#i can only bring myself to write these weird long winded half summary half fic things lol

[feriowind]

i wrote up a whooole feral luffy AU bit on twitter last night so am posting it here too (slightly cleaned up) hahaha

Feral luffy AU where the basis is that Luffy is the one who, somehow, set sail the day the celestial dragons arrived and had his boat shot down. 

 He's considerably further out to sea when this happens, and when he falls into the water, he's swept away by a strange ocean current. He winds up on a deserted island surrounded by the same strange currents and it keeps him stranded. 

 Ace and Sabo are devastated by the loss of Luffy, as is Garp, Makino, Dadan and the bandits, and later on Dragon and Shanks when they find out, attempts are made to locate Luffy's body but they never find him, the assumption that he sank too far out into the ocean due to his devil fruit. Ace & Sabo grow up significantly less cheerful without Luffy's presence, but their bond to one another is as strong as ever.

 Sabo fakes his death after begging Garp for help, anything to throw off his family from ever finding him again. Garp agrees because his hatred of certain nobility has grown significantly after Luffy's "death", and he can't stand the thought of losing another grandson.

 Luffy meanwhile, adapts as best he can. Surviving in this new jungle is painful, but doable despite the constant near brushes with death. The true hardship is how lonely he is without his brothers. Luffy has always thrived in the company of others, and without any he struggles, but again, Luffy adapts. 

 He manages to befriend some of the animals in the jungle, and accidentally discovers conqueror's haki when he nearly loses his hat to a predator, his one link to something beyond this island.

 The animals can't replace his brothers, but they ward off the loneliness. Throughout this time, Luffy makes multiple attempts to sail off the island with handmade rafts. Craftsmanship has never been his strong suit however, so they crumble instantly in the harsh currents.

 Perhaps due to luck, the currents always wash him back ashore instead of allowing him to sink and drown. Luffy's speech also slowly degrades over time. As much as he loves talking to his animal friends, the inability to hear someone else speak causes his words to slur and distort

 Ace and Sabo still hold true to their promise to set sail at age 17, but decide that they want to sail together instead of separating. When they finally set sail, they decide to take their time getting to the Grandline, exploring more of the East Blue at a leisurely pace.

After roughly a week of sailing, they get caught in a freak storm and are swept away by a giant wave where they too end up caught in the same strange current that stole Luffy all those years ago. The two wind up unconscious on Luffy's island, where Luffy finds them on the beach.

Luffy doesn't recognize them however, only that wow! For the first time since he arrived, there are other humans on the island with him that are alive! It's an exciting occurrence, and Luffy drags their bodies to the jungle where the tide won't reach.

When poking and prodding don't wake the two, Luffy sets off to gather food for his guests. He still remembers how tired and hungry he was when he first washed ashore, and figures they'd feel the same. As Luffy comes back, Ace wakes up in a panic.

Luffy rushes Ace in excitement and babbles. It's nearly incomprehensible to Ace however, especially in his panicked just-woken hazy-brained state. All Ace wants is to know where Sabo is and where this place is, and pushes Luffy away.

That's when Ace notices Sabo is lying just a few feet away asleep. The tension leaves him immediately and he's able to actually pay attention to the stranger trying to talk to him. 

Luffy is young and shorter than what he would have been had he been able to grow up on Dawn Island. His hair is long, wild and tangled, and he's dressed in furs and leathers. As Ace is studying him, he asks if he's the one who saved him and Sabo. 

For a moment Luffy stares silent, mind untangling the words until they make sense, and then he nods exuberantly. He tries to explain that he found them unconscious on the beach along with their boat, but Ace can barely decipher Luffy's speech. It sounds like someone speaking with a heavy accent at lightning speed.

But it’s then Ace notices the faint scar under Luffy's eye, and the strawhat hanging off his back. That in combination with Luffy's excited movements and speech sets off confusing alarms in his head.

Luffy's dead, Ace knows this, but he forces this strange kid to calm down and asks for his name. Again it takes a moment for Luffy to understand, and he replies. There's that same strange lilt to his words, but it's clear. Monkey D. Luffy! and it's said with a wide, proud grin.

Ace's world tilts then. Luffy? MONKEY D. LUFFY? His brain feels like its shorting out, refusing to register this new bit of information. He thinks he chokes a reply of some kind, but his mind feels blank. Luffy only laughs, not noticing Ace's shock.

In broken speech he asks for Ace's name too, but Ace doesn't hear his question, can only stare at Luffy's face. It can't be Luffy, he thinks. Because if it is... IF IT IS... They're only roughly a week's sail from Dawn Island. Just 7 days.

Is this boy trying to tell Ace that Luffy, in these past 7 years, was only a 7 days boat ride away? And they simply didn't look hard enough? He was here all alone while Ace and Sabo moved on? Ace's heart feels like it's constricting as his vision tunnels in on Luffy.

Luffy's finally noticed that this stranger is looking pale and ill, and pats him in worry. Is he sick? Does he need food? Are you okay, he asks. Ace grabs Luffy's arm then and stares at him with a strange expression. Luffy, it's me, he says, voice shaking. Ace.

Luffy's brows furrow in confusion and he tilts his head. Ace repeats himself, voice growing stronger. I'm Ace! he exclaims, and waits (prays) to see the light of recognition in Luffy's eyes.

Luffy mouths Ace's words silently to himself with frown. Ace? ...ACE! Luffy suddenly leaps towards Ace, landing directly on his chest and crushing him against a tree. He's directly on him and he's got Ace's head clasped roughly between his hands as he stares at his face intently

Ace? Luffy asks out loud, and starts repeating it over and over as he studies Ace's face. Luffy's grip is stronger than expected but Ace manages to give a jerky nod. The piercing stare breaks and Luffy's eyes water. ACE! he cries out in joy and it's the only word he can say.

Luffy wildly paws at Ace's face, then shoulders and arms, as if trying to make sure he's really there, and he's laughing and crying all at once. He then suddenly turns to Sabo on the ground and starts patting his body. He looks up at Ace with a hopeful smile and asks, Sabo?

Ace chokes back a sob because oh. OH. It's really Luffy! He was here this whole time and they never knew! Why hadn't they just looked HARDER? Luffy meanwhile crows in joy and triumph that BOTH his brothers are here with him. 

Ace gets down next to Sabo and starts violently shaking him. Wake up WAKE UP, how can he be SLEEPING when the greatest thing they thought they had lost was BACK. Sabo groans awake and is greeted by the pained teary face of Ace and an equally teary, but grinning stranger

 the shock of the scene jolts Sabo upright and he asks what's wrong? What happened? Ace just points to the boy beside him. It's Luffy, he says through clenched teeth, as if he were trying his best to stave off a breakdown. Huh? Sabo replies, what about Luffy?

 it's LUFFY, Ace grits out again, and this time Luffy chimes in with a cheery, Sabo! and leans in close to his face. Sabo is still confused and Ace nearly snarls in frustration. Luffy's ALIVE, Ace growls, and Luffy laughs. Sabo stares at Luffy and understanding slowly dawns.

 Luffy? he asks in disbelief, and Luffy nods excitedly before crowding in Sabo's face even more. Sabo! Luffy says with a smile and starts repeating his name like he had done with Ace earlier. Sabo, Luffy's been here this whole time, Ace says in a pained whisper.

 This whole time? And the same realization that Ace had grows in Sabo. Luffy, you've been here, all alone...? And we were so close? Sabo's body moves and wraps Luffy's body in a bone crushing hug. Luffy, I- we didn't know! Sabo stammers but it sounds like a terrible excuse.

 Guilt is devouring both Ace and Sabo but Luffy is only smiling. He's overjoyed that his brothers are here, and with their help he can definitely get off this island now! Things do work out!

 We have to go back to Dawn Island, Sabo says suddenly. We need to take Luffy home and we- we gotta tell Gramps! And Dadan and Makino! Luffy's okay! He's okay! And it's like a dam breaks and Sabo is the first one to break down into a full-body sob.

 Luffy gives a cry of dismay and does his best to comfort Sabo. Ace gives in and wraps both Luffy and Sabo in a hug. Both older brothers are whispering apologies to Luffy responds with just wrapping his arms several times around them both in one of his infamous rubbery hugs.

 like luffy had tried to explain earlier, the brothers' ship is beached on the coast and, surprisingly, only suffering a few minor scuffs. their departure is fairly swift, only waiting for the ideal weather after gathering some supplies and luffy's scant belongings

 Perhaps one or two of Luffy's animal friends joins them, but regardless, with the help of a 3 man crew, a sturdy ship, and an actual navigator, Luffy finally escapes the island, and the 3 brothers head home.

 Now all Ace and Sabo have to worry about is helping Luffy readjust to human civilization........

[lovelazarus]

rating: Mature

archive warning: graphic depictions of violence

words: 2645

tags: Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Self-Harm (fairly graphic), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, graphic description of suicide attempt, Flashbacks, Trauma, Fluff, Fix-It of Sorts, Dean is alive, Castiel is alive, Hurt/Comfort, POV Dean Winchester, brief mention of John Winchester - Freeform, Canon-Typical Violence, Sad with a Happy Ending, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Past Abuse, Homophobic Language, 15x20 Fix-It

summary: (This fic starts out with a graphic dream/flashback of Dean's mid-20s.) Cas showed up to save Dean in 15x20 after he let himself get impaled on rebar, his attempt to stop living while thinking Cas was truly gone in the Empty. It's been a few months since that event in the Barn. Things have been calm since Chuck lost his power & Jack brought Castiel back to help rebuild heaven (although Jack isn't in this directly!). Even with things being okay, Dean's decades of trauma are still bubbling up and Dean has to face the reality of his actions (past & present).

PLEASE read all tags before reading!

The last thing Dean remembers is sitting down on the couch in the Deancave, waiting for Cas to come pick tonight's movie. He must’ve dozed off at some point because suddenly it's 2004 and he’s 25 years old again.

The two years Sammy was off at Stanford was one of Dean’s lowest points in life; including his trip to hell, being a demon & helping kick start the apocalypse. He was completely alone.

Sam was gone, John was irate and blamed Dean for Sam leaving, for not stopping him from leaving. Dean was hunting alone, without his family, for the first time in his life. His last hunt however was the first to deeply scar him irrevocably.

A father and 2 sons, roughly the same age apart as him and Sam. Both attacked by an extremely vengeful spirit, the father was gutted and the sons were supernaturally manipulated into hanging themselves. Dean walked into their house hoping to save the family after following trails of the case, but he walked into a gruesome scene that left him shaking and holding back from vomiting.

In Dean’s mind, it was a representation of his own torn apart family. He left the home, found the grave of the spirit, and put it to rest with unsteady hands and bleary eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to you in time… I could’ve saved you and I wasn’t there. I wasn’t good enough to help you. I’m so sorry.” Dean whispers, half to the victims and half to his younger brother, thousands of miles away and unable to hear his plea.

He gets to the motel room he rented with his duffle slung over his shoulder and stands outside the door with the key in his hand, almost afraid to enter, lest he finds another sick and twisted scene inside. He exhales roughly and shoves the key into the door and strides in.

All that's inside his cheap bottle of gas station whiskey and a pack of menthols.

He drops his duffle on the extra twin bed before scooping up his liquor and smokes. He wants to erase this entire hunt from his mind if he can.

Oh, how he wants to.

Three hours later his whole pack is gone, cigarette butts shoved into an old ashtray, and 3/4th the bottle of whiskey is sitting harshly in his stomach. Dean can’t stop picturing that family as his own. Thoughts of his father’s anger circle inside his mind like a tornado.

“I told you to watch out for Sammy, boy! Do you even use that brain other than to continuously disappoint me and fail your brother? To fail Mary?”

HIT

“I left you alone for two weeks! TWO WEEKS THAT'S ALL! Now Sam has run off and you’re going to pay for it.”

HIT

“So you blew through all the money I left you and now you’re turning tricks like some little faggot? You’re going to influence Sammy to that shit and I won’t allow my sons to be like that.”

HIT

With each memory of John rushing back into Dean’s mind, he can still feel the physical hits coming. His dad was right. This would never have happened if he hadn’t been more careful. If he had protected Sam like he was told to. If he had been a better son.

He finishes the last of the whiskey as the screams of his father’s voice start to fade back into the black void inside his mind. But the moment the last drop of liquor touches his tongue, he breaks. Every punch landed by his father that he took in order to protect Sam comes rushing back. Every harsh word and drunken fight he got into. Every argument with Sam over being too controlling, too much of a soldier.

Dean feels sick.

The toilet in that crappy motel room has certainly seen better days, but no matter how much Dean vomits, he stays just as drunk.

In a moment of blind anger, he destroys the kitchenette, the TV, and the nightstand. He chucks the empty whiskey bottle at the wall and watches the glass fly everywhere as it shatters.

He absent-mindedly picks up a large piece of glass.

This could kill me. One quick and easy slash to my neck or wrist and that’d be it. No more pain for Sam, and no more disappointment for dad.

He lets his hand drop to his side and allows the shard to fall to the floor. This isn’t the first time he’s had thoughts like this in moments of weakness, but it's certainly the first time there was a calm push behind it. He collapses to his knees with a broken sob. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. He's tired.

God, he is so tired.

Dean isn’t sure when he decided this was his only option to stop the deep visceral pain he’s feeling, but it's where he’s at now.

Swallow all the pills in the med bag? No, that's what bitches and girls do, plus… it's painful.

Slit his wrists in a nice warm bath? Even worse than pills! You really are some kind of faggot, aren’t you?

Shotgun to the face? Now that's the man’s way out.

He pauses, looking over to his favorite sawed-off. It’ll be an absolute mess if that’s the way he goes. He thinks again to the family he couldn’t save; how gory and horrific it was. He shudders and breathes in sharply. He can’t do that to someone else, especially not some innocent civilian.

“Of course,” he mutters under his breath “I have a rope in the trunk.” So that’s the plan.

He stuffs all his shit into his duffle, writes out an apology to Sam, Bobby, and John (it’s a suicide note, but it doesn’t explain anything), and then he ties a military-grade noose. He finds a chair that isn’t completely destroyed by his earlier rage and begins to tie the rope onto the ceiling fan.

He stands there for a moment, contemplating. “Am I really about to do this? I’ve fought monsters and demons and ghosts for twenty years and this is where it ends?”

He shakes his head and shrugs.

“Always knew I'd die before thirty.”

He raises the noose to his head and just as he is about to slide it around his throat… The chair breaks apart, and he's left lying on his back with the wind knocked out of him.

“FUCK!” he manages to yell out before his lungs and chest start burning again. Tears begin to pinprick at his eyes as he lays motionless (and probably concussed, he didn’t break his fall at all). “I can’t even kill myself right.” he thinks to himself.

Slowly, he gets himself off the floor, groaning at the pain in his skull and back as he does. Crawling over to his bed, he sees the glass shard he dropped earlier.

“I just want to stop this fucking FEELING” his mind screams. “Just do SOMETHING you worthless son of a bitch!”

He picks the glass back up.

Everything is hazy when his brain starts to come into focus again. His hands feel slick and wet, so he brings them to his face to see what he touched.

Blood.

His own blood.

Three long gashes across his forearm, roughly a quarter-inch deep and four inches long each. He needs to stitch himself up for sure.

30 minutes later and it just looks like a hunt gone bad, his arm is sewn up and all the motel towels are stained red.

For a fleeting moment, he feels at peace. The rush of discovering what he did in a fog of failing to kill himself and the overwhelming feeling of failing his family, he feels like this was something he deserved. Like he deserved to be punished.

After an hour of dissociating and staring at the wall, he passes out and sinks into a moment of silent nothingness. No nightmares, not yet.

Dean practically jumps out of his skin when he hears Cas’s voice from the doorway.

“Dean? You look pale. What's going on?” Castiel asks with his familiar cadence.

Dean wishes he knew what brought that memory back up. Instead, he plasters on a fake smile and shakes his head reassuringly the best he can.

“Nothing Cas, just thinking I guess. What took you so long? You burn the popcorn or somethin?” Dean knows he sounds insincere, he knows that Cas knows, too. He doesn't want Cas to worry any more than he already does, though.

“Dean, your heart rate sped up and you were on the verge of hyperventilating, what happened?”

Damn it. He should’ve known Cas could still do that weird x-ray angel shit. Instead of trying to hide it further, he sighs and motions for Castiel to sit beside him on the couch.

However, he blanches when Cas passes behind him and brushes his hand against Dean’s shoulder. Cas sits down carefully, not to overwhelm Dean. Castiel has seen him during a flashback before, especially after hell. Cas looks inviting, ready to listen to whatever Dean has to say. Cas was always trying to be open with him lately, Dean knows it’s because of the struggles the last six months.

Cas dying, if briefly. Dean ALMOST dying, because of it.

Wait…

That's when Dean realizes.

Every time he’s lost someone, it's been bad. Drunk passed out on the floor, let Baby be filthy, run into hunts without any concern for his safety, bad…

The two worst times were when he lost Sammy, and when he thought he lost Cas to the Empty.

Dean must’ve been sitting there with a strange look on his face for a while cause Cas reaches out gingerly to silently ask if he’s alright. Dean gives him a half-smile and lets out the breath he was apparently holding.

“Cas, did I ever tell you about what I did in 2004 when Sam was off at Stanford and I was hunting by myself?”

Cas tilts his head in that endearing way he always does, “Not that I recall. Is something from back then troubling you now still?”

Dean clenches his jaw and runs a hand over his mouth, a nervous tic he picked up from John decades ago. “I did something similar back then to what I did in that barn. I gave up.”

Castiel’s eyes widen a bit, starting to understand what Dean is trying to say, but staying silent, to let him get this out.

Dean cracks a wry chuckle, “y’know, when you pulled me outta hell and into my body again, I was surprised you wiped the slate and got rid of all my scars.” He glances at Castiel, just for a moment, to see his reaction. It's soft but a little confused.

“At the time, I thought you would like to come back whole. A fresh start after what you went through in hell. I know now that life is about the imperfections and that the littlest things have meaning and memories. I’m sorry if I took those from you, Dean.” Cas meets Dean’s eyes with apologetic fondness and sincerity.

“Cas, it's okay. Really. Sometimes… I don't know, there's some scars I just miss sometimes.” He runs his hand along his forearm, where the self-harm scars would’ve been. “The ones that were here… they gave me a constant reminder of what almost happened. What I almost did.” Dean can feel his face getting warm as he talks about it, eyes watering up but no tears slip down his face.

Cas seems to nod along, waiting for him to continue with concerned patience. “I tried to kill myself back in ‘04. Sam was gone and doing fine without me, he had Jess. Dad was pissed at me for not getting him to stay and hunt. I had no one. I hit a low point after finding a really fucked up case about a vengeful spirit that gutted a family, father, and two sons…” Dean chokes up, as he pictures the glazed eyes of the corpses he found. A shiver runs down his spine as he can still picture it like it was yesterday.

“You saw your father and Sam in them and it brought up a lot of emotions, that’s understandable.” Cas tries to reassure him but doesn’t quite understand what Dean’s trying to get at.

“I got drunk after I salt and burned the spirit's corpse. I felt empty inside and like nobody needed me. I couldn’t save those kids and I didn't see any point in saving myself…” tears are now flowing gently down Dean’s face as he tries to push out what he needs to say, what he needs Cas to understand about this. “When you, when you said all that stuff before you left… I felt that same exact way. Even though I had Sam and Jack and then the whole bullshit after with Chuck and Lucifer and Michael… I felt so damn alone. Like I’d failed you, cause I couldn’t even save someone I love the most.” Dean’s voice goes harsh as he full-on sobs at those last few words.

The past few months since Castiel has been back, they haven’t talked about Cas's confession before being taken by the Empty, and Dean hasn’t said it aloud (even though his mind is screaming those three words every time he looks at Cas). Dean feels Cas touch his hand gently, reverently. A sob violently racks his body as he looks up into blue eyes also filled with tears.

“I’m so sorry Dean. I’m sorry.” the last word catches in his throat as Dean grabs his hand fully, intertwining their fingers.

“I know Cas. You did it to save me. You seem to keep doing that, huh? From hell, saying yes to Michael, Billie, from myself…” Dean softly strokes his thumb against Cas’s hand while tear tracks continue to stain his face. “Cas, thank you. I know I’ll never be able to pay you back for all that you’ve done for me and for Sam but… thank you.”

They lock eyes for a moment, Dean knows Cas loves him and he knows he loves Cas. He can’t think of a goddamn thing standing in the way right now. Dean releases Cas’s hand, cups his face, and brings their lips together, finally.

It takes a moment for Castiel to understand what's happening, but he quickly catches up and kisses Dean back fervently.

Cas tastes like summer rain after a long drought, like lightning and thunder all at once, like earth and something ethereal Dean can’t quite place. Cas tastes like coming home, and he is.

“Me too, Cas. Son of a bitch, I love you too.” he whispers into Cas’s mouth as Cas lets out a sob-laugh.

They pull apart for a moment, hands still against each other's cheeks. Communicating with their eyes is something they’ve mastered after 12 years, but there's something unknown now. Something new, something hopeful. And dammit if Dean isn't going to latch on to that hope.

They decide on an old western, Dean’s seen it a hundred times before. They’re leaning into each other silently watching as Dean’s eyes begin to close. He can feel Cas running his fingers against his arm, where those scars would’ve been. It's then, in the comfort of his Angel, that Dean falls fast asleep.

For the first time in 40 years, he doesn’t have nightmares. Not of yellow eyes, not of losing Sammy; not of John’s anger, not of hell; the apocalypse, Michael, Chuck, losing Cas… it all feels distant and far behind him now. When Dean wakes again, Cas still has his arms around him, eyes closed, and is running his fingers through Dean’s hair.

Dean knows all his trauma won't just vanish, but in this moment with Cas...it feels possible.

[luluwquidprocrow]

love was made for me and you (and you)

originally posted: february 15th, 2019

word count: 22,821 words

rated: teen

beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/lemony snicket, beatrice baudelaire/bertrand baudelaire

violet baudelaire, klaus baudelaire, beatrice baudelaire, lemony snicket, bertrand baudelaire, kit snicket, the duchess of winnipeg, dewey denouement, olivia caliban, beatrice snicket

alternate universe – modern setting, alternate universe – everybody lives/nobody dies, alternate universe – parent trap fusion, family, romantic comedy, humor, with occasional required sad undertones, screenplay/script format, less of a fic and more of an outline but one hell of an outline, with enthusiastic swearing by yours truly, referenced but very background kit/dewey and duchess/olivia

Summary:

[so beatrice is nicholas, lemony is elizabeth, violet is annie, klaus is hallie, bertrand is the absolute worst at being meredith because he is a Genuinely Nice Person so honestly he’s really not meredith at all, and those parallels are all a little loose anyway because i moved places and conversations and character roles and basically everything around, everyone is just a mess. where is vfd????? i sure don't know.]

Notes:

back in march 2018, the good the iconic the legendary the CLASSIC ace attorney parent trap au came back on my dash and I decided to rewatch the parent trap a few days later, and as I was watching it, I thought, ‘i wonder how that would work with asoue, and lemony and beatrice, and of course with them getting together with bertrand,’ because I will of course ship the three of them together in any fic I can, but I told myself ‘girl, you cannot write this fic. you have too many other fics to write, you canNOT write this fic.’

I then told myself, ‘well, yeah, okay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t outline it.’

and then the outline spun wildly out of control, to the point where i was never going to write it as a full actual fic because it wasn't going to work like that anymore, but also to the point where it had a life of its own and was in my opinion somehow still worth reading like an actual fic. this is over 20k of a lemonberry ice parent trap au half-fic/half-outline/half-weird-script/wonderful mess of conversations and headcanons, and I genuinely hope my weirdly detailed ramblings (and unapologetic swearing) bring people as much unbridled joy as they bring me. I wrote this with the intention to have fun, and I hope!! you have fun too!!!

