#i can genuinely hear Jiwon's raspy rapping over it

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Part 24: …of the uni-verse.

Masterlist

“Again. Slower and sharper.”

He adjusts his headphones and grits his teeth.

Again.

Again.

Again.

It was the fifth time Jiho wanted him to record the same verse again. There’s nothing like repetition and working with a perfectionist to take all the fun out of music. 

But he thinks about his unfinished mixtape. His career. His future. He thinks about making Hanbin proud. He thinks of buying that farm and building a house for them. But none of those things can happen unless he just gets on with this nightmare. 

And with that thought, he scrolls back up to the start of the verse and spits out the lyrics all over again, slower and sharper. 

He wasn’t sure what he thought working with Jiho would be like but it turned out better than expected. Something about being in the half-finished studio made sense, maybe because it seemed less clinical and sterile in its shabby-tech state. But most importantly, they’d both friendzoned each other so completely and thoroughly that he’s genuinely still surprised they ever thought it’d work out in the first place. 

Getting along was easy. Producing four songs out of nowhere was just about the opposite. It’d taken five whole days just to get through two of them and they only had five more to figure out the rest. 

The rest. Which he hadn’t even finished writing the lyrics for.

"What do you mean you haven’t finished it?!” Jiho asks in exasperation. “We’ve only got a week left!”

He takes his cap off to run a tired hand through his hair. It was getting too long again. He should really get it cut or something. 

“I know. It’s mostly done. I just can’t get the last verse to work.” He says dejectedly.

Jiho holds out his hand impatiently. “Let me see what you got.”

For the first time since they started working together, he feels awkward about Jiho reading his lyrics, not because he doubted his ability or vocabularly but because of the subject matter. 

But there’s nodding and a few thoughtful hums before Jiho looks up with a bemused grin.

“You wrote a fucking love song?”

He grumbles and reaches out to grab his notebook back. “You told me to write what I know! This was your idea!”

There’s a good natured laugh and slap against his arm. “Geez, relax. It’s good. I mean, yeah the ending needs work for sure but it’s good. It’s cute. Who did you write it for?”

He looks down at the words, soft and heartfelt, even in his terrible scrawly handwriting and soon to be heard in his rough voice. 

“You met him.” He says simply, as if anyone could forget meeting Hanbin.

Jiho shrugs blankly at him.

“That day at the supermarket? We were buying cereal.”

Jiho’s eyes widen when the memory finally resurfaces. “Oohhhhh. That guy? He’s still with you?”

He scowls. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, I don’t know if you noticed but he’s really hot. And you’re….I mean, you’re okay. Sort of.”

“You fell for it once, don’t forget.” He smirks.

“Yeah but I was young, stupid and vaguely blind. I got my eyes fixed since then.” 

He kicks Jiho’s ankles as they both laugh at the ridiculous conversation.

“So things are going pretty well with him huh?” Jiho leans back in his chair with a smile. “Writing raps for him now? Must be serious.”

He nods and looks down at the bare floor under his feet. “Yeah, it’s going okay. He’s….yeah…it’s good.”

It’s funny really. The way he can’t articulate how he really feels in anything but a song. He’s holding a notebook full of words about Hanbin but when asked, all he can think to say is: “it’s going okay.”

“Did he deal with the whole parental thing better than we did?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, it’s even worse. I haven’t told my parents about it. And his...well, they pretty much hate me and we haven’t even met yet.”

There’s a hand squeezing his shoulder firmly. He knows Jiho gets it. He’s been through it all before and came out the other end five years older and ten years wiser. “Shit, sorry I brought it up. At least you know he’s willing to go through this Hell for you? That’s something right?”

He shrugs. 

But Jiho is right. It is something. Because who would ever want to go through this for something they didn’t plan on keeping forever?

There a slap against his arm again, jolting him out of his thoughts. “God, you still shrug at everything. You better be more decisive about the backing tracks you picked out. I’m gonna feel so shitty if this song turns out awful. I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.”

