#i can easily blame my work schedule not getting me home until midnights on most nights

[niicevibe]

This is the first time I’m going to bed earlier than 4am in over three months.

AND

It’s not even 11 yet. I really am very proud of myself.

[swellwriting]

LOVER 5/18

- THE ARCHER -

Bucky x Reader/ The Winter Soldier x Reader

Summary: A “therapy” session with Bruce and Wanda gets cuts short when a portal opens up above New York bringing in a bunch of aliens from an alternate universe. Even with all the Avengers there they could use a little more help, but Spring is so emotionally distraught she can’t possibly help or follow any of their orders, she can’t gather a collective thought. Will Bucky be able to say the words that make her comply?

A/n: A chapter that fully takes place in their present?? More likely than you thought.

Warning: Violent themes? Brainwashing.

Word Count: 3.2k        Part Four    Series Masterlist   Part Six

Today is a new day, yet it feels the same as ever. You’re standing in your room in the medical ward of the Avengers Tower. They gave you a new medical gown, one not covered in blood from when you so gracefully removed your handcuffs but just as ugly, pale white with blue details and the thinnest cotton ever made. You have bandages on your wrists and inner arm even though they don’t serve much purpose because the cuts have faded to scars already, you just don't care enough to remove them.

You’re standing in front of the two way mirror staring at your reflection when Bruce and Wanda come into your room. After the last session, they decided they should work together, they have different skills, Wanda has her powers and Bruce Banner has 7 PhDs. One of those in psychology so he adds onto the element of therapy that these sessions hold.

“We might have to cut this short, Tony just took an emergency call from Doctor Strange so we are basically “On-call” for anything that might happen, but until then we are all yours,” Wanda says as she sits down, Bruce sits beside her, a note pad in his hands. They are sat in two wooden chairs near the end of your bed, they expect you to sit down but you don’t. 

It has been a while since Bruce has played this role, he feels rusty and unsure of himself so he wrote down a bunch of questions from one of his Psychology books to ask you to get started. Before he can though, Wanda cuts in, “If we asked you to help us and fight with us, would you say yes?”

You turn and face her, you had told her the other day in conversation that you were tired of fighting, that you wished you could avoid it but you found yourself in another situation where you might be needed to do so, with the Avengers, whether they decided to keep you or not.

“I said I didn’t want that-,” you say and then pause, looking at your own reflection still like the answer is written in the glass. Then you turn to her, “- but what if I do?” You have this look on your face that scares Wanda almost as much as you scare yourself, a look that’s unnerving as if you don't trust yourself.

“What do you mean by that?” Bruce asks.

“I told Wanda I don't want to fight anymore, but I’m scared that deep down there is a want to, a need to. I’m constantly searching for this dark side within me, this other person, the bad parts as if they are separate like they aren’t truly me. But what if what I am is all right here. What if I’m not like Winter or Bucky, what if I’m not spilt into a past self, a Hydra soldier and the real me, what if it’s all one jumbled mess. How do I find myself then, how do I trust myself? How do I know who I am or what I want?” You ask and the room is silent, they have nothing to offer you in that regard.

“Well, what do you see when you look in that mirror?” Bruce asks, nervous about who is stood on the other side watching you. It’s Steve, Sam, Nat and Bucky. Tony is stood in the hallway on the phone but they are too busy starring at you to eavesdrop on Tony, listening intently to your “private” therapy session. 

Bucky for the first time relates to you, and unbeknownst to him it’s exactly like the first time he ever saw you, he understands exactly how you feel, and he shouldn’t feel sorry for you but he does, he can’t help but see himself in you, just as he did before.

“I hate my reflection, I’ve hated it for years and years, I look in the mirror and I see what they made me, there’s nothing else there, I feel empty, like glass, see-through.” You admit trying to describe your feelings with words.

You shouldn’t hold any thoughts back so you continue when Bruce is lost for words, “I can’t bear to look at myself, I see myself in the eyes of everyone I’ve ever killed, I see my reflection in the eyes of the man I loved who doesn’t even know me anymore. Sometimes I see right through myself and I wonder if I’m even real, everyone else sees right through me too, I feel it.” The sadness in your voice hurts Bucky, he still doesn’t remember you but this is much different than your other interactions, you are calm and you don't know he is there and that makes him feel safer somehow.

“You referred to love in the past tense, loved, do you not still feel love towards him?”

“I don’t know what I feel, I think I still love him but I also feel like I don't know him, I feel as if I don't know myself enough to be sure of my own feelings, it’s confusing. Before I was so sure he would never leave me, but now I wonder if he could ever stay.” And it makes Bucky feel guilty for leaving you, even if he doesn't remember doing so. He wonders for a moment what would have made him leave, it makes him think you are lying even more somehow. If he was so happy, so in love, what could have possibly made him leave without you, how could he possibly forget you completely. 

“What’s the end goal of this, what would you most like the outcome of these sessions to be?”

“I want everyone here to stop looking at me like they hate me. I don't really want love or to be loved by him, but I want him to remember me so I can stop feeling like I’m crazy, so I can have a semblance of understanding as to what’s real and what’s not,” you finish and Bruce writes down some notes. 

“We don't hate you,” Wanda interjects, a hint of hurt in her voice.

