#i bought sushi for lunch because maybe eating something fun and good would move me

[khaotunq]

ppffftthh

[a-lbeit]

2020: a goddamn year in review

man oh man 

rang in the new year drunk as hell with incredible company at a party we crashed; kissed at least 3 people

went to work the next morning still drunk and laughed all through my shift. it was blake, abby, and jacob’s last day

tried sushi for the first time and had one last juke joint evening before britt left 

discovered the roof next to carnegie with rozi 

slept over at blake’s apartment with britt the night before we all had to move out and the program officially ended. it was a nice way to end it. man, who knew what was to come with the rest of the year

finally saw the holiday version of small world the last night that the park had the holiday decorations up. looking back, i sure am glad i was able to see that

blake was able to continue living in carnegie because of his professional internship. rozi and i snuck in and slept over at his place once or twice, running through the halls before the new set of CPs moved in. most of the apartments were unlocked, so we went up and saw our old place all empty and dark. we all climbed up to lyndsay’s top bunk and blake put his head on me. the next morning, we were all having breakfast when a couple of cleaning people came in lmfao 

got a spot for the cast preview of rise of the resistance. that’s a fucking cool ride, i gotta give it up 

went to the autopia drive-in. that was certainly something i’ll be forever grateful was able to happen. we all sat in the cars and watched incredibles 2 with hella snacks. it was unique and memorable and special. i remember sitting next to benny in the break room, although we didn’t know each other at that point

went to an event in la with rozi, taleeah, taleeah’s sister, and her boyfriend (now her fiancé, soon to be husband). got as drunk as i did on new year’s, ate some random hot wings, and puked in the uber. yikes 

called in an hour late to work the next day, even though my start time was already at 1pm lmao. i remember talking to matt about the night. i miss him sometimes. 

went on my first hike since my ankle broke. what a joyous moment, sincerely. to be back on my feet, in my hiking boots, on dirt, climbing between the valleys and hilltops. that first moment when the world is gracious enough to let you return to a large raison d’être. you feel indebted, truly. you feel like things really will be all right in the end. it is like nothing else--pure, fresh, and humbling.

got closer with my coworkers. i still miss them like hell. i think i always will. there was so much we were going to do together. i began to realize that i felt happiest at work.

one day at work, my coworker brenda and i were Y1 and Y2, and my coworker benny was track 2 line 3. he came up and told me something, i believe a joke about how he couldn’t hear my spiel (i’d always be pretty loud during my spiels lmao, enough for a couple of my leads to tell me to quiet down a bit). when he went back, brenda leaned across and said that she thought he thought i was cute. i’ll always remember that moment, i think. i still think about whether the guests waiting in the cars heard her and tuned into the gossip. i was taken aback, to say the least. i thought he was cool, but he hadn’t really been on my radar. that changed right then.

a few days later, i came back up to her and asked if she meant what she said. she said yeah, and asked if i thought he was cute. i said i think so. a few days after that, it was a rainy day and auto was closed. i was talking to her and asked her why she thought that. she finally told me that she’d heard it from her close friend josh, who hung out with benny. i was honestly fucking shook lmao. it was all so juvenile, but it was fun to think about.

went to troy’s birthday party, expecting to see benny. he didn’t show, but i had a great time anyway. i got the kind of drunk where you’re still in control, but you feel like you’re on top of the world.

had a lunch and park date with lexi and cassie. i told them about benny, and when cassie and i rode autopia, he was at auto 3 and we pretended our car had broken down. he played along.

went to alejandra’s 21st birthday party. i wasn’t too close to her; i only knew her through rozi. i’m glad we got so much closer over the course of the year. 

my self-confidence sort of skyrocketed. i bought new clothes and felt almost beautiful for once.

went to the cast preview of the new parade that was going to be at disneyland. lmfao that sure did go to shit. 

had a beautiful day at the parks with my coworkers. i wish i could have attended more of those days, but things changed quickly, as we all know. 

finally got off probation at work (which had been paused for the 3 months i was on medical leave) and found out i had been okayed to learn the nemo ride. i was excited to learn a second ride so soon after my probation ended, and i was excited that it was so unique. i mean, driving a submarine? come on. people may think it’s a lame attraction, but it’s not something you see everywhere. plus, it was also the other ride that benny knew. i had been trying to interact with him more at work in that coy way you might see in high school flirtation. like i said, it was juvenile. i claim it. 

started working toward becoming a trainer—lexi was really helpful, and it was nice to talk with anthony and jeff about it and to know that all these leads thought i would be a good pick

found out through brenda that billy thinks i’m hot LMFAO. an ego booster of sorts

my new coworker melissa started getting closer to me, and she’d message me and text me. she eventually said she was interested in me, and i was a little on edge for a while, but we’re close now. i like her a lot. (her ex ended up also sort of coming on to me months later lmao)

the week before the closure came about, went to arizona with rozi and blake to visit britt. what a weekend. it was short, but certainly meaningful. we were able to meet and hang out with her beautiful family, catch up, have some great laughs, eat fire food (including my first dutch bros experience 👀), and explore a new area. it was my first time in arizona, and we got to see a tiny bit of phoenix and spent a windy afternoon in flagstaff. i feel like that was the last time things were so easy between all of us.

started training at nemo for the majority of what would become the last week i would be working before the closure, which was announced only like 3 days before it actually happened. 

slept over at trev’s LMFAO 

passed my PA on thursday amidst a weird 101 with the attraction. i remember looking across the way at my coworkers in the auto pit (because autopia also had to go down when nemo was down), and benny saw me and waved at me, and then everyone else did, too. a nice moment. a small group of them finished their shift when i was at greeter at nemo, and when they walked by, they all waved again. 

after the closure was announced--something that was so unprecedented but also not taken seriously (it was just going to be a 2 week vacation, right? corona wasn’t that big a deal)--i picked up billy’s opening shift for friday, march 13th, the last day before the closure. i wasn’t excited for this “vacation” (like i said, i was happiest when i was at work. i was going to miss that place for the 2 weeks it would supposedly be closed), so i was very grateful to work once more at auto, one of my favorite places to be. it rained all morning, and we were only open for maybe an hour or so. i did a track walk with lexi, and i goofed around with all my friends. it was michelle’s birthday, so some of us brought some food for a potluck. i had lowkey hoped to see benny, but he didn’t work that day. oh well. it was a really great shift that would end up being my last, something that is so strange to say even after all this time. i even got up the courage to ask anthony to write a letter of rec for me for grad school.

a couple hours later, i met up with rozi and alejandra as guests in the park to get in some final fun before (what we thought would be) the 2-week closure. it was incredible, and at the end of the night, all the characters lined up at the train station to wave bye to us all. i know it’s disney and cringy, but i felt warm, albeit a little on edge.

the next evening, got pizza with some coworkers and went back to one of their houses. it was actually the brother of my nemo trainer lmfao. i followed benny on instagram that night while sitting at the dining room table. like 5 minutes later, he followed me back. 

a day or two later, had brunch with some other coworkers before everything shut down for real. i’m grateful for kiley for arranging those types of get-togethers. 

before the closure got extended indefinitely, before i started wearing a mask, before we really came to understand the gravity of covid, we had fun for a couple weeks. rozi and i went back to the roof next to carnegie with blake and we got caught. we went on a couple hikes. we’d go on almost daily evening walks and we’d do stairs in the morning. went to the beach. i really started to get into exercising, since i was no longer able to get the 20,000 steps i’d log at work each day. did those instagram tag games with my coworkers. engaged in all the activities that the early naïveté surrounding the pandemic brought, like whipped coffee. things weren’t great, but they were all right. we were still getting paid by disney, something that i do have to give props to the corporation for. they did what they could while they could. 

taleeah, rozi, and i all finally united over our mutual dislike of our other roommate. i started to avoid being in the same place as her, so i’d often sit on the floor in the living room since we didn’t have any furniture at the time. i sort of miss it. 

rozi moved out at the end of march. we hadn’t found anyone to replace her. we started splitting the rent evenly 3 ways. was it fair? not necessarily, but i mean, it wouldn’t have been fair any other way, either. that’s the way it goes. and you have to accept it.

benny remained in the back of my mind. my coworkers would have zoom calls, and i joined a couple of them at the beginning of quarantine. it was nice to talk to them, although i mostly just listened to their conversations. i hate video calls. 

even though the closure was indefinite, we all kept saying we’d be back by june, august at the latest. 

blake got laid off and ended up driving back home to tennessee. i hate that i cried when we said goodbye. 

rozi came back to visit for the first time at the beginning of may

started getting a bit creative with my meals. just a bit

my unemployment finally started coming in, and i felt rich for a minute

rozi would come back about once a month or so. we’d take nice photos, get açaí and coffee, and pretend everything was gonna be over soon 

rozi, blake, britt, and i all talked about meeting up again. we decided to fly out to tennessee at the end of july, coinciding with my birthday, actually. we bought our tickets and had plans to stay with blake and his family. it was going to be a beautiful reunion.

paid off my credit card for the first time since the end of 2017 (after having to load it up during my medical leave when i was the brokest i’ve ever been). it was incredibly freeing.

mindy moved back to oc, and we hung out for the first time since florida. it was a nice reunion, and i’m glad to have her as a friend who lives nearby

the end of may rolled around, and in the days following george floyd’s murder, there sure was a big change all around. the fire died down eventually, like it always does, but it hit harder this time around. saw one of my coworkers at the protest i attended. it was, and still is, a moving time marked so clearly with disgusting and incessant realities.

daisy moved in. i’m so incredibly grateful we’ve crossed paths. she is genuine and generous and a kind soul.

got açaí and coffee and went mini-golfing with rozi and a couple of her friends for her birthday. left my sunglasses at the course, took a chance and went back to look for them, and was overjoyed when i saw them resting at the 14th hole. thank you, whoever you were who put them there rather than taking them.

dalenna went out of town for 10 whole and beautiful days, and i completed the chloe ting 2 week shred. i’m so glad i did. it was the beginning of workouts that i actually enjoy doing and feel accomplished about doing. i feel strong and i look strong now, and i really do feel sort of indebted to chloe, as stupid as that sounds. seeing the bones in my hands, i like myself nowadays. i still treat myself probably way too much, but i feel disciplined. 

started graduate school, something that i’m still shook was possible during these times 

had a picnic with some coworkers, the first time i’d seen them in months. catching up with them was like nothing else

bought roller skates lmfao, and went roller skating with mindy because the rink reopened for a while

a couple days later, went back with rozi and taleeah

we ended up cancelling our plans to fly out to visit blake. covid was hard to deal with, obviously. it didn’t seem safe, and things didn’t seem right—with the world and within our group. i really hate what’s become of it. i miss the relationship i had with blake before rozi joined in, if i’m being honest. 

tried to skate outside of a rink, but it’s just not for me lmao. i’m happy to have my own pair for whenever the rinks reopen again, though

for the 4th of july, taleeah and i got bomb food and ate in a park. i’ve really grown so close to her over the past half year or so, and i’m thankful for it. we’re different, for sure, but i think that she and i have a very similar understanding of life.

my ipod had broken a couple months back, and i finally bought a new one, although i didn’t actually set it up with my music until months later 

went to laughlin with alejandra, taleeah, and rozi for a couple days. we melted in the triple digit heat, got a lot of dutch bros, did a drive-by of vegas (my first ever view of it—what a sight to see, all empty but still lit up), swam in lake mohave, and even drove over to the grand canyon for a day. i couldn’t help but be smitten with the grandeur of that part of the country. alejandra threw up several times while we were doing a hike, but she never stopped smiling and laughing and even flirting with a man from iowa. i admire and respect her endlessly. 

for a few days, that instagram meme of random names being put on random objects (like a frog or a seinfeld screen cap) was huge. i went through many of those, sending them to everyone. i sent a couple to benny. and i even said fuck it and sent one to tucker. he responded almost immediately and we started catching up. it was strange, but it was so incredibly nice. i told him my grievances, and he apologized. and we started talking like old friends again. 

went to downtown disney on the 65th anniversary of disneyland opening. a strange sort of homecoming in the midst of crippling uncertainty (something that still overwhelms me--but at least i’m not in the purgatory of furlough anymore. at least I know my fate)

with my birthday coming up, i had decided to rent a car for a few days (i had a couple free days with hertz) to explore southern california a bit, an activity long overdue. on disneyland’s birthday, there was a special zoom call that my coworkers were having, and i hopped on it for a while. benny was on it, like he always was. part of my plan—the main part, actually—was to go to salvation mountain, slab city, and the salton sea. i told everyone about it, and benny and i got to talking about it for a couple minutes because he had done a photoshoot there for his band. it was the most we’d talked in months. then i got off the call to facetime tucker LMFAO. we flirted a bit. we hung up after a while and i actually got back on the zoom call because i felt so good. that evening was a real high for me, socially speaking.

in the days and weeks that passed, tucker and i got close again. he’d call me cute and say he missed me. he was into me again, that’s for damn sure. it was nice for a minute. i even thought about flying out east to visit my parents and to see him in december

2 days before my birthday, i drove around all day, up to solvang and san luis obispo and back down to malibu to try to see the comet that was rolling through. it was pretty stupid of me to think malibu would be a good place to see it. it was cloudy as hell, but it was still beautiful. then i drove home along the worst part of the PCH just because it was the PCH. the next evening, taleeah and i went to the top of the world in laguna and we think we saw it. several people had the same idea, but i enjoyed the sense of community we all had. earlier in the day, i had driven to the us-mexico border where the PCT starts and walked along the first mile or so. it was incredible to see that in person. maybe one day, i’ll see it as a thru-hiker. who really knows. anyway, after the comet, we drove back home and stopped to get my free dozen birthday doughnuts from krispy kreme. 

the next day was my birthday. the night before, i asked taleeah if i should invite our other roommate. we decided it was probably a good idea to, just to be nice, even though we don’t like her. it was very last-minute of us, so we thought she’d say no. she said yes. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, and i’m glad i invited her. it’s nice to be inclusive. we drove to the desert, blasting my music that i so rarely get to blast while driving. seeing salvation mountain in person was a really fascinating experience. it was faded from the sun and it was empty. sheer beauty. i love the unassuming presence of the whole area and how everyone lives off the grid. then, we went to bombay beach and the salton sea. the gritty art next to the toxic waters made for some really fucking cool vibes. it was hot as hell, of course, and i didn’t mind, but dalenna did get a bit overheated. she doesn’t drink water, ever. it was all right, though. she was a trooper, i’ll give her that. i had a great day, and i hope taleeah and dalenna did, as well. we ended the day in riverside, seeing the mission inn that my father and his sisters often speak of.

i got so many birthday messages that day (including from benny). it made me feel really loved

honestly, i loved that rental car. the sound system was crystal clear

i had gotten really fucking tan by this point, since i’d go on walks and be outside so often. the socal kiss of summer really is something

did the hollywood hike for the first time with matty. seeing those letters up close and personal makes you really think about the history of the area, the rich (albeit troubled) cultural history of the silver screen

got extremely drunk with rozi at my apartment and facetimed tucker. it was the beginning of the end with that, even though he said he would love to have me over

reached the end of my first quarter of grad school. the last day, i took the train into la and met up with rozi so that we could gallivant around the city in an attempt to find billboards advertising blackbear’s new album—there was a contest on twitter that rozi was trying to win. it was one of the best days, really. we went to the grove and the pink wall and a bit of the abandoned la zoo. it was so fucking hot, but it didn’t even matter. when i got back to anaheim, i submitted my final group project and even had time to meet up with a few coworkers in a park to doodle and gossip. one of my favorite days of the year, honestly

the next day, i treated myself to my free bagel and cream cheese from bruegger’s and a latte, ate in the noguchi garden that i love so much, and ordered a new computer (which came with free airpods). the computer took a month to get here, but i had my airpods 2 days later 

then, a couple days after that, rozi and i went on the road trip of the year all the way to portland (i won’t say exactly how many times we stopped at dutch bros, but it was...a lot)

we started off by driving to this kitschy western-themed shop about 3 hours north. then we drove all the way to redding in norcal

the next morning, we did a hike in shasta national forest. seeing snow on the mountain in august was like nothing else. it finally felt like fall

on we went, getting a quick photo in the town of weed, of course, before making our way to bend, oregon, to see the last blockbuster standing. i bought a tote bag. it’s one of those things you just have to do. we finally rolled into portland at the end of the night

the next day, we explored the city a bit before meeting up with my friend katie who i met while working in florida. it was so fucking beautiful to see her again. we reminisced and caught up and she showed us around her neck of the woods in vancouver

the day after was a hiking day for sure. rozi and i went to multnomah falls, one of those things you always see in photos and feel so lucky to be able to see in person, and then to the bridge of the gods, where cheryl strayed ended her PCT hike. walking across that bridge was another favorite moment of my year. then we wound up in mt hood national forest. the hike we did had wild huckleberries along much of the trail that we snacked on, feeling like true foragers. again, the snow on the mountain makes you feel some type of way.

our last day in that area, we drove through some of washington, stopping at some ice caves and then going all the way to mt st helens. crazy stuff. we vowed to come back to do the hike around the crater someday

our journey back began, and we drove down the oregon coast. those cloudy beaches and coastal drives are something of an emblem of the tail end of a PNW summer, it seems.

the last day of the trip, we met up with rozi’s friend in sausalito, gazing out at sf across the bay, and then with her other friend in carmel (after driving over the golden gate and blasting scott mckenzie’s “san francisco,” something that just must be done). i want to have a more prolonged experience in the monterey area. so unique a place.

seeing the skies tinged orange from all the forest fires was something else. what a year of burning.

slept over at trev’s again lmao, maybe for the last time. had the best kind of la day afterwards, wandering celebrity graves at the hollywood forever cemetery and treating myself to bougie drinks at peet’s and groundwork coffee at the grove. i even saw the charmed house before taking the train back. it was the one-year anniversary of breaking my ankle and i had grown so much, come so far, felt so full. even if the midst of all the shit, i was happy. happiness despite my surroundings is sort of a theme of the year, as tone-deaf as that may sound. i am content with my life, sure, but i am not blind to the despair.

got really pissed at and hurt by tucker again, and learned my lesson this time. his mixed signals sure are something else. whatever. we’re cool now, friendly acquaintances. 

my next quarter of school started. 4 classes, all for free (i’d done 3 the previous quarter). i always try to remember how goddamn lucky i am, even when i’m feeling lazy

the one-year anniversary of my surgery passed on september 26th. again, i couldn’t believe how fortunate i had been with my recovery journey. i am indebted to that injury more than i can fathom. it brought the change i had been in desperate need of. i was happy previously. a little too naive, though. that injury developed me and made appreciate so, so much the life that i have, the abilities and strength that i have. over a year later, and here i am, still writing about it as if it happened a month ago. i’m thankful for that test. 

took a trip to santa barbara for the weekend with rozi and taleeah. rozi showed us around her old stomping grounds from when she attended UCSB, and we chilled out in some hot springs. we stopped in oxnard on the way back and hung out with taleeah’s family, going fishing and eating lunch with them. 

i saw on benny’s band’s instagram that they were having a real live show the day we were coming back. i was disappointed i couldn’t go, since i wasn’t in the area. i’d always wanted to go to one of his shows. i hoped there would be more. 

