#i can basically recite the first 5 books to you word for word LOL

[wangxiandecoded]

Episode 4 (& Wangxian Meta)

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(Spoilers for the whole show ahead!)

Cultivation Partner

Episode 4 opens with shots of the Lan clan’s rule books that drowned Wei Ying the night before. As explained in this amazing observation by a fan, the only rule that is visible in the shot is the one which states a Lan clan member should not take off their forehead ribbon unless in front of their parents or cultivation partner, despite the show using the word “wife”. This is a strikingly gender neutral change for a show that is going above and beyond to establish that the heroes are in love without being allowed to do so explicitly.

Wei Ying is Whipped, Lan Zhan is An Ice Prince

Wei Ying is like a puppy in constant need of love and affection from Lan Zhan, isn't he? It is so important to him that Lan Zhan forgive him, befriend him, laugh with him, spend time with him. Oh Lan Zhan, if only you would look past who you are supposed To Be and admit how cute he is.

There are only two people who can make Wei Ying wear this "guilty 5-year-old who stole the candy he wasn't supposed to touch" expression, and that's Lan Zhan and his Shijie.

Wei Ying earned my respect with the number of times he tried to get the attention of his crush in the initial episodes. A true inspiration! 

Look how excited he is to see Lan Zhan! And look how gorgeously framed they are to once again remind us they are soulmates in life and the battlefield. 

Lan Qiren and Wei Ying’s Disagreement Is The First Seed of his Downfall

Wei Ying angers Lan Qiren in this scene by suggesting they harness resentful energy the same way they use spiritual energy to his hypothetical question, when such a thing is unheard of, unnatural and contemptible in the cultivation world. He gets kicked out of the lecture for his answer, foreshadowing his fall from grace.

The interactions between Wei Ying and Lan Qiren are always strained, and understandably so. He is no stranger to the grim consequences of demonic cultivation after having raised two kids who were caught in its crossfire. Lan Qiren follows the traditions he values above all else down to a T. Wei Ying's method, be it now or when he actually starts practising demonic cultivation, is something that strikes him as being almost perverse. But are him and the other cultivators right in classifying Wei Ying as corrupt for going down that road? Wei Ying simply considered a logical but forbidden path people have not dared to think about. His ideas are out of the box and definitely not the orthodox thing to do but should he be labelled a villain for it? The cultivation world and Wei Ying just have two vastly different approaches to the same problem. The line of thought separating a genius and megalomaniac is pretty thin after all, and Wei Ying's heart has never been guided by anything but pure intentions and an unwillingness to sit back in the face of injustice.

But Lan Qiren's generation and all of the cultivation world would not understand that. And what they do not understand, they fear. The order of their world is sustained only by the stratification of black and white. This is indisputable and there is no other variable to it. Heck, it even takes Lan Zhan a long time to accept it is Wei Ying who is right and the rest of the world that is wrong.

Lan Qiren represents the ancient "natural" order of the world and Wei Ying's disrespect for what reveals itself to be a suffocating system leads to the new, better, inclusive order with revised perceptions of right and wrong that Wangxian end up creating. Even if this new world comes with a great cost. The story leaves us with the questions, who is right and who is wrong, after all? Who are we to dictate that and set them in stone? 

(On a less serious note, I don't know if it's because I've seen this trope in many Asian dramas, but I found it funny how Lan Qiren is questioning Wei Ying simply for the purpose of belittling him by finding a blind spot in his intelligence. Even though Wei Ying is easily the smartest guy in the room, whose heart of gold and morally grey choices paint him as a villain. It gave me "mother-in-law who despises the woman who's going to marry into their family" vibes. Lol!)

Is The Untamed A Tale of Righteousness Or A Queer Romance? Both, Always Both 

Somewhere in this war that will happen between Wei Ying and the rest of the cultivation world, between what can be considered right and wrong, honor and disgrace, the natural and unnatural ways of life (which are all codified into an absolute, immovable binary), there is a metaphor for being different in a world that is hell bent on excluding you for being thus. And you know what Wei Ying’s whole journey reminds me of? Of our heroes being queer. If you haven’t thought about it, the parallels do exist in the story, becoming obvious when Lan Qiren punishes Lan Zhan for questioning the fallacy in the same rules that made him lose his lover, and culminating with Lan Zhan irrevocably taking Wei Ying’s side in episode 42. He chooses to be on the “wrong” side with Wei Ying, orthodoxy be damned. (I’d hate to be Lan Zhan's uncle who is implied to be homophobic and ends up having a son-in-law.)

It might be early in the story to bring this up but The Untamed is at its crux, a story about two different guys who come together for the same cause and fall in love on the path of justice, while struggling to safeguard the definition of morality they know in their hearts to be true. Their soulmateship is woven inextricably with living with a clean conscience and doing the right thing even when the world tells them they are grossly incorrect. (Eat that, Romeo’s and Juliet’s! What life-or-death challenges did straight romance ever face?) That’s how Wangxian’s upright lifestyle (which only they know to be just and others frown down upon) doubles as a metaphor for their relationship. Some people support it, some don’t, some even deplore and oppose them for it because they think they are committing a crime. Doesn’t change the fact that we, the audience, can see that they are right (and that they’re in love). In fact, it is precisely because they chose the single log bridge together (because they fell in love) that led to balance being restored in their morally corrupt world.

It’s the many little things like this about our two heroes that make the world of The Untamed undergo a transformation for the better. We don’t talk enough about the fact that Wangxian together overthrow ancient, draconian laws that decreed what is black and white, by swearing an oath to protect the powerless together but also by swearing an unspoken vow to be together forever. And one can hope, especially if you’re a queer person who fell in love with this story, that the world and most of Asia will see the light about the LGBTQ+ people one day, like the other characters realized Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were not criminals but the best of human beings who simply lived life the only way they knew as being honest with themselves and true to their hearts. They need not spend their lives on the lonely bridge of darkness, and deserve a wider path of acceptance built by and shared with the rest of the world, one that shines under the broad daylight, because they have always, always been in the right. Like Lan Zhan and Wei Ying have been. It’s that everyone else is slow to catch up with them. 

It Is Doubly Hard For Lan Zhan To Do The Right Thing 

Lan Zhan in this scene recites the rules he has learnt verbatim and his uncle beams. It is clear he takes pride in Wangji being his prized student and the perfect example of who a duty-bound clan member should be. The person Lan Zhan used to be makes it that much harder for him to rebel against his own uncle later. I cannot imagine the courage it took him to unlearn the principles he had centered his life around after they turned regressive, and acknowledge that they did more harm than good by viewing an expanding universe through an achingly narrow vision. 

Wei Ying was born free-spirited and defiant so his choices are not totally unexpected. But Lan Zhan's choices make him lose his reputation as the unwavering bearer of light, along with the respect of his uncle who had placed him on a pedestal and vice versa. Once again drawing the comparison that turning his back on the world and ensuring his conscience was clean is the same as siding with Wei Ying, the man who he loves and was wrongfully denounced by everyone. 

In summary, Episode 4 shows us the polarity between our heroes and the lives they lead. And after all, it is the most basic rule in the book that opposites make the perfect formula for a romance.  

What Gay Messages Is The Show Sending?

In the new world order Wangxian write by themselves when no one else can, for Lan Zhan to choose Wei Ying means to choose an honorable life, and to choose Wei Ying also means to choose love. Their love for each other is the last standing untarnished virtue in the contaminated world that is already unravelling when Lan Zhan declares his love for Wei Ying in public and the first virtue in this new world that came into existence all the way back when Lan Zhan and Wei Ying launched the lantern together, deciding to stick together and be the voice that speaks out for the voiceless. It is Lan Zhan and Wei Ying’s love for each other that redeems the sorrows of the past, and paves the way for a greener future in their world. Their love story is undoubtedly the most extraordinary part of The Untamed and we are privileged to have seen it in our lifetime.

It is groundbreaking, if this metaphor for their gay love story was at all intended in any way. Even if it wasn’t, Wangxian are the queer heroes that have been sorely missing from our history. Their story propagates that people like Wangxian are liberated only when we realize we have to foster and feed the very thing that makes us different. The odds are we are the only ones capable of knowing that we are right, even if everyone else condemns and invalidates something as vital as our existence. For the sake of our clean conscience, we go on living life the way we see fit because that’s what living an honest and honorable life entails. That’s what Lan Zhan and Wei Ying would want us to do. We are all ridiculously ahead of a time that is running to keep up with us. So..

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

animaniacs - season 1 episode 38 - spellbound

episode summary: inexplicably stuck in camelot times, brain tries to get the ingredience for a magic spell that allows the caster to take over the world. this episode has no relation to the other camelot episode and i don't... know why.

the rundown: we begin our episode with the assertion that this is England in 1194. at this point in history, everyone from fire emblem 16 has grown up and is gay married, but we're not focusing on them right now. we're going to camelot and asking about their round table.

lol.

anyway after we see this creepy spider do whatever he's doing, we meet... merlin, i guess.

my dude??? he looks different. did you go on queer eye, merlin? whatever. he technically doesn't say he's merlin, so... maybe he's the other guy? the older guy? who's like merlin's dad?

this fucker. is he in the original king arthur? idk man i only watch cartoons. anyway he is casting a spell and it is very important. important enough to require components from yoko ono, apparently. like she hasn't suffered on this show enough.

but who do we have here?

"mouse" as my flatmate elegantly put it when he walked past the tv room to get a water. but even better than mouse??? mouse in SHORTS. MOUSE IN SHORTS MOUSE IN SHORTS??? MOUSE IN SHORTS. MOUSE IN SHORTS LOOK AT HIS LITTLE LEGYS MOUSE IN SHORTS MOUSE IN. SHORTS MOUSE IN SHORTS. MOUSE IN SHORTS.

YES.

pinky is not wearing shorts, which is incredibly disappointing. he's wearing some sort of sleeveless shirt dress tunic thing in an awful colour that someone like kanye west or justin bieber probably sells on their merch store for like a thousand dollars. he got the yeezy fit, damn. despite the designer status of his clothes, his bedroom eyes still do not convince me.

"i wish i was a windowsill so i could be--! ah. um."

"an imbecile?"

"ah! haha good rhyme, brain!" the bop of the century. kanye west sells the "windowsill" remix in vinyl on his online store for an additional fifty dollars.

after naming a few more celebrities ("I win, you win, edwin newman") the cauldron explodes in a puff of green smoke! and we get!

a pie. “lo!” he cries. “i’ve made a nice pie.”

hm. pinky is impressed. brain is uh. i think he mentally checked out? whatever he's doing i cannot stop fucking laughing at it. i actually had to put this post on pause for longer than anticipated because brain’s stupid face got to me. i’m so sorry. i started writing this at like 11pm gmt on the 11th and it just didn’t get to y’all in time because of brain’s stupid fucking face.

i’m sorry. brain is less impressed and declares it a “waste of magic”, and that he “would never squander such mystical powers over mere pastry.”

“poit. but what if you were eating dinner and you forgot dessert?”

“maybe then.”

but there is trouble afoot! Old Man Merlin has realised that king arthur will want some of his pie, and decides he’d better eat it in the dungeon so that doesn’t happen.

brain takes this opportunity to look through Old Man Merlin’s big book of spells. he “will use merlin’s magic to take control of the world” and then we get another nice closeup of his funny little face.

i don’t know why animaniacs was so keen on doing this? does it happen this much in the reboot? it feels like every episode we stare brain down to assert dominance.

“oh, no, no. where will you find a magic spell for that?”

“in the table of contents, pinky.”

“oh, well, very good.”

(the table of contents also contains a spell to “win at blackjack”, next to the taking over the world spell. brain considers this, for a moment, and then decides now is probably not the time.)

so good thing they have all the components for the magic spell, eh? including the Half Eaten Gingerbread Cookie That’s Been Left On The Counter All Night.

hmm.

oh, wait, no they don’t. turns out they’re fresh out of red dragon toenails, so brain’s solution to this problem is just to... go and get more, which is obviously a thing people do. they have to cross the enchanted forest to do that. it has witches and stuff. pinky rightfully points out that that is a lot of danger to overcome, and brain gets his stealing-the-minivan vibes back and nicks Old Man Merlin’s magic wand. he only knows one spell, but that won’t stop him.

the first obstacle they have to cross is the gingerbread house owned by... witch hazel from looney tunes. she’s a lot less annoying here than in bugs bunny lost in time, and informs brain that she is “waiting for pudgy german children.” instead of taking her suggestion to “get outta here”, brain magics her ass.

charlie sheen, ben vereen, shrink to the size of a lima bean.

they do get their ass handed to them by aforementioned pudgy german children, but then the german children decide that the mice have syphillis and yeet them in the general direction of slappy squirrel, who is here now.

she starts an argument with the goodfeathers, who are also here now, and brain takes it as their cue to leave.

but never mind all that! good thing there’s a handy bridge over this stream!

unfortunately, the bridge likes to spawn Giant Purple Hands That Kidnap Goats, so brain concludes they should cross said bridge using Stealth. unfortunately pinky drops the wand on the source of the Giant Purple Hands, and it is... relatively unhappy.

so brain pulls out the old “ charlie sheen, ben vereen, shrink to the size of a lima bean” again.

i did definitely think the troll was going to kick him in the crotch. i was very much sure of this, actually. instead it yeets him into rita and runt and fucks off.

“for goodness sake boxy” i hear you cry, “aren’t they at the dragon yet! this review has lasted a good twenty years of scrolling down my dashboard!” and i hear you, and you’re right, but the first thing you need to understand is; pinky has spent this whole episode singing. that little guitar he has? he has spent the whole episode replicating windowsill. “we’re in the woods so dark and stinky, to conquer the world, go brain and--” and then he forgets his name and brain has to remind him that it’s pinky. or remind him of his own name, or suggest like, steam to rhyme with stream. that is the running gag of this episode, and it is very important, at this stage, that you know that. pinky has not, as of yet, stopped singing and playing the lute.

so even though they make it to the dragon pretty mucn unscathed (aside from brain getting sat on by a giant, but i won’t go into that unless y’all specifically want details) pinky just has to have his little song in order to keep the dragon asleep.

and then brain yells at him for forgetting the word “sandman”, which breaks the toenail off completely,

and also wakes up the dragon, which can’t be good. it’s not happy! it was growing its’ nails out for paris fashion week.

brain tries his best to rectify this situation.

“charlie sheen, ben vereen--!”

charlie sheen and ben vereen are dead. i’m sorry to have to tell you. they shrunk down so much they got stuck in the quantum zone from antman and the wasp. someone should probably do something about that.

anyway the mice decide to hightail it back to Old Man Merlin’s.

conclusion: 

spoilies: they do make it back in one piece. i won’t detail the whole chase scene because it’s just a bunch of running, because the post is long enough already, and also because tumblr has eaten it three fucking times and i could basically type all this in my sleep now. the things i do for y’all. donate to the wavemaiden.

so pinky shoves all the ingredients into the pot, while brain finds The Take Over The World Spell. the dragon is harassing them this whole time, which feels unfair.

“listen carefully, pinky. i need to recite this spell exactly, and once i start i cannot stop. so i need you to be extra quiet, okay?”

“sure thing, brain.”

this lasts for approximately five minutes.

“brain’s the boss! he’ll rule with ease!”

“mystical powers, your might unfurled, grant that i become--”

“he’s the one! the big, erm. banana?”

“cheese!” yells brain, who has given up entirely by this point. “it rhymes with ease! big! cheese!”

hm.

“are you alright, brain?”

“i feel. odd.”

this is an interesting development.

so brain is cheese now! cool. i guess they have to wait for merlin to get back from Pie Heaven and turn him back, somehow? with his spare wand or whatever. this is definitely pinky’s fault, because brain did ask him to stay quiet for a bit surprisingly nicely (in brain terms) and he... did not. and now brain is a cheese.

on the other hand, this would probably work again if they tried it again, once merlin goes back to pick up some more toenails.

brain: 2 pinky: 3 outside influence: 5

“can i get you anything, brain? some medicine? a cracker?”

“were i not a large cheese, i would make you pay for that remark.”

[trulymadlysydney]

SO I NEVER LIKE “””OFFICIALLY””” had a face claim for Nova but one time my darling Bee @imethiminthemorning and I talked about it being Dove Cameron, and y’all know how much I adore her... so here she is, our beautiful little weirdo, Nova! 

I was tagged by both Bee and my angel Ken @emotionally-imbruised to do this!  I gave this way too much thought and we know our Nova tends to ramble so obvs some of these answers are gonna be long lol

Rules: Choose a couple of favourite photos/gifs of your character! Copy and paste the questions down below! Answer as if you’re the character that’s been tagged! Then tag some characters/authors you would love to see answer next! (BTW, you’re also allowed to tag an author again if they have more than one character you want to answer these questions!)

1. If it’s 1am and you’re still awake and wanting to talk to someone, who do you call and what do you talk about?

I would say Harry, but a) it’s rare that he’s awake past 11pm most nights, and b) he’s a grump if you wake him before like, 7am.   Usually, there’s a good chance that Jessie is still awake at 1am so I just go into her room with a blanket and we word-vomit all our problems to each other.  