“That’s what it feels like to me, the way Tony doesn't even think of me as a person, the way everyone blames me for things I haven’t done, the way I’m standing here in this room in a hospital gown instead of real clothes, the way I have scars on my wrists from the handcuffs. No, I don't feel as if you hate me, but I don't feel like anyone here really likes me either. You two, Nat and Clint, you aren't mean to me at all, but you have this pity in your eyes and not to be rude or anything, but I can’t stand it.”

“Ready to prove yourself then?” Tony asks as he walks in the room, the group who were standing behind the mirror in the next room aren’t sure when he left the hallway, they were so distracted by your confessions.

“I don't need to prove myself to you,” you say with a grimace as he throws a bag at your feet.

“I mean, you sort of do, think of it as a tryout. You wanna be on the team don't you?” He mocks you with his tone, belittles you, you don't like him. The bag at your feet has your clothes neatly folded inside, your guns, your knives.

“In about 7 minutes a portal is going to open above New York, interdimensional and all that, some nasty aliens are going to use it as a door, they aren't strong but we will be outnumbered, we could use an extra hand,” Tony explains.

You twirl your knife in your hands, it feels good, the balance of the blade is familiar, it brings a smile to your face, you have no possessions, no home, this knife though has been with you since Winter first gave it to you.

“I want to help, I’d like to be on the team, to belong somewhere, to serve a purpose but I’m afraid I’ll be of no help. My mind isn’t as clear as it should be, I won’t be able to focus and I won’t be able to follow orders. The poison and all these drugs have all fucked me up.” You say standing back up and looking at Tony with the most serious expression you can, “You need a soldier, and I’m anything but that right now.”

“We understand-” Wanda says trying to make you understand that she doesn't just pity you, she feels bad that she hasn’t been warmer towards you, friendlier. Tony interrupts her shushing her with a finger.

“I think I get where you’re going with this, you have passwords just like The Winter Soldier did?”

“Not so much “passwords”, the keywords tick something in my brain, they make me pliable, I will follow orders, it turns my emotions off. It’s a brainwashing technique. Mine works a bit differently than Winters, I’m still myself, just without feelings, no doubts, no moral compass to follow just orders and actions.”

“How long does that last?” Wanda asks, concerned about what you are suggesting they do to you.

“Less than a day, I was harder to control than Winter was, being I wasn’t a soldier beforehand, well actually I don't know what I was before but still, if I focus hard enough I can regain control.”

“Tell me the words then,” Tony says easily, accepting that this is what must be done so you write them down on Bruce’s notepad and hand them to him.

He says the words, “Solace, Broken, Fire, Midnight, Ninety, Molded, Nine, Far From, Two, Blackhole,” the room is quiet and everyone waits for something to happen, but nothing does.

“It didn’t work,” you say confused.

“Is there an I forgot my password button?” Tony asks looking at his watch, they are running out of time and he thinks you aren't worth all this trouble. If the others weren’t so intrigued by this interaction they would have gone and suited up already.

“No, I don't know why it isn’t working, I-”

“Maybe Bucky should say them,” Nat says as she enters the room, Steve, Bucky and Sam close behind her, you had a feeling they were watching.

“It might work,” you suggest with a shrug and Tony pushes Bucky to stand in front of you, he is sheepish, staring at the ground avoiding your face.

“We are on a tight schedule here!” Tony complains and Bucky looks up at you, right into your eyes and after a brief pause, a deep breath, he says the words slowly but forcefully, you stare right back at him and it sends chills up your spine. The room is silent, you feel your eyes close tight, all you see is white light for a moment, you close your fists tight and everyone in the room holds their breath.

You look back up at him. A dangerous glint to your eyes, you take deep laboured breaths. “Ready for combat. Ready to comply,” you say so monotonously it gives Wanda chills.

“Uhm, yeah. You are to take orders from Stark, soldier,” he gestures awkwardly to Tony who steps in front of him, Tony turns to the group and gestures out the door.

“We have five minutes go suit up!” He shouts and you grab your pants from the bag pull them up under you gown, you clip your belt on and Tony stares at the notepad in awe. When he looks back up you are wearing just a black bra as you look for your shirt. You grab your jacket and different holsters as you load your weapons, tie your boots and pull your hair back as well as you can with the rubber band you took that was attached to the clipboard.

“Ready for combat. Ready to comply.” You repeat expectantly at him.

“Yeah, you said that part already,” Tony says and he smiles at you before turning to Bruce who was the only one awkwardly left in the room. “I didn’t give him the paper?”

Bruce has a look of dawned realization on his face, your expression remains blank, mindless.

“He said the words perfectly, after only hearing them aloud once.”

“Maybe he-” Bruce tries to explain somehow but Tony holds up a finger.

“Maybe he’s done that before, muscle memory, maybe Spring here is more honest than we thought,” he smiles, oh he liked you before, sure he tested you and pushed you, but he liked you, and he was glad to learn this new information.

“Follow the others, kill the aliens, don't harm any innocents or team members,” he says with a  shrug and you walk out the door, mission in your eyes and purpose in your stomp, you click and cock your gun and Tony smiles like he just discovered a new feature on his favourite toy.

“Neat.”

-

Aliens are everywhere, they are grey and gold in colour, slimy and rough, tough skin and tougher weapons. The downtown area is successfully evacuated, all the buildings are still standing and all that has to be done now is wipe out the last 100 or so aliens that remain, easy.