my new computer finally came in lmao

a couple days later, went to san diego for the weekend, this time with rozi and alejandra. we got to know the city a bit; it was a short introduction but i enjoyed the beach and the architecture. we all even played crazy 8s with tucker 

amidst all of that, 28k layoffs at disney were announced. we knew in the back of our minds that we’d be a part of those. 

the movies theaters reopened, and i started going again. it was a nice, simple way to spend my evenings.

the conflict between armenia and azerbaijan escalated around this time, and rozi was deeply affected, of course understandably so. i can’t empathize with what she was going through, but i really felt for her. and i checked up on her. but she ghosted everyone and was really sort of tunnel-visioned about how people should react to and discuss the conflict. and i realized that i had come to rely on her presence too much. so i distanced myself from her. i also realized that she is most of the reason that britt, blake, she, and i aren’t as close as we once were. she has a very dominating presence, and i’ve realized that i don’t like that things often have to be on her terms or are dictated by her—not in terms of what we do, but in terms of the general vibe of a relationship. so i keep that in mind now. i love her, truly. but i’ve been able to step back. i don’t jump to text her whenever i have news anymore. maybe that will change again. but anyway.

hiked in crystal cove again, the first hike i had done after my ankle healed back in january, this time for one of my classes. it was a really nice day to myself

submitted my absentee ballot. i really didn’t know what was going to happen. it sure was a case of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. 

did my first hike with daisy and rich, something that became incredibly fun the few times we did it, even though this first time, we didn’t get too far. we’re hoping to get back into it relatively soon 

did the hollywood hike again with matty 

went with taleeah to get her tattoo. she got the email about getting laid off that morning, but she didn’t let it get to her. a couple days later, i got my email.

i had seen that benny’s band was doing another show, and i was determined to go. taleeah said she would go with me. i was scared as hell, but i messaged my coworker troy and asked him about it, since he’d gone the show a couple weeks prior. it looked like a real possibility. i didn’t message benny at all LMFAO

on october 30, i got my eyebrow pierced. it was something i’d had in the back of my mind for years. now that i didn’t have to worry about staying in disney look anymore, i decided to say to hell with it. later that day, i did go to benny’s show. another one of my favorite days of the year, for sure.

i was messaging troy beforehand so that i could meet up with him. i was too scared to go with only taleeah. i needed someone that benny and i both knew there. 

i saw benny, and avoided him like hell. i hadn’t been this nervous in a long time. 

troy finally showed up with his girlfriend, and we all talked for a while. finally, benny was about to go on, and he was putting his instruments on the stage. he saw me. did a double take. put down his drum immediately to hug me. it was nice. 

after his set, taleeah and i sat at a table outside, and this other person we’d been talking to, brandy, sat next to taleeah and talked with us. then benny joined, sitting next to me. we talked all night. 6 hours absolutely flew by. i was on cloud 9. we all made a group chat to go hiking. and it actually ended up working out. benny hugged me goodbye and asked for my number, although i merely said it was in the group chat LMAO

hiked again with daisy and rich, and we got farther this time. it was autumnal up there in the mountains. 

went to a sexy santa halloween party that mindy threw. i looked good as hell

election day came and went without a winner. nerve-racking. 

went to downtown disney with melanie and delaney. it was nice to catch up with them for the first time in months 

biden was eventually officially projected to win. it was a surreal moment, a calming moment, a moment of peace. what a long, strange trip it’s been, that’s for damn sure. 

actually went on a hike with brandy and benny. unfortunately, taleeah had been getting bad vertigo and had to bail. i couldn’t believe it had worked out in some form, though. i was hanging out with benny outside of work. 

my quarter was once again coming to an end, and i finished it pretty unenthusiastically. although i had registered for the next quarter, i knew that with my impending layoff at the end of the year, i wouldn’t be able to continue on for free. eventually, i withdrew from the next quarter. i’ll probably pay out of pocket, but i’m still weighing my options. that was probably the most devastating part of my year. getting over halfway done with a master’s degree for free, well on my way to complete it in just one calendar year, and then having that ripped away. but i do try to remember that i got over halfway in 2 quarters. that’s nothing to sneeze at. and i’m beyond grateful. and i will finish it, hopefully in the next year or so. 

brandy randomly called me a few days after our hike and asked if i wanted to do another hike. i said sure, although not that same day. we did another hike, this time just us two. i wondered if that meant anything. i hoped not. he did ask me out at the end of that hike. i turned him down, and it wasn’t a big deal at all. i’m very glad we’re friends. we continued to do hikes separate from the rest of the group, and i actually told him the next time about benny.

hiked with daisy and rich again, this time in snow. it was absolutely beautiful, although terrifying sometimes. what a way to kick off the holiday season. 

benny invited us to a bonfire at his place, and i was the only one of our group to go. i met his friends

got my 1 year service pin LMFAO 

started really going on weekly hikes with brandy, usually once during the week and one on the weekend with benny and taleeah, as well. the weekend get-togethers turned into sometimes doing stuff other than hiking 

went to downtown disney and the newly opened buena vista street with rozi and alejandra. once again, i looked good as hell. rozi posted a picture of us all on her insta, and tucker hit me up LMFAOOOOOOO

zuri invited me to thanksgiving with her family. they were so fucking lovely and welcoming to me. i will never forget it. 

the next day, met up with rozi in la and went to citywalk for the first time. then we went to hollywood blvd just because. we met up with alejandra and were tourists for a minute, ending the night at the grove, where we went to umami burger and i got a black burger bun that turned my shit green LMFAO 

went with alejandra to get her tattoo. it was so much quicker than taleeah’s and i was surprised lol 

went to company d a few times toward the end of the year, including once with mindy; afterwards, we went to the knott’s version of downtown disney 

later that night (december 8th, to be exact), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went to downtown disney in the evening and then came back to our place to watch the princess bride. what a night. what was supposed to be an innocent wine and movie night turned into benny and i getting extremely, extremely drunk. we decided to put on white christmas after princess bride ended. that was when i was really starting to feel drunk. benny and i ended up on the couch together, and i was lying on him after a while. i remember pointing out how hot the skinny bitch in white christmas is, and i remember him saying that i have better curves than her. we sort of started flirting. the movie ended, and brandy needed to go home. benny ended up deciding to stay over. taleeah walked brandy down, and basically immediately after they left, i asked benny if he’d ever kissed anyone. he said no. i asked if he wanted to. he said yeah. we kissed. and then kissed some more. lmao. we laid together on the couch for the rest of the night, dozing off and kissing in between. we went to my apartment’s rooftop to see the sunrise and talked for a while. he left around 8am or so. we kissed goodbye. i sat on down on the couch and thought and thought and thought. 

i was absolutely shook. goddamn. rozi came over later because we were going to go to laughlin again with alejandra for a few days. i enjoyed rehashing the events of the night.

we left for laughlin, and the morning of (in the dutch bros line, coincidentally), benny texted me to officially ask me out. it was cute. 

it was great couple days—we went to the hoover dam and then to oatman, where there are wild burros that roam the streets of that dated section of route 66, and even spent a night in vegas at the stratosphere. rozi and i went on the rides at the top of it, which was fucking insane, and we all walked the strip, which i’d never done before. i always think of the partridge family when i think of vegas. 

after coming back from laughlin, taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went on a super short “hike” and then came back and watched white christmas for real this time. benny and i hadn’t gone out yet (this was the first time since that eventful drunken night), and we barely touched all night. all 3 of them separately told me how awkward it was, but i didn’t really think so.

finally went on our date. it was the first real date i’d ever been on, apart from the in n out thing tucker and i went on more than a year prior. it was cute, innocent. benny doesn’t drive, so he had his friend chauffeur us to this hipster food hall 😂. we ate and talked (i do lowkey hope to educate him on some social and economic issues), and then he had had plans for a bonfire at the beach, but it was getting late and the beach was closing. so, we went back to his place and had a bonfire there. he finally asked if he could kiss me again, and we ended up taking things back to his bedroom. it was really late by that point, and i didn’t want to make his friend drive me back home. so i stayed over. it was a good night. when i left in the morning, i told him to buy condoms.

brandy, benny, and i hiked black star canyon finally—a good hike, although we lost brandy for a bit because he was rock scrambling so much faster than us.

the evening of the 23rd, benny and i had our second date; we went mini golfing and then came back to my place because my roommate had thankfully left that morning to go home for the holiday. this was the first time i’d ever brought a guy to my place (apart from a couple hours at carnegie with tucker). we watched home alone 2 and a few episodes of seinfeld, and we finally had sex. it’s the only time we’ve done it so far just because it’s so goddamn hard for us to have time alone, but it was nice. i liked having him next to me in my own bed for once. 

the next morning, he left. it was christmas eve. it was the best christmas eve ever—i ate a shitload of food and just chilled without having to deal with my roommate. 

christmas morning, i woke up and had a lovely morning—worked out and chilled out and even had a zoom call with my family. daisy and rich invited to me to spend christmas dinner with them, which was such a kind gesture. we had delicious food and watched some of die hard and then the jim carrey version of a christmas carol. i came back for a peaceful evening by myself.

i was honestly missing benny and still had one more day before any of my roommates came home (and a few more days until my actual roommate came home), so i invited him to stay over again. i like just being in his presence.

brandy and i went on one final outing before the new year, working out and doing a short hike in bolsa chica. views of the snow-covered mountains on one side and the goddamn pacific ocean on the other made me think about the unusual, very particular perfection of southern california. 

my roommates and i decided to have a very small kickback for new year’s eve. in the couple days leading up to it, we bought decorations and planned food. taleeah and i returned our costumes finally, the layoff to go into effect the next day. it was strange to think only now, 9 months since we’d last worked, were we to officially separate from the company. it was a good run. 

that same day (the 30th), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all had one final hangout of the year--a boat cruise in newport to see the holiday lights that the rich people put on their houses. benny put his arm around me. we were close to each other while we gazed at the lights. i was happy. one last bit of holiday fun before the worries of 2021 arrived at our doorstep.

new year’s eve started out uneventful, but became an incredible night. i wore a fucking hot dress. (it’s become so nice to see myself and be proud of the way i look. i know it’s probably shallow to have become so focused on the way my body looks, but i am proud. i have become strong. i have become pretty fit. and i like that about myself. i think it reflects something so much deeper about my outlook on life.) the only people we ended up having over were benny and taleeah’s date, martin. brandy ended up having a sinus infection and couldn’t make it last minute, and i had invited mindy and her boyfriend, but they spent the evening at his family’s house. so it was just taleeah, martin, benny, dalenna, and me. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, once the boys had arrived. we played a music trivia game, listened to music, and ate pizza. benny and i were the only ones really drinking, although taleeah had a bit, as well. a little before midnight, we found something to stream for west coast time, and when the clock struck midnight, we all toasted with the fancy prosecco that benny had brought (minus dalenna) and i kissed him. i’d never had a new year’s kiss, especially not one right at midnight. it was wonderful. and then we went onto the porch and blew our noisemakers and yelled out happy new year, and fellow residents came out and said the same. it was nice to have that human connection, even in times like these. and then we decided to go to the roof, and we again yelled out happy new year on our way across the street, and people came out onto their porches and said the same. we gazed at the lights of anaheim and the lights in the sky. we saw a few fireworks. benny and i were making out, and so were taleeah and martin. benny and i snuck off for like an hour to a dark little section of the roof you’re not supposed to walk on. eventually, we rejoined the other two and we all talked with a guy playing his guitar named cowboy chris. it was cold, so we came back to our apartment after a while. benny left around 3 or so, i believe, to catch a flight to cleveland with his friend. i walked him down and we procrastinated the goodbye for a good few minutes, and then i came back and went to bed. and then i woke up, and 2020 had truly been kicked out, and 2021 had started with a nice stimmy direct deposit. 2021, be good. there is so much promise for this year. i’m excited, albeit wary, to see how it all plays out.

over the year, some things were constant or else developed slowly over months:

really grew to love working out. i still absolutely hate gym culture and i really don’t like to broadcast my exercise, but i love doing it so much.

listened to music truly in a new light—who would have thought i would come to branch out more than i ever have, to see how cool and beautiful and noteworthy absolutely everything is? i know that that is not news in any way, and i know that i have a lens that i look through that i need to work on widening. but at any rate, i am so thankful to my friends for letting me in to their own libraries. 

missed driving, as always, although i am very content to not have to deal with the stresses and expenses of having a car. i just wish i had more friends who also didn’t have cars so i didn’t always feel indebted.

missed my job like nothing else. autopia is the best place I have ever worked without a single doubt in my mind. the people i work with, the leads, the job itself. it is fun and involved and just plain cool. i hope to return, although i don’t really think i will. who knows, though. 

tried to support gavin newsom with all my heart. he has made his best efforts, but i just wish he wasn’t so hypocritical. i will continue to support him, though, i think, but without such a star in my eye.

toward the end of the year, played among us a few times with my group from florida. i forgot how much i miss them all.

songs of the year: “before the deluge,” jackson browne, “all the debts i owe,” caamp, “which way are you goin,” jim croce. browne’s lyricism and intonations just strike you--gently, but with a certain meaningful force that i don’t feel too often. i think of “before the deluge” a lot and i relate it to my own life throughout 2020, in an abstract sort of way. 2020 gave so much to me, yes, and i feel gratitude for it. but it certainly was a deluge unlike many of us had ever seen before. and we haven’t gotten past it yet, but we are doing our best to “keep our spirits high” and “keep our children dry”--and songs like this make it easy for me to keep up that state of mind. “all the debts i owe” always makes me think of blake, how he had to leave but maybe he’ll be back one day. i remember listening to that song on the bus to work back in january and february, so captivated by it. i had no idea how the lyrics would soon become so close to me. and then “which way are you goin.” croce will always have relevance in the most unpretentious and poignant manner. 

what a goddamn whirlwind. 2020, the year that no one could have fathomed, the year that we’ll say we barely got through—hell, so many of us didn’t make it at all. and that is unjust. the pandemic made its mark on us all, transformed us all. and i’ll speak to that in a minute. but the conflicts, the war crimes, the ignorance, the unwillingness to listen and compromise and communicate. this year, people strayed far too often into grotesque, violent, and inhumane realities. azerbaijan’s control of artsakh was such a blow for armenians, the result of an awful and unnecessarily (and unjustifiably) violent war. and the western world often glossed over it, and continues to. i unfortunately still remain pretty ignorant on the issue, but it seems easy to see the layers of hatred and disgusting desire for control that have fueled that conflict. nigeria’s protests against sars spoke to the issue of major police brutality that so deeply impacts many cultures, and it’s disheartening, to say the least, that the western world also willfully remained ignorant through it all. it’s so common a grievance, but one that doesn’t seem to change. it doesn’t seem like it can, not unless some major cultural and even psychological reform or rebirth comes about. it’s the same reason i believe in communism, but i don’t believe it’s realistic in this world (although i could change my stance in time). anyway. 2020 threw obstacles like nothing else. obviously, as someone living in the us, i easily get wrapped up just in domestic issues. i’m glad so many movements gained such serious traction in a time when people are often home and are attached to their information sources. it made everything strike more deeply, i think. nothing has resolved, though. resting on laurels will make any prospect of development completely futile. persistence is fundamental.

at the end of the day, a few things stick with me absolutely always, in spite of any hardship. this life is beautiful. it is unmatched. it is authentic, challenging, full of grit and light and purity. it kicks us sometimes, and then it pats us on the back. and it is an honor like absolutely nothing else to be able to be a part of it. i let myself feel bad; it’s part of the human condition and experience, and one that has value. but through it, i never find it hard to keep in mind the grace that the planet has for us. the gratitude overwhelms my entire torso and i cherish it.

“a victory lap through these impossible days”

[purplesurveys]

924

Do you have a taste in your mouth right now? What of? Just the faint taste of coffee since I have a cup at the moment but haven’t drunk from it in the last few minutes. Which is your least favourite day of the week? I’ve lost the concept of the days of the week for a few months now, man. Back when we used to do things, though, I hated Sundays as I felt loneliest on that day. It was always an automatic thing too so I had little control over it. If told to clean the house, would you be more inclined to clean one room really well or clean all of the rooms with hardly any effort? Clean all rooms with maximum effort. I’d be really bugged if I didn’t strive to be perfect with the whole place lol. Do you put glue on the object you're sticking down or on the paper? Object, so that the amount of glue I’m putting would be accurate. What was your last dream about? I don’t remember the details anymore but at the very least, I know it was very vivid since I remembered it throughout the morning. I’ve been having very detailed dreams lately – it’s the depression for sure. 