I think you can get through this with a working knowledge of the parent trap movie (1998 version) but a thorough knowledge is also very good

title obviously corrupted from love by nat king cole

.

lemony and beatrice, young and definitely foolish and definitely in love but totally not thinking this through, marry (fairly soon after college) and beatrice has twins, violet and klaus (violet is two minutes older, their birthday in this splits the difference between (what I personally image to be) their canon birthdays, so that’s, what, january 8th or something???? first I had it as the 3rd but nick and liz marry in the movie on january 8th and I was like ‘well that’s not too big a change to make in the name of a good reference’).

not long after, their marriage dissolves (for, well, pretty much canon reasons???? I mean like with less accusations of arson and criminal activity. lemony has Radical Commitment Issues and beatrice is Impulsive and Angry and Not Taking Anyone’s Shit and honestly how they made it through marriage and having kids with all those problems completely in tact and never doing anything about them is anyone’s guess, love is Occasionally Not Cool), they divorce, and lemony takes violet and beatrice takes klaus.

they both leave The City which I have always imagined as new york even though i’ve never spent a second there in my life, but anyway, beatrice does go to california (she likes the weather, but she does not end up in sanfran (danhan’s hometown) – the part of me simultaneously obsessed with a different fandom is screaming santa barbara!!!! but no i’m going to stick with the movie and say although she’s not in a vineyard she is in napa), the idea of lemony just being in england as like, a concept, and especially with a broken heart, is hilarious to me

kit: do I have to confiscate your copy of keats?

kit: do I?

kit: do I, lemony??????

beatrice raises klaus with the help of the duchess of winnipeg (and ramona’s delightfully sentimental and frankly adorable wife, olivia caliban, I will sail this ship single-handedly I guess) (what is ramona doing in california????? OH MAN DO I FINALLY GET TO BUST OUT THIS LINE I TOOK OUT OF THE BAYBEA FIC

ramona: have you seen winnipeg lately???

ramona: there’s not much for me to duchess over.

actually it’s probably that ramona’s mother is still alive in this (otherwise what would be the POINT of everybody lives/nobody dies modern au???? fucking fight me) and she takes care of winnipeg and ramona was like ‘…...canada’s not doing it for me’ and her mother was like ‘canada doesn’t do it much for anyone, dear.’ and ramona skedaddled to california with olivia, which worked out because they have banging careers as artists out in california.) (ramona paints (she likes watercolors and pastels), olivia actually writes historical fiction lesbian romance novels (where everyone also lives!!! she writes an on point jazz age novel only everyone lives and it’s great) (why historical fiction??? olivia is a sucker for romance and loves big sweeping romance epics….and ramona) (are her books just. period piece self-inserts with her and ramona??? well why the FUCK not), they are both………..really too good for this world.) (anyway bea has zero (0) family with which to raise klaus so ramona and olivia offer to help her out. out of the goodness of their hearts and long-standing friendship, not because they have any experience raising a child. they do not. have any experience.)

and lemony raises violet with the help of his sister. kit and dewey get together earlier, and have their daughter earlier (violet’s….five or six when she’s born?), and name her (obvs not beatrice) bernadette (I have Specific Reasons for naming her bernadette, however that is in my giant list of bernadette headcanons, which is a whole other Thing). beatrice is an actress (klaus can’t act for shit, sorry), lemony is a writer (violet doesn’t have a poetic bone in her body, sorry). (but violet can act and klaus is pretty good at putting words together.)

ELEVEN YEARS AGO BY, or, well, eleven and a half, I guess, eleven and a half delightful years filled with the following –

-lemony and beatrice fervently denying they ever married each other and trying to forget the other even exists, what do you mean you have photographic evidence, we were definitely not married

-ramona’s mother briefly going to california to tell three grown women how to change a diaper

-klaus, age one and a half, crawling up the staircase in their house all by himself to get to the library, beatrice promptly dies out of sheer terror

(true event. I did that.)

-violet getting ahold of a wrench at the same age and fixing one of the loose bars in her crib

(not a true event. I did not do that.)

-dewey and jacques, trying to fix the curtains in violet’s room, immediately and silently agreeing to never tell lemony they were The Worst Uncles In Existence for five seconds for accidentally dropping the wrench in violet’s crib

-beatrice training herself not to do a double-take every time she sees klaus with a book because he looks fleetingly like lemony, just for that second

-lemony lulling violet to sleep with a variety of accordion songs, violet’s favorite is his rendition of what he says is ‘a song about spending a day on the beach’ but is actually why I cry by the magnetic fields (particularly danhan’s rendition of it with ben gibbard.)

-hey I never said they were successful at forgetting each other, especially when the kids were kids

-a truly harrowing number of children’s birthday parties

-kit snicket, who firmly kept her maiden name, going through what she called ‘The Chillest Pregnancy In Existence, Look At Me, I’m Completely Fucking Calm’ in the middle of labor

-klaus going through a period where he only read poetry, which caused bea and ramona and olivia to speak in rhyme for a week

-violet insisting she could fix the toaster and promptly not fixing the toaster because nothing was wrong with the toaster (it just wasn’t plugged in.)

-beatrice appearing in a number of plays, klaus being enchanted when she’s in les mis and reading the book but, in fact, only finding the outrageously long sewer chapter interesting

-violet trying to write a poem for lemony for father’s day and rhyming ‘orange’ with ‘mortgage’

that summer, they both wind up sending violet and klaus to the same summer camp excursion, because what sort of comedy would this be without the wildest coincidence ever, honestly

kit drops violet off at the camp a la martin – will lemony get on a plane?? that is a resounding No (also he would have just cried the whole time. the whole time. the. whole. time.)

however lemony is the one who does the ‘fruits, vegetables’ thing, only before violet leaves, and he gives her a million hugs and honestly doesn’t want her to go to camp oh my god, it’s only because violet tells him he’s sort of squishing her that he stops hugging her, lemony is???? like the most concerned parent of all time

kit, meanwhile….

kit: I was going to give you a new dart set but I was informed that they would not let you through customs.

violet: uncle dewey told you, didn’t he.

kit: I married a real killjoy, violet.

I honestly cannot think of a scene for klaus to parallel hallie meeting glasses and tie dye girl while getting her duffel bag. I thought of putting the quagmires in this but I think that’s…...pushing the identical envelope a little here (would’ve been worth it though for the brief note I used to have here that was just isadora shouting ‘HOW DID THEY TAKE SO LONG TO REALIZE THEY WERE RELATED THEY LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE’)

i’m sure they hang out with like-minded people before running into each other, it’s a good camp and they literally never talk to those other characters again anyway, which is, a real shame

we can all at least rest assured that klaus gets to camp in once piece regardless and doesn’t have a conversation about darts and airport customs, anyway beatrice, ramona, and olivia each smuggle a deck of cards into his suitcase as a surprise and he has three card decks and impresses all the other kids in his cabin with a giant architecturally sound house of cards made to resemble thoreau’s cabin at walden pond

hey annie and hallie are both allergic to strawberries and KLAUS AND VIOLET ARE ALLERGIC TO PEPPERMINTS

before they meet there’s probably a moment like with marva sr and the strawberries (I just had a horrifying thought that JEROME is the camp counselor (esme is nowhere in this. olaf is nowhere in this.) and that’s…………..awful, but, as I was writing the following scene, you know who I wrote him more like?????? arthur fucking poe, what did I just fucking do, honestly poe is a WORSE choice but…...well

mr. poe: we have peppermint brownies today!

[I just saw someone on the food network make peppermint cheesecake brownies and I want them so bad]

klaus: oh, i’m allergic

mr. poe: oh, well, please live

mr. poe: I cannot perform cpr

klaus: …………………………………………………………….shouldn’t you maybe –

mr. poe: for your own personal safety and especially my own i’m going to have to ask you to step away from the brownies

[violet shows up on mr poe’s other side]

violet: oh! peppermint, i’m allergic

mr. poe: another – didn’t I just see you? how did your hair get longer that fast? that’s not an allergic reaction, is it?

violet: ……………………………………………………………...i don’t think that’s –

mr. poe: i’m going to eat this entire brownie pan to save lives, but also because I want these brownies

he came out more like show!poe instead of book!poe but, I do not care, no one cares about mr. poe.

SO, violet and klaus eventually do meet and have practically zero immediate animosity, also through fencing!!! lemony and bea are both canonically badass fencers but I stand by what I said in fight me, that lemony is the better fencer, and violet wins. klaus concedes his loss to a talented fencer. they take off their masks and are like WHOA WE LOOK REASONABLY SIMILAR

violet: I don’t know, I think your eyes might be little farther apart than mine.

klaus: oh, don’t worry, i’ll probably grow into them. it can take some time before people really grow into their faces.

however this does get them talking and they find out they have so much in common! they’re like, ‘you like books and only have one super weird parent??? what a coincidence!’

then they find out they both play cards. (this stays, cause poker games are gold and I am reasonably sure watching the parent trap so much as a kid was what instilled this love of ‘hilarious poker games’ in me because I used to jam them into my fanfics all the time.) (also explains why I only know two poker hands….)

they hold an (amicable!) poker game that night with all the campers, and they do like a round robin tournament sort of thing and swap tips all night until it’s just the two of them facing each other, and klaus wins. (lemony is Pretty Good at cards and definitely taught violet BUT you’re damn right bea taught her kid how to count cards. not that klaus wins through cheating, he also has a natural talent and bea’s impeccable poker face. klaus also hangs out with ramona, who has repeatedly kicked lemony’s ass at cards as well.)

since they still have to wind up in the isolation cabin (because how else are they going to secretly plan swapping identities with NO GODDAMN COUNSELOR noticing???), CARMELITA is at camp and busts them for the poker game. she got eliminated pretty early in the game and camped out outside the cabin the rest of the kids were in waiting until someone won and then got mr. poe.

mr poe: gambling is not for children! unless of course you have a verified accountant or, perhaps, an established banker who wanted to embark on a personal journey and decided to run a camp for small children but has always wanted to go back and manage money again because, you know, even after the two scandals, I was good at – but we don’t have time for this, violet, klaus, it’s very irresponsible to try and get adults going on a tangent to avoid your responsibilities.

violet and klaus: but we didn’t –

mr poe: i’m afraid that I have no other choice but to send you to the isolation cabin.

carmelita: cakesniffers in the isolation cabin!!! CAKESNIFFERS IN THE ISOLATION CABIN!!!!

oh……..that was painful.

AT LEAST THE CABIN IS LIKE A NICE GOOD CABIN AND NOT the orphan shack, also like how far into the woods is the isolation cabin???? do the marvas really just leave kids out there?????? come on, marvas…..

and so our heroes get stuck in a windy lil cabin out in the woods.

what do they do when they hang out there, since they have Zero Animosity???? talk about books. read books. klaus does sketches of various local leaves. violet rewires the lamps so they don’t flicker and rigs up the windows so they don’t bang open in the middle of the night. the only thing they argue about is how to make toast, which isn’t even IN the cabin (unless violet makes something into a toaster), whatever

does klaus have a stuffed animal like cuppy???? damn straight he does. because why the hell not. (some boys play with dolls? SOME BOYS HAVE STUFFED ANIMALS)

i’m being really basic here but it’s a teddy bear BUT bea made lil wire glasses for it because klaus got glasses when he was real little so she thought he’d feel better if his favorite stuffed animal also had glasses (bea wears glasses but she HATES wearing them although I think after klaus gets glasses she tries to wear them more because bea is supportive as hell) (she needs new glasses though like they’re still these big thick black frames from her goth phase and she hates them but she hates the idea of an eye doctor appointment more) (bold of me to assume bea has ever honestly stopped having a goth phase, though…)

oh gosh what is the bear’s name

what’s something like super nerdy but cute for a small book-loving child to have named a bear

oh no, he names it kenneth. bea reads baby klaus the wind in the willows and he names his bear kenneth and this is so cute. I can’t fucking handle this, oh my god

honestly I am one of those people who thinks oreos w/ peanut butter would be pretty disgusting. (I mean, without the cream in the middle, sure, that probably tastes good, but like, with the cream and the peanut butter???? no) their snack of choice is………….hey isn’t there a snack in penultimate peril at the picnic it’s mentioned they like

or is just because I have that particular book within three feet of me, i’m gonna check

okay, it does mention that klaus likes custard eclairs, violet makes a smoked fish sandwich and wants to try the chocolate spread. maybe they just like oreos, sans peanut butter. I like oreos. (also, you can’t stash eclairs in a suitcase.

olivia, staring at a series of freshly-baked custard eclairs and a collection of tupperware containers: ….do you think I made too much??

ramona: olivia, he’s – he’s just going to summer camp.)

ANYWAY, how do they realize they’re siblings???? like???? how do

do they have half pictures in this??????? I think that’s honestly going to be the easiest way

like, of course lemony and beatrice would have a wedding picture, and they are both absolutely extra and dramatic enough to have each other’s half

it probably is still a ‘sitting at a table, staring lovingly at each other’ sort of thing, lemony in a white suit and beatrice in a suitably extravagant but actually still somehow very low-key for her wedding dress (there’s a lot of tulle though, like………..layers of tulle………………………..), their color scheme flower-wise was red and white roses because like, what fucking else would they pick at that time (they are only JUST convinced by like, jacques, probably, to do red/white instead of red/black, beatrice personally wanted purple/black)

kit gave violet the picture of beatrice, because while she hasn’t spoken to beatrice since her brother’s divorce, she does think lemony and bea could stand to talk to each other

(although I headcanon kit as the kind of person to firmly forget about past romances and put them behind her THROUGH ANY MEANS NECESSARY this is not strict asoue canon, and she always liked beatrice, anyway. lemony and bea breaking up isn’t like kit and olaf breaking up, which, i’m not even gonna try and touch in this)

klaus found the picture of lemony when he was reading through anna karenina (beatrice forgot she put it in there when she let klaus read it) and figured immediately that it had to be his father, and he kept it (maybe he showed it to ramona, who was like, ‘yep, that was your father. goodness, I forgot how awful his hair looked back then.’)

they’re probably reading some book about geography (klaus is into geography at the time)

klaus: my mother says that for my birthday next year, she’ll take me on a trip to see the famous hinterlands sunset.

violet: my father’s shown me pictures, but he agrees that it’s a lot prettier in person, but he’s also not one for planes.

klaus: well, I don’t believe hinterlands are technically confined to one geographical area, i’m sure there’s more than just in california – here, i’m sure there must be more information in the index.

violet: when’s your birthday, klaus?

klaus: january 8th.

violet: !!!! that’s my birthday!

klaus: !!! that is an extraordinary coincidence.

I never said these kids were smart.

klaus: violet, what’s your father like?

violet: he’s kind of quiet, but he’s very kind. oh, I have a picture of him – well, sort of –

she pulls out from one of her own books a picture of lemony, from behind, sitting at his desk at his typewriter, absolutely no recognizable features present whatsoever

violet: he didn’t know aunt kit was taking the picture, otherwise he would’ve turned around.

violet: actually, even then he probably wouldn’t have? he insists he’s not very photogenic.

violet: what about your father?

klaus: i’ve never met him. he’s – my mother doesn’t talk about him much, but I got the impression that they divorced shortly after I was born.

violet: oh, gosh. i’m sorry, klaus.

violet: ….sometimes I think I get that impression too, about my parents.

klaus: i’m sorry too, violet.

and if this were a snicket novel, insert soft, gentle explanation about divorce and commiseration and finding kindred spirits in your friends and how sometimes love does not work out and the affects we don’t realize it has on the children who watch it happen or see the aftermath and are left with the gnawing wonder of what went wrong and how violet and klaus each wonder, a little, what the cause was, and it can be very lonely, at the end of the day, to know that even if you have one parent who loves you very much, there is someone out there who may not love you at all, and never got the chance to know you to love you, and an even deeper part of you that wonders – no matter how young you were – were you the cause of it?

violet: oh, but I – I have a picture of my mother, my aunt kit gave it to me – I have it in my suitcase

violet: /gets up to get the picture

klaus: I, I have a picture of my father, too, in fact I think it’s stuck in this book somewhere in the back, I didn’t want to forget it

and

as violet goes to sit back down with the picture of her mother, the half-picture of beatrice from her wedding day, klaus pulls out from the index the half-picture of lemony from his wedding day

and they are

STUNNED

to realize

this is, of course, the exact same picture.

there’s a lot of hugging and crying.

so they realize they’re siblings!!! and then decide try to figure out what the hell even happened with their parents, because now that they know they’re fucking related and still somehow wound up meeting each other they realize that there has to be some incredibly detailed story behind the reasoning for their parents splitting up and now they have not just proof but an actual opportunity to find out and maybe, just maybe, get their parents back together in the process!!! it worked once!!! it could work again, why not!!!!!

AND SO THEY DECIDE TO SWAP PLACES. (contrary to hallie having the idea, it occurs to them at the same time.)

meanwhile

for the past, say, YEAR, or so, bea has been seeing bertrand, a friend from her childhood (just narrowly managing to keep it from klaus BECAUSE it will involve A Conversation About Lemony and Commitment and Marriage and Things Not Working Out and Falling In Love With Someone Else and look bea is good at a lot of things but it’s a really heavy subject for her that even after eleven years she hasn’t quite figured out how to parse, so she’s really been putting off trying to explain all of that to klaus, in a case of her vastly underestimating her son [bea you see all the books he reads…….talk to your son]), and things are going well between them and they love each other a lot and!!! they decide to get married.

how do they meet up again??? bertrand winds up going to one of her plays completely on accident. he’s been on the other side of the country for years and years and he happens to go to napa and hears about this play happening and he’s like ‘well that sounds really neat!’ because bertrand had a short-lived theater career in high school and doesn’t act all that much anymore but appreciates a good play! who doesn’t appreciate a good play??

(bertrand played lieutenant frank cioffi in his senior year production of curtains to rave local newspaper reviews. bea, meanwhile, gave a stunning performance as carmen bernstein [esme wanted to be carmen so fucking bad and she’s never forgotten that bea got the role instead, and that would not even factor into this au even if esme WAS in this au] [esme was, instead, jessica cranshaw (if it was a small school she maybe doubled as bambi), ramona was niki harris, olivia played johnny harmon, olaf was…...daryl grady……..which pains me to write cause the guy I had a crush on in high school played daryl, josephine and ike played georgia hendricks and aaron fox, jacquelyn and gustav were head of stage crew, lemony supported them all from the audience – unless lemony was sasha????!!!!!!!! okay lemony was totally sasha.]) (wow I got unnecessarily invested in their high school drama club.) (IS THEODORA THE DRAMA ADVISOR?????? oh my god. oh my god she’d be so bad at it but so good. i’m dying.

theodora: snicket you need to FLOURISH your baton with MUCH MORE GUSTO

lemony: I am going to flourish this baton right up your –

bertrand: HE’S DECIDED AGAINST IT THANK YOU MISS MARKSON)

(hey you ever write a parallel that’s so good you hate it????? olivia is johnny. olaf is daryl.)

(I usually headcanon bertrand as two years older than bea and lemony but for the purposes of this au they’re all the same age – however bertrand joined drama club first, and I picture lemony as more of a band kid than a drama kid, they probably just pull him in for curtains.

was lemony drum major???? I want to say ‘hell no’ but I also want to say ‘most cryptic drum major ever, lead the most bizarre championship performance in the school’s history, somehow still won’) (I wonder what song it was to???? that right there is where my secondhand band knowledge conks out.) (but if I HAD to supply ‘bizarre, cryptic song for championships’ I would probably pick like, david lynch’s dark night of the soul or something, idk.) (but like, listen to it and just imagine it with marching band instruments……….i kind of like it. i’m kind of digging it.)

ANYWAY BERTRAND LOVES SEEING PLAYS and he goes to see it and he has NO IDEA bea is even in it and he’s like SUPER THROWN to see her but also???? really excited! it’s been eleven years!!! he can talk to her!!!! he finds her after the play and bea immediately drops whatever she was holding and is just like???? absolutely breathless to see him again (it’s been ELEVEN YEARS, cats. oh god no it’s been more like FIFTEEN YEARS since bertrand has seen bea cause they haven’t spoken since high school oh no that hurts even MORE). a giantass hug is involved. bea spins bertrand around. they make plans to see each other later. then they start hanging out, and they like, reconcile from their weird high school fallout and have a really neat relationship)

(so

the high school fallout

lemony and bea and bertrand were all delightful friends since they were kids (well, lemony and bea were, bertrand moved to town and joined their class when they were freshman in high school). they all had stupid crushes on each other, uggg. there was. an incident. at the end of their school escapades that resulted in a falling out with bertrand (maybe they had an idea of how they all felt and just couldn’t or weren’t ready to figure it out and it sort of. drove a wedge between them. not on purpose, it was just the way it happened to work out, with teenage emotions and refusing to talk about things and uncertainty. lemony+bea and bertrand went their separate ways after graduation, lemony and bea married right out of college, bertrand does his own thing, life goes on.) (maybe there was like some prom drama about who was gonna take who and who asked who first or something (at my junior prom, I was ready to kill the guy I asked who turned me down for that very reason). I mean that’s legit???? prom drama is incredibly legit. why is there so much drama at prom??????)

(honestly after going back and writing the production of curtains and remembering the (specifically romance-related) drama I witnessed happening among the drama club at my high school (I wasn’t in drama but I had a startling number of friends who were) i’m surprised they had the drama at prom and not in the middle of drama club, but i’m still going to stand by ‘prom drama.’)

(and I feel like it was prom drama of the type that’s like, low-key there and A Thing people think about but no one talks about or addresses so the whole night is real awkward and you worry something is gonna break out at any second but nothing does but you’re still obsessively on your toes about it. like, that simultaneously high-strung just-there high school romance drama angst that’s just this ever-present layer coloring everything that people say and do, hyped up specifically because it’s PROM. they probably all danced with each other and the dances were all cut short because of Feelings and Awkwardness and no one knew what to do, the whole damn night.)

and like, bertrand, going off to college and a little heartbroken but unwilling to try and do anything about it, is upset, but bertrand is also bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire, and honestly he wants them to be happy (bertrand is……..very non-confrontational…���….and it is honestly his downfall, he likes to have fun and be nice and kind, and to acknowledge scary things is to actually deal with them and that scares bertrand so much, he buries a lot of things – so do bea and lemony, and in fact all of vfd, but in very different ways. bertrand has achieved a sort of Chill™ that bea and lemony just do not have) so he just goes on with his life, he does date other people but nothing ends in marriage, he becomes a librarian in maine and is actually only in california originally for a few months to help manage some of the collections at local libraries. then he runs into bea and he doesn’t like INTEND for a romance to happen (and neither does bea, which I also firmly stand behind for their canon romance too), he still planned to leave at the end of the few months, but it happens and bertrand feels a lot more secure in himself and his feelings about people than he did in high school and they really do love each other, a lot

oh he went to college for library science!!!! obviously lemony majored in lit and bea majored in theater and music)

(OH NO WAS BERTRAND AT THE WEDDING?????? oh no bertrand was not at the wedding. I mean he’s certainly invited but bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire is also bertrand ‘vaguely heartbroken, does not want to interfere, can actually honestly only take so much’ baudelaire and he says that he’ll be unable to make it. sigh. I want to say he sends a sweet wedding gift or even just flowers but man that makes me so sad to think about lemony and bea getting that on/around their wedding day and THEM being sad and i’m too sad now, bertrand does not send a gift. (he’s torn up about not sending a gift for some time. years later, walking through an antique shop, he is struck with the ‘Years Later But Still Feels Like It Just Happened And Oh Shit Why Did I Do That’ brand of Lingering Awful Anxiety™ about all that.)

