#i am trying my best. i went many years operating under deeply anti-human and capital-centric frameworks that never worked for me
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finding my way in the world is proving to be tumultuous. not that it didn't prove that before
#i just crave to be forgiven for being disabled and unemployed and taking a long time to make something of my existence#i am trying my best. i went many years operating under deeply anti-human and capital-centric frameworks that never worked for me#but that i continued to try and bruteforce and whiteknuckle in hopes that i'd finally be what my family and society wanted.#it made me deeply self-hating and self-commodifying and also not a very fulfilling person to try and have any kind of relationship with#and i'm now doing everything i can to unlearn and live a truer life however slow that is going#i just want to finally matter and for people to acknowledge that i did put in effort and i did care and do care and am still trying#it's such a big wound to be treated like i'm lazy and careless and heartless as if heart is measured by capital generation. it's sick
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