But he’s not as decisive as he thought he’d be. They sort and argue through the endless loops and backing tracks until they’re both ready to set fire to the studio.

“No way. No more tweaking. Beethoven is already rolling in his fucking grave okay? We’re not changing it again!” Jiho says with his arms crossed. 

He listens to the instrumental in the car on the way home and can only laugh. Jiho was right. It was perfect. It’s what Hanbin sounds like: an off-kilter orchestra. Not happy but not sad. Dark but hopeful. Beautiful but dangerous. Old but new. A classic track. 

He can still hear the beats in his head as he lets himself into their apartment, immediately sighing as soon as his feet slide into the shredded Winnie slippers by the door. 

Hanbin is already pottering around their kitchen and swearing at the fridge for some reason. He never knew how comforting it was, just to hear the sounds of daily life and know that you belong them. It always calms him and feeds something deep down in his soul.

He leans against the kitchen’s door frame and silently watches Hanbin setting the table.

Hanbin’s wearing those raggedy old clothes he loves so much and he guesses that the faded t-shirt and sweats have both been through several wars and hundreds of spin cycles. But Hanbin could wear anything and still look like a million bucks. When you have that kind of face, everything else is just extraneous detail distracting you from the main event.

 “Stop staring.” Hanbin says with a shake of his head. “God, why are you such a creep?”

He pushes off the door frame and rolls his eyes. “Who said I was staring at you? I like our cutlery. I’ve been thinking about the forks all day.”

Hanbin laughs and reaches out for him. It’s the smallest of detail but it’s enough to make his heart skip a few fast beats when Hanbin kisses him softly and leans into his chest.

“Did you have a good day?”

He hugs the smaller body tighter. “Yeah, we finished two tracks.”

“Are they good?”

He laughs at Hanbin’s bluntness but he likes it, the way there’s less and less barriers and walls between them now.

“We think so?”

Hanbin kisses his cheek lightly before pushing him towards the chairs.

“Good. Sit. I’m hungry. We’re eating now.”

It’s later, when he’s doing the dishes, that he realises he doesn’t really mind the way Hanbin directs a lot their life. Where would he even be if it had never rained that day? He’d probably be working the same job for the next 10 years. Rapping would still be a weekend hobby. He’d be in the same place as always. Being directed is okay. 

Well.

He’s 90% okay with it and 10% scared.

But one of them had to be organised and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be him.

“So um, the mixtape is going alright? He’s helping you out?” Hanbin asks him when they’re settled in bed later. 

“Yeah, he is. He’s really good at what he does. Once his studio is finished, he’ll probably give the major labels a run for their money.”

“When will he have it finished?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Not for ages. It’s crazy expensive fitting out all the electronics and stuff. He thinks it’ll be at least another year”

There’s a tense silence between them and he knows Hanbin wants to ask something specifically. He’s just waiting for it.

“Would you have signed up with him? If his studio was up and running?”

He stares at their ceiling, thinking. “I might have. But….I don’t know. I don’t want to assume he’d want to work with me long term. I mean, helping with a mixtape is different to a business deal. I don’t know if I’d want to mess up our friendship like that.”

Hanbin nods.

More silence.

“Is it weird working with him? After everything that happened?”

There it is. Hanbin’s curiousity always gets the better of him.

“No, it’s not weird at all. We’re so different now. He’s good at this job but he’s still the same annoying control freak I met in college.”

“I thought you liked control freaks.”

He chuckles and leans over to kiss Hanbin’s cheek. “Only one of them. Everyone else is unbearable.”

Hanbin hums in reponse, oddly contemplative again. “It’ll be so weird.”

“What will?”

“When you’re all famous and performing everywhere. It’ll be so weird.”

His heart races a half-beat faster, knowing where this conversation is probably going to go. They’ve been down this road so many times that he can recognise it a mile away. 

