#i am very sorry as always for my inability to be concise

[army-of-bee-assassins]

very rambly sorta laying things out and thinking through things below the cut. about my housing situation. i sorta want advice/opinions but also do not feel obligated to read through all this word vomit

quick background: since i graduated high school almost 10 years ago, i have not lived in any one place longer than 12 months. i hate moving but i keep doing it. and i moved into this place back in august and i want to move again in january (i signed a shorter lease). trying to reason through whether this decision is justified/worth it or not.

i found my current housing at the last minute before i moved states. i was scrambling and just had to take what i could find. it's the upstairs of a lady's house. it's like 300ish sqft with a bathroom. kitchen and laundry downstairs. she has a cat, and chai does not play nice, so the door to the downstairs remains closed and chai cannot leave. it's a bit more expensive than i would've liked but it does include all utilities so really when factoring that in it's somewhat reasonable i guess.

now honestly i didn't hate the lack of space as much as i thought i would. but it is pretty cramped. i had couches that i had to get rid of (they were old and junky but i liked them). i had to bring all my plants in for the cold and now it's even more cramped. chai, in particular, seems stir crazy. she's bouncing off the walls almost every night. i've been wanting to get a second cat for a while because i think she needs a friend (with a properly-done, very slow and gradual introduction so they get along), obviously i can't get a second cat here at all. it's just so small. and i can open only three tiny windows in the whole place (there are a lot more windows that don't open - the house is 100 years old) and something always smells, whether it's chai's wet food or something weird with the plants (i think i have some kinda fungus in the soil) or even chai pissing in the plants (which she somehow managed despite my attempts to cover up the soil on the big pots that she had access to).

something i did not anticipate to be as much of an issue as it was is the kitchen. this is honestly one of my biggest sticking points. it's the landlord's kitchen. i'm paying rent, but it's her kitchen. she has a way she keeps her kitchen. and it is very much not the way i would keep my kitchen. she has the absolute tiniest fucking trashcan for the kitchen below the sink that has to be emptied like twice a week because it's so small. and even though there are two sinks, she uses one ENTIRELY as a drying rack. so there is functionally just one small sink. because she's like. obsessed with not using up any counter space (she has explained that as her reasoning for the way multiple things are arranged in this kitchen). even though there's plenty of fucking counter space!!! there's a whole fucking kitchen island too! i had soooo much less counter space in my last apt and i managed to cook meals just fine. and she doesn't even cook much. there's also dishes. so again, i live here but there's still very much the "not my kitchen" feeling of all of this so i'm always cleaning and loading dishes as soon as i'm done with them. there's a dishwasher which she uses a lot so that's easy, though she often leaves dirty dishes on the counter for half the day before loading it. when i cook, i clean up right away (and wash most things by hand). when she cooks, she often leaves the dishes for a bit and then loads as much as possible (including pots and pans) into the dishwasher. she's also always the one to start the dishwasher, because the one time i mentioned maybe starting it, she wanted to check herself that it was really full because "it's the appliance that costs [her] the most money". like yeah. it fills up so fast bc you put such large things in there that you could just wash in the sink. you're the main reason it's costing you so much money.

just in general, things about cleaning and stuff has been just. no communication whatsoever about what my responsibilities are until there's an issue. and then she will be like "btw make sure you do x". i've mentioned this before but i really feel like a set list of "this is what i do and when and this is what you do and when" would've been really really helpful. but there's been none of that.

really the landlord is a perfectly nice lady. she could have been truly ten million times worse. we do have some differing opinions and philosophies though. i don't want to call her passive aggressive, but to my autistic ass i keep thinking that's what some of the previously mentioned cleaning stuff is. like she leaves something for as long as possible hoping i will figure out what it is she wants and do it, creating lots of anxiety for me. but! there is a substantial possibility that i am fully 100% imagining this and just creating anxiety for myself. one thing that is kinda weird tho is she hates the smell of the breakfast i cook every morning and has been strange about it from the beginning. first she just told me to turn on the stove fan and close the kitchen door. then she added on opening a window in the next room. and then turning on a rotating fan in the kitchen. and she still lights incense (hate this one) and boils lemons sometimes after i finish cooking.

in general she's just kinda particular about certain things and it makes me anxious that she won't tell me until it's already become a problem.

last thing, and maybe the largest motivation for me wanting to move out: i have so much goddamn anxiety about living with other people that i am not close friends or family with. it's not for lack of trying. i have lived with roommates for the vast majority of my adult life (including a 10 month term in americorps where i lived in close quarters with 9 other young adults). the apt i had before i moved here was actually the first time i had ever lived by myself in my life (and i loved it so fucking much). i mostly have anxiety about the kitchen. my room is always the safe place i retreat to (though in my current place i can't be loud bc the door to downstairs is very thin - that's another issue). but the kitchen - i just want to be by myself but i can't be. when the landlord is home she's often moving through it to do laundry or chores or whatnot. i feel like i can't listen to music or podcasts bc she'll hear it in the next room where she's watching tv. so i sequester myself in my room until she's not home. this has always been my pattern with roommates. wait until they leave and then cook what you were wanting to cook. when making my breakfast, i want to be alone, but i can't always manage that. depends on her work schedule. the landlord works full time but will just randomly have days off or work from home. i can't predict it at all, and that drives me just absolutely batshit. it's one thing for me to know the weekend is coming and prepare myself (and i'm always dreading it anyway knowing i won't ever be home alone). but it's another when it's wednesday and i go downstairs thinking i can cook my breakfast in peace but she's actually home. and i know how ridiculous i'm being! saying i can cook "in peace" as if she's actually doing anything to disrupt me! she's not! but my brain is bad and i just can't feel relaxed! i just feel extremely on-guard and it's exhausting.

