#i assume you're greek in this situation so you consider the polis to be a collection of the politai including yourself

[monikatouhou]

Imagine the romans conquer your city and they call it roughly what you call it except with -ium at the end. Literally neutering you. Humiliating.

[greekbros]

"greek-Bros: King of THICC"

Apollo: .... Dionysus, are you sure this contest makes any sense?

Dionysus: look let's be real, nothing in the world makes "sense" but....I would like to make....a contest! To see who deserves to be considered...the THICCEST man in all of the land.

Apollo: I thought you considered yourself the THICCEST man in all Greece.

Dionysus: I'm the THICCEST god. Not man, I have to humble myself my bro. *takes a sip of wine* Plus it would be an amazing chance to help judge.

Apollo: wut?

Dionysus: and you're the guest judge.

Apollo: ....ok but this better not be some terribly constructed competition.

*later that week*

Dionysus: Ladies, Gentlemen, nyphs and satyrs, tonight we present to you. The THICCEST men in all of Greece-

Several people in the crowd: *cheer*

Dionysus: And now to introduce our tonight's judges, Artemis, Hera and special guest judge Apollo!

Artemis and Hera: *both enjoying the moment in the spotlight*

Apollo: *a little embarrassed that he's been included in this*

Dionysus: winner of the competition gets first dibs on the first wine of the winter and a dinner date with our very own god of war Ares...

Ares: *dressed in a fancy suit, completely unhappy about his situation* .....YOU SAID THESE WOULD BE HOT THICC GIRLS!

Artemis: ugh....why is Ares is here?

Hera: *planned this part of the competition so she could get Ares a proper bride until she found out about it being a male only competition* as long as they don't flaunt themselves and stay faithful I don't care.

Dionysus: And now, our caked contestants! *introduces 5 different bodied men all varying in hight and weight, unfortunately, they all look like your average man with one or two of them just being a fat polis governor, one being an Arcadian toga model and one being a farmer with a hardy built.*

Hera: ....number 2 and 3 look at little too lean.

Artemis: *looks at their butts* .....hmm... number 4 looks good....but number 1 and 5 are a whee bit too thicc.

Apollo: ......I assume number 4 is a good candidate.

*about 30 mins later*

Dionysus: and now the results are i-*a satyr taps his shoulder and whispers into dionysus's ear* oh.... really? Hmm....ok. *turns to the audience* hold on a minute folks, there has seems to be a ....late minute entry.

Ares: *in the corner crying a little because he just wants to have passionate and soft-warboi sex with Aphrodite* come on mooooom this is fucking torture.

Hera: You're going on a REASONABLE date with a REASONABLE person Ares, I may not have any emotional or maternal connection to your brother but I will be DAMNED if I end up letting aphrodite break your heart.

Ares: MOM ITS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP!

Dionysus: *clears throat* ok, here's..... Heracles!

Heracles: *being reluctantly pushed by Hebe*

Hebe: He's the THICCEST.

Heracles: *crimson with bashfulness* Hebe pleeeeeeease.

Hebe: Heracles, you deserve this! You're the greatest boyfriend a girl can ask for!

Hera: WHAT?!?

Artemis: *nudged apollo* this is getting interesting.

Apollo: I agree.

Dionysus: ....come on buddy show us what you got.

Heracles: *deeply sigh* fine. *Removes his lion pelt, and loin cloth, revealing literally the most muscular, sculpted and perfect body, turns to reveal his backside, showing off his true THICCNESS*

Crowd: *gasps and cheer at the sight*

Hera: oh myself he inherited Zeus's ass you have got to be fucking kidding me. HEBE YOU'RE GROUNDED YOUNG LADY!

Ares: PLEASE NO! I DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU FUCKLES!

Dionysus: OH MY GODS. HE'S TOO THICC!

Apollo and Artemis: *both stick up 4 perfect score cards*

Hera: NO!

Dionysus: *legs give out and kneels* MY BRO! YOU ARE THE GOD OF THICC! *Bows*

Contestants and audience: *all bow down before Heracles's true thiccness*

Apollo: well, looks like you're going to have to date him Ares.

Ares: *in a fetal position*

Heracles: No. I give the prize of wine to the most needy in the crowd, and Ares to Artemis.

Artemis: WUT?

Ares: ew gross.

Artemis: than I pass Ares to apollo.

Apollo: NO! I pass Ares down to........*stands up, closes his eyes and points to a random person in the crowd and ends up picking an old lady* ...her I guess.

Ares: COME ON I FEEL SO USED!

Hera: *defeated in every sense of the word* at least she's not related to you, has some semblance of maturity and experience.

The old lady: *in the most little old lady voice* Oh goodness I'm so lucky aren't I?

Dionysus: I can't believe someone actually beat me...at being thicc. *Dramatically falls to the floor*

Apollo: ....are you ok dionysus?

Dionysus: yes I'm fine.

Heracles: *holding Hebe while she non-stop kisses him*

*later that romantic evening*

Ares: *deep sigh*

Little old lady: oh come now sonny, it isn't all that bad. *Grabs his ass*

Ares: ! *Notices that this old lady's death grip felt familiar* ....no...no it can't be...a-*gets shushed*

Aphrodite in disguise: shhuuuuuuuuuuu you wouldn't want your mother knowing about this would you sonny? *Winks*

Ares: my heroine in shining armor.