#i asked someone else in HR for advice and how i feel like the dismissal date was misrepresented to me

[colourofthekites]

I feel like I just signed my own dismissal

[gilbirda]

My (subjective) thoughts on how to survive corporate hell while being younger than 30

I'm 27 and I've been working in corporate office job since I was 23 and I have some advice for any youngster out there feeling unsure if they can even make it in office corporate jobs while being younger than 40.

Don't reveal info about yourself. Craft a superficial version of yourself you can share with peers. Pick a hobby or two and repeat the same speech about what you do for fun. Points if you do something people would remember - everyone says sports and/or traveling. Say something original, but safe.

Your company is not your family. You don't owe them a minute more or less than what says in your contract. You are not less if you refuse to work unpaid extra hours. If they demand that of you, get that in writing and take that shit straight to HR.

Know your rights. If you have paid time off, you are entitled to those days off. I'm european so I have a lot of them, and my company is ALWAYS asking me if "I'm sure I can leave my team down for so long". Bitch I can take the days off whenever I want, is my right. The fact that I'm not taking them in the busiest times is a courtesy.

Be careful with what you say. Everyone will be nice, but not everyone is your friend. Some people would sell you for a potato chip, and finding out who would is vital for your survival. (Hint: if someone spills tea about other people to you, they will spill YOUR tea to other people).

Offices are just like high school. Rumors can and will spread like wildfire.

Another "high school" office cliché: cliques. Yes. Same dynamics will form and identifying them will make things easier. My favorite clique to observe is the people that are shooting for the stars and are always around the Biggest Boss licking their shoes. They will also be the first to speak about how a company project improves their personal life because their personal life and work life is one and the same and they ADORE the company.

Being young can play to your advantage. You are fresh and new, and most of the corporate toxic behaviors won't apply to you by default - but Watch Out, they will also underestimate you and dismiss your opinions. Is a constant battle and a delicate dance.

You Will Be Adopted. That's fact. Be quick to learn who exactly is trying to put you under their wing, and if you are comfortable with that dynamic. It mostly depends on what kind of career you want to make in the company - want to climb higher? Stick with the boot lickers (they will introduce you to Important People); want to be up to date with all the gossip? Attach yourself to the Nice Lady Everyone Tell Their Secrets To. Etc.

I cannot stress this enough: Don't say names. On top of everything else in this list, don't say a single name unless you are absolutely sure you are in a safe space. Names have power, and if you complain about someone and say their name, that will have consequences. Maybe that person will learn you are talking shit, or maybe you will unknowingly make a political stance depending on who you are complaining about, maybe you are implying someone is bad at their job.

Don't assume that young people are your friend. This is a tough one I had to learn, but at the end of the day we are all surviving. Other young people will understand you and stick with you, but if an opportunity opens they will take it without saying goodbye. Or they have other priorities and career expectations and just... not be your friend after all. Not because you are also younger than 30 it means you are besties.

You will be bombarded with boomers and gen Xers talking about "the old days" and "how before things were better". That if you "just worked hard enough the company repays you" and such. Ignore them. Corporate job is not what it was, this isn't the old days anymore. Getting in is not as easy and it used to be, the salary doesn't last as much as it used to be and the productivity demanded is higher than ever. Ignore them. Most of them have been pushing buttons for 30 years and wouldn't understand the hellscape the world is becoming in the last 20 years.

You have to accept the reality that none of your 45+ years old coworkers are as qualified as you. The requirements for regular entry level corporate jobs now are insane, and "back in the day" you just had to show up and have a nice smile. Yes, it sucks. Yes, higher ups are the least qualified. Crazy.

Learn how to talk corporate. Learn how to say no, how to set down boundaries, how to politely ask for help. Normal people talk will instantly work against you because you are young. Talk like them and they'll listen.

This got away from me but eh.

Disclaimer this is just based on my experience and my culture - I live in Spain, Europe. I tried to keep this general, but I understand there's a bunch of social dances and understandings that are unique to my culture and may not apply to other people.

I am also autistic and I understand that it affects how I experience social contracts and behaviors.

This is just the bunch of rules I live by and I'm doing my best at surviving. I'm not a corporate rat and if I didn't need money to exist I would definitely quit, but I can't deny I have learned a lot.

If someone has more advice to add please do!

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Decryption_Error: “Out of Reach”

Summary: Mr. Robot protects Elliot when Y/N pushes too hard; she’s left to wonder if she’ll ever see the man she fell in love with again.  

A/N: My tech lingo is gibberish—don’t @ me, tech peeps, unless you want to rewrite my dialogue because that would be super cool 🙃

Decryption_Error: All Chapters

Word Count: 4000

Tags: @sherlollydramoine​ @rami-malek-trash​​ @teamwolf2411 @limabein​ @txmel​​ @alottanothing​ @ouatlovr @backoftheroomandnotbelonging​ @moon-stars-soul​​ @free-rami​ @ramimedley​ @hopplessdreamer​ @sweet-charmie @polarcrystall​​ @hah0106​ @clumsybookworm18​

Warnings: ANGST, shouting, aggressive posturing and grabbing/hurting (let me know if I need to warn for anything else)

It was the second Monday of March which meant it was time for a monthly status report. This was one of the hundreds of meetings I attended in which I usually had a razor-sharp focus because this was the part of my job I missed. I missed having a direct role in operations, subverting attempts at data breaches, and working on scripts that would improve day to day operations.

I looked around the table and my eyes settled on the new Senior Manager, although I guess I couldn’t call him “new” anymore. Tim Millner-Brown had already weathered three anonymous hacks and managed to keep everything (and everyone) calm.

Since Dad retired in January and this was now considered a transitory time, it was all the more important operations ran without hiccups. I fixed my gaze on JaLeah, then switched to Ali as he began to speak about a new script to assess WiFi network vulnerabilities. As I listened, my mind flashed back to the meeting Colin and I had with Ali to reprimand him and a wave of disgust prickled through me. I swore to Elliot that his attackers would pay, but here was Ali, confident and happy, leading Elliot’s team.

Tim interrupted Ali, asking, “Why can’t a two-way handshake be enough? Less connections, less chance for an attack?”

Ali was quiet before he said, “Let’s get Alderson to explain. He’s leading the work on the new script.”

Jayne returned after a few moments, Elliot following her like he had been summoned into the principal’s office. He scanned the room, his eyes lingering on mine until I gave him a quick smile, reassuring him he was here to do what he did best.

Tim redirected his question to Elliot who thought for a moment before clarifying, “A three-way handshake is necessary to avoid half-connections. If one ISN changes their mind and doesn’t want to connect, the server doesn’t see the re-sent SYN so it thinks the ISN got its ACK and the connection was established, but it wasn’t—it won’t ever be closed. If we can cut the time it takes for the GTK to associate with a device, we can cut the time a hacker has to gain an access point.

“Without compromising data flow,” he added.

This was not the same Elliot who was ready to quit a year ago rather than give a presentation. I felt a swell of pride at how far he had come, the confidence he had gained. All he needed was someone to believe in him and to push him. And along with my swell of pride came a surge of anger as an image of Elliot, blacked out and bleeding in a broken server room, flashed through my mind.

“Tim, work with Elliot to determine how much time he needs, then work with Ali to find out how much that time will cost. I want a report by Wednesday. And if everything adds up, you can start on Friday—or should we make it Monday so as not to infringe on anyone’s weekend plans?”

My eyes never wavered from Ali’s face as I watched it pale, but from my peripheral vision, I could also see Elliot’s eyes widen. Then, Miles’ voice echoed through my mind on the day I was forced to appoint Ali as Colin’s replacement: You bet the house, and you lost.

But as long as I was in charge, Ali would know I’d never forget what he did. And in that moment, I wanted Elliot to know I hadn’t forgotten either. Never mind that the secret I was keeping from him was burning a hole in my stomach, pushing me to feel even more protective of Elliot than usual.

JaLeah smirked, but she played the placater better than anyone. She peppered Elliot with questions, then Tim dismissed everyone so he and I could go over his analytics.

“Thanks, Elliot,” I said, as he left the room, his lips turning up in a soft smile.

“The two of you are dating?” Tim asked as soon as the door shut.

I raised my eyebrow and turned to look at him.

“Yes?”

“So, it’s not against company policy to date someone you supervise?”

“Elliot and I were in a sort of unique circumstance. We signed a contract with HR, but I ended up being promoted almost immediately afterward, which eliminated the direct conflict.”

“Hmm,” Tim said as his fingers tapped on the folder in front of him.

“Why?”

“JaLeah is . . . well, she’s—”

“Say no more. Obviously I’m a proponent of shooting your shot in the workplace, but Elliot and I were sure to be super transparent about it. And that’s all the advice you’re getting from me. If you want to know if she’s interested, ask her.”

Tim smiled, and I felt like I saw him as a person for the first time instead of just as my replacement.

“And I would be happy to take over her evaluations in the event she is interested.”

Tim’s smile grew a bit wider and he thanked me, twice, before we dove into the data.

It was close to lunch time when Tim and I finished, so I sought out Elliot to see if he wanted to go out. As I walked toward his workstation, he was oblivious to the world, his eyes glued to the screen and his shoulders almost perfectly still despite the furious pace at which I knew his fingers were moving over the keyboard. A pang of guilt resurfaced for the thousandth time this month as I reminded myself I needed to make a decision about what I discovered.

