#i am tryng so hard not to make that part of never been in love hugely clunky and awkward to read lmao

[altschmerzes]

For the word game: style and/or happen and/or down

style, from the aro buck 911 fic, "never been in love"

It’s a basic information page, kind of a 101-style set of definitions from a website about different orientations. The top of the page informs the reader that it is explaining to them what ‘aromantic’ means. Buck swallows hard and scrolls a little, taking in a few words at a time. It’s a little difficult to process, because his vision seems to be fuzzing a little, static building in his ears and his heart pounding in his chest.

happen, also from "never been in love" but a little earlier on

“She keeps getting on me about my girlfriend.” He makes a face, then amends the statement. “Well, getting on me about the fact that I don’t have one. She thinks I should be dating somebody, and keeps bringing it up, just over and over. What happened last time I saw Taylor came up, and she just- I don’t know why it’s so important to her that I have a damn girlfriend, you know? And I don’t know how to tell her, at least not in any way that she’s ever going to listen to and leave me alone about, that I just- I don’t want one.”

down, from chapter 10 of "wriggle up on dry land" the baby jamie ted lasso fic

She raises an eyebrow at him, and she shifts in a moment from paging through the paper while sipping her tea and meandering around the table – more fidgety in her down time than just about anyone else Roy has ever known – and then all of her attention is focused on him. It’s amazing how she does that - it’s like in a single moment Roy’s sister switches off and Dr. Kent switches on.

[scandeniall]

Can I request a Afro!s/o tryng to braid Kuroo and Akaashi hair and they like drama queen because it’s kinda painful

this personally attacked me as the most tender headed bitch alive. I do be wondering how i manage to always have my hair done eye---- (but the way you requested 2 of my top 5 boys yeah TASTE)

also im sorry if some of this comes off as crack (esp kuroo)

implied nsfw 

Kuroo

ok so i see him as the type to ask you. Like he sees you braiding your hair for braid outs or cornrows for witch etc and it has him curious

Hes the type to also eye your hair products and just go around smelling them when hes bored and looking at ingredients and stuff

So say you’re like chilling in the living room watching some show on Netflix, but you’re really scrolling the same 3 apps and he’ll just plop down next to you and outright ask.

“Hey babe can you braid my hair for me?” And you’re like huh- but then like ok??? and you reach up to touch his hair. “Go get my comb, brush, spray bottle and then the gel I keep under the cabinet” bc yeah and hes lowkey like???? you need all that just to braid me up (bald head hoe shit for him)

anyways you're gonna try to cornrow him (grip game on 100)

He comes back and literally sits next to you thinking you're about to be able to work like that too and hes just like “whats wrong,” when you're just looking at him.

“You’re too tall for this, you're gonna have to sit on the floor. And hes the type to do it but like get down slowly while complaining about his aching bones from old age. (like shut up you're not even 25 yet) 

Ok so you get his hair a little damp and start parting and hes like, ok ok. But then you start grabbing his hiar to braid and he literally jumps in pain

You: um are you ok????

him: “What the hell (Y/N) that hurts” and you laugh at him and asks him does he want you to stop. But hes like no I’m good and you promise to be gentle

Hes a big baby, flinching every two seconds and youre nice enough to keep asking him is he sure? You cant even part without him complaining

You end up taking a break bc hes annoying and massaging his scalp

do you ever finish braiding him up???? shit idk

he literally asks you to be more gentle every time you touch him and youre like “I’m BARELY touching you”

the type to just knock your hands away to literally just lean back between your legs. “I’m never letting you do this again”

“Good because I didn’t plan on it”

Hes gonna make some stupid joke about even though hes aching hes in one of his fav places rn

Akaashi

he has such soft hair that you really love playing with just in general. And like he’ll let you out him in mini buns and stuff

so one day you’re like cuddling in bed and youre like “hey baby, can I try braiding your hair”

hes the sweetest so hes gonna say yeah. (also hes been curious about it before tbh)

so you set all up at your desk, and ngl you start finding yourself playing in his hair forgetting the task at hand

and hes all soft like “babe. You’re getting distracted,” you you lean down to give him a quick kiss before apologizing 

anyways now, you decide not to give him cornrows and just do regular braids bc you wanna see his head full of braids 

He frowns a little when you start parting as the comb occasionally snags but hes like not too bad

but when you actually gather to start braiding hes like “damn” under his breath 

You just pause holding his hair and starting point between your fingers “You ok down there?

