#i am unwell! i am very desperate to succeed this year

[blinkbones]

this arc of my academia adventure is truly difficult but i cannot get over the fact that i literally get psychological damage from reading. the act of reading. i open a book or a pdf and if i read for long enough my focus starts to dissolve imperceptibly until my thoughts are full and overflowing with the horrors. it always ends with tears and a choked up soliloquy about my misery

[queerchoicesblog]

After The Storm

Folks, here’s the second suggestion (thanks a mill @scottishqueer) for the wlw writing project. Inspo is fleaky lately but I want everyone who sent ideas to know that I’m working on them: I’m just a bit slow to write! But I hope you will enjoy this.

A little note about this series set in the Italian Renaissance. I chose a location very dear to me and - hopefully - a bit unusual: Ferrara, the city where my grandparents lived and my mom was born. I love that place and I’ll probably go back there in August: I still remember my grandpa taking me to the Castle (I have a picture showing little me proudly sitting on a pile of cannonballs in the internal stone garden on a sunny day), the Cathedral and the palaces around town. I incorporated them all in the story.

Ferrara was also one of the capitals of the Italian Renaissance, a Duchy ruled by the House of Este, a princely family, linked with several contemporary royal dynasties, including the British royal family. They were notorious patrons of the arts and innovators (through architeractural projects like the one called “Addizione” they were precursors of modern city planning); Duke Alfonso, who makes a cameo in the story and was the third husband of the infamous Lucrezia Borgia, was a patron of Ariosto, a famous poet to whom - ironically - my high school was dedicated. So yeah, I added a personal to this miniseries.

If you do happen to like this miniseries, please consider spreading the word!

Previous series: Ancient Greece

__________________________

The rain has finally subsided. When I wake up at the very first lights of dawn, only a faint rattling against the windows can be heard, a testament to the storm an unkind wind blew from where the sea lays and roars. I cherish the feeling, the newfound sweet peace after the howling winds of the night. My beautiful little boy is resting by my side. My poor Tommaso: my little angel has been unwell for days, I have never seen him shed all those tears since the day he was born. He cried and cried until his screams of fear and pain were barely audible and none of us knew what to do. Even Riccardo, my ever-absent, ever-busy husband, worried and urged the presence of a physician with great haste, concern written all over his face. I've never seen him like that before. Tommaso is our only son, too beautiful and young to surrender to a hideous disease and leave this world. If I allow myself to dwell into these thoughts, oh that would be enough to kill me! Seeing my boy suffering was almost unbereable: his desperate cries pierced right through my heart as I held him close, impotent yet hopeful that my presence could provide him a little comfort. Mum is here, my love, fighting and suffering with you.

It's an indescribable joy and relief to wake up this morning and see him sleeping peacefully after the agony and the storm. Tommaso is afraid of thunders and dark skies, I hated the rainstorm for being so unmerciful and throwing new fears to my troubled little prince. I wish I could have blown it away like Aeolus but I do not detain such power over the natural elements.

I gently stroke his head, a feather touch: God forbid I wake him! I almost cry but I manage to refrain myself: my sobbing could disturb his heavenly slumber and I don't want him to see me crying. I'll greet him with a smile when his eyes open up again and nuzzle his belly before covering him with kisses from head to toe. Tommaso loves it and I'm sure Riccardo won't object for once, not after what we've been through. I really thought I would lose my angel.

Thankfully, Lady Death spared him or so it seems. When he wakes he looks back to his usual self, no sign of the cruel pain torturing him. He gets all happy and excited underneath my kisses and eats with a good appetite. He simply looks a bit more abashed and tired than usual but it's understandable. I'll follow the physician's advice and ask my maid to get eggs and cook one of those soups and creams I had too when I was recovering from giving birth. That will hopefully help.

