#i can already feel my anxiety ramping back up to 2017 levels

[thisisevenharderthannamingablog]

Feeling kind of exhausted by the world today.

[realrealguylin]

2016 Reflections + 2017 Commitments

January

The month of doubt - where I discovered the depths of my fear of death

I got the IOE peer advisor job… which turned into nothing because no one ever came in

Started discipling Matt

Wow.. I fasted from social media and it was so fruitful. What happened to that? I think I’m going to try to stave off of social media again. If nothing else, it’s such a time sink, I could be doing so many other things

Now I remember - I basically knew every girl the guys in Radicle liked. That’s a level of trust that I can’t overlook when I have this position of LG leader

The start of the comparison game with peers. Looking back and even now, I can’t say I’m “cured” of this struggle, but I think it goes more than just straight comparison. The reason being that I compared for a goal: am I “good” enough? Am I doing a “good” job? There are no metrics to this following Jesus thing, and that is hard for someone like me. Also, besides that, there’s a misconception in my mind that I have to reach a certain level of spirituality or resume to earn a girl’s affections, especially if that girl seems “out of my league.” But then, what is the “league” in reference to anyways? Isn’t it insecurities that Satan places into our hearts?

Mere Christianity was a really good book… it strengthened my faith, exposed my pride and envy

Not sure if it was the start, but my affections for her started to rise and get more and more confused

God’s “fairness” - it’s up to Him, it’s not something I can control or should complain about

I did read over Mere Christianity and talked to Chris and looking back, I can’t say that the fear “disappeared” but it’s more like… what do you do in response to the fears? Just give up? Keep doubting? Stay awake all night? No you keep moving forward in the faith that God is trustworthy.

I mean, I think this comes from my upbringing of comparing during high school and I still need the Gospel truth to free me of this

February

Read Meaning of Marriage - really changed my perspective about marriage

The start of CSMP!

I remember now, the sermon about Doubting Thomas. It was a really good sermon that helped my doubts as well.

The start of having to prepare for people to leave - Peter and Terry

I was also frustrated at the lack of fruit from Radicle, so far. But now I see where some of these guys are at, and I think they’re different. Maybe not super different, but some of the dreams we had for people, is only now starting to come through. If that is the case for Radicle, how can that not be the case for Highlight?

I had a big argument this month. I do regret the form of communication, but I don’t regret the intention of it. I think we both made up, though, and they appreciate me for the confrontation.

March

Circumstantially, I wouldn’t say much happened during this month, but rather learning a few things here and there. Vocationally, I was trying to take steps to move forward. Dr Liker found an opportunity with Dunning Subaru and I definitely think that helped me get experience in preparation for a job in the future.

On a younger brother note, I do think Matt has grown up a little. It’s been a long time coming since Trademark; fruit comes in time.

I thought that living with Ben would allow me to learn more from him, but I barely see him, it’s hard to get that life-on-life mentoring from him. But this was also the start of getting discipled by Sam and I think that was pretty great.

I totally forgot we did men’s ministry in Radicle. I hope there is fruit from that specific time. I can’t say we have to right now from our current men’s groupme.

This month was the start of another round of struggling with titles in the church, this time with ET. I think the spark/catalyst was suspecting someone else was invited and I wasn’t. And then… it went back to the comparison game. Yea I definitely want to grow out of this.

I think a good part of this, though, was God was showing me that, ultimately, I want to be on the frontlines, in people’s lives.

April

Continued struggles with ET and dating and how they how twisted into a muddled jumble

I was able to reflect about how I’m just as weak as other people. Second semester was filled with more struggles than I thought, but even as 2016 ends, I think I grew a little bit out of these struggles. I don’t feel lonely as much anymore because I know people have my back, the doubts and fear are still there from time to time, but I’m responding better, I’m taking steps to not put myself in a position to compare to others, and I definitely feel like I know a little bit more about the direction of my life compared to April

The start of my relationship with Samee. Did not expect him to confess his sins to me so early, but I’m blessed

Now that I have a job, things with Mom have calmed down. But it definitely was rough throughout the year when it comes to talking about the future.