What is your favourite part of the last movie you watched? Haven’t seen a movie in a while but the last thing I watched in full was The Crown; Vanessa Kirby as Princess Margaret really shone through in the last episode I saw. Have you stuck any stickers to the computer you're using? I put all my stickers onto my laptop case but not the laptop itself. I haven’t had the case on for a while now though, since I’m always just at home now. Do you ever write or talk to yourself in your head when you're bored? Yes or when I’m feeling upset, as long as I’m alone. I’ve found that talking to myself is a healthy way to address and deal with my emotions. What interests you the most about other people? What I find interesting always varies. I have friends who I find interesting for their music tastes; some others for their knowledge of random trivia; some for their jobs, etc. It’s always different. Do you ever take random pictures out of boredom? What of? Not really. If I take photos it’s because I want to remember a moment or because I find something cute or funny. Basically anything that elicits a strong emotion out of me, I’m bound to take a picture of. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Headphones. How many siblings do you have? Do you get on with them? I have two siblings. I only get along with my sister; I have not talked to my brother since last year and have no desire to again. Would you rather live in a log cabin or a brick house? Mmm I’d take the brick house. Log cabin would be nice for a quick getaway, but I wouldn’t want it to be my permanent home. There’s a psychological factor in there and I just think that staying in a log cabin would make me feel suffocated eventually, haha. Do you have a calendar up for this year? I have a ‘Job Applications’ calendar that I’m currently monitoring, and it tracks the applications I’ve sent out to different companies and how long I’ve been waiting for a response from each of them. Really needing some positive vibes and energy since I actually just got my first rejection notice today. Other than that this year has been pretty fucking boring and there’s been little need to keep an active calendar. What was the very first CD you bought? The first CD I remember asking my parents to buy for me was like the High School Musical official soundtrack. I was big on Disney as a kid and wasn’t a big fan of any solo acts or bands up until I was around 10. Do you keep things like old train tickets, etc? Yessssssss. Do you like your smile? Why (not)? I like it; I find my smile friendly and warm. I just hate smiling with my teeth at the present since one of my front teeth protrudes. Can’t wait to get braces again. Would you rather be able to sing or dance? Why? Dance. Dancers are super hot, lmao. What was your favourite colour when you were a kid? Do you still like it? It was purple/violet and it was mostly influenced by my great-grandma who lovedddd the color and had it everywhere in her home. When she passed away, my love for the color slowly faded away and I don’t think too much of it now. Have you ever said 'lol' in real life? Haha yeah sometimes. I pronounce it as ‘lohl’ and never ‘el oh el’ though. Do you like your friend's parents? I like most of their parents, though I’m aware that some have abusive tendencies. Most of the parents are super nice, though. JM’s mom cooked a big lunch for us once and his dad buys like four party-sized boxes of pizza every time we come over, Angela’s parents treat me like their own kid, Gab’s mom constantly tells me she loves me...it’s in the little things. How many times have you moved? I can remember just the two times, but I know that we moved several times more when I was an infant. Have you ever refused to try a certain food? Which? Most stuff with fruits, hah. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, like when a sushi roll has mango or if I’m having banoffee pie, but I almost always refuse a meal with some kind of fruit in it. What's your favourite type of soup? Not really big on soup. I just like miso. Very occasionally I’ll have mushroom soup too. What is your favourite candle scent? I don’t buy candles nor do I know people who regularly get them, so I’m not very familiar with the different scents. Does the sight of blood make you feel ill? In real life, it would. I always have to look away whenever Gabie gets a nosebleed ha. But I have no problem watching bloody wrestling matches and I actually enjoy the bloodier ones. Super weird quirk of mine. What do you call it when you're sick anyways? (Sick, ill, not well, etc) If I’m referring to a fever I call it sick/ill/not feeling well. If I feel like throwing up I say I’m getting dizzy/need to vomit. I’ve never referred to puking as ‘getting sick,’ and it took me a very long time to realize that it was a common American saying, haha. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? I did, and I felt super betrayed when I put my tooth under my pillow only to see it again the next morning. If you had to appear in a movie, which genre would you choose? Coming of age. What do you do with unwanted gifts? I keep them, since I still appreciate the effort of the gift-giver. Are there any clothes you haven't worn in ages, that you've suddenly started wearing again? HAHA yes. There will be rare instances where I get to go out and I always take the time to look stylish as all fuck, even though I’m only running an errand and wearing flashier pieces would be so unnecessary. I just miss dressing up and looking cute, man. Do any keys on your keyboard stick? Like, if they’re sticky? No. Would you rather own a laptop or a computer? Laptop. Love it when things are portable. Do you think you'll look at old photos of yourself and be embarrassed? My teenage years are definitely bad especially with regard to my fashion choices lol, but so are everyone else’s so I’m not super embarrassed. I cringe at the photos but I wouldn’t mind if my friends poked fun at them because chances are I’d join in too. What was the worst hairstyle you ever had? I always hated it whenever my mom took me to the salon to have my hair rebonded. That kind of look has never worked with my face shape and so I usually did everything for my hair to start curling up quicker and go back to its original form. Do you like t-shirts with sayings on them? Why (not)? Not really. It’s just not a personal preference. I like plain or slightly printed pieces. Do you click on the adverts at the side of the screen? No. Have you ever coughed and sneezed at the same time? I’m sure it’s happened before. Are you embarrassed to show people your ID photo? Nah. Whatever dude. Have / would you ever become a cheerleader? I haven’t, but I would have loved to. We don’t have a cheerleading club or varsity in my old school though so I was never able to hone my skills, if ever. What's the longest you've gone without eating? Maybe a little more than 24 hours. What is one of your biggest irrational fears? Commercials airing at night. I find jingles and graphic effects unsettling by a certain hour lol. What comes up when you press Ctrl + V? “I reeeeally miss seeing you and your purple things and seeing you give glares to people who deserve it. what a lodi <333” omg aw. It’s Jane’s birthday today and I copied that bit of my greeting to move it to another paragraph so that my message would flow better. Out of the bands you listen to, were most of them around before or after you were born? After. When did you last jump out of fright? I don’t remember. Are you currently waiting on something? What? For a company to take me in. Does time pass slowly or quickly when you're on the internet? Usually it’s quickly, but now that I feel more and more useless around the house, time’s been more slow and for the first time the distractions of the internet haven’t been working. What about when you're at school / work? Depended on the amount of stuff I had to do and whether I’m enthusiastic about them or not. Does the thought of being pregnant gross you out? The thought of giving birth does, but not pregnancy. What was the last thing you made with your hands? I mean I made myself a cup of coffee tonight, but the coffee mix itself was already pre-packaged. I just mixed it with hot water. Are you good at making shadow puppets? I’d say no. Are you more hungry or thirsty right now? Neither. I’ve been so anxious and depressed these days I’m actually skipping every single meal except dinner, and even then I eat very little. I don’t even do it on purpose; my anxiety has simply stopped me from feeling hungry. No idea what the weighing scale’s gonna tell me the next time I check, sigh. Someone hire me plz. God it really sucks being a fresh grad in this current state of the world. Are you prone to headaches? No. They only come out during hectic schedules and stressful weeks. Do you forget things easily? The little and everyday things, like forgetting my school ID at home or where I placed my keys. But I don’t forget things that are more bigger-picture, like birthdays or faces or memories. Do you enjoy going out to dinner? I enjoy it and I terribly miss being able to do it. Would you ever go on a cruise ship holiday? I would and I have. Lots of fun. Would do again and again. What's your favourite sea animal? Dolphins and whales. Do you get coughs or colds more? Coughs.

[kennaxbelle]

Lunch and boys || McRose

tagging: @kennaxbelle & @maddiemccarthy

location: Madison’s office

time frame: June 17th, Afternoon

about: Lunch and boys...specifically @puckrmn

warnings: nada

McKenna had been having an interesting few days to say the least and last night was no different. After having a somewhat lazy morning, she packed up a few things and made her way over to the shop to see Madison. She had bought them chocolate ice cream and then pressed her lips together in thought as she tried to figure out what to get them for lunch. Shrugging, she made her way over to the office and walked in with her bag of ice cream that she’d put in a cold bag and smiled over at Madison. “Hey, sunshine. How’re you this morning?” She asked, leaning her head over to the side and then walking on into the office to place her bags down and looked back over to her best friend.

When Madison had suggested the two of them hang out and potentially cry into a pint of ice cream, it had been meant to be for Kenna’s benefit. She wanted to help her friend through the mental process of letting go of a physical representation of her old relationship. But now? Now she was probably going to let it be a little give and a little take, her own mind reeling from a rollercoaster of interacting with Puck. She looked up from her stack of invoices when Kenna walked in a smiled. “Hey you. I’m doing okay. How’s the day off treating you?” she asked, moving to set her work aside and focus on her friend. “What’s for lunch?”

Smiling whenever Madison spoke, she sat down and grabbed her bag from the ground beside her. “Well, I figured that we could have ice cream cause who doesn’t love that but I also got us some sushi because who doesn’t love that?” She asked while pulling it out of her bag. She had picked up a few things, trying to make sure she had everything that they would need. “So, sushi. Sauces. All that. I didn’t know what sauce you’d want so I got a little of everything,” she admitted as she finished placing it out for them. Handing her something to eat with, she leaned back and took a bite. “It’s been good. I went to see Max and Drew - well they came to me, so that was fun but besides that, nothing. Relaxing. You look like you have quite the business to run today, huh?”

“Spoiled,” she noted, along with a thank you as she took her portion of the meal sat before her. Being the nurturer was something Madison knew she had in common with Kenna, and it was nice to be at the receiving end of it all. “Oh see pupper visits are the best kind there is,” she agreed, “but I’m glad you get the time to relax. You definitely deserve it.” She took a moment to eat a few bites of her food and shrugged. “Just keeping up with the books. Wednesdays are usually slow so I hole up in here and do paperwork, let everyone else manage the floor. Makes taking breaks all the easier too,” she said with a chuckle. “So how are you feeling since we talked yesterday about the house and everything?”

“Yes, well,” she laughed and took a few bites of her food while listening to her. “I love whenever they come to visit. We got into a pattern whenever we didn’t really see each other so it’s been nice to actually be around them both,” she agreed, “thank you though. All I ever do is work anymore and I feel like I’m gonna pull my hair out.” Laughing at her, she leaned down to grab her water and took a drink. It was that moment that her question hit her sort of hard and she ran her tongue over her bottom lip in thought. “I mean. It’s a good thing and I know that. I guess just letting it goes feels a little weird to me, you know? That’s a big part of me but I’m thankful for a closed chapter where he can move forward and so can I,” she spoke softly and then looked over at her. “How’s it going for you though?”

“Making those big bucks though, right?” Madison teased, knowing full well that a loaded schedule didn’t always mean a loaded bank account. She listened intently to Kenna talking about what she was gong through. It was never easy closing a chapter even when it was what you wanted. “I think getting rid of that physical representation of what you guys had will be good for you both. Even if it’s hard now,” she suggested and then shrugged at her question. “It’s good, mostly. I’m about to shake your roommate, but otherwise. You know. Gabe is adjusting to the new room. I’m getting more rest. All good things.” She took a drink of her water, washing down a bit of food and shrugged. “Life as normal, you know?”

Rolling her eyes at her comment, she chuckled to herself while looking at her. "Eh. Doesn't feel like I'm loaded. I have money, but y'know. Bills. Life. All that," she shrugged. Nodding her head, she knew that she was right and that she needed to let it be. It would be better for her in the long run and even Aiden. "You're right. I have to go see him soon because I need to sign over everything to him since it's in both of our names and stuff. I also kinda wanna talk to him about some stuff anyways." Once she was talking about Puck, she raised her eyebrows and with a tilt of her head, blue eyes were locked on her. "Oh? Why are we shaking Puck? What's wrong?" She asked, taking another bite, noting that she would go back to the other things later but she wanted to make sure that everything was okay with her two favorite people.

“Bills and all that just ruin all the fun, right?” Madison said, chuckling. She knew well enough herself how hard it was to get ahead and stay there. She chewed over a piece of sushi as Kenna spoke about Aiden, not jealous of that struggle in the least. Separations were hard enough when there wasn’t any legal nonsense to worry about. “What do you have to talk about?” she asked, using a tone that made it clear she didn’t have to have that conversation if she didn’t want to. Madison couldn’t help but roll her eyes as she started in about Puck. “I feel like I need to make note that at this point he and I have not had sex. Which is fine, but relevant. But we keep having these really good... dates? for lack of a better word. I know we’re not dating, but you guys' party and then me staying the night. And then we went out Saturday while Ben had Gabe and we’re like... holding hands and kissing on the beach and it very much feels like a date. And then he came over after Gabe went to bed and we had, you know, not sex. And it’s good, fine with it. But then Monday and yesterday," she paused and sighed, taking a drink of her water before she continued. "So Monday he's having a bad day, like capital B, bad day. And for all the flirting and nonsense we do, we've also had like real conversations in the past about Ben, about his dad. So he texts me, like... tiptoes into what's making his day suck and I try to talk to him about that, I try to distract him from that, but he's just shutting me down regardless, which, okay. He's having a bad day, no biggie. We say goodnight. I text him in the morning asking how he was feeling. He's still clearly in a mood, so I don't press, but I door-dashed him tacos 'cause he says he's stuck at work all night. And somehow me sending him food pissed him off?? Like, he texted me and told me stop acting like his girlfriend." She leaned back in her seat, pushed away the food and shaking her head of the whole mess. "It's like, if it were just sex between us, it would be fine. But we're not having sex, which arguably makes what we are doing have more emotion tied into because it's coupled with us just like hanging out and talking about our lives and stuff. And I'm not trying to be his girlfriend, but I don't know what he wants from me."

Mckenna listened to her best friend speak and she shrugged her shoulders a little. "Well, I'm on the house so we have to sign it over to he can put it up to be sold but besides that, nothing. I'm good with how we're doing things now." Whenever she started to talk about Puck, she put her food to the side and pressed her lips together in thought as she knew that there was probably a lot that was confusing about all of that but then to be real, everything about Puck wasn't always simple whenever it came to emotions because he didn't do them. Looking around for a moment, she gave her a nod and then she started to speak finally after she was finished talking. "Well, first off, it sounds like you two have been the cutest with your dates but the whole thing afterwards with the trouble of him being angry, I'm not sure I understand where that came from. Because if you two were so good, unless he would be the one to run away from a good thing. I know that there's been a rough day in there but I'm not sure about anything else going on. Have you thought about just asking what he wants from you?" She asked, looking over at her and she smiled a little over at her. "Do you like him? Like to the point of wanting to find out more about this? Or is this just that you're friends and that's that?" she asked, then crossed her legs in front of her while she started to think to herself, head leaning to the side. "Because any time that something comes up that could be complicated or something with emotions, he doesn't really care for that - and I think we all know that. I think that Micah is that way, too. I really think that he's getting the emotional part though, and it's hard. Because for whatever reason, I have this feeling that he might - judging by the cute moments you two have had - he has those feelings, too." She finished, leaning back and looking at her. "How do you feel?"

Madison pursed her lips in thought at what Kenna was asking. They weren't questions she hadn't had herself, but she'd also never expected an answer from herself either. "It just kind of feels like the closer we get to having sex the more he shuts me out. And I dunno, maybe I'm reading into the whole thing too much. It was just a bad day, after all, right?" she sighed and shook her head. Taking a long breath, she mulled over her next statement. She'd never put this out in the open before, deflecting every time it came up. "I like him," she admitted, "I'd date him. I'd be his girlfriend. But that's not what Puck does and wanting that or pursuing that is just opening myself for disappointment. So we'll be friends," Madison said, putting her hands up to wave off Puck's steadfast avoidance of the word, "and we can fuck and it'll be fine. But like... if it's gonna be that we can be friends or we can fuck. Then I'll take sex off the table. The sex we're not even having." She took a breath and leaned against the desk. "Boys are dumb."

Listening to her, Kenna tilted her head to the side and sat up a little more to lean on the desk in front of her. The blue eyed girl scanned over her best friend for a moment to take in what she was doing right in that moment before leaning up a little to grab onto her hands while a smile played over her lips. "You know it's okay to like someone and admit hat though I get what you mean. Puck is hard to like whenever he 'doesn't do' love and that just makes it even more complicated, huh?" She asked, squeezing gently onto her hands. "I think that maybe a serious conversation should happen before you actually have sex and I only say that because if you've put off having sex this long and he is pushing you away - I think there's more than anyone knows there." She admitted before pulling her hands back to prop herself up on one hand. "I dunno, I could be wrong but it's just what I think. You two are my favorite people in the world because my siblings, obviously and I just don't want anything bad to happen." Pressing her lips together, she nodded over at her. "They do suck though. So much. They also like to leave you confused but that's neither here nor there."

Madison could only sigh as she listened to Kenna. There was truth in it, and maybe that was the worst part. Communication was key, but at the same time, communication had never been her and Puck's strong suit. Instead they beat around the bush, deflected, and talking in a sort of code that only ever resulted in more questions. "Maybe you're right," she finally admitted, "but I still don't know about Puck and feelings, you know?" She squeezed at Kenna's hands and then let her head drop to the table with a quiet groan. "Definitely left confused. Maybe we should just bail on them and you and me run away together," she joked, lifting her head to catch the other girl's eyes with a smirk.

Whenever she spoke, she gave a soft laugh at the idea of Puck and feelings and then she rolled her eyes. "He doesn't do those. That's a huge no-no, but you never know. He could be different with you. You never know. I suppose it's something to find out whenever you're ready," she admitted and then looked over at her as she caught her eye, making her smile back over at her. "I mean, you totally give me amazing orgasms and we're kinda awesome together. Why not?" She teased, then sighed to herself, "my lunch is almost up, and it sucks. We should hang out one day this week again, if you wanna."

"Isn't that the dream? To be a guy's exception?" Madison recounted wistfully, then chuckled. Would it be nice? Sure. But there was no use putting stock in that idea. "Orrr... I can ignore it all and hope it goes away. Or just, like stays the same minus the him shutting me out part," she reasoned. She laughed at Kenna's reasoning and nodded in agreement. "Isn't that all we need?" Madison echoed the sigh and nodded. "Literally any time. Come over and hang with me and Gabe or something."

"Yeah, but I don't really ever think about that stuff anymore," she shrugged, smiling over at her as she went on to speak about ignoring it. "You two are impossible but whatever your code stuff is then you should just go ahead and keep doing what makes you happy. I love you both, so I'm here for whatever you choose to do," she stated. "Basically." Standing up, she ran her fingers through her hair and then picked up her garbage and left overs, pointing to the ice cream. "Eat it. It's super good, like always," she laughed, leaning over to kiss her cheek gently. "I will though. We'll text about it."

"Oh come on, just because Aiden wasn't it, doesn't mean there's not an exception out there for you," Madison teased, but relented on not dwelling on it. There was definitely a time after a breakup that happily ever after wasn't at the forefront of your mind. "I'm happy," she insisted. "Maybe a little confused, but happy." She hugged Kenna in return, taking a breath and letting go out of the stress of the situation with it. "I'll see you soon, babe."

[zoki-69-dragon]

Izaya Orihara X-Reader  Chapter 4

Why can't he leave me alone?' You thought walking around Ikebukuro.

"Come eat sushi, it good, won't make you sick, " you heard a familiar voice calling out to the crowd trying to get people to eat at Russia Sushi.

"Hey Simon, " you say waving to him, when your first met him he was a bit intimidating but once you got to know him, he was really just a big softy.

"Long time no see [Y/N], come eat sushi?" Simon asked with a huge smile.

"Maybe some other time, " you say still having to get groceries since you weren't just feeding yourself now. "See you around Simon."

"Yeah, come back soon, " Simon said waving bye to me before going back to handing out fliers and trying to bring in customers.

After a while of shopping, you were heading back to your apartment, only to stop when you saw Shizuo and Tom.

"Hi, Tom-san and Shozuo-kun, " you say happy to see them.

"Hello [Y/N]-chan, " Tom said greeting you.

Shozuo was his normal quiet self, which didn't bother you too much. But you were surprised when he started to sniff the air a bit close to you.

"Were you hanging out with the flee?" he asked having smelled Izaya on you.

"He's staying with me for a few days since he was injured, " you say in a quiet tone not wanting to piss Shizuo off.

"You should stay away from that flee!" he said with a harsh tone.

"I try, but he for some reason has taken a liking to messing with me, " you say biting the inside of your cheek.

"Where's your apartment?!" He asked with a dangerous look.

"Shizuo?" you questioned worriedly.

"I'll take care of that flea, " Shizuo said popping his knuckles.

As much as you wanted to get Izaya out of your apartment, you also didn't really want it destroyed.

"Shizuo, it's fine really I promise that I'll be fine and besides the little shits injured, " you say stepping in front of him to get his attention, "besides that I would feel horrible if something happened to him and I had the chance to help him."

"He can't be trusted he's most likely using you like the flea he is, " Shizuo let out.

"Shizuo I realized that, but what am I supposed to do?!" you yelled angerly.  

You realized that you had yelled at Shizuo and felt bad, "I am sorry Shizuo, I didn't mean to yell at you, it's just I am really stressed lately," you said fidgeting.

Shizuo was a bit surprised by your outburst, but he was even more surprised by how quick you were to apologize, "[Y/N], if you need help with Izaya I am here," he said, "and everyone yells once in a while."

You laughed at this, "You would know," you said with a cheeky grin.

Shizuo laughed at well, Tom cracked a smile seeing that Shizuo had stayed calmed about you yelling at him and was now laughing, it made him feel happy for his friend.

"Shizuo we should get going we still have work to do," Tom said looking at his phone to see that he had a message and address of the next place for them to collect a debt from, "[Y/N] you have our numbers if you need anything just call us," Tom stated knowing that Shizuo didn't always answer his phone so if she called him he could always get Shizuo.