2. Are you part of any fandoms? Or at least a big fan of something in particular?

Some random dude I met at a coffee shop one time invited me to one of his band’s gigs and they were pretty cool I guess. ;) All jokes aside, I’m actually a huge Harry Potter nerd. I’ve been trying to get Harry to read the books but he literally has the attention span of a gnat so he’s taken like five months to read the first two chapters.... of the first book.  Also not that anyone asked but my guilty pleasure is Justin Bieber.  (I know, I know.) ((Sorry @ Harry, you can make me mixtapes of indie bands all you want but I’m still gonna listen to Justin.))

3. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Surprisingly, big spoon. I get hot in the night super easily so little spoon makes me want to explode sometimes.  Like at least as big spoon I have the freedom to move around.  (Also, again, not that anyone asked but Harry prefers being little spoon anyway so. It works out.)

4. If your mum text you right now, how would that make you feel?

She literally texted me this morning to ask if I needed anything mailed from home, and then to ask when I was planning on coming back.  So to answer your question I’d be fine with it.

5. Have you ever been in love? Why/Why not?

This is such a hard question. I genuinely don’t know.  I think I’m gonna say yes and no. Like, I think I’ve been in love to the capacity that I knew how, does that make sense? Like there was a guy from science camp that I sort of dated throughout high school, and I loved him as much as I knew how to back then.  I consider him my first love.  I think love is different for everyone and it grows and changes with us as we get older.  So who’s to say that I wasn’t in love or it wasn’t real love, compared to my relationship now as an adult with Harry (Who I ABSOLUTELY love), even though I was basically a child? (Side note, Harry just read this answer over my shoulder and he’s laughing at me, like “Nova its a yes or no question, just answer it and move on to the next one.” I think I hate him.)

6. Can you be trusted with a secret?

For sure!  I like to think I’m a pretty trustworthy person.

7. Who was your childhood best friend? Are you still friends?

Her name is Stella, and we are actually! In fact she’s planning a trip out here in September.  She want’s me to take her to West Hollywood so she can seduce a famous person.  (Her words, not mine.)

8. What are three songs currently on your everyday playlist?

Seriously?  Only three? This sucks.

1. Don’t Go Breaking My Heart- Elton John and Kiki Dee (Lately Harry and I have gotten into the habit of performing it in the mirror while we get ready for classes.  It’s become routine.)

2. The Chain- Fleetwood Mac 

3. Boyfriend- Justin Bieber (Guilty pleasure. I told you.)

9. What is your secret talent?

Ummm... I can easily recite literally any tongue twister with no issues.  I can also tie a cherry stem with my tongue.  (Also give me like 6 minutes tops and I can solve a rubix cube.)

10. Have you pictured your future? If so, what does it look like?

I have actually.  It involves working at NASA as one of their leading meteorologists, winning awards for my discoveries in my field,  saving the earth (literally), and then coming home to have a glass of wine and binge watch Netflix shows with Harry.  (I don’t know about a husband or kids just yet, but I do know that when I picture my future, he’s in it. So.)

 (This was so much more fun than I thought it was going to be and I literally gave this way too much thought lmao but anyway I AM GOING TO TAG @bribe-the-door (for any of your characters, although I want to request you do y/n from What Friends are For) annnnnnd @imethiminthemorning again for Allie! MWAH xoxo

[vampireloreskill]

Get To Know Me 

tagged by @fourfinefreshfishforyou a billion years ago, thank you so much!! i actually Did have fun filling this out even if it took me forever 

 anyone who still wants to do this can say i tagged them!

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Who wrote this? A fed??

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? Kris

3. BIRTHDAY? This year

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? Would you believe me if I said Warriors

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Ghosts no, aliens sort of... I’m not sure I buy into whole other civilizations but I find it hard to believe that there isn’t some kind of life outside of our planet even if it’s just bacteria 

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Rick Riordan is pretty cool

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? Christmas

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? Strawberry or peach 

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? Amazing

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG?  Your Type - Carly Rae Jepson

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? I’m a big fan of defenestration

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO?  Your Type - Carly Rae Jepson

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? I don’t like to blanket recommend shows because everyone has such different tastes

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? Tbh I just mope around until I either feel better or give up and go to sleep

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? This is an Assassin’s Creed and Sims zone ONLY

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Strangers on the internet knowing my second biggest fear

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? Objectively it’s probably my ability to see things from other people’s perspective but TBH I much prefer my sense of humor and ability to laugh at my own jokes whether or not anyone else finds them funny 

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? My inability to self moderate

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? I want to say neither,, but I may be leaning towards dogs in recent years :/

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Winter, but lately Autumn has been sneaking up on it

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? Nah

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? Being small... I loved hiding in tiny spaces and being picked up

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? *cowboy voice* Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time...

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Dark brown

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? At this point it’s basically black but I still like to say dark brown

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? God, my family, probably a lot of people idk I catch feelings easily

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? Literally no one but God 

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? A lot of seemingly random celebrities, if you count constantly reciting names in specific patterns as thinking 

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? Yes, lots of things! 

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? lmao

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? REDWALLLLL

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? I’m not sure what the opposite of shrug emoji is but the answer is still no one

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? I’m not, but someone needs to tell me that

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? I’m not sure I have any phobias? Irrational fears, Sure

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? Behind it!

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? I REALLY want to get into dollhousing

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? I know I said Les Misérables in a previous tag meme but I now remember that I actually read the first book in C.S. Lewis’s space trilogy a while back more recently

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Spider-man: Into The Spiderverse which was........ AMAZING 

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? When I was younger I had a lap harp but that’s about it

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? Opossums

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? I’m not a fan of naming names in this context sorry!

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? A lot, but I’ve concluded that for any powers gained I would inevitably just end up becoming a super villain and/or batman so hard pass

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? When I first wake up, and just lie there trying to hold on to what I was just dreaming about

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? It’s basically physically impossible for me not to grin like a fool watching Wander Over Yonder

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? Does Wii Bowling count

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Apple cider

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? I don’t know? Probably when I wanted to wake up at a certain time

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? Sometimes? Depends on how possible it is that I could fall

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? Dry skin currently 

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? I was going to say no but I have the distinct feeling that I have even though I didn’t remember absolutely anything about it except maybe the auditorium?

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? No

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? Zookeeper

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? Um. Eternia?? ajfghdk 

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? Not growing as a person

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? Not really, but I do like the ability to turn on lights if I need to

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? My vocal cords were made for Christmas carols and little else. But yeah, sometimes.

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? I’m not... sure?

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? I’ll let you know when I’ve found it

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? Where I already do

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Yes

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? Night owl

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? Sunsets

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? I feel like I could make an educated guess in an emergency

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? Headphones

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? No

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? I feel like it’s probably pop or disco tbh

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Jesus 

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? Here and there, the only series I’ve actually read all the way through is Cable & Deadpool (2004) but I want to get into Venom

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? Not to be cliche but injustice of any kind

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? Real book, I like turning pages and the way the cover fits into my hands. Can’t say I’m a fan of the smell though.

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? Vocabulary

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Yes

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Sims 4 packs

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′2 or so

75. CAN YOU COOK? If it involves anything other than a microwave or a toaster then,,, no

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? Vampires, villains in love, wood paneling 

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? Intrusive thoughts, Marius Pontmercy, mint flavored toothpaste

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? I... Have more female mutuals

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? Bisexual but like it’s Complicated. Also this is the first time I’ve ever actually said that directly so ✌️🎉

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? A fed wrote this

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? My mom

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Earlier this month

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? I don’t really follow any, but I used to be obsessed with the videos of this one guy who acted out crossovers of DC/Marvel characters with action figures and had a really great voice

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? I do! I just never do anything with them once I’ve taken them lol

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? I don’t have one right now, but I adore choose your own adventure ones

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? Pretty good with my adoptive parents. I want to be closer with my birth mom but I don’t... really know how to go about that without being a disappointment. Never met my birth dad which has been eating at me somewhat lately.

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? Uhh Australian maybe??

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? Mexico

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 6

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Do you take me for a clown

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? Yes, I’m a nondenominational christian 

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? The ocean, it’s teeming with life and I find it bafflingly fascinating how there’s still so much we don’t know about it

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? Absolutely not

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? Almost every single time we go shopping in Sam’s Club I get inexplicably feverish and nauseous and feel like I’ve thrown out my back until we get to the check out. That and I may have a dairy allergy? But honestly my stomach is acting out every other day so who knows really.  

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? Ye

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? No

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Not as often as I should

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? Aesthetically, the beach, but forests are less sandy

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? Pat, don’t rub (When drying your hands)

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR?  mmMM I don’t really lie, like, seriously about stuff that I can recall? I’ll jokingly say stuff that blatantly isn’t true and even then I sometimes feel guilty and confess seconds later. Unless you count lying by omission? Or saying stuff like “I’m fine” LMAO. The World May Never Know

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? We Don’t Discuss Harry Potter On This Blog, but ravenclaw all the way and any test that tries to sort me into hufflepuff isn’t Valid 

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? Generally just when I’m alone

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? Introvert

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? I’ve tried, but I just don’t have the attention span for it asdfgh. Sometimes I write down my dreams though.

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? Yes

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Convince someone else to pick it up and check for ID

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? Yes

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? That’s a personal question

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yes

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? No

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Count Dracula from Monster Family (2017) ok so,,, i know he tried to freeze the entire world because a married woman rejected him but LISTEN

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? No

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? Following Jesus

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? Mm, not karma per say, but I do generally think that what goes around often comes around in way or another

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? No

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? NO

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? Idk! there a lot different types of smart people

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? Nice try, but someone might actually read this

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? I’m basically nocturnal so... yeah

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOUR CLOTHES? Various jewel tones

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? Ehhhhhhh

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? Not that I know of

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 21

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? I can’t really think of one right now

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? Whichever I’m in the mood for!

[raaven-nerd]

the epic mega tag of tags

I’ve been inactive for an eternity so I got tagged in a bunch of things by a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE (THANK YOU ALL FOR TAGGING ME I LOVE YOU ALL <3) 

So i decided to combine all these tags into ONE MEGA TAG!!! I’m sorry if I don’t have every single tag that people have tagged me in, because I was kinda... inactive lol 

I honestly have no idea how many questions are in here, but I’m really excited to answer all these questions. Subtle hint for you guys to ask me questions lmao!! My ask box is always open ;)

//INTRO//

Time: 9:00AM (i’m on summer break, i’m not ditching school rn lol) 

Name: Michelle

Nickname: Mich (pronounced mish,,) and Michy (fun fact: all my friends spell this differently but the correct spelling is michy!! At least that’s how i spell my nickname lmao)

Gender: Female

Nationality: Australian

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: like 157cm LMAO i’m really short

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw (hence my branding lmao)

Languages Spoken: English, Cantonese (but badly), Japanese (but only because i learn it at school)

Dream job: GOOD QUESTION LMAO umm something medical?? But like if i was remotely talented, doing something creative would be really cool.

How many pets do you have: 1, I have a pet dog named Pepper

What am I wearing: A T-shirt from last year’s school musical that’s way too big for me and black shorts (and by that i don’t mean a T-shirt that was like part of my costume,, i mean like a merch kinda t-shirt?? but not really merch bc i was in the musical) 

Instruments/sports played: I don’t play any instruments ,, well i play ukulele badly lmao, and i play soccer and volleyball for grade sport :)

//ABOUT THE BLOG//

When did you make this account? Like,, 2 years ago?? YIKES

Why did you join studyblr? Honestly i don’t remember why,, probably bc i wanted to get better at studying and get more motivated

How many followers do you have? Surprisingly around 4800

Why I chose my url: because i’m a nerd,, and my hogwarts house is ravenclaw

//BELOW THE CUT//

Things about my personal life :000 (get that juicy goss!! lol not really tho my life is pre uneventful)

Study tips and my study routine I guess? Just about how i study lol  

Music/Book/Film/TV faves and other related thingos (aka how cultured am i?? again not really tho i’m just trying to make this sound interesting lmao) 

And some more just RANDOM things lmao (like some of these things get really random lol) 

//PERSONAL//

What are three basic facts about you? Okay so whenever a teacher asks me to introduce myself at the start of the school year, my default interesting fact is “I have a dog” and every single year the teachers are super amazed that i have a pet dog and it’s absolutely hilarious bc everyone else is like “I’m not sharing any personal information with you guys”, and the teacher ends up interrogating me about my pet dog.

That’s not a basic fact lol um.. My birthday is on the 15th of July, I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I graduate in 2020 :))

What was the best part of your day today? Ngl this is actually a really hard question for me to answer because I am NOT in a good mental state right now… but probably watching Joe Sugg’s new vlog. That was a good way to spend a study break. OR REPLYING TO THAT ANON MESSAGE OMG everyone sending me messages saying that they’re glad to see me back just wow ;; i can’t believe people even noticed i was gone it’s just ahhughsgs thank you all so much <33 

Relationship status: um… single… yeah let’s just leave it at that

who is the first person you go to in a crisis, when you’ve had a hard day, or when you need to vent? Well… my best friend would be the first person i go to.. Except we’re on holidays right now and they have the worst reply game (bc they’re kinda not allowed to talk to me,,, it’s complicated lmao)

what is your love language? (if you don’t know it, there are plenty of love language quizzes on Google! I definitely encourage you to look it up and find it out for your benefit!) :ooo I did a quiz for this ages ago BUT I GOTTA DO IT AGAIN bc i forgot LOL 

OKAY i did it! I used 5lovelanguages.com so yeah.. Just in case anyone was wondering? But I guess my love language is quality time/words of affirmation and from highest to lowest it’s quality time (9), words of affirmation (8), physical touch (6), acts of service (4) and receiving gifts (3) 

what are the little things in your life that make you happy? Lmao all my friends bc we’re all SHORT AF.. but seriously,, just really small things can make me so happy, just being able to spend time with my friends makes me really happy?? Like we can just sit in (comfortable) silence, but i’ll be so content to just be there with my friends..  Quality time with friends?? thanks love language Does that count idk how to answer this

What is your favourite thing about yourself? Um physical thing?? Probably my hair tbh.. But like my actual fav thing about myself is um the fact that i’m empathetic, generally pre organised and good w/ time management and i can like teach myself stuff?? or maybe how i could be having the worst day of my life and i’ll still want to spread positivity and good vibes?? Yeah that’s pre cool 

what accomplishment in your life are you most proud of? Uhh i got dux of english a few years back? I was in the top 10 of 4 subjects last year so that’s pre cool? But tbh the accomplishment i’m most proud of is probably just going to the school I go rn.. OR surviving last year lol 2018 was a mess 

What’s one piece of advice to yourself a year ago? GIRL things are gonna be tough. Like really hecking tough. But it’s not worth it to hold grudges, there’s no point letting fear of what could happen stop you from doing things you want to do and you will survive and you will be stronger because of it. Don’t let what other people say about you get you down, yes, it sucks to hear people speculating about you and your private life, but they have no idea what’s actually going on, and they’re just curious . No one has anything against you. You are loved, and you are worthy, and you are strong. You got this.

what is a skill you wish you had? To play guitar!! Or to be able to sing!!

Name three places you’d like to go to. Richard Rodgers Theatre to watch Hamilton, Music Box Theatre to watch Dear Evan Hansen and the Warner Bros Studio Tour in London. (but also, Japan, London and New York)

//STUDY & ACADEMICS//

What’s your degree/favourite subject? Uhhh it was drama but i dropped that and the 2019 school year hasn’t started yet so.. Who knows?

What motivates you to study? The fact that I gotta do well and get good marks in order to get into a good uni course… and the fact that i just want to keep getting better,, and i don’t want to disappoint people and i also don’t want to do badly bc yikes its real competitive at my school so like lowkey fear of failure

What time do you do your best studying? Tbh it really depends, it’s either the morning not long after i wake up (esp if it’s holidays or the weekend), right after i get home from school, or like late at night if i get a burst of motivation (like sometimes i’ll end up studying from 10:30 to 1am which isn’t sustainable if i have to get up at 7 for school) 

Best self care tip for exam season? Don’t spend your time around people who get really stressed out. It only makes you more stressed, and you don’t need that extra worry. Positive vibes only. Stay chill!

Do you listen to music when you study? Yeah. I just listen to music with no lyrics and I’ll use @studyquill​’s playlist :DD

Where do you do your best studying? I do pretty much all my studying at home so.. home?? but i have this spot at school that i like to go to in the mornings when no one’s at school yet because it’s super quiet and i can get some quality work done there 

What’s your go to thing when studying? Write notes, do practise questions, draw summary mind maps and try to recite my notes from memory

//MUSIC//

put your music library on shuffle, list the first 15 songs

Oh boi this is going to be interesting

How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran

Part of Me (Bonus Track) - Dear Evan Hansen

If I Could Fly - One Direction

Better Man - 5 Seconds of Summer

If I Could Tell Her - Dear Evan Hansen

Somebody to Love - Queen

Moving Along - 5 Seconds of Summer

Candy Store - Heathers the Musical

Cabinet Battle #2 - Hamilton

Guns for Hands - Twenty One Pilots

Sunrise - In The Heights

The Judge - Twenty One Pilots

Radio Ga Ga - Queen 

Defying Gravity - Wicked 

Shine a Light - Heathers the Musical 

Song stuck in your head: for some reason Acid Rain by Cimorelli just randomly came into my head when I woke up this morning?? so that i guess lol 

Last song you played: Alaska by Maggie Rogers

What are you listening to right now? well right now it’s Shine a Light lmao

what are your 5 favourite songs right now? THIS IS HARD OMG okay um Photograph by Ed Sheeran, Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix, Fire Away by Niall Horan, Walking in the Wind by One Direction and I discovered Light On by Maggie Rogers today so that too!!

