomorrow?

Joel took a deep breath, trying to clear the onslaught of inappropriate thoughts from his head when he remembered his promise to Sarah.

Joel Miller: It's Sarah's recital tomorrow night. She asked me to invite you this morning, did you want to go?

He nervously chewed his cheek for a moment before sending another text.

Joel Miller: No pressure, I can tell her you're busy.

He sent his second text right as your reply came through.

You: I would love to!

He grinned and raked his fingers through his hair. Tommy's knuckles tapped on the outside of Joel's window, making him jump. He held up a finger before sending you a quick answer.

Joel Miller: Sounds great. I'll pick you up. Try to go back to sleep. Dream of me.

Joel opened the door and slid his phone in his back pocket, a stupid grin etched across his face as he joined his brother in the half-built storefront they were working on.

"Oh man, you got it bad," Tommy said with a chuckle when he saw the look on Joel's face.

"Alright, what do you think of this one?" you asked Cassie as you stepped out of the bathroom modeling the sixth dress of the day.

"I liked the red one better," she said, glancing up from her phone.

"Are you sure? This one is a little more chic," you said, twisting around to look at your backside in the mirror.

"It's a high school recital, Buck. I don't think anyone is expecting 'chic'," she teased, and you rolled your eyes.

"Well, I just want to look nice, is all," you said, sitting next to her on your bed in a huff. You tapped your phone screen, frowning when all you had was another text from Sydney and nothing from Joel. You opened it up anyway, curiosity getting the best of you.

Sydney: OMG!!!!!!

You sent back three question marks and locked your phone with a sigh.

"You still wanna get together next week so we can look at apartments online for you?" she asked.

"Yeah," you said sadly, looking out the window.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," you told her. "Just not ready to go back yet."

"Could that be because of a certain sexy contractor?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at you.

"Shut up," you smirked, tossing a pillow at her lightly.

"Ooo you like him! Lookit how red you're getting!"

"I'm gonna kill you when that baby's out, you know that, right?" you giggled.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Cassie said, looking back down at her phone as the smile slowly faded from her face. "You know you don't have to go back, right?"

"What do you mean? My job is there, my life is there... everything is there," you replied. "Of course I have to go back."

"What life, though?" she asked, and you frowned at her. "Seriously, Buck. Aside from your job, which you hate, what's left?"

"Well, my friends are there. And I don't hate my job that much. I mean, everyone hates their job a little bit," you said with a shrug.

"Is this what you expected to do when you were in college? Is this what you wanted?" Cassie pressed, sitting up on the bed. "Are you even happy?"

You paused, letting her words roll around in your head for a moment.

"Well, I mean..." you trailed off, not sure how to answer her question.

"If you have to think about it this long, I think you know the answer," your sister said quietly. You groaned and rolled off the bed.

"I'm going back. I have to. I can't just give up because some guy broke my heart," you said, turning around so she could unzip the back of your dress.

"I'm just saying, think about it," Cassie replied. "I wouldn't hate it if my child's aunt was in their life more than twice a year!" she called after you as you shut the door to the bathroom.

Joel eagerly jogged up the porch steps and rang the doorbell, very aware of the camera this time while he fiddled with the cuffs on his dark red button down shirt. He heard high heels clicking on the other side of the door and the corners of his mouth turned up into a smile, which quickly vanished when you opened the door and he saw the dress you were wearing.

"Hi," you said with a shy smile, pulling a soft looking white cardigan on over your shoulders.

He thought he had greeted you. He could have sworn he said something, anything, that didn't make him look like a complete idiot, but apparently nothing came out because you scrunched your eyebrows together when you saw his face.

"Are you okay?" you asked, pulling the door shut behind you.

"Yeah, it's just - Jesus, you look so good," he managed to finally say, tilting his head back to stare up at the roof of the porch for a moment, taking a deep breath.

"Thank you," you said with a giggle. "You don't look half bad, yourself."

He rubbed his forehead, exasperated and flustered before pulling you quickly into his arms and latching his mouth onto yours with a groan.

"Joel," you pulled back breathlessly with a small smile and leaned your head to the side, trying to silently remind him of the doorbell. His eyes raked over you hungrily before shaking his head and pulling you back into a deep kiss.

Fuck the camera, let them see.

You giggled against his mouth, causing him to smile and break the kiss.

"Come on, I wanna get good seats," you said, rubbing your thumb over his lower lip to wipe off your lipstick that transferred. It caused his stomach to clench. That sweet, little intimate gesture made him ache for more so badly that he could hardly breathe.

He walked you around the front of his truck, opening the door and giving you a hand so you could hop onto the seat, the gorgeous red dress you were wearing hugging your curves just right and distracting him to no end.

On the walk around to the driver's side, he mentally scolded himself, reminding himself over and over that tonight was a big deal for his little girl and he needed to stay focused.

As he drove down the street, he realized that his hand instinctively found yours across the seat, his body craving the warmth and softness of your own. How on earth was he going to go back to the life he had before, now that he knows what it's like to bask in the heat of your touch?

Once he got to the school, he found a parking spot and jumped out of the truck. You had figured out by now that he preferred you to wait so he could open the car door for you, so you did. Swinging your legs over the side of the seat, you slid down into his waiting arms, your hands gently coming to rest on the tops of his shoulders. He gazed down at you with his arms loosely hanging around your waist. You saw his adam's apple bob in his throat while he let himself get lost in your warm, beautiful eyes. You lifted a finger from his shoulder, tracing an invisible line down the side of his cheek as you stared up at him with your plush lips parted so invitingly that it made his knees weak.

"Joel! Hey!" Tommy's voice called out from behind, snapping you both out of the moment. Joel sighed and untangled himself from you, taking your hand and leading you forward so he could shut the door before turning around to find his brother.

You could see the family resemblance immediately as Tommy approached you with a wide grin. His hair was a bit darker and a lot longer, and his beard was less full than Joel's, but he had the same soft, brown eyes that you had grown to know and love.

Love? Oh, no.

"Hey, Tommy," Joel said as he got closer, his hand pressed firmly on the small of your back. "This is-"

"Oh, I know who she is. How're you doin', darlin'?" Tommy asked, pulling you into a bear hug, taking you by surprise.

"I-I'm good," you squeaked shyly once he released you. "Nice to meet you."

"I've been dyin' to meet the little lady who's got my brother all wrapped up," he replied with a grin.

"Tommy!" Joel seethed warningly at your side, but you just giggled.

"I'm just messin' around. She knows that, right?" he said, shoving his hands in his coat pocket and rolling on the balls of his feet. "Supposed to snow next week, can you believe it?"

"Yeah, I heard we might get a couple feet," Joel said, steering you toward the doors to the auditorium. "Better get your shovel ready."

You settled in between the two brothers as you found a decent spot in the fourth row. Joel draped his arm around the back of your chair while he chatted with Tommy about work. You inadvertently leaned to the side and rested your shoulder against his chest as you glanced around the room, admiring the lit up garlands around the windows and Christmas trees on the stage with fake presents underneath.

When their conversation died down, Tommy pulled out his phone and began scrolling through social media, holding it low between his spread knees with his chin tucked into his chest.

Joel tilted his face forward to press his lips on the top of your head, breathing in a deep and contented breath. A small smile played across your lips as you turned your gaze up towards him, resting your cheek gently on his shoulder. He looked down at you with a smile and planted a chaste kiss on your forehead, and as each of you slid your eyes closed for a moment, Tommy angled his phone to snap a quick picture, smiling to himself and making a mental note to show his brother later.

The lights dimmed and you all straightened up in your seats. You listened to the music teacher make a small speech at the beginning and politely clapped afterwards. You saw Sarah twice throughout the concert as part of the orchestra, smiling at how focused and beautiful she looked in her white dress. As the concert wound down, Sarah finally came out on stage for her solo, and the three of you eagerly leaned forward. At the last minute, you remembered to pull out your phone and start a video, telling yourself you were doing it for Joel so that he could be in the moment, but you knew you would end up watching it by yourself when you went back to New York City.

The performance was flawless. When it was over, the three of you lept up from your seats, cheering, jumping and clapping, making her wave and blush as she exited the stage. You sat down, giggling, as the people surrounding you gave you all polite smiles and chuckles, then quieted down for the finale.

When the lights came back up, everyone stood from their seats, murmuring and laughing while waiting for their kids to come out from backstage and take pictures. You saw a flash of white out of the corner of your eye and moved out of the way just in time for Sarah to run and jump up into Joel's arms, burying her face in his neck. He squeezed his eyes shut, his arms wrapped around her tightly, murmuring praise in her ear. You felt warmth spread across your chest as you watched them have their moment, the corners of your mouth turned up into a smile with your hands clasped together against your chest.

He let her down gently and she turned to give Tommy a quick hug. He spun her around, making her giggle and fidget with her dress before she turned to you.

"You came!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms loosely around your waist. Your eyes widened in surprise, not expecting such affection from her, but you quickly returned the hug.

"Of course I came! Thank you for inviting me," you said, pulling back with a grin. "You were absolutely perfect, I took a video, I'll send it to your dad so he can show you later."

"I did exactly what you told me, I slowed down and took my time," she beamed, and it gave you a new feeling deep in your chest that you never felt before.

"That's great, Sarah," you replied, your throat tight with emotion. Tommy dropped his gaze from you and ticked his jaw to the side, finally understanding why Joel was hesitant to let Sarah know about the two of you.

"Dad?" Sarah asked, turning away from you. "Can I sleep over at Katy's? She's having a bunch of girls over and her mom said it was okay."

"Uh, sure, baby girl. Don't you need clothes and stuff?"

"I have stuff I keep here in my locker for gym," she said.

"Well, alright, lemme talk to her mom first," he replied, glancing around the room.

"Thank you! She's right over here," she said, grabbing his hand. "Thanks for coming!" she called back last minute over her shoulder to you and Tommy, and you both smiled and waved as she dragged her father across the room.

"She's so talented," you said, turning to Tommy. He looked down at you and gave you a weak smile.

"Yeah, she's somethin' else," he said with a nod. "Hey, listen. I'm havin' a get together next week at my house. Little Christmas party, I guess. I invited a guy I met at your parents' house - Josh? He's comin' with his wife, Joel and Sarah'll be there, I'd love for you to come by if you can."

"Josh is my brother in law," you clarified for him. "That sounds great, I'll be there, thank you."

"You're welcome," Tommy said, then his brows pinched together as he opened his mouth again to speak. "Joel might kill me for sayin' this, but you gotta know how happy you've -"

"Ready to go?" Joel asked, sneaking up beside you. Tommy cleared his throat and gave his brother an innocent smile.

"Yep," you replied, dropping your hand to find his at your side, lacing your fingers together and giving him a gentle squeeze.

After saying goodbye to Tommy, Joel slowly led you through the parking lot to his truck, desperately trying to think of something else you could do, not ready to drop you off yet. He knew the time you had together was coming to an end, and he wanted to soak up every precious second. Especially after the way he saw you with Sarah: so warm and sweet and patient. He couldn't remember the last time he saw his daughter's eyes light up that way.

He prided himself on being a good father since his wife left. Always making sure to put Sarah first, that she got everything she could ever want or need. Especially his love. When his ex abandoned them, he made sure Sarah got every ounce of love he had, hoping it would help make up for the loss. But as hard as he tried, he could never fully fill both roles. There were just some things that a mother provided for her daughter that Joel couldn't give.

He didn't realize it until he saw you with Sarah earlier that night, and then it felt like everything shifted into focus for the first time in his life.

He held out his hand to help you get back into his truck, making sure your legs were safely tucked in before he gently shut the door.

Sitting in the driver's seat gripping the steering wheel, he stared straight ahead for a moment in complete silence, the keys still in his coat pocket while his mind reeled.

"Is everything okay?" you asked timidly. He blinked and turned to you.

"Yeah," he said hoarsely. He swallowed and looked at his watch.

"You wanna get coffee or somethin'? I know it's gettin' late but I'm sure some place's open," he said, deep in thought as he considered the cafés nearby.

"Don't you have coffee at your house?" you asked shyly. His eyes snapped up to yours and he saw the flush creeping up your neck and the rapid rise and fall of your chest.

Oh.

"Yeah, yes," he croaked, nervously clearing his throat. "Let's do that. I have- yeah, good idea," he stammered, fumbling with the keys in his pocket.

You smirked as you watched his shaky hand turn the key in the ignition. He twisted around to back out of the parking spot, and this time you gave into temptation, unbuckling your seatbelt so you could slide over and tuck yourself under his arm. He immediately pulled you closer, not even caring that you weren't wearing your seatbelt. He would make sure to drive safe. Nothing could possibly ruin that night. He wouldn't let it.

At stop lights, you would run your hand up his chest and plant small kisses against the corner of his mouth, filling him with a radiating bliss he never felt before.