so all in all, this adds up to why - pretty much from the very get-go - i was thinking i would move this january. given the extra time, as well as the ability to visit places since i'm no longer looking in a city i don't live in, i would find myself a new place to live. by myself - despite that being the financially more expensive option. well i did a lot of research. i drove around visiting places. i found some options. there's a few that would be just slightly cheaper, or maybe around the same price when you factor in utilities. they are not terrible but not great. there was one i was really liking the look of but then they jacked the fucking price up. well there was another one that is juuust under the current price i'm paying. but ofc that doesn't include any utilities so it's probably at least $100-150 more expensive then where i'm at. but it's easily the nicest option within my budget. a nice duplex with lots of space and my own backyard. i'm leaning towards this one now that the price jacked up on the other one. bc the prices are pretty close on those two now, and if i'm gonna be paying that much i feel like i may as well pay that much for the much nicer option.

and that gets into finances. i don't have a job, because i was told that time commitment of the masters program i'm in makes holding down a job difficult, and most people end up getting graduate assistantships anyway. well i don't have a graduate assistantship yet, and the max amount i can get in fed loans covers tuition and that's it. so i've been living off of savings all semester. and i did everything i fucking could to get a GA for the spring (which cuts tuition in half), though i was told from the get-go that it's rare to get a new one in the spring. i met with the lady who awards them and explained my situation, i made straight A's (they do consider grades), and i volunteered to work in a professor's research lab. no such luck. apparently it is way more common to get your first GA in your first summer semester, so that's likely when i'll get one. so i get to go another semester with full out-of-state tuition and living off of savings. i did the math a while ago and i'm gonna run out of money, whether i move or not (only difference is how soon it happens). i'm fortunate though, my parents will lend me whatever i need to get through till the summer. i don't really want to get a job, since starting in the spring i will have even more responsibilities (working in the clinic and doing school screenings) on top of class, but i feel like i should get a job anyway. because it feels ungrateful to just ask for money from my parents without even trying to support myself. though my dad made no indication that this was a requirement. idk. i feel like a spoiled and ungrateful piece of shit about it. that i'm worried about finances and still leaning towards not getting a job because it might be hard and stressful. that i feel stressed about finances when i have no right to be because i have my parents as a safety net.

anyway. my dad has also pushed pretty heavily for me not to move at all. he's not gonna stop me though. i've emphasized to him that this is my decision and i feel firmly about it and he relented. but tonight when i talked to him more about the financial stuff (like the fact that moving means i will run out of money sooner than if i don't), he brought it up again. that i have a good spot and i shouldn't just up and move for something that i don't even know i will like. that moving is expensive and time-consuming. that i know what i have here and the next place just might be absolutely horrible. i pushed back again and explained again that i've really thought it through and want to move. and he relented again and reiterated that he and my mom will support me financially when i need it, whether i move or not. which again, i am extremely grateful for. but now the whole conversation has just got me doubting myself. i applied earlier tonight for the duplex i wanted (and filled out and paid for another application for my dad to co-sign bc ofc i can't actually successfully apply anywhere without an income). but i'm just second guessing it all. what if it's not worth it? are the issues i talked about really big enough issues to move over? what if the next place does actually suck? and the landlord here is definitely not happy to see me go. she clearly really wants that extra income. and she said it would be difficult to find someone else to move in this time of year, which is probably true. i know landlords are landlords blah blah but like she's a person i know who i don't mean any ill will towards. i do feel bad about it.

all i want is a place where i can live in peace and not worry about fucking moving again until i graduate in august 2024. should i just suck it up and keep living here? am i just wasting mine and my parent's money with all this shit?

[icewindandboringhorror]

Another set of responding to asks lol.. As usual I have them numbered and will also write out the ask in the text, especially since the screencaps are all blurry and taken at various times/compiled together badly and probably hard to read ghghhggh..... answers under the read more ~ 

-------------------------

1. "Hi I don't mean to bother you at all, but I was wondering where you get your rocking horse shoes? (I think thats what they're called) I've been looking everywhere and I can't seem to find any :(( "

I don’t entirely remember, since I got them like 6 or 7 years ago.. I think maybe at some point that place ‘bodyline’ or something had some cheap ones? But I don’t see them on the site anymore, they were like $50 or $60. Now when I google it I can only find these insane like $600 ones from vivian westwood or whoever, or ones that are platform shoes but not necessarily the same type. Maybe you could find some on aliexpress or ebay or something? Usually you have to use weirdly specific search terms and look for a while, but you can often find stuff like that on those sites. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help!!! 

2. "I've been sick for over a month and my doctor tested me - everything came back fine. After some discussion it appears that my ptsd symptoms came back and the stress on my body is making me fatigued, sick and dizzy. I don't want to say that this could be similar to you situation, but if you have a therapist or someone to talk to about any stresses/your sickness, it might help relieve the pressure a bit. Good luck, I'm so sorry you feel so unwell"

Thank you for sharing! Yeah, I think stress definitely plays a part in why I feel sick so often. Currently I’m not still having the same problem I was having a few months ago when you sent this, so that’s good at least!! 