What’s your favourite lyric right now? Darling you don't have to hold it/You don't have to be afraid/You can go 'head and unload it/'Cause you know it'll be okay

Fave artist? GOOD QUESTION.. I don’t have an answer lmao but I like 5SOS, Ariana Grande’s new songs, Ed Sheeran and the soundtracks to quite a few musicals but that doesn’t answer the question lol 

//FILM, BOOKS & TV//

Last movie you saw: I rewatched Crazy Rich Asians :))

Top three TV shows: lol i don’t watch TV but all times favs include Gravity Falls and The Simpsons annnnndd um… yeah I really don’t watch much TV lol

What are your favourite books? All time fav is Harry Potter, but rn my fav is probably 13 Reasons Why (i know it’s also a TV show so i might check it out!!)

Which ones are you currently reading or want to read? Right now, I’m reading Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. I’m only a few pages in though.

What’s the most recent book you’ve read? Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

//MISCELLANEOUS// 

Describe your favourite colour without saying the name! Soft colour of love

What’s your favourite season? Probably autumn

Favourite animal? My pet dog lmao (i really like dogs but i love so many animals but we’ll just say dogs)

Last thing you googled: ‘fire away lyrics niall horan’ because i wanted to check i had the right words lol

How many blankets you sleep with: 1

If you could be a celebrity, who would you be? Probs Emma Watson or Ariana Grande

What is the last text you sent? Ummm i’ll check AND i quote “I AM,,, somewhat certain that’s correct bc like.. I don’t have any confidence in myself”  I was talking to my friend about an assignment lol

Average hours spent sleeping? 7-8 ish??? But during the school term, it could be more like 6-7 but still ain’t that bad???

WOW THAT WAS LONG if u actually stayed throughout all of this and read it all,, (which no one probably did) umm dm me your fav lyrics of the moment? yeah do that lol i wanna meet some new people 

[ifiwerebraveenough]

I’m bored so here’s an ask submission

1. What was the last present you gave? -I gave my friend a bookk 2. What was the last present you received? -also a book lol 3. What animal best represents your personality? -hmm an elephant 4. What are you most afraid of? -never fully living life 5. Who is your favourite villain? -Maleficent 6. Who is your favourite family member? (we all have one, admit it) -my nana 7. If you could name your own planet what would it be called? -Fuxida 8. Stars or Moon? -stars though i love both 9. Do you have/want kinds? -i dont have any but undecided, but i think yes  10. What is your greatest life goal? -make myself someone I am happy with 11. What is something you can’t live without? -my dog 12. What is a place you associate with your childhood? -a huge oak tree at my grandparents old house 13. How was your first kiss/how would you like your first kiss to go? -it was exactly how you’d expect a first kiss. 14. What is some life advice you have acquired? - “Don’t let your loyalty become slavery. If they don’t appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone” 15. Who in history has influenced you? -Sigmund Freud 16. What is something strange that you think about often? -What kind of tree I want to be when I die 17. Baths or Showers? both duh. 18. Tea of Coffee? - both duh 19. Alcohol or soft drink? -not both. alcohol. 20. Writing or typing? -depends what I’m working on. The more personal it is, the more I want to write it. 21. What is you most favourite thing in your bedroom? -right now my dog, but if we’re talking inanimate objects, probably the photograph of my mom, dad, brother and me.  22. Spontaneous holiday! Where are you going and with who? -Somewhere tropical and with someone I can stand to be around for days at a time.  23. Introverted or Extraverted? -more extraverted but it’s a pretty fine line 24. Describe yourself in two words. -moody badass lol 25. A song that always puts you in a good mood. -Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man.  26. What makes you feel? -music 27. What was your favourite concert?- Halsey, October 19, 2017, Infinity Energy Center  28. Any plans for a tattoo? -soooooo many, but I think I’m getting Freya’s paw print next  29. What was the first book you ever read? -Mickey Mouse and the Haunted House 30. What was the first movie you saw in cinemas? -Spirit Away  31. What do you think of when you hear ‘portrait’? -The old paintings of people, and that people did. ie. Mona Lisa 32. Tell me about your partner/ideal partner? -Someone who can make me laugh, keeps me on my toes, doesn’t let me get away with my bullshit, someone comforting, someone who knows and has the decency of human kindness, someone who is passionate and supportive and loves me even on my worst days.  33. Tell me about your siblings, if you have any? -I have a half brother. He has a cute kid.  34. What is a topic you would like to talk about more? -What we can do to better ourselves as humans so that we can help those who cannot help themselves 35. What are you a big advocate for? -basic Human Rights all across the board 36. If you’re comfortable to answer, what is the sickest you have ever been? -when my appendix had to be removed 37. When were you the most scared in your life? -When my grandmother told me she had cancer. 38. Ever had a paranormal experience? -several 39. Biggest celebrity crush at the moment? -Johnny Depp. It stays that way too. 40. What is something happening in your life right now? -I’m almost done with my Master’s degree.  41. What is your favourite mythological creature? -sirens/mermaids 42. Marvel or DC? -I dont feel like i should have to answer a question as stupid as this but it will. Obviously Marvel.  43. What object would be on your family’s banner? -probably a gun of some sort 44. Favourite flower? -Dalias  45. One characteristic you like in a partner? -loyalty  46. What planet/star would you travel to if it were possible? -One in the next universe over 47. What is your favourite meal… ever? -tacchino, fagiolini, e riso di Emanuela ovviamente  48. First time…. doing anything. Describe your first time doing something? -my first time visiting new york city. everything was fascinating to me even though I was sick. I think that is what inspired me to want to travel so much. Just experiencing a different culture, and place. Sightseeing and getting turned around in circles. it was exhilarating  49. Who is your favourite superhero? -Probably Starlord 50. What is your favourite poem? Recite it?- When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. -The Peace of Wild Things, Wendell Berry 51. What is an exercise you despise doing? -burpees 52. Secret talent? -I can juggle 53. Current song on replay replay replay? -broken hearts club by gnash 54. Recommend me anything. Seriously… anything. -Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman 55. If you weren’t in your current occupation what would you be doing? -Working for travel writing blog/journal 56. What is the first thing you notice about the person you fancy? -their smile 57. If you had one wish that would definitely come true, what would it be? -for the people in the world to be more kind to one another 58. If you could time travel, when and where would you visit? -I’d go back to the 60s and 70s and travel the US in a volkswagen bus 59. What is your lucky number? -13 60. If you adopt a pet what would it be and what would you name it? -I adopted a dog and her name is Freya 61. Do you believe in fate/everything happens for a reason? -absolutely 62. What is your favourite thing about your personality? -I carry a heart full of compassion 63. What is your favourite thing about your appearance? -my hair 64. What is your favourite clothing store? -uhm, tbh I really love Ross 65. What is your favourite online store? -amazon 66. Use one word to describe your most favourite person? -loving  67. How do you usually have your hair? -in a messy bun 68. What was your favourite subject in high school? -literature (imagine that) 69. What makes you feel empowered? -completing an assignment/project that is perfect  70. What motivates you to do something? -usually stress and anxiety 71. What advice would you give someone who is going through a rough time? -Even on your worst days, when you think you cannot possibly endure anything else, remember that your track record for getting through rough days is 100% and that’s pretty good. 72. Ideal date? -Picnic in a field away from cities and cars and lights. middle of the night, light music and star gazing 73. What is the best date night movie? -beetlejuice obviously  74. What is something you are currently looking forward to? - Vacation with my family 75. Tell me a funny joke? -What do you do when you see a spaceman? - Park your car man! 76. Do you like musicals? If so, what’s your favourite? -yes and wicked or Hamilton 77. What is your favourite song currently? -Feel It Still, PTM 78. What song never fails to make you dance? - see above 79. What is your favourite “classic?” - classic movie? classic book? classic song? 80. What is the best advice you have ever been given? - I thought we’d already been over this.  81. Where did you ancestors come from? -Here and there. Native American, Irish and Welsh. 82. What have you learned from your parents/guardians? -yes mom: never settle, dad: control your temper 83. What is a phrase you heard a lot growing up? -are you hurt? are your bleeding? then why are you crying? 84. Do you believe in magic? -yes 85. What reminds you of your best friend? -music festivals (and almost every other thing in my life) 86. What are you passionate about? -teaching 87. Tell me a story from middle school? -we were in gym one day and they were playing music and letting us dance to it and they played pop, lock and drop it and this girls boob came out.  88. Who was your favourite teacher and why? -Ms. Lindall, fourth grade, she was the most caring and helpful person I had ever met.  89. Can you roll your tongue? -mhm 90. What made you pursue what you are studying? (including school subjects) -Amy Ellison. and my love for reading 91. Where would you like to travel to? -all over, but Im planning an asia trip 92. What is something on your bucket-list? -swim cage free with sharks 93. What is home to you? -home is where the heart is 94. What do you do in your free time? -sleep a lot 95. If you could buy anything right now, what would it be? - an island with my own private beach house 96. If you could see anyone, living or dead, right now, who would it be? -my greatgrandfather moore  97. If you could choose, what would your last meal be? -see about about tacchino 98. How would you like to die? -late, in love and a little drunk 99. List five of your favourite pieces of art (paintings, books, songs etc) -1. Adagio in D minor, 2. Neverwhere by Neil Gaimain, Atlas sculpture by Michaelangelo, Dante’s Inferno by Dante Alighieri, A thousand splendid suns by khaled housseini  100. What would you change about this world? - That everyone had all basic necessities and that people were kind to one another just to be kind. 

[livingbutamireally]

AY2020/2021 Y2S1 Module Reviews

This semester proved to be a pain as expected. Said pain coming mostly from BT2101 and CS2030. Everything was conducted online with the exception of the weekly lab sessions for CS2030 so I only had to go to school for 1 day. F2F CS2030 recitations were optional so I gave up and just watched the recorded zoom session instead of going to school just for a class half way through the semester. I usually miss the live zoom sessions because mine was at 1pm and I am almost always still having lunch at that time and not ready at all. Also i missed about half of my BT2102 tutorials because I simply forgot I had tutorials at that time (2-4pm). They still awarded me nicely for participation much to my surprise (7/10).

BT2101 Decision Making Methods and Tools

BT2102 Data Management and Visualisation

CS2030 Programming Methodology II

GEQ1000 Asking Questions

IS1103 Ethics in Computing

CS2030: Programming Methodology II in Java

Prof: Dr Henry Chia, A.P. Terrence Sim

Weightage:

Weekly labs (5%)

Individual project (15%)

Practical assessment #1 in week 7 (15%)

Practical assessment #2 in week 12 (20%)

Class participation (5%) : includes lab participation, piazza discussions and peer learning activities

Final exam (40%)

CS2030 proved to be intensive not only in the aspect of planning code design but also the actual implementation itself.. (thinking about how to solve the problem and/or get the expected outputs)..  Really struggled my way through the start although that really was only the tip of the iceberg because I had no prior experience in Java and the introductory Winter Workshops were reserved exclusively for freshmen or I missed the deadlines can’t remember.. The first few lectures got us familiar with Java Programming before diving deep into Functional Programming which is a lot harder to grasp vs Object-Oriented Programming which was introduced to us in CS1010S already. The hardest part comes with Streams but honestly after learning streams so many processes can be coded so much more efficiently as compared to OOP, really simplifies some of the tasks when using FP rather than OOP. Interesting to note that this streams part ties in well with BT2102′s coding part where we learnt aggregation pipelines in MongoDB and MySQL i believe the concepts felt similar??

Weekly Labs

Pretty manageable imo , compared to the project ofc (rolls eyes)

This semester they changed things up a bit and shifted all the weekly labs deadlines to finals so we had more control in terms of time management and our progress in the labs. Naturally we are expected to do them every week but say we are busy in a certain week for other modules we can always come back on another. I was always behind by like a month compared to my friends who were more on task.

Individual Project

Project part 1 was still okay for the Discrete Event Simulator (DES) basically designing a system for customers to queue and be served and recording the relevant work done at the appropriate times using OOP.

The hardest part was project part 2 where you had to rewrite the whole chunk in part 1 FP style and also they added a lot of more complex simulations and cases which I really just gave up entirely after completing level 2.

It was so hard it was traumatic. Level 3 had something to do with importing a random number generator and the test cases only get more confusing and long i just really had no brain cells left for the work worth only 7% before deducting late submissions penalty (bc brain slow LOL) and the code design criteria and checkstyles. I was so mad that it takes up so much time and effort just to be worth a petty 7% that I gave up entirely didnt even finish reading the questions (which was also pretty darn long). Sorry i am dumb. Please be proud of me I am trying my best.

I have zero idea who in the department decided to rig the difficulty of this project by so much up compared to previous semesters. They really expected too much out of us i am so sorry to disappoint.

Practical Assessments 

Basically similar to weekly lab exercises but you have to do it within the time frame during a lab session. You get to take home and re-edit the code to get the full marks and are moderated according to the changes you made compared to the one submitted during the PA itself. That also means if you do not submit the correct full marks version of the code in a week, you do not get moderated and will be awarded with the marks scored in lab which is obviously 0 for me I had over 70 compilation errors and you might be thinking how. But trust me i am too, confused how. Most people will score around 0-2m in lab but taking it home and refining the whole code with minimal changes and will be graded according to the amount of changes made to get the final code. Tests you how close you can get to the correct outputs within the time frame whether you already had it in your head.

Final Exam

Comes in MCQs, a few case questions consisting of subparts if i remembered correctly some of which required you to write out a possible code (2-3 lines) converting oop to streams, synchronous to asynchronous etc. There are plenty resources (pyps) floating around in the gc so you can use them well for revision.

Theoretical content was tested i dont really know how to put in words but you may be able to code well even though you may have some of the concepts wrong

We only did pure coding work in labs, projects and practical assessments so this really reinforces your understanding of the material

Considering I didnt finish project part 2 this is quite a decent grade already really thankful i dont have to go through this ordeal again. See you never.

BT2101: Decision Making Methods and Tools

Professor: Rudy Sentiono, A.P. Huang Zhiyong

Weightage:

Group project (20%)

Written assignments - 3x 5% (15%)

Tutorial participation (5%)

Midterm - open book (20%)

Finals - open book (40%)

This is the second module that I have been struggling with since the start of the semester. Tutor changed after the first session, the former tutor was much better and clearer in her explanations. This is quite a math-intensive course and requires some knowledge of linear algrebra and thus the pre-requisities. Maths has never been my strong suit (well except in primary school) so I struggled hard with this module. Nearing the end we learnt about deep learning neural networks which was pretty interesting and really broadened my perspectives on the future of machine learning. The pace was okay, but the lecturer seems to just repeat the words on the lecture slides in his lectures. The lectures were seemingly simplified from the reference texts he used but is nevertheless still daunting to look at to revise. Project was a 4-5 people groupwork where we had to conduct all the stages of data analytics from data exploration, cleaning of data to data mining, conclusions etc. There were an additional 3 assignments that we had to do together with our groupmates by the stipulated deadlines. This module requires a lot of work and preparation. Am glad to be able to pass.

BT2102: Data Management and Visualisation

Weightage:

Assignment 1 (Group):  25 marks

Assignment 2 (Individual): 35 marks

Assignment 3 (Group):  30 marks

Class Participation: 10 marks (Participation in Tutorials and Group Assignment Discussions)

IS1103: Ethics in Computing

Weightage:

FPAQ (50%)

Missions (50%)

Expected Grade: B+

Final Grade: A-

For this module, all 13 missions are to be done by the last date of submission for finals which was a 300 question quiz held on LumiNUS. Missions are assigned weekly where we go to the WordPress website the professor has built, a server that he regularly does maintenance on and in it he uses a tracker to track our progress through clicking links and submitting short answer questions sometimes. Most of them were done by clicking of links and we were told to disable our Adblockers if any to prevent interruptions or his system not capturing our data. We were encouraged to do it weekly although the deadline was the end of the semester. One of the missions included us doing some Linux practice penetration questions on Kali, it was a bit tough but other than that the other missions were pretty simple and straightforward. After every mission done we were to do a practice PAQ which is not graded and upon submission would give us the model answers to study in preparation for FPAQ the final week submission. PAQ consists of 5 themes * 7 questions = 35 questions, whereas FPAQ has 300 over questions to be done over the span of a week, the reading week. Carpal tunnel.

GEQ1000: Asking Questions

Weightage: 

Tutorial attendance/participation (36%)

Forum participation - forum 1 and 2 (14%)

MCQ quiz (36%)

Final paper (14%)

This is a general education module everyone in NUS is required to take. I dont think I learned much so I am really only there to go through the motion. There are a few pillars that the department touches on mainly Physics, Engineering, Design, etc to show how the different disciplinary courses are interconnected and how/why is questioning important. Really low maintenance course, we do a 6 or 10 MCQ quiz every week prior to the lecture for that pillar. Tutorial was online via zoom and really low workload in general. Final week was on design and we had to make a wallet for our partner and explain why or how we chose the designs, and also submitting a word essay on our reflections of things we learned.