It’s not about “who is good” but “who is it good for”

Just reminded that God does not forget me, just as He does not forget sparrows. So what if I didn’t go through “interesting” things during April, the grass is always going to be greener no matter what happens

But I learned that she’s not necessarily like my grandma in that she’s going to be stubborn to her opinions. She’s going to present an opinion, because she’s my mom, and whether I listen or not is up to me - I’m an adult now, after all.

May

Started ramping up CSMP planning and it was great. It helped me cultivate my calling for church planting

Career wise, definitely did not want to help companies increase in their profit

Said good-bye to Peter. It was more emotional than I thought. Well I guess it’s not good-bye, but see you later

Probably one of the first times I had financial troubles, actually. I was too prideful to ask Mom, but eventually swallowed my pride and asked her

My conviction from Ignite was to actually stay right here in AA indefinitely, to take ownership of what I have right now, church plant my Lg right now, to learn these lessons now so that if I plant a church, I’ll be trained up. It might be Detroit

For CSMP, I saw how important and rewarding it was to be the hands and feet and try to service the needs of the community - that’s what the church is meant to do

CSMP, not even field work yet, was already a vision of what partnership for the Gospel could really look like and it was awesome

I think CSMP was the start of me trying to cultivate evangelistic and apostolic gifting

But my conviction, also, is that once we start the church plant, you have to stick around, but the church is an institution that God ordained for a reason

The ultimate reason for a church plant is to bring light to the darkness, there’s not enough churches in places that really need the Gospel

But I still need to grow in this

June

In response to my financial troubles, people gathered a love offering for, started by Robby. Wow, best prayer partner

This was the month Brandon came to know Christ

The beginning of the “what next, Lord?” This was a very fruitful time of my life

Got a GSI appointment

Invited to stewardship

Terry left

Another tough moment with Mom because she got eye surgery and it challenged my priorities especially as I was doing missions

Still need to grow in closeness to her, but I wonder if part of this isn’t the culture we’ve grown up in?

I saw the value of prayer walking

July

CSMP was a time of flourishing - when compared to other people who struggle bussed hard. I didn’t want it to end, but all seasons come to an end. And it’s ok, because I was able to take the things I learned into the next season of ministry

Again, still learning about cross-gender friendships

Actually, there was one fearful moment, when I got locked out and felt this overwhelming fear that I got locked out

Learning how to be in people’s corners

Ultimately, wanted to live out the life of Philip the evangelist

I learned that I was fearful of getting left behind, or that people’s care for me was only structural of “because they have to.” This was a lie and the Gospel is proof that Jesus didn’t have to do anything, but he chose to go out of his way to love me

August

The start of a new wardrobe, I can receive from younger brothers in this way

Forming convictions for the school year: presence, meeting the needs of the campus

Drove with Terry to Denver

It is hard to plant a church in a big city like New York compared to a college town like AA

I was convicted to count the cost of ministry - it’s really through my mom who has worked hard to financially support me throughout all this time all while paying off her mortgage. She’s the real MVP, part of me wishes I worked somewhere else where more family was, but I feel called here and I just have to be ok with that cost. The only way this is worth it is one day she accepts Christ, so I have to relentlessly pray for her.

September

The start of LG, thankful for the OCR partnership and small fruits like Catherine signing up

It’s funny and maybe a little weird, but I started relating more to army officers in the field. I enjoy leading the charge with people instead of playing the general, and I think upper levels of leadership become more like generals, and I don’t know if I like that or desire it

Frustrated at the way our upper levels of leadership does things, but glad things are now changing in weeks and months to come

Started serving for the stewardship team. Definitely still need a lot of grace for that

Had some anxiety with if I could graduate after finding out something came up with my credits, but by the grace of God I graduated

Some seeds planted for growing my gifting of teaching

October

Retreat was ok, I’m wondering if I heard God correctly during that time

Started doing this thing where I reflect everyday before my devotions and, usually, it’s really refreshing and needed to know where I’m at with God

Having to continually fight this lie about not being good enough for people’s approval