Once you got back to his house, you shrugged off your sweater and trailed behind him as he made his way into the kitchen. You leaned against the wall and watched as he opened one of the cupboards - the one with the small birds carved into the bottom - and pulled down a can of coffee.

"I don't think I have any decaf," he said turning to look at you.

"I don't want coffee, Joel," you said lowly. He swallowed roughly and put the can on the counter.

"What d'you want, then?"

You pushed yourself off the wall and slowly walked towards him, his eyes skating up and down your body as you approached. Wrapping your arms around his waist, you tilted your face up to gaze at him, your mouth hovering over his own.

"I want you."

His eyes fluttered closed as your lips slotted against his, his rough hands immediately coming up to cup your smooth face, holding you firmly against his mouth. Christ, he would never get tired of kissing you. If he could do it every single day for the rest of his life, he would. He knew it seemed crazy. He knew you just met, but he couldn't help the way you made him feel.

"Let's go upstairs," you whispered, nipping at his lower lip.

He couldn't speak. He just nodded in a daze and let you lead him coyly up the steps, then turned around to walk backwards down the hall towards his bedroom so you could pull him tightly against your body. His big hands gripped your waist while his tongue slipped past your lips, searching for its mate.

You reached behind you blindly, your hand fighting with the doorknob as his big frame caged you in against the wood, his masculine scent invading your senses and making it difficult to think. Finally, the door swung open and you both stumbled in, a giggle erupting from your throat as your fingers got to work undoing the buttons on his dress shirt.

You hurriedly tugged his button down off, leaving it in a heap on the floor as you slid your palms underneath the white t-shirt he had on, feeling the warm skin of his stomach and chest for the first time.

"Off," you whispered, your heart getting stuck in your throat when he yanked the shirt over his head, leaving his upper body completely bare to you. Your mouth went dry as you drank him in, then lunged forward, your lips brushing up his sternum until you reached his collarbone. You sucked on a bit of tanned skin there with a moan, then slipped your tongue out to press wetly against the red mark you left, feeling drunk off the taste of his sweat.

He gently pushed you backwards so he could ease you down onto his bed, his breath growing erratic and desperate with each little bite you left on his chest. God, has anyone ever desired him this much before? Has he really been missing out on this his entire life?

"Baby, we're gonna have to stop soon if you don't want this to go any further," he murmured. He found himself in the familiar position of hovering above you while his hand slid down your leg and toyed with the hem of your dress.

"I don't think I can take much more, tell me to stop," he whispered when you didn't answer, running the tip of his nose softly against your cheek.

"I don't want you to stop," you gasped as his fingers slipped underneath your dress. You tilted your head back and moaned when you felt his fingertips brush against the damp fabric of your panties.

His mouth hungrily devoured the exposed cleavage of your breasts, growing frustrated with the fabric of your dress keeping him from seeing all of you.

"Sit up," he demanded, leaning back and pulling his hand from between your legs. You obeyed, and he made short work of your zipper, pulling it all the way down so you could shimmy out, leaving you in just your underwear.

"Oh, fuck," he whispered when he realized you weren't wearing a bra. You let yourself fall back gently on the bed, spreading your arms out above your head so he could see every inch of you in the moonlight.

He couldn't believe this was actually happening. He kept waiting for his alarm to go off and reality to slap him across the face, but it never came. His heart was pounding so fast, he was sure you could hear it as he leaned back down and nibbled at your exposed jaw while his calloused hand cupped your soft breast, his thumb flicking over your hardening nipple.

You scraped your nails over his shoulders and down his chest as you arched your back, pressing into his hand, needing to feel the heat of his skin against your own. Your stomach flipped as you made your way down to his belt, and with shaky fingers, pulled hastily at the leather.

Yanking the belt through the loops with one swift motion, you flung it across the room, making him chuckle against your skin. When you started to work on popping open the button on his dress pants, a devastating thought suddenly occurred to him.

"Shit, wait," he said, putting his hand on top of yours. You frowned up at him, your chest heaving, as you gave him a confused look.

"I don't have any protection," he said through gritted teeth. He hung his head and squeezed his eyes shut angrily. "I-I haven't been with anyone since my ex, and I never thought... fuck," he said, clenching his jaw.

You weighed your options for about half a second before tugging his chin up, forcing him to look at you.

"I'm still on birth control," you told him, searching his eyes. "I mean, only if you're comfortable with it, we don't have to," you said, but in your head you were chanting please, please, please.

"Are you sure?" he asked, panting for air. "I don't wanna make you feel like -"

"Yes," you said, cutting him off by grabbing his face. "Yes. I'm sure, Joel. Please," you whimpered, pulling him back down to you, his mouth crashing down on yours again.

"Please," you whispered again, tipping your head back as his lips left a trail of soft kisses down your throat. "Please, Joel, I need you."

His mouth stuttered against your neck. Hearing you beg and say you needed him when he never thought he would ever be needed like this in his whole life made his mind go blank.

"Okay," he rasped. "Okay, baby."

He tugged at the zipper on his black pants and pulled them off as quickly as he could without leaving you. You reached down to help him, hooking your fingers over the band of his boxers and shoving them down. He kicked them off before yanking down your panties, dropping them on the floor next to his clothes.

You eagerly spread your legs so he could settle his hips between them. You glanced down with a small gasp when you saw the size of him and you felt your cheeks flare. Jesus Christ.

He didn't seem to notice your reaction when he was too wrapped up in staring at the wet heat between your legs, pulsing and waiting, just for him. He slid a finger gently between your folds, making you moan and your back arch. Fuck, he loved how responsive you were to his touch.

He readjusted so he was kneeling between your legs. His palms slid up your calves, past your knees and to your inner thighs, pressing them down into the mattress so you were spread wide.

He lined himself up at your center, glancing up at you quickly to make sure you were ready. You swallowed and nodded, your eyes filled with desire, desire for him, something he still couldn't fathom but decided not to question. He pressed forward gently, notching himself against you before falling forward on his elbows.

He kissed the tip of your nose as he eased himself inside you, pausing when he heard you gasp and felt you tense under him.

"More," you finally croaked, your nails coming up to rake against his scalp. He let out the breath he was holding and pushed in further, his eyes fluttering shut and his mouth falling open as he felt you slowly stretch around him so perfectly, like you were made just for him.

"Oh, god," he sighed, dropping his face to the crook of your neck after he fully sheathed himself inside you. He dragged his mouth across your chest, leaving a wet trail from his tongue and red marks from his scratchy beard in his wake. He waited until he felt your muscles relax under him before he slowly rolled his hips, dragging himself in and out as his teeth scraped over your tightening nipples. You moaned his name softly, the sound permanently etched in his brain, a sound he will refuse to forget for the rest of his life.

He began to roll his hips faster at your encouragement, becoming obsessed with the way you felt and the sounds you made, and it was all for him. He spent so much of his life giving to everyone around him, he never truly felt like anyone was able or willing to give him what he needed in return until now. The recognition was depressing and freeing at the same time. Now that he finally had what he always wanted, what he always needed, he was going to lose you and there was nothing he could do about it.

Each moan from your throat and each kiss from your lips dragged him down deeper and deeper until he collided head first with the stunning, yet so painfully obvious, realization that he was deliriously in love with you. It was insane, he knew that. But it didn't make it any less true.

"Joel," you gasped, pulling him out of his trance and back to the present.

"Yeah, baby? I'm here. I'm right here," he whispered, planting soft kisses all over your face.

You bit down on your lower lip and squeezed your eyes shut. The sheer intensity behind his gaze coupled with the agony of only getting to experience this for one more short week made tears burn in the backs of your eyes.

You felt your orgasm begin to swell deep in your belly while your breath became more ragged and your vision went spotty. It shouldn't feel this good. This was cruel, to be able to experience something like this just to have it brutally ripped away from you. It wasn't fair, yet you never wanted it to stop.

He could feel it. It's been years, and it was never, ever like this, but he still knew. The way you whimpered and clawed at his back while your walls squeezed him so tightly, he thought he might pass out.

"Open your eyes," he panted. "I wanna look at you."

You forced your eyes open, now unable to hold back the tears that pooled there as two drops trickled down the side of your face, getting lost in your hair.

"It's okay, I got you," he whispered lovingly, staring deep into your eyes, seeing everything you didn't dare say out loud.

"You can let go, baby," he told you, his hips snapping against you ruthlessly, desperate to come at the same time.

You felt the wave rip through you like fire, the power and emotion behind it unlike anything you ever felt before. More tears poured from your eyes as you cried out his name, your thighs squeezing his hips so tightly you weren't sure you would be able to stand after.

He followed seconds later with a deep groan, spilling himself deep inside you while murmuring praise and wiping away your tears with his thumb.

"Why're you cryin', did I hurt you?" he asked, his voice filled with so much concern that it broke your heart. You shook your head, wiping the tears away with the back of your hand, but fresh ones just took their place.

"C'mon, talk to me," he urged, leaning up a bit as he softened inside you.

"What are we gonna do, Joel?" you blubbered pathetically. He took a shaky breath in and tenderly tucked your hair behind your ear.

"I don't know, baby, but we'll figure somethin' out. We gotta," he said with a sigh.

"I can't lose you," you whispered, pressing your forehead against his and closing your eyes.

"You'll never lose me, I can promise you that," he replied, pressing a gentle kiss against your swollen lips.

He waited until your tears slowed down before sliding out of you with a hiss. Rolling off to your side, he wrapped his arms around your middle and pulled you close against his chest, and as you finally drifted off in his embrace, he thought about all of the options available before you, determined to find a solution.

Tag list: @lola8888673 @pedropascalsbbg @nandan11 @sushiumex @serenadingtigers @jjlevin @survivingandenduring @amyispxnk @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @merz-8 @wonyoungismind @fandomscollide @anoverwhelmingdin @cayleejx16 @msjjekyll @lizzie-cakes @hexedbywanda @harriedandharassed @joeldjarin - lmk if i missed anyone, if your name is crossed out it means it won't let me tag you

[cryptidsurveys]

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2024.

Are you afraid of the dark? For the most part, no. I tend to find it comforting and cozy. However, I still get a little spooked out by my basement, the woods, and even my own dark home if I've just watched something scary.

Do you watch American Horror Story? I think I watched the first three seasons.

Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? It does. I've posted a link before, but I don't feel like looking it up again.

What’s the scariest nightmare you remember having? Dreams involving missing or injured cats, my dad experiencing health issues, or a certain ex-partner. As for the last, it's not that those dreams are "scary" in the traditional sense, but they open up such a huge pit of regret and sadness - like I can't believe I'm cycling through this again.

Are you medicated? Do migraine meds count? Or Tums (I decided to take some earlier because my stomach has been such a mess these past few days. Idk what's going on…)? As for prescribed meds, I haven't been on anything like that since…2019…early 2020…?

Does your family/friends have a nickname for you? No, but sometimes my mom will call me "pumpkin" or some similar term of endearment.

Who’s some of your favorite YouTubers? Red Web, Brothers of the Serpent, Abroad In Japan, Sharmeleon, Fall of Civilizations, French Whisperer, Lights Out Library, Astrum, Belief Hole, Essential Salts, Hammerson Peters, History of Humankind, History of the Earth, History of the Universe, Isaac Arthur, John Michael Godier, Let's Talk Religion, Mr. Mythos, SEA, Where Did the Road Go? Radio, Tasting History with Max Miller, The Histocrat, Randall Carlson, Tokidoki Traveller, Unnatural Vegan…

Do you have any bad habits? Smoking, people-pleasing, overthinking, being lazy, procrastinating, fearing the worst, etc.

What did you get for Christmas? My mom asked me what I wanted and I told her "cute measuring cups" because I've been really into baking lately.

Do you have any phobias? I haaate calling people on the phone. Obviously not my parents, but if I had to call the animal shelter or make an appointment or something…ugh. I don't know why it's so hard for me. Oh, and cave diving (I would rather die).

What’s one of your biggest pet peeves?

Are there any scented candles in the room you’re in? There are a couple. One is evergreen and the other is lime, grapefruit, and bergamot.

Pancakes or French toast? Both are delicious, but I think I'm in more of a French toast mood atm. Even with my jacked up stomach.

Did you have anything for breakfast today? My usual oatmeal bowl.

Are there any apps you’re addicted to? YouTube. Honestly don't know what I would do without it…or how I would sleep.

Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? I had a few different favorites over the years.

Do you still collect stuffed animals? Aside from Beanie Babies, I didn't really collect stuffed animals.

How do you feel about Spongebob? Actually a pretty great cartoon.

Do you have any nervous habits? Mostly just picking at my nails.

What drink do you normally order at Starbucks? I don't have a usual drink order. I think I got a chestnut praline latte the last time I went there, though.

Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows? Nothing major. Just pluck them occasionally or brush them a bit with a comb so they're not all wonky.

Which way do you face in the shower? I face away from the showerhead. Feels easier to tilt my head back to wash / rinse my hair, I guess. Idk.