Update. I only pray to hover above or maintain at this current CAP lemao PLEASE YOU NEED TO

[lightamidstthestorm]

how He called me for the first time

For some reason that’s probably beyond me, I’ve been telling myself the story of my Faith for a few days now. I don’t know if there’s a reason behind it, if God wants me to talk about it for some reason - but I feel called to write about it and post it here. I’m learning not to question what I think might be His plan, so here we go. Part 1.

This is a very long account on how I felt Jesus calling me for the first time ever. Excuse any grammar mistakes - I’m too lazy to go and check whatever I just wrote.

I was raised Catholic, going to a Catholic school since the age of 5. I grew up hearing about God, about Jesus. I took the first Communion at... 8? 9? and went to Mass once or twice a year, at school.

I’m torn on how I felt about God, though. On one hand, I remember feeling like I believed more than my classmates, and on the other, I also know I already (from the age of 13 or 14 I guess?) had problems with the Church, saying things like why is the Vatican so rich if Jesus tells us to sell our stuff - and if people are literally starving? 

He started showing Himself more to me at 15. V randomly I see now, a woman I knew recommended me a book about angels, by a catholic author from my country. I read it - and read the other 15 books he had, because I was marveled. I learnt so much there - about angels at first, but then about Christianity, about Jesus, about miracles, and so on. 

That same year, a group of actors that belonged to a Movement in the Catholic church (”The Movement of the Word of God”) came to perform to our school, and they went classroom by classroom inviting us to join them, acting or helping put together the play. I remember I wrote my name down but never actually showed up. After the play happened, though, and for reasons I don’t understand now since I was even more socially awkward then than I am now, I did join them. I don’t remember if I liked the play that much or what, but I conviced a friend to go with me and go to one of their meetings.

They were a group of 20 young people that got together on mondays to practise (they were doing the life of St. Francis at the time), and everything was very chill and relaxed - it was just a group of friends. There was praying at the end and the beginning of the meetings - my first actual praying experience beyond reciting the Lord’s Prayer every morning.

I felt good there. It felt nice to be surrouded by people that believed in God too, people who talked about him. I remember at the end of every meeting, we’d sit in a circle to talk about what we’d done, what we’d learnt and what we thought God was trying to show us, and then pray - and I couldn’t shake the image of Jesus sitting down cross-legged in the middle of that circle (”where two or three gather in my name there am I with them”).

Half a year later, Easter came, and me and the other guys from my school that had also joined the group were invited to the Easter retreat the Movement organized. It’s basically an  retreat during Holy Week, that anyone can take part in - and not an overnight thing, so we’d go home after each day and come back early the next day.

It was crazy.

I remember before the day came I asked one guy at the group what it was like, what we’d do. He simply said “you’ll get close to Jesus”. And boy, was he right.

I was only going to take part in the first day, Thursday, because I volunteered at two dog shelters at the time and was going to visit them on Friday and Saturday. As soon as Thursday finished I knew there was no way I wasn’t gonna be there for the rest of it.

It literally began with a... sermon? centered around when Jesus called Peter. “Follow me and i will make you fishers of men.” “ And when they had brought their boats to land, they left everything and followed him “ I instantly felt He was talking to me, and thus decided to dith everything I had planned for that weekend and stay there. 

That night, I had a weird dream that I was in the church (the retreat took place in a school that’s connected to a huge church, to which of course we had access to) - but I guess I was half awake, because I remember being aware of the fact that I was laying down and thinking “I can’t sleep here” - and I’d sit up in my bed. Then of course I’d feel really tired because it was in fact like 3am lol and I’d lay back again - only to sit up again and keep praying. It was very, very vivid - so imagine our surprise when, on that second day of retreat, a girl that had joined the acting group almost at the same time as me and who I had became friends with told me she’d had the same dream. An older member of the Movement told us he thought it might be we felt so comfortable at that church we somehow came back - and I do feel it can be the case.

Anyways, Friday. The Cross.

It was absolutely crazy and wonderful.

As I said, I grew up hearing about Jesus. Jesus is the Son of God, Jesus loves us, Jesus died for our sins. 

But noone actually bothered in explaining why or how. I loved Jesus, and I didn’t question anything, but now I realize I had no idea of anything regarding him - how did the death of a guy 2000 years ago save me? What did it have to do with my sins?

Well, the “sermon” that day basically explained that to me, and I remember everything made sense for the first time. We talked about the Cross, about our personal crosses, and it was overally amazing. Of course, with the understanding of the Cross began the realization that an actual person had gone through all that calvary because of me. Someone loved me enough to be crucified for me. It was an epiphany.

After each sermon, we’d pray - and in that group prayer, we sang a song that literally changed my life. It’s name in English would be “Nobody loves you like I do” and you guessed it, it’s like it was sung by Jesus. The lyrics are beautiful and I don’t think I’ve ever been more sure that Jesus was talking to me. (I’m tearing up just remembering it). The full song is here but it begins with “How much I've waited for this moment; how much I've waited for you to be like this; how much I've waited for you to talk to me; how much I've waited for you to come to me”. Keep in mind I had just understood how much he truly loves me and how real he was like fifteen minutes before - and you can probably get an idea of how I felt in that moment. 

After each “sermon” and group prayer we’d have half an hour to go meditate and pray on our own, and I’d always choose to go to the church. That time, I remember looking at the Cross and just thinking that’s an actual thing that happened, that’s a real human being that went through all that pain for me and man, it was crazy.

That same Friday, during luch, someone told me I should watch the Passion. I say I didn’t want to, because I’d never been able to. Still, that night, I decided to sit down at my computer and try - and I remember as soon as it started I thought “oh, wouldn’t it be nice if they were showing this on TV so I could watch it in a bigger screen”.

Guess what happened next. Yeah, I stood up, turned on the TV and found the movie at almost the exact part I’d paused it. I guess He did want me to see it, with these new eyes I’d just gotten.

Saturday was more chill than Friday, there was this cheerful mood around because we were all waiting for the Resurrection!! and it was also the day where He confirmed me he wanted me to ditch everything and follow him.

Thing is, this Movement has a “system” of communities - praying groups that get together once a week to pray and to receive... I guess you can call them sermons? Cathechism lessons? The idea is to walk your Faith with others and learn more about it. There’s “levels”, and the Initiation 1 group is open until Pentecost, then it closes and the community or group that was formed stays like that until... well, forever, if you don’t choose to leave.

By then, I was considering the idea of joining it. But the meetings were on Saturdays, and Saturdays were the only day I could go to this dog shelter - something I’d been doing for more than four years at the time. Joining the group meant letting go of that. 

After the “sermon”, and when we had our private praying moment, I asked Him what to do. I asked if I He wanted that for me, to join that group. I asked Him for a sign, because I didn’t know what to do.

I finished my prayer and went downstairs to join everyone for lunch.

Immediately after we said Grace, and before I could even start eating - the same guy from the theater group that had told me I’d “get closer to Jesus” randomly approached me and said “come with me for a second, I have something for you.” He led me to the room where his community got together for the sermons and activities, took a brand new notebook out of his backpack and giving it to me, said “this is for you to write down and record your ‘process’” (process was a word we’d use when talking about our walking with Jesus - that’s the best way I can explain it).

There we go, there’s your sign.

I wasn’t particularly close to this guy. I was still new to the group, he quite older than me and we’d probably talked four times altogether - and yet he felt like getting a notebook, decorating it with some Bible verses and giving it to me.

That’s how it started for me. That’s how I first heard Him call me.

I still failed Him, and He had to call me twice more, but those are stories I’m gonna write about later.

[jiminelli]

#MONSTAXinBerlin Experience

hey everybody. some of you might know that MONSTA X recently finished their European tour in Moscow and previously visited Berlin and Paris. I was lucky enough to visit their show in Berlin and even get a group picture ticket. Sadly, this trip was not as fun as it was supposed to be. The concert was amazing and the boys were incredible but everything before and after the concert was a disaster. I know it sounds lame but it’s still kind of hard to talk about it so it took me several days to finish this post, therefore please excuse any grammatical errors. Here I am now, to tell you everything that happened:

Sasaeng fans 1.0

Let’s start with the sasaeng fans. There were different… let’s call them events, happening with sasaeng fans at the concert in Berlin. My friends and I arrived in Berlin on Thursday, the concert was on Friday. We arrived around 12pm and went into our hotels. After checking in, three of us wanted to see if we can find the arena easily with the city map, you know, so we wouldn’t struggle the next day. So we went to the arena, which was like 8 minutes away from our hotel by walk and let me tell you, we almost had a stroke or something. One of my friends had arrived a day earlier as she was staying for her vacation there as well and had messaged us at 7am on Thursday while we were still in the train on our way that people were already lining up in front of the arena. We didn’t take it serious and told her to stay calm; who would have thought those people were actually staying there 37 hours before the concert was supposed to even start? So when we arrived at the arena at 1pm, about 100 people were already chilling there. 

Now, this didn’t start on its own. There was one specific girl who ruined this experience for all of us and I swear if I would have seen her that day, I probably would have slapped her or something. I’m not pro-violence but jesus, this girl is the devil in person. Apparently she wasn’t even German but Italian and she got herself some Portuguese and German supporters, all underage and wannabe hoes or some crazy sh*t like that. So, usually at K-Pop concerts over here in Europe, there are people (fans) who organize the merchandise and like fan events and everything, so drama and chaos would be avoided. They also do the numbering, which is usually combined with checkup times, so you don’t have to stay in front of the arena the whole day. But this girl thought, she could just start a numbering on her own and started giving out numbers at like 11am on Thursday (remember, the concert was Friday), giving herself and her followers, the first few numbers. By doing this, a mass panic broke out and hundreds of people rushed in front of the arena to line up and get a good spot for the concert. 

Organisation

One of my friends had booked a hotel right in front of the arena, so when she saw all the people starting to line up and handing out numbers, she rushed down and called us, basically screaming at us to move and get a number. Our group of friends was divided into three smaller groups though, everybody chilling somewhere else. At this point, none of us moved because that friend is usually one to break into panic mode without any reason, so all of us kept chilling until like 6pm. The promoter of the concert had arrived and “officially confirmed” the numbering and added this: everybody who had a number until 6pm was allowed to go home until 2am. Then they’d have to come back in front of the arena and line up again to keep the numbers, until 10am where the official wristband distribution was supposed to be held. Anybody who did not have a number until 6pm would have to stay in front of the arena the whole night until 10am to keep their spot in line. Two of our three groups managed to rush to the arena and get themselves numbers but my group was in the middle of Berlin having dinner/lunch. The reason why I say “officially confirmed” is because that - excuse my language - asshole appeared for like one second, laughed at all the kids waiting in front of the arena and thought “okay lol that’s funny, let’s just keep doing that, without giving them shelter and any form of security” and left again as people started complaining. As an adult and as the responsible person of this whole event, you can’t just let teenagers sleep in the open in front of a building. It was storming, we had an actual thunderstorm happening from like 1am until 4am, soaking everybody who stayed in front of the arena from head to toe and leaving them like a block of ice. They did not provide any form of medical help to keep them warm or from dehydrating, nor did they let them get inside of the arena or even under the roof so none of the kids would get wet. Another thing is that many of the people sleeping on the streets were underage. I don’t know how it is in other countries but in Germany, if you’re underage you can only stay outside until midnight. If you’re under 16 it’s 10pm as far as I know. But that didn’t bother neither security, nor the promoter. 

My friends, who got numbers around 6pm, went back to the arena at 2am and stayed there the whole night. I don’t want to sound dramatic but they’re honestly traumatized from that experience. It wasn’t just a little rain that came down that night. We had severe storm warnings for that night. Me and two other friends who did not get a number ignored the promoter and did not stay the whole evening and night, like boi who the f do you think we are?? All of my friends were 18+ so it was our own decision what we’d do. My other two friends and I decided to show up around 5am to at least get a decent spot in line. When we showed up, I was honestly in complete shock. My friends looked horrible and the security didn’t even care how they felt. Not even about the small children in line. Many had left during the night because it just got too much. A lot even felt so bad that they started selling their tickets. Honestly guys, I don’t know how to put it into words so that you can even get a little glimpse of how horrible it was. We tried to lift those up who had been waiting since 2am and took care of each other. the security had said that we cannot leave the line until 10am but all of us made a deal that we would be able to leave the line if we just told each other where we’d be going like to the bathroom or to change into dry clothes and things like that. 

During the first 5hours that we waited, so many rumors spread that I can’t even recite them all. It was a mess. Such a mess that even fights between VVIPs and VIPs broke out. VVIP was the highest ticket category which officially included a Hi Touch OR Group Photo and front row. VIP was the normal standing ticket behind VVIP. Naturally, everybody thought that VVIP would be let in first and then VIP but security kept changing plans. First they said, we would be let in together, then they said it’s going to be 50 VVIP and then 50 VIP, always switching. We went crazy, honestly. VVIP started arguing that it wasn’t fair because we paid much more money for our tickets and on the websites where tickets were sold, they promised you front row tickets but if VIP is let in at the same time, there is no way for all VVIP to be in front row. VIP argued back that it was only fair because they had also been waiting there the whole night and deserved front row tickets (gurl, should have just spent the money and bought some then but whatever). For the following 5 hourse they kept changing plans, misinformed us over and over again until at 10am MyMusicTaste posted a statement and said that VVIP will be let in first, followed by VIP and then seated tickets.

Now, at 10am we were supposed to get our wristbands but guess what? We didn’t. We had to wait until 11:30 to get the wristbands and they told us to be back at 3pm otherwise we’d lose our number in line. So all of us went back to our hotels, tired and exhausted as hell and the first thing all of us did was sleep. At 3pm we were back at the arena and the security had managed to organize everything a little better and divided the lines into sections so it would be easier to have an overview, which was great. But then when we lined up again and it was again past 3pm, we asked a security guard when they would do the check-up, so we could go have lunch or something - none of the securities knew about a check-up. They had again spread false information and everyone had turned up for nothing. We were honestly about to lose it. From there on, everything went by okay, it started raining around 5 or 6pm again but me and my friends had super sexy plastic ponchos to keep us at least kind of save from the rain.

Let’s jump forward to the concert: The concert itself was lit af like no lie, it was one of the best concerts I’ve been on. (If you want to hear more about the concert itself, leave a message in my inbox otherwise this is only going to be even longer) But again, the security. They didn’t let us film and literally attacked us with their flashlights so we would put our phones away. For me personally, it wasn’t really such a big of a deal because my phone is shitty anyway and the pictures never turn out great but some people wanted to at least take one video or picture as a piece of memory, you know. One security guard even ran up to people and did this hand movement to them after blinding them with his flashlight:

It was scary af like dude we get it, we’re not allowed to film BUT CAN YOU NOT THREATEN OUR LIVES FFS???? 

Another thing that was really inhuman, was water distribution. Now, I don’t know who to blame for this because I have no idea of these people were also security or just staff from the arena but this was one of the most inhuman acts I’ve ever witnessed during concerts. Normally, security has a bunch of water bottles lying at their sides to distribute them during the concert, especially if they see that some are having trouble with their circulation. Not during this concert. They freaking sold the water for - grab onto your chairs - 4,50EURO. For each tiny bottle of water which maybe held 300ml, they wanted 4,50€. I thank God that the Monbebes around me were some of the sweetest people ever because some would actually buy a bottle of water and share it with everyone around them. So many people got dragged out during the concert because security would not give them water. The boys were worried like crazy, especially in the end when girls fainted in front of their eyes as they were conversing with us. Security should be there to keep the artist AND the fans safe, not treat the fans like garbage.

Which brings me to the last point of security treating us like sh*t and leading to sasaeng fans 2.0. Most of my friends (and I) had chosen the group photo ticket instead of Hi Touch. We had already heard rumors earlier that we would be 20 fans on one picture, instead of maximum 10 like they usually do. We didn’t think much of it because many things that had been said before were also just false information so no second thought was spared. As the concert finished, security again failed to organized us properly into two different sections: Hi Touch and Group Photo. It took them forever. When Hi Touch finished, it was our turn to take the pictures and security created four lines for 20 people each, so that it would be easier for them to let people in. My friends and I were 10 people in total and we hoped that if we went in last, we’d get a picture with only us on it. It was a chaos again, so we went in some time in the middle and security wanted us to go in with another group that were already 12 people. We were like “hell no, we ain’t gonna be 22 fans plus 7 members on one damn picture” so we talked to the only nice security guard there and he let us wait, so we could go in as the first ones for the next picture. Which leads me to the next disaster:

Sasaeng Fans 2.0

Before I explained what happened, I want all of you to know that in no way I’m saying that fansites are crazy, stalking psychos that don’t know how to behave. This is just my experience with two explicit fansites and maybe they’re not even usually like this but this whole chaos just made them lose their shit, I have no idea.