He brushes it off and tells you to keep going

Hes not as bad as kuroo and doesn't start flinching too much until you're like halfway done and now his scalp is getting extra sensitive

Yeah you laugh at him and he just rolls his eyes at you bc wow you're enjoying his pain? bet he got your ass later 

At this point his subconscious stays making him pull his head away and you keep having to pull him back. “Would you stop moving away.”

Hes the type to literally grab your wrist like “stop” and you’re like do you want a break, but hes tryna be a trooper and says no.

fuck it, youre towards the front of his head and its not like you're braiding him to go anywhere so it doesn't have to be perfect: aka you straddle his lap now yes. “Now will you stop fucking moving”

Yeah hes restless but this makes it a little better so he kinda just settles his hand on your waist

He tries to limit his flinching by squeezing at your sides and it kinda works, but when he flinches extra hard at one braid you end up messing up and am just like “you messed it up” but yeah he doesn't care because hes sick and tired of this

you finish him and hes like damn now i need something for the pain and yeah you end up in the bed 

[larissaloki]

Abusive relationships,

Yes another one of these, ths my own personal experiences with a relationship that ended nearly two years ago. I’ve only just gotten the confidence too share as to this day, my son is still negatively affected by the aftermath.

Thankfully my relationship only lasted 2 months before i wised up and kicked his ass to the curb. These kinds of relationships can happen to anyone, not just women, so this post will hopefully serve as a warning for everyone on what to look out for.

Before i continue i will warn that content can be sensitive for some (obviously) but also mentions of a bdsm esk lifestyle. Not overly explitic but it’s still there. Also I am just writng out as it pops into my head so bare with my ramblings as this hard to get out.

To start off with, I am a single mum living in a flat and at the time i was working part time (18 hours a week a the time) with a 2 year old toddler and 22 years old. Despite having a son I was lonely a lot as a lot of friends stopped contacting me and my weekly dnd group was disbanded so my human interactions where limited and lets just say retail doesn’t equate to good human contact.

Fast forward because you don’t want to hear about my struggles wth dating as humourous it is. I met (lets call him D) D and as always, things see well- D was sweet and charmng and was seemingly ok with me having a toddler. Brillant! i thought i had hit gold with this guy.

This how abusers are, they make themselves seem to sweet and amazing that you become blind any faults. You know that saying “I’m not like those guys, not all guys are like that” D used these words when describng himself and in conversations. in my experience with him and a few other people, people that have used these sentences are often exactly like the ones they say they aren’t.

So far everything he’s done is present a pleasent package that sound and looks trustworthy and a nice guy. Making the bad traits come across as just mere off days. I was so blinded by the fact that he seemed to sweet and nice that i didn’t realise exactly what he was doin for a mere two months. thankfully talks at schools and thing’s I’ve read online and family members helped me clock onto his games.

ALWAYS LISTEN TO FAMILY! i say this because they noticed within weeks what he was doing and were trying to find ways to warn me. He seemed hesitant to meet my family after a month of dating which for my family is odd, as we are a pretty tight family more or less at the times. My mum met everyones partners quickly as we all visited each other a lot at the time.

when she did meet him a month into dating and was talking to him, D admitted that he would read my phone over my shoulder ALL.THE.TIME. This is not good, nothing i thought was private actually was. But his own phone was protected like it was the holy grail of all holy grails. I never actually asked to see his phone but it’s somethin i noticed after we broke up that he would always hide the screen from anyone in the room. He would try and create arguments over anything with my mu and sister when they were at my home while i was working, watching over my son. At this pont i wasn’t still comfortable enough for D to be along with my son.

When i then got home, my mum and sister would leave quickly unable to stand being in D’s presence. this made me think they simply just didn’t like him, so when it annoyed me, D would jump onto my rants and feed them. Make my anger at my mum and sister worse by telling white lies, basically fanning the flames. People, if your partner does this- take a step back and wonder why.