Jer 12 was a convicting passage

From then on, just had to persevere

It’s a promise, I believe, that God has bigger plans in store for me and to just persevere through this season(s) of waiting on many things

November

Thankful for opportunities in class to teach

Missions Week was personally great for me. It inspired me to live a life for the Gospel, even if it has to be in a big city. Really encouraged by Doc Fuder’s life and just learning from him

Started the job application process thanks to Jonah, but it’s just more waiting

Had to navigate election results for both myself and other people in our church. We have to be a voice to the voiceless because in the next 4 years, there’s going to be a lotttt of hardship for a lot of people out there who don’t get a chance to be a voice

Had some relational conflict throughout this month which was discouraging but it got resolved and I learned from it, so praise God.

Was convicted by 1 Peter 1 to step up in my servanthood and responsibilities in the church - although I don’t want more titles and responsibilities per se, I think God is calling me to do bigger things than just my own tiny ministry, just as the prophets of old were called to more than their own sphere of influence. I’m going from captain to general whether I prefer to or not.

Need to read the book he wrote about Neighborhood Mapping

December

Got the job the Jonah referred me to! It was definitely a slow interview process, but I’m thankful for the connection and God’s provision - He always comes through

There’s going to be a lot of changes starting in January and rolling on throughout the rest of 2017 - personally, in our church, and even in our country.

One of those changes is graduating. Thankful for the past 1.5 years of grad school, I learned a lot about engineering and culture and people and want to continue in developing my vocation. No more studying!

There was a string of days of emotional struggle - realizing how not surrendered I am to the future and also just my identity in Christ

Even as I take on my church responsibility, I was encouraged by the gospel - 5 years ago, I would not have imagined myself in the position that I am in now, but by God’s grace I am who I am and God’s plan is always the best plan

2017 Thoughts

The most important decision I need to make this year… I suppose it’s the one about church planting. When will God call me to a church plant?

The habit I’d like to most establish this year is fitness. As I’m transition into working life, I think having more energy throughout the day is important. Plus every year I’m getting older, health is always important.

My most important financial goal is to be debt free. I think just through working I should be free of student loans this year. After that, I’d like to pay Mom’s bills, too.

One way I can be a blessing to my pastor is just ask how he’s doing. Many people don’t do that for their pastors anymore, and it’s sad.

There are multiple books in the docket right now I want to read: Neighborhood Mapping, Reason for God, and at least one book on social justice

The one thing I regret from last year… living in fear of different things. What will I do about it? Follow God, and do the right thing even in the midst of it.

This year, I’m definitely going to try to do more evangelism and outreach to the broken and needy in AA. I think this is what the church is meant to do, and I want to get my feet wet.

If those who knew me best gave me advice, I think they would say… don’t be discouraged or feel lonely, those aren’t true. I think they would be right, too. What will I do about this? Well it’s hard to control my feelings in the moment, but I’d say battle it with the truth so that it won’t take over my ministry.

[floraexplorer]

How I Cope With The Loss of My Parents at Christmas

Grieving at Christmas is a tradition I wish I didn’t have to follow.

Both of my parents died in winter. But even if they’d died outside the confines of twinkling lights and snowy landscapes, this season would still fill me with dread.

Whether you’re facing your first Christmas or your twentieth after losing a loved one, it’s likely you’re expecting it to hurt. Grief doesn’t seem to hold itself to the normal passage of time: the intensity of emotion may lessen, but its existence still doesn’t change much as the years go by.

There’s also a uniquely bitter irony in suffering through a holiday season which so many others seem to find such happiness in. Whether it’s the decorated trees in people’s windows, the familiar songs piped through every loudspeaker, or the deluge of blithe positivity from everyone around you, the build-up to Christmas and the day itself can feel like an insurmountable burden when you’ve been bereaved.

But after a full decade in this state, I’ve come to terms with what Christmas looks and feels like for me. Although the breath still catches in my throat a lot more often each December, I know my triggers now. I can just about get through the grief.

To most of us, Christmas means family. But what if you’re alone now?

We’re brought up believing that Christmas is intrinsically about family – and I still count myself lucky to have the memories of nineteen happy Christmases to look back on.