What’s your favorite comfort food to eat? Suddenly strongly craving spaghetti and garlic bread.

What do you wear to bed? Sweats or pajama pants, t-shirts, and a hoodie if it's chilly.

Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? Uhh…I think Josh left one of his shirts here and I just never bothered to give it back? Or he gave it to me while we were still together? Or…tbh, I don't recall exactly how I ended up with it.

What’s the last movie you watched at home? Nooo idea.

What’s the last movie you watched in theaters? Wicked.

Do you/did you ever have a Neopets account? No.

When’s the last time you were camping? Years ago. :'(

Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? Possibly while on camping trips as a child.

If you do drink, what’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? I rarely drink, but maybe wine.

Are there any songs you’ve been listening to repetitively lately? No.

What’s your favorite coffee mug look like? It's white with a picture of a calico kitty and it says "Meowy Christmas."

Do you have any pets? Three kitties.

Are you passive-aggressive? Not really.

Do you have social anxiety? Yeah. Which is sad because I think I'm somewhat of a social / people person at heart. I just can't seem to let my guard down or whatever.

Have you ever had fried pickles? I don't think so. I would definitely be willing to try them, though.

Where’s your favorite place to go out to eat? Cracker Barrel, Chili's, Black Eyed Pea, Ruby Tuesday, Shamrock Brewing Co, Olive Garden, Angelo's Pizza, Mongolian Grill…

Do you like plaid button-ups? Eh.

Do you have any Valentine’s Day plans? No.

Have you/would you ever go bungee jumping? I might be convinced to try it.

What’s the last theme park you visited? Elitch Gardens.

Cereal, granola, or oatmeal? Oatmeal.

[dragonagelesbian]

List 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people who liked/reblogged something from you. Get to know your followers and mutuals!

Hiii @ner-vod!

5 things that make me happy.... Hmm. It's kind of hard to answer this at the moment because I'm quite depressed lately, but there are definitely some things that make my days much more bearable and enjoyable.

5. Studying Japanese

I've been studying Japanese for the past 4 years, and managed to pass N3 December 2022. I started just because I found it fun and to challenge the mindset that you can't learn difficult languages as an adult, and have kept up with it since! I genuinely enjoy learning it, teasing out the small subtleties of the language, and using it to communicate with others!

Recently, I've been watching JBL without subtitles to get used to it, with some mixed results haha, but I can definitely follow along much better! I watched the Utsukushii Kare movie at Bucheon International Film Festival last year with only korean subtitles (I don't speak any Korean) and managed to understand the plot okay!

4. Discovering new queer media

I think we've been blessed with new and more mainstream forms of queer media the past few years, especially the past 5-10 years. Teenage me who only really had Junjou Romantica and Queer Eye could NOT have imagined something like Young Royals or Skam, European queer dramas, becoming so mainstream. I can't believe we got the Given and Cherry Magic animes! I still can't quite comprehend that we have such incredible openly queer musicians. Some of my favorites at the moment are Rina Sawayama, Orville Peck, Lil Nas X, Samantha Hudson (please check out this Spanish artist!!), among others. And, of course, Southeast Asian Boys Love has taken the world by storm, to my utter joy! I'm so happy that we've seen the genre evolve so much, with many more voices joining behind and in front of the cameras.

3. Eating good food

I'm a huge food lover, and I love both making and eating new dishes. When I went to Korea last summer, I was having the time of my life just discovering delicious, cheap meals that I'd never tried before. Now that I'm at university at [school] with so many international students, we often have lovely pot lucks and all share food together. I'm happy that I'm at a point of my eating disorder recovery journey where I still struggle, but I get to enjoy food more.

2. Helping people

Last year, I finally worked for the first time as a psychologist. It was only an internship, but I got to directly aid others who were struggling, and it was an incredible experience. It's just so world-changing to see and hear people, and give them all you can. I was also part of my student union at undergrad, and loved seeing my impact on students who might have otherwise struggled. I think realizing how much I love making a contribution to others has made me more aware of what I want to work in once I graduate my master's.

My loved ones

Especially my girlfriend, closest friends (hey there @oatmealcoloured) and family. I truly would not be here without them, period. They're the only things that keep me going sometimes. Thank you.

[the-firebird69]

People have questions about it and need the answers. How can you build those shifts without taking people over he'd have to be watching the whole time and he would have the technology

Thor Freya

He has a limited version but like everybody else and we haven't seen any discharge like it and we haven't seen the plant discharge but we do understand this more powerful and watching a cartoon but we know it's been cartoonized and you can tell it's far too much detail in it and that's why our cartoons were cool

And by the way that was during the '80s and we didn't see that discharge back then but we do see a lot of stuff that happens from the future movies

Preston

This is all pretty nasty stuff this guy Tommy f is a loser there's a lot of stuff going on it's a big mess and people losing stuff all over the world and we do see we'd rather have the computer in charge but tell me if was not watching this stuff and does not have that tech. We have this end of it covered and he came up with it and he said he probably not make it on the ship but then again he can put a secret chamber in there so it's pretty smart and the ship would defend itself and friend people off and maybe after AI so they wouldn't attack it and it's very powerful people just disappear and it's in a movie for Christ's sake I was starting to see something big names have been disappearing and nothing happens but back then it would but we don't think good names went down there and people are checking now I know I lost a bunch of people and that Dave is very very sick and he's gone he's more sick than anybody I've ever seen and I know it's true cuz he was saying it nobody leaves them alone everyone wants it even this kid here and he thinks he's above me all the time without doubt and I can't stand it anymore he said everybody's got to go and so I know he's doing and we're going to have a fun time with this he said the planet is within range December 25th and it's just about out of it but it's still there and it's true I'm getting to work now

Big Joe

I can't believe this I have to get to work

Shaquille O'Neal

We do too makes more sense we know about it

Olympus

This is a heartbreaker but I got to tell people what to do that's a nightmare what he's saying these people are scaring people but they do this all the time even the kid and Dave was upset when I say just one of you you deal with it he said okay

Mac Daddy

Olympus

[officialaemondtargaryen]

Home For The Holidays

Summary: Eddie's band is on tour and can't make it home for the holidays.

Characters: Eddie Munson x Reader (can be read as gender neutral)

Word Count: 2.3k

Trigger Warning: Eddie and Dustin are conniving, per my usual works.

Author’s Note: Happy birthday, Sam (@felteppsters). This is the first part of your birthday/Christmas gift.

He said, "I'm not going to be able to make it."

When Eddie left for his first headlining tour, he made a promise to you that he would be home for just five days out of the six months that he would be on the road; a short break the week of Christmas so that the bands and crew were able to spend time with their families.

"They added more dates to the tour," he continued after a few moments of silence. He was calling from a payphone somewhere near Kansas City, and he could sense your disappointment even though he was over five hundred miles away.

You knew that it wasn't his fault. Corroded Coffin gained significant popularity after their last tour opening up for Metallica and the demand to see them was overwhelming. There were four new dates; Kansas City, Minneapolis, Denver, and Salt Lake, before the band got a one-day break for Christmas Day and were to be in Seattle on December 26th.

"Y/N," he sighed. "Say something."

"I know how much this means to you, Eddie." You told him, your voice doing nothing to hide the fact that your heart was in your stomach. "I'm so proud of you."

The line went quiet and you could hear the faint sound of static and Eddie's breathing in your ear. Your burning eyes fluttered shut at the sound, forcing a tear to drop to your cheek. You were proud of him. You at least hoped that he believed that. In the ten years that you had known Eddie and the four years that you had been dating, he had never once disappointed you- and the one time that he had, today, was out of his control.

"When I get ho-" You could hear Gareth's voice in the background yelling for Eddie to hurry up. "Shit, I have to go." He said, there was more yelling. "Shut the hell up! I'm coming! Gareth and Jeff need to call their folks."

"It's okay." You frowned.

"I love you," he said sincerely. "And Y/N? Nothing means more to me than you." The corners of your lips pulled up into a small smile.

"I love you, too!"

The phone line disconnected and you felt empty. All you could do was stare at the little Christmas tree that you had put up and decorated yourself and the presents underneath, all with his name on them. You had argued about whether or not you would put up the tree without him, as it had been a little tradition of yours since you had moved into this house with him three years ago. He wanted you to wait, you wanted him to come home to presents under the tree. You remember him laughing to himself over the phone, could practically picture him shaking his head, knowing that it was pointless to argue about it- you were going to do what you want.

A sigh escaped your lips as you wiped your dampened cheeks. It was a little past noon, and you were still in your pajamas. You had cleaned the house spotless for Eddie's arrival, leaving you nothing to keep your mind busy now that he wasn't going to be here.

You picked up the phone and dialed Robin, but her line immediately went busy. So you dialed Steve, but it should have been obvious to you that his line would also be busy. You dialed Nancy and Jonathan answered only to tell you that she was at work. Your head fell back with a frustrated groan.

"I think everyone forgot that it is my birthday." You muttered to yourself. "Even my own boyfriend."

The moment that you had conceded to spending the day on the couch, wallowing in your misery, in the same pajamas you had been wearing for two days while watching VHS Christmas movies, there was a knock on the front door. You hurried to the door and peered through the glass to see a very familiar head of curly hair standing on your front porch with his hands in his pockets.

"Dustin?" You asked as you hurriedly opened the door. "What are you doing here, wait- how did you get here?"

The younger boy looked at you quizzically before holding up a set of car keys. "I'm eighteen and I can drive."

"Shit," you laughed rubbing your eyes. "I sometimes forget that you're not fourteen anymore."

"So does my mom," he replied and shoved past you, making himself at home in your kitchen before you could even say 'come in'.

"Well, what's up?" You asked. "You know Eddie isn't going to make it home this week, right?"

"I heard", Dustin replied from inside your refrigerator. Your eyes narrowed. "I figured you were going to be super depressed since it's your birthday and all, so here I am!" He said turning to you and holding out his arms. "Damnit, all you have to eat is leftovers?" He moved over to your cabinets. "And cereal?"

"Sorry to disappoint you?"

That was when Dustin turned back to you and really took in your appearance. "You really are depressed, aren't you?"

"No, no." You huffed. "I'm not depressed. It's just early."

"It's almost one!" He objected. "Go change out of your PJ's and we can go get a pizza. My treat." You narrowed your eyes once more, wondering when this boy became an adult who felt like he could tell you what to do. "Well, go!"

"Okay!"

Not wanting to argue with him, you made a beeline to your bedroom and threw together an outfit. You emerged a few moments later and the younger boy was staring at your Christmas tree and shoving a handful of Froot Loops in his mouth.

"There's something missing." He said with his mouth full.

"I was waiting for Eddie to get home to put the star on top since I couldn't reach." You replied with a frown. "Maybe later I can get the step-stool out and you can put it on, Short-Stack."

"Screw you," he sneered. "I don't see anyone else offering to take you out to lunch on your birthday."

"You're absolutely right, kiddo." You laughed. "Let's go."

Dustin was able to keep your mind off Eddie for most of the day. He had taken you to the brand new Surfer Boy Pizza that had just opened up near the new mall in Hawkins before you both met up with Mike and El for a movie. Once Nancy had gotten off from work, she and Jonathan joined the four of you for dinner at Antonio's. She had asked about Steve and Robin, but Dustin made an excuse for the two of them. Truth be told, you had no clue where they were other than what Dustin told you, "they were otherwise engaged, but wished they were able to make it." The whole thing was odd, but you were just happy to not be alone on your birthday.

Jonathan had the idea to check out Christmas lights in Loch Nora as the sun began to set. You stopped at a gas station for some cheap hot chocolate which probably wasn't the best idea after the fact. Once you had driven through the entire neighborhood and the one over, you mentioned making your way home, but Dustin and Mike had other ideas.

"Why don't we all come over and play a game or something?" Dustin mentioned, inviting the entire party over to your house.

"Dustin, it's getting late, I don't think we have time for a D&D campaign tonight." You replied with a yawn.

"Come on, Y/N." Mike urged. "We're having such a great time, don't you want to end it on a high note?"

At this point you realized that something was up, you could not accept the fact that your jerky friends really just didn't want you to spend any part of your birthday alone, despite what they said.

"What the hell, sure!" You replied, throwing your hands up in defeat.

Dustin decided to take the long way home through another neighborhood because El mentioned that she would like to see more Christmas lights. Jonathan and Nancy followed closely behind in their own car as Dustin made his way through not one, not two, but three additional neighborhoods to see the lights.

When he finally pulled up to the curb outside of your house, you were exhausted. Keeping up with a bunch of teenagers took the life right out of you.

"I don't know how much fun I'm going to be," you mentioned as you unlocked the deadbolt. "But you're all welcome to stay for as long as you-"

"SURPRISE!"

The lights flickered on to reveal Robin, Steve, Lucas, Max, Erica, and Will with balloons and party hats and a cake that had way, too many candles on it.

"Before anything else happens," Robin stated. "Please blow out these candles so that they are no longer a fire hazard!"