D was purposefully driving wedges between me and my family and later my best friend by complaining about each and trying to get me to join his point of view. Tryng to get me to view them as hinderences rather than support. Driving me to focus on him completely and not them. Do not let anyone destroy your family ties, especially ones with your closest family.

then theres the other little things, like comlaining how i wash my hair and which products i use saying i was damaging myself. everything i used was of good value and methods professional hairdressers adviced me to use. But apparently a guy who doesn’t even condition and had short balding hair had better knowledge then me. this is another form of control, trying to tell me how to do things. same with cooking, I’m not a bad cook i can make somegood meals but he insisted on cooking saying he’s amazing at cooking. He would often put in way to much garlic and onion making the meals he made full of to much flavour and would get upset when my poor 2 year old wouldn’t eat or I wouldnt. Even when i told him not to put so much he would snap saying he knew what he was doing.

Then theres the guilt tripping and telling me how to raise my child. A person who has no children was apparently more knowledgable than me who read articles and books and have a mother who’s had 4 kids herself. When out and about he would get annoyed when my 2 year old had a tantrum and play up.

saying that my son was being a disrespectful shit to me and would publically shame me for ignoring or trying to appease my son depending on what the tantrum was over. RED FLAG! A 2 year old cannot be disrespectful, my son struggles with speech to this day due to D demanding my son uses his words and not cries to display hs wants. D’s view was that kids should be perfectly articulate at 2 year old and understand all these adult social cue’s.

Then at bed times, D hated that i cuddled my son till he slept and that my son came intomy bed halfwa through the night for comfort reasons. So he demanded i changed the night routine to involve maths for my 2 year old and a story while my son was in bed then just walkout of the bedroom. leave my son alone regardle if he was upset, my heart broke at my sons cries as D scared my son back into bed and kept leaving him. Ignoring my concerns with this method saying it wht he read online and eventually my son will sleep. worst two weeks of my life until i broke the cycle as I just couldn’t allow it to continue.

i was fas growing afraid of D at this point. One night he flipped his shit as i turned over in bed declaring it was to hot to share the bed due to my memory foam topper and that he runs hot anyway. he threw his phone at the wall over it. Another time he yelled at me for not trying a certain stores jellybabies when i said. didn’t like jellybabies, saying that i was being stubborn as this stores jelly babies were delicious. i promised to try them later- when he was out i threw them away and just told him that yes they were ok.

He mocked the games i played and liked, i love final fantasy and rpg games a lot. i find them entertaining but he mocked them saying i should play more fighter interactve games. he made me play one that i just found dull and did not like at all.

After this he was also scaring me with his bsm ettiquette, anyone in bdsm know that you respected your partners limits and repected their safe word and what they tell you the are ok with and what they aren’t ok with. A few times he violated this. He liked to give pain and i liked mostly pleasure and rope play. A hard limit for me was belts- i was not ok with them at all, he used one one session and i had to safe word out quickly which he found fuckng funny. This is not ok. Another time we wanted to try a new pose with ropes and the position i was in was making me feel ill half way through beng tied, so i safe worded and asked me to get me out as i felt sick.

If your partner is in rope and feels unwell or safe words out- get them out fast! Cut the ropes if you need to you can always buy more ffs. But D didn’t, he sighed and slowly untied me. No matter how much i begged him to hurry up he went at his own slow ass pace. Do not do this as something someone once found enjoyable suddenly no longer is.

And lastly, do not snap at your sub if your rope plans dont go to plan. Do not make them feel bad if something doent work. I was snapped at when ties he was tryng for the first time weren’t working, nothing i could help.

towards the end he told my mum when they again where at mine alone that he would be moving in in 6 months time so she had best get usedto him being here. we had only been dating at this point for less than 2 months. I have a rule that i don’t move in with someone unles i’ve been with them for more than 2-3 years at the minimum.

8 MONTHS IS TO SOON.

the event that pretty much spelled the end for this? was my sons bday and D turned up after eveyone had gone which fair enough, lots of kids wasn’t his thing. I had some alcohol and energy drinks as well, he offere weed which i had had before unaware of him slipping me ectasy as well.