Since I found the grand jury’s testimony, I had been conducting some “research” on my own. All 23 members of the jury, even the one who had voted not to indict, had been receiving the same amount of money for the past 13 years: 2,500 a month.

All 23 people claimed the money on their tax returns, but in 23 different ways—gas leases, oil leases, rental properties, gifts, renting their parking spot in the city, tips, bonuses, and on and on. It was clear someone had met with them and told them exactly how to keep this money under the radar. And if someone met with them to lay out the process for receiving money, then there had to be evidence of that meeting—or that person.

A part of me was dying to share this with Elliot, but another part of me was adamantly against it, afraid of what I would unleash within him if he was given the opportunity to pursue vengeance. My mind kept returning to who he was on the night of Dad’s party and wondering if I could trust that part of Elliot, that part who seemed ready to do something a lot more rash than scratch an itch or even just file a lawsuit. There was a part of Elliot, hell, there were still so many parts of him I didn’t know, didn’t understand.

What I did understand was that every time I looked at him, I felt guilty. And when Elliot’s eyes glanced up and noticed me, he stopped and smiled, a sweet, open grin and Miles’ words flickered through my mind again.

You bet the house, and you lost.

* * * * *

Time has a funny way of making decisions for you, especially if you’ve been riddled by indecision. Once enough time has passed, the control is going to be taken from you—the decision will be made for you, rather than by you.

By the end of March, something uncomfortable had settled between Elliot and me. He was growing distant, closed off, and I stopped working to maintain our open line of communication. The more guilty I felt about hiding the grand jury transcript, the less I wanted to see him. I knew I needed to tell him, but if I had found out about the juror payoffs, Elliot would be able to, and in half the time.

And everything could lead back to my father.

And something deep inside of me knew he knew—I didn’t know the how or the what, but I was certain he knew I was hiding something.

It was after 10:00 pm on a Thursday night when I got home from a dinner party, a business meeting disguised as a social gathering, something I never invited Elliot to anymore after his vitriolic rant.

I was more than surprised to find Elliot sitting on the floor near the balcony, the door open as a wet March wind blew in, smoking a cigarette as nearly half a pack of butts were already stubbed out in the ashtray I knew had been empty.

He was drinking a beer and he was clad entirely in black, topped off with his well-worn hoody, which was something I hadn’t seen on him in a long time.

His hood was up, probably to fight off the chill of the wind, but I wasn’t sure if the explanation was so simple tonight.

“Hey,” I said softly as I pushed the door shut behind me. “I told you I had a thing tonight, didn’t I?”

Elliot nodded yes, as his lips wrapped around the end of his cigarette.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, dread settling over me like a weighted blanket as I watched him take a long drag, the cherry flaring red in the dim light of my apartment.

I slid out of my coat and hung it up on the rack before reaching down to unzip my boots. As I kicked them off, I waited for Elliot to answer. I was tired and wanted nothing more than to change out of my clothes, maybe shower away the day, and go to bed.

Except the smarter part of me knew that wasn’t going to happen and filled me with a sudden desire to just  get this over with—just blow the lid off the box and let the scraps settle so we could get back to our normal.

But that would require fixing Elliot’s biggest flaw: his inability to move forward because he never really addressed the root of his problems.

I watched as he stubbed out his cigarette and tipped his beer back, finishing the last swallow.

I sighed in frustration.

“Either tell me what this,” I said as I gesticulated to and around him, “is all about or let me go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

“Where were you?”

I blinked, irritated because we just went over this.

“I told you where I was—at a dinner party. You know, those things I don’t invite you to anymore because you hate everyone?”

Elliot stood, reaching back to slide the balcony door shut. He didn’t take his hood down as he walked to the kitchen sink and rinsed out his bottle before setting it on the counter next to the others.

Chalk that up to something else out of character; Elliot never drank alone.

“You’re lying to me,” he said quietly, his back still turned.

“About the dinner?”

“No. Maybe? How am I supposed to know when you’re the one who’s always lying?”

“I can’t do this,” I said, running a shaky hand through my hair.

“You can’t do this?” Elliot said, his voice rising as he turned around. “You’re the one keeping things from me!” he shouted, his eyebrows raised, making his eyes look impossibly huge, and the cords on his neck standing out as he pointed his finger at me.

“How did you find out?” I asked quietly as I leaned on the counter, looking at the swirled pattern within the granite, unable to meet what was surely an intense gaze.

“I’ve been waiting, Y/N. Waiting for over a fucking month, wondering why you wanted to hide it from me. Wondering what else you decided not to tell me. Wondering if everything you have told me is just a way for you to manipulate me—”

My head shot up, my eyes finding his instantly as I asked, “Why would I want to manipulate you?”

Elliot didn’t answer; his eyes were dark, a stormy grey as they swirled with clouds of emotion. He felt betrayed, and I watched as his eyes settled on my tote that was sitting on the kitchen stool.

“You saw the transcript,” I said with a sad sigh. “You weren’t supposed to find out like that.”

I lowered my gaze back to the granite of the countertop, a strange relief pushing off that weighted blanket of dread. No more hiding. No more agonizing over whether to tell him.

The silence that followed my realization was dreadful, stretching out until my ears rang and my eyes blurred as I stared at the countertop.

“I can’t trust you anymore,” Elliot said, his voice cracking.

But that was the wrong thing to say. My nostrils flared as a thick, white-hot anger rose up in my throat like bile.

“You! You can’t trust me because I withheld something from you? Once! When have I ever done anything like this in our entire relationship?” I questioned, my voice bordering on shrill, so unlike my usual tone that it didn’t even sound like my own voice.

“You’ve broken promises.”

“When?”

“After the server room. You promised me ‘the fucking assholes’ would lose their jobs. And now one of them is my supervisor.”

I stared at Elliot dumbly until he dropped his gaze, leaning back onto the counter.

“We talked about that,” I said, my tone a few octaves closer to normal. “I offered to refuse to promote Ali. You told me things like that happen—it’s a part of the way to ‘enact change.’ You told me not to fight back against his promotion.”

“You promised,” Elliot mumbled, his knuckles growing white as his grip tightened on the countertop.

Once again, Elliot said the wrong thing. If this was all he could come up with, I was livid. Every thing he did that I had to work to let go of, to not make a big deal over, every hurt I had to swallow because I loved him, came rushing out.

“And how many promises have you broken to me? Fuck, Elliot! Not even promises. How many times have you bailed on me? Hacked me? Hurt me?

“No,” I scoffed, “You never meant to do it, but you fucking did do it. I have been so patient with you—”

“I’m not a child!” Elliot interrupted through clenched teeth.

“You’re pissed at me for something you told me to do!”

“I told you to withhold information about my dad’s death?”

“I needed time, Elliot. I needed to analyze the risk—”

“I’m not a piece of fucking data, Y/N! You can’t—” Elliot paused as he pushed off the counter and stepped toward the island. “You can’t analyze me. You can’t predict my next move or maybe that’s the problem? Maybe that’s what you’ve been doing all along? Manipulating me because you think you’re smarter than me.”

“That is not what I meant,” I said, my brows drawn and my mouth closing into a frown.

“You begged me to trust you and I knew—I fucking knew someone like you couldn’t be trusted!”

“Someone like me?” I shouted back, pushing away from the counter and marching around the island to stand in front of him. “Someone like ME? Surely you’re not going to throw Dad’s money in my face again. You’re starting to sound like a broken fucking record!

“You know what—no,” I said, shaking my head and turning away from him pacing to the balcony door before turning around and slowly walking back toward Elliot. “You don’t get to do this and get away with it this time. I can’t walk on eggshells while you get to be shitty to me whenever you have a bad time. Don’t you want to know why you’re like this? Don’t you want to know why you’re so paranoid, why you push away people who fucking love you? Don’t you want to know why you don’t trust anyone?”

I was a breath away from him as he began to withdrawal further and further into himself. And because I was watching his face, my eyes desperately pleading with him to see reason, I saw the change—Elliot looked away, seemingly in exasperation, and his eyelids fluttered so subtly that if I had blinked at that very moment, I would have missed it.  

When he looked back at me, Elliot Alderson was gone; now, I was met with the steel gaze of the same person who had demanded I leave Elliot alone as he sat on the floor of my closet during the Fourth of July.

I took a step back, my mouth dropping open as fear rushed through my body, my eyes filling with tears as I realized I was afraid of him—afraid of Elliot.

“You should be afraid, little girl,” he chuckled darkly, his voice low, the intonation different. “Now get the fuck out of here and leave him alone.”

“You’re—you’re in my apartment,” I stammered, still clinging to anger despite my fear.

He looked around, remembering, and he fixed a glare at me, his eyes unwelcoming as his jaw clenched, the muscles twitching before he moved toward the front door.

As I watched him walk away, my anger and fear turned to desperation. Darlene’s words rang through my mind, ‘If he bails on you, tries to push you away, it’s not really him.’”

It’s not really him.

“Stop—Elli—whoever you are! Please. Don’t go,” I pleaded. “Stay. Talk to me. Help me understand.”

He paused, his head turning to slightly look over his shoulder before he moved toward the front door again. I raced to it and wedged myself between him and the door, placing my hand over the knob.

“Stay,” I begged. “Don’t leave like this. After everything—please don’t leave us like this. I want to help you, Elliot—if you’re in there, come back to me.”