Your mind is clear, you want one thing, to follow orders, get the job done, to succeed. You wish your mind could be this clear always. This is different to how it had felt in the past, whenever Hydra forced the words upon you it had been in situations where you wouldn't comply. When they wanted you to kill someone who didn’t deserve it, cross lines that you had managed to make in your mind. It wasn’t as suffocating knowing you were doing a good thing, the Avengers were the good side, you were being good, so it made it easy to comply with the orders your brain was telling you to follow, no inner conflict.

An alien knocks your knife out of your hand cutting your palm in the process. That pissed you off, you jump on them, pinning it and choking it, squeezing as hard as you can, you watch as its blue eyes go red and begin to roll into the back if its misshapen skull. 

It feels good to kill, and that scares you for a moment before your emotions are wiped away again, focus, kill, focus, orders, focus, comply. You’re about to get up when a dead alien body falls right beside you startling you, it had a loaded gun, finger on the blaster rifle trigger, it came so close to shooting you because your anger had overpowered you and you let your defences down for the satisfaction of killing with your bare hands.

The alien has an arrow through their eyeball, you look up and Cint is standing there, offering you a hand.

“Felt like I owed you one,” he says with a half-smile and you don't take his hand, stand up, give him a bit of a nod before you grab your knife and the dead alien’s blaster rifle.

You would thank him later when nice words came easier to your free mind.

You turn the corner and two aliens approach you, block your shots, they attack you from both sides. 

Bucky is across the street from you, he had just taken out an alien himself and he goes to help you but he stops himself, a mix of fascination in your skill and being too scared to approach you kept him rooted to the sidewalk that was covered in orange blood.

You twirl and duck, hit their shields with the end of the gun and then shoot behind you, it’s quick, calculated, you elbow and kick with force and he sees his own techniques in you, the way you hold a gun, the way you punch and move, he sees himself in you and that scares him more.

He’s frozen with the fear and this confusion he hasn’t stopped feeling ever since you showed up, which he hates to admit but it makes him resent you, even if it isn’t exactly your fault.

You feel someone’s eyes on you as you kick the last alien to the ground you look across to street and lock eyes with him, he’s already watching you. Two aliens come up behind him, not noticing you across the street, your instincts kick in to protect him and the orders you are given kick in too so you yell, “DUCK!” Which takes a moment to register in his brain before his body lets him move.

You shoot them with expert precision from across the wide street, especially with a gun that isn’t meant to be used as a sniper. He stands back up and looks beside him, the bullet placement, the distance. He thinks for a moment that you must have been trained by a really good sniper, and for a moment he has this flashback, it’s quick, it flashes through his mind, you holding a sniper, he sees from his own point of view that he’s behind you, hands over your hands holding the gun. He blinks and it’s gone, but it startles him to his core.

Yeah, you were trained by a good sniper, you were trained by him.

The team starts to gather around you, the aliens are all dead, the cleanup crew has been called, it’s time to go home, which is subjective.

“Good job team,” Tony says, a bit of forced optimism since everyone is grumpy and exhausted, “drinks on me tonight.”

Drinks? What the hell does that mean? You think inside your head, words not permitting themselves to leave your lips. Tony walks over to you pats you on the shoulder and then retracts his hand, orange gooey blood strings from your shoulder to his iron hand. “I think you earned yourself an invitation,” he teases and your brain is spinning, trying to speak, regain control, you blink a few times but it doesn't work, you just nod.

Wanda walks up beside you, links her arm with yours and guides you back up the tower, she rambles on and on about whatever plans there are for tonight, it distracts you, it really helps you start to regain control.

“I am going to have a nap,” you say and you don't mean for it to sound so flat and robotic-like.

“Okay, I’ll wake you up in a bit to get ready?” She asks all hopeful and you just nod, you wish you could express the excitement that your mind was restricting, but your body pushed and pushed, and by the time you walked back to your room you had this smile on your face that you just couldn’t wipe away.

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Part 6

[bananashemmo]

Even At Midnight

Pairing: Y/N/Gang!Ashton

Rating: NC-All

Request: No

Words: 3.000+

Summary: After traumatic experiences with another shooting from Walker’s gang, Ashton and Luke’s little sister Y/N settle down late at night at an old motel. With old sayings; some people are meant to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together.

Wheels spinning against the slippy road caused the problem of confusing directions. It was only with the hard lights on and a tight grip of the steering wheel Ashton managed to control the red mustang.

Loud thunderclaps were echoed in the background. You knew the sounds were only heightened because of the close waterfall and the shadows of the mountains.

You couldn’t help but sigh with your head pressed against the cold window. At first, you had gushed over the rain running down the glass but you had grown used to it.

The weather couldn’t get at thick as the tension between you.

He had been sighing, making random noises and moving his hands from the steering wheel to the gear and back. Even when he wasn’t supposed to switch or change anything.

You had been staring at the road literally just waiting for it to end. It felt as if you could continue for days without getting any further into where you were going.

It was like there was no destination at all.

You looked down at your knee to see what was causing the pulsing pain. It was quite obvious from the large cut that had torn your jeans apart right by the knees but you hadn’t noticed it until looking down.

Blood was leaking from the cut wound, not something major but it could still sting like a true bitch.

The moments before it happening was rushed through. You heard the loud bangs, you heard the triggers of a gun and it was just about to run.

You never believed you were able to run that fast. P.E had never been your thing in high school and college it was totally not included in any of your schedules. You were mostly closed inside.

If it wasn’t for Ashton reacting fast, you would still have been staying on the ground.