All of these things did not respond well to me, hours later in the next morning as i had this 9 pm the night before, by 10 am D left to go home and i was dealing with what i think was the come down. Badly. Ikept having panic attack and was not right for two days after. My heart kept going dangerous speeds that i had to call my mum and sister for help as D said he woudlnt come over as i wa just beng silly and that it would pass. I was worried for my son if something was to happen to me over it.

After this i talked to my mum and the truth was coming out in small bits. I stupidly was on the fence about what my mum was telling me as i was reliant on D’s affection and we i went to get a coil (birth control device) and D hated that i was going with my mum and that i had been talking to her.

He got defensive and was telling me i didnt need my mum in my life. His mum wa dead and he was doing well, so i didn’t need mine in hs eyes. This is maniplative as fuck and he was an asshole trying to use this. By thi point. Was wising up to his tactics and games with teh help of my mum exposing what he hadsaid to her and i dumped him.

He tried to then play around with getting his things back and tried to arrange it when i would be alone. Never meet an ex like this alone people i beg you, i got my mums bf to wait for him instead,and i prepacked his stuff so he couldnt possibly steal anything. When he saw my mums bf his aggressive pose he had at the door dropped away. He was suddenly polite and cordial and left with little fuss once received his things. Never meet an abusive ex alone.

After he left my life i found out he had gotten onto my computer that was a christmas gift and had wrecked it beyond usable it quickly broke and i lost everything on it. All my musc and pictures and works. My computer wa my escap and coping mechanism for depression and anxiety. Same as my music. Im still struggling in life around men due to this and my son is strugling to learn to speak still.

Please be careful and never cut out people from your life because a partner says so. Friends and family mean more than someone you just met.

[ibythetidepromotions]

An interview with Cory Arford of Carnifex

First off, how have you been coping during the pandemic?

During Covid, I have been just tryng to catch up on things, like shows, and gaming that I usually miss a bit or when touring. Also we started writing a new record around the time we all got told to stay home. So I've been just working and trying to adjust to working online for everything. Learned a ton about streaming, computers, network stuff and whatnot.

Has this affected many of the planned tours for Carnifex?

Covid has ruined our lives almost. We had tours planned all year and big stuff for the beginning of next year and it all went away.  We were literally hours away from heading out when this all went down. We had a HUGE paycheck coming to us after that tour, not to mention a new tour with new bands and a totally different fan base. That tour was set to do a lot for us and all we did was lose  about $30,000+ We've had to switch to working and doing things online through Patreon just to pay our bills.

What's the future plans so far right now for Carnifex?

Right now we have a couple tours lined up for late winter/early spring, and we have plans to release a new album in spring time next year.

So being in music as long as you have in Carnifex especially, what is one of the craziest tour stories you could share?

We have pretty much told all our craziest stories we can tell in lots of interviews, but, I guess I'll just embarrassed myself since I'm doing this alone. On our first tour back after Ryan left. 2013 we did a tour with Emmure, I killed The Prom Queen, and a couple other bands in Europe(sorry I can't remember the other bands right now). So second night into tour, just met everyone basically, and we decided to open a couple bottles of vodka. I drank a lot. and I guess I went up to my bunk, emptied my pocket and put my sleeping clothes on and proceeded to walk to the front of the bus where Prom Queen was sleeping and I tried to crawl into their singer Jamie's bunk. He kicked me out and I guess I stood in the aisle between all their bunks and peed on the floor and then went to my buk and went to sleep. Perfect first impression. haha.

Who are some of your favorite people to tour with?

Some of my favorite people to tour with are Whitechapel, Emmure, Unearth, Within the Ruins, Oceano, and After the Burial.

If you could bring back any band to come back, who would be that choice?

Pantera. I missed out big time. Got into metal super late and didn't appreciate Pantera when I was younger. I could've gone to see them and just wasn't into it back then.

What is your all time favorite album you have released as a band? Also favorite song?

My favorite album from us I guess would be 'Until I feel Nothing'. That album I wrote some of my favorite riffs on, I got to build a guitar tone for it, and I tracked all the guitars. I felt most confident about it and just feel like victory didn't do shit for it and with Ryan leaving right after it got no attention. Favorite song from us might be "Names Mean Nothing". Short, sweet, hard hitting, groovy as fuck.