His hands flew up and slammed into the door on either side of my head.

I jumped, flinching as he leaned into me, his lips beside my ear as he growled, “I fucking warned you!”

“During the Fourth. I remember,” I whispered.

He pulled back and looked at me with those icy eyes.

“That was the first time you pushed too hard, came too close. I can’t allow you to do that, sweetheart. Elliot’s had enough time with you. It ends now,” he said as he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away from the door.

I grabbed his arm and he shook me off, but I grabbed him again and pulled him back enough to allow me to wedge myself against the door again.

“I told you,” he yelled, his voice harsh and unrecognizable. “I can’t protect him if you keep forcing him to open up!”

I didn’t let my fear stop me as I pressed him.

“Protect him from what? Did someone hurt him? I read about what can cause—”

His hand flew against my mouth with enough force to knock my head against the door. He pressed hard and cut off my words.

Never did his eyes leave mine as Elliot’s would have, especially in a situation of such discomfort and intense emotion. Never once did he look away.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”

I held his gaze, refusing to waver. He pressed harder, the pressure on the back of my head becoming a painful throbbing.

“Can you shut the fuck up?” he asked, his brows nearly reaching his hairline.

I watch his face transition to a look of smug satisfaction as I manage to slightly nod.

He released his grip, and I deflated, the fight leaving my body as I stepped away from the door. I leaned against the wall before slowly sinking to the floor.

I didn’t raise my eyes as I quietly asked, “Are you going to keep Elliot from seeing me again?”

He sighed, some of the fight leaving him, too.

“Elliot loves you—this wasn’t supposed to happen, Y/N.”

As he said my name, my head jerked up, the syllables so foreign on his tongue I knew, without a doubt, that whoever was standing in front of me was someone completely different than Elliot Alderson.

“You have to understand that it’s my job to keep him safe. Not yours, not Darlene’s. No one else’s. No one else can keep him safe.”

“What about a psychiatrist?”

“Don’t be fucking ridiculous. If they don’t fuck him up with 15 different kinds of meds, they’ll just throw him in an institution. Is that what you want? Elliot locked up like some kind of sick-o creep?”

“I would never let that happen.”

“Daddy’s money gonna buy Elliot a happy little place in the Adirondacks? Get him a nurse, someone nice to take care of him like his worthless mother never could?”

“Is that why you hate me? I have money? Or because I consider Elliot family?”

“My job is to protect him, and I’ve decided you’re not worth the risk, sweetheart.”

Without another glance, he opened the door and slammed it shut behind him.

I buried my head in my hands, the tears I had held back throughout the entire ordeal bursting out in a harsh sob. I crawled over to the door and locked it, pulling myself up by the knob in order to secure the deadbolt.

Not that it mattered since Elliot had a key.

Not that it mattered since Elliot was being held prisoner inside of his own body.

And no one, except himself, held that key.

* * * * *

Elliot didn’t come to work on the next day.

And then he didn’t come for another three days.

When I read the email from Ali questioning Elliot’s whereabouts, I wasn’t surprised. I called him up to my office and had the secretary shut the door after she let him in.

Ali had the good manners to look concerned, but I could detect the haughtiness underneath.

“I’ve noticed that Alderson’s been out for the past few days. Can you provide some insight? He was the lead on our new WiFi scripts, as I’m sure you remember.”

The lie came much easier than any other lie in my life had.

“He’s had a death in the family, Ali. I suggest postponing the project until he returns. Ask JaLeah for someone who can handle white hat duties if your team needs another hacker.”

Some of the haughtiness fell from Ali’s face.

“Oh. Well, my condolences to him when you see him.”

“Thank you. Will there be anything else?”

“Nope—you’ve always got the answers, boss.”

“Don’t call me that,” I said as I rolled my eyes and offered him a crooked smile in an attempt to subvert his attention from the abnormality of Elliot’s absences.

Ali grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

The partial smile fell from my face the instant the door shut behind Ali, and I felt sick as my mind worked over my lie. I didn’t live my life in the shadows. I lived with integrity.

And I had just told a boldfaced lie, one that would surely make its way around the office, and if Elliot never came back to work, everyone would know I lied for my boyfriend.

What a fucking mess.

I had to see him; I had to try to talk to my Elliot, the one I was in love with, and not this other who seemed to want nothing more than for me to fuck off for good.

I made a promise to Darlene not to let Elliot bail, and clearly, the Aldersons took promises made to them seriously.  

[argotmagazine-blog]

Dear Worrier Princess: On Polyamory Pickles and College Coming Out Conundrums

Queery #1: Last summer I (32, queer) met someone (26, baby dyke) at the farmers market near my house, she lives in a town 2 hours away near the farm she works at. We started hanging out as friends and realized we had giant crushes on each other. We saw each other on & off through the winter. Now it’s April, & we really like each other, and have had fun sex a couple of times. The thing is: she says she doesn’t want a relationship—she’s busy farming, working 60+ hrs/wk and can’t commit to being in touch or making time to visit me. She also says she’s still processing her last relationship (5 yrs! her first queer relash!) so she needs to figure some stuff out. I totally get it. However, her actions are different from her words: she stays in touch a BUNCH and when we are together, she says a lotta stuff that feels VERY girlfriendy to me.

We both have established that we love hanging out, we feel fun and comfortable, we care a lot about each other, and we learn a lot from each other. I feel a lotta love between us although we haven’t said ILY but rn it doesn’t feel like we need that. For me, I really like her, I love hanging out w her. At the same time, I DO want to be in a relationship, but I don’t think a monogamous long-distance relationship would work for me. If I’m going to date someone I have needs! and want to have a lot of sex!! And only seeing someone like every other week *at most* doesn't feel enough, and if we’re monogamous, maybe there’d be a lot of pressure on those times to have a good time.

She is not comfortable with polyamory, specifically with me having sex with other people in the same time period as with her.  My question is about ethics, tact, care, and timing:: Should I break up with her now, knowing that inevitably I will be boning some local person? There is no one else in the picture right now but I would like to be dating people; I also really don’t want her to feel like a “placeholder,” you know? That would feel like a shitty dynamic.  Or, should we continue to “love each other while we can”? We’ve tried being just friends before and it was sad, there’s like this string that keeps wrapping each other together. Should I keep hanging out with her until it gets to a point where I am seeing another local person and want to bone them too? I’m feeling stuck between a rock & a hard spot, & it feels like an ethical decision which i don’t have the answer for. I want to be responsible and not be a douchebag.

I did not expect to see the words “she lives in a town 2 hours away” followed by “long-distance relationship.” As a lesbian from the Midwest, I have driven two hours for really good beef jerky and that is NOT a double-entendre. Two hours is not long-distance in my book, but I digress. We’re talking about you, not me and my horndog travels.

You’re in a pickle—an organic, free-range pickle from the farmers market, but still a pickle. You want an open relationship. Your farm boo does not. You want to spend more time together, but she’s overwhelmed by a semi-recent heartbreak and intense farming schedule. Neither of you are willing to compromise. This is a situation I see all the time here at Dear Worrier Princess: two people recognize that fundamental aspects of relationship aren’t working, but they stay together because the relationship is familiar and has redeeming qualities like good sex, rapport, or mutual love and care.

To be honest, it sounds like your farm boo is someone who wants what she wants when she wants it. The following sentences set off some alarms for me: “she can’t commit to being in touch or making time to visit me” followed by “she stays in touch a BUNCH and when we are together, she says a lotta stuff that feels VERY girlfriendy.” This is a boundaries issue and it’s 100% something you should discuss with her. Say something like, “It’s confusing for me when you say our relationship is one way, but then you text me frequently and say things like [EXAMPLE 1] and [EXAMPLE 2].” Similarly, you keep deciding to be friends and sliding back into romance-territory. This doesn’t mean you’re fated to be together, it means you need better boundaries and a solid chunk of time without any contact. I’m also wondering, during these stretches when you’re supposed to be friends, who escalates things? Who sends the first sext? Might be something to think about.

Is it wrong to date someone you don’t want to be with forever? No. I think most relationships fall into this camp. As long as you’re mindful not create a placeholder dynamic (which I interpret to mean becoming a dismissive or callous partner), it’s fine to see an end on the horizon. However, it’s never as simple as, “we’ll just date until things naturally end.” Even in the best of circumstances, breakups are hard. What if you meet someone available and local, but you’re still raw from the breakup? What if you struggle to establish post-breakup boundaries with your farm boo and this causes tension in your new relationship?

My advice is to set a course towards friendship, though I also understand how difficult it can be to end a relationship without the solid impetus of a fight or someone new. Ask yourself: if I end this relationship now, will I regret not spending more time together? If I keep seeing her, will my feelings become stronger and make it more difficult to separate? Is the agony is worth the ecstasy? Only you can decide.