3. “Hi! Do you plan to ever have more sculptures for sale? Or would you do commissions? I haven't seen any in a while but wanted to buy one! :-O”

I have plenty that I want to sell, I guess it’s just hard for me to get set up. Since so much of the reason I procrastinate selling stuff is because I hate the stress of deciding on a price, I’ve thought for a while now that maybe I can just auction them (so I just set a base price, but people bid whatever they feel is fair and I don’t have to decide myself). But I’m just not sure of a good way to do that.. Ebay has auctions, but I don’t want random strangers buying them, I’d rather stick to just the pool of people who follow my art blog and are already familiar with my sculptures or etc. I could do them on here ?? (like, ‘reply to this post to bid, bids close 8am EST, whoever said the highest number sends the money through paypal and then I send the sculpture’ sort of thing???)   But I’m not sure if it’s legal to sell stuff through tumblr, or if there could be any other problems with doing it so ‘unofficially’ like that.. I don’t know, I have a vague idea, I’m just having trouble deciding the best way to set up something! I do want to sell some soon though, if I live through the pandemic and anything ever goes back to normal, of course (I wouldn’t want to be having to leave the house to ship stuff in the mail right now). 

As for commissions, I have actually done sculpture commissions for friends a few times, so I feel confident-ish that I’d be able to do something like that, but I also wouldn’t want to get overwhelmed since it takes a lot of work. Custom sculptures may also be more expensive, and again.. I always feel guilty and strange about pricing. I’ve thought about doing very limited sculpture commissions though (like, maybe just one at a time, first come first serve or something..?). If it seems like there’s actual interest in that sort of thing, I could definitely consider doing it in the future! 

4. " *picks up that smol blue kid and throws them across the room* "

ghgh .. the smallness is an advantage... they could just skitter back down your arm like a tiny squirrel the second you tried to pick them up.. Ythrili survival strategy is to be too small to catch in the first place 

(also forgive every sketch in this post, my screen that you can draw on broke, so I’m either drawing stuff in ms paint with a mouse, or drawing stuff on paper and coloring it in firealpaca also with a mouse ghghh.. not going to look Good)

5. "it sounds like you feel pressure to only post good content on the internet, and so you end up psyching yourself out of posting at all. Am I on the right track? "

Not necessarily, like I mentioned in the tags I think it’s more just that everything is complicated by my brain. I can’t just do something effortlessly. Whether it’s for an audience or not, I get caught up on every little detail and adding so much complexity to everything that all tasks take me longer than they take other people lol. I think I just tend to take everything very seriously?? 

Like for example, I’m often accused of ‘turning things into a discussion’ when someone was just intending to make an off-handed remark, because if someone is bringing up a topic to discuss, I end up engaging with it 100% and putting full effort into it, and it’s hard for me to be ‘’casual’’ about pretty much anything (so if someone was like ‘My day yesterday was a bit weird’ I wouldn’t be able to just respond ‘aw man, that sucks’, I would just be like ‘Weird how? what happened? what made it weird? Are you okay now? Are things still weird? Have you found a solution?’ etc. etc.). I was also bad at essays/open answer questions in school (despite usually being great at the class otherwise), because no matter how hard I tried to filter my speech and cut things out, I was always far too long-winded  and would get almost too engaged with the topic and lose the clear cut thought organization and focus that you’re supposed to have I guess. Even like, playing video games or something that’s supposed to be relaxing, I can’t just ‘jump into them’ and do whatever, usually any game I play (large ones at least, small 25 minute  point and click adventure games don’t count of course), I have 7 - 10 pages of notes, do hours of research, look up most of the main spoilers, plan out and organize exactly how I’m going to play it and this and that, etc. lol... 

So, that personality trait carries over into posting things online as well, I can’t just type something out quickly and hit ‘post’ without a second thought. Social media is hard for me because you’re supposed to use it casually, but I spend a long time re-reading drafted posts, thinking about them, etc. etc., and end up never actually getting around to posting anything. It’s not that I’m perfectionist about it and want it to be ‘good’ or appear a certain way, it’s just that my mind becomes preoccupied with things I guess.  I’m a natural information gatherer, part of my natural way of processing things is to learn everything possible before acting, and I want to make sure I’ve fully thought about everything always, and know as much as I can (so I wouldn’t want to publicly say something without giving it a lot of consideration first, or post a picture without really thinking about if I want to post it, what my reasons behind posting it are (like if I’m posting something just for a validation of a certain aspect of myself VS. genuinely because I like it, etc.), if a few months from now I’ll still like that I posted it, etc. lol.. even with like silly cat photos or something, I have to analyze it and be like ‘hmm.. will I still stand by this picture in 4 months? why am I posting it publicly vs, just keeping it privately to myself on my computer? what’s important about it?’ etc. etc. ghgjhgjh.. like.. shut up lol.)

ANYWAY, yeah, I don’t know if it’s about wanting online content to be “good”, as much as it’s just like... I take everything way too seriously and am detail-oriented, contemplative, and analytical to a fault, which means it just takes me 10x longer to do basic ‘’simple’’ things that it would for other people. Though I can still be quite quick-thinking and decisive (I don’t often waver back and forth between things too long), it’s usually because I have years of thinking about the same exact things behind me, so I already am very clear on my opinions on stuff, to a point. But when it’s new things I’m less familiar with (like playing a new game, or posting regularly online), I’m still in a phase where I guess I have to give it a lot of thought. I just process things in a different way than other people I guess? Or have some inherent inability to be brief/concise/careless? If you’ve ever read any of my worldbuilding posts (where I usually start off wanting to explain one thing but then have to derail into 400 other misc. details and explanations and it ends up being a novel), then maybe it’s more evident what I mean, where it’s just like... my natural manner of speaking is Too Much.. I guess? Even this answer is winding and rambly, and I feel like other people could have answered this ask in only a few sentences lol.. 