There’s home video of me panicking aged six on Christmas Eve about not building a snowman (an impossible feat because there wasn’t any snow that year). I remember my parents jubilation when they gave a teenage me the guitar I’d longed for. I can see my dad’s gritted teeth when my matriarchal grandmother demanded he make chestnut stuffing from scratch. And I’ll never stop thinking of my mum racing around the kitchen with her jumper sleeves rolled up and permanently foggy glasses jammed into her curly hair, as multiple pans boiled and the steamy air filled up with the unmistakeable smell of Christmas.

But nostalgia is a powerful thing. When there’s zero chance of those situations happening again, the associated memories are no longer just ‘happy’. Now they’ve been tainted somewhat, because everything about those past Christmases has vanished.

I found out my mum was going to die on Christmas Eve 2008. She passed away just two weeks later and the holiday season was never the same again – largely because Mum was the one who brought the entire over-extravagant event into being, from the sprigs of holly tucked into every framed picture in the house to the pine needles, tinsel and metres of wrapping paper scattered across the floor.

The first Christmas after her death, I wanted to ignore the whole festive season. I was still at university, studying abroad in San Francisco, so my dad and I decided he’d stay in London and we’d just do our own thing in our respective continents. It was my first ever Christmas spent with friends instead of family: we got very drunk the night before and the actual day was a hilariously hungover mess. I had a quick Skype call with my dad but when it was over I felt relieved. It was much easier to forget what this holiday had once felt like.

As the years went on, our two-person Christmas settled into a pattern. Dad stopped buying big Christmas trees and put lights around a tiny potted tree instead, with Mum’s photo propped up beside it. Dad and I swapped presents in the morning, then I’d cook us brunch – scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, cheersing with glasses of Prosecco – before we headed to our family friends’ house to spend the rest of our day there.

Christmas had become a more muted affair, and we both knew how achingly big the gap was which Mum had left behind. But we pretended we could handle it, nonetheless.

And then Dad died in late 2017, and I had to re-evaluate what my Christmas felt like all over again.

What you should know about coping with grief at Christmas

If I had to put my Christmas grief into a few crucial words, it would be these. Grieving at Christmas is lonely. It’s upsetting. It’s isolating. It’s less about enjoyment and more about survival, pushing steadfastly through the holiday and hoping there isn’t too much painful fallout by the time January rolls around.

Those of us who are bereaved at Christmas are sensitive and vulnerable and easy to upset. We’re jealous of those who have a seemingly perfect Christmas with all their loved ones accounted for. We’re always acutely aware that our particular someone is missing – and we’re also desperately hoping we might forget.

But after ten years of feeling like this, what I’ve finally come to realise is that Christmas doesn’t have any one set way of being celebrated. (In fact, screw it – you don’t have to celebrate at all if you don’t want to.)

The following is a collection of my tried and tested tips to make it through a grief-filled Christmas season.

1. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to ‘cope better’.

The first Christmas without them will almost certainly be daunting. As will the second, the fifth, and the eleventh. It’s been over a decade of Christmases without my mum and the festive season still hurts. What I’m trying to say is that you probably won’t suddenly “be better” one year. It’s not like Christmas ever reverts back to how it used to feel – it’s more like the emotions get less intense.

2. Let yourself cry.

The urge to have a full-on sob fest is probably going to happen. It might strike without warning, too – and that potential can make you feel really on edge. But just like the rest of the year, the crying won’t last forever. For many grieving people (myself included) there’s an internal grief-clock which switches on around December 1st and doesn’t stop ticking through ‘Time Without Them’ until the new year begins. I hate it – but I know that sensation extremely well now. And I just have to respect that self-care and compassion has to be my main focus throughout the month.

3. Tell your friends you’re not doing well.

One of the hardest parts about grieving is the isolation factor. While it feels like everyone else is heading home to their loving families, you’re left alone with too many memories and not enough distraction from them. However, chances are that plenty of your friends would be more than happy to involve you in their Christmas plans – you just might have to make the first move and ask.