Seeing him happy again makes me forget about the events and mundane meetings I have missed over the past few days since he got ill. I love attending them but it all became suddenly so meaningless when my son lost his light and health. I must remember to save a prayer and make an offering for his miraculous recovery. And I can get the report of the latest happenings at court from my dear friends. They sent notes inquiring about Tommaso and I am glad to let them know the fortunate turn of events.

They visit me the day after. I have many friends here but Maria and Virginia are special companions to me. Maria is the oldest of the group, she has two sons already in marital age, but she has been good to me since I first walked into the castle. She comes from one of the wealthiest noble families in town: she's an institution at court and it meant so much to me that she took me under her wing when I was the new girl here, the young bride of "the most skilled diplomat that has ever served the House of Este". She has her ideas and a temper, of course, we don't agree on everything but she's been a sort of mentor to me and I will always be grateful to her for that: all I know about properly living at court, well I owe it to her. Virginia is about my age, another "pupil" of Maria. I like her: she's a bit shier and meeker than our friend and she has a little boy too so I'm sure she fully understood my anguish.

Apparently, I didn't miss anything important as I guarded Tommaso with my life. Same old rivalries between dames, the yet unconfirmed gossips about the Duke marriage plans, how displeased the jealous favourite looked even if she denied her irritation. Good old court life. I comment that there is still so much going on in our fair Ferrara: the Addizione is proceeding and rumour has it, the palace the previous Duke commissioned for court entertainments, Palazzo Schifanoia, is being renewed and expanded. It goes without saying that it is bound to be a work of unprecedented beauty. I don't remember who was saying so but I know the Duke and his passion for the arts so I find it hard to doubt.

Virginia claps her hand and notes that actually yes, I missed something. Speaking of arts and artistic projects, do I remember when rumours of an external artist joining the enterprise spread? Well, it happened! Now, that I think about it, I remember...Riccardo mentioned it one night as we came back from a music gathering. Apparently, our most brilliant architect, Biagio Rossetti, the genius in charge of bringing the Duke's vision to life and into art, requested another artist to join his brigade. If I got it right, it should be a talented colleague from Florence, Sir Davide whatever...I forgot his surname. He served the House of Medici and excelled so brightly that our fair Biagio summoned him as his right hand. Allegedly, our architect - or , God forbid!, the Duke himself - is unsatisfied with how the projects are proceeding and firmly believes that a fresh set of eyes and hands will benefit the future glory of our Duchy.

"The new architect arrived - when was it? Oh yes, the day after you informed us that poor Tommaso was ill, you definitely missed" Virginia explains.

He looks nice: a handsome man, who knows how to behave himself at court, a true gentleman. I tease my friend asking if she has already put her eyes on him. Virginia blushes a little before protesting: of course not, she would never do anything like that, not to her Carlo, she's a married woman and loyal. Maria interrupts her.

"Oh stop it: as if that would be an impediment!"

"Well, ideally it is!"

"Yes, but only ideally, as you said" Maria laughs. "My young girl, you should know that everyone at court has affairs sooner or later. We'll get you a lover too one day"

"Maria, you're incorrigible!" Virginia giggles, pretending a shyness that is no longer there, replaced by a hint of mischief.

Maria just shrugs, picking up a cherry from the bowl my maid laid on the table.

"Just experienced. So believe me when I tell you we all need the thrill of a secret affair in our lives...otherwise what is left to us? We would die of boredom!"

"I cannot vouch for Maria's theory but you said it yourself, the Florentine architect is here now and he's a handsome man..." I add, winking, to join the conversation.

"You'll vouch for my theory too, dove. Give me time and I'll get yourself a lover too" Maria exclaims.

"...Before a fair lady of the court catches his eyes and bewitches his heart" I continue, addressing Virginia as I prevent Tommaso from climbing up the table on his hunt for cherries.

My friends exchange an amused look.