 If any of that makes sense? I don’t know how to describe how I am lol.. I just know it's hard to me to use social media in this ~~casual effortless~~ way most people seem to, since my brain is just inherently incapable of anything ‘’casual’’ or ‘’effortless’’ lol..  T u T ;; 

6. " Hi! I hope this isn't weird to say, I'm designing a race for my DND campaign and some of the aesthetics are a little bit inspired by some of your costumes and makeup designs. You're awesome and your art is awesome so thanks : ) "

Thanks so much, I appreciate it! It’s always cool to hear I can inspire people~ 

(I usually don’t include many compliments in these ask compilation posts, but I always try to include a few, just to let people know that even if I don’t respond to all of them I do see them, and appreciate it!) 

7.  ???

I ended up cropping out this ask and not answering because some of the content was questionable (the reason WHY/how they wanted to make the character) in a way that I didn’t feel like getting into a long thing about, but part of it was relevant to making OCs in my world, so I will just make a quick comment:

I do state that this is a closed world, so I don’t want anyone making OCs of my species or etc. at least not at this point. Once my game is finished (if ever lol), or I write a few books or something, then I feel it would be understandable if people like, made up a background story for their player character and thus maybe could have some form of OC in my world and etc.. So I may be more relaxed on this in the future as I create content that people naturally would want to engage with , but for now, I’m still a very tiny creator with a closed world and it just doesn’t feel the same as like.. making an oc based on some thing in a big TV series or something. My worldbuliding and etc. is still very personal to me. Unless we’re directly collaborating on things (like mentioned here (link) a bit), or you’re a personal friend of mine who’s gotten involved in the world with my own guidance (meaning I could tell you lore things you’d need to know to make it accurate, etc.), then I don’t feel it’s appropriate for strangers to do at this point. 

Especially since I don’t even have enough world info out for people to be able to reference (most species have half-complete guides, I’ve only ever talked about like, one continent, etc.). There are so many necessary details which I have only in my head and have never typed out, so again, idk, it’d just be weird. I’m not okay with it until I have a lot more lore published, and maybe a few actual works out there that people can reference/stories/games/basis for OCs to exist in the first place. If that makes sense? 

8. "Hey, is it ok to use your outfit posts as inspiration for a dnd character? I love them so much, you have such a unique way of combining crazy patterns and fabrics into something that gives off a good vibe”

Yes, that would be fine! Thank you for asking, and I appreciate the compliments~ Hopefully I can get back to posting that sort of thing more often lol.. I’ve gotten WAY off my routine and haven’t done many outfits lately.. aaa

9. "hi Luca! i just wanted to say i really love all of your costumes and fashions and dress ups, its all so cool and pretty and interesting. i actually wanna dress up for fun for myself, and now that i know about the bins i think i'll try to convince my mom to take me to similar places for cheap clothing pieces, since my mom is worried about how much all this costume stuff costs. anyway, please keep posting your cool and beautiful stuff! "

Thank you so much! I wish you luck with your costumes! Yeah, I think there’s a common idea in a lot of fashion communities (like with makeup, costumes, etc.) that you have to always have high quality things to look nice, and even if sometimes you can do more with a little extra money, really you can make anything look good with what you have if you just combine it right. As I’ve always been quite low income, being into fashion and stuff has be discouraging at times, that I couldn’t afford certain materials or items, but you just have to find a niche where what you’re able to do works. For example, a lot of even ‘cheap’ lolita style clothings are too expensive for me (like $30 - $50 for a dress??? then the more pricey ones can be over $100???) lol.. BUT, then stuff like mori kei, cult party kei, fantasy costumes, etc. you can do with nearly any fabric you can find, and it’s still just as fun and creative. Most of the outfits I take pictures of probably cost me no more than $1 - $10 for every single item combined. Obviously it depends on location - I have better access now that I live near a place like the bins, which I understand there may not be similar resources in small towns or etc. But even with generic thrift stores (which may not be as cheap as the bins), you can still find pretty good alternatives to all the money it costs to buy things brand new. There’s still some stuff I legit just can’t do because I don’t have access to the materials, but for the most part I can manage everything I’d like with $3 eye-shadows and 15 cent tattered curtain fabrics lol. You can still do really cool stuff on a pretty nonexistent budget!

10. “do you have any tips on growing your hair long? is it expensive to up keep? i wanna grow mine out but it grows so slow!”

Well, I know nothing about hair and am not a hair stylist or etc. so I really don’t have any tips lol??  And I think hair maintenance depends a lot on the type of hair you have, not everyone’s is the same. I assume we must have similar hair  (my natural hair is thick kind of coarse very dark brown/black hair, which is a bit wavy in some parts but mostly straight, but most of my hair currently (aside from the overgrown roots at the top) is altered because of damage from bleaching and etc., it’s more brittle. so that’s what I’ll be referencing) if you’re asking me this instead of someone else, but just know that whatever I say may not apply to you.  

Anyway, I really don’t do anything to my hair to make it grow or etc., it’s just that I’ve gone a long time without cutting it lol. I used to cut it all the time or change styles, and now I’ve kind of just left it for 5 or 6 years or so. Because of my mental illness I have trouble maintaining personal care and etc., so I do sometimes go a week or more without washing it, even though I’m trying to work that into my schedule more (luckily I don’t have stinky head, I’ve heard some people’s scalp oils and stuff can smell weird if left for too long, I have the privilege of being able to like.. skip on hygiene a lot without it severely impacting my ability to do things or etc. since it’s usually not obvious if I haven’t bathed in a week or two). 