Anyway, so my friend walked around the corner behind the wall where the boys were standing and the first thing she does is start running, jump and throw her jumper across the room so it would not be on the picture with her. Now you have to imagine a tall, very skinny girl, running like a giraffe, not even glancing at anyone but Wonho and awkwardly throwing her jumper at a security guard - all seven started laughing and security lost their shit. I went in second, trying to bow and say 안녕하세요 to every single member while all security guards yelled at us to keep walking to the end of the line. I stopped in front of Shownu and Wonho who were the two last ones but these two fansites sprinted their way over to us and boxed me out of the way so that I stumbled to the side to Kihyun who was standing next to Shownu. He opened his arms for me, as if inviting me to stand next to him and as I moved closer, security screamed at us again to sit down in front of the guys. We weren’t even allowed to stand next to them. So I knelt down in front of Kihyun and one of the fansites apparently was a Kihyun fansite because lord help me, I’ve never seen look at someone like this. Never. And I never want to see this expression ever again, I feel like it might haunt me in my dreams. Kihyun even moved away from them and he looked so frightened, it was heartbreaking. This is not how you treat another person, idols are just as human as us. I was sitting on my knees and then another security guard screamed that we were squishing the boys and that we should move forward - which I want to mention, was so unnecessary because the boys just followed us to the front and leaned into us anyway. Honestly, I felt actually kind of humiliated because I had to scoot forward like a little kid while Kihyun was standing right behind me. My friends had it even worse, apparently they weren’t fast enough for security and they got pushed, making several of them fall over and onto each other. Minhyuk and Changkyun even stretched their hands out for them, trying to help them up and keep them in place, like c’mon security?? Just give us 2 more seconds and we would move. The boys were so worried that we were harmed and the security just kept screaming at us. One girl moved so she was sitting next to Wonho but that was also not okay according to security so they threatened to kick her out if she didn’t move to the front, making us all go even quieter. There are no words to express how frightened we all were in that moment. The only thing that I clearly remember from the actual second of taking the picture is Kihyun leaning over me as if making sure, I was okay. It lasted maybe three seconds and then security ran up to us, grabbed us and made ups stand up again, shoving us out. While being pushed out, I wanted to at least thank someone from the boys and the only one that I had some kind of chance to look in the eyes was Wonho because he was the last one in line. Honestly, I will never forget his worried expression when I thanked him. He looked at me as if to makes sure I was fine and his eyes were actually full of hurt. Like guys, I’m not kidding. They all care so much for their fans and that’s the only thing that helped me not to cry over this traumatizing event. Because we could feel and see that the boys did not want this for us. They wanted to interact with us, they wanted to talk with us and help us. They tried and from what my other friends told me who had Hi Touch, they actually managed to push some of the bodyguards off the fans. 

One girl who is going to be on the same group picture as me, took a voice recording of our picture and you can hear the chaos. You can even hear my 감사합니다 at Wonho lol. The recording only lasts 57 seconds and that’s exactly how long it took them to traumatize us and kick us out again. I don’t think I have anything left to say, except that Paris seemed to have a very similar experience and I really hope that nobody will ever have to go through that again. My legs and some parts of my arms are still bruised and as hard as I try, the anxious feeling thinking about the group photo experience is not going away. 

If you have any questions regarding the concert itself or anything mentioned in this post, feel free to leave me a message in my inbox. I’m sorry this post is so long but I tried to explain everything that happened so that those of you who made it through the post, get a better impression.  

I hope all of you still have a nice day/night and keep or start supporting our boys MONSTA X ♥

[todokori-kun]

I APOLOGIZE, QUEEN LUNA. PLEASE ALLOW ME TO BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS-

(tbh the reason I don’t play them is because I don’t really play any kind of game XD I’ve played a few free things on the internet but other than that, not much)

OMG thanks for the link! I might try it out soon :D (And wow, Rumpel. Just, wow.)

WAIT, IS THAT LADY A DATEABLE CHARACTER

Urie/Saiko is so freaking adorable :3 and it’s the worst thing ever that it does have some canon evidence but Ishida keeps teasing us like: *gives some nice, cute Urie/Saiko material*

Fandom: AWWW is it gonna be canon? Are they actually gonna be happy for a while???

Ishida: *gives Mutsurie scene with Urie clearly pining over Mutsuki while Mutsuki’s just talking about Kaneki*

Fandom: …of course.

TYSM <333 I’ll get it to you as soon as I can :D

HxH is definitely a lot of fun! I’d like to recommend Hisoka’s character song (‘Kyousou requiem’) to you because W O W

I got to the part where Father’s ‘creating’ humans. That was freaky. Tbh though my favorite parts of this volume might have been Pride’s defeat and Kimblee’s farewell…that was perfect. I actually sorta like Kimblee now. Of course, I’d never want to meet him irl and he’s still a terrible person, but at least he never betrays his own beliefs.

(I know that Roy will get his eyesight back next volume so that’s good, but Greed’s…gonna die, isn’t he? Uuugh)

I have come to conquer you puny humans with the power of feels. Fear me.

Wait, does that mean you relate to Al or that you think I’m like Al? Sorry, got a bit confused there ^^;;

I’m Hohenheim minus his awesome moments. The bad social skills, the awkwardness, the way he honestly TRIES to be a nice, normal person even if it hardly ever works out…the more I see of him the more I feel like I’ve never related this much to a fictional character (except maybe Kaneki).

You really do remind me of Riza and Winry. The strength, the resolve, the wit and caring=100% Queen Luna.

Ed is frankly a little creeped out that the Colonel even thought that HE, Edward Elric, barely a teenager, could or would steal his girlfriend.

(I headcanon that Ed and Queen Luna are actually BFFs and team up to prank Roy.

Roy always feels so betrayed because whenever he’s doing something totally, not at all stupid, his girlfriend always sides with Fullmetal. “Luna, what did I do. Did I forget to do the dishes again. Was it the extremely cheesy and badly written explicit romance book I bought you on Valentines day. That was a joke, please forgive me”

Also he is extremely salty when he realizes you chose Water Alchemy as your specialty. He had enough of the constant rain jokes from Edward and Riza’s comments about him being useless on rainy days, and now this. The world is too cruel.

(But no matter how grumpy and passive-aggressive he gets when you beat him, of course he’s the proudest when you make good use of your skills. Like when you destroy an enemy in combat- especially if the enemy was underestimating you “That’s MY girlfriend, and she is amazing”))

Yeah, Air Alchemy could actually be one of the most dangerous types if you knew how to use it…Medicinal Alchemy/Alkahestry is still my thing though ^^

(‘peaceful’ do you know how I look when I play the piano and nobody’s around. Dude. That’s when I go rage mode and start playing the loudest, wildest songs ever like He’s a Pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean LOL)

That’s still adorable though omg ;-; the sad thing though is that it would be easy for him to not realize that I have anxiety and assume that I just didn’t like him, because like I said, I’d probably be ok with Mei and Yoki would be easy enough for me to talk to as well (people like Yoki either make me laugh or frustrate me and in the end I’d probably end up snapping at him). Then Queen Luna would come along and I’d suddenly become super talkative.

And when he walked into the room I’d either automatically shut up or give Queen Luna a look like “please take me out of here I don’t want to embarrass myself”.

(Would Queen Luna help me, though?)

Mei’s view of Ed is the ultimate Expectation vs. Reality.

Yep, I really want to know OC’s real name ;-; (I think I’d probably slip up and keep calling him Ciel for a while tho lol). And yeah, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens the next chapter…all this chapter really gave me was hints of insecurity from OC?

IT’S THE STAR SPANGLED MAN WITH A PLAN

Looking forward to your reaction :) (probably a lot of tears)

OMG that sounds so cool! Like, natural, 'ginger’ red or bright red? Either way I bet you’re gonna look amazing, Queen Luna <3

(P.S: You know I mentioned a piano recital? It’s not happening. There was an incident with the teachers at the place where I was learning piano so I don’t go there anymore.

Basically, my mom was already sort of frustrated, because they also teach violin there and my litle sister used to learn violin- the teacher told us we’d have to come way earlier for lessons because she was busy with other lessons too, so we did, but she was like literally never on time? We came early but my little sister had to have piano lessons first because the violin teacher didn’t show up until later. So there was that.

And then there was the thing where they just didn’t let us decide the lesson times at all? Like, always “we’re too busy at that time, that’s too early, too many children at that time…” and they were kinda rude about it too (also once I went there at a later time and there actually weren’t that many kids? Wth)

Then they sent my mom a message. You know how usually you have to study with music theory books too when you learn how to use an instrument? My little sister’s only five (turning six this August) and she was often tired out from soccer lessons by the time she went to piano, so my mom asked the teachers if she could just not do music theory when she was too tired. they agreed.

But the message was basically 'she keeps saying she doesn’t want to do music theory and when we let her rest she keeps wandering around and bothering other people/interrupting other people’s lessons’. Like, ok, if she’d been doing stuff like that since the beginning we could understand that, but I had piano lessons at around the same time as her and she literally just sat and read books when her lessons are over and she’s not doing music theory? Also, until that message all the teachers just kept telling us what a wonderful, intelligent student she was and there was literally no mention of her bothering anyone so it was like??? what is this???

And when my mom called the teacher and asked her about the message she was like “I don’t see how that’s rude, please stop being so pushy/bossy, also I was always on time for the violin lessons what are you talking about?” Just. Wow.

When we went to pick up our music books after mom said we weren’t going to take lessons there anymore, one of the teachers came out and kept gushing about how 'Evans and her sister were SUCH amazing students, we’ll be so sad to see them go’ and she hugged me? tbh it felt really awkward and I was screaming internally through the whole thing because WOW I hate being touched by people I’m not close with lol)

*ahem* before anything: If I ever hear you say another word about your art being bad, I swear I’ll throw myself out of the window. Because it’s actually adorable?? I cry?? Touka’s hair truly looks fluffy and I LOVE the way you drew her lips. So, please, have faith in yourself, your art is absolutely gorgeous! 

Well, Otome games aren’t for everyone, tbh. I have a friend who gets easily embarrassed and she honestly can’t play them because… well, gets embarrassed at them. You should’ve seen her face when I first showed her the games, especially when the flirting began XD

I have finished the whole game. (No, you can’t date her T_T) All the endings, good and bad. 10 of them. My heart is in pieces. I wanna cry.  OKAY SMOL BRIEFING ON THE REMAINING CHARACTERS!

This is Fritz! He’s MC’s personal knight and a professional cinnamon roll. His route honestly made me so emotional (;﹏;) Not as emotional as the last one, though. He’s my 3rd favourite of the 5! His bad end was the worst of them all, though. I actually started crying. It was 1am when I did it. I wonder what my mom would’ve said if she’d seen me, at 1am, crying over a fictional character.

And last but (definitely) not least, my fave <3

Waltz- he has the Neverland curse, which means he remains as a boy until it’s broken.

This is after he breaks it. Damn. Other than the fact that his story is a trope I really love, he’s also a generally nice person, with a personality better than most of the dateable character. Also, his route is considered to be the ‘True’ route, the one you’re supposed to play last, because it has most spoilers.  I cry.

Okok, enough with ‘Luna reviews Otome Games’

And then you realise they meant it in the ‘conceal yourself’ way, not HIdeyoshi.Fuck.

Well, the Urie/Saiko was cute? BUT THAT’S IT?? Where’s the dramatic reveal? The confession =3= ((Luna is forgetting that this isn’t a romance manga))

Ishida is giving us mixed signals. 

Yeah, Kimblee’s farewell does make you wanna respect him. At least he didn’t try to be someone else. Pride was cute, tho. He was a demon who’d kill without a second thought, but he was a cute demon.

Yep, Roy does see again. …. Aha. I cry. But at least he dies heroically? 

I’m gonna get a stronger flask. That way you’ll never be able to escape muhahahahahhahaha

You’re like Al! Absolutely adorable!

Yet, badass at the same time!

Well, at least you’re not as insane as Kaneki? You definitely have more mental stability than him.

Honestly, if I was at the age where it’s socially acceptable to date Mustang, then I’m definitely not at the age when it’s socially acceptable to date Ed, and vice-versa. It’s ridiculous how he feels threatened by a kid XD On the other hand, there is a Xingese prince, now emperor ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Honestly, we’d prank him so much XD I’m pretty sure it’d mostly involve water. And rainy days.  Maybe his umbrella would conveniently disappear during those days. Or his hair would accidentally turn pink. Whoops.  Who knows, maybe I partly chose Water Alchemy to spite him XD

I think Medicinal Alchemy would be very, very appreciated in Amestris, especially considering there is none of it there. You’d be able to make mad money hahah But you’d also help a lot of people, so that’s admirable as well ^^

… Let’s pretend you were inspired to play a song that was peaceful for once and you’re feeling the peace. So you surprise him some other night by playing something he definitely didn’t expect

That’s why I’m there to help you! To show him that you just need a bit of time to warm up to people and maybe whisper a few hints to how to get you to warm up into his ear! So he realises you’re only a bit intimidated, and tries to lessen that effect.  I’d also ask Mei to help you. Probably offering something related to Al in return XD

Yeah, he’s definitely insecure. I mean, he didn’t say a single thing back and he calls himself a spare. That’s depressing. I just want him to be happy. After all the suffering he went through, he deserves it.

Is... is it cap?

I’m scared. But then again, I’m always scared when you recommend me something.

I think it’s supposed to be flame red? But since I have naturally darker hair, it’s possible that it’ll be more ginger-ish, because the dye won’t be so visible. Who knows, we’ll see ^^

Whaa?? That all seems really, really uncomfortable, especially the hugging. I mean, why. They really seem two-faced. But, maybe it’s for the best. At least now you don’t have to worry about freezing up during the recital? Will you continue playing the piano, though? It’d be a shame if you let the skills go to waste. You can always practice with anime music/songs you like if Bach and Mozart get boring :P

[utanotranslations]

Blog Post Translation: January 27th, 2019: 26* Adult PreCure

Enjoy, and please don’t repost without credit!

BEYOOOOONDS

This is Satoyoshi Utano! <3

Today is Sunday! Everyone, what did you do?? Today, I had work in the morning!

Yesterday, I did a lot of power charges so I could do my best!

It's also exam season, And since it's bitterly cold when you get up in the morning...... Everyone, here's a cheer ball today too! BEYOOOOONDS *****

Getting up in the morning! Doing your best!! Since it's Sunday, and everyone has all earned this for themselves, please rest up nicely okay * I hope it's a wonderful day <3

Well then! Today, I decided that I definitely want to talk about this......

PreCure!

Since I was little, I've loved PreCure!! * (By the way, I am of the generation of Futari wa PreCure~PreCure 5 eras <3 <3) The characters and story, Even though it's for kids, you're able to enjoy it from another perspective when you're older, since it's deep!!

So then, I have to say this at the beginning but...... The voice actors and the category of "anime" is not what I have information on......

Like Harry Potter and Kasouken no Onna, I like it!! I think that, and I'm the type to get wrapped up in learning about it lol One of them is PreCure......! (Sailor Moon and Glass no Kamen too!) Today, I think I'll talk about that PreCure

One photo with my goods

Today, "HUGtto! PreCure" airs, And today is the last episode!!!!! (That's the reason for why today's blog is about PreCure!) Ahhhhh, I'm sad!! :'( I haven't been able to watch it yet, but when I go home, I'll watch the recording, And I'll watch it while crying...... T_T When I watched it last week, I cried too lololololol

In HugPre, I like Cure Amour/Ruru Amour <3

My other favourite characters from the past are Cure Custard <3 Cure Macaron <3 Cure Magical <3 Cure Rhythm <3 Cure Pine <3 Milky Rose <3 Cute White <3 And so on...... Basically, I like the purple Cure, and sometimes the yellow Cure and White Cure <3 <3 <3 Next week, the newest show, "Star * Twinkle PreCure" starts, and I predict that I'll like the purple Cure as always, Cute Selene <3 Also, also! I love the fairies, too! Mipple, Porun, Koko, Milk, Shipure, Kofure, Popuri, Mofurun and so on ***

For HugPre, I thought that until now, it was more of an adult story than ever before! First of all, the evil organization has the motif? Of a company, like that!!

Boss=President Minion=Employee It's like that, They have employee ID cards, and the employees have managerial positions like department manager head and so on...... It's an anime that I think would be kind of hard to understand for kids, but it's interesting LOL

And! The theme of PreCure is also work!! Through various encounters with people and work experiences, the characters who are troubled by their own futures, the selection, and the opening up of the future! Just like when I was choosing my courses and the audition, I emphasized with it

Also, various social problems, Because it's meant for kids, it's mild. But, that being said......

A lot of phrases that are like, "I can do anything! I can do anything!" appear!! Through those words, Androids, girls, boys, former villains, adults, and children, There are scenes where everyone becomes a PreCure to fight *** (My beloved Cure Amour was also an android who was originally made by the evil organization)

Even for adults, even if there's no precedent, You can dream about it! You can do it, and you can become anything! It teaches that *

I wonder if I've been able to Convey a little bit about the depth of PreCure, It's been going on for 15 years and has a lot of history, and I haven't talked about that at all lol

It seems like I've become HugPreRose, But next week, "Star * Twinkle PreCure" has the theme of the universe and the constellations, I also love Sailor Moon, so I'm really excited <3

And! They announced that the movie would be coming out! I want to go see it!! ***

The Mirai Crystals of Cure Macherie and Cure Amour <3 <3 Although it's just the Mirai Crystals, I bought goods for the first time since elementary school lol The design is too cute!!!

I love it so much so this became a really long blog... Tsui, tsui, tsui! I'm sorry lol

News

BEYOOOOONDS first stage play http://gekijyo.net/Gekipro/stage/2018/12/post-56.html I’ll be in my first play!! I’m really excited <3 I’ll do my best!