"Oh but he's married, Emilia!" Virginia explains. "He didn't travel alone, his wife followed him here too. We met them both"

Ah, that's unexpected! I have already pictured a handsome bachelor joining our court but that's good to hear. As much as I enjoy the company of my friends and the other dames, I have noticed though the years that new companions are a blessing. A little novelty, even if momentary at times, could have the same effect of fresh air on a hot summer day. Otherwise, we would die of boredom, as Maria said, referring to lovers. I wouldn't go that far but a new lady in town could be good news.

"Oh, nice! A potential new friend. We should invite her to join our next sewing meeting and get to know her. As well as the hottest gossips from Florence, that is! What do you think?" I smile.

Surprisingly, the expression on my friends' faces is unreadable. Did I say something wrong? Was I too straightforward? Oh gosh, I hope they didn't take my enthusiasm as personal displeasure of our sewing meetings or their company! I better get this right.

"So, how's the new lady?" I inquiry nonchalantly as I prove myself in the funniest faces I can master to make my child laugh.

I succeed: Tommaso claps his tiny hands and laughs until he's out of breath.

"Oh, don't even get me started with her!" Maria dismisses my question but I know her long enough to know she can't wait to tell me what she thinks and maybe more.

"Nothing much, she keeps to herself. Not quite the talker" Virginia shrugs.

"Ah, she's way more tolerable when she keeps her mouth shut anyway!" Maria intervenes again and I'm sure she's not done with just that.

"My my, it seems you took quite a dislike for her" I giggle, exchanging an amused look with Virginia.

"I couldn't help myself, my dear" Maria continues, fanning herself as if to cool down her mounting anger. "Another boorish yet arrogant Florentine"

"The Florentine are always so full of themselves" I concede, cradling my son in my arms.

"Then she must be the Queen of them all" Maria barks a throaty laughter. "She looks so...so high and almighty: 'oh no, I'm afraid we don't play this game in Florence', 'I don't know what it means, we don't have this word in Florence', 'Florence here and that'. Believe me, sweetheart, we were trying to be kind to her but she's impossible! She acts like royalty but she's the wife of an...architect"

She pronounces the last words with evident displease. I can't refrain laughter: she's always been such a snob! I comment that she certainly sounds like...something.

"Oh but you'll have the disgrace to meet her soon enough!" Maria exclaims. "You know that our Duke is so fond of artists, he will certainly invite them again at the next dinners and balls"

"Speaking of the ball" Virginia intervenes to prevent her from keeping ranting. "What will you wear at the Masquerade Ball next month? I ordered a most extravagant costume yesterday, I can't wait to show you-"

We spend the rest of the afternoon discussing the upcoming events at court and the latest trends, gossiping about what we suspect the other dames will wear.

Ah, I missed my friends and our conversations...

[trivolous]

21 'Retail-Ways' to Fail in the Market.

Honestly, as a retail investor & trader I don’t know how to succeed in the share market, yet. However, after 10+ years of trading the market (not in a row) I certainly know how to fail in the market. So I thought to summarize the same in this post. Again, these are strictly my personal views and do not claim to be an account of facts.

1. Fall in love with the Market.

It attracts you. It scares you. Slowly, it casts a spell on you first. And then...you fall for it. The scrolling stock ticker, the green, the red, the bull, the bear beckon to you. Something inside you tells you that you can solve the mystery of the market. So, allow the uncertainty of the market makes you day dream. It's captivating after all. Go ahead, take the plunge and your passion for the market will take care of everything else. Be the true lover of the market. Allow the movements of a Stock or Index to keep you excited, engaged & entertained.

2. Search for Trading & Investment Tips.

'A friend in need is a friend indeed'

Don't do your own research before investing or trading. Ask your friends or broker for trading & investment tips. They are happy to do the heavy liftings for you. Blindly follow their guidance.

3. Be addicted to the Market & Trading.

Never miss a single opportunity. Always trade the market. Either over or under estimate your actual need. Forget your personal life. Work hard. Always consume market updates, news, Youtube videos, blogs intravenously, including this one :) Judge the market. Measure the market. Gather all the necessary data. Don't ever worry about knowledge or understanding for that matter. Glue yourself to the screen all the time.