Queery #2: Last semester (my first semester of college) I was pretty into this girl I thought was straight or at least very closeted. Almost immediately after returning to school after winter break we both got very drunk and ended up hooking up that night. Since then we've continued to see each other and the relationship seems to be getting more and more serious; however, only as long as we are in very private spaces. The only people who know about it are my friends and her friends all seem to believe that I am tragically in love with her, a straight girl. I have never been in any sort of serious relationship, I only first hooked up with a girl last semester but I've been out and open about my sexuality with those close to me for the past three years. I've tried to initiate conversations with her about this, which is hard as she freezes up with any sort of difficult topic that requires talking about ones emotions. We've gotten a little better at these conversations lately and it seems like she also wants a more serious relationship and wants to be able to be more public about it. In the past few weeks she has told one of the people she is living with as well as a close friend but it still seems like we're stuck in this strange place. I don't want to pressure her to do anything she feels very uncomfortable doing and I also recognize that feeling like I am, in a way, going back into the closet to be there with her is unhealthy for me. How do I keep my frustration for our current situation from clouding the good parts, if that's possible? Lately this is about all I think about or want to talk about and I find myself often getting stuck on these negative aspects. How can I best support her without damaging my own wellbeing?

While reading this queery, I realized that my first semester of college was TEN YEARS AGO. My mom drove me to Staples to buy an ethernet cable because my my dorm didn’t have wifi—that’s how we lived in 2009. I can confirm, in extreme retrospect, that your first year of college is overwhelming. It’s no small thing to leave home for the first time, make new friends, and balance coursework/relationships/a job. And then, on top of all that, your girlfriend is smacked with her own queerness and everything it entails. It’s a lot!

It doesn’t help that “coming out" is one of those those terms like “hooking up” or “middle class”—we pretend it’s this definite thing, when it actually means something different to everyone. As a femme lesbian, I come out to new people when it feels safe and pertinent. My butch friends, on the other hand, rarely get to come out on their own terms. Some people take years to come out, others make a snap decision and tell the world via Facebook. I have friends who are openly gay in the United States, but are closeted to their parents and extended families in their countries-of-origin. Sometimes I get DMs from women who say Instagram is their only queer outlet because marriage and other life circumstances make coming out impossible. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I meet a lot of young people who grew up in affirming homes and were exposed to queer adults and culture at an early age. All this to say that I totally agree with you: you can’t pressure your girlfriend to come out before she’s ready. I applaud you for recognizing that her life and decisions are hers and hers alone.

None of this changes the fact that your relationship makes you feel Bad. When you’ve escaped the deep closet, dating someone who’s struggling with self-acceptance can dredge up all sorts of insecurities and painful memories. It feels shitty to be someone’s secret; it implies that your sexuality is shameful and wrong. Like, have you ever had a friend who body-shamed themselves constantly and said stuff like “I’m so fat and disgusting”? Even though their comments aren’t directed at you, you come away feeling self-conscious and weird. Shame is contagious like that.

All relationships require compromise, but how do you know when you’re compromising too much? What do you owe yourself and what do you owe your partner? I ask myself these questions all the time. Kind of recently, I dated someone who habitually snapped at me. Like one time, we were walking dogs in a snowstorm and I joked that I could kick snow over the poop and it would be the perfect crime. They were full-on like, “THAT WILL CONTAMINATE OUR WATER SUPPLY.” It stung. Despite all this, I liked them a lot. I was in extreme cuffing mode and really, really wanted to be in a relationship. We talked it over and I left the conversation feeling hopeful. They acknowledged their outbursts and apologized, but the snapping kept happening to varying degrees. I could still feel the worst part of our relationship wearing me down. I kept second-guessing myself: “am I annoying? Am I difficult to spend time with? Is everything I say stupid and destructive to Wisconsin waterways?”

I turned to a friend for advice. L, who recently ended a complicated and bittersweet relationship, had the perfect response. I’m going to leave you with the text she sent me: “It’s your choice to stay in an imperfect relationship. Just make sure you’re staying because y’all are communicating openly and making the necessary changes. Stay cause you have a plan and solid reasons to believe things will get better, NOT cause you’re afraid of hurting her or afraid of being alone.”

dear worrier princess answers your qs about love and strife in relationships in this complex and modern queer world.

shoot an email to worrierprincess@argotmagazine.com or fill out the form below.

Maddy Court is an artist and writer based in Madison, WI. Keep up with her on Twitter @worrierprincess, or on instagram @xenaworrierprincess.

 All illustrations for this column are done by Sid Champagne. Sid is a freelance illustrator based in Baltimore by way of the Gulf Coast. You can find them on Twitter @sid_champagne, or Instagram (more cat pics) @sidchampagne

[for-the-love-of-life-lads]

Progress Report

No weight today.

I did pretty good, similar diet to yesterday. I drank less coffee and similar or less amounts of water than yesterday. My lunch was definitely less calories than yesterday just purely based on the fact that shrimp is less calories and more protein. 

I got my abs workout done as well, I think I might need to start increasing reps just because it seems to be getting easier than it was previously. However, I am seeing results when I look in the mirror which is encouraging. I went to get in a shower and started to see some definition in my tummy! That was a nice feeling.

(trigger warning suicide mentioning and explaining, just don’t read this please)

Feeling pretty low today. I just... I don’t even know. I guess I just wish I was dead a lot of the time. I feel like I’m always in trouble, I get in trouble even when I am trying to do the right thing. For example, I had missed a seminar for intro to college living that I needed to go to, and it was because I had to teach our class. So, I had gotten done with my calculus homework early and had decided that I should take a look at that seminar which was recorded and take some notes so that I would know what I need to do once some deadlines came up. My dad then asked what I was doing, and I explained what I was watching. He started yelling at me about how I needed to choose these specific dorms over the other, and kept asking which dorms had the least amount of freshmen. I told him that I wasn’t sure, that this seminar hadn’t said how the college students were split up, but that it was telling me some good information about the dorms in general. He then immediately started screaming about how I was dismissing him, and that I was ungrateful to him for his advice and that he had gotten me into this college in the first place. I hadn’t disagreed with him at all in the first place, I had actually been trying to take notes to see if they would tell me how many first years there would be in each dorm.  Second, I can’t believe he was taking credit for my acceptance to college (this is an ivy league school). I had maintained a 4.0 my ENTIRE high school career (without tutoring or help) was in all honors  classes my entire life, took algebra and geometry my freshmen year so that I could take AP calculus my senior year, filled out the applications and questions for over 20 different colleges, nailed the alumni interview with only my own notes, and maintained an excellent status in my sport for the past 8, soon to be 9, years. My dad hasn’t even SEEN an ivy league school, much less attended or had the right stuff to get there. He wasted his entire first thirty years of his life, and he is mad at me because I couldn’t immediately give him the exact statistics of the number of freshmen living in the dorms? And to top it all off, he then spent the rest of the day freezing me out and telling me what a disappointment I was to him, along with fighting with my mom to the point where it almost became physical because she couldn’t give him the statistics either (she had been watching over my shoulder. Why? Not clue.). So yeah, my entire day was ruined because apparently I am an ungrateful idiot that couldn’t make it into the Ivy League by herself. At leas according to my dad.

Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. No more setting alarms, no more 3-a day workouts, no more getting yelled at or being a disappointment, no more taking diacritics everyday to try and maintain weight loss. No more being alone, no more taking care of everyone else. Just rest. Just getting to be someone who could have been great. When people would hear about my death they would be like, “Oh Kate? That’s so sad. She was so talented. One of the best in her sports, she was going to an Ivy league school you know. Yeah, she was pretty smart. Real respectful kid too. Addressed everyone as ma’am and Sir, even when they were her age. What a shame.” I could just leave them to wonder what I could have been, leave them with hope. You know, there’s no way to be a failure if you’re not here. I’ve even thought about how I would do it. I’ve slowly been collecting my mom and dad’s sleeping pills for the last two or three years. I also have been collecting Tylenol. I know that taking too many sleeping pills can’t  necessarily kill you unless you had an ungodly amount. However, if you do have enough Tylenol you can go into kidney or liver failure, can’t remember off the top of my head. Then I would lay down on my back, that way if the Tylenol and the sleeping pills don’t work then I’ll choke on my own vomit from my body trying to force everything out. Hopefully, I’ll be too sedated to turn over to spit it out. I’ve also thought about silting my wrists and then downing all those sleeping pills so that I would be too heavily sedated to do anything about the blood loss. I could do it too, I close my bedroom door at night and I take super long showers so no one would notice for a while. I just don’t have anyone but my sister to hold on for you know? I literally don’t have any friends (we did online school from home and train by ourselves, and we aren’t allowed to leave the house and we don’t have any clubs or anything) I’ve never even had the chance to have a meaningful relationship that I care about. With everyone, I’ve always had to put on a front to uphold the reputation of our family (my dad gets self-conscious of what others think about us).

I do have one place in my head where I feel happy. I have different daydreams that I go to when my family is watching TV or when I go to sleep. The settings vary, but they all involve a guy named Nate, and we’re together. Mind you, Nate is not a real person or even based off a real person (more a culmination of all the crushes I had formed when I read books like PJO, HOO, and One of Us is Lying) . In the daydreams, Nate is kinda rebellious and just super confident. Something I could never be. He kinda breaks through my tough exterior just like I have in real life, and just becomes my friend at first. He actually wants to talk to me and cares about my opinion, he teases me in a playful way that most boys would be scared to tease me in, but doesn’t take it too far because he wouldn’t want to hurt me. I don’t originally want to tell him everything in my life or my head because I want to be a happy place for him, I don’t want him to worry about me because he’s always seemed to just care about me and has been one of the only people that has made me feel like I’m worth anything in this world. But eventually, he notice how I avoid topics in conversation, and that I won’t ever let myself cry in front of him, or anyone else for that matter, and how I model myself and idealize emotionless characters like Logan from Sanders Sides, Spock from Star Trek, and any robot that comes on the screen. On day or night I finally just breakdown, I can’t keep myself together so I try and get away and ask him just to leave me alone so that I can cry. But he doesn’t let me go, he just wraps his jacket around my shoulders and hugs me close to his body. He tells me that I don’t have to be alone anymore, that he just wants to be there for me. He doesn’t want me to hurt by myself anymore. That I don’t have to hide in locked bathrooms anymore.