You were utterly speechless as Steve ushered you over to the cake. "Make a wish!" He said softly as he put his arm around you.

You closed your eyes and made your wish.

And even though you knew that it was impossible, you still wished that Eddie could have been there.

"Happy Birthday!" Max yelled when you opened your eyes.

"How did you guys even get in here?" You said as you wrapped her up in a hug.

"I picked the lock, obviously." She shrugged as you moved to hug Lucas and Erica.

"She did not pick the lock," Steve added. "Because that would be breaking and entering and that's illegal, even if it would have been for a good cause." Max rolled her eyes and went to refill her cup.

"Where have you two been?" You asked Steve and Robin.

"We had to go pick up your gift!" Robin replied, hopping up on your counter and sticking her finger in the cake frosting.

"My gift?" You asked. "You didn't have to get me anything, your company is enough."

"Oh, we know." She replied with a sly smile. "This gift kind of forced our hand."

You looked at Steve for answers but he was looking over your shoulder. Your heart was hammering against your chest as you turned slowly to see Eddie standing in the middle of your living room with a silver bow sitting atop his head.

"How?" You gasped and before he could say anything, you leaped for him, wrapping your arms around his neck and your legs around his middle.

"Hi," was all that he was able to say in between the hundred kisses that you placed upon his lips. "I missed you, too."

"You said that you weren't going to be able to make it!" You exclaimed. "You had a show tonight!"

"We were able to postpone it," he replied. "Another band took our place and we're going to honor the tickets on another date." He took your chin in between his index finger and thumb and made you look at him. "I made a promise to you, and even though I have to be at the airport at 6:00 AM tomorrow, I couldn't miss your birthday."

"I love you so much." You told him.

"I love you, too." He replied as he sealed a kiss to your lips.

One by one, your friends filtered out of your home. You thanked each and every one of them for the best birthday that you could have ever asked for and made plans for them to come over on Christmas Eve for dinner and presents.

"You planned this didn't you?" You asked Dustin as you stood at the front door with him. "You knew the whole time." He only shrugged before winking terribly. You pulled him in for a hug and raked your knuckles over his scalp before letting him go. "See ya later, Shorty."

He stepped out onto the front porch and turned back to give you the middle finger. "Happy birthday, Asshole."

You closed the door behind him and locked the deadbolt, turning to see Eddie standing at the Christmas tree. You came up behind him and wrapped your arms around his middle, your head resting on his back. If you could just stay in this moment forever, and live in this happiness that you felt, you would. You would never let him go if you didn't have to.

"Babe, where's the star?" He asked curiously, his eyebrows furrowed.

"I couldn't reach it," you replied. "And it didn't feel right to finish without you."

He turned around to face you with your arms still wrapped around him. "You are so cute, you know?" He asked as he removed your arms from him and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

Eddie bent down to the box of Christmas decorations still sitting next to the tree and pulled out the star. He stuck it on top of the tree and plugged it into the outlet and suddenly the living room was filled with a beautiful yellow glow.

"Wait a minute," Eddie said, bending back down to the box of decorations. "You didn't want to put this ornament on the tree? But it's my favorite one!"

"Hm?" You turned to him to see Eddie on one knee with a dainty, diamond ring in his hands. "Oh," the breath was taken right out of your lungs. "Eddie-"

"Y/N," He began. "I wasn't planning on doing this until I got home from the tour, but I couldn't wait. When I said that there is nothing more important to me than you, I meant it. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

"I was already planning on it." You replied excitedly, meeting his lips with yours.

Eddie slipped the ring over your finger and laced his fingers with yours. "Happy birthday, Y/N. I love you."

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Reggie//i can't let you go now that i got it

Request: your last reggie mantle imagine was soooooo cute it was.... BIG FAV i'm still grinning! could you please do one where reader and reggie have been best friends their whole lives? she's super protective and sweet to him and like? she's been in love for years but has been hiding it well?? she gets him to come away with her to college because 'screw this town' and they live together? but eventually she starts going on dates and it makes him realize he's in love with her too?? mutual love confession

hey! so before you go any further trigger warning mentions of abuse, specifically around reggie and his dad. it’s not in detail but it is mentioned a few times so don’t read if that upsets you. the last thing i want you to be is sad. i hope you all have a good day anyway, whether you’re reading this or not! (title is from Børns ‘electric love’)

- For 18 years 

- Reggie Mantle has been the only constant in your life 

- Even when you were babies he was there 

- Your mom’s sat beside each other in baby class, cooing and awing over each other’s kids

- All while 6 month old you stole 6 month old Reggie’s toy

- And then he cried so hard he vomited on not only himself but you as well 

- Which then made you cry even louder 

- And then your mom’s were asked to leave 

- So instead

- It became a weekly thing for your mom to take you to The Mantle’s 

- While her and Mrs Mantle gossiped and drank tea 

- You and Reggie would hit each other with various stuffed toys. 

- As you got older 

- The weekly visits turned into daily ones 

- Especially when you moved three houses away from him

- You and Reggie started to see each other more than your own parents did

- Your mom still went over once a week

- But when she arrived you were always usually there

- Either stood in the kitchen getting a snack 

- Or lying on Reggie’s bed watching an awful movie he just ‘had to show you’ 

- They usually involved a hybrid of two animals

- Sometimes mythical, sometimes not 

- But in all of them they were usually taking over the world

- They also always had the same four actors in

- But despite how much you protested 

- ‘reggie? are you being serious? we watched this one last time.’ 

- ‘no, we watched molemaid last time. this is medusamaid. they’re completely different’ 

- ‘oh, sorry. my mistake’

- You actually secretly loved them 

- Because they made him happy

- You would watch in awe as he laughed at stupid jokes 

- And how his eyes would always light up at a particularly gruesome part, no matter how badly CGI’d it was

- You also listened to the countless of theories as to how ‘hurrik9’ is clearly the prequel to ‘hellhounds’ because ‘they’ve got the same main character! it doesn’t matter if they’re not played by the same person. y/n, they’ve got the same name.’ 

- You also listened to him complain about the inconsistencies between ‘werewombats 1’ and ‘werewombats 2’

- ‘no matter how much the director stands by the decision to make them turn on each other, despite the first film clearly stating that that’s the last thing they’d do.’ 

- But the thing you loved the most about it 

- Was that he was only ever this way with you

- You’d been sworn to secrecy when you walked in on him watching ‘dinocano vs uniquake’ 

- And you promised never to tell anyone about his secret passion

- Or the fact that he had a stack of notebooks filled with plots and mini scripts for his own films. 

- Reggie may have gotten popular

- But to you, he’s still the same Reggie you’ve always known.

- Whose scared of clowns but won’t admit it

- And cried when watching Edward Scissorhands but if anybody asks it was you

- And who hates hot chocolate, but its the only thing he’ll drink when he’s sick 

- He also only eats pink marshmallows in months ending in R

- And white ones every other month 

- But in December he has both...because its Christmas.

- Yeah, you and Reggie are best friends 

- Always have been, always will

- But it doesn’t stop you from wanting more.

- It doesn’t stop the longing looks when you think no one is watching 

- Or the lingering touches whenever he hugs you

- It doesn’t stop your heartbeat picking up whenever he walks into a room

- Or how you forget how to breathe whenever he looks at you

- You look forward to everyday, even if you have a pop quiz or homework you only remembered the night before

- Because he’s going to be there to make you smile

- Even if he isn’t doing it on purpose 

- You look forward to the countless of texts he sends

- No matter how weird or ridiculous 

- Like when he text you at half three in the morning to ask if birds were real because somebody told him they weren’t.

- You then got a text straight afterwards telling you that it would be great idea for a plot

- And you still answer every single one

- No matter how stupid they are 

- It’s really a wonder how you get any sleep with your phone being on loud all the time

- But it’s worth it

- Especially when you get texts like 

- ‘he’s done it again’ 

- Reggie’s relationship with his father complicated to say the least

- You remember when you were younger they used to be best friends 

- Reggie idolized him 

- And you’d have conversations in Reggie’s tree house, about how much he wanted to be just like his dad when he grew up

- But when he did grow up

- And started to develop a personality that didn’t just revolve around football 

- Reggie no longer wanted to be just like his dad 

- He wanted to be the furthest thing from him

- The first time it happened 

- Reggie tried his hardest to hide it from you 

- And for the first time in 8 years 

- You went two days without seeing each other 

- On the third day though 

- You’d had enough 

- So you went round to see him 

- But when you asked his mom if he was in 

- She lied and told you he had just gone out 

- Even though you could clearly see him trying and failing to hide on the stairs

- So you did what any normal friend would do 

- You climbed through his bedroom window 

- With about as much grace and steal as you could muster 

- Which surprisingly, wasn’t a lot

- And you gave him the fright of his life 

- ‘what the hell are you doing here?’ 

- ‘you’re avoiding me’ 

- ‘i’m not. i’ve just been...busy’ 

- ‘doing what? fighting?’ 

- ‘what?’

- ‘your eye’ 

- ‘oh yeah...that’ 

- That was when you knew something was wrong 

- You’ve known Reggie your entire laugh 

- And you know the three things he’ll always boast about 

- Girls, football and fighting 

- ‘what happened?’ 

- When he told you 

- You couldn’t believe what he was saying 

- You wanted to find Marty Mantle and give him a black eye...see how he likes it 

- But Reggie begged you not to do or say anything 

- ‘it’ll only make it worse’ 

- ‘but its wrong. he should be locked up’

- ‘who’s going to believe me?’ 

- ‘me’ 

- ‘see...it was only one time anyway’ 

- So you agreed, reluctantly 

- And you so wanted to believe it

- But then a few weeks later he turned up to school with a bust lip

- A month after that another bruise around his eye that he tried to hide behind sunglasses 

- And by the time graduation rolled around 

- Both of you had lost count of the sunglasses and excuses 

- For three years he’d been trapped in a house with a father who thought hitting was the same as love 

- And a mother who pretended it didn’t happen 

- But now college was round the corner and that meant a chance for both of you

- Or at least thats what you thought

- ‘you didn’t get in?’ 

- ‘i didn’t get in.’ 

- ‘to any of them?’ 

- ‘nope’

- ‘reggi-’

- ��it’s fine. my dad has always wanted me to work for him. i guess this will make him happy. even if i am the cleaner’ 

- ‘reg-’ 

- ‘please go’

- That summer was the longest one of your life 

- It was even longer that the time Reggie had to get his appendix out and so you couldn’t hang out for a 3 weeks.

- For two and a half months 

- You heard nothing from Reggie 

- You text, called, DM’d and even E-mailed

- But you got nothing 

- You went round at all times of the day to try and talk to him

- And every time Mrs Mantle answered and told you he was either out or busy

- Doing homework was her favourite excuse

- And Reggie has only ever done homework when you were doing the majority of it 

- You even tried climbing in through his window again 

- But he locked it 

- So you watched every morning as he dragged himself into his dad’s car

- Wearing a stiff suit and a miserable expression 

- No matter how hard you tried to get to him before the left 

- How fast you ran or how early you got to his house

- They were always long gone before you managed to get anywhere close to him

- You missed the midnight texts about nothing 

- You missed his stupid jokes 

- You missed watching an entire room light up whenever he walked in

- You missed the way he made you feel, even if he was unaware of it 

- You even missed watching his god-awful movies 

- You just missed him 

- And when he missed your leaving party 

- That was the final straw

- At 7am the next morning 

- You shoved the last of your boxes in the back of your car 

- Said goodbye to your parents 

- And drove away

- Three houses down the street 

- Making sure your parents had gone back inside before stopping 

- You sat outside for a few minutes 

- Trying to think of what to do or say 

- You knew his mom would answer the door

- And that you’d get the same excuses 

- You also knew from the past few experiences that his window would still be locked 

- So you threw rocks at his bedroom window in the hopes that when he’d check to see what it was, he’d leave it unlocked 

- And he did! 

- You watched from behind a bush as he hung his head out the window to look around

- His brow furrowed and hair messy

- Clearly he’d just woke up

- You couldn’t help the smile twitching at your lips 

- You’d missed that face 

- Climbing the window was a lot harder than it used to be 

- Mr Mantle had taken the ladders away 

- Another reason as to why he sucked

- But you managed eventually 

- And you almost died only twice 

- Which is good 

- It’s better than three 

- You landed on the carpet with a loud thud that made him jump half way across the room

- ‘y/n. what the hell are you doing here?’

- ‘it’s moving day. and i must say i’m very disappointed at the lack of preparation on your part. have you even started packing yet?’

- ‘it’s not funny y/n’

- ‘i know. do you see me laughing?’

- ‘i’m being serious y/n. just leave’ 

- ‘no’ 

- ‘what?’

- ‘the last time you told me to leave, i listened and i didn’t see you for two months, so no’ 

- ‘what about college’ 

- ‘what about it?’ 