“It’ll be like it is now. Just with more people knowing who Bobby is. That’s all.” He minimises things, because that’s the only way either of them will be able to deal with it. It doesn’t always work. Mainly because Hanbin knows this game all too well. 

“You don’t know that. I think everything will change.”

He sighs inwardly, hating the way uncertainty always creeps into their conversations like this.

“Yeah maybe but the important things won’t change. We’ll still be the same. I promise.”

Hanbin moves away, just slightly. “Don’t promise. I hate that word.”

He’s thinking of something else to say, to fix whatever this is before it gets worse, but Hanbin’s voice cuts through the silent darkness first.

“Sorry. I don’t know why I said that. Just….ignore it okay? It’s going to be fine. I know it. You’re going to be amazing.”

There’s a squeeze of his fingers before Hanbin rolls to the other side and tries to sleep.

He hates this too, the way they sometimes have these non-argument-arguments in bed and sleep on it. He knows Hanbin has this irrational fear that his success will change everything. And not in a good way. He knows there’s a lot of guilt too, as if Hanbin thinks he’s a bad person for even being worried about it.

He doesn’t know how to fix that yet. 

Some barriers might’ve been knocked down already but even after 6 months together he knows that Hanbin still doesn’t believe it when he tells him he won’t leave again. There’s always that cloud looming over his head and he can feel it especially strong on nights like this.

He rests his chin against Hanbin’s shoulder and pulls him closer.

“We should get a new apartment with my first rap-pay check.”

Maybe he can’t fix everything yet but he knows how to distract and divert Hanbin’s thoughts until he’s in a better mood.

“A new apartment? Where?”

“Somewhere overlooking the river? It’ll be nice.”

He slides his hand up the front of Hanbin’s t-shirt and rests his palm over the erratic heartbeat. He’s seen Hanbin do it so many times, as if the touch was enough to slow down a racing heart. Maybe it works. It’s worth a try. “And I’ll get you that dog you’re always talking about. What did you say it was? A puggle? What the hell is a puggle again?”

Hanbin’s chest laughs underneath his hand, the erratic heartbeats feel less erratic after a while. “It’s a cross between a beagle and a pug. You must think you’re gonna to be a millionaire, huh? New apartment and new dog? Seriously?”

He buries his face into Hanbin’s neck. “Yep. I’m gonna get you everything.”

“You don’t need to do that. You should get your parents something first. Something nice.” 

He somehow always knew that Hanbin would say something like that. He always knew that he chose the right one. This beautiful neurotic mess in their bed. This is who he wants to give the entire Universe to.

There’s a sigh and then a kiss across his back of his hand. “You’re gonna be so great. I know it.”

I’m great because I have you.

**** “Fuck, this really is a love song.” Jiho says in disbelief after the first pass of the track. “It’s even worse out loud.”

“Is it? It’s not that sappy is it?”

Jiho laughs through his headphones. “It’s sappy as hell. That’s why we got Beethoven’s drum beat under it to make it cool again.”

He fidgets in front of the mic. “No but is it...”

“-too much? Yes. Is it a bit cringey? Yes.”

He groans and thinks about trashing the song altogether before Jiho’s voice cuts back in.

“But it’s good, Jiwon. Honestly. We spent two hours re-tuning the backing track, you can’t throw it away now. It’s already good after the first pass, that’s always a good sign something is going right. Trust me, I know these things.”

He shrugs. If it’s Hanbin’s song, it shouldn’t just be good enough. It should be better. “I don’t know....”

“Well I do. You wrote it. You believe it. I can hear it in your rapping. So listen to me and don’t fucking change anything. One day you’re gonna think about this time in your life and you’re not gonna want the clean edited version.”

He tries it again. Then again. Then again. It takes him two days just to lay down the rap track but he’s still not happy with it. 

“I don’t like the last bit.” He says when they break for lunch. “That one verse right at the end.”

Jiho pulls his notebook across the table to read through the lyrics again. 

“You need a better closing verse. It’s like you go through all this drama but you end with a shrug. I mean, I know that’s your style but it makes the song kinda weak.”