I can’t help it, its the only time I’ve ever felt safe with anyone and its not even real. But I can almost feel the warmth of his hugs and him rubbing little circles on my back. Its almost painful to type (crying currently) because I am so scared all the time. I’m scared for my sister, my mom, about money, about grades, about being alone all my life, about never getting to actually be an independent person, scared of men, scared of commitment, scared of trusting (since I’ve seen how well that’s worked out for my mom and just living with a man for the last 18 years), I’m scared that I won’t ever be enough for anyone, I won’t ever be beautiful, or smart, or strong. I am so scared all the time, so just that feeling of safety he gives me is so sad because it’s not even real. and to be honest, I don’t know if it ever will be. I wish I could just die in my sleep because my last fleeting thoughts could be of Nate just holding me, telling me that I was safe. We could dance, we could be snuggling on the couch on a rainy day, or just laying in bed one Saturday morning laughing together. At least if I died,  my final feelings would be of safety and happiness that I’ve never had in my real life.

I’m not going to do it tonight, I have to get ready for my Calculus text tomorrow. I’m going to go for just an 8 hr sleep, maybe Nate and I could cuddle up with a movie. He can chose, I don’t really want to watch. I just want to lay against his chest for a while, forget about the stress and fear for a while.

Have a great night everyone.

[patriciahaefeli]

#MeToo

     While on line at my local barista the other day, I overheard a conversation between a man and a woman, the theme of which was the recent barrage of sexual harassment accusations being leveled at men in positions of power, prestige and wealth, especially those whose victims were women. 

      “Is it really possible that all of these women were sexually harassed?” the man wondered aloud, “And if it’s true, what the hell took them so long? Why now? They’re calling it the Weinstein effect.’” 

      The woman’s head shook disgustedly at the mention of the name and she sucked her teeth before muttering, “Gross.” 

      “How about you?” He elbowed her playfully. “Have you ever been sexually harassed?” She looked down at her boots for a moment, and when she raised her face to him there was a sardonic smile on her lips. “Oh yeah,” she said kind of sadly. “Yeah, I have.” 

      By the time I’d collected my skinny vanilla latte, I had decided to break a pact I’d made with a co-worker and friend nearly thirty years ago. 

      I was twenty-seven and had been a recruiter in the HR department of a large financial services corporation for about a year when I first met him. He was in his mid-forties I think, and in the process of taking an existing department and forming a separate subsidiary, under the umbrella of the huge parent company. I went to his office to talk with him about his future hiring needs, which he assured me would be massive. He also said we would be working closely to accomplish his goals. It seemed like an exciting diversion from the hiring I’d been doing, and although there were more seasoned recruiters at his disposal, he seemed to want me. He had such confidence in me, it was flattering. 

      After that first meeting, we had several more, although he always scheduled them around lunchtime, and then when I showed up, he’d casually mention that he was starving and we’d talk over lunch at a nearby restaurant. Most confusing of all, he seemed to be doing most of the recruiting and hiring himself. 

      And then, he recruited me. He had a way of speaking that reminded me of old gangster movies. Over lunch at his favorite downtown restaurant, he had a habit of turning away from me when he spoke, and he seemed to be always surveying the room. He’d order for me too, which made me vaguely uncomfortable, like we were on a date or something. But there was nothing you could put your finger on. Nothing that wouldn’t sound crazy to someone who wasn’t there. I shook it off. When he asked me if I wanted to be his assistant, with the promise of bigger and better things down the road, I told myself that he thought I was bright and capable, and I wanted to live up to that impression. I said yes. 

      During the first few weeks I worked for him, I’d often walk into the office and hear him blasting the same Fine Young Cannibals song, “She Drives Me Crazy,” but he’d shut it off as soon as I walked in. Once, I told him, “I like that song, why do you shut it off?” And I thought I saw his cheeks color. Once again, I shrugged it off. Not only could I not fathom a romantic feeling toward him, the very idea that it could have something to do with me seemed the height of conceit. He was a grown man for crying out loud! Married. He wasn’t a teenager with a crush. Get over yourself, Tricia. 

      One afternoon, he sent me to the office of the CEO of the parent company to pick up U.S. Open tickets. The office was at the top of the World Financial Center,and while I was there, I met a beautiful woman who he would also recruit, and she would become a dear friend. When I got back to our offices, he gave the tickets to me. I was thrilled. When he heard me gushing over them on the phone with my then-boyfriend, he stormed out of the office, slamming the door so hard that that heads shot up in the surrounding cubicles and offices. Shocked glances were exchanged. What the heck? 

      About six months after I started, we moved the entire operation to a new facility. As promised, my job title changed and I no longer worked directly for him. What didn’t change were the lunches. The “invitation” was always extended under the pretense of wanting to pick my brain about something. Again, it was flattering. On the other hand, the more this new business was defined, the more I realized I really didn’t understand most of it. I knew I was bringing nothing to the table so to speak, and I began to notice that once we were away from the office, the conversation would turn to other topics anyway. 

     Once, he was telling me about a married friend who was having an affair. My response was simple, “I don’t understand that,” I said, shaking my head. “If you want out, get a divorce.” He was visibly agitated after that, and he dismissed my remarks with something like, “How would you know anyway? You’ve never been married.” It was true, but the way he said it stung like a slap. He cut that lunch short and we drove back to the office in silence. 

      Not long after that lunch, another invitation came. This time, I told him that my department was very busy, and that my (immediate) boss would not be happy if I went out for lunch with his boss. His voice deepened into a lascivious drawl, “Well, then you better not tell him.” I was speechless. In that moment, everything I’d been refusing to acknowledge crystalized. There was dead air on the line for what seemed like eternity. When he spoke next, his voice was filled with disgust, “Christ. Forget it.” 

      Aside from him, the senior management of that subsidiary consisted of three men at that point. One of them was openly hostile toward me, although I couldn’t imagine why, I’d barely had any interactions with him. The other, depending on who else he was with, could be overly solicitous, or rudely dismissive. As I was several layers of management beneath all of them, only the third seemed to have a reasonable response to me, which is to say that he seemed to barely know my name. 

     I remember that I was in a good mood the morning the envelope came. I had just gotten to work, and was humming softly as I picked up the interoffice envelope on my desk and began to unwind the twine closure. Tilting it to let its contents drop to the desk, I froze. There, on my desk was a Fredericks of Hollywood catalogue with a yellow sticky note on it. In his distinct handwriting, the note said, “Choose something you would wear in public, and something you would wear in private.” 

      I was horrified. My heart was pounding and I realized that I had physically backed away from my desk. My head spinning, I tore the note off the magazine and tore it into a million pieces. I spun around wildly. When had he been here? Was he here now? Had anyone else seen? And then, Oh my God. What am I going to do now? 

      What I did was ignore his calls for days. It was a large facility, and I kept as far away from his office as possible. The more I stayed away, the more often he called. I started to avoid being at my own desk as well. I just stayed on the move. I told no one for about a week. The woman I’d met while getting the U.S. Open tickets was another of his recruits. She’d known him longer than I had and had become for me a trusted friend. I went to her office and as soon as I began she jumped up and closed the door. We talked for over an hour and during that time she told me that she was glad I’d come to her, because she had reason to believe that he’d led other senior managers to think that there was something going on between us. There was, in fact, some resentment brewing among those who’d heard and assumed I’d received preferential treatment as a result. Good God, I thought, I wouldn’t exactly call the treatment I’d gotten preferential. 

      She said didn’t believe it herself, but hadn’t known how or when to tell me. Then she told me about the time he’d done something similar to her. 

      I wasn’t sure if I felt better or worse when I left, but of all the things we talked about that day, not once did we discuss confronting him, or telling anyone else about the things he said and way he behaved. On the contrary, that’s the day we made the pact, and it was to “take this to our graves.” 

      I couldn’t avoid his calls forever, so the next day, when I saw his name come up on the display I picked up. I said hello and what he said next was more a statement than a question. 

     “You’re really pissed at me aren’t you.” 

      Under different circumstances that sentence would have been comical. He was the CEO for crying out loud not my boyfriend! I should have said, Yes, I am. I should have said, How dare you? Or even, What in the world did I do to give you the impression that I was in any way open to that? What I said was, “If anyone other than me had opened that envelope, I’d never be able to defend myself.” 

      I got lucky. He was fired by The Firm at-large within weeks of that event. Still, when it happened, I actually felt bad for him. News had travelled fast throughout the building, and when he called me into his office that last time, I went willingly. Truth be told, I felt I owed him that one final dignity; to come when called. If I thought he might apologize before he left for insulting me, or taking advantage of the twenty-something me, or even the trouble he’d caused me within the company, I’d have been wrong on all counts. What he did, was give me some advice for the coming weeks: “Keep a low profile.” 

      He suggested, during that conversation, that without him, my job security was now tenuous as well. He implied that I really didn’t add any value to the firm, and he practically flat out said that the only reason I had a job was because of him. I sat there silently, and took it. When I got up to leave, I thanked him, and wished him well. What I felt, however, was a combination of rage and relief. Regardless of what happened to me there, I knew I’d never have to see him again. 