My cat also EATS HUMAN HAIR for some reason, so I have to keep it up all the time, so that when I shed it doesn’t actually just fall loose onto the ground lol. Literally all I do to my hair is just keep it in two braids at all times and wash it with normal shampoo and conditioner occasionally, when I can. I really only think it’s gotten long because I’ve been leaving it alone and not messing with it, not really because of anything I’ve done (like I don’t use fancy products on it or etc.) And because of that, no, it’s not really expensive! It absolutely WOULD be if I were like..a normal functioning person and I regularly bleached it and dyed it and put products on it and styled it and used shampoo and conditioner every 1-3 days on it and etc. lol.. But I guess because I don’t do anything to it to maintain it, I’m not spending money on hairspray or dye or shampoo or etc.  I used to bleach it a lot and straighten it and use hairspray and stuff on it, and it seems healthier (at least on the new top parts) now that I’m just ... ignoring it basically lol. But I don’t really know what to do to make it grow faster! I’m bad at self-care, and even if I do costumes and stuff, I really am not into beauty and hair and nails and makeup and stuff, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask hghjhb.. My upkeep routine is just... eat and sleep. wash face with water daily.. do extra stuff if you can manage to despite your functioning issues, etc. I’m definitely not a Beauty Advice person, I barely brush my hair even once a week lol

11. "Maybe you should reduce the number of races if it's too overwhelming? A world can still be immersive with only a few races in it."

(sidenote - Not to be nitpicky, but I make a specific point that the groups of fantasy creatures I create are species, not ‘’races’’, even though it is a commonly used term in fantasy worldbuilding, I think it’s inaccurate/weird )

I know I don’t have to make so many different groups, but, I guess I just really want it to be a broad setting. Part of the point in creating Nanyevimi (aside from worldbuilding just being extremely fun and a hobby greatly suited to someone with my personality traits lol) is to have an established world that I can do anything within, a framework already built where it'd be super easy to just drop a character anywhere on the map and already have an idea of what their culture, background, experiences, etc. would be based on pre-existing details about that portion of the world, etc. But I also want it to be broad, and varied, where every area kind of has it’s own dynamics going on there, so if you’re in a different place, you get a different kind of story. (like in an elven alliance city, you’d be better suited to tell an adventure story centering around complicated local politics, or city life, or etc.. whereas out in some isolated mountains in the south, it’d be more suited for a mystery story about stumbling across ancient ruins, or running into a mysterious traveler, etc.) 

Which I guess doesn’t matter much, since I'm better at setting, world design, character design, planning, and details than I am at plot, so  I probably won’t actually ever do anything with it (god forbid I tried to write a book or something with my utter inability to be concise/brief in any imaginable way). I can craft settings/characters/history/world-details all day endlessly, never losing inspiration or etc, but my weak point is actually telling stories within those settings and formulating a solid plan, organizing plot structures long term and etc.. Setting up everything for something to happen/creating a place where many interesting premises could occur is fine, but then actually thinking of how those things should OCCUR, or how the set up should play out, is where I get kind of lost. I guess the ideal at some point would be to have people working with me, helping when writing stories in my world/outlining games/etc, to add more cohesion/structure and reign in the unfocused stream of ideas,  but that’s very unlikely since I don’t have any close friends that are good at organizing or plotting either, etc. BUT anyway, even if I can’t ever manage to do anything with it, the whole “having a setting I can use for anything I want if anything ever comes up, which is already established and thus makes it much easier to formulate ideas because all the background work is already done for myself” thing is at least a nice goal.. in concept...theoretically lol..  

And, it’s not really too overwhelming, I think the overwhelming part is actually just formatting and producing those ideas in a consumable form. It’s not hard for me to keep track of 20 different groups and make backgrounds and every imaginable detail for them, but it IS hard to actually take all that information that exists in my head, type it out as a worldbuilding post, format and organize it, draw pictures to go with it, etc. If I could just post long stream of consciousness style 300,000 word long posts with no paragraph breaks, 4000 typos, barely any punctuation, etc., then I’d have A LOT more world-building info publicly available (since that’s what all the initial documents on my computer look like lol), but that’s just so inaccessible it’d be pointless to have public in the first place. The hard part isn’t really coming up with or managing the information, it’s just... organizing it all, and finding a way to share it. 

12. "oh PLEASE tell me what boing peach beverage the elf looks like"

a quick sketch of them.. mysterious peach (and other produce) salesman   

13. "fun question: what are ur fashion pet-peeves?"

Well, basically none because I hate when people are rigid over Fashion Rules or etc. Like, people who take pictures of others in public because they “look weird” , or who constantly trash on what people are allowed to wear, what patterns can be mixed with others, etc. etc. I get that some stuff can look kind of bad sometimes, and it’s not that I think nobody is allowed to criticize fashion trends or etc. (especially if they’re legitimately problematic, like of course someone wearing a homophobic t-shirt or doing blackface should be criticized), but I mean just like... that sort of trivial bitter criticism that doesn’t do anything but make people feel bad about the way they look or make them afraid to dress in ways they feel comfortable. Like taking a picture of someone and posting it online to make fun of them because they wore socks with sandals, or bullying 14 year olds who just started doing makeup and haven’t totally gotten their look sorted out yet, etc. etc. (ESPECIALLY since this can often intersect with classism, racism, etc. if you really examine what people mock as 'ugly' or 'unacceptable' styles, it's often stuff like men wearing dresses/makeup, women not shaving, clothing associated with poverty (like wearing “”cheap”” clothes), physical traits commonly associated with poc, making fun of people who look a certain way likely due to mental illness (like fidgeting, dirty mismatched clothing, carrying stuffed animals or comfort items in public etc.), etc. etc.