- ‘it starts in three days’ 

- ‘i know. and if we stand here any longer we’re going to miss it. so get packed and lets go. it’s a nine hour drive and i’m not doing all of that alone’ 

- ‘you know i can’t go’ 

- ‘says who?’ 

- ‘my dad, every single college i applied for and me’ 

- ‘listen to me reggie. you are my best friend, you have been since we were babies. there’s not a part of my life you haven’t been in. do you really think that would stop at college?’ 

- ‘we didn’t spend the summer together’ 

- ‘and it was the worst summer of my life’ 

- ‘same...but that might have been because i was spending 12 hours a day in an office’ 

- ‘rude. but i’ll take it!’ 

- ‘i did miss you though. it was weird not seeing your face everyday’ 

- That makes your cheeks heat up and you have to force the flutter in your chest to go away

- ‘it always cheers me up’ 

- There it goes again and you want to claw at your chest until it’s no longer there 

- Hope is a terrible thing to have when you’ve been in love with your best friend for your entire life

- ‘you always cheer me up’ 

- Oh dear...

- ‘i love you...a-as a friend. this summer has been the longest and most depressing for both of us. i don’t want to live the rest of my life like that. i need you reggie. so please pack your bags, say screw you to your dad and to this town and lets go’ 

- ‘what about money? where am i going to live?’ 

- ‘we’ll figure that out on the way there. just hurry up’ 

- And he did 

- You and Reggie threw the majority of his belongings into any bag you could find

- He took all the money he’d been saving out of the poorly disguised fake plant

- And wrote a nice little note for his parents 

- You also may have added a few choice words to it 

- But what Reggie doesn’t know won’t hurt him 

- And the two of you climbed into your car and never looked back

- The 9 hour car ride was the most fun you’ve ever had 

- It was like you were trying to fit the entire summer you’d lost into those few hours 

- It was filled with off key singing 

- And stories of your summer 

- His favourite being about Archie being tricked into going skinny dipping by himself

- You laughed loudly like nothing had happened 

- And cried silently because everything had 

- Thankfully when you arrived on campus, it was already night 

- So you managed to sneak Reggie into your room

- And when you nervously told your roommate 

- She just grinned at you

- ‘it’s fine, my boyfriend will probably be staying over a lot too’ 

- ‘oh, he’s not my boyfriend’ 

- ‘we’re not together’ 

- ‘...okay’ 

- She said with a knowing smile and you and Reggie shared a look

- And a year filled with adventures started

- Reggie got a job as a bartender with a little help from Veronica 

- And you started your classes 

- But nothing is ever easy 

- At least not when it involves you or Reggie 

- It turns out hiding a whole human is a lot more difficult that you anticipated. 

- It involves Reggie squeezing into your closet 

- And a whole team of people to get him to and from the showers 

- But it was also difficult for another reason

- Because it was easy to hide your feelings from him when you lived in separate house 

- But now you’re sharing a room

- And a bed 

- And every time he would wrap his arms around you 

- And pull in for a half asleep cuddle 

- You’d forget how to breathe 

- You’ve never been more excited to wake up

- Because he’d be all messy hair and parted lips with just a little bit of drool coming out of them that it would be cute instead of gross 

- And when he said good morning in the same deep, tired voice 

- You wanted to live in that feeling forever 

- But then 2nd year rolled around and everything changed 

- It all started when you moved into your own apartment 

- You knew you had to but there was a part of you that hoped you could keep everything the same 

- You found a tiny, two bedroom flat that you could both just about afford 

- Reggie was so happy to have his own room

- ‘i won’t have to sleep next to you and your freezing cold feet anymore’ 

- ‘i’ll just sneak into your bed when your fast asleep and put them on you then instead’ 

- ‘i thought we were supposed to be friends’ 

- It took a few weeks to get used to an empty bed 

- But eventually you started to sleep properly 

- And it was quite nice to have your own space again

- It meant you could study without having to listen to ‘nighthawk nightmare’ 

- Honestly, you don’t really know what the plot of that one is 

- But you’ve still seen it 7 times 

- You may be in love with him but it doesn’t mean he can’t be annoying sometimes 

- And you were happy with going back to admiring from afar

- Your heart can’t get broken that way

- In fact a small part of you thought he felt the same way 

- That one glimmer of hope you felt a year ago

- Came back all of sudden 

- And soon 

- You became aware of the lingering touches 

- And the gifts he’d buy you just because 

- He also asked what you wanted to watch for your movie night 

- And he’s never, ever done that unless you were sad or sick

- And even then, when you broke your arm a few years ago, he chose the film

- The way he looked at you suddenly felt different 

- You would feel him staring, but when you would check he would always be scrolling through his phone 

- And you’re sure the was a little bit of flirtiness in his tone whenever he spoke to you 

- But just because you think you can’t be burnt if you stand far enough away from the fire 

- Doesn’t mean that the sparks can’t jump out and get you anyway 

- Because all of sudden Reggie started bringing girls home 

- And every time you saw a t-shirt that wasn’t yours on the sofa 

- Or a pair of shoes discarded by the door

- You felt yourself die a little

- After a few weeks of this 

- Something in you snapped

- You’d spent the majority of your life pining after some boy who saw you as nothing more than a friend 

- And sometimes a small part of you thought as just an escape route

- So you moped for a few weeks before deciding it was finally time to move on

- Reggie would only ever see you as a friend 

- And that’s fine 

- The only way to move on, is to move on. 

- So you waited for the right guy to move on with 

- And there were a few 

- But none of them were right 

- Until you met Daniel 

- Sweet Daniel with curly brown hair and dimples

- Who studied history 

- And spent his days sitting in the coffee shop on campus

- For a few weeks the two of you spent your short interactions stealing glances and exchanging shy smiles 

- That evolved to small talk with flirty undertones

- Until finally he asked you out 

- And you said yes 

- And you kept saying yes to each date afterwards 

- They were fun too

- He’d take you to museum's and on picnics and at night he’d pick you up and you’d go star gazing 

- He would make you laugh when he’d tell you a joke 

- And make you blush when he’s whisper in your ear while staring up at the sky 

- But he wasn’t him

- And that killed you

- It doesn’t matter how many time he takes you to watch some unknown indie film thats supposed to be the greatest thing ever made

- It has nothing on standing outside the only cinema in town that’s showing ‘sharkcano vs tigerana’ in the freezing cold with Reggie wearing an absolutely ridiculous costumes that Reggie threw together last minute and somehow roped you into wearing too.

- But what hurt even more was watching how Reggie acted around you when you and Daniel started dating 

- He looked hurt whenever he saw the two of you together 

- And you would watch him roll his eyes whenever you mentioned him 

- Until eventually he would just avoid you all together 

- Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone when you’re living in the same 2 bedroom flat that barely gives two foot to yourself? 

- It’s hard 

- But Reggie finds a way 

- Eventually you’re more roommates than friends 

- And you really don’t know how much more you can take 

- You feel like you’re about to break 

- And Daniel can see that too

- So on Friday night he invites you to go drinking with him and his friends instead of staying in and moping 

- ‘bye, i’m going out’ 

- ‘wait’ 

- The speed of which he runs from his room and into the living room where your stood, startles you to say the least 

- ‘what?’

- ‘don’t go out with him.’ 

- ‘why not? what ever george has told you about is a lie. george does that. he once told a bunch of people that you streaked in an old people’s home and almost killed his grandmother’ 

- ‘because he isn’t me’ 

- You’ve dreamt of those words 

- Built them up in your head for years 

- But in all of your daydreams, there’s never been a scenario like this one 

- Not one where you’re about to leave to go on a date with another guy 

- ‘reggie? what are you talking about?’ 

- You need to make sure he’s saying what you think he’s saying 

- Because you can feel yourself hoping again

- And you know if he doesn’t mean what you want him to

- You don’t think you’ll be able to recover

- ‘i love you y/n. you’re my best friend, you always have been, you always will be and i love you.’ 

- ‘reg-’ 

- ‘please tell me you feel the same way’ 

- ‘i-’ 

- In your head you had a full oscar worthy speech planned out just in case this ever happened 

- But now you’re here in the moment. 

- You have no idea what to say

- ‘it doesn’t matter. just leave’ 

- ‘no’ 

- ‘what?’ 

- ‘do you really think i’m going to walk away from you after that? when have i ever walked away from you?’ 

- ‘i-no’

- ‘i love you too by the way. if you care’ 

- ‘shut up...wait really?’ 

- ‘yes i do. i’ve loved you for as long as i can remember so are you going to just stand there or are you going to kiss me?’ 

- ‘i’m definitely going to kiss you’ 

- ‘good’ 

- And he does 

- He’s standing in front of you before you can catch your breath

- His hands reach up to cup your cheeks 

- His lips part as he stares down at you 

- And you’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he’s looking at you

- Like you’re everything good and light in the universe 

- And like he’s also been waiting just as long for this moment 

- Maybe he has 

- Maybe he’s been waiting all his life for this 

- He just didn’t know 

- You feel whatever breath you had left leave your lungs

- His lips are soft against yours, but he gets his point across 

- And you’ve never been happier 

- All the heartache and tears 

- The laughter and stupid jokes 

- The 3am texts 

- The constant worrying 

- The early mornings and late nights 

- The damage to limbs from trying to fit in tiny closets

- And the scrapes on your ankles and bruising on your legs from crawling through his bedroom window 

- They’re all worth it

- ‘are you still going on your date?’ 

- ‘what do you think?’ 

- ‘good. because they’ve just released werewombats 3’

[everafterkeiji]

Song: La La Lost You by Niki

Summary: With him being the pro hero he is, time slips away while distance grows.

Pairings: Katsuki Bakugo x fem! reader

Word count: 4.8k

Warning: angst, cursing

Quirk: You can read minds and portray them in real life. Example: If they thought about a gun, you create the image of the gun and use the gun. Same goes for you, if you think about a bomb, a bomb is already in your hands ready to use.

Symbols: Italic= flashbacks

A/n: can you pls let me know if you'd like a part 2 fnejdn

While I'm on Sunset, are you on the subway?

While I drive, are you gettin' on the L-train?

Bakugo can feel the longing in his heart as he watches a couple pick out engagement rings. His fists tighten at the sight as he feels an ache in his heart while he longs for an embrace his body misses, a body he missed to cherished, pair of lips he missed to place upon his. He lowers his head as he does his nightly patrols. Winter coming in closer than he realized, another year passing by. He thought he wanted this year to end as fast as it could yet here he is, sorrow and regret on his shoulders. Half of his heart gone, nearly falling apart as he stares at every happy couple his eyes fall upon. Even if his fans came to him, no matter how loud the praises and compliments were thrown at him, he felt nothing.

All he wanted to feel was her.

He wanted to feel how warm she was pressed against him, he wanted to feel her lips on his once again, he wanted to hear her voice again. Not the voice he last heard that was full of sadness but the voice he loved to listen to whenever he had his nightmares, his insecure nights. The softness in her tone, the way every laugh of hers would sound ethereal to him, the feist in her words whenever they had their battles. Now all those sounds seem to grow deaf to him. It's been a year, a year without her. A rather long year for him. Everyday he had to wake up to a cold bed, no arms wrapped around him, no view for him to enjoy when he opens his eyes. The way your moments were held in the walls surrounding him, every milestone of your relationship cherished in one household. He felt as if it was mocking him, making him remember the happiness your relationship brought him.

Hope that eases the pain

So you remember to miss me

Before, your house was filled with pictures of you two. Now it was empty, a house for one man when it was supposed to be a house for his ever after with her. Where was his savior? Where are the soft melodies she'd sing to him whenever he had his insecurities drag him down? All these moments he can only replay in his mind.

As he opens the door, he remembers the smile that falls on his lips no matter how exhausted he was, ready to see his girlfriend safe and sound in their own house. He'd catch her asleep on the couch with her favorite blanket cuddled up to a stuff toy he won her in a game.

He lets out a tired sigh before stepping in the shower. He closes his eyes, trying to surpass the way his eyes wanted to shed tears at the sight of her without his side. The more he tries to ignore it, the farther she gets from his view. He only remembers the way he raised his voice at her, the tears that ran down her cheek. The hurtful things that left his mouth, he never meant to say.

Unsaid things only to be said to a wall as his chances were slimming down as time passes. The words he wanted to say only being said when he was intoxicated but the person he badly wanted to say it to wasn't there to listen.

Does the trick for all of the things left unsaid

He didn't dare to face his friends, knowing questions and reactions are the only things he's gonna get from them. They'd be the ones to mention your name when they notice your disappearance. Kirishima knows about the split and has made many attempts to get the blonde back on his feet like he used to but every attempt would just end in bottles on the floor and carrying Bakugos intoxicated body back in your old couch.

Kirishimas heart wanted to cry for him.

Whenever your name was mentioned in missions or groups, he'd noticed the sadness that sets in his eyes and expression while he tries to hide it by being his aggressive self. Even as his best friend, there's nothing that he could do when the only solution to Bakugos heart was you.