      I didn’t lose my job. In fact, in subsequent months my role within the company became more defined, and over time, a clearer career path emerged. His replacement, a true, class-act of a guy, brought with him an atmosphere of friendly professionalism that truly changed everything. I remember the years that followed and the people who worked there with great fondness. 

     The point is that now, when I hear people wonder aloud if it’s possible that all of those women endured sexual harassment and kept silent for years I can say with confidence that yes, it is not only possible, it is probable. In my own case I was afraid for many reasons. Not the least of which was the very thing he’d hinted at during our last meeting. For a period of time, anyway, he’d successfully convinced me that whatever talent or potential he’d “seen” in me, it was a vision that few others shared. 

      I didn’t know who I’d complain to either, in that particular part of the firm, the buck stopped with him. He was the CEO, the top guy, the head honcho. I was afraid he’d deny it – and what, exactly, had he done other than make me uncomfortable? He’d never touched me or exposed himself to me or anything that overt. I was afraid of being labelled troublesome. I was afraid that I was far more disposable than he was in a business that was, effectively, one of the last great bastions of the ole boy’s network. 

      As a sometime “tiger mom” and stepmom to five strong, hard-working and ambitious daughters, I’m comforted that this type of thing is being excavated across multiple fields. Yes, women are “coming out” now like never before, and the single most important reason for that is that they can. Now, there’s a much better chance that they’ll be heard, and the right people will suffer the consequences. I pray that if, and when any of them experience something like this, they will recognize it immediately, and tolerate none of it. Most of all, I hope they never blame themselves.

   For a very long time, I wanted to believe that what was right in front of me was not, in fact, what I thought it was. I was naïve. I was embarrassed. I was young. He was none of those things, and had he not been my boss, I don’t believe for a second that he would have behaved the way he did with me. He wasn’t the first to abuse his position and power, and he won’t be the last. But it’s really that simple,-and that complicated.

[roundeddown]

I hope it’s okay for me to add my two cents. I’ve worked in the industry for almost a decade and am primarily focused on lighting for corporate events now. I frequently ME for my coworkers or L1 for the company. I used to be the production manager and ATD for the largest resident theater company in the US, and so I hope you trust the next sentence I write. If there is something unsafe that you notice whether in action or as a potential problem, you should always speak up. Even if you’re new, even if you think someone else spoke up about it, and especially if the people above you in your company seem dismissive. I’ve prevented arena sized rigs from going out because I got worried about one thing or the other. I’ve stopped rehearsals for hours to fix a problem instead of powering through and trusting that it will be alright. I’ve cut local crew members or sent actors home because of their unsafe practices. I’ve been assured that things will be fine, that “this is how we’ve always done it”, I’ve been threatened with being fired and that I’d “never work in this town again.” I still went through every appropriate measure to try and keep things safe.

That being said, I understand that you’re worried about your burgeoning career. It sounds like you’re getting nowhere through every appropriate measure you have available to you through your company so I 100% agree that it’s probably not the place for you and you should leave. However, through that process you definitely need to take receipts. All of your emails from now to when you leave should be copied to your direct supervisor and perhaps an HR representative. If you need to prep those people tell them that you feel like the issues you bring up aren’t being heard. This isn’t a guarantee that things will change but your emails will never be used as a “he said/she said” example. Further, every email you send and response you get regarding safety needs screenshots taken. When you leave and if your company starts to smear your reputation you will always have those to fall back on at job interviews (at which you should always ask interviewers “are there any concerns with my work history or my application we can talk about in person?” which gives you a little more control of the narrative).

Additionally, overwork is a common practice in our industry especially for the young. I work with many very talented freelancers and other professionals and while we’re all close friends and socialize outside of work, they do what they’re paid to do and no more. I outline ahead of time the timeline of their work day, when breaks will be, and the type of work I expect them to do. Yes I may be on site with an L2 who is an excellent rigger. If I ask them to get in a lift and help the rigging team I will be charged their L2 rate for a full day and their rigging rate additionally. If your company outlined your duties on paper you can always fall back on that as violation of your contract. If you’re working extra hours for no additional pay that is wrong. Companies love to just ask more and more to see what they can get away with. If it benefits the company and not you individually, it is wrong. I will also add one bit of wisdom that I have learned, HR is not there to help you. They certainly can, but HR is there to help the company. I’ve had plenty of HR teams tell me when I’ve brought up issues the same things that PMs or TDs have told me of “oh it will be fine”. They’re looking out for the company, and even though I work in a better place now and I work with good people, that’s how I approach every interaction with my current HR team. I don’t know if that applies to you current situation but it’s kind of good advice in general.

I hope I was able to help and I’d love to answer any questions. Good luck and with your talents and drive I have so much confidence things will work out!

Hello, I hope I’m not bothering you by asking this. I am a recent college graduate in a ME internship I was supposed to have until May. I have had other internships before and never broken a contract, until now. I was extremely unhappy here. The internship I was promised is not at all what I received. I was told 30-40 hours a week but I work 60-80+ for no increase in pay. I end up doing much more lighting work. Instead I do a lot of base painting, coffee runs, general cleaning, run crew, (1/?)

and scenic work. Iwouldn’t mind the extra experience except that there is lighting work to bedone and they keep adding onto my work load then getting angry when theelectrics room isn’t spotless. I was going to ignore this all and push throughthe internship because I said that I would, but the theatre has some serioussafety problems that got way worse. The people operating the fly system arehorribly untrained. They’ve hit lighting instruments (broken them too), setpieces, upper level (2/?)

platforms (actors werestanding on top of these platforms and underneath. The actors on top werenarrowly missed), and nothing has been done to fix this. Last year, severalpeople got concussions as a result of the fly system. A few days ago, anotherintern here got a concussion from a set piece being flown into the wrong spot.During a performance a few days ago, an actor fell through the stage because apit lift wasn’t secured properly. The stage manager had to fill out an incidentreport (3/?)

foran actor who cut himself on a screw sticking out of a wagon that I had reportedand had been told it wasn’t a big deal and I needed to stop bothering the TD. Numerouspeople are very upset with me and telling me I need to “grow up” and “shithappens” and I’ll never be able to work in the professional theatre world if Iquit because of safety concerns that aren’t real. Did I make the wrong choice?I hate it here but now I’m scared I’m messing my life up by leaving. Thanks forreading!! (4/4)

 –

Hello,dear anon –

This is anything but a bother! However, I will let you knowthat your situation is not one I am familiar with, having not yet been in that specificsituation, so please take my cent and a half with a healthy tablespoon of salt.

One of my technical focuses is in stage management, whichmeans many of my opinions at work are about whether things are safe. The instancesyou’re bringing up are all extremely concerning, and I don’t believe that theyshould have been brushed aside. I’ve spoken about this before, but often asafety concern that seems insignificant in fact isn’t, simply because theperson who brought it up is working with a different portion of knowledge abouta show. 

Keep reading

[vishers]

I struggle with anxiety. My wife does too. My oldest daughter definitely does. I think a lot of people do to one extent or another.

I struggle with it deeply enough that it affects my ability to function at work in a non-trivial way. Thankfully it hasn't affected it so much as to become a constant source of issues between them and I but it's definitely been noticed and brought before either personally or in official reviews. It also affects me at home but, so far at least, no one's mentioned thinking about firing me there either.

I came across this article about how to combat anxiety in your life via the excellent DevOps'ish newsletter by Chris Short and was immediately intrigued, in part because I saw so much of myself in the descriptions of Zulfi but also because I thought it might provide some useful tools to my wife and I (and hopefully our children).

That was back in January. The past few days have been particularly bad for me and I was combing through my to-do list and came across the quotes I had pulled from the article and figured I'd give it a try.

The article essentially recommends the following practices:

Be mindful of the physical symptoms of anxiety and when you notice them intentionally shift your mind away from whatever it is currently focused on to something neutral like a KenKen Puzzle or Battleship Solitaire.

Once you're noticing the symptoms of anxiety you can begin to understand the thinking that was leading to it. Once you're recognizing the thinking you can begin to notice patterns. And once you've noticed the same pattern enough times you can give it a name. Naming it gives you power to dismiss it and treat it for what it is.

Create a 2-column table of your fears on one side and then facts that refute those fears on the other. If you have recurring fears print it out and keep it close at hand to review.

Use storytelling to give yourself positive alternatives. Rather than believing the first story that you told yourself when your anxiety was kicking in, lean in to your creativity and create 2 more stories that lead from where you are to positive outcomes.

Job could not comfort himself. Take the time to imagine someone else coming to you in exactly the same situation. What advice would you give them? Now follow it.

Yesterday, I took an hour and applied 2, 3, 4 and 5. I noticed that I was feeling incredibly anxious and depressed and I asked myself what I would suggest to my wife if she came to me saying she felt that way. My answer is usually something along the lines of "Why don't you go take some time for yourself to see if being alone or out in nature can clear your head a bit and let you see what this really is?" So I asked her for some time to myself and she graciously agreed to give it to me (a bigger deal than it might sounds given our 6 little ones).