"Thank's and I better get going myself, and thanks for that, it makes me feel a bit better knowing that I can count on you two," You said, before turning, "I see you two around, bye!"

As you walked away Shizuo had an uneasy feeling that he didn't know how to explain, he knew Izaya was up to something and you were his target. This really bothered him, he didn't like the thought of someone he was friends with getting mixed up with the flea.

Once you were back at your apartment you noticed that Izaya was still there sitting on the couch his laptop on his lap, him typing away.

"Welcome back, [Y/N]-chan," Izaya greeted never taking his eyes off the computer, "Did you have a good talk with Shizu-chan?"

"How did you know about that?" you asked with a raised brow, but then it hit you, "Izaya, did you have someone following me?"

"Of course not, it was just on the dollars chatroom," he stated, "so, did Shizuo get mad that you yelled at him?"

"No, in fact, we laughed about it," you stated, you couldn't help the smirk that formed on your lip, "He even said that if I need help getting rid of you he would be there to help me."

"Is that so?"

"It is," you said, not noticing the dark undertone in his voice.

Izaya stopped typing setting his laptop aside, he got up from the couch and turned to you. You could now see that dangerous look in his eyes.

"Shizuo is a monster and yet you treat me like I am," Izaya stated, he was angry and it was clear.

"Izaya, I don't see either you or Shizuo as monsters, you more or less are the reason people dislike you, and treat you like that," You stated, you knew he was messed up, but he was still human.

"I am a god and all of my lovely humans should love me, even you [Y/N]-chan," Izaya stated, he walked closer to you, "why won't you humans love me?" he asked, surprising you.

"Maybe because you treat them as pawns and not people, Izaya," you said taking a step back.

Izaya had a dark ora, but it soon faded and was replaced, "what's for lunch?" he asked, all of a sudden, you couldn’t help but frown at this.

"I don't know, how about Kare-Raisu?" you asked looking at him and then headed to the kitchen.

"That sounds great!" Izaya said sounding enthused.

As you went to get the items you needed ready in the kitchen Izaya grabbed your waist pulling you close to him, your back hitting his chest.

"[N/N]-chan, next time you talk to me like you did I'll have to punish you," he said, with a dangerously low tone, sending a shiver up and down your spine.

He let go of you and walked back to the couch, part of you wanted to yell at him, but another part of you was afraid to know what he meant by punishment. Knowing him he would take you yelling at him as you challenging him and he would punish you, and that was something that you didn't want to deal with.

It took you an hour or so to make the Kare-Raisu, once you were done you set a plat for Izaya and yourself.

"Izaya, lunch is ready, set your laptop down and come eat!" you called to him sitting down at your spot at the table.

He set the laptop down and made his way to the table, "It smells good," he said sitting down.

You didn't say anything, you were still upset with him.

"Are you still mad with me?" Izaya asked, he had noticed that you were glaring at the food and not talking usually signs that you were mad at him.

"No, Izaya, I am annoyed not mad there's a difference," you stated, looking up at him, "I let you into my home and you annoy me, to top it off you act like you own the place."

Izaya didn't say anything he just ate his food and smirked at me.

"This is really good [Y/N]-chan," he praised.

"I am happy you like it, because after your done you can leave," you stated.

Izaya stopped eating and looked at you, "Is that so?" he asked with a raised brow.

"This is my apartment it's not yours, so yes," you say, "I don't even understand, why you annoy me?" you asked it was really beginning to bother you.

"[Y/N]-chan have you already forgotten, I find you fascinating and enjoy the reactions I get from you," he said a sick smirk covering his face, "Oh and while you were out I decided to make a special purchase."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"It has everything to do with you, for you see I bought your apartment complex," he stated, the smirk he had on his face made the sinking feeling in my gut worse.

"What?" you asked standing up, "Why, just why?"

"Because I thought it would be fun, also you have a week to move out," Izaya stated, he was up to something.

"A weak? Izaya where am I supposed to move in a week, I need more time," you said, at this point, you wished that you had taken Shizuo's advice for help.

"You could always move in with me," he said, Izaya didn't spend much on buying the apartment complex that she lived in, he blackmailed the owner into giving it to him for a low price of twenty-thousand yen.

"Izaya, what proof do you have that you own my apartment?" you asked, you realized that he said he owns your apartment, but hadn't shown any proof of it.

Izaya pulled out some papers and showed them to you, it showed that he indeed owned your apartment, "Is that proof enough for you?"

You let out a sigh and set back down in your chair with a thud, "Why, I helped you and I have even fed you, why?" you asked repeating why twice.

"Because I want to keep the most entreating person close to me, also your my favorite is it wrong for a god to take an entrest in his beloved human?" Izaya said, he was enjoying this way too much.

It took everything in you not to scream at him, "I would rather be homeless than to live with you," you said looking at him before getting back up, "I am leaving," you say walking to the door grabbing your jacket.

Before you could open the door a hand was on it holding it shut, "Are you going to go running to Shizu-chan?"

"No, like I told you I am leaving," you said trying to open the door but he still held it shut, "Izaya move your arm."

"No."

At this point, you had enough, you jabbed your elbow into his side where he had gotten injured to get away from him. He moved back to hold his side, you took this as a chance to run out of your apartment.

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

unlonely [michael m. x reader] pt.1

like what i do? consider buying me a coffee!

oh SHIT. oh SHIT lads??? a part one??? but percy u never number the first parts!!!

yeah thats because i usually dont expect myself writing another part sdkfjhds but this? ive been planning this fic for a fuckin while now and it’s about time that i finish this and post it instead of yknow... starting part two and giving myself at least a beginning BUT oh well man i was excited and wanted to post this dskjfhds

also this went through multiple titles. unlonely ended up being the winner. brownie points if y’all know the song.

warnings: i dont think theres anything big other than like. my general swearing warning. 

            To say that you were friends with anyone at Middleborough would have been a complete lie. You knew people, sure, but you’d never really built up a connection with anyone past small jokes in-class and sometimes the rare invite for you to join them at lunch. For the most part, you’d been a loner - and that was how you liked it. It left you to sit alone at lunch and focus on your art, or for you to focus on getting homework done because you had Final Fantasy XV waiting for you at home and you were just about to help Iris with shit before you realized you wouldn’t have been able to save. You used your time wisely, and spent your free time at home, sometimes in a Discord call with a couple video game buddies who you’d met via Overwatch. But you’d be lying if you said there hadn’t been a couple people in your classes that you’d wished you’d talk to. One of those people had been Michael Mell, music enthusiast and video game aficionado. For the most part, you didn’t really know much about him past the fact he almost always had headphones around his neck, the fact he was best friends with Jeremy Heere (someone you’d honestly written off as a geek, and honestly, potential friend material since something told you that the two of you would have hit it off), and the fact he had various video game keychains since he had the habit of throwing down his keys during AP Biology - the only class the two of you shared where he sat right next to you, by some stroke of luck.

            So when Jeremy Heere suddenly changed completely and left Michael in the dust, you decided you’d give him a week. One week to stop being a huge dick and talk to the guy who’d apparently been Michael’s best friend for the past twelve years, according to some kid in your math class. You’d watched Michael try to grab his attention while in the hall as Jeremy strode past him, ignoring him for the entire day in order to spend time with people like Rich Goranski and Chloe Valentine - neither of who you disliked, but people that surprised you that they’d spend time with Jeremy Heere. 

            One week and two days later, you found yourself trying to find something to talk to Michael about that wasn’t video games. You gave that up quickly during the last fifteen minutes of AP Bio.

            You, in an attempt to find a conversation started, ended up stared at his key-chains: a buster sword, a diamond pickaxe, a round Pac-man with an open mouth, and a flat Nintendo game-boy. You settled on the buster sword, licking your lips and swallowing any doubt that had begun to pool in your stomach. “Did you hear about the remake?” You’d asked, and for a moment Michael hadn’t realized you’d been talking to him until he finally tore his eyes away from his phone, meeting your gaze. You smiled, “for uh, Final Fantasy-”

            He nodded before you could give the number. “Yeah, uh - I heard,” he said, wary of your sudden presence. You shifted uncomfortably at that - maybe you should have opened up with something different.

            “Yeah - uh, I never really got a chance to play the original since my older brother took his PlayStation and all his games when he moved out - but I’m excited for the remake! I’m hoping that it’ll live up to the fame of the original,” you said, keeping up a smile and acting as confident as you could. “I’m hoping that maybe when I visit him, I can play a bit.”

            Michael blinked in the sight of you, surprised you were still talking to him. He half-expected that spark of conversation to die out as quickly as it had flamed. But he reached up, tugging slightly at his headphones, and sat slightly straighter. “It’s honestly one of the best games in the series. The soundtrack alone is fantastic,” he said, starting to warm up to you, “you should definitely listen to it at least.”

            “I have!” You chirped, smiling, “yeah - my brother used to play video game soundtracks in the mornings when he’d drive me to school. He said something about it being nice, and then would always make a big deal for his favorite games. I’ve been wanting to play more of the older games, but so far I’m kinda fascinated with the newest one so... one game at a time, I guess.”

            “Yeah, uh, fifteen’s pretty fun actually!” Michael ran a hand through his hair, “it’s different but...”

            “Really good. I’m kinda glad the series took a step away from the turn-based combat, I guess.” You shoved your hands into the front pocket of your hoodie, “so... what else do you play?”

            “A lot of old shit,” he shrugged, “Overwatch, sometimes. I haven’t really played recently though.”

            You immediately jump on that thread. “What do you play on? Who do you main?” 

            He blinked at the sight of you, before a small smile cracked upon his face. Maybe you were cooler than he thought. “Uh, PS4 mainly, and... Sombra, D.Va, aaaand Lúcio. What about you?”

            “Same, actually - my brother also bought Overwatch for PS4 and then ended up giving that to me when he left. As for who I main-”

            The bell rung out, interrupting you as teenagers began to shuffle around you. You slowly stood, grabbing your bag and slipping an arm through one strap as you turned back to Michael. He’d already stood, shoving his keys into his pocket and backpack already hanging off of one shoulder. He watched you for a moment, as if waiting to see if you were actually going to pursue conversation or leave him now that class was over.

            “If you wanna keep talking about video games ‘n stuff,” you said, “we can maybe grab lunch together?”

            “Yeah, I’d, uh- I’d like that?” He acted as if he was unsure. He paused as he pushed in his chair, leaning against it, “I don’t eat in the cafeteria though.”

            “That’s valid,” you stepped away, walking with him out of the classroom. “I’ve got money, if that helps-”

            “You... really wanna talk to me, don’t you?” He stared at you, dumbfounded that someone would actually take notice of him past the regular little interactions - asking him to get out of the way, asking him a question about class, all the basic shit that’d be forgotten minutes all.

            You nodded, the fabric of your backpacks straps scratching against your palm to make an uncomfortable noise. You winced slightly because of it, before nodding again awkwardly. “Yeah. I do.” You sort of smile, “is that a problem? You seem cool.” He shook his head as he walked alongside you, one hand fumbling with his headphones. You continued on, “so.. We were talking about my mains, right?”

            The walk out to Michael’s car wasn’t too awkward in the end. He was surprisingly happy to keep talking about different video games, lamenting about this shitty level in Apocalypse of the Damned before immediately shutting up about it. Then the conversation turned to food, Michael suggesting sushi and you just sorta shrugged and agreed since he was driving. On the drive over, there was the whole awkward conversation of “wait, should we eat in or get our stuff to go?” which ended in the two of you deciding just to chill in his car in the parking lot of the school with your food. Twenty minutes later, the two of you had kicked back and were listening to music in his car, enjoying your food.

            “Y’know,” you started, “for a dude who was so eager to get sushi, I’m surprised you didn’t get more sushi.” You shrugged, “I mean, it’s no biggie - I’m just a little surprised-”

            Michael looked over to you, before looking back to his food, “eh. I’m not that big on fish - plus the beef negimaki is fucking god there.” He then stole another glance to you, “what’s up with the fork?”

            “Never learned to use chopsticks,” you shrugged, “my brother always made fun of me for it.” You smiled a little, “I mean - I just can’t really loosen my grip enough, I guess.” You glanced down to the chicken yakisoba you’d ordered, “besides. I mean... it’s not like I’m eating sushi with a fork.”

            “I guess you have a point.” He said. Awkward silence grew between the two of you, only leaving the music to fill the small bits of tension that had developed since you were sort of a stranger in a way.

            “You like music?” You asked, mentally slapping yourself - of course he likes music, who doesn’t like music? “What do you listen to?”

            He lit up immediately at that, jabbing his empty chopsticks in the direction of his radio. “Eighties stuff. Grew up with it,” he began, “mainly because of my moms, but my older brother was big into eighties shit as well. And, uh, he also got me into Filipino eighties music,” he shrugged, “heritage stuff, I guess.” He paused for a moment, idly tapping his chopsticks against the to-go container for a moment, “plus he’s older than me so... I guess I thought he was cool and started listening to stuff because of it.”

            “Are you saying your brother isn’t cool?” You shifted, iron-grip on your lunch, “because you better hope I never meet him or I’ll tell him that.”

            He snorted a little at that, “he’s cool. He ended up moving to Philly with a bunch of friends a year ago.”

            You nodded, reaching for your drink. “Maybe you could show me some music sometimes? I’ve been looking for some new bops-”

            “I can make you a playlist!” Michael then drew back slightly, confidence fading little by little, “I mean, if you want-”

            “I’d really like that.” The minute you spoke, Michael beamed, once again filled with confidence. The way that Michael seemed to light up, all the stars falling into his eyes - it made you smile a little more than you had been before. “Do you, uh - you use Spotify, right?”

            “Yeah! My moms pay for premium,” he beamed, before his smile fell. “Do... you uh-”

            “Want my number?” You offered up, and he nods, unlocking his phone and handing it over to you. You flipped open the contacts, pressing the little plus button and filling in your info before shooting a quick message to yourself before setting his phone back in his hand.

            That afternoon started the constant memes, along with the occasional song that he’d ask your opinion on - always swearing that it was so he could get a better grasp of your taste so that you’re playlist will be perfect. Some you liked, some you forced yourself to listen to past the first minute (and occasionally, you ended up liking them), others you dropped barely seconds in, something not quite jiving with you. He’d usually find you at lunch on the days you didn’t have AP Bio,or occasionally he’d ask if you wanted to run somewhere for lunch since cafeteria sucks. By that Saturday, a link popped up to a playlist just titled ‘tasty jams for [y/n]’ with the description set as ‘because their music taste might suck and im a good person :)’ - which made you laugh, sending a quick ‘thank you for your wise wisdom, mello yello’ before you plugged in your headphones to listen.

            You really, really appreciated Michael’s taste in music, honestly.

            Over the course of the next few weeks, Michael became a regular part of your life. After your insistence that, dude, you were gonna be lonely anyway, just come and sit with you - he sorta caved in and ate lunch with you regularly, animatedly talking about video games or music or this stupid YouTube video he watched: anything and everything, like he was this dam that had been building up and now he finally had someone to talk to, someone to spill everything to. AP Biology consisted of dumb jokes under your breath, Michael’s soft chuckles next to you making you crack little smiles; little notes slipping to one another during your American History class, sometimes little drawings, other times little jokes; and then there was Algebra, where the two of you would text each other from across the room, trying your best to hide your phones. At the end of math, Michael would be waiting by the classroom door, falling into step beside you as the two of you started heading out to the parking lot. 

            “Hey!” He greeted you one day, visibly nervous despite the smile plastered to his face. He shoved his hands into his pockets, “hey, uh, you wanna... come over on Saturday? We could play video games or something,” he shrugged. 

            You mulled over the thought for a minute, before slowly nodding. “Okay.”

            He smiled again, reaching up and fumbling with the cord of his headphones as he looked over to you. “You do know we’re gonna play some spooky shit, right? It’s almost Halloween,” he sorta laughed, “spooky scary.”

            You jabbed him with your elbow, not hard enough to hurt him. “Fuckin’ dork, fine- but I get first pick at characters.”

            “Yeah, fine, you can be player-” He paused, catching himself, “yeah. Yeah, okay!”

            You didn’t push it.

            That Saturday you drove over to Michael’s house, letting your Google Maps app guide you the entire way, calling out directions along the way over the sound of the playlist Michael made for you. You cursed the cold weather outside, your jacket sitting in the passenger seat of the heated car. The moment you pulled up outside of Michael’s house, only his P.T Cruiser sitting in the driveway, you shot him a quick text that you were outside and he best have that door open because you aren’t dealing with this cold shit today. Barely taking a minute to slip into your jacket, you cut off the car and pocketed the keys, clicking the doors locked after you hopped out and dashed to the front door, Michael opening it just in time for you to slide inside.

            He stood there, watching you literally slide to a stop. “You don’t like the cold, do you?”

            You shook your head. “Not when the weather lies to me, dear Mello Yello.” 

            He glanced upstairs, before looking back to you. “I’m gonna grab some snacks - but you can go on up? First door on the left,” he shut the front door, finally cutting the cold air out of the situation. You nodded, awkwardly shooting him finger guns as you strolled past him and head upstairs - after kicking off your boots near the door, having found Michael’s own shoes sitting nearby. You found Michael’s room easily, even if he hadn’t given you instructions, considering his door had been left wide open and his room was as Michael-esque as you expected.

            Band T-shirts littered the floor, some lazily thrown over the chair at his desk, along with what you swore looked like a pizza box tucked under his bed and a few empty cans of soda - all crushed and most around a full trashcan near the bedroom door. You sorta hold back a smile at how fucking stereotypical teenage-boy the mess was - but that little bit of restraint disappeared as you started taking in the posters pinned around his room, all with red or white pushpins holding them up. The Legend of Zelda, Uncharted, The Last of Us, Tomb Raider, Portal - and then, among those, you caught a few others. Old movies posters - things like Nightmare on Elm Street and Alien and The Thing - peeked out from between everything else, and then it all came to a stop at this cork-board that hung above Michael’s desk. Pictures were pinned up everywhere, some of him by himself, others with him and his moms and someone you only assumed was a brother or a cousin or something - due to the striking resemblance that Michael shared with him. And then there were pictures of Jeremy - scarce but still there -  among all the memories of Disney World and sleepy plane rides with a dark sky peeking through the windows. All of them were different ages - Michael and Jeremy at what you could only assume was sometime during their last few years of elementary school, posing proudly with the widest smiles and papers in front of them for good grades or good attendance, the sort of shit that you usually get in elementary school; or Michael chilling at a community pool with Jeremy, both probably thirteen or fourteen, with ice cream and sodas sitting on a wire table behind them, towels wrapped around their shoulders and smiles forced in that sort of way that when you’re thirteen, you don’t want anyone to see you; and then there was a picture of Michael and Jeremy, taken within the last year, with Michael’s arm thrown around Jeremy’s shoulder as this was absolutely something snapped at the most opportune moment, and you couldn’t really make out what they were looking at but they both looked so happy and comfortable with each other. Something inside of you plucked at your heartstrings, and for a moment, you weren’t sure what to think. 