HE DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE DIVORCE until he meets up with bea and she tells him.

bertrand: so how’s lemony????

beatrice: ahahhahahhahahhahhahahhahhahhahhahhahahaaaa!!!!!!

beatrice: ahahaha

beatrice: ahaha.

beatrice: …….oh you genuinely do not know oh shit i’m sorry

(I wanted so badly to put in my ‘bertrand and olivia were good cute friends and actually are penpals and like lemony and ramona’s ongoing card game they have an ongoing checkers game’ headcanon but it just. won’t. fit. in. here. cause why wouldn’t olivia have told him about the divorce???? I mean it’s bea’s thing to tell, NOT olivia’s, but to occasionally write to bertrand for YEARS and never mention she and ramona live with bea?????? I think that’s a little much.)

(does bertrand ever try and convince bea to reconcile with lemony???? I feel like at this point in his life he WOULD but bea would have very early on and very firmly vetoed that. and bertrand wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it but respects her wishes. not because he wants bea all to himself. but because bertrand is also quite frankly still. a little nervous re: navigating relationships. like he’s for sure A LOT BETTER at it now but like!!!! especially with lemony like bertrand is TERRIFIED of seeing lemony again. he really is. I think he thinks lemony blames him for stuff even though lemony does not. and I don’t want it to seem like bertrand’s……….just sort of swooping in and taking bea and not letting her talk to lemony????? cause it’s not that, it’s not that at all

they do really love each other

and just because bertrand’s grown as a person doesn’t mean he’s PERFECT

and bea certainly Does Not want to talk to lemony

it’s just, nick never mentions to meredith that hallie’s a twin and meredith HATES hallie and annie anyway, but bertrand does not hate kids and I just wonder, has bea told him about violet???????? like why wouldn’t she????????

so I mean yeah they probably have talked about it, and probably still came to the same conclusion, bea Does Not want to talk to lemony either, just, not right now, and yeah bertrand isn’t delighted about it but he’s like ‘alright, okay.’ because he still understands her reasoning and for all his talk he really doesn’t want to talk to lemony either

but it’s, I think it’s a thing, in the back of their minds, a worry that hits them sometimes, have they done something wrong, trying to forget)

(and this is why planning takes so much time because I always have so many stupid questions about characters)

(when bea and lemony were young and in college and extraordinarily drunk they would come up with new titles for bertrand, because they forgot they were trying not to talk about him

beatrice: bertrand ‘best hair this side of the mississippi’ baudelaire

lemony: bertrand ‘smooth hands’ baudelaire

beatrice: bertrand –

beatrice: wait do you mean like, his legit hands or like what he DOES with his hands

lemony, trying very hard not to think about Doing Things with Hands: ……..both

lemony: I definitely mean both

beatrice: good, I agree

beatrice: bertrand ‘i WILL dance the charleston and no one will stop me and I do not care’ baudelaire

lemony: bertrand ‘softest reading voice’ baudelaire

lemony: no no, wait, bertrand ‘BEST reading voice’ baudelaire, remember when he read ee cummings

beatrice: bertrand ‘i read lord of the flies and cried at the end’ baudelaire

lemony: oh bea are you complimenting him or being mean

beatrice: lemony I read lord of the flies and threw it out the fucking window when that kid killed piggy

beatrice: that was a compliment)

(ee cummings is because I have a scene in another fic where bertrand reads ‘maggie and milly and molly and may’ to beatrice and lemony and gosh…..i hope I get to use it at some point, it was a beautiful scene)

(they probably stop talking about bertrand like, sophomore year of college, idk, it just gets too hard and they become really miserable drunk nineteen-year-olds about it, and that’s not cool) (AT LEAST THEY HAVE THE WHEREWITHAL TO DO THAT)

ANYWAY, back to violet and klaus, who are still at camp and have decided to switch places!

ultimately, violet (like hallie) is supposed to find out how bea and lemony got together, and klaus (like annie) is supposed to find out why they broke up

violet cuts her hair (she’s a little bummed because she likes her hair but at least it won’t get in her way when inventing) and pierces klaus’s ears (klaus is so UP FOR THIS he’s very excited, also he keeps himself calm during it by telling violet the history of ear piercing) (these kids are either canonically very good at rationalizing or it’s just me radically projecting again…..or both), klaus practices wandering around without glasses (he bumps into EVERYTHING), violet practices how to fucking wear glasses and not die (she falls over EVERYTHING), of course violet already has an appreciation for books but she has to get the definition thing down (and growing up with lemony ‘a phrase which here means’ snicket left her with a pretty unorthodox idea of word meanings sometimes

klaus: so an optimist is someone who sees a positive side in any situation, like –

violet: say, if their arm was bit off by an alligator, a pessimist would say, “ahh! my arm!” and an optimist would say, “well, this isn’t too bad, no one will wonder if i’m right or left handed now.”

klaus: ……….what sort of person is our father

violet: he’s very specific about words.)

klaus has to figure out?????? how to invent on the fly????? (he’s seen beatrice macgyver a million things together but he’s still not sure how she does it) and the two of them teach each other about their lives, beatrice and lemony, ramona and olivia and kit and dewey and bernadette

violet: bernadette is really delightful, but you need to watch out for her

klaus: well, she is six years old –

violet: no, I mean, she can appear at a moment’s notice, and I don’t know who taught her how to pick locks, because I certainly didn’t and father can’t pick locks, but she can do it in under seven seconds.

(jacques taught her how to pick locks (he also taught violet). I don’t know where vfd fits into all this or if it even does in this fanfic but like, just try and tell me these guys don’t still act like absurd spies in any universe anyway.) (also I think lockpicking is, in general, a handy life skill, even if you aren’t living the absurd spy life.)

klaus: mother is, um

klaus: a little embarrassing

violet: how so?

klaus: she once scaled a ten foot wall because I forgot my lunch.

(ramona: hey so why did becoming a parent rob you of your top-notch secrecy skills?

[not necessarily, though, I mean, she does a great job scaling the ten-foot wall in complete secrecy. bea just, has a lot of love for her son, and is VERY OBVIOUS ABOUT IT, is the thing]

beatrice: ramona have you SEEN my son

beatrice: I will take a BULLET for him

beatrice: preferably in a non-critical area so we can hang out afterwards.

beatrice: but if I have to embarrass the shit out of him to make sure he eats, I WILL)

violet: father is the same way, a little. he keeps crying on the first day of school and I don’t have the heart to break it to him that I might be too old for that.

klaus: mother calls encouraging phrases from the car, which I think she does to prevent me from walking into school too fast.

violet: you know, they really sound like they were made for each other.

(lemony and bea, like, separately, are such legit disaster parents and I love them, they love their kids so damn much.)

the last day of camp comes, and it is time for them to officially swap places – violet goes to beatrice, klaus goes to lemony!

klaus recites book themes to himself the whole plane ride to england to keep himself calm because he’s trying not to think about how worried and excited he is!!! he’s going to meet his father for the first time!! truth be told, he knows pretty much nothing about lemony, even after talking to violet!!! IT’S A LOT FOR ANY KID TO TAKE IN, to suddenly think ‘yeah this was a good plan – oh fuck’

anyway, he meets kit at the airport, because kit is there to pick up violet. (kit and violet do not have a secret handshake. they have, of course, dart-throwing contests. of course that doesn’t make sense in an airport, but whatever. that’s their thing.)

why does kit pick klaus up at the airport instead of lemony??? I mean kit is in martin’s role but she’s NOT martin, you know, she’s lemony’s sister and definitely does not wait on him, but she does drop violet off at camp anyway, although in the movie that’s to prevent elizabeth (and nick) from showing up until the kids switch for Maximum Emotional Impact, but like lemony is obviously not THAT fucking busy he can’t pick up his own daughter

I had the thought that like kit is maybe his manager (on the side, otherwise she has….god some other job)??? does that work for a writer???? i’m a writer and I don’t even know. whatever. and kit maybe scheduled a reading that day by accident months in advance and couldn’t change it, or it runs long, so she has to get violet (klaus) from the airport

(moxie is still his editor, only she lives way out of town and they send angry emails to each other all the time about his work)

also ties in with hallie’s scene where she looks at elizabeth’s vanity and says she’s super cool about the wedding dresses cause I love that scene a LOT and I want klaus to think his stupid dad’s cool!!!

kit: violet, I am all for the beginning of your teenage rebellion with this new hairstyle but I should inform you that your father may just die.

klaus: you think he won’t like it??

[read: YOU THINK HE WON’T LIKE ME]

kit: he’ll probably come around to it. he’s still at his reading, do you want to surprise him?

klaus: !!!!!!

klaus: yes!

the reading is huge. I have no damn idea what lemony writes in this au, definitely not danhan’s stuff cause it’s not his vibe, but he still writes the picture books (although there are YEARS between them irl he wrote the composer is dead and the dark for bernadette before she became, in her words, Too Old For That Sort of Thing although she still secretly really likes them and reads the dark every night before she goes to bed. bernadette, in contrast to babybea, is fucking terrified of the dark but tries to like rationalize it out by thinking through the science of light or something, and then by just rereading the dark), oh he probably like, okay so he can’t just write asoue but he probably writes some other great children’s book series with the same sort of writing style and moral discussion, and the picture books

and violet told klaus he wrote stuff and bea like…..knows he does and refuses to talk about it but reads ramona’s copies in the middle of the night (and then has to stop doing that cause it bums her out too much), but klaus has no idea about it or how good it is and he’s so impressed, sitting at the back of this giant giant theater, and klaus loves books, he loves them with all his heart, and to sit there and see his father, for the first time in his whole life, doing something that klaus thinks is so incredibly cool

klaus: wow.

okay, so, the damn relief and happiness on lemony’s face when he sees kit and klaus

has he been imagining terrible airplane accidents for the past week? weeks? MONTHS??? yes he has.

he sees them once he gets offstage and immediately runs at this child (or, at least, definitely fastwalks.) and sweeps klaus up into this giant giant hug

klaus is!!! overwhelmed by the amount of sheer unadulterated love in this hug oh no i’m crying

putting aside that he’s pretending to be violet, this is the first time he gets a hug from his father and even if lemony thinks he’s violet klaus is still the one getting the hug and it’s just, a lot, man, it’s a lot, that scene in the movie where elizabeth hugs hallie is exactly the vibe right here god it’s so fucking sweet

lemony: oh, goodness – what happened to your hair?

klaus: I – I cut it. do you –

lemony is in the process of remembering that scissors and haircuts exist, he’s a little blindsided here

lemony: no, no – haircuts are things that happen, at one time or another, to all of us.

lemony: i’m just so happy that you’re back.

he just. hugs klaus again. god I can’t handle how much lemony loves his kids. klaus is really emotional and I’M really emotional I have to move on

on the ride home (kit is still driving)

lemony: so how was it at camp?

klaus: /frantically thinking of how he’s going to pull off something violet would say now that he’s HERE and has to act like her and decides to just be honest and hope it comes out okay

klaus: I had a lot of fun; the outdoors are incredibly pulchritudinous.

lemony: /thoroughly convinced that the outdoors has finally instilled violet with a greater poetic sense

I NEVER SAID THEIR PARENTS WERE SMART EITHER

do you know how wild the plot of this movie really is, when you get down to it, parents not recognizing their kids wtf have I done

violet can act pretty passably as klaus, but klaus, even employing beatrice’s acting techniques, just can’t act. but the one who finds him out is bernadette, like half an hour after he gets home.

[you can tell what scenes originally started this outline because they’re actually written like scenes, this was one of them]

[bernadette stares at klaus with wide, curious eyes over the top of her book. “you’re not violet,” she says.

the bottom of klaus’s stomach drops clear out. “what?”

“violet doesn’t squint when she’s confused,” bernadette says. “she frowns and puts her hair up. and it’s something she’s used to doing, so even if her hair was cut, she’d still reach for a ribbon, out of habit. you’re klaus. shouldn’t you have glasses? mother says aunt beatrice wore glasses.”

“how – how did you know about me?”

bernadette rolls her eyes. “i know everything,” she says loftily, for a six year old. “i can read, after all.”]

bernadette is the best kid. so I love babybea so much but babybea in canon is like…..still very on point but very quiet about it, because she’s grown up with really so little interaction with people????? she’s like a really subdued kid because she’s had to be so independent and do so many things herself. and she’s got her firm, almost unshakable optimism. so bernadette is still very quick and clever but a LOT more precocious about it and pretty boisterous for six years old and just. even more like kit than babybea is. her optimism is a little more…..sharp in this. I don’t think she understands embarrassment, as a thing that people experience, because she sure doesn’t. she’s just like, ‘well why don’t you just try again??????’ and it’s so great to see that inherent commitment to existence in a six year old

(an important sidenote from my bernadette headcanon list, though, is that she really does just read everything. she reads cereal boxes and magazines and reports and all the papers on lemony’s desk and really just absolutely anything she can get her hands on, and she’s easily bored so she goes looking for stuff sometimes and she’s good at putting things together, so that’s how she knows about klaus.)

[“i’m not gonna tell anybody,” she says. “i wanna see what happens. uncle lemony’s kind of lonely, you know? and aunt beatrice – when they talk about her – always sounded really nice.”]

bernadette makes it her MISSION to help klaus act more like violet and cover for him as much as she can

bernadette: you need to walk different

bernadette: and hold yourself a little taller

bernadette: here, keep this wrench in your pocket, violet likes wrenches

bernadette: and this ribbon!!! she didn’t give you any????

bernadette: oh, make sure you stare off into the distance while eating and think about machines or something

klaus: how do you notice all these things???

bernadette: ?????? doesn’t everybody?????? she’s your sister, you two didn’t follow each other around to try and pin down how you act????

klaus: …..do you do that, bernadette

bernadette: regularly. I can impersonate anyone’s footsteps. except my mother’s, because I think she keeps wearing different shoes on purpose. i’ll show you sometime.

so, armed with This Random Wrench and a lot of acting details that he can’t process very well, klaus HANGS OUT WITH LEMONY

so klaus spends a lot of time in the library in lemony’s house (which also doubles as lemony’s office, it’s big enough that he and violet can take separate corners and know each other’s there but not run into each other if they don’t want to (especially good for klaus pretending to be violet because no one has to see him TOTALLY FAIL AT INVENTING)), and it has so many books and klaus is so thrilled

klaus has to try and bring up bea and find out how they met, only, DISCREETLY

[gosh this one is a lot harder without “so doesn’t designing all those wedding dresses make you think about getting married again?”, especially because the truly spectacular “f word” line doesn’t make sense with lemony but what can you do]

he probably goes up to lemony while lemony’s at his desk because klaus figures, the easiest way could be to relate to something on the desk

AS purposeful narrative coincidence LUCK WOULD HAVE IT lemony is looking for something in his desk and you know lemony keeps the most inconsequential things and has accidentally dug out his plaque for ‘one semester of cheerleader participation’

klaus, immediately thrown by this news: you were a cheerleader?

lemony: mm? oh, my, I forgot about that.

he smiles at the plaque and dusts it off and my heart is m e l t i n g

lemony: yes, in high school. I wasn’t the only boy on the team, as a matter of fact. a – a friend of mine did it with me.

klaus: why were you on the cheerleading squad?

lemony, trapped in this conversation now: well – your mother was on the soccer team. I was not what you would call athletically inclined at the time, so I joined to support her.

klaus: !!!!!!!

klaus: my – my mother?

this was a fact he did not know about beatrice, as a matter of fact

lemony, realizing that children are going to be curious about their parents and, well, okay, it’s been eleven years, I probably won’t see beatrice again (ahahahahaha.), and my child deserves to know: yes. she was very good at soccer, among other talents, although she didn’t last very long in her soccer career.

klaus: why not?

[if this man was PAYING ATTENTION he would have noticed for sure that klaus is much more straightforward than violet.]

lemony, remembering that time beatrice launched herself across the soccer field and accidentally tackled the assistant coach and dragged him through the mud: she and the coach disagreed on some of the physical aspects of the game.

klaus, dying to hear what lemony’s going to say: what was she like?

lemony, immediately remembering the details of their divorce but also a series of Shenanigans from their school days that he should never repeat to anyone, then resolving to be kind about it: very charming and resourceful.

lemony: she had a great deal of verve.

lemony: I see a lot of it in you.

klaus is touched, I’M touched, god fucking dammit

klaus resolves to leave it there and decides to dig around lemony’s desk later for other things about bea and lemony when lemony isn’t looking

which he promptly does, that night.

klaus sees his typewriter and pictures of kit and jacques and there’s probably one of ramona (in a drawer) (sorry, ramona.) and in a secret compartment in the desk is a pic of bea (maybe one of bertrand too?) (definitely one of bertrand too) and some letters from bea (klaus recognizes her handwriting)

(watch it be something like, some stupid candygram she sent him for valentine’s day that says dear lemony, [the content of this candygram has been censored by the school administration] love bea!!!!!) (bea gets detention for a week for the content of the candygram.) (the second candygram gets through but it’s only because bea writes it so thoroughly in code that the school administration, at a passing glance, cannot see how raunchy it is. but also very heartfelt. it is genuinely heartfelt.) (so of course he has some from bertrand too. because bertrand sent everyone a candygram. they’re all so friendly but so sweet and so cute and bertrand’s just breaking my heart in this whole fic I love him so much) (they’re stuff like, i’m so happy we’re friends! happy valentine’s day! i made sure this candygram doesn’t have anything that will conflict with your peanut allergy! like some fucking NERD and i’m SOBBING) (because you know bertrand was on student council and helped with the candygrams, bea and lemony were definitely not on student council)

(bea: what gets me is that they still sent it!! they censored my loving sonnet about your ass but they still sent it!!!!!!

bertrand: I guess nothing stops true love?

lemony: or, nothing stops beatrice mariner. [you’d have to kill me before I conceded to ‘beatrice kornbluth.’ anyway one of kornbluth’s pen names was mariner so that’s my compromise.])

klaus thinks the candygrams are so fucking embarrassing and also had no idea his mother was capable of such language but then again, no, she is, but he also thinks they’re charming and evidence that lemony still has feelings for beatrice, if he kept them!!

he’s, intrigued, a little concerned, but not very worried about this mysterious picture of a strange man and his own candygrams, although klaus concedes they too are very sweet.

MEANWHILE, back in california

bea is so so so so so excited to pick up klaus (not knowing it’s violet) from the airport, like she manages to sit still for most of the wait but in the last half hour she just sort of bounces around the airport and buys a series of irritating, tasteless teas (“fuck this tea is so bland yes i’m ordering another one, ramona, don’t judge me”) and reads the same newspaper over and over again and when the flight comes in she’s ECSTATIC, MY GIRL IS BOUNCING ALL OVER THE PLACE

she’s the kind of like……...vaguely silly but a little (a lot) overprotective (?) parent

like beatrice is the one SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS WHEN SHE SEES HER KID CAUSE SHE’S SO THRILLED, she’s just very vocal about how much she loves….

[I actually rewrote some of bea in this (or, changed the amount of capitals I had her using) because, like, bea is delightful and charming and very smooth but she’s also got such passion for life, she loves to be delighted and she loves to laugh, and she’s so smooth and sarcastic but like!!!! I love beatrice when she’s having a good time, but I got worried that she was leaning too silly in this which. irritated me.

like, in canon I feel like she is incredibly mischievous but once she gets married and has kids, she’s still very on point and loves her kids very openly but she becomes a lot more straight-laced because she’s so intent to protect them, so much so that I think she loses a little of that mischievousness. but considering the fluctuating capacity of vfd vibes in this au, I think she is a little more…….loose in this. the other thing about bea is that her veneer of perfection is her best acting job of all time, and divorcing lemony and being a single mother and raising klaus puts a big dent in that and makes her even more determined to try and wring as much joy out of life as she can without letting people know how much she has to deal with]

violet, upon getting off the plane and seeing beatrice: oh.

beatrice: look at youuuuuuuuuu LOOK AT YOU!!! you’ve got everything??? all your limbs???? nothing broken????

she says all this while like running straight at violet and patting her down and then giving her the biggest hug of all time. violet is engulfed in this hug and!!! she thought her father gave tight hugs but this is something else

I think lemony puts a lot of warmth in his hugs but beatrice puts this endless amount of joy, along with love, into her hugs, and violet’s life up until this point has been very low-key and surrounded by adults who excel at deadpanning their dialogue so this is!!! very strange but very exciting!!! because violet herself also has this very bright enthusiasm that other people in her family don’t have the same way she does so as much as it’s so different to meet beatrice it’s really cool!!!!!

[for the record, bertrand’s hugs exude safety]

re: pierced ears

beatrice: oh, ramona and olivia are gonna be real upset.

beatrice: they definitely wanted to be involved in your first rebellious teenager act.

beatrice: then again, so did I??

violet: doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a rebellious act?

beatrice, going in for a side-hug: …...i missed that snark so much

does beatrice have a dog???? she’s really not a dog person. neither are ramona and olivia (dogs scare olivia. in fact, most things scare olivia. the toaster scares olivia. she’s so nervous and I love her.) (it’s less of a josephine fear and more of a ‘please leave me alone!!!’ sort of startled fear, is how I see it)

if there is a pet, ramona and olivia have a cat that olivia named annabelle, and she’s a sweet, all-white cat who loves cuddles. she does not even care that violet isn’t klaus. she’s just like, ‘this person has arms!! this person can cuddle.’ annabelle is the best, most chill cat. (although I headcanon that bea is allergic to cats – but that was just cause I was allergic to cats, and now that i’m not allergic to cats????? GUESS IT’S FREE REIN NOW) (anyway the cat is still ramona and olivia’s.)

so bea has to introduce klaus (violet!) to bertrand, and, oh, bea

she really has been putting this conversation off for quite some time, and she decides to just, go for it, as she’s driving violet home

beatrice: klaus, there’s, there’s someone i’d like you to meet

violet: who?

beatrice: an old friend of mine. we’ve been talking recently, and he means a great deal to me, and if you don’t like him, then that’ll be it, but – I really want him to be a part of our lives, klaus. I know it’s a big change, but I’d like you to give him a chance.

violet is REALLY, REALLY THROWN HERE because she and klaus are supposed to get their parents back together!!! this isn’t supposed to happen!!! this is supposed to be a happy ending without this NEW CHALLENGER (UNACCEPTED!!!!), how is she supposed to ask about lemony now???????

violet: oh, um

violet: well, I would like to meet him

she resolves to be HARD AND UNCOMPROMISING when she meets bertrand, but, well, then she meets bertrand fucking baudelaire. bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire. bertrand ‘just desperately wants to make a good impression on his fiance’s son’ baudelaire. god I love him. what a guy.

especially because bertrand really does just want to make a good impression, and he knows klaus is into geography right now so he brings this absolutely impressive atlas as a gift

not as an attempt to bribe klaus into liking him, but to show that he’s supportive of his interests!!!!

bertrand, sweetest man alive, shaking violet’s hand: i’m so excited to finally meet you!!

violet, blindsided by the sweetest man alive: oh, thank – thank you. it’s very nice to meet you too.

bertrand: I heard you were into geography, so I brought this atlas for you! I hope it’s alright.

violet, holding the biggest, heaviest atlas she’s ever seen in her life: oh. that’s very kind of you.

they spend some time looking through it because it has so many cool details

he stays for a while and then bows out gracefully because he cares so much, hello i’m dying, and then beatrice asks violet what she thought

violet: I –

violet: I liked him a lot.

beatrice: are you sure? because I swear, it’s fine, klaus, if you’re uncomfortable, it’s absolutely okay, it’s –

violet: no no! it’s fine!