In my alone time I wrote down a table with my fears about my situation on one side and the best facts I could come up with on the right. I wrote up the story that I was currently believing and then 2 additional ones as different as I could make them that would excite me if they actually came to pass. Finally, I reviewed the list of Thinking Traps at Anxiety Canada and tried to name some of the traps I was falling into. I was definitely catastrophizing, black and white thinking, overestimating, fortune telling, mind reading, and overgeneralizing.

At the end of that hour I had something I could send to my wife and my manager at work to discuss and, quite honestly, I did feel a lot better.

Anxiety's tough. Life is tough. I hope we can all be continue to be kind to one another and keep making helpful suggestions like the article makes. And if we can do that, maybe we'll all get through this in the end.

This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavorable world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past that have skinned over but that smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us, we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self.

—John Watson (Quote Investigator)

P.S. If you're interested in DevOps topics, I would highly recommend subscribing to DevOps'ish. There's almost always 5 or 6 articles in each issues that I'm thankful to have read and the weekly cadence is quite nice.

[mrwilliamcharley]

Job Candidate Disclosing Why They Quit a Job – Ask #HR Bartender

One of the most common questions asked during an interview is “Why did you leave your last job?”. Today’s reader wants to know the best way to answer that question. 

Hi, just found your blog. I wanted to get your advice on how to respond to prospective employers regarding the reason why I left my senior position. The real truth of the matter is that we got a new boss with whom I had some integrity issues – we did not seem to see things in the same light.

After 10 years on the job, I felt it was better for me to accept the package and move on. I also signed a separation agreement. How can I explain this without trashing my former employer?

I wish I could say that there’s always one absolutely right answer in this situation. Since there are different considerations, I reached out to two respected colleagues to get their thoughts. Hannah Morgan (aka Career Sherpa) is a well-known job search, career and social media strategist.  She’s the author of “The Infographic Resume” and a regular contributor at U.S. News & World Report. Recruiting Animal (and yes, that might be his real name) is the host of the wildly popular Recruiting Animal show (broadcast live every Wednesday at 12n Eastern). He’s also a professional recruiter.

When asked about the reason you’ve left a job, is it okay to mention unflattering things about a former employer? Why or why not?

[Morgan] Let’s first address the reason employers ask candidates why they left their previous jobs. Employers want to know if the candidate was forced to leave due to performance issues or was downsized due to no fault of their own. Asking this question helps employers weed out ‘potentially problem’ employees.

Since candidates are usually on their best behavior during an interview, it can be difficult to see problematic behaviors first-hand. During the interview, the employer listens for any signs that the candidate is unhireable. Employers are listening for a pattern of leaving jobs and blaming it on bad bosses or companies. If a candidate has had several jobs in a short period of time and blames bad managers, it’s likely that the problem isn’t the managers. The common denominator is the candidate and a sign of a problem employee or an employee who hasn’t learned how to evaluate future bosses.

That being said, it is never advisable to bad-mouth or mention unflattering things about a former boss, employee or company. In fact, it is unprofessional. Some might call it character assassination or slander to say negative things about other people. No matter how awful or unfairly you were treated, never divulge that information. It only makes you, the candidate, look bad.

[Animal] Recruiters hate it when a candidate bad-mouths an old boss. They say that it’s not professional. They want you to lie or obfuscate. I agree in part. You shouldn’t go into an interview and say ‘I wish that a**hole would die a painful death. He has it coming’ or ‘I wish I could be the one to pull the switch.’

While that might be how you feel, you can’t admit that you have a hate-on for anybody because you’re supposed to have control of your emotions. But you should be straightforward about policy differences if they were the reason for leaving.

People usually say they left for ‘philosophical differences’ but that could mean anything and it’s clearly just a dodge. If the differences you had with your old boss involve sensitive issues for your old company, you could say that you had policy differences and would prefer to discuss how you fit with the new job in the early stages of the hiring process. Leave a discussion about the details of your differences with your old employer until the new employer is serious about you as a candidate.

I remember the case of an accountant who was pressured to sign off on some creative bookkeeping by his famous, aggressive CEO and CFO. They all ended up going to jail. He should have left the company and had no fear of explaining exactly why he did so. There is no shame in it and you don’t want to work for a company that cannot appreciate that.

In this scenario, the employee talks about integrity issues with their boss. For a moment, let’s just say the boss is a jerk. It’s not really about something ethical. Is it okay to say during an interview that “the boss and I just don’t get along”? Why or why not?

[Morgan] If your boss was a jerk, that’s your opinion. And just because you didn’t get along with him or her doesn’t mean others can’t. If your boss was unethical, sexually harassed you, or did something else illegal, that’s up to HR and law enforcement to resolve. It doesn’t belong in the job interview. As unfair as it sounds, employers are more likely to side with the past employer/boss than the candidate who sounds disgruntled or unable to cope.

Rather than try and explain the ins and outs of your relationship with your jerky boss or complicated ethics violations, it’s better to gloss over that detail and stay focused on the bigger reason of why you left – more rewarding work, more relaxed work environment, better pay, more challenging career or whatever you were looking for when you decided to leave. Taking ownership of your career shows an optimistic, can-do attitude and that’s what employers want.

[Animal] Presumably, you left just because you didn’t like her personality? I don’t think that’s likely if she did everything else well. If someone has an unpleasant personality, it’s bound to be reflected in her management style and you could focus on that rather than her personality. This means that you could describe your differences as management issues rather than simply personality. If the old boss shouted at people or made inappropriate comments, you should say so. But you have to ask that the recruiter promises to keep your remarks very confidential.

You could also say that you were looking for a change of culture. When they ask what you mean, you could describe the personality, so to speak, of the kind of place you are looking for. Maybe you want to work with people who talk about the non-fiction books they are reading instead of sitcoms. Or maybe you want to work with people who are more upbeat in the mornings. You might not have to say that your boss is a low-brow drinker, who has endless family problems, and drags herself into the office looking like death warmed over every morning.

The reader didn’t ask, but let’s say the reason they left was because they were terminated. Should the candidate be 100 percent truthful about the matter (even if they don’t agree with the reason they were fired)?

[Morgan] There’s a big difference between being fired and laid off in the eyes of employers. It’s probably best not to use either term because of the negative connotation each has.

If you were laid off, use downsized, position eliminated or impacted by a reduction in force. In the reader’s question above, if there was a reduction in force and an opportunity to leave with a severance package, then the candidate can take the answer one step further and spin the situation into a positive to help ease the future employer’s mind. For example:

“After 10 years with the same company, I decided it was time for a change and took the separation package. This gave me time to reassess what I want to do next and look for my next great assignment.”

On the other hand, if an employee is fired because of something they did wrong, it’s referred to as being terminated for cause. It’s possible, during a background check, that this information can be verified. The prospective employer may ask if the ex-employee is eligible for rehire or the reason for termination. When an employee is laid off it usually means they are eligible for rehire. However, someone who was fired, would not be eligible for rehire. Since this information could be discovered, it is best to be truthful about being fired.

If a candidate was fired, they should simply state that he/she was let go or dismissed. Then the candidate can explain what they learned from being fired. This brief explanation helps the employer understand the situation and hopefully believes that it won’t happen again. For example, the response might sound like this:

“I was let go from my last job. I didn’t do my best work or make the best decisions then. But I now realize how important it is to my team and supervisor to be accountable and on time. This has taught me a valuable lesson and in my next job, I look forward to being an employee that others can rely on.”

[Animal] If you think that there are some things that reflect poorly on you that would not come out unless you, personally, reveal them then leave those things out because they would probably be insignificant details.

But if that’s not the case, then the candidate would have to acknowledge her errors and show quite clearly that she has learned her lesson. The candidate might need to be prepared to take a lesser job at a lower salary. Organizations might be willing to help individuals rebuild their reputations if they get a good deal. Example: I know a guy who was fired because he was too slow on the job. It was easy to believe because he spoke as slow as molasses in everyday conversation. He would have to admit that he realized he needed a job that did not require a lot of quick action.

One more thing…If you don’t agree with the reason you were fired, then you have to prepare a strong case and present it in a calm, reasonable manner. And it has to be a solid case. If you present a biased and distorted view of things by brushing aside your obvious errors, no one will consider you.

I want to extend a huge thanks to Recruiting Animal and Hannah Morgan for sharing their thoughts on this topic. These two professionals sit at different places in the hiring process and have different relationships with candidates. While their styles might be very different, their advice wasn’t.

Today’s post is one of those that I would bookmark for future reference. You know at some point, a friend, family member, or colleague is going to ask you this question.

Images captured by Sharlyn Lauby while exploring the world.

The post Job Candidate Disclosing Why They Quit a Job – Ask #HR Bartender appeared first on hr bartender.

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[computersystemsdesign]

Trite Business Lies

When someone brings up the topic of lies at work, most of the time people think of the big stuff, like embezzlement, falsifying data, or fudging fantasy football stats. But there's a whole other category of lying that happens all the time. Not only are these lies tolerated, but through some combination of repetition, vehemence, and mind control, employees of all stripes have come to believe them as true.

 Part of the reason for this is that the lies are small (and therefore insidious). They often pass themselves off as sage advice or commonly-understood truisms. At worst, they may appear to be clichés or business tropes. Many are hard to argue with unless you've thought it through.

 Nevertheless, they are lies, and especially in this era of #AlternateFacts, deserve to be exposed as such.

 So take a look below and see which of these phrases match up with your personal experience or reality. If you have stories, reactions, or your own additions, let us know about them in the comments below!