It was with a short knockout your face connected with the wet and grey asphalt. It was cold and gross just like you had imagined but you just couldn’t believe you would need to touch it.

Things happened so fast you didn’t even get the chance to get up before Ashton had his arms under yours and quickly pulling you up from the ground. It wasn’t until you were sat in the car and Ashton pressed the speeder to get away from Walker you were able to breathe.

But things didn’t turn better. You were lost on the roads and couldn’t just pull to the side because you had no idea who was following you.

Even at midnight.

The fans were on from the car for two reasons. One, to make sure you weren’t cold because of the shaking weather outside and two because your clothes were completely drowned in water.

You had tried to collect your wet hair into a bun but it was no use. It was everywhere to the point where you didn’t even want to remove it from irritating your eyes.

You were cold, you were hungry and all you wanted was to get back safe where you didn’t need to worry.

But Luke always had to make the decisions and stating you were most safe with Ashton meant you had no arguments for getting home for tonight. And definitely not with Ashton’s lack of sense of locality.

You were doomed, to begin with.

“Is it still bleeding?”

The question from Ashton almost startled you. So many minutes had passed in silence you had almost forgotten his presence next to you in his car.

“W.- What?” You didn’t know if you were stammering because you were still cold or because you were feeling your pulse rise by the small shock.

“Your knee.” He nodded his head towards your bleeding leg, “You knocked it pretty hard when you fell to the ground. I know I didn’t get the chance to look at it before or comment on it but now I see.”

You watched he spoke and his eyes fell back onto the road.

You looked down at your knee and shrugged your shoulder, expecting for him to read body language from the corner of his eye.

“It’s okay... It doesn’t really hurt anymore only when I stretch it.” You decided to answer anyway, not wanting to sound as brave as you actually weren’t.

There was no need of playing brave because he knew well enough how scared you were inside.

“It was wrong of me to bring you there.”

You didn’t expect him to say the words and you looked up at him with locks of wet hair still in front of your eyes.

“My job is to avoid you the danger but I placed you right in a lion field. It wasn’t my intentions I just couldn’t leave you at home. It would be the most obvious thing for Walker to realize once all the four of us were together.”

You could tell by the way he was clenching his jaw that he was sincerely angry at himself. Forgiving someone else is almost harder than to forgive an unfaithful person.

“Ashton I-,”

“No Y/N. I don’t need the gentle words.” He didn’t want to sound mad but he still managed to startle you, “I can’t make up for my mistakes by saying it’s okay.”

You decided not to answer. When he was being like this it was no use. He so easily self-blamed and you didn’t want to come between him and his thoughts.

You wrapped your arms closer around your body and looked down at the floor where your feet were being swallowed by the black darkness.

“We're almost there.” It was minutes later Ashton changed the subject and with his pointing finger directed towards the small looking motel that was right ahead of you.

Old fashioned, pretty much looking like a diner with the neon pink lights and a largely pointed finger towards the small wooden building.

Your eyes widened half, not believing this was where you were going to stay for the night.

But better than staying in the car without much feel of true heat.

You almost couldn’t catch up with him once he was out of the car. It was still raining like crazy and even though you were completely drowned that and it couldn’t get any worse you still didn’t want to be colder than already.

Ashton didn’t seem to mind by the rain, he had an emotionless expression on his face but still decided to use his black denim jacket to cover the both of you from the stormy rain.

The door cracked loudly when Ashton opened it and a small bell from above ringed to announce your presence.

It was prettier inside than outside, you had to admit.

A woman was sitting behind the counter and chewing gum so loudly you could hear it on the other side of the waterfall. Her hair was in a loose ponytail that hid her commune colored hair and with her facial features, she was younger than you.

She was probably being forced by her parents to work on the spare side of her high school life.

You weren’t actually the only ones at the place, some were sitting in front of a fireplace even though it was late at night and others were walking around being checked into their rooms by others.

The place was mostly for people just needing a night of sleep and getting back in the car again to drive.

Ashton looked around trying to figure out what to do, he didn’t have much money in his hands but still decided to go with it.

“Stay here while I fix us a room.”

You stood next to a plant not really knowing what to do. At any other moment, you would have been embarrassed to look this awkward and you could tell people were staring at your nipples peeking through the lazy bra.

It was just too cold to keep yourself warm.

Ashton was hovering over the desk with almost an angry expression on his face.

He was clearly disagreeing about something the girl behind the desk was explaining to him. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to walk up to him or not. You didn’t want to interrupt something if he was about to snap at her.

He wasn’t speaking loudly but his jaw was clenched and he was folding his fingers while he leaned his arms on the desk. They were having a disagreement for sure.

You sat against the plant waiting for a while but when they didn’t get to a solution you decided to walk up and hear what in the world was going on.

“So what you’re saying is you don’t have any single rooms that are free for tonight?” Ashton couldn’t believe his ears, now you knew what they were discussing.

“Because this place looks like a hole.”

“I assure you we don’t have any double bedrooms for tonight. The only thing I can serve for you is a single bedroom with one bed and bath.”

Ashton looked down at you by your presence and without hesitation, you just nodded your head. There was no need to just stand there you just needed to get fully inside.

Even if it was only for one bed, you could sleep on the floor perhaps.

“We’ll take it,” Ashton said through gritted teeth and threw the money on the table.

The girl seemed satisfied with the conversation ending and typed things into her computer. Ashton waited quietly as she found the key to your room and explained which stairs you were supposed to take.