I find costumes and makeup and outfits to be a very cool and fun way to express myself. So when people are complete freaks about it and set out to just relentlessly make others feel bad for no good reason, it’s like... obnoxious... How can you take something with so much potential and limit it and close others off and turn it into this rigid hateful thing, when it should be something that everyone is able to be passionate about and appreciate?? Outside appearance isn't everything, but it's a tool of expression for so many people and can relate to who they are as a person, people should never feel uncomfortable to be who they are or look how they look just because some dumbass rich person writing for a style magazine has the gall to declare some random thing to be 'Unfashionable' despite not having a genuinely creative bone in their body, or some bigot thinks that certain things are ‘ugly’ or ‘unprofessional’ due to their own mental associations, etc.

But anyway, I guess if I had to choose a few things that I just think look kind of odd to me personally/are generally off-putting...  

--- the overdrawing lips thing when you can see the persons actual lip-line and it almost looks like they have two mouths or something? (if not done intentionally for costume makeup). It can look a little strange to me sometimes, like an optical illusion where you see multiple mouth lines at once?? idk like this?

--- freckles that are just round circles and really heavy and don’t look realistic (though again, I also realize this could just be the person’s first time drawing them on or something and I’m not  mocking for lack of skill, etc. I just mean that it’s a little strange to look at, not actually BAD though) (and it can also be intentional, like for a cartoony costume look) ---- People adopting cutesy/childlike fashion and clothing and sexualizing it or using it as part of their sex/kink stuff.. I just feel like anything associated with children should not be sexualized..? If the first thing someone thinks when seeing children's school uniforms or frilly little girl’s doll dresses or whatever is that it could be a Hot Thing then hhh... like why is your brain making those connections lol.. People can dress how they want for whatever reasons they want, but that’s always personally creeped me out a little. Similar to our culture’s obsession with looking young being ‘hot’ (like a grown man wanting someone who’s a legal adult but still “looks 16″ or etc.), where it’s like.. okay, I guess yeah outwardly you can make that choice, and maybe aren’t directly causing harm, but.. the underlying tones of it and etc. still make it very unsettling to witness lol... ---- anything appropriated obviously, as well as fetishization or bastardization of cultures, like t-shirts with Japanese writing on them Just For Aesthetic, or taking certain culturally or religiously significant symbols or etc. and adopting them as ‘just a silly fashion’ thing when you’re actually being disrespectful, etc.  ---- those shorts or whatever that go up extremely high on the hipbones always look a little weird to me lol, like they give a person funny proportions, 

(you may have to right click open image in new window and zoom to see the text, but it’s like.. the blank space makes it look kind of weird to me? Like there’s too much where there’s just nothing going on? idk. That’s just my personal preference though, obviously I tend to lean towards busy designs lol)

That’s all I can think of though, like I said, I’m really not picky or judgy about fashion since I think people should be able to do whatever they want for the most part. I’m not like a “omg stripes should NEVER be worn with plaid!!” type person or something lol. 

14. "Hey Luca! I love when you post about your world. Do you have a favorite species you've made up so far? Also, I hope you're holding up well during the crisis!"

AAaa thanks! I’m okay mostly. It’s distressing since because of my particular mental illness I already have constant paranoia and obsessions about health, so of course hearing about so much illness can be really triggering constantly and I’m preoccupied in never-ending anxiety spirals about mortality and etc. etc. etc. , but situationally, I’m just very thankful that nobody in my household has gotten sick yet and I desperately wish that will continue to be the case. *** *** *** 

(ignore the *** *** *** , this is a text version of a physical compulsion (a hand movement) that I have to do when I mention certain topics lol.. the little man in my brain that controls my obsessive compulsive disorder says I must do certain things after saying or thinking certain things,, You Know How It Is ) 

And I really love worldbuilding questions, so thank you so much!!!!! Hghgh maybe it seems weird to favor any over the others, but of course I really like the Avirre'thel. Conceptually, I think their origin story and connection to ancient elves and their abilities and etc. put them in a really unique position in the broader world (some of the only truly immortal people to exist, the only people who can still decipher ancient elven texts in a way that makes sense, etc. etc.). Since Nanyevimi (my world) is really just a setting being built so that in the future I can set things within it (games, short stories, etc.), I think I'm drawn to the aspects of it that have the most potential to make interesting characters, and there are definitely a lot of pre-established dynamics with the Avirre'thel/in Navyete (their home country) as a whole that would make it an good place to set certain things, or a good group for a main character to be from, etc.

I do really like the Jhevona as a species overall too, even if I haven't developed them as much, they also kind of stand out as having some fairly unique features that put them in an interesting position in the world (being one of the most magically capable groups that exists but that also having downsides (health issues and infertility from magic exposure, etc.), how the necessity to keep control over their magic influences their culture, being some of the only natural shape-shifters, etc.). Within that, I REALLY love the Thastanri (a subspecies of Jhevona), like their connection to dreams, the Imkasyn, being one of the last few peoples in contact with real dragons, etc. etc. There are a lot of complex things going on in their area, so there’d be a lot of potential to tell a variety of stories or have interesting characters from that group. 

AND, though it's supposed to be Unknown in the world so I won't talk about it just in case I ever write a book one day or something and need to preserve at least a FEW mysteries that I don't just outright explain in worldbuilding posts, Jhevona do have the most interesting origins of any species in my opinion. There are some things from before the timeline break sort of thing (where all recorded history was seemingly wiped and everyone had a big memory loss about 50,000 yrs ago) that people aren't aware of anymore... but Jhevona used to have a cool backstory and quite interesting function in society prior to that. There are some remnants in the genetics of the species and how their magic works (at least for certain groups) that kind of hint at how ancient Jhevona used to look and what they used to do, even though in the modern day things are very different.