 “Perception is reality”

No, it’s not. I perceive myself to be an AMAZING dancer. But 48 years of evidence (as well as testimony from my wife and children. ESPECIALLY my children!) indicate otherwise.

 The truer statement is that perception is powerful, and can override facts. Knowing this is so does NOT mean we must kowtow to a requestor’s built-in perceptions or preconceived notions, but rather that we need to understand those perceptions and build compelling stories that bring the person to the actual truth.

 “The customer is always right”

The truth is that customers can be, and often are, wrong. This can be due to the fact that they’ve been misled, or un- (or under-) informed, or one of a hundred other reasons why they are asking for the wrong thing, looking for the wrong solution. And then there’s the rare (but not rare enough) case when they are simply bat-guano crazy and want something stupid.

 However, the customer IS always the customer. They are always the one who wants to buy, and we are always the one who wants to sell. Understanding this relationship doesn’t mean we have to sell our soul, ethics, or values to sell our product. Rather, it gives us the freedom to find the right customer for our product, and come to terms with the fact that not EVERYONE is a customer (or at least not a customer right now.)

 “Work smarter, not harder”

What am I supposed to think here? That I've been working stupider up until now? That I've willfully withheld a portion of my intellectual capacity? Or that I'm just phoning it in? Regardless of which inference you make, it's not a kind reflection on me, nor on what you think of my work product and work habits.

 If you think I stink, or that I'm slacking off, or that I've gotten into a behavioral rut, then please just say it. If you think I'm overlooking something obvious, then say THAT. And if you don't think EITHER of those things, don't say this to fill the dead air.

 “Think outside the box”

Like "work smarter, not harder," this one has the one-two punch of an insult AND the implication that I can’t solve a particular problem.

 I list this as a lie because there IS no box. I may have fallen into a rut or a set of sub-optimal habits. I might be hyperfocused on a particular outcome or trajectory; I could just be lazy and unwilling to put in the extra effort that thinking about something differently might require.

 Whatever the reason for my inability to find a novel solution is, it's not "a box." Calling it that doesn't get me any closer to changing my behavior OR solving the challenge.

 “Lean and Mean”

Back in 2004, Bob Lewis translated this as "emaciated and unpleasant" (http://ift.tt/2lYiL9N) and that has stuck with me. Lean is all well and good, as long as we mean "healthy" rather than "underfed.”

 But "mean" (unless you mean "average,”which you probably don't) is a trait I would not find advantageous in the workplace. When would it be considered organizationally good to be rude, dismissive, short-tempered, or (to use Lewis' term) unpleasant?

 Rather, we should strive for our teams and organizations to be healthy, focused, and determined. You can even throw in “hungry” if you want, as long as it’s not due to a lack of sustenance (i.e., resources).

 "I just need you to hold out until..."

In my experience, this is a statement that comes in three month cycles. Just keep working on-call for a little longer. Just keep putting in the extra hours. Just deal with this (last) fire drill.

 Just put up with this sub-optimal situation.

 After two years of ongoing struggle where the answer was routinely, "This is only going to be until the end of quarter,” I finally confronted a manager about how the situation hadn't gotten better. The situation may have changed, but the workload, sense of crisis, etc. had not improved. His response was surprisingly transparent, "Oh, I didn't mean it would get better. I just meant that it would change."

 A company, department, or team that has gotten into the habit of trying to wait out bad situations is one that has given up on solving problems. Just remember that.

 If you find yourself on the receiving end of this particular lie, one response is to ask for specifics. Such as:

“Then what,”  as in, what is the situation going to be at the end of the <time period>?

How are we going to get there between now and then?

What are your expectations of me during that period?

What will we do if we miss our target (date or end-state)?

 By using these questions, and then the logical follow-up responses along with copious documentation, you are asking management to commit to a set of goals and outcomes (this is a technique also known as “managing up”). It also gives you a fairly accurate barometer as to how hard you should be looking for a better situation.

 “This company is like family”

No, it isn't. Most companies are too large to have the group dynamics of a family. A company lacks the long-term history, shared genealogy, etc. that create lasting bonds.

 That's not to say that people working at a company can't feel a close friendship and camaraderie. But it's still not family.

 Those who make this type of comment are typically trying to instill in you a sense of loyalty to them right before they ask you to do something that goes against your personal interests.

 “Human Resources”

I know, I know, this is the name of a department. But the name of the group is a misnomer bordering on a trite falsehood. Almost all of the frustration I've ever had (or heard coworkers have) with HR stems from misunderstanding their core mission.

 In my experience, HR exists for two primary reasons:

To keep the company out of lawsuits arising from employee interactions

To shield upper management from the messier aspects of employees, including salary negotiations, grievances, etc.

 They are NOT there to help you grow as an employee. They are NOT there to provide a sounding board. They are NOT there to help create a positive work environment.

 They are NOT a department designed to help the employee in any way, unless "help" intersects with one of the two areas above. Use them in the same way you would use the legal department. Because that's pretty much what they are an extension of.

 “Treat Your Users Like Your Customers”

I have a few issues with this. First, when I run my own company I can choose which customers I want to deal with. I do that by deciding how and where I market, which jobs I accept, and which I'm too busy to take on right now, and by setting a price for each job that reflects the level of effort and aggravation I expect to have while doing the work.

 Equally, my customers can choose whether to hire me or the person down the street.

 Within a company, NONE of those things are true. I can't say no to the accounting department, and they can't find someone ELSE in the company to provide the same set of services.

 In addition, customers and vendors come and go. But Sarah in the mail room today will become Sarah the head of accounting tomorrow. So how I treat her today matters for the duration of our time at this company.

 “The squeaky wheel gets the grease”

I learned long ago that this is SOMETIMES true. But more often, the more accurate phrase is "The squeaky wheel gets REPLACED!"

 When, how, and to whom one squeaks is a lesson many of us learn by experience (meaning: doing it wrong) over time.

 So, anyone who blithely tells you this probably wants one of the following outcomes, none of which will be good for YOU:

They don't realize the truth of the situation either

They have the same complaint and know better than to open their mouths. but they are perfectly willing for you to lead the charge and take all the heat.

They want to watch you make a spectacle of yourself for their entertainment

 “The elevator pitch”

Brevity is wonderful when it pushes us to create simple elegance. But often it just causes us to stress more, talk faster, widen the margins, shrink the font, and try to jam more into less.

 Effective storytelling is partially about knowing when your forum and format fit the story you want to tell. Otherwise, you end up babbling like a fool and ruining your chances of making a case later on.

 Some issues, requests, and explanations are complicated and can't be reduced to a 30-second overview. If you run into someone who demands that all of your interactions, requests, etc. be put in that format, then they're not really listening anyway.

 “That's not part of our corporate culture/DNA”

There's a famous story about five gorillas (you can read it here).

 Phrases like, "that's now how we do things,” or "That's just how it's done here,” or "It's not part of our DNA,”  are all lies, and all fall under the heading of Not Invented Here (NIH). It is often code for, "I don't want to," or worse, "The thought of doing things that way scares me."

 As stated earlier, companies are not family. They also aren't organisms and thus don't have DNA. If they have a culture, it is because the people who make up the company actively choose to propagate a set of habits or a particular perspective when doing business. And culture or no culture, a good idea is a good idea. People want to do well, want to succeed, want to get ahead.

 How you respond to this lie depends largely on your stake in doing something differently, and your role in the company.

 “If you hire good people, they won't require supervision”

Stephen Covey famously said (http://ift.tt/2lYneJF),

"If you can hire people whose passion intersects with the job, they won't require any supervision at all. They will manage themselves better than anyone could ever manage them. Their fire comes from within, not from without. Their motivation is internal, not external."

 That's great. Let's see if they file their expense forms correctly and on time.

 People at all levels of the organizational chart require supervision. What they may not need is meddling middle managers.

 The best supervisors are part janitor, part secretary, and part cheerleader. They keep things clean (meaning they ensure an unobstructed path for their staff to pursue work); they attend higher level meetings and report back the information honestly and transparently so that staff can take the actions that support the business goals; and they publicly recognize successes so that their team feels validated in their work.

 Also, this is insulting in the same way that "work smarter" and "think outside the box" are. It's a form of managerial "negging" (http://ift.tt/1Ps1KO4). It implies that if you DO need supervision, you are obviously not passionate enough about your work and may be the wrong person for the job.

 “It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission”

Yes. And all planes are equipped to make a water landing. Well, at least once. Whether they can take off after that is just a minor detail, right?

 In an unhealthy environment, people do things on the sly and hope they don't get caught. If they DO get caught,  it seems many believe throwing themselves on the mercy of the court is as good a strategy as any.

 But in mature, professional, adult environments, asking for permission is always preferable and always easier for everyone.

 “Failure is not an option”

Nope, in some situations (often ones where this lie is uttered), it's practically a sure thing!

 There is no guaranteed success. There is no outcome that is 100% predictable. Some failures, once they are in motion, are unavoidable no matter how much planning was done beforehand, or how much staff are on hand during the failure to try to save it.

 Not only is this statement a lie, it's also not particularly helpful advice.

 “So what's the point?”

My point is certainly not that everything, or even most things, said at work are a lie. What I AM saying is that some of these trite and overused clichés have reached the end of their useful period.

 Or as Sam Goldwyn said, "Let's have some new clichés."

 Ain't that the truth.

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