[read: IT’S NOT FINE]

violet: I have this….atlas, now.

beatrice: you could kill a man with that.

violet: probably! I probably could.

beatrice: ….so it’s okay?

violet: ….it’s okay, mother.

[read: IT’S NOT OKAY BUT WHAT ELSE CAN SHE SAY HERE] [hey you know when you take out how much of an awful person meredith is you are left with a lot less humor in this situation.]

beatrice: I don’t know what I did to deserve a child like you, klaus.

cue good, squishy hug.

[personally I cannot fathom marrying someone else and having twins and raising one of them and not trying to have a relationship with your other child because you didn’t want to work things out with first spouse, but I never said I myself was smart either, in what I chose to write (I NEVER SAID I TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT)

anyway, I do think when bea says that, she thinks about it for a second

that (as far as she knows) this is klaus, she’s known him his whole life, and she had so little time with violet and maybe she would be sweet and clever too and she doesn’t know

she doesn’t know!!!!!!!

and it tears her apart for a split second that she doesn’t have everything and before she can let it eat her alive she shoves it down and forgets about it like she does with everything else and just, moves on] [time is a scary thing – if this much time has passed, what can you do? do they care? is it easier to do nothing or does that hurt more? does it even matter when both parents know their kids don’t know about their sibling or their other parent (or as far as they know at this moment)??? does that possibly make it even a little easier????] [anyway.]

because of bertrand – or, not necessarily bertrand, but more, ‘wedding shenanigans,’ but also, yeah, bertrand – violet also spends comparatively little time with beatrice

she wants to dislike him on principle, but can’t because he’s just???? so nice!!!! he talks seriously to her about her parents and about her (well, klaus) and really wants to get to know her (well, klaus) violet is begrudgingly impressed. violet thinks klaus would be really impressed too. but she’s real worried about what means for lemony and beatrice

especially since they did this not only to get their parents back together but to spend time with the opposite parent, like!!! violet has spent practically zero (0) time with bea to get to know her!!!!

so she holds off for a little bit and just genuinely hopes bertrand will somehow be less nice

this is hard, when bertrand helps bea make dinner ever night (klaus was VERY EXPLICIT that beatrice allows NO ONE in the kitchen when she’s cooking so there’s that) and he talks so damn OPENLY to violet about being a presence in her life

bertrand: klaus, I hope you don’t think i’m intruding in your life.

violet: I understand where you’re coming from when you say that but remarriage is in fact a part of life that occurs with some frequency.

[not only death and taxes, but haircuts and remarriage….]

violet: mother said you were an old friend, though?

bertrand: yes, we went to school together.

violet: if you don’t think it’s too rude of a question

violet: you strike me as the type of person who would have had a high school sweetheart and I am perhaps a little concerned that you didn’t marry my mother earlier.

inside, violet is cringing but it’s a very klaus line.

bertrand: !

bertrand: oh, well, we didn’t date each other in high school.

violet: ! you didn’t?

bertrand: no, there was –

bertrand has been. avoiding these feelings for some time. but he’s so struck by them that he has NO poker face in this situation

bertrand: – it just didn’t work out at the time, that’s all.

but fuck violet is absolutely stunned by that look on his face

she’s never seen someone look so heartbroken before and she is, concerned, but that’s mostly ignored in favor of the sheer stress of the situation

and violet does actually get kind of angry!! about bertrand being such a good person!! she starts to get really frustrated!!! like I picture this happening over, maybe a week

she hates that she can’t tie her hair back and her thoughts are all jumbled and that she has to wear glasses and she misses her dad and she loves beatrice a lot but NOTHING IS WORKING OUT LIKE SHE WANTED IT TO

and she has to wear klaus’s glasses and keeps taking them off when she’s sure no one’s looking to rub her eyes man I want to give this kid a hug

but she also wants to make her mom happy!!! fuck this is a mess

violet: he’s been – a lot kinder than I thought he would be.

beatrice: yeah, he has that effect on people.

beatrice: when we were in high school, we called him “bertrand ‘sweetest man alive’ baudelaire.”

beatrice is viscerally reminded of Being Drunk In College and tries to shrug it off

however, violet, growing up with two detail-oriented snickets, does not miss a single thing

violet: we?

beatrice: oh, you know – nicknames, nicknames stick, klaus, everybody calls everybody things!!

violet: it just sounded as if you were….

violet: /casts around for the correct grammatical term, she’s committed, but comes up with nothing because hell even I don’t know, apologies to my grammar professor from college

violet: ….using ‘we’ to mean just you and someone else and not necessarily lots of people.

beatrice is actually vaguely suspicious to hear Less Technical Grammar but chalks it up to the situation

beatrice: well, I mean, we had friends, of course – ramona and olivia!! that’s!! that’s who i’m talking about!! that’s all!!

violet remembers that ramona gave klaus his half of the wedding picture, and klaus told her what ramona said, that ramona didn’t like lemony’s hair at the time, and violet’s done the math, she knows how old lemony and bea are and that she and klaus were born not long after they left college, and with this sudden but persistent reluctance to talk about An Additional Person from high school from both bea and bertrand, violet is terribly suspicious that there could, in fact, be much more to this than she initially thought

beatrice: don’t forget, we start looking at hotels for wedding reception venues this week, okay?

violet: okay.

so, that night, violet, now alerted to the possibility that there could be a connection between bertrand and her father, and also DESPERATELY HOPING THERE IS ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT WOULD CAUSE HER SO MUCH LESS STRESS, goes digging

she grew up with bernadette for the past six years (and has also seen lemony create giant information webs to map out books), VIOLET KNOWS HOW TO GET INFORMATION AND PUT IT TOGETHER

she starts looking for yearbooks – they all went to the same school, for years, they have to be somewhere, but violet can’t find anything in the library, or ramona’s studio, or olivia’s office, or beatrice’s hiding place (the kitchen), and then looks through their desks for papers or plaques or photographs or anything that could give her a hint (nope)

if there is one thing she’s learned from bernadette, but also her father, it’s that the best place to hide something is usually in plain sight, which leads violet back to the library, pulling out boring-looking books to see if anything is stored behind them or in them (still nope)

this leads to violet CLIMBING THE BOOKCASES to reach the top shelf because adults are taller than her and put things on high shelves

and lo and behold, there it is, the senior year yearbook.

violet has a HEART-STOPPING MOMENT in the downward climb (which she’s doing one-handed anyway) where she almost steps on annabelle who she hadn’t realized was sleeping on a shelf and violet is TERRIFIED but annabelle, chillest cat in the world™, just yawns at her and picks a different shelf

annabelle is no sammy.

so, curled up in a library chair, violet finds not only pictures of beatrice and bertrand and lemony in the yearbook, but also a giant section of papers that fold out from the back cover where apparently lemony had more than the average length of a yearbook comment to say to her

violet, vaguely skimming this hardcore romantic comment, incredibly used to her father’s verbosity: yes that sounds about right.

and she finds a (significantly smaller but still lengthy and painfully heartfelt) signature from bertrand nearby, that definitely reads as a guy in love

but she’s still not sure how they feel about each other now, like a few yearbook signatures are no indication of how a person feels over eleven years later, so she’s still nervous about this and decides to sleep on it

this takes the whole night, violet is exhausted in the morning

now re: chessy unpacking hallie’s (annie’s) suitcase in the movie, it’s not that ramona did the same, but when doing the laundry earlier she did notice this weird amount of ribbons stuck in the lint filter/in pockets/pant legs/sleeves

and she barely even thinks anything of it at first and asks olivia and olivia has no clue and she’s not asking beatrice because beatrice has so much on her mind and ramona’s like ‘….hmmm,’ and goes to talk to klaus (violet)

ramona: hey klaus, I keep finding ribbons everywhere and I just wondered –

violet, in the process of running her hand through her hair cause she’s tired and processing a lot and misses being able to tie it: /JUMPS

violet: oh

violet: bookmarks, i’ve been using them as bookmarks

[actually violet has a million ribbons because lemony never wanted her to be without one, and it was so natural for violet to bring them with her she just legit forgot she wasn’t supposed to have them, like hallie with cuppy]

ramona, vaguely concerned: ….yeah, your mother used to do that

ramona: anything wrong with your hair?

violet: oh, no, not at all!

ramona: everything….going okay?

violet: yes, absolutely!

[the thing about violet acting as klaus though is that she can get like his speech patterns down but her own natural cheeriness still shows through in the places where klaus is in general quieter]

this is gonna get discussed right after this but ramona knows violet ties her hair up to focus because lemony told her in a letter, years ago

so ramona frowns and walks over to her and ties her bangs back with one of the ribbons, and violet just so visibly relaxes

ramona, incredibly emotional: oh

ramona: violet?

violet: ….yes.

ramona: so I can’t necessarily abide by breaking up a marriage but HECK YEAH i’m down for helping you reunite them. beatrice got me in the divorce and it’s very irritating just writing to lemony, which he actually hasn’t done for a while, now that I think about it.

violet: why don’t you just visit him? i’m sure he’d love to see you.

ramona: he makes me send the letters to a post office box. I do not know that man’s address.

violet: ……...that sounds about right.

(bea still does not find out until the hotel shenanigans, though.)

(I love ‘beatrice got me in the divorce’ like that’s fucking hilarious, cause I picture ramona as lemony and bea’s best friend so when they aren’t together it’s like…...well, what happens to ramona???? WHO DOES RAMONA HANG OUT WITH?? WHO GETS CUSTODY OF RAMONA)

(but also like, wtf lemony and ramona write to each other and bea never finds out???? I mean ramona was their best friend so like yes I think they do keep in contact but then does ramona never tell lemony about klaus????? and for them to write to each other and ramona to get these letters and BEA IS IN THE SAME HOUSE??????? I can’t tell if this is just angsty or poor thinking through on my part

but like ramona has to know for the reveal scene here to work out right, otherwise she’d never guess specifically violet

unless I rewrite the scene, but? nope. i’m committed to this ribbon reveal. I like it a lot. fuck it.

THIS WAS WHY I TOOK OUT BERTRAND AND OLIVIA AS CUTE PEN PALS auuuuuggggggg

I don’t know I mean. it is weird and stretching this (already shenanigans-filled) fic a little but. I don’t think it’s the WORST illogical thing I can stick in here. and they are friends, they can write to each other, just, yeah, probably not a lot and they actually probably don’t talk about the kids a lot, cause then lemony would know about both kids and since r wouldn’t tell bea she was writing to lemony bea wouldn’t know anything at all about violet and THAT’S what’s not good (although r telling lemony about klaus is cute i’m gonna have to nix it here. no can do.), so yeah r probs never brings up klaus and lemony rarely brings up violet, he probably only mentions the ribbon thing back when she was really really young because of how much it reminded him of bea and lemony was One Sad Man in his twenties trying to cope with the emotional reality of raising a child that reminded him of his wife and needed to tell someone

that is a lot of weight on ramona though and she doesn’t say anything but lemony apologizes for bringing it up in the next letter anyway and actually after that they probably talk a lot less cause it’s hard on both of them)

(writing is hard! writing is hard.)

ramona: so what’s your plan now?

violet: first, I have to make a phone call.

VIOLET CALLS KLAUS, keeping in mind the concept of time zones a little bit better than hallie and annie

violet: so, it turns out that mother is engaged????

klaus: engaged????? to who?????

violet: this man named bertrand, and, honestly, klaus, he’s such a nice person, he brought me, well he brought you, an atlas –

klaus: oh. that is very nice.

violet: it’s the sort of atlas you could probably use to incapacitate a reasonably-sized adult.

klaus: wow.

violet: and mother said that apparently she knew him when she was younger, and they get along so well, but –

klaus, remembering the picture he found with the extra candygrams: wait

klaus: is he sort of tall, and thin, and blonde

klaus: and sort of, idly optimistic

violet: yes! although I would say more….calmly steadfast

klaus: hmmm

klaus, trying to describe bertrand’s facial expression in this picture: disarmingly kind?

violet: humorously honest?

klaus: I think father has a picture of him in his desk!

violet: !!!!

[myth: confirmed!]

klaus: and some notes from high school from mother and him!

violet: !!! klaus, based on some other things i’ve found, I think all of them might have had feelings for each other.

klaus: !! that makes a considerable amount of sense here. if they all still do, that could make this much easier.

violet: but we won’t know for sure unless –

bernadette: who are you two talking about???

klaus: BERNADETTE

violet: bernadette, are you on the extension again

bernadette: well why wouldn’t I be?

bernadette: it sounds like you guys are talking about bertrand.

violet: how do you know who bertrand is?

bernadette: dad talks about him all the time???

bernadette: well, not when uncle lemony’s around

bernadette: he sent dad that book of poetry that mom immediately burned

bernadette: the elephant guy?

violet: …….oh, now that you mention it! that’s right!

klaus: wait why did your mother burn the book

violet: aunt kit has very little patience for certain poetry.

klaus: she doesn’t like john godfrey saxe??

violet: it’s a big deal, it’s best not to get into it.

violet: look, I think what we need to do is get everyone together and sort this all out.

violet: we’re scouting hotels this week for the reception, you can come here and meet up with us at one of them!

MEANWHILE, kit finds bernadette on the extension, for an honestly longer than usual length of time (bernadette does eavesdrop regularly), and also klaus on the phone in general (and violet rarely uses the phone, like, as a phone. usually she’s taking the phone apart), and really, nothing gets past kit fucking snicket. (you know kit denouement does have a great fucking ring to it, but as I said before, just try and tell me she didn’t insist on keeping her maiden name when she got married.)

so she goes and finds klaus and hears the end of the above conversation and is like ‘oh shit, they totally switched on lemony and bea, what badass kids’

[what if she tries to corner bernadette first

kit: bernadette, I didn’t know you knew anyone to call on the phone.

bernadette, without missing a fucking beat: I called the international operator to ask about time zones, but she caught me up in a conversation about soap operas and whether or not their use of sudden death is considered theatrically cathartic or not.

bernadette: I told her it happens way too often for it to be cathartic.

kit is too impressed to counter her. kit loves her daughter so fucking much.]

so then she sort of shows up in klaus’s doorway when he goes to leave the room after the phone call, arms crossed over her chest

kit: is there something you’d like to talk about?

kit can be outrageously intimidating but kit is also, actually, a pretty good parent

kit, significantly more gently: just between you and me, klaus.

klaus: …..maybe.

kit: come on, let’s go for a walk. you can tell me all about it.

klaus: it’s a long story.

kit: well, good, I like long stories.

klaus: are you going to tell father?

kit: don’t you think you should tell him?

klaus: do you think he’ll be upset?

kit: oh, not at all. more with himself than you, anyway. once, violet was responsible for wiping out the electricity of the whole city, and he gave her two slices of cake for dessert and said he should’ve bought more books on electrical wiring.

lemony is appropriately concerned and horrified and thrilled to see his son, like, oh my god, but the moment is taken over by the urgency of the situation because klaus says he has something to tell all of them that cannot wait

[forgive me for not writing that one out.]

klaus: so it seems like mother is getting married

lemony: oh

lemony: well

lemony: like haircuts, marriage – marriage comes to all of us, at some point –

klaus: to bertrand?

kit, lemony, and dewey: /STUNNED, DEAD SILENCE

kit: oh my.

dewey: what are the odds?

lemony: I think I can die now. I believe i’m ready.

bernadette: why don’t you just go see them and work this all out???

lemony: bernadette, I don’t know if life works like that.

bernadette: uncle lemony, you’re going to ruin all my bright-eyed optimism.

dewey: sometimes I think I didn’t have anything to do with you at all, bernadette. I think you just sprang, fully-formed, from your mother’s head.

kit: don’t be vulgar, dewey. ….thank you, though.

kit: but really I don’t see any other way to sort this out than by going to see beatrice and bertrand.

[this was one of the very first conversations I wrote for this and I am still very attached to it, even though I find dewey so hard to write, I haven’t yet figured out how I think he functions with these guys, especially kit, which I should maybe have done sooner but, what can you do.]

[also I feel like it just makes more sense in this for them to KNOW bea is engaged]

[I’m putting this in here because honestly……….in the movie once elizabeth realizes the switch she does not spend nearly enough time hugging hallie constantly or getting to know her, I get that seeing your ex-husband for the first time in eleven years is A Lot but YOUR DAUGHTER WHO YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN ELEVEN YEARS AS WELL IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE] [also makes up for not writing klaus revealing himself as klaus, i’m so sorry.]

lemony: klaus?

klaus: ?

lemony: I – please don’t think that I didn’t love you. because I do, and I have thought about you every second of every day, I promise you. and there are many things that I should have done as your father, and many things that I cannot make up to you, but I want you to know that whatever happens with this, I have always loved you. and I am sorry.

so i’ve always pictured that klaus (besides looking reasonably like bea anyway, in any universe) gets angry like she does, and bea gets that sort of like, quiet cool hatred that turns into full-blown shouting really quickly and she will pull no punches and just fucking give it to you!!!!! and klaus has some sort of version of that and like look I put a lot of thought into ‘adult problems fucking over small children as those adults fervently avoid those problems’ when I wrote babybea so like

man, of course klaus can be angry at his parents for like???? never trying to work things out???? this is the first time in almost ten years he’s seen his father and his sister and he has an aunt and an uncle (and another uncle he hasn’t even seen!) and a cousin he never knew about because of lemony and bea being stubborn and stupid and recklessly young!!!!! I think violet is honestly less mad about it (well, she gets a little mad about it later on, but like, being raised by lemony, she has this weird way of trying to rationalize things while feeling really guilty about it, but that’s scenes away from right here – or she just? maybe internalizes it more.) but klaus is like, he’s not totally angry but like, as himself, face to face with lemony, lemony talking to him like a parent and about klaus and not about bea or violet or shenanigans or anything, like, yeah, he’s a little angry that it’s just….taken this long and that lemony and bea are so stupid

klaus is an angry crier. and an angry hugger. so that’s what he does.

like it’s hard to suddenly have a relationship with a family member whose never….been that to you before or made themselves available like that or just generally been there at all, and as much as I want them all having a good time, bea and lemony have some shit to work out with their kids

THEY HAVE A GOOD HUG, IS THE POINT

and I want to say that like they spend some time together after this and…….yeah they probs do it’s just gonna be weird re: the previous paragraph so…….maybe they just sit around and read and occasionally point things out to each other, that sounds chill and legit, doesn’t ask a lot of either of them

SO, that brings us to, later that night, when lemony can Officially Panic

kit: so

kit: you seem a little tense, brother mine.

lemony: I am NOT going to break up a marriage between two loving people who care about each other and happen to have incredibly pleasant facial features and are two people I myself still care about a great deal despite not having seen either of them for a lengthy amount of time

lemony: we’re only going to switch the children back, and I will talk to beatrice, about something, and I don’t have to say anything at all to bertrand, and that’s going to be it. that’s all. nothing beyond that.

kit: that would be a more powerful statement if you weren’t packing every single fancy tie you own.

lemony: really.

lemony: we’re not going to think any more into this.

lemony: that’s all we’re going to do.

lemony: which tie should I wear?

kit: well, definitely don’t pick one of the ones you’re strangling in a death grip.

(hey, where is jacques in this??????????? wish I knew)

(he’s probably regularly out of town, maybe he happens to call home and bernadette is the one to pick up the phone and she’s like “we’re going to see aunt beatrice, I think we’ll be back in a week or something?” and then immediately hangs up because dewey calls her for something, and jacques is left, miles and miles away, standing in a phone booth and wondering if, perhaps, he should maybe visit his siblings more often so they don’t go tearing off to california

jacques: kit what the hell is going on

kit: what, didn’t bernadette tell you?

lemony: ask him what tie I should wear

kit: we’re embarking on the adventure of a lifetime, jacques, it’s your own fault that you decided to go out of town this weekend, I really don’t know what to tell you

lemony: ask him what tie I should wear

kit: /sighs

kit: what tie should your brother wear

jacques: the one with the single blue stripe, it brings out his eyes, what are you two doing

kit: really, jacques, you need to pay more attention

kit: lemony, he says the one with the blue stripe

lemony: oh, good. tell him he’s a lifesaver.

kit: lemony says you’re a lifesaver, although I have yet to see real proof of this, however I will consider changing my mind if you happen to bring me a souvenir. please remember that I could use a new set of nice, engraved fountain pens. also our plane is leaving soon and we need to pack, so bye, loser

jacques: ………………….

jacques: what did I do to deserve this)

(jacques, in any universe, is eternally pained by his siblings)

this being a rehearsal dinner brings it very close to, you know, an actual wedding date, and the thing is, I have planned a completely different wedding-related fic, weddings are EXPENSIVE AND, YOU KNOW, TIME-CONSUMING, PLANNED IN ADVANCE, ALL THAT SHIT

but the whole reason there’s a wedding in the parent trap in general is because, if meredith and nick are just dating, there’s no commitment, marriage means COMMITMENT and A TIME CONSTRAINT and meredith wants his fucking money

so yeah bea and bertrand ARE engaged and planning to get married and plans have happened but the idea of this being so close to the rehearsal dinner makes me sad about all those ‘yeah i’m gonna have to cancel’ phone calls someone is gonna have to make, which is, well, pretty silly, but still, I Hate feeling uncomfortable esp when reading things like that (or even just, thinking of them in advance)

and that is why they are scouting hotels for the reception. (don’t ask me where the denouement is. I do not know.)

so bea + co get to the hotel first, and the only people who know lemony + co will be there are violet and ramona

ramona, hanging back to talk to violet while bea and bertrand and olivia (she has a good eye for decorating.) go ahead: do you know what you’re going to do?

violet: well, I thought maybe we would just

violet: all bump into each other?

violet: and go from there??

ramona thinks that’s an exceptionally courageous take on this and that, yep that girl sure is bea’s daughter

[yeah bea still has NO IDEA ANY OF THIS IS HAPPENING ramona is A+ at keeping secrets

meanwhile, sometime later-

olivia: you didn’t tell me?????

ramona: olivia, I love you dearly but you can’t keep a secret to save your life

[oh, yikes, re: legit asoue canon]

olivia: ……..okay, you have a point.]

it is at this moment that lemony + co arrive, and bertrand, who had backtracked for a moment because he realized he dropped a pen, immediately runs into dewey, who had stopped near the door to examine the hotel brochures and ambiance in more detail (you can take the boy out of the hotel but you can’t take the hotel out of the boy)

[based on penultimate peril, I always thought bertrand and dewey were very good friends and had bonded over absurd poetry, and, of course, based on kit burning the poetry book, are still in contact – there’s much less of a sense of forced distance between bertrand and dewey, because dewey’s just lemony’s brother-in-law and bertrand was friends with dewey first so they’re still good friends but like most adults they have a hard time committing to keeping in contact regularly especially with the distance and haven’t physically seen each other for some time]

so they bump into each other –

bertrand: dewey!!

bertrand: it’s been ages, what are you doing here, how are you!!!

[dewey denouement, much in the way that olivia caliban can’t keep a fucking secret, cannot fucking lie.]

dewey: oh, um

dewey: you know

dewey: hotel conference!!

dewey: kit wanted to travel!!!!

dewey: we’re traveling FOR a hotel conference!!!

dewey: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE CURTAINS, BERTRAND

bertrand: ……..dewey, you’ve never been very good at lying.

dewey: no, no I really haven’t.

dewey: forgive me for everything, bertrand.

bertrand: you might have to be a little more specific.

beatrice: bertrand, have you – dewey??

dewey: oh no

beatrice, remembering dewey and kit are married, suddenly battling sheer terror the likes of which she has never experienced: how….how are you

dewey: I could be better. I could definitely be better.

beatrice: is kit here?

bertrand: I believe they’re here to look at the curtains.

dewey: we’re definitely here to look at curtains.

beatrice: ….they don’t have curtains in england

dewey, grasping at straws: not….like these….?