What is the most memorable experience of being in Carnifex so far? Most memorable experience is the whole thing. I always wanted to be in a band with my friends so joining a band with people I didn't know was difficult. I'm not a confident or comfortable person so I took a huge leap doing that and it paid off. Shawn, Scott and Fred have become my family, and closest friends. We've gone so much farther than any of us believed we could. So there have been a lot of sick things we've done, but, I think the whole thing is an experience in itself and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Were you in many bands before Carnifex? If so, who? Carnifex is the only band I have ever been in.

What are some of your favorite bands?

My all time favorite bands are as follows, in no particular order: Deftones, 311, Korn, Fear Factory, Metallica and Slipknot.

What are some bands that most people enjoy, but you cannot?

I cannot stand just about everything on the radio. Nirvana, White Stripes, Paramore, stuff like that.

Guilty pleasure music?

Guilty pleasure music? I fuckin' love 80's synth wave music. Like the music from Stranger Things and stuff like that.  But, I don't know that it's a guilty pleasure. Also Rap, like Eminem, Tech N9ne, Joyner Lucas, Logic, Royce Da 5'9" and others like them.

What is your all time favorite movie?

All time favorite movie is tough, because I have favorites in lots of Genres. I guess I find myself wanting to watch Predator, or Alien a lot. But also Tommy Boy, Dumb and Dumber, and Ip Man, and other Kung Fu movies.

Favorite video game?

Favorite video game might be Mega Man x4. I have beaten that game well over 200 times.

Worst habit?

My worst habit is shitty food. Carne Asada fries, Pizza, deep fried stuff.

If you could make a tour for Carnifex to go on, who would be on the bill and what order?

Would never happen, but, a tour with Korn headlining, Slipknot direct, Deftones and us opening.

Favorite super hero?

Favorite superhero is the anti hero, SPAWN!!!! 

Favorite place to tour?

I like touring America. I like things to be easy and touring America, even in a van, is easy.

Favorite place to eat?

I think Brazilian steakhouses are my favorite places to eat. Huge salad bar, and endless meat right off the grill sliced at your table right onto your plate. 

Least favorite place to eat?

Least favorite place to eat is this Russian place that's like a buffet but you point and they scoop. The food is awful and they take every time we go there. 

Favorite song to play live?

Favorite song to play live would probably be Down Me in Blood. I think.

Least favorite song to play live?

Least favorite song to play is Lie To My Face. I have played that song every show since we wrote it. I like the song, I'm just tired of playing it.

If you could cover any song in Carnifex, what would it be?

I would like to cover "Bored" or "My Own Summer" by Deftones.

What band/bands got you into metal?

Actually I credit my old buddy David from middle school for getting me into metal. He brought 3 tapes to my house when we were like 12, and they were Weezer's blue album, The Offspring's 'Smash' album, and another punk band I forget, but they changed my mind. From there I found 311, and then Deftones and Fear Factory and it just got heavier and darker as the years went on.

Why do kids like Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Because of the sweet sugary cinnamon crunch that's part of a complete breakfast, duh.

When you compare your latest material to your first EP, is there anything you wish you would have done differently? How has the growth of your own songwriting influenced your plans for the future?

I wish nothing to change. If we did things differently I don't think things would be the same for us. Our first material is exactly what we wanted to put out then. And now.

Why you gotta be like that sometimes?

I am who I am and y'all wouldn't love me if I wasn't like that sometimes. baboom!