In silence, you walked down the creepy halls towards the stairs that lead upstairs.

You didn’t know what to say, both because you were so insanely tired but also because you just wanted a break. A break from everything that was going on around you.

“It’s here,” Ashton mentioned and stopped in front of the room 745.

You stopped mid-track and watched him open the door, the instant smell of dishwater hitting your nostrils but it was okay. It meant that at least the room was clean.

The room was not as small as you expected but it still only included one bed. The windows were covered by the curtains and if you moved them away you were lead to the motorway noising in the background.

“It’s okay,” Ashton mentioned, his attitude changing and removed his wet denim jacket.

“It’s better than nothing.” You sighed and tried again to collect your hair into a bun.

None of you knew what to say but you could feel that the emotions were ready to kick now that reality had hit.

You still stood by the door not knowing what to do but Ashton had taken a seat on the bed. Just by the lack of bounce you knew it was hard like a brick wall.

Ashton looked at you with a frown, scanning your face.

“Baby...” He commented softly, noticing your sadness.

“Nothing’s going to hurt you. I promise you that.”

You blinked twice to get the tears away and looked up at him as he approached you.

“I promise you.” Despite the cold weather, his hand was still burning warm when he comfortably placed it on your cheek to caress it.

“What about Luke?” You asked, not wanting to sound nervous but you were.

“I’ll give him a call right now. Go check if the bathroom’s alright.”

You nodded your head and watched him fish his phone out of his pocket before walking into the bathroom.

It was a nice actually, a lot fancier than the rest of the place. It was most probably newly renovated to make sure that there wasn’t mold or something.

“It looks fine.” You mentioned once you came out of the bathroom and watched Ashton with a finger in front of his mouth.

“At least you’re safe. We managed to get to your apartment when Calum decided to crash into Michael.” You recognized Luke’s voice on the other end of the phone where Ashton was speaking.

“I didn’t crash into him the idiot could have just looked over his shoulder when suddenly turning.” You heard Calum defend himself over the phone and you almost wanted to roll your eyes.

“Yeah... I’m stuck with that for the night.... Just promise me that’s she’s safe.” You heard Luke again and nodded your head just to yourself. You were okay.

“We’re both startled but perfectly fine. This place is a hole but it’s okay to sleep here. I think Walker and the gang decided to follow you so they don’t suspect us to be here.” Ashton explained and ran a hand through his hair.

“Yes, I assume as well. They don’t dare to walk inside,” Luke commented with a chuckle, “Oh and you also got a room with two single beds right?”

Both yours and Ashton’s eyes widened in surprise and Ashton stammered a few silent words before settling with;

“Gotta blast.”

Of course, it was suspicious to just hang up the phone like that but Ashton didn’t know what else to do.

You couldn’t help but laugh just a little bit and a smile was forming in the corner of Ashton’s lips.

“What a way to handle the situation.” You mumbled but regardless smiled at him.

He shrugged his shoulder and walked past you to walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Just by the sound of it you almost wanted to close your eyes because you honestly couldn’t wait for the warmth.

“Enough place for two.” Ashton was careful when he mentioned it and you nodded your head in agreement.

Stripping down to your underwear you were the first one to walk in, instantly feeling goosebumps form on your cold body by the warm water connecting.

You silently closed your eyes and waited for Ashton to walk inside as well, his chest pressed against your back.

He was looking down at your underwear with a raised eyebrow and you carefully looked up at him.

“It was wet anyway...” You shrugged, not wanting to get into a further explanation.

He nodded his head by your excuse and leaned his arm up to move the head of the shower higher.

One of the disadvantages of being tall. You never knew where you would need to bend your knees.

The bathroom looked pretty dark because of the brown, Black and grey colours of both walls, floor, and furniture but the strong small lights graved into the ceiling helped a lot. Everything was marble so it also had its bit of shine.

Ashton leaned his head back and let the water go through his curls.

You could just imagine what kind of pleasure he was going through.

You stood for a full minute in silence. Just letting the water fill out the usual sounds while he ran his fingers through his hair.

You weren’t supposed to look at him for so long but you couldn’t help it.

No matter how many times you tried to look away your eyes drifted back to his toned chest right in front of you.

“You’re still freezing.”

You looked up at his statement and afterward down at your body.

You still had goosebumps all over your body. It wasn't something you had control of but the warm water still hadn’t adjusted to your body temperature it felt like it was stinging and burning.

“It will be better soon.” You pouted your upper lip and shrugged.

A rush ran through your veins when he wrapped his arms around your body. All his hair on his body had turned into a dark brown just like his hair had.

You were about to say that it was okay and he didn't need to do the gesture but once he had you in his arms you didn't want him to let go again.

You leaned your hair against his chest and ignored the water that was running right down your face.

You could see droplets of water hanging onto your eyelashes.

A sigh came from him and you looked up for his attention.

He was looking down at you already but with a thoughtful look on his face, his lips between his teeth.

You wanted to stand on your toes he could tell. The way you were standing so carefully looking up at him screamed for words.

With one arm still wrapped around your waist, he used the other through his hair again.

You didn't need to tell him what you wanted because he could already tell.

“You should know that if we start kissing… If I start to kiss you…” His voice lowered word by word, his thumb coming up to touch your wet bottom lip.

“I’m afraid that you won’t be able to stop me.”