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, lemony backtracks outside because he dropped a pen, narrowly missing three adults awkwardly talking about curtains

olivia: beatrice, we’ll be late for the wine tasting if we don’t go soon.

beatrice: oh – well, dewey, it was….nice to see you

dewey: please, go enjoy your wine.

bertrand: /waves good-bye!!!!

klaus and bernadette, hiding behind a nearby ficus, because bernadette thinks fast and has her own specific idea about how this should go and it doesn’t involve her relatives meeting again because of her father talking about curtains: wow.

violet: /narrowly avoids getting swept up into the wine tasting, darts for the elevator to try and locate klaus + co

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, upstairs, in their hotel room

lemony: why did I think I could do this

lemony: how do I approach a couple here to scout locations for a wedding reception?

kit: ….you approach them

dewey: don’t talk about curtains, maybe.

lemony: i’m not – dewey, what do curtains have to do with this?

dewey: trust me, just don’t talk about them.

there is a knock at the door. lemony has seen death. this is it, for him.

anyway, it’s violet.

klaus: violet!

violet: klaus!

awkward sibling hug sincere sibling hug!!

violet: klaus, please take your glasses back.

klaus: oh, thank you. my spare pair just doesn’t feel the same as these.

lemony: violet!

now, seeing the two of them together, he can absolutely tell the difference between them. ain’t that just the way.

lemony hugs his daughter like she’s going to disappear right out of his arms and then hugs klaus for good measure and he has to try and ignore the true roller coaster of emotions that puts him through and then tries to look very stern.

lemony: i’m not disappointed in the two of you but I cannot believe you switched on your mother and me. that was very….

lemony is not good at being angry at his children, he has no real concept of it.

lemony: ….clever. it was very clever.

violet and klaus are very proud but find it in themselves to try and look a little chagrined. they don’t do it very well.

violet: father, you really need to talk to mother.

klaus: and bertrand.

lemony: both of you know about bertrand??

klaus: you and mother are very transparent about him.

MEANWHILE back at the ranch, at the wine tasting

ramona: what do you think?

beatrice and bertrand, equally lost in thought about the presence of dewey, the implied presence of kit, and the possibility of the presence of lemony: hm??

bertrand: oh, yes

beatrice: wine

beatrice: /downs entire glass

beatrice: /sets down glass

beatrice: not that one.

bertrand, who has been holding the same glass for the past twenty minutes and has no idea which wine that even was: definitely not.

MEANWHILE back. at. the. ranch.

lemony’s children have such boundless courage (I have hurt myself so many times while writing this fanfic with the occasional too-on-point line and this in particular wounds me these kids are so strong and so important and won’t take no for an answer compared to their parents and get the chance to get their parents to FIX THINGS and oh no i’m gonna cry) and have dragged him downstairs to the lobby, with the INTENTION of having him run into bea and bertrand

lemony: this is not going to work out –

violet: nonsense!

klaus: it’s going to work perfectly.

meanwhile, bea and bertrand leave the wine tasting

bertrand: ….did we come to a conclusion, about the wine?

beatrice: no, I don’t think so.

bertrand stops by the bathroom to wash his hands for something to do as he’s consumed with thoughts (not about wine), beatrice is in a daze as she goes through the lobby, violet notices her but sees she’s not with bertrand and decides she has to stall

violet, rushing over, purposely trying to block beatrice’s view with varying success: mother, how was the wine tasting?

beatrice: oh, it was –

did you remember violet gave klaus his glasses back?

beatrice: klaus, what happened to your –

and, well.

beatrice looks at her so hard and processes kit and dewey being here and then it fucking hits her like (forgive me. forgive me so hard.) a harpoon to the chest

beatrice: ….violet?

violet: yes.

beatrice: but – how –

klaus, appearing next to her: it’s a truly fascinating chain of events we’d like to tell you, but –

hey! beatrice is stunned and horrified! and grabs her daughter into a hug, knowing now that it’s her daughter and has been this whole time and!!!! she feels so awful with herself for not noticing but is also trying to not make a big deal out of it and startle violet by sobbing uncontrollably on her shoulder but beatrice is simultaneously devastated and filled with so much love and she’s for sure going to break apart now

beatrice: and klaus –

she’s hugging them both now, it’s very good.

beatrice, in tears: you two are lucky you’re so cute

violet: mother, there’s someone we’d very much like you to talk to.

beatrice knows somewhere in the back of her mind that it’s lemony but is also not even thinking of lemony because, her children

klaus: /tries to wave lemony over

lemony: /trying and failing to hide behind a ficus, have you seen a ficus, have you seen lemony

violet: /ALSO WAVING

beatrice can’t miss that for the world.

beatrice, while turning around: what are you two –

imagine, if you will, lemony snicket trying to hide behind a potted ficus that hits about mid-chest.

also imagine, if you will, two people who divorced over eleven years ago, still have too many feelings about each other, split up their children for their stupidity, have been trying to avoid the knowledge that both of them are there for the past hour, and are now confronted with the reality of their lives right in front of them

…….besides the ficus.

lemony, stepping out from behind the ficus: hello, bea.

this is a headcanon i’ve long held, since I first started writing asoue fanfic, but, bertrand and lemony say ‘bea’ differently, especially in canon, like particularly in canon, so it’s like less so here but lemony still says her name with so much love, and bertrand says it with love too but lemony has known beatrice for so so long and here they are after years apart and here he is saying her name again, and he never ever ever expected to say it like that again, he never even DREAMED of saying it to her again, but it’s real

beatrice: lemony snicket.

violet: as nice as this is for us –

klaus: – we’re going to allow you three the time you need to discuss assorted events.

at this moment (of course), bertrand reemerges.

bertrand: bea, I –

he sees violet and klaus rushing off, looking delighted, and bea and lemony standing there still trying to process words, and then there’s bertrand, frantically thinking ‘abort mission, ABORT MISSION’

because. the way they turn and look at him, in tandem, like they did all the time in high school, immediately makes bertrand feel like they’re there, back in high school, back at prom, here’s the two absolute loves of his life standing in front of him and bertrand is filled with delight but also fear because, here it is, they all have to deal with it now

(all of them are thinking that, the three of them, standing there, there is not a single trace of jealously but instead there is so much love and regret and it’s, heart-wrenching)

and here is where he loses all his Chill™.

bertrand: you know what, i’m gonna – go –

bertrand: /trips over a chair

lemony: oh –

beatrice: bertrand!

bertrand: totally fine, still alive, i’m – they have such a nice gift shop, you know, i’m – i’ll be there

bertrand: /high-tails it practically out of existence

beatrice and lemony: ….

lemony: he – he still has a very nice running form.

beatrice: yeah, I think so.

lemony: well, bea

lemony: or does everyone call you beatrice now?

beatrice: no, no, bea – bea is fine. bertrand still calls me bea.

[beatrice starts to laugh. “it’s – man, it’s funny, isn’t it?”

lemony smiles at her. “what is?”

“i’m going to marry your high school crush,” beatrice giggles, “who’s still – still in love with you.” she stops. “you know, that’s actually really not as funny as it sounded in my head,” she says, frowning.]

they have dinner!!! and talk. about. stuff. do violet and klaus recreate the night lemony and bea met or the wedding or something????? idk honestly. like at least they didn’t get married UPON MEETING I MEAN LIKE COME ON (although somehow that is very them, but, come on, this backstory is good and solid and I love characters that grow)

maybe they just pool their allowances and give their parents a banging night out (which is pretty much just. dinner.)

beatrice: I see that cut on your forehead healed up nice

lemony: yes, anna karenina left very little lasting damage –

both: – except to anna karenina.

they pause, and then just, fucking burst out laughing, this is a horrible old joke for them that they made up when they were in school because anna karenina was the biggest book either of them owned (neither of them were particularly interested in war and peace) but was somehow sort of light and if you dropped it it really didn’t do much damage, which they thought was funny re: the size of the book and the subject matter

beatrice throws it at lemony during the fight that ends with their divorce and it’s the first time it actually hurts something

lemony: so, how is bertrand

lemony: I don’t think i’ve seen him since – well, since before the twins were born.

beatrice: oh, he’s – he’s doing really, really well. he’s a librarian, and – we keep joking about how many more books klaus and I will be able to read. lemony, he’s got the magazine editions of hammett –

lemony: w h a t

lemony: does he even have the –

beatrice: yep. he has the unfinished story. i’ve seen it.

lemony: I knew I liked that man for a reason

THERE IS SUCH A WEIGHTY PAUSE.

lemony: that is, hammett, obviously. I mean, the continental op is one of the quintessential fictional detectives, and hammett’s novels –

beatrice: you did like him, didn’t you

beatrice: when we were in school, you looked at him the same way you looked at me.

lemony: oh, no

lemony: I looked at you with a rapt adoration and I looked at bertrand like he was a puzzle I couldn’t solve. I have that on good authority from my sister.

beatrice: oh, right, right.

lemony: ….but I did, didn’t I. I did like him very much.

lemony: I don’t think anyone disliked him.

beatrice: that wasn’t quite what I asked, lemony.

lemony: ….what do you want me to say, bea? that I saw him there, with you, and couldn’t even find it in me to be jealous because the sight of you two together made me so unbelievably happy that I forgot how to breathe? that I – that I wondered, for a moment, if, twelve years later, we could – if I –

lemony: ….i don’t believe this conversation is supposed to be about bertrand.

beatrice: …….no, I – I suppose not.

lemony: that day, when you asked me to leave –

beatrice: you mean when I shouted at you to leave.

lemony: I was trying to be kind.

beatrice: lemony, I for sure shouted at you.

lemony: no, bea, I – I thought things would be better if I left. if you didn’t have to put up with me, because you clearly didn’t want to. and I didn’t make it easy for you, back then. there were many things I overlooked about both of us, things I hid from both of us, things I should have talked about with you. and I didn’t.

beatrice: ….oh.

lemony: I thought that loving the person that I wanted you to be was enough for the person that I wanted to be. obviously, it wasn’t, because you asked me to leave and I left. I never even looked back.

beatrice: ….lemony, I don’t think anything would’ve been enough for either of us. I asked a lot of you, too. I didn’t want you to see anything bad about me, and you didn’t, but the longer we were like that, the more I just – the more I really hated you for it. you just saw what you wanted to. and, well, what I wanted you to. I think I kind of hated me, too.

beatrice: sometimes, I think, what would’ve happened if we’d stayed together and I don’t know if I like that either. not that it was – okay, what we did. because it wasn’t. and we might’ve changed or we might’ve fucked up even worse, I don’t know, and i’ll never know.

beatrice: but lemony, seeing her now, I regret every single second I haven’t spent with her because of it.

lemony: I know.

beatrice, who’s a little angry cause she hates when lemony says that to her and her temper gets away from her: do you?

lemony, who’s just regretting all his life choices and knows he fully deserves beatrice’s ire: ….i’ve missed so much of his life.

beatrice, voice breaking: ….yeah.

man, these are some really miserable parents.

beatrice: we should – I don’t know, you know, what we’re gonna do, with – us – but we should – they, they should see each other. we can’t do that to them again.

lemony: I agree.

beatrice: you know, we have some pretty clever kids. I would never – okay, maybe, but I don’t know – have had the balls to switch places with someone on the other side of the world.

lemony: we do, don’t we?

lemony: I know we didn’t do a great deal right, but, maybe we did, with them.

beatrice: ….yeah, maybe we did.

beatrice: not every day two people have kids like ours.

lemony: …….can I be honest with you, bea?

beatrice: …okay.

lemony: i’m glad they switched places. i’m – i’m glad I got to see you. and bertrand. and you.

beatrice: i’m glad you came, lemony.

[all these conversations starring two people steadfastly trying to avoid that they are still in love with each other but also trying to really acknowledging they have Real Problems, brought to you by one (1) woman struggling to get two characters to talk about their problems but also the idea of introducing a third person into their already rocky relationship, don’t mind me just casually dying over here, this was harder than I thought]

beatrice, feeling the weight of this conversation and knowing they done fucked up in the past but also desperately wishing she and lemony could go back to where they were before only better and just trying to figure out where they’re gonna go from here, girl’s doing her best here, and you know what, so am i: so, um

beatrice: fuck, marry, kill

beatrice: continental op, nick charles, sam spade.

lemony, going through incredibly similar emotions: ….

lemony: do you want me to give my virtue to one man and then marry another

beatrice: why do you always take this game so literally

beatrie: I am banging nick charles, but I am marrying the continental op for job stability, and I am killing sam spade where he stands

lemony: bea, no, you can’t just kill sam spade like that

lemony: how about, I take the continental op to dinner, I have a pleasant night with nick charles –

beatrice: I like that we’d both fuck william powell.

lemony: we’ve both seen william powell. no one wouldn’t.

lemony: but sam spade, though, I don’t think it’s so clear cut as all that –

they’ve really!! grown a lot!! they’re really trying to talk this out!!! a little, at least!!! be adults!!!! talk like they didn’t eleven years ago!!!!!! they’re so stupid and they’re trying so hard!!!! my kids………….

this is definitely not the only conversation they’re gonna have about this, like it’s Good that they’ve said this but there’s. a lot more they need to talk about and will probably talk about, just not right now

anyway, LATER –

the continuing saga of two people Not Talking and then Talking About Certain Things and then Inadvertently Talking About The Things They Didn’t Want To And Not Quite Realizing It

lemony: at the hotel

lemony: you, ah, said something about bertrand

beatrice: !!!!

beatrice: ooo, we are talking about him, hmm?

lemony: bea.

beatrice: fine, fine. yes, that he’s still in love with you.

lemony: is he really?

beatrice: I think he is.

beatrice: you still didn’t really answer me before, when I asked if you still felt the same about him.

lemony: ….does it matter, if you’re going to marry him?

beatrice: of course it matters! i’m not – i’m not marrying bertrand to, prove a point or anything, or – say I like him better than you, I – i’m marrying him because I, I love him, but I don’t – that’s not all there is to this.

beatrice: I mean, we didn’t get divorced because of bertrand, that was all on us, but – seeing both of you, sometimes I feel like – maybe – we – maybe we could’ve made it work. not if we had bertrand, but with him. now.

beatrice: and, and that’s a lot, to ask you – I know – it’s a lot to ask both of us, especially after everything, but – do you?

lemony: ….bea.

beatrice: lemony.

lemony: ….i feel that, in the interest of the past eleven years, we should perhaps talk to him before I make a concrete decision about that personal feeling.

beatrice: well, that’s – that’s a wise choice.

they are, quiet, for a while

it’s a lot to think about, you know?? there’s a lot to this

lemony: …….but I think I do.

beatrice: you think you do?

lemony: I think I do.

beatrice: I think I do, too.

there is a little more silence because they’re like ‘!!!!! well that’s SOMETHING REALLY BIG TO THINK ABOUT’ especially because they haven’t like totally committed back to a relationship with each other and there is!! still!!! so!! much!!!! but, they’re thinking about it now, and they’re, sort of floaty-happy because it’s like, wow, wow, this is a possibility, they can

maybe

push it, a little, and see what happens, maybe maybe

lemony: well, you should, you are marrying him.

beatrice: shhh, you are ruining the rhythm.

lemony: I think –

beatrice: you think?

lemony: it’s been known to happen.

beatrice: mmm, I don’t think so

[it’s hard to tell because there’s generally very little concept of outside action/feelings when getting down scenes this way but these few lines are supposed to be v cute and soft and just the tiniest bit flirty]

lemony: trust me, I have had many a thought.

beatrice: well, I think –

lemony: you think, now, do you

beatrice: I do indeed, lemony snicket.

[god. lemony wants to kiss her so fucking bad. beatrice wants to keep teasing him until he does kiss her. they’re very close. he just. smooths her hair behind her ear and takes a step back.]

lemony: I think we should talk to bertrand.

beatrice: yeah. we should. we should probably do that.

MEANWHILE.

I want bertrand to bond with these kids with all my heart so that’s what fucking happens while bea and lemony are dealing with their problems

they play a rousing game of scrabble. it’s usually a game I give the snicket siblings because of their vicious playing styles (which is just based on me and my brother playing scrabble) BUT I love scrabble a lot and I think it’s super cute if bertrand hangs out with violet and klaus and they play board games, it’s distressingly endearing to me, violet trying to sneak in names of inventors on the board and klaus being insistent on following the rules of the game and bertrand trying to come up with a sufficient compromise

bertrand: okay, so, last names are allowed, but only if you can also include the first initial, initialisms by themselves are not allowed, and foreign words and phrases are on a case-by-case basis, providing I can translate it and you’re not trying to put down something inappropriate.

klaus: what about scientific names?? can I put down binomial nomenclature

violet: hey how do you spell binomial

klaus: b-i-n-o-m-i-a-l

violet: oh, how neat.

violet: /puts it down on the scrabble board

klaus: ….

violet: :)

bertrand: it looks like you can put down binomial nomenclature.

bertrand: but yes, I will allow actual nomenclature, klaus.

klaus is deathly quiet for the next few turns until he manages to put down nomenclature. (which I think is achievable, with enough luck.)

klaus: actual. nomenclature.

violet: so that’s how it’s gonna be, huh

bertrand: okay, references to previous conversations are no longer allowed, let’s try this again

eventually they stop playing the damn game and come up with their own wildly specific set of rules for playing scrabble, and bea and lemony come back to a lot of paper and a lot of scrabble tiles and violet and klaus sitting on either side of bertrand on the couch, helping him write this rule list

and bea and lemony want to comment about how they’re not even playing scrabble, but watching bertrand interact with their kids and be so soft and patient with them is the most distressingly heartwarming thing they’ve seen in a long time

they both have the immediate thought of ‘holy fuck I wanna kiss that man,’ which is followed by ‘holy f u c k maybe a relationship between all of us could work’

lemony: bertrand.

bertrand: ?

lemony: could we talk?

there is no camping trip! instead we got NEARBY HOTEL SHENANIGANS and THREE PEOPLE ON A DATE AT A LOCAL FAIR, TRYING TO FEEL THINGS OUT

imagine your average carnival-fair sort of thing with Rides and Games and Absurd Amounts of Cotton Candy and That Super Salty But Still Real Good Popcorn

bertrand and lemony arrive first and bea specifically gets there late so bertrand and lemony can actually talk, because honestly this is the only time I can see in all this that these two would be able to talk to each other uninterrupted

and they all know they’re there for the weirdest date ever but bertrand still feels the need to clear the air

bertrand: lemony, I don’t want you to think that I was waiting your marriage out or anything, I didn’t even know you two weren’t together until last year, and I didn’t even intend to see bea, it just happened on accident –

lemony: bertrand, it’s fine.

lemony: beatrice and I aren’t married anymore, you don’t have to explain anything.

bertrand: ….sometimes I feel like i’ve wanted to explain everything to you, for the past fifteen years.

[bertrand ‘breaking my fucking heart again’ baudelaire…….]

bertrand: that’s – silly, isn’t it.

lemony: no. I don’t think so.

bertrand: I never got the chance to say it. well, actually I don’t think I ever let myself say it, because I had plenty of chances! especially at prom, I could’ve changed everything! but you and bea were so – I wanted you two more than anything else in the whole entire world, but I didn’t want to hurt you two or what we had. I think I did, though.

bertrand: and, and I really shouldn’t blame myself or anyone for these stupid mistakes that happened when we were just kids, because we were just kids!

bertrand: I mean, we’re right here, right now, and i’m – i’m really looking forward to this, lemony.

[lemony, much like me, is momentarily dazzled by how fucking genuine bertrand is]

lemony: so am I.

lemony: ….i kept those candygrams you sent me when we were all in high school because they were remarkably sweet and I treasure them dearly

bertrand: !!

lemony is so nervous and I love him and you know when you get nervous and you just sort of spill weird secrets to people, especially when it’s the person you like???? that’s that

they look at each other for a moment and then start laughing and it’s the kind that starts kind of soft and then they’re just rampantly giggling and being dorks and I love them both so damn much okay

and because they haven’t regularly seen each other in you know fifteen years they spend some time. talking about their lives. there’s a lot of things they don’t know about each other!

lemony and bertrand like make a vague show of trying to win bea some prize and they suck and they stand to the side and talk while bea wins herself a prize and she runs back over to them and just looks so proud of herself, winning this…….thing (it’s very much “i don’t know if it’s a duck or a panda, but I want one.”)

lemony: is it a…….hmmm

bertrand: ….those are cat ears, right

beatrice: what, no, they’re wolf ears

lemony: it has webbed feet, though

bertrand: it’s a platypus! oh, no, not with all those feathers.

lemony: it could easily be a duck, I suppose

beatrice: BUT THE EARS

bertrand: a penguin!

lemony: a grackle

bertrand: a goose!

beatrice: THE E A R S

lemony and bertrand share an obnoxious amount of cotton candy, and honestly it’s the date they all should’ve had in high school, a date that would’ve changed everything, and man, they’re having so much fun and maybe they could do this, lemony has never been so happy and bertrand is just this ball of delight and, it’s really beautiful, and beatrice is for sure thinking that and she’s having such a good time and she’s so happy

but then

she thinks, what if it DIDN’T change everything, what if they all got together in high school and tried to make it work and really fucked each other over, would they have been able to do it?? what really would’ve happened??? and they’re adults now, they’re better people but they have so much more to think about, there is so much more at stake now and beatrice is fucking terrified about what could happen, all of a sudden

and she’s been terrified for years about all the terrible things that could happen to klaus or her or ramona and olivia and even their stupid cat and she’s still trying to hide it so well and she does, she’s happy and creates such a good life for her son but she is so scared and she can’t keep running from it anymore by being impulsive or silly or shouting all the time, she has to face the reality of the situation that she really has to think this one through, what all three of them are going to do about this

she and lemony still have so many problems, and they both know that, they all know that!!! they aren’t going to solve them right away!!! and with bertrand there, maybe it’ll be harder!! maybe it won’t be easier!!! not that bertrand immediately makes things easier, in any universe!!! but especially here!!! you know!!! what if they don’t talk about anything because he’s there??? what if they avoid talking about everything so much in trying to be happy that they irreparably fuck them all over??? it’s been so long since all three of them were together, what if they can’t do this!! what if their kids don’t like them together, what if none of them can get along??? suddenly there are a lot more variables to this, and seeing it happen, bea is struck by everything they’re going to have to fix and all the ways it could go wrong and it’s not good

beatrice: …..what are we doing?

beatrice: and – and what if it doesn’t work out, this time?? what if we all try this and we can’t do it??

bertrand: do you think that little of yourself?

beatrice: no.

beatrice: i’m thinking about, what if I break my kid’s hearts, even worse than I already have? I can’t do that, not to them.

and, they get it. they love each other so much but this story isn’t about just the three of them anymore.

bertrand and bea decide not to get married. and even though they all know they still love each other, lemony and bea have violet and klaus to think of, so they all decide it would be for the best to go their separate ways.

violet and klaus are not happy, by any means. they are not happy to pack up all their stuff and know that nothing is going to work out, and it hurts, a lot, man

klaus, picking up his books: I really respect our parents and their chosen additional life partner but don’t you think they can be a little…..

violet, jamming her toolkit into a suitcase: stupid?

klaus: I was going to say stubborn

klaus: but stupid works too.

so they all say good-bye :( lemony, violet, kit and dewey and bernadette go home. (bernadette’s real upset no one got back together. she hides it well but she just sort of crams herself into her seat on the plane on the trip home and is just super bummed. I love this lil kid.) (I fondly remember when this outline was nowhere near over 20k and was just a short little thing and bernadette’s scenes just monopolized it….)

the thing I love about bea raising klaus is that, and I also feel this for canon too, klaus gets so so much of bea’s anger and short temper

like violet is a lot more calmer in the take no shit category but klaus will, like his mother, flip a table

klaus: mother, that was the most foolish thing you’ve ever done and you know it

beatrice: !

beatrice: don’t you – don’t you use that tone with me, klaus

beatrice: I am your mother

klaus: and you’re just going to let my father and my sister walk away from us???

beatrice: I – it’s more complicated than that!

klaus: how??

beatrice: klaus, would you want me to risk this, everything we have, on the off chance that your father and I could maybe sort out our differences?

klaus: you didn’t seem to have that many differences!

beatrice: there’s a lot of things you don’t know, klaus!

klaus: then tell me! you’re the one who’s always telling me I can do anything, and I just think it seems pretty rich of you to decide that that doesn’t apply to you, or that I don’t get to know everything about the people who are supposed to be my family!

klaus has a point, here, and beatrice realizes that, so she decides IN THAT INSTANT that, okay. fine. it’s time to do something about this and she can do something about this.