15. "Top 10 songs you've been listening to lately?"

I don’t have a top 10 since I listen to everything for different reasons, and don’t have as deep a relationship with music the way some people do (like I don’t really have a favorite band or group I have a connection with that’s “gotten me through hard times”, or music I cry to/any songs that are specifically personally emotionally meaningful to me, etc., etc.), but here’s a quick playlist of a few favorite-ish things I’ve had in my head a lot recently - 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPmQ4SZdFFHNkgKo7nAiEMgVvLcycX5Qc

the last song on the list specifically I’ve been replaying a lot for some reason, I guess since it’s good background music as there’s no words. Particularly the part that starts around like 38 seconds in, something about that melody reminds me of something distant, in a dreamlike way. The past few days I mostly alternate between that song, Outstanding, and And The Beat Goes On  lol

16. " Do you ever sell sculptures? I really like that little fawn!"

Yeah, I hope to eventually! Like I mentioned in question number three, if I can set up some sort of way to do auctions or etc, then maybe I can sell that one! 

17 & 18 : '"aaa yay!! i missed your outfits!!!" / "can I just say love ur outfits! They're so cool and inspire me to draw my ocs with new outfits > o < and I love your cat too, please give him a big ol pat!"

Thank you!!!! more compliments posted just to show I appreciate them lol, even if I don’t publicly respond to every one~ And, the Boyes appreciate the pats.. here is them.. big babbeys... 

[whiffling10]

hi maybe you could stop posting anti-semitic things and outright lies on gal gadot posts? it's really disgusting. thanks!

Hi,

I always hoped that this blog would be one of the less stressful areas of my life, and I can only imagine the horrors that this post will elicit - but here goes!

I am genuinely sorry if I have caused you or anyone else who identifies as Jewish to feel unsafe or demeaned by my post about how I was bothered by Wonder Woman’s use of an actress who is a former member of the IDF to criticize the colonization and ethnic cleansing of Native Americans by European settlers. What I know/understand about Gadot’s time in the IDF is more or less summarized here and here. I don’t believe that anything I said was a lie, but I apologize if I got something terribly wrong. I fully appreciate that people living in the United States, France and certain other countries are experiencing a wave of anti-semitic violence, vandalism and speech at every level of society and government, and I also understand that these experiences inform discussions about Israel and Zionism.

Grave indictments of the Israeli government land in many Western* ears as bigotry towards Jewish people. This is because the government of Israel and Zionist activists around the world (especially in the US) have worked strenuously to conflate Israel with Jewish people. The effectiveness of this effort is evidenced in the fact that charges of anti-semitism are the main mechanism by which those who do not value Palestinian lives are able to shut down conversations about the fact that the existence of Israel in its current incarnation as a Jewish state is predicated on the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians from their native land.

I could write a novel on this subject, but I encourage everyone to look into the much more thoughtful and comprehensive work, speeches and writings of Jewish anti-Zionist activists and groups (I’m not sure if all of these would actually self-describe as anti-Zionist) like Judith Butler, Israelis Against Home Demolitions,  Breaking the Silence, and Jewish Voice for Peace. To be clear: there is certainly anti-semitism at play in some European and American anti-Zionist activism. But just as there is no such thing as reverse racism, accusing Palestinians of anti-semitism when they criticize Israel, and Israelis is to fundamentally misunderstand the power relationship between the two.

If I had to guess, I would say that what lies at the heart of the widespread inability to understand anti-Zionism as separate from anti-semitism is a pair of truths that many** find very difficult to square with one another: The first is that Jewish people are a group with a horrific history and present of oppression in most of the world, including the Middle East.*** The second is that Jewish people are also, simultaneously, a majority group in Israel whose privilege in that country is the product of the brutal settler colonization and ethnic cleansing of Palestinian people and land in the name of a Jewish state.

I use these words - colonization and ethnic cleansing - very deliberately, and with the understanding that many people will become angry and defensive upon reading them. I use them because it would be a type of violence for me to sanitize what has happened and continues to happens to Palestinians at the hands of the Israeli government and those who support it. As you may have guessed, my family and I have been personally affected by this violence. And this brings me to my final point:

What troubles me about the knee-jerk cry of anti-semitism when I or someone else raises the issue of Palestinian oppression is that I do not feel or hear that these critics are at all horrified by violence done to Palestinian lives, bodies, society and land in the name of keeping Jewish people safe. Where are your tears for the Palestinian children who are arrested in pre-dawn raids to be sentenced in military courts without lawyers, shot in the face with “rubber bullets” that blow out their eyes or get lodged in their brains, or simply blown to smithereens in another “proportional response” to a homemade Hamas rocket that hit an empty Israeli barn? Where is your effort to educate yourself about the Palestinian refugees who, to this day, are literally stateless, unable to hold a real job or own property because they cannot access citizenship in any country?  Where is your rage over the fact that, after fleeing to Jordan during the 1948 war that established the state of Israel, my grandmother was not allowed to return home (literally stopped at the border by soldiers because of her ethnicity) and then had her land taken by the Israeli government because she had “abandoned” it? Where is your rage for the many thousands like her? Where is your disgust for the system of segregated roads in the West Bank? Where is your respect for the Palestinian struggle for basic dignities like freedom of movement?