You tried to ignore the fact that every night for a year you drowned out your emotions by overworking yourself and thinking that by being surrounded by lights and alcohol brought you contentment while you had no clue of what your other half was doing. Like him, you craved nothing more than to be with him.

Some have tried to contact you, you tried to sound believable as possible. Trying to sound like the boy you love was still around you pulling pranks behind you or him randomly wrapping his arms around you.

But you're on the other side of the country.

An offer you couldn't possibly lose, not even letting him know where you were. Him only knowing when the news had caught you fighting off villains in a city he can't just run to when he missed you. You knew that distance never fixed anything but at this point is there anything to be fixed? When laid out in front of you two are broken pieces of your own hearts. Scatted in cities where he remembers you by, scattered in his clothes that fit like a dress on you, scattered in streets making a path for you two to retrace your steps and fix what's happened. Hanging onto memories day by day. Trying to grasp a reality that was too good to be true.

All my demons have your smile

Unlike him, your surroundings were new.

Everything was new. You weren't stuck to suffer in the place where your love blossomed, the new environment insisting you to change but the way you saw couples and kids ticked you off to the very least.

December hasn't been this cold than you remember it. You shed a tear or two whenever you overheard one of the heroes ramble on how excited she was that she was engaged. It would've been 6 years with him by next month and a ring should've been placed in your very hands by now knowing the shared conversations you two had about marriage.

Saddened by the thought of it, you head home changing out of your hero clothes. You sat in the train, your exhaustion getting the best of you as you opened your eyes to see Bakugo sitting in front of you but as you blink he was gone. As the train goes under a tunnel, you look at the window as your memories play like some movie scene. You turn to look at the couples that surrounded you and your mind betrays you thinking of a girl that can make Bakugo happy like you did.

The darkness of the train enabled you to cry. You covered your face in your hands as you let out a sob. As a hero you couldn't care if people saw you like this, everyone had a breaking point. You've had enough of today. You continue to cry as you tighten the grip on your sweater and on the necklace that you wore.

"Who knew you could do things like this?" You teased as he taps your nose. You were set on his lap as he brings out a box. His hand caresses your cheek as he looks at you with love, love and nothing more.

"Shut it, dumbass. Now turn around." You rolled your eyes as you turned around, your back facing his chest. He sits up properly, gently moving your h/c aside as a cold piece of jewelry was placed around your neck. Once it was attached, Bakugo pressed light kisses on your shoulder as he whispers for you to face him. When you did, he smiled.

"You look amazing, Y/N." He says with pink painted cheeks. You blushed at his words your hand playing with the necklace.

"What's this for, Katsuki?" You asked as you intertwined your hands with his. He kisses the back of your hand as he looks at you.

"So you'll always have me."

As you wipe your tears, you felt a buzz in the pocket of your jeans. Picking it up the name "kiri<3" flashes before you. Sniffling a bit, you decided to answer.

"Kirishima? Is everything okay?"

Meanwhile on the other line, Bakugos breath hitched at the sound of you. It was another night where he dragged Kirishima to another bar and drown his feelings. He begged Kirishima to dial your number, just to hear it even if it wasn't meant for him.

"Hey Y/N! Sorry if I called a little later than expected, you doing okay? This is really random and unmanly-"

"Kiri it's fine! I'm fine yeah just heading home. How are you by the way?" Bakugo stays silent as he hears your voice. He missed it so much. He hadn't felt this desperate since you left.

"Well I'm doing fine too, Y/N. Guess I kinda just miss my partner in crime." You smiled at his words, finally feeling relieved after your session of crying.

"I miss you too, Eiji. How-"

"Y/N!" A familiar voice suddenly rushing to your ears as you sit up. It's him. Bakugo tries to steal the phone from Kirishima but Kirishima won't give it to him, thinking it was wrong for Bakugo to talk to you in a state like this.

"Bakugo-" The call ends before you can even say anything else. Kirishima sighs as Bakugo notices the call has ended.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR SHIT HEAD?!"

"WHY CAN'T YOU CALL HER ON YOUR OWN, BAKUGO!" Kirishima shouts. Bakugo is taken aback by his sudden burst of words. Bakugo stays silent as Kirishima puts his phone in the pocket of his jeans.

"If you love her why don't you call her yourself? Make some fucking plans with her, talk it out. You're suffering because you're weak enough to reach out to her. This would've been simple from the beginning when you actually had the balls to talk to her and apologize!"

"If you feels so shitty about Y/N leaving, we're her friends too you know. We also lost her. I always have your back Bakugo, but this time this is your problem." Kirishima leaves your apartment with a sigh of defeat as he glides over your phone number, texting a sorry before he went home. Bakugo had his head hung low, taking in every word he heard.

He's right. He thought.

You had a hand placed on your heart when you heard him. You figured that it didn't end well for Kirishima when the call ended. Your screen flashes before reading the message.

kiri<3: I'm really sorry about that Y/N, but I do miss you. we all do. especially bakugo.

When you were home, your hand traces over the blocked contact of your other half. You smile as you reread your past conversations. But as you hug your pillow shutting the device off, you felt your eyes close remembering the warmth you used to have when he slept beside you.

He came home from a patrol, promising to save as many as he can but ended up saving only half of what he intended to. The cries of people ringing in his ears. He felt low, unworthy, selfish, weak. He couldn't save them, he could've been better. Now he realizes the fear that grows on him that he can't always save you.

"What the fuck did you say, Katsuki?! You don't get to say shit like I'm not a hero like you! We're both fucking exhausted. I'm asking you for one, one day." You shout.

He wasn't as strong as you. He utters words that mean the complete opposite of what he wanted to say, even denying love when he first experienced it. So scared of feeling emotions since the only thing he relied on was himself. He is strong in battles, the thrill giving him life, excitement. This is what he wanted. To live the life of his idols, to surpass them and show them he meant every word when said he wanted to be #1. What he didn't want was a girl who held his heart with strings. Playing with his emotions, discovering the branches of love. Discovering how his world changed when he fell for the girl he could never reach. He didn't want his heart to be fragile. He wanted it to be tough and unbreakable, a barrier around it where no one can see through his sharp demeanor. But there she was. Breaking every barrier with ease. In this moment, his heart made barriers once again.

"I fucking meant it when I said I don't have any time to be with you anymore. I need to work, Y/N! Why cant you get that through your fucking skull" He shouts back, a finger to your forehead pushing you back. Your cheeks were from the anger that sprung to your spirits. Every part of you was aching with anger. Tears spilling from your eyes as he watches you.

"That's all you ever fucking do Katsuki! Do you just purposely forget that I also work hard and here I am asking for one night with my boyfriend and you're pushing me aside like I'm nothing to you!"

"Nothing?! Maybe you just don't fucking understand what I'm saying! I have my own shit to deal with and I can't always drop everything for your needy ass. Do you need me to pat you on the back for being a good hero? You shouldn't even call yourself a hero when I'm the reason you even made it this far, princess." You closed your eyes as your hands turned white from how much you were tightening them.

Y/N, don't believe it. Please. I'm begging you-

"OF COURSE YOU GOT ME HERE! Call me anything you want. Weak, laid back, unworthy, low, insecure, stupid, worthless, have at it but I'm fucking drowning in my own stress, shitty paper work and patrols. I am a hero. You don't get to fucking remove that title from me. While you got me here, you're forgetting all the shit I did for you!"

"The things you did for me? What, like love? That's nothing to me."

Love.

All the smiles you've given him. The moments where you made him realize that if he wasn't the #1 hero, the only thing that mattered him was you. The memories of you with your head on his shoulder enjoying the sunset while he talks about how much he loves you. The feeling of his hands intertwining with yours as you danced in your living room. The moment where he said he'd catch you no matter what. The moments where you would wake up to his kisses on your face. The feeling when you see him safe and sound as you hug him enjoying life when his love surrounded you. The feeling when you imagined yourself marrying the perfect man for you.The promises. Future plans. The kisses. Never ending hugs. 5 years with the person who made you the happiest, who made you determined, who made you feel like you can conquer anything, who made you believe in love even in the toughest ways.

It was all nothing.

You bite your lip as your head hung low. He hears your sobs and it wasn't enough for him to wake up from all this anger. He needed you just as much as you did, but in this moment he didn't realize it. He thought he needed a break, some silence to drown out the cries of the people he had left behind but now he can only hear his heart shattering. Piece by piece. Torn. With every word he says. With every glance he gives you, seeing you so hurt because of him. He bared no meaning to his words and he hopes you can see that he too needed saving but he notices the drop in your tone. Dull eyes, tear stained cheeks, unsteady breathing.

"I just w-wanted to be with you.. t-to be saved. To be saved from this asshole of a man claiming he loves but me pushes me away like dirt. A man who tells me an empty promise of always being there to catch me. Katsuki, was it all really nothing y-you?" He bites his lip before taking a step forward but you step back, life drained out of you. Every color saturated to liveliness was nothing but black and white now. Storms and heavy weather. Tears and broken hearts.

I can't do this.

"I just can't save you anymore." He whispers but you heard it clear as day. You let out the most painful sob as your knees give in, a thud to the floor as you cover your face in your hands. Now the fear in his head of him never saving you, he only faces the truth that he can't save everyone, even you. Your sobs echoed through the house as he turns around to wipe away his tears, a hand to his pained chest. As his back was turned to you, you left to go to your room. He notices your disappearance as he only sits on the couch, knowing the events that were to happen next. You grabbed a bag stuffing in whatever you could as you continued to release your sorrows. When you were finished you took a last good look on your room. The room where every nightmare was comforted with love, the room where secrets were shared, deep fears, everything. You take a deep breath before opening the door. You see him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

-

You both wake up with tears in your eyes as your head weighed a ton, making you grip your pillow with such force, completely unhappy you were greeted this way. You looked up at the mirror to see bags under your eyes, puff cheeks, and a version of you that you despised to see everyday.

Not a single glow of happiness.

You weren't ready to face another tiresome day at the agency but your limbs forced you to knowing it'd be another patrol then by the night some paperwork and then patrolling once again. His words replayed in your mind, still affecting you with how he belittled you as a hero. Sure, you couldn't save millions but you saved hundreds, even if you were on brim of your quirk affecting your mental state, you would still save thousands.

And it pains you that he doesn't even notice how your quirk affects your mental being.

It takes immense focus for you to portray what you needed, and it requires you to be sharp and quick with your mind. Yet, overusing it alters the reality you wanted. Your mind playing a sick game to your overall being, stuck in the darkest part of your mind, leading you the same night that started it all.

But he still wouldn't save you.

-

Bakugo had his vermilion eyes on the road, as the others discussed on the upcoming mission. He didn't even bother to pay interest on where they were going, more focused on fighting with the villain and finishing the job.

Maybe it was the hundredth time today where he thought about you.

He looks at the beautiful scenery in front of him, and his mind leads him to remember your smile and your features he loved to gaze his eyes on. Now, villains and explosions were the only things that clouded his vision or sometimes the sight of his companions, which didn't really help him.

Then the vehicle comes to a stop, his eyes landing on a store. Seen through the glass was a beautiful dress, painted in her favorite color, with the perfect length and dainty design. He smiles to himself, visualizing how stunning she'd look wearing it, especially seeing her skin looking so bright and healthy under the winter atmosphere.

She'd love that. He says to himself, feeling bittersweet that he wanted to buy it, but who would even wear it? He can't just give it to her without having a conversation. Even if it's been nearly a year, how can he prepare for something he avoided?

He steps out of the vehicle, feeling exhausted thinking about her. He hears his companions talk about splitting up so each hero wouldn't be suspected, he agrees with them, not even bothering to give them a snarky comment. He was too occupied with the thought of you in that splendid dress.

He wonders around the city, hands to his pockets. Especially in his hero costume, he received so many stares from the people. He'd either glare back at them or ignore them completely, but this time he just let them stare for as long as they liked. The only pair of eyes he wanted to land on him was yours, your ever stunning ones.

He remembers the moments where the sun beamed perfectly on your eyes, depicting the color with such grace and beauty. He remembers every memory where your eyes were gateways to your emotions, filled with such genuine and love. It even helped him at times where words weren't needed to express the way he felt. He loved how you managed to read him so easily, like a book she's memorized every page of. Even the slightest change in his tone, you were able to pick it up and soon interrogate him if he was okay.

He watches a couple who had boxes in their hands with smiles evident in their eyes and lips. He watches as the man gestures to help the girl but she declines walking ahead of him, he follows behind the girl making sure the boxes wouldn't fall.

"Katsuki stop!" She shouts with a giggle, he ignores her completely, pushing her slightly to make the boxes fall. She completely looses balance as the boxs fall on the floor. She gasps as she runs to punish the blonde as he quickly puts down the boxes as he runs away from her. You can hear her screaming profanities at the man as the couple runs around outside their house.