SO SHE GOES TO BERTRAND

bertrand: bea, what –

beatrice: I can’t – look, I can’t do this to my kids either, okay, I can’t keep them apart anymore, what – why did I think that was such a good idea in the first place??? so I wouldn’t see lemony?? so I wouldn’t work things out between us, because we were fucking kids when we were together and, and I sacrificed my relationship with my daughter because I was so petty and selfish, and i’m doing it again, bertrand!! i’m letting myself do it again after everything we all talked about because i’m so fucking scared but I – I can’t do this to myself, you know? I want – I want things to work out this time. with all of us. I want to make it work and i’m going to make it work and i’m going to go get my daughter and lemony, and I want you to come with us, if you want to come with us.

klaus, leaning out of the car window and shouting at beatrice and bertrand, who are standing on the steps of bertrand’s place: if I may interject, the plane we intend to catch does leave in half an hour, so you two should maybe hurry up a little

klaus: not to ruin your moment or anything!

bertrand, desperately: I want things to work out, bea, I do. but what if you were right and we can’t –

beatrice: i’m right about a lot of things, bertrand baudelaire, and i’m right about this.

bertrand, nodding and trying not to smile too much: ….okay. okay.

MEANWHILE

violet: ….are you mad at me?

lemony: what – violet, I could never be mad at you.

violet: but I – I went behind your back, and I tricked both of you, and I wasn’t even thinking about what you wanted, it – it was just what I wanted, and that wasn’t okay, I shouldn’t have interfered with you and mother at all, I feel so awful –

lemony: none of what happened was your fault, violet. not at all. it was mine. i’m sorry that I kept so much from you. it was incredibly unfair to you, and to klaus. I should have told you a long time ago.

violet: I never got to ask before, but why did you and mother get divorced?

lemony: ….we were very young, and very impulsive. and, also, incredibly scared. that’s not a good combination when you’re trying to make a life with someone.

violet: you two seemed to get along a little better, now.

lemony: well, eleven years is a lot of time. you get older, and you realize the mistakes you made in your youth could’ve been dealt with a lot more easily than you previously thought. you realize you were….

violet: stubborn?

lemony: stupid.

violet: what made it not work out, this time?

lemony: you also realize there are more important things to think about than yourself and what you want.

violet: !

violet: father, I didn’t want you to –

lemony: it wasn’t your call to make, violet.

violet: but it was yours about whether or not I get to see my brother? you were only thinking about what you wanted, too!

lemony: ….

violet: ….that was rude of me, i’m sorry.

lemony: no – don’t apologize, violet. please.

violet, still very angry but also just sad and concerned about how lemony has, in the intervening time between these two conversations, said very little: I thought bertrand was nice.

lemony: bertrand – bertrand is very nice.

so they get back home.

lemony: what would you like for dinner?

violet: I don’t think i’m all that hungry, father.

lemony: no, neither am I.

and lemony just sort of, wanders into the library with his hands in his pockets, because he’s somehow more miserable than he’s been in quite some time, and he’s expecting to just sit around and stare at his typewriter and not get anything done for the rest of the night or really for the foreseeable future, and the library is filled with so many books and so much stuff but it feels so empty to him now, and lemony himself feels empty and horrible about everything and he just stares at the floor without really seeing anything at all

AND THEN

klaus, sitting in one of the library chairs: father, did you know that the concorde gets you here in half the time?

[I just kept the line. I thought long and hard and could not for the life of me think of any other jazzy lil line.] [although yes sadly the concorde no longer exists]

[hey, if lemony and violet are here, and kit and dewey and bernadette were with them on the plane, who’s driving the bus who let bea and bertrand in the house???? cause in the movie it’s gotta be the grandfather

jacques, who had stopped at lemony’s house hoping that he could catch them before the flight but obviously not catching them, who stayed to water the plants: /exiting the house

beatrice, careening out of a taxi: JACQUES HOLD THE DOOR

jacques: !!!! beatrice?? what are you –

bertrand: we’ll have to tell you later, there’s no time!

jacques: bertrand????

klaus really only has time to wave.

all three of them: /BOLT PAST JACQUES INTO THE HOUSE AND SLAM THE DOOR SHUT, leaving jacques out there in the street

jacques: ……….]

anyway

lemony, STUNNED: klaus?

violet, dashing into the room because she heard her brother: klaus!

klaus: ideally we would’ve figured this out before you left, but when you did, we were not completely happy about it.

lemony, still trying to collect himself: you –

and there’s bea and bertrand, standing there, real as anything! really there!! in his library!!

and lemony walks towards them, because this isn’t a matter of, chasing anyone, it’s all of them coming together like this

beatrice: this is gonna work. the three of us, this is gonna work.

beatrice: what do you think?

and the thing. about lemony. is that what he wants more than anything else in this whole fucking world. is a family. particularly in canon, being separated from (reasonably dead) parents and growing apart from his siblings and losing those connections to people, he so desperately wants something that’s his and his own and that he can keep stable by himself

and I think he still feels that way even in whatever fucking world of an au this is, and of course he wants to be with bea and bertrand and to have klaus and violet because he loves them but he is also massively craving that stability of having his own family and like really having it this time, not fucking it up because he’s young and stupid and just as impulsive as bea

THE POINT IS THIS IS A LOT FOR HIM, OKAY, THIS MEANS SO MUCH, to get this!! second chance at all the things he totally fucked up before, PLUS the loves of his life!!!!

and like!!! there’s bertrand. there’s bertrand!!! standing there and reaching out to take lemony’s hand and lemony takes bea’s and bea takes bertrand’s other one and. the road they had to take to get here wasn’t. the best. all the time. they all made mistakes. some. worse than others. and this isn’t the end, right here, there’s still gonna be things they have to work out. and it’s gonna be okay because there’s beatrice and bertrand and lemony. they’re in the same room and no one’s scared.

lemony: yes.

beatrice: yes???

bertrand: yes?

lemony: yes.

there’s a lot of good hugging, people are kissed, comments are made about chapstick flavors, lots of laughter, violet and klaus are tearing up and thrilled beyond belief, everything is beautiful!!!!!

klaus: I can’t believe –

violet: – we actually did it!

and, of course, beatrice was right. about everything.

the following amount of time is filled with –

-lots of arguments.

-mostly between bea and lemony.

-although bertrand has his fair share of arguments with both of them.

-violet and klaus don’t speak to each other for two weeks under the pretense of disagreeing about a book’s theme but really because they’re not sure how to act around each other now that they’re both there, they’ve lived their whole lives as only children and this is what they wanted but it’s also something they didn’t think about having to adjust to

-there’s also this immediate reluctance to listen to anything bea and lemony tell them because they have to get used to parents now, too

-parents who aren’t currently super functioning as parents

-there’s a lot of second-guessing people’s intentions

-why did you say that?? the hell does that eyebrow mean???? you picked that song for a REASON and fuck you for that!!!! you don’t trust me to drive, do you???? I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SANDWICH FOR MY CHILD THANK YOU VERY MUCH

-that sort of thing.

-in varying shades of seriousness.

-i know it sounds mostly like just bea screaming there but trust me the sentiment is shared by all of them in various ways and actions

-they don’t do it in front of violet and klaus though

-NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO LIVE NOW, do they stay in england or all go to california??? do they go somewhere else???????? what even (I don’t even know)

-(they probably do stay in england though. that’s what I was picturing while writing this.)

-violet and klaus do adjust to no longer being only children and realizing they have someone their age to rely on now who understands them

-they make blanket forts where violet designs these stands that will hold books up and periodically turn the page so they can lay on their backs and read and not worry about moving

-klaus reads up on inventors so he and violet can talk about them

-they argue with bea and lemony a little about weird things because violet and klaus are trying to figure out where they are with their parents now and how they’re supposed to act and bea and lemony are trying to figure out how to coordinate parenting while wanting to kill each other

-they institute family game night and try to best each other in cards or scrabble because they can handle that

-bertrand, of course, is in a very awkward position at this time

-like he’s around but he can’t take sides because that’s Weird and he’s not that kind of person anyway, and he wants to be there but he doesn’t quite know as what

-like, he was gonna marry bea!! and now he’s not. and he loves lemony!!! but he can’t do anything about it because bea and lemony have problems to work out!!! and bertrand loves both of them!! and they love him!!! they know they do!! he knows they do!!!!! but everything is very uncomfortable!!!

-like, bertrand needs to be on equal footing in this relationship too!

-he hangs out with dewey a lot and they become Poetry Buds again

-he participates in family game night

-bea and lemony are worried that bertrand is only going to see himself as like a peacemaker between them when he isn’t because he never has been and realizing that bertrand is a huge official permanent part of their lives now is a big thing for them

-hi, my name’s lulu and writing the navigation of relationships is hard!!!! it’s so fucking hard

-the three of them watch movies wednesday nights – bertrand picks the movies and he picks these really sweet romantic ones (cause that’s just the kind of movies he likes!!!) and it’s unbearably great

-they mean to watch the thin man movies (the ones with nick charles aka william powell aka the guy lemony and bea would both fuck if they had had the opportunity) over a series of weeks but wind up marathoning all six of them one night (and it takes all night)

-none of them can function the next day

-bertrand: I get it. i’d do it with nick charles, too.

-beatrice sings herself hoarse during a play rehearsal and can’t talk for a week

-she can’t sleep one night and lemony finds her in the kitchen and makes them both tea and they salute each other with the mugs

-bertrand takes up writing limericks and leaves them around the house and lemony finds one in the shower and slips from laughing so hard

-bertrand, in the hospital: I could’ve killed you with poetry

lemony: I mean, all things considered, it’s not the worst way to go. it’s better than next to a pile of books I was meaning to read, which I always thought to be much more likely. slipping in the shower because of a charming limerick about shoes? it’s not all that bad.

bertrand: I don’t know whether to take the compliment or be worried about how you’ve considered how you’re likely to die. please don’t die.

-beatrice shows up at the hospital and throws the stuffed animal from carnival night at lemony

lemony: oh, you didn’t have to give me your….ah….

bertrand: ….moose? have we guessed moose?

beatrice: the ears……….

-things get, better

-they take turns picking up the kids from school

-some kid: gee violet how come your mom lets you have two dads

violet: just lucky, I guess

-lemony helps beatrice rehearse her lines and they straight-up make out for an hour instead

-lemony and bertrand make dessert once a week and routinely end up covered in flour

-there is a household debate on ‘what species is the stuffed animal’ and ‘what are we going to name it,’ moderated by kit

-violet puts on a one-woman play that she and klaus wrote about hedy lamarr for her school’s talent show and receives a standing ovation

-lemony and bea and bertrand are in the front row and beatrice is full-on sobbing during the standing ovation

-they get bertrand a new record player for his birthday and all three of them dance to his records the whole night

-yes they ARE all falling in love with each other all over again it is very important to me that they’re all on the same page when they do that

-violet and klaus make bertrand a ‘best additional parent’ mug because they don’t quite know what to call him (they haven’t figured it out yet), like violet makes him a fucking mug in her glassblowing class (you ever seen someone glassblow a mug??? it’s great.) and klaus does this beautiful calligraphy label for it

-bertrand cries immediately, for the next hour of his life, and just carries it around because he doesn’t know where to put it

-beatrice: aww, that was so sweet of you two, to make – does that say ‘additional parent’

lemony: I believe it says ‘additional parent.’

violet: we did also consider ‘greatest poet’ but that had less of the feeling we wanted.

klaus: we do realize that ‘best’ is truly an unquantifiable concept, because there’s no one out there ranking parents, but we thought it was the most fitting.

it’s after that that they all decide to get married.

later on, sunny is born!! and she’s very upset she missed out on all these shenanigans.

[jacques comes back to find so many people in his brother’s house.

kit: well jacques, you really should be home more

lemony: yes, find a nice person

lemony: …...or two

kit: settle down, stop looking so surprised.

lemony: kit your daughter just leapt off the bookshelf and tackled my husband

kit: and am I surprised? no.]

[also jacques does not buy his sister a nice new set of engraved fountain pens.

kit: so did you get me a souvenir or not, jacques

jacques: souvenir? I thought you said

kit: JACQUES WE ARE ADULTS DON’T YOU DARE BEETHOVEN ME

jacques: edward lear

jacques: here’s this book of delightful nonsense poetry.

kit: how could you]

[while bea is pregnant with sunny –

bertrand: what about sunny?

lemony: bertrand baudelaire.

lemony: you come into my house.

lemony: you marry my wife.

beatrice, across the room: I married both of you???

lemony: and you have the audacity.

lemony: to suggest we name our daughter after our high school drama teacher.

bertrand: okay but your reaction isn’t necessarily a no]

[ajoblotofjunk]

Hi! I've been reading you on Ao3 & wanted to tell you I'm SO impressed with HFoG. I have LOTS of things to say: mainly I was floored by how well you handled so many storylines/arcs while still keeping it clean & basic + tropey & never dumbing down complicated characters thru so many words! I think you outline but wondered if you could share more about your process? I'm in the midst of an 8book graphic novel script & the way you stuck the landing gives me hope! I am a huge fan of all of your work

Hi! Thank you for your lovely comment. 😊 I’m happy to talk about my process.

The way all of my stories start is an idea - sometimes a song will inspire me, sometimes a photo, sometimes a prompt, sometimes a “what if?” question. In HFoG’s case it was the video for Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire,” where I wanted to write a story where Jaime was the rich car owner and Brienne was the mechanic.

This gets long (SURPRISE) so the rest under a cut to save your dash. This is certainly way more than you wanted to know but hopefully there’s something helpful here. Hee.

Once I get an idea, I start expanding on it in general terms before I start writing - is Brienne his personal mechanic? (At one point she was, for his many, many cars.) Does she work at a garage? Why does Jaime have a car like this and why does he bring it to her? Etc. This is where my initial idea will often undergo the most changes and certainly for HFoG that’s what happened. I don’t really remember why I shifted to F1 - I wasn’t even an F1 fan when I thought of the idea. 😂 I’d watched some NASCAR growing up, but I didn’t want him to be a NASCAR driver and the more I looked into F1 as I became attached to the idea of Jaime as a racecar driver (oh I remember now! He was an ex-driver in initial renditions of the idea, and then I thought it would be great for Brienne to get to actually be a part of the racing world which is why I made him a current driver), the more I realized it fit him perfectly.

Once I have a solid enough idea to get me at least a few chapters in, I start writing, usually with only a vague idea where I want to end up (and often that idea is “they’re together and happy,” because I’m writing romances at their core). HFoG was quite different even from the start because I did so much research to get familiar with F1 that it bred all sorts of new ideas and plot changes even pre-writing. In my very very first version, the story was just a single year and Jaime got the championship and Brienne was happy as his Mechanic and they ended up happy together at the end, which would have been a perfectly lovely story! But once I realized I wanted to include Jaime’s hand injury, that changed a lot of the story and I did some brainstorming work and ended up having a pretty significant outline even before I started writing.

HOWEVER. If you look at even that outline now it’s SO DIFFERENT from where HFoG ultimately ended up. The first six months were the same, but everything after that was changed. Which I think is the fundamental key to how I write: start out with a really strong backbone (Jaime and Brienne falling in love while working together in F1), start writing, discover what the story is as I go along, and continually think about and update and add to my outline as I figure out what I’m really doing. So it’s like half-planning, half-discovery. 

In the original version of hand-loss HFoG, Jaime goes to Tarth in August but they don’t have sex, he crashes in September but he’s wounded like Robert Kubica and doesn’t lose his hand. Brienne ends up convincing her dad to start a team so Jaime can race and they don’t actually get together until the middle of year two, and then Jaime ends up winning the championship that second year.

The reason I changed all that was because as I started writing the fic I wanted more for both Brienne. Jaime, too, but he had a rich emotional plot to support the love story and I wanted Brienne to have that, too. I knew the story was going to be long (70-90k I thought; my longest fic before this was 70k and that felt like a damned novel to me!), and to support that length I wanted Brienne to have her own dreams and personal plot. Everything from the first August and after was something I struggled with CONSTANTLY even while I was writing the story. Brynn can attest to this - I sent her SEVERAL emails wailing and gnashing my teeth and changing my mind constantly about what I should do and where it should all go. I honestly don’t think I felt confident about it until I was actually writing the second year. I second guessed myself repeatedly.

But. I started writing with the original outline because I felt confident about the first few chapters and I trust myself enough now that I know the story will reveal itself if I keep working on it. I had this happen just yesterday with my JB Fic Exchange story, which FINALLY re-settled itself in my head after I kept writing even though I knew what I was writing wasn’t going to be it - that happens a LOT for me, actually, which is also why I write ahead for long stories, because I know things are going to change and I’ll want to go back to earlier chapters to add in moments to support later chapters and changed plots, which I can’t do if I’m writing as I go. Do I flail and freak out every time that I have no idea what I’m doing? Absolutely. Heh. But so far my brain has not let me down. Often I just keep relentlessly writing even though it all feels awkward and weird, because once I stop and re-read and determine WHY it’s awkward and weird, that tells me what I should be doing instead. I’ve thrown away SO MANY words, but they’ve all needed it.

My outline for HFoG was by month, with the idea that each month was a chapter. This is pretty typical for me when I do finally expand on my idea into an outline. All of my multi-chapter fics end up with at least a brief outline with vague, high-level ideas of what I want to happen in each chapter (plot, emotions, romance, whatever), and often one or two specific events or lines of dialogue that have come to me. I don’t write ahead, I write all in a row because of the discovery factor, but when I do get struck by a flash of a scene, I write that down for the chapter I think it’s going to be in.

What’s important for my process is that those scenes can be moved to wherever they need to go, and are often changed by the time I get to them. I do have things in in the final version of HFoG that had been in these early outlines, but not in the place or exact way I first wrote them down, and that’s because as much as I do outline, I have to tell the story I’m actually telling, and that will sometimes wind to places I didn’t expect as I’m writing it. So the outline guides me, but I don’t bind myself to it so tightly that I can’t be flexible when the story demands it. I also re-read the story a lot as I write (or at least the chapters nearest the chapter I’m working on, once it gets to a certain length), because that will often help ground me in where I’m going, too, by remembering where I’ve been.

One of the toughest parts about HFoG as I got deeper into it was juggling secondary and tertiary characters and when to use them and how. Jaime’s and Brienne’s arcs formed the backbone of my outline, but as I pulled in characters, I knew I wanted them to intersect with J&B throughout, usually in support of J&B’s storylines but with the weight of having their own lives going on underneath. To help with that, I had a list of characters who had recurring roles in the story and when I started each chapter, I would go through and remind myself of if I wanted/needed them to appear and what their purpose was for doing so (and a little about what else they’d been up to, so I could throw that in for color - like Pod finding a girlfriend; that had no “plot” effect, but it gave Pod, a character i care about, happiness and was something I could refer to in other scenes just for depth and emotional weight).

As for sticking the landing - I had tremendous anxiety about just that for weeks, most intensely the weeks I was writing the last chapters and right afterward when I was going to post them. I worried people would hate the final confrontation with Tywin, that they’d want more or something different, and in that case it was very reassuring to have Brynn, who was the only one who’d read the ending at that point, to talk me through it. I would HIGHLY recommend a beta who is good at the things you are not, by the way. I can’t tell you the number of times Brynn would make a point about the emotional arc of a scene and remind me to take a step back and look at how the characters were feeling in the moment, and that consistently made the story so much better.

SO. In summary my process is: initial idea; expand on that idea enough I can start writing (which sometimes involved lots of research); outline if I need it but not required as I write the first chapter or two; definitely need an outline after that, organized by chapter, with high points of plot and emotions and whatever else I already have in my head; use the outline as a lamp to illuminate the story I’m telling; keep writing even when it all feels wrong, knowing I will get to the right path EVENTUALLY, and update outline accordingly; lots of freaking out to a sympathetic and smart friend; side-notes about non-main characters so I don’t completely forget them/develop new plot points/expand on existing plot points because of them; hope it all works out in the end. Heh.

Hopefully there’s something helpful here. If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask! And best of luck on your own big project!! It’s a ton of work but the rewards are great in the end. You can do this!

[blondecarfucker]

Bed of Roses (Chapter 19)

Roger Taylor x Reader

BoRhap!Roger Taylor x Reader

(god i hope i didnt already use this gif in another chapter)

Fic Summary: It's 1971. You just moved to London to study, and you find a band on a local pub after a bad date. The encounter doesn’t go the way you expect it, and neither does what follows this evening as you try to deal with loving Roger Taylor.

Fic Note: So I’ve had this story in my head for the last three weeks and finally decided to write it down. It’s completely planned. It will have 21 chapters and it’s divided in three acts: Dusk, Night and Dawn. It’s will be a bit angsty in the future, and it will most likely have some smut as well. I hope you guys enjoy it! Tell me what you think about it in the asks/comments/messages. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE STORY. If this is your first time stumbling upon Bed of Roses, thank you for stopping by! The rest of the story is in my masterlist, the link is in my bio - can't put the link here or else the post will disappear from the tags.

Chapter's notes: HEY GUYS!!! LONG TIME NO SEE, at least compared to my usual posting schedule. but work has been pretty intense these days, so im really sorry for disappearing :( but IM BACK WITH A LONG ASS CHAPTER and theres only TWO MORE CHAPTERS LEFT TO BED OF ROSES. WTF. it's been about a month since i started and i cant thank you all enough for the support. now im gonna stop talking cause you already have a long chapter to read

Words: like more than 5k my bad

Warnings: SMUT!!! HELL YEAH. also theres probably a bunch of errors cause im not revising this chapter in order to post it tonight, so my bad!!!

ACT 3 - DAWN

"It's the moment night time seems weaker and everything seems easier to figure out"

Chapter 19

"I guess", you answer, without much thought, and you start laughing as you both get up and move to the seats in front of you, so you can be as close as possible, nothing between the two of you. "This is so surreal. I'm having a hard time believing you're really here", you tell him, and his eyes go wide as he answers "Tell me about it", and takes another sip of his beer.

"I come inside this bar, a bit nostalgic because I've moved into a new place, and they're playing fucking Fleetwood Mac of all fucking things", he says, and you laugh at the way he says the name's band, so sarcastic, so ironically annoyed; you didn't know you missed it so much.

"And I think, well, that's a huge fucking coincidence, so I get to the bar and here you are. In that dress, too! I'm actually thinking they dropped something in my drink and I'm talking to an empty chair as I'm having a weird acid trip", he completes, and you're laughing non-stop, his smile widening at your response.

"Maybe they really did drop something in my drink, cause it must be an acid trip, it's too good to be true. Why are you here?" you ask, and he looks confused.

"I live nearby! I still live here, you know. You're the one who moved out. My acid trip theory makes way more sense", he tells you, and his smile gets even wider at your response; you're laughing again.