You felt the shivers fall past your spine by his whispers, no matter how hot the water was it couldn’t compare to how you were feeling. Your chest was heaving up and down faster than ever.

He moved his thumb away from your lips to caress your cheekbone, removing a few droplets of water from the corner of your eye.

“I don’t think you understand exactly how much I want your lips.”

It was the last thing he said before you leaned on your toes to grasp into his wet curly locks and pressed him against the cold steamed bathroom tiles.

The kiss was in nowhere the category of a peck, it held all the feelings and emotions you had been keeping from each other for all this time until they were finally released.

His grip around your waist was secure, yet also passionate. His biceps were tensing by the position and with the water dripping down from his body you were left breathless by the lightest touch.

It was with a quick flip he had you in reversed positions, your back forced against the wall but the pain was a tease. He was out of breath you could tell by the way his chest was heaving up and down.

But fuck breathing. He could kiss you for three hours without the slightest seconds of a breath.

[sunshinykittens-blog]

Not Enough Alcohol in NYC...

Saturday, November 25 the wee hours of the morning. I think.

I would love to go to sleep right now, God knows I have been through enough chaos the past 72 hours to qualify for hazard pay, or at least PTSD treatment. The flights, the usual holiday family drama (not EVEN my family), an empty apartment, snotting all over some Tower residents, new digs…but I probably should start from the beginning…

Wednesday

When last we left our intrepid adventurer (that would be me), it was in an airport, JFK to be exact. I was waiting, along with Sunny and the 3 younger kids, for our flight out to Pasco (via Seattle) to spend the Thanksgiving weekend with her mom and oldest child. My kids weren’t going to be at my family gathering, so no sense in going home, especially since I’m spending an entire week home for Christmas. Besides, Sunny’s mom has been going through some health issues, and I haven’t seen her in forever. Sunny made all the flight arrangements, all I was supposed to do was pack my bag and be ready to go. So something I didn’t know about her before this day, seeing as I had never flown with her before: Sunny is paranoid about missing flights. I realize that this is one of the busiest days for traveling, and that means all the lines for everything would be extra long, but I am still not sure why we had to leave the apartment at 6 am for a 1:30 pm flight. Maybe she thought we’d get caught up in the parade traffic. But since The Man arranged for a car to take us to the airport (and pick us up upon our return Sunday afternoon), we didn’t have to worry about getting a cab or riding the subway (Sunny’s great idea). So yeah, I am grateful to The Man for the car. Amazingly, we checked bags and got through the security lines very quickly. We were through to the gate section of the airport by 10. Even though one of us was chosen for the random search (guess who that was). Luckily I didn’t have any contraband to speak of, so that was pretty smooth, except for them telling me I needed to get my driver’s license updated to my new address when I get back. Yet another thing for me to have to squeeze in before Christmas. Sunny suggested we grab some coffee and lunch while we waited for our plane. Over this meal is when she told me we had another 3 hours before we were scheduled to board. That’s when I made my last post. (BTW, the girl child is an extremely talented artist, I’ll have to post some of her work sometime soon. Oh, and Sunny did manage to catch the loose cannon. When last I saw, all the kids were still alive.)

I will say this, at least Sunny got us first class seats for our flights (yes, I said flights). It was nice, but we were kind of spread out a bit. Which is nothing compared to the connecting flight in Chicago, which was delayed over an hour for mechanical problems, and we got bumped to another plane, and everyone was pretty scattered then. For our final leg from Salt Lake, though, we were in one cluster of seats, thanks to the airline folks feeling bad for us having missed that connecting flight. After they saw how frazzled she was with the middle child, who kept wandering off. But we arrived safely at our destination airport only about 2 hours later than scheduled. Oh yes, and every time we hit an airport with wifi, Sunny would get a gazillion messages from the oldest child asking why we weren’t there. I felt bad for Sunny, so I admit I bought her a drink in Chicago and Salt Lake. And then I paid for a taxi van to drive us from the airport to her mom’s house so we wouldn’t have to wait for a shuttle.

Didn’t take long for the drama to start when we got there, though. There was only one bed in the house, and that belonged to Sunny’s Mom. The oldest hadn’t even put her bed together, so we were all sleeping on the floor. I haven’t done that in I don’t know how long. Mom started in on how worried she’d been and why were we late, and then blaming Sunny for not getting there any sooner (like we can just hijack the plane or something). But like I said before, Mom had recently had some health problems, so I just tried to overlook it and be there to support Sunny. She was going to need it. Then we all stayed up way too late (with far too little alcohol), and finally got to bed at some point after midnight. I whispered to Sunny as we were drifting off that had I known we were going to sleep on the floor, I’d have rented a car and got a hotel room. Or at least rented some rollaway beds.