            You tore your attention away from the board, ignoring whatever the sticky notes littered here and there said, and you started fumbling with a Rubik’s Cube on his desk. His laptop sat, open with a darkened screen - and with an accidental brush of the wireless mouse that’d been positioned a little too close to the Rubik’s Cube, you were greeted with his Spotify open to a playlist in progress, a key-smash for a name and description (very creative) with a few songs listed. Eventually you set down the toy, making your way over to his bed and sitting down, just sort of taking in the sight of Michael’s room while the scent of some air freshener lingered around you.

            “Shit-” Michael said as he approached the room, causing you to turn around. “I was... sort of in the middle of cleaning... aaand I wasn’t sure if I should finish while you were here-” He kicked out his desk chair, it rolling back enough for him to seat himself, the back of it pressed against his stomach. “I can clean up more if you want.”

            “It’s cool, dude. No messier than my room,” you sort of laughed, whether it was true or not. What are we playing?”

            He didn’t answer, standing and handing over a can of soda to you before going over to where his games were stored, flipping through them. “I... didn’t plan that far ahead.”

            He rattled off the titles of games, while your focus drifted back to the photos on the wall. You’d never really seen Michael so happy - well, perhaps when you asked about him making you a playlist, but that moment paled in comparison to the most recent picture with Jeremy - and that twisted your stomach. You didn’t hear Michael stop reading out names, before his gaze settled on what you’d been staring at. He stood once more, clutching a game in his hands now as he walked over to the board.

            “Yeah, uh - my family travel a lot,” he said, looking back to you. “Usually just over summer and breaks and whatever,” he sunk down into the chair, and you crawled over to the foot of his bed, as close as you could get without standing. He pointed out different pictures - the summer he went to Disney World and how he got super fucking spooked on Expedition Everest, or how they took a road trip one summer and jammed out to eighties bops the entire way, or the day trips they took to New York as a family - before you catch his gaze falling to Jeremy. 

            “So!” You interrupt the silence that had started to grow between the two of you, “Mello Yello. What we playing.” You didn’t ask. But he lit up, glad to have something else to think about. You beamed at him as he held up the case.

            “Resident Evil 5.” He pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, “got that fucking spooky zombie shit.” 

            “Just in time for Halloween,” you mused, “dope. I get to be Chris.”

            He chuckled, moving to queue the game up and handing you a controller. “Your loss, then.”

            “Dude. I get to be a fucking beefy dude.”

            “But Sheva though.”

            You mulled the thought over. “... You have a point.”

            The game queued up. And then Michael spoke again, nudging you to scoot over as he sat on his bed. “Are you going to Jake’s Halloween party?”

            Something about that question made your blood turn to ice for a mere moment. That... came from nowhere - and you didn’t even know Jake Dillinger past the fact that a lot of people would fucking love to fuck him. So you shrugged the question off. “Are you?”

            And Michael didn’t answer.

            “Michael?”

            He looked over to you, before turning his attention to the game, starting it up. You pinned your eyes to the screen, as the opening tutorial started up after the two of you configured shit. “Jeremy’s supposed to be there,” he finally admitted. “I thought that maybe I’d go talk to him. Y’know, talk some sense into him.” His shoulders fell as he let out a heavy breath, “yell at him about how we were friends for twelve years and how he’s being a huge fucking dick because of the SQUIP-”

            You cut him off: “the what.” He freezed under your gaze. “Michael... you never told me what happened with Jeremy.”

            And he wasn’t going to - judging by how he immediately fumbled with his controller, slowly breathing out as he squeezed his eyes shut. The game started, throwing you into the opening cutscene of the game. You watched as Michael drew his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment, before he finally decided to speak again.

            “You can’t tell anyone about this,” he said, and the moment you finally nodded, he continued on. “So uh... the SQUIP is this... weird supercomputer-pill-thing,” he started, “and it’s supposed to like... tell you what to do? I don’t know - Jeremy said that this guy at school was going to sell him one and we went to check it out and now he’s too good for-” He hesitated. “He’s too good to hang out with me, since... I guess I’m a loser?” He stared at the TV screen before the two of you. “I dunno - he didn’t... really say.”

            You didn’t speak. You only sat there, playing the game as you listened to Michael filled you in on what limited information he had. The entire time he spoke, he looked so distant. Just mere minutes ago, he’d been alive - talking to you about his family and about the game, and he’d been bright as he greeted you at the door and brought snacks and soda for the two of you - and now... he looked tired. You suddenly stopped, grip on the controller becoming loose as you only stared at Michael, watching his focus stay on the game, movement reflecting in his glasses until he, too, finally stopped. The two of you had been lucky there weren’t any enemies around at that point - you��d probably have died and had to restart if there had been. His gaze slowly met yours.

            “I know it sounds crazy,” Michael breathed, grip tight on the controller, “but... it’s true - I promise,” he paused, searching for words to say, searching your face for disbelief. But he didn’t find it. He found concern, etched into every feature that you had.

            “Michael... it’s not that it’s crazy, as... impossible as a supercomputer-pill-thing sounds,” you said, not sure how else to refer to this SQUIP thing, “I mean... It’s just really, really hard to grasp. Like...” You paused, tracing your thumb along hard plastic, “if you’re going to talk to Jeremy at the party,” you shifted the subject, “are you sure that’s something that you should do-”

            He didn’t wait. “Yes - I have to-”

            “- alone?” You finished, dumbfounding him almost immediately. “Look - I’m not saying that I, uh... go in there with you or anything, but... I can drive you, or just wait in the car-” You cut yourself off, “I just don’t think this is something you should be doing completely alone.”

            You were met with a completely dumbfounded stare, before he finally snapped back to reality, your words sinking in. And then he nodded, immediately spouting off some plan about how you can pick him up that night, and he can change into his costume on the way to Jake’s house and then he’ll crash at your place, so the whole idea of him chilling at your place wouldn’t be a complete lie to his moms. The entire time he went into detail about this whole scheme he cooked up, you couldn’t fight back a smile. 

            Because at that moment, the two of you had become partners in crime.

            Fuck yes.

[rationaromanceblog]

Hurtles through weight loss: Part I

  I remember the day it dawned on me that maybe I was going about this weight loss thing  all wrong. I was down 20 pounds and coming out of a 2 month long stint of depression. I’d started a job as a sushi chef and it had a promising future. Things were looking up. My appetite was back and I was enjoying the benefits of the job, with a California roll halfway in my mouth a horrifying realization made my blood run cold. I am getting happy again.

This was easily my 10th time going through this pattern.  Once I reached a place of contentment, I would go right back to not caring what I weighed. I would gain it back and proceed to hit my ‘low’ point. You know, the highest weight you’ve seen on the scale, the highest pant size you’ve had to buy, or to be shocked by yourself in a picture. Whatever the cold splash of water is this time. The low point wakes you right out of unconsciousness and reminds you to care again. There has to be a way out of this. I thought,  fear running through me as I walked off the sushi line to search google for an answer. 

 At around age 10 I  started to suspect something about my body wasn’t quite right. The memory of Alondra and I in the bathroom, stretching (thinking that was how you exercise), fretting that our moms kept comparing us to Ana, our thinner cousin, is my earliest one. “We all eat the same things.” We seemed convinced.  “Ana just doesn't finish hers all the time.” I moaned with sadness. Which, by the way, was crazy. A perfectly delicious and unfinished bowl of Coco Puffs just sitting in front of her, and she had no interest? Unimaginable. We were too young to really understand why it mattered, but knew enough to care. 

Shopping with my mother became a nightmare of inadequacy. At 11 my cousins and I were preparing for our first communion. A catholic ritual we went to classes for all summer. It ended with a ceremony that required a long white dress. The classes were fun but shopping for the dress on weekends filled me with dread. I don't know what I did so that every dress in the first communion shops refused to fit my round frame, but it must have been very bad based on the frustration on my mom’s face. When Ana and Alondra came with us, Ana seemed to have more fun with it than I did.  Ana’s struggled to decide whether it was the style she wanted or not, and I never got to that part. I got stuck at the ‘will this one fit’ part. Eventually we found the appropriate dress in the plus size section at Ross instead. I learned to avoid shopping whenever possible after that.

Once the first communion ended I started drinking Herbalife. We need to do something about this. My mom thought. Herbalife was a popular weight loss (and pyramid scheme) product a few women in my neighborhood sold at the time. As I understood it, it flushed all the fat out of your body if you drank it all the time. It was given to a few kids in the neighborhood. We met before school to take the supplement. A couple of weeks after starting I asked the woman selling it why it wasn’t working. “Well…” She looked at me curiously “are you diet and exercising?” Ha! Of course not. I  thought. Why do I need this product if I am going to diet and exercise? I just shrugged and looked away, shy to admit that I didn’t know I was supposed to.  My mom decided to stop paying for me to take it a few weeks later. With no impending celebrations or dresses to wear, my weight stop being a main issue of focus. 

I was 12 when I had my first binge. My friend and I joined the Girl Scouts for the summer and we joined just in time for cookie selling season. I sold cookies to all of my teachers and neighbors. One of the orders that I made was wrong and the teacher said she didn’t want it, I could have it. My mother rarely allowed candy, chips, or soda in the house. If it was there it was probably because my dad had bought it. I got really excited and stashed the box in my bookbag. I thought about it all day, and when I got home I ran to my room and put it in the closet under my jeans. I waited until I was sure my mom was busy, went into the room and ate the entire box in minutes.  I remember feeling like I was getting away with something, and wrong for doing so. I felt utterly out of control. I hated and loved it at the same time. 

 I knew I was supposed to be getting thinner but felt utterly helpless to do so.  I tried not eating, but I loved food so much I always gave up when I got too hungry. Instead I tried  eating a saltine and then drinking as much water as I could, so I could feel full. When I got hungry again, I’d eat one saltine and gorge on water. I did this all day long, just peeing constantly.  Obviously, this didn’t work but at least I could feel like I was doing something. 

My first effective diet happened a few years later at 14.  I was poised to turn 15 in March and it was January. As a young hispanic woman, a quinceañera was customary. Unfortunately for me, my mother hated parties.  Quinceañeras are usually planned a year in advance so I knew I wouldn’t be getting one. But I hoped, I could at least get something bigger than your normal birthday party. I built up all of my bravery, went into my parents bedroom and dared to ask the question. “Can we plan a small quinceañera?” My mom seemed in a good mood, and she considered it. “I'll tell you what,” she proposed after a long pause “If you agree to lose weight so you can look nice in your dress, we will plan you something.” I was in shock and ectatic. My dream right before my eyes and all I had to do was lose weight or whatever? Done!

I told my best friend about the agreement but she seems dubious. “What’s wrong? This is great! I am getting a party.”  

“Sure... but the ‘you having to lose weight’ part is kinda weird. Can we talk to Mrs. Washington?” Mrs. Washignton was our health teacher, she was also a beloved confidant all of the 7th graders went to with their problems. When Vicky and I gave her the run through and Vicky expressed her concern at the agreement, Mrs. Washington seemed perfectly okay. “You can even ask Mr.Washington for help!” She offered cheerfully. Coincidentally, Mrs. Washington’s husband had just been a contestant on the show The Biggest Loser. He became our music teacher the year before but disappeared half of it for the show. I peeked into his classroom after lunch and was shocked by the unrecognizable person in the room. I shook my head, vaguely intimidated, and decided to figure it out on my own. 

This time my mom invested in the whole herbalife product line. They had teas, smoothies and a liquid you put into your water. It turned your pee a strange color and odor, proof that it was working, or doing something anyway. Knowing better this time I also started running and eating less. I was 20lbs down by March and was able to make my mother happy when we went dress shopping. My weight loss was greatly celebrated by my family and community of friends too, and getting the party I had been working for was wonderful. I was filled with the feeling that I had accomplished something significant.  The party allowed me to feel like a beautiful girl, and losing weight made me feel worthy of the praise and attention. It was amazing. I secretly wished getting good grades matter this much, I was much better at doing that.We ended up having tons of leftover birthday cake, and since I’d already earned my reward what did I really care about being thin? I’m sure I gained half the weight back just on that. It was so yummy, and I could go back to enjoying life. 

I noticed that the people around me always seemed to be dieting,  being thin was the thing to aim for. I tried to lose weight again a few months later, excited that I finally knew how to and looking forward to the praise I’d get at the end. I managed to get low enough for people to notice, and then feeling good about myself I’d go back to eating like I used to.This was the beginning of a cycle that would continue for years.  

In the midst of these cycles I started purging to feel better. I had unintentionally started a deprivation and surplus pattern, I was either dieting or eating everything. Wanting food started to consume me and my thoughts more than ever. I was in the middle of a diet cycle and knew I was suppose to be restricting food but the desire to eat overcame me. I slipped and ate too much. In order to cancel out my mistakes and rid myself of guilt I went into the bathroom and put the end of the toothbrush in my mouth. I filled with relief and the awul deed of over eating was undone. I never considered myself bulimic. I was certain I wouldn’t do it so much it would become a problem. It helped me grasp at a sense of control after I felt utterly out of it. Like a fail safe in my back pocket I promised not to resort to it until my darkest moments, having read all the literature of the extremes bulimia can take. 

At 16 I got my heart broken. After that I started a weight loss effort fueled by pain and rejection. Conveniently the heartache resulted in a loss of appetite so I used that to my advantage. I’ll show you! I thought with passion on my runs. You’ll regret rejecting me, and then I will get to reject you! Or in my less angry moments, I will become irresistible and you’ll have no choice but to want me, I’d think as I refused the second helping for dinner. I started in April and by August I was so thin I didn’t recognize myself. There was a strange shock and disconnect that started to accompany my reflection. But also a thrill. That’s me, I did it. The pride of my accomplishment accompanied me everywhere. I never got to show that boy anything ultimately. My family moved to Denver shortly after that. I decided to use my new look to start over around people that knew nothing about me instead. What an amazing opportunity! I get to be a new person. But I didn’t know who I was going to be. At no point did I build any sense of confidence or even identify with my physical self anymore. I never thought much about who I was, just who I was told I should be. My new thinness felt precarious and foreign. Like wearing an uncomfortable outfit and waiting for it to fit. The attention I started to get from guys confused me. I never got attention before.  I’d forget they were seeing a version of me I wasn’t used to yet.  

I met Daniel during this time. Daniel liked me. But I didn’t like myself yet.  Knowing I wasn’t interested in him romantically I dated him anyway. Partially believing I wasn’t capable of attracting anyone else. During the year and a half that we dated I gained all the weight back and probably more. Ultimately feeling much more comfortable as the bigger version of myself I was familiar with. So grateful to Daniel that he didn’t care what I looked like, he just loved me.

Once we broke up I started my routine of dieting again. Most of the time my efforts would start from a dark place; heartache, depression, a sense of hopelessness. I used losing weight to motivate me and give myself something to do, something to strive for, something to look forward to. Like always, things would get better, I would feel good about myself and things would go back to normal. I used food to celebrate my happiness and numb away my pain. I restricted food to give me a sense of control. I never  approached weight loss with the mentality of what happens after. Not until the day at my new job when I caught myself entering the cycle again. I felt desperate to get out. On that google search I found many answers. I just needed to start asking the right questions.

[lavidaatravezdeunavion]

Week One

June 15/16

The long and grueling travel is finally over;  I’m in Buenos Aires!!  Let me mention that my flight from MIA to EZE was delayed an hour but coincidentally, my roommate and another friend were also in MIA because their flight was also delayed...five hours. They had been there since 6pm so i couldn't really complain too much about my delay but I got on the next available flight and was delighted to get the aisle seat. I settled in with my free pillow and blanket, I browsed the free inflight entertainment and watched Captain Marvel (it was as tony the tiger would say “There GRRRRRRReat!”). I fell asleep soon after dinner was served around 2am and thankfully was able to sleep for about five hours, but that last hour and a half was full of turbulence.

When we finally landed, I was a little sad since it was rainy and dark outside. On top of that, there was a country wide black out (our taxi driver said that the dam that generates the power for Argentina was broken! He said it might have been an accident but he wouldn't doubt that someone might have done something to it on purpose...) We were in the taxi for about 40 mins; I was too tired to keep my eyes open and had fallen asleep! As we pull up to the residence, the taxi driver yells “levantase mija ya llegamos.” I got into the room and wanted to take a shower immediately; I felt like after traveling for 12+ hours you just feel so nasty. Of course I hopped into the shower using my phone flashlight to make sure I didn’t slip, but to be fair our shower is like 2ft by 2ft so there really is no room to fall. I got out the shower and then took a four hour nap, and thankfully when I woke up the power was back on.

I got ready to go to dinner with our group at a restaurant called “Rietti” (Jorge Luis Borges 2205) it was a cute cafe a couple blocks from our residence. I ordered a “Milanesa de Carne con Puree de Papas” - which I would rate about a 6/10. The meat wasn’t as flavorful as i thought i'd be, and the mashed potatoes were pretty plain. Thankfully I had a glass of red wine; I couldn't tell you the name but it was great!

After dinner we went back to our residence and made friends with other people who also live and go to school here. We met some Peruvians, an Ecuadorian, a Costarican, a Chilean, and of course some Argentinians. They were all studying here and had been away from their families for months but were determined to finish school so they could have a career and help their families after. I admired them for being brave and studying in a different country where they don't know anyone. Now being 2 hours from home doesn't seem too bad. This was the end of my first night here, I went to bed feeling excited that I had made new friends and that they welcomed me with open arms.

June 17

This morning we walked to the Subte, which is what they call their metro, and bought and loaded cards so we can be prepared for our first day of school tomorrow. We took the Subte to Las Heras and went to grab lunch at this cute cafe that had dog paintings all over the walls. It kind made me feel like I was in the “Dogs Playing Poker” painting. I got a ham & cheese omelet which was subpar; maybe because I wasn’t very hungry it wasn't that appetizing, but it was just not for me. On the bright side, I ordered orange juice and let me tell you it was BOMB.COM. Honestly, that was probably the best part of my meal.

After lunch, we went back to the residence and proceeded to take a nap. After the nap, my roommate and I went to a restaurant that a friend recommended about fifteen minutes from here and it was called “Chicken Bros”. As my roommate and I were deciding what to order, the guys behind the counter asked us where we were visiting from. Usually, I tell people I'm from right outside of DC just because people know DC. Anyway, turns out that one of the guys was from Woodbridge, which isn’t too far from where I’m from in VA! It was cool to see an American-owned restaurant in a foreign country. Besides the owners being really cool, the food was great and the ambiance of the restaurant was really amazing. The table markers they were handing out were people from american pop culture so it was funny to see that. After this, we went home and went to sleep since tuesday would be our first day in class.

June 18

If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT a morning person. I am THE queen of sleeping in and sleeping for hourssssss. With this being said, waking up at 7am was not the most exciting thing to do. We got up to eat breakfast, and I tried my best to eat something because I knew it was going to be a really long day. For transportation, we use the Subte (their version of the metro) to get to class. It takes us about half an hour to get to school which isn’t too bad; the only thing is that the Subte is really crowded with everyone trying to get to work and school so you kinda have to be aggressive to just push yourself onto the train. We got to Expanish which is where all of our classes are being held. The first two weeks of classes are a crash course of spanish, so they did an oral exam to make sure they were placing us in the right level. Being a native speaker, it wasn't too difficult for me so I was placed in the advanced class. There were only two other kids in my class: an Italian girl and a Swiss guy. I was kind of nervous that our class was so small but throughout the day it felt better because she was able to pay more attention to how we spoke and we were also able to have more in depth conversations about different topics. Today was an exception because we had to take the oral exam but usually class starts at 9:30 and went till 1:30 then we had an hour break then class started again at 2:30 until 4:30. It sounds excruciating, and it is, but the class is fun and time goes by pretty fast. As the class finished, everyone was drained and we all went home on the Subte.