FC Event "Hello Pro ANNEX ~Kobushi Factory x BEYOOOOONDS=Sweet ♪~" The first FC event since Winter's Team ZIN! An event with Kobushi Factory... I'll do my best! <3

Hello! Project Kenshuusei Recital 2019 March ~SUN~ http://www.helloproject.com/event/detail/a233a63452eef76ccd841b7a98fab8dfefa2fbb7 BEYOOOOONDS will be appearing at the Kenshuusei recital <3 Let's make it a warm, springlike...... hot! Concert~

“Hello Pro Maruwakari BOOK 2019 WINTER” http://www.helloproject.com/news/9696/ The first time I wore a sailor uniform! Please check it out by all means

BEYOOOOONDS official HP http://www.helloproject.com/beyooooonds/

BEYOOOOONDS official Twitter https://twitter.com/BEYOOOOONDS_

BEYOOOOONDS official Instagram https://www.instagram.com/beyooooonds_official/

Speaking of PreCure, Morning Musume '15 was in charge of the theme song for the "PreCure All Stars Spring Carnival" movie!!! I think that the lyrics for "Ima Koko Kara" have also lead to PreCure in recent years *

At the end of last year, I went to the PreCure music cafe <3 <3 Cute collaboration drinks

Thank you very much for always commenting and leaving likes <3 <3

This morning, I read all of them **** They give me energy **

Well then! It's a new week, so I'll do my best tomorrow too! Okay! <3

See ya!

[codysstruggleforgeorgia-blog]

The start of the story.

My name is Cody. I am a 23 year old male, currently living at home with my parents. Her name is Georgia, a 22 year old female in the same situation. We have known each other for going on ten years, and in that time we have hated each other, we have liked each other and we have loved each other. I know almost everything about her. I know how she reacts to things, I know when she is happy, when she is sad, when she is distant, when she is hurting, when she is scared, when she doesn’t care.. I can read her like a book. While I can not speak for her, I imagine for her it’s much the same with me. Very rarely do either of us surprise each other in regards to what we are thinking - unless a surprise is intended, of course, because we are not entirely dull and transparent. Nevertheless, it’s very rare for us to surprise each other.

Here’s the story of our history, and how a surprise has both formed and broken our relationship. I write this to give context to the daily issues I intend to post so that my every day thoughts and moments of depression can be recorded. Georgia and I met on a video game, online, with no knowledge of what human being was behind the other monitor. We were just complete strangers - both of us young, not even fifteen yet. In my eyes, she was this over the top ball of energy, she tried to be friends with everybody, and I found her annoying and eventually hated her.

The reason that I found her annoying was because I couldn’t believe in my young heart that she wasn’t a manipulative girl. I had the typical rough childhood, but as cliche and ‘other’s have had worse’ as it is, mine still affected me.

My father left when I was seven or eight and would never return to the every  day family life. I knew that he had been violent and unfaithful towards my mother because kids see and hear things even when their parents try to hide it. This departure from the family was kind of the icing on the cake for me, because even as a young boy, he was never really there. He always worked long shifts into the night doing manual labour work - although it turns out he used to come home so late mainly because of his post work activities, drinking and women. I didn’t know this as a kid though, so I used to stay up as long as my young mind would allow me to hoping to catch him as he returned home so he could fulfill his promise of playing Mortal Kombat with me on the Playstation. Even though I actually managed to stay awake long enough some times, it never did happen. So in reality I didn’t actually know my Dad very well to begin with, only the things I saw, the disappointments, and finally him leaving.

So I told myself that I hated him. I would not treat women the way he did. I would never cheat. I wouldn’t be a martial arts freak or be obsessive about fitness, as he was anal about health fitness and fighting and that was the violence I saw towards my mother and my family. I shut my young mind off from him and threw the idea of my dad being my dad from my life and taught myself to hate.

With him gone, we couldn’t afford to stay in Sydney with just Mum, myself and my sister - 1, and brother, a newborn. We didn’t have the money - well really, my mother didn’t have the money. I was in grade 2. So we moved back to a small town out in the middle of nowhere.

The first thing I did was move from one grade to a grade higher because of the interstate educational changes that came with the move. I went from grade two to grade three and studied at a catholic school. It was a very small school. It had one two story building a shed, a small sand playground and the toilet facilities. I was never christian, I never believed, so the catholic side of things didn’t really appeal to me, and on top of that I never really made any friends.

The friends I did try to make tended to be older than me by a few or many years, as they were the ones that would always play in the handball court, and all I ever wanted to do was be included, but they didn’t play regular handball, they played it with small plastic rackets, sort of like tennis rackets, and every time I tried to participate someone would pelt the ball at me as hard as they could, rather than play the game. So I never really had friends here. I played up here and there, but for the most part my school life there was much the same and only lasted two years.

Come time for grade 5, I was given the option to swap to the State School across the road, as it went until grade 12 and my current school did not. I guess my mother saw I was unhappy, or somebody convinced her - I wouldn’t know. I said yes though, wanting a change and swapped to that school. My first day of school there I got asked if I liked our country’s most popular sport and I said no. I got picked up by the throat and choked by one of the kids from the cool club and thrown back to the ground. Then later in the week the same group of kids decided to bully me again and dared me to ring the firebell, saying I was scared and wouldn’t do it. I didn’t know what it was, but I rang it anyway, just to get back at them in my own way, to show them I wasn’t scared and they were wrong.

I got my first in-school suspension because of that, which was essentially suspension from the classroom itself - so my bullying became everyone walking out of the classroom at the two separate lunch times laughing at me and throwing shit at me while I spent the entire day seated in the one corner of the school, unable to even join the kids for lunch because of my punishment. Much of my schooling for the rest of that year is a blur as far as specifics go but it was much the same as before, never really changing. The in school suspensions kept coming and eventually I had grown so sick of the students, and then in turn the staff because of the suspensions and the way everybody looked at me, that I didn’t want to be at the school anymore. It was no fun being suspended inside of the school just to be chased by kids on bikes throwing knives and other things at you.

Back then we had dial up internet. I used to attempt to play Pokemon Crater, an old flash pokemon game on the internet. I would sit there for an age waiting for one frame to change just to see if I had encountered an imaginary pokemon. I had been given a gameboy and pokemon silver as a kid and played it to completion so this was my new fix.

Eventually I would stop going to school during the time of my in school suspensions and as I had hoped they changed my suspensions to proper, removed from the school suspensions. By this stage I was in grade six, and I started playing a new online game. I leave the name out in case people stumble upon this because my girlfriend is paranoid - and sometimes, rightly so, so even though I believe nobody from our lives will read this, I leave out the specifics out of love for her.

As I was saying, I began to play a new game. It allowed me to interact with all kinds of kids my age from all over the country and it was phenomenal. There were groups for everything everywhere and one of the first ones I participated in was a wrestling roleplay, where we would type words at each other and imitate wrestling moves and try to outsmart, or outsell the opponent to show we were uh.. knowledgeable about wrestling, I suppose. This specific ‘roleplay’ didn’t operate quite the same as others, it was more about selling the fight, making it believable, giving the other person their chance to do their stuff, whereas others were more about speed, tactics, outsmarting the other person by being the faster typer and better strategist.

I didn’t spend very long, maybe just a year in this wrestling group - we were the first group of the server to do it and we ended up as ‘hall of fame’ members for years to come, much like they induct real wrestlers into the hall of fame. It was a cool little thing for us and some of us still talked when it ended - in fact, one in particular will be mentioned later on in this story. His name was Chris, and I met him here.

The focus of the story now swaps to the game, with my life as the background details, the inbetween information, because to me that was much the reality I lived - my actual life took a backseat to my pretend life.

There was a brief period of time inbetween my time with the wrestling roleplayers and my next roleplaying group where I lied about my age, and tried to e-date girls for fun because I was lonely and I enjoyed the company. There’s really not much to talk about here, it’s pretty much as I’ve just summarized it.

It was around this time that, in real life during the school holidays I would go to Brisbane to visit my father. They were not phenomenal life experiences. He would take us to his latest girlfriends place and leave us watching movies beyond our years while he had sex and did drugs, he would drink, he would sit us in a room without food while he did his martial art training, he would make me personally go without food because as a result of the bullying and staying home all of the time I had grown chubby. I developed an incorrect understanding of my own body - I was just a chubby little kid, but I thought I was disgustingly obese or something. Him treating me like this just made me want to embrace the fat life more though - and I did. 

That was essentially my school holidays over the course of the next few years - and the only moments of importance besides meeting my best friend, Tyson. However my story with Georgia continued despite the meeting of my now best friend and everything else is irrelevant, so I mention it now and only briefly so the rest can go uninterrupted.

Picking up where we left off in the game, I eventually moved out of my ‘social’ phase (lol) and joined a new roleplay group, this time for Naruto, a universe based around what was basically magic ninjas. This was the first time in my life I had been passionate about something. I studied the universe inside and out. I took notes - I recited them, I passed fake exams to move up ranks, I outsmarted everybody that I fought and I beat them, and eventually I became friends with the top dog, the leader of the whole roleplay who had made the rooms using his own stuff and built the system that governed all ranks and power. I got him banned by reporting him jokingly and we became friends by me apologizing and having a laugh about it. Through him I met Mitch, who would be another good friend in time but not yet. Eventually I made it to the top of the rank ladder - I was leader of my own village in the roleplay. I was the best in that village and one of the top 3 roleplayers in the entire scene. I had sincerely worked so hard for this and for one of the first times in my life I had felt incredibly happy. I had built this thing for myself through my own effort and dedication. The other people around me liked and respected me for it. I had my home away from home. I had my escape from reality.

Then the devil came.

Georgia, if you are reading this - you’re going to have to excuse my language, you know how I felt about you at the time.

This little cuntball of energy rolled into my escape from reality uninvited, unannounced, with an internet boyfriend at her side, 20 guys lined up waiting to lick the pixelated dust trail behind her footsteps, a parade of attention and affection and affirmation, and almost the entire roleplay being ready to bend their rules and change the ways we had to work and invest ourselves to get where we wanted to be - because of the power of the pussy. I fucking hated this creature more than anything else and to top it off, she spoke like you would expect an energetic teenage girl to talk when pretending to be a ninja: hehe LOL XD SHURIKEN JUTSU She drove me up the fucking wall. I genuinely hated this person. She had done nothing but pull apart the escape from reality I knew. The environment I had enjoyed began to turn to shit and eventually she got everything she wanted in one tenth the effort I had invested. Then to make things worse, a new founder of a new variation of the roleplay - so one removed from ours, joined and took her under his wing, automatically drawing like 50 cucks who must have believed if they sniffed hard enough they would smell the pussy through the net. 

The devil was Georgia.

Although she did not personally destroy everything that made my escape from reality what it was, she set everything in motion and I hated her for it. So I left, I joined a new roleplay for Star Wars, and I repeated the same investment of my self for a year and I used that as my new escape from reality. In the mean time, Brandon, the previous founder, and Mitch, had become friends with Georgia. I had no connection with anybody but them from NRP so I didn’t really care. I remembered nothing but hate for her.

Here’s where my real life finally began to interfere again. I met a girl named Maddie. She was dating Nikita, an old friend, who had tried out for the band Tyson, Tyler [another friend] and I had formed. I was the singer, Tyson and Tyler the guitarists, and she was meant to be the drummer. She brought Maddie, her girlfriend along and the two became regulars at our music sessions. Eventually Nikita gave up on drumming as she wasn’t very good at it but Maddie seemed to hang around, or want to, too often.  She had mental health issues and was dating an abusive girlfriend who cut herself and threatened her and blamed her for so many different things and I felt bad for her. And she fell for Tyson, my best friend. I told her to do right by Nikita despite their differences and break up with her properly before doing anything with Tyson. She didn’t listen. We lost Nikita as a friend as a result and Maddie dated Tyson for a few months, living with him, before her family eventually arranged for her to move to the coast with them. However, in the time where she lived with Tyson - his house being my #1 spot outside of on my game, I grew way too close with her and fell in baby love with her. One night after she was gone she was talking to me and asked me why I seemed so sad and In my sad moment of weakness I confessed that I had feelings for her and I was sad that she was gone. However rather than crucify me she confessed she had developed feelings for me too. At first it was nothing but given time it turned to something real. I told her to break everything off with Tyson properly before we took it any further - she promised. I moved to live close, in a new town 4 hours away and went to school there. On the school holidays, she came to visit me and I saw the girl I thought I loved for the first time since she had left town and it seemed perfect. That night I lost my virginity to her - and then right after our 2 hour session (I state the number proudly but it was more of an anxiousness and fear of not performing that kept me going so well), the first thing she says to me is that she just cheated on Tyson - that she had not broken up with him properly - and that the month before, when she visited him halfway between her new house and my old town, instead of get the clothes and belongings she had left behind and tell him it was over, she got it all and kissed him. She hadn’t even ended it with my best friend. So now I’ve lost my virginity to what I realize is a habitual cheater / generally unfaithful person and betrayed the trust of my best friend much worse than I thought I already had all in one night. And my life got flipped. However, I did make a new friend shortly after. Chris, from wrestling on my game, spoke to me on msn one day and I found out he actually lived where Maddie now lived - and went to the same school, so I asked him to take her into their friend group and look after her and he said yes. Eventually I would meet Chris when visiting Maddie, and many other friends I will mention through this.

I broke up with her a month later because she joined the slutty emo group at her new school, got into drugs and talked about one guy too much - and I just knew the type of person she was. I knew she had cheated. So I left her. I went back to my original town and eventually for Christmas I visited my dad on the coast. I had stopped playing my escape from reality game for the most part and rarely logged on at this stage - I was in the final two years of my schooling life after all. I visited my father for Christmas this year, and his new accountant happened to live on the coast that Maddie lived on. I thought nothing of it - then, by chance, she messaged me while I was there, completely unaware that I was and three hours later we were in her apartment blocks local pool having sex. And then relationship 2.0 started, I met some of the guys she had slept with in our time apart, she promised to change, I said I would work harder. I did, she didn’t. She didn’t make an effort to remove the other guys from her life - she flirted and let them flirt, and just generally made me uncomfortable. Then I met Sarah, new best friend, and Rhiannon, her other best friend [and also the chick thats like ay i heard u got a nice cok l0l but says it like one of the boys so u dont feel threatened like she’s gonna try to fuck u anyway random tangent back to the story]. Sarah was beautiful, she was funny, she was super nerdy, she was super nice and humble and was just kind of a follower at this stage of her life. She kind of just followed the other two. I pretty much connected with her instantly and we became awesome friends. It was as innocent as that to begin with. Then the unfaithfulness from Maddie continued, the abuse got worse, the lies got worse, and eventually on one of my school holiday visits to Maddie I found myself spending my very last night there at Sarah’s house, in her lounge room talking about how sad I was, talking about video games, just talking. I had told her that I was coming over to play games because I couldn’t sleep and she said no don’t do it you’ll get stabbed this late at night or something so to make her feel comfortable I literally ran the entire way there, nearly died having an asthma attack when I arrived and the cutie wrapped me in a blanket and gave me a warm drink like some sort of spiritual grandmother. Once we had played games and chatted shit about Maddie for long enough I said I had to go back, and she offered to walk with me part of the way back. We did nothing but talk and I explained to her that she was beautiful inside and out and that she should be stronger and not let people push her around and that she’s awesome and a rare breed of human being and she should be happy and proud of herself and only let herself get treated right and it was basically that same night I realized I had fallen out of love with Maddie and into love with Sarah. So I broke up with Maddie, I told Sarah how I felt (Maddie started shit talking Sarah and it made the decision to dump her easier) but Sarah took Maddie’s side thinking she was doing the right thing by her friend because she didn’t know or believe the nasty things Maddie said about her behind her back when I told her. So I dropped a toxic relationship and lost an amazing girl in one hit. But was that the last time I dated Maddie? Nope, ya boy’s fucking autistic.  I ended up back on the coast at some stage and Sarah and I had began talking again as friends - we never moved past being friends after all, but I still had feelings for her and the spiteful hateful part of me wanted to show her how shit Maddie was. Sarah wanted to make it up to Maddie by getting me back with her. because Sarah was a knob and didn’t believe Maddie was a cunt. I went to the party as Sarah’s invite, Maddie brought her ex/my friend to this day [guy is cool and also got used] Jackson. Jackson wanted in with Maddie. I was the man to make it happen. Maddie wanted in with me. Sarah was the girl to make it happen. Maddie wanted me however and I wanted Sarah. It was fucked up. Long story short, after ignoring Maddie’s emotional breakdown in attempts to manipulate me into feeling bad and being with her, Sarah flipped at me, I realized there was no winning situation. I told Maddie to be with Jackson. She didn’t listen. I got shit faced then smoked a bunch of weed, got far too fucked up and ended up banging Maddie in the public toilets while of my face. Apparently banging in the toilets while off our faces means we’re dating again so yeah, enter relationship attempt #3. This one didn’t last long, I had graduated Grade 12 by now, I moved to the coast, attempted to work and do uni, had struggles where family members intentionally sabotaged my ability to get real payments, worked 9 hour shifts with 30 minute breaks with no music or food I could keep on location and 10 mins to and from home as a trolley pusher every day. I couldn’t keep up with my studies. My mother was helping me by paying my rent - but my food money and personal money got sucked up by the succubus herself Maddie and my entire life ended up being shaped to how she wanted me to be - and given that she was unfaithful she anted me to be a lot of different types of guys so my life was miserable as fuck. Eventually Tyson and Tyler visited, I got high, crashed Tyler’s car, had to move home because it literally ran me broke and I had to rely on my mother to help me pay off the rest of the fixes, repaired his car, drove home with a big bag of weed and just Tyler and myself (Tyson flew home, he lived elsewhere now), and we smoked up for the full 1500km drive. I had apologized and I thought him and I would remain friends, but we didn’t, he got involved with people who did harder drugs and I had no interest. So I had lost my girlfriend [good riddance], lost my home and the only place I had made real life friends who loved me as I loved them, lost my uni attempt, my job. Everything I had worked for was gone. I was the most miserable 18 year old you will ever see. That’s when I became close with Brandon and Mitch again, and through extension Georgia.