Bakugo hides from her, eyeing her from his secret spot. He takes the opportunity when he sees her completely confused he was gone, so he takes you by surprise by slinging you over his shoulders, chuckling at how she threw mild punches at his back.

"Babe! How are we gonna finish moving in our stuff!" She says with a laugh, still trying to beg for him to put her down. He spins around making her laugh even more as he sets her on the ground. The sun beams down on them, her eyes glowing so beautifully under the golden light. His hand reaches her cheeks, squishing it lightly as he smiles at her expression.

"Who said we even needed to finish it today? C'mon. We have the house all to ourselves." Katsuki says, as you sighed giving into him. He smirks to himself as he lifted you off the ground once again, swinging you over his shoulders too easily.

"Baby!"

His eyes wander elsewhere, feeling his chest tightening once again at the memories that resurface upon him.

After a long fight with a villain who kept scarring you with their weapon, your mind was completely going to collapse at any minute. You've been creating bullets and barriers for so long you didn't notice how other objects that you didn't need were suddenly made, dropping behind you. You can feel the throbbing pain of your head as you limped to the town. Random objects still were popping up every minute and it annoyed you how your quirk was out of your grasp.

(TW! Hallucination/Panic attack)

You simply wanted water and some first aid kit to make sure you make it to your agency but when you imagined the bottle of water, you immediately acted like it was created but it wasn't. All the things that you thought you made weren't there and you felt your eyes feel droopy as you let your hand hold onto the wall for support. It was starting to alter your reality, making it worse for you to think straight while your thoughts were all tied in loops from overusing it. Your vision blurring at the sight of people who were walking by.

Your mind was growing more and more explosive as you felt pain surround your head. You let out a scream as you felt every part of your head ache as unnecessary objects were still appearing beside you. This scream alerts the people but they chose not to gather around you, unsure what was happening. They were all muttering questions but this only added to the problem as you started panting, harshly closing your eyes trying to avoid any eye contact from them. You heard a loud shout before your mind completely goes blank, feeling like you were shot. It happened all too fast as you fall to your knees, mind empty and damaged, your system completely failing to support you as a person was seen pushing through the sea of people.

Then, their eyes met.

[thomasvol6]

Do you remember? // Phanfiction

Word count: 2.7k

Warnings: slight swearing, fluff, very light smut

Summary: Dan and Phil have been married for 16 years and one night in bed they decide to re-live their favourite moments together

“Can you sleep?”

“Not really”

“Same”

Phil rolled over to face his husband. They had been married for 16 years now but his heart still did that ‘flippy-over thing’ every time he looked in Dan’s eyes, just like it did the first time they kissed, back in 2009 on the Manchester Eye.

“Do you remember our first kiss?” Phil asked softly, still staring fondly at his husband’s eyes

“Oh so that’s where we’re going?” Dan replied chuckling at Phil’s cheesiness. He sometimes had these moments where he just started being incredibly cheesy and romantic, he had always had them and Dan surely couldn’t complain because he loved them.

“I was just thinking at how far we’ve come…I mean, 20 years ago we were lying on our bed, nervous as hell to publish PINOF 10, and now we are married and we have a 15 years old son and a 5 years old daughter together…time flies” Phil said as he started playing with a curl from Dan’s hair.

“Shit we’re going to die like tomorrow”

“Oh c’mon don’t kill the atmosphere with your sad thoughts”

“You’re right, sorry…by the way yes, I do remember our first kiss as well as our last one”

“Our last o-“ Phil didn’t manage to end his question because Dan had moved slightly forward to give him a quick kiss and rest his head on Phil’s shoulder

“We had been walking around Manchester for hours and decided to go for one ride on the wheel and then go home. You payed for both our tickets even though I had insisted that I wanted to pay and the man at the ticket booth pulled the most annoyed face ever because I wouldn’t stop insisting, so you took my hand and dragged me in our cabin. It was cabin number 22 and we were the only people around as it was a monday evening. You kept staring at me and I was like ‘fuck it’ so I leaned in like I was going to rest my head on your shoulder, but then I kissed you and you seemed so shocked that I was afraid I’d hurt you. You re-arranged my fringe and put your hand on mine and we just stayed like that for the rest of the ride, smiling at each other. Wait- are you crying? Oh baby I’m sorry!” said Dan whilst passing his thumb of Phil’s cheeks to dry his tears.

“I…I just got a little emotional, you made me travel back in time there, you know?” said Phil almost apologising.

“Why don’t you make me travel a bit now?”

“Sure, where do you want to go?”

“Mmh…maybe our first time? Too much?”

“No, not at all. Close your eyes though, okay? So…it was a couple months since our first kiss and you were coming to stay at my house for a whole week! I couldn’t wait to spend all that time with you and I remember our last skype call, the night before you came here, where you were so happy you couldn’t calm down so you ended up not managing to sleep a minute that night, and when you arrived here you were really tired. My mom, bless her, had prepared the guests room for you, even though I had told her that we were together. I’m pretty sure she was just fine with it and it was my dad to be over-protective about the whole thing so he asked mom to set up the guests room, but anyways…Where was I? Oh yes, you were knackered so I asked you if you wanted to just lay on the sofa and watch a movie together. Being geniuses, we watched Wall-e, like the saddest movie ever, and ended up crying like two babies by the end of it. At that point it was about 4pm and we agreed that if we had a nap we would never be able to sleep during the night, so we decided to go grocery shopping and cook dinner, since my parents had gone to visit my aunt up in Scotland for the week. We went out without our coats and regretted it immediately but we were both too lazy to go back up to get them, so we decided to freeze our way to the store. I think we had seen this recipe on TV earlier and for some reason decided to bake a chicken and aubergines pie, so we bought what we needed and practically ran back home as it was really really cold outside, you know, december…

As soon as we arrived home we were so cold that we decided to snuggle on my bed for a while before cooking and so we did, but then you started to tease me putting your hand on my thigh and kissing me. When I realised what you were doing, I started to do the same. I started stroking your thigh going everytime a little bit higher and closer to your crotch, until you started complaining about the teasing. You were the one who had started!”

Dan let out a chuckle at the memory but didn’t open his eyes, he was in full immersion.

“So…the rest you know” Phil stopped himself from telling the whole story because he knew it would have gotten both him and Dan horny and it would have been a mood killer.

“Yeah I do. Did you like it?” said Dan still keeping his eyes closed but smiling from ear to ear

“Of course I did, you dingo! It wasn’t as nice as it is now, maybe, because neither of us were experienced almost at all and especially not with each other, but it was a great first time. I mean, I had only been with a girl before you and let me just say it’s definitely not the same thing!”

“I hadn’t been with anyone before you, actually” said Dan, only at this point opening his eyes to look at his husband’s reaction

“Yeah I know babe, it was so obvious that you lied about not being a virgin!” answered Phil surprising Dan

“What?? You knew? Oh that’s embarrassing!”

“It’s not embarrassing at all! I actually like the idea that I’m the only one who ever fucked you”

“Philip Michael Lester Howell, first of all, did you just say ‘fuck’? And second of all, we’re 50 years old. I think ‘fucked you’ isn’t the best of ways to describe our love making”

“I’ll tell you what, Daniel James Howell Lester, I say whatever the fluff I want!” said Phil not managing to keep a straight face and bursting in laughter. They both cuckled for a while until Phil said “Hey, I want to travel more! Tell me about our wedding pleeeease”

He closed his eyes waiting for Dan to start telling the story but he was surprised by a quick soft kiss, and his blood started to go to his shoulder again as his husband had moved his head onto his own pillow.

“Sooo, let’s go back to 2022, shall we? I remember being so nervous I actually threw up a couple of times the night before and I wanted to call you so bad but I decided to be strong and ended up suffering alone, until my brother came to look for me in the bathroom. He knocked and came in without waiting for any reply and as soon as he saw the mess I was he sat next to me on the floor and put his hand on my knee, like a silent ‘I’m here’. After a couple minutes of silence I said something like ‘I really love him’ or ‘I love him so much’ and Adrian hugged me saying ‘I know you do’. I didn’t sleep a minute that night and was about to text you a million times but I actually only did it once, to say goodnight to you. You replied IMMEDIATELY and I remember thinking that maybe you were in my same situation” Dan stopped to check if Phil was still awake

“I was in the exact same situation, just without the throwing up part, you know my stomach is made of iron!” Phil said keeping his eyes shut.

“Yeah, I know. Anyways, when my mom came to wake me up in the morning she was really excited to see that I was already up and getting prepared. She said she had made pancakes for me downstairs and that my suit had been ironed and was waiting for me in the laundry room. I ate my pancakes and put on the suit, then went to check if Adrian was ready. He was still in his pj’s but the ring boxes were ready and his suit had been ironed too so it was no big deal. As soon as I saw you walking towards me in the wedding garden I completely forgot of any worryings or preoccupations and my heart was filled in with just love. I can’t even remember what the guy who married us was saying because all I could think of was how could you possibly look even more beautiful than usual in that suit. Yet, you did. I still remember, though, my votes. ‘Phil, I promise I’ll always be by your side: when you decide to dress up as punks, when you want to have 3-hour-breakfasts and when you want to live the rest of our lives together. I promise I will do the laundry every saturday as we decided 10 years ago, that I will tell you when I finish the milk and that I’ll take Nuki out for walkies more often. I love you Phil, I’ve loved you since when, back in 2008, I would watch your videos to relax, I loved you when you asked me to move in your flat and I loved you even more when you told me that there was powerful wifi- I mean…when you said that you loved me too’ Jesus, I think I will remember that forever” Dan said with a smile on his face

“That was a wonderful speech, I can imagine you remember that I couldn’t contain my tears, too” replied Phil, him smiling too.

“Your turn again! I want…mmh…the day we finally took Noah home please” said Dan closing his eyes again and settling down

“Okay, soooo 2023. It was the 31st march when they called us from the hospital saying that Noah was arriving. I remember literally grabbing our wallets and keys and RUNNING downstairs like the building was on fire. You almost got killed by a taxi whilst trying to get him to stop, which ended up working, but still! Anyways, we got to the hospital in 10 minutes and ran through the corridors trying to find the room. When we finally found it, room 209, and walked in, we were immediately attacked by the nurses who quickly gave us gloves and and masks and went back to the bed where Lauren was. She seemed really happy to see us but also kind of terrified. Mmmh...I guess it's because a baby was about to exit her ladydoor"

“I cAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT” screamed Dan pushing himself up with his elbows. He didn't scare Phil, though. He was expecting a similar reaction.

“Shhhhh you're gonna wake Emily!” said Phil, now on his elbows too

“From here it's much easier to wake Noah, Emily is three rooms away!”

“Earlier, when I went to the loo, I checked if the kids were alright and Emily had crawled in Noah’s bed. She’s probably had another nightmare”

“Oh bless her. By the way, our 15 and 5 years old kids sleep together every now and then?? You realise that's parenting goals, yeah?”

“Well my brother and I used to do that every now and then too, but I guess it's because he's only a year and a half older than me"

“Exactly. Plus, 15 is a critical age! You know, he's starting to seriously grow and that kinda scares me"

“First of all, we’re freakishly tall so I don't think he's ever going to be taller than us. Second of all, he's only like 5’5. Third, I'm really scared too. What if he's going to meet someone on the internet and run away with them??”

“Oh you mean like I did? Yeah I hope that doesn't happen”

“You were 19, Dan”

“No, I was kidding” said Dan playing with his husband’s face “Now, can you resume the story telling?”

“Oh yeah right, so Lauren was screaming a lot and I don't know about you but she was holding my hand really tight, I thought it was going to explode!”

“Same"

“But finally, after about 5 minutes, Noah came out, screaming a lot too, and the nurses washed him before giving him to Lauren to breastfeed him. He was perfect, about 3.5 kilos and 50cm long. His big brown eyes stared at us for a bit before closing and then he slept for like 10 hours.

When, three days later, we finally brought him at home, we were both really emotional but his room was so cute! Do you remember it? We had put a tiny little wooden bed and painted the walls of pastel light blue. The floor was a very light green moquette and we had bought those huge Ikea plastic leaves so the whole room looked like a forest.

Being right next to our room, we could (and still can) hear everything he did so for the first couple of months it was really difficult for us to sleep, but then we got used to it and now I don't even notice it anymore to be honest. We were so happy when he arrived home and every free minute we would talk and sing to him our favourite songs, but the only song that managed to make him fall asleep was Interrupted By Fireworks. Do you remember how many times we played it at the stereo? I think probably more than ten thousand times...anyways, I think Noah’s love for books comes from the fact that we used to read to him constantly so hey, that's some good parenting right there!”

“It sure is!” said Dan “My turn, I'm telling Emily’s story.