Once we got home, my roommate and I decided we wanted to go find a snack so we walked out of the residence and just started to walk. If you didn't know, street art is a big part of the culture here and is legal, so here in Palermo everywhere you look there is graffiti on the buildings. We started to walk all over the neighborhood and just took pictures and looked at all the beautiful art around us. We ended up walking around for about two hours. Once we got back home we took another nap and then got ready for dinner. We went to this bar in Palermo called “Ragnar” I got myself a burger, and because im legal here i got my first mojito which was really tasty. I really enjoyed the view from the rooftop that they had. Overall it was a really long day but we were finally getting on some kind of schedule. After dinner we went back home and got ready for bed.

June 19

I had a normal school day today but since the women's Argentinian soccer team was playing in the World Cup, we headed over right after class to my teachers favorite bar to watch the game! I later went with Gloria (the italian girl from my class) to eat at a sushi place about a block from our school. I got myself a Mexican Poke bowl which was absolutely delicious. It was my first time eating a poke bowl so i didn't have anything to compare it to. After lunch, we went back to Expanish and waited for everyone to get out of class.

After class we all signed up for a tango class. We waited for our teacher to come and she taught us the basics of Tango; I learned that Tango is not a dance where the point is to move all of your body but it should be a continuous motion (not sure if this makes sense but its not like merengue where your hips, legs, and shoulders move). I think after this class I have more of an appreciation for tango just because I had never really been exposed to it and it didn't look that interesting to me, but dancing it was a whole other thing.

After the tango class we all hopped on the Subte back to the residence. We all took naps (as you can see naps are a crucial part of our routine here lol) and then got ready for dinner. We all decided to go to a bar and to be able to watch the Argentina-Paraguay game. Not sure what bar we went to but it wasn’t too special; I got a quesadilla and some nachos on the side. The most exciting thing about dinner was seeing everyones excitement when argentina scored. The bartender even had a vuvuzela! Since we didn’t have class Thursday, after dinner we walked about two blocks and went into a club. The thing about Argentinian nightlife is that things don’t start poppin till 2am. This is something that we all questioned but it makes sense because they eat dinner at about 10pm. A group of us were just hanging upstairs until about 1:30 and then finally the music started to get really good so we all went downstairs to dance, it was one of the funnest nights so far. We left the club at about 3:30am and got home and all knocked out. 

June 20

Waking up at 9:30 after a night out was not ideal, but you do what you gotta do right? Since we didn't have school today our professor from JMU (and our mom for the trip) took us to La Boca which is where the city of Buenos Aires first was established. It’s now very touristy but let me tell you... it is beautiful. All the buildings are so colorful, and craftwork and artwork they sell on the streets were mesmerizing.

We went to the“Museo de Bellas Artes Benito Quinuela Martin,” this museum was in Benito Quinuela Martin house that he lived at the time. The gallery is free to enter and I definitely recommend going if you have time.

The exhibits they had were really interesting my favorite exhibit was the one they had for Roberto Cortes. He is able to depict perfectly what La boca entails and also the struggles and oppression that argentina has faced. The museum also had the rooms made up like how Benito Quinuela Martin had them while he was alive and it was interesting to see how someone lived during the early 20th century. I'm not much of an art person but this entire museum was really interesting, especially to see how different artists show the oppression they have faced as a country.

After the museum, we went to lunch at a restaurant down the street called “La Perla”. I was not the biggest fan of this restaurant just because their service was bad, and the food was mediocre. 

We later hopped on a bus back to Plaza de mayo. I'm going to give a little back story for this next part:

During the 1970s, Argentina was facing a “Dirty War” where anyone who was against the government was persecuted. Most of the people speaking out against the government were college students, and because of this students started to disappear all over. Once mothers started to notice that their kids were not the only ones missing they started to organize themselves and want to get answers. This government was obviously very oppressive and because loitering was illegal, mothers would get into groups of two and march in circle in front of La casa rosada (equivalent to our white house) they would wear white scarves on their heads as symbols that these were mothers looking for their missing children. In total over 30,000 students went missing during this dictatorship. There is so much more to this but I personally do not want to write a whole dissertation on how horrible this situation is so here is a link to more information: https://www.history.com/news/mothers-plaza-de-mayo-disappeared-children-dirty-war-argentina

To this day, every thursday, these mothers still march on Plaza de Mayo. We all had the honor of seeing these mothers, family members and activists march in front of la casa rosada. There are now two groups from my understanding one group is still looking for answers for what happened to their children and so this group would walk around La Plaza de Mayo and they would read the names of the disappeared students outloud and after each name the group would yell “Presente” (Present) just to show that their kids will never be forgotten. The other group is now more politically active and strives to make more changes so that this never happens and they walked around the plaza saying different chants. It was remarkable to see that even fifty years later these mothers are still the front of the movement.

After seeing them march, we walked over to a cafe to get some coffee but I personally got a Submarine which is THE best hot chocolate you can drink. It’s basically a bar of chocolate that melts in the boiling milk its delicioso! After we all finished we went back home to the residence, and you guessed it, we took a nap. After our wonderful nap we went to go get dinner at a restaurant around here called “el Galeon”, not my favorite but it was a 6/10, to be fair I only got a salad but the chicken in the salad was a bit questionable. After dinner we went home and got into bed.

June 21

Today was our last day of having class till 4:30; we had two holidays this week since we had to make up for the class time missed. But I am so,so,so happy we do not have to be in class for seven hours anymore. Today in class, I realized that my vocabulary needs to expand more so now i'm glad that we were talking about topics I usually don’t discuss in spanish like the economy and politics. Other than that, class had been fun but I was a little sad today since my friend Gloria was graduating from the program and won't be in class but since shes still gonna be here for another five weeks we plan on hanging out so i'll update you guys when I get to see her again

After class we all went home and then later that night we got ready to go to dinner at a restaurant called “La Robla,” this was a spanish inspired restaurant in Palermo. I shared a Milanesa Clasico with Mashed Potatoes and we also got a side salad. This has been one of my favorite meals so far. The milanesa was to die for and those mashed potatoes really had me begging for more.

After dinner we went to a bar called “Chupitos,” we paid 140 pesos to get in and the entrance fee comes with two shots. I got a shot called “Poseidon,” it had tequila, lime juice and some blue liqour in it but i thought I wasnt going to like it but it was really good. I also took a picture of my friends beer because i mean just look at it...

After the bar we went to a techno club which was really cool to see EDM in a different country. We stayed out till about 5am with everyone and some of the guys from our residencia. After that we all went home and went directly to bed.

P.S.

I know this was a really long post so I may try and keep it to three or four day a post but I just am living in the moment an enjoying life right now so it might be a bit difficult so you all will have to bear with me. Thanks for your support!

Con mucho amor,

T.L.  

[sh-lan]

i’m always late for these now but oh well

i can’t believe i’m making an ebay account happy new year LOL

Third day of the new year!

Went to hangout with ryan and leighton. They wanted to try marugame udon so!!! Also i saw adam but didnt say hi, oops. In any case. We were like hey let’s do something like walk around! But it rained a little so we bought some cuties from trader joe’s and ended up at ryan’s house and basically sat in his kotatsu for 4 hours then i came home. I also finally know how it feels like when the manga says that your legs get tangled inside the kotatsu. And when you literally cannot get out of it. Plus the feeling of losing the ability to walk because ya gurl tried to stand up after crawling out of the kotatsu and just fell back down What a day LOL

my brain in general has forgotten how it feels like to study …oh dear

Mommy helped me dye my hair yesterday! It’s lighter than i thought but it was the gray ochre color from palty! And it smells like grape hichews Facetimed vania & yuri today and they noticed the color! And then facetiming with dad and he also noticed LIKE WOW I DIDNT REALIZE PEOPLE COULD TELL? <3

I want a lot of cute phone case but idk what and where to get EDIT: i am still having this problem

I just saw the golden year of the dog items from starbucks korea AND I WANT EDIT: also want the starbucks x pantone planner fml EDIT EDIT: did not end up buying anything good job deborah lan

i was right muster merch colors ARE BEAUTIFUL

The muster merch fmu EDIT: clearly i was overwhelmed with the colors because there were two separate drafts in a row lol

The company insists on having two references….

And now they said they chillin with a peer reference SO I PHONED A FRIEND (aka vania) bless her soul

jan 10th l i f e u p d a t e got the first job offer of my life!! (well official full time offer lol) and so it looks like i’m going to portland? :O

Wow i joined a GO for muster merch New year new me and goodbye money 탕진잼 탕진잼 탕진잼

Wow im glad i submitted the form to get muster merch because THEY ARE SO CUTE AND PRETTY. Okay but i really want PCs so i sincerely hope bighit has some sense and ship PC sets abroad when you order multiple other items Also didnt realize the lenticular key rings would be a hot item but seriously they are so much more adorable than i thought?? Jk’s key ring is so cute i cri EDIT: just found out about no acrylic stand )))): EDIT EDIT: didn’t get squat because ARMYs jump all over everything any time anything is released...

finding housing is hard and i can’t believe that i actually see an appeal to living in downtown…

fmu because bt21 getting released online BUT I REALLY SHOULDN’T BUY but also i finally got my package from jen! ugh omg the bag charms are so cute i don’t know whether to actually use them or keep them in their boxes ;__; and she included some mediheal masks! finally also sent vania her tata as a thank you gift~

deokrim stickers are too cute ima buy two sets

And ugh wow i cant believe i chanced upon cornpeu shop reopening im ded Vania and i didnt catch the timing for bt21 and now i’m still dumping money on bts things HAHA EDIT: not even 15 min after writing this, i bought the stuff from cornpeu lel (which couldve been used to buy the cushion so idk man) time to go preorder for deokrim maybe?

Wow my left hand hurts like shit did i really break it playing superstar bts like mom said? No way right

Ahhhh got my muster merch in the mail today and it’s so niceeee *^* Ima stick that washi tape like everywhere LOL

I hurt myself four different times today smh

In portland for the weekend! I deadass ate two packets of honey roasted peanuts on the plane ride over because i didnt realize i was so hungry and now i’m just waiting for the pimples to cOME ;__;

I walked into a stationery store in portland and just. FOUND MY PEACE. jk but i bought some stickers i been looking at online blesssss

No. Tax. Anywhere. (So far)

I had coke last night after my flight and i legit didnt feel tired until 3:30am oops

Omfg i cant believe someone was selling the trust issues photobook by snowpeach in the luce in altis project for $15 last night WOW LIKE THE FEW DAYS I DONT CHECK SHIT, THERE’S ALL KINDS OF SHIT I WANT. $15 is so cheap ;___;

went to portland with alice to check out apartments!!! woot. lots of fun going around/looking at the city. landed on thursday night and waited at the airport for alice and ate mcdonalds/watched the office haha friday: alice had work all day ): so i went out to meet up with yuri and leslie who happened to be out in portland too! walked to the alberta arts district to eat with them at pok pok noi. just walked around afterwards exploring in the rain before getting back home to eat dinner with alice at like 8…lol we went to bamboo sushi in sw and alice treated me to omakase as a congrats on getting my new yob!! woot also did some walking around in the neighborhood - will likely spend quite a bit of time in the powell city of books! saturday: the day we actually went out to see properties! grabbed some blue star donuts and headed into nw district - looked at some apartments and then grabbed lunch at this cute italian place that i will most likely frequent. started talking to alice about stuff and being weak, i cried and then we got free hazelnut ice cream…LOL. it was really good sunday: since we toured places that i actually liked yesterday, we basically just decided to walk around different areas. waterfront park, pioneer square…we spent a while in nordstrom rack and sephora looking for stuff for alice! lol. then dinner again at bamboo sushi and dessert at salt & straw :> monday morning: waking up early to get to the airport for alice’s flight. bought more donuts at the airport for mom! then i sat at the airport watching the office and eating until the airplane ride where i got a whole row to myself~

and that was my portland trip shortened LOL. but~ excited about the new city, definitely excited about the donuts!

Furniture shopping is hard Moving is hard Everythinf comes down to money S M H

Got approved for my apartment today!! #excited

legit on phone calls for an hour getting stuff down and ready. now to wait on emails so i can get to the next step to sign my lease!

It’s been hot in sf like ??? In other news, i put coconut oil in ma hair - let’s see how it feels tomorrow! :O EDIT: idk, it didn’t feel different?

Omg feb 5th: suddenly a day where i can play hard mode on ssbts wow what a day

I just saw the new bts game where you get to “live chat” the boys as the user becomes the manager and takes care of the bois I am literally gonna die All armys gonna die Why do they do this to us …BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE’LL NEVER BE THEIR MANAGERS

Today i threw away my first lip tint because it looked funky funks and was like dying Good bye you were good to me - onto more an new lip tints! On another note. The balenciaga cap is $350??!?!

Being fat today and ordered three desserts with han at creations. And then went to the beach because pokemon but ended up star-gazing and it was niceee

Just came across its it ice creams on IG and since it’s been so hot (cause like spring came early or something??) i want it!! Also, it’s like the only time i ever consume oatmeal raisin cookies (unless they just oatmeal - in which case, delicious) But omg i didnt know strawberry is an OG flavor? Althought mint reigns supreme. But. GREEN TEA??

A BUMBLEBEE FLEW INTO MY HOUSE THE OTHER DAY AND I WAS ALONE AND COULDNT HELP also raided mewtwo yesterday!! Woot. Surprisingly got the gym bonus after much hardwork but dayum caught with only one ball LOL

Ever since that one time on the airplane with the weird ass headache/tension above my left eyebrow….i got like two headaches in a week that were like that. Also in between those, my right ear hurts and honestly…am i broken somewhere cause lel Body please get better

Lmao so last time i put on a screen protector, i cracked it in two days cause i dropped it. And i just put on a new one last week and lo and behold, it hath cracked again but this time, in my purse. I’m so ????? Smh

Landed in portland once again with han for move in!! Woke up super early…. Just went to target/tj maxx to buy stuff. Smh should’ve bought a swiffer and gotten it sent here ): Got a shower rug! THE SOFT SQUISHY ONE. But failed in the shower curtain department cause it’s too short… Makeshift bed with blankets and bed sheets lol…we shall await the mattress coming in tomorrow~ Do have quite a bit of stuff to buy in general…): Anyways. Had a burrito for dinner and like ?!! Aluminum foil gave me an aluminum cut so…ow No internets yet - good thing han downloaded some movies!

My cuticles are dying because my hands are dry and wow this is terribad

Went and bought a shitton of strawberry chocolates for 50% off at cvs MUAHAHA

Went to macy’s (or we’ve been going often since it’s going out of business so things are going on sale) and got the seiko watch i was kinda eyeing last time. ONLY TO FIND OUT (forgot to check on amazon) that it was 38 dollahs cheaper ;__; but. EHHH it’s all good. Seems like the one on amazon has strap problems being too smol so…like, it’s totally chill

February 19th

My first day of work!! Went in earlies and had onboarding for about two hours with amother new hire. Then i returned to my room where i met my coworker and my manager! Both of whom are in the same room and we each have a desk. (Ima have to request a standing desk :O) anywayss. Got a company laptop - thank god it’s not bulky. And then i’ve got two monitors on my desk too! #bless

Then jlw went through more ux stuff with me and i also went to a stand up meeting. Like. Those are real man. Then went to company lunch! Where new hires introduce themselves and i realize that i have never used a dishwasher before and everyone was shookt lol.

Afterwards, i went to a sprint meeting AND BOIIIII PLANNING POKER DOE??? Lololol. I have to say i did not understand a single thing that was going on. Took about an hour and a half…

Anyways. went back in where jlw continued where she left off and then finally let me read some onboarding stuff on my own before she headed out at 4 and then me, leaving swiftly at 4 as well LOL

SO that was my first day! Trying to get everything in order - i hope that everything goes great and that i learn lots and lots! :> although…windows computer already killing me, no wonder people use mouses instead of the trackpad. Also…gotta learn Axure + in depth photoshop so…WOOT WOOT

Oh and we also have a huge snack cabinet i might just become a potato

Light snowfall is so pleasant :>

Bucketlist checklist:

Eat alone - check! First lunch break :> (exciting!)

Watch a movie by myself - check! Love, Simon

Second day - drank too much coffee while i’m still weak against caffeine. It’s 1:26am. HNNNGH

i got really bored at work today because even though it’s week 2 now, i was done with my shit at like 2pm so i just started looking at axure tutorials for another however long until 4:30 LOL side note: might actually do my post-its idea thing then i realize that i didn’t bring any post-its over to portland… also i cracked my screen again today because i slammed it on the counter while trying to save it from falling so did i really save it….

bought rice and shin ramen on amazon lel

Gonna try out my post it idea in the office tomorrow. Hope it goes well 🤞

2/28/17 First ever happy hour but also goodbye party for kyle - also like the first time i talked to him since the one and a half week i been there (minus when we introduced ourselves) but sads cause he was kinda a squish and everyone seemed to have a chill time working with him :/ oh well

ALSO THE FIRST DAY THAT YA GURL GOT PAID $$$ (which is just directly going to rent - oh the woe of getting paid bi-monthly LOL)

Wow i did a great job sticking on my phone screen protector! #yes EDIT: no i didnt. It’s blocking the camera slightly on top smh

Ya gurl cut her finger on a tape measure lmfaooo

Alice came two weekends in a row to help me buy and build stuff and daymn. That was some hard work and tbh i only built a shelf and a bed LOOOOL I think ima go for the sofa + table rather than the desk. I think it might work! Also went to ashun market. Good weekend :>

I went bowling today!! It was an engineering celebration so i thought - why not, let’s be social for a little bit. And it turned out to be fun~ we had some fuds and i played two rounds. And I got a strike in one of the rounds! Woot woot. Anyways. It was enjoyable, not as awkward as i had envisioned. Also i was able to successfully catch the bus home so that was great :>

I think i’m reverting back to my eating habits because there are ENDLESS SNACKS IN THE OFFICE. Oh dear

Really actually thinking about that dicon photobook because the pictures are so nice :<

ALSO FINALLY FCKIN DISCOVERED ELECTRICITY CHARGE ON KWH DIFFERS ON A MONTH TO MONTH BASIS in addition to usage. Wow the things you discover and uncover as you adult

Also city of portland why do you have a base charge of $11???????