He tries everything to rewrite it. Pages and pages of rhymes and alliteration. Synonyms. Homonyms. Metaphorical. Allegorical. Verses that would be good on any other day and on any other track except this one. 

Jiho forces him to focus on the other song instead, to take his mind off Hanbin’s Beethoven Nightmare. It barely takes an afternoon to finalise and mix the other three tracks. 

Just one left. 

He’s drained when Jiho kicks him out the studio at 7pm but after dinner and a shower, he’s back on the couch with a notebook in his lap and words just buzzing aimlessly around his head.

Hanbin shuffles from their bedroom with a yawn. “Hey? It’s midnight. Come to bed?”

He shakes his head. “I really need to finish this. It’s the last verse of the last song. I need it to be right.”

Hanbin sits down heavily next to him and drapes the blanket around them. “What’s it about?”

“Just a story….” He says cryptically.

Hanbin is so sleepy and tired that he barely asks anything. “You’re always bad at ending things. Can’t even end a phone call.”

There’s a chuckle before Hanbin lays down, head resting in his lap and blinking slowly at everything. “Just say goodnight.”

He runs his fingers through Hanbin’s hair, listening to the final sighs before Hanbin falls asleep.

Goodnight. 

Shit. 

Why didn’t he think of that?

He picks up his pen again, notebook balanced on a sleepy bony shoulder, and starts writing. His fingers are too fast, barely keeping up with the words that appear in his mind. He’s so tired and has no idea if any of this will make sense by the time the sun comes up. 

He only stops when his watch ticks over to 3am. Hanbin barely stirs as he carries him off to bed. The last thing he remembers thinking is, goodnight baby, good night.

****

“Jesus, you look like shit.” Jiho says, sliding over the large coffee. 

“Well I feel like shit.” He says, voice ragged and raw even though it was only 10am. “That one stupid verse is trying to kill me.”

“Lucky last though. Think of how good you’re gonna feel when we get all four mixed and recorded.” Jiho says. “This’ll teach you not to get cocky and tell people you only need two weeks to record.”

He groans. It’s too early for any of this but he takes a swig of warm coffee and wanders over to the mic. The notebook on the stand looks a dictionary caught up in a blender. Words everywhere. But it’s in there, that one verse he liked, it’s in there somewhere. 

He doesn’t really know how it sounds. Just closes his eyes after awhile, words memorised and waits for Jiho to tell him if it’s too fast or too slow. 

After the third pass, there’s nothing but silence. 

He opens his eyes and looks over with a questioning eyebrow. “Too slow again?”

Jiho just chuckles and shakes his head. “Nah, you idiot. It was just right. I can’t believe you ever thought you’d be a mechanic forever.”

He shrugs, blinking just to stay awake so Jiho sends him home. “Go sleep it off. And don’t call me until I finish mixing this thing.”

He wants to protest, wants to hear his playback to make sure it’s perfect but he’s too tired to argue now. 

As soon as he’s home, he crashes face down on their couch, only waking up slowly when he can feel a warm hand rubbing circles into his back. 

“Hey.”

“Hey....I fell asleep.” 

“Yeah. You hungry? I got food on the way home.”

He’s setting the table as Hanbin goes to change out of his work clothes but his hand pauses over the lids of the hot take-away containers. Is Hanbin paying for everything? They never even talked about this arrangement. They never talked about how he was essentially unemployed and was just going through his life savings. Maybe he should’ve asked Hanbin if this was okay? Jesus, why was he only thinking about this right now?

“JIWON, YOUR PHONE IS RINGING. IT’S JIHO. WANT ME TO PICK IT UP?” 

“YEAH.”

He’s still so disorientated that he doesn’t even bother going into the bedroom to take the rest of the call. Hanbin can deal with it, whatever it is.

But Hanbin comes running out moments later with a big grin on his face. “He’s coming over. It’s finished.”