Thursday, Thanksgiving

Well, this day started entirely too early for a regular day, much less a holiday, even with the extra time we got for being 3 hours later than home time. Mom had said she needed help cooking, and we were fine with that. But she needed to oversee everything and everyone, assuming we had never entered a kitchen before in our lives. By the way, who in their right mind puts an egg into their literal Stovetop Stuffing? Menu was pretty good, very standard: ham (instead of turkey, which was fine with me), stuffing, green bean casserole, sweet potato soufflé, rolls, and 2 kinds of pie with whipped cream. It was a store bought kind of meal; everything came out of a box, can, or bag, or was bought ready to serve like the ham. Except the pumpkin pie. The Airport Problem Child made that and did a really good job, if I do say so myself. Which I do. So as soon as everything was cooked, we had to eat – right that second! Dinner conversation included why in the world did Sunny move so far away, why didn’t she tell her mom and oldest before she moved, why didn’t she find a man and settle down, how her mom’s health was (not good and how much worse it was getting every second that Sunny wasn’t caving), how the kids liked school, Sunny works too much, maybe at least she could find a husband in New York, how were my kids doing, and when was she moving back to Washington. We tried deflecting most of that by saying we had good jobs that we liked, we were making really good money at them, and we were about to move into a secure building at the first of next month. After dinner (with an unhealthy side of stress and heartburn), everyone retired for a nap. Except for Sunny. She stayed up to clean. Of course I stayed up with her. And it took every bit of 2 hours to clean. After which, the tree came out.

Sunny is not a Christmas person, she really doesn’t like it at all. She feels it’s entirely over commercialized, which I agree with. Unlike her, I enjoy the holiday season with full gusto. My only complaint is with people who have conniption fits when people break out the Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. I also find these are the same ones who then start complaining that there isn’t enough time in the Christmas season to get everything done that they want to do – starting the day after Thanksgiving. Anyway, Sunny was going to be aggravated with the evening. So first, her mom put on some Christmas station with some really annoying, tacky Christmas music. And let me tell you, that is really saying something coming from me. I love all Christmas music. At least I thought so until that night. I mean nobody liked it. Not even Sunny’s mom! And then the tree, it’s a wonder Sunny hasn’t ground her teeth down to stumps. It’s kind of old, but we couldn’t get her mom to let us run out and buy a new one. And the lights…it’s a wonder they can’t see that thing from space. You know those sort of net-type lights, the kind you drape over the shrubs outside? 5 of them. Draped onto a 6 foot tree. Then we had to add another 15 strings of plain white lights. I tell you, I needed shades when we plugged in the tree. Then the ornaments, a mix of glass, plastic, and handmade kids ornaments, and then those irritating silvery plastic icicles, the kind that clog up the vacuum. Then, just when we were starting to get into the tacky music, Mom changed it to something equally obnoxious.

About an hour later, I was questioning my decision to be there for the whole weekend. Because that’s when the oldest started in on how unfair life was and how hard she has it there. I could tell she was angling to move with us. Allow me to say one thing about the eldest child: Super Social Justice Warrior Snowflake, she’s about as far from me on the spectrum politically, religiously, and socially as you can get. And before we had left New York, Sunny made me promise that I would not start a fight with her. In other words, I’m surprised that I didn’t bite my tongue off in the short time I was exposed to her awake. She went all over the place from one thing to another, but finally I’d had enough. In fact, I don’t even remember what it was she said, or even what I said, only that I finally blew up and smacked her with an opinion that should have given her a heart attack right then and there. But her face welled up and she stormed off to her room, slamming the door shut and sobbing loud enough to be heard in Seattle. I just looked at Sunny and said I needed to get some air. I grabbed my coat and headed out the door. I walked for a good while, too bad I don’t have a fitness tracker because I easily walked 10k steps. I finally got so cold I went back inside (no hot water for a shower, but I’ve come to not expect that), and crashed in the living room with the kids instead of in the eldest child’s room with Sunny. I slept very little, eventually getting up literally at the crack of dawn for another walk.

Friday

Overnight I had come to the conclusion that neither my blood pressure nor Sunny’s family could take me sticking around for the rest of the weekend. As soon as I walked out of the door, I was on my phone with the airlines looking for the first flight out. I agreed to be on standby; even an airport had to be better atmosphere. I called a taxi, and realized everything except for my carry on bag was still in the bedroom where Sunny, the artist, and eldest child were still asleep. I was not about to go in and risk waking the crew. Instead, I tiptoed over the boys and went to the kitchen to leave a note.

“Sunny, Needed to fly back quickly. Can you please bring my suitcase when you come? See you in a couple of days. Call when I get home. Tell your mom thanks for dinner. Kate”

I carefully gathered my few things in the living room and made for the door. The youngest sat up and rubbed his eyes, then asked where I was going. I lied to the boy, told him I was needed at work, and that I’d see him in a few days. He shrugged, nodded, yawned, and went back to sleep.

I sat in the airport for only a couple of hours before I got on a flight to Denver, where I sat for two hours before I got a plane to New York. From JFK, I took a taxi back to the apartment. As I was walking up the three flights to the apartment, all I wanted to do was take a long hot bath, cuddle with my Spazzie, and get a full night’s sleep. I planned to spend the rest of the weekend lounging around and maybe doing some packing for the impending move looming on the horizon. It was about 11 pm. I unlocked the door to my apartment, stepped in, turned on the lights and saw…nothing.

Literally nothing. Every single thing was missing from our apartment. No futon in the living room. No dishes in the cabinets. No towels in the bathroom. And, the horror hit me as I realized, EVEN THE CATS WERE MISSING!!! For the third time since I moved to New York, I was dialing 911 to report a theft. And, bless her heart, Officer Yang came to take the report. I tried to give a pretty good description of what was missing. Her partner went down to the super’s apartment but there was no response. About half past midnight, Jake’s mom came home from her shift and looked in. We found out from her that a group of men had come first thing that morning and had been packing up our stuff. She had assumed that she had misremembered the date of our move. She offered to let me stay in their apartment, but I didn’t relish another night sleeping on the floor. Instead I called a cab as soon as the police left.

