#i can feel my chronic pain writhers and tightens against my bones. it stings like a poision.....
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Vent
#why am i punching bag for my dad and sister?#hes not abusive obviously but when the pressure is getting to him he picks on me......#i feel so worthless like a used sponge#if he wasnt forced to sit next to me i would be cry9ng qnd cuttibg#hes showing me his dumb stupid AI memes as though im supposed to be his good lil audience member and give him a laugh#when i show him stuff he always disagrees with it or makes fun of it.....#if i do what he does suddenly im horrible#i hate my existence#im just an audience member/energy bank for everybody#i can feel my chronic pain writhers and tightens against my bones. it stings like a poision.....#i just wish people werent so mean to me........why cant people treat me at least the same way i treat them?#constantly doing so much more cus its natural. then im surprised when im dehydrated of energy.....#he just told me not to raise my voice when all i did was calmly explain i dont feel like arguing......#im CONSTANTLY the bad guy#i get mad at my family sometimes but i never directly lash out at them the way they do to me........#i spend nights sleepless trying to figure out the perfect way to explain myself only for it not to work or get shot down or something bad#speaking and stepping outside of my mind gets me nothing but punishment.....#my family is devoid of emotional thinking and thats the only way i can think#.....its really cold tonight. my dad rearranged the living room swearing it would be warmer......im now SO much colder#it doesnt help that hes a trump voter and just....doesnt care about any of that stuff so i have no one to comfort me in my anxieties#it just feels like im trying to fit in the wodden shape box but i belong to a completely different toy..ill never join those pieces that fit#thats how i feel about life#i keep TRYING to get my life going and be happy#but i dont think im meant for this world....i wish it was easy to end it#im fighting tears cus ny dad will just get mad.....hes such a fucking ogre.#i would rather him never buy me another thing again AND BE NICE#ive said that before and he just blew me off lmao#i keep having dreams that im going to Hell :(#i just want the pain to stop :(
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