We had decided, this time, to adopt, so after contacting the agency and signing all those papers and various meetings with various people, we only got to see a photo of Emily in june 2033! She was a week old, so it was the 27th, and she was sooo cute! She had very light blue eyes and very thin,almost white hair. I remember the nurse who was taking care of her telling us to make sure we thought her some Swedish so that she could learn about her origins. I think she knows it pretty well by now, doesn't she?”

“Definitely, plus both her and her brother love Knäckebröd so I think we've done a good job with that too” said Dan, satisfied.

“Yeah...Dan?”

Dan turned on his side to face Phil, as a silent ‘Yes?’

“I love our life. Thank you for giving me all this” said Phil, getting teary again

“Oh baby I love it too. I love our kids, I love our dog, I love our home and I love you, so much”

Phil kissed his husband then went back on his pillow

“Now I'm gonna go make us tea and check the kids, could you go lock the door please?” said Dan getting out of bed

“Sure” replied Phil, him also putting his feet on the floor and slowly standing up to not get dizzy

“I really needed this tea, you know?” said Phil stroking Dan's hand with his

“I think at this point I'm pretty good at reading your mind. Let's see...mmmh...right now you're thinking that you'd like to fuck me" said Dan moving his fingers on his head like he was actually reading Phil's mind

“Hey! You told me off like an hour ago for saying that!”

Dan chuckled and pulled the duvet to his chin, pulling a fake innocent face

“But you're right actually, you are pretty good at reading my mind"

[stretchjournalemerson]

Contrails

By Anthony Manupelli

Part One: Peace

Had a talk with my old man,

Said help me understand.

He said, turn 68, you’ll renegotiate

Don’t stop this train

- John Mayer

A month before the crash, it all came back to me. I spent hours, upon hours in fear. I hadn’t given it any thought since I was a little kid. Aside from the good memories, such as watching the Curious George movie with my siblings on a warm summer morning in 2007, I remember panicking about it when I was all alone.

The night it changed; I was nine. It was long past my bedtime and I had school the next day. My stomach turned as my brain spiraled out of control. My make-shift room in the basement of my childhood home had been repurposed from a small office to an oversized bedroom that I so thrillingly shared with spiders, the dark, and my overwhelming thoughts. Despite the unnecessary amount of space I had, I felt so trapped. Coming off a hot streak of realizations, including my discovery of the fact that Santa wasn’t real, and that the WWE was staged, I took a deep dive into an abyss of analysis into what was real and what was fake. And then, the mother of all struggles occurred.

I was raised Catholic and didn’t think much of it for most of my early years. We honestly weren’t very committed churchgoers. My siblings and I would fight with our parents pretty often about attending church early on Sunday morning. We kind of all just accepted the fact that our mother wanted us to be Catholic. So, I never really delved deeper into a spiritual awakening, I just did as I was told. But time and time again, I discovered I shouldn’t simply accept the world that is placed in front of me and the fact that I will only find truth in life by constantly questioning my reality, I began to question my mother’s teachings. I froze. As if I was hit on the top of the head, my brain began buzzing, and I fell down a rabbit hole, a psychotic conundrum of thought. The topic of my panic: what happens when we die?

“What happens after this, what happens, what happens, what is happening to me”? I couldn’t stop. For the first time in my life, I was spiraling. My blood curled, I felt it in my face. I rolled into a ball and clenched my stomach to avoid spilling out its contents. I felt my fingers numb and my brain freeze. All of this, as if no other human being had gone through a spiritual crisis or could understand my confusion and panic.

I continuously asked, “what if…”, and it never ended. At nine, I was bargaining with myself to come to terms with something that no human had ever completely understood. My panic stirred so deep into the night, that I was met with my father’s questioning, the next morning, as he prepared for his day.

“What’s wrong Anthony, you’re freaking out. What happened?”

“It’s nothing, it’s nothing, Dad. I’m fine.” I figured if I didn’t say it out loud then it wouldn’t be true.

“No Anthony seriously, this stops right now. What’s wrong?”

I didn’t want to invite my poor father into this personal hell of my over analysis of the spacetime continuum. So, I simplified it to the catalyst of my fear and promptly begged,

“Dad, what really happens when we die?”

He paused. I never knew if he did so to make me feel understood and calm me down or to actually process the question. Regardless, he resolved.

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

And instantly, I was relieved. I never understood why. But from that moment forward, I never feared death or thought about it again. At least not in the science-fiction, fantastical, terrifying way my brain had me pondering in those moments. Not once, did I waste an ounce of my time fearing death, not until much later.

Part Two: Body Separation

Upside down

Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found

I don't want this feeling to go away

Please don't go away

-Jack Johnson

I remember my dad’s face when I got the car. As I drove out of my driveway, alone, for the first time, he waved goodbye. And it was at that moment, I realized I was grown up. I wasn’t the kid he had calmed down years before. I had a new cast of characters in my life. Friends he didn’t know but they were the people I brought my concerns, dreams, and questions to. I became my own person without even realizing it. And he wasn’t waving goodbye to me. He was waving goodbye to the little kid he had known all the years prior. He was waving goodbye to my childhood.

But time marched on and I became incredibly fond of my car. I drove all the time. I mean all of the time. Every month of the year, everywhere my friends or I went. I was always the one driving and I loved it.

Massachusetts winters are pretty brutal and it's usually hard to find something to do. So my car became not only a vehicle of physical transportation but an escape from the freezing cold and lack of activity. That car brought me together with so many people. The sheer amount of people who had taken a ride in my car had become a running joke. It encapsulated my entire teenage experience; it brought me so far away from home yet together with so many people.

The summer returned and it was time for one of my childhood best friends to go to school. I was the last person to send them off as I dropped them off to their house after spending the entire night out in commemoration of our years together.

I remember returning home, alone, after the sunrise, devastated. It was one of the most painful goodbyes I’ve ever had to do. It was a goodbye, not a see you soon.

So, when my dad found me in my car, he comforted me and asked why I was so upset.

“My childhood’s over dad. I’m not a kid anymore, and I don’t know how and don’t want to be an adult”.

He paused again and gave me time to relax. We both knew I just needed to get some sleep.

“I never grew up. I’ve aged but we’re all still kids at heart” he offered.

Time marched on. And despite my initial doubt of my dad’s input, he was right. I had aged but I was still a little kid at heart. This became clear as I sat in my bed on a windy December night and began to panic again.

“What happens when we die”?

I hadn’t thought about that in nearly a decade. It hadn’t kept me awake, late at night, since I was nine. But here I was all grown up panicking in my top bunk in a new house, in a new room. The location, people, and time changed, but my fear remained the same.

Only this time, the fear sweltered unlike ever before. I found myself at a crossroads once again. However, my dad’s words and my logic would not comfort me. I needed something more.

But, after dwelling for over a month, I received my answer in the most unexpected scenario.

Part Three: Entering Darkness

Once in a while, when it’s good

It’ll feel like it should

And they’re all still around

And you’re still safe and sound

And you don’t miss a thing

‘Til you cry

When you’re driving away in the dark

-Also, John Mayer

The moments leading up to the crash were so normal, completely tranquil. I regret not paying attention to what song was playing; I was so focused on where I was going that I forgot to take-in where I was.

The road we were travelling down was a two-lane highway. Visibility was terrible, there were no streetlights the entire way as we drove through a road carved through the wilderness. The pine trees towered over the car, looming left to right; the moon casting their shadows onto the pavement. A light fog spilled onto the road perpetuating the gloominess of the scene.

I remember looking out the window and noticing a valley of dead trees. I wondered what had happened to them, all the way out there, alone. I had traveled that road before, many times. When I was younger, I never noticed the dead trees. I must have been enamored by the color of the other ones. But my attention no longer resided with what is. What once was seemed to be the solution to all my problems.

If I could just figure out why, then I’d feel safe again.

Why had all of this happened?

Why are we here?

Why me?

I became a full-time philosopher as a compulsion for my obsessive thoughts. To no avail, of course. None of it mattered anyway.

As I continued traveling down the road, I realized how comfortable I had become with it. The low visibility, the spooky trees, the moonlight, the life and death no longer stroking fear as I moved along.

I had traveled this road so many times before that I was as familiar with its features as I was myself.

So, it was in complete shock when I slowed down and took a left turn off the road only to be met with a blinding flash of white, followed by immediate darkness.

Part Four: Seeing the Light

The sun is going down

There's shadows all around

And I feel more than wine

We must do this again sometime

But I can't tell you when

But what a joy it's been

All that we have is now

- Jesse Winchester

…

My dad and I have a term for the situations life throws your way when you are doing one thing and then find yourself completely lost in an unexpected situation. We refer to this special place of confusion/limbo as “Claire’s Living Room”.

To provide an example of this phenomena without going into detail of its origins, I realized I was in Claire’s Living Room as I sat alone in a hospital bed, with an IV in my left arm, listening to the staff count down to the new year in the break room.

2020 was a tumultuous year, but I truly did not expect to be welcomed into 2021 by a man in a cloak in a blindingly bright room. That man, of course, being one of the nicest doctors I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. I just wish it had occurred under different circumstances.

They checked my vitals, all was well. Some slight bruising on my right ribs, but nothing that wouldn’t heal in a matter of days to weeks.

“Do you have any other concerns or questions for me?” He asked at just about two in the morning.

I couldn’t believe I was alive and okay. No one was seriously injured. No one had died. Yet, it felt like a part of me had been permanently altered. The crash was bad; really bad. Fortunately, both cars had done their job and protected every passenger. Everyone was wearing their seat belts and no other cars were there at the time of the accident. The street shut down for a short period of time to assist in the tow and clean up of both cars.

My memory of the aftermath begins with me already out of the car. I must have subconsciously exited the vehicle after getting hit with the airbags. The car was totaled. Immediately. Way gone. I remember watching the first officers and passersby see my car and look in disgust at how twisted it was. I was still out of it, so noticing other people looking shocked to see me standing on my feet brought tears to my eyes.

I wasn’t hurt, at least not physically. I went back into the wreck to find my phone. As more people began arriving at the scene, more strangers, cops, firemen, I began to panic. The situation was easily the most overwhelming experience of my life. And loud. I mean earth shatteringly loud. From the moment of impact, to the ringing in my ears, to the first responders, the sirens, the people.

But I couldn’t find my phone. I needed to call my parents and tell them to come to the scene. I needed them to know I was okay, to hear my voice before a police officer called them to inform them, I had been involved in an accident.

I was petrified that my parents would think I was dead.

After a few minutes of searching, I asked one of my friends to call my dad. My dad would explain to me later that my friend’s phone call sent him into panic. Apparently, he was sitting with my mom when he received the call. My friend was so shaken up that he could barely get the words out.

“Anthony, you need to get here.”

“What’s wrong? Where are you? Is everyone okay?” My dad immediately grabbed his things and waved my mom toward the garage.

“Down North Street, outside the state police barracks. We got into an accident, it’s really bad you just need to get here now”.

For about ten minutes, I had no way of communicating to my parents to let them know I was okay. For ten minutes, my parents feared the chance that I might have died. Something no parent should have to think about or go through. Certainly, something I would never have wished to have forced my parents to think about.

It was easily the most painful and anxiety inducing ten minutes of my life. Ten minutes of pure fear. And the people, more people, constantly more people. I had never seen so many people in one place in my entire life. The lights, the noise, the people.

My heart beat wildly, my brain froze once again, my stomach turned in my panic.

But when my parents arrived at the scene and I hugged them and told them I was okay, all my fear absolved.

I never understood how fast something as simple as seeing your family face to face could be taken away in the blink of an eye.

In a flash.

…

As I sat in that hospital bed, I realized I had the answer to my fears, crisis, and confusion all along.

In the face of death, all that matters is love. The only truth in life is found within. Love is the answer: all there ever was, is, and will be. And through love, life is eternal.

I’m not going to sit here and validate the specific hypothesis on near-death-experiences because I truly don’t know. What I will say is that the stages of life, growth, and change all coincide with the supposed course of a near-death-experience. And I don’t know that I would have found solace in my quest for answers if I hadn’t come that close to losing it all.

When I got a taste for nothing, I returned to find everything.

Part Five: Entering the Light

I've looked at life from both sides now

From win and lose and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

-Joni Mitchell

Since I was a little kid, I’ve always loved contrails. People usually miss them and/or have no idea what I’m talking about when I use the term. Contrails are the clouds released by planes in the sky. The next time you’re outside, look up and I’m sure you’ll see one. I remember, during early quarantine, not seeing a single plane in the sky as if time had come to a halt. No contrails. Our inability to be with each other prevented their spirited existence within the sky.

When I was younger, I was amazed by them. I always felt like I was watching an artist paint massive strokes up in the sky. They’re beautiful, truly amazing things.

The next time I saw a plane leaving its mark in the sky, contrails had taken on a new meaning. Instead of the stroke of an artist, they are the mark of a lifetime; mysteriously appearing out of thin air, releasing a beautiful stride for all to see, and gradually fading to the stars.

Acknowledgements

I want to thank my family and anyone else that’s ever loved me into being. I love you.