Again, I am genuinely sorry if I have hurt you - you were not clear about whether you felt personally impacted by my post. I am committed to fighting anti-semitism in others and in myself, and I am also committed to honoring Palestinian lives and dignity. I do not believe those two goals are at odds with each other. I also do not have the energy for people who are unwilling to examine the ways in which their vigilant defense of Jewish people comes at the expense of Palestinians.

In this blog I focus on media and only very rarely on current events - but everything is political, and art is no exception. I will continue to write notes and posts about these issues where they intersect with the art that I consume. If that bothers you, PLEASE unfollow. If I do not respond to further notes or personal messages on this topic, please know that it is because this political issue is more personally painful and exhausting for me than any other, and not because I do not value or respect your opinion(s).

*A term with deeply racist and geographically inaccurate roots, but also one that is commonly understood and therefore useful.

**Americans in particular have a particular cultural conception of identity politics that is fairly one-dimensional and rarely contemplates how the power associated with a given identity marker can and does shift across geographic and political spaces.

***Another term with deeply racist and geographically inaccurate roots - but once again, it is extremely difficult to to eschew all Orientalist frameworks and terminology when talking about this part of the world in a concise format.

[icewindandboringhorror]

I’m trying to be better about responding to things, so another small ask response post! I feel like the answers are short enough to not actually require putting a ‘read more’ but I ended up doing it anyway just because I have no idea what the standards for length are and I don’t want people to get mad or something lol.. (responses under read more) 

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 (note: I’m not going to write the questions completely as they were asked/shown in images above, just type summaries of them since that’s faster, so this is why the text varies)

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1. “do you have any goals for the coming new year?”

gHHgg, mostly the same goals as last year since of course I didn’t get everything done lol. Mainly I want to: finish my game, finish the information on the Avirre’thel and a few other worldbuilding posts, make more sculptures (5 this year), and do at least like... 10 costumes this year (since I’ve kind of been ignoring that stuff to focus on other projects, but I still enjoy it and have ideas!). Some of my goals in therapy are to leave the house at least once every 2 weeks without panicking and find friends in my area to play board-games with/do creative things with/etc. in person, but those are kind of less in my control (me being able to go places is somewhat dependent on the schedules of those around me, finding friends is a matter of luck and coming across the right people at the right time, etc.). 

Mostly I just really want to get the gourddamned game and worldbuilding stuff done since those have been longer projects, and I’m always getting new ideas for stuff I COULD work on before I’m even done with older things lol. In my head I’m already planning the elven religion and things happening far in other corners of Nanyevimi and it’s like “we’re not even DONE with the vampires yet!!!", as well as already having like 2 new games I could make (one of which I really like the idea of and have already nearly completely planned against my will, like my brain just keeps shooting information at me while I’m trying to focus on other stuff ghgh), some animations and a bunch of other things and it’s like oghHH... blease.. Finish Something for once before mentally checking out and moving onto the next hundred ideas you fool 

(also I told myself I can’t play any games until I finish my own (aside from like, sims builds on occasion) so I especially want to get it done soon since I always feel sick in the summer (no matter how much water I drink or how cool I try to stay, I’m just really heat sensitive and don’t live in a place with air conditioning)  and sitting around and playing games while I’m deliriously exhausted / nauseous / have constant heat headaches is a prime summer activity lol)

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2. “do you know where to get a witch hat?”

Unfortunately I have no idea where to get a witch hat lol, aside from maybe the costume aisle of stores around halloween?? (and even then, usually they only come in black). I’ve made sloppy ones myself by like, hot-gluing stuff to a regular hat, but I’ve never actually bought one. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to list them in the replies or something so maybe anon can find where to get one lol

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3. “can i use your costumes as inspiration for drawings/what social media should I credit you with?”

 It’s fine to use my costumes and etc. as inspirations for art/etc! If you’re posting it on instagram it could be easier to just link my instagram since that’s on the same platform, but really it doesn’t matter to me. As I evolve into more of a hermit wizard I lose social media literacy and don’t understand which accounts are best to link people to or what social media is currently most popular lol 

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4. “do you watch Worldbuilding Notes on youtube?”

I actually hadn’t before (basically all I watch on youtube are like... video game/fantasy media lore analysis/information videos, general educational channels/documentaries/lectures, leftist video essays, and like.. the occasional let’s plays of games I can’t afford (if I can manage to find gaming youtubers who aren’t insufferable ggh). But weirdly I haven’t really looked into much worldbuilding content?? despite that being something I focus on so much (and also that I watch conlanging and linguistics stuff, which often seems to intersect with writing/worldbuilding youtube)), but thanks for recommending them! The concepts presented seem very interesting!

 I always really really wish I could condense information and make clear concise videos like that (audience wise, probably way preferable to just writing long text posts), but I just have such an inherent inability to make brief points (aka why no matter how good I was at a subject in school, I’d still fail/barely pass any essay/long form answer assignments.. I just.. can NOT organize my thoughts for the life of me for some reason). The best I could do is a more rambling podcast style lore explanation thing where I just speak naturally about stuff, but that seems like that’d still be nearly just as weird as long text posts, since I tend to ramble and be very silly when I speak lol, so currently I just don’t know of a more concise and accessible way to present my world information. :V   But anyway, thanks for suggesting it! The videos seem really cool, I like the ideas I’ve seen so far, and mostly am just in awe of their sheer power and expert ability to like... present detailed information in such a neat/clean/cohesive way aaaaAA (like.. the exact opposite of me but in a good way lol)

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And that’s all for this short group of replies lol! I still have other things in my inbox and etc. to reply to so sorry if I haven’t got to yours yet, I just wanted to get a few quick ones out of the way!!