He sets down their plates carefully, not sure if he heard that right. “He what? Coming over where? Here?”

“Yeah.” 

“How can he finish it? I just did the rap this morning.”

Hanbin gives him an amused look. “That was like 8 hours ago.”

Then it hits him. And he looks at Hanbin in horror. “Oh my god. He finished it.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They don’t eat, he’s too nervous. By the time there’s a knock on their door, he’s ready to jump out of his skin. 

“HOW THE HELL DID YOU FINISH IT ALREADY.” He half-yells as he pulls Jiho into a quick hug. "Where is it?!” 

A plain white CD is pulled out of a bag and placed into his hands. He just stares at it. 

His first official mixtape. 

It looked so...unassuming. 

Jiho punches him lightly on the arm. “Loser, stop staring at it. It doesn’t even have artwork. Anyway, I can’t stay. I need to go pick up my dad for dinner. Listen to it though, tell me what you think.”

He watches as Hanbin comes out to thank Jiho at least three times for coming over and helping them with the recording. He chimes in to be polite but as soon as the door clicks shut he’s already opening the CD with all the patience of a 5 year old. 

Just before his finger hits the ‘play’ button on their sound system, he turns to look over his shoulder at Hanbin sitting on their couch. There will be critics, lots of them, but all he cares about right now is making this one person proud of him. It makes him more nervous that he expected. 

“Okay, just keep in mind that I only had two weeks to do this. So it’s not the greatest thing in the history of music.”

“Okay.” Hanbin nods.

“And I could probably do a better job if I had all the time and money in the World.”

“Okay.” 

“And you should also know that-”

Hanbin walks over, kisses his mouth shut and presses down on the ‘play’ button. “It’s going to be fine.”

He’ll never forget it. The way his heart freezes then beats in time with the first bass line that thumps through the speakers. It was real. This was his mixtape. How did he even pull this off? How did Jiho even mix this so quickly? How did any of this happen? 

He’s half-listening and half-watching Hanbin’s face but at the same time, his mind is far away, in some other realm of disbelief. 

“Is that really you? Oh my god. OH MY GOD. You sound insane.” Hanbin says in hushed tones before turning to look at him. “I can’t believe you have a proper mixtape.”

“I can’t believe I have one either.” He replies, definitely feeling like he’s having some kind of out of body experience. 

The first three tracks were things Hanbin had heard before, longer versions of cyphers he’d performed at various mic nights. But the last one was definitely new. It was the Beethoven Rap. The Goodnight Sonata. That Nightmare Oneverse. He wants to hit pause and say something but Hanbin’s hand is gripping his leg painfully so he just lets it play without any kind of introduction. 

No direction for the wicked, no prizes for the tame, everyday turns out to be just the same, just the same

But Winter came with this apple rain, found you through opened doors and window panes

Dragged me into this winner’s game with plans for change, I’m sorry I was just a fool with messy aim

But it’s not for the fame. Bobby’s just another name. Jiwon’s still the same. 

So bring me all your pain. I bleed tiger ink for you, no maths can explain.

But there’s no more lost sights now, only bright lights, skin bites and fist fights on my mic nights now

But it’s all good, right

Coz you’re my goodnight, right

So goodnight, baby, goodnight

When it’s over Hanbin’s hands are shaking slightly. He’s staring at the floor with million thoughts in his head.

“It’s so good Jiwon.” Hanbin says quietly. “It’s so good.”

"Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Hanbin stands up abruptly and holds out his hand. 

He stares at it, confused. “Um...what...”

Hanbin doesn’t wait or explain, just reaches down to grab the front of his t-shirt and drag him towards their bedroom. 

“Seriously?” He says, trying to keep the arrogant smugness out of this voice. “That easy huh?”

Hanbin glares at him as he throws his t-shirt on the ground. “Shut up.”

He’s going to have to send Jiho the world’s biggest cookie basket for this. 

****

Soundtrack: YGGR | Bounce | GO | Moonlight Remix