#i at least dont want to lose touch with what im FEELING | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

3-carnivore-goats · 2 months ago

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since i began to talk i couldnt make friends for the life of me. i was told i was too intense. okay then, it takes me years and it literally killed my will to live, but i dial it down.

still can't make connections. "you look uniterested, open up some more".

it's okay, it took me my entire developing years to craft that personality, but it's okay, i can learn to be more of an extrovert, if it's worth it.

it doesnt get better. huh. "well of course, have you ever considered you look desperate?"

oh fuck you im so tired of trying. nothing works im just not built for this. im so fucking tired. really. no human connection is worth this bullshit. im so worn out by mirroring other people's behavior i dont even know who i am god im so tired

#yes i look uninterested because i am uninterested #no i dont feel like tweaking facial expressions because it makes it easier for you to read me #i hate that so much i hate everything thats involved in that process #i at least dont want to lose touch with what im FEELING #by masking it so you can digest it better #no this is not my edgy arc ahah its more of a 24/7 thought #but you know not talking to a person for a while gives you time to put your thoughts down more coherently #but then again something happened in july and it helped me decide that it is not worth it #if i go all emo as a result then be it ahah #maybe it's comforting and it allows me to rest #maybe its fine if i feel a certain way and act on it #even if its not the most cheerful and wise option #maybe i can feel calmer by dreading human interaction because i DO dislike it #i can trash all therapy talk that told me otherwise #bpd tag

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