Brandon would tell me that the nudes her ex claimed to have leaked were real - that he had them, and wouldn’t show me, because he had to keep it secret since he believed she would ‘fuck him in a heartbeat’ and he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend by getting her to fly to visit him and putting moves on her. There was a lot of talk like this in the past and I only mention it now because as I grew to know this girl I realized how disgusting he had been all those years and it played a part later on.

So this was the first time Georgia really became a part of my life. I mean she had rolled in like a wrecking ball before, but I knew only hatred for her. Even at the beginning I simply tolerated her being there in our chats and I saw her as the little slut Brandon would manipulate and get his own ego rise by having around, like a trophy side chick or something. I didn’t care for her.

Then I got really drunk one night and out of sheer boredom, not interest, as I had nobody else to talk to - I sent Georgia a message. She was in another country with a boyfriend at the time, living there, so timezones allowed my drunk ass to be awake at 3am and be talking to her at primetime for her.

At first we talked about very little. I had decided she wasn’t horrible enough to ignore and decided to talk to her as a friend on the regular because it was so convenient for the way I handled myself at the time - drunk as fuck at 3am in the morning.

Now at this point in my life I had nothing going for me. I was miserable, I stayed at home all day.. I played video games, I watched anime, I was fat. You know the drill. But I began to change who I was as a person through talking to this girl. You see, she was in another country, young like me, a year younger in fact, scared and sad because her boyfriend had been unfaithful to her and she was living in a foreign land with him having to see him and his family every day. She too had a less than amazing, in fact horrible experience in her younger years that had left some trauma with her and I resonated with this girl so much. I remembered all of the years hating her and I suddenly felt so silly. This girl was me but with a vagina, basically. 

But I didn’t love her yet - I just found purpose through her. I wanted to be there for her. So I was. Even when I wasn’t drunk I maintained my awful sleeping pattern intentionally so she would never have to feel too alone - I would sleep through the busiest parts of her days when I needed rest - and I would wake when the day became lonely, so she didn’t have to be too alone with her thoughts. My life slowly began to revolve around this girl.

Eventually I started to change things about myself in more extreme ways. I had begun to understand that I had feelings for this girl, that she would need time (if she ever wanted to be with me), and I would need to be better for her. I changed my diet, I walked every night, losing anywhere from 5-10kg a month for months on end, I worked and saved up some money. I got in shape to impress her, I got healthy to impress her, I quit smoking and drinking for a while to impress her [I’d cave on them both eventually for various reasons that in hindsight were never worth the damage I could have done to myself].

And eventually the time came. By this stage she knew how I felt about her. And when she knew, she became more involved with me than before, more supportive, happier at times.. and then she finally came back from across the ocean, back to the same country as me and all I could think was when the time is right I can finally meet this girl.

It was around Christmas time when this happened, because it was this same Christmas that I had decided to spend with Brandon and Mitch. For the week leading up to the trip, she had dropped out of my life almost completely. She told me she felt jet lagged and had so many people to catch up with. All she talked about was McDonalds coworkers who flirted with her on her facebook or in messages. It was a part of her life she had never revealed and I felt pretty second place to every guy she spoke about because she spoke so passionately about them. I felt sad for the first time in a long time but I also remembered all of the amazing things i’d achieved personally in pursuit of this girl that I had never driven myself to do before and I put the negative thoughts away. I loved her. That’s what I realized that Christmas. That I loved Georgia.

So I accepted that she’s settling back into normal life - it was reasonable and at the end of the day we were still officially just friends. It wasn’t my place, although I wanted it. So I went to Brandon’s for Christmas and met Mitch there. She talked to me more while I was there, and things started to seem normal again, she even said ‘no don’t worry about me, you go spend christmas with your friends’ on christmas - you know those moments where you stop and you think, did she just do a girlfriend thing? is there something there between us? like it just sounded so heartfelt and compassionate and sincere and I just thought wow I love this girl

And then she disappeared, for the better part of a month.

I can’t put into words how gut wrenching this was. This was the first time in my life I ever had a true breakdown due to my depression. Well, it was the first time that burned itself into my memory. I had done so much - changed, so much about myself just to maybe impress this girl - knowing we might not end up as more than friends, but loving her nontheless and having what I thought was the most amazing beautiful friendship with her.. and then she was just gone.

And when I finally heard back from her the girl I had fallen in love with was dead. 

You see, during my christmas trip, I had spoken to Brandon about things that we regretted, sensitive topics we wanted to get off our chest - and understandably, one of mine was Sarah. I had no love for the girl, but she had confused me by coming back into my life and talking to me not long before the christmas trip. She just wanted her friend back. We had never been more, or attempted to. And we never have since.. so it wasn’t anything I thought weirdly of, but it did bring back the memories, and I thought I was confiding in a close friend when I vented my regrets about that period of time in my life - I did regret some moments. Why wouldn’t I? But that didn’t mean I had desire for the girl anymore. They had been long dead. All I knew in my heart was Georgia but Brandon knew that and he was jealous because Georgia had been his little pocket bitch for so long and he didn’t want anybody from his group of friends to be closer to her - especially not me, because he knew how I respected and cared for her, and he knew I knew the nasty things he had said about her in private to me. Things I had almost completely forgotten and would have never mentioned.

Instead of being a good friend, he acted on his own sadness and jealousy and pitifulness and lied to Georgia and told him I had Sarah as my back up girl.

And this was the first time what I believe was Georgia’s anxiety and fear tore us apart and damaged her. Because rather than confront me about it, me, the guy who had done nothing but work on himself in hopes  that one day he might do well enough to simply impress her in the slightest, she believed Brandon, her ‘big brother figure’, and rather than address the issue with me, cast me out of her life.

And somehow in the month that I was gone she had forgotten all about our friendship and any feelings and came back a cold hearted, mean woman who wanted to only tell me how shit I was, that she had relationship interests and that Brandon had told her everything.

Naturally, I defended myself. Very passionately. I have never been angrier in my life bar the time my uncle tried to fight me and take his sadness out on me the night of my Grandfather’s passing. I blasted her for not having the stones to talk to me about it, for blindly believing everything he said, then laughed at her while telling her all of the cruel nasty things he had said about her and done behind her back all those years and told her I hoped she was happy with the shit decision she made. And that was the end of us. Not for good, but for that moment in my life the girl I knew and had began to fall for had died and your average, mean and hateful girl who would rather you know she’s getting new dick than let you try to be happy. Not that she ever specifically acted like that, I guess I just felt so hard done by that when she told me she had love interests that’s all I heard her say.

Anyway, the month leading up to this talk with her - the talk where I finally found out what went wrong, I had messaged her almost daily, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong, and she had the nerve to actually treat me like I’m stupid enough to believe the 180 in her behaviour and attitude towards me meant nothing was wrong and that she was ‘just so busy’. Georgia is good at many things but lying to me has never been one of them though she never ceases to try, always assuming I’m stupid enough to believe her. Nevertheless, I was relatively fine in this month, although sad and somewhat desperate. After the talk finally happened however I was broken. Everything I had done and in the end I walked away with no girl I love, nor the friends I originally had, who by chance happened to be all I had left in my life to begin with. I drank myself into the gutter, I used my last bit of money to pack my bags and catch a bus to the coast, where all of my friends I had met through my ex were, and I lived there, homeless, for the longest time.

I lived on park benches, in public toilets, broke, always hungry, always thirsty, always sore, always tired. I put myself through all of this because it meant more to me to be in the company of those friends than it did to be stuck in that miserable little town. I would occasionally crash at a friends place on the floor or on their couch, but I tried to do this as little as possible. A month or so in my friend Adam spoke to his mother about me and after some convincing [see, when I previously lived on the coast, I was also homeless for a short duration, then lived with Jackson and his family while trolley pushing before getting my own place, and during this time Jackson’s mother had innocently enough mistaken something on her credit card and assumed I had taken it and used her money - mind you I had never used one to pay for something before, I wouldn’t have known how for the life of me - but that gave me a bad rep as the families knew each other.] she had worked it out with her friend who needed somebody paying rent to help her cover costs that I could live there since I had just got a new job at McDonalds. She demanded I help her cover her phone bill, internet, and all matter of personal costs that no person renting a room should ever have to pay for, but I cared so little for myself short of wanting a room that I agreed. A week or so in, I sat in the loungeroom talking to her - she told me that she used to smoke weed with Adam’s older brothers, Hayden and Nathan, and I said oh yeah I’ve smoked with Adam, sometimes when our dealer doesn’t work out we call Nathan and he gets some for us through his dealer, and she went and told Adam’s mother that I had called Nathan my ‘dealer’ and the family just happened to have an uncle going to prison over dealing drugs at the time and it was an awful time for that fucked cunt to spin my words to try to get me in trouble [for god knows what reason, the help I offered would have saved her from her situation lol], the cunt was just fucked in the head I guess.

Anyway, that put me out of a home again pretty quickly. Then shortly after, while I was with my friend Josiah visiting his house [he occasionally gave me lifts to and from work], his mother found out I was homeless. It wasn’t an intentional thing, she asked me where I lived and I kind of just nonchalantly replied nowhere and then she said what do you mean nowhere and then I was just stuck in one of those odd situations where it was like ah man I shouldn’t have said shit, and I explained how I was technically homeless but it was ok that I had a job and I was sure I would manage to fix everything soon enough and there was no need to worry, but as it turns out Josiah’s mother is a beautiful soul and her response was pretty much ‘Is this true son?” - “Yes mum” - “Well no friend of my son is homeless if I can help it!” and bam I had a place to live. A normal place to live, with a normal family, that asked me for fucking nothing - $50 a week, it was crazy. I told them I could do more and they said nope don’t worry about it. So I had a place and a job and was living with a friend that became like a brother to me. Life suddenly wasn’t so bad. Josiah wanted to go to the Navy and was struggling with the motivation to get fit and pursue his goals so in my respect and appreciation for all he had done for me I pushed him and I helped him and I even resolved to go myself. I was genuinely going to go to the Navy because I had reached the conclusion that everything in my life so far was over and maybe I would find myself there.

And then Georgia came back. Now I don’t mean back in the full sense of the word. Georgia has been back once - briefly - at the start of our relationship for two months, in the entire time since then. I mean back in the true sense of what her and I were, and can be. But regardless of just how there she really was, she was there.

This time was different. She told me that she had realized that I was right about Brandon. She tried to laugh it off like it hadn’t hurt me so bad. I could tell she just wanted to talk again and despite how much I wanted to hate her all I saw was the chance that maybe that beautiful girl I fell in love with would come back. She asked me what I had been doing and I told her, although not in specifics, or why my life had turned out like this, because I didn’t want her to know I had gone downhill since she took Brandon’s side over mine, because the actions were still my own, as influenced by my sadness as I was. And that wasn’t ultimately her fault. I told her that I was planning to go to the Navy.

This is where she gave me one of the biggest slaps in the face she’s ever given me. She told me no, don’t go. Now we were both young and stupid in our own ways but as a woman with history with a man, you don’t beg him not to leave for the navy unless it means something. I felt that tug on my heart strings right away. That spark of belief that maybe there’s something here that her and I both want to bring back to life. I said I’d think about it. She pleaded with me not to go, that she wanted me here, that she wanted to meet me.  I did the only reasonable thing a guy in my situation would do. I met the girl I had loved so badly. We only knew each other online, so we both had to bring a +1. Well, I didn’t, she did to feel safe. I could have taken both u bitches don’t forget that if you’re reading this Georgia. I’m just messing around of course.  Uh.. yeah. anyway. I met her. I met the girl that had turned my life in so many directions. And I wasn’t wildly blown away by how perfectly beautiful she was or anything. Not that she isn’t beautiful - she is, incredibly so, but it wasn’t 100% this beautiful cliche meeting. I couldn’t stare the girl in the eyes. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, I didn’t eat the city food she ate, I made a fool of myself, I wasn’t even sure who I was eating with, if she still thought about me the same way, and it didn’t feel like she was all that interested if I’m perfectly honest. But I was so happy to have finally met this amazing beautiful woman that I actually didn’t hang onto those negative thoughts for once. I was so happy. I told her I wouldn’t go to the navy. I missed my appointment, which black listed my name and made me unavailable to attend again for a big period of time because I was ‘unreliable’. I gave up what I was working towards. She seemed happy. Then I asked her when I could see her again. When I could do our date over and not be so weird this time. It never happened. And she disappeared again. Just like before. The girl I loved had never really come back and after destroying my life when she left, to fixing it again.. I had ruined my chance at a career based off her desire that was never real to begin with and she was gone again. So again I was broken. But this time I was.. almost hateful. I didn’t know who the girl was anymore. I let it go. I hated her. She never cared about me, I told myself. She just wanted to fuck around with my life. She probably only met me to see if I was worth sleeping with. I told myself all kinds of things. And then I did something I’d never done in my life.  I quit my job, I told my Dad to come and pick me up and for the first time since I was a young child I lived with the father I had hated all of my life and I tried to become as much like him as I could to forget the memory of her. You see, my dad was a womanizer and a man whore but he had a natural talent for it. He was such a manipulative person that he had developed like a subconscious art for getting laid. I wanted that. I trained with him, I worked the same job as him, I lived through the abuse of his own depression and sex addiction, having my head pinned to the floor while he choked me and told me I was weak, being insulted every day of my life because he saw my mother in me and he resented it, I lived through it all just so I could forget about Georgia, and everything else in my life. All I wanted was women and money. And before I had the chance to get either, months, maybe half a year into living with Dad, after I had quit smoking and been training and studied for the job he set up for me, Georgia comes back again.

This time I throw my money at her. I tell her to come visit me. I don’t want the fake bullshit game with her anymore. If she’s interested she needs to be interested. I’ll treat her like a princess if she treats me like a human being. I tried to mix all the things my dad did with my own self, and my new found positivity and energetic outlook on life being so much healthier and fit than I was before. I thought maybe if I can be so appealing that we don’t have to play the same games as before, if she just comes and spends time with me, real time, not like the time in the city, maybe then this girl will love me.

And I spent stupid amounts of money on her. She even said to me “You’ve spent more on me than any real boyfriend ever has” and all I could think was cool well do I get to be your boyfriend. She stayed the night on one of her two visits to me during this time. She took my bed, and messaged me to come close the blinds for her. Every part of me told me that she wanted sex and to go for it, but I told myself no, you have loved this girl so many times, for so long. All of those years were not spent just so you can get a pitiful one night stand. Ask her out. So I went in to close the blinds, and when I looked at her.. she seemed so genuinely disinterested. I realized in that moment that to her I was literally a slave closing the blinds. I wrote her a letter, on the bench outside of my room for her to read in the morning, asking her to go out with me. She said no. Well, she said maybe, but anything short of yes with Georgia had always meant no. There was no real maybe in her heart, not to me. My dad asked me if I got any. I got mad, because that’s not what I wanted, but also mad because in my head I thought no I didn’t, not that I wanted it to happen that way, but now I’m certain it never will anyway. All he did was make me feel shit. He must have noticed and in his own jaded way tried to make me feel better by saying she was probably a gold digger since I said she comes from a well off family and her dad spoils her. I never told him these things in an attempt to paint her a certain way. It was more my innocent ramblings as I thought about her and I, and our history and all I knew about her. I told him she wasn’t like that. I told her what she said, and she basically disappeared. Then my grandfather, the closest man I had ever had to a real father figure and my favourite family member passed away and her and I lost contact all together.

I wouldn’t talk to Georgia for most of the next year and a half. Right after she disappeared this time, I quit my job, packed up my bags and asked my father for the money I had earned and put into a joint savings account with him. Enraged that I wasn’t following his every order and doing everything the way he thought I should, he told me I had no savings, and so I was homeless again. This time I lived at an internet cafe, paying $50 a week for access with my job as a marketer in a small business on the second floor above a series of restaurants - a little, quiet job tucked away out of existence. I mattered to nobody. I wanted no help. I wanted to die. I did drugs and I drank a lot. I met Jack, Steven and Corey during this part of my life, friends I still have now, my stoner buddies. Eventually it became too much and I had to go back to home.