4. Ignore your Weaknesses.

'Ignorance is bliss'

Ignore your trading weaknesses. Focus on your profits and go with the flow. Don't carry the world upon your shoulder. Take it easy. Be aware of your weakness but don’t do anything about it. Only think and talk about the profits you already made and ignore your losses.

5. Be obsessed with your Market view.

Spend long hours in post & pre-market analysis to form your view for tomorrow. Trust your view. You have taken all the factors into consideration to form this view along with critical support and resistances. Work hard, either over analyse or under analyse the market. Don't trouble yourself to analyse in a balanced manner. Tomorrow, come what may, confidently depend on your speculation and neglect all the indications that are against your speculation and sit tight. Just imagine how much you can make once your view is right. No need to think the opposite situation. Never exit the trade or change your view until you see a big loss.

6. Be obsessed with your Chart patterns, Indicators, Data Points, Tools etc.

Solve the puzzle, solve the reasoning. Find patterns in everything around you. Find that lovely candlestick pattern in your chart. Let your favorite indicators, real-time data analysis & tools confirm your view and tell you the next price movement. Believe in that pattern because it is tried and tested over a long period of time to render a specific result and nothing else. Hence, stay in the trade until you see a big loss.

7. Marry your ‘Trade’.

Do not panic. Show some commitment. Be loyal to your trade. Be with your trade in difficult times and it’ll reap more than your expectations in the end. Take an oath, sign an agreement not to break up with your losing trade. Just continue to pray and your prayers will be answered soon... very soon.

8. Develop some bad Trading Habits.

'Old habits die hard. Bad habits die even harder'

Trade with an unwell body, mind & environment: Don't take care of yourself when you are sick (mentally/physically/both). And also when you are not sick. Don't dare to take rest, break, medicine etc. Over-eat, under-eat, over-sleep, under-sleep. Never take a shower, never exercise, never meditate. Allow your personal life’s situations to dictate your trading decisions. Avoid trading in a clean & conductive environment. When the market opens forget all your previous learning and act like a possessed man.

Trade under the influence of drugs: Drink and trade. Why so serious? Muster the courage, increase that position size. Be brave, modify that stop-loss with 10 more points, be stronger, and 10 more points after a while! Fortune favors the brave, you know?

All or nothing: Refuse to book small loss, small profit & big profit. Always accept either bigger profit or big losses.

Big Action: Don't try to understand realistic return capability of each trade. Always expect explosive price action in every single trade. Strongly hold your positions until you see a big loss.

Regret: Always regret for booking small loss, small profit, big profit & missing bigger profit. Never regret for big loss, bigger loss, account blowups.

Hope for Miracles:

'Never lose hope. Just when you think it is over, God sends you a miracle.'

Hope, good things happen to a bad trade and don’t exit. When price moves into a negative territory, don't cut your losses quickly, average down as per your capacity and then wait for a miracle.

9. Be desperate to Win.

Success at any cost. You are here to win. Do whatever it takes to win. Make huge profit in a single trade. Go out and fight with the market. Be aggressive, increase position size. Take back from the market what was originally yours.

10. Be obsessed with a Specific Strategy.

You can peacefully rely on this strategy. Have faith in your well researched strategy. It is very popular, back-tested, has a high profit-probability... and what not? It's a rock-star strategy. It can’t fail. Deploy bigger funds with this strategy. You can thank it later.

11. Trade with your Emergency/Savings/Backup fund.

Why not? It's your money. You are not answerable to anyone. There is no upper limit of ROI in trading. Furthermore, you know your risk tolerance and can mange risk like a pro. So go ahead.

12. Don’t solve your Lifestyle Problems.

Your life is your life. We all have ups and downs in our lives. The market doesn't know you as an individual, so it doesn't care about your lifestyle problems. So, don't get organized. You can remain the mess you are and go on like this. Don't waste time fixing your personal issues. Forget your previous liabilities, debts & failures for now. Don't think too much about the risk. Depend on your trading profits to meet your obligations. Try again, think this time it’d be different, this time you’ll win.