4. Unless you know you’ll find it helpful, avoid social media.

From sometime in early November, the festive-themed social media posts start to ramp up. Tinsel and tree lights and Christmas jumper pub crawls begin to pour across my feeds and eventually it makes me nauseous. I don’t need to see all this happy Christmas fun if I’m not feeling the same – so I actively curb my social media usage.

There are a few really helpful hashtags on Twitter for those going through a rough time over Christmas, but for the most part it’s a lot of people expounding their gratitude for happy Christmases. I’d say avoid it.

5. Avoid excessive levels of Christmas festivities in the run-up to the 25th.

I’m talking constant headphone-wearing to avoid the Christmas music, doing your shopping away from main high streets, and never venturing to anything with a name like ‘Winter Wonderland’. It can be distressing and exhausting when the world is filled with tinsel-covered decorations and you can’t escape the Christmas songs pouring out of every shop loudspeaker, but they’re somewhat avoidable if you plan ahead.

What’s more tricky to avoid is when your friends get overexcited about Christmas – both online and in person. Although you might feel like a Grinch, sometimes a gentle reminder that you’re not doing fantastically this year can help. Alternatively, just quietly mute their social channels for the Christmas period.

6. Fill up your time with a few events in the diary.

There’s always a chance you won’t feel up to it when the time comes – but having some activities already planned means you’re minimising your free time to sit and think. I’d particularly recommend having things planned for the weird week between Christmas and New Year – it’s the lull where everyone seems to disappear into family mode, and that can feel pretty isolating and triggering.

In the run-up to Christmas, arrange some specifically non-Christmassy activities to get away from the festive stress. Scheduling some quiet time with the people who love you can alleviate some of the loneliness brought on by grief.

NB: try to avoid committing to anything you’ll feel guilty about missing, or an event where people might be mad if you bail – you don’t need the added pressure! 

7. Decide where you’re going to spend Christmas Day.

Are you staying at home by yourself, or will you be with a partner? Would you prefer to spend Christmas Day at a friend’s house, or with extended family? Bear in mind you don’t have to stick to this plan, but it’s good to have some vague structure in place beforehand. That way if you wake up on Christmas morning already exhausted, you get to stumble through the day with minimal effort.

If you’re in a position where you might be expected to host Christmas yourself, definitely try and have some failsafes in place – be it a stack of takeout menus, food from the freezer or willing hands to do the cooking for you.

8. Expect that you might not be ok – but don’t mire yourself in anticipatory grief either.

I usually spend the weeks leading up to Christmas in an increasing state of worry. What if I break down in the supermarket aisle? What if I can’t stop crying all throughout Christmas Day? What if, what if, what if?

This year (thanks to a lot of therapy) I’ve realised that my Generalised Anxiety Disorder is the main culprit for my future-predicting thoughts – but it’s likely that anyone dealing with grief will feel more vulnerable, sensitive and upset during December. Anticipatory grief is a bitch of an emotion because it’s usually not representative of how you’ll actually feel on The Day. Instead of focusing on a black/white scenario of being ‘OK’ or ‘Not OK’, aim for the grey area in the middle. Which is probably more likely!

9. Actively ‘remember’ the person who died.

If it feels like you’re constantly avoiding the grieving elephant in the room – well, why not lean into it? Sometimes embracing the fear is less problematic than you imagine. Bring the person who died back into your Christmas: for me, that means watching home movies of my parents, looking at family photos, and retelling my favourite holiday stories about them. I make them more alive.

I know how much my mum adored Christmas, and how important it was for her to see her family happy – so in a roundabout sort of way I let her do it again.

9. Enjoy the possibility of creating new traditions.

My new Christmas with my friend’s family involves a vegan Christmas lunch, a walk in the park nearby, and playing an old board game called Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur (which my Dad and I brought to their house one year and the tradition stuck). Trying to recreate the old memories is a pretty dangerous activity, as it’s never going to feel the same. But changing and tweaking them into new traditions? That can work.

10. Treat yourself!

Just because you’re not getting presents from your parents anymore, that doesn’t mean you have to go without completely. Buy yourself something you’ve been lusting after for a while, or something which reminds you of them, or even the kind of present they might have bought for you. You can even wrap it if you want!