"You're right", you tell him, and you take a sip of your own drink.

"See!! You're saying I'm right right away! This must be an acid trip. Now tell me, hallucination of Y/N: why are you in London?", he asks, and you give him half a smile, shy.

"I got a job offer at the British Museum. Sorry I didn't tell-", you start apologizing, but you're interrupted by him as he pulls you into a hug. "I'm so happy for you!! You deserve it, more than anyone else", he tells you, letting you go of his arms, but you need to catch a breath before you can say anything else.

Roger's smell of patchouli and cigarettes fills your lungs, and you feel like you're melting on your chair.

You suddenly remember why you were horny most of the time around him.

His fucking smell.

And that was not just it - his jaw was more defined, his hair was shorter and bleached, and you had to stop yourself from running your fingers through them; it was even harder now that he broke the invisible barrier of touch between the two of you, the hug proving to you both that the other one was really there.

You noticed that he was looking at your details in close up, too - your lips, your eyes.

"Thanks, Rog", you answer, and you notice how much you missed saying his nickname to him, his reaction to it - his expression softens as soon as he hears it.

"When did you get here? Why didn't you call me?", he asks, and you give him a half smile. "Less than 24 hours ago. I wanted to call you - I called as soon as I got the job offer. It felt right that you should be the first to know, after everything, you know", you said, and he nodded lightly.

"But you never picked up", you said, and he sighed. "I moved out of our flat a couple months ago", he says. "Yeah, I thought so. But how's everything? How are the boys? The music? Why is your hair so short and bleached? Not that I don't love it, of course", you wink, back at your ironic flirting competition without a second thought.

"It's not that shorter", he says, holding a strand between his fingers and analysing it for a second. "I just thought I'd look better if I was even more blonde. Didn't really think much about it. The boys are doing good - we still fight all the time. But I'm very proud of our new album, don't know if you've heard of it", he said, and you scoffed.

"What do you mean? I've been a Queen fan all along. I bought A Day At The Races and everything. And all I've been hearing in the radios ever since I stepped foot in the UK again is We Are The Champions and We Will Rock You. They're both genius, by the way", you tell him, and he leans closer to you, cupping his own cheek as he puts his elbow on the bar counter.

"I didn't knew you kept paying attention. I always imagined you trying to forget us, trying to pretend we never existed", he said, and you didn't knew if his "we" meant the band or the two of you. Maybe both.

"I tried to avoid it, in the beginning. It was hard for me, and it was even harder cause I knew it all happened because of my choices", you tell him, and he frowns. "Hey, it was my fault, too", he says.

"You did take part in it. But it wasn't all you - it was mostly me, actually. I was unhappy with situations I had little control over, so I accidentally sabotaged our relationship, just to see if I still had control over something", you tell him. "I didn't notice it at the time, but I didn't love myself anymore. You can only give what you have. I couldn't love you properly and treat you right cause I didn't even do that to myself at the time", you complete, and his hand touches yours, intertwining your fingers together.

It didn't feel sexual, but it did felt intimate. He wanted to let you know he was there for you.

"Do you treat yourself properly, now?", he asks, concerned, and you nod. "Yeah. Maybe that's why destiny was nice to us today, bringing us here", you say, pointing your finger around to show your environment. "Cause maybe we can be good to each other now", you completed, and he gave you a half smile.

"I want to be nice with you. I wasn't as much as I could. I was always absent, I barely noticed how much you changed. And once I did, I didn't try to help as much as I just missed the old you. Our ending is on me, too", he says, and you can't help but smile at the situation, how unreal it feels.

"Can we take a walk, Rog? I can't really believe this is all happening. I need fresh air", you tell him, and he laughs ever so slightly. "Sure. You and your walks", he says, and you laugh.

You start walking to a park nearby. The wind is making you shiver, so Roger stops and takes his blazer off to put it on your shoulders, and you open your mouth to protest, about to say he doesn't have to do that, as you did many, many times before. "I know I don't have to, Y/N", he says, "but I want to".

He takes your hand into yours as soon as you start walking again. You smile as you realize it's almost as if you've never left, but it's also way better than it was before you left.

You don't regret leaving. If you didn't leave, you wouldn't be having this moment with Rog.

"So you did buy A Day At The Races...", he starts, swinging your arms in an almost childish manner. "Yeah...", you answer, and he turns his face so he can look at you. "Is my song still your favourite from the album?", he asks, and you laugh.

"Of course, Rog. Drowse is actually my favourite song of yours, even though I'm In Love With My Car will always hold a special place in my heart", you answered, and he laughed.

"So full of yourself, Y/N, just because you helped me record engine sounds", he told you, ironically, and you scoffed. "Hey, it's my favourite cause it reminds me of what we did after we recorded stupid engine sounds", you told him, and he smirked.

"I'm not sure if I remember that. Maybe you'll have to remind me", he said, winking, and you laughed.

You arrived at the park, and Roger sat on a bench as you sat on the grass. He looked at you, confused.

"C'mon, Rog. This way we can watch the stars", you told him, and he scoffed as he sat by your side.

"Sure, Brian", he told you, and you hit his shoulder playfully. "I miss the boys, too. Heard John had a baby", you told him, and he nodded. "Yeah, it's a beautiful kid. Reminded the rest of us how bad we are at relationships and families", he said, and it was your turn to laugh.

"It's okay. We all are. Deacy and Veronica are the exception", you told him, laying down. You took his hand into yours as he laid by your side.

"What are you up to, Y/N? I guess you still like fucking Fleetwood Mac", he said, jokingly. "Yeah, I went to their Madison Square Garden concert before coming here", you tell him, and he laughs. "Of course you did. What else?". "The Runaways", and you can see in your peripheral vision as he nods. "They're good", and you turn to the side, so you can watch him.

"Already back at analyzing my music taste, Taylor?", you ask, and he laughs, turning to the side so he can face you. "Well, it's been a while ever since I had the chance to do it. I need to make up for the lost time", he answers, and you shake your head.

"You're an asshole", you tell him, jokingly. "But yeah, I really like some of their stuff, like Cherry Bomb and You Drive Me Wild. There's also Blondie, who'll always have my heart, Debbie being a fellow new yorker, even though she's a new yorker by choice", you start telling him, but you stop once you notice he blushed.

"Roger Taylor, why are you blushing?", you ask, and it clicks once he scratched his head and looked away. "Well...", he started, but then went quiet. You didn't need him to say anything else. "Oh my God. You had an affair with her, didn't you?", and the look in his eyes answers for him.

"I can't believe it, you lucky bastard!", you tell him, and he frowns. "What, you're not jealous?" he asks, and you scoff. "Of course not. I couldn't expect you to stay pure and chaste after we broke up. You had no obligation to be, nor you were ever pure or chaste to begin with", you say, and he laughs. "Also, I'd try to have an affair with Debbie, if I ever had the chance, too. So I understand you", you tell him, and he smirks. "That would be hot", he says, and you slap his chest.

"Such a cliche fetish, Taylor. I expect better from you", you tell him, and he laughs again. "Sorry to disappoint you", he says.

And you stay there, laying in the grass with Roger by your side as you update each other in your lives - he tells you all about Freddie and Mary, and Brian and Chrissie. It seemed as if everyone from the old days but Veronica went away. And he asked you about your work, and New York, and if you still lived on the Upper East - he smiled once you told him you've moved out. He told you about the time he went to the Met last year, hoping to get to see you, and you were shocked when you realized you actually did see him outside as you went out to get lunch, but you couldn't believe it was him, since you were used to seeing him everywhere, knowing it wasn't really him. You were happy once he told you he liked to go to museums now. And once the birds start tweeting around you, and the sky becomes a lighter shade of blue, nearly lilac, you realize you've been talking for hours.

You've never felt so exposed to someone - he knew about your worst side, the saddest moments of your life, the most pathetic choices you've made - ones that hurt him - yet he was still there, laughing with you, interested in every word you said, caressing your arm over his blazer. You felt like you could be completely honest with him - he'd understand.

"Do you want to go?", Roger asks as he takes a strand of your hair and puts it behind your ear.

You look down to his lips, feeling the warmth coming from his body, his hands so close to your lips, your cheeks. You want to feel him against you again, and you think he'll be fine with that.

"Not really. Not now. Do you know what I really want, at the moment?", you ask, and he nods a "no".

"I want you to kiss me", you whisper, and he gives you a coy little smirk as he looks to your lips. "I can do that", he says, leaning in to kiss you.

And the feeling of his lips against yours, light and airy, made something inside you wake up - something you didn't notice was gone for long, but now that it's here again, you can't believe how long it's been ever since it was present. An extraordinary feeling.

You didn't feel complete - you felt complete alone, with yourself. Roger made you more than complete - he made you pour over your edges. He was like the sun - everything with him was brighter, better, more alive, more intense. He gave things the right perspective - not a new perspective, the right perspective. Everything was just better.

Especially you.

-

After a few moments kissing lightly, still getting used to each other's lips again, Roger kisses your cheek and whispers, his breath leaving goosebumps on your skin. "Do you know what I want?", he asks, his forehead against yours, and you nod lightly. "I want to go home with you", he tells you, and you smirk.

"I can do that", you retort, and he laughs a little as he gets up, offering you a hand. "Mademoiselle", he says, with an affected accent, and you take his hand.

You stroll along the sidewalk, still holding hands, as Roger looks for a passing cab. You just watch, and the sunlight makes his features look more real - he looked too much like an angel, a hallucination, when you were talking at night. Now he was here, a real person, by your side, looking for a cab so he could take you home - so casual, such a thing normal people do, you were sure you couldn't hallucinate with that. When you daydreamed of Roger, even before you started dating him, it was never this type of casual stuff. Now you understand that these simple moments together are what really makes you care about him so much.

-

He turns the key to open the door to his new place, but before he pushes it open, he turns to you.

"It's a bit empty… Not every new piece of furniture is here already", he tells you, and you nod. "I get it. My flat is mostly boxes, at the moment".

He pushes the door open and the first thing you feel is the sunrise on your eyes, the sun warming up your skin.

You take off his blazer as you get inside, and you can feel his eyes on you as your eyes adjust to the light. You put the blazer on a chair as you walk closer to the other side of the living room, where the entire wall was glass, giving you a perfect view of River Thames and its bridges, looking magical as the sun glimpsed from the horizon.

"This is amazing, Rog", you tell him, and he says "Yeah, it's a pretty nice view" from behind you, checking you out. You walk to him and playfully hit him. "Back at your old ways, I see", you say, and he smirks.

"Only if you let me" he says, and you laugh. You wonder if it's not weird that you're both barely questioning if you should do this - go back to each other's arms so quickly - but you shake the thought out of your mind. You sabotaged this relationship enough, you hurted Roger and yourself enough. Now you decide to just deal with things as they come - if right now, the two of you are interested in being together again, even if it's just now, so you will be.

"I will", you answer him, and a smile appears on his lips as your hands move to his hair, your attention now focused on how it will feel on your hands.

But then the phone rings.

"Oh, for fuck's sake", Roger complains, and you're divided between being annoyed and laughing at his response. "I'll be back in a minute", he says, turning around and walking to the phone.

He answers the phone, his voice visibly annoyed firing quick responses to whoever was on the other side of the line. "I know. I'll be there. Now you said I had the week off, so pretend I don't exist until it's over", he says, and then turns it off.

You're still where you were when he went to pick up the phone, but it felt a bit weird to just go back to it - the phone call ruined the mood.

Roger knew that. So he just smiled and shrugged, saying "I can't even have a week off without the label calling me this hour in the morning", and you give him a half smile. Instead of walking straight towards you, he stops by the record player, looking for something in the boxes on its side, until he finds what he's looking for.

You recognize what's playing, and it's something you wouldn't expect from Roger. It was Bob Marley and The Wailers new album, Exodus - Turn Your Lights Down Low, to be more specific.

You chuckled as he walked closer to you. "Didn't knew you liked reggae, Mr Taylor", you told him, and he laughed. "Are you judging my music taste, Y/N? I thought you were better than this", and he offered you a hand, taking you into his arms so you could sway your bodies to the rhythm of the song. "Also, it's a pretty appropriate song, if you pay attention to the lyrics", he said, and you did so as he started to whisper them on your ear, giving you goosebumps.

"I kept this message for you, girl

But it seems I was never on time

Still I wanna get through to you, girlie

On time, on time

I want to give you some love, good, good lovin'"

His lips went down to your neck, but you wanted to kiss him after hearing those words coming out of his mouth in his husky voice, so you entangled your fingers on his hair and pulled his lips into yours.

This kiss was more rough, it wasn't romantic as the last one in the park. This one was needy - you tried telling him how much you missed him on it, and so did he. You felt his shoulders under your hands as his hands went straight to your bum.

You chuckled against his lips as he pressed you to the wall, but once you felt cold glass against your back, you pushed him back, slightly. He looked confused.

"Don't want to test how much your window can take or flash your new neighbours, do we?", you ask, and he smiles. "If it's with you, I wouldn't mind, really", Roger tells you, but he guides you to his room anyway.

"The bed is not here yet, but the mattress already is", he says, and you nod. "Guess I really won't have an option but flashing your neighbours", you point to the window. "Hey, it's a pretty tall building. No other building around us is tall enough to really see what's happening here. Just the sun, the birds and the Thames", he says, grabbing you by your waist back into a kiss.

This one's a bit slower, more in sync with the music coming from the living room. You start to unbutton his shirt, sliding it off his arms. You break the kiss so you can look at him, his torso more defined than before. "I missed you", you tell him, kissing him again, and his eyes flicker to your chest for a moment before he mumbles an I missed you too against your lips.

You moaned when the feeling of his tongue massaging yours was combined with his thumbs brushing against your nipples over the dress. He groaned in response, and one of your hands that were on his neck went to cup his jaw, and you could feel the stubble under your fingers.

He moves his kisses to you neck as you recover your breath, playing with your earlobe as your breathing hitched. He pressed his nose against your skin. "You smell so good. I couldn't remember it, sometimes", he told you, and you smirked. "Did you think about me a lot?", you ask, and he moves away from your neck so he could look into your eyes. "When I was alone, you were usually the one I'd think about", he said, and you blushed.

This seemed to turn him on even more, as he unzipped the back of your dress and pulled it down, the chiffon making a ruffling sound as it hit the floor. Roger kicked his shoes and socks away as he kissed your cleavage, his lips leaving a fiery trace wherever they touched your skin. "God, you're so sexy", he said, pulling you closer by the hip as one of his hands slipped your bra strap off your shoulder, pulling the lace off from one of them as he cupped it.

You move your head back as you moan when his thumb repeats the movement on your nipple, but this time with no fabric between them. He moves his hands to your back and unclasps your bra, sliding the other strap off your shoulders and throwing the bra to the side.

He gets on his knees as he moves his wet kisses down to your stomach, and then closer to your underwear, and you get ready for him to take it off, but he doesn't, moving his hands to your ankles and moving them to the side, which makes you open your legs a bit wider. You hold onto his hair, a smirk on his lips as you do so, and he starts kissing the inner part of your things, and you groan, annoyed that he's teasing you.

But he's actually helping you take your shoes off, and you smile as you realize that. Once you kick your scarpins away, he strokes the sides of your legs until he reaches the elastic band of your lace underwear. He pulls it down slowly, moving his kisses to your lower stomach as they fall off and you kick them away.

You make an annoyed sound when he breaks away from you to take you to his "bed", the mattress on the ground. You lean into the pillows as he's on top of you again, and your annoyed to feel the fabric of his trousers against you. "You're wearing too many clothes", you complain, and he smirks. "Just a minute, okay, babe?", he says, and you can't hold a genuine smile at the sound of your old nickname.

He notices that, pinching your cheeks ironically before going back to kissing you. He doesn't take long before nibbling your lower lip and then moving his kisses back to your breasts, stimulating one with his thumb on one of your nipples while kissing the other. You can't help but moan.

Roger then slides the hand from your breasts to your sides, moving it down to your core, stroking you. You groan, and you groan again even louder as he starts massaging your clit. "You're so wet, already", he says, and you smirk at him, almost challenging him. What are you going to do about it? you seem to ask, raising your brow.

And he breaks contact with him, making your eyes narrow as you frown, only for them to get wide as his big, callous hands separate your thighs and his lips take the place where his fingers were moments before.

"Fuck, Roger", you moan, his tongue massaging your clit as he slides two fingers inside you. "God, Rog", you say, as he continues his movements. You're pulling at his hair to keep him where he was.

After a few minutes, you pull harder at his hair, and he starts to pump his fingers faster on you. He moans against you as you keep saying his name, and the buzz from it makes you vibrate. That's enough to send you over the edge, and he breaks away from you after your first orgasm that morning.

He licks his lips as he wraps his arms around you, still shaking from your orgasm. "You taste so good, Y/N. I also missed the way you scream my name, even though it's early in the morning. I'm happy to wake my neighbours up to this", he says, but you recovered your breath, and you want to do something you missed, too. So you turn him over so you can now be on top of him, and you kiss him, very roughly, grinding against him and feeling him hard under you.

"Told you you're wearing too many clothes", you said as he groaned. You kept riding him with his pants still on, just to tease him, as you left love marks on his skin. You missed it.

But you wanted to feel him against your tongue again, so you got off his lap and unzipped his pants, pulling them down along with his underwear as he sucked a breath. You felt like you teased him enough, but as you positioned yourself, you stroked him a few times, earning more moans from him, but nothing compared to the way he said your name as you moved your lips down on him, pressing a kiss to the tip before taking him completely into your mouth.

You loved the feeling of control having him inside your mouth always gave you, his taste on your tongue as he tugged on your hair to help you find a rhythm. You watched as one of his hands let go of you to tug on the bedlinen by the side of your head.

It was only a few minutes after you started when he pulled you away and onto his lips again. "I was about to come. I want to shag you properly before I can come, babe", he said, giving you a quick peck before turning you over so he's on top of you now.

"Sure, Rog", you say, giving him a peck back. "Can you go slow? It's been a while, at least for me. A few months", you shrug, and he gives you a soft smile.

"So guys in New York weren't that interesting, then?", he asks, and you smile. "Not that much. Nothing remarkable, really. And plain nothing ever since I found out I'd be moving here again", you told him, and he smiled. "I'll make your wait worth it", he said, and you smile. "You already did. This is gonna be a bonus", you told him.

You wrapped your legs around him, giving him free access to you while pulling him closer, and you moan at the same time once he starts to get inside you slowly, bottoming out and staying there for a few seconds.

"God, Y/N", he says, and the way he says your name drives you crazy - his beautiful voice almost sang it to your ears. He started moving slowly, so you could adapt to his size again, and soon he picked up a faster pace, closing his eyes when he cursed, looking down to watch your breasts bounce at his movements, leaving marks on your butt cheeks as he gripped on them.

It wasn't long before you had your second orgasm with him, crying out his name, which only made his movements faster - he was close again.

You watched his muscles popping under his skin as he thrusted, and you wanted to make him hit his high as soon as possible, since he did it for you twice today. "Fuck, Rog, you feel so good", you told him, and you could see the veins in his neck popping, his jaw clenching. "Come for me, Roger", you said, and he pushed into you once more, collapsing over your body later. You ran your fingers through his hair as he recovered his breath, feeling a thin layer of sweat covering your bodies.

"God, I've missed you", he told you, pressing a kiss to the curve of your neck.

-

You woke up, the afternoon light blinding you for a few seconds. But even once your eyes adjusted to it, you were confused about your surroundings.

Then you remember everything - Roger.

You're in his new place, and even though he's not in bed with you, you can still feel him around you - his smell, the feeling of him inside you.

You get up and pick his button up off the ground, almost second nature - you used to do it all the time. Once you get out, Roger is paying a delivery guy only in his boxers.

"Y/N! You're awake!" he smiles, shaking the delivery guy's hand a goodbye and closing the door, and you smile back at him. "Yeah, it's been a pretty long night", you told him, and he left the paper bag with the delivery on top of the table before pulling you into a hug, pressing a kiss on top of your head. "Love these long nights that turn into quite long mornings. It's 2pm, so good afternoon, sunshine, and I got us lunch", he told you, leading you to the table.

"Great, I'm starving", you told him, and he got sushi trays out of the bag. "Nice choice. Didn't think your taste for sushi would continue for so long", you told him, already eating.

"Didn't ever think I'd share sushi again with you", he shrugged, and you smiled. "Y/N, where are we?", he asked, and you frowned.

"I have no idea. I tried not to overthink us for the last few hours, but you're right. Maybe we should talk about this", you said, pointing your finger to the both of you.

"I love you, still", he said, simply, and you smiled. "I love you too, Rog. I never stopped loving you - we just needed time so we could figure our lives, maybe?", you asked, and he nodded.

"Yeah, but I'm afraid to rush things now and ruin everything. But I also don't want this fear to stop me from being with you, if I want to", he said, and you agreed.

"Maybe we should just do the stuff we want to, no strings attached, no names given for what we are. We'll just go with it, at least for now", you said, and he agreed.

"Yeah, about that. I have the next week off before I need to go promote News Of The World, and it will be a month before I'm back here in London again. Then we have the launch party and three weeks of rehearsing before tour", he told you, and you knew he wanted to compare schedules, know how long you might have together. It happened before, many times.

"I only start working next Monday", you said. It was a Sunday, almost eight full days before you had to work.

"So we have a free week. I thought about what you just said now, and I have an idea", he said, a devilish smirk on his lips, the one you knew so well, and you raised a brow. "Enlighten me, then", you told him.

"You just talked about doing the stuff we want to, just going with it, stuff like that, right? So, at the moment, I just really want to take you to Paris and spend the week with you there", he told you, and you choked on your food.

He laughed as he helped you drink some sake to get the food down. "So, do you want to go?", he asked, and you thought about it, still red from the incident.

Your natural instinct was to say no - you had to unpack your stuff, and adapt or whatever, before work. But his question - do you want to go instead of can you go - made you reconsider.

You wanted to go, so you nodded. "Sure", you said, and then laughed. Life took the most unexpected turns with you, sometimes.

"Really? Great!! I can drive you to your new place so you can pack before we go to the train station and just hop on the next train to Paris", he said, excited, pulling you in for another hug, and then moving his hands to cup your face. "I just thought it could be fun if we went some country none of us really know and discover it together. Also, it's pretty romantic, so lots of opportunities to get you turned on", he winked, and you laughed.

As you felt his fingers brush against your cheeks, you remembered something you wanted to ask, and took one of his hands into your own so you could look at it. "Rog, your hands have always been pretty callous because of the drumsticks, but now the fingertips are, too. Why?" you asked, and he shrugged. "I've been playing the guitar a lot, recently", he said, and you opened your mouth in shock.

"No way! I need to see it", you told him, and he smiled. "Sure. Right after I take a shower, I'll take you to meet my Fender. Then you can help me pack before we go to your place", he told you, pressing a kiss on your lips. "Thank you. Really, thank you", he said, and you smiled. "Thank you, Rog. I was scared you'd hate me, sometimes. Now go take that shower before I join you and we never get on a train to Paris", you told him, turning him around and slapping his ass, playfully.

As you heard the shower and Roger's singing as he showered, you walked to the window, taking in the view.

You were back in London, and back with Roger.

And you couldn't be happier.