13. Never set clear Financial Goals.

Life is short. Enjoy it. Setting any kind of goal is a boring and lengthy process. Live on the edge. Just go with the flow. Setting goals does not guarantee anything!

14. Never write a Trading Journal.

Do not register your daily trading experiences in a journal. Do not write down answers of the following questions: What went right today? What went wrong today? Did I break any of my trading rules? Did I repeat any of my old mistakes? How many times? Why did I repeat my old mistakes? When did I repeat my old mistakes? Is there a specific pattern in my mistakes? Did I make any new mistakes today? Use your brain and depend on your sharp memory instead.

15. Don't ask these Questions.

Why am I entering into this trade?

What is the life expectancy of this trade?

What is the profit & loss probability of this trade?

What is the profit & loss potential of this trade?

16. Tell Yourself.

When you are winning tell yourself:

A) Now it is going to move explosively in my favor. So, I’ll book bigger profits and not exit at my predefined target levels.

B) Along with the profit of this trade I need to recover previous losses.

C) I need to trail my stop loss (and trail it mentally)

When you are losing tell yourself:

A) I still have enough time, let's be patient and wait.

B) As per my analysis it has to move towards my predicted direction any time by today.

c) It is foolish to book loss at this level. I’ll exit after retracement at some decent levels.

D) Let this candle close, then I’ll place a stop loss order.

17. Never write Daily Trading Plans.

'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.'

Whatever is going to happen tomorrow, will happen anyway. Chances are always high that you won't be able to execute tomorrow exactly as planned today. Refrain from this tedious activity.

18. Never write your own Trading Rules.

There are no rules. There is no holy grail. Besides, the market changes every moment. So, there is no point writing your own trading rules.

19. Never bother about Trading Psychology.

No need to believe in any kind of psycho mumbo-jumbo. Just believe in your mental toughness. Let your mind play with you. Believe in your gut feeling to make day to day trading decisions.

20. Break your own Trading Rules & Plans.

Be flexible. After a few defeats, if you’ve accidentally written down a set of trading rules & plans of your own, don't hesitate to break those rules whenever you feel.

21. Never bother to know yourself.

Never enquire about yourself, your true self. Don't waste your valuable time for self improvement or to learn self-management. Knowing yourself doesn't help in trading the market in any way. Never ask the right question(s). Get busy only finding correct answers.

[rathertoofondofbooks]

    Today I’m thrilled to be on the blog tour for The Room by the Lake by Emma Dibdin and am sharing my review!

  About the Book

When Caitlin moved from London to New York, she thought she had left her problems behind: her alcoholic father, her dead mother, the pressure to succeed. But now, down to her last dollar in a foreign city, she is desperately lonely.

Then she meets Jake. Handsome, smart, slightly damaged Jake. He lives off-grid, in a lakeside commune whose members practise regular exercise and frequent group therapy. Before long, Caitlin has settled into her idyllic new home.

It looks like she has found the fresh start she longed for. But, as the commune tightens its grip on her freedom and her sanity, Caitlin realizes too late that she might become lost forever…

  My Thoughts

I can never resist books about cults, there is something about them that intrigues me and terrifies me in equal measure so I was thrilled when I was offered the chance to read and review The Room by the Lake. I had high hopes for this novel from the moment I first saw the stunning cover and I’m so happy to say that it didn’t disappoint!