11. If you’re really dreading Christmas Day, do something totally different – like volunteering.

I’ve volunteered with a UK-based homeless charity called Crisis at Christmas almost every year throughout the last decade. I started the year before Mum died, and it’s strangely been really cathartic to have my own tradition that’s lasted me through the deaths of two parents. Spending a few days of the Christmas week with people from so many different walks of life is inspiring, humbling and honestly quite life-affirming for me – and it’s a good reminder that I’m not the only one who finds the festive season somewhat difficult.

12. Remember, you don’t have to celebrate Christmas at all. 

For some people, it makes the most sense to simply ignore the entire holiday and travel somewhere completely different. Unfortunately, I’ve come to realise this method doesn’t really work for me. When I’ve spent Christmas away from home (in San Francisco the first year after Mum died, and in Bolivia a few years later) I still felt just as sad – I just happened to be in a different part of the world.

However, what you CAN theoretically do to combat that sadness is fill your days with so much activity that you don’t have time to think. Escapism and distraction are your two key words here.

I’d recommend finding a jam-packed itinerary, perhaps with an organised tour company. Or round up a few friends who have an equal dislike of the holiday and all go away together, perhaps to a beach with plenty of cocktails..! There are even some grief support groups which arrange big trips with fellow griefsters to get through the holiday season en masse.

13. You have the freedom to choose what Christmas looks like for you.

It took me a long time to realise that I did actually want to celebrate Christmas in some form. It turns out that some traditions mean a lot to me (which is probably why it was so painful to lose them with my parents) and I’ve been lucky enough to have friends and chosen family who help celebrate those traditions: singing carols, opening stockings on Christmas morning, spending the day with people I’ve known my whole life who knew my parents really well too.

But I also get to decide that some elements of my past Christmases can be put to rest – or put on pause, at least. I don’t need to put up a tree in my house, or buy tons of presents out of stress and obligation. These things don’t make me feel any closer to my parents and it’s a strangely positive realisation to know their memory isn’t tied to every speck of my past Christmases.

14. Don’t be afraid to put yourself first – you’re allowed to be happy, whatever that looks like!

Ultimately, Christmas is your holiday – and ‘holiday’ really is the operative word. Think of it as little more than taking a break from your normal daily life and routine: if that means spending the day alone in bed, then that’s a perfectly acceptable Christmas. Just make sure that you’re doing what you want to do.

I have a decade of grieving Christmases behind me, and my feelings about Christmas are still bittersweet. They probably always will be. But I’ve made my peace with that now, more or less.

And so will you. I promise.

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  This time last year I could never have imagined where I’d be right now. But it happened. My dad died, and so my world shifted. Now, I’m spending a quiet Christmas Eve in my family house, without any surviving members of my family apart from me. And yet? That shifted world I inhabit is still beautiful. Different, yes – but undeniably beautiful. The dusk sky still shines with ethereal colours dancing through the clouds; traces of seawater still reflect smudges of fading light along the dappled sands, and it’s utterly mesmerising. I’ve been reflecting so much the past few weeks. I know my life has changed forever, but it’s still mine. I’ve spent the last decade since my mum’s death living fiercely: I’ve been experiencing everything I can of this beautiful world, and I won’t let that change. So merry Christmas, folks. The tide might be out in southwest Scotland, but soon it’ll come back to life again. And so will I

A post shared by Flora The Explorer (@florabaker) on Dec 24, 2017 at 8:29am PST

If you’d like to read more of my articles on dealing with grief, here’s a selection:

– The uncertainty of taking a loved one to hospital

– When community rallies around you in times of grief

– What happens when you’re grieving before a death?

– Saying goodbye when someone dies

– Three months of being an orphan

– Dealing with Christmas when you’re grieving

– Staying close to those you’ve lost by using their possessions

– Self care strategies for your mental health

– How to break the taboo of talking about death

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  The post How I Cope With The Loss of My Parents at Christmas appeared first on Flora The Explorer.

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