---

Chapter 20

Masterlist

Taglist:

@taylorroger-s @sarai-ibn-la-ahad @its-nessi @anamcg317 @frenchieswiftie @queen-danielle-dani-dan @minihemo @shutup-sorry @theyrealllegends @killerqueenisthebest @ashagracelove @hardy-s @fuckinghurricanesoul @secretsweetscollectionblog @mrswinterhater @11mb0 @tamtam-go92 @derptatosaur @brianandthemays @phantom-fangirl-stuff @the-hysterical-queen @rogerofmylife @notevenlxvely @discodeakyy @x1975sos @16wiishes @jennycidesstuff @partydulce @melros-e @onevisionliz

[scullyy]

Best Surprise

Title: Best Surprise

Pairing: Clementine x Louis

Word Count: 2134

Summary: It's Clementine's birthday, so Louis and AJ attempt to make it a great one. 

A/N: I need to redeem myself after the last few sad fics I wrote. Enjoy :)

-

AJ put his plan into motion by slowly climbing onto the edge of the bed, being incredibly careful as to not wake Clementine or the snoring mess beside her, Louis. Part of him was tempted to jump on Louis instead just to get him to shut up, but he was a kid with a plan and nothing could distract him. AJ pounced onto Clementine like an animal, landing on her stomach with a thud.

“Happy birthday Clem!” He shouted, ripping her out of a peaceful sleep, had it been anyone else she would have already pinned them to the ground.

Clementine felt winded, AJ weighed a lot more than she remembered. “What the hell are you doing AJ?”

“It's your birthday! We have to do something.” He seemed much more eager than she was. Her birthday was never something she went out of her way for, there was no true point. AJ always tried to make it a big deal when she taught him what birthdays were.

“What’s going on?” Louis croaked, rubbing the crap out of his eyes. “What is weighing down my arm?”

“It's me,” AJ didn't take into account Louis's arm that was draped around Clementine's stomach, he'll have to live with it for now. “I'm not moving.”

“Alright then little dude.” Louis slammed his head back onto the pillow, he wasn't a morning person and as far as he was concerned this was going to be another slow day.

“He's just excited cause it's my birthday,”

Wait, WHAT.

Louis shot upright, hitting his head on the top bunk. The pain wasn’t phasing him, not when there was something more important at hand. “It's your birthday?”

“She's eighteen,” AJ wiggled slightly, unable to keep in his excitement.

“And yet I let you sleep in on your birthday,” Clementine slowly pushed AJ off her stomach and sat against the headboard, her little boy resting comfortably in her lap. “What makes this birthday so special?”

“Well, usually your birthday makes you upset, but you haven't been sad lately and now we have Louis and I think he should celebrate with us.”

Clementine started blushing but Louis's heart began to flutter. He leaned over to AJ, ignoring the eye roll from Clem. “So what's the master plan?” There were so many things to do, so little time. Unfortunately, most of them would only be plausible if there were no walkers. It would be impossible to write ‘Happy Birthday Clementine!’ in the sky now.

Clementine shot him a deadly glare. “There is no plan, you guys don't have to do anything.”

“No can do Clemmy-”

“-Don't call me that-”

“-AJ and I have things to discuss,” He swiftly bounced off the bed and grabbed his coat. “Come on little dude, we have work to do.” AJ rolled off of Clementine and followed Louis outside, almost bounding out the door with such glee Louis thought he was on the cusp of exploding. He gave Clem a brief wink before shutting the door, leaving Clementine alone in bed with wide eyes.

“What just happened?”

-

“So, any ideas?”

AJ shrugged. “Not really, last year I gave her this flower I found and the year before that it was a hug.”

It's the thought that counts.

“Well it's time for Team Fun to up the ante,” Louis stretched his fingers dramatically, in the same fashion as when he’s about to play the piano, making AJ laugh. “I like the flower idea, we’ll keep that in mind. Have you done anything else for her birthday?”

“No, I didn’t know what a birthday was.”

“What has Clementine done for your birthday?” Louis was trying his best to milk out as much information as possible, but it’s hard when the child in question doesn’t understand social concepts.

“She would give me extra food and we’d spend the day playing games.”

God, she's such a good mom.

“Alrighty, so games are also an option. I’ll go and search the basement, there’s a whole pile of old stuff there that might make for a decent present, how about you go to Tenn and see if you two and draw up a cool birthday card.”

“What’s a card?”

“He’ll explain it to you. We’ll meet up at the flagpole when we’re done.”

The boys split off into two different directions with different goals. The basement wasn’t Louis’s favourite place to be, it hadn’t be opened in a few years, there was so much clutter down there it was pointless to try and clean it.

The basement was stationed near the nurses' office, it used to be a storage unit for the classes, all the spare equipment was kept down there. “Fuck, I hope there's no weird ecosystem growing,” The door squeaked as Louis slowly opened it a crack, sticking his head through. “Hey potential walkers, please don't jump out and eat me.”

The stairs were blanketed in dust and creaked as Louis made the descent into the dark that scared him as a child. He and Marlon would dare each other to sneak down there during the night and bring back something. Marlon once brought a box filled with spare guitar picks, Louis beat him with a spare hockey stick that he used to chase Violet during lunch.

The teachers kept an eye on him from that point on.

The small window didn't provide much insight, the majority of the room was hidden in shadows, not having seen daylight in years. Thankfully the rays of light shining in revealed a cardboard box labelled ‘Photography and Digital Media - Mrs Bryant’.

“Ah Mrs Bryant,” Louis sighed as memories of her trying to teach the rule of thirds and David Moore entered his brain. “You never did forgive me for cracking the lens of your Kodak.”

He began to dig through the box, hoping for a diamond in the rough. His wishes were answered when he came across a Polaroid camera somehow in working condition. “I won't even question it.”

Louis quickly ran back up the stairs, his childhood fears giving him adrenaline. He slammed the door with relief. “Fuck that place.”

He ran out to the courtyard, peering down corridors to look for Clementine, the one time he didn't want to run into her. AJ was sitting by the flagpole as instructed, a folded piece of paper in his hand and a few freshly plucked flowers in the other.

“Hey AJ, card ready?”

He opened it and showed Louis his and Tenn's masterpiece. “Does it look good?”

Louis smiled, impressed by the little cartoons drawn along the bottom of the card. “She'll love it.”

“What the fuck are you two doing?”

Louis quickly hid the camera behind his back as he turned, expecting an angry Clementine. Luckily it was just Violet.

“It's super secret Vi, it only involves the members of Team Fun.”

Violet rolled her eyes, something she often did in Louis's presence. “Come on don't be a dick. Tell me.” She tried peeking behind Louis's back, curiosity getting the better of her.

“Fine. It's Clementines birthday and AJ and I have prepared a little surprise,” He brought the camera around slowly. “I found this in the basement, not entirely sure what to use it for but it’s somehow in working condition.”

“You went into the basement? Damn Louis, this is serious,” Violet eyed the camera playfully. “I think I know what the gift can be,” Within a flash, she yanked the camera from his hands and took a photo of herself giving the peace sign. Slowly the photo emerged from the gap in the camera. “You can give her something to hold onto forever.”

“That's actually really sweet Vi. I knew beneath that rough exterior there's a kind girl wanting to break free-”

“No fuck off.”

Soon the other kids gathered around to see the contraption in Violet's hand and everyone wanted to be featured in a photo. Violet took one of her and Louis poking their tongues out, AJ got one of him and Tenn smiling, even though half his face was out of the frame. Louis even captured one of Aasim in the midst of laughing, a truly rare sight. It took ten minutes to develop, but as each one unfolded it brought laughter and created excitement over Clem's potential reaction.

Clementine had been watching the commotion through the window, never had she seen any of the other kids act so excited. “What's going on?” She called as she jumped down the stairs.

“Happy Birthday Clem!” Ruby called out, causing a cheer amongst the other kids.

Clementine slowly placed her hands on her hips as she stared down Louis and AJ, who tried to look as innocent as possible.

“We tried to surprise you, so we organised a gift,” Louis was hoping he wouldn't get beat for this as he tidied the pile of photos and slid them inside the card. ”We all grant thee, Princess Clementine, the greatest of days.” Louis got down on one knee and presented her the card, AJ in tow, handing her the flowers.

She took her gifts gently from their hands, a little afraid of what was inside the card. But there was no reason to be, there was a long message on one side of the card, written from AJ, with a couple of drawings of flowers, cartoon monsters and her hat. On the other side were little messages from everyone, wishing her a happy day and Louis saying that he loves her the most, with AJ's writing beneath it going against Louis's claims.

“This is... “ Her heart began to beat faster as she looked through all the photos. “Incredible.”

Louis and AJ let out a sigh of relief.

“How long did this take to plan?”

Louis playfully swatted the air. “Not long at all, the brain power of Team Fun goes beyond the cosmos,” AJ nodded in agreement, he understood none of that statement but assumed it was good.

Clementine closed the card and ran to the group, enveloping them all in a hug. “Thanks guys.” They all eagerly hugged her back.

-

Clementine immediately went to work on placing the pictures on the wall by her bed. It definitely made it more like home, everyone's smiles were genuine, it made Clementine feel warm in her heart. The flowers were lying neatly by her hat on the desk, they certainly brightened up the place.

“Did you enjoy today?”

Clementine jumped slightly, Louis's voice bringing her out of her thoughts. He was casually leaning against the doorway, toying with the camera in his hands. “I did, I haven't had a birthday this fun in a long time.”

“I'm glad, it was fun to plan it with AJ,” He invited himself into the room and sat next to Clementine, the bed sinking a little under their weight. “He cares a heck of a lot about you, we all do.”

AJ had opened up to Louis in a way that genuinely shocked Clementine. Whenever they were together it reminded Clem of her relationship with Lee, it always brought a smile to her face. “He gets very determined sometimes.”

Louis agreed, not taking his eyes off the camera. “Your birthday isn't over yet, there's still one photo missing,” He motioned for her to come closer which she did, any chance to get close to Louis was a chance taken. “I haven't gotten one with you today. I need this as photographic evidence.”

He positioned the camera in front of him and Clementine, ready to take the shot. “Evidence of what?”

“That I was as lucky to have someone like you.”

Clementine burst out laughing, hiding her face in his thick coat. Louis frantically captured the moment, hoping that he didn't lose her smile. “You know, the whole point of a photo is to take pictures of people and their faces. You hiding yours defeats the purpose.”

“Well, you caught me off guard!” She plucked out the photo with ease and placed it onto the dresser. “If I look like an idiot I'll blame you.”

“I'm confident in my photography skills, despite the fact the teacher hated me.” His smile makes Clementine die and come back to life all at once, even the missing tooth is something she finds endearing.

“Whatever, thank you for reminding me that birthdays can be fun,” She laid a swift kiss to his cheek, catching him off guard. “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I usually like my birthday to slip under the radar, no point in making a fuss.”

Louis smoothly slipped his hand around her waist. “Ah but you are worth the fuss my dear,” He repaid the kiss with one to her forehead. “But like I said, your birthday isn’t over yet. Come on.” Louis stood from the bed, leading Clementine out the door. “There are games to be played!”

[alabastertouch]

It’s Not Me | I

Characters: Composer!Park Chanyeol x brokenhearted!reader; appearances by other idols

Genre: Angst, Fluff (in the future??? aye aye)

Warning/s: Mentions of a toxic relationship, cursing

Summary: After a songwriter broke your heart, you swore you would never do anything that involves music. But when a desperate composer asks for your kind help, will you change your mind?

A/N: I don’t know what to say... I’ve never written chaptered fics before (okay, I’ve written ten thousand prologues and first chapters and lost inspo) but now I’m doing this! You want Chanyeol, I’m giving you Chanyeol... in many chapters!

Enjoy this read!

story masterlist

“I hate songs,” you mutter as you tune for the news station on the radio. “They’re misleading… always talking about love like it’s all rainbows and butterflies, when in reality, it’s a fucking distress.”

“Jeez, Y/N, what an empowering thing to say to a dancer and a songwriter,” Seulgi rolls her eyes, reminding her purpose in life that you’ve suddenly forgotten.

“Sorry…” you mumble. “It’s just—”

“No need for explanations, babe,” she holds her hand up, halting your oncoming string of apologies. “I get where you’re coming from.”

You do not know how thankful you are of Seulgi for sticking with you throughout the entire mess that had been your life for the past few months. After being the subject of news articles because of Jihoon and your alleged “infidelity,” you’ve been cut out by most people in your life.

“How’s the job hunting going on?” You change the topic, not wanting to linger on your self-pity and hatred.

“Ugh, awful!” Seulgi screams out, putting the list of possible jobs down on the wooden table as she exhales in frustration. “I should’ve thought practically before admitting myself as a Ballet major.”

Seulgi had graduated last year from Kyung Hee University as a major in Dance, specifically in the field of ballet. After taking a minor in music, she had fully cultivated her skills that is supposed to be on stage. Sadly, though, this talent of hers had yet to reach its peak, because she had been struggling looking for a job that matches both her skills and interests.

“It’s what you love, Seul,” you try to bring her up. “You could have been an accountant, but would you love that?”

“I suppose not,” she grumbles, crossing out another item from the listing. “Is the teaching going well?”

“I feel ten years older, Seulgi!” You exclaim, venting out your own share of obstruction.

“Wasn’t it your first day yesterday?” Seulgi asks.

“Isn’t that saying something?” You pout in exhaustion. “Kids are clingy and demanding. I should’ve taken note of that before taking a daycare shift as my first job.”

You and Seulgi can only stare at each other, wallowing in your hopelessness in life.

“I’m sorry about Jihoon,” it was taboo for you and Seulgi to talk about him in your apartment, but the unspeakable needs to be amended. Seulgi had never turned her back against you and believed everything you said in defense of his accusations.

“It’s nothing you nor I could have helped, Seulgi.”

Jihoon had pointed his finger at you and accused you of seeing another man while he was working in the studio. At first you had no idea what he was doing, because you thought he loved you and trusted you entirely. The night he said he saw you out with one of his friends was when you were cramped up at home, searching for a job that would make your ends meet.

Of course, all your friends believed him… Lee Jihoon never ever lies, they said.

He can never hurt you, they insisted.

Guess what, fuckers, he did.

It didn’t surprise you that a week later, he had released a song addressing your break up and being replaced by another man in front of his very eyes, yet saying that he doesn’t to cry over you anymore despite still being in love with you.

Fucking liar. You laugh in disbelief after downing your dose of caffeine. I hope your career flops and you’ll be nothing but a one-hit wonder.

“I heard he’s struggling,” Seulgi’s hint of mockery takes you out of your reverie once again and makes you grin in gloriousness. “He hasn’t come out with a song since Don’t Wanna Cry. No one’s buying his shit anymore.”

“Great,” you cackle. “I somehow feel touched he wrote an amazing song about me.”

“He’s an asshole, but a talented one,” and you had to admit that it’s true. Jihoon always had a gift that he only needed to nurture, and it was innate for him to write something so good in record time. It’s a wonder why he’s on a hiatus right now.

“Anyway, what time does your work end?” Seulgi questions.

“I get off at 4. Why?”

“Come over later to the mall!” She invites you. “Jongin said we have a new product, and if I convince some people to try it out, they’ll raise my pay!”

You begin to shift uncomfortably, because the last time she asked you to come over, Jongin made you taste their cucumber cake and make people believe that it actually tastes good than what it sounds and looks like. You did convince many people to buy it, but with a bout of bathroom trips by the end of the night.

“It’s not food this time!” She strongly denies. “I’m pretty sure it’s some machine, but I promise, no weird food!”

“Fine,” you accept with reluctance. “Just nothing that creates diarrhea, okay?”

“Of course!” Seulgi assures you.

After finishing your microwave mac and cheese, you leave for work, internally preparing yourself to take care of a bunch of five-year-olds who banter physically as much as they can.

Can life get any better?

Yes. Yes, it can.

You descend off the bus, straightening your pencil skirt before entering the mall.

The kids in the daycare had been full of mischief, as usual. One little boy, Bobby, had begun a food fight during lunch that you successfully dodged and left Mijoo to figure out how to stop. She had been fuming afterwards, but let you off since your new.

The aircon hits your face like a gust of wind.

This place reminds you of a better time… one spent with Jihoon during your university days. Seulgi had been working here since then, and you always went to support her on her part time job… thus that same night of toilet papers and buckets.

You ignore the tightening of your chest when you pass by Enrico’s, a pizza place that you and Jihoon frequented. He’d always wait for you inside whenever he finished classes first, and he’d let you listen to some demos he had made. Of course, you always praised him… no pretention was needed since he created amazing compositions every time.

You do not dare to look back anymore, because Jihoon never did. You have no reason to stay in the past… one which he had already long forgotten.

“You came!” You hear someone scream, and you find Jongin in a chicken costume on the shop across. He rushes to you, holding a tray for free-tasting.

“Were you chatting with other workers?” You tease him, smirking. “If Seul finds out, she’ll get heartbroken!”

“N-no!” Jongin sputters, denying strongly. “I was just asking them to get some so I can get out of this damn costume.”

“I thought you love chicken?” You chuckle, joshing him further.

“I love eating them, Y/N. I never aspired to be one!” Jongin is starting to get annoyed with you, and you decide that it’s time to stop messing with him.

“Where’s Seul?” You look around, searching for a certain auburn Hagrid-looking lady somewhere else.

“She’s setting up the new arrivals!” Jongin informs. “I swear, Y/N, this new thing is the bomb! Have you ever heard of home karaoke machines?” He tattles, finally giving off the last piece of his free food.

“Yeah? Jongin, it’s been around for decades!” You shriek. “Is it a karaoke machine?”

“It is! And it is no ordinary karaoke! You can control it with your voice!” He sounds so excited, that it seems to rub on you. He takes the head piece of his costume off and drags you to the electronics store Seulgi works at.

“Hello! Hello! The mic is working!” You listen to Seulgi testing the workability of the karaoke machine. “Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the Smart Norae! Yay!” She claps excitedly, though she wasn’t able to turn heads with her enthusiasm.

“Well, fu—”

“Hey!” Before she can anything that can get her fired, you call out for her.

“Okay, our star is here!” Seulgi shoves the mic on your hands, hoping it will catch more attention. “Okay, miss, what’s your name?”

You’ve been through all of these tactics. Seulgi always pretends that she has no idea who you are, and that you are just a customer who happened to come by with curiosity.

“I’m Y/N,” you join in.

“Miss Y/N, do you love singing?” You look at your best friend in horror. You just told her how much you hated music this morning, and after promising that you will help her out today, you hadn’t thought that she would make you sing.

“Sure,” you half-heartedly reply.

“Great!” Seulgi jumps. “With Smart Norae, singing has never been easier! You can say the name of the song through this mic and it will play immediately!”

“Really?” You fake your excitement and wonder.

“Yes!” If Seulgi detects your pretense, she doesn’t pay mind to it. “Just push this blue button on the remote control and say the name of the song you want to sing, Miss Y/N.”

You look at Jongin for help, but he excuses himself and heads back to the chicken store which is actually owned by this gadget shop as well.

You have no way out.

“Alright,” you take the remote with hesitance. You think of a song before pressing the blue button.

Your chosen song finally plays through the speaker installed on the karaoke machine, and you can see the guilt worn on Seulgi’s face before you can begin singing.

“On a ripped piece of paper, I wrote down how I really feel and it gets clear, somethin’ bout you…” You get to the melody, hoping that your voice isn’t shaky and not making a total fool of yourself.

“Yeah, you and I are similar but different. Do you feel the same way? I’m getting my hopes up…” Some people begin to stop by and watch, listening to the way your voice is finally mixing into the song.

And soon, your emotion gets ahead of you.

“Not me. It won’t be easy for me. Still, you fill up my days…” You start voicing your heart out, hoping that wherever Jihoon is in this world, he can hear the difference between your heart and his.

A small crowd has gathered behind you, and you check to see their heads banging softly and joining in the music. The emotional lyrics also gather sympathy from some high schoolers, and you can see them holding their chest for emphasis.

“Between the meaningless jokes, back-and-forth conversations and all the people, I look like I’m fine. I pretend to be numb and I try to smile…” You reach the bridge of song, now feeling the constrict in your chest.

This is the last time I’m crying for you, Lee Jihoon.

“Not yet… I tell myself, like a fool. I can’t swallow the words that linger in my mouth. It’s not fine~”

It really is not.

It is not okay how he broke you… How he made you believe that he will never change if he reaches success and how he will never hurt you on purpose. Maybe it was his plan to break you all along, and he’s just waiting for the right time to play the victim and go all out in writing an iconic breakup song.

He may have been successful, but you’re not going to play the broken ex anymore.

You hear a round of applause just after the song finishes… some howling, even, for the emotional performance in the middle of the mall. Seulgi claps unstoppably, and you can see Jongin flapping around in his white rooster costume.

You may have sworn that you hate music, but you can never deny the fact that it makes people smile.

Not now, you think. Maybe I’ll learn to be happy with it, but not now.

“Chanyeol! Yah, Park Chanyeol!” The called turns around to find out what his manager is yapping around.

“What is it, hyung?” Junmyeon catches his breath, holding his cellphone out for Chanyeol to see. “What, are you bragging about your new phone or something?”

“No!” Junmyeon scrolls for something on his phone. “You said Wendy declined the offer for Kyungsoo’s new album, right?”

“Yeah, she said she’s working on her solo,” Chanyeol groans, reminded of the numerous attempts to ask Wendy for her participation on Kyungsoo’s latest EP. He had been given the job once again due to the success of Kyungsoo’s debut, in which he participated in producing. Pressure is off the charts for him, since the said album had sold almost a million copies all over South Korea.

But every single song had been dismissed by Lee Sooman. Even Kyungsoo is trying to come up with something, but the songs were either too bland or monotonous, with no feelings at all.

So, the president suggested a duet instead.

Of course, Kyungsoo is fine with it. Even Chanyeol has no problem working with another singer. The thing: no women are available.

Although there are female singers all over their company, their voices do not match well with Kyungsoo’s baritone. Wendy’s does, but since she is busy with her own activities, she had been eliminated as a choice. Asking a singer from another company would be the last option, and Chanyeol does not feel desperate enough to ask for a singer outside their agency yet.

“I was in the mall a while ago—Aha, I found it!” Junmyeon finally shows Chanyeol the video. “This girl’s voice is a fucking gem!”

The clip opens with an orange-headed girl chirping… possibly a saleslady with her red uniform.

“Hyung, wha—”

“Just listen!” Junmyeon hisses.

“Fine!” Chanyeol takes ahold of the phone. The tune of one of Taeyeon’s songs surrounds, and when the girl opens her mouth, Chanyeol swears he had just lost his own voice.

She belts the notes as well as Taeyeon does.

Chanyeol focuses on her, watching how emotionally driven her performance is. Some people can feel it, he notices, as they sometimes murmur their “aww’s.”

“Hey, is that my song?” Taeyeon enters in the studio after hearing a song she had just released being sung.

“Yes, noona!” Junmyeon answers.

“Whoa…” When the bridge of the song starts, Taeyeon does not hide her impression anymore. “That’s a difficult note to reach!”

Chanyeol disregards the conversation taking place between Junmyeon and Taeyeon and only basks in the amount of love you may have felt for the person you are singing the song for, if there was ever one.

The song finally finishes, earning applause from the other two people in the room.

“Chanyeol, this girl sounds amazing,” Taeyeon pats his back. “And I think you’ve finally found the person Kyungsoo can sing with.”

Taeyeon’s doesn’t mix well with Kyungsoo, because hers is too high for him to belt. This girl’s however, is an alto who can blend well with his adlibs.

“Hyung,” Chanyeol breathes out. Junmyeon raises a brow, wondering why his boss is suddenly silent and looking melancholic.

“What is it?” Junmyeon queries. Chanyeol had been overbearing these days, always requesting for the most ridiculous things. But his present request isn’t that much too handle.

“We have to look for this girl.”

A/N: Yo, I love Seventeen and Woozi so much! I just thought ‘hey, he’s an amazing songwriter. Why tf not? Yeah?’

And the song used in here is Fine by Taeyeon!