Ahhh xfinity wifi was too good to be true Apparently only 5 devices could connect to it at one time. So i guess i gotta shop for internets now…LOL EDIT: NAWP. ALL GOOD. THAT WAS FOR HOME HOTSPOT. WOOT

Lmao my manager went to ucsd when marshall was still called third im

In other news. It looks like my one on one anxiety wont dissipate soon. Esp since last week, the vp of engineering just sent me a calendar invite for a one on one and i literally got stressed out for a straight 30 min before i said yes to the invite and could slowly go back to focusing on work lol…. EDIT: it ended up being around 15 minutes and i did not really enjoy it at all

We are bulletproof pt 2 came on today while i was walking and i still cannot believe that the first lines still got me smiling like a fckin idiot

Ok so i finally talked to this girl at work (who i think is really pretty omfg) the other day and she’d been curling her hair recently and as we were walking out of the bathroom i was like I REALLY LIKE YOUR HAIR And then she said my hair is so straight and healthy - “do you straighten it? It’s really pretty” and i’m just over here crying on the inside because it looks like hay and only happened to be really straight that day for god knows what reason. SO BASICALLY THE STARS ALIGNED JUST SO WE COULD HAVE THIS CONVERSATION Also she said she recently bought a curler that just “does it for you” and gurl i need that because idk how to DO ANYTHING TO MY HAIR UGH

I woke up with the blankets already nicely proportioned off the sides of my bed - so i just crawled out without making my bed today lool

Thought i could handle watching burn the stage but i saw the screenshot of jungkook lying down and it already broke my heart Need to be secluded with some tissues ;__;

A two day trip to see The Rose in seattle or a five day trip in san diego… 🤔🤔🤔

last day of march went to lunch with my coworkers for the first time and i actually enjoyed it! it was fun :> glad that my coworker actually dropped by the office to invite us to lunch~

good friday today because:

lunch was good

really honestly did nothing because we were troubleshooting visual studio

also basically did nothing because double sprint planning and retro LOL

HEADING HOME FOR THE WEEKEND UNTIL WEDNESDAY

#gotpaid

but no joke, on the ride to the airport, i got carsick and i honestly didn’t even know that was possible but if you think about it, i basically haven’t been on any kind of transportation for at least a month… also my uber driver is like some viet gangsta or something that gets pulled into the room every time he tries to go to canada O_O LOL

Deadass trying to save money but The rose concert in seattle, want to make an sd trip, want the 2k18 asia trip But also bts comeback sometime during the first half of the year and SUDDENLY WANNA ONE IS GOING TO HAVE A WORLD TOUR??? Dammit dude DAMMIT

My heart dies a little every time my coworker comes by and invites me to lunch with everyone *ugly sobs* Dies a little in a good way - just for clarification LOL

Mom dyed my hair for me! And it was darker than i thought BUT GREAT. Curiously enough, after two washes…it’s already lightening?? NO PLEASE STAY DARK. PLEASE. EDIT: lol i realized there was another “mother dyed my hair” somewhere on top lel. just for clarification - nobody else dyes my hair including myself cause i am incapable lOL

omfg i just saw the we bare bears x spao collab AND THEN FOUND THE ADVENTURE TIME X SPAO CLOTHES, SO CUTE!!! the jake and bmo hoodie )):

didn’t realize that i missed them so much ;__; we thought we would all die with the black hair but actually they just killed us with softness good thing they didn’t come out with foreheads lOL

okay lol basically that’s it because nothing happens in my life although i realze that i video recorded a lot of experiences and they’re all just video files sitting on my phone and that’s why maybe i haven’t been writing any everyday things down :O will i ever edit them? unclear

in any case - planning lots of fun things for the months to come hopefully!

[snails4martianrights-blog]

Some Stuff in Northern Vietnam

^ Some weird fruit I was given

I recently went to Vietnam for about five days, but upon arriving there with a huge list of things i wanted to do, coupled with what the locals were saying about how long it would take to get everywhere, I concluded that you should probably take at least two weeks to properly appreciate Vietnam, more if you can. For example, I heard great things about Halong Bay, but it takes around five hours to get there from Hanoi. Same for Sa Pa Terraces. 

Anyways, I’ll tell you what I did get to do.

I always end up in different airports, and I’d like to note that the Taipei airport for my connecting flight was quite nice, and very clean. In fact, everywhere I looked there was some random old lady idly grazing the already clean floor with a broom, not a care in the world. I want that job. The Taipei airport also featured a store called "Indigenous Taiwanese Souvenirs," from which I, of course, bought genuine Polish cherry rum liqueur candies and happily watched the lady sweep the same spot on the floor for an hour. 

After enduring the visa process in the Hanoi airport (I have never had an official take my passport and not give it back without any explanation for twenty minutes before), I got a cab to the Hotel La Siesta, which I found a deal for on the internet. The room was about $50 a night, which is over a million Dong, the currency in Vietnam. The scariest thing about Vietnam was the large numbers I heard every time I bought something. 

Hotel La Siesta

^ The room I got in Hotel La Siesta

This place is phenomenal and I can’t say enough good things about them. Not only was it super inexpensive to stay here, but it earns it’s four star rating. The rooms are clearly set up for a romantic getaway- flower petals on the beds, hard wood floors, and cute bathroom windows. I certainly didn’t mind, though I was by myself. 

The free breakfast in the morning is a mind blowing mix of all the best foods ever. There was dim sum, bruschetta, spring rolls, sushi, French pastries, and basically everything else. Wow. 

If you're into the party life, this hotel is also well situated. It's in a fun area with easy access to basically everywhere, and you can walk to some nice night life.

My room was right across from the spa inside the hotel and that is a damn good spa. I enjoy massages in Vietnam far more than Thai massages in Thailand because I wasn't crying internally. This was a good time and I would certainly recommend a massage from this hotel and also this hotel itself. 

The staff is in a class of their own. “Helpful” is a complete understatement. They offered to arrange transport to my next stop as well as call another hotel to set me up a reservation. They personally talked me through my travel plans and went through the logistics of my plan with me (thereby forcing me into the conclusion that I was not going to be able to see everything I wanted). They helped me arrange a train ride in a sleeping car to Dong Hoi the area of the Phong Nga caves, some of the biggest caves in the world. They offered to continue to help me in my travels after I’d checked out, though I told them I would be fine.

Hanoi

Hanoi is a dense area with a lot of shops, bars, historical monuments, mopeds, outdoor cafes with little plastic stools, bubble tea, pho, and fishing boats on the water. A lot of the time, people will sleep on the floor of their shop until someone walks in. If you walk to the back of the store you’re liable to find yourself in someone’s house. Sometimes you can see a family’s entire living space just from looking at the front of a store, because they generally have a whole front wall missing instead of having a door. They pull down a metal security door at night to close up. 

^ Shrimp

^ Random street

^ Store full of local antiques

^ The only gate left standing after the French invasion. apparently the French couldn’t quite crack it open, but there is a cannon ball mark still present on the upper left part. The rest of the wall has been destroyed, presumably by the French.

There is a road of official government buildings in Hanoi that look like they might have been reclaimed from the French, painted yellow, and decorated with communist banners and symbols. These buildings look like beautiful old manor houses, and maybe they once were. All of the windows were open on most of them. Maybe they don’t have air conditioning?

^ This picture doesn’t really do these building justice, but I was taking the pics as communist soldiers stared through my life, so I thought I’d be fast.

Journey to the Phong Nga Caves

So I have been salivating to get the chance to explore the largest discovered cave in the entire world, Son Doong. Son Doong has its own forest and separate ecosystem inside, as well as some camping opportunities. Sadly, this is a trip you need to be a hard core caver for, which involves being well prepared gear-wise, as well as arranging in advance with the Vietnamese government to pay $3000 for entrance to the cave. 

Son Doong is, on top of the other issues, a "level four" cave, which apparently means rappelling from the ceiling into a dark hole. Not my style. That’s why I went into a different set of caves in the same park. 

I rode the sleeping train down to Dong Hoi. The train itself is a sardine tin for people, and does not have a nice bathroom. Or nice anything else. It works though, function over form. On the way back, I did meet some nice people at the train station, including one middle aged lady selling food on the side of the track. She didn't speak English but she was able to use interpretive dance to tell me that my train would be late. I sat down on one of her stools and bought a beer and some peanuts. We became insta-friends and she took me behind her store to show me where she made the food and we took selfies. When my train came, she cheerfully kissed my face and shoved me toward the train. 

^ The train station with a bunch of vendors on the side

^ The train sleeping car. Not the fanciest way to travel.

^My newest best friend. We drank beer and she showed me where she makes the food in a random armchair out back near the bathrooms. She charges people money to use the bathrooms. Pretty slick. She also gives free peanuts to people who buy stuff. 

On the train they wheel around a giant bowl of soup for people to eat from, but most people brought their own food. Someone grabbed my leg at around 5 am and said my stop was next, so I sat up, got my stuff and disembarked. I found myself in the countryside. I found two guys with backpacks that looked lost and were speaking German and I asked (in English) if they were trying to go into the caves. They said yes and so I tagged along with them.

I ended up being thrown onto a tour bus with a bunch of Europeans and other pasty flavors, as well as Sunny, our local tour guide. Sunny was a cheerful, yellow shirted story teller, who delighted us with cave information and tales of the valiant communists who united the country under the freedom of the sickle and hammer during the Vietnam War, using the caves as an underground network, naturally. Despite the interference of the deluded but well-meaning capitalists (she said as she gazed deeply into my deeply neutral Bald Eagle Stare), the northerners used the rough terrain that we were traversing to hide from their enemies and deliver much needed supplies. Sadly, one of the supply routes became blocked when a group of children played too close to a boulder which fell and trapped them. They were fed through a crack for nine days, but stopped taking the food. In more recent times, the rock was able to be moved without destroying the cave and the skeletons removed. She also told us that every Vietnamese household has a tiger because every Vietnamese man claims his wife is one.

Sunny would not stop giving us water bottles. I think she didn’t want us to overheat, but I’d already brought my own so I made a joke that I looked like I was trying to smuggle water across the border. I started hearing people try to dissect the joke in several different languages, obviously not understanding why I thought it was funny. But there was a Canadian who said she knew we had had a water smuggler all along. She was watching me. 

Paradise Cave

This cave was previously thought to be formed by a river or inlet of ocean flowing through a crack in the earth, but now they know it was formed independently, when a bunch of underground water began to cut out minerals about 400,000 years ago. This cave is the longest cave in the world, though not the largest. Cutting through the cave is a wooden walk way, but it only goes 1 km there and back. It does not go all the way through the cave for conservation reasons. It is a shame but would also have taken a few days to walk all of it. The entire cave looks like melted peanut butter. 

^ Paradise Cave entrance

^ Inside the cave

^ Still exploring along the wooden cave walkway

^ This is a spot where a bunch of people were taking selfies. It is also I think  near where some guy said to me, “I don’t speak English. You are nice looking and I hope you have a good day.” Take notes gentlemen.

Lunch

We had lunch in an outdoor restaurant, which seems to be the norm here. The food came in giant leaf platters. Sunny decided to leave and never come back, so she yelled “bye!” and then left us all, and we were confused.  

We finished our lunch and milled around haphazardly inside a storm of frantic people handing out cave equipment. Eventually we used our collective unconscious to migrate in the general direction of the start of the cave.

^ FOOD LEAF FUCK YEAH

^ Food leaf restaurant

^ View of the end of the Dark Cave adventure from the restaurant

Dark Cave

Dark Cave was a fun adventure, and I couldn’t take my camera into it, because you have to swim the whole way. You are supposed to climb a two story tower from which you zip line into the cave entrance. After finishing the zip line, you climb into the water in your bathing suit, hard hat and life jacket and swim to a wooden walk way inside. Then you swim and walk through a really dark bat cave with what look like volcanic rocks lining the tall overhang, and climb through a slippery dark passageway inside the cave. We ended up in a super dark area (dark cave, weird that it would be called that), and there was a small cavern where we took off our life jackets and swam into what was basically a mud bath. The water was flowing slowly toward the back of the cave where it disappeared into a small crack going under ground. Fresh water came into the cave from the other side and the bottom and sides of this cavern were clay. I naturally floated at about chest level without effort, and everyone was giggling and making clay dicks on the wall and throwing mud at each other. One guy collected so much mud that he had an armful and was pretending to be a mud merchant selling his wares.We were told after about a half hour that we had to leave :(

We then went back out to the boats outside the cave and went over to the mini obstacle courses over the water and a dangerous looking water swing that no one died on but probably could have.

We were led back to the restaurant, where a bunch of puppies had come out to play in the middle of the day. They gave us rum and coke, and we watched the puppies run around. It was a good time.

^ This is a different view of the end of the Dark Cave adventure, but if you’d like more information or pictures, the below link is the tour guide page.

http://sondoongcavetour.abstravel.asia/dark-cave-tour-with-kayak-zipline-1-day.html

Dong Hoi

I got dropped off at sunshine hotel in dong hoi and didn't stay at the super boonies around the caves because I figured it would be easier to access the train that way. I was torn from my fellow mud merchants, and deposited at the hotel. I was initially concerned about a last minute hotel reservation being expensive and boy was it. A whole 400, 000 dong. That twelve dollars really set me back. I cried so hard that my own personal tears solved the world water crisis.

The hotel did have free mopeds to borrow but I figured I would hurt myself if I used one. I spent a long time watching fishing boats on the beach instead.

^ That twelve dollars got me two beds and hard wood floors.

^ So it seems like in most Vietnamese bathrooms, the shower head is just sort of on the wall like this and you just shower in the middle of the floor. It’s not as weird as it seems.

^ Nice restaurant with a good view of the neighborhood 

^ Crunchy egg rice with cucumbers

^ Shrimp

^ Part of the small bay near Dong Hoi

^ This church had a sign nearby declaring it to be evidence of American war crimes. Clearly it has been destroyed and possibly bombed.

^ Neat building I saw

[borngeek-blog1]

Dean and I just got back from the most amazing trip to Cape Town. It was all part of my grand plan. I figured that before we emigrate, I should see Cape Town, especially seeing as everyone raves about it as their favorite city in South Africa. In fact, before I ever met Dean, I was planning to do a trip around the world and the only city I really wanted to visit in South Africa was Cape Town. In the almost ten years I’ve lived here, I’ve visited most of the urban centers and national parks, but had missed out on the Mother City… until now. And wow, what a trip!

There are so many things that made this a fantastic holiday. We saw incredible sites, tasted so much deliciousness, saw people we love and also simply reveled in each other’s company. It was everything a vacation should be, and definitely a destination that I would love to revisit in the future. For sure when we come back to South Africa when Harley (and maybe one day, baby #2) is older to visit, I’d want to return to Cape Town. I really tried hard to chronical this trip more than usual – friends always laugh at me and Dean because we will go places and come home without a single picture. So I tried my best to take more pictures – I don’t think any of them will do our trip justice, though.First up, the flights. I was honestly dreading flying with a toddler. What if she was cranky? What if she screamed the whole way? What if it was the worst trip and made me dread the intercontinental journey even more? Well, I shouldn’t have worried – Harley was a dream! The airports were pretty easy thanks to having my Ubuntu carrier. I could strap Harley on and still get around without any issue. However, she really doesn’t like being in the carrier when I sit down – either at home or on the plane. So when I sat down, I unstrapped her from the carrier and just held her on my lap. On the flight down to Cape Town, she nursed for take-off and napped a little bit, otherwise just playing and being pretty chilled during the flight and landing. On the flight back home, she slept the whole time. She fell asleep before take-off and woke up when we were getting off the plane. What a dream – I can only hope she’s this easy when we face those ridiculously long flights when we emigrate.

Upon arrival in Cape Town, we grabbed our rental car and off we went to our little cottage for the week. When we went to Knysna a few months back, Harley slept in camping cots (or those bad co-sleeping experiences) in our accommodation. But this place didn’t have a camping cot for her. Instead, they had a fold-out sleeper couch that was my new favorite thing. We would make the couch into a bed, complete with sheet and duvet. Then I’d crawl into bed with Harley and nurse her to sleep, but once she passed out, all I had to do was sneak out of the bed. No lifting, carrying or putting her down, all of which are known to be opportunities for a little one to wake up. It was divine and made bedtime, as well as midnight wakeups, so, SO much easier.

Okay, so day one was already jam packed. After we got the keys to our cottage and had a quick chat with the hosts, we went for a quick walk around the area – we found our local shopping center to buy water and any other supplies we might want or need, and then off we went. We started out at Eden on the Bay in Big Bay. Thanks to it being mid-week, it was empty and beautiful. In fact, it’s so beautiful that National Geographic even has a giant frame so that you can take the perfect picture of Table Mountain and the Atlantic Ocean. Of course, I didn’t use that, though – I opted to take my own image by the dunes, and then forced Dean to take a picture of me and Harley when we sat down for lunch.

  After I had some sushi, Dean had a burger and we determined that Harley was happy with a plate of chips AND a small ball of sushi rice, off we went to Durbanville Hills. Dean did a wine tasting while I did a wine and chocolate tasting… That resulted in us sending home a case of wine and buying a couple slabs of accompanying chocolate. I adored the look and feel of that particular wine farm. Each one we went to was lovely, but Durbanville Hills was just so clean, fresh and open, plus it has an incredible sculpture garden in the tasting area. The pieces cost about as much as a small car, but that didn’t stop me from admiring them and wishing for all the space and money to have one in my home one day.

We ended up back at Eden on the Bay in the evening, heading to Saints for some truly delicious burgers. I had the Sweet Child of Mine, which comes with bacon, caramelized onions, and camembert while Dean had the Smoke on the Water, which actually featured a pork and chorizo patty. The portions were large, Harley loved the normal and sweet potato chips, and it was the perfect end to a delicious day. It wasn’t even our first full day in the city, and I was rather impressed.

The next day, the weather was beautiful. Following recommendations, we went to Bread and Butter and I had the most delicious, decadent breakfast – French Toast that’s served with camembert sandwiched between two slices along with some crispy bacon. Yeah, such a hard life.

After filling up on bread and cheese, off we went to Table Mountain. Parking was a bit of a mission, but we managed to find a spot and then took the cable car all the way to the top. The ride itself was beautiful, but once on top, there were the most incredible views. I think my favorite view, though, was of Dean carrying Harley in the baby carrier. He wanted to see what it was like, and was pretty quickly convinced that it’s the ideal way to carry her around when she isn’t in an active, run around and cause trouble kind of mood. I totally failed to take any pictures on top of Table Mountain, but here is Dean with Harley in the carrier.

After Table Mountain, we headed down to V&A Waterfront where I hoped we could catch the ferry to Robben Island. I remember doing Alcatraz as a kid when we visited San Francisco, and I was really intrigued by Cape Town’s island prison and all the history it held. Unfortunately, the tours were booked out for the day. I was advised to book online, but when I went to do so, I saw so many terrible reviews. People were stuck on the island for hours without the ferry service to bring them back, people said the tour really wasn’t that great… just complaint after complaint. They had told me at the visitor’s center that the tour was four hours, but I had figured we could always leave early if necessary. Well, if the ferry might not run and we could be stuck there, it just wasn’t a risk I was willing to take with a toddler along for the ride. Maybe next time we visit.

Instead, Dean and I hung out at V&A where I bought some new, Star Wars-themed Haviannas, and then we sat at Mitchell’s brewery and happily drank beers and had snacks. We were pretty tired when we eventually got home, and just picked up more snack food and chilled in our cottage for the evening.