I got a job at the BP with my friend Peter who I had met in the small town near the coast when dating Maddie, who I had then hooked up with my older cousin who he now had a kid with. A lot to take in. I became friends Nik  again  (previously nikita from my childhood/maddies ex, now sex changed). and his girlfriend of like four years Leah. Soon after Peter hung himself and I drove past his house to see the ambulance there as I went to cover his shift, just to find out what had happened mid shift. Work there was never really the same. Not for me. I hated everybody. A new guy named Kevin started working there, him and I moved into a new place together so we both had our own place and we smoked weed in all of our spare time. Nik and Leah broke up and I let Leah manipulate me like an idiot. She told me Nik had always been paranoid that I’d take her like I took Maddie (literally not what happened) and that behind my back he hated me and he only used our friendship as a way to keep tabs on me and look like he didn’t care anymore and when I tried to talk to him about it, since she had been doing nothing but hanging around my house (hanging around kevin more than me, pretty sure she fucked him at some stage), he didn’t talk to me. And that was it. I believed her shit. I told her I would help her sort her life. She quit her job that was giving her like 8 hours a week so she could find a new one. I covered her expenses - her fuel, her food, her smokes, her bills, her new tyres on the car - then she began flirting and I honestly didn’t are about Nik by this stage because I had been convinced she was not lying about it by his actions and I fell for the trap and kept catering to her, talking to her about how she wanted to move and stuff and how I was gonna help her do it- just to find out she had been planning on leaving town literally the moment her car was fixed [which I was paying for] and cutting me from her life. So I got a tattoo on my right shoulder, a lilypad with ‘Upendi’ written on it. I got the tattoo for my sister, because Leah her and I watched the movie The Lion King 2 together and in the love scene they ride lilypads and sing the Upendi song [which means love]. But Leah’s nickname was also lily. See she didn’t know that I knew about her bullshit yet. So I told her I got it because ‘she liked the movie’ and because ‘I wouldn’t love again’ to make her feel bad and I told my sister it was just because she told me it was her favourite movie and I have love for my siblings. Although the ‘I don’t want to love again’ part did resonate with me, I literally inked my skin to spite that bitch. And I don’t regret it because the real meaning of the tattoo is beautiful and now I’m inspired to get one for all family members. Anyway, that was the end of that. I called my Dad [going back for round 3, or 4, or some shit] and said hey I want to come live with you, organized it, quit my job, and left. I spent a few months with him working odd jobs I could find, swapping here and there trying to find something better, getting high all of the time with my mates Jack, Corey and Steven and attempting to study a diploma in website development which by the way was fucking boring as shit I hated it lol. And enter Georgia, again. This time was different. The moment I saw her name pop up in my inbox, I didn’t open the message. I went to a brothel. I fucked some girl. I literally tried to push her out of my mind by being with another woman paid or not. But eventually I replied and we started talking again. But this time there was no spark. There was no life to it. She just messaged me because she was in a toxic relationship and I guess all males she had in her life were gone in one way or the other - or maybe she genuinely thought of me when she needed help, maybe because of when she was overseas and I supported her then.. I don’t know, she’s never told me, all I have is my own speculation as to why she chose to message me. But she did. And for the better part of the first month, I actually managed to crush feelings for her. They didn’t exist. I got high every day, I worked my job, I did my own thing, and I occasionally messaged my damaged female friend who needed relationship advice. And I didn’t really care about it that much, I just told her my honest take and left it at that.

I can’t remember what the trigger was, but one night she snapped. Maybe she hated how in control of myself I was being. Maybe she had been playing games with me all along and she hated not being the game master now. But she snapped and said ‘You know you love me. Admit it. Say you love me. Tell me you love me.’

And even though in my head I thought I’ll bet my life she’s playing some sick twisted game on me right now, after like two hours of her flirting with me and asking me to admit it, I caved, all the memories of the good times where she had made me happy, not miserable, came back, and I said I love you to her. In the end I had helped her get out of her toxic relationship with that guy, which I spent the next month doing, even after I found out she had cheated, something which almost made me delete her from my life on the spot, on a guy since I had been out of her life, because I had been so badly burned by crazy and unfaithful women, I still couldn’t make myself fall out of love with her. I wanted her. She hated my life with my dad. She knew he mistreated me again and that I was never happy. So for her sake, not for mine, I moved back home. But I hadn’t finished being caught up in my terrible memories from home yet. She gave up on me for a little while yet again.

Then she came back and I told her, I would move to a new place, where Tyson my best friend was. There I would get back in shape, be happy, work. She seemed happy about this - involved again but then basically the moment I made the move, she wasn’t there again, when I needed her. And I didn’t hate her for it. I was numb. I worked one day at the job I got, realized I was too physically unfit to work the ten hour shifts at a meat factory, that I should have taken the dominos job, was forced to leave my friends house because without that job I had no more time to use up living there freely. So I left without saying a word to them, early in the morning, I drove until I ran out of fuel and I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t answer calls from my mother for most of the following day, eventually answering to tell her that I didn’t care, that I wanted to sit in my car and I wanted to starve to death, that I had no more fuel, not to send me money, that I was over it all. And I meant every word of it. But she sent me the money anyway. And as much as I wanted to fill the car up and drive off a bridge, I was raised by this mother all on her own, and I love her too much to do that to her, or to my friend, who I had left without a word to, or my siblings who I loved.

So I made the drive home across state. At first I pretended to try, I signed up for uni, I failed my semesters, and wasted most of my year doing that. Fighting with my step dad. Letting my mother down. Setting a bad example for my brother. I stopped caring. I contemplated suicide again. I googled how to do it in the ways my scaredy cat ass could find painless. Overdose, easy for me because I like to indulge. Bullet, easy for me because we have guns in the house. Those were basically the two options I found and I contemplated them every day.

My lack of action - complete stillness in my bed, over indulging in food, feeling like I had given up on life, not having any goals, or desires left in my heart.. it turned me into a fat sad guy who sat at home doing nothing but playing games.. using memes and the friends I’ve made on voice comms as my new escape from reality. Doing the dishes made my legs ache from standing still. Not because I was morbidly obese, but because my body had grown so weak as well as getting bigger.

Then, one day, once again.. Georgia returned. And this was the first time Georgia ever surprised me. You see, when she returned this time, I said the most selfish, yet honest thing I have ever said to her. I said Georgia, I do not care about myself, I do not care about anything, I am a shell of the person I used to be, and I do not care. I do not want a fake friendship with you, I do not want the same thing we have had over and over again through these long painful years, I do not want it. The only thing that I have ever known I have truly wanted - and the only thing I can still tell you honestly that I want, is you, but not the you that you’ve given me for so long, the real Georgia, the girl I know and love. I want to love you and be loved. I will not be in your life any longer, short of being your partner. I said this because I sincerely believed she would leave as a result, but also because it was sincerely how I felt in my heart. I’m sure if she had said no that day I could have easily killed myself and finally got it over with because it would have been the most succinct ending to our story and I would have been ok with that.

..

But Georgia said yes to me. She said yes. She said let’s try. She said let’s be together. It sent me into shock. I didn’t believe her for at least a week. I was sure she was going to destroy my life any moment and break my heart into a thousand pieces but she didn’t. Even though I kept my defenses up for the entire first week. And to make things better, it was the girl I knew and loved again. She was back. She spoke to me, she communicated with me, she was excited to have me in her daily life, to let me know what was happening, to spend time playing games with me. 

And for the first time in years I felt love and happiness more real than ever before. All along I had wanted this girl back, now she was back - and she was mine. She was my partner, my love, and she was beautiful, and energetic, and happy, and intimate, and compassionate, and understanding. It was like we had gone back in time and undone Brandon’s lies before they could take effect. Like everything was back to normal after all this time.

I played games with her every day. I spoke to her every day. I encouraged and supported her. Financially when she had no work, and even when she first got new work so she could spoil herself without setting herself immediately behind. I tried to understand her anxiety, what set her off, what made her happy and unhappy - it was a learning experience for me, she even threatened to leave a few times and I quickly learned what to do and what not to do. However I did not yet work. I still do not as I write this. I did not stick to a healthy routine. I did not exercise routinely. I made her promises and I wasn’t yet sticking to them. Although this was born out of laziness it was also born from pure happiness. I lived every day in a daze of love, catching up on love and happiness I felt I had been missing my entire adult life. I’m sure she noticed I wasn’t hitting my goals but she didn’t mention it. I was still me, and I was so supportive and helpful and just there for her to love her and never let her hurt. And she knew that.

But then I had a bad fight with my step father. He threatened to kick me out, said I was going to have to leave, and I was convinced. Georgia was stressed out and angry about how they treated me, but also angry at me, however she would not tell me that, instead she would internalize it and let it ruin us slowly, because that is what her anxiety does to her and she is as scared and as damaged as I am. I sent her the last of my money, and I asked her to buy my an internet dongle - so we would not lose the ability to communication, I promised to turn my car into a home and use my payment to get to a new town, keep data on the dongle, charge my phone through my car and never lose touch with her, so she would never have to worry. I had it all planned out. The only thing I did not account for in my costs was my antidepressants. The medication I had begun taking at her request so I could make bigger strides in getting back on my feet and out of my rut. They did help, I just failed to consider them in the big picture, as without a home, without my prescription from this town, without the stability, how would I afford life plus the medication weekly? I didn’t see how I could so I didn’t think to factor it in.

A week passed since the threat, I had gone a week without my medication. Georgia had grown somewhat distant at the beginning of the week, before my mood had begun to turn. She spoke to me less. She didn’t want to play our game with me anymore. She had found somebody else to play with. She needed the friend to help her because she felt she could not confide in me because of my situation. So she left me in the dark again when I needed her the most. But this time I lashed out in jealousy and anger. I accused her of not loving me. I told her she was running away from me again. That she was giving him my place. That she wanted nothing to do with me, that she was getting rid of me. I felt it in my heart too because I know exactly how she acts when she begins to, or has already left me. And I was in the wrong for lashing out the way I did, and it made me feel terrible. But she had started to go when I needed her the most - and after that, she was gone again, the way she usually was.

She assured me that we were still together. But she never spoke to me. And I saw her online, with him, and with other friends every day. I saw her see my messages, but never read or reply to them. I saw her gone. I messaged her frantically daily. She asked for space. I tried, and could last no longer than 2 days at a time without messaging her. She scoffed at this as if it was a weak effort. As if it was normal for her to want me to be able to not talk to her for so long. As if I wasn’t meant to miss and love her. As if I wasn’t meant to feel like she has abandoned me when I needed her and when I had trusted her. I had hurt her by lashing out but she had hurt me back in return and while my cruelty and rage was brief, her neglect and vagueness was never ending and it hurt me more than I had hurt in years because in my heart I believed she knew my situation, that she would not be like this solely because I had hit a low point because I had a rough few days without my medication, that surely she had always thought more of me during all of this and that it was less likely she would leave so easily and more likely that she no longer loved me..

So after a month of waiting, of begging, of staying distant, of caving and trying to connect, I made the decision to go. I removed her from my online contacts, on social media, on my phone, on the game we played.. I deleted her number, the photos, the conversations.. I blocked her on everything and I told her goodbye for good. Moments after I had finished doing this, my friend, Hayden, also friends with her on the game told me that her in game message was ‘Happy Girl’ and I cried because all I could wonder was how someone who claimed to be my partner, who claimed to love me, could be a happy girl in the company of this other man for a month while I suffer and cry out for her every day. And that’s when I decided I was going to hurt myself, bit by bit until I was ready to end it all. So that night I lined up as many of my antidepressants as my mind would let me take and I downed them all, quickly fell sick and passed out. I woke up the next day, more miserable than ever. I sat there. The day flew by me. At the end of the day, I lined up two weeks worth of anti depressants and a drink. And I sat there and began to google how much of it you needed to take before it became lethal. Because I wanted it to be lethal. Georgia and I were over. She had run away and disappeared like she always had and acted as if I was dumb enough to not see it. Especially when she had so easily given my spot to another person, when she had made me stare at her spending all hours of her day with him, every day, for a month when she knew how hard it was for me to trust, when she knew how depressed I was without her. The girl I loved knew me too well to do that and think it was innocent in my eyes. The girl I loved knew that I knew her too. So the only reasonable answer was: She doesn’t love me, she hasn’t this entire month, and her anxiety and fear of me killing myself is the only thing stopping her from leaving and being happy. So if I leave and kill myself where she will never see or know, then everything will be fine and she won’t get hurt.

And then Hayden, the same guy who broke my heart by telling me her league message was ‘Happy Girl’ after all my suffering, told me it had changed to ‘girl’ after the final message I sent. It shattered me. It broke my resolve. It gave me some faint hope that maybe she loved me. So I undid it all and I messaged her. And I told her the thing about the message. How it had given me hope. How I was so incredibly sad and desperate. How I needed her to tell me what she felt. That I needed her to come back if she loved me. That I was sorry. So much was said. Most of it my rambling, because I over think and I ramble when I’m depressed and she ignores it and hides when she’s anxious and depressed.

But she said she was here. That she would come back. Like she was admitting she had been gone after all this time, without actually saying ‘sorry for telling you that I wasn’t.’. But that didn’t matter and I just wanted her back. 

That is the story so far.

Georgia has said she loves me, and she knows I love her. She said that she will come back. I don’t understand why it is so hard for her. Why she still leaves me in the dark, why she spends no time with me, why it feels like she’s hardly back at all. I try to be strong but every day I spend without the loving relationship we had breaks me down again and again. I do not know what to do anymore. I do not know how to get her to come back. To understand my pain. To understand her worth to me. To understand why I keep begging, even when it seems selfish. She is still not back. Not truly. I know it in my heart and she knows I do. And I need her back so desperately. I cannot fight my snappiness and disappointment and sadness when I am so painfully aware of how little she is trying to come back nor can I understand why she does not try like she did. It hurts me so much.

So I write this now. This explanation of the story of Georgia and Cody, intended only for my eyes and hers, unless some strange soul stumbles upon this post and invests the time to read. I keep most important details short of our names hidden for obvious reasons. I intend to use the rest of this page for daily entries. I want to record my depression. I want to record every emotional reaction I have to her, to what she says, to what she does, and I want to write it here. I no longer want to be vocal about it to her over the course of the day. I just want to tell her I love her. I cannot fight her on it anymore. So instead I record my pain here on the daily, so that I can show her, at the end of the day, or the end of the week.. whenever it may be, I want her to be able to come here and read the raw emotion poured onto this page. I want her to know I love her and I am trying to process this. I want her back. I just want her back so fucking badly. If there is a god I pray you guide my girls heart back to me. So yeah.. this was the story so far.. daily entries come next..

[a-h-arts]

5.0 out of 5 stars A Beautifully Designed and Illustrated "Shahnameh" - Worthy of Royalty!

5.0 out of 5 stars A Gorgeous Introduction To Persian Literature I first heard about this book after listening to my local public radio interview with the author. I was intrigued enough to buy it, having no experience with this or any other work of Persian Literature. I am so thrilled with it! The binding is beautiful, the illustrations unexpectedly unique & each a work of art itself. After receiving the book, I was surprised by the interviewers characterization of this amazing work as a "coffee table book"! Mr Sadri was very gracious indeed to not take issue with that remark! This book will be nowhere near my coffee table! lol Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars Best Shahnameh Translation & Illustration Available The Best Shahnameh Translation and Illustration AvailableAs a book collector, I was skeptic about this book and I was wondering if this is yet another insufficient, flawed and graphic-less translation of Shahnameh, until it started climbing the IPC Top 10 Best Sellers Book List. IPC (Iran Politics Club) is the largest Iranian website in English and its best sellers list is let's say the Persian version of the New York Times best sellers book list. This made me curious and next thing you know, I bought the book! Wow, I surely do not regret it! This book reminds me of the very fancy, hardcover, oversized, large deluxe luxury Shahnameh full of colored graphics and paintings in my father's library back in Iran, before 1979 during the reign of the Imperial Iran! I'll never forget that book. That was the ultimate courthouse style Shahnameh (Shahnameh Darbari) and one of the most valuable books in my father's grand library. As a child I had the privilege of having access to this magnificient library. My father was a famous author, journalist, publisher and cabinet minister with this massive library and I basically grew up reading the books in this library. In addition, I had my own library and also had access to my mother's library.That Shahnameh was the most valuable Shahnameh which I have ever seen until now! This Shahnameh, bravely and accurately stated, is the legitimate English version of that Shahnameh. This book is an oversized, hardcover, glossy, well printed, well designed and well translated version of Shahnameh. I can bravely state that this book is the best Shahnameh available in English. So far, I have not seen a better version. As a book collector, author, journalist and publisher, I can surely testify that this book is indeed a literary treasure.Read more › Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars A Beautiful Book! Rahmanian and Sadri have done an extraordinary service in making these stories accessible to Westerners in such an attractive form. The translation is clear and the illustrations on every page are stunning.In Iran, the Shahnameh is the fundamental treasury of classical Persian culture, bringing together the mythic/historical tales of the origins of a national identity. There is no single equivalent in European culture, but if one imagines that the Iliad, the tales of King Arthur and Roland had been compiled by Shakespeare, one gets close to the importance that it holds for Persians. Ferdowsi wrote it all in verse and purposely used only Persian words and none of the many Arabic words that had entered the language with the arrival of Islam. His verses are often memorized and recited and the characters and words of the Shahnameh appear in the poetry of Hafiz, Saadi, Rumi and others. Storytellers still enact the story of Rustam and make grown men weep.Buy the book and you will gladly spend hours absorbed in tales of heroism, villainy, loyalty and tenderness,in which people weep tears of blood and love inspires superhuman feats. The illustrations pull you in, showing the central action but surrounded by the rich cavalcade of life. It is rare that a volume of this quality is available at such a reasonable price. Go to Amazon