Caitlin lost her mum to cancer a year ago and has struggled to come to terms with the complicated relationship they had had due to her mother’s schizophrenia. She’s also now struggling with her dad’s alcoholism and just feels like she has nowhere to turn. One night it comes to a head with her dad and she finds herself running away, getting on a plane and being in New York. I know that summarising this it may seem a bit far-fetched but in reading you really do feel for Caitlin. I remember when my mum died of cancer and I was just so lost. I didn’t want to be where I was and I had nowhere else to go. I was lucky in that fate seemed to intervene in a good way in my life and I met my husband later that year and life began to get better. Reading this novel made me blood run cold at times because I wanted to run away in those initial months and it’s scary to think how easily vulnerable young people can get manipulated by monstrous people who seem kind. I knew from the synopsis of this book that life was going to take a scary turn for Caitlin but when she meets Josh at a party I couldn’t help but hope he would be a force for good in her life. I wanted him to help her. Instead Caitlin is manipulated and taken to a house in the middle of nowhere, which on face value seems like a beautiful location to relax and recover from what she has been through. The place where Caitlin ends up is a cult but as with all cults she had no idea what was happening and very soon she finds that this lifestyle works for her. Until things begin to take a darker turn.

The people at the house Caitlin is taken to all seem very enmeshed in the running of things. They’re polite but distant to Caitlin at first but soon things begin to close in on her. The way the group eat and exercise seems to Caitlin as like a boot camp that may help her but it’s really a means of control. Something is a bit off about this place and it’s only when Caitlin begins therapy that the sinister atmosphere really begins to ramp up. It’s scary how quickly people can gain control over others by starting with small things and preying on our fears.

I thought The Room by the Lake was really cleverly done in the way that it is about a cult, which is fascinating, but it felt to me that it was more about Caitlin’s fear of her mother’s mental illness, and even more so her deepest darkest fear that the same thing could happen to her. I know from personal experience how terrifying it is when you think you’re losing your grip on reality so to have grown up with a parent who had a mental illness must heighten that to another level. The cult played on her fears and heightens them in such a cruel way. I honestly felt that Caitlin was healthy prior to ending up in the cult, she was grieving for her mum and she was so lonely. She just needed a good friend who she could trust who would make time to support her and to let her talk about her fears, and this is how she was pulled  into the cult. These people were the only people that she felt would listen to her. There are moments in the early part of the novel that could possibly be interpreted as the beginnings of Caitlin being mentally unwell but I felt it was grief. I think when grief is complex it is harder to work through and it seemed to me that Caitlin was just utterly mired in darkness – she’d hit her limit of what she could cope with and couldn’t take anymore. I could identify with how lost she felt, and how alone, and scarily for me I can see why she got caught up in the cult. This book gave me chills at times as I could see some of my younger self in Caitlin. 

I did begin to feel really unnerved by the various methods the cult used to exert control over Caitlin, it made me wonder if she would ever recover or if this might, ironically, end up being the thing that triggered mental illness in her. I keep finding myself wondering about her ever since I finished reading the book, she feels like a real person to me even though I know this is a work of fiction. Emma Dibdin’s writing really does get under your skin (in the best possible way!).

This is a novel that builds and builds all the way through. I read this in two sittings (and that’s only because I started reading late at night and I had to get some sleep but I picked it back up again in the morning!) as the writing just drew me in from the first page and it held me to the very end and beyond.

The Room by the Lake is a fascinating, intense psychological suspense novel that I highly recommend. It’s one of those books that really gets under your skin and haunts your thoughts. This will be a book that stays with me for a long time to come, I’m so glad I had the chance to read it and I’m already eagerly antipating whatever Emma Dibdin writes next!

The Room by the Lake is out now in Hardback, Audio and eBook.

I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

About the Author

Emma Dibdin is a journalist who writes about television and the arts.  She has been an editor at Hearst for four years, and her work has appeared in Esquire, Marie Claire, Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan, Total Film, and Indiewire.  Born and raised in Oxford, she currently lives in New York City.

(Bio taken from unitedagents.co.uk)

    You can follow the rest of the blog tour at the following stops:

#BookReview: The Room by the Lake by Emma Dibdin @emmdib ‏@HoZ_Books ‏#blogtour Today I'm thrilled to be on the blog tour for The Room by the Lake by Emma Dibdin and am sharing my review!