The next day was blustery and chilly, so we went on a bit of a road trip. It was amazing! We went down the coast and drove through all the small towns, my favorite of which was Kalk Bay. Next time we are in the area, I really want to spend some time there browsing galleries and eating in all the cool looking restaurants on the wharf. Instead, we drove on through and got to Boulder Beach, so named because of the giant boulders (duh!). There, we got to see penguins! So cool!! Then we carried on south and made it to the Cape of Good Hope, the most south I’ve ever been in the world. We were quite lucky because at each place the weather cleared just long enough to see whatever site, with the rain continuing as soon as we were back in the car.

#gallery-0-3 { margin: auto; } #gallery-0-3 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 25%; } #gallery-0-3 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-0-3 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

On Thursday, we saw two of our very dear friends, Gerhard and Carla, and their son Finn. They moved down to Cape Town a few months back, and we have missed them a lot. It was so lovely to catch up, to talk and laugh and just generally be the way we always are together. It’s so totally comfy being together, to the point where when it was time for Finn’s bath, we threw the babies in the tub together. Too cute! I wish I could show you how adorable their kid is, or just how much fun we all had, but we were too busy enjoying each other’s company (and the incredible offering at The Spice Route in Paarl) to take any pictures.

Friday was the last of our real touristy experiences, and we decided to head to a local brewery that makes a beer Dean likes when he can get it up in Joburg – Jack Black. We managed to have a tour of the brewery, and a tasting, and buy some cool swag as well. Harley also seemed to enjoy it all, mainly because of the pretzels.

From there, we went to Groot Constantia, a Dutch manor house, and wine farm. It was a beautiful area and cool to see – the architecture was so intriguing because it pretty much showcased the types of houses Dutch people would make if they had all the room to work with. We had a delicious lunch there (are you noticing the trend here? If we stayed in Cape Town much longer I would have needed an extra seat on the plane!) and then returned to our cottage for a bit of downtime before meeting up with some of the amazing staff and community people from my day job at Critical Hit.

Already by this point in the week, I’d noticed a significant change in Harley. She had discovered her “no” ability, and it was not only adorable but really rather useful. Sure, it’s frustrating when you offer her something and she refuses, but at least through a process of elimination, I can now figure out what it is that she does want. Want the yogurt? No! Want the spoon? No! Want to put on your shoes? …. Ah, nodding – must be that. It feels like we can sort of communicate a bit more now, and it’s fantastic.

Beyond that, I’ve written before about Harley finding her appetite. Well, it was such a lifesaver on this trip. Wherever we sat down, we’d order our drinks and a plate of chips (fries) for her. Yes, I know, chips aren’t the most nutritious, but at least she’d eat a few bites and not be cranking. Thereafter she’d join in on my sweet potato fries, chicken, sushi or whatever else. When we were in the national park driving through to the Cape of Good Hope, it was so very cool that Dean and I could get coffee and pick up a small bag of Nik Naks (yes, again, I know it’s not the healthiest) and she was happy to snack away in the car while we drove.

On Saturday, Dean and I went out to meet part of my amazing mom tribe. These fellow moms became my friends at the start of the year when we were all going to do yoga together. They have since become an important part of my support network. We talk throughout the day, pretty much every day. Whether it’s just to vent about kids, husbands or work, or to share concerns or ideas, encouragement or inspiration, these ladies have become an integral part of my life. Of course, when we went to Cape Town, I had to meet the ones down there. So Cassey, Mandy, and Jonelle all converged on Stellenbosch to meet up, laugh, chat and eat and drink all the things. We were seriously missing Eleanor, but it was such a fabulous chance to finally meet in person.

Plus, our kids got to all play together, which was quite possibly the cutest thing ever. Initially, Harley was very clingy, but by the end, she was relaxed and causing mischief along with the others. Playing in an ice bucket with a stick, chilling on the grass, cruising around the picnic table. It was so adorable, and then Charly took things to a whole other level as she stroked Harley’s head and told Mandy that she missed stroking baby hair! Mandy also managed to take my new most favorite picture of Harley. Please can we all pause and appreciate how gorgeous this is:

Then Cassey and her lovely husband and adorable son took us into Stellenbosch proper to see the city and eat ice cream and explore the botanical gardens. It was a wonderful, chilled way to end the day. We made our way back to Cape Town, where we ended up back on Saints for some more burgers with colleagues. Our last day was pretty much spent just packing up and getting to the airport, where the slow lounge was divine and made the whole return experience so stress-free. Harley could wander around a bit while I ate yet more delicious nibbles and Dean drank coffee. Oh, and of course there was wifi, too.

Al in, it was one of my best, most delicious holidays I’ve had as an adult. We used to go on amazing vacations when I was a kid, but this was a new era and truly divine. I see now why people love Cape Town, and I would happily return to the Mother City for future holidays. I really want to go back and see more – more wine farms, Kalk Bay and maybe even make it to Robben Island. But at least now I feel like we can emigrate knowing that I’ve seen so much of what South Africa has to offer, and truly know it is a beautiful, delightful country.

Our Cape Town holiday was one of my best vacations Dean and I just got back from the most amazing trip to Cape Town. It was all part of my grand plan.

[bostonbridget]

Dating Chronicles: The Cheap Bastard

We met on Tinder, of course. I was newly back to Tinder after an extended hiatus during which I relied on Bumble, Hinge, and the old-fashioned way to meet people/snag dates/get frustrated with life. But one of my best friends was using Tinder for the first time, and hearing her talk about the excitement of swiping for the first time, combined with a slow Friday night and a bottle of wine, made me itch to jump back into the cesspool.

Michael seemed great at first. A couple years older than me, he was new to Boston and a grad student at a highly acclaimed music school so we talked about artsy shit and fun stuff to do in the city. Our messages were a little more intellectually stimulating than my usual Tinder exchanges, and to top it off, he was from Australia so he had the sexy accent factor. When he asked if I wanted to meet up the next week I enthusiastically accepted.

“Sounds great, what were you thinking?” “Give me a few days, and I’ll plan something for us.”

I liked the sound of that. A man with a plan automatically gets extra attractiveness points. Then he followed up with a curveball:

“How about you come over to mine and we’ll make sushi together? It’ll be a fun way to get to know each other.”

…um.

I responded “Hey that sounds really fun, but to be honest I would feel more comfortable meeting in a public place for the first time.” He seemed to get it, and suggested we go ice skating and get hot chocolate instead. I agreed, he asked if I wanted to get a drink somewhere near the ice rink beforehand, I suggested one of my favorite spots, we had a date set.

Despite suggesting we meet for a drink prior to skating, he didn’t end up ordering a drink. When I finished my glass of Cab Sav, he not only made no movement toward his own wallet to pay for mine, but didn’t bat an eye when I eventually got the hint and paid for my drink. This wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest if he’d established that he wanted to go Dutch on the drink situation, but I was operating under the impression that he was paying since he was calling all the shots. I got the feeling that if I hadn’t paid we both would have sat staring at the bartender all night. The first date was off on a weird foot already.

I have a season pass to the skating rink, so he only had to pay for himself. That’s when I learned he had never skated before in his life—he proposed that date since he knew I love skating. Ok, that’s really cute, I admitted, but that also meant the whole date was me giving him a skating lesson. After about a half hour of riding the struggle bus straight into the ice, I suggested we follow up on his hot chocolate idea. He agreed, but as we made our way off the ice he asked if I had my wallet on me. Taken aback, I stammered that I had left it in my skate bag. I went to fetch it. When I got back to the concession stand, a long line had formed and so he bought my hot chocolate since he was standing right there and it would save time, plus as he put it, “It’s the least I can do since you’re teaching me how to skate.” The drink cost $1.50. The fact that he’d been so reluctant to shell out for something he’d proposed in the first place rubbed me the wrong way but I pushed it out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of the date.

On our walk back to the subway, we passed the movie theatre and he mentioned he’d been hoping to see some films. We spent a few minutes discussing the current releases, then I gave him a hug goodbye at my subway stop and told him we should definitely meet again next week. First date down, overall my spirits were high.

A few days later we started texting to plan Date 2. He wanted to skate again but I put the kibosh on that because I enjoy skating, not teaching a six foot conglomeration of arms and legs how not to fall on me. I suggested a movie instead—the weather was looking spotty, and we had talked about movies just recently. “I’m not taken by the selection at the moment.”

…um. We literally just discussed this a few days ago. I was confused. I knew he was a student, so maybe he was trying to save money? Working off that theory, I suggested the Museum of Fine Arts since admission is free on Wednesday nights.

The date was going well enough besides a complete absence of physical chemistry on my part, until we started swapping roommate horror stories. Mine include a violent alcoholic and a kleptomaniac—separate people, and stories for another day—but his roommate’s capital sin was…wait for it…leaving the heat on in the apartment when he goes out so that the temps stay at 72 degrees. Apparently, this is a wasteful and expensive practice. I held my tongue rather than blurt out that I can’t live in a house that’s colder than 72, but mentally I chalked this up as a potential issue.

At the end of this date, we discussed going out again, and he said his student budget is tight but he was dying to try some restaurants in the city since he hasn’t done much culinary exploration in the 3 months he’s been here (To be more specific, he got fast food twice and that was the extent of it. For a man who describes himself as a foodie, I found this strange). I enthusiastically described a few of my favorite places for potential future dates and then we parted ways.

On the way home I convinced myself that since he was apparently a broke student we wouldn’t go out again because he seemed completely uninterested in paying for anything, particularly me. This was starting to really bother me. I should point out I’m not a materialistic person, but Boston is an expensive-ass city and there are really only so many things you can do for free on a date before you’re stuck with Netflix & chill. Additionally, I love going out for dinner and drinks. I do it all the time with my friends, and it’s a part of my life I’m not willing to give up with for the sake of dating someone without a convenient 9-5 like yours truly.

That night, my roommate and I decided together that I’d stop seeing him, and literally a minute later he texts me “Want to get dinner this weekend?” I was taken aback. Maybe he’d finally seen the light as to my likes/dislikes, and was also interested enough to finally sacrifice a little to spend more time with me. I replied “Sounds great, where were you thinking?” He goes, “I’m not very familiar with places in the city—where do you want to go?” At this point, I’ve planned all our dates, and my patience was a hair away from cracking entirely. Just get on Yelp like a normal person and figure this shit out! I politely encouraged him to do some research and choose. He comes back with “How about I make you dinner?”

Fuuuuuuuuuck we’re doing this again? Nope nope nope. 

“I assumed you meant a restaurant since you mentioned it last night,” I reply. “I was thinking about it, and you’ve shared some important things about you with me, and I’m not sure that I can do the same by taking you to a restaurant I don’t know in a new city. I figure sharing some food from back home would be a nice way to do that though.”

I’ve shared important things? I assume he’s referring to my love for skating and art, but those aren’t dark secrets I save for super special people. Now I’m genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of spending more time with this kid, but I already said yes. Fuck. Fortunately I managed to move it up from dinner to lunch, so less pressure. I also fabricated an unmissable commitment at 2 with a friend in order to keep a time limit on this date.

This third date confirmed my suspicion that he was a cheap bastard because, at his house, he talked about how much every one of his possessions cost, and how much money he saved on his purchases. It was weird. He also gave me an exhaustive history of every scholarship he’d ever applied for and their exact worth. You know, typical cutesy date talk.

The incredible exotic “food from back home” (Australia) turned out to be pasta with marinara sauce. Did the poor guy not know that Americans eat Italian food?? I mean, it was pretty good, but I’ve definitely made equally good pasta myself and I don’t have a drop of Italian blood in me. I also live in a city with a killer Italian neighborhood and the best damn Italian you’ll have west of the Atlantic. Michael’s fate was sealed. I completely stopped giving a fuck about making a good impression and dove straight into the worst date conversations: politics, religion, and stuff that pisses me off. My attempts to turn the guy off failed miserably though because, incredibly, he found my opinions very interesting and engaging. *hair flip* Realizing this, I promptly developed a bad case of stank face, told him I had to run, and peaced the eff out of there, barely giving him a hug goodbye. I texted him later thanking him for dinner, and he tried to talk about politics and religion more but I did not engage. He must have gotten the hint because I never heard from him again.

This story was long AF, but the life lesson is that cheap bastards exist, they are the worst, and don’t let any of their charms distract you from that fatal flaw.

[purplesurveys]

492

How's your day going? Super chill, which is a nice change after the hectic last couple of days. Went to the mall with my family this morning to have lunch, discovered the gift that is spicy tuna salad, bought myself iced coffe and a container of pink slime, and spent the whole afternoon just playing my new favorite app, Bitlife. What shape is your face? It’s square-ish, which I hated so much when I was younger because I thought it made my face look abnormal (cause no one else in school had a square face) and that it gave me such a wide jaw. Nowadays I embrace it precisely for the reason that it’s not a common Filipino feature, and because it gives me a really good jawline. What sort of computer are you on right now? I’m on a Macbook Air. What's your favorite restaurant? I have a lot of favorites depending on the cuisine, but in general Yabu easily takes the cake. Torch is a favorite if I wanna spend on really good sushi. Mama Lou’s is my favorite Italian place; Marugame Udon is my favorite if I wanna have a budget-friendly meal; Mesa is my go-to for Filipino food. What does your umbrella look like? I used to have a pink umbrella with a faint print on it, but as with all things I own, I eventually lost it.

Do you share a room with anyone? My dog. Are you superstitious? Only when it comes to Oble, my university’s symbol. I’ve explained the supersition on an old survey but it’s an easy Google search if anyone’s curious. Do you believe in astrology? NO. Take the vowels out of your name. What does it spell? Rbyn. Do you eat breakfast every day? No. That’s the meal I easily miss out on; I usually just have a big lunch to make up for it. You can go back in time and slap one historical figure in the face. Who? Ferdinand Marcos, former President and dictator and forever a thief and liar. Do you have socks on? Describe them. Nope. I go barefoot in the house. Pick up your cell phone for a second. Who's your first text from? The first text I got *today was from my girlfriend, letting me know she had just woken up. Fourth missed call? My mom. Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? Noooooo. I never let my phone rack up too many apps. Have you ever been to the ballet? I’ve seen ballet recitals before, but I’ve never been a legit production. It’s one of the things on my bucket list. Do you have good reflexes? Yes, all thanks to all my years of table tennis. Do you have many internet friends? I used to have a lot when I was still an active fangirl on Twitter/Tumblr haha. The most fun I had was with the AJPunk fandom; I had a reeeeeally big and close circle of friends from the States and all over Europe. My sleeping schedule was insane at the time because I’d stay up to talk to them and bond over fanfic updates, new AJPunk scenes, and IRL spottings of the two. While we’ve grown apart in the last few years it’ll always remain a really fond memory for me. Do you think those friendships are on level with your real life ones? It used to be. They’d be the first people I’d talk to before the school bus picked me up and the last before I’d turn in for bed. Do you keep a journal? This Tumblr, pretty much. Describe for me your ideal sandwich. Banh mi in general. I don’t really have an ideal recipe. What are some names that you like? Olivia, Mia, Ines, Elizabeth, Scarlett, Isabella, Emma to name a few. Is there something you're putting off doing in favor of this survey? Not really. I kinda did my main task this afternoon, so I’m good for tonight. Are your friends generally like you or different from you? We’re all different in our own ways. Jo and Laurice are very chatty, JM is super closed off, Aya is a great artist, Kate's social skills are top-notch, Luisa is into sports. I’m none of those. Link me to a picture you think is cute. Egh. Do you like blowing bubbles? I loved it as a kid and I’m pretty sure I’ll still like it now.

What's the band that you love even though you know they're awful? That’s not what I think about the bands I listen to. Ever had a pillow fight? Maybe when I was younger. What do you usually pick in truth or dare? Truth. I have no problem being honest about anything. Are you better at posing good questions or coming up with outrageous dares? I’m a journalism student, so the questions. Vinyl, cassette, CD or MP3? I’d pick vinyl, even if I don’t own any or have a record player. But the reason I picked it is that Gab and I drop by Satchmi sometimes and test the record players and they sound amazing. Do you coo over other people's babies? I always would at the first chance. What is something that makes you very squeamish? Blood. Gab has nosebleeds semi-regularly and as much as I love her, that’s the one thing I can barely help her with. Like I’d get her tissues, but I literally would not look at her while it’s happening, because I will absolutely feel like vomiting. Do you try those as-seen-on-TV things? I wouldn’t buy them but if I saw them in real life and was offered the chance to test them, I would. Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? Chyna. She died on my birthday and I cried for a while when I read the news. Do you get the dressing on the salad or on the side? All over the salad. Do you make lists, or are you more of an unplanned person? I make lists for almost everything. If you're out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you're still in school, do you think you will? Yes. I follow most of them on social media. We’re a close batch, and we’re not letting go of each other that easily. Is there something you like to eat that most people think is gross? SEAFOOD!!! As someone who’s from an archipelago and whose entire culture is defined by seafood, I almost get hurt whenever I see people viewing fish or shrimp or oysters or mussels as ‘disgusting’ looooool cause it’s like why tho :// I respect tastes but don’t call it disgusting??? Do you have a lot of photographs of your friends? I have quite a bit, yes. Do you dye your hair regularly? I’ve never dyed my hair. Do you think, if it came down to it, that you'd be able to kill someone? If they did anything to a loved one and if I would be able to get away with it, yes. Are you good at rating things? I’m not sure, I’ve never had to rate a lot of things. What's a movie that you want to see? Midsommar. What was the name of your third grade teacher? Ms. Adette. She was also our math teacher. She was very motherly but the year she taught us was her last year in the school too since her family was moving to Oman. Are you a competitive person? Yeah. I can’t help it. Do you get into a lot of arguments? I try not to because I hate losing thanks to the aforementioned competitiveness. Do you like to go shopping? When my dad is around to buy the stuff, yes. HAHA Can you knit? Nope. I didn’t give a shit in sixth grade home econ. Do you use the same username everywhere online or do you have a lot? Yeah I used to use robyncanrana for everything, but lately I’ve been going with simply my first and last name. What's something that you really like about yourself? I’m a good worker and I never leave anything undone. Can you pass for older than you are? Not at all, I look like I’m 15. Have you ever been in a situation where that was necessary? Yeah, for when I need to get out of driving violation tickets. Do you talk a lot? If I’m comfortable with someone, I can. I’m still a listener at heart though. Are you a Facebook creeper? No, I hate Facebook. What is a smell that you hate? Spoiled rice. If you don't set your alarm clock or anything, when will you wake up? I’d still wake up pretty early. Do you even use an alarm clock, or do you just use your phone? I use the Alarm feature on my phone. Do you watch Maury or Steve Wilkos or anything like that? No. What did you get your best friend for their last birthday? I wasn’t with Gab during her most recent birthday. What did they get you for yours? She wasn’t with me for mine. Are you capable of finishing a game of Monopoly? I’ve never played Monopoly and never really plan to; it looks so boring and complicated. What is a word or phrase that you overuse? “Literally,” “like,” and “at the end of the day.” The last one I got because my internship boss used it for eeeeeevery fuuuucking senteeeeence it was insane. I caught it eventually. What's your favorite painting? Anything Monet. Have you ever written to your congressman? I haven’t. Did you get sent those free AOL discs a lot? Nope. Are you allergic to anything? I am not. What are you going to do now that you're finished with this survey? Check my Twitter timeline.