I had thought about going to a hotel, but figured they would pretty much be booked solid. I decided the best place for me to go would be to the Tower. I knew there were comfortable looking sofas, at least, and I figured that all the residents were gone for the holiday. Maybe I could convince The Man to hurry up the remodel because we really did have nothing. No sense in buying furniture, moving into the old apartment to just have to move it the following week. I had the taxi drop me off at the Tower, and I stood just outside to make the phone call I was dreading. I had to tell Sunny we had been cleaned out. I got her voicemail, which made some sense to me. It was closing in on 1:30 am, which was 10:30 pm there.  And her mom was always fussing about her being on her phone. I left her a message and promised to call after I got some sleep. Then I went inside.

The night guard was someone I hadn’t met before, but I had my badge so he let me in. The elevator ride up was the longest leg of my journey. I was reviewing all the events in my head and was starting to feel overwhelmed when the doors opened on the 91st floor. I had decided that I was going to have a cup of tea before trying to find a blanket and settling in on the sofa in the lounge. Surely The Man wouldn’t begrudge me that after everything I had been through. I hung up my coat and stashed my carry on in the closet and entered the common area, headed to the stove to heat water in the rarely-used kettle.

Standing at the island were three men. I recognized Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes from news stories I had seen over the years. The other one was unfamiliar to me. They were casually dressed, sweatpants and tees. It appeared they had just come down from the training room, they were slightly sweaty with a healthy glow. Captain Rogers was pouring some post-workout smoothie thing into glasses. I took a deep breath, feeling everything from the past few days welling up behind my eyes, and my nose starting to tingle and burn. I was desperately trying to contain my emotions in front of the people that I was definitely going to be running into in the halls and elevators, residents of the Tower. I was not going to lose control.

They glanced over at me as I came in. Captain Rogers welcomed me, asking if I was one of the housekeepers. I told him I was and then he said he thought we’d be back Sunday evening and where was my partner. I told him that she was still in Washington, and we were supposed to be back Sunday, but I had to leave early. Sergeant Barnes then asked why. And I think that’s where I started to lose that tenuous hold on my emotions. I tried telling them about the disastrous 24 hours that Thanksgiving had been, but I think I became a bit flustered. I don’t think I was making sentences. And then pieces of the past 2 days came spilling out and I absolutely burst into tears. Next thing I knew, I was seated on a stool at the island, Sergeant Barnes was doing his best to awkwardly comfort me with an arm around my shoulders, and the man I didn’t know was pressing a tumbler of some form of alcohol into my hand and demanding that Captain Rogers go find Mr. Stark and bring him up immediately. Before long, hthe Captain had returned with The Man Himself in tow. I will admit, he was concerned to see me sitting there sobbing, and he asked me what was wrong. I lost it again, someone handed me a handkerchief, and after about 5 more minutes, I regained some control. I blew my nose, took a deep breath and started to speak, but when I tossed back half the dark amber liquid, there went my voice.

When it returned, I told him as calmly as I could about the stress at Sunny’s mom’s house, that I just had to leave before really bad things were said, the layovers, the crying babies, coming home to a literally empty apartment, finishing up with the emotional outbursts they had all just experienced, which I assured him was a rare occasion, and could I please have a blanket so I could crash on the sofa. I finished the drink while waiting for the answer. I noticed glares aimed at The Man from the others in the room. And then the Captain threatened to call Miss Potts. Finally The Man said to follow him.

We went down on the elevator together, all four of us. I could almost feel the heat of the glares directed at my boss. This was the second elevator ride I’d had with him that was in complete silence, but somehow I felt like the awkwardness was coming from him this time. The doors opened on the 62nd floor.  I followed The Man down the hall to the door opposite the one he had showed us at the beginning of the week, the others behind me like some sort of guard or something. I now thought that what he was going to do was bring up a bed for me. Maybe this convinced him to complete the remodeling ASAP. But when I stepped into the now opened doorway, I was completely flummoxed. There, inside that room, was my apartment. Complete with cats. Spazzie came racing towards me and I scooped him up cuddling and scratching behind his ears. And I started crying again. I put him down for a minute and asked what the hell was going on.

The Man shrugged and told me he’d figured it would be great if we came back and found everything already moved in. One less thing for us to worry about, as it were. They had gone in, packed everything up and moved it, though they hadn’t known what stuff was mine and what was Sunny’s, so unfortunately we were going to have to go through the boxes ourselves. I was really jet lagged, and it was after 2 in the morning, so it took a little while for everything to sink in. But when it did…

I yelled, I screamed at him, I cried big fat hot mad tears. Sergeant Barnes smirked, thoroughly enjoying every word. Sunny’s cat, Aaron, came into the room and started pawing at me. I scooped him up and continued ranting. And then I realized something was climbing my leg. I looked down to see this cute little gray tabby kitten working its way up. And that was most definitely not my cat. I’d never seen it before. The guys all insisted that it must be ours because it was inside the apartment when they packed it up. And it had a collar. About then I felt all my energy drain from my body. I ordered them out and told them that we would finish this conversation tomorrow. I fell into the bed in the bedroom and pulled a comforter up over me. Spazzie curled up behind my knees, Aaron was behind me, and the kitten sprawled out on the pillow next to me. I’ve got to call Sunny tomorrow to let her know everything is OK and to just come to the Tower as soon as she gets in. But right now I need to sleep.