Carnifex Social Media:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Merch

Interviewer: Alexander Friedman

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i want to just work through these paranoid delusions right now.

but like, its hard because its actually a possibility that im not actually wrong. and i have this overall hope that i am but i could be right too.

he didnt call or answer any of my texts today. i mean, sometimes this happens. and if he just like.. didnt care enough to call or answer my texts at all, that does suck but i have paranoias that are larger and i hate that. it really bothers me that i would jump to such conclusions. and it bothers me that its even brought up to me like its something i would or maybe should (!?!) be doing. should i? am i still wrong to believe anything moire than what is here? maybe his overzealousness in “helping” was tryng to make up for whatever he would be doing today. 

i sincerely do love him but i dont think it matters. and like.. something is happening. something in my brain is switching and its not just like .. a mood. i dont feel moody. its not like i get stoned and forget about it. i really feel like so many things are wrong. and  like the experiences im having teaches me that life has so many variables and nothing can be predicted or made to last forever. nothing lasts. 

but i want a real partnership, you know? ive said it before. and like i honestly dont think i need monetary value to be worthy of a partnership because its not a business partnership. thats not what life is about. it shouldnt be about how much money i have or where i get the money from. and it shouldnt be based on sexual needs or my desireability or availability. 

i obviously feel naive in believing he probably isnt like other men. he probably is. 

some days, honestly, i just want to turn to him and be like “why the fuck am i here?”. thats what its become. why am i here now? why do i continue this? what is the purpose if it amounts to nothing in the end? nothing changes. i never really have a family. im just kind of always on my own - independent but not. 

i dont think alot of people understand partnership in my position as a necessity. i believe my friend did. i think he knew that in my position - man or woman, i needed a partnership. it would be incredibly hard for me to overcome this situation or my life issues itself ithout a sincere partnership. i cannot be alone. it is absolutely unfair that i have to live my life in such serious isolation. and i dont know if im like a whiny piece of shit. i dont know. i dont know anyone else in my situation right now. the only person i know at all who might vaguely is someone online i dont even speak to and i could just be projecting what i perceive because i want it so badly. just to SEE it.i feel like i need to read some how-to guide of a personal experience of how to be now. how do i exist with nothing. how can someone who has something instruct me on how to live with nothing? how could they possibly even perceive nothing? 

thats my isolation. and when i say nothing, i’m not saying i literally hve nothing and will have nothing forever. i have _things_. i have pets, i have items of comfort, i have a laptop and a phone. but i dont have basic things other people have - i cant use my phone to call up a family member or some long time friend; i can but the reaction would be of confusion and general lack of care, honestly. because i HAVE. ive tried. ive reached out and ive tried and what i got back was terrible. and like.. i guess im still wondering why. like i dont understand why i bear the weight of everyones grudges against my parents. they dont care and they dont even want to care. they have their own shit. everyone has their own shit. but they continue to feed off each other and im disowned. 

which is fine. okay. ive accepted that. ive accepted i will not know the people i had a basic right to know. i accept that theyre unhealthy people for my life and no matter how much i hope they wont be - they are. end of story. ive accepted, for the most part, on a basic level - my parents are dead. ive accepted from here on out, the people i know will be people ive only just met in the past year or so of my life. and it’s like being put into a strange country with no one you know and no way to contact anyone you know. everything seems totally fucking foreign and no one knows me or what ive done in life and like that story is entirely dependent on me. the only person who will tell my life story now is me. no one has a fucking clue. well i mean - my ex got a few years. and those were terrible representations of who i am as a person, honestly, because i spent a long time being uncomfortable around him. i think i loved him. maybe ive honestly never loved anyone. maybe ive honestly never been loved.

well i mean, my father. that was a deep unconditional love and i was very dependent on that love. i wanted and maybe needed that constant source of unconditional focused love. he would tell me i was his favourite child. he gave me everything and i dont necessarily need that level of love again but that was a partnership. i gave him years of my life. i fought for him. i cared for him. i went through things none of my friends had to go through at a really young age for him. i deserved that level of unconditional love. i really did. as a shitty stubborn bratty child and teen, i definitely took advantage of it on more than one occasion; but spoiled brats tend to do that sometimes. but when life became incredibly serious early on, i became incredibly serious. 

i want my love to actually be worth something. and like.. even my own understanding of worth is based in money. worth = value = money. but what is my love worth? what do i deserve? i used to believe it was just a basic respect; just common decency. but thats not enough. thats not satisfying to my needs and wants in life. i feel like i deserve more. 

the only way to pull me out of isolation is have someone who truly cares about me. who truly wants to know me. who wants to create more for me, to create a comfort for me because they understand i have nothing and that makes my words and stories valulable and necessary to my life and character.